The person that you dated, was selfish, unreliable, dishonest, untrustworthy, manipulative, destructive. The list goes on and on. It’s is hardly a list of personality traits for your perfect catch and ideal partner?

You know this, in your heart you know this, yet still you have a longing to have answers, closure, you might delude yourself that things can be ‘fixed’. That with compromise, that you really could work things out, and be together. All of these thoughts run through your head. You feel pain in your heart from:

  • The way that you were treated – especially if you were cruelly discarded or emotionally/physically abused
  • The thoughts of all the lies, the false empty promises – the life you were promised, the dream that you were promised, but that never came true
  • You have invested so much, maybe you are owed so much
  • The sociopath has created addiction and dependency to them

The last point is an important one. So I will repeat it again The sociopath has made you dependent on him/her

You might have been a smart, articulate, intelligent, focused person before you met the sociopath. I am not saying that you are not now, you still are. What has happened is that the sociopath is like a drug dealer


Yes, that is right the sociopath behaves like a drug dealer, and you take what they have to offer. Of course, you are not aware that you are being sold a drug, or that you are being made dependent. All that you know is that you like the feeling of being with him/her. If you have split, you cannot resist the thought of contacting, to see what they are doing. Even if that just means looking at social networking sites.

People who are drug users, quickly lose contact with others not in the ‘drug scene’, this is because:

  • They have more in common with other users, than non users
  • They do not experience judgement from other users
  • They become isolated from people like old friends and family, because of the above two reasons

The sociopath will walk into your life, and after the interview and observing you, he will sell you back yourself. The sociopath will offer to fill in the blanks that you are advertising as missing in your life. The sociopath will quite easily become what you want. It doesn’t matter if he/she doesn’t have the desired criteria that you are looking for. That doesn’t matter at all, he/she already knows that if he/she can fake it for long enough so that you are hooked, and in love, he/she is onto a winner.

Love is a drug – the sociopath is the dealer – and you, the victim are the user!

I know, you might read this and it could  appear far fetched. But isn’t. You might tell yourself, that this isn’t related to you?  I spent 27 years working with homeless people, working with hundreds of people who had long term drug addiction problems.

I am not referring to sociopaths being drug dealers in a literal sense. But they are actually selling you a drug. The drug of love. Once you are hooked, it becomes very difficult to leave, and very easy to manipulate you. Even when you do leave, you are stuck with what feels like a drug dependency. Worse, is that if you allow it, the sociopath will continue to ‘feed you’ the drug, through what they put on social networking sites, if you read their profiles for your latest ‘fix’.

This is why the sociopath will often say ‘do you love me?’or ‘I love  you’ and then afterwards will say ‘do you love me?’…. they are constantly checking to see if you are ‘in love’

The sociopath creates dependency, just as a drug dealer at first gives out drugs for free, so that its drug users will become dependent on the drug. The sociopath works in the same way. The sociopath sells you the drug of love  – by

  • Telling you what you want to hear
  • Mirroring you
  • Offering false empty promises for the future
  • Creating a false persona of the perfect person for you
  • He/she is creating a ‘high’ that you will become addicted to, and find difficult to leave

I remember reading an Allen Carr book about quitting smoking. He asked people if when they started smoking that they thought they would be smoking for the next 30 years, or even the rest of their life? Of course  they said no.

If someone had asked you at the beginning of the relationship with the sociopath, do you want to be abused for the rest of this relationship? Are you agreeing to be controlled? Are you agreeing to being manipulated, and losing your own identity to be whoever the sociopath wants you to be?

Of course, if you were told this in the beginning, you would have said a straight, flat out NO!! Instead, you are sold a pack of lies, a false persona, and an illusion. You fall in love with what you ‘think’ is reality.

This is often what drug dealers do. A memory of this to illustrate, is because of my work, I knew that crack cocaine could be very addictive. When it first came to my city, drug dealers were handing heroin addicts a rock of crack, free with every deal of heroin. I recall saying to the person who was telling me about this, that this was crack cocaine. The punter said ‘yeah I know, it’s coke all the stars take it’…he didn’t think it was a big deal. He was being sold the illusion – not the reality. What he was actually being sold was an illusion of a different drug, that was more socially acceptable, and  glamorous.  It wasn’t long of course, before he had a crack cocaine habit. It was later that he realised that had he had been conned, but it was too late – he was now addicted to both crack and heroin.

The addiction of the sociopath high

The sociopath, just like the drug dealer in the above example, exploits your weaknesses to later manipulate and control you. He offers you something that you think you need, or are looking for in your life. Feeling that you are getting what you need, you become hooked. After all, you are being sold your dreams. Positive thoughts about yourself, are sold back to you. You feel a high, and euphoric.

Later in the relationship, as the truth starts to unravel, you see that you have been lied to, conned. You struggle to believe the truth, and partially you don’t want to either. You don’t want the dream to be a con. You want it to be reality.

The euphoric feeling that drug users feel, is not real. It is felt when the drug is taken. Taking the drug gives you the fix. If it felt bad all the time, people would never become addicted to drugs. At first it feels good. The drug dealer continues to feed you, whilst taking all of your money for what he is giving you. It is when you cannot afford to pay, but you still have the addiction to the high, that the problems start to surface. You are now hooked, under the sociopaths control.

Escaping the sociopath and the lure of addiction

The sociopath will continue to contact you, play victim, promise to change. You will question your mind.  After all you are now ADDICTED – and you want the GOOD feeling….. you just don’t want the BAD that goes with it.

The good feelings are all in your head. This is not real life. In fact that longing for the good feeling is actually bad for your health.

The longer that you stay with it, the more (just like a drug user) you will lose. You risk losing

  • Yourself, your self worth, self confidence, self esteem, reputation
  • Your home
  • Friends and family
  • Finances

Like a drug user you risk then becoming isolated. Others do not understand.

Have you ever quit smoking?

It’s like that.  Leaving a sociopath is very similar to this. You have to go through the withdraw period. Just like it is important not to smoke ONE cigarette…. it is also important to have NO contact with the sociopath. Having contact will give you a short time fix for the drug that you are craving, that euphoric high – but also the cycle for more will continue.

If you ever have quit smoking, you will know that the longer that you go without, the easier it gets over time.

See this as an addiction. Something that is NOT good for your health. Yes, you might feel weak or broken right now, but that is because the sociopath has taken your strength, but it is still there within you.


Keep moving forward, and live a healthy life, sociopath free!! :)

Copyright 2013

223 responses »

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  1. Lilyrose says:

    My god, it sounds like you’ve been through it…. Really appreciate this site, you’re doing an amazing job!

    • Lucy says:

      It’s such a relief to read some of these comments and realize that I’m not alone in my experiences. I was in a year long relationship with someone like this. Manipulative, abusive, no empathy for others whatsoever but could present themselves as the most charming dream you’d ever meet. They were big on playing the victim and since I’m a very accommodating and caring person they got to me by lying about their childhood and playing on my abundant caring instincts. Like a fool I allowed myself to be taken in by the ‘broken victim’ persona and cared for them day and night with nothing in return.

      At the end of the year they suddenly and unexpectedly vanished out of my life. They later said that they had done so because they loved me and knew they were going to hurt me. Of course, by that point they already had caused me immense pain and exhaustion, though I do to this day believe that they truly had a tiny ping of a conscience if only for that one moment.

      I was left with PTSD after being with them and I felt so unsure of myself and my own reactions to the whole ordeal. It’s good to know that this is a common reaction to what happened. Unfortunately the medical professionals refused to help me beyond diagnosis and I was left by myself for two years, too afraid to reach out to make friends, let alone get involved in the dating scene again.

      Thankfully I am in a much better position nowadays. I’ll soon be married to my best friend who is a kind, empathetic and – above all else – honest, person. I do still struggle with upholding our relationship sometimes because my ex conditioned me to have set responses to certain things. Thankfully my current partner puts time and effort into helping me work through these behaviours and I’m certain that with time I’ll come to react normally to things once more.

  2. emma says:

    This is soooo true! Please help me! I was in a relationship with a sociopath for eight years. He abandoned me by silence treatment earlier this year. And i called him a couple months later, which lead to a reunion. He was sweet in the begining and wired me a lot of money. Now i really want to leave him because he acts all crazy again..constantly critisizing me…but am feeling guity to do so. Im afraid that ill need his help so weak and inconfidance and unsure about the future…what should i do? He kept saying that ill only be able to have a well to do life with him..otherwise i will marry someone whos poor and stupid..i know it sounds insane but i truly feel like this could be true if i ever leave me! Help!

  3. guppie says:

    I worry that I’ve become every bad thing he ever accused me of. I was not able to face the utter loneliness & destruction in all sectors of my life. Because I was older and he took those last few good years. Also, I had no family and no real friends as I was fast learning. Now I’m paying for not fighting harder for myself after he left. Because the truth is I did give up. Things fell apart sooo fast and I was surrounded by people with his same mentality. I was the prey. I got bullied, couldn’t look people in the eye, afraid to go out of the house….

    • positivagirl says:

      Hey there are no last year’s until you are dead (unless you are 96 of course). What you are talking about is very complicated it’s the mind trip that they play on you. Read my blog from the beginning (listed on the side old posts) go back to Feb 2013). You will see how he met you, mirrored you then got your insecurities… Offered to solve them and then used shame to belittle you… He focused on your insecurities… The longer that you break free the more you will be able to see what has happened. They deliberately creat dependency and addiction and show you your weaknesses to make you feel worthless. You can come out the other side I promise.

  4. Seenthelight says:

    I just cant believe i’ve just woken up to what he’s been doing for 3 years. ive had a horrible feeling in the pit those of my atomach the whole time but was convinced that it was my insecurity and paranoia. why would anyone say such beautiful things and go to those lengths if they didnt really love me? im sickened and just feel duped exhausted and ridiculous. even after we split he tried to brainwash me. i caught him out in his lies because i had to prove i wasnt crazy. before i was with him i was feisty, fun and pretty now i feel worthless, ugly and stupid. even
    worse is im still obsessing while hes out catching new prey. sickened. im glad there are people i can talk to about this because i feel

  5. Seenthelight says:

    sometimes that ive glimpsed evil and i cant express to anyone how much it’s scared me. even thoae who’ve been telling me from the beginning to stay away still consider him to be ‘messed up’ not the calculating, cold manipulator that ive uncovered. sometimes though. im struggling to deal with the idea he might not even have had any affection towards me. can sociopaths feel affection?

    • positivagirl says:

      Yes I think they can seen. In terms that they own and consume you. It’s more about ownership, possession and control but they can feel very attached to someone also if it’s in their interests.

  6. Seenthelight says:

    your website is my saviour at the moment. i re read an email hed sent which said that we were made for each other- it had been written in the stars and that he thinks we’ll be together forever. do you think they mean what they say in the moment? what is the purpose of that? is that to keep me attached to him and if so why? if he really doesnt love me why would he want that person fawning all over him. if i didnt love someone i’d avoid them- their presence would

  7. Seenthelight says:

    apologies for the many questions. he also denied all knowledge after i had spoken on the phone with his other girlfriend. i told him that i knew everything, put everything i knew out there, and his response was ‘i dont know what you’re talking about, please, i dont understand’ is he a sociopath or perhaps just mentally insane?! i was doing well forgetting about him for a time and i felt lighter- now im rehashing everything and i feel ill again. goddam. thank you for your site x

  8. Marion Larrick says:

    Sweetie, let me tell you my story. My ex sociopath left me for another woman in another state. I found out the same day he was on a bus and I called the woman. He came back to san jose and I saw him and he denied everything said they were friends and it would be a long time he got envolved. The whole time he was here visiting friends he bragged how good his new life was. They are liars and they will go to any lenght to cover there sick minds. You can’t believe anything that comes out of there mouth. I know this after 8 years of hell. Trust your intuitions and read about them.

    • Seenthelight says:

      thats horrible. after 8 years?did he come crawling back? how long ago? i got a 10 page rambling letter telling me that he just didnt want to live without me and he wanted what we used to have. im the love of his life, i hope to god u give me another chance, i went for a coffe with a girl and it made me realise how much i love you. the WHOLE time he was telling this other girl he wanted to marry her and take her away and move in together. on the plus side shes really nice and i have a friend and ally now.

      • Marion Larrick says:

        No, he just came back to visit his family and see his dog he left with me. This was a year ago but 16 months gone. He tried to text me last sept with some chain letter I ignored it and havent heard anything but that hes happy and in love. He calls hes friends asks about me but thats it. I lost 8 years of my life 60 now seeing a therapist for ptsd of him abuse physically and finically and mentally

  9. Marion Larrick says:

    Run save yourself. God bless and stay strong and love yourself

  10. Seenthelight says:

    they can only be sent to better us maybe and to make us appreciate the real people all the more. thats how im consoling myself at the moment. hope your life is improving every day x

  11. Lilyrose says:

    Seenthelight – couldn’t agree more! I’ve viewing my experience as a life lesson… I had just seperated and in he crept like a parasite.
    I’m now stronger than ever after the worst hurt I think I’d ever experienced, and know I had a lucky escape (people keep telling me I was way too good for him, boy were they right after finding out he didn’t even have a home!).
    I feel nothing but pity for him, he’s on Facebook under a different name adding all manner of random girls as friends now, all over the country, waiting for the next supply.
    Keep on smiling people, we are free!!!!

  12. Seenthelight says:

    how long were u together lilyrose? what kind of trixks did he pull to lure u back? yeah mine went back on the dating site the day he got discovered by both of us! no shame, no embarrassment, no laying low, just a really bad profile and some ugly pics of his dead souless face and the tagline ‘lets do this’. he owes me and my dad a lot of money. i always knew he was a loser but i thought a loser that meant well. nope hes a pantomime villain with no shame. im embarrassed that i ever took his lies for truth but yes, has to be a good life lesson here. i will never assume that everyone has a moral code again i will look for proof xx

  13. Lilyrose says:

    Thankfully only 3 months, but he pretty much moved in, so spent lots of time with him.

    I’ve been lucky as I had an email a couple of weeks after I uncovered him for the soulless liar that he is, stating the whole “you’re the love of my life” blah blah and the odd text but that’s about all the contact he has made thankfully!

    He works away at festivals during the summer, so wall to wall females… I’ll put money on it that he will crawl from under his rock in the winter as the season calms down (I met him last December where he didn’t have much work on and clearly not enough attention).

    I was embarrassed at being stung at first, but now I just think he’s a pathetic emotionally dead thing that will never know love.

    It has made me look at people in a different way..,, and my trust has been knocked a bit, but I’m working through it :)

    If it’s too good to be true, then it probably is x

  14. betty says:

    The ONLY way to get back yourself is no contact policy. I was married to one for 16 years, 2 kids, feeling sorry for him, explaining his lies, etc.I thought he understands me like no one else. Now, from perspective I know he just mirrored myself, using me. I can see clearly. He is with another victim now, she is standing by him like I was despite the prove everybody gave her. I wish she would see…
    I can see now how fake his emotions and life is, he can change friends, forget family members, even kids overnight, change religion, basically get new identity without any remorse or second thought. Run or you will never see things clearly….

  15. tam says:

    I was trapped myself with one for 8long miserable yrs. I just cut the cord cold turkey a week ago, its been hard only because like normal people none of the behavior makes any sense. I caught him in yet another lie, with a woman that I already knew about…just 1 of many. I could go into the whole terrible story of all the cold heartbreaking and emotionally and mentally draining things I experienced with him, but I wont! refuse to feel sorry for myself. I take full responsibility for staying around, I didnt know any better and when we finally see these soulless individuals for who they are, the pity party stops. Just move fwd and DO NOT LOOK BACK! Its hard, but you have to be positive, and know deep deep down at the core of your heart and soul you DESERVE BETTER! You are still beautiful, smart, funny, and the fearless person you were before & after u encountered evil. You have to take time to heal your self, settle your emotions, be kind to your heart. These people are shepards for the devil. Learn,embrace the pain u feel because that is normal, Then let go. Do all the things u forgot about or couldn’t, you are free now. The truth will heal u and set you free literally. Bless us all, its gonna be alright I promise all of you. Be strong, be encouraged that u are not alone. Move fwd, in peace & happiness : ) the lies, cheating, and abuse is OVER. DO NOT GO BACK. YOU ARE WORTHY OF REAL LOVE. These people are incapable of that, and will eventually self destruct. The best revenge…cause I know most of us due to extreme betrayal want that…but again the best revenge is to have zero contact, to move on with your life and embrace true and authentic happiness. They dont want u to be happy cause they never will, their lives are one big lie. Your new life now is one filled with wisedom and truth. Time heals all wounds…be strong my loves! It can only get better, the worst is now BEHIND YOU : )

  16. Seenthelight says:

    Just what I needed to read on a slow Sunday afternoon. Thank you Tam. The last week I’ve felt a bit better, having made a consistent effort not to look at anything to do with him. When I’m busy he really does seem insignificant and small and I wonder how I made my life revolve around him for so long. I’m happy that I’m getting my identity back and all the things I loved which were worthy of it :-) love and blessings to all of you who are in the same boat xxx

    • eyeswideopen says:

      Great seeing what you’re writing. I’ve been in the same boat and cut the cord in July. I just love going back to these boards to remind me of why I should never miss nor contact him again. God bless!

  17. T says:

    Thank you for great advice

  18. rosie0908 says:

    I really need to write my story before I go utterly mad. It is just to get opinions because I am not sure. I think I dated a sociopath but not all the traits and things people are talking about apply to him. For example, he had a very good job, worked hard, hated people who were unemployed and always used to tell his daughter to get a job or go to college. He disapproved of crime, and furthermore, would never dream of hitting a woman, especially since he grew up with his mother and step father and his stepfather used to beat him mother in front of him.

    I met Al at a concert in California and liked him immediately. He gave me his number and told me he did not have a girl friend at the time. I returned to the UK and did not contact him for a couple of months as I knew I would not be back in the US for two months. When I contacted him he was so happy and we arranged to meet up. The evening was disappointing as all he spoke about was his children (2) and his step children (3), and not much about me. The next day he rang me and asked me about a ring on my finger. He had thought I may be married and it had put him off. I arranged to meet him again and we had a wonderful few days together. I was ill and he was caring. But on the last evening I made a joke which he did not understand (my dry English humour) and he walked out of the restaurant really angry wanting me to go with him. I was stubborn and did not return until half hour later and he had packed and gone. I was devastated and when he contacted me a few days later he told me that I should not go out with someone who is not good enough for me and I told him that this was not the case and why did he leave. He had left because he felt that I did not want him there.

    I was in fact madly in love already and I dont know why, I just was. We carried on in contact and he went off on holiday and my friends stalked his facebook if you like and found that he was on holiday with a woman. Since he has female friends I was not concerned, honestly I was not concerned, and the pic of both of them together, it did not look like they were a couple. Roll on one week and I am in New York and I receive an email from this woman to say that she has been in a relationship with him for two months, a week after he first met me. And she had looked at his phone as she was suspicious cos he was acting differently. He had pursued her everyday, spent lots of money on her, bought her presents, told her how good he was in bed and drew a love heart for her. She also said that she had the feeling that he was going to leave her and knew as soon as she saw the messages that I was the one he wanted, not her. I was devastated and we discussed it and this is what he told me and I do believe it, even now ‘I had not contacted him for two months after he met me, so he did not think I would ever contact him. So he had gone on a dating website and met Maria (name changed to protect her privacy) and he was giving it a go with her. He already had the holiday booked by the time I had contacted him so there was no getting out of it and yes he was going to leave her for me. He said that he understood if I walked away, but he had cried over it. I decided to give it a go (as I am writing this I am shocked, but it was all about love with me, nothing but love). In the meantime, he had returned Maria’s stuff and she told me he had looked rejected.

    So he came to visit me few times and all was really well but then I was ill with my leg and I found that he was not loving about it. For instance, he saw me slowing down in the supermarket he told me later, but he did nothing. When we got home, I told him I felt sick but he lay on the bed and ignored me and whilst I was vomiting in the bathroom, his way of showing he cared, was to take my dogs for a walk.

    I didnt contact him for a couple of weeks after because I felt so uncared for and he couldnt understand why I felt this way. I felt depressed and he urged me to get up and do stuff, so I was grateful to him for doing this.

    Then when I went to the US, I had a really strange experience. I walked into his house and his bedroom and this is really scary and I did not understand it, and I still dont, but I had a feeling of cold come over me, a cloak of cold, a house of no love. It was really weird, so I was watching him prepare breakfast and he drove me to the airport and I just could not see anything wrong so I couldnt put my finger on anything. He had been married twice, the first wife did not want to move with him to Germany so he was left there on his own for two years and had an affair which split the marriage up and the second wife had suffered from depression and used to go out half an hour before he got home so she did not have to be with him. I just could not understand it, how she could treat a lovely man so badly. He is still in touch with the three grown up children and stays with them and does all their diy jobs and baby sits their children and there are photos of the time he was married and he is cuddling the girls and teaching them to drive etc.

    So move forward a a few months and I am so happy and in love. I am happy just to be with him. He is calm and he is, lets say, practical. He can see a situation clearly and find a solution. Like he could see I had alot on at home and he told me I was too stressed and needed to do something about it. He did not ask for anything in return. Nothing at all. But I was craving affection from him and one day I was in Washington without him and missing him terribly. When he rang me on skype and I saw his face I kind of had a little melt down. He was ringing me to speak about his daughter (who has only half a brain) and he had a vasectomy because of this, cos he thought he may be to blame and did not want to produce any more children like this. Anyway he rang me about her and I panicked and in order to cover up my feelings I told him that I did not want to speak about her. I saw the expression on his face change to really sad and then I had to leave the hotel to get to the airport so it was only the next day when I got home that he really told me the story of how she had been abused by her boyfriend and nearly died and how I was not there for him the one time he needed me and was suffering. I felt terrible as of course I loved him, but he was so angry and said he did not want to talk to me. He also said something else that struck me as very odd. He said ‘I want a woman who will put her legs around me like Im the only mad that exists’. My heart dropped. I did not know how to rectify the situation and by him not talking to me, I knew he had no forgiveness, and no forgiveness means no love so I was in total shock and even had great difficulty in even standing up. It then got worse, he sent me a video message the next day saying that he hoped I was copying okay and in that video message I could clearly see that whilst I was devastated, he was just feeling sorry for himself. Thats all it was – just feeling sorry for himself. And then I had to sit down and figure out how I had made a mistake like this. And I took the story right back to the beginning starting with Maria and I remembered she said that when he returned her things he looked rejected. And I thought that he should not have looked rejected, he should have looked ashamed (SHOWS HE HAS NO SHAME). She had also asked him to move out of the hotel room and he had refused to do so (NO SHAME, NO REMORSE, NO EMPATHY). Then he had not held me when I was sick like he always promised to do, he had taken the dogs out instead. But something far worse was that when he said he wanted a woman to put her legs around him, I had a weird experience again – I stepped inside his body (and I cant explain it and I dont know if its spiritual or what, but I feel like Im going nuts) but I stepped inside his body and there was a huge vaccuum. There was nothing there, absolutely no feeling and it scared the life out of me. To think that the last time I saw him I was so happy and full of love.
    So because I saw the look of self pity on his face, I waited two weeks until I was strong enough, and I cut off all contact, skype, emails, the lot. I was truly devastated and had to have time off work, could not function, infact I nearly did not make it. He then wrote to me and said that he had over reacted and wanted to meet up. I nearly said yes but then the next three letters said that he could not get over me, and that I had been A CHALLENGE! More devastation for me.
    I did meet up with him again, it was after a year had passed and I wanted to, to get an apology or to see if I was right and that there was no feeling inside him and I watched very carefully and I could see that when he said ‘ok, lets take you to dinner’ , what he really meant was ‘i want to go to dinner but i will take you with me’. I could not eat as i was so upset and there he was sitting at the table saying to me that I did not know how to love and I needed to buy a book called five languages of love to learn and inside all i could think was, ‘well if it was you that wasnt eating in front of me I would be saying ‘darling, are you okay?’ but from him there was nothing. Later on I was crying but he said ‘you know, you didnt contact me for a year and I emailed you loads, wrote to you to say I forgave you about my daughter but you carried on ignoring me and now you are upset’ and he turned over and went to sleep. He took three days off work to spend with me and wanted to come and see me in the UK.

    When I got back to the UK I played him a song but he did not respond. I rang him late at night but I could see I was the only one that had love in my voice. So he communicated with me a couple of times to ask why I did not communicate with him, why I no longer contacted him. But, you see, I knew the truth. I had figured out the truth. He had never loved me. Never ever. And I had not picked up on it because I had been too busy loving him. I had not paid enough attention to him. But I could see it clearly now and when I said goodbye to him at the airport, it was as if I had put my hand in his chest and pulled out his heart, and it was so tiny. Another scary sensation. And yes he is so charismatic, so funny, great company and I am on a high when I am with him and I love being with him and nothing can make up for him. Its wonderful,

    But over xmas I resisted the urge to talk to him and finally I told him I had a letter to send to him in which I put that I had found out the truth, that he never loved me and thats why I was not communicating with him. Not because I dont love him because actually I still do and I dont know why, but I hope that it will fade in time. And I spoke to him on the phone and I cant believe the way he spoke to me. He would not let me speak. He was speaking so quickly, controlling the situation and being reallly dominant. He said my letter had sounded like how his abusive step father had spoken to him and his mum. He said that he didnt care about me, he didnt love me and it was really vicious and i told him that I knew he didnt love me as I had had a year to get over that and he said that no, during the last year he had been trying to contact me because he did love me and i told him no, i had seen the look of self pity and it was not love. He told me that I had made up my own sense of reality and lived in my own little world and he just kept on saying, ;you have won, you have won, you rejected me. I couldnt understand such behaviour. And I kept on saying ;No Al, I did not reject you – when you could not forgive me over your daughter that had shown me that it was not love cos i would have been the most grateful and happiest girl in the world if you had forgiven me, and the following night i had seen the look of self pity and not devastation, and he said that i was making it all up. I told him that I had forgiven him about Maria so why could he not forgive me about his daughter and he was startled that the saga with Maria had hurt me and that he needed forgiving and I understood again, that there was no feeling or empathy there. But ultimately he said ‘go away, i dont want anything to do with you, you have made no effort with this relationship for the last year, i have waited more than a year for you contacting you etc, but now i have moved on and you must move on once and for all and leave me alone’.
    I was still upset even though I have known all along he has never loved me. During that year he did send me an email saying he loved me. I never told him I received it but it is every girls dream to be told they are loved, but all i did when i got it is laugh, cos I knew love does not exist for him. So the year apart was probably the worst year in my life. I was so damaged and crying alot. To find out the man you admire and love does not love you and imagining them with someone else, was more than I could take. He also said to me before he put the phone down ‘Im glad i dont have to listen about your stupid dogs anymore or how you are cold at night and use a hot water bottle when I am not there. I think he is a sociopath cos once he said to me ‘just because im not loving you the way you want to be loved, it doesnt mean i dont loved you’. But the other things like showering me with compliments, telling me he loved me, mirroring me, boasting about sexual prowess – he didnt do this. And he wasnt good in bed but he was talking about anal sex alot and I understand that this is a dominance thing. So yes I have had my heart broken and hopefully I can move on but I am looking to see if it is agreed that he is a sociopath. I think yes.

    • M. Wright says:

      Hi Rosie,

      Personally for me, it was really hard to accept just how monstrous everything was. My eyes are still opening constantly to the extend of his atrocities. It’s been more than half a year of no direct contact, yet, even with professional help, I am still struggling with the carnage and destruction my psychopath/sociopath created – and sadly,
      some days, although logically and cognitively I understand for what it was, pure manipulation from start to finish, I still miss him and think fondly of him from time to time.

      When I read through your post, the painful involvement I had with
      my psychopath/sociopath, you wrote that “he had a very good job, worked hard, hated people who were unemployed and always used to tell his daughter to get a job or go to college. He disapproved of crime, and furthermore, would never dream of hitting a woman, especially since he grew up with his mother and step father and his stepfather used to beat him mother in front of him.” They are excellent at portraying something that they are not but something that their targets/previous targets/concurrent targets are or strive to be. The part about his stepfather beating his mom was mostly told to you, to gain your empathy and pity so you will trust him, and get to you thinking he is someone good and trustworthy. Whether it was true or not, it’s questionable, even if there is part truth, he just using it to gain your sympathy. Also the same with the hardworking and telling his daughter to get a job, maybe he did it because you value hard work, and telling his daughter to get a job would appear that he cares, where is could be another way of controlling his daughter (after all, what has he got to lose by demanding things of her, at the same time, he has also painted her as lazy in front of you) They are experts at smearing and dividing/pitting people against, because that way they can get you to adore and trust them with their false information, while at the same time, preventing their victims from getting help. They heinously, effectively make you depend on them and use you to whatever means they can and want to all extents (for their personal gain) without any consideration for you (or anyone or thing for that matter). They only pretend to care so you fall for them and to trust them.

      Like how this article well covers, they you what you want to hear:

      Mirroring you
      Offering false empty promises for the future
      Creating a false persona of the perfect person for you
      He/she is creating a ‘high’ that you will become addicted to, and find difficult to leave

      They have you hook and tell the tragic continues.
      In fact read over the article again – still hits home. Actually, today,
      I was feeling unwell and having fond thoughts of the my psychopath/sociopath again.

      Rosie, from your writing, Al exhibited many signs of a sociopath/psychopath, but labeling him as one or not isn’t not the most important. He is clearly manipulative, and insidious and you name it here in many instances, his inappropriate behavior, the quick bond that was made with you, the trying to place the blame on you and everyone around him. With all those toxic traits, it not someone you want to be involved with anyway. In the beginning which I found out my sociopath/psychopath for what he is/was, I was the same way, and sometimes at a short instance, I still defend him without consciously registering, the fake me he has implanted in me through brainwashing is not completely gone, but with information (read what you can on sociopaths website like this one and books (not by sociopaths but about them, at least not in the beginning (of when you found out the manipulative individual they are), help, and time. Although, painful and extremely hard, it does get better – the real you will that stronger with information, help and time.

      Good luck and be gentle with yourself.

      • M. Wright says:

        With a more rested and calmer mind after a bit of rest, just realized multiple grammatical mistakes I made. Sorry about that. Reading your story, and the stories of other victims, as well as the posts on this site,
        reminds me of what I went through. It’s really bizarre how much similarity in the way they exhibit and execute their cruelty. Although, it feels insane, you are not alone, the feeling insane is part of the monstrosity done through their manipulation and brainwash. They could do it through flattery or threats, it’s whatever is most convenient to them and what they see as best to manipulate you. The more expert they are in manipulation, the less likely the victim will notice (slowly, little by little, tailoring it to suit their calculated manipulation), Even if the victim(s) notice, it’s probably not to the extend of the carnage. If the victim confront them with it, they would twist it to have their victims feel sorry for them and would even blame the victim for it. To sum it up, they are excellent at isolating and copying they victims to suit their needs to manipulate and get maximum gain with the least amount of effort. As long as they can use you, they will. Mine almost had my and my family killed, and he would have made it look like a suicide. The scary thing is that, if he didn’t underestimated his next victims and discard me and my family so carelessly to try to recapture his next victims (oh, it’s forbidden that they lose out to what they are not entitled to!), he could have kill all of us, and I wouldn’t have thought badly of him up to the point where he would have killed me and family. Then after our deaths, he would have completely possession of what little we had left (in comparison to what we had before we met him).

        It will take time and information to undo the brainwash, and try to trust yourself a bit more, too see the harm he did you to. You didn’t fabricate it, he fabricated a lot with calculation to make you think that the harm/inappropriateness was acceptable. Good luck.

      • Roe says:

        i just realized mine also portrayed a good guy image great job money, didn’t like liars, gave all people a equal chance, didn’t like cops he said they twist everything when in fact he was the twister only truth is he did have a job..he lied about everything and i believed it all.. i remember describing him to my family as…” he’s out there” i knew there was something VERY different about him.. VERY…. and he looked at me like nobody has ever looked at me before… i couldn’t explain it until my daughter looked up sociopaths and she got chills along with myself when she read the signs of sociopaths… we both said together omg its him….

      • positivagirl says:

        Yes they are full of it. Words very rarely match the truth of who they are.

  19. Heart broken behind a sociopath says:

    Omg this site really hit home… I dated a sociopath for 3 years. Despite the lies..cheating .. Physical abuse I still tried to see the good in him despite friends and family telling me otherwise. Being with him made me feel so complete and his actions were completely forgotten as soon as he came bk home and with his apologies and sweet words. When I met him i was in a dark place in my life I had a newborn son by a deadbeat father and i can say I was definitely vulnerable . When I started dating him it was just to fill a void I really didn’t have any expectations as he was not the type of guy I would typically date. I was college educated , independent, a good job on the contrary he was a convicted felon, high school drop out, no car, the list goes on so needless to say it was not someone I was looking for in a husband it was just something to do to get me over my sons dad. I use to see him 2 to 3x a week usually on his days off. About 3 to 4 months in he moved in with me he was so good to my son it felt like i had the family that I was wanting. We had such good chemistry when we weren’t arguing about him cheating or him contributing to household bills it felt so real… He had children of his own so his kids would come on weekends and stay with us it really felt so real. he would constantly cheat on me …I would kick him out and a week later I’d let him back in…there was a time I even caught him with another woman in my house but even then I took him back . He always justified his cheating by him saying I would threaten to kick him out or talk down to him about the money he makes. In the midst of the cheating I got pregnant 3x in 2013 by him but I couldn’t go through with the pregnancies because I couldn’t bare the thought of raising another child alone …. At the end if 2013 after my third abortion i finally had enough … I was struggling financially so I moved bk home with my parents. While living with my parents I was miserable without him so I started bk talking to him again and we moved bk in with each other for some crazy reason I felt that this time would be different. In a sense it was I didn’t catch him cheating he had he told me he changed his number so no other women could Contact him. He blocked all the women that we had issues with in the past on Facebook So all was good so I thought. We had good times in 2014 but we argued constantly over money and my suspicions of him cheating so i put him out again. While we were broken up he called me and told me he had got pulled over for a DWI … I told him I wasn’t giving him anymore money but I would call his mom and sign the bail paperwork . So called his mom told her I would do the bond paperwork but she would need someone to get his property and pay the bond. She told me ok she would have his cousin do it. After doing the bail paperwork I come bk from lunch and I get a text message from a girl named Linda… She tells me that my ex has been lying to me the whole year and they’ve been talking ..shet told me that my ex was only using me for a place to say. She also told me that he has been sleeping with other women too. She told me he has been using a fake number to talk to her and that he has another Facebook account. To my surprise all of my suspicions were right I couldn’t believe I was fooled again sure I suspected it but I didn’t want it to be true. And to top it off she also told me she was pregnant but had an abortion. I was so hurt I couldn’t believe all she was saying. I thought I was finally done with him. So after he got out he tried to call bk and try to explain himself he would say all of them were lying and Linda was just saying what she could to get me out the way. I knew he was lying but I still wanted to believe him. I wouldn’t let him move in but we would still see each other we would have arguments about Linda but he would tell me he was just there to help him get his court case handled. Again I believed him and by the looks of her he couldn’t possibly want to be with someone like that. In January we again started talking about getting bk together he told me he wanted a family and we were trying to get pregnant. In February I became pregnant again …I was so happy I didn’t think I was able to get pregnant again due to the abortions I had previously …when I went to tell him the news he flipped the script on me I was baffled . I though this was what he wanted and surely he wasn’t going to make me go through another abortion again. I asked him to be honest with me and let me know what was going on with this Linda girl and he kept giving me the run around so I text her myself. And a minute later he called me and told me he wants nothing to do with me or the baby and told me to not ever talk to him again. I was heart broken all of what we have been through he tried to play me as if I were some stranger… I text her all of our screenshots of our messages .. Since then we hadn’t talked and of course I went through with another abortion. I’m just heartbroken how can someone I loved so much treat me so badly.. Of all people how could he deny me I stook around hoping things would get better and we would have our happily ever after I didn’t stick around to be dissed and humiliated…I still look for closure …I’m looking for an apology or something…it just seems so unreal how can someone be so heartless? I was there for him … Treated his kids well and this is how he treats me. Why can’t I get over it and move on? It just hurts so bad.why wasn’t it enough back in September, or the first time he cheated…or after the other abortions … Why did I stay to be treated like this? How can I love again or even trust someone again? I know time heals but I just can’t see it in my future.

  20. Amanda says:

    I can relate to so much of what all of you are describing. I married a sociopath/narcissist. He had been married twice before and had two children from the second one. We started having problems early on and ignored all the signs, even warnings from his mother and second wife. I was completely blinded by the facade of the life/family I desired so much. I am a Christian and my faith is my identity. I am also a single mother. Marrying him has taken away my identity. The emotional/physical/mental abuse has hurt and pained the deepest part of who I thought I was. He has had numerous affairs, continued to lie, and try to manipulate me. Making me feel like I am the problem. I didn’t respect him enough, I am the reason everything is crashing down. Then, just when I’m ready to leave he comes in with his charm and sweetness trying to win me over again. We haven’t been married even a year….My son is 5 years old and I know in my heart that I need to divorce him. I have moved out of the house. I cannot live in that house with him there. I have left and came back twice already. I cannot keep doing this! He has completely ruined me emotionally and part of me still cares for him because he has manipulated and won me over with his charm. I want so deeply for this to be a bad dream and that I will wake up any minute. But, then I realize that its not and he has already moved on to his next victim and she has no clue who she is getting involved with. I just want to move on with my life and leave him behind.

  21. John says:

    Even if it’s true and they are your drug, and you are cured from them you think they are just going to let you go, hell no…. because the empath is there drug to.

    • positivagirl says:

      Yes, you could be right John….. but sometimes they do leave if they meet someone else who can give them what they want!! ….. but often they return at a later date.

  22. Remembertoforget says:

    Thanks for this thread. I’ve been doing much better since I broke up with the socio…but, some days the lies still haunt me. I just keep reminding myself of the peace I now have.
    Somedays I just wish for revenge or illness on him.

  23. Jo says:

    For the past month i’ve been reading this site as much as i can. 3 years ago I thought i’d met the man of my dreams, i was a single parent of 2, i’d been raising my kids alone for so long and i desperately wanted a “family” He offered everything I wanted. Within 6 weeks he moved in, i got pregnant quickly and everything was perfect. He told me horror stories from his childhood and past relationships, i felt so bad for him I gave him everything, wanted to finally show him how it felt to be loved. As time went on it changed, there was no point in trying to tell him if I was unhappy with something, if I did he twisted every conversation so that whatever he’d done was my fault, maybe something i’d done 3 months previously was the problem. I always ended up feeling bad and apologising for what he’d done so eventually I stopped and just carried on day to day. He isolated me from friends and family, put everyone in my life down but only to me. Everyone else, except my sister thought he was great. He hated my sister and tried numerous times to come between us, he made her feel unwelcome. It started to feel like I couldn’t do anything right. I had to cook him a separate meal every night cause what the kids and i ate was “boring” but even then he could have done it better himself. At work he was the best at everything, no one was even close to being as good as him. He was a better parent than me and seemed to isolate our son from the rest of us.
    One month ago he went to a funeral, he didn’t come home, just sent a txt the next day to say he was bored, didn’t love me and was with another woman. The last thing he said before he left was that he loved me and i was beautiful!! I contacted his ex, was informed he’d done the same to her and her children, exactly the same. He told her he loved her, went to a funeral, didn’t go home and sent a txt the next day similar to the one I got. His ex previous to her he left one day while she was at work and never got back in touch. I also spoke to his step mom. He told me his ex and step mom were both crazy alcoholics who abused their children. All lies, he told me his dad beat him as a child. Another lie. His step mom is and has been a manager of a care home for 17 years, she’s had little contact with him since he pushed her down, stamped on her back and broke her ribs in a drunken rage. His ex wife, also a crazy alcoholic works with special needs children! Within 2 days of the “txt” it was on Facebook he was in a new relationship, he used fb to post hurtful pics aimed at me, spent the next few weeks getting at me. I did ask him to visit his son, he agreed to meet me then backed out last minute. He didn’t ask about him, just tried to keep getting at me. Everything was my fault but the reasons for it being my fault kept changing. He still hasn’t seen his son or offered financial assistance but i found out our son is his 5th child, he’s never had anything to do with the others, the oldest being 20 now and avoided the cad for years. I have started no contact now, for about a week so far. Told him to set up a contact centre if he wants to see our son. Our son is 21 months old and the change in him since his father left is unreal, he’s gone from being a monster, wouldn’t play with other kids, hitting and giving people death stares to being a pleasure, plays with kids, no hitting, no death stares, he’s happy and friendly to everyone! He won’t even look at a picture of his father!
    My problem is although i’ve started no contact i’m thinking about it every day! Not getting upset now but keep thinking why?? He was so lovely once, why did he change? Who is he really? Was the whole time we spent together a lie? An act? How could he discard me like i’m nothing and immediately start posting pics of his new girlfriend and her child? How could anyone be like that? Why doesn’t he seem to care about our son?

  24. grannygrump42 says:

    One of the things that helps me when I miss the person that my psychopath pretended to be is to remind myself of who he really is. I found out that he has a live-in girlfriend that he disparages at every turn, who he cheated on emotionally with me; he also picks women up at the soup kitchen and takes them into the garage at his nicest rental unit (where he stores his gorgeous BMW and motorcycle), where he remains with them in private for a long time. I think of THAT man and I am so disgusted! He is such a pathetic lowlife that he is a laughingstock at the soup kitchen! I think of who he really is and I want to poke him away with a sharp stick.

    • positivagirl says:

      Yes I found that the truth set me free. You realise what using, cheating people they are. How they play everybody and have no care for anybody but themselves. Then you feel relief thank God it’s not me he is doing that to anymore. Liars and cheaters ugh.

  25. Broken says:

    My husband of 13 years is a sociopath. He walked out on me and our 12 year old son 5 weeks ago to be with a 22 year old, he is 43. He has lied,cheated,physically a abused me and emotionally verbally mentally abused me and our son for years. Even with all that I still love him and miss him. I wonder why is treating this girl better than me. The thoughts will not stop. This is a man that spent 5years in prison for assaulting me, and was able to charm his way back into our lives. Was wonderful for almost a year then violated parole and went back for 9 months. Came home and again wonderful for several months. Then the verbal abuse started the cheating and threats of physical abuse. Then he would be good. Taking us to go look at new houses and family vacations. Making all these plans for our future. Then he tells me he is no longer in love with me. Said we are too much alike and he is leaving. My world stopped and my heart was shattered. He makes the last few days he was here a living hell for my son and me. A week after he left he comes by late at night witj the new girl and starts yelling slut whore and other cruel names. Both of them knowing our son hears all this. I go and get a protective order for him to stay away from both me and our son. The day he got served he had this girl go get a protective order against me. I have never spoken to this piece of trash. That was his way to bully me and scare me. All the while playing the victim to this stupid little girl. I have now had the protective order extended for 2 years for both my son and myself. No contact except through lawyer. The judge told him that due to the threats of physical violence and his past history he was granting us the protective order. Our son had to testify against his dad and this man showed no emotion. He did not even ask the judge if their was some way for him to see is son. I have our son in counseling now and I start next week. I’m trying to be strong for my son. It’s hard when you wake up feel like you need this person like a druggie needs his drug. Sorry this post is so long. I just feel like if I write it down then I can deal with what he has done. A friend told me that’s is bad that in order for me not to miss him amd want so bad to see him I have to go back and remember every hit, choke, lie and other women just to make myself not want him. They are like a drug you hurt so bad from missing and needing them that you literally feel physical sick. I just want the cycle to stop.

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