Can a sociopath change?

questions (1)

The one question that is often asked when you find out that the person you are in love with is a sociopath, is:

“Can a sociopath change?”

The short answer is NO.

It is important that we get the short answer of No, out of the way as quickly as possible. No they cannot change. Currently there is no cure or therapy for sociopathy that has been found to work effectively. In fact, therapy, couples counselling etc, can make things worse, as the sociopath learns to sharpen their tools to manipulate. It can make them more manipulative. If the sociopath is begging for another chance, and promising that he will change, he is, quite simply, lying. 

The reason why they cannot change, is because they lack conscience. Which means that they feel no guilt, no remorse or shame for their actions. Not only this, but because of this, they are unable to learn from past experiences. A sociopath is unable to make future realistic plans in life, and is not goal orientated or focused.

  • Lack of conscience
  • Lack of genuine feelings
  • Inability to feel remorse or shame for past actions
  • Unable to learn from past experiences
  • Lack of life plan and inability to make target focused goals to create a life plan

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 A sociopath might feign sorrow or apologies. And you, as the victim, after all of the hurt and pain you have been through, might feel relieved. This is what you have wanted to hear. You just want a normal relationship, with someone who doesn’t lie, cheat, betray and use you.

You reason that if a person feels sorrow for their actions, that they will learn that they have hurt  you and will not repeat those actions again? This is reasonable thought when making judgement about somebody who thinks with an ordinary mind. But it is not reasonable thought when making judgement about a sociopath. A sociopath does not, and cannot feel genuine sorrow (Unless it is sorrow for himself).

They might feel sorry that they have done something which has reduced their source for supply, or that they have lost someone out of their life which is useful to them. But once they have regained your trust, and got their source of supply back, the acting ‘sorrowful’ will be gone.

A sociopath is unable to experience empathy, which means that a sociopath has an inability to feel how anybody else feels apart from himself.

Emotions that he expresses are those that he has learnt from other people, they are not genuine feelings or emotions. Remember that the sociopath is a chameleon, he is quite able to be whatever anybody wants him to be, if it serves his purpose.

Whatever he is doing or saying, to convince you that he has changed, and is now sorry,  is simply an ‘act’. He will act out what he thinks that you want to hear. There is nothing genuine about it. And as soon as trust with you is won, he will return to the same person doing the same actions as he did before.

no change

The longer that you stay with it, the more repetitive the behaviour will become. This is because they cannot change. They are manipulative and conning. They love to dupe and deceive you, as they have little else of value in their lives. It gives them a rush of endorphins to do so.

What might be genuine, is that they do not want to lose you out of their life. But this would not be because of love, it would be because you have further supply that they wish to use you for. Quite simply, you are useful to them.

If you are in love with a sociopath, and hoping that he will one day change, and that things will get better, you are simply wasting your life. Any change will be temporary. It is an act that the sociopath will find it impossible to keep up.

Whatever it is that he/she has been doing, lying, cheating, stealing, the sociopath will soon (no matter what false promises are made) return to the same pattern of behaviour.

There is unfortunately no hope that this person will change, because they will not and they cannot. You could waste years of your life ‘waiting’. The best outcome that you could wish for, is for you to love unconditionally no matter what they are doing. But this wouldn’t be a good outcome for you, as you would be denying your own needs.

At what point was the sociopath thinking about YOUR needs, YOUR welfare? ….. see? Never at any point. He was always thinking about himself and what he could get from you. Is this all that you are worth? Someone to be used? Now focus this love, onto You! You deserve it…

love_yourself

 A sociopath is Wordsworth at words, false words, empty promises. But he isn’t too great at action and following up those words. Which leads to constant disappointment, let down and heartache. So learn to trust you. Learn to take care of yourself. Learn self love. Learn to love the inner you. Because truly, the secret of true happiness lies within.

Words © datingasociopath.com

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38 thoughts on “Can a sociopath change?”

  1. I can not express enough how much I can relate to your posts. You said, “The reason why they cannot change, is because they lack conscience. Which means that they feel no guilt, no remorse or shame for their actions. Not only this, but because of this, they are unable to learn from past experiences”. This is so very true. I have heard the apologies, seen the tears, heard the promises to change. All to have it happen over and over again. They feign understanding, but they do not understand. He even said (several times)…”I didn’t realize it at the time to be wrong, but now that I look back on it, I see how hurtful it was”. I call BS. He knew full well it was wrong to lie and betray or else he wouldn’t have hidden it from me. The fact is that he just didn’t care. He just wanted to do what he wanted to do and to hell with anyone else.

    1. Yes, you are so right Katrina, I think that you do not get to the end of a relationship with a sociopath, without going through these promises for change a few times over.

      Yet, without understanding the way that a sociopath works, and the way that their mind works, we fail to see that they are saying whatever they think needs to be said, to get what they want,

      And that is what it is about, ‘to get what they want’. I think that when they make these promises for change, they are putting on a new mask.

      I think that is why they tend to ‘forget’ what they have done in the past. They have put on a new mask and forgotten about past actions….

      It will repeat again and again. This is the No1 burning question for me, ‘can he change?’,,,,,, it took me a long time to understand the answer was NO.

  2. I firmly believe that they cannot change. This has been proven to me time and time again. I guess the burning questions for me are, “why?” and “what did I ever do to deserve this?”

    1. I found the answer ‘why’ came much later…. and it was one I asked a lot.

      And the answer ‘what did i ever do to deserve this’ ? I did ask this question a lot. But, when I realised that a) It wasn’t me it was them, and nothing I could change it this set me free. I realised that I could have been anyone. it was just, at that time I was probably a good target.

      Today, am stronger….. and actually grateful for the experiences I have had (although I didn’t feel that way for a very long time)…. I met at least 2…. in a row!! ….

    1. Thank you, you are most welcome!!

      This blog, is really how it is, not just from me. But from hearing many victims over the last 9 months, watching people go from victims to survivors. I realised that we all felt the same. We all experienced the same. We could have been dating the same person!!

  3. Thanks for this! The last part about loving yourself really hit home. I knew my ex was a sociopath but it is reassuring to know that he won’t change so that I can finally move on. The final straw was him lying about being in a car accident for sympathy when it turned out those marks on his face were from another woman. I knew then that I could not bear to find out how much lower he could stoop.

    1. Thanks Ann,

      They don’t care. About anyone but themselves. They can’t change. They really can’t.It is just a repeat of behaviour over and over.

      I split with my ex and we stayed ‘friends’ for a year afterwards. This is where I watched the repeated patterns of behaviour over and over. I saw how he would tell outrageous lies to cover – he would try to ‘manage’ his behaviour but was never successful. It is sadly, just the way that they are. Staying with them, you would see a repeat of the behaviour over and over. I was writing this blog – and he was reading it, yet he STILL did the same thing over and over, that has to tell you something?

      Unfortunately they cannot change, it is to do with a trigger/wiring/ in their brain. They ALL do the SAME thing. Hearing story after story – could be the same person, same pattern of behaviour. That is because it is within the brain. Because of that, the way that things are with psychological therapy, there is nothing that can be done to help. I don’t know if they would want help either. As deep down, they don’t really see that there is anything wrong with them, it is a lack of insight, tendency to blame others. Not learning from previous experiences – it will sadly, never change.

      1. i want to believe I was with a sociopath, but my brain tells me he was just the wrong guy. But all the traits were there. I want to tell myself that it was me that brought them out and now he has moved in with another woman and says hes happy working and doing all the things he never did for me but lie cheat take drugs and abuse me. He still tries to email me and even came to town and wanted to see his dog but I feel that was an excuse to just see where I moved.too. Can you help me please to realize who I was with..

  4. Thank you for confirming what my intuition already told me. I knew from the beginning something was wrong, but I chose to go through the jungle of red flags to find myself feeling low just after few months of relationship. I wish I knew back then what I was getting myself into. It was my first and I hope the only experience with sociopath. I am still dealing with recovering from it. I managed to walk away few weeks ago. It is still not easy. Luckily for me, I do not introduce a supply for him anymore, and he is not trying to get back to me. I am on the opposite hand questioning my decision here and there if I should have given it more time. Thank you for this post. It definitely helps in the department of such doubts. I like the last part too. I am taking him as my lesson in self love.

    1. Yes, and what a big lesson to have to learn, the self love part…. at least you are out, and there is no further damage being done to you, sometimes they are relentless on ruining and smear campaigns.

      1. He tried to get back with text messages. He doesn’t know I know who he is. There was a slight temptation to answer the first text because it was written in the most perfect way to make me want to reply. What I did instead, I went online and read whatever caught my eye about sociopaths for several hours. Every day when I had a sad thought about missing something from the past with sociopath, I read again. I read so much. It helped to have zero desire to answer his second text. But what it also did, it brought out fear and I began to question my face in humanity. I know how to deal with fear, but the faith in humanity was not a problem for me in the past, I have no tools how to restore it. I don’t even know if I want to restore it at the moment. If there is one sociopath in every 25 people, should I even go to the amount of trust I had before. Positivagirl, was your faith in humanity low after experience with sociopath?

  5. actually sociopaths can love. and care about other people i have mild Sociopathy. its just they rare they get very protective of the person, and wont hurt them. but its very few and far between when it happens. they tend to stick to family units too. and its not that we dont want to change its what we are. i lost ount of the people i have hurt before, and i hurt more than most people when a loved one dies, yes it mostly is upset for my loss not the person dying but it is still emotion. I had therapy and although it didnt do anything for my sociopathy, i now know what i am, and i avoid people so i dont hurt them, yes i still manipulate people if i get the chance, or when im bored, but i try to avoid those situations. some of the greatest war hero’s where socio[aths. that is what allowed them to send people to their deaths without having nervous breakdowns, in times of trouble we are needed and in times of peace we are scorned. we didnt ask to be like this.

    1. Well that is an interesting reply Me. The post you commented on is ‘can a sociopath change’ …. well you did therapy and didn’t change. So…. I guess the answer is no.

      As for people that you love, if you feel sad about someones death because of your own loss, not the death of the person, that isn’t really love, wouldn’t you agree?

      As for the connection to family, isn’t that because they love you unconditionally and therefore put up with your behaviour? No matter what?

      I am interested to know, who are your war heroes? I do agree, that you didn’t ask to be like this. But then, your victims didn’t ask to go through what they did either, this is your problem, not theirs. They, I think are therefore the true victims in this, not you. Wouldn’t you agree?

  6. Hi Positivagirl,

    You articles about Sociopaths have been a life saver for me ! I am so grateful of them..they have TRULY helped me out in this time of pain. I was with a sociopath for 13 months. Every description was him to a T! I wish there was a support group in my area. I am so tramatized by this all…i ask myself who I am daily to of let someone like him into my life, home, and around my children. Like Nica said I have lost faith and trust in all men. How can I ever believe a word one men say again? My ex started dating someone 4 months after me. She was 4 hours away and he kept her off his facebook. He was only caught because he added her before he left the country (he is milatary) and I noticed him hiding post from me and took off evidence of us down off his page. So I got the courage up and contacted her. He told her all the same things he told me. His apology was more like I am sorry i did this but this is how I always been..and I told you not to contact her..LIKE IT WAS MY FAULT! He has NO REGARD for anyone’s feelings but his own..everything began to fall into place and make sense after reading your articles.

    1. Hi Maria, Thank you for your comment, and welcome to the site. It is very painful at first when the truth comes out. This is no reflection on you, and there was nothing that you could have done to change a thing. I know that the pain of discard is painful, unfortunately nothing you could say to his next victim would change a thing. Can you remember when you were in the relationship? When things were good, and you didn’t want to believe those red flags so you chose to ignore them and believe the sociopath instead? It is like that…. no matter what you say he would have made you out to be the crazy one – and in his own mind he would likely believe that it was all your fault…. even though – it isn’t. But believe me, he will do the same to her as he did to you. You are now free… take one day at a time.

  7. This article could not be more true. 2 days ago I finally ended my relationship with my fiancé who is a sociopath. He used me & drained me emotionally, mentally, physically & financially. He is addicted to hookup dating sites and cheated on me with what I’m guessing to be is dozens of women in a year & half. He gave me chlamydia & thank god that can be cured with one pill…it could have been much worse. He met me when I was in a very low point in my life & took advantage of that. When I first found out about one of his affairs he promised it would never happen again and that he needed help and counseling. So we went to counseling, together & individually. He would come back and report to me that his counselor told him it was my fault he had cheated. I was devastated. I have been depressed, suicidal & suffered from severe anxiety for the last 7 months of my life because of this ba*****. I finally had my proof 2 days ago that he was cheating again. I will say I could write a book about the disgusting things he did and lied to me about…but just one story: I had surgery in January for skin cancer. I’m 25 and it was terrifying. I found emails on his account with pictures of his penis to other women dated back to the same day I had surgery. Such a low life. Praise god I’m out of that relationship! You can not change a sociopath.

    1. Hi heather, thank you for the comments. Welcome to the site. Sounds like you have been through quite some experience. I hope that you find some understanding here. Do you have support for you?

      1. Hi, yes I have been. I’ve got to be honest, yesterday morning I woke up crying. And within moments I realized I wasn’t crying for the loss of my fiancé, I was crying out of relief that the nightmare was over! Thankfully I’ve got a great support system of friends & family (who have all vowed to kill me before letting me even think of returning to the ex haha). I also am continuing to see my mentor/counselor once a week. On top of that I joined two small groups through church over the last week. One is a blended group of couples & singles. The other is a womens only group. I believe both will help me through all I’m going through. I’m blessed to have such great support.

  8. As a sociopath myself i feel a lot of negative vibe here. Can you be in a lasting enjouable with me. Yes. I recently found out about my so called condition. No I don’t feel compassion for others No I can’t relate or feel things from songs. How ever I can understand all the emotions and know how they work. Its not that I want to copy these emotions. Its only the fact that I have to. How else can I relate to society. Think of it this way… you say good morning, how are you doing/feeling. You do so to be nice or show you care, but don’t really mean it. Thats how I feel about everything. Its like a game of chess. Only down side is I myself cannot tell the difference from a bad person or good persons. When I say bad good I mean personality wise. If it they look like a bad person or I see them doing bad stuff of course I know they are bad. Other words I’m not a good judge of characters. But I don’t cheat and lie. I tell the truth as I saw it or I might leave stuffout if not question about it.

    1. Hey Vincent. Do you really believe that you are a sociopath if you don’t lie or deceive? And you aren’t a good judge of character? Sociopaths can read people very well (not held back by emotions so can read cues others who do have emotions cant see). I thought that all sociopaths were devious manipulative and deceptive. Do you really think that you are a sociopath? (I mean what you believe from what you read? Can you associate with it?)

    2. From your perspective, if you don’t relate to or feel things from songs, for example, how do you feel about sex? Logically, since sex is essentially friction, it would seem one partner would be as good as another, if no emotional connection. Or, do you have degrees of “like” for individuals that influence that aspect? Some other measurement (usefulness to your purposes?)

  9. I read this… And I truly wish this wasn’t real. I sit here wishing I can change my girl. Apparently the only thing changing was me. I became lost, I’ve isolated myself from my friends and family. I feel as though I don’t know what to do! My girlfriend has disrespected my family, and I’ve sat quietly by, defending her actions over and over again. I feel like a fool, but also feel like I can love her unconditionally. I feel as though her and I can move away get our own place and live happily, but I know deep down inside, it is just a nightmare waiting to happen. She’s gotten me so entangled in her web that I feel if I try to break free, my world will end. It hurts me so much that I’ve spent so much of my time with her just to now notice she’s a sociopath. I’m not even sure what to do… I don’t want to lose her…but if I don’t lose her, I’ll lose myself.

    1. Hi tony welcome to the site. It is good that you are seeing the truth. You are realising that the option is you and her to the exclusion of all others including family and friends all the people that make you you. Or to leave her and be yourself. The truth is if you moved away it would be worse. You would not be able to make new friends. No one person can fulfill all of your needs. Nobody can do that. To be whole as people we need other people. Your friends and family are part of you…. Somebody who is right for you would fit into the whole of your life they won’t want to take you away from it.

      1. Tony,
        As I was reading your message, my heart just aches for you. You are where I was with my sociopath ex fiancé before I left him over 2 months ago! (See my message from August 26, 2013). I can tell you with these people, it never gets better. For a year & half I waited for things to get better but they never did. I instead isolated myself away from loved ones & continued to defend & make excuses for why my ex is the way he is. I always said when we could afford it, we would move far away & the issues would stop…which is such a lie. I thought the only way it would end up if I tried to leave would be in my own suicide. I didn’t think I could live without him. I became dependent on a mentally ill man. But here I am, 2 months later & with pure genuine joy and peace in my heart, I can tell you that I’m FREE and no longer kept in bondage & life has moved on & moved forward! It was not the death of me that I thought it would but instead, it gave me new life!!! I forced myself to get out of my comfort zone & have gotten involved in a local gym & fitness classes where I’m discovering my mental & physical strengths and also at a church where I’ve found support & some great new friends who are so positive…my life has forever been changed because I left my sociopathic ex. Dig deep & find the courage to stand up & do the right thing for you. You sound like you know what you need to do. Hoping all the best for you.

  10. I have recently ended a 10 month relationship with what I believe is a sociopath. I had no idea what I was dealing with…..whirlwind romance, declaration of love after 2 days (?!) which I found odd, but ignored. Wonderful, fun-filled times together – he couldn’t get enough of me for the first 3 months. The I felt a distance…a gut feeling told me there was someone else, and sure enough he was online on the dating site where we met, using an alias. When confronted he completely denied it; even swore on his daughter’s future! After several nights of denial, I finally told him I no longer wanted to see him and the day after received an email confessing he had gone back online, saying how wrong he was but he realized he’d now lost the only woman he ever loved. Stupidly I fell for it, ignored my principles and boundaries and let him back in. From that point, however, the trust was gone and despite trying so very hard, I could never get past it. While we were together (we live in separate towns, not far from each other) we got on fantastically well, but when we were apart I felt he was distant. I used to say so and he’d accuse me of being distant, not inviting him over and of seeing somebody behind his back. I most certainly wasn’t and couldn’t understand why he was accusing me of this.Meeting times were always on his terms-he used his kids (he’s a divorcee) as an excuse for not being able to set a day aside a day or evening in the week for me. We broke up several times but somehow I always missed him and would get back in touch. I took him home in the summer to meet my family (paid for his flight and most of the holiday). It was during this that he surprised me one morning by knowing the password to my mobile phone. I was amazed. He then dropped the bombshell that he had put spyware on my mobile several months earlier and had been reading all my texts, emails, listening to calls, logging numbers, had tracked my whereabouts with gps and had actually taken over my phone at one point to make a call as he had no credit. I felt sick. When he saw my reaction, he said he was only joking, but I know he wasn’t, and anyway, what kind of person would ‘joke’ about something like that? He boasted he had studied computer hacking too. He told me he visited my flat while I was at work one day (I never gave him a key but it’s possible he talked the watchman in to letting him in.) Again, he said that was a joke too. But joke or not, it plants a seed of fear, which is what I guess he wanted. I have nothing to hide, but it still put me on edge. He talked frequently of marriage. For months since I found out he was cheating, my gut told me to get out, but my heart was on a different page. Finally, three weeks ago, I told him enough and that I wasn’t happy in the relationship. I told him I couldn’t trust him and there was no point in continuing. Since then he’s posted pleas on FB with song links saying we were the perfect couple and what happened. He sent texts. I didn’t respond to any of it. As I was driving out of my flat at the weekend, I spotted his car and my stomach churned. He approached me with a huge bouquet of roses and declared his undying love for me and how I had changed his life (I have no doubt I did in certain areas.) He even asked me not to move apartment as he needed to know I’d always be there! I am moving in a few weeks, but didn’t tell him of course….just wonder if he has somehow got wind of it. However, he finished by saying, even if you move, I know you work at XXXX! My move will be done secretly and I just pray he doesn’t find out when or where. Ladies if any of you have tried to escape quietly, can I ask will he leave me alone or will he try to find where I live? I am absolutely maintaining no contact and trying to move on. I have a dear friend to thank for suggesting I may be dealing with a narcissist/sociopath, which is what got me to this point. It’s been an eye-opener and a huge learning curve, but I’m glad I got out before he did too much damage. This site has been truly helpful- so many great women with a similar story to tell, and in so doing helping others to understand and heal. Bless you all.

  11. Thank you, thank you, thank you for this site. Wow, reading this makes me want to cry (okay I am crying). I have been trapped in a life with my sociopath for about 25 years. I consider myself a fairly intelligent human being – I knew something was not right with him, but I didn’t know what. Usually he is so charming with other people (not me though), has a great sense of humour and is the life of a party – everyone loves him! It makes you feel like there is something wrong or unlovable with you and makes you crazy!

    I didn’t know what a sociopath was until last night when I found this site (among many). I saw something on Facebook and it made me look up the definition … it was then that I had that “aha moment”. Everything I had been living the past 25 years suddenly made sense to me.

    I am 54, have 3 kids 18 and up, and work for my husband. I have told him I’m leaving him, but want things to stay normal until our youngest is done high school (end of 2014). What’s interesting is that I haven’t slept with him for about 12 years – it was my way of detaching emotionally from him and breaking the strong sexual chemistry I had for him, protecting my heart, and keeping some sense of self. I realized about a week ago that he really wasn’t going to change – I feel so stupid for being so slow at figuring this out :( Now to orchestrate my way out with minimal damages. I have a year to do it, wish me luck!

    1. Hi and welcome to the site. You know you deserve a bravery award for staying in the relationship for 25 years!

      If he is a sociopath, and you leave, and he doesn’t want you to, be aware that he will do everything that he can to ruin and destroy you. Whatever you have left of your life.

      Welcome to the site. I hope that you receive good support here.

  12. I have finally realized I am married to a sociopath. I have been emotionally, psychologically, and of recent physically abused by my husband. As a Christian I have clung to my vows….I am learning that I need to leave soon. My children deserve better. I am scared. This man has verbally threatened to kill me if I get between him and the kids. He has made comments that he doesn’t understand suicide but can understand taking the entire family out. He is active duty army. I do not want to ruin his career but I want to leave. I have been planning for years to leave but I am so stuck. I feel sorry for him. He has no family. Parents are dead. Estranged from siblings. I need support. This is scary.

    1. Hi blueeyegal, the thing that lept out to me from your comment was

      He has threatened to kill you
      You do not want to ruin his career
      You are stuck
      You feel sorry for him
      He has no family, parents, siblings….

      First of all you have support from all of us here. This site is a wonderful community of support. I can honestly say this. Sometimes when I am not well, I cannot post (this is my site) commentors always offer warmth and support, and fantastic advice. You are not alone. I know that this is scary. He thrives on making you scared.

      I want you to remember this

      He manipulates using (fake) love
      He uses fear to control you
      He makes you feel sorry for him by playing victim

      I want you to think of YOU and YOUR children. If he has threatened to kill you, please take this threat seriously. Do you have anyone in your life who you trust who can support you? (Or has he isolated you from everyone?)

      You need to make a plan to escape, but this needs to be done in the right way. If he is violent, you need to know that violence WILL escalate if he thinks that you are making plans to leave him. Please call a domestic violence helpline for your area, I don’t know where you are, but if you google you should find a number. The people that work there, should hopefully allocate a worker for you. Try to be discrete, so that he does not know what you are doing or that you are planning to leave.

      While it might seem like a big jump and a scary thing to do, you CAN do this….. and you are not alone. Even if it is just us here, we will support you. I promise that you can do this, and this can get better. Once I was so broken, I didn’t know how I would ever pick myself up off of the floor. I was so scared and felt so isolated and so alone. I couldn’t even face myself in the mirror I had been so psychologically abused. Today I write this site.

      It might feel like the last place in the world that you want to go, to go to domestic violence shelter…. but…. if you have nowhere else that you can safely go to, it might actually save your life. Will give you and your children an opportunity for a fresh start so that you can be safe. Please stay with us, and keep posting. if you post your story on ‘my story and tell your story’ more members will see the post and will support you. You can also email me at datingasociopath@hotmail.co.uk – please think of your safety. You and your safety and welfare and that of your children comes above his needs and the fact that his career might be ruined or he has nobody else, he has created this, not you. He is at fault, not you. I am sure that he also used your religion to keep you tied to him? It can take time, and it can be a scary process to go through….. but….. you could also start to see the sunshine, after living life under a fog of rain and misery and fear. It is time to love you, and love yourself.

  13. I have been married to a Sociopath for 4 years, in the relationship for 7. We had dated long distance while in college, so not only could I not observe the bad behaviors that were masked the 3 days a month we saw each other, but any suspect behaviors with drugs, infidelity etc. I just attributed to typical college behavior that would die out. He was also diagnosed with depression, adhd, and others, so for a few years it was easier to have sympathy and patience since those diseases can be managed.

    Since he has moved in, he has gotten worse and worse. Unable to hold jobs, from Web Cam sex sites to dating sites, hidden credit cards, addiction to drugs, claiming he is a premier drug dealer to the elite in our area, disappearing for a day or two to play video games, claiming he has diseases like brain lesions, etc. He is a perpetual liar but horrible at lying in the sense that I always catch him. He finally crossed the line last week when I logged into his email and found some pictures he had taken of my 12 year old daughter sleeping in her panties and a tank top. The cops won’t do anything because they said I might have taken the photos to get him I trouble, and that it is actually illegal for me to log into his online sites. So much for support and justice.

    He has seen tons of therapists but always found reasons (lies) to quit, and apparently when he did go would only talk about his traumatic childhood rather than all of his destructive behavior. . After the pictures, I demanded that we go to a therapist together to ensure the whole truth was told. He tried to water down or justify actions and of course blame me: the pictures aren’t pedophila because my daughter is an adolescent. The dealing drugs was to help me work less so I could be happy, how dare I intwrfere. The marijuana and video games are his medicine, blah blah. The lies and stories he makes up are insane. How dare i call his work to verify he actually went to work-i am always “salting the earth” to torment him. On the dating site, he was telling women various grandiose stories–he’s an off Broadway producer, he’s a bikram yoga teacher, etc. I can see how he duped me with the same charm. He knew i was all about creativity, intimacy, and being charitable. For the 4 years of dating, he made me personalized gifts fro scratch on a weekly basis, the sex was all I could fantasize and more, and he did all types of community service and talked about his plan to offer pro bono therapy to troubled teens once he earned his psychiatry degree. Little did I know he was barely passing classes and that the sex would turn into 2 minute stints twice a year once he moved in. And all gifts gone too because he now forgets all holidays and our days.

    We have an 8 month old baby together and I’m terrified because I’ve read aspd is genetic. For women posting here who were married and had kids with the sociopath, how are the kids today? My little guy is so sweet and innocent. He has already been exposed to our yelling and my anxiety. I can’t take another day of my kids hurting.

    My oldest two despise him and want him out of our lives permanently. He had been sleeping in our car but it’s freezing now and supposedly all the shelters are full, so I’ve been letting him stay in the back room. Every day I just pray I get to move or that he commits suicide (as he often talks about doing when I kick him out). He says he will go into the military to get his act together, but I don’t see how he can pass the drug test or keep passing them. I feel we will never be rid of him. I want and need to know my little boy will be safe and happy.

    He of course uses his usual script of how he wants to get help, there’s no point living if it’s not with us, he can never be with another woman, our safety is all that matters, etc. But once the urge comes–as it did yesterday when he lied that he had to work on a public holiday so that he could ‘escape’ and play video games all day–he has no hesitation to do it. Remorse and shame afterwards perhaps, but no foresight or control. I think he does regret being sick–from what I’ve read, there.is a spectrum from zero to some empathy, and emotional lability to true emotions. I don’t think he can change though since impulse control is too hard for him.

    Any feedback is greatly appreciated.

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