Dating a sociopath?

How does it feel to date a sociopath?

At first the sociopath will assess you, he will find out what makes you tick. What are you worth? What can he get out of you?

They ask probing questions, and you feel swept off your feet. They seem to know you well. It can only be a soul mate connection, right?

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They move in FAST

The relationship moves at speed, often this is before you feel ready for it.  This can make you question if there is something wrong with YOU, as you don’t feel that way yet, ‘perhaps you should’? You think.

They tell you all kinds of amazing things about yourself. Many of the things they say, will be mirrored back to you, from things that you have said earlier. With the probing questions, came answers that they will now manipulate you with. They will say anything that they can think of, to win you, to seduce you.

  • D0 you have money worries? No worries, they will financially support you.
  • You are feeling low about yourself? Do you have a lack of self-esteem? No worries, they will tell you how wonderful, beautiful, intelligent you are.
  • D0 you find it difficult to trust? Have you been let down by someone in the past? NO worries, they will show you morals, how moralistic they are, to build trust.
  • You are finding life difficult to cope with? No worries they will be the biggest help, they will listen intently, they will be there for you, they will be helpful, useful
  • Are you successful? Do you have money to share? No worries, they will help you spend it….

They will go to great lengths. Why? They do this because they are predators.

In asking those probing questions, with that predatory stare that sometimes unnerved you, they were finding out your weaknesses. Whilst confiding in them your insecurities, they were storing this information. Like a predator.

What happens next is the love bombing. They bombard you and want to spend all of their time with you. It is likely that they will move in with you. They will shower you with affection and attention. You feel you are the centre of their world.

In the following period, they will use all of the information learned about you in the assessment period, to use you, drain you, and to gain everything from you that they can. But you will not be aware of this.

It is not because you are stupid. It’s because they are practised at being this way and you, you are not used to detecting someone of this evil nature.

You will not notice at first, that there is a lack of link to their past, the absence of friends, and family. All of the usual connections will not be present. However, he will notice who provides support in your life.

Gradually, he will isolate you from those people who give you support. He will make comments, so that you fall out with those people. He knows that having you alone and isolated from support is where he thrives best. He doesn’t want you to talk to other people, who might warn you off of him.

You are too valuable, right now, you are their prize. You are the life source of which he has none. You give him what he has not. This includes money, family and friends and a roof over their head.

You will not notice that they are taking from you. Not at first anyway. Remember that this person is a compulsive pathological liar. They will say and do almost anything to protect their lie.

After a while, you realise that you are the only one who is giving and that he is taking. You start to feel a sense of loss. And then you object. This is when the gas lighting starts.

The seduction stage is now over.

The sociopath now moves into gaming mode. Now that he has gained your trust, and you have fallen in love, he has control. It is now time to play the game. Lies are told, and they talk at a rate of 1000 miles an hour, you become confused. If you object, they tell you that you are crazy. By now many of you have lost people close to you, and have nobody else to give you a reality check. They now have you exactly where they want you.

Maybe those people close to you did try to warn you. But with his help, you shut out those friends, after all they were just jealous, bitter, they don’t have what you have?

When you think about things that don’t add up they gas light you further, so you begin to question your own sanity.

You might start to realise what is going on. Maybe you have evidence, maybe all those lies do not add up. After months of confusion, you start to see the light…. just slightly.

The sociopath can now see the end is near, his game is almost up. Or at least nearly, but he will give it one last shot. He will go to great lengths to cover for himself, and tell you that you are paranoid and insecure. Maybe you are now starting to become this way. After all, your mind has been played with. You have been manipulated, and deceived.

You decide that you have had enough. Your life is now going to the pan. Perhaps you have lost your job, financially you have lost, maybe you have also lost friends and family in the time you were defending him and they were trying to talk sense into you.

You have invested so much and lost so much, this can’t be true it can’t be happening? You didn’t want all that loss for nothing ….and so you try to make it work.

But he knows that the game is up or at least coming near to. So, out of the blue, the truth starts to emerge. He will do this deliberately. Deliberately he will let you know exactly what was happening and how stupid you were. You will feel embarrassed and ashamed that this has happened to you.

You try to rebuild your life, to catch up with old friends and other people in your life, anything to get back to normality and away from him.

But he is not going to let you get away that easily. Remember those things you told him in the probing questioning, assessment stage? At the time when you thought he was the love of your life? Well those things are now the very things that he will use against you…

It is now time for the smear campaign. The sociopath now has nothing to lose. He can’t have people finding out about him, as he hates exposure. So, he will report things you did when confused and he was gas lighting you. He will now contact people close to you, to discredit you.

At the end of the relationship he will bombard you again. But this time it is not pleasant. He will stalk you and he will still keep close tabs on you.  He is still clinging on for the last bit of control that he has.

You feel so alone. So damaged and so confused. What the hell has happened? You cannot talk about this to the people who warned you off him, either they have left, or you cannot talk to them, after you defended him so strongly and who would believe you anyway?

You are left alone… confused, bewildered, damaged, maybe your life is totally ruined…

You search the internet desperate for answers, what has happened to you, and why? You need to understand. You are quite understandably devastated, confused, lost, and totally bewildered. Your mind has been played with, often for quite a considerable time.

And so you seek help. You go online, and you search for answers. Then, you find websites, you go through the list, Is this him? You want it not to be true. If you are seeking the answer, is my partner a sociopath? If you recognise the crazy behaviour of your partner in this post, the answer is probably yes.

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Please do not think ‘can I be friends with the sociopath?’

There have been a few readers recently who have made comments about being friends with a sociopath. If this is you, or if you have found this site, by thinking this, perhaps this post is for you.

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Can you be friends with a sociopath?

Before I move on with this post, I want you to ask yourself HONESTLY WHY do you want to be friends with the sociopath?

Is it because:

  • You enjoyed the Sociopath company?
  • You accept that they are a sociopath, now that you know who they are – they can’t do the same to you?
  • You hope that one day they will change
  • Being friends is better than nothing
  • You are scared of them, and their threats, being friends is better than them doing further damage to you?
  • You share children or business with them?
  • You want to ‘appease’ them?
  • You hope that one day, they will learn their lessons and sort themselves out?

Whatever your reasons for wanting friendship with this individual who is

  • Selfish
  • Destructive
  • Deceptive
  • Manipulative
  • Dishonest
  • Hell bent on causing destruction and carnage, wherever they go…..

Let me tell you. All that FRIENDSHIP with this kind of individual will bring, is FURTHER LOSS

Perhaps you are rich, perhaps life is still ‘ok’. Perhaps you have been SO isolated, that the sociopath is all that you have, and so you settle for the scraps that are thrown towards you?

let me tell you, that you are worth so much more than this.

How sociopaths see ‘friendship’

Sociopaths do not have friendships, what they have is ‘associates’ people who they use, to help with their own deception. Do you not think that you being friends with the sociopath, is a great alibi for them to tell the tale that:

  • They are not the bad person that you say they are
  • That you are the obsessed one – you won’t leave them alone
  • That you are mentally damaged
  • That they are ‘good’ and ‘great’ …. look my ex is still ‘friends’ with me
Sociopaths do not see friendships the way that a NORMAL person does. Normal people see friendship as people who:
  • They care about
  • That share common grounds or interests
  • They want to see the best for
  • They enjoy spending time with

I am not saying that sociopaths do not enjoy spending time with their associates. I am sure that they do. I am sure that they appreciate having another individual to do things with, after all, they burn bridges so often, and fuck things up so regularly, that they appreciate having someone to do things with, someone that they can share interests with. You might think, that you, being someone who knows who they are, would be a good companion? You couldn’t be more wrong.

Sure, sociopaths can have people who are associates who give them what they want. I knew the sociopath in my life for FOUR YEARS. In that time, only friends he had were those who:

  • Gave him a place to stay and listened to his bullshit (until he had enough and moved out)
  • Gave him lifts to work
  • Sold him weed
  • Were work colleagues (I met them once)

Sociopaths do not have normal friendships they do not understand the concept of friendship. They are not that way inclined, always it is WHAT IS IN IT FOR ME?

I have never met anybody who had ZERO friendships aside from the sociopath

The divide and conquer rule

Sociopaths, unlike other normal people, need to keep people separate, and keep people apart. They do this to keep in control, and later they can use those separated people to prove their point about the lies that they tell. Often they will tell the same tales of woe to each person, but this will be personalised, dependent on who is listening. By keeping people separate, and making sure that they do not meet each other, the sociopath is able to weave their web of lies and deceit, and keep people deceived.

Of course, if that person is ever needed to ‘prove’ or ‘verify’ their lies, they are of course at hand. Although it is unlikely that you would ever meet them.

I knew the sociopath for 4 years. In that time, I didn’t really meet anybody that he knew. Although he did hang on to people that I knew.

The sociopath will take parts of each persons life, and adapt them as his/her own. By keeping people divided, they ultimately remain in control.

Why you cannot be ‘friends’ with a sociopath after you have been in a relationship with them

You really CANNOT be friends with a sociopath. it simply will not work. I know that you might argue with me, and say that perhaps you have ‘things in common’ or there are ‘things that you like about them’. This does not matter, the point is, how sociopaths see ‘friendships’. I would argue that they do not have friendships, they only have associates.

Sociopaths will NOT suddenly make a full recovery, and be a different person. Who they are, is part of their personality. it is ingrained, a pattern that repeats in the brain. They are hardwired this way. If they pretend that they aren’t, this is a lie, perhaps one that they subliminally believe, but it is a lie, even if it is a lie that they also tell themselves.

You cannot be friends with a sociopath, because they will always bring further loss to your life. Having them in your life you:

  • Give them knowledge about you (that can be later used against you)
  • Stop yourselves from meeting someone who is ‘right’ for you (sociopaths don’t like anybody else trampling on their sentimental property, whether they are with you or not!
  • Enable the sociopath, to use YOU further for their own ends (and they will)
  • Will continue being lied and disrespected

Please don’t think that because you are ‘friends’ that you will be treated better. You won’t be. Sociopaths use people. They use people for their own ends. Which is quite sickening, and the only thing guaranteed is that you will suffer:

  • Further loss
  • Be prevented from moving on with your own life

Even if you have children together, you still can’t be ‘friends’.  Since when did you have a friend that you didn’t trust? For sure, you cannot and will never be able to trust the sociopath.

I do not believe that there are any exceptions to this rule. You cannot trust a sociopath. You cannot believe a word that they say, and it wont be long before they will stab you in the back.

Forget friendship

At the end of the day they do not deserve your friendship. You deserve to treat YOU as your own best friend. You deserve to love YOU. You deserve to pour love and energy into YOU. Each day, pour love and energy into you. Let go of the sociopath. I mean really let go. Even if you have children, only have contact for the children, NOT you (if you have to) but you take care of that liaison, see it as a business proposition.

If you don’t have children, walk away and never have anything to do with them ever again. Only by doing this, by loving you, will you begin to find yourself, and your life again. Then the quality of your life will improve.

You CANNOT be friends with a sociopath, as they are lying, cheating, snakes in the grass, and they WILL stab you in the back, whenever it is convenient for them.

They would use your friendship, to further their aims. Like for example, they might tell you that you are friends,  but then tell new supply or other associates that you are a stalker, increasing their ‘fake popularity’. Believe me you deserve so much better.

Letting go of the sociopath, forever, is the best gift of life that you can give to yourself.

Let go, and never ever look back. Please don’t ever be deluded that you can be friends with a sociopath, because truthfully, you really cant. Not ever. Unless to you, friendship is a snake that will stab you in the back, not a case of if…. but when….

 

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