The person that you dated, was selfish, unreliable, dishonest, untrustworthy, manipulative, destructive. The list goes on and on. It’s is hardly a list of personality traits for your perfect catch and ideal partner?
You know this, in your heart you know this, yet still you have a longing to have answers, closure, you might delude yourself that things can be ‘fixed’. That with compromise, that you really could work things out, and be together. All of these thoughts run through your head. You feel pain in your heart from:
- The way that you were treated – especially if you were cruelly discarded or emotionally/physically abused
- The thoughts of all the lies, the false empty promises – the life you were promised, the dream that you were promised, but that never came true
- You have invested so much, maybe you are owed so much
- The sociopath has created addiction and dependency to them
The last point is an important one. So I will repeat it again The sociopath has made you dependent on him/her
You might have been a smart, articulate, intelligent, focused person before you met the sociopath. I am not saying that you are not now, you still are. What has happened is that the sociopath is like a drug dealer
Yes, that is right the sociopath behaves like a drug dealer, and you take what they have to offer. Of course, you are not aware that you are being sold a drug, or that you are being made dependent. All that you know is that you like the feeling of being with him/her. If you have split, you cannot resist the thought of contacting, to see what they are doing. Even if that just means looking at social networking sites.
People who are drug users, quickly lose contact with others not in the ‘drug scene’, this is because:
- They have more in common with other users, than non users
- They do not experience judgement from other users
- They become isolated from people like old friends and family, because of the above two reasons
The sociopath will walk into your life, and after the interview and observing you, he will sell you back yourself. The sociopath will offer to fill in the blanks that you are advertising as missing in your life. The sociopath will quite easily become what you want. It doesn’t matter if he/she doesn’t have the desired criteria that you are looking for. That doesn’t matter at all, he/she already knows that if he/she can fake it for long enough so that you are hooked, and in love, he/she is onto a winner.
Love is a drug – the sociopath is the dealer – and you, the victim are the user!
I know, you might read this and it could appear far fetched. But isn’t. You might tell yourself, that this isn’t related to you? I spent 27 years working with homeless people, working with hundreds of people who had long term drug addiction problems.
I am not referring to sociopaths being drug dealers in a literal sense. But they are actually selling you a drug. The drug of love. Once you are hooked, it becomes very difficult to leave, and very easy to manipulate you. Even when you do leave, you are stuck with what feels like a drug dependency. Worse, is that if you allow it, the sociopath will continue to ‘feed you’ the drug, through what they put on social networking sites, if you read their profiles for your latest ‘fix’.
This is why the sociopath will often say ‘do you love me?’or ‘I love you’ and then afterwards will say ‘do you love me?’…. they are constantly checking to see if you are ‘in love’
The sociopath creates dependency, just as a drug dealer at first gives out drugs for free, so that its drug users will become dependent on the drug. The sociopath works in the same way. The sociopath sells you the drug of love - by
- Telling you what you want to hear
- Mirroring you
- Offering false empty promises for the future
- Creating a false persona of the perfect person for you
- He/she is creating a ‘high’ that you will become addicted to, and find difficult to leave
I remember reading an Allen Carr book about quitting smoking. He asked people if when they started smoking that they thought they would be smoking for the next 30 years, or even the rest of their life? Of course they said no.
If someone had asked you at the beginning of the relationship with the sociopath, do you want to be abused for the rest of this relationship? Are you agreeing to be controlled? Are you agreeing to being manipulated, and losing your own identity to be whoever the sociopath wants you to be?
Of course, if you were told this in the beginning, you would have said a straight, flat out NO!! Instead, you are sold a pack of lies, a false persona, and an illusion. You fall in love with what you ‘think’ is reality.
This is often what drug dealers do. A memory of this to illustrate, is because of my work, I knew that crack cocaine could be very addictive. When it first came to my city, drug dealers were handing heroin addicts a rock of crack, free with every deal of heroin. I recall saying to the person who was telling me about this, that this was crack cocaine. The punter said ‘yeah I know, it’s coke all the stars take it’…he didn’t think it was a big deal. He was being sold the illusion – not the reality. What he was actually being sold was an illusion of a different drug, that was more socially acceptable, and glamorous. It wasn’t long of course, before he had a crack cocaine habit. It was later that he realised that had he had been conned, but it was too late – he was now addicted to both crack and heroin.
The addiction of the sociopath high
The sociopath, just like the drug dealer in the above example, exploits your weaknesses to later manipulate and control you. He offers you something that you think you need, or are looking for in your life. Feeling that you are getting what you need, you become hooked. After all, you are being sold your dreams. Positive thoughts about yourself, are sold back to you. You feel a high, and euphoric.
Later in the relationship, as the truth starts to unravel, you see that you have been lied to, conned. You struggle to believe the truth, and partially you don’t want to either. You don’t want the dream to be a con. You want it to be reality.
The euphoric feeling that drug users feel, is not real. It is felt when the drug is taken. Taking the drug gives you the fix. If it felt bad all the time, people would never become addicted to drugs. At first it feels good. The drug dealer continues to feed you, whilst taking all of your money for what he is giving you. It is when you cannot afford to pay, but you still have the addiction to the high, that the problems start to surface. You are now hooked, under the sociopaths control.
Escaping the sociopath and the lure of addiction
The sociopath will continue to contact you, play victim, promise to change. You will question your mind. After all you are now ADDICTED – and you want the GOOD feeling….. you just don’t want the BAD that goes with it.
The good feelings are all in your head. This is not real life. In fact that longing for the good feeling is actually bad for your health.
The longer that you stay with it, the more (just like a drug user) you will lose. You risk losing
- Yourself, your self worth, self confidence, self esteem, reputation
- Your home
- Friends and family
Like a drug user you risk then becoming isolated. Others do not understand.
Have you ever quit smoking?
It’s like that. Leaving a sociopath is very similar to this. You have to go through the withdraw period. Just like it is important not to smoke ONE cigarette…. it is also important to have NO contact with the sociopath. Having contact will give you a short time fix for the drug that you are craving, that euphoric high – but also the cycle for more will continue.
If you ever have quit smoking, you will know that the longer that you go without, the easier it gets over time.
See this as an addiction. Something that is NOT good for your health. Yes, you might feel weak or broken right now, but that is because the sociopath has taken your strength, but it is still there within you.
Remember – NO CONTACT – NOT ONCE – NOT EVER…..
Keep moving forward, and live a healthy life, sociopath free!! :)
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