Have you ever wondered why did the person I was with cheat so much? Has this person any clue how much their actions have hurt me or destroyed me?
Not all sociopaths are unfaithful. But a large proportion of sociopaths are. Simply being unfaithful, is not part of the criteria for sociopathy, in fact it’s not even in the DSM checklist. But many sociopaths are unfaithful, why is this?
Why do sociopaths cheat?
- Poor impulse control
- Lack of guilt
- Lack of empathy
- To boost narcissistic ego
- Lacking in emotional connection
- Additional source for supply
The sociopath rarely cheats because he has met the love of his life. He cheats, because the opportunity is presented to him. The sociopath will take on the persona of people that he is around, so being close to other people, gives new dimensions to his own personality.
Quite simply, the sociopath cheats, because he can. Without guilt or remorse, there is no reason not to. He doesn’t particularly make long term plans, and tends to act within the moment, if an opportunity arises.
Remember that the sociopath does not have the same moral compass as non-sociopathic people. Other people learn that cheating is bad, as it hurts people. It causes pain. The sociopath doesn’t learn from past mistakes and will repeat the same behaviour over and over.
The reason that some sociopaths will cheat repeatedly is:
- Doesn’t learn from past mistakes
- Lack of guilt, remorse, shame or empathy
- Boredom factor, and sometimes for dupers delight and the joy of conning
- Are self-serving, motived and centred
Betrayal is one of the worst feelings in the world. You have been betrayed, you feel stabbed in the back. You can ask yourself the following questions
- Did he ever love me?
- Was I not good enough?
It can really impact on your confidence, and self-esteem. You need to know the reasons why he probably DIDN’T choose to cheat
- It’s not personal to hurt you
- It’s not because the other person is better than you
- It is not because you are worthless
It is simply because the sociopath is an opportunist with poor impulse control
Why do some sociopaths cheat and others do not?
Sociopaths are like everybody else in the human population. Whilst they follow similar patterns of behaviour, they are all different. Every human being (including sociopaths) will be affected by their own environment and how they were raised.
You might ask the question, but if they do not learn from past behaviour how are they all different? Each adult human being is affected by the following:
- Environmental factors
- Current circumstances
- Previous life events
This includes sociopaths too. So, for example if a person who grew up to either be a sociopath or with sociopathic traits, if in childhood the father was always unfaithful to the mother and this had a profound developmental impact on the sociopaths childhood family life, and therefore developmental learning, he might display the following behaviour (not all, it could be any of the following), dependent on the personality of the sociopath (as I said all are different) – although they follow similar patterns of behaviour, they can be different also, you could find that the any of the following is possible:
- Lack of respect for women
- Sadistic thoughts about sex
- A sexual (common with psychopaths)
- Or could equally (with or without the above traits) be absolutely faithful to one person, and feel strongly against infidelity
How to recover when you have experienced the betrayal of infidelity
When you first discover that your sociopathic partner has cheated, it can be devastatingly heart wrenching. The sociopath is a liar and deceptive and to your face will do anything to protect the lie. Often the usual signs of infidelity will be absent. This is because the sociopath is used to being deceptive and lying, and feels more comfortable with the lie than the truth. The sociopath also feels no guilt remorse or shame. So will continue to lie, and unless you are smart, will not be caught out (unless he wants you to find out about it).
This can make the betrayal feel more acute, as just when you are coming close to finding you the truth, the sociopath will lie further to distract you, confuse you, or worse still, accuse you of having an affair to cover for himself. The sociopath is a master of words, and a master of illusion. He suffers with a poor boredom threshold. He also enjoys conning and duping people and getting away with it. This gives the sociopath great pleasure.
It is likely that when the truth comes out that the sociopath will blame you (nothing is ever their fault). Making you feel even worse. Many people uncover not just one affair, but a multitude of people that the sociopath was having affairs with
For good recovery
- Get out of the relationship and establish No Contact
- Realise that this is not your fault, the sociopath would have cheated before and will cheat again
- Despite what the sociopath says to you, there is nothing that you could have done to prevent it
- Understand that not all men cheat, not even all sociopaths cheat, but those that do, will continue to repeat this behaviour
- If the sociopath makes promises that this will not happen again, this is a lie, understand it will happen again
- Focus on the tips outlined in the section of recovery and healing
- If you can book to see a good therapist for counselling – do NOT attempt couples counselling with the sociopath, he cannot and will not change, believing that he can will only bring more pain for the future
- Surround yourself with good people, who really do love and value you
- Take it one day at a time
- Don’t focus on the past, and the betrayal, it will emotionally destroy you, let it go
- Don’t compare yourself to someone else. Remember it is NOT because the other person is better than you, in anyway, the fault is with the sociopath not you
- A sociopath who cheats and betrays will always do so
- Remember nothing you do will change him, you can only change yourself!
- Love yourself!!