Aside from the stalking, bombardment of communication, and lies about you, as well as other losses, one of the most difficult things to come to terms with at the end of the relationship with a sociopath, is grieving the loss of the person that you thought they were.
A sociopath throughout the relationship, has lived a life of deceit. of manipulating you into thinking that they were someone that they were not.
At the end of the relationship, you can feel such a sense of loss, as you realise that person that you were with, didn’t even exist. It was all a fake, all a lie. You had been manipulated, conned, and deceived.
It is quite common to want back the man who you thought you were in love with. Unlike other abusers with other personality disorders, the sociopath is often openly helpful, and to your face can appear kind (that is until he loses control of anything and the narcissist rage occurs).
You struggle within yourself, how can this be? You long for the support of the loving supportive man, but he doesn’t exist anymore.
This, can be absolutely devastating. With a normal break up, you know what you are breaking up with. You know that you have rowed, and maybe the relationship had came to an end. But the ending with the sociopath is entirely different. For a number of reasons
- Your mind has been played with, you have been lied to deceived
- The person you were in love with does not really exist
- You likely are suffering other losses and humiliation
- The relationship with the sociopath does not end painlessly
- It makes you question everything? Was anything true?
You might try to reach out to the sociopath to take away this pain. He will either
- Ignore you
- Play further games
- Deflect and blame everything onto you, it was all your fault and all your shortcomings
The only thing that can help with this, is time. With understanding and knowledge. By reading everything that you can, and understanding everything that you can. Knowledge is power.
Realising that the person behind the mask is different to the man that you thought you were in love with, is alarming and confusing. More than likely you suspected that this was the case for a while, when things didn’t add up, and you were lied to further, and manipulated some more.
At the end of the relationship with the sociopath, you grieve not only the end of the relationship, but also realising that the man you were in love with, never even existed.
It’s as heartbreaking as discovering that Santa is not real as a kid….. once you know…. there is nothing you can ever do to change the truth. The man that you were in love with, just like Santa, can never be real again. It was all just an illusion.
Words © datingasociopath.com
I am currently writing a huge blog about my ex sociopath and the things I learned about myself while dealing with that hell. It was crazy and he definitely falls under the criteria you listed above.
Ah you too!! How funny i found your blog thats a coincidence! Where is your blog about it? I would like to read it.
It is crazy they play with your mind as well, so you do feel like your head has been in a washing machine.
The only up point is that they will still stay crazy – hence that is why with my work…. it did cost me my job, thousands of pounds, well literally my entire life.
I haven’t finished it yet. It has been hard, but you have given me inspiration to finish. It is a hard story to write. That time in my life can only be described as unreal, almost like I was in another reality. Just when you think that you could be at your lowest point, or that the cards are stacked against you, this will be your turning point. With further spiritual enlightenment, your priorities change and so will your tastes and things you are willing to put up with. I look at these things as necessary building blocks. Very hurtful and emotional building blocks. A wise person one said, “This too shall pass.” And it shall. And you will look back thankful for all the heartache and tears.
P.S. I don’t believe in coincidences. I am glad you are here so that we can learn from each other.
I am glad you are here too!! It is nice to meet you!!
I am so angry at myself to allow a I thought was a player in my life but now realize he is a sociopath. I have no words other than hurt not for me but for him because he will never be able to love. I might change my mind in a couple months but i’ve been crying all night off and on.
Aw KJ, are you sure that he is a sociopath? I am sorry to read that you are hurt and upset!!
I remember when I realised that the person I was with, was a sociopath. I read this article http://www.dontdatehimgirl.com/article_view/beauty/are-you-dating-a-sociopath-recognize-the-warning-signs-308.html I had been trying to understand why he was lying. The compulsive pathological lying. It turned up sociopath, and from there I read that article and it was him to a T, the lying, deception, not caring when he hurt me, the crazy things he did, predatory stare, he ticked all the boxes, absolutely. I am sorry that you are upset. I found the shock and realisation so difficult to come to terms with – we stayed friends for 9 months afterwards. Even today, I can still see good points in him. Definitely a sociopath who caused carnage in my life, but he had good points too. That’s what makes it confusing. they can be great company, funny charismatic. Lots of fun to be around. Energetic. The realisation that this was permanent that he couldn’t love the same way as me. Really did hit me hard at the time x
Fyi-That link take me to a bunch of other links..
I’ve being a lot of research and it fits him to the T. The only thing is he never moved in with me but would stay for days at a time.
One day I got mad at him for something and he told me that his name wasn’t his name that he have me.. . I know people that i had look his plates and his DL up.. He is who originally said he was.. He told tell me he had a daughter then told me I doesn’t have one.. He told me I made him cry now I know that was a lie.. .
he would have me hold him and run my fingers through his hair when we layed in bed
During a fight, I texted him that I knew that he had been abandoned just because of that..
He immediately texted me and told me that he can’t believe all the stuff he has been doing to me and that he loved me and was crying but 2 min later he told me I was crazy to loose his number.. . Ugh!! He drives me nuts.. I really like that false person but hate he lied.. He is sweet, good looking and fun when he wants to be..
You and the websites I visited described him to a T. He was abondoned by his parents at 3 years old. I wouldn’t let him control me so he ended it. Im not a weak person . I’ve been through a lot and wont let anyone control me. ” my husband died 4 yrs ago and almost died 2 yrs before that”.
. Just in the little time I was with him was enough for me to learn about their crazy world & hurt enough that all I think about is him. I fell in love with him for sure…. I’m just glad he pushed me away.
Thing is though, that they can push you away, and then come back again as if nothing has happened. If he has really gone, thank your lucky stars, and run.
Also, I do understand that feeling of it happening at a time when you were weaker than you normally would be. This happened to me too, also at a time when I was grieving and suffering from trauma – twice!!
The way you described it is spot on.. now it just makes it that much harder to open up – let alone trust – anyone that tries to come into my life… Any thoughts on how to overcome that?
I am the same way. I would say not to rush into anything. If you are still feeling like you cannot trust. You are not healed properly yet.
And if you try to date without healing properly you do risk meet another (I did) …. unbelievable, and the next was 100% con man who wiped my bank accounts.
I think when you are ready to be with someone, is when you actually do not want or need to be with anyone at all. When your own life is so amazing you wonder if you could fit anyone in…..
And then when you meet someone, well if they are bad news it is going to take quite a while to take your world down!!
I am soooo glad I found this! Ive been struggling for 2 months since ending my relationship with a sociopath.
Hi Sb, thank you for your kind comment!! How long were you with him for?
I was with him for a year and a half, the last 6 months particularly rough but there were signs.in the beginning. I hung in there because I wanted it so bad but I knew in the I was just the girl in between “real” relationships. Idk if he’s involvedwith anyone else but I assume so because this time unlike the others he hasn’t contacted me. He asked to remain friends but had never
Called or texted. Im sure im better off
I am sure that you are too!! (Better off)…. although – don’t be surprised if he shows back up.
In my experience, if he hasn’t been ruining and destroying your life at the end, and he said that he wanted to stay friends, the chances are that he will show back up in your life. If a sociopath stays friends with you, he does it for a reason!!
Usually anyway…
Good to know. Mine said he wanted me to loose his number.. WOOHOO!
Yeah they say that!…. and say that they have deleted yours too.
You might be lucky though, if so, woo hoo indeed!!
Its been 7 weeks of nothing, no calls, no texts nada. Do u think he really is finished? Im just so confused one minute he wants all my time and cries hes “feels rejected” if I want to stay home one night by myself but the next wanting me to go do my own thing. If even complained that I used to tell him he was good looking or hot too much. Dear gawd it was a constant mind game
Well you have done really well to survive 7 weeks without him. Did you contact him at all during those 7 weeks? As that can make things worse if you do…. for you, and delay healing.
It is so tough the way that that they just ‘discard’ leaving you feeling worthless… Or at least, that is how it made me feel anyway. Like i didn’t even deserve the time of day.
This next stage requires work, and effort, and that can be hard when your heart is aching. if you make the effort NOT to contact him, and also if he pops in your head, try immediately to think of something else.
Also – write three lists.
1. All the reasons why he was good for you
2. All the reasons why you are better off without him
3. Set some short term goals write a list for those too….
Start to do the things on your third list. If you find yourself having a hard time, go back and read the second list!!
oh no I am far too strong-willed to contact him. When he went AWOL fur three days and on the 4th had the audacity to text me saying “hi” that was the straw that broke the camels back! I rapidly packed whatever crap he had at my house and told him to come get it by the end of that day. He of course said things like “well I know u don’t care you never texted me, I could’ve been dying in the hospital” trying to make me feel bad when the last time we talked I said I was going to bed and he flupped out saying I rejected him. Anyway he came to get his things and we have not spoken since. But that day he did say he hoped we could remain friends. Im sure he’s happy with his new found supply and hopeful that he’ll just stay gone. Thank you for the words of encouragement I really don’t have a string support system around me. Im a single mom trying to keep my sanity intact. I will start those 3 lists. First, im going to start off with a pedicure……..i deserve it!
I was with this loon fit a year and a half. Im pretty sure I was a rebound and once he got over the last one and got back on solid ground he decided he didn’t want me anymore. The guys 33 smokes obscene amounts of weed (i didn’t sign up for that he took up that hobby 6 months In to our relationship), lives at home, works 30 measly hours a week at a going-nowhere-fast job. I know I can do better but he was so darm charming at times, and loving……grr
Hmm, if you were in the uk, I could have said he sounds like my ex ex
He also lives at home with his parents (had a single bedroom) I think his mum still rules his life
…. and smoked an obscene amount of weed. Actually the last 3 did, and all were paranoid, controlling. I know what you mean, about ‘knowing you can do better’ but….. when its your heart…. and their charm can ‘appear’ to make you feel so happy…. but remember with the charm came the control. You were, in a sense owned and controlled. And that part, is not so great, not when you can’t breath – and the lies, that is enough to drive you crazy wondering whether someone is lying all the time 
Yup, I felt controlled through most of it. He point blank told me he wanted all of my time and regretably I obliged. However in the last month he wanted mych less time from me. He wanted to hang out with his cousins (he has no friends) and when I asked how come he never invited me he wood say oh you wouldn’t like it I’ve there. In the beginning he never talked about his past sexual partners and in the end started telling me (proudly I might add) about the times he cheated on his girlfriends back in his youth. But claimed to have never cheated on his wife of ten years. Ive never spoken to her but am no realizing something must have been amiss when a woman who has no job no income and a child (his now ex wife) would rather live alone and struggle by requesting to end their marriage. Hmmmm.