I had probably always made it clear that the last sociopath in my life, while he taught me the patterns of behaviour, didn’t particularly harm me. Not psychologically or any way apart from financially.
But my memory, and power in my writing came from long before him.
It was something that I had almost forgotten. Tonight we went to went to the pub. Our local pub. Never did I expect to see any of my exes in my local pub. After all they lived nowhere near me.
We went to the pub as usual for food and a drink. Came to sit down, I stared hard at the couple in front of me.
There he was, bold as brass in my local pub with his latest victim. She laughed at what I don’t know. I didn’t see his lips move.
My blood ran cold. I sat almost frozen. Here was me, someone who for the last two years had written this blog. No fear. Yet this man without saying a word, or even seeing me, installed so much fear into me. My heart raced.
It was like a surreal movie playing. Almost in slow motion. I watched as she tossed her hair and laughed at… Well I had no idea what. The narcissist psycho had met someone who gave the constant attention he desired.
I tried to ignore it. Rise above it, right? But still my heart was racing. I guess this was trauma trigger reaction.
I put it down that perhaps he hadn’t seen me and breathed a sigh of relief, when they got up to leave. Or at least I thought.
He must have seen me. Instead of leaving, they got another drink and went to the garden to smoke.
What did I do wrong?
I did exactly what he wanted. I gave attention, energy to him. Something he always seemed to thrive on. Not a big deal, went to garden to smoke. There he was sat. I so wanted to say my peace. I am not the vulnerable woman I once was. I wanted to say what I really thought, to tell his girlfriend what a sick and evil person he is.
What would that acheive? I bit my tongue. Yes he saw me. Yes he was the one who abused me. Yes he was the one who seemed to experience nothing at all. Nothing but a cold empty shell, validated and echoed by his ever attentive girlfriend who laughed at nothing at all.
For the first time in a long time. I felt fear. I felt small. I felt insignificant. Not for anything he said or did. Because of the sick things that he did to me.
A part of me felt angry and furious this man had no remorse… No shame for his actions…. He was cold as if nothing had happened at all.
They left the pub. He saw me and know that he felt empowered by me feeling in fear of him.
I felt bad …. Just for a bit. Then I remembered the reason I felt like that was because I had the ability to love to feel…..
Then I realised, I am the winner. I always will be. He no longer had power over me. I am free.
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