The relationship with the sociopath is over – so why can’t you let go? – Take me to your drug dealer!

The person that you dated, was selfish, unreliable, dishonest, untrustworthy, manipulative, destructive. The list goes on and on. It’s is hardly a list of personality traits for your perfect catch and ideal partner?

You know this, in your heart you know this, yet still you have a longing to have answers, closure, you might delude yourself that things can be ‘fixed’. That with compromise, that you really could work things out, and be together. All of these thoughts run through your head. You feel pain in your heart from:

  • The way that you were treated – especially if you were cruelly discarded or emotionally/physically abused
  • The thoughts of all the lies, the false empty promises – the life you were promised, the dream that you were promised, but that never came true
  • You have invested so much, maybe you are owed so much
  • The sociopath has created addiction and dependency to them

The last point is an important one. So I will repeat it again The sociopath has made you dependent on him/her

You might have been a smart, articulate, intelligent, focused person before you met the sociopath. I am not saying that you are not now, you still are. What has happened is that the sociopath is like a drug dealer


Yes, that is right the sociopath behaves like a drug dealer, and you take what they have to offer. Of course, you are not aware that you are being sold a drug, or that you are being made dependent. All that you know is that you like the feeling of being with him/her. If you have split, you cannot resist the thought of contacting, to see what they are doing. Even if that just means looking at social networking sites.

People who are drug users, quickly lose contact with others not in the ‘drug scene’, this is because:

  • They have more in common with other users, than non users
  • They do not experience judgement from other users
  • They become isolated from people like old friends and family, because of the above two reasons

The sociopath will walk into your life, and after the interview and observing you, he will sell you back yourself. The sociopath will offer to fill in the blanks that you are advertising as missing in your life. The sociopath will quite easily become what you want. It doesn’t matter if he/she doesn’t have the desired criteria that you are looking for. That doesn’t matter at all, he/she already knows that if he/she can fake it for long enough so that you are hooked, and in love, he/she is onto a winner.

Love is a drug – the sociopath is the dealer – and you, the victim are the user!

I know, you might read this and it could  appear far fetched. But isn’t. You might tell yourself, that this isn’t related to you?  I spent 27 years working with homeless people, working with hundreds of people who had long term drug addiction problems.

I am not referring to sociopaths being drug dealers in a literal sense. But they are actually selling you a drug. The drug of love. Once you are hooked, it becomes very difficult to leave, and very easy to manipulate you. Even when you do leave, you are stuck with what feels like a drug dependency. Worse, is that if you allow it, the sociopath will continue to ‘feed you’ the drug, through what they put on social networking sites, if you read their profiles for your latest ‘fix’.

This is why the sociopath will often say ‘do you love me?’or ‘I love  you’ and then afterwards will say ‘do you love me?’…. they are constantly checking to see if you are ‘in love’

The sociopath creates dependency, just as a drug dealer at first gives out drugs for free, so that its drug users will become dependent on the drug. The sociopath works in the same way. The sociopath sells you the drug of love  – by

  • Telling you what you want to hear
  • Mirroring you
  • Offering false empty promises for the future
  • Creating a false persona of the perfect person for you
  • He/she is creating a ‘high’ that you will become addicted to, and find difficult to leave

I remember reading an Allen Carr book about quitting smoking. He asked people if when they started smoking that they thought they would be smoking for the next 30 years, or even the rest of their life? Of course  they said no.

If someone had asked you at the beginning of the relationship with the sociopath, do you want to be abused for the rest of this relationship? Are you agreeing to be controlled? Are you agreeing to being manipulated, and losing your own identity to be whoever the sociopath wants you to be?

Of course, if you were told this in the beginning, you would have said a straight, flat out NO!! Instead, you are sold a pack of lies, a false persona, and an illusion. You fall in love with what you ‘think’ is reality.

This is often what drug dealers do. A memory of this to illustrate, is because of my work, I knew that crack cocaine could be very addictive. When it first came to my city, drug dealers were handing heroin addicts a rock of crack, free with every deal of heroin. I recall saying to the person who was telling me about this, that this was crack cocaine. The punter said ‘yeah I know, it’s coke all the stars take it’…he didn’t think it was a big deal. He was being sold the illusion – not the reality. What he was actually being sold was an illusion of a different drug, that was more socially acceptable, and  glamorous.  It wasn’t long of course, before he had a crack cocaine habit. It was later that he realised that had he had been conned, but it was too late – he was now addicted to both crack and heroin.

The addiction of the sociopath high

The sociopath, just like the drug dealer in the above example, exploits your weaknesses to later manipulate and control you. He offers you something that you think you need, or are looking for in your life. Feeling that you are getting what you need, you become hooked. After all, you are being sold your dreams. Positive thoughts about yourself, are sold back to you. You feel a high, and euphoric.

Later in the relationship, as the truth starts to unravel, you see that you have been lied to, conned. You struggle to believe the truth, and partially you don’t want to either. You don’t want the dream to be a con. You want it to be reality.

The euphoric feeling that drug users feel, is not real. It is felt when the drug is taken. Taking the drug gives you the fix. If it felt bad all the time, people would never become addicted to drugs. At first it feels good. The drug dealer continues to feed you, whilst taking all of your money for what he is giving you. It is when you cannot afford to pay, but you still have the addiction to the high, that the problems start to surface. You are now hooked, under the sociopaths control.

Escaping the sociopath and the lure of addiction

The sociopath will continue to contact you, play victim, promise to change. You will question your mind.  After all you are now ADDICTED – and you want the GOOD feeling….. you just don’t want the BAD that goes with it.

The good feelings are all in your head. This is not real life. In fact that longing for the good feeling is actually bad for your health.

The longer that you stay with it, the more (just like a drug user) you will lose. You risk losing

  • Yourself, your self worth, self confidence, self esteem, reputation
  • Your home
  • Friends and family
  • Finances

Like a drug user you risk then becoming isolated. Others do not understand.

Have you ever quit smoking?

It’s like that.  Leaving a sociopath is very similar to this. You have to go through the withdraw period. Just like it is important not to smoke ONE cigarette…. it is also important to have NO contact with the sociopath. Having contact will give you a short time fix for the drug that you are craving, that euphoric high – but also the cycle for more will continue.

If you ever have quit smoking, you will know that the longer that you go without, the easier it gets over time.

See this as an addiction. Something that is NOT good for your health. Yes, you might feel weak or broken right now, but that is because the sociopath has taken your strength, but it is still there within you.


Keep moving forward, and live a healthy life, sociopath free!! :)

Copyright 2013

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206 thoughts on “The relationship with the sociopath is over – so why can’t you let go? – Take me to your drug dealer!”

  1. This is soooo true! Please help me! I was in a relationship with a sociopath for eight years. He abandoned me by silence treatment earlier this year. And i called him a couple months later, which lead to a reunion. He was sweet in the begining and wired me a lot of money. Now i really want to leave him because he acts all crazy again..constantly critisizing me…but am feeling guity to do so. Im afraid that ill need his help so weak and inconfidance and unsure about the future…what should i do? He kept saying that ill only be able to have a well to do life with him..otherwise i will marry someone whos poor and stupid..i know it sounds insane but i truly feel like this could be true if i ever leave me! Help!

  2. I worry that I’ve become every bad thing he ever accused me of. I was not able to face the utter loneliness & destruction in all sectors of my life. Because I was older and he took those last few good years. Also, I had no family and no real friends as I was fast learning. Now I’m paying for not fighting harder for myself after he left. Because the truth is I did give up. Things fell apart sooo fast and I was surrounded by people with his same mentality. I was the prey. I got bullied, couldn’t look people in the eye, afraid to go out of the house….

    1. Hey there are no last year’s until you are dead (unless you are 96 of course). What you are talking about is very complicated it’s the mind trip that they play on you. Read my blog from the beginning (listed on the side old posts) go back to Feb 2013). You will see how he met you, mirrored you then got your insecurities… Offered to solve them and then used shame to belittle you… He focused on your insecurities… The longer that you break free the more you will be able to see what has happened. They deliberately creat dependency and addiction and show you your weaknesses to make you feel worthless. You can come out the other side I promise.

  3. I just cant believe i’ve just woken up to what he’s been doing for 3 years. ive had a horrible feeling in the pit those of my atomach the whole time but was convinced that it was my insecurity and paranoia. why would anyone say such beautiful things and go to those lengths if they didnt really love me? im sickened and just feel duped exhausted and ridiculous. even after we split he tried to brainwash me. i caught him out in his lies because i had to prove i wasnt crazy. before i was with him i was feisty, fun and pretty now i feel worthless, ugly and stupid. even
    worse is im still obsessing while hes out catching new prey. sickened. im glad there are people i can talk to about this because i feel

  4. sometimes that ive glimpsed evil and i cant express to anyone how much it’s scared me. even thoae who’ve been telling me from the beginning to stay away still consider him to be ‘messed up’ not the calculating, cold manipulator that ive uncovered. sometimes though. im struggling to deal with the idea he might not even have had any affection towards me. can sociopaths feel affection?

    1. Yes I think they can seen. In terms that they own and consume you. It’s more about ownership, possession and control but they can feel very attached to someone also if it’s in their interests.

  5. your website is my saviour at the moment. i re read an email hed sent which said that we were made for each other- it had been written in the stars and that he thinks we’ll be together forever. do you think they mean what they say in the moment? what is the purpose of that? is that to keep me attached to him and if so why? if he really doesnt love me why would he want that person fawning all over him. if i didnt love someone i’d avoid them- their presence would

  6. apologies for the many questions. he also denied all knowledge after i had spoken on the phone with his other girlfriend. i told him that i knew everything, put everything i knew out there, and his response was ‘i dont know what you’re talking about, please, i dont understand’ is he a sociopath or perhaps just mentally insane?! i was doing well forgetting about him for a time and i felt lighter- now im rehashing everything and i feel ill again. goddam. thank you for your site x

  7. Sweetie, let me tell you my story. My ex sociopath left me for another woman in another state. I found out the same day he was on a bus and I called the woman. He came back to san jose and I saw him and he denied everything said they were friends and it would be a long time he got envolved. The whole time he was here visiting friends he bragged how good his new life was. They are liars and they will go to any lenght to cover there sick minds. You can’t believe anything that comes out of there mouth. I know this after 8 years of hell. Trust your intuitions and read about them.

    1. thats horrible. after 8 years?did he come crawling back? how long ago? i got a 10 page rambling letter telling me that he just didnt want to live without me and he wanted what we used to have. im the love of his life, i hope to god u give me another chance, i went for a coffe with a girl and it made me realise how much i love you. the WHOLE time he was telling this other girl he wanted to marry her and take her away and move in together. on the plus side shes really nice and i have a friend and ally now.

      1. No, he just came back to visit his family and see his dog he left with me. This was a year ago but 16 months gone. He tried to text me last sept with some chain letter I ignored it and havent heard anything but that hes happy and in love. He calls hes friends asks about me but thats it. I lost 8 years of my life 60 now seeing a therapist for ptsd of him abuse physically and finically and mentally

  8. they can only be sent to better us maybe and to make us appreciate the real people all the more. thats how im consoling myself at the moment. hope your life is improving every day x

  9. Seenthelight – couldn’t agree more! I’ve viewing my experience as a life lesson… I had just seperated and in he crept like a parasite.
    I’m now stronger than ever after the worst hurt I think I’d ever experienced, and know I had a lucky escape (people keep telling me I was way too good for him, boy were they right after finding out he didn’t even have a home!).
    I feel nothing but pity for him, he’s on Facebook under a different name adding all manner of random girls as friends now, all over the country, waiting for the next supply.
    Keep on smiling people, we are free!!!!

  10. how long were u together lilyrose? what kind of trixks did he pull to lure u back? yeah mine went back on the dating site the day he got discovered by both of us! no shame, no embarrassment, no laying low, just a really bad profile and some ugly pics of his dead souless face and the tagline ‘lets do this’. he owes me and my dad a lot of money. i always knew he was a loser but i thought a loser that meant well. nope hes a pantomime villain with no shame. im embarrassed that i ever took his lies for truth but yes, has to be a good life lesson here. i will never assume that everyone has a moral code again i will look for proof xx

  11. Thankfully only 3 months, but he pretty much moved in, so spent lots of time with him.

    I’ve been lucky as I had an email a couple of weeks after I uncovered him for the soulless liar that he is, stating the whole “you’re the love of my life” blah blah and the odd text but that’s about all the contact he has made thankfully!

    He works away at festivals during the summer, so wall to wall females… I’ll put money on it that he will crawl from under his rock in the winter as the season calms down (I met him last December where he didn’t have much work on and clearly not enough attention).

    I was embarrassed at being stung at first, but now I just think he’s a pathetic emotionally dead thing that will never know love.

    It has made me look at people in a different way..,, and my trust has been knocked a bit, but I’m working through it :)

    If it’s too good to be true, then it probably is x

  12. The ONLY way to get back yourself is no contact policy. I was married to one for 16 years, 2 kids, feeling sorry for him, explaining his lies, etc.I thought he understands me like no one else. Now, from perspective I know he just mirrored myself, using me. I can see clearly. He is with another victim now, she is standing by him like I was despite the prove everybody gave her. I wish she would see…
    I can see now how fake his emotions and life is, he can change friends, forget family members, even kids overnight, change religion, basically get new identity without any remorse or second thought. Run or you will never see things clearly….

  13. I was trapped myself with one for 8long miserable yrs. I just cut the cord cold turkey a week ago, its been hard only because like normal people none of the behavior makes any sense. I caught him in yet another lie, with a woman that I already knew about…just 1 of many. I could go into the whole terrible story of all the cold heartbreaking and emotionally and mentally draining things I experienced with him, but I wont! refuse to feel sorry for myself. I take full responsibility for staying around, I didnt know any better and when we finally see these soulless individuals for who they are, the pity party stops. Just move fwd and DO NOT LOOK BACK! Its hard, but you have to be positive, and know deep deep down at the core of your heart and soul you DESERVE BETTER! You are still beautiful, smart, funny, and the fearless person you were before & after u encountered evil. You have to take time to heal your self, settle your emotions, be kind to your heart. These people are shepards for the devil. Learn,embrace the pain u feel because that is normal, Then let go. Do all the things u forgot about or couldn’t, you are free now. The truth will heal u and set you free literally. Bless us all, its gonna be alright I promise all of you. Be strong, be encouraged that u are not alone. Move fwd, in peace & happiness : ) the lies, cheating, and abuse is OVER. DO NOT GO BACK. YOU ARE WORTHY OF REAL LOVE. These people are incapable of that, and will eventually self destruct. The best revenge…cause I know most of us due to extreme betrayal want that…but again the best revenge is to have zero contact, to move on with your life and embrace true and authentic happiness. They dont want u to be happy cause they never will, their lives are one big lie. Your new life now is one filled with wisedom and truth. Time heals all wounds…be strong my loves! It can only get better, the worst is now BEHIND YOU : )

  14. Just what I needed to read on a slow Sunday afternoon. Thank you Tam. The last week I’ve felt a bit better, having made a consistent effort not to look at anything to do with him. When I’m busy he really does seem insignificant and small and I wonder how I made my life revolve around him for so long. I’m happy that I’m getting my identity back and all the things I loved which were worthy of it :-) love and blessings to all of you who are in the same boat xxx

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