sociopath

Dating a sociopath?

How does it feel to date a sociopath?

At first the sociopath will assess you, he will find out what makes you tick. What are you worth? What can he get out of you?

They ask probing questions, and you feel swept off your feet. They seem to know you well. It can only be a soul mate connection, right?

They move in FAST

The relationship moves at speed, often this is before you feel ready for it.  This can make you question if there is something wrong with YOU, as you don’t feel that way yet, ‘perhaps you should’? You think.

They tell you all kinds of amazing things about yourself. Many of the things they say, will be mirrored back to you, from things that you have said earlier. With the probing questions, came answers that they will now manipulate you with. They will say anything that they can think of, to win you, to seduce you.

  • D0 you have money worries? No worries, they will financially support you.
  • You are feeling low about yourself? Do you have a lack of self-esteem? No worries, they will tell you how wonderful, beautiful, intelligent you are.
  • D0 you find it difficult to trust? Have you been let down by someone in the past? NO worries, they will show you morals, how moralistic they are, to build trust.
  • You are finding life difficult to cope with? No worries they will be the biggest help, they will listen intently, they will be there for you, they will be helpful, useful
  • Are you successful? Do you have money to share? No worries, they will help you spend it….

They will go to great lengths. Why? They do this because they are predators.

In asking those probing questions, with that predatory stare that sometimes unnerved you, they were finding out your weaknesses. Whilst confiding in them your insecurities, they were storing this information. Like a predator.

What happens next is the love bombing. They bombard you and want to spend all of their time with you. It is likely that they will move in with you. They will shower you with affection and attention. You feel you are the centre of their world.

In the following period, they will use all of the information learned about you in the assessment period, to use you, drain you, and to gain everything from you that they can. But you will not be aware of this.

It is not because you are stupid. It’s because they are practised at being this way and you, you are not used to detecting someone of this evil nature.

You will not notice at first, that there is a lack of link to their past, the absence of friends, and family. All of the usual connections will not be present. However, he will notice who provides support in your life.

Gradually, he will isolate you from those people who give you support. He will make comments, so that you fall out with those people. He knows that having you alone and isolated from support is where he thrives best. He doesn’t want you to talk to other people, who might warn you off of him.

You are too valuable, right now, you are their prize. You are the life source of which he has none. You give him what he has not. This includes money, family and friends and a roof over their head.

You will not notice that they are taking from you. Not at first anyway. Remember that this person is a compulsive pathological liar. They will say and do almost anything to protect their lie.

After a while, you realise that you are the only one who is giving and that he is taking. You start to feel a sense of loss. And then you object. This is when the gas lighting starts.

The seduction stage is now over.

The sociopath now moves into gaming mode. Now that he has gained your trust, and you have fallen in love, he has control. It is now time to play the game. Lies are told, and they talk at a rate of 1000 miles an hour, you become confused. If you object, they tell you that you are crazy. By now many of you have lost people close to you, and have nobody else to give you a reality check. They now have you exactly where they want you.

Maybe those people close to you did try to warn you. But with his help, you shut out those friends, after all they were just jealous, bitter, they don’t have what you have?

When you think about things that don’t add up they gas light you further, so you begin to question your own sanity.

You might start to realise what is going on. Maybe you have evidence, maybe all those lies do not add up. After months of confusion, you start to see the light…. just slightly.

The sociopath can now see the end is near, his game is almost up. Or at least nearly, but he will give it one last shot. He will go to great lengths to cover for himself, and tell you that you are paranoid and insecure. Maybe you are now starting to become this way. After all, your mind has been played with. You have been manipulated, and deceived.

You decide that you have had enough. Your life is now going to the pan. Perhaps you have lost your job, financially you have lost, maybe you have also lost friends and family in the time you were defending him and they were trying to talk sense into you.

You have invested so much and lost so much, this can’t be true it can’t be happening? You didn’t want all that loss for nothing ….and so you try to make it work.

But he knows that the game is up or at least coming near to. So, out of the blue, the truth starts to emerge. He will do this deliberately. Deliberately he will let you know exactly what was happening and how stupid you were. You will feel embarrassed and ashamed that this has happened to you.

You try to rebuild your life, to catch up with old friends and other people in your life, anything to get back to normality and away from him.

But he is not going to let you get away that easily. Remember those things you told him in the probing questioning, assessment stage? At the time when you thought he was the love of your life? Well those things are now the very things that he will use against you…

It is now time for the smear campaign. The sociopath now has nothing to lose. He can’t have people finding out about him, as he hates exposure. So, he will report things you did when confused and he was gas lighting you. He will now contact people close to you, to discredit you.

At the end of the relationship he will bombard you again. But this time it is not pleasant. He will stalk you and he will still keep close tabs on you.  He is still clinging on for the last bit of control that he has.

You feel so alone. So damaged and so confused. What the hell has happened? You cannot talk about this to the people who warned you off him, either they have left, or you cannot talk to them, after you defended him so strongly and who would believe you anyway?

You are left alone… confused, bewildered, damaged, maybe your life is totally ruined…

You search the internet desperate for answers, what has happened to you, and why? You need to understand. You are quite understandably devastated, confused, lost, and totally bewildered. Your mind has been played with, often for quite a considerable time.

And so you seek help. You go online, and you search for answers. Then, you find websites, you go through the list, Is this him? You want it not to be true. If you are seeking the answer, is my partner a sociopath? If you recognise the crazy behaviour of your partner in this post, the answer is probably yes.

Words © 2013 datingasociopath.com

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215 thoughts on “Dating a sociopath?”

  1. Hi, I posted on another link on here but not sure if it went through, anyhow I can’t find it! I feel a total fool right now after being sucked in so many times and the realisation is that my gut was right all along :( I first came across this site amongst others in April when I googled my fiance odd behaviour…ie I felt she had no conscience whatsoever at the time or sensitivity. You see my wife died 2 years ago, after a very long battle with depression she ended her own life leaving me devastated along with my to kids now aged 12 and 9. I was living in Australia at the time but returned to england last May to be close to family.

    Anyway I bumped in to an old female school friend although we had nothing really to do with each other and within minutes was asking my story as it had been over 20 years since we last met. Within half an hour I was added on a site and the messages bounced. I was hooked and was so perfect. Beautiful, funny, we just talked and talked. I couldn’t have been happier but looking back even in the early days there was flashes of temper and quite evil. Throughtout I loved her so much, gave her absolutely everything but sometimes subconsiously her enthusiam at times seed underwhelming like it was no big deal. I think buying a large house for us all to live in, paying off her 11000 car loan so we could buy a bigger one, trip to New york and jewellery clothes…all sorts and you get the idea! She has caused massive problems with my mum and sister who I moved back to be close to, and hence are now not speaking since the last time I got back with her! She was down right a bully to my kids and made out they were always lying when they saw through her…particulary my son. They just wanted us to split up apparently! Same as my mum and sister!! I never thought I was such a push over and stood my ground always but the begging pleading and cries for help were too much and always bowed down. I was her absolute love…she had never loved anyone before, she knew this because of how made her feel! Yet the very next day we would split she was straight on network site messaging men! During one break she sold the car because it was in her name and I lost 18000 by that time yet even when we got back together a week later there was no sincere regret….Ive apologised what more do you want…!! Blamed me for not supporting her and in so many words pretty much accused me of having a hand in my wifes suicide!! I still took her back!! Outsiders looking in call me a mug but have no idea. I would have done the same at one time but my god she is clever! She started therapy…on meds for depression ( she knew that would get my heart melting as its such a painful subject to me :( and seeing alledgedly a councillor! I really doubt that now! I have evidence and confronted her of being overly flirtatious but denied it without batting an eye lash!!

    Its over and thankyou for this site….such a sad common theme in all posts but early days for me. Im taking all your advice. I have to see her at school everyday as my daughter is in her sons class but I avoid all eye contact….saying that I saw her yesterday with such a smug look but didn’t bite! Today I didnt give her the satisfaction! There is so much more that i have to tell you and this really is the tip! At least I can wear smart casual now when Im not with her and wear aftershave again ;)

  2. I am dating a sociopath.
    I know it
    I feel it
    I have been warned
    But I’m stuck on this lie
    He will move soon
    I’m helping him to move away
    Sometimes he say he will move alone, another times, the less ones, that he hope I went with him.
    He is still talking with his ex wife, with his ex girlfriend, with his ex lover
    He doesn’t respect me
    Why I’m stuck?

    1. You are stuck because you are still in contact with him and not doing No Contact. This keeps you stuck and keeps you as a player in the game.

      To remove yourself from this cycle you have to do No Contact.

  3. Instead of stalking me, my sociopath is keeping well away. I suspect it must be something to do with how I tried to let people know about him. Perhaps he assessed things and decided it was smarter to let me be.

    He didn’t succeed in isolating me either. He disliked my closest friend and I now see it was he had no effect on her. She didn’t dislike him but she wasn’t bowled over by his charm.

    My sociopath is just 22 today, 27th Nov 2013. I believe he’s still honing his skills. Imagine how much better he’ll be at lying and manipulating by the time he’s 25 and 30 and 46. It’s a scary thought.

    I wonder though … what does it take for a sociopath to change? Can a sociopath change? Is it possible the girl he was with at the same time as he was with me is the love of his life and the one who will transform him? He certainly wanted to be with her more than he wanted to be with me. She was the one he considered his girlfriend. He told his friends he was cheating on her with me.

    I am, even now, wondering what I could have done to make the relationship work. I know it’s absurd … there wasn’t actually a relationship. There was just me, madly in love, and he handing out scraps of his time and attention, calling all the shots, making me feel desperate and needy.

    The extent of his deceit and his cold-heartedness sickens me. I can’t imsgine how anyone could be so cruel and unfeeling. He knew exactly my fears and insecurities. Hebknew how much I loved him. He used it all to make me confident of his affections. He played me so I thought he would be faithful and true. And then he left.

    Writing it out here helps me see that he’s a worthless scumbag who deserves nothing from me. He deserves no happiness, only heartache and misery.

    I want so much to be free of the memory of how he tricked me. I want to stop feeling love for this person who didn’t exist.

    I know all it’ll take is time so I have to be patient and just keep carrying out my amputation rituals, and reading this blog for strength.

      1. Hello :-) In going ahead with my exorcism plans and I’m very excited.

        This morning I burnt a bunch of notes detailing his character traits and curses directed at him.

        I also cut up a tshirt that belonged to him, that had several emblems of a fox’s head on it. He called himself Fox so I burnt one of the fox heads.

        I’m saving the others to burn later. I also ripped the neckline and it is now a ring of fabric which I will use to symbolise a noose which I will use to choke his effigy. He will die and I will be set free :-)

        Will post more about it.

        I know he will never change. I know the person I knew never existed.

        Good riddance to bad bad rotten putrefyinh rubbish. He will cook in his own rot and I shall be triumphant and whole.

        Thank you and Bless you, Pos!

    1. Oneredflower, my ex treated me the same way. You were in a relationship with him but they manipulate to make it seem that there is no relationship. That’s in their mind! Trust me he isn’t preferring to be with her anymore than you. Most likely she is feeding his supply of money, social life, or some other material need. They also love keeping a woman who is very independent and don’t require to be with their mate a lot. This is perfect for the sociopath because he can run game. I wrote about mines on “Report Your Ex” and his name is Glenn Ratcliffe of Wayne, NJ. I want to warn other women about him. You know the perfect movie that captures the behavior of a sociopath is “Dairy of A Mad Black Woman.”

      1. Hi normalisboringsoiheard, yes I love the ending of a movie where the victim gets the victory. I never seen “Temptation”. Who starred in that film? I will need to rent it.
        Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

      2. @cher

        Tyler Perry’s Temptation: confessions of a marriage counselor. Has Brandy, Kim Kardashian, Vanessa Williams, and some other less known people in it. The story is the same. But extreme and very real, and scary.

      3. Oh, I didn’t ever see that film work of Tyler. Maybe rent it this weekend.
        Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

  4. I need help so bad right now,I don’t know what to do. I have been left with no job,no money,I have multiple sclerosis,Im doing okay with that…I lost my job 4 months ago as a nurse d/t the fact I couldn’t keep up. He left me today. On thanksgiving. I have no cell phohe,as it was destroyed last night,I have lost all friends,and I think Im about to be homeless. I feel like im in a nightmare. someone please help me

    1. Honestly, Salvation Army should be able to help you through till county assist is avail on Monday. Only thing I can think of. If you don’t have a phone, find a police officer. They have the phone numbers and the ability (maybe not the desire) to help. If the officer doesn’t, ask for his/her card, this may change their mind about helping you, because if they are discourteous, you may complain. I wish you well.

    2. Hi Julie. First of all. Don’t panic. I know that is easier said. I have been there too. Job gone almost lost my home. I lost everything and I was unwell too. I will share what I learned with you too. Firstly the fact that he has done this today on thanksgiving shows what a dog he is. Secondly turn your attention not to what you have lost, but to what you still have and what you can salvage. Write a list of what you need to do. Are you entitled to welfare benefits? I don’t know rules in USA but I know if you were in UK you could get benefits. Please try not to panic. I know it seems bad right now. But you can rebuild your life. Try to focus on today. Focus your energy on what you can change. I understand that nightmare. I remember being there too. It is a sense of disbelief. Do you have parents? Call them if you do. I remember my mum driving to buy me food. I had nothing and would have starved.

  5. I cried when I read this , this is what a guy did to me ,four years he worked and played on me , one year on, and I am slowly rebuilding my life , but feel soo alone as people don’t understand the extent of the lies and betrayal and I feel soo ashamed it happened to me, soo embarrassed .. It doesn’t even feel like it was real, and some times I hope it isn’t real. It has taken me a year to finally delete his pictures and be strong enough not to contact him. And to remind myself I am worth soo much more ! I just hope he doesn’t come walking back into my life again !! Honestly my advice to anyone if you have that gut feeling things aren’t right , they probably are not … The mind games , the lying , the making you feel insecure … I hope I never go back there ever again !

  6. I was reading this above, about the “move fast”. I got in my car this morning and was listening to an old CD; I wasn’t sure what was on it. It was all love songs that I believe a former ex-soc compiled for me. On the last track, there was actually what sounded like a scripted marriage proposal, from him. Just nuts. I remember when he sent me the CD, I thought, “Is he nuts? He doesn’t even know me!” There were many, many other things, including him trying to move in and using my computer to go on dating sites, and a couple weeks later, a “goodbye note” when he moved out… for the second time. I remember him ultimately telling me that he shed a little tear when he had to move out, that he couldn’t believe I had treated HIM like I had (try, hadn’t put up with his sh#t in my own house!), that, out of all the women he had to choose from, he had CHOSEN me! Like that was some honor I was supposed to be grateful for! Why the #$@! did he have several to choose from at once in the first place?! Yeah, he didn’t last long with me.

  7. A couple sentences from a book I read:

    “Let us remember that his typical behavior defeats what appear to be his own
    aims. Is it not he himself who is most deeply deceived by his apparent normality?
    Although he deliberately cheats others and is quite conscious of his lies, he appears
    unable to distinguish adequately between his own pseudointentions, pseudoremorse,
    pseudolove, and the genuine responses of a normal person. His monumental lack of
    insight indicates how little he appreciates the nature of his disorder. When others fail to
    accept immediately his “word of honor as a gentleman,” his amazement, I believe, is often
    genuine. The term genuine is used here not to qualify the psychopath’s intentions but
    to qualify his amazement. His subjective experience is so bleached of deep emotion that
    he is invincibly ignorant of what life means to others.”

    what life means to others…

    “Vexation, spite, quick and labile flashes of quasi-affection, peevish resentment,
    shallow moods of self-pity, puerile attitudes of vanity, and absurd and showy poses of
    indignation are all within his emotional scale and are freely sounded as the
    circumstances of life play upon him. But mature, wholehearted anger, true or consistent
    indignation, honest, solid grief, sustaining pride, deep joy, and genuine despair are
    reactions not likely to be found within this scale.”

    What about love in his mind?… can that even exist in a shallow form?

    1. I think I answered my own question – “pseudolove” – depending on his capacity of playing the role to make it more believable, nothing but an actor.

  8. Hi Julie ,
    Please try to get a hold on yourself if u can . I know that’s easier said then done . Are u in the states ? I’m live in New York ( Long Island) .
    I know how u feel being alone an all, because I’m alone too . My family is in Germany and I’m the only one of my tribe in America .
    I feel so helpless for u . Also I don’t have any friends to speak of . Friends don’t want to hear u after a while and want u to get over it already . They don’t want to be mean , they just don’t understand our situation .
    Hon , do go to Social Services on Monday if u r in the States please .
    U can’t stay this way .
    I’m worried about u and I care about u .
    Nobody should have to go through this because we fell in love . What was done to us is so unbelievable it makes us sound crazy . But we’re not .
    Get up and eat something , take a shower and come back to this site .
    Read all u can the answers are here thanks to Positiva .
    I’m with u and I feel u XOXOXO

    1. I DONT MIND BEING ALONE. I MIND BEING ALONE WHEN I LOST EVERYTHING. THE SOCIAL SERVICES IN FLORIDA DO NOTHING FOR YOU. I EMAILED THE MS SOCIETY ASKING FOR HELP. THEY CANT HELP. 1 IN 4. REMEMBER.IVE READ ALL I CAN. I JUST NEED TO KNOW IT WASNT ME. IT WASNT MY FAULT.

      1. No its not your fault julie. Anyone who abuses does not ask for it. The’re is nothing so big that it cannot be healed managed or worked on. No problem is bigger than you. Someone once told me. That god never gives you more than you can carry. I still believe that this is true.

  9. because I lost my job January 11th. I have ms,and other illnesses. I am on ltd,check doesn’t come until December 9th. I have not a cent. the landlord called wanting rent. NO THIS ISNT HIS APARTMENT. HE SLITHERED HIS WAY IN. I HAD A JOB,I HAD EVERYTHING. NOW I HAVE NOTHING. HE WAS HELPING WITH THE BILLS. HE MOVED ONTO AN OCEAN FRONT HOME.

    1. Julie you need to calm. What type of tenancy or lease agreement do you have? This is the contract signed and gives you terms of the agreement between landlord and tenant. I don’t know USA housing law. But I do know UK housing law. Find that contract and see what it says. In the UK. Even if you are in rent arrears landlord ccannot evict without 2 months notice in writing and a court order for assured shorthold tenancy. Do you have your tenancy agreement? What does it say about eviction rental payment etc. Or if you tell me the type of teNancy/lease agreement you have and I will look up your rights for you. I have taken your comment with your number off of here for yours and others safety. Also sociopaths do frequent this site sometimes too. What you need to do is focus on what you can do and not what you can’t. I can’t get access to my computer right now to get your email. If you mail me at datingasociopagh@Hotmail.co.uk I can perhaps help you more. I am concerned with you putting private information on the site for your own safety.

      1. I found the lease agreement from when I moved in. From what I understand,d/t the spath paying the rent before I could have a chance to pay my half. we have never resigned a lease. I asked the spath that the other day. I live at the beach in a house with 3 apartments in it. very typical for laldlords to be lax about not signing a lease. I think

  10. I live in florida. it just hit me. the fact that there is no lease,buys me no time. im tired. nothing is going to work in my favor. I can feel it. thank you. they spath was my life,especially after I lost my job. I cant write. im spent. thank you to the awesome woman that called me. you rock!

    1. It looks as if in Florida it is 7 days notice if a pay or quit notice was served. But try not to panic. See what help you can get for welfare benefits too. Try to speak to the landlord there might be a way to come to an agreement if he/she sees you as otherwise a good tenant.

      1. im not on welfare. THERE IS NO HELP AND THE HEAT JUST WENT OUT AND ITS FREEZING. SOMETHING ALWAYS WEIRD LIKE THAT HAPPENS WHEN HE MOVES OUT. WHERE IS GOD. WHERE IS HE. I WANT TO DIE.

  11. here I am……Im alive. tuesday was the first day I got out of bed. Guys,am I a sociopath? Ive stalked him everytime he has left me. Ive done things I would have never done in my life with this guy…let the air out of his tires when he didn’t come home,broke his shit…….My first day out of the house,I passed him and followed him to his new place and begged him to come back. Isnt that what the spath does? begged like a disgusting,broken,needy,pathetic freak. That was the last time I talked to him. Saw my therapist right after,she contacted him and suggested he pay half of the electric and cable for November,and half of rent for December,since he left me in the blink of an eye. and he is going to. is he not a spath? y do I want him to be a spath? so I don’t have to take the blame? is it me? I am going to have to nix the long term disability and the wait for ssdi and go back to work,cuz I have always been able to support myself,and I have nowhere else to go. even my suicide post…was that spath of me? I so felt it. I was done. spent. I want this heartache to go away.

    1. Hey Julie, I did send you an email, but didn’t hear back from you. I am really pleased to hear that you are well!! Or at least, as well as you can be. It sounds as if you are looking into yourself. Which, although painful to do, can also be good.

      How are you about the practical matters in your life, as I know that this was a worry for you when you last posted? Are you feeling a bit better?

      1. I got a job today. I am a bit worried I cant keep up and will be fired than bye bye long term disability. but I cannot support myself. I now have to figure out a way to NOT let them know I have MS. Still haven’t eaten. am drinking fluids. still freaked out about money and catching up. do spaths offer to pay for everything,even when you don’t want them to,than throw it in your face? Why do I feel like im the freak?

      1. I dont have access to do that. I would need to go through every single post on the site (there are nearly 150 of them) and by hand amend them) I wish that they did have a button to simply change a name or delete posts. Unfortunately I don’t have the option :(

    1. I don’t do diagnosis bobbie. It does sound like you are hurting, and rightly so too. You have been cruelly discarded.

      Did you say that you were working with a therapist right now? What did the therapist say to you? Did you ask this question?

      1. she said he did me a favor by leaving and no I am not a sociopath. Does a sociopath freak out thinking they are a spath? My entire life,at the end of a relationship,ive always blamed myself,But im telling you,I got to the point with this guy,that my reactions were nuts. there was no talking feelings like adults…it was “why didn’t you come home last night honey” him…..”I had a bad night” If I went on with it any further,huge fight. he tried to kill himself 2 years ago,told his children,prior to his suicide,I was addicted to roxycodone. I didn’t even know what that was at the time. That was the 1st time I realized something isn’t right here. But I stayed. Kind of a “I hate you,dont leave me”

      2. I wouldn’t think that a sociopath would freak out that they are a sociopath. According to them, it is always everybody elses fault. They are never at fault. it is normal to act out towards someone that is abusing you. Does your therapist think that HE is a sociopath?

  12. here is the thing….I think it’s kind of like Charles Manson,bailing on someone. I mean,who would stay with Charlie? So when Manson leaves you,your goin…..huh? What could I have possible done to run off Charles manson? It had to be pretty bad. Do you know what I mean?

      1. I just read over the female sociopath. I am so not a sociopath. Im a big wuss when it comes to breaking up with a man,in fact,I don’t think I ever have. I could not imagine running off with multiple men. nope. not a spath.

  13. I don’t know. I just know,It got to where,I should have made him leave,and instead,he left coutless times,and I let him back,but didn’t forgive him. So I drove the crap he pulled on me,everytime we got in fight. I had never met someone that could not take responsibility,or that victim crap! He exploited my illness to his advantage so badly,I feel Like ive been urinated on.

  14. yes. Tuesday was the first day I let my therapist in on my relationship,as we talked about my job loss and illness and how to deal with that all this time I went. I was to embarrassed to tell her about my relationship,and hopeful…. I came in crying,told her,let her in on some things I know he has done in his past,and present. She was more concerned about me and said it isn’t uncommon,for loved one’s to leave their spouses,fiance’s.etc,when they lose their jobs. I read that same thing also on an MS message board. Maybe that’s why I feel like its my fault. However,when I was working,the guy would pay the bills,before I could pay my half,tell me “its okay honey” and than throw it in my face. I don’t know. Im so foggy. I am not,however,disabled! I accomplished getting my pilates teacher certification in the time I was off work,I did pilates and ballet daily. My head is a wreck. I have friggin MS! My Job wanted me gone…..my docs never said I couldn’t work. That’s another traumatic experience…fighting to work for the past year.

  15. I am just getting out of a relationship with a man that has destroyed me. He has hurt me at my core. I see now that it was all lies, deception, and manipulation. At first he was so amazing, I felt like our souls were connected and we were meant to be. He was the sweetest, kindest, most affectionate, loving, understanding, deep man I ever met. I finally found the man I was going to marry.

    But slowly I started noticing little lies, not just to me but to other people. He was fired from his job. The amazing seeming spiritual sex became less and less. He stopped coming to bed with me and would stay up on his computer until 3-6 am. He said he was depressed and just to wait it out. I found out he was snooping on my computer, reading my emails, looking through my phone. It hurt that he did that but I wasn’t mad, I didn’t have anything to hide from him. I have been loyal and honest and open with him about everything. Then I started noticing that he often didn’t follow through on what he said he was going to do. I thought it was the depression. I told him I would hang in there. He promised to get help.

    A few months later I found out some major lies and deception. He actually came clean with me, or so I thought, now I realize it was only the things I already knew (After he yelled at me, called me names and stormed out, I looked at his emails and found out he was seeing other women behind my back, writing to them about how much he wanted to be with them, and getting naked pictures from them and even posted an add on craigslist wanting random sex). But I though “oh, he came clean! He cares and has guilt and remorse.” He said he has told me everything and he is so sorry and will never do it again. He told me a bunch of excuses and pulled at my heart strings and manipulated me. I am very loving, kind, compassionate and forgiving, and he used that against me. And I took him back…

    Things never got better, I knew too much about his secrets. I tried everything to make things work between us. He blamed me for everything. He told me and made me feel like I am crazy. And I started to believe him. He said he wasn’t doing anything wrong or hiding anything, that I don’t need to know everything about his life, and that I was just paranoid, jealous and insecure and I just needed to trust him and stop questioning him. I started to believe him. I stopped trusting myself and felt like something was really wrong with me. When he didn’t do anything for me on my birthday (not even a card) he turned it around on me! Said I made him feel too pressured and he froze. Then he cancelled our vacation that I was so looking forward to. I took off the week and a half many months in advance. He cancelled the vacation the week before. He had no consideration for me or my time. But guess what? I still let him move in with me…

    Things just got even worse. He stopped talking to me about anything serious all together. He would just blame me, tell me to shut up, refuse to speak to me and would leave. I cried and cried and he stopped even responding to that. I would ask how he can be so cold and heartless. He said he doesn’t mean to be. But for the last couple months he has been going out of town every weekend to visit “friends.” (He always goes to the same place out of town. Where he used to live. He said he moved away from there because he was drinking too much and gave me all these sad stories about how his exes were so mean and cheated on him and verbally abused him. He said an ex spread horrible lies about him. I felt so sad for him when he told me this a year ago…how could anyone treat this sweet man so horribly?? ) But he has been going there every weekend for a couple months. He doesn’t ever know where he is going to stay when he goes there. Maybe with a friend or a hotel? He doesn’t have an answer. He had been there only a few times earlier in our relationship but was now going all the time. He would never answer my calls or call me back when he was out of town. I would get so upset but he would tell me he was just busy or just not really explain. He would tell me that I was paranoid and crazy. I believed him. I felt crazy! He has never invited me to this place.

    About a month ago I heard a voice message from a girl that made it sound pretty clear that he spent the night with her. When I asked he got so angry with me and said he didn’t. I was so upset left to go to my parents and when I got home he was gone. He went out of town again. Since then he has been so different. So cold towards me. Said he thinks he should move out, that he needs to work on himself. That he wants a break. This is all a bunch of bs. We decided to take a break because I do actually want to work on myself and regain my self-esteem. But he still lives with me. It hasn’t even been 2 weeks since we decided to take a break. I found out more lies last week and even with factual evidence of his lies in front of us he still tried to lie to me. He finally admitted that he stayed with 2 different women on consecutive nights last weekend. I watch his dog (who I love) when he goes out of town. I watch his dog for him while he is sleeping with other women. OMG, who have I become??? He has just been using me. That night (just last Wednesday) he told me that it is my fault that he HAD to lie to me about things. And that he isn’t sorry for hurting me. He isn’t sorry or feel any guilt about the lies he’s told me. He wouldn’t leave my house because he doesn’t have anywhere to stay. He stayed with one of the women because I put him on the street one night, it was MY fault. So I left. My own house.

    I have cried so much and tried so hard to make this work. I have expressed to him how much his actions have hurt me and that I just don’t understand. I have been so confused. For months and months I have been hurting and confused! A couple days ago he sent me a message thanking me for letting him stay there (um, I tried to kick him out!). He is sorry for hurting me and being cold. He wants to go out of town this weekend. He is considering moving back there. Can I watch his dog. OMG! I said he needs to take his dog; I LOVE his dog but I am NOT going to watch his dog while he is hooking up with other women anymore. He then asks if I want him to take the dog to teach him a lesson or so I really not want the dog around… How effing low. He is so mean to do that to me, he knows how much I love his dog and that I would never say I wouldn’t want him around. He is still out of town and did take the dog. He stole money from me last weekend and said he would pay me back a few days ago. He won’t respond to my texts about it so I have a feeling I will never get that money back. All his things are still at my house, he still has a key. I don’t know how he can live with himself. I just don’t understand. I thought he loved me, I thought he cared about me. I am completely devastated. I will never trust anyone again.

    1. Hi kes 79 ,
      the fact that you have our secret society means help is on the way !
      Welcome !!!!!
      I’m so sorry you’re in so much pain .
      We know how you feel hun and we’re
      here for you .
      This is without a doubt THE most traumatic experience you will ever go through and u will get trough it .
      You are not alone , there are millions of us . Each with our own story that sound strangely the same .
      We all have danced with the Devil and are trying to get our life’s back on track .
      Read all the posts Positiva has written and learn about this disorder . It will help you understand .
      Come back and write
      , rant , cry or vent
      What ever you feel like when ever you
      Feel like . Just know you’re not alone !
      Sending love &peace !

  16. Wow! All of this sounds way too familiar. The moment my therapist said that he sounded like a sociopath, I knew it. My mind is going crazy. I keep reading his blog posts and making contact with new people he knows. Part of me wants to hurt him like he hurt me, and then I remind myself that he can’t feel it anyway. Part of me wants to cry and feel sorry for myself, but I just end up feeling sorry for him for not being able to get help, or like I am abandoning him when I could help. The last part of me wants to be able to eat and sleep, but I just can’t. I found out on Sunday that he was dating another woman. Since then, I have not been healthy. It feels like if I can’t tell of my mind is being manipulated, maybe I can’t tell if my body is just telling me I’m hungry when I’m not. I don’t trust my own self right now.

    It’s not even that I cared, other than feeling sorry for her too, that he was with someone else. I care because items that everything I had a gut-feeling about came true. All the lies, the deceit, the manipulation….all of it came pouring out. It’s so ugly.

    I think today I am struggling the most with not understanding if my feelings were ever real. This sucks so much.

    1. Hi Lindsey
      Welcome to this wonderful site.

      I hope you find the support and comfort you need here.

      I think it’s normal to want to hurt him back. Don’t be too hard on yrself. In fact, be very kind to yrself: you deserve it.

      What others here will also tell you and what I can’t stress enough: establishing No Contact is important to healing. This includes not reading blog posts, Facebook updates, Tweets etc. They will only confuse you and make you sad, as well as prolong the link to him.

      When you feel like looking, come here instead and read the posts and comments.

      Be strong and know you are wonderful.

      And feel free to reach out. We all want to share and help.

      Hugs.

      Love and Peace
      OneRedFlower

  17. The funny thing is, my boyfriend admits he’s a sociopath. I don’t know if that’s something a sociopath would even do. He says he has traits, however for some reason I feel ‘stuck’ with him and I don’t know how to get out. He’s ensured I’m every bit dependent on him. I really need to know how to break up with him. It’s so frustrating to ‘understand’ him all the time that I’m losing request for myself now.

    1. Hi Black, welcome to the site. He does this deliberately. Making you spend all of your time, ‘understanding’ him. Or feigning illness, so that all attention is on him – and therefore you don’t have time for you, or to care for your own needs. He does this deliberately its all part of the strategy. To break up with him, if he doesn’t want it. Can be NOT an easy process. I should warn. If they don’t want it, all hell can break loose. You could just NOT do things for him anymore. Don’t take care of yourself. Be someone that is not an attractive option for him. Don’t listen to him. don’t allow him to control you. BECOME boring (they hate being bored) – switch off. Look like crap. Pick a fight. Question him, its a hard task, but it can be made easier if its his decision to leave rather than yours.

  18. Thank you, Ladybug. He still hasn’t moved out. We were actually talking about working things out. (What is wrong with me that I wanted to work things out?!) We’ve been intimate even. BUT last night I found out he’s been sleeping with another woman unprotected and it sounds like many other women as well. So he not only put my mental health but my physical health is at risk. I threw some of his clothes in garbage bags and when he got home I told him to take those and he can get his dog and the rest of his things at another time.

    How I finally got some truth about what he has been up to is that I sent this woman a text pleading for some truth about what is going on, and she gave some to me. (it was the same woman in my previous message, I was smart enough to jot down her phone number just in case, in case of what? I don’t know) Then late into the night she proceeded to drunkenly (probably on other drugs too) text me calling ME names and wouldn’t stop texting me/harassing me and threatening me. I can only imagine the lies he’s told her about me to gain her sympathy. I stopped engaging her and just ignored her but she didn’t stop for like 1.5 hours. She is married (getting divorced apparently) and knew he had a girlfriend he was living with so when she said he hurt her too, I was like, what did you expect?? Anyways, he’s really the problem and hopefully she won’t bother me again. I don’t care what she thinks of me, she has never even met me. I cannot believe the amount of lies, deceit, false promises , and BS he has said to my face. I just don’t understand how he can do this to me. I don’t deserve this. It makes me sick to my stomach knowing that he touched me after he slept with some random women UNPROTECTED and now I have to go get tested because of it. I knew he was selfish but I really didn’t think he would do these things to me, to go this low. I need to let go of the hope I have about him being a good person deep down inside that mess. I still love him and care about him but I cannot have him in my life in any way. I don’t know if he is a sex addict or just keeps trying to fill some void, but I am tired of the confusion and trying to figure out what is going on with him and how I can help him and encouraging him to get help. I just need to accept these things actually have happened and this is actually who he is and let go. But I am so devastated right now I am not sure how to do that. I feel like he has completely broken me. I feel like there is no way anything like this has happened to anyone else. That people like him don’t really exist. Reading this site is so weird. It feels good and horrible at the same time to know I am not alone. I don’t wish even 1% of what he has done to me on anyone.

  19. Oh and he is all sad because said girl was apparently messing around with other guys…on Friday or Saturday night she messed around with a mutual friend of theirs.So he came home to me all sad saying he is sorry things have been so shitty between us… But now he just has more leverage for his victim role he plays to hook other women.

  20. I went out of town for 5 days to orientate for a new job. I was fine,better than fine. I got home….it feels like I am back to day one…this apartment is all him…its so empty,I feel so empty…the fact we were together for 4 years,and I’ve done NC for 2 months,and haven’t heard a word from him…is kinda making me feel like I may go crazy. I do not get it. I am sooooo tired of feeling this way. If I could,I can tell ya,moving would help. I keep playing these games in my head “maybe he is afraid to contact me” ” I am 45 years old,I will never get over this,I will never have another relationship again” I tell ya,it blew my mind,how bad I felt when I got home. help.

    1. It’s so very hard to realize someone you loved so, dearly will leave your life forever, but in time you will come to terms that being with a sociopath it never does last Thank God your young enough to have another relationship without the crazy life that the sociopath creates ,,I was with mine for 8 years and had to move because of so many bad memories but no matter where u go you can’t run from the healing process. Pray pray and just think if you did talk to him you would have to start all over again. Oh how I feel your pain.. Also. Remember yout withdrawal process is going on too. Love and peace ml

      1. its terrible. Awful. I felt better before I left to go out of town,now I am back to laying in bed,not eating,scared of the world,low self-esteem,self worth,fear beyond belief….this isn’t fair….it just isn’t. I am so tired of this feeling. So tired. I want it go away. I feel ive been threw a lot of shit in my life,and cant I jus get a “pass” on having to go threw these emotions? it’s to much. Ive done NC…written a list,everything suggested,and it isn’t working. I am afraid to drive down the street in fear I will see with some new girl. This isn’t fair.And to add insult to injury,I caught him in the front apartment,of the 3 apartment house I live in,with his shirt off and and with the girl that lives in said apartment,in her a nighty months before he moved out…so that crap Is around me….When she talks to me she is way to curious about my life,and I feel like she is reporting everything back to him. This is hell,pure hell. my head is all over the place.

      2. Bobbi, you need to go find a gym and use a punching bag. Get up and out of that place. Go to a sports bar or movie theater. If you can, move out of that place. If you can’t move, get rid of the furniture and buy new stuff.
        Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

      3. No wonder you don’t want to get out of bed. If you can move (or make plans for moving), that really might help. You’re not obligated to talk to his fool mistress. Permission to blow her off.

    2. Bobbi Jean, I don’t know if you have Showtime channel but “Diary of a Mad Black Woman” is on cable. It will make you feel better.
      Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

    3. Hi BJ,
      First, I’m glad to hear prep for the job is going so well. It sounds like a great focus area for you.

      I can understand about the apartment space being a downer. You break away for a time only feel like you’re metaphorically returning to being bound, and in your head, you are still half in, half out.

      Something that helped me (but, it took a long time to “want” this) was to pray for a gate to close on negative thoughts and thoughts of him trying to infiltrate my mind. When I decided this was contrary to helping me move forwarded, I decided I wanted to block it. Once I had the resolve and prayed, it really took care of itself.

      Something else that helped here immensely was adding a pet to our little family. It was beyond a distraction, it has brought me great happiness and joy. Even if a pet isn’t a possibility since you have the job, maybe consider making changes inside the apartment that reflect some new you—new linens, new utensils, new bathroom rugs—just surround yourself with things that please you. Maybe even paint, if allowed.

      Anyway, I hope things continue to improve for you, you already sound like a different person.

      1. I saw that sick fuck today….just left ballet,and passes him. I puked. And tomorrow is my 1st day of a very stressful nursing job,and i know i should be grateful….im terrified. I cnt concentrate,it was such a set bck leaving town and coming bck,than passing him today. I feel like i am gonna drop from stress. I cannot afford new things…as he left,4 months after i lost my last job….of 11 years!! Im playing catch up,have to file medical bankruptcy as i have stupid multiple sclerosis. Whats the point to ny of this? Doesnt god kn0bw,when a person has reached their limit?

      2. The bible talks about these fuck heads having a seired conscious. Me for one beleive this because I experienced it on every level, from physical abuse , mental and financial. Being kicked in the back to being left on the freeway at 3 am kicked out of my own car, and back handed in the face. Oh I could go on but these monsters will rotte in hell.

      3. @bj

        OMG you do ballet? I would go lose my self in this!! To hell with him!! I would LOVE to be able to do anything!! And apparently God thinks your doing great! 😊! Good luck tomorrow! I think it’s going to be a great day! Doing the Cabbage patch dance for you!

        NIBSIH!

    4. @BJ
      Soooo he was carrying on with someone in your building? Hmmm, if you think she is reporting back to him, make sure you are happy and dressed when you see her and casually mention, you’ve been hearing he has a very busy social calendar. But she would know, and smile, say your running late and walk away confidently, don’t look back. And if you do look back, it’s just to say oh have a good day! And smile. She will be steamed, if she isn’t on her phone texting or calling him. Works every time. How do I know, I use it occasionally on “the current” just to be mean. I know. Don’t chastise me. They get on my nerves. Trying to save my ex, from his stupid self and they cost me money. The current one is ruining my reputation.

      1. @ML
        Tell me about it!! I CANNOT wait until my children are 18, (7 yrs 5 months). Then FULL ON NO CONTACT! YES! Party, party party party!! 💃, this will be me, cha cha girl! My name will go back to maiden name, and I will move away.

        NIBSIH

  21. I am soooo angry today! I am not sure if this or the sadness is better. I got my test results back and luckily the POS didn’t give me any STDs. He finally found a place to live so is moving his things out and taking his dog (who I love soooo much) this week at some point. I’m really sad about his dog leaving:(

    It would have been our Anniversary today… I was so sad when I woke up. He’s been saying he still loves me and cares about me. Why does he even say that to me? He was never really faithful to me, whether it was psychical, emotional or verbal cheating, it doesn’t matter. And apparently he is trying to “make things work: with that girl I got SOME truth from. She sent me another text this weekend. WTF? I just ignored it. She has no idea what he is really like and at times I want to tell her exactly who he really is and the crap he does…but she probably wouldn’t believe me anyways. I can only imagine the bullshit he has told her about me to gain her sympathy. And currently he is staying with a different woman that he saw behind my back this past summer. He said nothing ever happened with her when we were together or even now, that they were just friends and since I kicked him out he had no where else to go. He is so good at blaming me for everything and making me feel bad for him and that everything is my fault. He is so fucking good at manipulating me.
    UGH, EVERYTHING he says is bullshit. He has apologized to me for lying to me and hurting me, but not for what he has actually done. I am trying not to but I keep going to the place where I am asking what is wrong with me. Why did he lie to me all the time and treat me like crap and see other women. Every time I see him or get a message from him my emotions go all over the place. How the fuck do I move on from this?

    1. Kes79, first off, get yourself another dog. You don’t need anything that reminds you of his ass. Secondly, these people are never sorry and don’t know what love is. Its a script of lines to them. My ex said the same thing but turned around to tell me I was psycho. You keep going over the memories because he spent a lot of time grooming you. Don’t dwell on it and cut off communication with his new gf. She sounds like a sociopath because why would a woman keep talking to her boyfriends ex gf? It only to take pleasure in getting off in hurting you. Lastly, go volunteer for a good cause. This will occupy your mind and get the old you back.
      Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

  22. My ex SP Glenn Ratcliffe keeps re-opening and forwarding my old emails sent to him. Or, its his crazy gf accessing it on his phone again. I’m not going to react bc that’s his motive. All I know should he or she put my pic on some dating site or try to bad mouth me online, I will be pissed. Anyone with a suggestion on this? Why does he keep my old emails and photos anyway?

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