The dripping tap of emotional abuse in the Sociopath and Narcissist relationship

dripping tap

When you go into the relationship with the sociopath, things seem absolutely perfect. The sociopath embodies perfection, all that you are looking for and you are thrilled to bits that he seems to see you, as perfect too.

Of course, this is all an illusion and a lie. The sociopath is simply being who you want him to be. He is being a mirror image of the best side of you.

The shift in behaviour pattern

Once the sociopath has lured you into his web, and captured you, taken possession of you the games can begin.

Remember I wrote how the pattern is always the same

  • Assessment
  • Seducing
  • Gaming
  • Ruining

Once the sociopath goes into gaming you will see another pattern emerge. It is a way of controlling you, isolating you, and keeping you captive.

If you have friends, and an active social life, at first the sociopath being charismatic, might appear to be happy about this, and will do all that he can to seduce your friends. They now are also deceived into thinking that he is the right person for you. You are pleased that your friends approve. Things couldn’t feel more perfect. You are on a high, and riding on the crest of a wave.

Once the sociopath has you under his control, it is now time to remove other people who might take up your time, or worse, convince you, that this person is not right for you. The sociopath now sees you as somebody that he owns (his possession). At this point, you have just been through the seduction stage, and everything is heavy with anticipation of a bright and brilliant future with your perfect soul mate.  You have no idea what is about to come next.

The sociopath wants full ownership of you. To achieve this he will need to remove other people. The sociopath becomes jealous of other people in your life.

Behind closed doors, away from public view, a new pattern starts to emerge, the sociopath will

  • Make comments about your friends
  • Accuse them of negative personality traits
  • Deliberately set up situations so that you are perceived in a bad light

An example of this type of behaviour (how many of you experienced this?)

You had a wide circle of friends – and you went out drinking socially at the weekend with them, the first comments would be

  • Think your friends are alcoholics
  • He/she is a bit easy

You, the victim, because you have been seduced, and are now thinking that you are in the ‘perfect’ relationship, you don’t want your perfect partner to think badly about you. So, you begin to distance from your friends.  If you don’t the pressure will continue, and you will likely hear the next line:

I think you are an alcoholic. You seem to have a problem

You are now devastated. You know that this is not true. You are not an alcoholic. You barely drink, you have only been seeing your friends as you always did.

You are keen to show to the sociopath that you are not an alcoholic.   You stop seeing those friends, you stop going out. You don’t want the sociopath to think badly of you. You were once ‘perfect’ to the sociopath. So you start to arrange your life, to continue being that ‘perfect’ person.

This is just the beginning…..

Now the sociopath has moved from seduction, to gaming. The game reverses. You are now doing all that you can to please your partner. To prove that you are not the person that he says you are. You look at your friends, and you think is this how I am perceived? We were just out having a good time?

It doesn’t occur to you that the sociopath is jealous. Not having those close friendships of his own, your friendships make him feel insecure, and worried that he is about to lose you.

He will tell you this. You are keen to reassure, it is not like this. You give more attention and focus to your disordered partner, and forget about your own needs. You are now striving to make someone else happy, and starting to lose your own identity.

The longer that you stay with this type of person the worse that it will become. Once the tap starts dripping, it is never turned off. The tap continues to drip drip drip…. feeding negativity into you, until you start to feel very bad about yourself. You do not know why or why something that started off so perfect is now going so badly wrong.

There is only one reason why. You are being emotionally abused. Emotional abuse will not stop, not until you remove yourself. Turn off the tap, and establish no contact.

After a while, that dripping tap becomes overwhelming… it starts to get bigger than you. You are constantly reassuring your disordered partner, and doing your best, but it is never enough and it is never good enough. You will never be able to fulfil someone who is emotionally damaged. They will suck the life out of you.

No matter what the promises are that they will change. They will not change. The sociopath cannot change.

Set yourself free. Establish no contact. Keep to no contact. No contact will turn off the tap…. within time, you will heal, and you will recover :)

Copyright © datingasociopath.com 2013

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182 thoughts on “The dripping tap of emotional abuse in the Sociopath and Narcissist relationship”

    1. I can’t believe there are so many women out there that have gone through the same things as I did, it’s helpful to read the posts.

      1. Thank you welcome to the site Kristi. I found it useful to know that it wasn’t just me. Started this site as I wanted to write about my experiences – so that others would also join to create a community which provides support for those who are leaving abusive relationships.

      2. Hi Kristi :)

        Yep the whole gangs here :)
        Welcome & know your not alone & yes it’s quite an eye-opener when you realise how many of us exist.
        The tide is turning & through support forums/blogs, we are finding each other & our truths :)
        Awareness, answers & validation is ours :)
        Love & Light :)

        PR xoxo

      3. I love that you say love and light! Thank you for all your advice and knowledge, please if you ever get the chance look at my YouTube channel Alex march energy and let me know what you think :)

      4. I will definitely have a look & thank you for sharing :)

        We all need to be like the Sun & Shine :)

        For you :)

        Love & Light Always :)

        PR xoxo

      5. Love It!!! Your gorgeous inside & out ;)
        Haven’t watched it all but, I will….again thanks for sharing YOU :)

        PR xoxo

    2. Hi everyone! I am just getting over a sociopath. Or rather my own addiction to him. This website has been a jewel and I cannot thank you enough for helping me through this time.

      It started 3 months ago when a most charming, intense, manly, sexy and sensitive man walked into my life.. or so I thought. Within two days he was telling everyone, including myself that he found the love of his life. He introduced me to his family after a month and a half (flying me out to another city across the country). Meanwhile, he wanted me to include him on the newsletters that I write to my employees and clients (I run a company). Then he would pick up on details from those newletters and weave them into subsequent conversations.

      Wait, we didn’t really have conversations as such. He was either talking about himself and about the next grandiose plan he has for himself and for us. Or, he was telling me how great I was and how deeply in love he was with me. I soaked up all the attention.

      Sexually, he was behaving very strangely. He would tease and then stop. It happened over and over again and when I called him on this cruel behaviour, he blamed it on my being inconsiderate.

      AFter two months he began to rage with foam coming out of his mouth as he screamed over me. He is 6 foot 4, and I am morethan a foot shorter than him, so a big man screaming over me mae my hair stand up on end.

      He also began to ask me things such as, “what do you see in me?” only to be reassured that I was still crazy about him. I realized that he loved to have his ego stroked so I did it. Any text message I sent with compliment would be followed by a phone call from him. He wanted me to expand. “What did you mean when you said that (nice) thing about me?”

      Once in a while, I would see a glimpse of a very different man. He would become extremely cold and impassive. These were just momentary glimpses though.

      After three months, while on a trip together, he began to stonewall me. He withdrew completely. We returned from the trip and I didn’t hear from him for days.

      I decided to contact an ex-girlfriend of his. He had dated her 4 years prior for 1.5 years. He is a 46-year-old an whose longest relationship was with her.

      She still keeps being a bit of a source for him as he calls her when he is down and out. And she had great advice for me. She told me to get out because he uses people, manipulates, withholds sex (or may be gay), lived off of her the entire time they were together, rages, stonewalls and in between that mistreatment, can be charming and warm and appear loving.

      I am grateful for contacting her and for validating my own story. After all, I was beginning to think that I had been selfish, that essentially him going cold on me was my fault. He was very good at turning every situation around to make it look like everything was someone else’s fault.

      I am glad it was only three months. I have to say, though, I have never felt so damaged in my life after a relationship. Again, glad it didn’t continue.

      1. Wow! I am so glad you were able to connect with the ex as quickly as you did. And the damage takes time to mend, but you are a better person for having experienced this. You have a knowledge that could help protect you in the future and maybe even help others find validation, too. :)

      2. Hi Veevee,
        Welcome to the site, it is quite a roller coaster ride so, just be gentle with yourself & your healing. It doesn’t matter how long you were in it, because the effect they have is mind & life altering. I think because we cannot fathom being without empathy or a conscience takes a lot to get your head around especially after being duped by these predators :(
        You will be okay, read everything but, most of all concentrate on your healing & stay no contact as he will pull you back in for further abuse, lies & manipulation. Remember it’s just a game to him, like chess.

        Love & light :)
        PR xoxo

      3. Dear Pheonix Rising,
        Thanks for your words of encouragement.

        I admit I actually broke the No Contact rule a few days ago. I actually felt a pang of sadness over the loss of what I thought could have been and I also felt pity for the big slug of a man that he is. I texted him a kind message, without groveling, and his reply was abolutely cutting. In the same sentence he frist called me with a term of endearment and then told me to never contact or come near him again. In the same sentence! It does not fail to amaze to what level of cruelty and calculation he can descend to. Unbelievable!!!

      4. Awww Veevee :(
        It’s so hard letting them go :(
        You must stay No Contact for your own sake otherwise as you now know the pain repeats again :(
        I am sorry you are so hurt but, he uses your love for him against you, they all do :(
        You are not at fault here, nor do you deserve his abuse or cruelty.
        You must believe in yourself & strive to truly love yourself better than he ever could.
        He may return & say he’s sorry but, don’t be fooled as he will just do it all over again when another supply source is available.
        We are all here, & we are all worthy of better, we just have to work hard, really hard & regaining our strength. We don’t need them to validate us, they need us to validate them & supply their selfish needs.
        We are all better than that & the only person we need to supply is ourselves :)

        Love & Light, it does get better, just give it time :)
        PR xoxo….NO CONTACT or more of the same pain….you deserve so much more :)

      5. Veevee I breathed a huge sigh if relief to hear that you got out!! I too did! with another psycho that I met online (didn’t know it was rich pickings for them, so many people online who will to believe negative things about themselves- like me). That “switch” is so frightening OMG! After I saw it, I started distancing from him, then I told him I was leaving -he turned into a cold satan like figure coming to strangle me. I escaped!! It’s been a year, but I still remember that fear like it was yesterday. I think I could have been killed. I feel that we both escaped a devastating outcome. These psychos are so dangerous that’s why we have to learn to identify them early on and start felling better about ourselves, not so readily believe those horrible negative things about ourselves. Wow! Thank you for sharing that. I so know where you’re coming from. I hear you totally. I am greatful for you, positivegirl, for this massively insightful awareness you guys share so freely. I really needed it.

  1. Exactly! The act of isolation is not easily detected. It isn’t right out there in the open. It is subtle. There is never a, “you can’t do this or see them”. If it had been, I wouldn’t have submitted to it. It was pure manipulation.

    1. Yes, it is absolutely subtle, like a dripping tap. I hadn’t seen my ex in a while, and I did for a few days. Obviously I have changed a lot since I had seen him last, and I watched him – it wasn’t about this, but it was about other people. I was starting to build my life again.

      Control
      Isolation
      Winning

      I took a step back – and thought wow that is how you did it? I had wondered…. now I know.,…. subtle mind tricks.

      How are you doing anyway, I was thinking of you earlier today and wondering how you are?

      1. I am doing great. I have been in contact with the ‘last’ woman he was with. He was trying to contact me again as he was still playing her. Little did he know that she and I were talking. It was amazing to watch what he was doing. I thought…”he is doing to her what he did to me the whole time”. She has since moved on and so have I. I don’t feel sad too much anymore, just anger. I am so much stronger now.

      2. Yes me too…. I really feel that it is in my past. Or at least he is. I won’t be going back there. I really don’t want to.

        My life is taking off in a new direction. Am loving writing. its a good feeling. My energy is going into something worthwhile, rather than someone who took all the time and gave very little in return.

        Good for you!!! It is really good to hear that, thanks for letting me know :)

    1. Hey long time no speak. it is great to look back at it, and know that it is not my current situation. I really feel for those who are still stuck in it.

      How are things with you?? Nice to hear from you!! :)

      1. I know what you mean.. I think sometimes I can still feel those emotions.., and sometimes it feels like I’m completely free… It’s going to take time to heal, but at least I’m out of it!! Btw I voted for your blog in the cosmopolitan blog award, really hope u will get it :)

      2. Thank you for voting for me!! Really appreciated!! :) Am glad to hear that you are on the road to recovery and moving in the right direction!! That’s great to hear!!!

  2. Yes! Yes! Yes! Although I’ve been out a long while (but the topic still facinates me) I experiened this. All my friends were “hookers” and “whores” (They were really all elementary school teachers. LOL!) Upon looking back I think the biggest mind trick they use is constantly keeping us on the defensive about EVERYTHING. And we lose ourselves constantly trying to prove them wrong.

    1. YES absolutely Deb!! Isn’t this just the way that it is, and you start to question your own mind.

      They say those things with SUCH conviction, and keen to show yourself in a good light, you start to change for them. When realistically you are being abused, isn’t it good to be free? :)

      1. So true! I finally have enough distance to actually find the humor in some of his behaviors. I WANT him to hate me. I want him to think I’m a whore or a loser or ugly or whatever. If crazy people think badly of me, then I’m doing pretty good! I’ll worry when sane people say the same things :)

    2. Ha ha yes mine told me my friends were hookers and whores too! They all seem to have the same script. Then when he didn’t manage to isolate me from my one remaining friend he told me she had “touched his muscles” at our wedding and was quite obviously coming on to him. Yeah right! He used to tell me all my family were after my money and that my kids would put me in an old peoples home in years to come. When he realised he was losing control the real person (?) revealed himself…I was called slut, whore, bitch, and my body devalued and degraded verbally…then he said “I will tell your dad all your dirt on you and your sis”…wtf?!? I will go on your website….and ??? (Obv trying to make me think he would hack my website)…This was followed by apologies (yet again) and how much he loves me etc. I DID NOT REPLY! Ha…karma hopefully will now bite him in his evil ass..

      1. Yes, they love to speak to women that way slut, whore, bitch. It was when this was coming out of his vile mouth that I saw him change, his facial expression changed, his face drained of colour, his eyes turned black. It really was like staring into the face of evil.

      2. Hi Pos :)

        They really are the most patterned behaviorists that I have ever heard of. If they think they are so superior then, why are they all the same. There is nothing original about them. They don’t have creativity, imagination, spontaneity, authenticity, integrity, nothing but gleaners of all our natural abilities of the aforementioned.
        Superiority or beings with this capability are those with great intuitive powers & the self awareness of living with truth & love from spirit. Those people are the true & inspiring individuals :)
        Not one superior trait in lying, cheating, gaming, conning, manipulating,preying etc…just a survival code for the unfeeling, uncaring,self serving, shallow & hollow Sociopath.
        Calling names & devaluing people is not a positive way to operate so, if you give out so much negative energy as the Soc does in thoughts & actions, it does invariably doom them in the long run. It would be like groundhog day in hell for them, same game, different name but, nevertheless endless.
        I’d rather wake up everyday & think WOW it’s going to be a great day, they would wake & be on guard for the day! They wake up & think, let the game begin, which would be a terrible existence but, that’s just it, they exist but, never truly live!
        We have real life & love & sadness & grief but, we are really living, not just existing. They are functional dysfunctional’s ;) Oxymoron’s or just plain morons really ;)

        Love & Light :)
        PR xoxo

      3. It is incredible how the pattern repeats. For me, I was very aware of it. I wrote, and then I would read back earlier things that I had written and the same thing happened all over again. Indeed it is a game. What is sad, is that because they play a game, they are paranoid that you are. So constantly check on you and accuse you.

      4. So true & the barrage of calls & the accusations was endless. I also discussed how they like to keep you sleep deprived, especially when you are stressed etc…as that lowers your alertness & then they game you even more, at least that was my experience. Also I know our brains produce chemicals to help us cope/survive that are released emotionally so, it they don’t have those chemical responses then, as we know that is why they can stay ahead of us.
        As we try to fathom our own chemical reactions, I was often dulled by surges of dopamine/cortisone under stress so, that’s something I think weakens us against them. I was often confused & very disoriented when he was on form!
        I’d like to hear your thoughts on this as I truly believe that this is what gives them the most power over us, not just emotionally but, physically.
        I think that it can also lead us to illness, which we know is a fact but, one that the sociopath also realizes, another way to destroy us.
        This is why it is imperative to really work on the healing otherwise these triggers can release health impacts that can be long term :(

        Love & light :)
        PR xoxo

  3. Out of interest (you aren’t the only blogger I’ve asked but I’ve never had a reply I’ve deemed as adequate) why don’t non-sociopaths ever mention disempathetic sociopaths? It’s almost like you write off an entire section because it doesn’t fit in with your conception that a sociopath can’t care because the other types can’t (I’m not saying you do but it often seems that way)

      1. I’d look it up if I were you then, between Hare and some guy called Lykken (I think that’s how it’s spelt) there are 7 types of sociopath. Disempathic sociopaths (the type I belong to) disprove a number of your assertions of always btw

      2. My ex would say ‘but I do feel feelings’ …. his behaviour didn’t show that when he would have a meltdown when he was losing control.

        That said – he did have a lot of good points. I do like him as a person a lot. I saw him display empathy – yes, but then it is not empathetic to lie to someone, or to deceive someone. That is not thinking of the other person at all? So I am confused?

    1. I have just looked it up. That is interesting. I didn’t know it existed. So they have empathy for a small group of people (so say). How does anyone know that to be true. The only thing that is true, and is important (remember I write for the victim not the sociopath) is that they all follow the same patterns, there is a difference between distempered and charismatic. I have written about that (I dated one after the other).

      As for the rest of it, that is not really important. As if the person is behaving with empathy – to their partner – that wouldn’t really be relevant to my blog. As I write about dating a sociopath (in terms of healing and recovery for victims) if that type of sociopath was good to his/her partner, there wouldn’t be a problem?

      Or do I have that wrong?

      All that I do know is that the patterns I write about and describe, are accurate. I know that they are because I wrote it often as it happened. He read what I wrote, and other victims identify with it.

      This blog is written – the truth will set you free, to help people cut ties with the sociopath and the psychopathic bonding. To write the truth, as the truth really will set you free.

      1. Assuming I was diagnosed correctly I know, it is still sociopathy (the name is dating a sociopath not dating only sociopaths that are bad for you (OK I agree your one sounds better))

        Your blog could be read by someone who has just been told in full faith by their partner that the partner is a sociopath, the someone will assume that the partner is seducing them, can’t possibly love them and will fall into the habits you describe. Not only do you hurt the socio (al beit I doubt you care as much about that) the socio will now no longer care for the someone and set about destroying them as they are now a liability. (I know it’s an extreme case but people rarely listen over trivial matters)

      2. That doesn’t make logical sense JK, no matter how you want to fit it.

        Firstly, the first thing that a partner does is read EVERYTHING because they DON’T want it to be true. There is a fog of confusion,and you desperately don’t want it to be true. You love the person but not the behaviour.

        IF someone read my blog, and they were told the person was a sociopath, they would read it and if the behaviour didn’t fit, I would be telling the what they wanted to hear – that their partner is NOT a sociopath.

        I didn’t want my partner to be a sociopath. I loved him, but I didn’t love his erratic behaviour (not all the time) as I said he healed me from PTSD. We did get on. We split as a normal couple would., Each of us thanking the other for what we gave to each other. being grateful that we had met each other.

        I don’t write from a victim mentality for that reason. I do write the truth.

        if someone had a partner who was diagnosed sociopath – and they read my blog, couldn’t make sense of the behaviour – they really would say – NO…. this isn’t him/her – because this is what we desperately want to be truth.

        Nobody wants to know that the person they are in love with has a psychological disorder, that can not be treated. That there is no cure. It is absolutely devastating. Especially in cases like mine, where we did for the most part actually get on and had genuine common interests. But the truth is the truth.

      3. So true Positivagirl…the patterns are always identical in behavior. We all appreciate your post for our healing and our recovery. You have helped me and countless others..Kudos to you for your dedication and hard work, Those who dont agree have not experienced a true Sociopath as we have and have seen their true form. Cant please everyone.

    2. Do you mean the ones who have the ability to have feelings for a closed group of people. Close family and friends. Maybe a dog? Maybe a child? But you must be their friend, child loved-one FOREVER according to the sociopath’s definition of love…or WATCH OUT! I think “disempathic” is just a term sociopath’s created so they look better. They all show this trait in the love-bombing/idolization phase. They are just as dangerous, in my opinion. They are selective and can make the “non-select” feel equally diminished.

      1. OK just because the love is conditional what right do you have to say it’s not love? No a psychologist created the term. I kind of agree can be dangerous but everyone is selective to some extent. (Actually I somehow ended up with a phobia of dogs)

      2. Love is not conditional (it might be in your eyes) love should be unconditional!!!

        A psychologist (I say this from 27 years experience working with homeless) having counselling qualifications. Is only going to hear what the person wants you to hear, this is especially true, with a sociopath (I must have worked with hundreds) – in an intimate relationship – we see the truth. Not the bullshit that is offered to the therapist. How many sociopaths actually seek treatment, and why would they?

        1. They are told there is no cure
        2. They would have a label

        Why would anybody want that?

        Also I don’t hate sociopaths either. I would have thought that should be clear from my writing as well.

        When you control with fear – you will eventually lose.

      3. And why pray may I ask are my eyes less valuable than yours? Apart from anything that’s a hypocritical state meant because your love of your first ex was conditional of him not turning into a guttersnipe

    3. If you are one, then I am honoured that you haven’t ripped me apart anymore than you did!! :)

      I am not here, offering a psychology lesson. It really is to help people heal and recover. That is it really. There is a lot that does interest me. One thing, is the correlation between PTSD and sociopathy. That is an interesting one, that I have never read research on, but it would be an interesting study.

      1. In an anonymous internet blog what would be the point in ripping into you more than that which is true (shows I don’t accuse you unnecessarily for one). About you ex well even you lot can show little to no empathy when in a rage and human beings, even you lot, are taught to lie from a young age (socios just do it better) – it might not be empathetic to lie but I know I lie a lot to protect myself from prosecution from bias and to fit in I have to “care” about stuff that I really don’t

      2. I think that there needs to be more research into sociopathy. As I know what I saw (honestly) was a man with a good heart, but it was his brain. Which was often triggered by something from the past. A bit like a PTSD trigger.

      3. You often write the truth (there’s a few points I disagree with as you should have realised by now but nothing major), yeah more research is required but I don’t know much about PTSD so I can’t help you there

      4. How do you get someone who cant tell the truth, proper therapy? I think that people who lie all the time, often do out of fear.

        Fear of rejection
        Fear of not being accepted
        Fear of being exposed

        Over time it becomes a habit. One that is very hard to break.

        Maybe I am wrong? You tell me.

      5. Yeah but being rejected by society is easy to fear when you can’t care about all the things that are so important to you guys

      6. So…. are you saying that you have ‘selective empathy’…. how many sociopaths did it take to blag that one. How can you have selective empathy?

        You either have it or you don’t? Surely?

      7. Doesn’t it mean that you have empathy for those in your close circle?

        But if that same person left your circle you would no longer have empathy for that person?

        Isn’t that selective empathy? Or do I have that wrong?

      8. Empathy is the ability to understand someone else’s emotions/feelings I don’t have that at all and rely on how people have reacted in the past, logic and often just guessing(sometimes wrongly) what I have is the ability to care about them whether I understand how someone feels or not

      9. I think that causes a problem (well a big one) sometimes. The guessing and getting it wrong.

        As the person can feel that they are being falsely accused. That is a real problem that I witnessed from the other side. Sometimes he was accurate and other times way off the mark.

        I found his need to have to be nosey and controlling, really overwhelming.

    4. Years ago, in Victorian England, it was called ‘Moral Insanity’….. I think that is the most accurate label I have heard. Because it is truthfully morally insane.

      1. There is a code of conduct. A sense of morality that the majority of the population adhere to. For me, I guess it would come under the 10 commandments? it is the closest thing.

        It is about respect for others. About putting others needs before yourself (for no other gain) than caring for the other person.

        it is to do with logical thinking and processing in the brain. Sociopaths seem to not want to drive people away. Especially those that they have a connection with (a real one) in terms of common interests etc. But they cannot help but ‘test’ and fear losing I think….. so they do the very thing, that does ultimately push people away.

      2. The ten commandments can be written in about 4 and the ones about God I fail to see how they have anything to do with morality (but I’m an atheist so hey), a very vague sense that is mostly enforced by law (honestly there was a police strike somewhere and they had to call in the army a few hours later, you can’t tell me that was entirely done by people with empathy disorders

      3. Load of the police are psychopaths anyway!! :) Plenty of the love the rioting. It is perfect.

        Law, why is it that the sociopath (yes the), uses the law to control people when they have done wrong themselves?

        Control I guess.

      4. It doesn’t matter what your morals are. You could think killing is good or you could think rape is acceptable. The sociopath would agree with you until he decided to demoralize you for having those morals that he also “claimed” to have. Bottom line, morality is subjective and the sociopath will take on your morals and values just to tear you apart in the end. That is “morally insane.” Pretending to care and love someone for reasons used against them in the future just because they are naturally inclined to do so. It’s not even a choice for a sociopath. They just do it.

      5. Yeah and I can’t really buy it that someone has ‘selective empathy’…. that is ridiculous. Must have taken a few sociopaths to convince gullible therapists of that one!! :)

      6. I didn’t, I said a lot of police are psychopaths. I said that sociopaths use the law to control others.

        For example, they steal something or owe something. When challenged or threatened, they use law enforcement to control the other person.

  4. You captured this brilliantly. This is exactly what happened with McDad (see my posts).
    Such a good description …dripping tap.

  5. The lying = control. Psychopathy is all about control. By lying, the P is controlling your reality and is also controlling how much you know about their reality. It all goes together.

  6. Wow love this. This matches up with the story I am telling on my blog exactly. Gives me great clarity and confirmation that I am not alone. Surely these sociopaths all go to Sociopath school together somewhere!?!

    1. Thanks Simone. If they all act the same, and have the same responses. It HAS to be something that was learned in childhood, to be able to cope. And that became part of their make up. To all act exactly the same and follow the same behaviour, this is learned behaviour, from as far back as childhood.

  7. I agree with you, but the tactics are all identical, down to the very last dot, it is mind blowing. It’s age old yet we all walk around pretty much oblivious to this epidemic. So frustrating when you have to leave people behind who simply cannot see it for the life of them and it doesn’t help matters that we ourselves stayed so long – “If it was so bad, why were you there so long then?” Grrrrr
    Good and (hidden) evil are what Walt Disney movies are made of yet we didn’t quite pick up on the underlying messages.

      1. There is always a pattern to the behavior. I just finally walked away after 8 years from what I believe, by definition, a sociopath. He’d charm his way back in, telling me how much he loved me… talk about marriage, moving in together, etc. This last episode, the grand finale of the ‘wrath of a sociopath’ (lol), I left him 10 months ago, he sent little crumb texts a few times, never called though. Until 2 months ago. He wanted to meet, have coffee, wanted to apologize and tell me things he was grateful for, etc. (so I don’t entirely agree w/ them not apologizing, however, these people will lie and say whatever to get whatever they want/need at that time) I wished him well, and let it be. A week later, he contacts me again, during a weekend long Tony Robbins seminar to say how grateful he was to me, “love you always”, to please talk to him, etc.. well… although apprehensive, I supported him with this, and right away he was telling me he loved me, talking about marriage, etc. Being the perfect boyfriend (but also saying negative things about my family.. which I thought was odd being he just came out of a powerful seminar about love, and peace, lol) Until the next weeklong seminar a month later. Found out he was ‘chatting it’ up with other women, found conversations in his phone, and didn’t say anything… I wanted to see his behavior to me. So I watched. He started getting distant, blaming me… said, “I was trying to be who I thought you wanted me to be”. I didn’t say anything, except that I was done. I ‘was’ crushed. So disappointed. Not really at him. At myself. Then I remember how many times this same scenario has happened since I’ve known him. Group therapies, etc… will not change a person like this. I thought it might’ve, and that’s the only reason I gave him another chance. Never again. Thank God I do not have children with this man. And it’s been a week, haven’t heard from him since. He’s too busy with his new supply he gained from the seminars. Unbelievable. But I laugh at it now…

        I am grateful and fortunate to finally ‘get it’. And to finally have enough strength and self-esteem to understand, it’s not me. I am responsible for going back over an over… but the only thing wrong with me, was him. Proud to say I am feeling happy and free.. and positive about my future. :) Also… if you still feel you can’t get away from this person… and so caught up in thoughts about him/her, I suggest looking into Al-anon (books, meetings) and read about Addictions. Get to the bottom of why you want this person… why you stay, and why you go back. People can have an obsession/addiction to another person. Just like a drug or alcohol, food, exercising. I never wanted to admit that, I thought it meant I was so desperate, or pathetic. It wasn’t until I had a conversation with someone who experienced the same, that I could admit it. There is always a reason for it. So instead of trying to figure this person out, figure out and put your energy into ‘why’ you want this person who emotionally tortures you. Now, I see this person as a bottle of Vodka (insert addiction of your choice)… and that’s it. They may have some good qualities and treat their family/friends great. But, if they are treating you in the ways described in this blog. It doesn’t matter. Leave. Don’t try to ‘win’ or ‘prove’ anything or be ‘right’.

        These people are very cunning. Believe your instincts not to trust them, no matter what they say or do. Please walk away before you waste years, like I did, and many others.

  8. Just found this site, a link from ladywithatruck.com. Wow, what a great analogy. That is exactly what happened to me in my 26 year marriage with an N. I know how could I stay so long?? I wonder now too, but in hindsight looking back, I think it lasted because I became everything he wanted me to be. And the best time of our marriage is when I devoted myself solely to him, and basically cut my friends out of my life. This is tricky in many ways: you can’t clearly see what is going on – he shapes your reality; having me all to himself was the greatest ego enhancer of all time and he got addicted to it, if showed signs of being dissatisfied he would either ramp up the charm, or punish me, which would then make me question what I was doing wrong. Oh the cycle or the dance. Well I finally woke up, and I realized this marriage was about one person, him, while marriage is actually about two people. When I brought this up to him, he shrugged and said why would he change? He was happy and his needs were being met, what incentive was there for change? Ah, maybe because I’m miserable and you love me and want me to be happy. Nope it was his way or the highway, I chose the highway!
    It was devastating, and at times still is – close to two years out- but the funny thing is that he jumped into a new relationship within months of my leaving and still called me. I implemented no contact – without telling him, and I received this raging voice mail : I still exist!!! Why did he need me to make him feel as if he existed??? I didn’t reply.
    Currently is on medical leave for clinical depression, as far as I know the GF is still in the picture, but he isn’t doing well — he back to calling me a couple of times a week, I still don’t reply. Funny I find it annoying, guess I haven’t moved on to forgiveness, for I have no pity for him. Must say I feel vindicated in some odd way – but i’m not at the finish line yet.
    Thanks for your wealth of information, I will continue to read your blogs!!!

    1. 26 years is one heck of a long time to have your thoughts manipulated and played with. You must be one hell of a woman to have your identity stolen for all of that time.

      Thanks for your support. I will have a support forum here in a few days, well Monday (when I change over to wordpress.org) or Tuesday it depends what time they do it. its nice to meet you.

      I also admire you to cope with that for such a long time. Incredible though how he still continues to contact 3 times a week… I found that they die off when they get new source for supply, that is giving them what they want.

      They are like children, and he probably saw you as a mother figure also :(

      1. Exactly, positivagirl in regards to henryhermann4′s astounding story above! One hell of a woman to be told, what I was basically told by my psycho the other night, for the upteenth time, “Why should I change, I’m happy and that’s what matters” or along those lines! You should get the badge of human guts against diabolical lovers most assuredly.

        I bumped into your thoughts on HuffPost live the other night and have been visiting this site since. I have to admit, I have many thoughts on what has happened to me, as a gay man involved with a much younger BOY who acts like a child and drags me down at every opportunity. Not to
        elaborate here, as I just read to keep myself sane and in a healing mode as I have put off the inevitable for far too long. Negative people just bring you down.

        Like the tap tap of the leaky faucet, I don’t need this in my life. And I thought love would conquer all, but it won’t in some of these cases. As I have found out that I am indeed not alone in this mess dealing with these psychos. I’ll tell more later in other sections because I do so love this format for chatting. I feel like I’ve found some fun, intelligent life forms out here in cyberland!

        God Bless for your insights and this blog!

    2. HenryHermann4 – wow. good for you! Maybe you can find forgiveness by just letting go, and accepting him for who he is. Sociopath or whatever. You’ve detached. Perfect. Show yourself some compassion… for all the things you’ve accomplished in your life, and trying to make your marriage work. Of course they will jump into a new relationship right away, they need someone stroking their egos and filling up their needs. It’s not about you. Just days before my ex tried contacting me, he was at the Dr. and was diagnosed as clinically depressed. You were part of his reliable supply. He doesn’t have it anymore, and he’s freaking. But realize, it’s all about him. Not you. Just laugh it off… and keeping moving forward. Don’t ever look back. It’s amazing how strong we really are to have put up with such a toxic relationship. Give yourself some credit! :) Love and peace to you!

  9. Thank you – this is amazing, so concise and right on. That tap-tap-tap is what’s so hard to describe to people, and what made it so hard to see how abused I was in my 11-yr marriage. He subtly then not-so-subtly got rid of all of my male friends while flirting with and making moves on all my women friends. Some fell for it, some didn’t. I couldn’t even tell them what was going on because it sounded so crazy, and honestly I wasn’t even sure I was the sane one after just a year. It was always my fault somehow that we weren’t in a honeymoon phase forever. We’ve been divorced 7 years now and only in the last couple of years could I even say the words “domestic violence” and “abuse” as being my reality. (Unfortunately, we have two children and he’s become even more mentally and emotionally abusive. I have learned to stick with facts only at all times, and to say a protection blessing before I even open his emails or texts.) Thank you for making this so simple.

    1. THank you Mlyons, this particular post was written after a long absence without the sociopath in my life. We met up one weekend and next day I saw him in the park. Of course right then I wasn’t in love with him so I wasn’t blinded by love and could see it for what it was. And there he started again. I could see through it, and see it clear as day. I came home I think it was the next day that I wrote this post. being away from it, not emotionally connected but him trying the same pattern again, made me realise what he had done and how, and why it was effective. I am pleased that it helped you. I also wrote some posts on isolation that cover the same theme, and were what I witnessed too. That and all the crazy making behaviour.

  10. Having two kids with a sociopath has been a nightmare. I feel validated reading other people’s experiences and stories. The one thing that intimidates my ex is that he is scared of the courts. So, I am going to hire a lawyer and re-do the parenting plan and once that is official, never ever be flexible with it as he will take a mile when given an inch. Emotional abuse is very difficult to prove, but I am going to try! Thanks for having a blog like this. I feel less isolated.

    1. Good Luck Cherryblossoms, make sure you engage a lawyer that understands the Sociopathic mindset. I read this somewhere so,hope it helps ?
      Stay strong & be happy :)
      Your not alone :)
      PR xoxo

      1. Thanks for that tip about a lawyer who knows something about sociopaths. I sincerely hope there is one out there!

  11. I am very new to all of this although i have been married and with one for 17 years we are recently divorced and i have been really struggling with my lose or what i thought was my lose. He has for sure moved on to his next woman and i can see her following in the same steps i did with him. but he is very good at what he does so she wont listen to any reason or good counsel where he is concerned. Reading and finding out all of this information has really helped me in my healing process. Although i still love him deeply and miss him so much i can identify those feelings and understand them much better and understand my struggle due to his manipulations. This has been a great help in the moving on and healing process. I am concerned to not fall into this trap with another man like this but this time i hope i am stronger and wiser if it should happen again. I cant believe how very real this is and how very real it is for me and my life but thank you all for sharing and for the information its helpful to know i am not the only one out there going thru this most devistating situation. There is hope for me after all of this…

    1. Hi Kristine,
      You are not alone & we understand exactly how you feel although we all have very different stories with one common denominator the Sociopath.
      My Soc finally left his wife after 25 years of marriage & moved onto me & others for the last 10 years :(
      I cannot even begin to imagine the hell he put her through although reading & knowing the traits I can pretty much guess now :(
      It is really hard realizing that you have been betrayed on so many levels & my heart goes out to you :)
      Please stay strong, we are here to help support you & Positiva & all the others here will help you as much as possible.
      I found this blog & it saved my sanity as the Soc really does a lot of damage.
      I also got support medically etc…but, finding others that actually had experienced the whole bizarre mind games etc…really helped me :)

      You are not alone, take care of you :)
      PR xoxo

      1. What i am stuggling with most is realizing and believeing that it really is wht it is that the past 17 years has been a game a lie on his part. I am trying to grasp this but really struggling with it i guess thats because istill love him so much. My love and feelings are real and true but that just makes it so much harder for me to let go and move on and easier for him toreconnect with me. He has his new victim and she is very useable and vulnerable but he still texts me and talks t me on occasion. I know i need to stop all comunication with him it is just very difficult t stop when i feel so strongly bout him. I have found that this blog ans all the information i have researched on this disorder has helped me with this struggle tremendously. I guess its just gonna be a long fighttoget myself back and to heal from all the damage he has done. He was/is very good at what he does for sure. He has got me so locked into his web but in time with freinds family & God im gonna survive this and be a better and much stronger woman and hope that my experience can be used to help others in the same situation. thank you all very much for being here sharing your stories and listening.

      2. Welcome to the site. I don’t know how it feels to be with someone long term. The carnage to my life continued for 18 months and that was enough. It turned my world upside down and there was no sense of normality during that time. All that appeared as normal was only a lie and a mask of sanity – behind that was a different scene. I did suspect – from the beginning things that didn’t add up. but didn’t want it to be true. I wanted the fantasy that I had been sold. Sadly that was all that it was, a fantasy. Welcome to the site :)

      3. Aww Kristine,

        I am sending you a HUGE HUG :)
        It’s sad enough when any relationship ends/dies but, the realization that you have been duped,used,abused & taken for granted just to amuse a Sociopath is enormous!!! :(

        Like you I cannot believe that someone you care for & love is in fact just gaming you endlessly :(
        Still they need us to feed their ego’s etc…& we give til it hurts (literally). They feed on your good kind heart & suck your life force out of you.
        Time to take back what is yours, your uniqueness, your YOU :)

        You have a lot of support here & you must endeavor to take good care of yourself :)
        We cannot change the past, if you want to heal you should break all contact otherwise you will be manipulated further & just prolong your agony :(

        You will eventually understand this & dig deep as you alone can save yourself :)
        We are all here & encourage you to let the sunshine come into your heart & free yourself of the Sociopath prison….you are worthy, you deserve better & you can do this :)

        Love & Light to you :)
        PR xoxo

    2. Hi Kristine- I’ve been through similar. I blamed myself a lot. Thought of him wayyyy too much. And it took so much away from my life.

      Regardless of what or why these people do what they do… realize that you only need take responsibility for not getting out any sooner and taking care of ‘you’. We cannot change people or make them be ‘decent’. I used to put myself down a lot (if only I didn’t say this… or did that) it’s all BS. People are who they are.

      I truly believe and have heard this many, many times. When it’s the ‘right’ person, and a healthy, mutually loving relationship, this toxicity does not exist.

      Forgive him for whatever he’s done (meaning… accept that he is who he is (sociopath, jerk, lol… whatever you believe), but most of all… forgive yourself. Stop making yourself wrong.

      Be grateful you are not involved in the mess anymore… it’s a fresh start for you, not for the woman who he’s involved with. It’s just the beginning for her. But she’s not your concern. You are your only concern. The more you focus on you, the better off you’ll be and you will find a healthy, loving relationship. Believe it. :)

  12. Thx so much for sharing. Sharing your thoughts, the details, and mostly giving me comfort that you can heal. It hasn’t been a year since I ‘escaped’ my very scary situation. My dreams seem to be actualizing and then the nightmare was revealed.

    My shock and confusion still haunts me. I can’t believe I was frauded. Kinda like the character ‘Carrie’, it feels like the universe has played a cruel joke on me and now they are all laughing at me. It shook my entire perception of reality. Maybe it’s good that I am a little less naive.

    One thing that I have gained is a deep gratitude for following my conscience and waiting for an opportunity to get out versus letting my ensnared heart dictate my fate.

    Each day I become less fearful and astonished and more grateful and yes hopeful.

  13. Astonishing. Your website is a form of Devine intervention for me. I have removed my self from a sociopath who is also my soul mate. Life is not going to be the same for me. Six years of my life. Dignity. Self worth. Or even the will to live has diminished. The mental, emotional, physical and the psychological abuse I have been through is phenomenal. Many say that I have come back from the dead. Sure I have as I have no soul left in my body anymore. Just a shell.

    1. Hi Ray,

      Your Soul is still there you’ve just closed down your heart so, do the healings & read & learn everything :)
      We are all here & you are not alone…we care & understand the soul level of pain :(
      You need to remember who YOU are, you are a worthy, wonderful person & just start small….walk, exercise, re-connect with friends, find a hobbie/passion…do anything you can to stay busy as you will cycle through the emotions & bit by bit recover your SOUL….Your soul mate is YOU :)

      Love & light,
      PR xoxo

    2. Ray – Please correct me if I’m interpreting what you said as ‘wrong’, but I believe I just read.. that your idea of a ‘soul mate’ is someone who diminishes your soul and self-worth, dignity, and is abusive in every sense, and makes you not want to live your life anymore.

      Perhaps… consider that in order to pull yourself out of this living hell, if you’re even interested in doing that. Figure out why you are idolizing and handing over your personal power, on a silver platter to this person who is abusive. What are you hoping to gain? acceptance? love? appreciation?

      It’s hasn’t happened, and isn’t going to happen with this person. You cannot change them. They don’t have to as long as they have someone idolizing them. They do it because they ‘can’. They are not suffering any consequences, but you sure are.

      It really is up to you, you can create whatever you want for your life. It may be a slow, painful process to get the help you need to move on and heal. But, you’ve got to start somewhere. If that’s what you truly want.

      I know you’re in pain… and I’m so sorry that you are. there’s a lot of us, including myself who have been there. So I can only tell you what has helped bring me from a painful, abusive… on the floor crying feeling soulless… to absolute happiness, having friends… and just giving love and appreciate and care for myself. It has been a long journey for me (may not be for you), but once you ‘get it’ and understand why you’re where you’re at… you will be free.

      It is… absolutely, positively possible. I am living it. Believe it. It takes perspective, understanding, detachment, and giving yourself a friggin’ break… seriously.

    3. I also left my soul mate sociopath 4 months ago. My epiphany came when he screamed vile abuse at me on voicemails and my legs went to jelly and my hurt felt like it was bursting from my chest. Days of panic attacks and fear every time a text came or my phone rang. I realised then it was him or me and I chose me. Its so hard to do because you love them (or the nice side of them) and you feel sorry for them because you know something is very wrong and just want to make it better. I really still want him but I am afraid if I gave him one more chance to get back in my life I would end up destroyed. The feelings come back slowly. I am starting to feel a little of the numbness has gone but still miss and love him so much.

      1. Hi Rani,

        How you are feeling, sounds so normal. You sound smart. He wouldn’t change. Not ever even if he tried his best the usual pattern of behaviour would slowly creep back in until he was back to pathological lying full time. I am pleased that your feelings are starting to come back – even if slowly…. allow the sunshine to come back into your life. Never look back.

      2. Rani, hang in there and PLEASE don’t go back. If you did, it would be better for a little while and then oh-so-much worse.

  14. Ooooh, I just found out my Sociopath faked his own Suicide for attention. Wow, just wow…Just thought I would share that.

    1. Pity he didn’t succeed!
      I know, I know Posi….I’m supposed to be compassionate but, the thought of one less was really nice :)

      Luxia your brilliant :)
      PR xoxo

      1. Thanks Pheonix. Yes, About two week ago, I got a phone call from one of his friends. Informing me that “Jack” as I will call him, Committed Suicide. I was very Sad and put upon of course. No one should ever take their own life… No matter how terrible they are. Well a week goes by and I get a call from his friend, the same one who told me about his death. That the whole thing was faked just to get my attention and he felt really bad about the whole thing so he decided to tell me. I thanked him for his honesty, and asked him to loose my number. I should’ve known better. I fell for another one of his sick and twisted tricks….the legths Sociopaths will go to “get” you are really, REALLY low. What a lousy thing to do…. :(

      2. Hey Luxia :)

        Faking death is very sick indeed, tragic really when, many poor souls actually end their lives. Some may have even been pushed to the brink by a Soc?
        Really sad for you as that is just sick :(

        Love & light
        PR xoxoxo

      3. Mine attempted suicide the first time I thought about leaving him. When I did actuallly leave him two years later, he created fake internet profiles to suggest that he might kill himself, but I stood firm despite the harassment from the fake provided.

        He did die 16 days after I left him from, what I was told, looked like a heart attack. It was 19 months later that I finally received the official cause of death and found out that he killed himself.

        After 17 years of hellish life with this man, he’s still f**king with me, even after death!

      4. Hi very welcome to the site. What an awful experience to go through. But you know He would have killed himself if he was with you or with someone else. You must know that. I have been to the worst pain (when my daughter died) if I would ever have done it I would then. So I realised from that those that take their lives would have anyway. I think so. It was more about him. Than you. But I understand that this probably doesn’t change how you feel. Sending you a hug :)

      5. Hi Veryjoyful,

        I am sorry your Soc ended his life but, I am more sorry for you that he caused & causes you so much grief still.
        What a destructive man he was & I am saddened to think of you still trapped in his mind F#*king game.
        You are an amazing person to have had this & survived & i hope you can eventually put the past & the Soc to rest once & for all.
        You deserve to be free of him & my wish is that someday soon you will be :)

        Love & Light :)
        PR xoxo

  15. Hi, I’m new here, and have found this site, the articles and the comments very supportive. Thank you everyone. . I just ended what now very much looks like a soc relationship, with someone who was also, I believe, a soul mate, and I can really empathise with Ray. I too feel as though I’ve lost part of my soul. It only lasted a year, but was intense, and although I’m only three weeks into n/c, I’m shocked at a growing awareness of the damage it has done to me in such a short time, how utterly awful it has left me feeling and how hard it is to let go. I have times of feeling terribly bleak and bereft in a way I never have before.

    I have made myself face the fact that it was all ‘game playing’ from the beginning. Wow. I don’t need to tell you guys how much that hurts, but it is the truth and I believe accepting that, hard though it is for my mind to truly grasp, is a major part of the healing and also the foundation of my sheer determination not to be suckered again.

    It feels like quite a traumatic experience and my mind keeps going back there, in an attempt to make some sense of the nonsense which, of course, doesn’t make any sense, except viewed through the harsh truth of the soc relationship. Could this be a form of PTSD?

    My heart goes out to everyone else who is ‘in recovery’ from such a deep violation and betrayal of all that is good in us. I look forward to getting my joy back one day,

  16. Ladies, psychopaths don’t always operate that way… They also come in as friends & deny any attraction to you from the start. They will be the best of friends with you, never a lover so you are always kept a distance from how they really are.
    I thought I had a friend, I met him 8+ years ago, a teacher of the chakra system…not much of a following, though. When they are done with you it is because they met a better opertunity & you are not needed anymore. I was being used & played even as a friend. Beware of the man who’s dream is to change the world, while destroying others. I believe women are far smarter then the psychopaths! The dawn has come & the Angels shout No More! The Psychopath is nearing his end, women are aware today & your days a few! Knowledge is Power & our only hope to end the psychopaths reign over us.

    1. Thank you Willowrose :)

      Yes they do come in many guises & I worked with one years ago :( & I believe my sister-in-law is one :(

      The worst part of the romantic involvement is that they break you down physically/sexually & mentally which makes them all evil but, more so when it goes deeper into a personal relationship. Remember they keep compromising everything :(

    2. Willow rose, what you say is so true. It’s only after I learned about these people, that I saw others that I thought were my friends! I have started working on myself esteem, it’s probably why I come across so many in my life. All that negative self-talk and beating myself up it’s like they have special radar for that.

      1. Hi Waafrique :)

        Never ever doubt that you are a wonderful loving & worthy person.
        When we look in the mirror, we see ourselves & we are very hard on ourselves. When we meet others, like our friends or loved ones we don’t scrutinise them or pick their flaws. No we love them for who they are to us. We need to love ourselves the same way :)
        The Sociopath looks in the mirror & thinks they are amazing & therefore when they look at us, they see our insecurities & vulnerabilities. We don’t walk around thinking we are ‘god’s gift’.
        So , they then set about using our frailties & vulnerability against us.
        Don’t change you, you don’t need to change, you need to have clearer boundaries but, there is nothing wrong with frailty or vulnerability it’s what makes you human :)
        You have empathy, compassion & the ability to love. We are our harshest critic so, yes, work on your self love & worth but, never doubt yourself.
        The Soc is attracted to what theyvthemselves cannot be. To blend in with us, they need us for cover & that’s why they choose us. Who better to hide behind than a person that would do anything for them.
        Just be kind to yourself, you deserve better & from now on, only the best will do :)

        Love & Light :)
        PR xoxo

  17. Wow… Thank you for writing this! It has brought a lot of clarity to my current situation.
    I am still absolutely horrified that this person is in my life, in my family and that there is nothing I can do about it. It sickens me. Reading about it helps somewhat though… Thank you!

  18. My sociopath showed he cared. Like fixing up what he messed up, then the behavior start again. Just a recycle of a rollercoaster ride. I saw him showing he cared for his grand kids like joking and buying holiday gifts but it will be mixed with verbal torture to make them cry and feel like they have to go thru if what he is saying is real or not. Then he soothe them with shut up or its nothing. Its more disturbing to watch then to write. EVERYTHING a sociopath does is premeditated self preservation for a purpose. They cant feel anything but tantrums when losing. They isolate when in hiding from fear of someone or something. Yes they no how to mimic a character they saw on t.v or out somewhere. I witness my ex adopting another personality (mask) in front of my eyes plain as day. My mouth dropped. So no they do not care. They only act accordingly to the occasion. Yet believe its real. I sort of feel sorry for them because they are sick and cant help it but cant ever be around them again.

    1. Hi Shannon :)

      Welcome to the amazing safe haven Positivagirl has created with her blog :)
      We are all here to support, share, vent etc…so feel free to do all :)
      You are a survivor of a Soc so, what a wonderful, loving, compassionate person you must be:)
      They only choose the best people as they want our goodness for themselves :(
      I hope you are doing well & I encourage you to read everything :)

      Love & Light :)

      PR xoxo

    2. You can’t worry about the new target she will find out in her own time, hopefully sooner rather than later. Just important you realise you have got out of it in time to save yourself. Mine text me a month ago saying (despite saying divorce me you bitch around 30 times) he didn’t want a divorce, he loves me so much, he has no one else (despite telling me he had found his perfect love, he will treat her like a trophy – ouch red flag alert!) oh endless rubbish. I did not reply so obviously he decided to get back at me…just found he has been using my bank card details to fund his gym membership, each time I got the bank to cancel it he rejoined so have rejoin fees as well as membership…bank trying to sort but have had to close account and start a new one so has caused lots of stress. They are selfish little children to the core, and evil ones at that.

      1. Hi Rani :)

        He is a loser & lets hope he pulls a muscle or better still a weight drops on his neck :)
        Have you thought of copying the text messages & printing them & sending them to the OW??? It might not be your way of doing things but, I’d be tempted ;) oops, I actually did it so, the proof was in the pudding (or the text message) Oh but, the OW stayed, despite the proof but, that’s her problem, I felt vindicated :) :)

        Love & Light :)
        PR xoxo

      2. Yes I have actually imagined weights dropping on his neck ha ha…there is so much I remember I put up with that now I can’t for the life of me understand why I did. I should have told the stupid little boy to take a hike years ago..temper tantrums of a toddler, thinks he is the centre of the universe like a toddler…never financially looked after any responsibilities it was all down to me then asked me why i am always stressed!

      3. Awww Rani :( I know exactly how you feel as do most here :(
        They are the lowest of the low but, you are wonderful to care & love people that don’t deserve it. They make us compromise ourselves endlessly & I had 10 years of the gaming etc…so, I ‘get it’ & also found myself making excuses for him & ‘being the meat in the sandwich’ between him & my children. I had numerous fights with my daughter as she could not stand him but, I defended him which I am now ashamed of but, luckily she & I worked it out years ago. I basically kept them apart so, I could be a focused parent & keep my priorities straight. Thank god I did this otherwise, I would have destroyed my family as well as myself.
        Just don’t blame yourself for loving this fool, they are the ones with the agenda etc…you always came from a place of love & compassion.
        The Soc only comes from self & we are inconsequential to them achieving their goal of servitude from us!

        Love & Light :)
        PR xoxo

  19. I just started dating this guy recently. After 2 weeks I knew something was seriously wrong. Yhe last conversation we had i called him a narcissistic sociopath. Then I started doing research. I didn’t even know that it was a true syndrome. Suffice it to say that I am still baffled by the whole experience and intrigued as well. But I consider myself lucky because this guy would have emotionally murdered me!.

  20. I left my story or part of it on another
    Post but my god is this the most healing thing I’ve ever found. No one can ever comprehend what it’s like falling in love with the devil in an angel suit. This is not a normal break up, this is suicide watch, lowest of low, empty. Especially the ones that keep coming back and trying to hang you on a string. I still struggle to admit mine is a sociopath even though he fits all of this
    Criteria to a T but I can find my brain making excuses and trying to say no it’s not true with a glimmer of hope. All of yourselves look in the mirror and say thank you to yourself for being able to get out of bed in the morning. I have almost been one of the strongest females anyone’s ever known. Always the rock and everyone was so happy for me thinking I was with the perfect man and I deserved it more than anyone. They said we gave them hope of real love. I was engaged, had the perfect life, when I started recognizing manipulation and ego and say something he’d “punish” me with no affection or love. God Dammnit is it hard to make it through a single day. I pray to be ok one day.

    1. Nobody deserves to be “punished” through the withholding of love or affection. The manipulation is contempt for you and your feelings, and it’s the most blatant display of the man’s own immaturity and inabilities. Normal people can talk things through and compromise without damaging you or worse, tearing you to shreds, as with the sociopath.

      It is just deep disappointment right now for you, feeling the full weight of finally comprehending what has been done to you, You’re right that it is evil and of the devil—to slip into the fabric of our lives so slowly as to almost be undetected. But that you know what he is right now gives you the advantage… that is bad news for him because he can’t ever do to you again exactly what he has in the past because you are onto it.

      Applaud yourself that you are so important and so valuable that someone like this has tried to possess you and even become you… but, they can’t. That’s how we know what they are—they don’t add up. YOU do add up, with all parts working together for your good. You will be whole again, a day at a time. This is a good site for the healing and support you seek.

      1. I know your reply wasn’t for me but it was. Thank you for validating the strength it takes to get out and the hope that lies before us. I’m still reeling from this relationship even though its been over for almost a year. I’m looking forward to the day where I don’t think about him and his odd and bizarre actions. Everyday it plaques my thoughts. I’m ashamed to be open to anyone about my fears that one day he will realize that I know what he is, even though I led him to believe it was his idea to end it. I’m still waiting for him to show up and demand I admit I’m the one with the problem and not him. I’ve already have done this but any truth that’s not his truth cannot be tolerated or left unchallenged. He couldn’t live with that.
        This site is where I find healing and hope. Thanks again for your words of strength.

      2. No they dont add up you are so right…and I didnt see it (or want to see it) for far too long. Five years with my socio nearly sent me insane but now I have been out of it for 4 months I see it all so clearly and thank God for that

    2. Thats exactly what they are – devils in an angel suit..I could see evil in his eyes when he “switched”…his face contorted and I actually could feel evil in the room when he raged…I have never felt that before during an argument with anyone

      1. Ditto, they all have the dead eye & that stare that reads & assesses just like an alligator ;) & when they snap, look out as the mask slipping is grotesque & scary, we’ve all seen it & yes it’s like coming face to face with evil :(
        A voice in my head would scream ‘something wicked this way comes’ before he arrived etc…it was my premonition & I switched it off :(
        I had many warnings, one of his favourite songs was Tina Turner, What’s love got to do with it’ & ‘I ain’t missing you’ by John Waite ahh all telling me but, I never connected them until after the discard…he played them to me over & over!!!

      2. haha I read this comment on the bus, it made me laugh and I couldn’t see who it was from on the phone ( I have a temp not great phone) at the mo, I thought I bet that is PR – and it was lol

  21. I have felt the “drip of abuse” from my sociopath today. We have not had contact for a week now, our divorce is set for November. He owes me money, yet today I get a envelope in the mail with my insurance card and insurance papers with a note saying ..”Here is your insurance card and paper, I have not used them nor will I.” Why would he just not bring them to court, or give them to his attorney to give to mine? I think I am still on his mind but only for the abuse. He does have a new source already and of course she is so wonderful and perfect for him, as I was a year ago. If he is hoping for a contact, Hell can freeze over with him in it before that will happen. I do not even want to go to court to see him again.
    Any thoughts on why others who have experienced this on why he would send that to me now? Interested in your thoughts. God Bless.

    1. Hi Genie,

      He’s just playing his games so, don’t worry about him.
      He just wants to make his presence felt, as they do!

      Be strong, you will be free of him soon & then he is someone else’s problem & problem is the operative word ;)
      Just sit back & stay focused on you & your healing :)

      Love & Light :)
      PR xoxo

    2. If he has another source already, and knows you know, he is probably trying to soften you for court. Then again, you know how they are, he could’ve lost his supply and has enough ego to think you can be persuaded even with things in this state. That is one of the marvels of the sociopath—they are beyond optimistic, and probably because once in awhile, it works!

  22. Thank you. I believe my late husband was a sociopath. He kept me isolated from friends and family for years. Everything was always my fault. I finally got the guts to leave him in 2012 and he killed himself.

  23. Thank you. I believe my late husband was a sociopath. He isolated me from friends and family for years. Everything was always my fault. I finally got the guts to leave him after 17 years and he killed himself 16 days later. People say I’m strong for going through that. I always wonder if they think I was stupid for staying so long, but they never say that. It’s really hard to get over what I now realize was emotional abuse.

  24. she, and now her boyfriend, still say I’m an alcoholic, drug addict, crazy obsessed! they even talk about “what will the judge think when they here about your mental health problems” I had PTSD/ Reactive Depression after my sister was murdered. I now don’t let anything they say hurt me, and it doesn’t, just shows me how low they are.

    I did make excuses for him as she lied massively to him. But that can only go so far.

  25. Wow its like reading my own words. Thank you this helps me from going back. I have no friends left because of him and am so alone. I keep wondering which is worse…the lonliness I felt right next to him or the lonliness I fear I will have for the rest of my life.

    1. Hi Keri, you are not alone in being isolated. It feels like a kick in the teeth, when you stood by them. It is later into the relationship you realise that you have met nobody new and you didn’t see people anymore. If it is a particularly twisted one they will make sure that they ruin you afterwards, either by spreading lies, or/and removing your friends from your life.

      I understand it, How they do it is clever. They know exactly what they are doing. its no accident and deliberately engineered…. and at the end like a black widow spider to destroy you :(

  26. I’ve had a harrowing few months, but doing research and reading about dating a sociopath have brought me a sense of peace through collective experience. I knew my socio for 5 years before we started dating. As someone stated in an earlier post, he was always charming but kept me at arm’s length for those years. We always had an attraction and last year it moved to the next level in a whirlwind. I don’t need to repeat the details of the seduction phase as they are eerily similar to the descriptions above. After a few months, I found myself asking “who the hell am I dating?” The person I thought I knew didn’t exist. Upon reflection, I am still amazed by the adeptness with which this person manipulated me. I hope that my experience and message will help someone who is struggling to separate from a sociopath because it is not easy.
    His criticisms started at a microscopic level and expanded as time went on. At first they didn’t even sound like criticism…he would tell me that he liked my hair straight and not curly, but all of my friends always complimented my curly hair. If I wore it that way he would almost act pissed or disappointed. He would point out clothes and say that I should buy them which eventually progressed to him saying that my jeans weren’t tight enough and that I looked like a slob and that being in public with me embarrassed him sometimes. This was very hard for me because I have always been a confident, happy person; I am blessed to have a family and friend group that I love. I was also a college athlete and I am currently working on a doctorate degree…all of this seemed negative to him and he would spin every situation to make it about him. He even wanted me to quit school and said that my dad shouldn’t ask me to check in on my sister. He was even jealous and talking bad about my dog (big mistake lol). I couldn’t do anything right…and he was ALWAYS right even though he was failing in school and lived with his parents (I love love love them…but can’t talk to them now)
    The above descriptions are G-Rated compared to his true manipulations. The big finale of our relationship happened when I found out that his story about an ex dying of cancer was completely false. She seemingly rose from the dead and contacted me and told me everything. He also lied about having previously being in dentistry school, lied about having a BA degree, lied about his job position, lied about being able to windsurf (lol). Also, he was MEAN to his mentally disabled niece…which to me is the most disturbing aspect of my story. There is more to the story, but I don’t want to share it; just know that this was a TERRIBLE person.
    One small victory happened for me and all women who have dated a socio when I had the God given insight to contact his family before he could. I found out about all of the lies knew that he would slander me after the break-up (hell…he had already fake killed one girl!!) so I called his mama and daddy and told them every grimy detail…they knew that I couldn’t make it up and I had spent so much time with them that they believed me and were very very upset.
    In the aftermath, he still tried to make me out to be the bad guy and even took a holy-roller approach and said that the devil had tempted him to do what he did and that he was praying for me.
    Eventually, the situation got out of hand and he was texting/calling nonstop. I admit that my weakness endured longer than it should have, but have to thank the heroes in my life for rescuing me. I was so stressed that in the first week, I lost 6 pounds and couldn’t sleep or eat much of anything. He showed up at my work and even went uninvited to my parent’s house. In the midst of this, he even presented me with an engagement ring and cried like I have never seen before. It didn’t work. My friend packed my bag…took me to the phone store…changed my number and drove me to another friend’s house where I stayed for a week in hiding. He leaves me alone now and I haven’t seen him in 5 months, but I am still in SHOCK and my body and mind are still recovering.
    I’ve learned so much….If something seems too good to be true…RUN…If someone can turn emotions/personalities on and off…RUN…If someone criticizes you….RUN for your life….If someone talks bad about the people that have loved you for all of your precious life…RUN RUN RUN

    1. I’m so happy that you are safe and of sound mind. But it’s still a hard road to recovery. You will comb over the details wondering what just happened and will still be in awe of this ever happening. But trust me each day will be brighter. I am still stunned by own experience with my socio but I learn each day to just let go of it a little more, Otherwise I will go stir crazy. I wish you well on your road to recovery. Emotionally and mentally you will grow stronger. You will be whole again. Best wishes.

      1. Keep commenting folks. I cannot begin to express how much it helps to know I am not the only one. Especially to know that other INTELLIGENT women have been taken in by a sociopath.

  27. I am still stunned but I know that I dodged a major bullet….I was interviewing for jobs in his town and had all intentions of moving there over the summer. What if I had ended up in the same house with this person? I still wake up at night with my heart racing and like others, I have nightmares quite often. So many things make sense to me now that didn’t before. Sometimes he would hug me but squeeze so hard that it REALLY hurt me and when I asked him to stop he said I was being dramatic and that it didn’t hurt, and he would grab my wrists and not let go even if I had tears in my eyes…that was not playing around…that was abuse! I don’t know why I didn’t see it then and like others, I do feel stupid…even though I know that I’m not and neither is anyone else who has had something like this happen. I pray for his family who can’t escape him…he doesn’t have ANY friends and he wanted me to ditch mine and followed the pattern of calling my best friend a whore and slut when she is nothing of the kind. I think that the positive in this experience is that it has left me with a stronger appreciation and love for the important people in my life and helped me get in touch with my emotions and stand up for myself.

    1. Yes thank God you didn’t move to live with him. Mine shoved a plate of cream cakes into my face when we were on our “honeymoon”. It took me completely by surprise but then he laughed it off as a joke. It was not funny and made me feel very vulnerable. Yes my friends were all bitches sluts and whores too. And he had an obsession about my son who he not only threatened but scapegoated for EVERYTHING…jealous of everyone. It was my compassion for him that made me take him back when I really should have told him to do one…I hate him now and hope he gets his Karma and soon.

  28. I want to thank you for this site as everyone else has done. I met my SP online and we seemed to have so much in common. Mostly we did a lot of activities together. He was only recently out of a 20 plus year marriage, but I met his wife and she gave me her blessing, even though it all felt far too soon for me at that point. He let me know he had chosen me and I suggested we keep it lite to start and that he not date me exclusively. I never promised my exclusivity, but he kept me so busy that it was guaranteed. I started to see bad behavior – jealousy suggestive of an ownership mentality, dumping of bad vibes collected elsewhere onto me, agentic approach to sex, criticism of my slight extra weight, tantrums and rage. Luckily, I was never in love, never returned his profession of love and journaled all of my thoughts and found websites such as this one to affirm my thoughts. I finally beegged off saying my sexual attractionn for him was not what it needed to be and endured a four mile hike in complete silence after which he argued my co-dependence to me, but I told him I did not feel that way about myself. He moved on to someone else immediately of which I am glad but still shocked as it confirmed everything I intuited. I am sort of ‘stuck’ now infascination with this experience I had and as seen through the tales of others. Plus, I do feel violated.

    1. Hi JD, how lucky you were to have had the experience without the emotional attachment. It sounds like he couldn’t cope with not having ownership of you. And how he tried to twist it saying you were co-dependent, when actually you were being independent. Yes, it does leave you feeling violated…. It’s good that he moved onto someone else. I would imagine that he would have done so anyway if he realised that he couldn’t control (and therefore) manipulate you.

      1. Well, he didn’t actually use the word co-dependent, but tried to sell me a very unflattering view of myself that would have had me holding onto him for dear life and I had to tell him I don’t have the low opinion of myself he was clearly counting on. Moving on so soon was clearly about winning as he texts me things designed to tweak some envy in me, but I’m just praying for the new target that she won’t be badly scathed.

  29. I am recently out of a relationship with someone whom I suspect to have strong narcissistic and/or sociopathic tendencies. I am still at a stage where I am going back and forth asking myself if I am the sociopath in this relationship, or if he is. There was a lot wrong in our relationship, most of it clearly due to his disregard for my feelings and boundaries. But whenever I challenged him, questioned him, or reacted in even slight anger at his breaches of my boundaries, he would turn things around on me and make me out to be the one at fault, It really has messed with my mind.
    One of the issues in our relationship were a particular couple among his friends, he insisted we spend time with them. They have an odd relationship, constant one-up-man-ship and bickering and lots of sarcasm and verbal and emotional abuse. After a few visits I told him that their behaviour in front of guests wore me out.
    I also was uncomfortable with his socializing with other women while I was working. He had late night visits from female “friends”, going dancing with them, hugging women “friends” we ran into at the grocery store, telling them how lovely they looked and so on. When I expressed my discomfort with all this, he accused me of wanting to isolate him, not wanting him to have fun.
    This was certainly not my intention, I was just uncomfortable in these situations and I expressed my discomfort. Sure, there was a little jealousy, but certainly not raging jealousy.
    In hindsight, I suspect that after he caught on that I felt jealous, he escalated this sort of behaviour in front of me to twist the knife. I also strongly suspect that he cheated on me during the relationship.
    I am relatively new to this area where we both live, so I don’t have a lot of friends here yet, and my family lives in other parts of the country. He was often commenting what a “mystery” I was, and that he didn’t know my friends and family. When I wanted to introduce him to my friends, he showed no interest, no interest in attending a Christmas Party with my colleagues. He also had zero interest in traveling to meet my family.
    Well, there was much else wrong in this relationship, I do think he was quite abusive emotionally and psychologically, towards the end scarily so. He broke up with me one day a few weeks ago, out of the blue, with no warning and no explanation, told my I was not the woman for him, but he refused to tell me why. Discarded like a used tissue, without a second thought.
    It is hard to realize that I was in love with a man who was only an illusion. Had he presented himself as his true sarcastic, chauvinistic, cruel and cold self which clearly showed once the mask was off. I would not have fallen in love. And of that I need to keep reminding myself.
    Still the break up is fresh enough where I still bounce back and forth and back and forth emotionally and mentally. It is not a good feeling, not a good place to be.

    1. Carmen, I would hug you if I could. Hang in there. You’re going to be better off. So much of what you described is classic. I can testify to what you said about having even the slightest complaint blown up, turned around, and transformed into your fault. I still have at least one of the “personal improvement plans” that my ex forced me to write after such an incident. You are a bright and worth-while woman. Remember that.

    2. Carmen your story is so much like mine. I have really been questioning if I’m the one with a personality disorder. I called my bf of 3 months exclusive out on a lie and asked him how I was supposed to ignore that he did and disrespect myself like that and he broke up with me. Said I was always accusing him of the things. Our major disagreements were always over his many “friends” who were female. He told me things like he stopped going out with his friends because he was afraid how I would act or he was afraid to check his phone for the same reason but I never asked him to stop or remember complaining about him doing this. I told him he should do what he wanted and if I wasn’t ok with it I would let him know. He ignored me for two days then told me even though he knew I don’t usually keep in touch with exes he would like to be friends. I lashed out at him with all kinds of hateful words. Then I would apologize and get no response and lash out again. I feel depressed like I’ve never felt before. Has anyone else reacted this way or do I have a problem? I feel like I let this relationship take away everything I ever did for me and I’m having trouble getting that back.

      Thanks for listening. Hugs Carmen

      1. CL, It almost sounds as though we’ve been dating the same guy, even down to the “wanting to be friends” bit. Actually, a lot of the stories here sound like we’ve ALL been dating the same guy.
        CL, my ex broke up with me about 5 weeks ago now, and it’s been a journey. I, too was terribly depressed the first weeks. I also kept ping ponging back and forth between it’s me, just like he said, and “NO! I may not be perfect, but nobody should treat another human being the way he treated me, not even your friends, let alone the person you say you “love”. This kind of crazy ping pong thinking, has become less and less with time, but it is still there to some extent.
        I am not a mental health professional, but I am seeing a therapist, and I am glad to have had the clarity to call her in the first week and tell her the whole story.
        What has helped me with this thinking was to sit down and write a long list of all the things he did and said to undermine my confidence, overstep my boundaries, gaslight me and emotionally torture and terrorize me. I am at 5 pages now, the list keeps growing as things come back to me, and this was only an 11 week relationship!!! Now, every time I go back to the crazy “It must be me”, thinking, I pick up that list, even if it is just mentally. And I am able to tell myself “No, it is not me. I may not be perfect, but there was nothing I could have done, or said, or been, to change the outcome. He is a damaged individual who does not have the ability to love. In fact, the cold, cruel man he showed once the mask had slipped is not someone I even want as a “friend”.

        Doing this has helped me, CL. I still have my moments, but I now know that a relationship with someone like him is not something I wish for myself. I deserve much better than that, and so do you!

        Hugs, and I hope that the New Year will bring you relief, clarity and a rewarding journey towards the life and relationships you, wish for yourself.

  30. thanks for posting. it has been 7 years since i left my sociopath bf and i ran away, 2700 miles away, allowed myself to be pulled back twice and even after i told myself ‘no more’ i remained in touch until this last summer when i changed my phone number. my relationship also turned into physical abuse when i didn’t respond properly. i still feel his pull however i am sure it will lessen as time goes on. bless him, i have no regrets and am happy that i reawakened to the me i was and am moving on. although, in 7 years, i have been unable to enter a relationship, but, that’s ok. i now love me again and am happy. xo la

  31. I posted this somewhere else, but then I realized that you folks would actually understand…

    On the television show “Criminal Minds” right now, the unsub is insisting to his victim, “Tell me a story so I can sleep.” What awful memories this brings up…

    My late/ex husband, who was a sociopath, often insisted the same thing, usually very late at night when I was exhausted and had to be up for work the next morning (while he did not). Rarely were my attempts satisfactory. If I did not perform to his liking, it led to a lecture (about how I was a horrible mate), and on and on, and I’d end up getting almost no sleep, or none at all. I’d sometimes end up late or absent from work because of it, which of course, would lead to another lecture. It might not sound like a big deal to others, but it was torturous.

    1. Hi Veronica :)

      I also got the ‘talk to me while I sleep etc…or you talk & I’ll listen.
      I am a chatterbox at the best of times but, I enjoy a two way conversation & with the Soc, it was either a lecture or him insisting I tell him a story….very tortuous & exhausting.

      They are all so so similar that no wonder we think we are all with the same guy ( I know yours has passed) but, they really aren’t very original.
      The only time they change anything is when it’s not working anymore for you or them & then the game shifts.

      I feel sorry for the OW that he will now use all my babble to impress her etc…as the whole reason they do it is to glean information & nuances from us. Oh & I would have had the same from the OW’s before & during my time with the loon!
      Each time they get more devious as they have more armour in their memories :(

      Love & Light :)
      PR xoxo

      P.S. I met the OW & she recognised me by my language use among other things etc…because he copies me argh!
      At least we speak English & not Bulls*it, I didn’t know that was a language to study but, I will be sure not to add that to my curriculum. :)
      I prefer that other language HONESTY :)

      1. OMgee… THANK YOU PR! I was not expecting anyone else to have been through the tell-me-a-story torture. It helps so much to know that others understand.

      2. Love you name by the way :)

        I bet there is a lot of stuff that we can’t talk about that’s too personal/painful but, rest assured I understand :)
        You are not alone & it is a pleasure to share this journey with you:)
        We are on the path of awareness & enlightenment.
        After all, that is why these Soc’s were sent to us, to bring us down but, they don’t realise that by doing that, they take us within ourselves & then our own truth is displayed & they have not won our soul.

        Stand strong in your truth, you had it all along, just needed the Soc experience to bring you into your own power.
        Be proud of yourself, you faced a demon & you won :)

        Love & Light :)
        PR xoxo

      3. Hi Veryjoyful & everyone :)

        You know, I now realise that the Narc/Soc, lives in fear of never being accepted for themselves & rightfully so :(
        They need us to validate them & make them feel good about themselves. Let’s face it, they really aren’t someone we would want to be with if they showed us their true colors from the ‘get go’.
        So, they are very scared of us leaving them so, they leave us before we have a chance to leave them. They need to feel they are in control so, they leave us walking on sand that keeps shifting.

        It is never about us ever, it is their fear & insecurity that drives them.
        My Soc always said,’Don’t ever leave me promise’ & I would just sit & think, wow he really is scared I’m going to abandon him.
        I don’t abandon anyone but, I would abandon a Narc/Soc without a thought if they came as they are :(
        So you see, they have already planned to leave you before they arrive as they cannot face themselves & when the mask eventually slips, neither can we :(

        They need us to present the ‘facade’of real & wonderful so, to the outside world they show others ‘look what I have’, ‘I must be special to have this prize’….& they do have the prize, Us..:)
        When they leave the prize for another ‘trophy’, it’s because, they like to collect pretty & shiny new things but, eventually the shine wears off of them & the ‘mask’ slips & you are trapped so,they have to keep leaving & replacing forever before you do!

        Love & light all the prizes out their, be your own prize & remeber, it was never you, it was them, they are flawed :)

        PR xoxo

  32. Love this post from you Phoenix! Esp. your last sentence. I read this whole thread tonight, it so soothes my mind. I have to remember to come read this when I have a day like today- jusagirl is in same boat, as I commented on her thread earlier.

    It’s like we are all on here reading and feeling each other’s experiences and have like this quasi-group conscience! Some of us are men, most women, but we’ve all been through perhaps one of life’s worst struggles as a thinking being. It’s really profound how almost all of these spaths are reading the same script, acting out in their same ways. But what does that say about the unfortunate ones that got caught in the mess? I wasn’t so happy the day I met him- I saw the red flags early but stayed with it. That’s what is bothering me now! This is a mighty character defect to see through these nuts and still think you can change them so you hang around, thinking you can remain unscathed (what I told myself). “Oh well, my life is sort of boring and at least this is a little slice of life”. I know I have grown a bit, and I have never cried like I have these past years. Self torture it would seem. God that makes me think something is really off with me! But like you say, it wasn’t me. It WAS him for I just loved him, I just wanted to be with someone I thought cared about me. I thought love conquered all.

    1. Awww Edalude :(

      Love is blind but, true love does conquer all & you need to love yourself fully so, when you meet the right person you won’t feel the need to fix them or hang around if it’s not what it should be.
      I saw the ‘red flags’ also but, I always see the best in people even when they are mean. I still do but, what I have learned is that when someone is mean to me I step back & think, ‘that says something about them, not me’. I think meanness comes from inner pain & I myself am only ever ‘off’ when I am in pain (physically or emotionally).
      So when people treat us bad, that says more about them than us :)
      We don’t go out of our way to target people as a source of supply but, unfortunately that is the Sociopath way.
      Once you realise what you have been dealing with, it makes you doubt yourself & why you tolerated such unacceptable behavior.
      You didn’t, you were groomed & the initial ‘Gaslighting’ & ‘Lovebombing’ is to remove your guard & then once they are in then the ‘gaming & ruining’ begins.
      You have to understand that this is done so subtly at first, it’s not until you are fully on the receiving end that you finally ‘get it’.
      It blows your mind & fathoming such cruel behavior is beyond us as we would never treat someone we love so disgustingly :(
      Acceptance is the key to your healing, you did nothing wrong, you are a wonderful beautiful soul & never doubt that.
      Don’t let this experience steal the amazing person you are & always have been. That’s what attracts these creatures & that’s what they want to destroy.
      They are jealous & callous but, you aren’t.
      Just work on your healing & your own self worth & create healthy boundaries with other people that you suspect are self motivated & a little ‘too good to be true’.

      Just be you & quasi-conscious of the real & authentic souls around you.

      Love & Light :)
      PR xoxo

      1. Wow Phoenix, you sure have a way with your cyberhugs! Such words of wisdom and you definitely say the right things to give you the “skin bracer slap”! Ironically, I awoke to my spath calling on the phone why I put the kettle on for coffee. I just stood at the sink and let it go to answering machine. It’s still blinking- I didn’t listen. There’s no point. I was thinking all day how it doesn’t matter anymore. He’s cheated, and he rubbed in my face that THIS is how it’s going to be! The crazy part? I stood in his face the other nite and I told him I loved him like it was the last time ( the whole evening, although passionate, was like we left off with our routine like no time had passed. He was actually sweet, bought my supper, I brought flowers and gin! It was like we went out with a big bang of typicalness! Does that sound like a movie?. I walked away from that close encounter of the stupid kind, only to blindly think he would suddenly realise he made an awful mistake, something I def. didn’t want! Then where would’ve I been? Oh yeah, back with a major asshole that you’re right, doesn’t get “it” or me, and doesn’t deserve any pleasure from me. His low down bad ways are sure to surface soon with this new lover- oh well, considering where they met ( on the Love Boat, somewheres west of Havana! LOL) let him deal with the jerk! I am so lucky he didn’t want it to go back to normal.

        SOMETHING HAS HAPPENED

        I have met and been talking with several bachelors online, yeah, usual games with so many since I joined for the new year. But this guy I have been chatting to recently, which led to a 2 hour convo on the phone just yesterday, he called back today! After I had felt I had blown it, saying too much, telling a stranger way too much opinion, editorialized by yours truly. Like I always do- but I still did try to shut up and let him talk and breathe, regularly LOL. So he calls me again today! Said he really liked our talk yesterday. Emailed me tonight and I am blown away at his response. He seems like a real honest, decent guy! For a change, I have a lot of common interests, infact many bizarre coincidences from just talking to him ( similar hobbies, like same music, same take on politics, etc)!!! That he called me from his phone and (unlike my crazy psycho spath, who blocked his name), this guy’s name came thru on caller I.D! No overt sneakiness. We even talked about that! How paranoid some are, so distrusting. I am not diving off the deep end, but I share this encounter with all of you because I have hope again. The thrill of getting to know someone who, even if it was just to end in a friendship, opens the door to normalcy and the hope for new and great relationships in the future. To getting out and from under the cloud that has been my “love” for far too long. Wow! What a difference 24 hours can make! LOVE IT!

        And you know what I can say for sure? My ex spath has some kinda drama going on- drama I don’t need nor want in my life ever again!
        PEACE & HOPE everyone!

      2. Hi Edaldude :)

        Just take it slowly as a lot of Soc’s on dating sites etc…& having everything in common etc….just watch your heart :)

        Good luck & I wish you all the very best, throw your knickers in the ring if you want but, not your heart ;)
        Slow & steady wins the race & normal can be boring but, normal is normal & Sociopath’s are far from it!

        You deserve love so, be loved & above all love yourself enough to leave if it’s not worthy of you :)

        Oh & clean knickers with superheroes must be worn! LOL ;)
        Be your own superhero & be HAPPY ;)

        Love & Light :)
        PR xoxo

        P.S. NO CONTACT with the Soc, ever!

  33. It’s terrifying reading this as almost the EXACT thing happened to me. It was completely fine with my social life at first, even joining me in events from time to time. After a while it was like pulling teeth to get him to come out, and soon into the relationship he wouldn’t bother with trying to become acquainted with my friends. I should have seen that sign when he told me one night while drinking with me that “my ex used to get so mad that I’d never want to go out with her friends, you’re much more accepting. You’re the best.” I felt flattered that I was so flexible. But really as time went on it started to really bother me. I had no choice but to go out to events on my own because he would NEVER come, and if he did he would ruin my night. Ignore me, or make me feel so small.

    After I would go out maybe once or twice a month with my girlfriends. Always when I’d arrive back home to him it would be a fight. And the entire time out I had to text him CONSTANTLY. If I didn’t message him back within 15 minutes he would be calling me, screaming at me. Calling me a bitch, and fuck this relationship. He even went so far as to break up with me on my birthday at Boston Pizza. He didn’t want to come out, so I planned it on a night he was working nights. Even his step dad came out for a bit to buy me a birthday drink. He was still somehow paranoid and crazy. Called me and ended it, and I spent the rest of my birthday crying in the bathroom. Of course the next day everything was fine and we weren’t broken up, but he would never apologize for his awful behavior. It was always my fault. I shouldn’t get so drunk. I shouldn’t be out with these people. Even though I would be reassuring him every 10-15 minutes, it was NEVER ENOUGH.

    He soon then would get into arguments with me, calling me an alcoholic, that all my friends are sluts. That my best friend was a lesbian and she just wanted to be with me (not true at all.) The funny thing is, he drank on a daily basis. He just didn’t have any friends to go out with. He’d stay at home and get absolutely wasted with his family. To the point where he couldn’t remember things the next day (yeah, how convenient you forgot you gave me a fat lip when you were drinking). So I’d stop going out with my friends. Instead, I’d have them over at our place, thinking that would make the situation better. If I’m not out of his sight, maybe there wouldn’t be a fight? Wrong. He’d come storming upstairs if my girlfriends and I were up too late, screaming at me, embarrassing me in front of my friends, flicking off lightswitches and slamming doors. It was awful. After a few of these incidents he asked me to move out. I was baffled. A couple days later he broke up with me. I was so heartbroken. I had never felt so used in my life. I had given up everything for him, had tried everything to make him happy, and it was never enough. Of course, stupid me fought for him back. Told him I wouldn’t go out with friends, I wouldn’t touch a drop of alcohol (even though he was allowed to), that I would be his perfect little housewife. So he took me back. He was so disrespectful. The abuse never stopped, in fact, it got worse. If I wasn’t there right on time after being somewhere, I’d get screamed at and told to leave. He’d lock me out. If we went out in public to do something I had suggested, he’d have an insane mood swing, and burst out into rage, storming off away from me, making me wonder what happened. It was always my fault in the end, and I was always confused.

    He left me again. On Christmas day. This time I’m stronger, I won’t try and fight for him back. It’s been a month, and hearing that he’s moved on to someone new KILLS me. I feel so used and discarded. But I know he’ll never change. I’m just so glad I found this site, because my family and friends are getting tired of hearing about it. They all hated him from the beginning. I just wish I would have listened to them sooner.

    1. Hi and welcome to the site. I am so sorry that it has taken so long to let your comment through Alexandra. YOu should be ok to post comments now. I am pleased that you have friends and family to support you. They will be your grounding, anchor and your sense of normality, reminding you of who you truly are, not who he made you into. I hope that you also receive good support from this site.

    2. @Edaldude your reply put a smile on my face! It’s amazing to see the support everyone is giving to each other. It really is crazy how all of the stories sound scarily similar. You’d think we had all been dating the same person.

      Nobody deserves to put up with what we all did. It’s mentally exhausting and really starts to make you question your self worth, especially when they’ve moved on to their next source. I can’t believe how many of us there are that have been exposed to this kind of vicious, empty human being. If you even want to call them human. I’m absolutely struggling with the fact that he has a new girlfriend, after 1 month. Declaring that he’s so happy and grateful to have such a great person in his life. It’s such bullshit. I don’t remember him being too grateful before he had this fancy job and I carried his ass around for almost the first full year of our relationship.

      The weird part is the sex wasn’t THAT great. I mean he had a high drive and all, but he was very selfish. Didn’t care if I got off, and if I didn’t feel like it he wouldn’t take no as an answer or he would sulk and be a complete jack ass. It was good sometimes, but for the most part he was so selfish. Still, picturing him with another woman makes me feel sick.

      I hope in time I can be as positive as everyone here! Everyone is right when they say they can’t change. He even admitted to me after one fight that he knew he had a problem, but he couldn’t change. That if I couldn’t handle it, he didn’t want me to go but I’d have to. I should have took the most honest words he said and ran like hell.

      I’m glad I have a group of strong individuals to guide me through this. Thanks so much to everyone for your support :)

      1. Phoenix- right on! Played while I typed….
        Ok, Alex, I was wrong about the one aspect- the vice many of us share on here. Have to abhor the thought for that can be an unfortunate side to many of these break ups ( at least for me, I’m a sucker for good lovin’!). Be glad that you don’t have the added burden of getting over THAT! And guess what? My spath said same thing early on about being a crazy. Chilling how common the phrase is- almost like they are part of some weird subspecies. Notice I say “sub” because they ain’t human, they are scary monsters. The spectrum from A-Z, but even if they are a little good at doing us all BAD, then they’re still the same in the end (if they are def. spaths/narciss= slobs). You know it’s not good when, early on, they’re telling you to “run”! Def. will be on the look out for that in the future, dare I say I ever run into another one.

        Even if you fall, Alex, like I have even up to last week ( NC since Thurs. night), I still have reached an important hurdle. That is, I realized in his embrace the other nite ( he pushed up against me), that he was not “with me”. He only came over to rub in my face that he bought a new luxury car and perhaps get a piece of a$$. He credits me with purchase, the fun weekend we had a year ago taking it out on test run after I saw at auto show that Fall & then that led him to purchase such a show-off car now.
        Boy I saw some bad behavior that weekend! I still say you can judge a person by how respectful they are whilst driving! He drives like a demon, honks at everything and everybody! I KNEW HE WAS AN ASSHOLE! I knew it. But nevertheless, I can’t believe what he actually admitted to me, hopefully my last text with him, where he basically apologizes for his crap, and said that he knew it was all BS! So, call it closure or whatever ( but don’t expect closure with these beasts) but when he called Friday night, I was back in from a great date with a new wonderful fella ( fingers crossed, so far so good!) and here comes Romeo on the phone. I just deleted the message. No desire to call or to listen. I really am growing after all this time! My mind is thinking of a great future these days, with…. ME!

      2. @edaldude Holy shit. The first time my ex and I broke up (this is now the second, and definitely the final) he did the same thing. Bought a brand new car, and sent me a picture of it. Just to rub it in my face! It’s funny how these people think so highly of themselves, like they’re the best thing since slice bread, but they are ALL the same.

        I can’t imagine how difficult it is for you, with him still trying to keep in contact and rub it in your face. I’m having a difficult time as it is with him having not contacted me at all for a full month, because I keep thinking that he does not care, and he has not thought about anything he has done (he probably hasn’t), but to have him continuously contact you. I know it must be so hard. I am proud of you though for focusing on YOU! You deserve all the love in the world and you need to keep reminding yourself of that. Let that be the last of contact, because the more you ignore, the more control you will hold. You will feel so empowered when you can go without trying to talk to him (I know it seems impossible, I feel that way everyday. All I want to do is call him and interfere with this new relationship of his, but we both know these men will NEVER change). Try to focus on going on dates with this new guy, let him treat you like you deserve to be treated. Even if nothing serious is developed, it will be nice to know there are still decent people left out in this world.

        For me, I’m trying to focus on me and my goals as well. I still have the most awful crushing feeling in my heart and stomach knowing he has moved on to someone new so fast. The scary and deranged thing is, he took a picture in the exact spot that we had for his profile pic on Facebook. It looks IDENTICAL. Everyone who has saw it commented on how creepy it is that it looks the same, but with a different girl. I just hope she realizes faster than I did. I know part of me just wants them to break up right away, and I know it’s selfish. But I hate feeling so used and abused when he’s over there having the time of his life with this new girl that has NO idea what he’s capable of. I guess we just need to take this one day at a time.

      3. A shout out to Alexandra & Phoenix ( i.e. everyone who reads this)!
        What a damn fantastic day- I can’t tell you how wonderful my life has become! Shout from the Universe! The beam of good fortune awaits us all! I have secured my 2nd date with my special fella today! I felt a bit confused since I didn’t hear from him yesterday, on phone. But he had a tough day ( Monday blues, who knew? Oh yeah, and CAR trouble, a definite downer!). Anyway, we chat and catch up between my phone meetings and then he texts to hit me up for lunch! I had a bizarre coincidence with a thing I want to share. It proves my theory that the Universe is amazing and forever infinitely magic:

        He sent me a link to his Utube channel this weekend, and strolling through it today I hit another music video ( him playing on keyboards) and the song sent a chill down my neck instantly. It’s the same ditty my bestus, most wonderful friend of all time ( who I lost in 2012), PENNY played- sorta of her trademark. She ALWAYS would play to warm up on the piano/keys since we were kids 40+ years! Tell me there isn’t a crazy coincidence vibe there! We all can connect to it! I love it, I love my Penny- she and my mom on the other side I know have all sorts of plans for my ass yet! I’m laughing all the way to my covers yall and grateful with this new gift. Oh yah- Dingledorf called this evening, TWICE! He must feel the great energy over here, he’s seething with jealousy. A trait he claims he doesn’t exhibit. HA- that’s all spath’s do is compare themselves to materialism BS to help with disguising their true pitiful selves. He won’t wreck this for me- I delete his message without listening!

        Thank God for the specialness of who we all are. Caring, loving, introspective beings on this blog. All here to help each other, cuz, hell, that’s what makes us US. Goodnight for now friends! ;-)

      4. Yay Edalude :)

        So proud of you gal :)

        Just keep moving away from the dinkledoodle or whatever you call him :)LOL….
        Keep No Contact as they love to have contact in any shape or form & mess with your head.
        Mine contacted me on Monday 27th here!!! 10 months after I last saw him.
        I have written about it & hopefully will post shortly ;)
        He had the audacity to call me after he initially reported me to the police when I went ballistic in the initial stages of the discard!
        I heeded the warning from the police, they were compassionate under the circumstances & really couldn’t see the problem except for the use of the description sleazebag in a text I sent him….so, I am the honest one ;)
        Anyway, he misses me blah,blah….I wouldn’t have answered but, thought I was well & truly clear of him.
        I have totally accepted what he is & I have ‘moved on’.
        I don’t want to hear/feel/see anything from him.

        So Eda, block him out, don’t let him spoil any part of your happiness ever again, he’s dead but, like damn zombies they can rise again eewww!!
        They love to play mind games & hate losing & even if you tell them to ‘take a long walk on a short pier’, they don’t get it!

        I love that your getting messages from loved one’s & I get that also :)

        Have a great new relationship & leave the Soc buried in the past where he belongs!

        love & Light :)
        PR xoxo

        P.S….Life is soooooo much better without them Yay :)

  34. I tried to post my story on here a few days ago but it is still saying the comment is awaiting moderation. Do I need to rewrite it? It helps me to get my story out and get feedback. I just feel so alone.

    1. Hi Alexandra. No don’t write it again sometimes I don’t see comments (it’s WordPress) I will go through the comments in a bit and see what ones are left in pending. I am so sorry that you haven’t yet received support. The best place to put it is on share your story. Am not on my computer right now (am on my phone) where I have limited access to comments I will do so later today x

      1. Thank you! I wasn’t sure whether or not it was on my end messing up. I’ll go to share your story. I’m still so confused whether or not my ex is actually a sociopath, a narcissist, or just flat out insane. I know in my heart he didn’t treat me right, I don’t know why I miss him so much.

      2. Alexandra ( ha! My godneice’s name!!) have no fear here- we can def. help you! This site is the go-to place for all of us devastated by sociopaths AND narcissism syndromes.

        I was moved by your story because, ONCE AGAIN, you have perfectly described my ( and tons of others on here) story! I did my online sleuthing to find out what the hell was wrong ( was it me? Was I being the cause?) the first summer we met. Petty arguments, needless drama, attitude on his part being displayed. Nothing good enough, no apologies from him when it mattered that he acknowledge his BS. Sound familiar?

        I had the misfortune of thinking, every time we had a blowout that I could “fix it with love”. Either physical or emotional. You say nothing is ever good enough with yours? I bet the physical part is though, am I right? Common trait, fantastic love-making ( ha! What an oxymoron with these creatures) and the feeling of satisfaction, only to argue about dinner right after! Drama is all they know. It’s about POWER.

        It took me joining a narcissism site the first year and ordering the online self-help books ( which I came to find was more for working with them then leaving them). Big mistake, unless they are truly wanting to change and aren’t true sociopaths, they won’t, and as positivagirl says, THEY CAN’T! The workbooks from this excellent website ( Kim & Steve Cooper in Australia run this excellent resource for Narcs) led to me doing a lot of inner self-reflection, which is never bad, but it kept me from abandoning a hopeless affair. When you saw the monster I saw, and still refused to change, deny relationship, etc. you have fallen for the gas lighting, the love bombing, you are under control. I should’ve known that all those red flags, your gut intuition, those are never wrong.

        Trust yourself and TIME that these feelings will pass. I have fallen and I just keep getting up! Now if you can be stronger, so be it! You and NOBODY deserves to be dumped on, abused either physically or mentally, or feel inferior. These are the traits that spaths do to you. Be strong and keep NO CONTACT. I don’t think he’ll press back too hard after taking that medicine!

        Whatever you do, keep us posted. We are all in this together and we all have super-human strength. Hold your arms up above your head and grunt! WHOOO- We got the Power!
        Talk about ‘getting heavy’- we’ve got all sorts of tools on here to overcome the mind load oppressing us from these massively creepy people! WELCOME

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