When NO Contact is proving impossible!

Note: The following is not advisable if you have children with the sociopath, or if the sociopath is violent. Never place yourself at risk. 

prevention

Most sites advise that the best way to get revenge on a sociopath is to have no further contact with them.

For some people, establishing no contact does not work. Maybe you have to have contact. Or, the stalking/harassment/smear campaigns and threats have become so serious, that you are desperate for it to stop, and to avoid further damage to your life.

A sociopath is determined, and for some people no contact is impossible to achieve, and simply causes further distress, and further damage to your life. A sociopath hates to lose control more than anything. You asserting No Contact, whilst in the long term is really the best and most healthy way to move on, you might find that keeping to no contact, simply escalates things further.

My experience, when trying to establish no contact was this

  1. Attempts to contact with me increased
  2. Would show up at my home
  3. Would threaten to speak to my work
  4. Malicious emails to people close to me, or important to me, to discredit me
  5. Threats to report me to x y z
  6. Bombardment to install fear

I went through this many times over. And it was draining, and at the time frightening. I would know that whenever I started No Contact, the calls and texts would escalate. As that was happening, I would know that he would show up at my house.

I grew used to this pattern, and would call police prior to his arrival. Despite this, he would still be outside of my house, yelling through the letter box, standing in my back garden yelling in the garden.

I had complaints from my neighbours, and lived in constant fear of what he would do next. How did I cope with this?

Ultimately, he might have gone away. But damage to my life was continuing. So, I had to think of another way.

I realised that his motive was ‘control’ and his fear was

  • Losing control
  • Exposure

I therefore had to change my own tact to deal with him. Remember that the sociopath only manages to control you through

  • Establishing fear
  • Knowledge that he has gained about you in assessment
  • Preying on any weaknesses that you may have

So, to be successful, and to be such a pain to them, that they either move on, or behave themselves towards you, you need to reverse these things.

  • Show that you are not scared of them – there is no fear – there is no control
  • Feed him false knowledge
  • Additionally feed false knowledge about weaknesses

When a sociopath loses knowledge, he loses control. You win.

To get even with a sociopath, you need to treat him EXACTLY the same way that he treats you. I promise you that he won’t particularly like it. I also understand that for someone who has been emotionally, mentally, damaged and scarred by a sociopath, this might not be such a good idea. You do need to be strong. It is also not advisable for those involved with someone who is violent. But it works! I want you to remember that you have SURVIVED this, and you can make the aftermath both better and more tailored to your liking.

And so you do the following:

  1. Give false information. Don’t tell him the truth. Make up where you have been, and where you are going (if he doesn’t know what you are doing, he cannot control you)
  2. Tell out and out lies
  3. Derail him, by saying one thing, and then changing and saying something else.
  4. Whatever you say to him, make sure it is not the truth, and constantly change your mind
  5. BE NICE
  6. BE CHARMING
  7. Say words that he wants to hear
  8. If he threatens you (to call work, email people) do the same back
  9. Lure him into a false sense of security
  10. Be CALM
  11. SMILE
  12. The most important thing is MIRROR him, whatever he does, you do (but keep it within the law), let him know you are recording phone conversations…..
  13. Be prepared to lose ‘friends’ who are not really friends. A real friend wouldn’t leave your side no matter what happens or what is said.
  14. Lose your FEAR — he is controlling you through FEAR….. so (even if you are still scared) show you are no longer scared or intimidated by him – this is really important. Fake it if you have to. DO NOT SHOW FEAR EVER

I know that for most people, it can be difficult to act fake, as we are programmed as human beings to be kind, caring, to care about others welfare.

But remember that this is exactly what the sociopath has done to you. What you have to do is take away – remove his control over you.

He can only control what he knows.

  • Mirror him
  • Tell him what he wants to hear – then do the opposite (in actions)
  • Lie to him
  • Derail him by feeding false information
  • Be as ridiculous as you like – go to town!!

When you are doing it, it will be an enlightening (and therefore healing) process to do. You take back YOUR control over YOU. And you remove his control OVER YOU.

It is important that he is not aware what you are doing. Always try to be one step ahead of the game. Play the game, if this is what he wants to do.

I can guarantee that it will work. You won’t, and can’t change him. But you CAN change YOU.

YOU can empower YOU.

You can take control of YOUR life. To do this, you need to stop telling him the truth. A sociopath can only control you, ruin you, if you allow him to.

The outcome should be that he will find you way too much hard work. He also will not suspect what you are doing either. As he relies on the fact that you are honest, so be dishonest (with him). Play him at his own game, and he will soon get tired. He will realise that you are about to damage him.

You will smile as he threatens to tell people, things that have absolutely no bearing on truth. And as it is different to the reality he can do no further damage.

It won’t take back what he has done to you, but it will help you to get even and to teach him that you are not a weak person. Additionally, you will see, by doing this to him, how little respect he had for you, and how he never at any time felt for your needs, or your welfare, it was all about him, and what he could gain from you.

Take back your power. Sometimes No Contact (especially in initial stages) does not work. Simply as he won’t give up and will make your life hell. You have been through enough. Why should you go through more, why should more damage be done to your life?

Start making the changes NOW  :)

UPDATE: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yY-jVezPZfs

182 responses »

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  1. Lee says:

    I love the idea if this method I thought only option was to take the abuse and not react to create shock that u stopped reacting but it’s damaging me a lot. My only question is when he starts to realised story’s don’t add up eg I say I’m doing something and later he says I though you said that you where doing something else, how do I react to that ? Do I say oh something came up or do I say big deal like he would

    My situation is hard his a policeman a threats to distroy my world we have a 6 month old baby together and it’s really hard I moved out on my own and one Minuit thigd seem normal and all it takes is me to say or do one thing that’s not what he wants and the was starts like you wouldn’t believe

    I need to stop letting him do this

  2. Lee says:

    Whoops LET ME TRY AGAIN WITH CORRECTING AUTO CORRECT and fixing poor spelling.

    I love the idea if this method. I thought only option was to take the abuse and not react to create him to feel shock that I have stopped reacting.
    but this method is damaging me a lot.

    My only question is when he starts to realised story’s don’t add up eg I say I’m doing something and later he says I though you said that you where doing something else, how do I react to that ? Do I say oh something came up or do I say big deal like he would?

    His playing me really well he will create a fight and take bad things that I have said to his family and point me out to be this monster meanwhile leaving out what drove me to the point of reacting that way.

    My situation is hard his a policeman a threats to distroy my world we have a 6 month old baby together( I know you said this isn’t recommend with children but i think taking done of this on board would still be more effective and helpful to my well being then taking his crap. it’s been really hard to say the least.

    I have recently moved out on my own after a long battle. he flipped out of control as you would imagine. you I was living in the house we use to share however he had already moved out back home to give us space but I still wasn’t aloud to leave that house. anyway after he got use to the idea I was oh my own house and one Minuit things seem normal and then all it takes is me to say or do one thing that’s not what he wants and the war starts like you wouldn’t believe.

    I need to stop letting him do this his threatening me so much and I feel like I can’t fight back with the law because I don’t want to be the reason he lost his job and get further punishment.

    • positivagirl says:

      Hi Lee and welcome. I have heard from so many victims who are with sociopaths who are also police officers. Awful. I think all sociopaths can threaten to use the law against you. As it’s a form of control I can see how a police officer could go one further. I would try no matter how hard it is to display no emotion at all. He cannot manipulate or control what he cannot see. Also keep a diary and record everything.

    • positivagirl says:

      Yes I understand the war absolutely

  3. Open window says:

    I’m going to attempt this.
    I’m hoping to start with feeding him false information. Then I plan to slowly destruct him by casually pointing out his weaknesses. I’ll tell him that he is lost without me

  4. ropampofu says:

    Reblogged this on Ropa and commented:
    classic

  5. A S L says:

    This site is great.

    I am actually a bloke, but I ended up getting completely messed up by this woman, who now I realise is a complete sociopath.

    I went through feelings of confusion and upset and realised she came into my life at a time when I was feeling depressed and low, struggling to cope with the death of family member.

    In the end I was working stuff out and I basically exposed her for what she is, well shit hit the fan over that and she now seems to be gone (which now makes sense, as a made use of the Sociopaths weakness, losing control and being exposed.)

    But after I still blamed myself for everything and was still letting her control me and still trying to work out how she could feel no remorse for using me, isolating me and wasting my life.

    Now I’ve read all this about sociopaths and it all clicks into place, its not a few traits, its like every single one she matches up too, the archetype of a Sociopath and user!

    This is helping me deal with it, as I now realise I am not to blame.

  6. Kim says:

    My wife of 14 yrs left me in May (7mos ago). The day of my back injury at work. We made it to one street over from where I told her 10 yrs ago I wanted to retire. 7 months after she’s gone I live in a friends back room, I cry every day missing her and still can’t understand how she can just dismiss our 14 years as if it never happened. I remember the day I told her “no”, I even told her so before I knew about Sp/narc. She laughed, came back to me for a weekend for the great sex we always had. Told me that she’d had the best Orgasm she’d ever had with me that weekend meanwhile setting my back injury weeks back in recovery. Yes she knew what she was doing and I didn’t, not until now. Now my tears are half for her and half for me being such a fool. I have nothing now. No job, no house, no wife, no music studio. At 52 it will be tough to start again, especially knowing what I know. Meanwhile She at 57 sits at her daughters just built mansion on a mountain with a wrap around porch like she always wanted, veggies home grown on 8 acres protected from me, the husband that abused her and took all her money. I just can’t believe any person could live with another (and I truly adored her, still do) and just drop them out of their life like a piece of trash. Her daughter is slowly finding out the truth, through other sources but realizes there is no home to go back to and me, I’m in pieces. I can’t even admit I’ve lost her, but I have. She made me look the fool. The one bit of proof I have, video documentation of our lovemaking. Evident I the transaction from love sharing to dominitrix, me the ever serving Virgo, her the Taurus sociopath. Documented

    • positivagirl says:

      Hi Kim,

      I am sorry to read that you are hurting so bad, and almost tormenting yourself with thoughts of your wife, and how she has hurt you, focusing on what she has, and what you have not.

      Would it be hard to try to bring back the focus to you? To do things that make you happy?

      Looking at what she is doing, is only going to hurt you. I know that she has abandoned you, there is no reason why you cannot rebuild your life. You assume that she is having an amazing time, but you don’t know that.

  7. Nick says:

    I am a highly functional sociopath, but I would consider myself a “Spock” personality, in that I do lack certain emotions, but my intents are never malicious and I enjoy it when people care for me, and I feel upset when I make someone else feel upset, so that is as close to empathy as I can get. I can tell you that we use more than fear to control people. Personally I use happiness to control people, but usually almost every time my relationships are a win win type of situation, so I never usually burn bridges or hurt people. I will agree that I do like to know everything about everyone, and feeding me false information would fuck me up lol. Just don’t assume that all sociopaths are bad people, although I would say 9/10 of us have malicious intents so be careful. Due to the fact that they leave us all a bad name, I will probably never come out as a sociopath and will just live my life the way I have been living it. :)

  8. Jay says:

    Hi positivagirl. I am so happy that I found your blog. I love reading your articles and especially the comments from other readers. It gives me comfort that I’m not alone. But I am still angry and I want some payback.

    I commented on another one of your articles about online dating and sociopaths. That’s where I met mine. Long story short, she cleaned out my house and bank account all in one day. Police said no crime was committed because we lived together. Sucks, but I think you can get even with a sociopath. It depends on two things: patience and anonymity.

    Before I start, I’m not a revengeful person by nature. I’ve been dumped by women, fired from jobs, etc. but I got over it. In this situation, many of my friends and family have said “She dumped you. Move on.” If she had just grabbed her stuff and left, okay. But she stole from me. It wasn’t just a bad breakup, she’s a criminal. I dug into her past. I am not the only one she’s done this to. I found a guy from 2004. Same story. She does this as a career. So when I hear comments like “the best revenge is living well” I call bullshit. That might work on a person with feelings, but a sociopath has none.

    So my plan is this. Patience. It has been 8 months since I’ve seen her. I plan on waiting until it has been a full year to start getting even. Once I start, then I must remain in the shadows. Anonymous. From what I’ve discovered, she changes guys about every 2-3 months. When I start she would have forgotten about me and not realize which recent man is creating havoc in her world. Someday, maybe 5 or 10 years from now after the statute of limitations past, I’ll let her know.

    I know what you’re thinking because I think the same thing. I am Captain Ahab and she is my great whale. I’m obsessed. I do not deny it. Fortunately, I read your blog. It’s helping but I’m still hurt.

    • positivagirl says:

      Hi jay, i know it hurts. Similar happened to me he emptied my bank too. I only knew when i went to the shop and had no money in my account. I had no food nothing. It isnt just what she has done it is also the betrayal that burns. Like being stabbed in the heart and back at the same time.

      If you put betrayal in the search at the top, i read an old post about this today. It is hard to accept you gave everything to someone who was so empty inside.

  9. ST says:

    Ok, so being a sociopath, a VERY bored one, I can say you were wrong on one account. We really don’t fear exposure. I mean sure it would royally SUCK but we don’t necessarily fear it. Also, a bit of advice coming from someone who has been arrested for taking the game too far, all of this is considered a challenge that any sociopath would step up to.

  10. Julie says:

    I never had any intention of getting revenge on my ex Sociopathic boyfiend as I feel that life is too short and doing this would take up too much of my head space with negativity. However, a conversation with his ex partner (the girlfriend before me) after he had dumped me caused me sleepless nights and filled me with anger at how he had treated her. And when she said ‘Thank you for contacting me Julie, I really thought I had gotten over him….your words have given me comfort to know that it wasn’t ME. I really thought I was going crazy’
    I dated my ex sociopathic boyfriend for 10 months before he dumped me by text after I had confronted him about finding another womans text message on his phone (he had been seeing her for 3 months) – Dumping by text was something he had done with all of his previous partners. After he dumped me I contacted his last partner ‘K’ who he was with for 2.5 years prior to meeting me. She told me that he had left her in a very bad way emotionally, physically and financially so much so she wondered if she’d ever recover again. He was aggressive, rude, disrespectful and difficult with her and often didn’t speak/communicate to her for days when he was working away. He had broken her thumb and pocked her hard in the chest. She described the scary side of him when his eyes changed and the ‘rage’ set in. The scary side was something I had never experienced with him, although he had been nasty and aggressive to me on the phone when I was on a ‘girlie’ holiday, upon reflection this was probably because I was away from him and he felt he had lost some control. After speaking to her I realised that everything he had told me about her and their life together was a raft of lies, with perhaps 5%-10% of truthfulness
    I felt that I would hear from him again at some point (don’t know why??) he had sent me the odd text after we had been apart for about 4 months. This just made me think he was sat in a pub somewhere by himself and he was ‘bored’. I did reply to his texts in a nice way as like I said life is too short.
    Then about 4 weeks ago I was in a local pub and as I was walking back to my table coming back I bumped into him. As soon as he’d seen me I could see the interest in his eyes, he asked me did I want a drink and I said I couldn’t as I was out on a date, he asked me how it was going and i said ‘it’s going great thanks’. When I went to the bar 15 mins later he was gone. Two days later he emailed me saying how unexpected & good it was to see me. Really??? The only reason he had emailed me was because I was out with someone else, perhaps he was jealous??
    He asked me out for a drink so we could have a ‘nice catch up’
    It was at this point that I decided that I was going to ‘play’ him and give him a taste of his own medicine!!
    I read this article through over and over and decided to put on my own ‘mask’ & reel him back in and try and get some justice for the ones who had come before me.
    I saw him probably 4-5 times for about four weeks. I touched/stroked his face regularly and told him he was so gorgeous and how very lucky I was to have him back in my life (he always used to tell me that). Then the lies…..
    * I told him my ex husband had won the lottery and given me £125,000
    * I told him that I was going to take him to Thailand in June (business class) for the holiday of a lifetime (he had always wanted to go to Thailand)
    * I told him i wanted him to move in with me as soon as we came back from Thailand (previously I had said he could never move into my house)
    * I stared intensly at him, looking directly into his eyes (as he used to do to me) without blinking and it was him who broke the eye contact
    * I smiled and told him how lucky I was to have him in my life
    * Thanked him for being so honest with me when he talked about the woman he had been seeing when he was with me (and said it with a smile)
    * Said that he was a wonderful person for taking care of ‘K’ and doing everything he did for here when they were together. ‘You were a wonderful partner to her – she was lucky to have you in her life!!!!’
    * Told him he was a great Dad to his daughters (he rarely sees them!!)
    Believe me, it was so very hard and a great strain, leaving me tired and draining. I had to keep going to the bathroom and take my ‘mask’ off for a couple of minutes to swear & have a little rant to myself before putting it back on and being ‘smilie’ compliant Julie again.
    Despite all of this I sensed he felt uncomfortable at me doing this and I started to have concerns that he was becoming suspicious.
    He had told me that he had dumped (again by text) in April the woman (‘A’) he had been seeing when he was with me, due to things not being ‘right’, he said he had blocked her number in his mobile. I, of course searched his mobile and found her numbers in the blocked section under the name of ‘Simon’ – She live in the same town (we had a mutual friend) although he told me she lived somewhere else.
    I knew time was running out for me especially when he rufused to go out into town becuase he didnt feel like it – when pressed he told me that it was A’s birthday and she would be out with her friends and he didnt want to bump into her. I pretended to be hurt and annoyed and said that it shouldn’t matter if he wasnt seeing her. He told me I was overreacting and denied he had any contact with her since blocking her. I told him that I didn’t believe him and I would find out the truth. I told him to leave my house and I didnt want to see him again…it was over, he pleaded & tried to persuade me to think about things, I again asked him to leave, reiterating that I would find out the truth about what was going on with ‘A’ as my instinct was that he was still seeing her.
    He did leave.
    Then (and this is my only regret) I went to A’s flat (she lives about a mile from me) and asked her if we could have a chat. She said she would come down and talk to me but after waiting 10 minutes she didn’t. I therefore returned home and saw 10 missed calls from my ex and a text saying ‘Please answer the phone’ I didn’t call him back but I did ring A and apologised profusely for going to her flat and asked her not to hang up the phone and that all I wanted was to find out some facts. We did chat for about an hour & all the time I could hear her landline phone ringing and my mobile was ringing. She told me he hadn’t dumped her by text at all and that she was indeed still seeing him occasionally. I told her the timelines I was with him & how he had been seeing us both at the same time last year that I had been seeing him again for the past 4 weeks. I also told her what he had done to his previous partners. She was so shocked and thought it was all so disgusting!!
    We left on good terms and I got the impression that she was a sassy lady who didn’t think I was some kind of ‘nutter’
    i then rang my ex who didnt answer his phone so i sent him a text asking him to be a man and answer his phone. he sent me a text back saying ‘After what you have done I never want to see or hear from you again’. Well, of course he didn’t because I exposed him for the pathological liar he was/is and always will be. As said many times on this and other forums Sociopaths hate to to be EXPOSED and to LOSE!!! I sent a return text followed up by a voicemail saying that I wanted him to know that:
    * A and I had a nice chat
    * I had spoken to K and knew EVERYTHING
    * I had played him – i did not care for him at all, it had just been a game for me. I had lied about everything
    * I knew about his debts, CCJ’s
    * He will never change – always was and will be a liar
    I told him never ever to contact ME again and that his numbers and emails were now blocked.
    I have had no regrets about doing this (apart from going to A’s flat) and feel I have now finally got closure as well as getting even, not only for myself but for the others who came before me and also A who came after me. Although I did find wearing the ‘mask’ of deceit and lying very, very hard to do and totally draining…but y’know it feels sooo good to let him know that I knew everything about him and finally have him out of my life for good!!!
    Kind regards Julie

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