Tips and tricks to bring focus back to you after dating the sociopath

When you are in the relationship with the sociopath, there is little time to focus on you and your needs. Your head space, and often physical space, has been taken up with the sociopath.  It is difficult to even have time to think, you forget how to focus on you.

It can feel like a BLACK HOLE when the relationship ends. After all, somebody has been controlling you. Controlling everything about your life. You will have become used to not thinking for yourself or that if you did, you faced constant accusations of things that you haven’t done.

Whilst it is important to get answers to understand what has happened to you, you need this for closure, everybody needs answers. Reading my site and other sources of information on the net, will give you the answers that you need (you wont get them from the sociopath).  It is important to take time out from learning and understanding, to focus on you.

Why it is not easy to just ‘focus on you’

As written above when you have been manipulated and controlled you move out of your natural zone to think about your own needs. You were manipulated like a puppet on a string. You stopped thinking for you, about you. You might as well have been invisible. In front of you, stood someone who was hiding behind the mask of illusion. The master manipulator, illusionist, and magician. It can be difficult to know what is real, what is true and what is a lie. When you go through this, you stop trusting yourself, stop trusting your own judgement. Stop looking out for you, and the focus is on somebody else and not on you.

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Your head might feel foggy and you might experience the following

  • Fear of making your own decisions and doing things for yourself (what if he/she comes back and causes trouble)
  • Not really wanting the relationship to be over, and  not wanting to move on (holding yourself back)
  • After a long time being manipulated, controlled and emotionally abused not trusting or believing in yourself
  • Being unsure what you want/think/feel, or even confusion about who you really are
  • Fearing that if you make a decision, something will go wrong. Having operated in a space where if you do ‘nothing’ nothing bad will happen, for such a long time – it can be difficult to start making decisions for yourself again.
  • Being hopeful, that perhaps he/she isn’t a sociopath, and will or can change
  • Going back sometimes again and again only to discover that the above is a myth. If you have your fingers burned enough times, eventually your mind will catch up with what your heart already knows

It is ok to let it go.  I know that this person played your ‘best friend’ but realistically would you treat your best friend the way that your sociopathic partner has treated you? It can be difficult to learn to focus on you and your life, especially at first when you are in the fog of illusion, and deception (often fuelled by the sociopaths further lies and constant promises to change, and the bright and beautiful life you were promised).

There are techniques that you can do to help you with bringing the focus back to you. It works, and I know that it works as I have done it myself, and over many years I worked with homeless people, including those leaving abusive/violent relationships, I observed results with them too. They became empowered, healed and moved on with their life in a more positive way.

The steps that you need to take

  • Bring back the focus to you. Try not to focus on the sociopath. It is OK and healthy to learn all that you can for closure. But if you find more of your time is taken focusing on the sociopath, leaving no time for you and your own life, you will remain stuck. If you find yourself ‘obsessing’ try to keep yourself busy. If you can’t think of anything. Write…. just get it down on paper
  • Realise that after an abusive relationship you will be in a period of healing and recovery. The sociopath deliberately creates dependence by making you addicted to him/her (I have written separately about this in another post). You therefore need to realise that you will
  • Go through the 5 stages of grief and the healing process. You would likely go through this with any relationship ending, but this is especially so after a relationship with the sociopath
  • Need to be realistic about the time frame for recovery. As with any relationship ending, it can take time to adjust and for your heart to mend. If you were in the relationship for a very long time, it might take some time to heal. It is not realistic to expect to heal from 20 years of healing and recovery, in a month.  How long? However long you want!! It is up to you how long the healing and recovery takes.
  • Remain ‘stuck’ if you focus on hatred of the sociopath. This is neither healthy or helpful for recovery. To fully recovery, you need to get to the final stage of the grief and healing and that is ‘acceptance’. When you accept, you accept that you cannot change the sociopath but you can change you!!
  • Try to stay with the present as much as you can whilst healing and in recovery. The exception to this is to have old friends, family, people you trust in your life. Surround yourself with people who care about you. If the sociopath has managed to isolate you, relish time on your own. Time to take care of your own needs. Remember what silence there can be in healing. If you experience constant chatter in your mind, try to do something to change your mind. Pick up the phone, call a friend, go for a walk, start researching for something you want to do for the future.
  • Remember that there are only two primary  emotions – love and fear – the sociopath exploited these emotions to manipulate you and abuse you. Start to manipulate yourself. If you find yourself obsessing and hating (either yourself or the sociopath) realise that this is based on fear. So switch it around (change your thinking change your life) as soon as (if practically possible) those thoughts creep into your mind – try to do something to cheer yourself up (even if it is a walk to the park to appreciate the beauty of nature).

Most important things to do

  • Write !!!! 1. Write lists -
  • a) Why you miss the sociopath – what are you missing?
  • b) Write all the bad things he/she did and why you are better off without him/her
  • c) A list of short term goals (things you want to do, need to do) anything to rebuild you and your life – make sure that you put in one long term goal to work towards also – this will help you to focus back onto you
  • Whenever you find your mind wandering – if you are feeling bad –  or feeling upset – remember this is FEAR (fear of being alone, fear that what the sociopath said about you is true, fear of what will happen to you ect), it is important to switch off this negative chatter in your mind – and replace with LOVE. Do something that you love. Or write a list of things that you want to do/need to do – what do YOU want (and not the sociopath – it didn’t bring you happiness before, nothing will change)
  • Start no contact and stick to it. Realise that the sociopath stuck to you like glue, this was flattering at first, but draining and suffocating later… remember this is like addiction. You need to quit what is bad for you (like quitting smoking) – and go through the withdrawal period before you feel better. But like quitting smoking if you continue to have just  ‘one more puff’ it will be difficult…. make it easier for yourself – quit and stay quit. And if temptation comes your way (the sociopath strives for contact), be loyal and true to you, not the sociopath. Remember that you cannot fix the sociopath, but you can fix you
  • Make sure that your goals are SMART – SPECIFIC (what do you want to achieve,, write it down), Measured (how will you know that you have achieved it?) REALISTIC (be realistic – you are not going to fly to the moon tomorrow, no matter if you really want to do this) – TIME FRAME – (set yourself a time frame to achieve this goal) – again be realistic. It is important to remember that your goal setting is SMART – by doing this you will make goals that you can achieve. Being in an abusive relationship is damaging to your self esteem – it might sound silly – but writing smart lists of goals – as many short term as you like and at least ONE long term goal)  - you will rise in self esteem as tick one more goal that you have achieved off of your list

By doing the above you should start to bring back the focus to YOU. You cannot change the sociopath, but you can change you!! :)

Words © datingasociopath.com

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51 thoughts on “Tips and tricks to bring focus back to you after dating the sociopath”

  1. Great post!! I see myself here when I was going through the grief process, So glad I’m over it and very happy with my life. The only thing I fear now, is him finding me,

  2. This really helped cheer me up, I am in an early “no contact” “black hole” funk, and didn’t think anything could help me feel better. Your writing is so wise and helpful. So many things resonant in this, such as constantly being accused of things even though all I do is try to be loving and helpful. I’ve done “no contact” before, and sometimes I easily find I can focus on myself, like you write about, and I feel pretty good. But other times, it is just impossible. This was one of those times, and your article really helps. Thank you so much. (P.S. I also comment on your posts on facebook!)

    1. Thank you Mindy!! :) I know that people are at different stages of healing and recovery. I know that I often write that you need to focus on you (this is true) but as you say this is easier said than done. I am glad that it helped you :)

  3. Great Post & a very timely reminder as it’s like a see-saw of emotions.
    I get to a healthy place & then I read, hear or feel something pulling me back to thoughts of my time with the Soc!
    I am doing all of the above & growing through the pain & hopefully gaining my self respect.
    It’s not our fault & my soul is healing the shame I feel.
    Once you love yourself your on the home track & I’m almost there & love is all around & within :)
    I thank you once again, I hope that you are feeling much better also.
    Thank you to all here also on this journey as the support & the shared feelings has been extremely helpful & we are not alone :)

    Be Happy :)
    PR xoxo

    1. Thank you PR you give so much love, help and care to others (and this is healing for you too). I think it is normal to go backwards and forwards. i think this is why I say it is not useful for healing – to focus on hatred. As it will hold you back. Think of it like a normal breakup (the disordered part was in your partners mind) – it is not part of you…. you can’t change that part unfortunately. Also bear in mind how long you were in the relationship for (I can’t remember how long you said) – but the longer the relationship the longer it takes to heal. (just like any other relationship ending) – Also. if you think about it, in the most simple terms if a healthy relationship ended – and you were still hating that person 6 months later – you would ask yourself who has the problem? It is hard as you can remember the good – but then how much of that good was real. It was just an illusion. Try to focus on the lessons that you have learned, the wisdom that you have gained, and what this wisdom has given to you and your life. Sending you a hug, you are not alone – and thank you for all your contributions to this site. This last week has not been great for me, so i haven’t written as regularly as I normally would. Thank you PR :) x

      1. Hey Pos, I had a feeling you weren’t great but, didn’t want to pry :(

        I don’t hate my Soc just the fall out that he caused.
        I hate the fact that I was used & like you have a lot of other stuff to contend with.
        As you said it depends on the length of time (10 years) so, I am hoping I don’t have to take 10 years to recover?
        I am getting stronger everyday but, turned 50 last Monday. :)
        I have come this far & have had amazing support both online & in reality :)
        I am like you & only want to help people heal & love themselves.
        I think we would all be great friends if we ever met & I send a big huge hug & love to you all ;)
        Keep up the great work Positiva ;)
        We will all get there together, I have said this before but, you are a lifesaver just when I needed you :)

        Desiderata always my friend :)
        PR xoxox

      2. 10 years is a very long time PR. That will take a lot of healing and recovery (it would if the person was a normal person and you had just fallen out of love) – as how do you find yourself again? You cant go back to the person that you were 10 years ago. You therefore need to build a new you. Also, you might have to mourn the old you. The person that you were 10 years before, who you cannot be again (nobody is – we pass decades in our life for a reason). One of the most important things is to forgive yourself. You will go through so many emotions – one of those is allowing that to happen to you for that time. There will be times when you feel pain to reach out to the person that you were 10 years ago and confusion of not knowing who or what to be. When i studied counselling, I found gestalt therapy was really useful. This works on finding the whole of you. To realise that person that you were 10 years ago, is still you and still a part of you. (this is where articles on reclaiming yourself in the mirror came from). I found practising gestalt therapy – was really useful – mine wasn’t from an abusive relationship, but it was one more than 7 years long. I had gone back to Uni to complete my counselling certificate and I felt lost. I wasn’t the person that I was the last time I was at Uni doing my degree. That therapy helped me to realise that I still was, and always will be that person that I was all of those years ago…. that is how I reclaimed me. I don’t know if this makes sense? x

      3. It makes heaps of sense, remember we have found each other for a reason :)
        I sometimes want to grab my 10 year ago self & shake her!!! (LOL)
        I was fresh out of a 19 year marriage with an ADHD so, was wide open for more abuse :(
        I realise my misfortune of coming into contact with the Soc so,soon after my miserable marriage. My ex left with the receptionist in our business & we lost everything, home,business,car & my kids were so traumatised (am still fixing my son ;(…)
        I met the Soc because he is a car dealer as well as a fireman & saw me coming literally!!
        I would never have met him if my ex-husband had continued to pay the lease on our car but, alas that’s how we met.
        My Soc was so supportive & the rest is history!
        I would probably still be in the cycle if the OW hadn’t exposed him so, I have to realise that fact also. I am grateful that it’s over & am doing everything recommended but, as you know other triggers come back to haunt you :9
        I have a fantastic support base so, like Dorothy in the Wizard Of Oz am journeying back home to me…with a brain, a heart & courage (my favorite character is the Lion ;)

        Your are a great support, thank you doesn’t seem enough but, I mean it from the bottom of my heart :) :)

        My Way Shower :)

      4. When I went through this it was 2007/8. I hadn’t realised that I had walked around lost since I had left Uni in 2000. I started my counselling course at the same university that I studied my degree. Back then I was young, vibrant, popular. My course I had to do a few weekends as well as once a week for a year. This particular weekend, I had gone to the toilet in break. it was the same toilet in the bar, where I had been at uni. i had worked in the student union bar. As I washed my hands in the mirror I stared at the person staring back at me. I likely didn’t look that much different. But I felt so much different. That weekend the course material was gestalt therapy. (what a gift) when you study on a counselling course you have to be counselled yourself. That is what I worked on. That is (without me realising until now) – where the post reclaiming the person in the mirror came from – how odd I only just realised this!!…. gestalt therapy helps you to realise that you are whole. That who you were when you were 5,10,20,30 etc…. are STILL all part of who you are. I realised that I felt sad, confused that I didn’t know who i was anymore. You know what, once I had reclaimed that person in the mirror, I actually felt younger. It was probably no accident that 2008 was the most liberating free year – where i felt younger than I had ever felt in my life. it was an amazing year — (like a holiday of fun for a year) – course it didn’t last as 2009 brought pregnancy – 2010 brought fullterm still birth – and the years afterwards recovering from PTSD. If I hadn’t done the year of counselling to fix me heal me, make me stronger there is no way that I would have coped with what happened in the following years. I wasn’t strong enough. I could never write how gestalt therapy works. As it is face to face counselling (you observe someones body language as well as what they say) and get to the core of someone — (unfortunately I cant do this on my blog) how I wish I could — if you wanted to try therapy I could really recommend gestalt therapy – if it is available where you are – it might help you to reclaim yourself. Also… now you are learning to be alone. You will gain strength from this. Be realistic – 10 years is a very long time…. its going to take a while, and likely you would have had to recover from two relationships at the same time (as you had no break between the two) – out of the other side – will emerge the shiny brilliant you!! :)

      5. Awww thank you & yes I am going to look into the Gestalt Therapy :)

        I am so sorry for your loss :( I actually had two close friends experience the same trauma :(
        I nearly lost my first child, she was born with a perfect knot in her cord but, somehow it never managed to cut off her life supply so lucky!
        You would be a wonderful mother as you are mothering us all with love, compassion & we are all connected to you :)
        Your love & life experience has helped all of us here so much :)
        Your wisdom is a treasure & I hope you feel the Angels Wings wrapped around you right now :)
        You will find a feather soon so, you’ll know :)
        I thank you for your part in my journey xoxo

      6. Wow Pos, I saw a feather in my mind when thinking of you :)
        At least my guides are still here & sending me amazing messages :)
        I will defiantly be looking at that site & I have booked a Gestalt Therapy session :)

        Gee the Angels are working overtime today :)
        Love & Light to you :)

        xoxo

      7. Well you have been working overtime. I think you will like that site. I have just read some of the things there – should make you feel good. it was written around the time that I started this blog. My brain had been frozen in shock with PTSD for 3 years – and i went on a bit of a writing frenzy – I had so much to say. After years of not being able to say very much at all. The photo in that article is the actual feather that was on the table in the garden that day. You are right. I have been seeing a lot of feathers recently. I need them right now :) love and light to you too x

      8. OMG :)
        I started reading it & nearly fell off my chair!
        I had seen white feathers when I was replying today??? I had no idea what that meant til now!
        I also had a white feather on me the other day (my birthday) at the gym & I was laughing because, I had no idea where it came from :) I thought my stuffing was falling out LOL
        Gosh I cannot believe this….I am reading ‘Feathers appear when angels are near’ as if I need a drink after a great thirst! Thankyou :)
        I think it’s also a sign back to you that you need to write more or share more from there?

        Wow,wow,wow :)

      9. Oh My God Positiva, I was drawn to the ‘Grandfathers spiritual Love’ post :)
        I also had a great love with mine & actually had a very spiritual event 5 years after he passed away.
        I think our GRANDFATHERS are here now as I feel a very big sense of love & warmth :)
        I haven’t even read the rest yet as I am floored!!!

      10. I can’t believe it :)
        I am transforming my old mind patterns & letting go of thoughts that I no longer need :)
        I see a butterfly & you & I know this is symbolic :)
        I am sending you a beautiful butterfly xox
        My Grandfather was Scottish & my Great Gran has been coming through so, maybe our Mrs Doubtfire is working her perceptions on us both :)

        Thank you for sharing yet more gifts xxx
        I love the name Maya & I always read Maya Angelou :) love,love love her x

      11. Oh absolutely I love butterflies – they make me think of my daughter. I have lots of them in my home. Right now as it is summer here. I see lots in my garden – they fly around me and I think of my daughter. Butterflies remind me of Maya :)

      12. Then rest assured Butterflies will remind me of her also :)
        Our Maya Butterfly, so beautiful & free & always there :)
        xoxo

      13. Positiva
        I need your advice….a TV crew is coming to see me as i sent them my Sociopath story!
        I never actually thought anyone would be interested but, a journalist called me last night to arrange an interview!
        I don’t want to look like a fool & I’m not after revenge.
        I really was hoping to create an awareness for others as i have learnt so much :)
        I was wondering if I can refer to your site???
        Gosh things are really travelling full speed ahead for me & I’m a little scared :(
        What do you think?
        I don’t want to hurt myself or others just, help raise an awareness :)

      14. Yes of course to refer my site. I wrote to a publisher tonight and asked if they would help me to get my work published into a book. Even I find it difficult to keep track of posts that I need on on here. And I know everyone that has been written there are 100 now. So probably 80.000 words. How do you feel about the tv crew? Go careful. I have been contacted by a lot of news agencies to sell my story – but right now have declined, as my solicitor said – the media can change a story to make it how they want to. Are you strong enough to do this right now? Is right now the right time for you to do this?

      15. I don’t know, I was just trusting my instincts & the female journalist seemed to relate to the Soc story???
        I think I can guide it so, I don’t focus on my actual story ?
        I don’t want a witch hunt nor do I want to look crazy :(
        I am strong & want to create an awareness so, if I go with that thought & not revenge driven etc…I will be okay?
        I think it’s come for a reason so, I will ask for guidance & do a meditation tonight :)
        I really would be happy if one person was saved the torture of a Soc in their life :)

      16. Yes absolutely. I am working on getting my work into a book. I really hope that I can get a publisher, as that would really motivate me. It sounds silly to say that it is just copy and paste – but writing for a blog is very different to formal writing. I have a lot of editing to do. Follow your heart. But – make sure that you are strong enough to do this too. You are still in healing and recovery. My blog is from a lifetime of learning from all different things. I have so much material I just have to get it all into order and into a book – never let fear hold you back, but at the same time listen to your intuition too. If it felt wrong then maybe this is not the right time. The right time will come. Don’t damage yourself :)

      17. I think I am okay & it feels right for some reason :)
        I can’t wait to read your book & I have a feeling it will all flow from you very,very soon :)
        Everything is coming for a reason…..do you have a butterfly tattoo?
        I just had a vision?

      18. I found this & thought it was beautiful & wanted to share it with you all :)

        ‘I want you with all the cracks
        and the stories you’ve collected
        and I want to hear them all
        and kiss you just as I did
        before I heard them
        when you were pure
        in my eyes
        but, what is purity anyways?
        some bullshit concept
        made up to keep the guilt alive
        you are not your past
        you are the woman
        who climbed those walls
        and jumped over them
        to where we met
        we met at the other side’

        Welcome to the other side :)

        Love & Light lives here :)
        PR xoxo

  4. Great post.. These are my life line when I feel unsure of myself. But I have found that because of my past relationship with my sociopath that I believe I’m actually happier then I have ever been.. I’m not sure if its because of what he put me through and I know how bad things can be.. Or if this is the first time I actually know what I don’t want in a relationship. I am not looking for one either. I have found hobbies I love, gardening and canning and whatever else MY heart desires. It is strange for me. I feel content and happy. I’ll admit I wanted to die at first. Thought I couldn’t live without him. So to anyone that is feeling like that, please believe there is a happiness after all this turmoil.

    1. Ditto Indygirl71,

      I agree the release & relief you feel is surreal :)
      After you come to terms with the bizarre reality that you have endured, you go on a journey within & somehow find all your inner strengths & wisdom & peace.
      I guess if we thank this experience for putting us back in touch with who we are & what really makes us happy then that’s a good thing to have come out of all the devastation :)

      We have our truth & authenticity & reinforced belief in ourselves :)

      Be Happy Always :)

      PR xoxo

    2. YES!!! This is so very very true. I believe this to be true. That meeting the pathological liar, and the sociopath and all of their behaviour it does help you, as you realise (once you have started to focus on you) that its ok to be alone and you find your standards – most importantly of all you start to trust yourself!! And this has to be the biggest gift of all!! :)

    3. Thank u Indy. I feel like that sometime. My experience is less than 3 wks old. And I am struggling bad. I emailed my story today. Hopefully I can build a support group here.

      1. Where did you post your story Judah? I am really having problems with notifications… a lot of comments are not showing up and I am missing them. Can you check that it has been authorised if not tell me where the story is and i will find it to authorise it. Welcome to the site!

      2. Judahbug, this site has been a lifeline for me. Whenever you feel like you can’t do this on your own, I hope you realize you are not.. (shoutout to positivagirl for starting this blog (I voted for you by the way!!) we are all getting stronger everyday with each others help.. The key is the no contact. Once I stuck to that and allowed myself to grieve and heal myself without any distraction from him it help. I’ve been where you are now, we all have.. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Take care of yourself, as I’m sure like everyone else here, you haven’t had much time to just take care of YOU with your sociopath.

    4. Great post and comments, I relate to all the comments, like the other poster wrote, reading it all it’s like a balm, and writing and sharing too.

      @Indygirl71

      I also realized that now I know what I don’t want in a relationship. And now I know how it can be deceiving (pretending to be other than what it really is). I remember some time ago, one of my friends told me that I have ‘high’ standards. And I was surprised? Is honesty, truthfulness, faithfulness and love some ‘high’ standards? Well, for me those are BASIC standards, and if those are not fulfilled, well, then nothing. No excuses. Thing with sociopaths is that they brain wash you, so you can’t get out of the fog and they are such good manipulators. During 4 year relationship, I never thought that my ex sociopath is violating any of those ‘basic standards’, I always used to say how every relationship has bumps on the road because people have different personalities, characteristics, but love and communication, devotion to each other, makes us go over the bumps, get wiser, more mature and more close. BUT, that is only in normal healthy relationship, where those basic standards are fulfilled. Isn’t after all 10 basic commandments in bible: don’t lie, steal, look at other woman/man etc… SO many people don’t follow these basic things and they destroy lives of others…
      I am too ‘returning’ to myself….focusing on my well being, starting yoga again, health etc….and activities which I have always been interested in… now I am freed to be myself again (clean from the sociopath pathology) I am also not looking for a new relationship. It’s good to have myself… the alternative- being in an unhealthy relationship, no thanks. As positiva girl wrote somewhere- being in a healthy relationship is a bonus, if you get it, great, if not, not the end of the world.

  5. wow again and again you hit the nail on the head ..its amazing!!!!!!!!!! Its really fantastic..this site has made me heal like nothing else ..sure other things I read …but after I found this site..I went from dumb me to smart me =D I thank you so much!! Its like omg she did put me in so much control and I lost me..I did things like I never did..became jealous insecure..and anxious I had night I slept poorly..for months now I sleep all night!! she was so toxic …is like letting go of sugar..I did and well I never had other addiction never smoked as I said here before never had alcohol..never did anything..I am fit and I take good care of my body yet I took very poor care of my mental health and my feelings..I let myself fall for a monster..for lies.. for emptynes..yes she did bored me ..yes cos they are miserable and misery need company is not that we like that! is that they need somebody nice..and we were it. and we were in a fog! and now the fog is gone..I wont be cure until I dont think of her..i dont think of her as missing her or those kinds of thinking..noooo Im so darn over her like 8 months ago I was I left her in early march ..by may i was so disturbed grossed out..but messed up then I found this site and understood everything that happen to me…the rollo-coaster I was in for a nasty ride..and I never like those rides anyhow heehehe
    is amazing how they manipulate you into thinking you cant go! you feel confused like the folks that are trapped and you could go but you feel so lost and confused. they make you this person so weak..I recall the things she used to say..I wont make a list..but “you will never find somebody better than I..no one will ever loved you as I did…this coin frases..they are so ordinary they are copy cats..they take words from books and google..they are men women of all ages from 20 to 80 from different countrys different languages and yet they do all the same things and we fall like blind bunnies on a trap..is sad really..we all want so much to be loved..and to love …and they only blood suck you leeches!!
    nasty leeches ..they are parasites ..gross and so bored with themselves..they think they are clever..well they can be for a bit ..we can be fooled a few times but not forever..
    I feel free..I feel blessed .I am thankful for this site ..is the balm I was needing..is the chamomile tea..warm milk ..=D
    blessed you all and lets keep getting strong!!!!!!!!!!! they are losers ..empty vessels..leeches..etc

    1. Remember Smart Now that the wisest people on earth have usually endured great battles,
      Ghandi ,Mandela,Delai Lama the list is endless :)

      “Associate yourself with people of good quality, for it is better to be alone than in bad company”.

      You have the power :)
      Be Happy always :)

      PR xoxo

      1. we are here at this point to let all out of us..and get free from this to get clean and to help others see that this is happening more than people think..at this point I feel at times sorry how pathetic she is.. she isolated me from my friends..I got one by one back..they were hurt and I let me self go ..its amazing how that happens.. but I have those I love back with me..real friends never leave..and they just wait for you to wake up and get out of the fog. Its amazing how outsiders looking in see so much ;) listen to what your loved ones have to say!
        I hope all we passed serve to open others eyes..to get out before things get more crazy..No contact is the only way to go!!!! No reaction
        They get ill being ignored ..so by all means ignore them..and never react not contact .
        we are healing my dear..
        =) Honesty and trust are gifts ..self respect and self love is priceless.. =)

  6. Wow! Am I glad I found your site! My husband is a narcissist, and I DON’T plan to leave, but your page with the message to keep your thoughts on yourself, you don’t need to get revenge; Yes! I am going to bookmark this and read it every day!

  7. Wow!!!! Can’t believe that after nearly a year of soul searching how just finding this site has helped me understand and begin to heal. Thank you so much x

    1. @PR

      Thanks for the link, I liked how they stated the victim develops “highly addictive attachment to the person who has hurt you” … that is why we are struggling to ‘get rid’ of our Soc from our system…. I can say that for me, crucial moment was when I discovered all his dirty secrets, lies and what a sick person he is. I went from shock, then I have cut communication, but I went through severe pain, anger (it was even rage) … all those first three phases… then somehow after almost half of the year the anger stopped appearing, more like depression came… I’ve been reading and educating myself, understanding more and more about psychopathy…. I am really out of those three phases I think for good… sometimes I even catch moments of acceptance…. like the other day when I thought how … “the way he was, that is how sociopaths just are…” … so I caught myself few times what I think is acceptance thoughts… but still… I am thinking about him and I still have thoughts how I would like that I just don’t think of him anymore…. but I think that time will come too… I know that it was a big attack on me and that recovery takes time… for example … last 10 days… he appeared in my dreams two times… it was kind of the same dream… like we met and hugged… the hug felt so warm, tight, so real….. Now when I wake up from such a dream I think how that dream is a left over of betrayal bond, that “highly addictive attachment to the person who has hurt you” that is written about in that article, the detoxification, the poison appearing, coming out… and I don’t give any other meaning to it, like maybe before I used to (bargaining phase). It will pass… I read somewhere, there was some blog of some person who was recovering from sociopath discard (I can’t remember which site it was) … but I remember she wrote that it has been two years since the ‘no going back’ moment and heading on forward path… and that only now, after two years, she can finally find herself feeling joy, free to feel joy… so looking back, I see I went though a lot during this year – all three phases and glimpses of a final one :) It gives me strength and motivation to keep myself on this road of recovery…

  8. I have just pieced together the fact that I am/was with a sociopath. I’ve tried to go so many times and just when I start feeling like I’m getting there I get dragged back in. Or I just willingly step in. I’m feeling so stupid! He’s taken everything from me physically, emotionally, financially … Sigh. But I now have a glimmer of hope since reading .. I didn’t have that before. I just want this gone. Thanks so much.

    1. Welcome to the site Camille. Take one day at a time. Remember that confusion doesn’t last forever. The more that you learn the quicker you are set free – as you realise that the crazy one isn’t you. Yes you might have gone back a few times – but I bet that each time that you did – you learned something….. the trick is to bring back focus on you….

  9. I also have gone back, numerous times,wishing that he has changed and gone back to the person I thought he was but every time he never fails to surprise me with how low he will stoop!! At the moment I have started the nc which I am finding so difficult and am just taking it day by day, only three weeks ago he was wanting to try again and had us looking at properties to move into but now he has gone back to his other victim and is going on holiday and making plans for the future with her!!! The only reason I know this is he’s telling our son everything about his plans. When on earth is the hurt going to go and the anger kick in??? I think I’m going crazy…

    1. Hi See :)

      Read Torture By Triangulation on the My Story section here, it may help you understand?

      Welcome to the journey back from Soc Hell, you are not alone & we are here for you :)

      Love & Light :)

      PR xoxox

      1. Thanks pr, it’s so good to know that there are people who understand as all my family and friends are brilliant but cannot understand why I’m not making any progress and to be honest are getting sick of me now as they don’t think I’m helping myself and not helping my son who is only 11 and having to deal with this monster on his own twice a week.and listen to all his bullshit about his future plans that not surprisingly change every week, the poor child was told on his last visit that he wants a divorce within the next four weeks!! Even though he sat with him a month ago apologising for his behaviour and that he has made a massive mistake and will never go back to the other woman because he loves his mum very much!!! Why do that to your own son??

  10. And when you finally get out of the narcissist/psychopaths control…. and want to talk about it… to get your life back…..you find out that people condemn you for talking negative about the psychopath/narcissist!
    THEY are the victims, you must surely understand…..
    Thats when you understand that most people don’t have a clue of what these emotional predators are all about!

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