Dating a sociopath?

How does it feel to date a sociopath?

At first the sociopath will assess you, he will find out what makes you tick. What are you worth? What can he get out of you?

They ask probing questions, and you feel swept off your feet. They seem to know you well. It can only be a soul mate connection, right?


They move in FAST

The relationship moves at speed, often this is before you feel ready for it.  This can make you question if there is something wrong with YOU, as you don’t feel that way yet, ‘perhaps you should’? You think.

They tell you all kinds of amazing things about yourself. Many of the things they say, will be mirrored back to you, from things that you have said earlier. With the probing questions, came answers that they will now manipulate you with. They will say anything that they can think of, to win you, to seduce you.

  • D0 you have money worries? No worries, they will financially support you.
  • You are feeling low about yourself? Do you have a lack of self-esteem? No worries, they will tell you how wonderful, beautiful, intelligent you are.
  • D0 you find it difficult to trust? Have you been let down by someone in the past? NO worries, they will show you morals, how moralistic they are, to build trust.
  • You are finding life difficult to cope with? No worries they will be the biggest help, they will listen intently, they will be there for you, they will be helpful, useful
  • Are you successful? Do you have money to share? No worries, they will help you spend it….

They will go to great lengths. Why? They do this because they are predators.

In asking those probing questions, with that predatory stare that sometimes unnerved you, they were finding out your weaknesses. Whilst confiding in them your insecurities, they were storing this information. Like a predator.

What happens next is the love bombing. They bombard you and want to spend all of their time with you. It is likely that they will move in with you. They will shower you with affection and attention. You feel you are the centre of their world.

In the following period, they will use all of the information learned about you in the assessment period, to use you, drain you, and to gain everything from you that they can. But you will not be aware of this.

It is not because you are stupid. It’s because they are practised at being this way and you, you are not used to detecting someone of this evil nature.

You will not notice at first, that there is a lack of link to their past, the absence of friends, and family. All of the usual connections will not be present. However, he will notice who provides support in your life.

Gradually, he will isolate you from those people who give you support. He will make comments, so that you fall out with those people. He knows that having you alone and isolated from support is where he thrives best. He doesn’t want you to talk to other people, who might warn you off of him.

You are too valuable, right now, you are their prize. You are the life source of which he has none. You give him what he has not. This includes money, family and friends and a roof over their head.

You will not notice that they are taking from you. Not at first anyway. Remember that this person is a compulsive pathological liar. They will say and do almost anything to protect their lie.

After a while, you realise that you are the only one who is giving and that he is taking. You start to feel a sense of loss. And then you object. This is when the gas lighting starts.

The seduction stage is now over.

The sociopath now moves into gaming mode. Now that he has gained your trust, and you have fallen in love, he has control. It is now time to play the game. Lies are told, and they talk at a rate of 1000 miles an hour, you become confused. If you object, they tell you that you are crazy. By now many of you have lost people close to you, and have nobody else to give you a reality check. They now have you exactly where they want you.

Maybe those people close to you did try to warn you. But with his help, you shut out those friends, after all they were just jealous, bitter, they don’t have what you have?

When you think about things that don’t add up they gas light you further, so you begin to question your own sanity.

You might start to realise what is going on. Maybe you have evidence, maybe all those lies do not add up. After months of confusion, you start to see the light…. just slightly.

The sociopath can now see the end is near, his game is almost up. Or at least nearly, but he will give it one last shot. He will go to great lengths to cover for himself, and tell you that you are paranoid and insecure. Maybe you are now starting to become this way. After all, your mind has been played with. You have been manipulated, and deceived.

You decide that you have had enough. Your life is now going to the pan. Perhaps you have lost your job, financially you have lost, maybe you have also lost friends and family in the time you were defending him and they were trying to talk sense into you.

You have invested so much and lost so much, this can’t be true it can’t be happening? You didn’t want all that loss for nothing ….and so you try to make it work.

But he knows that the game is up or at least coming near to. So, out of the blue, the truth starts to emerge. He will do this deliberately. Deliberately he will let you know exactly what was happening and how stupid you were. You will feel embarrassed and ashamed that this has happened to you.

You try to rebuild your life, to catch up with old friends and other people in your life, anything to get back to normality and away from him.

But he is not going to let you get away that easily. Remember those things you told him in the probing questioning, assessment stage? At the time when you thought he was the love of your life? Well those things are now the very things that he will use against you…

It is now time for the smear campaign. The sociopath now has nothing to lose. He can’t have people finding out about him, as he hates exposure. So, he will report things you did when confused and he was gas lighting you. He will now contact people close to you, to discredit you.

At the end of the relationship he will bombard you again. But this time it is not pleasant. He will stalk you and he will still keep close tabs on you.  He is still clinging on for the last bit of control that he has.

You feel so alone. So damaged and so confused. What the hell has happened? You cannot talk about this to the people who warned you off him, either they have left, or you cannot talk to them, after you defended him so strongly and who would believe you anyway?

You are left alone… confused, bewildered, damaged, maybe your life is totally ruined…

You search the internet desperate for answers, what has happened to you, and why? You need to understand. You are quite understandably devastated, confused, lost, and totally bewildered. Your mind has been played with, often for quite a considerable time.

And so you seek help. You go online, and you search for answers. Then, you find websites, you go through the list, Is this him? You want it not to be true. If you are seeking the answer, is my partner a sociopath? If you recognise the crazy behaviour of your partner in this post, the answer is probably yes.

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Breaking down the psychology of the sociopath and the power of the lie

I have over 700 drafts written, that were never published. I am going to publish some of these, this was written in March 2015.

Nothing keeps a victim of the sociopath bound, confused, giving additional chances, than the mask of illusion and the power of the lie.

All sociopaths are compulsive pathological liars. They hide behind the mask of deception to manipulate, deceive and use others. Their deception, and ability to say whatever they feel like, can confuse the victim. For four reasons:

  1. The truth and reality is too painful to bear (wanting to hear the lie, more than accepting reality)
  2. The victim is invested in some way (emotionally, financially, socially)
  3. The victim doesn’t understand about sociopathic behaviour or that it exists.
  4. The victim has the ability to put someone else’s needs before their own.

To write this post, I wanted to go back to the time, when I was most blind. When I didn’t know that he was a sociopath. What was really happening? What was I saying? What was he saying to me? Why did I tolerate what was happening to me? Why did I deny the truth?

To do this, I went back through old emails. Way back to early 2012

This particular email was written on 28th March 2012 (excuse the grammar, but it is not written by me)….. he always was like a train that didn’t stop at any station….

Hi baby i saw ur reply and i understand a lot of what ur saying but im being completely honest and true and i do feel extremely proactive and i understand the consquences of actions happened but i love u so much and we are def soulmates and they way we make each other feel at best is so magical nikki it really is i am sat watching crap film just thinking about u nonstop and i cant help that u are my world and i have done so much to destroy urs but i wanna repair the damage and be as one again in time becasue i know i can xxplease ring me u stillseem really angry i thought i behaved like my old self today and i felt really good about us again xxx i love u nicola xx

The truth

At this time, he had been conning me for months. I still had no idea of the truth, or the depravity of his mind, and just how far down into hell he would take me. So what was he really saying? He was mirroring back to me, what he thought that I wanted to hear. He was trying to convince me that my OWN MIND and the REALITY that was there right in front of me – was WRONG!

Which of course, was really what I wanted. I couldn’t deny the truth or the facts, at this point, I still didn’t know what the whole truth was. Hear his words

  • I was being completely honest and true :) :) :) (this couldn’t be further from the truth) at this time he was still faking that his daughters mother was dying from cancer, and would be dead anytime soon, and that he was away fighting for access (this was all ficticious, she didn’t have cancer, and neither did he have access).
  • He wasn’t being honest, and didn’t know how to be. I thought that I had uncovered how much money he had stolen from me. Sadly it would be a years later before I discovered the real truth, and when I did find out he was angry with me for bringing up what he liked to call ‘histrionics’ the only histrionic of course, ever was him.
  • I feel proactive, again this was a lie. I was a hardworking woman, who had a career, and a good job. He had been faking jobs to live off of me financially. He moved back after this, after faking that he had yet ANOTHER job, of course, he didn’t. I was stupid enough to let him back, to once again do the same.
  • He didn’t understand the consequences of actions – or if he did, the consequences he understood was how he could punish me, and make me pay (worse was to come in the future) – sociopaths LIE and say that they are either about to make a full recovery, or that they understand the error of their ways, and that they are now changed. They are bullshitters, and just tell you what they think you want to hear. They will say absolutely anything at all, if they think that they can get what they want from you.
  • I love you so much, what we have is magical, I am your soulmate. Mirroring back to me, what I thought of him. He was selling me the illusion of ‘magical’ and soul mate connection. Sociopaths love to use the ‘soulmate’ connection, and are very good at doing so. They feel no empathy, guilt remorse or shame for their actions, in fact they get a rise out of duping and conning, it gives them glee, which to be fair is a big deal for a sociopath, as they are emotionally mute, and have little in the way of genuine emotions and feelings.
  • I think about you non stop, you are my world (again mirroring the illusion of a normal heartbroken man – absolute lies. he wasn’t heartbroken, neither was I his world)
  • I thought I behaved like my ‘old self’….. again mirroring back to me the illusion, as I thought he was a good honest, moral, man. Trying to feed me the illusion, and therefore make me question my mind, I WANTED to believe that he was the person that I THOUGHT he was. Of course, he was only too willing to sell this back to me.
  • I love you….. (well we know what a lie this one is). Three little words. That mean nothing. They might as well say the truth I USE YOU. As that is all that they are, users, liars takers and thieves.

He continued to play the game. Only he was playing a game with my life, and I was allowing him to do so. As the truth was far more painful, than risking his lies again. Or at least, this is the way that it seemed at the time. .

Sociopaths tell you what you want to hear

Sociopaths are quite capable of using someone. Anyone will do really. As long as you are prepared to give them what they want, or they can manipulate out of you, exactly what they want. You are fair game to them. In their mind they think

Well it is your own fault for being so gullible and stupid

I have absolutely no doubt in my mind, that when that email was sent to me in 2012, that he had no care for me at all. I was just another sucker to be used. He was telling me what I wanted to hear. I know this, as he would be in my life, years after this email was sent, when I did have value to him. Value doesn’t mean love, it means what it is ‘value’ I had moved from being just ‘anyone’ to someone who was ‘entertaining’ or at least ‘challenging’ we got on ok, and had some fun times together. In the future I would know exactly who he was.

When he wrote that bullshit email, I know for sure, he didn’t mean a word of it. He was just a ‘chancer’ and an ‘opportunist.

Sociopaths are chancers and opportunists

You might ask yourself

How could you be so unlucky?

Why you?

How do you deserve it?

The truth is –





Sociopaths…. are chancers and opportunists. If you go No contact with the sociopath, you will see how much of a chancer and opportunist they are. If you totally ignore them, and they don’t want to lose you (as they can have genuine ‘affection’ for some people), you will see just how much of a chancer and opportunist they are. If you ignore them you will see them go through the ‘list’ trying to make contact with you. Trying to break you down. Trying to force you to engage. Each contact could be different, saying different things. Really they are just going through the list, trying to manipulate, control and take back ownership of you again.

  • I know you care about me, someone close to me has a life threatening illness, like cancer
  • I am happy you are happy
  • Do you want to go out for a drink?
  • It is clear that you are with someone else
  • I have learned my lessons, I have changed
  • I am out for a drink with another woman/man – shame you are not here
  • I can see now that it is clear that we have both moved on
  • How are you? I miss you x

These have been texts from my socio ex the last week. Almost daily, sociopath bullshit in a text. I don’t reply. It means nothing to me anymore. You lost me, as you didn’t treat me right.

As for the ‘I am with another woman’ well that doesn’t hurt me anymore, instead I feel relieved, the socio is off my hands.

Please, do not confuse this with LOVE, it isn’t love, it is control. It is possession. They see you as a possession. Life is a game to them, did you not notice just how immature and really emotionally incapable they are?

The only way to stop this, is to stop playing the game.

I played the game for a very long time. I wouldn’t say that I wasted my life. As I wrote this blog (and will continue to do so), but I didn’t want to play the game with him anymore. It gets BORING, hearing the same thing over and over, going round in a circle.

Sociopaths live a very crazy life. They can’t help it. it is just the way that they are. It is nothing that you did wrong. It absolutely doesn’t mean that you are worthless.

If you want to catch up on my work, also follow my Facebook page (The link is at the bottom of this page). These days I work full time, back in the real world. Working with real issues and real peoples dramas. It is nice, life is more interesting as people have different issues, rather than the same thing over and over again that you get with the sociopath. As I think of something that wouldn’t constitute a long post, I write it on the Facebook page.

Remember the NO CONTACT RULE I promise it won’t always hurt like this. but I also promise that you will set yourself up for a lifetime of hurt and pain if you do not get away, stay away, and KEEP away from the sociopath. They will ALWAYS hurt you.

You deserve so much better.

Love yourself, you really are worth it!!

Copyright 2015