Sociopaths cheating and infidelity

Have you ever wondered why did the person I was with cheat so much? Has this person any clue how much their actions have hurt me or destroyed me?

Not all sociopaths are unfaithful. But a large proportion of sociopaths are. Simply being unfaithful, is not part of the criteria for sociopathy, in fact it’s not even in the DSM checklist. But many sociopaths are unfaithful, why is this?

Why do sociopaths cheat?

  • Boredom
  • Poor impulse control
  • Lack of guilt
  • Lack of empathy
  • To boost narcissistic ego
  • Lacking in emotional connection
  • Opportunistic
  • Additional source for supply

The sociopath rarely cheats because he has met the love of his life. He cheats, because the opportunity is presented to him. The sociopath will take on the persona of people that he is around, so being close to other people, gives new dimensions to his own personality.

Quite simply, the sociopath cheats, because he can. Without guilt or remorse, there is no reason not to. He doesn’t particularly make long term plans, and tends to act within the moment, if an opportunity arises.

Remember that the sociopath does not have the same moral compass as non-sociopathic people. Other people learn that cheating is bad, as it hurts people. It causes pain. The sociopath doesn’t learn from past mistakes and will repeat the same behaviour over and over.

The reason that some sociopaths will cheat repeatedly is:

  • Doesn’t learn from past mistakes
  • Lack of guilt, remorse, shame or empathy
  • Boredom factor, and sometimes for dupers delight and the joy of conning
  • Are self-serving, motived and centred

Betrayal is one of the worst feelings in the world. You have been betrayed, you feel stabbed in the back. You can ask yourself the following questions

  • Did he ever love me?
  • Why?
  • Was I not good enough?

It can really impact on your confidence, and self-esteem. You need to know the reasons why he probably DIDN’T choose to cheat

  • It’s not personal to hurt you
  • It’s not because the other person is better than you
  • It is not because you are worthless

It is simply because the sociopath is an opportunist with poor impulse control

Why do some sociopaths cheat and others do not?

Sociopaths are like everybody else in the human population. Whilst they follow similar patterns of behaviour, they are all different. Every human being (including sociopaths) will be affected by their own environment and how they were raised.

You might ask the question, but if they do not learn from past behaviour how are they all different? Each adult human being is affected by the following:

  • Childhood
  • Environmental factors
  • Genetics
  • Current circumstances
  • Previous life events

This includes sociopaths too. So, for example if a person who grew up to either be a sociopath or with sociopathic traits, if in childhood the father was always unfaithful to the mother and this had a profound developmental impact on the sociopaths childhood family life, and therefore developmental learning, he might display the following behaviour (not all, it could be any of the following), dependent on the personality of the sociopath (as I said all are different) – although they follow similar patterns of behaviour, they can be different also, you could find that the any of the following is possible:

  • Lack of respect for women
  • Sadistic thoughts about sex
  • A sexual (common with psychopaths)
  • Or could equally (with or without the above traits) be absolutely faithful to one person, and feel strongly against infidelity

How to recover when you have experienced the betrayal of infidelity

When you first discover that your sociopathic partner has cheated, it can be devastatingly heart wrenching. The sociopath is a liar and deceptive and to your face will do anything to protect the lie. Often the usual signs of infidelity will be absent. This is because the sociopath is used to being deceptive and lying, and feels more comfortable with the lie than the truth. The sociopath also feels no guilt remorse or shame. So will continue to lie, and unless you are smart, will not be caught out (unless he wants you to find out about it).

This can make the betrayal feel more acute, as just when you are coming close to finding you the truth, the sociopath will lie further to distract you, confuse you, or worse still, accuse you of having an affair to cover for himself. The sociopath is a master of words, and a master of illusion. He suffers with a poor boredom threshold. He also enjoys conning and duping people and getting away with it. This gives the sociopath great pleasure.

It is likely that when the truth comes out that the sociopath will blame you (nothing is ever their fault). Making you feel even worse. Many people uncover not just one affair, but a multitude of people that the sociopath was having affairs with

For good recovery

  • Get out of the relationship and establish No Contact
  • Realise that this is not your fault, the sociopath would have cheated before and will cheat again
  • Despite what the sociopath says to you, there is nothing that you could have done to prevent it
  • Understand that not all men cheat, not even all sociopaths cheat, but those that do, will continue to repeat this behaviour
  • If the sociopath makes promises that this will not happen again, this is a lie, understand it will happen again
  • Focus on the tips outlined in the section of recovery and healing
  • If you can book to see a good therapist for counselling – do NOT attempt couples counselling with the sociopath, he cannot and will not change, believing that he can will only bring more pain for the future
  • Surround yourself with good people, who really do love and value you
  • Take it one day at a time
  • Don’t focus on the past, and the betrayal, it will emotionally destroy you, let it go
  • Don’t compare yourself to someone else. Remember it is NOT because the other person is better than you, in anyway, the fault is with the sociopath not you
  • A sociopath who cheats and betrays will always do so
  • Remember nothing you do will change him, you can only change yourself!
  • Love yourself!!
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61 thoughts on “Sociopaths cheating and infidelity”

  1. What about a sociopath does not allow them to change? That is such a hard concept to understand. He (my ex of only days, which makes things extremely painful for me at this time) sounded like he wanted to…when you look at them while they are saying that they will prove to you and stop doing what they are doing, they seem genuine. Why can’t they change? Why isn’t there something that can be done through therapy or even medication?

    1. I wish I could fully understand the answers to these questions. My divorce just went through from a 20+ year marriage to a sociopath who left me for another woman. He went through therapy, and it made him worse. I have to keep reminding myself that the person I thought he was never existed. I know it seems impossible, but do your best to move forward and put this behind you. Maybe some day there will be a successful cure or treatment. The best revenge is living well, and that’s what you deserve.

      1. Lisa I thought I had it bad being with mine for 9 yrs. How does a sociopath get married? So much to a sociopath it could drive you insane. Julie

    2. My ex told me that he had changed, and I believed him, only because I had seen changes in him. Compared to what he was when we first got together, and when we broke up, he was completely different. Knowing what I know now, he didn’t really change, he just shifted some things while remaining the same person. In the end, we broke up over something trivial and stupid. But it was proof to me that under it all, he could not change. He changed the little things that he THOUGHT would make it seem like he actually had. However, the last fight showed me that he would never make decisions based on anyone other than himself. Even though he stated he wanted to change and I’m sure he really did, he just can’t. He can’t start caring or feeling anymore than I can stop caring and feeling. Proof. I started demanding proof of his actions. Prove that he loved me. Prove that he’d change. When you stop listening to the words and paying attention to his actions, then you will see there is nothing more to their change than words.

      1. They never really change. Just put on a new mask. Thing is that in their own mind they do believe that they are ‘changing’ as it is a new day (lack of planning) – and they think that they can be different this time. However it is rarely successful and they repeat the same pattern of behaviour – over and over – and once they start slipping and they get away with it (after building your trust by grooming you) they then get dupers delight from conning you a second time. They are selfish it is always all about them. Compulsive pathological liars. Care about nobody but themselves.

    3. Dear I,

      They do not have enough emotional depth to want to change, let alone care about the way they are making you feel. My Ex-Soc changes only when it suits her agenda. To the exterior world it looks like she is “straightening up.” Her dialogue to outside world is “Yes..I’m not drinking.” (This isn’t because she wishes to quit..its because her rich mother has threatened to kick her out…it’s about free rent). She is trying to get of her (and probably ruin) 11 year old son to join her & her 14 yr. old son in living under her mother’s roof. Why? becasue this adds insurance to her mother not kicking her out (if her kids weren’t there she would be gone)…AKA free rent.

      WHy didn’t she move back in with her mom when her husband kicked her out? Because her father was alive and would not have put up with her bullshit.
      Instead she abandoned her children to move in with some “stud” she met at rehab. Nice woman indeed.

      Again they only modify their behavior to get what they want. It has nothing to do with a change in theri character. Trust me, your ex-soc will screw around on you the second he or she gets the oppotunity. The only thing they change is their mask.

    4. I
      Mine would look me right in the eyes and swear his undying love to me and said he was going to change so he didn’t loose me. I swear to you I could hear him laughing inside himself. He loved the drama and the game if he could just conn me one more time he would glow as I cried. He would walk out the door and then steep back in and look at me once more and then leave. This went on for 9 years and I’m sad to say it’s still going on. I’m back here again for help. Mine won’t let me go. He shows up when ever he feels like it. I am now installing camera outside so I know when he is here. Like Posit said could we change and start being liars? I couldn’t even do it for a day. A Sociopath can’t be honest not even for a day……

  2. Been dating a sociopath for 6 years. He really says its his demons and he needs my love and help to change him. I’m so in love with him….I really need some advice. If they want to change….is it even possible?

    1. Hi Hurt, and welcome to the site. I am going to be honest with you, and am sorry if this hurts. Sociopaths might strive for change, for a while – but they are opportunistic, devious and manipulative. All research has shown that there cannot be lasting change. You cannot teach someone empathy and the range of human emotions,, they either feel it, or they don’t. This is why no amount of love will change, because you cannot give him those emotions, nobody can.

      1. Mine grew up watching his father always having affairs. He even got one pregnant.( Step brother) His mother was strong and a bit violent. Then my BF was married for 25 years had an affair and got caught. Then he met me . After 7 years I thought I was loosing my mind and I google everything he did to me and I saw Sociopath and this site. I now know I’m not crazy, but it’s still hard to let go ;( bit I will keep working at it. Thank god for this site ;)

    2. Its not. My ex of 2 years seemed like a great girl. Told me everything I wanted to hear. And even when I doubted her, she always had some encouraging words or something that drove away the doubt. Sociopaths are good. VERY GOOD at what they do. They are impossible to read and dupe even the most clever and perceptive people. I would say to move on to better things. But as every situation is different I can’t tell you what to do. The only way you’ll ever know the truth from them is if you discover it yourself.

      1. Matthew,

        This is true and I have. Even when I know the truth he says I’m crazy and I think to much. He will never admit the truth….NEVER…

  3. They can’t change because little by little they have chosen evil over good, themselves over selflessness and given into their human desires rather than chosing moral obligation. Little by little they turn their back on God and eventually they are almost pure evil. They are evil, plain and simple. They are the wolves in sheep’s clothing. I promise. They “can” change, but it would take a miracle from God. Just walk away and be thankful you have seen the light

  4. After nearly 18 months of yo yo “breaking free” only to get lured back in (I`m book smart and man stupid)I ran into wife no:3 and realized we were finishing off each others sentences.i had spent 12 years knowing that something was wrong and red flags waving almost on a daily basis.he hadn`t even bothered to change the story lines and went from wife to wife using the same lines.i looked up sociopath and found this blog.thank you so much.i read it everyday and have FINALLY realized that no contact is the only way to really be free.i already feel stronger and have started to have “no tears ” days.Ironically wife no:3 and myself have become pretty good friends and swap war stories which are identical in many ways.she tells me the same about wives 1 & 2.i have accepted the fact that no:5 is sure to follow and at some point in the future she`ll be telling me what he has accused me of.does it hurt?indescribably so but I can say that I don`t fall apart thinking about it.i have acceped that in order to go forward I have to accept that to him I was a chapter but to me he was the whole book.i am down to 112lbs and have IBS from the stress.i would have died for him but refuse to die because of him……..I WILL survive.

  5. I have to thank you for writing these articles. It’s like I just went over my entire relationship with you and this was written for me. I am in tears right now typing this to you I feel so relieved to have this information and feedback. It is so clear and kind and helpful. I am honestly lost for words at how grateful I am for your writings. I have been so completely devastated and lost and in the darkest place. I feel sane and clear and supported and validated and so much better.
    Bless your heart you are helping so many people who have been so mind f***ked.
    I am infinitely grateful to you,
    Emily

  6. I have to thank you for writing these articles. It’s like I just went over my entire relationship with you and this was written for me. I am in tears right now typing this to you I feel so relieved to have this information and feedback. It is so clear and kind and helpful. I am honestly lost for words at how grateful I am for your writings. I have been so completely devastated and lost and in the darkest place. I feel sane and clear and supported and validated and so much better.
    Bless your heart you are helping so many people who have been so mind f***ked.
    I am infinitely grateful,
    Emily

  7. I don’t even know where to begin. This is truly such a blessing to find such a truthful site. Everything you say is so clear and helps with my healing. I am so beyond thrilled to the point it’s like I’d love to meet you in person and just squeeze you for you kind and genuine postings. It means the world to me as I am in such an awful place and could never understand why things never added up. I get it now. I feel sorry and sad for him as I was left with no other option but to get out. Reading and understanding and learning what he really IS rather than who I met and who he never WAS is such a relief. I thought I had the PERFECT Prince Charming. I really did. I could never understand why things were spiraling out of control, I got a grip and found that this is not just a temporary time in his life, he has a sickening disease that controls his mind. So scary, I am relieved to be living and not under his spell. I do feel sad for him because even though he really didn’t have feelings, just words, I did and I do love him. It is so so sad. I thank you beyond thank you for this whole site, it is helping in healing and dealing!!! THANK YOU from the bottom of my broken but soon to be happy again heart!!!! :)

    1. What a lovely comment. I am so sorry that you are hurting so much, but glad that you found us, and welcome to the site. The truth will really help to set you free, as likely you were manipulated and deceived throughout the relationship. Welcome to the site Corrine :)

  8. I have just gotten out of a relationship with a woman that I believe is a full-blown sociopath. I guess I was lonely, which she obviously picked up on. I don’t have trouble meeting women, but was still in a semi wounded state over a divorce. I truly do not know what I was thinking. These are a few of things that happened with EH righ tin the beginning:

    1. She announced to me the second night I met her that she scares men, told me that I would fall in love with her and that I had better not “delve” or be overly sensitive because she just “says stuff and does stuff” sometimes. I told her I didn’t want to see her anymore.

    2. She texed me that week repeatedly and I gave in. She took me to her house & announced to me before the evening was over that she had an affair with her father in Law, and that it was his fault and not hers.

    3. The second week she announced to me that she was capable of hitting a man and told me how she had helped her x-husband beat up a young, 23 yr. old employee (who I’ll call R.) of his at their house. She let it slip out while drunk on wine that she would never fool around on her husband. To illustrate this she said there was a young co-worker she fantasized about everynight, and he tried to pick her up a few times when she was drunk after she had “harmlessly flirted with him.” But she didn’t ever really give in. I asked what the employee’s name was. She said R.I then asked her if she thought that maybe the difficulty between her husband and R. was the attraction between the two of you. She said she didn’t do anything wrong and that it was her husbands fault for ignornig her too much.

    4. Over the next year her behavior/moods would flucuate between nice-bizarre-bitchy-and cruel. Her cruelty and callousness is what hurt the worst. Her first attacks on me left me shocked and wounded. She just would say that it was my problem and that I was too sensitive. She is parasitic. She lives off her mother, and though she like bragging about what a great breeder she is (4 kids all beautiful like her), it never dawns on her that they are supported by the state and her mother.

    5. I started feeling intimidated & expiencing Erectile dysfunction. She said that’s no problem. She’ll just bring over “big Jake” (her dildo) and show me how it’s done.

    6. She became enraged about weird things. I was given some awards for service in the military. She said they were stupid. She didn’t talk to me for a week when I deposited a check for $9000 from work.

    7. . I could go on, and I’m sure you’r e wondering why I didn’t get out. I tried. I literally could not take the kaos. My health started suffering. I started to break up with her, but she would keep coming back and seduce me. Sometimes I felt like her energy was more male or animal like. By the time a year had gone by I was so confused and weakened I couldn’t think straight. She came back again one last time. SHe lured me in. Then started coming to my house dressed up in sexy outfits. HAve sex with me, then tell me some far fetched tale about some long trip she had to take that day for some reason or another and that she wouldn’t be home till late. Then there were a few allnighters. WHen I finally started confronting her she would become enraged.

    After a year I feel broken inside in ways I can’t even describe. I need help and I don’t even know what advice to ask for. I know I’m a guy and ther eare mostly woman on here. But I need advice.

    Please help me

    1. Hi Broken,

      Welcome to the site. There are a lot of people who visit here who are also male and victims of female sociopaths (and male victims of male sociopoaths).

      I know that you feel broken inside, this is because she is taken all of you and your energy. BUT you are still whole inside of you. The quickest way of recovery is to first of all establish no contact. Have no further contact with her at all.

      This post explains

      http://datingasociopath.com/recovery-and-healing-after-dating-a-sociopath/establish-no-contact/

      And this post explains what to do if you are finding no contact difficult.

      http://datingasociopath.com/recovery-and-healing-after-dating-a-sociopath/establish-no-contact/how-to-get-your-feelings-out-without-breaking-no-contact/

      Also remember that this is NO reflection of you, or of you as a man. It doesn’t mean that you are weak or that there is anything wrong with you. You might benefit from seeing a therapist if you feel that you can afford this, to talk things through about what has happened to you. You can recover from this. The fastest way to do this is to establish no contact.

      1. I read both posts and relate to both. The second post inparticular, was bone chilling to read. I have set myself up for this with this woman by trying to contact her after a crisis. But they were crisis that she would calmly cause and then lashout at me for reacting to them. I can tell you there were countless nights when I felt like I was ready to have a nervous breakdown.

        One time she came to my apartment (never a phone call before hand) with a hand-written resume & cover letter. Both needed alot of work and I told her this tactfully because I truly think she has a learning disability. Or maybe the disability is that she doesn’t even care enough to express herself in writing when it matters. Either way, I’m a teacher and work with kids with special needs and figured we’d work on it. She became annoyed with me when I kept asking her more quesitons (about her work history/experience & education). Suddenly I felt like she felt she was doing me the favor. I got freaking mad when she fell asleep and told her she was out of line and that I had better things to do than let her “allow me to help her.” The mask came off, and I gotta admit, her eyes sent chills down my spine.

        She said things I can’t repeat and slammed out of my apartment. 2 days She twisted it and said “I was at falt and that she was getting ready to thank me before I yelled at her.”

  9. My ex cheated multiple times throughout our time together. Even while we were getting married. Has had at least 2 kids with other women during that time. I now know he never loved me. The sad thing is even though the current OW has experienced the same lies and deceit that I did, she’s staying (more power to her) and is now taking digs at me when all I’ve been is civil. I just hate being in this situation. I just want it to be over. Doesn’t help that he’s changed his number when all I want to do is divorce him and move on

  10. This is gonna be long..I met my boyfriend at work..i was married and lonely..he picked up on it..he was funny very understanding charming generous..I fell for him …it was so exciting and new..he said he had a girlfriend who he eas living with for 8 years..never married and no kids…unbelieable right..I thought I found my prince charming..we had an affair for 1 year..I’m talking very intence we met once a week and had incrediable sex..amazing..then I had a heart attack died and came back to life..then everybody found out husband family friends..I told no one. Before my heart attack..I’m guessing because of guilt and knowing it was wrong…but I loved him and he loved me so he said ..i seperated from my husband and moved into a apartment by my self..he wanted to move in but I didn’t think we should untiil i divorced..he also moved out of his house that he owned w his girlfriend..in w a friend so he said..but I never knew where he lived until later ..then he got his own apt..which he wanted me to move in..but couldnt until my lease was up..anways im shorten this story..but I finally moved in..and left after 1 month..went back to my husband..who kept in contact w me weekly telling me he still loves me and forgives me..and telling me tis man is going to cheat on you..and he was right..the boyfriend had an affair w another women the whole time we were together..i did see many red flags but he had many reasons for his absence w me..busy work and he is a recovering alcoholic..AA came first so he said..countless meetings..he never drank w me ..until I left…I left him and moved w husband..all he said was goodluck..and went in the bedroom and called this other woman to come over the next day .after all my stuff was out..then the women he had the affair w org was out of the picture..cuz he broke up w her when I moved in..but picked up another woman the one he called when I said I was leaving..who is w now with and going to marry..which he sent me a text message to tell me that.but when I left he told me not to call him or tell anybody about our relationship..or he will press charges against me for stalking..see I didn’t find out about all these woman until I left..that hurt so bad.to think this man kept telling me how in love he was w me..but my gut was telling me something is wrong..and everybody else telling me he won’t be there for you not like your husband who stood by you thru everything I did to him…bottom line is this man never owned a home or lived w his girlfriend who i never met..but lived w this old women he was living off until he got his own apt..who died a month before I moved in w him..i comforted him cuz he he told me she was a good friend he use to work w..but found out he was her boy toy..cuz she had money..and she took care of him in everyway…i found out after I left..I was sick thinking of all the times he said he had to go over and help her…I was with this fool 4 years before I left..I’m just sick thinking of all these woman he slept w while we were together..when I finally confronted him he said it was my fault cuz I wouldn’t divorce my husband..no apolgy..no remorse..just tell me he’s never been happier..and do not contact him..but will text me..once in while to say have a nice day..I don’t respond..its been 8 months since I left and it still hurts ..I know I left him but I knew something didn’t seem right. The whole time I was w him he kept his phone in his pocket..w him all the time..I know it was a flag..but he said he didnt want to miss a call from his AA buddies….why do I still care for this fool..and his ex girlfriend the one he had an affair w ..when he was w me ..we’ve become very close friends..many stories..he took her for a lot of money.he broke up w her on the phone and told her never to contact him..she came over to his apt and demanded all the money she gave him..I wasnt home at the time…but he told me a ex girlfriend showed up and was acting crazy..but not to worry cuz she never meant anything to him..can u belive this piece of shit..and yes i know I’ve been a fool. Who thought I found the most amazing lover ever..the kindest most compassionet person ever..

    1. Did you not think of his girlfriend he had been living with 8 years? Did you have no empathy for her? Or your husband? You did this for a year? How? I would feel bad. I would have too much respect for myself not to have respect for someone else. If someone had an ex in background I wouldn’t go there. Your husband still loved you and you went back to him. You say his affair was with his ex he was living with for 8/9 years? I hope you don’t think I am harsh bit you both sound as bad as each other. There are people here genuine victims who have been lied to and cheated on….

  11. my socio cheated multiple times during our time together. (we lived together 1 yr) and i’m assuming many more times i never knew about, but suspected. i think in his mind he was being ‘slick’ by getting away with it… he went as far as to say this once when we discussed cheating. i think he actually said ‘yeah i’d be too slick to get caught… but of course i would never do that’. so being ‘slick’ was probably his way of performing ‘dupers delight’. i caught him red handed on 3 occasions, the 3rd one being the final straw and i kicked him out. what always struck me where a few key reactions he displayed upon being caught;

    1. pathological denial / lying – despite cold, hard facts (the mannerisms of this charade i learnt to recognize well after the first 2 times, extreme defensiveness, grand hand gestures, crazy faces, and reptilian stares… and of course narc rages)

    2. always stating that the guy was always ‘so nice and interested in him’ and thus impossibly alluring (hello asshole, i was nice and interested in you too, until you deteriorated into a callous, philandering monster)

    3. always placed the blame on me by either eluding to me putting pressure on him in general (i.e. calling him out on his bullshit) or the methods i used to expose him deemed me ‘untrustworthy’ (i found out all 3 times by checking his cell phone)

    4. would initiate a break up as if i was in the wrong for calling him out saying ‘how could i ever trust you again after you constantly going through my phone’ etc. you’d think i was the one out there screwing half the planet.

    the most prominent feature of all of the above was his complete inability to accept responsibility for any of his actions. sure, he was sorry for about 3 days, but then i was expected to forgive and forget as if nothing happened… until the next time. was like being on a treadmill of never ending confusion and self denial. i kept trying to figure out what i was doing wrong and why he kept stepping out on me. it go to the point that if he went out without me (which was a lot) i knew almost certainly he would cheat or at least give it a try. when we were out together, i was suddenly non existent in the setting. and he gave the term ‘wandering eyes’ a whole new meaning. only to deny it all of course. he would lock onto a target in the room with those psycho eyes and i knew he would have a crack at making contact. it drove me insane… i was labelled paranoid, insecure, crazy, jealous etc. all the while these things WERE actually going on. heck, there were a few times when i saw numbers getting exchanged literally right under my nose. even in the first month of dating.

    how i managed to put up with this and keep going with him will never make any sense to me, but i did and let me tell you, i paid for it dearly.

    socios are just the worst type of con artists out there. they will layer lies upon lies nd blame shift to the point where it all just becomes so confusing, you really do start to question your own sanity… sometimes i still so and it sucks.

    be careful, if you see the red flags, run for dear life. i wish i had many months ago.

    1. I really liked #2 and #4. Absolutely no sense of integrity. So disrespectful to be behaving that way right in front of you, and feeling justified about it. #4 is just the height of irony, but how they are. *You* are untrustworthy for finding your partner so suspect as to have to check their phone for untrustworthy behavior—that WAS justified! Mystifying, aren’t they?

      1. mind boggling yes. always finding ways to deflect blame and make you feel like a delusional freak. it broke me down to the point of depression… which gave him another reason to pick on me. they destabilize, break you down, make you feel crazy and then use it as a veil to continue their covert and malicious behavior…its the ultimate manipulation, one that i’m happy to have learnt and avoid these days. evil personified.

  12. oh yeah, forgot to mention – he always said after the make up ‘but i do love you’. hollow words from a hollow shell of a soul… with a very handsome exterior.

    1. Yeah, they are not good at knowing when things don’t line up or make contextual sense. Mine held the line on saying he “loved me” via text. I remember saying it to him during an intimate moment though and his response was, “Awwww…”, then, “Why do you say those mean things all the time then?” Kind of like, “Oh, that’s sweet, puppy,” followed by, “You should never do anything wrong then.” Funny how they completely fail to understand it’s THEIR behaviors that trigger OUR negative responses. Don’t do stupid stuff, you won’t be called out! But, I knew in that moment that we weren’t feeling the same thing. Depressing, but better to know the truth about where a person’s head is at.

      1. Jusagurl,
        You are so right on about that….I will take so much then I start cussing at him, he looks at me with this look and say’s ACT LIKE A LADY, STOP using those bad words! I will tell him THEN STOP all your BS n drama and start telling the truth. Then I will have nothing to cuss at you about!

      1. Mine will tx me I LOVE YOU over and over again but saying he has to end it. Because I think all these bad things of him that are not true. Just to start calling me a few hours later saying he can’t live without me. He does this a couple times a week to me…

      2. It’s really so hard to believe that people like this are really out there. This was my first sociopath, I didn’t even know what I was in for. I do think they go for very honest people because they don’t want to be lied to. Funny isn’t that…Positivagirl

      3. I have been with him for 9 years and he knows my family, and they think he is wonderful! I have never meet anyone from his side ever!

  13. jusagurl – spot on. it is THEIR constant disrespectful behavior that incites anger in us. and when expressed to them, it becomes us applying ‘pressure’ or ‘stressing them out’. they are like little kids in rebellion. he always used this as an excuse for cheating. i.e. that my nagging / pressuring drove him to seek validation elswhere. meanwhile keep in mind i am cooking for him, cleaning for him, ironing his clothes, running his errands, you name it, i did it.

    well the reality is that if he hadn’t treated me like shit on a daily basis (sometimes hourly) – there wouldn’t have been a problem in the first place. i’ve had many relationships prior to him and the things that happened were just so way out of line with past experience. he never quite seemed to understand this. i literally begged him for respect and emotional acknowledgement… he found that quite amusing i imagine… for the most part i got this message in one way or another – ‘why would i treat you with respect or dignity when all you are to me is a place to dump my shit, we do things my way and any diversion from that you will suffer for’. he was a monstrous child in a mans body, absolute, total abuser. crushed me.

    njncguy – i know socios are often times women too. in my case this was a gay relationship… they come in all shapes and sizes. same shit, different disguise.

    1. YOU are so right! I always told mine , he was like a 2 yr old. If I catch him lying (which he always was) he would say I was crazy and then he would make me pay one way or the other. He would say he was on his way over and he would never show up or even call and then turn his ph off..

  14. also a note on the texting thing – my socio was always so willing to express him self via text but the minute we were face to face, he couldn’t cope. would literally fidget, look at his phone and barely acknowledge a thing i said. the phone was his way spewing words he didn’t mean… because in the flesh, he wouldn’t be able to feign the emotional charade very well. i think a lot of them do this. the phone is like weapon that hides their physical lack of emotional depth. he once told me that if i wanted to talk about anything – i had a 30 minute limit (of which he would last about 5). thinking back on it, just plain madness.

  15. I dated a person who was ridiculously intense, and when it ended, it took my by surprise. She was a skilled cheater though. She had broken with her ex a few months before getting together with me (though she later admitted that they will still friends with benefits till we got together.) She said she didn’t want to tell her ex about us because her ex was leaving the country in a few months for graduate studies and she didn’t want to hurt her. Here I thought she was being kind. Anyway, the ex would text regularly and our shared Sociopath (S) would gripe about how needy the ex is, but still respond affectionately, which bothered me because she was still leading the poor ex on and giving hope. She would always reationalize that she was being kind and didn’t want to hurt the ex. At the same time, she would put down the ex.

    A month she was getting a lot of calls from across the country from a friend of her ex. The calls were almost daily and once I read the ending lines on an email from this girl briefly (which S switched on her laptop to show me something), and it was emotionally very intimate. She brushed it off by saying that they got close as friends a few months ago, and that her ex would get jealous of how close they were getting, but she would brush it off as her being crazy and paranoid. I asked her point blank weeks later when the phonecalls and continued (she would always tell me about them, and they would text often), and she kept saying it was nothing, and that I asked too many questions.

    While our first month was all sweet (not so much in retrospect), and she seemed so committed and honest, the following months were confusing with her behaviour swinging from hot to cold. After a few months, she left the country for her post-grad studies, we decided to end the relationship but continue as friends. Yet she would text we with her proclamations of affections, and ask me if I felt the same. On my end, I was trying to be warm and friendly trying to set the boundaries because I was tired of the push and pull, and really just wanted a functional friendship. She was sending me emails about how much I meant to her, and how she wants to be in my life, how she could open up to me in a way she couldn’t to anyone else. I was again being warm but not matching her high level of emoitonality. Then she became cold and terse. Here I thought we were two people who respected each other and she just became someone I didn’t recognize. So I stopped responding and deleted her from Facebook. From a mutual friend, I learned that she had moved on the the girl who was calling her all the time- within a few weeks of us not talking. Her ex apparently got very hurt and angry and cut both of them off.

    It’s crazy that she was at some point stringing all three of us along without cheating in the most obvious sense. It allowed to to justify that she was not cheating at all. I’m glad to be out but it pains me to look back and see that a lot of things were lies. Our connection was a lie, and that she was ‘connecting’ with others the whole time. That once I wasn’t responding the way she wanted me to, that she could be so cold and hurtful. It’s been 4 months now and I’m still working on firgiving and moving on. This website has been very helpful in that process, and for that I’m grateful.

  16. Hello everyone. After 8 years I have just recently realized that I’m in a relationship with a cheating sociopath. For so many years I have battled with this until I began to question my sanity and now I finally have an answer for it. But what’s next for me? How do I move on? We have a 2 year old together how can I possibly co-parent with this man? I’m so lost but I’m so grateful I’ve found you guys. Any suggestions or testimonies I’d be happy to hear.

    1. Samsue,
      That is the same reason I got here, is I started thinking I was slowly going insane. I have 9 yrs but no kids with him. I am not sure what to tell you being you do have a child together. But I’m sure other’s can help you that have dealt with that. I want to give you a hug and tell you your not alone! Huggggggggggggg

    1. Cat,
      Just remember this we all have the same horrible stories, this is why were all here together (thank god for this site) we all have had a sociopath and we have been hurt , lied, to some cheated on. Telling your story is a start of healing and it’s nothing we all haven’t heard before…Hugssssssss

  17. Finding this site saved me from wasting any more time or emotions on someone so not deserving. I met a man who seemed so perfect and normal. We had so much in common and he just seemed to get me. We literally spent everyday together and I thought I had found my soul mate. I remember the first time that I realized things were off. I found $15 missing from my wallet. Being as I left my purse in his room, I knew that he had took it. I couldn’t process why he had. He always paid when we went out and was financially generous. I just remember thinking, after all the money he’s spent on me why would he steal $15 dollars? It made absolutely no sense. Things just got worse from there. He flew into a rage one day because I was talking to my mother on the phone. That’s the first time I ever felt scared of him and I’ve never been scared of any man my entire life. He seemed suddenly so unstable and I didn’t know what he would do next. It got to the point where I would wait til he was using the bathroom or in a different aisle in the store and then I would use my phone. I remember thinking, how am I letting someone intimidate me this way. I’ve always thought of myself as a strong person. Anyway, to shorten it up some, it was a cycle, things would be ok and then he’d lose it. He never hit me but he tried intimidating me, punching the bed next to me, throwing a remote control at me. I slowly started to see that he lied about everything, even things that made no sense to lie about. Somehow I came to the conclusion that something was very off and I stumbled onto this site. I started reading and the more I read the more I realized that every story/blog was very much describing the things that were going on. I think the hardest thing has been realizing that despite the fact that my feelings were genuine and real, nothing on his end was. Also realizing that I won’t ever really have full closure is hard. I ended things with him, so of course he’s trying to keep me on his hook but everyday I have gone without seeing him or talking to him, I feel a little more like the person I was before I met him. When I start to waver and think about answering his texts or calls, I come here and it give me renewed strength. I never thought I’d be in this position, it really is like recovering.

    1. Hi thank you for sharing your story. Welcome to the site!!! it can be hard at first, as you come to terms with losing the fairtale that they first created, it is like bereavement and a loss. But abuse is abuse, and you don’t deserve to be abused. You are quite right, you need to get away to have no contact, when you do, the more you let go, the more you grow.

  18. I would like to say that this article was very well written, the stated causality and logical deductions are apt and very likely accurate, however I feel that you are overlooking something quite significant.

    One of the biggest reasons a sociopath will refrain from cheating or may indeed stop cheating is if and when he (or she) believes that being unfaithful is detrimental or harmful to themselves.

    If I am bored and want the challenge of seducing a new woman, I will do so, regardless of who it may hurt, but if doing so hurts ME, by causing my life to be less plesant or easy (for example, because my spouse will leave me), I may alter my behavior in order to save myself the discomfort or difficulty of making my own lunches and cleaning my own house.

    1. Hi I quite agree. Not all sociopaths are unfaithul. Some are, some aren’t. I think you are right, sociopaths do what is in their own best interests. Most of the time anyway.

      1. I think mine didn’t cheat because he was afraid of catching something, had nothing to do with hurting me or my feelings, OR THAT HE LOVED ME,. He only cared about HIMSELF!

      2. Positivagirl,
        I know you have talk about this before, My Socio has 3 kids, yes he uses them as a drama for sure, but it does seem that he does love them. Could it be that he really does? Is it possible. He talks to them every night if he is not with them and they say good night n I love you , he will say it twice to each one. He seems so real at those moment’s…He does a lot with them and for them. Will I think he does anyways.

  19. My S cheated multiple times. Most but not all of them with men. She denied all. She accused me being paranoid. She suggested me to seek a professional help to get over, instead of being suspicious and jealous. For her, that was MY problem, Few months before she broke up with me, (she was living in another city 1000 km away), I found she was living with her hockey teammate, a woman 20 years younger than her. Few weeks later of this finding, I read her profile in an online dating site self-declaring as a lesbian. So don’t assume that they will cheat with opposite sex. They have more options than that. If you want to save your sanity, just get the hell out of there. I tell ya!

  20. I’m not sure if my partner is a sociopath, but he does seem to have alot of sociopathic traits so I’m worried he is. When we first got together, things appeared to be really good and then I found out he was still with his supposed ex, I should of walked away then but didn’t. Then he told me, a couple of months later, that the ex has just found out she is pregnant. He said it was unplanned on his side and that she was five months gone but had only just found out. A few weeks later, he took us on a really amazing holiday and on the plane, he loved me for the first time and while we were away, he said he wanted to marry me and how happy he was. After we had been back about 3 weeks, I woke up to messages from his ex saying he only ended the relationship a week before we went away, had slept with her the morning we went away, planned the baby with her, had known the whole time that she was pregnant, not until 5 months as he had said, she was even staying at his house to look after his dog while we were away. He slept with her that morning before collecting me to go to the airport, without even bathing and had sex with me a few hours later. She sent me messages from before he broke up with her, graphic photos he had sent her, the lot. This was 3 days before Xmas. This has completely destroyed me but because I’m an idiot and led by my emotions, I still stayed. We even got engaged nye. Ridiculous, I know. A few weeks later, the baby was born and desite promising me he loved me and he would never hurt me again. Two days later, he completely shut me off, behaved cold and when I told him I loved him, just replied “I know you so” it was so heartbreaking and after being so intense and the shock of a few weeks earlier, I felt so broken that I left, went off and cut my wrists with a cut throat razor and wanted to die. The police found me and took me to hospital and for 10 days, I didn’t hear from him, I didn’t attempt to contact him either, I sold my engagement ring and accepted the fact he had left me for his ex and had not cared whether I was even alive. Then he rings and says he can’t stop thinking about me and us and he is sorry and he didn’t get back with her, he still wanted to get married and lives me. We got back together and 2 weeks later, he breaks my eye socket. My head was bleeding and I was concussed for over a week and my eye was such a mess. Then I start getting messages every day from the ex saying I’m a psycho and she’s glad I slit my wrists, that he doesn’t love me, he got back with her, slept with her and it appears he went back to his family and made I beat him, I’m crazy, total lies. I think he even used the fact he didn’t care if I was successful in the suicide attempt (which I regret and am ashamed of) as a way to prove to her that he loved her. I couldn’t even reply to the endless texts as I didn’t want her to stop his access to the baby, I just took it like everything else. He insists it’s lies and he didn’t get back with her or sleep with her and I can’t take anymore. We are living together, engaged, he promises he will never hurt me again and that he loves me more than anything, he said he is bending over backwards to make it work, he’s sorry every day, yet I still feel like he has forgotten everything and I’m scared he will do it again. He has little empathy for others and I’m scared now that these few times he has appeared to be sorry, is infact fake. I love him and I know I’m stupid for allowing this to go on but I live in hope that he will live up to the promises he constantly makes me. Is he a sociopath? Is it guaranteed to happen again? Why does he do this?

    1. Oh GIA,
      I am concerned for your safety and your emotional well-being. Whether he’s a sociopath or not, he is a consummate liar, and he’s proven this to you repeatedly. He slept with you the same day he lied to a woman who’s having his baby, while she sat home taking care of his needs. I know you don’t want this for yourself. He is just using everyone around him. Don’t listen to the words. They are designed to make you think whatever he wants and not rooted in truth. His truth is whatever he needs to do that day (or even hour) to get what he wants. You are with a very selfish, abusive man. Please take care of yourself… you don’t want a future like this, with lies, other women’s babies popping up, physical trauma, hospital visits, emotional scars, and potentially future financial damage, as they don’t leave anything they have access to alone.

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