I am not going to pretend that healing and recovery from a sociopath, is easy. This would be false, but equally it is not as difficult as you might perceive it to be.
What you need to understand, is that the sociopath deliberately creates addiction and dependency towards them. This is done through conditioning, that starts from grooming (that appears to be a genuine ‘love’ connection) in the very beginning. This manipulation and control will continue throughout the relationship, and after the relationship has ended, if you allow it to.
What you allow is what will continue
You can do whatever you want with your life (within reason). It is your life. Do not let someone else be the master of your ship or be in charge of your life. I don’t even like someone driving my car, let alone being in my charge of my life, my thoughts, and everything in my world.
Only you have the right to make decisions for you. Only you, and your own higher power, knows what is right for you.
Equally, change can only come from within you. While others can hold their hands out to you, and offer comfort and support. There will come a time, when only YOU can make those changes, to your world.
You are what you think
This is a difficult one. During an abusive relationship, your thoughts are hijacked, manipulated and controlled. You would have been kept down, and made to feel small. Attacked when you thought for yourself, and of yourself. Accused of all kinds of things, when you asserted your rights for you. If this happens often enough, you stop thinking for you, and continually think not for two, but for someone else. Thinking what will make them happy (and ease off their abuse and complaints). You might have felt worthless, and that you were not worthy of achieving anything at all. Frequently you would have been told that this was:
- All your fault
- That you deserved it
The mind is powerful. The subconscious cannot take a joke. After sociopath hijacking, you can literally hijack yourself and keep yourself frozen in time, by telling yourself and repeating those sentences to yourself
- This is all my fault
- I deserved it
STOP THIS THINKING
You are what you think you are. Your world is, as you see it. You can rise again, recover and heal. When you want to.
The choice is, how long you want to take to do this?
Healing and recovery can take time. Especially if you have been abused for a considerable period of time. This would be true anyway, even if the relationship wasn’t abusive. If you had been with the person for a long time, as the longer the relationship, the longer that it takes to fully heal and recover. This is without the abuse.
When abuse is involved in the relationship, you can be left with the thoughts, words, actions of what someone else has done to you, leading you to believe false things about who you are.
This is not who you are, it is no reflection of you. It is a reflection of the other person, not you. The rage, do not project this rage onto yourself, as this is not yours to keep. It doesn’t belong to you.The horrible words that were said to you, this is merely a reflection of that persons inner feelings about themselves. Know that this is not a reflection of you.
Let go so that you can grow
You don’t have to be held hostage anymore. You are free. Or if you are still in the relationship, you still don’t have to be held hostage. You can only be held hostage if you allow this.
You can let go. You can grow.
You know who you are
Nobody knows you better than you. If you have been in an abusive relationship, often you need time out to rediscover you. It is common for people who have been in an abusive relationship to not know who they are anymore, to be confused about who they are. Often they feel guilty about taking care of their own needs and wants.
This confusion, is caused because you have been abused. You don’t have to feel guilty for being you. You don’t have to feel bad for being you. You ARE good enough!
You can become conditioned to feel guilty for taking care of your own needs. It can feel odd and alien to not have someone else to think of. Silence, does not always feel golden.
Please don’t feel guilty for thinking of you and for you. Unlike what the sociopath has told you, nothing bad will happen to you. You are not selfish. You are not going to spend the rest of your life alone.
You hadn’t spent your years before meeting the sociopath alone, so why would you spend your future alone? This doesn’t make logical sense. Again, this is sociopath brain washing. You won’t be spending your future alone, or you might do, if you want to… but it is highly unlikely.
You haven’t just lost your ‘prize catch’ or the ‘love of your life’, the best is yet to happen. You need to leave your comfort zone, and face your biggest fears (and this is often all that they are) to do so. Sitting still and doing nothing, will achieve nothing at all.
Now that we have this out of the way, it is time to rebuild.
Where to start?
Where do you start when your life has been burned to the ground? Many people have lost a lot, friends, family, finances, accommodation, employment, self esteem, self respect. It might feel that you have lost yourself entirely.
The one thing that you can never lose forever – is yourself
Everything that you once had, is still within you. Do not look to the past with regret. Instead stay with the present. Right now.
TAKE ACTION RIGHT NOW TODAY
Don’t put off until tomorrow, what you can start to do today. The answer to your problems, never lies with someone else. It can only be resolved by you.
Start today to rebuild your life, and repair your broken heart.
When you feel you are downtrodden, beaten up by life, and have no energy left to fight anymore. Not even energy to fight for yourself, write lists. Writing lists helps. Why?
- It comes from within you
- There is no fear of judgement from anyone else
- No harm can come from it
- It can help to sort out what you really want, and where you want to be
What has happened in the past, is not a reflection on who you are. In fact, you are an incredible person if you have been through an abusive relationship. You are not a loser, you are a winner. Why? Because you survived. You are still here to tell the tale, and you would have gained wisdom. Yes, it is true that likely life would never be the same again. But, really, once the pain has gone, you will look back and be glad that you learned the lessons that you did, and have the wisdom that you have now.
You are a smarter, wiser, incredible person because of your experiences, not in spite of your experiences.
There is NOTHING that you cannot recover from
Nothing. Do you hear me. There is NOTHING that you cannot recover from. Believe me, when you start to heal and recover you will realise that you are you, but a BETTER you than you were before.
There is nothing in this life (apart from terminal illness) that you cannot recover from. Even people with severe long term physical injuries, can learn to come to terms with what has happened to them, and adapt to a new way of living with aid and support.
Anything that happens to you, can be recovered from. Not only it can. You WILL recover from it.
The question is when?
When you are in pain, and hurting, particularly if you have had what you feel is a run of bad luck, try not to focus on this. Instead focus on what you want.
You attract towards you, the thoughts that you put out there
This is why writing lists can be useful. If you want to get the bad stuff out there, sure write it down, let it out, and let it go. Start to rebuild by focusing on NOW and today – and then work towards the future.
Fear can cause paralysis
Often people (especially if they have been in an abusive relationship) can do nothing at all, rather than make a decision that is wrong. They do this, particularly after an abusive relationhip, because the mind has been conditioned to believe that:
- You are a failure
- You are worthless
- This is all your fault
- You are unlucky
- You do not deserve better
- The good times are all in the past
- Your partner is off having a good time, so it must be YOU (reinforcing your abusers words towards you)
STOP THIS THINKING – PLEASE THINK POSITIVE!!!
Instead, write down all that is GOOD about you. There must be a lot good about you, otherwise you wouldn’t have been abused. You became abused, because of your good heart and your good nature, your ability to trust, to feel, to care, to love. To put the needs of someone else, over the needs of yourself. This is a good not bad trait. Please don’t hate yourself for what has happened to you.
What has happened, is no reflection of you. And no, that person (despite whatever illusion they give) is not having a high life with someone else, and its all YOUR fault, that your relationship was bad. This isn’t true. The sociopath will be the same with anyone else that they were with you.
THEIR BEHAVIOUR IS NO REFLECTION OF YOU!!!
Only take ownership for what belongs to you
Let go of what doesn’t belong to you. Don’t take ownership of someone else’s words. Often they were said in spite, or to make you feel bad about you. Why continue to feel bad about you, because someone else said so?
If it doesn’t belong to you, then let it go. That chaotic, crazy behaviour, is no reflection on you. It belongs to someone else. So let it go.
Set yourself goals. This will attract positive energy towards you. Write down:
- What do you want?
- Where do you want your life to be?
- What would you like to achieve?
- What are your time frames?
- How are you going to achieve this?
- Start small – take one day at a time, and go easy on yourself. You are HEALING. Think about what this word means. Healing. And indeed you will absolutely RECOVER too.
- Be realistic
- Write down time frames (this will stop you from procrastinating)
- Be realistic about your time frames (for example don’t write that you want to recover horrendous financial loss in a week, this isn’t realistic).
- Write down HOW you are going to achieve your goals?
- Set yourself a plan
- Put in your plan, VERY small goals and tasks. This could be something simple, such as clearing old clothes, or putting away things belonging to your ex. if you put into your plan SMALL goals that can easily be achieved, this will help you with self esteem, it will help you with confidence that will help to achieve the bigger goals
When you start achieving, your confidence WILL improve. You will be so proud of yourself and most importantly you will be
MOVING FORWARD FOR YOU!!!!
Now, you are starting to take back ownership of your OWN LIFE. This is how you take back control of your life.
No matter how difficult life appears to be right now. I promise you that you can overcome, you can achieve and you can repair both yourself, and your life. You can do this.
The only person holding you back – is YOU.
I promise you that this does work. I worked for decades with homeless people, and worked with people, whose lives had been broken into pieces, and worked through the same methods with them. In the most impossible of cases, I saw change. I never gave up on those people. They turned their lives around. I will continue to write this blog, because I will never give up on you either.
Don’t fall at the first hurdle
If you make a mistake on your road to recovery – don’t allow this to set you back, and live in fear of making change. Change is good and change is healthy. We all make mistakes in life. The fact that you recognise you made a mistake, is healthy and offers growth and wisdom. Believe me, this is a good thing as sociopaths don’t see that they make mistakes! :)
If you make a mistake, get back up, and get on with your own goals. Put that energy out there. Don’t focus on what you DON’T want, as you might attract more of that energy towards you. Instead focus on YOU and what you Do want.
You really can do this. I promise you can do it, but first that change has to come from YOU.
Make the effort, start today, I promise it will be worth it, because you are worth it.
Copyright datingasociopath.com 2014