A guide for healing and recovery

When the truth comes to light of the crazy life that you have been living with a sociopath, when the lying, cheating, betrayal, deception comes out, you are left feeling massively confused and so very hurt, it is the ultimate betrayal.

The person that you loved, that you shared everything with has used you, for what they could get. No doubt at the end, there will be endless:

  • Strives for contact – abusive emails and abusive texts
  • Attempts at personal contact
  • Lies told about you and smear campaigns against you
  • Hacks into your privacy like emails and social networking sites

Your head is already reeling from everything that you have been through. And now there is intense ‘punishment‘ for establishing no contact. For ignoring them, and trying to get on with your life.

This isn’t easy. This is no normal break up. This time you are breaking up with someone who has lied to you, betrayed you and used you. You may be in debt, you might have lost your job, or even lost your home. You have probably isolated yourself from people who were close to you, or maybe they gave up and walked away.

Picking up the pieces of your life when this has happened, can be so difficult. You would think, by the behaviour of the sociopath, that they would be glad to get rid of you? After all, they have treated you so badly. The point is, that they treat you this way because they can. Because they experience ‘dupers delight’ from conning you. So why will they now not go away?

When you have been controlled, manipulated, and abused in this way for a considerable time, when what you thought was real, actually isn’t real. Nothing you thought was true, actually was. When you were used as supply simply for someone else’s entertainment.You can be left coming out of the fog and feeling massively confused.

Because of this, you need a plan to recover. You would have been so used to being controlled, that spending time on you, and your recovery, is the best investment that you can do right now.


  • Establish No Contact and stick to it
  • Focus on you
  • Try to catch up with old friends that you were isolated from
  • Remove everything related to your ex, put them in a box, and put them away, photos, keepsakes, letters, cards. Anything at all. Put it away out of sight.
  • Stay away from things that remind you of your ex, do not sit moping, listening to music that reminds you of him, or anything else, sat in memory of him. Get up, get out, and do something.
  • Take one day at a  time
  • Read as much as you can, and reach out to others who have been/are going through same thing
  • Try to do one thing every day that will make you smile. Put a post it note up to remind you
  • Stick with the present, today, don’t let your mind wander back to what has happened, focus on right now, it is all that you have control over
  • Do NOT contact your ex, or respond to empty promises from him – block him
  • Write a list of EVERYTHING you have in your life that you are grateful for
  • Write a list of all the reasons that you are better off without him
  • Write a list of what you want to attract into your life – focus (it could be anything)
  • Keep a diary so that you can track your recovery. Writing is therapeutic 
  • Make sure that you eat properly, and get enough sleep
  • Treat yourself, and love yourself, like you would a best friend who is low, down and needs support
  • Try not to focus on the past. Stay with the present. Do not focus on being a victim. Focus on being a survivor, and how you can use this experience to  your benefit. Look FORWARDS not BACKWARDS
  • Do NOT be afraid of being alone, learn to value your own company, for now. Focus on healing and loving yourself. 

Take it one day at a time, and try not to panic (if you have lost your job, your home, friends, your finances, or all of this) DONT panic!

Find someone you can trust. If you cannot trust anyone because of what has happened. Then go easy on yourself and treat yourself like your own best friend!!! – even this is therapeutic

You WILL recover from this. It is important not to throw yourself into another relationship before you are healed, as you risk meeting another one. Focus on you. And most importantly, learn to love you. Focus all of your love on you, because you are special. You are worth it, and YOU deserve YOUR time!!

If you are reading this, and you have recovered, is there anything else that you can think of which is good for recovery? Please add your comments, anon comments are welcome!! :)

Words © datingasociopath.com

47 responses »

  1. I do not know where to even begin with my story as it is so long and so many details up till now.I read “Dating a Sociopath”. and there are a few things I feel does not pertain to him……but……for the most part most of the article does seem to fit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There is SOOOOOOOOOOOOO much to my story…..the one thing I need now is not to talk to this man…..I need the strength to resist any contact he may try to do as he is in Egypt and is on “Skype”. and Facebook. I feel like a “Death: has happened to me after reading your article. Most of my friends (when I had them) did not like this man but I must say that he did not talk bad to my friends about me. He is a professional dancer and musician like myself……so…..the twin aspect surely I can relate to. My story is VERY LONG and VERY PAINFUL and there were too many SAD times more than HAPPY times for me. I was with him for 7 years and more here in the US although I was CRAZY enough to go to Cairo to live with him when he got deported. The deportation story is also a LONG one (there was not any crime committed because of the deportation either) as I was also going thru a divorce when I was contacted by him over the phone in my dance studio where I was living out of at the time and then we finally did meet each other in person……from there that is when this “NIGHTMARE” started!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have been such a STUPID AND DUMB WOMAN for doing SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH for this man the whole time I was with him and even up until now helping him out……OMG…..OMG…..OMG!!!!!!! I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO VERY TIRED emotionally, phyisically…..very drained and “USED UP” beyond anyones imagination!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank You so much for the articles and everyones comments…..I need a LONG HEALING time NOW……even contiplated suicide!!!!!!!!!!

    • marion larrick says:

      Not everyone’s story is the same but if you can recall you will relate to alot of the woman and see yourself there. I did try suicide and believe me it was not pretty he just used that to hook me even more.Read all you can and keep an open mind in doing so, and things will come to you. Denial sets in and you will question yourself because it is alot to swallow. To think how much you loved this man and that you were just a someone he could use is real hard to grip but in time everything will make sense. READ all you can and then reach out to your true friends and this site it has helped me alot. Everyday I read something I can identify to,. Til then please know you are not alone and remember you are not STUPID they are monsters and know how to perfect manipulation where know one can see it coming. Pray

  2. Lakshmi says:

    I’m still married to a sociopath . I’m from india. Society here expects me to bear all de abusing n still continue to live with him. I cant stand him anymore. I hav 2 kids of whom he has never bothered. They r also detached with him. As of now I sleep with my kids n keep contact with him very minimal. But dat short period is enough for him to emotionally drain me.wat can I do?

    • positivagirl says:

      Hi Lakshmi, I am unsure what support systems are available to women in India, or what the cultural expectations are for women in marriage? Do you have support from friends/family? Somebody that you can talk to? I am in the UK, here we have special places that women can escape to with their children, but I am unsure if that is available in India. I am wary about giving you advice, if there are not the support services available in your area to support you. I wouldn’t like to place you at risk.

      Please write here whenever you like – there are warm friendly people here. I am in the UK and this is a good page that gives advice on what to do when you are about to leave (sociopaths can turn very nasty when you go to leave them) – so be warned it is the most dangerous time. It is best to try to get away in a safe way. I hope that this can offer some useful advice for you? http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=000100010008000100310005

    • jusagurl says:

      Do you have a close, trusted family member with whom you have shared this? I know Indian families often live with extended relatives so it can be precarious to bring up such a sensitive topic among anyone you couldn’t fully rely on for support. Cultural norms in India are shifting though and it is possible you could gain support if you could educate your closest of family. But, if you don’t feel safe in that notion, perhaps you can find at least one close to you that you can share with. If that is out of the question, we are here as a group to at least hear you and you may or may not be able to find resources somewhere in your community, as positivagirl mentions.

      • Lakshmi says:

        Thanks for your support.my parents n close friends know.more dan culture people dont hav knowledge about sociopath n wat dey can do to u.u r right in saying I hav to educate dem first..I consider myself well read but I couldn’t identity him myself n jus stumbled on dat in net..feeling stupid….

  3. Lakshmi says:

    Its therapatic sharing with someone who had gone through the same as me .firstly ur blog is wonderful in explaining things dat I had faced but never understood fully.thank u for dat
    .I also dont know about women welfare here . should research it…my parents and my close friends know about my situation.im planning to leave soon. I think others don’t understand well.ur blog will come handy explaining things to dem.let u know.thanks for ur support. ..

    • positivagirl says:

      Thank you Lakshmi!! :) Try to make plans when you plan to leave. As sociopaths can suddenly change into the nice charming person just as you are about to leave (or if they are violent the risk to you is increased) – sociopaths hate losing control so when you go to leave – the bad behaviour escalates. Stay in contact with us.

    • kripa says:

      Hi Laxmi, I am from India too. N now today after almost 2 yrs frm when u wrote this am going through the same thing. I think my husband is a sociopath Although I am on early stages n definitely hav a bit of denial :( I want to knw ur story. Have u left him??

      • veena says:

        am from India now in the united states.. I was dating this indian sociopath moron for like 3 years.. he is a soulless piece of shit.. he took this so called indian system to his advantage wherein men are allowed to do whatever they want to whilst women must be patient and bearing.. i came to the US all the way for him.. i gave him everything he could ask for.. i made sure he was so taken care of and i was nothing but loyal to him even though i had much smarter men coming my way (which he later used to make me feel deeply guilty so that i avoided every one of em).. i would run to him even during the times he deeply hurt me (but treated other women right) he had multiple extra marital affairs and hid half the stuff from me.. the half truth he told me, he would boast that he was truthful to me.. we were once all set to marry each other and i broke it up due to some discomfort in my head.. but shortly thereafter i had been running to him.. thank God i had a chance to look into his mobile on one day where i was pursuing him to get back to me.. a piece of shit! he has all the way been sleeping with a married sri lankan lady (she has a kid) and he also had affairs with another married woman.. i guess two more elderly women.. even after that, i gave him a chance and gave him all my love.. he played the shit out of me as though acting out of “true love” for 4 weeks before he ditched me and discarded me like i were a piece of shit.. i dont know who does that to a girl who gave all that she could.. not only me.. he loves to destroy families.. he was so drawn to me when i told him am currently seeing someone so that he could make me his doll when i have another helpless guy compared to whom he can feel superior..

        he has no remorse, no feelings.. thinks he’s somehow better than everyone else.. funny part is he looks ugly looking.. he’s poor.. he’s dumb as fk.. he can’t speak english properly.. he is from a lower family background.. i had a huge edge over him in all aspects.. i can’t go into every detail (trust me i have left so many uglier stuff out) but its funny because i consider myself intellectual am smart enough to play him three folds over (although emotionally vulnerable)..he has made me lick his feet so many times making me beg for him to come back fully knowing my addiction for him..

        he’s cancerous and i have been avoiding him like plague.. my fate, he’s moved to the same city where i am in.. i want to desperately move out even though i dont want him to be of any impact to me.. even if he becomes neighbor, i should care less.. i used to be so jealous of his acquaintances due to the manipulative hold he had on me.. now i can see clear that he has no feelings and he can’t make any girl truly happy with any holistic intent.. he just acts his lungs out.. i can only see a lonely life ahead for him even if he has these ignorant girls by his side..

        i wanted to take revenge on him so much but now i can see clear what he is.. am not angry on him anymore.. he’s cursed no matter how much money he has or how much he gets laid or how many women to play around with or how much he tries to come off as a happy person to me thinking he will have me drooling at him in jealousy.. he can never be happy.. never be content.. never love anyone.. never receive love.. never feel intensity of any emotion.. he doesn’t know what it is like to hear the sounds of a free flowing river and feel peaceful.. he doesn’t know what it feels like to hug a loved one and unload all the stress.. he doesn’t know the satisfaction that comes out of fending for love.. all that he loves is himself.. even that i doubt, because in that case he wouldn’t wanna re establish himself by destroying others or making people worship him.. Ted Bundy may have killed so many women but i can bet he wasn’t an happy person.. remember.. PLEASURE and HAPPINESS are two different things.. he is just capable of pleasures out of thrills..

        to be frank i regret none of the lessons i learnt.. instead am glad i was able to learn from the experience.. but one must exercise caution not to let another of their kind to get in way.. i would love to write a detailed book on this or talk to any women who are undergoing the same problem.. i exactly know what to do.. i have been extremely obsessive and totally lost track.. i used to cross streets with eyes closed hoping a truck would hit me.. i know how painful it is.. i fully know.. i never thought i would live to see the days.. i can help any woman who is trying to recover from the torturous experience.. my heart goes out to the woman he’s set to marry.. all i hope and pray is she is fine..

        and for those who are staying in the relationship for some reason (kids, family, friends, money whatever) – RUN.. run for your dear life.. this is the best advice i can give you.. i know its difficult in India but know what.. you are more important to yourself.. read blogs, educate yourselves.. you are better off alone penniless (you will find your way better than you did when you were with them).. this is coming from a person who has so many dreams about love life.. am alone and single now and am sure as hell my quality of life is way better than the 3 years i had with him.. and am surely living a life way better than that destructive asshole does who sucks the life out of other people trying to operate his life.. if i were him, i would die in shame.. but guess what, he wont.. because he’s shameless..

  4. jusagurl says:

    I did the same in stumbling across the information on the internet. I think those who are meant to know are made aware. Otherwise, it seems to be an undetected illness that is more prevalent than anyone without knowledge would suspect. It has opened my eyes to a whole other world I didn’t know existed.

  5. traybray says:

    Like Judith my lovely sociopath didn’t say bad things about me to my friends and family, he would say outrageous or offensive comments to them or be massively unsociable, like sitting in another room at a party.i felt embarrassed and so stopped seeing people to stop him doing it.
    I am lucky my important friends have stuck around, I think they are finding it hard to understand why I feel so sad though, he has been caught red handed seeing me and someone else and some of his dreadful lies have been exposed, for a long time I suspected lies but he always made me doubt myself, I felt like a crazy, mad woman. Now it’s all out though my friends are saying “forget him, move on, he’s not worth it” and I am trying but I miss him, well the illusion!! And am finding that very hard.
    This website is a fantastic help but I wish it was as easy as sever all ties and heal yourself, our lives are entwined, I am unpicking it as fast as I can and he is now busy grooming his next victim (who I SO want to tell!! But won’t , I’ve read that bit lol!!)
    I guess it will take time but I feel like he has stolen my spirit. I feel like a weak, pathetic person who isn’t strong enough to firstly, have stopped him and secondly just think sod (insert much stronger word) him and forget the lying, weasely little douche.
    He owes me quite allot of money (surprise) and put a fraction of that into my account yesterday and says he’ll paymore next month leaving me thinking (again) maybe I’m wrong, maybe he does care etc etc. actually I think it’s a further game, he can in his world say “welI was decent, I paid her back” and then feel ok about himself.
    I want to have my brain cleaned!!!!

    • Dragonfly says:

      My ex has some sociopath traits but not all either, he covered his tracks well but i had bad gut feeling about him & he did drain my energy, emotionally & was very jealous, dont worry we will emerge from this stronger but i know what u mean, we feel drawn to them, even like they hypnotized us, he had intense eye contact, lovers gaze, had charima, exciting at first, but then was preaching at me his christianity but he was judgmetal, negative & twisted scripture to suit his ideals, beliefs, was dogmatic. He said funny things to my family & preached to them about World govt, Globalisation, got very negative & angry as he preached, i said i cant take it anymore. I felt very uneasy the last few wks of rship & he was going off intimacy & i suspect seeing another woman & he got very angry when i mentioned a womans name that was a friend of his but he said she was married, reconciled to husband, but he got into a rage about it a few days earlier & he wouldnt answer 2 phone calls in front of me, in the same wk or two, so warning signs to me, plus my persistant bad feeling. As hes anti smart meter activist, one of my friends cannot contact him about that, he seems to have gone off the face of the earth,maybe moved to be with the other woman, anyway I letting him go, his loss not mine, even though this is hard. So i empathise with you all, its hard what we going thru at least we all still here. He never stole money off me, he was brought up by good christians, but said he was controlled up to the eyeballs by his dad, he had a lot of anger, resentment on the surface, was getting sarcastic, more angry at me towards the end. Hypnotherapy may help? i am trying it tonight

      • Kay says:

        I know what you mean everything with me happen so fast too. I’m going to divorce court this Wednesday and I am very nervous. Because he has a criminal charge ( assault of a family member) I can get my divorce Wednesday I don’t have to wait for the 60 days! But, I think he will have some tricks up his sleeve. I have to be honest with you, he has taken up with his ex girlfriend and if it wasn’t for her he would have made my life more miserable. I remember I tried to break up with him one time before, there were several times and each time I went back, I felt like I was in a Lifetime movie. He drove up on the side of me angry and mad making it like he was doing me a favor. I am so glad to be rid of him and I can’t wait until Wednesday so I can really move on with my life without him. Those who are still with there Sociopath I will pray for you! That is a hard way to live your life!!!!! You have to get out, however the opportunity come! Because as the relationship goes on they do get angry and when you think things can’t get worse it do!!!!!! I can’t put anything past him!!!! Don’t trust them!!!!!

  6. Judahbug says:

    For those who are spiritual, biblical or otherwise I found this article and it really opened my eyes as to the evilness involved with these Socs.


    • positivagirl says:

      Interesting Judah. I am not a huge fan of religion, but when I was researching trying to find explainations and answers last year, I did come across this quote which is from the bible. Interesting?

      The words of a talebearer are like tasty trifles that go deep into the body; they go deep into the subconscious mind. Fervent lips with a wicked heart are like clay pots covered with a cheap silver coating, he deceives himself by disguising with his lips who he hates. When he says kind things, do not believe him, because there are seven abominations in his heart; Though his hatred is concealed by deceit, his wickedness will be revealed before the assembly. Whoever digs a pit will fall into it, and he who rolls a stone will have it roll back on him. A lying tongue hates those who are crushed by it, and a flattering mouth works ruin.

      Proverbs 26

      • jusagurl says:

        Wow, this hits home with my experience this week. My approach to dealing with the soc has been a little different. I don’t talk about it here because, I’m sure it’s not for everybody. But I know who I am and have felt convicted as far as what I believed I should do with respect to him.

        What I have learned mostly lately is his hidden contempt for me. It has come out three times recently, unexpectedly, in his behaviors. Before, I only noticed brief (I mean, just a couple seconds) actions. Like he would put his thumb to my eye as though he would press it out. (I know, bizarre, right?) Or, he would pinch me. What made this odd was it was totally out of context and not in the midst of any relevant conversation. It was like a light switch flipped—just for a minute.

        I’ve also just really confirmed recently that he lies even to himself. This probably shouldn’t really have been a surprise to me since he has seemed pathological with it to everyone else, but for whatever reason, I had just assumed that, to himself, he would be genuine. This discovery enlightened me.

        I have been distancing, not consciously, but my person is learning what to reject and to cling to higher values. Throughout this process, I’ve felt healing of my internal self. I’ve learned I’ve really been blaming me for a lot undeservedly and trying to run from things that have to be confronted. Merging new me with old me is still a little up and down, but I’m mostly happy. What a crazy journey…and I know you know what I mean.

      • positivagirl says:

        Yes – I do know what you mean:)

      • O M says:

        Hello everyone, Yes i see that too  in my ex’s behaviour towards me. He would pretend someone was waving to him, as a joke, a private joke between us. If i looked to see who he was waving to, he would brush the back of my head, i think he thought i was a bit slow, he knew i have aspergers. He did a lot of jokes like that, at time i thought it was funny, kind of cute, but now being apart, well we see things differently once we’re distanced from, ended relationship.

        Love & light & peace, hope, joy to us all, we are strong for having broken away from our ex spaths.

  7. Dragonfly says:

    Me too. I being strong, no contact from me or my ex, for 6 weeks now! I do feel tempted sometimes to tho & feel tempted to contact write to his parents or send tho, to send them photos, but i have not. Thanks to everyone, for inspiring me. Love & light to all, keep our faith & stay strong, its not easy but it does get easier over time. Hypnotherapy is very healing, I highly recommend that. :) xx

    • As of the latest, I finished the divorce papers and he is getting served today. I am still struggling and haven’t done so well with No contact. I have texted over the past week, he responded a couple times still expressing “if I only knew how much he really loved me, etc.” However, I know the reality of what has happened and that when people honestly love you, they don’t do the things he did…I still have a hard time, missing him, missing the way it was, and I even stupidly sometimes wonder if we will ever be back together again…this is when I stop listening to my gut and I need to remember that! Is it normal to have all these range of emotions? From day to day, I go through sadness, missing him, hating him, knowing the truth, and then back to questioning myself. I can tell he is definitely trying to cut the contact, he either doesn’t reply or is very cold and short. I REALLY need to stick to the NO CONTACT! I don’t understand why I am putting myself through this hell! It only hurts me! Thanks to all for your support! Ready to have him and us erased from my mind!

      • jusagurl says:

        “Normal” is a subjective term in relation to this subject! Ha ha ha But, that said, “normal” or not, I go through the same thing. I think it is normal to question ourselves because, due to the lies, we have unresolved questions about what is the real truth. Unfortunately, we’ve learned early on that the one person who could fill in those answers for us won’t do so because it would incriminate them. So, with this abuser, that we have learned is a liar—whether we have the real, full truth or not—we feel interchangeably warm and cold towards, because we don’t know which times we are wrong or right about them. It is the very definition and consequence of emotional and mental abuse in action. And, when you think of it in those terms, while it should be easy to “put down the addiction”, it isn’t because of some of the reasons I just illustrated.

        If you have a heart for light and truth, you want to reconcile ambiguities. The soc is the last personality type on earth who will help you with this. I’ve thought about this a lot. I believe it is us trying to be true to our own natures. That’s what makes it a very vicious abusive cycle. Many come on here saying they were the type to be critical of someone who “fell” for these type people. They viewed themselves as skeptics and therefore safe. Until you’ve seen something this crazy, you have no idea what someone else is capable of doing to you through mind manipulations. Over half my life is over and I had never seen this before. And the element of surprise is just one advantage they have.

      • SaraJay says:

        I’m hoping those ranges of emotions are normal, I too experience them. It has been a full year since I had any contact with my ex, and trust me it was very hard initially, but recently this week I testified in court against him (dating violence-which ultimately resulted in a year of jail time for him)… Throughout this past year I was happy and moving on. I no longer thought about him or our past, though seeing him in court made me feel sorry for him and even missed what we use to have. I also found myself wondering if I had done something different or tried harder during our relationship would we be together and happy.? (The first year of our relationship he made me feel special and loved- He made me feel like I was his everything). I’m a relatively educated person, a BA in Biology and starting Medical School next year, I’d like to consider myself reasonable and rationale. Though, for some reason I am having some ridiculous thoughts… I want to believe so badly that he loved me, and that he really didn’t mean to hurt me, that he was acting the only way he knew how (he grew up in a bad family environment) and didn’t want to lose me or us. I know that’s not the truth now, but then why am I so conflicted with these contradicting thoughts and emotions? Because of this week, and seeing him, I am back to being an emotional wreck. It is without a doubt very comforting, though each of our situations are different to some extent, to know that I am not the only one who has these feelings and/or thoughts. I’m laying in bed right now, at 4:30 AM unable to sleep because of this. A total of 3 yrs post meeting him and I am back to being miserable and questioning so much. I’m currently thinking about looking into a psychiatrist, I want this behind me, I need to rid myself of the idea that I may and/or still love him. I still have fears that affect my future because of the damage that he has caused. These posts have definitely made me feel better, and even getting to share my story without judgement has helped too. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated!

      • positivagirl says:

        Hi Sara, you could drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what he feels. How he felt about you and if this was real……

        Take yourself out of this thinking. You see it does not matter how he felt. What is important is how he made YOU FEEL!!!. If your mind wanders back to this please take down on a piece of paper a list

        How he made YOU feel.
        Bad things he did to you.
        Long and short term effects on your life.

        This should help you. It will take away (in your mind) the power ands control of him over you. It should help you to get your own power for you.

        You are what you think. If you are struggling use lists to remind you. Change your thinking change your world.

  8. marion larrick says:

    Hi, Sara I truly can feel all that you are going thru because I myself am dealing with the same emotions. My spath left me almost 10 months ago for another woman and in the time frame he ust to text and came to San Jose 2 times and both times wanted to see me. Now during our relationship he had many affairs and lied about them. Even when he came down he lied and said he was living with a bunch of guys.Now, why in the hell would I believe him that he was telling the truth and why would I believe that he had changed and doing good with this other woman when he was just doing to her what he did to me. I also, said many times maybe if I had done things different he would still be here but NO he is what he is a Spath and there is nothing that can change him and nothing I did would ever please him because these kind of people don’t look for meaningful relationships it’s about what they can get and they could care less of what you need or want and they will fake their whole existence to win. I know what works for me when I start to go down that road of thinking what or why it didn’t work and then I remember all the beatings, cheating, lieing and cold hear ted person he is and that takes me back to sanity.I too wanted to believe he loved me but he would have replaced me sooner or later. It’s not that he stayed to make things work its because he couldn’t find a new victim that had the source of supply that I did but once he found her he was gone.Like postivagirl says this new one will be in my shoes one day and I do feel sorry for her.So, just try and remember what he is and how things really were and those feelings will probably make you angry. inward hurt but it will get better. God Bless you and pray

  9. oneredflower says:

    The sociopath I was dating has blocked me totally out of his life, partly, I suspect, to reassure the woman he is with (he was with both both of us, she found out, he left me, she took him back.) Does this seem sociopathic behaviour? Everything else he did and was is exactly as you describe in this site though.

    I reacted to his lies (when I realised they were lies) very strongly
    Telling everyone what he was like. Hopefully that means he will never contact me again.

    Thanks for this site. It’s a nice life-saver.

    • positivagirl says:

      Hi oneredflower, welcome to the site. Yes this is typical sociopathic behaviour. He wouldn’t want you saying anything about him. If it seems cold, it really is. He was hoping that you would react strongly to his lies…. as then he could say you were crazy. I am sorry that you have been through this. It is not very nice to go through, but if he is a sociopath…. he will do the same to her. Am sure that right now he has his new mask on.

  10. oneredflower says:

    The irony is I helped him with his new mask, having given him encouragement to become a writer. He and that woman are now writing columns on an online paper. This really annoys me but I’m trying to be thankful that he’s no longer stinking up my life. I don’t care if he says I’m crazy – those who believe him mean nothing to me, and are really beneath my notice. However, I’m rather looking forward to his current relationship breaking down … probably not too charitable of me but I don’t care. If they can gloat and act superior towards me, they deserve every evil in this world.

  11. brandye says:

    Hi everyone, I’m so confused to say the least. I had been with this man for 7 years until July of this year. I don’t even know where to begin. From the moment I met him I was literally blown away, he said everything I wanted to hear and then some. I was married at the time with 3 children. I needed up leaving my marriage. pretty much from the get go he was everything I thought I ever wanted, he knew just what to say, what to do to make me feel special. I was literally mesmerized, it was like I was in a trance. Then all of a sudden bamm!!! He started cheating, lying, and abusing me mentally and physically. but no matter how much I knew, even if I pretty much caught him red handed, it was simply not true, according to him or my fault. He was so good at manulipating I was just baffled and so stupid, I forgave every time. he lied so much about everything it just came so natural to him, it was mind blowing. He never isolated me from friends or family, so I can’t relate to that part of it. He was very private with his life, secret social sites, hidden cell phones, you name it he had it.but all the while telling me he loved me and couldn’t live without me. the whole relationship I justified everything by saying he’s young and just confused. He had a horrific childhood and I just figured he was also dealing with that. Pretty much everyone we came across could see that he was so fake as far as his words. He tried to tell everyone he came across how perfect his life was, lying right through his teeth like it was nothing. I know I’m rambling and I’m so sorry, there’s just so much more to the story I could talk for days. anyway he broke my nose and beat the shit out of me so bad in July I packed what I could and left. within 2 weeks he had someone else living with him and pregnant, didn’t hear from him in 3 months then all of a sudden he called and now loves me more than anything in the world and wants me back in his life, while still with her. I don’t understand any of this and so thankful to god that I came across this website, it explains so much. even though I still doubt myself thinking its all my fault, could he really be a sociopath or am I just looking for excuses as to why I wasn’t good enough to be treated normally. Please help, hurt confused and simply broken:(

  12. Michelle says:

    Hi, this is just a short reply, maybe another time I will write more.
    I just wanted to sat that I was with my ex for 3 years, and I finally got him to leave dec 2012, but it took until july 2013 for him to give me anyspace…….he still managed to use me for what he needed, and to mess with my head, my emotions and my mental state……..by this time I had understood that he did have BPD, but he had refused to continue with the Psychiatric and GP input last year. Then as he continued a little more up till this new year 2014, and I realised that he is actually a sociopath…….I had always thought he wasn’t because I believed he had a conscience and felt guilt and remorse for a lot of what has happened over the last 18 months….which hasn’t just affected me, but others, including a women who he got pregnant while he was with me………..long story. Short version, he was using her for sex and as a way of making himself feel good…..and a baby followed, which was quite ironic as we had had a few miscarriages while we were together. I finally understand that the conscience, remorse and guilt and the tears I’ve seen him shed…..have all been for himself and for the situation he feels he is in, and because nothing ever seems to go right for him……which is usually anyone elses fault but his own. It’s a terrible feeling realising that the 3 years I was with him, and everything else that has followed over the last twelve months has all been a lie, a means to an ends….I know you get over heart break…been there done that before, and that it takes time………but this is one that I’m struggling with. I have times where I feel fine, and then it hits like a wave and I’m engulfed in what feels like a little child lost in the fog……..I’m even questioning if I may be a sociopath, or if I have some mental health issue to be feeling the way I am….does that make sense?, I only wish that I am wrong and he isn’t a sociopath, and then at least it wasn’t all lies, deciet, control and manipulation and it did count, I did count,lol, it has been 2 weeks now, and I told him to not contact me again, and I did call him a thoughtless, selfish arrogant tw*t, which he responded with he didn’t need me to make him feel any worse than he does. He’s talked to me about all different things, and he is doing all the things he did to me to another person now…..and I know he has smeared me to her and anyone who will listern so I’m not able to say anything. She knows a lot of what he has done, so she has gone into it with her eyes open to a certain extent…..she left her 10 year old daughter up here with her estranged husband to move away to be with him down south where he wanted to be…….so again he is affecting other peoples lifes…….I hope that maybe he has learned a lesson or two and can change and start to treat people how they should be treated……….but I know if he is the true sociopath that he appears to be he wont change and will continue to leave destruction wherever he has been, x

    • positivagirl says:

      Hi Michelle, Welcome to the site. I think it is normal, for the experience to leave you questioning whether you are a sociopath. I think that this happens, because to cope, you either allow the hurt and pain to destroy you, or you have to fight back, or become cold and indifferent to not allow this to affect you. Also, they WILL turn it around on you, and accuse YOU of being a psycho… This is a common sociopathic behaviour. And it can lead you to believe that this is true.

      He won’t learn any lessons though. Sociopaths don’t learn lessons. Instead they repeat patterns of behaviour over and over….. go easy on yourself, and remember that when any relationship ends, there is a grieving process to go through. At first is the fog of confusion, just stunned, amazement and confusion…. how this could happen. I hope that you receive good support on this site. Welcome :)

      • Michelle H says:

        Hi, thankyou for your reply…….as much as I would never wish any of how this feels on anyone else…not even my ex…….it helps to know that other people have and are going through this experience, and that I’m not alone, and that I’m not going crazy, waiting for the self doubt and confusion in emotions to calm down a bit…..one of the things I keep thinking is how can anyone do this knowingly to another person. It’s been a bad 18 months, on top of the ex, we found out our senior at work was/is also a sociopath, who has duped and conned and stolen from us her work collegues and me her closest friend aswelll as family and work itself……..she manged to con so many people, so I’m not in that one alone…….it’s hard to believe that there are so many sociopaths out there amongst us…..and until it gets to the end of what they are up to, or until they mess up enough to make it apparent to others we don’t appear to be aware of the fact that these people are not who we believe them to be and that the person we knew never really existed……….it’s an awful reality that not everyone has inner morals that would prevent them from being so callous, manipulative and deceitful, without giving a second thought to what they are doing and the affect it will have on other people………I’m trying not to let it change who I am, because I am normally a strong caring thoughtful loyal person who trys to treat others how I would want to be treated…..and that’s not me being niaeve…….there are decent people and I am one of them……….hoping I can learn to trust people again, I have learned a lot and I am reflecting loads and learning more about myself aswell as others and the type of person I do and don’t want to be…..so if nothing else it is helping me evlove, hopefully to be a better person, x

  13. trueblue says:

    I.too, am half way through my life and never ever encountered a SP. This was all new to me. It is walking into a brick wall as the sp would wind me up and I would continuously walk into the wall and then turn around and he would wind me up ….I would walk into a wall. That is the way I describe it. Many of you have spent many years with the SP. I have not. I spent 5 months. It has left me dazed and confused. I have written here before. SP had just gotten out of jail. Yes, I know. How did I get mixed up in that? I do not know or understand how many of you stayed in the relationship as long as you did. The hurt that is projected onto you is unbelievable to me. I could not have done it. I would have commited suicide. This is all so confusing to me. I try not to think about it…..but it is the only thing I think about. During this time I made notes on what he said to me. I do not know why I did that. As the relationship (if that is what you want to call it) I continuously wrote the horrible things he said to me down. After he left I spent a lot of time reading that list over and over. Even though he said those things to me……I could not feel anything but love for him. How did he woo me into something like this? I am still trying to figure that out. Even though he moved in with someone within two weeks….they had a relationship for many years. I think it was maybe off and on. Some folks on here tell me I am the OW . I don’t know if I am….was or whatever. There is something about their relationship I do not get. I wont ever get but I do remember him saying she could take care of him. I did not understand it a first and I am still not understanding how she could stay. In my eyes I see a big lasso and she pulled him in. It seems to me she has some power over him….kinda like I was feeling. I try not to think about but I must admit I do. Everything that is said here on these pages of post are all true. I never experienced this kind of relationship so it has been hard to cut ties. He last words he texted me was he was now in a relationship but he thought about me and he cared about me……blah blah blah. They had already moved in together by this time. With their relationship she checked his phone he said so for me not to text him….he would text me. I love you. Now I know he was setting me up not to text him because his was now with her now. Hell, I don’t know. I know one thing…I write. I love to write. During these past months….I have not written because all of this sh$t was evolving all around me and I could not even write I was so desparate I could do something I enjoy because I spent every minute trying to figure this stuff out. I can’t. I guess he and the other person will live happily ever after since she can keep some type of tight reins on him. I have a lot of questions…I cant figure their relationship out . In put would be great. I do want to say I did delete the stuff he said to me because I found myself reading it over and over and over. I made myself delete it. It was just like cutting myself every time I would read it. I am NC for two months. I could go on and on but will stop now. Thank you for reading and I hopeful for some feedback. I thought he would see me as kind and caring. In my mind I could fix him….H ll, I cant even fix myself.

  14. […] are a few things to take a look at. Recovery and healing! | Dating a Sociopath New Ways To Healing | After Narcissistic Abuse […]

  15. scarlettown2012 says:

    I do career coaching and am working on certification as a life coach. I came across this article that I felt was good advice for healing from the sociopathic experience as well. It’s about sealing your mind leaks, but really it’s about energy leaks. And, as we all know, sociopaths are maybe the best energy drain for stopping us from reaching our goals and potential. Sometimes, it’s good sense to protect formative thoughts from everyone, unless you can count on support: http://www.nightingale.com/newsletters/matt-furey-achieving-goals-by-sealing-your-mind-leaks/?promo=inla608#continue

  16. depressed lady says:

    I dated a sociopath for 3 years, we were in a long distance relationship. I met him online and started talking everyday, oh how i love our conversation, hes kinda perfect guy for me. He told me how hes family treated him shit when he was younger and how he ex girlfriends cheated and used him. After 3 weeks he asked me to be his girlfriend and i accepted it. After 2 months of continuously communicating he already told me hes real FACE, hes real AGE and BIRTHDAY. And told me he was ready to leave and instantly changed his numbers and that he was hospitalised by what happened of him telling me the truth that hes in pain in hurting me. I was completely shattered by it but i forgave him because he was there talking to me, calming me down, accepting and hearing all my questions and feelings, hes was such an angel. So i recovered fast from that painful truth he just divulged that hes not a bad person. That he was just afraid that i wouldnt like him if he let me see hes real face or body. But i told him that im not a superficial person, i like hes brain and how good and caring person he was.Then theres a trouble that lost his postpaid line that for 2 and half years he told me that he can no longer have a phone line because its too expensive and no telephone company will provide him, even if im doubtful so i blindly take it. He told me he hates people, he love being alone all the time and also an ATHEIST, he told me as long as he not doing anything against the constitutional law hes a good person. When i pushed him regarding his friends, co workers and specially family, he always get MAD and shouted so loud that hes trying to protect me from hes insane family, i should accept that hes not a people person, he believes in humanistic approach rather than believing in GOD. After a year he visited me in my place for 2 weeks, we go on a vacation together. I feel like hes not so overly romantic from what im hearing from him on the phone or on skype.I just accepted the fact that he was being abuse when he was a child so there were times when our togetherness was feeling empty. i still loved him very much. Hes intelligent and when we fight it feels like its me who has this mental issues, sometimes i stand my ground but it was exhausting. He insist in supporting support me financially monthly the past 2 years, gave me cellphone and laptop, telling me that i can never find a guy like him. I had a vehicular accident this year that tore my left face and right elbow fracture that lead us into deep debt with different people from my hosptalization. So he knew what im going through because i sue the driver and the owner of the vehicle for no being responsible for my accident. All this emotional pain im going through and the financial problems thats arising from from my previous accident.
    I am not fully aware that he has this mental illness until this December 1, 2014 i asked him if we can cut the long distance between us, he started yelling and saying negative words upon me, on how i should asked him when hes no longer sick. A lot of hurtful words has been said so i breakup with him, then more hurtful words in making me feel how worst my life is, keep threatening me and my family in the other country. I am feeling completely insane and from now into depression and fighting it. He told me hes going to sue me for being financially abuse him and will release something that humiliate me with my coworkers and friends that i will live in hell. This completely put me in pieces like i never knew this side of him.

  17. jen says:

    I had been doing well and have made no attempt to contact him but then I get the urge to reach out because I still think he’s the charming caring guy I met when I know its not true.The worst part is the isolation he has always kept a distance between me and his family he controls everyone like puppets and drags them into a web of lies he has told me it is. My fault yet I have no control my son is missing out on his family while my ex sits and paints a picture and uses my son to exploit people for money .It actually makes me sick because there is nothing I can do I feel so helpless.

  18. kripa79 says:

    Omg. All these sound like my story. I have just knwn my husband for a year and a half and married for 8 mths. honestly issues of his anger and temper related to alcohol had already happened before marriage but because he always promised to change and had literally swept me off my feet during our courting phase I kept forgiving n hoping for a change. He has signed promise letters, declarations the works! I used to think he was jus not good with alcohol. So went crazy trying to make alcohol limits for him.. on his request of course. Which he wud never adhere to. He is 7 yrs older than me, financially not too great, a divorcee and a father and has a problematic mother.needless to say he was never my type until he squeezed his way into my life by sayin and doin the right thing. So for the last 8 months its been a total rollercoaster. So many love notes and promises. So many fights mostly related to alcohol. So many verbal abuses n emotional torture. Not to forget hos horrible n mean mom who shouts at anyone n everyone jus for any small reason and who has a definite tantrum once every 3-4 days.so many apologies. I felt sometimes he was deliberately tryin to age me by stressin me. Btw when we met I was a model..quite skinny and now m 10 kgs heavier. He had even joked that one day he wud make me chubby so no guy wud look at me! Well thats wat he did.. anyways I come frm a culture where divorce is a no no unless its really a pathetic situation. So I managed nvowed to make things better. By praising him, supporting him at work, less nagging while he drank etc. Still didn’t seem to work for a long span. Recently I saw something that shattered me. Now in retrospect I feel it was God tryin to save me frm this man. His exwife had a nasty habit of reaching out to him for some work or another since our courtin days. N I cudnt understand why he entertained her since he said he hated her..was a bitch..cheated on him etc. He also was not giving any child support or alimony and had decided not to see his son as the exwife is crazy. So I went thru his emails tryin to discover their complicated history and instead wat I found shocked me to the core. I found a threatening mail frm her to him citing all the times that she had done favors for him. .meaning they had been having an affair continuously while he was dating me and discussing marriage with my family . Also he had very convenienttly told her lots of lies about me and had said he was not happy etc! While of coursr he had been whispering sweet nothings to me. He denied it all n one by one his lies started comin apart. He is so disgusting he even went to her place a week before our wedding to complain about me and mayb to have sex. She is the one who declined as she was tired of being used in the name of love. Yes the same lady that he called psycho n bitch. .he was claimin to love her too and kept hinting they might work out one day..I moved out to my mom and one by one got confessions out of him. I started researching on his personality n he totally fits the bill Of a sociopath. Of course now he is constantly begging me to forgive and wants me to come bac. Its so obvious he is not sorry for wat he has done but for getting caught n leavin that mail around. Of course the hopeful part of me wants to believe he is not a sociopath and will actually change. Although my mind is clearly saying no dont give him a chance. Once I go bac will trap me in pregnancy etc.. which he has tried before btw. Really wanna be sure im making the right decision. Help!

  19. kripa79 says:

    i have actually told him no since last few days n he has tried all tactics to bring me back..screaming, crying, reasoning, cajoling, abusing, blaming my nature, threatening, n lastly silent treatment.we r both on each others watsapp but never reach out since quite a few days. Its like he is punishing me for leaving him.I am not discussin my confusion with him n keep sayin I cant forgive or forget. Of course to u all I must admit I m v v heartbroken n keep praying for a miracle to resolve all this. N every time I think of a good time with him I get tears in my eyes.
    Im really feeling very confused about the situation :
    1. He has been so bad to me. Cheated on me during our golden months. Has abused n mistreated me after drinking in public. Even trapped me into this marriage on false info!
    Why then do I miss him so much :( every waking moment I miss him n the possibility of a bright loving future with him
    2. although all above seems to be socio traits..I need to be more convinced he is a sociopath. Shall I take him to a testing centre?. Will it help if I tell him hes a sociopath n try n find solutions to overcome this. If a sociopath is willing to change then can they??
    3. I am on less contact but wat to do about my fragile mind that misses him so much. Goin through a complete roller coaster of emotions. Hurt, pain, sadness, love, numbness
    4. I knw rebounds r not recommended but I havr tried to recover through rebounds in previous relationshipps n it seemed to have worked. Really tempted to do it this time. .at least if I hav someone new on my mind will have less time to think of this one..
    5. I have 3 months before I can file for divorce due to legal laws in India. Is it worth trying for these few months as a last ditch effort. To see if he changes. I really hav no trust left on him so dunno how that wud even work :(

    Pls help with ur suggestions. Really need them :(

  20. hope springeth eternal says:

    Listen up girls. Let me share a Karma moment with you all. It’s almost 20 years since I dumped him,he made me so unwell it took me years to recover. I’m now on the sane side of the madness. I have lately discovered that now he is retired and has posted his ‘photo on his facebook profile, he looks exactly on the outside as he is on the inside, and for someone who relied totally on his looks to attract women ( he had zero personality) he is now so ugly,and looks so miserable that I can’t help but laugh my head off. He has posted ‘photos that are years old,when he was with two other women in the honeymoon stage, yet he hasn’t posted any of any current woman he might or might not be involved with.Methinks he has become the sad,lonely ,old man that I predicted he would,and all I have to say is ‘Serves him right’ Believe me you will recover and may eventually get to see his downfall like I have.

  21. Christopher says:

    I’m 50 I’m not sure if I have time to recover .oh my god

  22. Jen says:

    Hi everyone, I am reading through the comments as I’m desperately trying to get answers/justification or some sort of validation that my ex partner of 8 years is a sociopath. I broke up with him a year ago but have had contact with him on and off since and the whole situation, the constant wondering if he is with someone else, if he is really a sociopath, why he did what he did, the list goes on (pretty much the same questions and wonderings as all the other victims above) just won’t leave my head. I guess I’m writing to get validation, which I think will help me. Reading this site so far is really helping. So ill sum up the last 8 years and hopefully you guys can help me with some sort of reasons to why and who this person is!???

    8 years ago I met him at work. He had a girlfriend at the time so I knew he was off limits, however I remember often thinking that he was quite flirty with other girls-good looking or not. He was so nice and everybody thought he was a really great guy. The people I worked with used to talk about him really highly and said that he and his girlfriend were really tight and spent heaps of time together. I developed a major crush on him, which is quite strange as I never really knew him very well, I just found him really attractive (great body) and he was soooooo nice. Anyway, he left the job to start a teaching career and moved away. I remember being devastated about not being able to see him anymore and I gave him my number so that we could possibly catch up as friends in the future. He also gave me his number. A few weeks later it was Christmas and I sent him a text saying Happy Xmas, to which he replied, “who is this?” obviously my heart broke. He seemed to have this spell over me. But from what I knew he had a girlfriend and I wasn’t going there! However I think after a few texts back and forth and me asking what he got for Xmas he actually wrote, “I didn’t get everything I wanted. I wanted to see you in heels and a G”. I don’t recall wondering if he still had a girlfriend after I got this text, but I was shocked by it as it pretty much came from left field (this event could have happened the following xmas as he did stuff me around for a year, but at the time we hadn’t slept together and I remember thinking it was a real shock to get that msg-so who knows!) I don’t think I had contact with him much after that…..memory isn’t all that good as it was so long ago and sooooo much has happened since.

    Then one day, I think a fair few months later I text him to ask how he was going. He replied that he would be in Melbourne and that we should catch up. He also said that he had broken up with his girlfriend. All my dreams had come true! From then on we caught up a few times for dinner/movies etc. But there was no intimacy at this point. From then on, it didn’t take long before we were sleeping together. He met me in a hotel in Melbourne (he lived in Geelong) and he initiated the first kiss and the sex. Thinking back I realize how quickly he moved in on me, despite not knowing much about each other at all. For months we just caught up and had sex and dates. Eventually I started asking where I stood and he couldn’t give me any answers and said he wasn’t ready to commit. I was infatuated so I hung in there. Then he started going cold on me and said that he didn’t want to do ‘this’ anymore. I fought for him to stay with me but he held strong. A few weeks later, after not much contact at all I text him and asked if he wanted to see a movie. He said yes and came over. That night we had sex again and the whole sex/dating thing started again. This time this whole process lasted longer and I met some of his mates etc. I moved closer to Geelong and the day I moved into my new place I got a text saying he needed to talk with me. I knew in my gut that it was going to be bad! He said he would come and see me on the weekend but never did. I pretty much had to nag him to come and see me and talk to me. When he came over he explained that he didn’t want to see me anymore. In my head I was thinking Holy Shit…. your kidding me…this is happening again! But externally I was weak and just sat and took what he said. I even asked him “if you do eventually want a girlfriend would you chose me? To which he replied, “I don’t know, I haven’t found anyone else yet!” (Can you believe it!)? After an 8-year relationship with this guy this comment sticks in my head. When he left (he stayed for about 15 mins and did didn’t even sit down to talk to me!) I sent him a massive text spilling my heart to him. He never replied. He reckons he never got it but he did.

    I was sad for a long time. I couldn’t believe what I had done (moved and paying a crap load of rent) and what he had done after I thought that finally this was it! I had no choice but to accept and try and get on with my life. A few months later I was slowly getting over him and I got a text out of the blue saying “hey gorgeous, how are you, what have you been doing?” Sounds stupid but I was over the moon! And again, it was back on! This time it lasted longer and he ended up asking me to be his girlfriend. Actually he asked me and I said no as I couldn’t trust him completely after he had stuffed me around twice. He said okay and we kept on sleeping together for a few more weeks. Then I asked him to ask me out formally again. He replied, “I only ask once!” (I was shocked by this comment) but wanted to be with him soooo much I just pushed my own feelings aside and pretty much begged him to ask me, to which he did and our relationship officially started. A few weeks later we were in the supermarket and he was being really weird with his phone. Walking off for long periods of time down the aisles. I saw him down one of the aisles looking at his phone and I though that was a little odd. So that evening I went through his phone and saw porn pictures, He said his mate had ben sending them to him. I said, that’s fair enough but why be so sneaky and secretive. He replied it was because he though id find it disgusting!!! Another time I also looked at a text that came through as he was sleeping one morning and it was from a girl called lara staying that she would be traveling through Geelong soon. I thought this was odd also as I had never heard him speak of a friend called Lara. When I confronted him he said he didn’t know who she was…. I must have just brushed this whole situation off because I can’t remember how this conversation was resolved but it didn’t at all end up in me thinking he was cheating. For some reason I thought he could never be capable of that as he was such a nice solid guy, a leading teacher, captain of a football club, great parents etc. As I had finished my degree I found work in Geelong and moved in with him a few months later. And this is when the real shit started to happen…

    I remember finding condoms in his jeans one day and he told me (after some questioning) hat he had been sleeping really briefly with a girl from his work that had left now and moved away. This was actually true and it clicked as to why he had broken it off with me so many times. He said that the condom must have been an old one from then (this wasn’t true of course) .I asked why he hadn’t stayed with her and he said one because she kept asking him to commit and 2 because she was moving away anyway. However he said that it was nothing and he had chosen to be with me and so that was enough for me, as I felt happy that he had chosen to be with me and that finally he was ready to commit and that he was committing with me (I must have been better and special)! However I kept on happy that he had chosen me and thankful that she had moved away (this didn’t stop me from Facebook stalking her though as it did make me feel insecure!)
    One night, in the middle of the night he woke me up to tell me something (the fact that he had woken me up in the middle of the night was strange enough for me as he was always a solid sleeper that hated being woken up). He told me that he had been getting strange texts from girls and he didn’t know what they were or who they were from. I questioned what they said and he just shrugged it off saying it was sexual stuff. I asked to see some and he said he had been deleting them (again odd, especially if they are suspicious and you may need evidence for phone company/police etc.). Anyway I said that next time he got one he should phone the police or go to phone company. This guy was quite a serious guy and ultra sensible (never drank/smoked/ went to gym everyday, anal about not spending money and saving, liked routine etc.) and so I thought it was odd that he hadn’t put a stop to this sooner or questioned the matter more. By that morning I had sort of forgotten the conversation, I assumed he would let me know if anything weird happened again. A few days later I saw on his bank statement that $70 had been taken out for a dating website. I raced to him and said “look, Lavalife, its a dating site, someone must have signed you up (one of idiot footy mates) as a joke and that’s why the text msgs are coming up! (I never thought about how his mates could have got his credit card details to sign him up!). Immediately his reply was “don’t tell my dad!” I thought “what the??” For someone who is so serious and money tight how can he not be furious that 70 bucks is coming out of his account each month and why is he not racing to the bank to stop it! His reaction was the complete opposite to what I expected and very strange. This reaction is what started me snooping further and further…

    One night when he was sleeping I went through his phone. I found msgs from random girls that were sexual and sleazy. Their names had been put in as friend’s names or code names. I remember my heart racing, I felt sick and I was shaking and couldn’t breathe. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe it was the same guy. I can’t describe how polar opposite this behavior was of what the public and I saw. I took down the girl’s number and I rang her the next day. I said nothing to him. She told me that for the past 12 months he had been visiting her. She came to the conclusion it was just for sex as he never stayed long and always had some excuse to leave after and hour or 2. He had given himself a different name and job. She also couldn’t believe it-she was actually really helpful and nice to me! She was speaking the truth. He never took her on dates either. It seemed to be just sex. However she did say that he did invite her to come and stay weekends in Geelong –but that obviously never happened because his housemates and I were there! When I confronted him the next day he completely denied it. He said it was a psych ex girlfriend. It took him 2 days and fighting through the day and night to admit it! When he admitted it I called his parents and my parents. I thought that he needed help. I wanted to help him. I thought that it be easy to fix and that I could help him.

    Anyway, his parents didn’t do too much. He cried a lot. I think they actually acted a bit desensitized. They certainly didn’t get cross with him. Maybe they were shocked too? I think I wanted them to be utterly disappointed in him and think he was an idiot for hurting such a lovely girlfriend but they didn’t do either. More tried to support him and sucked up I guess. When I asked why he was crying he would say “because I might lose you” or because this might be the last time we hug”. I felt sorry for him. I told those that were close to him but they didn’t seem to care (however I never told them about the stuff over the next 7 years which probably also enabled him)! I was angry and so hurt. I went overseas with my friend. I had to get away. We cut off the Internet to the house as this helped me to think that he couldn’t talk to people online. I didn’t trust him alone and I made sure I rang him all the time when I was there. Then I went to a country where my phone didn’t work and I felt majorly paranoid at first but then I felt relieved and free because I couldn’t check up anymore (and that was pretty draining). When I got back to the UK I dreaded it because it meant that I was able to check up again because my phone worked. It was like a weight had been put back onto my shoulders. I got a text from him straight away and my heart sunk. Even still I couldn’t leave him. Whilst in Europe he sent me a photo. In the background was an Internet chord going to the Internet modem. He hadn’t realized it was in the background! Maybe he did and he was still testing me?? I questioned whether he had turned the Internet back and he gave me some bullshit story that was completely irrational and again not logical! For someone that seemed so smart he gave silly reasons and excuses, which always gave him away! Over the 8 years that followed every 6 months at most I would find stuff on his phone or computer. He had different online dating accounts and different names. He said he never met any of them but he would have met a few. There were times when he would tell me that he thought he had a problem with the online cheating stuff and that at one time he had been ‘pretty obsessed’. He always used the same lines with the girls “I hope you are smiling”…that’s how I knew it was he writing when I saw the texts or emails on his phone. He even had a different sims for his phone. I smashed his phone multiple times in anger to which made him furious. Of course I questioned everything and this made him angry. He was unhappy because I was forever questioning where he was, what he was doing, why this, why that, ananylsing everything. He thought it was ridiculous. He went to see a therapist after I nagged him, but only went to the 5 free ones and when I asked what he had spoken to the therapist about he would tell me that they spoke about stuff other than his problem???? What???

    In the 8 years though we had great times together and I thought he genuinely did love me despite his issues. One reason for this was that he never actually left me. I think that he did have some respect for me in his own way. Not to blow my own trumpet but I think I am attractive, fit, enjoy exercising, love surfing, travelling, I am a leading teacher and am really social. Id says I’m a great catch! We also travelled to different countries together heaps, he made me a kayak, we went hiking together, kayaking, he made me presents and I bought a house which he helped me renovate (however looking back he complained about the work, never said how proud he was off me for the achievement and everything was made into a fight). However we did do great stuff together and I enjoyed his company most of the time when we were ‘good’. Of course I was happy when we were travelling, as I didn’t have to worry about him going online or cheating, as we were together 24/7. Although I was paranoid about him taking his phone to the bathroom which he used to get angry about. That reminds me, after probably the 5th time I found out stuff I stopped having sex with him. Although he didn’t even ask me for it. Sometimes when I initiated he would say no anyway-although this could have been a control thing. We got into a habit and comfortable and we probably didn’t have sex for nearly a year. However we had had great sex in the beginning and he was still cheating on me then anyway so it was that we weren’t having sex that caused him to cheat!

    Throughout the relationship I used to say, “can you say something nice to me?” (I think I needed the reassurance that he loved me) he used to reply “Like what? I don’t know what to say!” I never understood how he could just say something like “I think you are beautiful” or “I love you” He used to say that me asking this question made him feel uncomfortable.

    Over the 8 years I threatened to move out heaps, even looked for new places. He did too, but neither of use ever left. If after a fight, which usually ended with him packing his bags and driving off for a few hours, I would always beg for him to come back and he always did. However he was good at holding a grudge and outing it back onto me being angry with him all the time (doh! What do you expect?).

    He used to say that he stayed because he wanted us to work. When I asked if he would cheat again, the first few times (sounds crazy typing this now!) he would say no and that he would never do it again. Then the next time he would say that he had ‘urges’ to do it at certain times and couldn’t control them. Towards the end and after many more times of finding the latest shenanigans he would day that he didn’t know if he could stop or if he would do it again, but he hoped not.

    It’s been a year since I finally moved out. I moved out in August 2014. I couldn’t do it to myself anymore. I was miserable, couldn’t trust him, was realizing that I was letting myself down and I think I was finally just bored of it all and over it. I never wanted to give up on him but I realized that I had to because things were not getting better. I think my inner strength finally came through. My pride and my sense of worth hadn’t completely been destroyed after 8 years of shit. I couldn’t completely walk away though. I had to distance myself to protect myself to some extent but I couldn’t let go of him. We stayed in contact and caught up for dinners etc. but no sex. We decided just to see if we could work again but if there were any signs of us fighting etc. then we should end it totally (this was his idea). Come to think of it he used to say that if he had an argument with a girlfriend then that would out him back another year in proposing to them! What’s that about?

    In November 2014, I asked him to come to Europe with me, I thought this would finally make us stronger. He could see where I was from in the UK, we could have a great time together etc. It would heal us. He said no to start with and pretty much had to twist his arm to come then he said yes because he wanted us to work etc etc. It started off okay but he kept texting his married friend every other day, which I thought was weird as if we were supposed to be working on potentially sorting things out then why wouldn’t he focus his attention on me. Why did he need to text her about things all the time? He said he was being friendly to her because she was collecting his mail! Ha! I have best friends who have been through everything with me who I didn’t need to text each day!!!! He even had to text her to tell her when he had landed and was in the ‘stop over’ country. Even though she knew he was with me, he never mentioned me in any of the texts. At one point I text her back to see her reaction to me responding but she didn’t seem phased. I genuinely think she is happily married but this didn’t stop him texting her or vice versa. I don’t understand this! was His texting her made me feel really uncomfortable so I asked him to stop to which he thought was ridiculous. I wasn’t too threatened as she was married (she really was) but I dint like how he always had to have attention from her. Why wasn’t he texting his best male friends?

    Halfway onto the trip I found old msgs on his phone from 2 months before. He had sent pics of his semen to a girl, again he called himself a different name and he called her mistress!!! I couldn’t hit him hard enough. We had come on this trip and two months before he had been doing that shit again. In fact, he was probably texting whilst there as one day I opened viber to text my friend and accidently pressed ‘paste’. Part of a msg came up with him asking ‘where about in Melbourne are you? I hope you are smiling, Chris (his real name is Steve!). When i finally calmed down I asked him how I could help him….you wouldn’t believe this but he turned to me and said “I think the only thing that could help, is for you to move back in!!” I turned to him and laughs and said “you have got to be kidding, how the #$@% can you say that?” I think from this point I knew that he was not a normal human being. I asked him later on when we got back what would have happened if I had agreed and made plans to move back in. He said that he would have not let it happen and he would have told me not to move back in. Hmmmmmm I wonder when????

    He rationalized me finding the pictures from October saying that it was in October and that he thought he better stop before coming on the trip and he hadn’t done it since!!!! OMG!

    Following this, our last country of the trip was the UK. He randomly out of the blue told me that he loved me. I was so surprised as he rarely ever dais it even when we were properly together. I was shocked and it made me feel good. Even on the plane trip back he was talking about us potentially moving to QLD and he even started looking at places to buy with me at the airport.

    When we got back to Australia we had a few more catch ups and decided to give it until May this year to see how we go. I asked how I could help him to not go online again. He reckons that he had to set up an environment in the house where he was only allowed to use the internet for work and work only and that would help him. I thought to myself….that wouldn’t work and also do I really want to be with a guy that can’t sit infront of the tv with his laptop without cheating!
    I also still felt uncomfortable about him texting his married female friend and we had a few more arguments over this. He thought I was being ridiculous. I was the one instigating most of the dates and catch-ups and there was no sex however sometimes he would instigate calls and texts and dates with me. Sometimes he would ask to have a hug before I left. We got to May and as we had had a few arguments about the married chick and we hadn’t seen each other very much (I had a few social things on and I guess was starting to subconsciously move on out of fear of him-maybe my actions were actually testing him???). He said that ‘we’ didn’t feel right and that he had nothing else to give. I kept questioning why but he said he had nothing left to say and got angry. It’s been a month now without contact. A month ago I sent him a long text saying that our relationship wasn’t real, that he wasn’t real, that he was evil and that he had broken my heart. I didn’t get a reply. Although on my birthday on the 30th of August he sent a one liner email (yes email, not a text, very impersonal and cold) saying happy birthday. He even signed out with his work formal signature, not even a person from…). It broke my heart again. I had to send him a text the other day about getting our bond money back. It killed me that I had to send it, as I had had no contact for a record number of times. It took him 24 hrs. to reply and it killed me waiting for his response. Why didn’t he text back straight away? Is it because he was with someone else already? I know I’m stupid for questioning this but I need some answers from someone! I also don’t know why I should care as he was sleeping around when I was with him but I do!

    I haven’t heard anything else. He is doing the silent treatment. I don’t expect to hear from him again. After 8 years of loyalty, fun times, experiences, buying a house, travel, births, deaths and marriages he has dropped me like a piece of rubbish.

    In my head I am thinking:
    I am paranoid that he has already moved on after everything we did and had and that he has forgotten me.
    Is his behavior just the natural break up process?
    He has a good family, great leading teacher job, captain of a football team, great friends so why is he like this?
    Did he do this to his ex?
    Will he do it again-I hope he does because then it wasn’t just me
    What happens if he doesn’t do it again-what does that mean?
    Is he a sociopath or do I just need an excuse for what he has done?

    Sorry for how long this post is, but I had to write down everything to get an accurate picture out there so that I could get the best response. What do you guys think?????

  23. Stunned says:

    I wish more guys would share but I relate to most of what everyone does share in fact.

    I truly am blown away by this woman who has fooled me for four years. I do not like who I have become….I looked at her email and texting and found what I suspected.

    One man who she professes as just a friend at work..(she is executive assistant to owner of high tech firm), she wrote the same lines to him as she used on me…”your a gem” “i can see you fitting into my life seamlessly” and so on….a script in fact.

    As my dad went through end sate cancer and succumbed she complained I wasn’t there for her. So so so many more things to share but you all know the score.

    It has been only two days with no contact by either after another blowout. The night prior we had bbq and had nice evening in all aspects. Following day she said going away for Friday night with woman from work to fair. So i said let me know by 10:30 am if you would like to have lunch. I will be in area. I got text saying just have time to run n grab something so no to lunch. So i called twice..no answer. she admitted as I had been stressing for months to just be honest, that the guy from work ran into her as she walked out so they had lunch. I later that evening reminded her I had asked…”i forgot” was her reply. Blank look. Major blowout. She said if i dont want her to have her friend she will comply. (doubt it) I said no…..dont you get it? It isnt for me to dictate your behavior” I did say..ok then let me read your correspondence with him..then i will be satisifed its not sexual like you say” She said ok…..i walked over and as she began to search her messages with him she thought….i saw this……then said…”no…im not letting you see” i smiled…”classic” i said…..she not knowing i had been reading up on socios. I said good bye…you made your choice…..i am done. And i mean it….hurts so so much but truth is i felt alone with her last 8 months and discovered at least three sexual online relationship and suspect much more in real life. good riddance but my pain is just beginning. Thanks for all of your input folks

    • positivagirl says:

      Hi stunned look up the page mask of charisma a very long comment has just come in from someone called todd who has been and still is stuck last 10 years and seems like he is living in he’ll.

  24. torn up says:

    I dated a SP for 4 years off and on. It was a nightmare and I could not get away from him. It finally came to an end in Jan of 2012 when I was able to fully sever ties. I was a total wreck!! But, I learned a lot about myself (and him) and eventually got over it. Something like that would not happen to me again.
    I enjoyed being single for 3 years. Had hobbies and interests and a few really close friends. After a while I decided I was ready to pursue love.
    I met someone from an online dating site. He had a lot of the same interests as me posted on his page. After talking online for about 2 weeks we took it offline and talked on the phone. Then we decided to have a first date. I tell you what…that first date was magical. The chemistry was there! He was so interesting, charming, and seemed so in to me. We hit it off beautifully. We had a lot in common.
    I told him about my past a bit. He told me his. (This is where the mirroring started)
    He knew I was guarded and still getting a read on him. He actually told me “It’s ok. Let me in.” And would remind me he is not my ex and not everyone out there is like my ex. After a while, I let my guard down more and let him in. For a while things were amazing. He bragged about me to his family and friends. Everyone knew about me. He was head over heels in love with me. I met his family and they loved me. I loved them all too! It was going so perfectly. I thought I had found The One. I thought wow, you exist!
    But…deep down inside I saw warning signs. I made a mental catalog of them and still went forward in the relationship, giving him the benefit of the doubt.
    At the time he was 33 years old, and living at home with mom and dad. He had moved back to this state after his marriage ended. It had been about 6 months since the divorce was finalized. (Of course, it was all her fault. He was the victim) I asked him if he was sure he was ready to be in a relationship, and of course he said he was. I figured, well…who am I to judge. I had to start over before too. I understood where he was at in life and trying to get on his feet. He’s also a combat veteran.
    Over several months, I saw the sweet, funny, charismatic person downspiral into depression. He was not having luck getting a job. He became moody. Like Jeckyl and Hyde. I tolerated it and encouraged him anyway. He spent a LOT of time at the bar, getting drunk, driving home drunk, showing up at my house in the middle of the night drunk, calling me for a ride, sleeping at a friends place. I had a problem with this. He knew it too, but kept on going out.
    We went on a hiking trip in the spring and that is where I saw the real him come out. He straight turned on me. It was UGLY! That was when he first called me a b*tch. That hurt. He said mean things and told me something he had done in the past so horrible that any normal person would RUN.
    When we got back home, we talked and talked for hours and smoothed everything over. And everything was perfect again. For a while
    But as the months went by he got meaner. He did get a job,a good job. but after 3 weeks he got fired. (It was their fault and his boss was intimidated by him) And still got drunk a lot. After the job loss, the downward spiral seemed to go faster and faster.
    He got more verbally abusive and physically aggressive with me. I called the cops on him and filed a report. You’d think that’d be a wake up call? Nope
    Everything was always MY fault. He never did any wrong. Never took responsibility for the things he said and how it affected me (or anyone for that matter).
    As time went by we were on and off. He always came back and I took him back…..hoping the man I had fallen for would come back. If he just got a job, things would be better. If he didn’t drink so much, things would be better.

    He attacked my physically, mentally, verbally, even attacked my faith (that’s a BIG no no).

    Fast forward to now. I see it. All of it. There’s so much more details that I don’t have the time to write about right now. But it’s all there. He lied all the time (didn’t think I noticed). He hated being questioned and was very evasive and secretive. Always blamed me and everyone else for his lot in life.

    It’s been almost 2 weeks no contact since I ended it. And oh man….it’s hell. Here I am AGAIN in the one place I swore I’d never be in. I’m embarrassed about it. I saw it all along, but I stayed because I hoped he’d change. I absolutely loved him. But the realization of who he really is hit me a few days ago. It all clicked. Doesn’t make it a whole lot easier to digest, but it helps. This website is soooo helpful. I hate that others have dealt and are dealing with this same thing. But it’s nice to know that there are others out there who understand what I’m dealing with.

    I’m going to talk to a professional about it. I have a lot more healing to do. And hopefully I can get this invisible sign above my head that says “easy target” to go away.

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