Can a sociopath change?

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The one question that is often asked when you find out that the person you are in love with is a sociopath, is:

“Can a sociopath change?”

The short answer is NO.

It is important that we get the short answer of No, out of the way as quickly as possible. No they cannot change. Currently there is no cure or therapy for sociopathy that has been found to work effectively. In fact, therapy, couples counselling etc, can make things worse, as the sociopath learns to sharpen their tools to manipulate. It can make them more manipulative. If the sociopath is begging for another chance, and promising that he will change, he is, quite simply, lying. 

The reason why they cannot change, is because they lack conscience. Which means that they feel no guilt, no remorse or shame for their actions. Not only this, but because of this, they are unable to learn from past experiences. A sociopath is unable to make future realistic plans in life, and is not goal orientated or focused.

  • Lack of conscience
  • Lack of genuine feelings
  • Inability to feel remorse or shame for past actions
  • Unable to learn from past experiences
  • Lack of life plan and inability to make target focused goals to create a life plan

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 A sociopath might feign sorrow or apologies. And you, as the victim, after all of the hurt and pain you have been through, might feel relieved. This is what you have wanted to hear. You just want a normal relationship, with someone who doesn’t lie, cheat, betray and use you.

You reason that if a person feels sorrow for their actions, that they will learn that they have hurt  you and will not repeat those actions again? This is reasonable thought when making judgement about somebody who thinks with an ordinary mind. But it is not reasonable thought when making judgement about a sociopath. A sociopath does not, and cannot feel genuine sorrow (Unless it is sorrow for himself).

They might feel sorry that they have done something which has reduced their source for supply, or that they have lost someone out of their life which is useful to them. But once they have regained your trust, and got their source of supply back, the acting ‘sorrowful’ will be gone.

A sociopath is unable to experience empathy, which means that a sociopath has an inability to feel how anybody else feels apart from himself.

Emotions that he expresses are those that he has learnt from other people, they are not genuine feelings or emotions. Remember that the sociopath is a chameleon, he is quite able to be whatever anybody wants him to be, if it serves his purpose.

Whatever he is doing or saying, to convince you that he has changed, and is now sorry,  is simply an ‘act’. He will act out what he thinks that you want to hear. There is nothing genuine about it. And as soon as trust with you is won, he will return to the same person doing the same actions as he did before.

no change

The longer that you stay with it, the more repetitive the behaviour will become. This is because they cannot change. They are manipulative and conning. They love to dupe and deceive you, as they have little else of value in their lives. It gives them a rush of endorphins to do so.

What might be genuine, is that they do not want to lose you out of their life. But this would not be because of love, it would be because you have further supply that they wish to use you for. Quite simply, you are useful to them.

If you are in love with a sociopath, and hoping that he will one day change, and that things will get better, you are simply wasting your life. Any change will be temporary. It is an act that the sociopath will find it impossible to keep up.

Whatever it is that he/she has been doing, lying, cheating, stealing, the sociopath will soon (no matter what false promises are made) return to the same pattern of behaviour.

There is unfortunately no hope that this person will change, because they will not and they cannot. You could waste years of your life ‘waiting’. The best outcome that you could wish for, is for you to love unconditionally no matter what they are doing. But this wouldn’t be a good outcome for you, as you would be denying your own needs.

At what point was the sociopath thinking about YOUR needs, YOUR welfare? ….. see? Never at any point. He was always thinking about himself and what he could get from you. Is this all that you are worth? Someone to be used? Now focus this love, onto You! You deserve it…

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 A sociopath is Wordsworth at words, false words, empty promises. But he isn’t too great at action and following up those words. Which leads to constant disappointment, let down and heartache. So learn to trust you. Learn to take care of yourself. Learn self love. Learn to love the inner you. Because truly, the secret of true happiness lies within.

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Breaking down the psychology of the sociopath and the power of the lie

I have over 700 drafts written, that were never published. I am going to publish some of these, this was written in March 2015.

Nothing keeps a victim of the sociopath bound, confused, giving additional chances, than the mask of illusion and the power of the lie.

All sociopaths are compulsive pathological liars. They hide behind the mask of deception to manipulate, deceive and use others. Their deception, and ability to say whatever they feel like, can confuse the victim. For four reasons:

  1. The truth and reality is too painful to bear (wanting to hear the lie, more than accepting reality)
  2. The victim is invested in some way (emotionally, financially, socially)
  3. The victim doesn’t understand about sociopathic behaviour or that it exists.
  4. The victim has the ability to put someone else’s needs before their own.

To write this post, I wanted to go back to the time, when I was most blind. When I didn’t know that he was a sociopath. What was really happening? What was I saying? What was he saying to me? Why did I tolerate what was happening to me? Why did I deny the truth?

To do this, I went back through old emails. Way back to early 2012

This particular email was written on 28th March 2012 (excuse the grammar, but it is not written by me)….. he always was like a train that didn’t stop at any station….

Hi baby i saw ur reply and i understand a lot of what ur saying but im being completely honest and true and i do feel extremely proactive and i understand the consquences of actions happened but i love u so much and we are def soulmates and they way we make each other feel at best is so magical nikki it really is i am sat watching crap film just thinking about u nonstop and i cant help that u are my world and i have done so much to destroy urs but i wanna repair the damage and be as one again in time becasue i know i can xxplease ring me u stillseem really angry i thought i behaved like my old self today and i felt really good about us again xxx i love u nicola xx

The truth

At this time, he had been conning me for months. I still had no idea of the truth, or the depravity of his mind, and just how far down into hell he would take me. So what was he really saying? He was mirroring back to me, what he thought that I wanted to hear. He was trying to convince me that my OWN MIND and the REALITY that was there right in front of me – was WRONG!

Which of course, was really what I wanted. I couldn’t deny the truth or the facts, at this point, I still didn’t know what the whole truth was. Hear his words

  • I was being completely honest and true :) :) :) (this couldn’t be further from the truth) at this time he was still faking that his daughters mother was dying from cancer, and would be dead anytime soon, and that he was away fighting for access (this was all ficticious, she didn’t have cancer, and neither did he have access).
  • He wasn’t being honest, and didn’t know how to be. I thought that I had uncovered how much money he had stolen from me. Sadly it would be a years later before I discovered the real truth, and when I did find out he was angry with me for bringing up what he liked to call ‘histrionics’ the only histrionic of course, ever was him.
  • I feel proactive, again this was a lie. I was a hardworking woman, who had a career, and a good job. He had been faking jobs to live off of me financially. He moved back after this, after faking that he had yet ANOTHER job, of course, he didn’t. I was stupid enough to let him back, to once again do the same.
  • He didn’t understand the consequences of actions – or if he did, the consequences he understood was how he could punish me, and make me pay (worse was to come in the future) – sociopaths LIE and say that they are either about to make a full recovery, or that they understand the error of their ways, and that they are now changed. They are bullshitters, and just tell you what they think you want to hear. They will say absolutely anything at all, if they think that they can get what they want from you.
  • I love you so much, what we have is magical, I am your soulmate. Mirroring back to me, what I thought of him. He was selling me the illusion of ‘magical’ and soul mate connection. Sociopaths love to use the ‘soulmate’ connection, and are very good at doing so. They feel no empathy, guilt remorse or shame for their actions, in fact they get a rise out of duping and conning, it gives them glee, which to be fair is a big deal for a sociopath, as they are emotionally mute, and have little in the way of genuine emotions and feelings.
  • I think about you non stop, you are my world (again mirroring the illusion of a normal heartbroken man – absolute lies. he wasn’t heartbroken, neither was I his world)
  • I thought I behaved like my ‘old self’….. again mirroring back to me the illusion, as I thought he was a good honest, moral, man. Trying to feed me the illusion, and therefore make me question my mind, I WANTED to believe that he was the person that I THOUGHT he was. Of course, he was only too willing to sell this back to me.
  • I love you….. (well we know what a lie this one is). Three little words. That mean nothing. They might as well say the truth I USE YOU. As that is all that they are, users, liars takers and thieves.

He continued to play the game. Only he was playing a game with my life, and I was allowing him to do so. As the truth was far more painful, than risking his lies again. Or at least, this is the way that it seemed at the time. .

Sociopaths tell you what you want to hear

Sociopaths are quite capable of using someone. Anyone will do really. As long as you are prepared to give them what they want, or they can manipulate out of you, exactly what they want. You are fair game to them. In their mind they think

Well it is your own fault for being so gullible and stupid

I have absolutely no doubt in my mind, that when that email was sent to me in 2012, that he had no care for me at all. I was just another sucker to be used. He was telling me what I wanted to hear. I know this, as he would be in my life, years after this email was sent, when I did have value to him. Value doesn’t mean love, it means what it is ‘value’ I had moved from being just ‘anyone’ to someone who was ‘entertaining’ or at least ‘challenging’ we got on ok, and had some fun times together. In the future I would know exactly who he was.

When he wrote that bullshit email, I know for sure, he didn’t mean a word of it. He was just a ‘chancer’ and an ‘opportunist.

Sociopaths are chancers and opportunists

You might ask yourself

How could you be so unlucky?

Why you?

How do you deserve it?

The truth is –

YOU DON’T DESERVE IT

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU

YOUR ONLY MISFORTUNE WAS TO MEET THE LYING CHEATING SOCIOPATH

YOU COULD HAVE BEEN ANYBODY

Sociopaths…. are chancers and opportunists. If you go No contact with the sociopath, you will see how much of a chancer and opportunist they are. If you totally ignore them, and they don’t want to lose you (as they can have genuine ‘affection’ for some people), you will see just how much of a chancer and opportunist they are. If you ignore them you will see them go through the ‘list’ trying to make contact with you. Trying to break you down. Trying to force you to engage. Each contact could be different, saying different things. Really they are just going through the list, trying to manipulate, control and take back ownership of you again.

  • I know you care about me, someone close to me has a life threatening illness, like cancer
  • I am happy you are happy
  • Do you want to go out for a drink?
  • It is clear that you are with someone else
  • I have learned my lessons, I have changed
  • I am out for a drink with another woman/man – shame you are not here
  • I can see now that it is clear that we have both moved on
  • How are you? I miss you x

These have been texts from my socio ex the last week. Almost daily, sociopath bullshit in a text. I don’t reply. It means nothing to me anymore. You lost me, as you didn’t treat me right.

As for the ‘I am with another woman’ well that doesn’t hurt me anymore, instead I feel relieved, the socio is off my hands.

Please, do not confuse this with LOVE, it isn’t love, it is control. It is possession. They see you as a possession. Life is a game to them, did you not notice just how immature and really emotionally incapable they are?

The only way to stop this, is to stop playing the game.

I played the game for a very long time. I wouldn’t say that I wasted my life. As I wrote this blog (and will continue to do so), but I didn’t want to play the game with him anymore. It gets BORING, hearing the same thing over and over, going round in a circle.

Sociopaths live a very crazy life. They can’t help it. it is just the way that they are. It is nothing that you did wrong. It absolutely doesn’t mean that you are worthless.

If you want to catch up on my work, also follow my Facebook page (The link is at the bottom of this page). These days I work full time, back in the real world. Working with real issues and real peoples dramas. It is nice, life is more interesting as people have different issues, rather than the same thing over and over again that you get with the sociopath. As I think of something that wouldn’t constitute a long post, I write it on the Facebook page.

Remember the NO CONTACT RULE I promise it won’t always hurt like this. but I also promise that you will set yourself up for a lifetime of hurt and pain if you do not get away, stay away, and KEEP away from the sociopath. They will ALWAYS hurt you.

You deserve so much better.

Love yourself, you really are worth it!!

Copyright datingasociopath.com 2015