Recovery and healing!

A guide for healing and recovery

When the truth comes to light of the crazy life that you have been living with a sociopath, when the lying, cheating, betrayal, deception comes out, you are left feeling massively confused and so very hurt, it is the ultimate betrayal.

The person that you loved, that you shared everything with has used you, for what they could get. No doubt at the end, there will be endless:

  • Strives for contact – abusive emails and abusive texts
  • Attempts at personal contact
  • Lies told about you and smear campaigns against you
  • Hacks into your privacy like emails and social networking sites

Your head is already reeling from everything that you have been through. And now there is intense ‘punishment‘ for establishing no contact. For ignoring them, and trying to get on with your life.

This isn’t easy. This is no normal break up. This time you are breaking up with someone who has lied to you, betrayed you and used you. You may be in debt, you might have lost your job, or even lost your home. You have probably isolated yourself from people who were close to you, or maybe they gave up and walked away.

Picking up the pieces of your life when this has happened, can be so difficult. You would think, by the behaviour of the sociopath, that they would be glad to get rid of you? After all, they have treated you so badly. The point is, that they treat you this way because they can. Because they experience ‘dupers delight’ from conning you. So why will they now not go away?

When you have been controlled, manipulated, and abused in this way for a considerable time, when what you thought was real, actually isn’t real. Nothing you thought was true, actually was. When you were used as supply simply for someone else’s entertainment.You can be left coming out of the fog and feeling massively confused.

Because of this, you need a plan to recover. You would have been so used to being controlled, that spending time on you, and your recovery, is the best investment that you can do right now.

recovery2

  • Establish No Contact and stick to it
  • Focus on you
  • Try to catch up with old friends that you were isolated from
  • Remove everything related to your ex, put them in a box, and put them away, photos, keepsakes, letters, cards. Anything at all. Put it away out of sight.
  • Stay away from things that remind you of your ex, do not sit moping, listening to music that reminds you of him, or anything else, sat in memory of him. Get up, get out, and do something.
  • Take one day at a  time
  • Read as much as you can, and reach out to others who have been/are going through same thing
  • Try to do one thing every day that will make you smile. Put a post it note up to remind you
  • Stick with the present, today, don’t let your mind wander back to what has happened, focus on right now, it is all that you have control over
  • Do NOT contact your ex, or respond to empty promises from him – block him
  • Write a list of EVERYTHING you have in your life that you are grateful for
  • Write a list of all the reasons that you are better off without him
  • Write a list of what you want to attract into your life – focus (it could be anything)
  • Keep a diary so that you can track your recovery. Writing is therapeutic 
  • Make sure that you eat properly, and get enough sleep
  • Treat yourself, and love yourself, like you would a best friend who is low, down and needs support
  • Try not to focus on the past. Stay with the present. Do not focus on being a victim. Focus on being a survivor, and how you can use this experience to  your benefit. Look FORWARDS not BACKWARDS
  • Do NOT be afraid of being alone, learn to value your own company, for now. Focus on healing and loving yourself. 

Take it one day at a time, and try not to panic (if you have lost your job, your home, friends, your finances, or all of this) DONT panic!

Find someone you can trust. If you cannot trust anyone because of what has happened. Then go easy on yourself and treat yourself like your own best friend!!! – even this is therapeutic

You WILL recover from this. It is important not to throw yourself into another relationship before you are healed, as you risk meeting another one. Focus on you. And most importantly, learn to love you. Focus all of your love on you, because you are special. You are worth it, and YOU deserve YOUR time!!

If you are reading this, and you have recovered, is there anything else that you can think of which is good for recovery? Please add your comments, anon comments are welcome!! :)

Words © datingasociopath.com

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34 thoughts on “Recovery and healing!”

  1. I do not know where to even begin with my story as it is so long and so many details up till now.I read “Dating a Sociopath”. and there are a few things I feel does not pertain to him……but……for the most part most of the article does seem to fit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There is SOOOOOOOOOOOOO much to my story…..the one thing I need now is not to talk to this man…..I need the strength to resist any contact he may try to do as he is in Egypt and is on “Skype”. and Facebook. I feel like a “Death: has happened to me after reading your article. Most of my friends (when I had them) did not like this man but I must say that he did not talk bad to my friends about me. He is a professional dancer and musician like myself……so…..the twin aspect surely I can relate to. My story is VERY LONG and VERY PAINFUL and there were too many SAD times more than HAPPY times for me. I was with him for 7 years and more here in the US although I was CRAZY enough to go to Cairo to live with him when he got deported. The deportation story is also a LONG one (there was not any crime committed because of the deportation either) as I was also going thru a divorce when I was contacted by him over the phone in my dance studio where I was living out of at the time and then we finally did meet each other in person……from there that is when this “NIGHTMARE” started!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have been such a STUPID AND DUMB WOMAN for doing SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH for this man the whole time I was with him and even up until now helping him out……OMG…..OMG…..OMG!!!!!!! I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO VERY TIRED emotionally, phyisically…..very drained and “USED UP” beyond anyones imagination!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank You so much for the articles and everyones comments…..I need a LONG HEALING time NOW……even contiplated suicide!!!!!!!!!!

    1. Not everyone’s story is the same but if you can recall you will relate to alot of the woman and see yourself there. I did try suicide and believe me it was not pretty he just used that to hook me even more.Read all you can and keep an open mind in doing so, and things will come to you. Denial sets in and you will question yourself because it is alot to swallow. To think how much you loved this man and that you were just a someone he could use is real hard to grip but in time everything will make sense. READ all you can and then reach out to your true friends and this site it has helped me alot. Everyday I read something I can identify to,. Til then please know you are not alone and remember you are not STUPID they are monsters and know how to perfect manipulation where know one can see it coming. Pray

  2. I’m still married to a sociopath . I’m from india. Society here expects me to bear all de abusing n still continue to live with him. I cant stand him anymore. I hav 2 kids of whom he has never bothered. They r also detached with him. As of now I sleep with my kids n keep contact with him very minimal. But dat short period is enough for him to emotionally drain me.wat can I do?

    1. Hi Lakshmi, I am unsure what support systems are available to women in India, or what the cultural expectations are for women in marriage? Do you have support from friends/family? Somebody that you can talk to? I am in the UK, here we have special places that women can escape to with their children, but I am unsure if that is available in India. I am wary about giving you advice, if there are not the support services available in your area to support you. I wouldn’t like to place you at risk.

      Please write here whenever you like – there are warm friendly people here. I am in the UK and this is a good page that gives advice on what to do when you are about to leave (sociopaths can turn very nasty when you go to leave them) – so be warned it is the most dangerous time. It is best to try to get away in a safe way. I hope that this can offer some useful advice for you? http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=000100010008000100310005

    2. @Lakshmi,
      Do you have a close, trusted family member with whom you have shared this? I know Indian families often live with extended relatives so it can be precarious to bring up such a sensitive topic among anyone you couldn’t fully rely on for support. Cultural norms in India are shifting though and it is possible you could gain support if you could educate your closest of family. But, if you don’t feel safe in that notion, perhaps you can find at least one close to you that you can share with. If that is out of the question, we are here as a group to at least hear you and you may or may not be able to find resources somewhere in your community, as positivagirl mentions.

      1. @jusagurl
        Thanks for your support.my parents n close friends know.more dan culture people dont hav knowledge about sociopath n wat dey can do to u.u r right in saying I hav to educate dem first..I consider myself well read but I couldn’t identity him myself n jus stumbled on dat in net..feeling stupid….

  3. Its therapatic sharing with someone who had gone through the same as me .firstly ur blog is wonderful in explaining things dat I had faced but never understood fully.thank u for dat
    .I also dont know about women welfare here . should research it…my parents and my close friends know about my situation.im planning to leave soon. I think others don’t understand well.ur blog will come handy explaining things to dem.let u know.thanks for ur support. ..

    1. Thank you Lakshmi!! :) Try to make plans when you plan to leave. As sociopaths can suddenly change into the nice charming person just as you are about to leave (or if they are violent the risk to you is increased) – sociopaths hate losing control so when you go to leave – the bad behaviour escalates. Stay in contact with us.

  4. @Lakshmi,
    I did the same in stumbling across the information on the internet. I think those who are meant to know are made aware. Otherwise, it seems to be an undetected illness that is more prevalent than anyone without knowledge would suspect. It has opened my eyes to a whole other world I didn’t know existed.

  5. Like Judith my lovely sociopath didn’t say bad things about me to my friends and family, he would say outrageous or offensive comments to them or be massively unsociable, like sitting in another room at a party.i felt embarrassed and so stopped seeing people to stop him doing it.
    I am lucky my important friends have stuck around, I think they are finding it hard to understand why I feel so sad though, he has been caught red handed seeing me and someone else and some of his dreadful lies have been exposed, for a long time I suspected lies but he always made me doubt myself, I felt like a crazy, mad woman. Now it’s all out though my friends are saying “forget him, move on, he’s not worth it” and I am trying but I miss him, well the illusion!! And am finding that very hard.
    This website is a fantastic help but I wish it was as easy as sever all ties and heal yourself, our lives are entwined, I am unpicking it as fast as I can and he is now busy grooming his next victim (who I SO want to tell!! But won’t , I’ve read that bit lol!!)
    I guess it will take time but I feel like he has stolen my spirit. I feel like a weak, pathetic person who isn’t strong enough to firstly, have stopped him and secondly just think sod (insert much stronger word) him and forget the lying, weasely little douche.
    He owes me quite allot of money (surprise) and put a fraction of that into my account yesterday and says he’ll paymore next month leaving me thinking (again) maybe I’m wrong, maybe he does care etc etc. actually I think it’s a further game, he can in his world say “welI was decent, I paid her back” and then feel ok about himself.
    I want to have my brain cleaned!!!!

    1. My ex has some sociopath traits but not all either, he covered his tracks well but i had bad gut feeling about him & he did drain my energy, emotionally & was very jealous, dont worry we will emerge from this stronger but i know what u mean, we feel drawn to them, even like they hypnotized us, he had intense eye contact, lovers gaze, had charima, exciting at first, but then was preaching at me his christianity but he was judgmetal, negative & twisted scripture to suit his ideals, beliefs, was dogmatic. He said funny things to my family & preached to them about World govt, Globalisation, got very negative & angry as he preached, i said i cant take it anymore. I felt very uneasy the last few wks of rship & he was going off intimacy & i suspect seeing another woman & he got very angry when i mentioned a womans name that was a friend of his but he said she was married, reconciled to husband, but he got into a rage about it a few days earlier & he wouldnt answer 2 phone calls in front of me, in the same wk or two, so warning signs to me, plus my persistant bad feeling. As hes anti smart meter activist, one of my friends cannot contact him about that, he seems to have gone off the face of the earth,maybe moved to be with the other woman, anyway I letting him go, his loss not mine, even though this is hard. So i empathise with you all, its hard what we going thru at least we all still here. He never stole money off me, he was brought up by good christians, but said he was controlled up to the eyeballs by his dad, he had a lot of anger, resentment on the surface, was getting sarcastic, more angry at me towards the end. Hypnotherapy may help? i am trying it tonight

      1. I know what you mean everything with me happen so fast too. I’m going to divorce court this Wednesday and I am very nervous. Because he has a criminal charge ( assault of a family member) I can get my divorce Wednesday I don’t have to wait for the 60 days! But, I think he will have some tricks up his sleeve. I have to be honest with you, he has taken up with his ex girlfriend and if it wasn’t for her he would have made my life more miserable. I remember I tried to break up with him one time before, there were several times and each time I went back, I felt like I was in a Lifetime movie. He drove up on the side of me angry and mad making it like he was doing me a favor. I am so glad to be rid of him and I can’t wait until Wednesday so I can really move on with my life without him. Those who are still with there Sociopath I will pray for you! That is a hard way to live your life!!!!! You have to get out, however the opportunity come! Because as the relationship goes on they do get angry and when you think things can’t get worse it do!!!!!! I can’t put anything past him!!!! Don’t trust them!!!!!

    1. Interesting Judah. I am not a huge fan of religion, but when I was researching trying to find explainations and answers last year, I did come across this quote which is from the bible. Interesting?

      The words of a talebearer are like tasty trifles that go deep into the body; they go deep into the subconscious mind. Fervent lips with a wicked heart are like clay pots covered with a cheap silver coating, he deceives himself by disguising with his lips who he hates. When he says kind things, do not believe him, because there are seven abominations in his heart; Though his hatred is concealed by deceit, his wickedness will be revealed before the assembly. Whoever digs a pit will fall into it, and he who rolls a stone will have it roll back on him. A lying tongue hates those who are crushed by it, and a flattering mouth works ruin.

      Proverbs 26

      1. Wow, this hits home with my experience this week. My approach to dealing with the soc has been a little different. I don’t talk about it here because, I’m sure it’s not for everybody. But I know who I am and have felt convicted as far as what I believed I should do with respect to him.

        What I have learned mostly lately is his hidden contempt for me. It has come out three times recently, unexpectedly, in his behaviors. Before, I only noticed brief (I mean, just a couple seconds) actions. Like he would put his thumb to my eye as though he would press it out. (I know, bizarre, right?) Or, he would pinch me. What made this odd was it was totally out of context and not in the midst of any relevant conversation. It was like a light switch flipped—just for a minute.

        I’ve also just really confirmed recently that he lies even to himself. This probably shouldn’t really have been a surprise to me since he has seemed pathological with it to everyone else, but for whatever reason, I had just assumed that, to himself, he would be genuine. This discovery enlightened me.

        I have been distancing, not consciously, but my person is learning what to reject and to cling to higher values. Throughout this process, I’ve felt healing of my internal self. I’ve learned I’ve really been blaming me for a lot undeservedly and trying to run from things that have to be confronted. Merging new me with old me is still a little up and down, but I’m mostly happy. What a crazy journey…and I know you know what I mean.

      2. Hello everyone, Yes i see that too  in my ex’s behaviour towards me. He would pretend someone was waving to him, as a joke, a private joke between us. If i looked to see who he was waving to, he would brush the back of my head, i think he thought i was a bit slow, he knew i have aspergers. He did a lot of jokes like that, at time i thought it was funny, kind of cute, but now being apart, well we see things differently once we’re distanced from, ended relationship.

        Love & light & peace, hope, joy to us all, we are strong for having broken away from our ex spaths.

  6. Me too. I being strong, no contact from me or my ex, for 6 weeks now! I do feel tempted sometimes to tho & feel tempted to contact write to his parents or send tho, to send them photos, but i have not. Thanks to everyone, for inspiring me. Love & light to all, keep our faith & stay strong, its not easy but it does get easier over time. Hypnotherapy is very healing, I highly recommend that. :) xx

    1. As of the latest, I finished the divorce papers and he is getting served today. I am still struggling and haven’t done so well with No contact. I have texted over the past week, he responded a couple times still expressing “if I only knew how much he really loved me, etc.” However, I know the reality of what has happened and that when people honestly love you, they don’t do the things he did…I still have a hard time, missing him, missing the way it was, and I even stupidly sometimes wonder if we will ever be back together again…this is when I stop listening to my gut and I need to remember that! Is it normal to have all these range of emotions? From day to day, I go through sadness, missing him, hating him, knowing the truth, and then back to questioning myself. I can tell he is definitely trying to cut the contact, he either doesn’t reply or is very cold and short. I REALLY need to stick to the NO CONTACT! I don’t understand why I am putting myself through this hell! It only hurts me! Thanks to all for your support! Ready to have him and us erased from my mind!

      1. “Normal” is a subjective term in relation to this subject! Ha ha ha But, that said, “normal” or not, I go through the same thing. I think it is normal to question ourselves because, due to the lies, we have unresolved questions about what is the real truth. Unfortunately, we’ve learned early on that the one person who could fill in those answers for us won’t do so because it would incriminate them. So, with this abuser, that we have learned is a liar—whether we have the real, full truth or not—we feel interchangeably warm and cold towards, because we don’t know which times we are wrong or right about them. It is the very definition and consequence of emotional and mental abuse in action. And, when you think of it in those terms, while it should be easy to “put down the addiction”, it isn’t because of some of the reasons I just illustrated.

        If you have a heart for light and truth, you want to reconcile ambiguities. The soc is the last personality type on earth who will help you with this. I’ve thought about this a lot. I believe it is us trying to be true to our own natures. That’s what makes it a very vicious abusive cycle. Many come on here saying they were the type to be critical of someone who “fell” for these type people. They viewed themselves as skeptics and therefore safe. Until you’ve seen something this crazy, you have no idea what someone else is capable of doing to you through mind manipulations. Over half my life is over and I had never seen this before. And the element of surprise is just one advantage they have.

      2. I’m hoping those ranges of emotions are normal, I too experience them. It has been a full year since I had any contact with my ex, and trust me it was very hard initially, but recently this week I testified in court against him (dating violence-which ultimately resulted in a year of jail time for him)… Throughout this past year I was happy and moving on. I no longer thought about him or our past, though seeing him in court made me feel sorry for him and even missed what we use to have. I also found myself wondering if I had done something different or tried harder during our relationship would we be together and happy.? (The first year of our relationship he made me feel special and loved- He made me feel like I was his everything). I’m a relatively educated person, a BA in Biology and starting Medical School next year, I’d like to consider myself reasonable and rationale. Though, for some reason I am having some ridiculous thoughts… I want to believe so badly that he loved me, and that he really didn’t mean to hurt me, that he was acting the only way he knew how (he grew up in a bad family environment) and didn’t want to lose me or us. I know that’s not the truth now, but then why am I so conflicted with these contradicting thoughts and emotions? Because of this week, and seeing him, I am back to being an emotional wreck. It is without a doubt very comforting, though each of our situations are different to some extent, to know that I am not the only one who has these feelings and/or thoughts. I’m laying in bed right now, at 4:30 AM unable to sleep because of this. A total of 3 yrs post meeting him and I am back to being miserable and questioning so much. I’m currently thinking about looking into a psychiatrist, I want this behind me, I need to rid myself of the idea that I may and/or still love him. I still have fears that affect my future because of the damage that he has caused. These posts have definitely made me feel better, and even getting to share my story without judgement has helped too. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated!

      3. Hi Sara, you could drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what he feels. How he felt about you and if this was real……

        Take yourself out of this thinking. You see it does not matter how he felt. What is important is how he made YOU FEEL!!!. If your mind wanders back to this please take down on a piece of paper a list

        How he made YOU feel.
        Bad things he did to you.
        Long and short term effects on your life.

        This should help you. It will take away (in your mind) the power ands control of him over you. It should help you to get your own power for you.

        You are what you think. If you are struggling use lists to remind you. Change your thinking change your world.

  7. Hi, Sara I truly can feel all that you are going thru because I myself am dealing with the same emotions. My spath left me almost 10 months ago for another woman and in the time frame he ust to text and came to San Jose 2 times and both times wanted to see me. Now during our relationship he had many affairs and lied about them. Even when he came down he lied and said he was living with a bunch of guys.Now, why in the hell would I believe him that he was telling the truth and why would I believe that he had changed and doing good with this other woman when he was just doing to her what he did to me. I also, said many times maybe if I had done things different he would still be here but NO he is what he is a Spath and there is nothing that can change him and nothing I did would ever please him because these kind of people don’t look for meaningful relationships it’s about what they can get and they could care less of what you need or want and they will fake their whole existence to win. I know what works for me when I start to go down that road of thinking what or why it didn’t work and then I remember all the beatings, cheating, lieing and cold hear ted person he is and that takes me back to sanity.I too wanted to believe he loved me but he would have replaced me sooner or later. It’s not that he stayed to make things work its because he couldn’t find a new victim that had the source of supply that I did but once he found her he was gone.Like postivagirl says this new one will be in my shoes one day and I do feel sorry for her.So, just try and remember what he is and how things really were and those feelings will probably make you angry. inward hurt but it will get better. God Bless you and pray

  8. The sociopath I was dating has blocked me totally out of his life, partly, I suspect, to reassure the woman he is with (he was with both both of us, she found out, he left me, she took him back.) Does this seem sociopathic behaviour? Everything else he did and was is exactly as you describe in this site though.

    I reacted to his lies (when I realised they were lies) very strongly
    Telling everyone what he was like. Hopefully that means he will never contact me again.

    Thanks for this site. It’s a nice life-saver.

    1. Hi oneredflower, welcome to the site. Yes this is typical sociopathic behaviour. He wouldn’t want you saying anything about him. If it seems cold, it really is. He was hoping that you would react strongly to his lies…. as then he could say you were crazy. I am sorry that you have been through this. It is not very nice to go through, but if he is a sociopath…. he will do the same to her. Am sure that right now he has his new mask on.

  9. The irony is I helped him with his new mask, having given him encouragement to become a writer. He and that woman are now writing columns on an online paper. This really annoys me but I’m trying to be thankful that he’s no longer stinking up my life. I don’t care if he says I’m crazy – those who believe him mean nothing to me, and are really beneath my notice. However, I’m rather looking forward to his current relationship breaking down … probably not too charitable of me but I don’t care. If they can gloat and act superior towards me, they deserve every evil in this world.

  10. Hi everyone, I’m so confused to say the least. I had been with this man for 7 years until July of this year. I don’t even know where to begin. From the moment I met him I was literally blown away, he said everything I wanted to hear and then some. I was married at the time with 3 children. I needed up leaving my marriage. pretty much from the get go he was everything I thought I ever wanted, he knew just what to say, what to do to make me feel special. I was literally mesmerized, it was like I was in a trance. Then all of a sudden bamm!!! He started cheating, lying, and abusing me mentally and physically. but no matter how much I knew, even if I pretty much caught him red handed, it was simply not true, according to him or my fault. He was so good at manulipating I was just baffled and so stupid, I forgave every time. he lied so much about everything it just came so natural to him, it was mind blowing. He never isolated me from friends or family, so I can’t relate to that part of it. He was very private with his life, secret social sites, hidden cell phones, you name it he had it.but all the while telling me he loved me and couldn’t live without me. the whole relationship I justified everything by saying he’s young and just confused. He had a horrific childhood and I just figured he was also dealing with that. Pretty much everyone we came across could see that he was so fake as far as his words. He tried to tell everyone he came across how perfect his life was, lying right through his teeth like it was nothing. I know I’m rambling and I’m so sorry, there’s just so much more to the story I could talk for days. anyway he broke my nose and beat the shit out of me so bad in July I packed what I could and left. within 2 weeks he had someone else living with him and pregnant, didn’t hear from him in 3 months then all of a sudden he called and now loves me more than anything in the world and wants me back in his life, while still with her. I don’t understand any of this and so thankful to god that I came across this website, it explains so much. even though I still doubt myself thinking its all my fault, could he really be a sociopath or am I just looking for excuses as to why I wasn’t good enough to be treated normally. Please help, hurt confused and simply broken:(

  11. Hi, this is just a short reply, maybe another time I will write more.
    I just wanted to sat that I was with my ex for 3 years, and I finally got him to leave dec 2012, but it took until july 2013 for him to give me anyspace…….he still managed to use me for what he needed, and to mess with my head, my emotions and my mental state……..by this time I had understood that he did have BPD, but he had refused to continue with the Psychiatric and GP input last year. Then as he continued a little more up till this new year 2014, and I realised that he is actually a sociopath…….I had always thought he wasn’t because I believed he had a conscience and felt guilt and remorse for a lot of what has happened over the last 18 months….which hasn’t just affected me, but others, including a women who he got pregnant while he was with me………..long story. Short version, he was using her for sex and as a way of making himself feel good…..and a baby followed, which was quite ironic as we had had a few miscarriages while we were together. I finally understand that the conscience, remorse and guilt and the tears I’ve seen him shed…..have all been for himself and for the situation he feels he is in, and because nothing ever seems to go right for him……which is usually anyone elses fault but his own. It’s a terrible feeling realising that the 3 years I was with him, and everything else that has followed over the last twelve months has all been a lie, a means to an ends….I know you get over heart break…been there done that before, and that it takes time………but this is one that I’m struggling with. I have times where I feel fine, and then it hits like a wave and I’m engulfed in what feels like a little child lost in the fog……..I’m even questioning if I may be a sociopath, or if I have some mental health issue to be feeling the way I am….does that make sense?, I only wish that I am wrong and he isn’t a sociopath, and then at least it wasn’t all lies, deciet, control and manipulation and it did count, I did count,lol, it has been 2 weeks now, and I told him to not contact me again, and I did call him a thoughtless, selfish arrogant tw*t, which he responded with he didn’t need me to make him feel any worse than he does. He’s talked to me about all different things, and he is doing all the things he did to me to another person now…..and I know he has smeared me to her and anyone who will listern so I’m not able to say anything. She knows a lot of what he has done, so she has gone into it with her eyes open to a certain extent…..she left her 10 year old daughter up here with her estranged husband to move away to be with him down south where he wanted to be…….so again he is affecting other peoples lifes…….I hope that maybe he has learned a lesson or two and can change and start to treat people how they should be treated……….but I know if he is the true sociopath that he appears to be he wont change and will continue to leave destruction wherever he has been, x

    1. Hi Michelle, Welcome to the site. I think it is normal, for the experience to leave you questioning whether you are a sociopath. I think that this happens, because to cope, you either allow the hurt and pain to destroy you, or you have to fight back, or become cold and indifferent to not allow this to affect you. Also, they WILL turn it around on you, and accuse YOU of being a psycho… This is a common sociopathic behaviour. And it can lead you to believe that this is true.

      He won’t learn any lessons though. Sociopaths don’t learn lessons. Instead they repeat patterns of behaviour over and over….. go easy on yourself, and remember that when any relationship ends, there is a grieving process to go through. At first is the fog of confusion, just stunned, amazement and confusion…. how this could happen. I hope that you receive good support on this site. Welcome :)

      1. Hi, thankyou for your reply…….as much as I would never wish any of how this feels on anyone else…not even my ex…….it helps to know that other people have and are going through this experience, and that I’m not alone, and that I’m not going crazy, waiting for the self doubt and confusion in emotions to calm down a bit…..one of the things I keep thinking is how can anyone do this knowingly to another person. It’s been a bad 18 months, on top of the ex, we found out our senior at work was/is also a sociopath, who has duped and conned and stolen from us her work collegues and me her closest friend aswelll as family and work itself……..she manged to con so many people, so I’m not in that one alone…….it’s hard to believe that there are so many sociopaths out there amongst us…..and until it gets to the end of what they are up to, or until they mess up enough to make it apparent to others we don’t appear to be aware of the fact that these people are not who we believe them to be and that the person we knew never really existed……….it’s an awful reality that not everyone has inner morals that would prevent them from being so callous, manipulative and deceitful, without giving a second thought to what they are doing and the affect it will have on other people………I’m trying not to let it change who I am, because I am normally a strong caring thoughtful loyal person who trys to treat others how I would want to be treated…..and that’s not me being niaeve…….there are decent people and I am one of them……….hoping I can learn to trust people again, I have learned a lot and I am reflecting loads and learning more about myself aswell as others and the type of person I do and don’t want to be…..so if nothing else it is helping me evlove, hopefully to be a better person, x

  12. I.too, am half way through my life and never ever encountered a SP. This was all new to me. It is walking into a brick wall as the sp would wind me up and I would continuously walk into the wall and then turn around and he would wind me up ….I would walk into a wall. That is the way I describe it. Many of you have spent many years with the SP. I have not. I spent 5 months. It has left me dazed and confused. I have written here before. SP had just gotten out of jail. Yes, I know. How did I get mixed up in that? I do not know or understand how many of you stayed in the relationship as long as you did. The hurt that is projected onto you is unbelievable to me. I could not have done it. I would have commited suicide. This is all so confusing to me. I try not to think about it…..but it is the only thing I think about. During this time I made notes on what he said to me. I do not know why I did that. As the relationship (if that is what you want to call it) I continuously wrote the horrible things he said to me down. After he left I spent a lot of time reading that list over and over. Even though he said those things to me……I could not feel anything but love for him. How did he woo me into something like this? I am still trying to figure that out. Even though he moved in with someone within two weeks….they had a relationship for many years. I think it was maybe off and on. Some folks on here tell me I am the OW . I don’t know if I am….was or whatever. There is something about their relationship I do not get. I wont ever get but I do remember him saying she could take care of him. I did not understand it a first and I am still not understanding how she could stay. In my eyes I see a big lasso and she pulled him in. It seems to me she has some power over him….kinda like I was feeling. I try not to think about but I must admit I do. Everything that is said here on these pages of post are all true. I never experienced this kind of relationship so it has been hard to cut ties. He last words he texted me was he was now in a relationship but he thought about me and he cared about me……blah blah blah. They had already moved in together by this time. With their relationship she checked his phone he said so for me not to text him….he would text me. I love you. Now I know he was setting me up not to text him because his was now with her now. Hell, I don’t know. I know one thing…I write. I love to write. During these past months….I have not written because all of this sh$t was evolving all around me and I could not even write I was so desparate I could do something I enjoy because I spent every minute trying to figure this stuff out. I can’t. I guess he and the other person will live happily ever after since she can keep some type of tight reins on him. I have a lot of questions…I cant figure their relationship out . In put would be great. I do want to say I did delete the stuff he said to me because I found myself reading it over and over and over. I made myself delete it. It was just like cutting myself every time I would read it. I am NC for two months. I could go on and on but will stop now. Thank you for reading and I hopeful for some feedback. I thought he would see me as kind and caring. In my mind I could fix him….H ll, I cant even fix myself.

  13. I do career coaching and am working on certification as a life coach. I came across this article that I felt was good advice for healing from the sociopathic experience as well. It’s about sealing your mind leaks, but really it’s about energy leaks. And, as we all know, sociopaths are maybe the best energy drain for stopping us from reaching our goals and potential. Sometimes, it’s good sense to protect formative thoughts from everyone, unless you can count on support: http://www.nightingale.com/newsletters/matt-furey-achieving-goals-by-sealing-your-mind-leaks/?promo=inla608#continue

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