Can a sociopath change?

questions (1)

The one question that is often asked when you find out that the person you are in love with is a sociopath, is:

“Can a sociopath change?”

The short answer is NO.

It is important that we get the short answer of No, out of the way as quickly as possible. No they cannot change. Currently there is no cure or therapy for sociopathy that has been found to work effectively. In fact, therapy, couples counselling etc, can make things worse, as the sociopath learns to sharpen their tools to manipulate. It can make them more manipulative. If the sociopath is begging for another chance, and promising that he will change, he is, quite simply, lying. 

The reason why they cannot change, is because they lack conscience. Which means that they feel no guilt, no remorse or shame for their actions. Not only this, but because of this, they are unable to learn from past experiences. A sociopath is unable to make future realistic plans in life, and is not goal orientated or focused.

  • Lack of conscience
  • Lack of genuine feelings
  • Inability to feel remorse or shame for past actions
  • Unable to learn from past experiences
  • Lack of life plan and inability to make target focused goals to create a life plan

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 A sociopath might feign sorrow or apologies. And you, as the victim, after all of the hurt and pain you have been through, might feel relieved. This is what you have wanted to hear. You just want a normal relationship, with someone who doesn’t lie, cheat, betray and use you.

You reason that if a person feels sorrow for their actions, that they will learn that they have hurt  you and will not repeat those actions again? This is reasonable thought when making judgement about somebody who thinks with an ordinary mind. But it is not reasonable thought when making judgement about a sociopath. A sociopath does not, and cannot feel genuine sorrow (Unless it is sorrow for himself).

They might feel sorry that they have done something which has reduced their source for supply, or that they have lost someone out of their life which is useful to them. But once they have regained your trust, and got their source of supply back, the acting ‘sorrowful’ will be gone.

A sociopath is unable to experience empathy, which means that a sociopath has an inability to feel how anybody else feels apart from himself.

Emotions that he expresses are those that he has learnt from other people, they are not genuine feelings or emotions. Remember that the sociopath is a chameleon, he is quite able to be whatever anybody wants him to be, if it serves his purpose.

Whatever he is doing or saying, to convince you that he has changed, and is now sorry,  is simply an ‘act’. He will act out what he thinks that you want to hear. There is nothing genuine about it. And as soon as trust with you is won, he will return to the same person doing the same actions as he did before.

no change

The longer that you stay with it, the more repetitive the behaviour will become. This is because they cannot change. They are manipulative and conning. They love to dupe and deceive you, as they have little else of value in their lives. It gives them a rush of endorphins to do so.

What might be genuine, is that they do not want to lose you out of their life. But this would not be because of love, it would be because you have further supply that they wish to use you for. Quite simply, you are useful to them.

If you are in love with a sociopath, and hoping that he will one day change, and that things will get better, you are simply wasting your life. Any change will be temporary. It is an act that the sociopath will find it impossible to keep up.

Whatever it is that he/she has been doing, lying, cheating, stealing, the sociopath will soon (no matter what false promises are made) return to the same pattern of behaviour.

There is unfortunately no hope that this person will change, because they will not and they cannot. You could waste years of your life ‘waiting’. The best outcome that you could wish for, is for you to love unconditionally no matter what they are doing. But this wouldn’t be a good outcome for you, as you would be denying your own needs.

At what point was the sociopath thinking about YOUR needs, YOUR welfare? ….. see? Never at any point. He was always thinking about himself and what he could get from you. Is this all that you are worth? Someone to be used? Now focus this love, onto You! You deserve it…

love_yourself

 A sociopath is Wordsworth at words, false words, empty promises. But he isn’t too great at action and following up those words. Which leads to constant disappointment, let down and heartache. So learn to trust you. Learn to take care of yourself. Learn self love. Learn to love the inner you. Because truly, the secret of true happiness lies within.

Words © datingasociopath.com

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46 thoughts on “Can a sociopath change?”

  1. I can not express enough how much I can relate to your posts. You said, “The reason why they cannot change, is because they lack conscience. Which means that they feel no guilt, no remorse or shame for their actions. Not only this, but because of this, they are unable to learn from past experiences”. This is so very true. I have heard the apologies, seen the tears, heard the promises to change. All to have it happen over and over again. They feign understanding, but they do not understand. He even said (several times)…”I didn’t realize it at the time to be wrong, but now that I look back on it, I see how hurtful it was”. I call BS. He knew full well it was wrong to lie and betray or else he wouldn’t have hidden it from me. The fact is that he just didn’t care. He just wanted to do what he wanted to do and to hell with anyone else.

    1. Yes, you are so right Katrina, I think that you do not get to the end of a relationship with a sociopath, without going through these promises for change a few times over.

      Yet, without understanding the way that a sociopath works, and the way that their mind works, we fail to see that they are saying whatever they think needs to be said, to get what they want,

      And that is what it is about, ‘to get what they want’. I think that when they make these promises for change, they are putting on a new mask.

      I think that is why they tend to ‘forget’ what they have done in the past. They have put on a new mask and forgotten about past actions….

      It will repeat again and again. This is the No1 burning question for me, ‘can he change?’,,,,,, it took me a long time to understand the answer was NO.

  2. I firmly believe that they cannot change. This has been proven to me time and time again. I guess the burning questions for me are, “why?” and “what did I ever do to deserve this?”

    1. I found the answer ‘why’ came much later…. and it was one I asked a lot.

      And the answer ‘what did i ever do to deserve this’ ? I did ask this question a lot. But, when I realised that a) It wasn’t me it was them, and nothing I could change it this set me free. I realised that I could have been anyone. it was just, at that time I was probably a good target.

      Today, am stronger….. and actually grateful for the experiences I have had (although I didn’t feel that way for a very long time)…. I met at least 2…. in a row!! ….

    1. Thank you, you are most welcome!!

      This blog, is really how it is, not just from me. But from hearing many victims over the last 9 months, watching people go from victims to survivors. I realised that we all felt the same. We all experienced the same. We could have been dating the same person!!

  3. Thanks for this! The last part about loving yourself really hit home. I knew my ex was a sociopath but it is reassuring to know that he won’t change so that I can finally move on. The final straw was him lying about being in a car accident for sympathy when it turned out those marks on his face were from another woman. I knew then that I could not bear to find out how much lower he could stoop.

    1. Thanks Ann,

      They don’t care. About anyone but themselves. They can’t change. They really can’t.It is just a repeat of behaviour over and over.

      I split with my ex and we stayed ‘friends’ for a year afterwards. This is where I watched the repeated patterns of behaviour over and over. I saw how he would tell outrageous lies to cover – he would try to ‘manage’ his behaviour but was never successful. It is sadly, just the way that they are. Staying with them, you would see a repeat of the behaviour over and over. I was writing this blog – and he was reading it, yet he STILL did the same thing over and over, that has to tell you something?

      Unfortunately they cannot change, it is to do with a trigger/wiring/ in their brain. They ALL do the SAME thing. Hearing story after story – could be the same person, same pattern of behaviour. That is because it is within the brain. Because of that, the way that things are with psychological therapy, there is nothing that can be done to help. I don’t know if they would want help either. As deep down, they don’t really see that there is anything wrong with them, it is a lack of insight, tendency to blame others. Not learning from previous experiences – it will sadly, never change.

      1. i want to believe I was with a sociopath, but my brain tells me he was just the wrong guy. But all the traits were there. I want to tell myself that it was me that brought them out and now he has moved in with another woman and says hes happy working and doing all the things he never did for me but lie cheat take drugs and abuse me. He still tries to email me and even came to town and wanted to see his dog but I feel that was an excuse to just see where I moved.too. Can you help me please to realize who I was with..

  4. Thank you for confirming what my intuition already told me. I knew from the beginning something was wrong, but I chose to go through the jungle of red flags to find myself feeling low just after few months of relationship. I wish I knew back then what I was getting myself into. It was my first and I hope the only experience with sociopath. I am still dealing with recovering from it. I managed to walk away few weeks ago. It is still not easy. Luckily for me, I do not introduce a supply for him anymore, and he is not trying to get back to me. I am on the opposite hand questioning my decision here and there if I should have given it more time. Thank you for this post. It definitely helps in the department of such doubts. I like the last part too. I am taking him as my lesson in self love.

    1. Yes, and what a big lesson to have to learn, the self love part…. at least you are out, and there is no further damage being done to you, sometimes they are relentless on ruining and smear campaigns.

      1. He tried to get back with text messages. He doesn’t know I know who he is. There was a slight temptation to answer the first text because it was written in the most perfect way to make me want to reply. What I did instead, I went online and read whatever caught my eye about sociopaths for several hours. Every day when I had a sad thought about missing something from the past with sociopath, I read again. I read so much. It helped to have zero desire to answer his second text. But what it also did, it brought out fear and I began to question my face in humanity. I know how to deal with fear, but the faith in humanity was not a problem for me in the past, I have no tools how to restore it. I don’t even know if I want to restore it at the moment. If there is one sociopath in every 25 people, should I even go to the amount of trust I had before. Positivagirl, was your faith in humanity low after experience with sociopath?

  5. actually sociopaths can love. and care about other people i have mild Sociopathy. its just they rare they get very protective of the person, and wont hurt them. but its very few and far between when it happens. they tend to stick to family units too. and its not that we dont want to change its what we are. i lost ount of the people i have hurt before, and i hurt more than most people when a loved one dies, yes it mostly is upset for my loss not the person dying but it is still emotion. I had therapy and although it didnt do anything for my sociopathy, i now know what i am, and i avoid people so i dont hurt them, yes i still manipulate people if i get the chance, or when im bored, but i try to avoid those situations. some of the greatest war hero’s where socio[aths. that is what allowed them to send people to their deaths without having nervous breakdowns, in times of trouble we are needed and in times of peace we are scorned. we didnt ask to be like this.

    1. Well that is an interesting reply Me. The post you commented on is ‘can a sociopath change’ …. well you did therapy and didn’t change. So…. I guess the answer is no.

      As for people that you love, if you feel sad about someones death because of your own loss, not the death of the person, that isn’t really love, wouldn’t you agree?

      As for the connection to family, isn’t that because they love you unconditionally and therefore put up with your behaviour? No matter what?

      I am interested to know, who are your war heroes? I do agree, that you didn’t ask to be like this. But then, your victims didn’t ask to go through what they did either, this is your problem, not theirs. They, I think are therefore the true victims in this, not you. Wouldn’t you agree?

  6. Hi Positivagirl,

    You articles about Sociopaths have been a life saver for me ! I am so grateful of them..they have TRULY helped me out in this time of pain. I was with a sociopath for 13 months. Every description was him to a T! I wish there was a support group in my area. I am so tramatized by this all…i ask myself who I am daily to of let someone like him into my life, home, and around my children. Like Nica said I have lost faith and trust in all men. How can I ever believe a word one men say again? My ex started dating someone 4 months after me. She was 4 hours away and he kept her off his facebook. He was only caught because he added her before he left the country (he is milatary) and I noticed him hiding post from me and took off evidence of us down off his page. So I got the courage up and contacted her. He told her all the same things he told me. His apology was more like I am sorry i did this but this is how I always been..and I told you not to contact her..LIKE IT WAS MY FAULT! He has NO REGARD for anyone’s feelings but his own..everything began to fall into place and make sense after reading your articles.

    1. Hi Maria, Thank you for your comment, and welcome to the site. It is very painful at first when the truth comes out. This is no reflection on you, and there was nothing that you could have done to change a thing. I know that the pain of discard is painful, unfortunately nothing you could say to his next victim would change a thing. Can you remember when you were in the relationship? When things were good, and you didn’t want to believe those red flags so you chose to ignore them and believe the sociopath instead? It is like that…. no matter what you say he would have made you out to be the crazy one – and in his own mind he would likely believe that it was all your fault…. even though – it isn’t. But believe me, he will do the same to her as he did to you. You are now free… take one day at a time.

  7. This article could not be more true. 2 days ago I finally ended my relationship with my fiancé who is a sociopath. He used me & drained me emotionally, mentally, physically & financially. He is addicted to hookup dating sites and cheated on me with what I’m guessing to be is dozens of women in a year & half. He gave me chlamydia & thank god that can be cured with one pill…it could have been much worse. He met me when I was in a very low point in my life & took advantage of that. When I first found out about one of his affairs he promised it would never happen again and that he needed help and counseling. So we went to counseling, together & individually. He would come back and report to me that his counselor told him it was my fault he had cheated. I was devastated. I have been depressed, suicidal & suffered from severe anxiety for the last 7 months of my life because of this ba*****. I finally had my proof 2 days ago that he was cheating again. I will say I could write a book about the disgusting things he did and lied to me about…but just one story: I had surgery in January for skin cancer. I’m 25 and it was terrifying. I found emails on his account with pictures of his penis to other women dated back to the same day I had surgery. Such a low life. Praise god I’m out of that relationship! You can not change a sociopath.

    1. Hi heather, thank you for the comments. Welcome to the site. Sounds like you have been through quite some experience. I hope that you find some understanding here. Do you have support for you?

      1. Hi, yes I have been. I’ve got to be honest, yesterday morning I woke up crying. And within moments I realized I wasn’t crying for the loss of my fiancé, I was crying out of relief that the nightmare was over! Thankfully I’ve got a great support system of friends & family (who have all vowed to kill me before letting me even think of returning to the ex haha). I also am continuing to see my mentor/counselor once a week. On top of that I joined two small groups through church over the last week. One is a blended group of couples & singles. The other is a womens only group. I believe both will help me through all I’m going through. I’m blessed to have such great support.

  8. As a sociopath myself i feel a lot of negative vibe here. Can you be in a lasting enjouable with me. Yes. I recently found out about my so called condition. No I don’t feel compassion for others No I can’t relate or feel things from songs. How ever I can understand all the emotions and know how they work. Its not that I want to copy these emotions. Its only the fact that I have to. How else can I relate to society. Think of it this way… you say good morning, how are you doing/feeling. You do so to be nice or show you care, but don’t really mean it. Thats how I feel about everything. Its like a game of chess. Only down side is I myself cannot tell the difference from a bad person or good persons. When I say bad good I mean personality wise. If it they look like a bad person or I see them doing bad stuff of course I know they are bad. Other words I’m not a good judge of characters. But I don’t cheat and lie. I tell the truth as I saw it or I might leave stuffout if not question about it.

    1. Hey Vincent. Do you really believe that you are a sociopath if you don’t lie or deceive? And you aren’t a good judge of character? Sociopaths can read people very well (not held back by emotions so can read cues others who do have emotions cant see). I thought that all sociopaths were devious manipulative and deceptive. Do you really think that you are a sociopath? (I mean what you believe from what you read? Can you associate with it?)

    2. From your perspective, if you don’t relate to or feel things from songs, for example, how do you feel about sex? Logically, since sex is essentially friction, it would seem one partner would be as good as another, if no emotional connection. Or, do you have degrees of “like” for individuals that influence that aspect? Some other measurement (usefulness to your purposes?)

  9. I read this… And I truly wish this wasn’t real. I sit here wishing I can change my girl. Apparently the only thing changing was me. I became lost, I’ve isolated myself from my friends and family. I feel as though I don’t know what to do! My girlfriend has disrespected my family, and I’ve sat quietly by, defending her actions over and over again. I feel like a fool, but also feel like I can love her unconditionally. I feel as though her and I can move away get our own place and live happily, but I know deep down inside, it is just a nightmare waiting to happen. She’s gotten me so entangled in her web that I feel if I try to break free, my world will end. It hurts me so much that I’ve spent so much of my time with her just to now notice she’s a sociopath. I’m not even sure what to do… I don’t want to lose her…but if I don’t lose her, I’ll lose myself.

    1. Hi tony welcome to the site. It is good that you are seeing the truth. You are realising that the option is you and her to the exclusion of all others including family and friends all the people that make you you. Or to leave her and be yourself. The truth is if you moved away it would be worse. You would not be able to make new friends. No one person can fulfill all of your needs. Nobody can do that. To be whole as people we need other people. Your friends and family are part of you…. Somebody who is right for you would fit into the whole of your life they won’t want to take you away from it.

      1. Tony,
        As I was reading your message, my heart just aches for you. You are where I was with my sociopath ex fiancé before I left him over 2 months ago! (See my message from August 26, 2013). I can tell you with these people, it never gets better. For a year & half I waited for things to get better but they never did. I instead isolated myself away from loved ones & continued to defend & make excuses for why my ex is the way he is. I always said when we could afford it, we would move far away & the issues would stop…which is such a lie. I thought the only way it would end up if I tried to leave would be in my own suicide. I didn’t think I could live without him. I became dependent on a mentally ill man. But here I am, 2 months later & with pure genuine joy and peace in my heart, I can tell you that I’m FREE and no longer kept in bondage & life has moved on & moved forward! It was not the death of me that I thought it would but instead, it gave me new life!!! I forced myself to get out of my comfort zone & have gotten involved in a local gym & fitness classes where I’m discovering my mental & physical strengths and also at a church where I’ve found support & some great new friends who are so positive…my life has forever been changed because I left my sociopathic ex. Dig deep & find the courage to stand up & do the right thing for you. You sound like you know what you need to do. Hoping all the best for you.

  10. I have recently ended a 10 month relationship with what I believe is a sociopath. I had no idea what I was dealing with…..whirlwind romance, declaration of love after 2 days (?!) which I found odd, but ignored. Wonderful, fun-filled times together – he couldn’t get enough of me for the first 3 months. The I felt a distance…a gut feeling told me there was someone else, and sure enough he was online on the dating site where we met, using an alias. When confronted he completely denied it; even swore on his daughter’s future! After several nights of denial, I finally told him I no longer wanted to see him and the day after received an email confessing he had gone back online, saying how wrong he was but he realized he’d now lost the only woman he ever loved. Stupidly I fell for it, ignored my principles and boundaries and let him back in. From that point, however, the trust was gone and despite trying so very hard, I could never get past it. While we were together (we live in separate towns, not far from each other) we got on fantastically well, but when we were apart I felt he was distant. I used to say so and he’d accuse me of being distant, not inviting him over and of seeing somebody behind his back. I most certainly wasn’t and couldn’t understand why he was accusing me of this.Meeting times were always on his terms-he used his kids (he’s a divorcee) as an excuse for not being able to set a day aside a day or evening in the week for me. We broke up several times but somehow I always missed him and would get back in touch. I took him home in the summer to meet my family (paid for his flight and most of the holiday). It was during this that he surprised me one morning by knowing the password to my mobile phone. I was amazed. He then dropped the bombshell that he had put spyware on my mobile several months earlier and had been reading all my texts, emails, listening to calls, logging numbers, had tracked my whereabouts with gps and had actually taken over my phone at one point to make a call as he had no credit. I felt sick. When he saw my reaction, he said he was only joking, but I know he wasn’t, and anyway, what kind of person would ‘joke’ about something like that? He boasted he had studied computer hacking too. He told me he visited my flat while I was at work one day (I never gave him a key but it’s possible he talked the watchman in to letting him in.) Again, he said that was a joke too. But joke or not, it plants a seed of fear, which is what I guess he wanted. I have nothing to hide, but it still put me on edge. He talked frequently of marriage. For months since I found out he was cheating, my gut told me to get out, but my heart was on a different page. Finally, three weeks ago, I told him enough and that I wasn’t happy in the relationship. I told him I couldn’t trust him and there was no point in continuing. Since then he’s posted pleas on FB with song links saying we were the perfect couple and what happened. He sent texts. I didn’t respond to any of it. As I was driving out of my flat at the weekend, I spotted his car and my stomach churned. He approached me with a huge bouquet of roses and declared his undying love for me and how I had changed his life (I have no doubt I did in certain areas.) He even asked me not to move apartment as he needed to know I’d always be there! I am moving in a few weeks, but didn’t tell him of course….just wonder if he has somehow got wind of it. However, he finished by saying, even if you move, I know you work at XXXX! My move will be done secretly and I just pray he doesn’t find out when or where. Ladies if any of you have tried to escape quietly, can I ask will he leave me alone or will he try to find where I live? I am absolutely maintaining no contact and trying to move on. I have a dear friend to thank for suggesting I may be dealing with a narcissist/sociopath, which is what got me to this point. It’s been an eye-opener and a huge learning curve, but I’m glad I got out before he did too much damage. This site has been truly helpful- so many great women with a similar story to tell, and in so doing helping others to understand and heal. Bless you all.

  11. Thank you, thank you, thank you for this site. Wow, reading this makes me want to cry (okay I am crying). I have been trapped in a life with my sociopath for about 25 years. I consider myself a fairly intelligent human being – I knew something was not right with him, but I didn’t know what. Usually he is so charming with other people (not me though), has a great sense of humour and is the life of a party – everyone loves him! It makes you feel like there is something wrong or unlovable with you and makes you crazy!

    I didn’t know what a sociopath was until last night when I found this site (among many). I saw something on Facebook and it made me look up the definition … it was then that I had that “aha moment”. Everything I had been living the past 25 years suddenly made sense to me.

    I am 54, have 3 kids 18 and up, and work for my husband. I have told him I’m leaving him, but want things to stay normal until our youngest is done high school (end of 2014). What’s interesting is that I haven’t slept with him for about 12 years – it was my way of detaching emotionally from him and breaking the strong sexual chemistry I had for him, protecting my heart, and keeping some sense of self. I realized about a week ago that he really wasn’t going to change – I feel so stupid for being so slow at figuring this out :( Now to orchestrate my way out with minimal damages. I have a year to do it, wish me luck!

    1. Hi and welcome to the site. You know you deserve a bravery award for staying in the relationship for 25 years!

      If he is a sociopath, and you leave, and he doesn’t want you to, be aware that he will do everything that he can to ruin and destroy you. Whatever you have left of your life.

      Welcome to the site. I hope that you receive good support here.

  12. I have finally realized I am married to a sociopath. I have been emotionally, psychologically, and of recent physically abused by my husband. As a Christian I have clung to my vows….I am learning that I need to leave soon. My children deserve better. I am scared. This man has verbally threatened to kill me if I get between him and the kids. He has made comments that he doesn’t understand suicide but can understand taking the entire family out. He is active duty army. I do not want to ruin his career but I want to leave. I have been planning for years to leave but I am so stuck. I feel sorry for him. He has no family. Parents are dead. Estranged from siblings. I need support. This is scary.

    1. Hi blueeyegal, the thing that lept out to me from your comment was

      He has threatened to kill you
      You do not want to ruin his career
      You are stuck
      You feel sorry for him
      He has no family, parents, siblings….

      First of all you have support from all of us here. This site is a wonderful community of support. I can honestly say this. Sometimes when I am not well, I cannot post (this is my site) commentors always offer warmth and support, and fantastic advice. You are not alone. I know that this is scary. He thrives on making you scared.

      I want you to remember this

      He manipulates using (fake) love
      He uses fear to control you
      He makes you feel sorry for him by playing victim

      I want you to think of YOU and YOUR children. If he has threatened to kill you, please take this threat seriously. Do you have anyone in your life who you trust who can support you? (Or has he isolated you from everyone?)

      You need to make a plan to escape, but this needs to be done in the right way. If he is violent, you need to know that violence WILL escalate if he thinks that you are making plans to leave him. Please call a domestic violence helpline for your area, I don’t know where you are, but if you google you should find a number. The people that work there, should hopefully allocate a worker for you. Try to be discrete, so that he does not know what you are doing or that you are planning to leave.

      While it might seem like a big jump and a scary thing to do, you CAN do this….. and you are not alone. Even if it is just us here, we will support you. I promise that you can do this, and this can get better. Once I was so broken, I didn’t know how I would ever pick myself up off of the floor. I was so scared and felt so isolated and so alone. I couldn’t even face myself in the mirror I had been so psychologically abused. Today I write this site.

      It might feel like the last place in the world that you want to go, to go to domestic violence shelter…. but…. if you have nowhere else that you can safely go to, it might actually save your life. Will give you and your children an opportunity for a fresh start so that you can be safe. Please stay with us, and keep posting. if you post your story on ‘my story and tell your story’ more members will see the post and will support you. You can also email me at datingasociopath@hotmail.co.uk – please think of your safety. You and your safety and welfare and that of your children comes above his needs and the fact that his career might be ruined or he has nobody else, he has created this, not you. He is at fault, not you. I am sure that he also used your religion to keep you tied to him? It can take time, and it can be a scary process to go through….. but….. you could also start to see the sunshine, after living life under a fog of rain and misery and fear. It is time to love you, and love yourself.

  13. I have been married to a Sociopath for 4 years, in the relationship for 7. We had dated long distance while in college, so not only could I not observe the bad behaviors that were masked the 3 days a month we saw each other, but any suspect behaviors with drugs, infidelity etc. I just attributed to typical college behavior that would die out. He was also diagnosed with depression, adhd, and others, so for a few years it was easier to have sympathy and patience since those diseases can be managed.

    Since he has moved in, he has gotten worse and worse. Unable to hold jobs, from Web Cam sex sites to dating sites, hidden credit cards, addiction to drugs, claiming he is a premier drug dealer to the elite in our area, disappearing for a day or two to play video games, claiming he has diseases like brain lesions, etc. He is a perpetual liar but horrible at lying in the sense that I always catch him. He finally crossed the line last week when I logged into his email and found some pictures he had taken of my 12 year old daughter sleeping in her panties and a tank top. The cops won’t do anything because they said I might have taken the photos to get him I trouble, and that it is actually illegal for me to log into his online sites. So much for support and justice.

    He has seen tons of therapists but always found reasons (lies) to quit, and apparently when he did go would only talk about his traumatic childhood rather than all of his destructive behavior. . After the pictures, I demanded that we go to a therapist together to ensure the whole truth was told. He tried to water down or justify actions and of course blame me: the pictures aren’t pedophila because my daughter is an adolescent. The dealing drugs was to help me work less so I could be happy, how dare I intwrfere. The marijuana and video games are his medicine, blah blah. The lies and stories he makes up are insane. How dare i call his work to verify he actually went to work-i am always “salting the earth” to torment him. On the dating site, he was telling women various grandiose stories–he’s an off Broadway producer, he’s a bikram yoga teacher, etc. I can see how he duped me with the same charm. He knew i was all about creativity, intimacy, and being charitable. For the 4 years of dating, he made me personalized gifts fro scratch on a weekly basis, the sex was all I could fantasize and more, and he did all types of community service and talked about his plan to offer pro bono therapy to troubled teens once he earned his psychiatry degree. Little did I know he was barely passing classes and that the sex would turn into 2 minute stints twice a year once he moved in. And all gifts gone too because he now forgets all holidays and our days.

    We have an 8 month old baby together and I’m terrified because I’ve read aspd is genetic. For women posting here who were married and had kids with the sociopath, how are the kids today? My little guy is so sweet and innocent. He has already been exposed to our yelling and my anxiety. I can’t take another day of my kids hurting.

    My oldest two despise him and want him out of our lives permanently. He had been sleeping in our car but it’s freezing now and supposedly all the shelters are full, so I’ve been letting him stay in the back room. Every day I just pray I get to move or that he commits suicide (as he often talks about doing when I kick him out). He says he will go into the military to get his act together, but I don’t see how he can pass the drug test or keep passing them. I feel we will never be rid of him. I want and need to know my little boy will be safe and happy.

    He of course uses his usual script of how he wants to get help, there’s no point living if it’s not with us, he can never be with another woman, our safety is all that matters, etc. But once the urge comes–as it did yesterday when he lied that he had to work on a public holiday so that he could ‘escape’ and play video games all day–he has no hesitation to do it. Remorse and shame afterwards perhaps, but no foresight or control. I think he does regret being sick–from what I’ve read, there.is a spectrum from zero to some empathy, and emotional lability to true emotions. I don’t think he can change though since impulse control is too hard for him.

    Any feedback is greatly appreciated.

  14. Why do I lack empathy for other people and never feel bad for wrong doing, even though I’m not a sociopath? Example: if I see something on the News that’s tragic, I don’t feel sorry for the person or anything, I simply don’t care and get bored of hearing it – where as I’ve noticed that people around me will often talk in length about what other people go through, saying how awful it is etc — I can’t feel like that, I literally just don’t care whatsoever – I’m completely apathetic towards people’s misfortunes, and same if I’ve hurt someone, if that ever happens I just consider it as a “necessary evil” to get something.

    However, on the flip side I do worry about my own consequences which I cannot control (example prison) – hence I don’t kill or use violence, I’m also very good at planning ahead; I don’t get bored all the time like sociopath’s do and I can cope quite happily on my own when I don’t need people, whereas sociopaths, based on what I’ve read, can’t ever be alone and hate it.

    Are there “levels” of sociopathy or is it just that some people have similarities with them, but are not? My ex girlfriend in an argument once called me a “heartless psychopath”, but other than that, all I’ve got to go on is what I’ve been reading online – and it got me thinking.

    1. Hi Adam, yes there are varying degrees of sociopathy. Just as everyone in the population everyone is different. A lot of sociopaths do share common traits, but not all of them (like for example, many are unfaithful) but I have dated ones that were not unfaithful. The parts that do leap out to me that you say are you are

      - Lack of empathy
      - You get bored hearing about other people (this is an indication of a low tolerance threshold for boredom)
      - If you hurt someone you just see it as a necessary evil to get something (you use people)
      - You view life as to how it affects you, and the consequences for yourself
      - You likely don’t get bored as you keep your brain active and occupied
      - Not all sociopaths are violent. Many sociopaths are not violent at all, and not even agressive (unless they feel they are losing control and then they rage and threaten)

      Someone can have sociopathic tendencies….

  15. I think I’m dating a sociopath and I don’t know how to get out. We’ve been dating for almost two years. He’s abusive, an alcoholic, and a compulsive liar. Of course I had signs early on, but I ignored them because I wanted to believe things would get better. He is good at making me feel sorry for him. He lies on a daily basis and had starting cheating on me… Of course somehow that’s my fault too! I can’t do anything right and he’s constantly yelling and belittling me. He needs constant attention, he talks incessantly, and has no regard for my feelings. He also has no tolerance for listening to me. Our conversations are completely one sided. They aren’t even really conversations, it’s more like he just wants to hear himself talk and wants me there to listen. I just feel like I’m living in constant chaos and it’s starting to effect my physical health. I wish I could realize that he won’t change and finally get him out of my life.

  16. Hi, great post. Certainly helps to put things in perspective. I am in a difficult situation myself. I have recently come to the realisation that my ex from a year ago, is in fact a sociopath. The problem for me is that she was not only the most wonderful person I had ever met, but also attached herself to my family. In our 14 month relationship she became part of the family. As for myself, it was my first serious relationship, my first love if you like. I am 23, have always been shy, but I am also very athletic and tend to get a lot of attention from girls(who claim I look like Ryan bloody Gosling, which I understand is the biggest compliment I can get ha). I was always so focussed on my sport that I never knew how to talk to girls until I met my ex. She was so bubbly, probably the smartest girl I have ever known and ultimately she made me feel so loved and special. She simply would not leave me alone and I found myself becoming attached to her more and more each day. For 12 months things were great. She was practically living with me, we had a brilliant group of friends and I was happy. As for my ex her background was different. She was an only adopted child, born out of an affair, never met her real parents and had really nice adopted parents. She was studying here in the UK after leaving the US, (running away from problems) and when she met me she had recently just split from her current boyfriend. The signs were there, I just could not see them behind her amazing character and personality. So after 12 months she ends up having an abortion. It was hard but we went through it together, I supported her decision as it was unplanned and unexpected. I felt I had to be strong for her. A month later, she vanished out of the blue. She said she needed space etc. It was not me, it was her etc. I was devastated but had hope it would work out. She gradually stopped contact, bit by bit. And a month later she was gone and I was left alone. She continued to party and hang out with mutual friends while I struggled to move on and accept what had happened. Then within 2 months, she had a new boyfriend. I could not believe it. He was not her type, from things I had heard he was a bit of a vile character, and since meeting him I can confirm this. I forced myself to move on, I kept blaming the abortion and seeing that as the reason why she did this. Then eventually, all the truth came out, she had cheated on me, lied and been a coward and simply screwed me over to put it bluntly. Then I found out the extent to which she had slept around. It was horrifying. One bit of comfort was that she cheated on me just once, then 3 days later is when she called for a break, the guy was a 30 year old womaniser as well and also claimed to be my friend. I forced myself to continue to blame the abortion for her irrational behaviour. This included unpaid parking fines, neglecting close friends, and quitting uni for the second time (despite being a straight A student!)

    Now the situation is still messed up. Her current boyfriend pointed out these flaws to her and left her. She has crawled her way back into my life and is using my house as a base. I thought it was a chance for a fresh start, talking with her online and by text, it seemed like the old her, but as soon as she arrived last week I could see she was just taking advantage of my good nature. She told me ‘she does not want to hurt me again, I am the nicest guy she ever met, she deserves to be punished and that she is a broken person who no longer cares.’ She even diagnosed herself as a sociopath. Since she said this last week I have looked up the term and come to the realisation that she was telling the truth. I have been convinced I could help her and save her. I still love her despite these things, I can’t help it. She does not stay at the house. She has travelled to see her recent ex twice now, I assume because she was broken up with, she can’t take the fact that she has lost control. She made me feel so happy and loved and so attached to the wonderful person she used to be. I want to help her, but she acts totally indifferent again now that she is back. I even saw her making out with another guy second night back here. I don’t know what to do any more. I know what I should do I guess, but it is doing it which is the hardest part. I don’t want to lose her and am not ready to say goodbye.

    1. The person you are seeing now Sam, is sadly the real person. They can be charming and charismatic when they want to be – but there is something in their mind that flips – usually when they feel that they are losing control. It becomes an absolute nightmare :( I am sorry you are hurting

  17. Hey there.
    I stumbled across this site in hopes of seeking some unbiased 3rd party opinions, though it appears everyone here is adamant in saying there is no possibility of change and despite having previously been in a 2 year relationship with a narcissist myself and having the very same knowledge from experience I still find it exceedingly hard to take a more head less heart approach in my judgement, which is unusual; reason being that I myself do have a few distinct sociopathic tendencies, (I’m not claiming to be a sociopath, I’m only talking about the attributes associated with sociopathy) but I’ve never been able to understand exactly how it works considering most of my reactions are consistently inconsistent, usually falling at either end of the extremes. I am able to feel empathy (hear me out)… And it is genuine empathy, but only when another person is experiencing emotions or battling a situation i myself have experienced. This is the case a lot of the time because my unusual upbringing did allow for a broad range of painful emotional responses in which I believe a lot of people instinctively shut out from memory as a coping mechanism, and apparently I didn’t get the memo (still undecided whether that is a good or bad thing). Instead I think I retained the ability to non selectively channel out emotion with logic if I couldn’t genuinely empathise, but became more sensitive to others pain when I could directly relate. To clarify what i mean by more sensitive, I’m referring to my, again, non selective ability to actually feel the underlying emotion causing them distress overcome my mind and my body; worthlessness and helplessness were all too common, and the toll it took on my own capacity to process feelings became too overwhelming during early adolescence when I discovered a somewhat cynical outlook on how people reacted and despite simultaneously feeling sad and sympathetic of their situation I would subconsciously think to myself (even baring the knowledge of blinding those emotions can be to your sense of reality) that they should man up and push through because crying never helped anyone (even though I know most of the time if the roles were reversed I would probably be in a similar way). Then when I realised what I had just thought in that moment I would feel so horribly guilty that the guilt almost consumed my very essence of being.
    But all the while I maintained the ability to manipulate any person or situation in a meticulously planned manner in order to further myself, though it was never with malicious intent, i knew there were lines that shouldn’t be crossed and I kept behind them. Though I was aware of what I was doing, and I didn’t necessarily feel right or okay about doing it, I instinctually continue to manipulate and play on people’s weaknesses, but unlike what I gather from most people with sociopathic tendencies, i would consequently punish myself more harshly with my own guilt and shame than any other perceivable punishment. I can also read people very well, without a lot of effort, and I’ve found I can often pinpoint exactly how someone is feeling and the underlying reason even if it is something seemingly small and irrelevant because I can directly relate to the deep roots where the emotional thought processes originate from, and how those reactions can be initiated by even the slightest trigger that few else even consider, and I can understand the raw uncontrollable unreasonably emotion because whenever I felt those extreme emotions I would analyze what is was that triggered that reaction as a defence mechanism to protect myself from feeling that way again by recognizing the triggers and eliminating myself from situations with the potential for those triggers to arise, because I didn’t feel as though I was strong enough to carry those emotions despite my analysis allowing me to see the logical side which would hold the potential to dramatically reduce the emotional response. I can also be a fantastic liar when I want to be and sometimes forget lies that I have told because they tend to mould in with reality and occasionally I have a momentary lapse of reality and believe that they are true, when I evidently forget to compartmentalize reality from my fabrications (a lot of which were constructed in early childhood, often used as a method of gaining sympathy, validation or attention from others to compensate where it lacked); but surprisingly enough, the lies that weren’t constructed to seek sympathy were only a valid alternative for the truth when the purpose was to protect another’s feelings from being scorned unnecessarily, and to prevent inflicting inadequacy on anyone else.
    I feel as though I subconsciously jump from one extreme to the other in a vicious cycle, and its a rare occasion when my instinctual reaction falls somewhere in the realm of norm but when it does happen, I finally feel relief, however brief it may be.
    I’m hoping that gives you an idea of where my head is at so when I explain the dilemma I am having it may not be as confusing. And sorry for the ridiculously long post, soon to be longer, but I feel like there’s no point asking unless I cover all bases there’s no point asking for advice.
    My current situation is as follows:
    I’ve been with my boyfriend who’s 24, (I’m 19) for roughly 8 months. He is charming and charismatic, intelligent, funny, athletic, hugely popular amongst his friendship group, known for initiating confrontational interventions on behalf of the group (basically the one who will say what everyone is thinking regardless how harsh it may be) and has a smile that could weaken any heart. He took me by surprise when he came into my life as I was at a point where I was content being single and taking care of myself but there was this undeniable connection from the minute we met. Although it took a long time and I thought I was being careful, i somehow found myself with my guard down and my heart in his hands, and it felt an unfamiliar feeling which I’ve since determined g be love. So I’m in love with him. Id never felt so sure about anyone or anything before, and for the longest time I didn’t have a doubt in the world. I trusted him, and he gave me no reason not to, and I was in awe.
    since then the barrier has slightly lifted progressively over the past 3 months. He started letting his guard down, and I started noticing little things here and there that sparked red flags, such as canceling last minute, which progressed to disappearing for a day or two with no communication when we had made plans prior and no cancellation or explanation was offered. The first time it happened I was a little hurt and a bit confused as to how or why someone would handle that situation in the way that he did, or whether he even thought about my feelings when he was off doing god knows what, leaving me wondering what could have happened to him, worried and sad and helpless. Even though when he finally returned back to reality and called me appearing to be extremely sorry, offering me what felt inadequate yet still a reasonable excuse my gut would give me a bit of a kick, telling me to dig more, I decided to let it slide; after all I had no reason not to believe him. He explained he didn’t realise i would be worried or upset, why he would think that I couldn’t for the life of me even begin to understand, and so we had quite a lengthy discussion so i had the chance to thoroughly explain what it was about that situation that I didn’t like and why, but he was still admittingly confused, so I tried several other ways until I figured that whether he was thinking about it with his head or his heart there was no way anyone could possibly not understand it after I had laid it on the table as plain as day. After concluding that he had a slightly clearer understanding post conversation, i decided to let it go and move on, because we all make mistakes blah blah blah. This was until the following week when it happened again; flaking on plans and then suddenly uncontactable for a long period of time. I was even more distraught this time because it was only a week ago that I had explained that him doing that was really difficult to cope with. I spent almost 20 hours in limbo before finally receiving a message saying that he needed some time to himself because his life was falling to crap and that it had nothing to do with me or our relationship and assuring me he would call me later that evening. Now 9 out of 10 times I can totally understand the need for down time and I respect that wholeheartedly, and I complied with his wishes for as long as I could in anticipation of the promised phone call which never came. I felt hopeless, and stuck and not only was he unreachable, but my other friends seemed to all be too busy despite my countless efforts to put forward the seriousness of the circumstances (which included excessive amounts of prescription medication, alcohol, and various other methods of self medication) as I was going through an extraneous personal crisis more emotionally distressing than any I had encountered and for the first time felt my independence and control over my own life being ripped from my hands, which I found to be so overwhelmingly that I felt my only option was to seek solace in the only person who made me feel safe. I sent a multitude of messages, and called persistently with no luck. I sent him messages and left voicemails expressing the urgency of the situation, and I was quite evidently distraught. A stunt of this extremity is a very uncharacteristic thing for me to do as I never usually accept help, let alone ask for it. I assumed being as close as I thought we were; that he would know that it must have been important if I was calling that much, especially as I was uncontrollably crying for the majority of the voice messages. I couldn’t help but see that on his facebook it said he was active on Facebook mobile, leading me to assume that he had his phone and he must have read the messages and still chose to ignore me, which only hurt me more to think he knew how much pain I was in but didn’t care.
    Now might be a good time to throw in that both he and I have previously had history with crystal meth use in the past, but as far as I knew he had kicked the habit and taken control of his life again and I the same. But having been exposed to all sorts of people and seeing the affects this type of drug can have on people I couldn’t help but notice the fact that although having not replied to my messages for close to 30 hours (in which time I attempted to overdose, but was interrupted by a concerned friend, whole nother story) he had been active on Facebook all night, which had been more common in the past couple of weeks and I came to the paranoid conclusion that he was probably on a meth binge and fell into a trance and due to the drugs he didn’t care to respond because he was too numb to recognize emotions. It wasn’t until 46 hours had passed that I received a phone call from him, apologizing profusely but struggling to understand the reason I was so upset. It became apparent then that he hadn’t seen or heard all of my cries for help, which I found to be a relief but the empty pain in my stomach remained. I was furious and hurt and didn’t refrain from making that known, but his response was to go into detail justifying his disappearance and how it was inevitable because his close friend was suicidal, which is the type of thing one would hope isn’t an extreme lie in order to save their own ass and though little facts here and there indicated it might have been; to this day I could neither confirm nor deny the truthfulness of that story, I chose to give him the benefit of the doubt again and after a lot of talking and crying I forgave him, with the clear warning that if he ever did that again I was not going to stick around to hear the end of it.
    And I tried, but no matter how I tried to keep justifying it to myself I couldn’t move past it because i found the recurring look of confusion in his eyes, even after hours of discussion a bit bizarre seeing as i had already had to resort to explaining my feelings and opinions in such simple terms even a child would understand and couldn’t fathom there being any different methods of explanation that I hadn’t tried.
    Despite the fact that he has been very open with me about his own sociopathic tendencies from day 1 (he never used that reference), it took some time for me to realise that they were indeed sociopathic tendencies not just unfamiliar emotions. When I began to make the link I started seeking to understand and did my research before later confronting him. His reaction was what I found truly perplexing though. He admitted he had seen a psychologist when he was 16, who had told him he had attributes that weren’t necessarily considered to be ‘normal’, and proceeded to tell me how he turned those meetings into into a game, manipulating the psychologists perception of him in order to be cleared as stable to get out of attending the sessions. There were plenty of stories that were similar, where he confessed to playing with people’s emotions for entertainment.
    I remembered then that I had accidentally recorded a video from when I was in that ‘state’ I was in a few days prior, and even though I experienced the intensity of the emotion at the time, the video managed to capture something that even made me feel something I hadn’t before felt. His reaction was nothing like I could have anticipated. I looked into his eyes and saw a pain that I don’t think he had felt before. It is extremely hard to describe the moment that followed, but I could feel a desperation from deep within him reaching out, almost like a desperation for humanity; to feel and to understand because he never wanted to inflict that pain again.
    I felt like that moment in conjunction with his self proclaimed will to one day understand and one day feel what I feel gave me a sense of purpose and passion that I hadn’t felt in years.
    But as if that wasn’t enough, further into the day after various moments of silence; both of us deep in thought, I found myself watching him allowing me into his head, confessing his fear of one day doing something that hurts someone so much without even being capable of realizing that what he was doing was wrong and having no control whatsoever because those qualities are a part of him. I could feel the vulnerability he felt in that moment; sitting there stripped down to the core with his most pent up fear now out in the open, in the palm of my hands, for me to do with what I like.
    You’d think that would be the perfect time to run away, right?
    Much like most of the people who’s posts I have read, I didn’t run away, well I won’t run away (present tense) because although I know that scientifically the odds are against me, and there is an extremely high chance I will get hurt and you don’t have to reiterate how hard it is to get past because believe me, I know; but I can’t shake the feeling that there is this light in him that is yearning to be let in and perhaps i could help him let that light in and save the humanity he still holds.
    Despite how incredibly long and most probably tedious that was to read, that’s basically a brief summary of where I’m at currently and I’d really like to hear some open minded opinions or advice because although I don’t think there’s much anyone could say to deter me from perusing this crusade, if anyone has any insight into someone who might have shown similar signs that could give me something to work with I appreciate any input.
    Thanks guys
    L

  18. I’m so happy I found this site, like many others here I also thought I was going crazy, until I discovered the father of my daughter is actually a sociopath. We have been separated for a year now , we were together for almost 7, have a child together and it truly is exhausting dealing with him at this point. I fear for my daughter because I read somewhere they can already have this in there genes and I know he will try to consume her with hate. Before I realized and researched this condition , I honestly thought he was possessed by satan or needed an exorcist , I was depressed I was so emotionally damaged and I could not understand how someone could do such horrible things to anyone. I kicked him out the house when I discovered he was cheating , he was disgusting n cold and brutal, as if he hated me, I’m not perfect but I was a good woman to him and the way he treated me was as if I was his biggest enemy. I would cry and he would just stare at me emotionless and cold. When I was delivering our child he was in the delivery room and I remember crying while in labor because he was so cold, I almost died giving birth and my daughter almost died as well and i remember he just was emotionless. I was devastated and I was severely depressed always I couldn’t understand why I deserved this and I stayed because I kept hoping he would change , I always knew he was a liar and a manipulator and he was horrible in ways that were mentally and emotionally cruel , he blamed me always and I accepted the blame and was constantly changing the way I spoke, who I spoke to and my personality completely changed. I became angry and we would fight constantly, he enjoyed watching me suffer. I thought once we had a daughter he would try harder to keep our family together but he got worse. When I kicked him out my daughter was 7 months old and I had my 6 year old from a previous relationship, I was a stay at home mom and my kids were my focus , money was tight but normal couples would have found solutions or worked through it, he refused to work things out, left me with all the bills and just didn’t care at all how me and the kids would survive. At that point I didn’t really care he met someone else I just couldn’t comprehend how a human could be so cold and not an ounce of empathy or remorse or concern even for his child. I thought he was so in love with this new person that he was just being an ass to impress her or prove something to her but deep inside I knew something was wrong with him. He made up stories about being mistreated in his childhood about how his mother abandoned him and sent him to haiti as a baby, and I felt empathetic and sympathy for him even though he was destroying me, I didn’t know once again he was manipulating me. He almost made me go crazy, he made me feel like I was the problem like I was delusional, for 7 years he tortured me emotionally and did things to my self esteem and mental state that i often wonder how I made it . He was brutal with his mind games, lying all the time even when he got caught. During my pregnancy his distance and coldness was clear, but I always thought I could change him. I loved him and he knew this , he milked it till the very end. He abused my kindness and broke my heart over and over and then would temporarily repair it and do it over and over again. It wasn’t his infidelity that hurt me , it was the horrifying lies and mind games that almost drove me nuts. I remember I was so hurt that he didn’t comeback after I kicked him out , and scared because I had no income and 2 kids to support and had to move back with my parents, he didn’t care and the more he behaved like he didn’t care the more I became depressed. I left my kids with my mother and locked myself in my apartment and had a nervous breakdown , I shut myself off from everyone for 2 days and I literally cried for 2 days, I was distraught and confused. After everything he had put me through and the way I stood by his side and was faithful, I needed help, I almost committed myself to a mental institution because I was emotionally beaten, I didn’t because i thought of my kids. I eventually moved back to my parents because I was going to be evicted for not paying rent and I couldn’t find a job fast enough to even try to pay it. When I did move out he pretended for one day to actually have emotions and pretended he never ment for it to happen this way but by day 2 he was just fine. He has multiple personalities and he’s a charmer and he is a very good actor in front of people or tries to be. I was always curious why he hated going to family functions or to parties with my friends, and now I know the reason is because , he knew I was I love with him and he had me fooled but it would be much harder to convince or act infront of my loved ones because he knew they were observing him or would calculate his every move in order to make sure he was a good guy. He’s a horrible person and maybe if I was remotely even close to being like him I wouldn’t think much of how horrible he is but I’m genuinely a good person I try not to hurt people and if I do it’s a mistake and I try never to do it again. He claims we bring out the worse in each other , but I know now he was the poison not me. It feels so good to know the truth about him and it’s scary because we have a daughter together and he uses her to continue playing mind games, and because I’m human he succeeds in dragging me into his miserable ways, and I react exactly like he planned, I have done my research now and as much as it hurt to admit I was sleeping with a sociopath every night not knowing it, I now feel relief because there was nothing I could have done to save our relationship and now I no longer dwell on being a family or that he has moved on. My struggle isn’t over because we share a child, and he is irresponsible and spiteful, and still tries to manipulate me and scare me but I’m doing research and learning about his illness and I keep my distance as much as possible and pray he disappears. I feel pity for the woman he’s with now because she has no clue the monster she’s dealing with ,he not ur typical asshole guy he’s actually a sociopath and she’s his new victim. If anyone knows ways for me to continue co parenting with him , please give me some insight on how to deal with it. My advice to people that have walked away without children with a sociopath is be thankful you dodged a bullet and don’t look back, I wish love hadn’t been so blind but all the red flags were there I just refused to see them, or really thought I could help him. But now I know he’s unfixable. You can’t make someone have a conscience or a heart. He loves no one but himself, he doesn’t even love his daughter and one day she will see it herself and this is her story. I’m now rebuilding my life brick by brick at a very slow pace but each day I get better and stronger and wiser, he’s a part of my life that I wish I could erase but I can’t, I used to reminisce about our very few happy moments and that’s what kept my wounds exposed and vulnerable to him , but now I look back and I know it was all phony and fake and somehow those memories no longer affect me. I managed to escape him , and at that time I thought us breaking up was the end of the world , now I see it as a blessing in disguise, I will never ever ever fall for his sob stories or entertain his tales and webs of lies and painful sadistic comments, he could beg til his knees bleed out and I will never go back to him nor forgive him. I notice when he gets no reaction from me he pokes and pokes until he finds a weak spot to hurt me , I know that will never stop but I can ignore him now because I know he’s never going to change. My goal is to eliminate all personal conversations and not let him get inside my brain ever again. I don’t hate him but he’s someone I want far from me. Thank you for reading my story. Ps if u feel in ur gut something is wrong, it is, so walk away and don’t let it get any further. I wish someone had warned me, I’m sure they did I just didn’t listen.

    1. Hi welcome to the site. I don’t know if that is true that he would try to consume your daughter with hate? I understand how that feels to have a difficult birth and you and your child almost die and he is emotionless that empty blank stare. This happened to me too, only our daughter did die. He left days later as If nothing had happened. He was dead and empty inside. Even slept in the bed next to her cot…. As if that was perfectly normal. Abuse often escalates in pregnancy and then when you are tied to them with a child. They have you captured. I understand all that you say. Not just from one relationship but from 3 in a row. Yes I too really relate about the reluctance to be with other people as they might see through the facade. But also… It is a way to isolate you from people. So that he had full control over you. Thank you for sharing your story. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I have been there too.

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