When NO Contact is proving impossible!

Note: The following is not advisable if you have children with the sociopath, or if the sociopath is violent. Never place yourself at risk. 


Most sites advise that the best way to get revenge on a sociopath is to have no further contact with them.

For some people, establishing no contact does not work. Maybe you have to have contact. Or, the stalking/harassment/smear campaigns and threats have become so serious, that you are desperate for it to stop, and to avoid further damage to your life.

A sociopath is determined, and for some people no contact is impossible to achieve, and simply causes further distress, and further damage to your life. A sociopath hates to lose control more than anything. You asserting No Contact, whilst in the long term is really the best and most healthy way to move on, you might find that keeping to no contact, simply escalates things further.

My experience, when trying to establish no contact was this

  1. Attempts to contact with me increased
  2. Would show up at my home
  3. Would threaten to speak to my work
  4. Malicious emails to people close to me, or important to me, to discredit me
  5. Threats to report me to x y z
  6. Bombardment to install fear

I went through this many times over. And it was draining, and at the time frightening. I would know that whenever I started No Contact, the calls and texts would escalate. As that was happening, I would know that he would show up at my house.

I grew used to this pattern, and would call police prior to his arrival. Despite this, he would still be outside of my house, yelling through the letter box, standing in my back garden yelling in the garden.

I had complaints from my neighbours, and lived in constant fear of what he would do next. How did I cope with this?

Ultimately, he might have gone away. But damage to my life was continuing. So, I had to think of another way.

I realised that his motive was ‘control’ and his fear was

  • Losing control
  • Exposure

I therefore had to change my own tact to deal with him. Remember that the sociopath only manages to control you through

  • Establishing fear
  • Knowledge that he has gained about you in assessment
  • Preying on any weaknesses that you may have

So, to be successful, and to be such a pain to them, that they either move on, or behave themselves towards you, you need to reverse these things.

  • Show that you are not scared of them – there is no fear – there is no control
  • Feed him false knowledge
  • Additionally feed false knowledge about weaknesses

When a sociopath loses knowledge, he loses control. You win.

To get even with a sociopath, you need to treat him EXACTLY the same way that he treats you. I promise you that he won’t particularly like it. I also understand that for someone who has been emotionally, mentally, damaged and scarred by a sociopath, this might not be such a good idea. You do need to be strong. It is also not advisable for those involved with someone who is violent. But it works! I want you to remember that you have SURVIVED this, and you can make the aftermath both better and more tailored to your liking.

And so you do the following:

  1. Give false information. Don’t tell him the truth. Make up where you have been, and where you are going (if he doesn’t know what you are doing, he cannot control you)
  2. Tell out and out lies
  3. Derail him, by saying one thing, and then changing and saying something else.
  4. Whatever you say to him, make sure it is not the truth, and constantly change your mind
  5. BE NICE
  7. Say words that he wants to hear
  8. If he threatens you (to call work, email people) do the same back
  9. Lure him into a false sense of security
  10. Be CALM
  11. SMILE
  12. The most important thing is MIRROR him, whatever he does, you do (but keep it within the law), let him know you are recording phone conversations…..
  13. Be prepared to lose ‘friends’ who are not really friends. A real friend wouldn’t leave your side no matter what happens or what is said.
  14. Lose your FEAR — he is controlling you through FEAR….. so (even if you are still scared) show you are no longer scared or intimidated by him – this is really important. Fake it if you have to. DO NOT SHOW FEAR EVER

I know that for most people, it can be difficult to act fake, as we are programmed as human beings to be kind, caring, to care about others welfare.

But remember that this is exactly what the sociopath has done to you. What you have to do is take away – remove his control over you.

He can only control what he knows.

  • Mirror him
  • Tell him what he wants to hear – then do the opposite (in actions)
  • Lie to him
  • Derail him by feeding false information
  • Be as ridiculous as you like – go to town!!

When you are doing it, it will be an enlightening (and therefore healing) process to do. You take back YOUR control over YOU. And you remove his control OVER YOU.

It is important that he is not aware what you are doing. Always try to be one step ahead of the game. Play the game, if this is what he wants to do.

I can guarantee that it will work. You won’t, and can’t change him. But you CAN change YOU.

YOU can empower YOU.

You can take control of YOUR life. To do this, you need to stop telling him the truth. A sociopath can only control you, ruin you, if you allow him to.

The outcome should be that he will find you way too much hard work. He also will not suspect what you are doing either. As he relies on the fact that you are honest, so be dishonest (with him). Play him at his own game, and he will soon get tired. He will realise that you are about to damage him.

You will smile as he threatens to tell people, things that have absolutely no bearing on truth. And as it is different to the reality he can do no further damage.

It won’t take back what he has done to you, but it will help you to get even and to teach him that you are not a weak person. Additionally, you will see, by doing this to him, how little respect he had for you, and how he never at any time felt for your needs, or your welfare, it was all about him, and what he could gain from you.

Take back your power. Sometimes No Contact (especially in initial stages) does not work. Simply as he won’t give up and will make your life hell. You have been through enough. Why should you go through more, why should more damage be done to your life?

Start making the changes NOW  :)

UPDATE: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yY-jVezPZfs

208 responses »

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  1. Lee says:

    I love the idea if this method I thought only option was to take the abuse and not react to create shock that u stopped reacting but it’s damaging me a lot. My only question is when he starts to realised story’s don’t add up eg I say I’m doing something and later he says I though you said that you where doing something else, how do I react to that ? Do I say oh something came up or do I say big deal like he would

    My situation is hard his a policeman a threats to distroy my world we have a 6 month old baby together and it’s really hard I moved out on my own and one Minuit thigd seem normal and all it takes is me to say or do one thing that’s not what he wants and the was starts like you wouldn’t believe

    I need to stop letting him do this

  2. Lee says:

    Whoops LET ME TRY AGAIN WITH CORRECTING AUTO CORRECT and fixing poor spelling.

    I love the idea if this method. I thought only option was to take the abuse and not react to create him to feel shock that I have stopped reacting.
    but this method is damaging me a lot.

    My only question is when he starts to realised story’s don’t add up eg I say I’m doing something and later he says I though you said that you where doing something else, how do I react to that ? Do I say oh something came up or do I say big deal like he would?

    His playing me really well he will create a fight and take bad things that I have said to his family and point me out to be this monster meanwhile leaving out what drove me to the point of reacting that way.

    My situation is hard his a policeman a threats to distroy my world we have a 6 month old baby together( I know you said this isn’t recommend with children but i think taking done of this on board would still be more effective and helpful to my well being then taking his crap. it’s been really hard to say the least.

    I have recently moved out on my own after a long battle. he flipped out of control as you would imagine. you I was living in the house we use to share however he had already moved out back home to give us space but I still wasn’t aloud to leave that house. anyway after he got use to the idea I was oh my own house and one Minuit things seem normal and then all it takes is me to say or do one thing that’s not what he wants and the war starts like you wouldn’t believe.

    I need to stop letting him do this his threatening me so much and I feel like I can’t fight back with the law because I don’t want to be the reason he lost his job and get further punishment.

    • positivagirl says:

      Hi Lee and welcome. I have heard from so many victims who are with sociopaths who are also police officers. Awful. I think all sociopaths can threaten to use the law against you. As it’s a form of control I can see how a police officer could go one further. I would try no matter how hard it is to display no emotion at all. He cannot manipulate or control what he cannot see. Also keep a diary and record everything.

    • positivagirl says:

      Yes I understand the war absolutely

  3. Open window says:

    I’m going to attempt this.
    I’m hoping to start with feeding him false information. Then I plan to slowly destruct him by casually pointing out his weaknesses. I’ll tell him that he is lost without me

  4. ropampofu says:

    Reblogged this on Ropa and commented:

  5. A S L says:

    This site is great.

    I am actually a bloke, but I ended up getting completely messed up by this woman, who now I realise is a complete sociopath.

    I went through feelings of confusion and upset and realised she came into my life at a time when I was feeling depressed and low, struggling to cope with the death of family member.

    In the end I was working stuff out and I basically exposed her for what she is, well shit hit the fan over that and she now seems to be gone (which now makes sense, as a made use of the Sociopaths weakness, losing control and being exposed.)

    But after I still blamed myself for everything and was still letting her control me and still trying to work out how she could feel no remorse for using me, isolating me and wasting my life.

    Now I’ve read all this about sociopaths and it all clicks into place, its not a few traits, its like every single one she matches up too, the archetype of a Sociopath and user!

    This is helping me deal with it, as I now realise I am not to blame.

  6. Kim says:

    My wife of 14 yrs left me in May (7mos ago). The day of my back injury at work. We made it to one street over from where I told her 10 yrs ago I wanted to retire. 7 months after she’s gone I live in a friends back room, I cry every day missing her and still can’t understand how she can just dismiss our 14 years as if it never happened. I remember the day I told her “no”, I even told her so before I knew about Sp/narc. She laughed, came back to me for a weekend for the great sex we always had. Told me that she’d had the best Orgasm she’d ever had with me that weekend meanwhile setting my back injury weeks back in recovery. Yes she knew what she was doing and I didn’t, not until now. Now my tears are half for her and half for me being such a fool. I have nothing now. No job, no house, no wife, no music studio. At 52 it will be tough to start again, especially knowing what I know. Meanwhile She at 57 sits at her daughters just built mansion on a mountain with a wrap around porch like she always wanted, veggies home grown on 8 acres protected from me, the husband that abused her and took all her money. I just can’t believe any person could live with another (and I truly adored her, still do) and just drop them out of their life like a piece of trash. Her daughter is slowly finding out the truth, through other sources but realizes there is no home to go back to and me, I’m in pieces. I can’t even admit I’ve lost her, but I have. She made me look the fool. The one bit of proof I have, video documentation of our lovemaking. Evident I the transaction from love sharing to dominitrix, me the ever serving Virgo, her the Taurus sociopath. Documented

    • positivagirl says:

      Hi Kim,

      I am sorry to read that you are hurting so bad, and almost tormenting yourself with thoughts of your wife, and how she has hurt you, focusing on what she has, and what you have not.

      Would it be hard to try to bring back the focus to you? To do things that make you happy?

      Looking at what she is doing, is only going to hurt you. I know that she has abandoned you, there is no reason why you cannot rebuild your life. You assume that she is having an amazing time, but you don’t know that.

  7. Nick says:

    I am a highly functional sociopath, but I would consider myself a “Spock” personality, in that I do lack certain emotions, but my intents are never malicious and I enjoy it when people care for me, and I feel upset when I make someone else feel upset, so that is as close to empathy as I can get. I can tell you that we use more than fear to control people. Personally I use happiness to control people, but usually almost every time my relationships are a win win type of situation, so I never usually burn bridges or hurt people. I will agree that I do like to know everything about everyone, and feeding me false information would fuck me up lol. Just don’t assume that all sociopaths are bad people, although I would say 9/10 of us have malicious intents so be careful. Due to the fact that they leave us all a bad name, I will probably never come out as a sociopath and will just live my life the way I have been living it. :)

    • Maria says:

      Hi Nick, so glad that all the sociopaths have malicious. I have some questions.
      Are sociopaths capable of being in love?
      If so, how can you know they’re just not faking it?
      What do you think that turned you into a sociopath?
      I have this boyfriend that I recently found out that was a cheater and a sociopath, and he is 33 but I look at him and see a child so lost in this world, he never said that he feels like that, it’s more like a body language. I’m a pure empath, and I’m very sensitive to other people energies, and since I break all the illusions\reality that he created to manipulate me I see him like this little child completely lost. Do you think that what I see now is real or it’s just another mind trick to keep me with him? Thank you

  8. Jay says:

    Hi positivagirl. I am so happy that I found your blog. I love reading your articles and especially the comments from other readers. It gives me comfort that I’m not alone. But I am still angry and I want some payback.

    I commented on another one of your articles about online dating and sociopaths. That’s where I met mine. Long story short, she cleaned out my house and bank account all in one day. Police said no crime was committed because we lived together. Sucks, but I think you can get even with a sociopath. It depends on two things: patience and anonymity.

    Before I start, I’m not a revengeful person by nature. I’ve been dumped by women, fired from jobs, etc. but I got over it. In this situation, many of my friends and family have said “She dumped you. Move on.” If she had just grabbed her stuff and left, okay. But she stole from me. It wasn’t just a bad breakup, she’s a criminal. I dug into her past. I am not the only one she’s done this to. I found a guy from 2004. Same story. She does this as a career. So when I hear comments like “the best revenge is living well” I call bullshit. That might work on a person with feelings, but a sociopath has none.

    So my plan is this. Patience. It has been 8 months since I’ve seen her. I plan on waiting until it has been a full year to start getting even. Once I start, then I must remain in the shadows. Anonymous. From what I’ve discovered, she changes guys about every 2-3 months. When I start she would have forgotten about me and not realize which recent man is creating havoc in her world. Someday, maybe 5 or 10 years from now after the statute of limitations past, I’ll let her know.

    I know what you’re thinking because I think the same thing. I am Captain Ahab and she is my great whale. I’m obsessed. I do not deny it. Fortunately, I read your blog. It’s helping but I’m still hurt.

    • positivagirl says:

      Hi jay, i know it hurts. Similar happened to me he emptied my bank too. I only knew when i went to the shop and had no money in my account. I had no food nothing. It isnt just what she has done it is also the betrayal that burns. Like being stabbed in the heart and back at the same time.

      If you put betrayal in the search at the top, i read an old post about this today. It is hard to accept you gave everything to someone who was so empty inside.

    • M says:

      I COMPLETELY AGREE.. Payback is a bitch.. Patience is key. However.. I would look further into this whole it’s not a crime she was living with you bullshit.if you owned the property before you met it is your personal property. Period. The fact she lived with you does not give her the right to steal from you, it’s doesn’t make your property “community property” either.. Even community property is divided during divorce. You need to start now to make her life “suck”.. And go to therapy to regain your self esteem and heal from this experience..
      I believe you must stick up for yourself and get payback – it’s a valuable exercise in standing up for yourself and making sure this doesn’t happen to you in another relationship. We only learn from our mistakes and by taking positive action.

  9. ST says:

    Ok, so being a sociopath, a VERY bored one, I can say you were wrong on one account. We really don’t fear exposure. I mean sure it would royally SUCK but we don’t necessarily fear it. Also, a bit of advice coming from someone who has been arrested for taking the game too far, all of this is considered a challenge that any sociopath would step up to.

    • M says:

      Thanks for the insight.. It’s actually very valuable information. Thank you for sharing!

      Basically, the way to get back our lives and turn the tables on a sociopath is to make it so their lives suck.. Hit them where it hurts..

      Exposure may not hurt them.. They may not give a shit, but loss of control and losing a game would suck.,

      I’m on a mission to make my ex- the psycho, wish he never met me. I’m going to make his life suck. Paybacks a bitch.

      The one thing I realized today is that of all the people in the world you should have zero empathy for is the psycho that hurts you.. Never feel sorry or try to protect the psycho from himself– never. Have no mercy. Metaphorically speaking, always go for the jugular. Be psycho against a psycho and attack instead of defend..

  10. Julie says:

    I never had any intention of getting revenge on my ex Sociopathic boyfiend as I feel that life is too short and doing this would take up too much of my head space with negativity. However, a conversation with his ex partner (the girlfriend before me) after he had dumped me caused me sleepless nights and filled me with anger at how he had treated her. And when she said ‘Thank you for contacting me Julie, I really thought I had gotten over him….your words have given me comfort to know that it wasn’t ME. I really thought I was going crazy’
    I dated my ex sociopathic boyfriend for 10 months before he dumped me by text after I had confronted him about finding another womans text message on his phone (he had been seeing her for 3 months) – Dumping by text was something he had done with all of his previous partners. After he dumped me I contacted his last partner ‘K’ who he was with for 2.5 years prior to meeting me. She told me that he had left her in a very bad way emotionally, physically and financially so much so she wondered if she’d ever recover again. He was aggressive, rude, disrespectful and difficult with her and often didn’t speak/communicate to her for days when he was working away. He had broken her thumb and pocked her hard in the chest. She described the scary side of him when his eyes changed and the ‘rage’ set in. The scary side was something I had never experienced with him, although he had been nasty and aggressive to me on the phone when I was on a ‘girlie’ holiday, upon reflection this was probably because I was away from him and he felt he had lost some control. After speaking to her I realised that everything he had told me about her and their life together was a raft of lies, with perhaps 5%-10% of truthfulness
    I felt that I would hear from him again at some point (don’t know why??) he had sent me the odd text after we had been apart for about 4 months. This just made me think he was sat in a pub somewhere by himself and he was ‘bored’. I did reply to his texts in a nice way as like I said life is too short.
    Then about 4 weeks ago I was in a local pub and as I was walking back to my table coming back I bumped into him. As soon as he’d seen me I could see the interest in his eyes, he asked me did I want a drink and I said I couldn’t as I was out on a date, he asked me how it was going and i said ‘it’s going great thanks’. When I went to the bar 15 mins later he was gone. Two days later he emailed me saying how unexpected & good it was to see me. Really??? The only reason he had emailed me was because I was out with someone else, perhaps he was jealous??
    He asked me out for a drink so we could have a ‘nice catch up’
    It was at this point that I decided that I was going to ‘play’ him and give him a taste of his own medicine!!
    I read this article through over and over and decided to put on my own ‘mask’ & reel him back in and try and get some justice for the ones who had come before me.
    I saw him probably 4-5 times for about four weeks. I touched/stroked his face regularly and told him he was so gorgeous and how very lucky I was to have him back in my life (he always used to tell me that). Then the lies…..
    * I told him my ex husband had won the lottery and given me £125,000
    * I told him that I was going to take him to Thailand in June (business class) for the holiday of a lifetime (he had always wanted to go to Thailand)
    * I told him i wanted him to move in with me as soon as we came back from Thailand (previously I had said he could never move into my house)
    * I stared intensly at him, looking directly into his eyes (as he used to do to me) without blinking and it was him who broke the eye contact
    * I smiled and told him how lucky I was to have him in my life
    * Thanked him for being so honest with me when he talked about the woman he had been seeing when he was with me (and said it with a smile)
    * Said that he was a wonderful person for taking care of ‘K’ and doing everything he did for here when they were together. ‘You were a wonderful partner to her – she was lucky to have you in her life!!!!’
    * Told him he was a great Dad to his daughters (he rarely sees them!!)
    Believe me, it was so very hard and a great strain, leaving me tired and draining. I had to keep going to the bathroom and take my ‘mask’ off for a couple of minutes to swear & have a little rant to myself before putting it back on and being ‘smilie’ compliant Julie again.
    Despite all of this I sensed he felt uncomfortable at me doing this and I started to have concerns that he was becoming suspicious.
    He had told me that he had dumped (again by text) in April the woman (‘A’) he had been seeing when he was with me, due to things not being ‘right’, he said he had blocked her number in his mobile. I, of course searched his mobile and found her numbers in the blocked section under the name of ‘Simon’ – She live in the same town (we had a mutual friend) although he told me she lived somewhere else.
    I knew time was running out for me especially when he rufused to go out into town becuase he didnt feel like it – when pressed he told me that it was A’s birthday and she would be out with her friends and he didnt want to bump into her. I pretended to be hurt and annoyed and said that it shouldn’t matter if he wasnt seeing her. He told me I was overreacting and denied he had any contact with her since blocking her. I told him that I didn’t believe him and I would find out the truth. I told him to leave my house and I didnt want to see him again…it was over, he pleaded & tried to persuade me to think about things, I again asked him to leave, reiterating that I would find out the truth about what was going on with ‘A’ as my instinct was that he was still seeing her.
    He did leave.
    Then (and this is my only regret) I went to A’s flat (she lives about a mile from me) and asked her if we could have a chat. She said she would come down and talk to me but after waiting 10 minutes she didn’t. I therefore returned home and saw 10 missed calls from my ex and a text saying ‘Please answer the phone’ I didn’t call him back but I did ring A and apologised profusely for going to her flat and asked her not to hang up the phone and that all I wanted was to find out some facts. We did chat for about an hour & all the time I could hear her landline phone ringing and my mobile was ringing. She told me he hadn’t dumped her by text at all and that she was indeed still seeing him occasionally. I told her the timelines I was with him & how he had been seeing us both at the same time last year that I had been seeing him again for the past 4 weeks. I also told her what he had done to his previous partners. She was so shocked and thought it was all so disgusting!!
    We left on good terms and I got the impression that she was a sassy lady who didn’t think I was some kind of ‘nutter’
    i then rang my ex who didnt answer his phone so i sent him a text asking him to be a man and answer his phone. he sent me a text back saying ‘After what you have done I never want to see or hear from you again’. Well, of course he didn’t because I exposed him for the pathological liar he was/is and always will be. As said many times on this and other forums Sociopaths hate to to be EXPOSED and to LOSE!!! I sent a return text followed up by a voicemail saying that I wanted him to know that:
    * A and I had a nice chat
    * I had spoken to K and knew EVERYTHING
    * I had played him – i did not care for him at all, it had just been a game for me. I had lied about everything
    * I knew about his debts, CCJ’s
    * He will never change – always was and will be a liar
    I told him never ever to contact ME again and that his numbers and emails were now blocked.
    I have had no regrets about doing this (apart from going to A’s flat) and feel I have now finally got closure as well as getting even, not only for myself but for the others who came before me and also A who came after me. Although I did find wearing the ‘mask’ of deceit and lying very, very hard to do and totally draining…but y’know it feels sooo good to let him know that I knew everything about him and finally have him out of my life for good!!!
    Kind regards Julie

  11. Maria says:

    Hello, I’ve been in a 8 month relationship with this man in his 30’s and fits the sociopath profile. I met him when I was passing a rough time in my life. He dind’t look like he cared much for me, til one day when we got very drunk with a friend of his, and we were all very horny but then I faint, passed out, they took me to the sofa and keep touching me sexually while I was unconscious. I said that I love him and they started to laugh, but then he woke me up took me to his house and took very good care of me that night. It was the first time I saw him being so purely nice with me without even asking for sex. After that we started dating and he was always very sweet til three weeks ago, when I think he had a sociopath meltdown, when I found out that he was cheating on me and faced him with that, he got very cold, never admited anything, got crazy eyes and acted like a crazy person. Only now I can see clearly all the manipulation he put me trough, but I still love him so much. And I know, and he knows if he loses me he would go kinda lost in his life. Very lost. He has no job, no diary routine, and he is getting to a point of life where he wants to have children and all that. He’s probably feeling that his time is running out. If I do this thing of get even with him, will he left me? I want so much to bring him to his knees, desmask him and make him know that I’m not that low self steem girl anymore, but he is still a fragile humam being, and I love him him and I feel sorry if I ever leave him. I want to unmask him and see if there’s any humanity there. He doesn’t know this anymore, but I still fear losing him. You think he will left me or will he start being who he really is with me and drop the game?

    • positivagirl says:

      Hi Maria, he will NEVER EVER drop playing the game. You need to know this. To him, life IS a game. You, are a player in the game (and anyone else that he can rope in to play too) He enjoys this, it is part of his personality. He couldn’t change that part of him if he tried. Getting even with him, is to GET RID of him, to get him to stop bothering you. This is for when you have NO options left, when you have no alternative but to just get him out of your life when you become just too difficult and problematic to play with. (I have heard some sociopaths say that they find it difficult to be with people who have borderline personality disorder) as they are constantly changing and switching.

      You are making excuses for him, feeling sorry for him. Really he has no excuse, it is just the way that he is. Sadly he will always hurt you. I don’t want to say this to you, but it is true. he will always hurt you. Try to turn this love into you. Onto you, breath love and life into you and your world. Believe me, you really do deserve this.

  12. Maria says:

    Positivagirl, what are your thoughts about sociopathy and smoking marijuana? Do you think when they smoke marijuana their layers of lies kinda fade? Or it has absolutely no effect in sociopathy? Thank you :)

    • positivagirl says:

      Hi Maria, I think that marijuana can make them more insane tbh. It can place them ‘off guard’ sometimes it can ‘calm them’ but it can also take them off guard. I remember a time when I had managed to fix my laptop. At the time he had moved out. I gained again access to photos, that were photos of my daughter who had died, quite graphic photos, and also my grandmother when she was alive, who had recently died. He was smoking weed that day, I was probably quite emotional – then he suddenly said ‘ok that’s enough now its getting boring’ normally I wouldn’t have seen that side to him, as he was always guarded and hidden. But I did see what lie behind the mask. They are paranoid anyway, smoking weed can make them more paranoid. Yes I think it has an effect.

      • Ella says:

        I have to disagree on the smoking of weed making them worse. In my experience, they are aasholes no matter what….even going so far as hiding pictures and videos of his deceased father from his mother just a month after the death. When my mother died, I got the call at 1:00 in the morning and he barked for me to leave the room if I was going to be loud and I had not done anything but say hello and gasp. Both deaths he was a complete ass and I know he was clean during one and smoked during the other.

      • M says:

        I’m so sorry to hear about your daughter and grandmother.. You have suffered so much. Thank you for this incredible site. I’m learning so much. I’m going through a vicious custody battle with a sociopath — he kidnapped my son and did so by accusing me of kidnapping!! We lived in Canada for over a year, but he is from California and wanted to force me to move back, so he went to court in california and claimed I abducted my son and “fled to canada” He choked me in front of our son — I stupidly didn’t call the police — I feared the wrath that would ensure.. well telling him I wanted a divorce was the beginning of his campaign to destroy me. First take away my baby, second hire blonde lookalike nanny from norway on a tourist visa to care for our baby while he works 18 hours a day and parties on weekends.. now he is claiming that I was violent towards him and coaching our 3 year old to say on recorded Skype calls that I was “hitting daddy”. Thankfully our son always said mommy mommy remember when daddy choked you like this?? My ex always jumps in to correct him — but my son doesn’t know how to lie yet.
        After importing my car to Canada — he refused to let me insure or register it after I told him the marriage was over — he never went up to get the car, wanted me to park it and take the bus for 6 months. I did — I had no choice..

        But here is when things turned around–

        I reported him to the police for the assault and there was a canada wide warrant for his arrest. Of course I didn’t tell him that.

        He tortured me for almost 5 months not letting me see or speak to my son — and claiming he would accuse me of child abuse etc — he tried to have me arrested twice.. just because I tried to visit my son.

        Well a week ago I bought a car and told him that since September — almost 3 months I have made close to $20k as an acting coach and that I don’t need his money to care for my son…

        This infuriated him and he demanded to come and get the car.. I said yes of course — I don’t want to pay for TWO parking spots and continue paying for a car he won’t permit me to drive…

        So ladies and gentlemen .. yesterday afternoon — he arrived at Vancouver international airport — and got arrested because of the warrant. As I write this — he is still sitting in jail.. they will release him — back to immigration to morrow and he could spend another couple days in jail there until they process him out and make sure he satisfies his bail requirements.. Part of his bail requirements are the court orders that he must obey the California orders — so If he continues to not let me speak to my son every night he will be violating his bail conditions in Canada..

        Since I don’t know where my son lives or who cares for him and my ex is not permitted to contact me directly or indirectly — I will be calling the LAPD in the morning and asking them to find my baby — this will look terrible in court — along with the bail and court orders in Canada — i will have even further overwhelming proof for the california judge that he has disobeyed every single court order and judges instructions.. every last one..

        The only way to fight a sociopath is by fighting fire with fire..

        Since sociopath hate being controlled and are so arrogant they believe they are above the law — the only way to fuck with them is to fuck with them. Taking away their power.

        I really appreciate everyones stories here– they really help. And your description of the sociopath and what to do with them is spot on..

        My recommendation is to go to the police and file a report — its scary — very scary because you feel like you are going to get hit with a boatload of punishment — but do it anyway..

        The second recommendation I will make — I read this on another blog and its so true — the sociopath with give you hints in advance about how they are scheming to destroy you.. take those hints VERY SERIOUSLY…..

        If they say things like you are violent and crazy — it means they will accuse you of being violent and crazy.. if they say they will accuse you of kidnapping or another serious felony — BELIEVE ME WHEN I TELL YOU ITS NOT AN IDLE THREAT…

        DO NOT ALLOW THE THREAT TO FRIGHTEN YOU INTO SUBMISSION. Don’t think for a split second that if you obey or try to reason with them that they will change their mind.. Nope. They have been planning their attack — long before they mentioned it and you better believe you need to be prepared to protect yourself..

        Never try to “protect them from themselves” like I did. I didn’t press charges against him because I didn’t want to ruin his life — boy was that a mistake..

        He went ahead and destroyed mine and took that incident and is accusing me and trying to get our three year old to say I was the aggressor!!!!

        If that bitch or mofo sociopath does anything illegal whatsoever — you report them and you press charges. Have absolutely ZERO COMPASSION — its hard for empathetic people to hurt people — but if you do not attack and defend yourself HARD against the sociopath — they will go out of their way to destroy you and ENJOY EVERY MINUTE OF IT BECAUSE ITS A GAME FOR THEM.

        I assure you now that my ex is sitting in jail in a jumpsuit this game isn’t much fun anymore..

        Once its no longer fun — they will according to what I have read — will slither off to the dark hole they came out of.. to avoid further “exposure” and loss of control..

        Now my ex in under my control — and I am now strong enough to screw him in every direction until my son is back in my arms and I have SOLE LEGAL CUSTODY and he only supervised visitation…

        He doesn’t give a shit about our baby — he won’t visit him. And after the hell he has put my son through (he hates his father for taking him away from me and leaving him with strangers 24/7) my son will not want to see him for fear that he will take him away again. My baby will go to therapy immediately once he gets home.

        Anyway — I’m truly sorry for your loss. I applaud you for strength and for creating this site to help others.

        All my best. M

      • Jill says:

        Congratulations, Lynne! I know, its a powerful feeling to crush the wanna be crusher, isn’t it! Go girl!

  13. Lynne says:

    I’m now about to enter the 2nd year of leaving my sociopath husband. It’s been a long journey ,and sometimes I wonder if things will ever be good again!!!!
    I do feel I’ve become more assertive though.
    After numerous threats and hundreds of abusive emails,I took to doing the same in a roundabout way.
    I read books on the subject,and how their mind thinks.
    Not that I’ve totally understood it all,but I know they hate to be challenged.
    Once you have a go back… They then go into serious victim mode,and they then want everyone to feel sorry for them. Most people close to you,have long sussed them out though. You’re left feeling stupid,as you were the last to see it …. That’s down to gas lighting and brainwashing I guess.
    My ex is in another country,and I heard he was actually going around with a clip board asking people’s opinions on him and I,and where he’d gone wrong!!!!!😡
    Blimey,are they that thick!!!!! The simple answer is no,most are highly intelligent .
    15 years of my life was wasted through his sick abuse… Whether I’ll ever stop talking about it,God only knows.
    I’ve now issued divorce,but that in itself isn’t easy,as he now wants me to sign “his” agreement to say I won’t divorce him!!! Why???
    Is it so he can still try and control me,even though he’s over a thousand miles away??
    I sometimes feel mental abuse is worse than being hit…. Everything is locked in my brain,and it’s hard to shift.
    One day hopefully,Karma will find its way to these parasites. I’ve never been one for evil thoughts,but now I hope he gets his come uppance big time!!!!

  14. Kevin says:

    I’m not dating a psychopath but I’m waist deep into one. We met at a few years ago and became good friends or so I thought. I caught him in several lies and he caused term oil at work all the time. We were both in out side sales doing the same thing just selling different products on the same route. I was warned be several people from his last job that he was bad news and I didn’t listen to the warnings. At the same time my gut was telling to stay away but I didn’t listen to that either. He was fun and easy to talk to and he was very good with the ladies. He was now minipulating me to go with him all the time and stay out with him at the bar. I was married and had 3 small children. My oldest son was autistic. This put a strain on our marriage and also made it hard to have a date night and spend time with each other. In fact it was putting a strain on everything.

    So my wife was feeling vulnerable and neglected and never noticed because I’m a stupid man and didn’t see the warning signs.

    So in comes my friend the Paycopath I intoduced him to my wife and in fact let him stay the night at my house a few times so he didn’t have to drive drunk all the way across town. This is when the nightmare started. He smelled weakness and vulnerability in my wife and started to pursue her. A few months later she asked me for a divorce. I was shocked I knew things were tough for us but didn’t realize this was going to happen and I had no idea he was involved with her like he was. Once I started to figure things out about them over the course of 2014 I became very depressed and didn’t know what to do and at this point I didn’t realize he was a Psycopath. I had this revelation from a friend at work he was listening to an audio book in the car on psychopaths and told me that this sounded just like JS and that’s when I knew. My college degree is in Psycology and I didn’t even realize my ex friend was a psycopath. Meanwhile he has been taking over my life. My now ex wife has fallen totally in love with him. Her parents are rich and I know that’s the hook for him. I was out of options trying to help her. I had done some research and found he was having 5 different affairs going at the same time including my wife. A couple of these woman talked to me and told me what he had done to minipulate them. So I knew what was happening to my wife. So I wrote her a email detailing all the affairs. She didn’t believe me because he told her that I was the liar and I was the one having multiple affairs. He turned my own evidence against me. I was out of options. I had no luck finding his wife. I knew she would have tons of info but I could never find her. Then out of the blue a woman from another state contacted me and told me that the Psycopath had been having an affair with my wife which I already knew. But then she said we have a family of 4 and I have been his long time girlfriend. This was the smoking gun I needed to expose him. This is where I’m at im the story but it’s not over yet. I’m going to take down the psycopath.

    • M says:

      I’m glad to hear you are fighting for your family. The psycho pulled the wool over your eyes, so you can understand how your wife is being completely manipulated. The psycho has completed turned your life inside out.. But don’t let him get away with it.. EXPOSE HIM FOR LYING PIECE OF SHIT HE IS AND GET YOUR FAMILY BACK.

      I hate to say this, because I don’t wish your wife any unhappiness, however, guaranteed the mask is coming off in front of her too.. She is probably still in denial because realizing she made a horrible mistake by leaving you for him is probably really difficult for her to wrap her head around.

      Just forgive her. You made mistakes in your marriage and this became the window of opportunity for this psycho friend of yours to come in and rob you of your marriage and family.

      Good luck.. Just keep doing what’s in front of you.. In the end, he will be exposed.

      Are there other ways you can legally destroy his reputation?

      Report him for tax evasion? Get him caught for drinking and driving? I’m concerned for your wife and children. Any way you can expose him for the piece of trash he is, the better.

  15. Just says:

    This is so hard to do. I want to do it and then my emotions take over and I am were I started. Mine is dangerous, but If I cant do this I have no other options

  16. Lynne says:

    Omg,I’ve tried eveyway to sort this mess out,with my ex.
    If I’m nice,I’m accused of being sarcastic,if I’m nasty,I get,” Don’t back me in a corner,or I’ll make it a whole lot worse.
    I’ve been at screaming point.
    Examples:- If I don’t reply to his email correctly,I then am given multiple choice answers,which I’m meant to circle😡
    Suggesting I read his damn emails at 9am and 6pm,so I don’t overlook any!!
    In one,he even suggested I send his emails to my sons laptop,as he didn’t think I could see the whole email on my iPad 😂

    When I asked for my dog back,I had 2 months of his abuse to wind me up,and I was trying to remain calm,and not bite the bait,until my dog arrived back in UK last December.
    When I let rip after that,I got accused of showing my true colours 😕

    Treating them the way they treat you,in my opinion,doesn’t work,it makes my ex more incensed.
    More worryingly , recently I asked someone who’d known my ex for a long while,if he was capable of killing someone,his reply was,yes if he could get away with it,and get his own way😕

    I guess I’ll never know how a sociopaths brain ticks,but one thing I know,is I wish I’d never ever set eyes on him!!!!!

  17. Jeff says:

    Interesting that you use the word “he” and “him” a lot. I think there are just as many if not more crazy women out there then men.

    • positivagirl says:

      Yes there are, if you look at the date of this post -it was written in 2013…. years ago. Later posts were gender neutral, earlier posts were not.

    • M says:

      wow — really? why do you care? a sociopath is a sociopath — the victims share the same pain.. what difference does it make if they are male or female? maybe women express themselves more on websites like this..
      However, statistically speaking men are usually more likely to be a sociopath.. women statistically are more empathetic than men..

      But trust me I’m not saying this to take away from the validity of the suffering that men have endured from sociopathic women.. I just think that the fact they are male or female is as irrelevant as their sexual orientation, religion, race etc.

      Jeff, define “crazy women”??? That’s how sociopaths like to describe women in general.. Crazy does not describe the psychopath/sociopath accurately.. Cold, cunning, extreme manipulators and bold faced liar are better words to describe this personality..

      Crazy — is people talking to themselves.. hearing voices etc..

  18. Jeff says:

    That seems to be the way of women; to always be the victim and not taking responsibility for their own psychosis.

    • positivagirl says:

      Yes sure Jeff…. clearly you understand nothing about socio/psychopathy.

    • sweet pea says:

      ohhh Jeff, and doesn’t it seem to be the way of the angry misogynist to accuse a woman of having “psychosis” because she feels it’s wrong to be abused and mistreated by empty, pathological, manipulative, dishonest, dysfunctional, people.

      you mean women want things like integrity, respect, kindness, honesty, and love? how dare those crazy women be so crazy.

      big ol’ hug to you @positivagirl, as always, so much gratitude to you for this place of comfort and healing for so many women AND men who have been through this darkness. <3

    • M says:

      Lol. Shows what you know. Now ALL Women are psychotic? You come on this site to spout your opinion but let me point out the obvious: no one cares what you think. Your opinion is worthless. You are not special. You are a nobody troll that enjoys hurting women. You are a dumb ass that has nothing to contribute. Thanks for the laugh though., at least you made me laugh!

  19. Lynne says:

    I’ve never looked up the statistics on men/ women sociopaths.
    It may be interesting to find out,if it’s more predominately men.
    My sons from a previous marriage,said my 2nd,( now ex) was a sociopath.
    I must admit I’d never even heard of the word until then.
    Do they feel love? Yes when they look in the mirror!!!! 😡
    They mirror others emotions,as that’s deemed the right thing to do. An example of this,was when my mother died suddenly. When we were alone together,and I obviously was really upset,he didn’t show any real emotion towards me,or care,but when others were around,he became the caring husband towards me.
    Now I know,it was because I was the only child,and due to inherit money. This he quickly had planned,on how to spent.
    I’d planned to give my sons some money from it,but he was bitterly against it,even though it was their grandmothers money. In the end they got nothing,and the money was spent.
    I guess we all feel the need to get even,if we’ve been involved with one.
    Just how that’s done,God only knows!!!!
    Another interesting fact,I once said to my oldest son,that I thought this sociopathic trait stemmed from my ex being a bully at school. He said no,he was the one who was bullied.
    So many thoughts running through my head,and my need to analyse it.
    Now… I feel ill never win whichever way I approach him.
    We are a year down the line,me spending money on legal fees to sort this mess out,and as far as I’m aware,he’s not spent one penny yet.
    It’s made worse,as there are two properties involved,one in UK,and one in Spain,where he is. He’s no intention of moving from there,and Spanish law is horrendous.
    He agreed to sale,and we have a buyer for property in UK,now he says he’s not signing the paperwork!!!! This was after an email he sent,congratulating me on getting a buyer!!!!
    I might add,I’m back living in UK now.
    I just want my life back,to move forward,but with all this hanging over …. It won’t happen overnight!!!
    Yes…. I’m angry,so so angry!!!!
    At to top all this,he was the one who had an affair,and now I’m being punished for what he did!!!
    I feel I’m hitting my head against a brick wall!!! 😪

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