Trust after dating a sociopath

Losing trust

Trust is an important part of any relationship. We need to trust others, to be able to have a healthy normal relationship. When you have been in a relationship with a sociopath, there is no doubt that your trust has been abused. Not only has it been abused, the sociopath relied on your trusting nature to use you for whatever they wanted.

You probably ignored ‘red flags’ that were shouting and yelling at you ‘this is wrong’ ‘run’….Instead you listened to further lies provided by the sociopath. The sociopath takes great pleasure in dupers delight and the joy of conning someone. Of thinking that they are more clever than you. Having no regard for your welfare, your rights, and has no respect for you or your life. When the truth comes out about the sociopath it can be difficult to learn to trust again.

TRUST

Betrayal

When you realise the truth about the relationship with the sociopath. It is the ultimate betrayal. Somebody that you trusted with everything that you have, abused you. It can take quite some time to:

  • See the reality
  • To accept that the person you have been with has lied and cheated
  • Get over the hurt and pain of being betrayed
  • Learn to trust again

Second chances

You might even, being deluded that the person might change, give a second chance. Only to  later discover that you have only set yourself up for another betrayal. The sociopath would come in with another mask and make empty promises, and for a short while, will be Mr Fabulous, Mr Amazing, Mr Everything. But remember, that the sociopath always does the following in a relationship:

  • Assessment¬†
  • Seducing
  • Gaming
  • Ruining

They would have accurately assessed your needs, and sold you back your dreams to lure you in. But quickly the mask will slip. You will see the psycho keen for control return. In fact, it will be worse second time around, as this time the sociopath knows that you might take him back after he has done it to you once. There is no point ever taking back a sociopath. They cannot change. It is part of who they are. Taking them back will only reinforce that you will allow them to use you more.

Recovery and trust with others

Whilst in the relationship with the sociopath, it is likely that the sociopath isolated you from others. Gaslighted you, and turned you against others. Reinforcing that nobody can be trusted. All sociopaths gaslight, and take pleasure in the confusion that this causes, and ultimately the enhanced control that they have over you resulting from that confusion. It can be difficult to trust after being abused. How the sociopath treats people within a relationship is abuse. Whether they are charismatic or distempered sociopaths, how they treat others is abuse. The most important thing to them is control. Control over every area of your life. He will control your every move, and manipulate your actions with others (out of fear of losing control).

To learn to trust others, you need a plan. It will take time. But you can do this!

How do you learn to trust others after a sociopath relationship?

Many people report that after a relationship with a sociopath they are left with their life in ruins, and having to rebuild their life from scratch. Some people are lucky, in that they retained friendships, and people close to them. However, even in this case, if the damage done by ruining and smear campaigns was limited, it is important to take a step by step approach to recovery and learning to trust. If you jump in too fast, wanting to remove the pain that you are feeling, you could end up hurt all over again. After the smear campaigns (if this happened) you will be left not knowing who you can trust, and confused. Take a step by step approach to healing and recovery and learning to trust:

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  • Do not go into another relationship before you have fully healed. Concentrate on your own recovery
  • Take things slowly
  • Realise that you have been abused, likely severe psychological abuse, and therefore your perceptions and view of the world have been altered.
  • Treat yourself like your own best friend
  • Start off small. If you have people in your life who you trust, who you have known for a long time. Talk to them, they will love you for you, and remind you of who you truly are (not who the sociopath made you into)
  • Realise that there are only two primary emotions in life, LOVE and FEAR. You need to get rid of the fear and replace that fear with love. That could be love for things you love to do, love for people who are close to you, love for your work, love of beautiful environments
  • Be realistic
  • Don’t beat yourself up, you might be a changed person, but you will also be a wiser person
  • If beforehand you were ‘life and soul of the party’, be realistic and don’t jump back into that zone. It is likely that behind your back the sociopath has done further damage to you than you realise. Keep it small, keep it simple, keep it beautiful – and find the beauty within you
  • Find reality, in your life there is reality. There is something comforting in knowing that whilst everything can change, there are some things which remain the same
  • ONLY be around (apart from work, where you have to be around others), as much as you can, only be around people you trust. For a while.
  • Write down a list of things that you love about YOU – write ten things down on paper
  • Write down a list of five things that you want to achieve – even if they are small things, write them down. You will feel good about you, once you tick off those things when you have achieved them
  • The purpose of doing the above, is important. It will help you to find YOU again. it will help you to find the real things that make you
  • Understand about the risks of meeting another sociopath after meeting a first. Take time out to heal and recover. Most importantly, to love yourself.

What is the point? I cannot trust….

As hard as this might be to see, there is a point. There is a point to all that has happened to you. No matter how difficult it seems. The point is quite simple – YOU SHOULD LEARN TO TRUST YOU!!! Nobody else can make you happy. Only you can do this. The secret of true happiness lies within.

Be your own best friend. People can come and go in life, but each day the one person that you need to wake up to is you. The one person you need to love every day – is YOU. Realise that the sociopath has taught you the most important lesson of your life. To trust yourself. Sometimes you need to meet a pathological liar, to learn to trust your own judgement.

If the sociopath has done a ruining or smear campaign. Know that this person can never cause long term damage to the true people in your life. You might lose, but additionally it causes a life clear out, so that you can learn who you can trust and who is worth having in your life. Those that doubted you, how much did they believe in you? Your real true friends will always be by your side. For they love the person that you are. Discover the true you again. Move on from the gaslighting and the abuse. Follow your heart, and focus on things that you love. Things that bring you happiness and peace in your soul. You are worth it.

About new relationships and dating again

trust as a brick

The important thing, before you go into any new relationship, is to ensure that you are recovered and healed fully from the relationship with the sociopath. First of all, you need to let go. Not use somebody else to get over the last person. This is not a wise thing to do, because the person that you are when you go into the relationship (if you haven’t healed) is not the true you. The sociopath would have warped your sense of self by controlling you. You might think that it is unlikely to meet another sociopath, but the reverse is true, because you have been damaged by the sociopath, your risks of meeting another are high. The reason for this is simple:

  • You are hurt
  • You have been lied to and betrayed
  • You are seeking something, someone to trust, for someone to take that pain away

A sociopath would be more than happy to offer to be that person. Would sell you your dreams, coming out of a relationship which was abusive, they would quickly take away that pain, simply for it to be replaced with further pain and betrayal in the future. When you are ready, when you do love yourself, and when you feel that you have something to offer somebody (rather somebody completing that missing part of you) – there is no missing part of you!! You just have to find somebody again…

  • Take it slow
  • Make sure that you go at your own pace, don’t be pressured
  • Be clear about what you want
  • Don’t brag about what you have to offer (as the sociopath would be attracted to this)
  • Be wary of online dating, they are often rich pickings for sociopaths
  • If you do use online dating, do not put too much personal information about yourself
  • Make a list BEFORE you look for someone to date (don’t be unrealistic) but also don’t compromise! Often those compromises are red flags that we are missing. Make a list of the qualities that are important to you. But don’t advertise what you are looking for. (as the sociopath can quickly be that person). Keep that list to yourself.
  • Actions are more important than words
  • Don’t talk about your ex in early days
  • Realise that you are worth it
  • If you see red flags – RUN and DON’T look back!! (there are plenty more fish in the sea)
  • Remember that trust has to be earned – if someone seeks trust before they have earned it, if it feels wrong, you are probably right!! Someone who loves and respects you, will love all of you, and be happy to wait and take it at your pace – if they are not, if they want to jump in fast, they are probably not worth it
  • Most importantly – HAVE FUN!

Only spend time with people who make you feel good about YOU. This might sound selfish. You need to be. Ending the relationship with the sociopath is only part of the journey. The next step is loving you. Discovering you again. Learning about your own hopes and dreams. Setting yourself up to fulfil those dreams.

The biggest lesson of meeting the sociopath

Is to learn to love yourself. To learn to trust yourself. To realise who YOU are. You can learn to trust again. But first, you have to find the wonderful, creative, beautiful you. :) You want and deserve somebody who you can trust to catch you when you fall… and to do that, you need to truly trust yourself!!

Trust yourself, so that you can trust somebody to catch you if you fall!
Trust yourself, so that you can trust somebody to catch you if you fall!

12 thoughts on “Trust after dating a sociopath”

    1. It’s hard isn’t it?

      As it is two fold. He isolated you from people who were close to you. (and so they think well thats your fault)

      And now you know that the perfection that you looked for all of your life – was just a sham… a lie.

      1. A strong part of who I used to be was that I always wanted the truth…good or bad. I would rather have the truth at all costs. Somewhere, I lost that. He manipulated my mind and confused me so much that I couldn’t see the truth right before my eyes.

        Well…that’s not how it is anymore. I see the truth. I know that it was all a sham. Yeah, it is hard to handle, but at least I live in reality now. I know what is true and what is not.

        No, I don’t trust many people anymore. I do trust my immediate family and a few friends. I am fortunate to have people to talk to about all this mess. I HATE what happened. I have lost so much. But on the other hand, I have been blessed with a lot too. It is just different now.

        As far as a relationship goes…it will be a long, long time before I am ok enough to handle that.

      2. You will never lose those people in your life who are there to walk your life journey with you.

        In fact, you never really lose anyone in your life.

        The key now is to work on you, and to rebuild you. He has taken NOTHING from you. With him out of your life, you will start to find the inner spark of you coming back the REAL you.

        He offered you NOTHING that you didn’t have already within yourself. He was a sociopath and was only mirroring you. Its not time to take that beauty of you…. and be so happy that it IS within you.

        And him, he will just move on to a be carbon copy of somebody else. Just a shadow, whilst you have the ability to love to care and to feel x

  1. “And him, he will just move on to a be carbon copy of somebody else. Just a shadow, whilst you have the ability to love to care and to feel.”

    My exN has a new woman living with him. Took him about 6 weeks. We live in a small town, about 6k people, so it’s nearly impossible to avoid him completely. Plus I’m a server and he has come in with her, although he doesn’t do it a lot thankfully.

    I consider myself lucky that I have been able to witness the transformation he has went through as a person. He is completely different with her than he was with me. It’s really strange to see! Only confirms even more for me that he is a textbook case of NPD.

    It’s such a drastic change that even people who I only know because they work at the convenience store we both go to every day have made comments to me about how he acts with her. It’s really over the top and it’s not just me seeing it!

    Validation feels really good!

    As for me? I’m doing pretty awesome! It’s been two months now and I feel more like me than I have in years. Had three of these emotional leeches in a row! Never again, I get it now. I am finally thankful for all three of them because without their abuse I would have never made it where I am and where I am going from here. Life is good and I’m finally in love with me :)

  2. I was never really aware of sociopaths. I am now after dating a man I met on match.com about 5 months ago. I have since removed my profile off of match.com. I will never try online dating again. It has left a bad taste in my mouth. I wish I could expose him!

      1. Thank you for the link. I wish I had read this before deciding to try online dating.
        Here is his very first message to me:

        Hi Isabella, I saw you on my daily matches and I I want to know more about what you look for in a guy. Let’s chat.

        Is this moving fast? YES
        Has he asked for phone number, social networking, keen to meet up before you are ready? YES
        Does he seem to have so much in common with you? YES
        Is his profile almost a mirror image of your own? YES
        Does he seem to say virtually nothing wrong? YES
        Does it feel like you have known him for a lifetime, perhaps many lifetimes? YES
        Is he exactly what you have listed in your profile, a perfect match for you? YES
        When you meet does he seem EXACTLY (in terms of personality) the same as he was online? N/A
        Does he try to stay over at yours when you meet? N/A

      2. The reason that they are identical to the person that you met online is because they are creating that false persona when online. Because they do not have proper feelings and can ‘act’ they can then carry on that persona when you meet – he still might not have been a sociopath as the sociopath is an opportunist and would have met you to see what you had to take!!!

        They rarely let an opportunity go…..

      3. We did meet. the conversation was taken offline very quickly. Met him 2 days later after our first conversation. I figured that I didn’t want to prolong the emails, so it made sense to meet and to decide if we had chemistry or not. From that first date, I dated him for 5 months. He used me! total definition of an opportunist. I don’t consider myself to be a naive woman, but this guy was just so smooth.

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