Is this all your fault? Did you deserve what has happened to you? No, forgive yourself for dating a sociopath

It’s all my fault….

its all my fault

Words either said out loud, or just a thinking, when I looked at the carnage that had became my life, after i was abused.

I constantly told myself that it was my fault…

  • That I allowed this person into my life
  • That I believed them
  • That I trusted them
  • That I was stupid
  • That I was niave
  • That I gave freely access to personal information
  • That I allowed someone into my inner zone…
  • I allowed this person to ruin my life
  • I hate myself and cant forgive myself, for what I allowed to happen

It was just ALL MY FAULT

When I felt at the lowest of the low, and when my life was pretty much burned to the ground. This was common thinking.

I found it difficult not to continue with this thinking. Sociopaths are great at playing victim, and leading you to believe that everything is all your fault.

How many times did you hear the words….

Well if you hadn’t….. and what about when you….

Always their wrong doings are misplaced back to you. You shrink inside, and after a while, you become insulated and withdraw inside of yourself. It’s easier that way.


No, it  is not your fault. There is nothing that you did wrong. You didn’t invite this into your life. It isn’t that you are stupid, naive, gullible. There are many people who were smart, successful, kind, caring, compassionate. People who had everything, business, social life, nice home, financially intact. Their live was good, and then they met ‘victim’ sociopath…. and tried to help them.

All at their own cost and their own expense.

You can look back at your life to before you met them. Just me, personally I had a life, a career, a car, a social life, my finances were OK.

Even today, I am still picking up the pieces and paying the price for actions that were done to me. For no reason at all, just because he could. My car insurance was cancelled, as I was paying for two of us, because he faked jobs, and faked that he was going to get paid. The time that was spent ‘temporarily’ getting us through i couldn’t pay my own bills. Money that was stolen from my bank, when I had direct debits to pay. Those bills couldn’t be paid.

Today my insurance costs a fortune. My credit rating was ruined. Try explaining this to an insurance company, when their decision is based upon the ‘computer’.

Was I stupid? Why did I do that to myself?

The truth is, I DIDN’T. I was lied to and deceived. There is a difference. I didn’t choose this, I didn’t ask for it either.

This person ‘mirrored’ you, and offered you everything that you were ever looking for. Yes, things were tough, but you always thought that it would get better. You had no clue that it was all a mask of deception.

Like a sociopath reader of this blog, wrote to me once in an email….

It isn’t that you are more stupid…. it is that we are better at hiding, than you are at seeking out or discovering

The sociopath plays on your ability to trust (they don’t trust anyone except themselves), they play on your want or need to be in a loving, stable relationship. They mirror you, falsely leading you to believe that they share the same sense of morals and values as you, leading you to open up and share with them.


What has happened to you is not your fault. Before you can forgive anyone else, you have to learn to forgive yourself. Forgive yourself, that you allowed this person into your life.

You didn’t invite someone into your life, your home, your bed, your family friends, and everything into your world, to ruin and destroy you.

This was NOT bad judgement on your behalf. Even if you had been like Miss Marple (a murder mystery crime solver on TV in UK), the sociopath would have lied, and lied and lied. To deceive you.

Red flags that were waving in the air, bright red, you saw them, but you sometimes chose to ignore those red flags. Not wanting to believe that it was true.

Ignoring those red flags, and knowing that you continued, and were lied to after challenging what you saw as red flags, only to be on the receiving end of further lies, can be so soul destroying. You constantly tell yourself

  • If only
  • What if

The sociopath is the greatest teacher

They will teach you the most important lesson of all. TRUST YOURSELF!!!

We are raised to think that it is selfish to think of ourselves and our own needs. We are raised to think of this happy couple-dom on TV and sit com’s. Like Terry and June (another sit com couple on TV).

But life, is not particularly like this (no matter how much the sociopath tries to sell this to you). Successful relationships are not ones where the two people live as mirror copies of each other, and live in each others pockets. They are ones, where each person has their own life, and their own identity.

Dating is  a great one for sociopaths, as they can latch onto the theory that because you are in a RELATIONSHIP then…

  • You should, as we are a team (the only team player is YOU)
  • If this goes wrong, we are in this together (Only YOU will be picking up the pieces)
  • The future will be bright and brilliant (This is a lie and illusion to get what they want from you)

When you are sold the future, like a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, you hang in to the bad times, waiting for the good. Which really is ridiculous.

The sociopath manages to move the relationship forward so fast, by false empty promises and telling you what you want to hear… that you believe that you have met your


Oh, what a good one that is, the soul mate theory. They mirror and mimic your perfect man/woman, that you are sucked in. Its just a way to control you. After all, you wouldn’t want to lose your soul mate.

What has happened is NOT your fault

Please forgive yourself for what has happened to you. It wasn’t that you deserved this. Or that you are a lesser person. In fact, it is really no reflection on you. If anything it is a reflection of your open heart and kindness, that someone deceived you in the name of love.

The first step, the very first step, is trying to sort the chaos and the carnage. Keeping to No Contact so NO further damage can be done to you and your life. Start again, and rebuild.

Learn to start loving you, to heal those wounds. Learn to forgive yourself, for loving with an open heart, and trusting someone who really could not be trusted.

Healthy exercise to heal

Get a piece of paper, at the top of the piece of paper, write the words


Underneath this I want you to write a list, of all the GOOD things about you. Of all the positive things in your life. Of all the things that you have to be grateful for. Write them down.

This will help you to bring back attention and focus back to YOU. Even if you have to go right back to before you met that person. Write it down. If you have children, write down how it is your fault that you were blessed with beautiful children. Anything that you think is good and healthy in your life, things that you worked towards perhaps for years, prior to meeting the sociopath. Maybe you went to University, or College? Maybe you had built a business? Did you have a good social life? Have you travelled, and been on wonderful adventures.

This is about reconnecting YOU back to YOU and your own achievements. Not who the sociopath made you into, but who you REALLY are.

What happened to you with regard to the sociopath, is not your fault. But there are many beautiful things in your life. Even if it is a beautiful park down the road…. yes its your fault that you can see the beauty in nature. That heartache, yes it is your fault that you have the ability to love and care with an open heart. Yes this is your fault.

Bring back the positive and let go of the negative. Stop blaming yourself, and taking blame for actions that were really not your fault. Stop hating yourself for things that were not your fault. Instead, start to love yourself again… for things that really are!! :)

Copyright 2014


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