I love you!

The three words ‘I love you’ are meant to be special, intimate. To the sociopath ‘I love you’ means something entirely different.

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When you first meet the sociopath, he spends a lot of time, listening, reflecting, mirroring.

  • Listening to what you say (to discover what your needs and wants are)
  • Reflecting (Offering you back what you need and want)
  • Mirroring (mirroring your body language, repeating back to you what you are saying, ‘active’ listening skills)

Love is a really important game to the sociopath in dating. Without love the sociopath loses their power.

A sociopath will constantly say ‘I love you’….. what this actually means is ‘do you love me’…. he is constantly checking whether you love him. He needs you to love him, as when you do, you are rendered ‘weak’

You are fooled into thinking this is a genuine love connection. The sociopath mirrors all of the reactions that people do when they are genuinely in love.

  • Wants to spend all of their time with you
  • Appears interested in you and your interests
  • Appears to share similar interests, goals, and morals
  • Tells you constantly that they love you
  • Showers you with attention and flattery
  • Fakes that they will help you to fulfil your dreams
  • Is very helpful and useful

With this belief that you have met someone who seems so perfect for you, you feel safe to let down your guard, and fall subsequently in love with the sociopath.

If you have been in a relationship with a sociopath, you will notice that they constantly say ‘I love you’, this leads you to feel some sense of responsibility for the sociopath, and that you should love them back. This is part of the manipulation and control.

The sociopath constantly checks what you are feeling about them, and if you are in love with them. When you are in love, you are rendered ‘weak’. This is in reality how the sociopath sees you.

There is a saying ‘crazy in love’ and being in love, can be a temporary form of ‘madness’ where we can lose ourselves in the moment of ‘love’.

Love is  important to most humans, especially women. We all have the need to love, and to be loved.

The sociopath abuses this. This is what can leave victims feeling both confused, and lacking in belief that the person they are in love with is actually a sociopath after all your partner was so:

  • ‘Loving and caring’
  • Helpful
  • Focused on you (giving you the illusion that they were as into you as you were them’
  • Moralistic

The person behind the mask is rarely seen. If you imagine the Wizard of Oz….. you are lured in and left spell bound by what you see in front of the curtain….. but when Dorothy pulled back the curtain, she saw a very different person operating the machine.

This is exactly what the sociopath does. He uses LOVE and fakes love, to

  • Get you to fall in love
  • So that (if you are in love) you feel a responsibility for him, and are weak
  • Manipulate you

Because the sociopath has no conscience, he doesn’t care whether this causes you pain. The sociopath thrives to

  • Be in control
  • To win

Duping others, conning, and winning, obtaining what he wants by deception can give the ultimate high (see also sociopath’s dupers delight and the joy of conning someone). They suffer from boredom, and are not restricted by either

  • Moral compass, responsibility for anyone else
  • Emotions and feelings for anyone else except themselves

Whilst you are going headlong into the relationship with the sociopath, losing your head and falling in love, the sociopath will fake that he is in love. He will fake this so very well, that it will feel like a soul mate connection.

Why victims stay in the relationship with the sociopath

The reason why victims stay with the sociopath, is because of the poker effect. Once the mask begins to slip, the victim has fallen in love with the ‘illusion’ that the sociopath has sold to the victim. Everybody needs ‘closure’ but there can be no closure with the sociopath. You are in love with simply an illusion. The sociopath will give you back niceness, kindness, and fake love again, to lengthen his time with you. This is simply because the sociopath does not want to lose source for supply. This is all that you are to the sociopath, ‘a source for supply’.

This reminds me of the fairy tale of The Emperors New Clothes, where the Emperor is conned that his invisible clothes are made from silk and gold. He walks proudly in his new outfit, despite that he had doubts, he did not listen to himself. Allowed himself to listen to the swindlers, rather than his own intuition, his pride did not want to see the truth, until a child shouts from the crowd ‘that man is not wearing any clothes’

We are too often deluded in the search for love. We do not want it to be true, that we have met someone who has used us, and conned us, and that we were foolish to believe the lies that were told to us. That the lies opened our hearts, and we willingly let somebody use and abuse us. That nothing was true.

We do not want to appear foolish. We want what we have believed to be the truth. The sociopath can get further ‘dupers delight’, if the truth is uncovered, and he manages to convince you that he does actually ‘love you’, and you then stay for an extended period of time.

A sociopath cannot love in the traditional way that you are sold LOVE.  Love to the sociopath means three things:

  • Control
  • Ownership
  • Source for supply

The sociopath would never admit this to you. It can be so hurtful, that you do not want to admit this truth to yourself. The sociopath, when the truth starts to be uncovered, will continue to sell you the lie, and even go to further lengths to prove that his lies are true.

Your weakness, is not only that you are in love (which is why the sociopath constantly checks that you are in love with them), but also pride. Once you know the truth, and understand and accept this, that it is NOT you. That what you experienced was not real. You had simply been played as part of the biggest illusion on earth, you can start to let go.

To let go, you need to accept the truth, to establish no contact. To put into place a recovery plan.

See also http://datingasociopath.com/2013/03/15/how-to-recover-from-dating-a-sociopath/

and http://datingasociopath.com/2013/03/15/sociopath-and-establishing-no-contact/

The sociopath does not and cannot experience love. Unless love to you, means ownership and control?

Ownership and control, is sadly, not love.

Words copyright © datingasociopath.com 2013

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252 thoughts on “I love you!”

  1. he did do some bad things on me for revenge. but i almost preferred that to NO reaction, no reaction is the worst, thats really like he does not care, for example; a couple weeks ago i called into his house n he told some lies n left straight away leaving me with his family member.. he basically did not wanna c me, n i cut up all his clothes cause i was so angry with all these lies, but he did not react… i called in again few days ago n he was just cool n calm, he did say to me “why did u cut up my clothes” n starred at me for a minute n then just looked away n forgot about it like it never happened… Years ago if i dared to do something like that he would go CRAZY i dunno what he would have been capable of doing to me!!! (n i know i was wrong)

  2. @matt, youre right, not all sociopath are bad people. From the way your spoken, you sound like a rational person. However im just going about my experience. My post was not intended toward you. I didnt even know you was a sociopath till i finished my post.
    My ex was as sociopathic as they come. The 4 date she was telling me we were soul mates. Everything that is written about how a sociopath talk and behave, she behave and acts it to a t. But in the end of the day, shes not a bad person. She loves animals and have a good heart in her own ways..I realize now that it was the only way she knows how to live her life and thats being parasitic. I have nothing against sociopaths. We can coexist, but i would definately approach it differently next time, if i can spot them again…we happy to protect ourself better and this is what this blog is for, not neccesarily just to hate on sociopaths. In the end of the day we are all still humans, just in different ways.

  3. Ok this is very frustrating to read these comments. Sociopaths are “morons” and “idiots”? Actually, it is quite the opposite. If you understand a sociopath you’d know that they are very smart, and are always ahead of the game. That’s just how our brains are wired (or at least mine). Of course, if you are not a sociopath, or even slightly sociopathic, it is impossible for you to understand. Let me give you some insight. I am also very good at reading people, and no, I don’t control people. I control relationships or connections. Between me and someone, between two other people. I’ve been practicing this for years, since I was very little. It is the ONLY thing that can truly make me..I can’t find the word/feeling…umm..satisfied, I guess. My siblings, both older and younger, would be able to confirm how manipulating I am. If they were on the outside looking in. That’s another thing that I’m extremely adept at-looking at things from an outside perspective. I was so good at lying and being sneaky when I was younger that if I did something cruel to obe of my siblings, again-older or younger, I would get to my parents first and tell them a story, partially true. And to my surprise, they believed me. Even more to my surprise-my siblings also believed me. It’s like I twisted the truth in their head. And they did’t hold any resentment towards me, so I knew I successfully controlled them. It’s always been like that.
    Also, for the people saying that sociopaths cannot feel emotions, that is not true. I feel emotions, towards myself. I get sad when I don’t like something about myself. I have raging anger like a guy pumped with testosterone with anger issues haha. (I’m 19, female). And I noticed a long time ago that I don’t get angry with other people. The only time I am truly angry (breathing changes, can’t let it go, can’t just shut the feeling off), is when I’m angry with myself. I get a proud feeling even as I’m typing this.
    So before you act like you understand sociopaths, don’t post stuff like that. And maybe learn a thing or two, try to be more like us. (Not that I know anyone who thinks like me, just speaking for myself) We are superior and use your brain before you so desperately let your weak minded self fall in love.

      1. If that is all you took put of my response, point proven. Open your mind, it’s not difficult. The best way to describe it I guess would be…like I said, ahead of the game. Always thinking, acting, lying. Also, many websites I’ve been reading (not sure about this particular thread) have said that sociopaths don’t agree there is something wrong with them, although they know they are “different”. In my case, sort of fluctuates. I know I am different, I also realize how I effect other people and I don’t like it. I wish I could go to the best psychiatrist in the world to be able to actually fit in better, but on the other hand I don’t think there is a doctor good enough.
        I also believe, and find it hard for you not to, that there is a hierarchy of humans. There are people with more abilities than others and people are set into a sort of class.

  4. Ok this is very frustrating to read these comments. Sociopaths are “morons” and “idiots”? Actually, it is quite the opposite. If you understand a sociopath you’d know that they are very smart, and are always ahead of the game. That’s just how our brains are wired (or at least mine). Of course, if you are not a sociopath, or even slightly sociopathic, it is impossible for you to understand. Let me give you some insight. I am also very good at reading people, and no, I don’t control people. I control relationships or connections. Between me and someone, between two other people. I’ve been practicing this for years, since I was very little. It is the ONLY thing that can truly make me..I can’t find the word/feeling…umm..satisfied, I guess. My siblings, both older and younger, would be able to confirm how manipulating I am. If they were on the outside looking in. That’s another thing that I’m extremely adept at-looking at things from an outside perspective. I was so good at lying and being sneaky when I was younger that if I did something cruel to obe of my siblings, again-older or younger, I would get to my parents first and tell them a story, partially true. And to my surprise, they believed me. Even more to my surprise-my siblings also believed me. It’s like I twisted the truth in their head. And they did’t hold any resentment towards me, so I knew I successfully controlled them. It’s always been like that.
    Also, for the people saying that sociopaths cannot feel emotions, that is not true. I feel emotions, towards myself. I get sad when I don’t like something about myself. I have raging anger like a guy pumped with testosterone with anger issues haha. (I’m 19, female). And I noticed a long time ago that I don’t get angry with other people. The only time I am truly angry (breathing changes, can’t let it go, can’t just shut the feeling off), is when I’m angry with myself. I get a proud feeling even as I’m typing this.
    So before you act like you understand sociopaths, don’t post stuff like that. And maybe learn a thing or two, try to be more like us. (Not that I know anyone who thinks like me, just speaking for myself) We are superior and use your brain before you so desperately let your weak minded self fall in love.

    1. I have recently came to the conclusion that I’m about to marry a sociopath, which regardless of anything is the love of my life. How do I make this relationship work we have been together over two years and we just recently started arguing and it is extremely irritating bc we have always had an amazing relationship

      1. Becky what makes you think that this person is a sociopath? If this person was….. lies, manipulation, deceit, games, just crazy behaviour, control, ownership, would have been going on for the last 2 years?

      2. I’m married to a sociopath. the first year with him was heaven. the second was painful. the third was hell. now i have met a man with real emotions, and i’m getting a divorce and i will never look back. there were red flags that first year. many. but i ignored them because i had never been so in love, so perfectly fit with someone… believe me, every moment spent loving a sociopath is a great risk. eventually he drained me of every penny i had, because he ‘needed it’ he was desperate, he would be evicted, he was crying, very ‘emotional’… the minute he got the money he acted like it never happened. he never paid back a dime, he practically laughed in my face. and then he’d do it again. i’m a true empath, their greatest prey… i would have given him the clothes off my back. its how i was raised. its love to me. believe me, if you can really love, you will be very hurt by someone who can not. eventually i found out about all the women he met online. it became the worst nightmare of my life. i feel blessed that found a man who helped me escape my fate. along with my husband’s sister who begged me to leave for my own safety, and sacrificed her own relationships in her her family to save me. i’m so sorry to tell you this, but i’m so happy someone told me… this isn’t a winning battle. the fights will get worse the more he knows you need him and love him and won’t leave him. he will become cruel, then beyond loving, then cruel again in a heartbeat. he will look you in the eye, smile warmly, and tell you lies. he will hide everything from you. he will know exactly what to say to you to keep you hungry for his unique love that no one else can provide, and he will do things you despise behind your back without a moment’s concern. whether you stay or not, or forever how long you stay, you must be aware that you are not sharing the same experience he is. he can not reciprocate the purity of your love. he can only reflect it back to you as you most want to see it. he might even feel love of his own variety, i’m quite sure my husband was very in love with me. for him. it did not stop him from lying, cheating, and stealing my savings. be smart, be safe, stay informed, stay strong. please.

  5. I think this take has true values and some statements i find true but i also believe the woman writing it is a sociopath herself looking for her covered escape.. sociapaths are not only men. The cleverest ones are women and personally i believe 70% of the makeup wearing cheating blaim it on the guy type sociapaths out there are so intuned and intelligent enough to see their own ploys they get away with writing things like this and it helps them with their next victim. I do not see innocence here morely i see vindictiveness.

  6. I’ve accidentally stumbled across this post and wished to write a comment as I was curious to what kind of reaction or response I’ll get out of it.
    This article is mostly directed to sociopaths, but society tends to cope psychopaths such as myself along with them, so I’ll give my own point of view on the subject.

    I mostly mimick facial expressions and reactions of other people, as I am generally an empty pit of emotions. I tend to react automatically to outside impulses in a specific, desirable way, but the emptiness never leaves me (even when I’m crying on the outside). Nevertheless, I do care about myself and make sure that people see me as they wish to see me.
    What I wish to ask you is; do you think that just because I do not feel I am not worthy to establish general human goals like starting a relationship or building a family of my own? Aren’t you being the insensible and cruel ones when looking at it from this perspective?
    What I do I am aware of, but I can’t do anything about it if I don’t feel. I cannot magically transfer “human emotions” onto myself, nor can I take a drug that would help me do so. I was born that way.
    Unfortunately, being different from the mass has always been frowned upon, which is why I am trying to satisfy society and bring some satisfaction to my own self as well by educating myself as much as I can (personally, I must tell you being knowledgable in many educational fields brought me a lot of satisfaction, it’s like a fresh meal to my soul), doing my job right and in a far future, probably even getting married and have children.
    So tell me, what is wrong with that? Do I really deserve to die alone and in misery because of my deficiency of feeling real emotions or remorse? And don’t respond to me saying, “You are trying to manipulate me and everyone else who reads this.” I am not. I am a very calm and rational person, who is currently typing their own peace of mind on a subject. I have simply no need to lie about it.

    When you try to criticize someone’s inner psychological state, I’d invite you to see things from their own point of view before victimizing yourself and blaming everything on them. I understand you have gone through your own stressful times, but you need to understand that we are who we are. No therapy will be ever able to change us because there’s no cure to how we were born and how society molded us.

    I hope my comment has given you all a little more insight to our way of thinking.

    Out of politeness, I will thank you for taking your time reading this.

  7. Wow. This is a great little site you have here! I’ve only recently faced brutality against myself for what I am, and in my effort to understand it I came across this. Plenty of other threads had many people who claim to be sociopathic but any true sociopath can see through it instantly. Here, though, has attracted many people who have successfully put into words how we view things.
    I believe we do possess an ability to see things more clearly and think more rationally because we aren’t clouded by emotions. Having been raised in a loving household and taught sound morals I do my very best to avoid hurting anyone. My relationships have always been mutually beneficial, I determine that I am ‘friends’ or ‘in love’ with someone when they offer me something I want and I can return the favor. This is only possible by remaining distant unfortunately, as someone said earlier we get lonely. It’s also understandable why a person with a ‘normally’ functioning brain would fear us. As with anyone else sociopaths have unique personalities, there are plenty that will leave you devastated and not mind; Then there are many, like ones posting here, that are researching you to understand the other side of things so they can adapt. That is one thing we do very well, learn and adapt.

  8. @positivagirl,
    Is that wrong to be ok with that? I understand his and no matter what I love him. He is good for me and I know I’m good for him. He honestly balances me out. Regardless, he is my best friend and the love of my live.

    1. The concern that I would have is that you say that you know who he is, but he doesn’t?

      Isn’t that a worry? If he cannot see it, and doesn’t perceive it as a problem? I guess if you don’t want to change him, and are happy with him the way that he is, just expect though to have your own personal identity eroded, and to become well – his. This might be endering at first, but as your life grows smaller and smaller – is it really?

  9. Hi there, I want to chime in. I’m not necessarily defending sociopath s as I was in a relationship with one and she caused a lot of heart ache and disruptions in my life. But to be fair, in what realationships are equal? Even among most relationships with regular “beings”, there are plenty of in equalities…its really how much u love this person and how much you’re willing to put up with their defects. Otherwise equal relationships are far and in between, Not just with sociopaths. Trust me I been in plenty of relationships and there are just some people with dominating personalities that u either deal with or you get out.

    1. I kind of agree with you Jimmy. One in my life, can be drama – sometimes, although not as much as in that first year, sometimes it can be bad. But – i have experienced bad from non sociopaths too. Its the control element that is the problem, as it restricts your own personal growth. That said though, I think it is rare to find a partnership that is perfect. It is about what you can put up with. Or, more importantly – how you feel about yourself when with that person.

      1. I’m married to a sociopath. the first year with him was heaven. the second was painful. the third was hell. now i have met a man with real emotions, and i’m getting a divorce and i will never look back. there were red flags that first year. many. but i ignored them because i had never been so in love, so perfectly fit with someone… believe me, every moment spent loving a sociopath is a great risk. eventually he drained me of every penny i had, because he ‘needed it’ he was desperate, he would be evicted, he was crying, very ‘emotional’… the minute he got the money he acted like it never happened. he never paid back a dime, he practically laughed in my face. and then he’d do it again. i’m a true empath, their greatest prey… i would have given him the clothes off my back. its how i was raised. its love to me. believe me, if you can really love, you will be very hurt by someone who can not. eventually i found out about all the women he met online. it became the worst nightmare of my life. i feel blessed that found a man who helped me escape my fate. along with my husband’s sister who begged me to leave for my own safety, and sacrificed her own relationships in her her family to save me. i’m so sorry to tell you this, but i’m so happy someone told me… this isn’t a winning battle. the fights will get worse the more he knows you need him and love him and won’t leave him. he will become cruel, then beyond loving, then cruel again in a heartbeat. he will look you in the eye, smile warmly, and tell you lies. he will hide everything from you. he will know exactly what to say to you to keep you hungry for his unique love that no one else can provide, and he will do things you despise behind your back without a moment’s concern. whether you stay or not, or forever how long you stay, you must be aware that you are not sharing the same experience he is. he can not reciprocate the purity of your love. he can only reflect it back to you as you most want to see it. he might even feel love of his own variety, i’m quite sure my husband was very in love with me. for him. it did not stop him from lying, cheating, and stealing my savings. be smart, be safe, stay informed, stay strong. please.

  10. @positivagirl,
    It’s not bad control, more like dominant. He does not time me if I’m gone or blow my phone up when I come home late. He is very supportive with my needs and goals so he does not keep me from doing what I want or make it impossible for my life to move forward. I think that’s one thing that highly attracts me to him is that I’m very independent and I have goals with school. I am working all the way towards my doctorates and he is very involved with my success. What I mean by controlling is that he tells me I am his and he doesn’t allow me to wear certain cloths expecially if he is not with me. I have to grow my hair out because he wants it long. I have to keep my nails done and feet done. I cant lose a certain amount of weight because he dont like that. I cannot have attitude towards him. He is very dominating when it comes to our intimate life.

    1. How does that level of control make you feel about you Beckysue?

      Does it make you feel good, inspired? Does it make you feel alive, special or does it make you feel owned. A possession. You say that you want to marry him, do you want children? What do you think would happen if you were to get pregnant, and put on weight? As you would in pregnancy? What if you didn’t lose the weight afterwards?

      Remember marriage – and children – you would almost certainly be owned then. What concerns me about what you write, is that you say that he isn’t aware of his issues…. but you are.

  11. I read this post, and finally got a breathe of fresh air. For a long time now I’ve identified myself by seriously researching myself, studying myself, and studying others. Characteristics I’ve seen on this page apply very directly to me, so I think I’m in the right place right now.

    We sociopaths can’t help it, because we’re attuned to our surroundings very much. In any social gathering we’re constantly studying everything and everyone else, and I feel this is a sure reason why we’re so sharp at detecting situations and things.
    My relationships have all been about control. I allow all the independence, so as not to get too sucked in, but the number one high I get is my partner knowing she belongs to me. Infact the more the acknowledgement of this, the higher I get. And really, the more addicted I get to her. Which is ironical, since I usually strive to remain distant a bit.
    I’m a confirmed sociopath. Been searching for closure from this for many years. Control is everything to me, even though it’s very different from the way most people see this, especially in the fact that sociopaths have excellent control of themselves and are hardly ever violent. Yes, I have the ability to move on without remorse, or be numb to most emotions. But I feel too most times.

    About being higher beings, I’ve thought about this too. And I know this to be true, because while everyone else’s having a good time I’m just scheming and calculating and thinking and projecting. It’s very tasking to have a very evolved brain.
    A social vampire can be another term, since I love dark places and, obviously, the manipulative effects.
    This is just me. Everyone accepts who they are, I’m just doing same. Whoever made this thread, thank you very much.

      1. XD I don’t think sociopaths are better than normal people necessarily but I think that there are pros and cons both ways, sociopaths just don’t give a crap but are very controlling and everyone else just has too much emotion. I prefer never being sad although I do wonder what most emotions would “feel” like. The only thing I sort of hate about being a sociopath is the pathological lying, it’s not even conscious, I don’t think “hey I’m going to lie right about now!” But in the end I’d rather be sort of cold and emotionless than break down crying over a death of some family member…

      2. True it isn’t a good thing, but how is it a sociopaths fault for not feeling guilt? Our brain just doesn’t function exactly the same as yours and even most sociopaths have completely different ideals. Just saying (and don’t take this as a lame excuse or anything) but can you really blame someone for being born the way they are? From their side they will never experience things like “love exactly how it’s “meant” to be experienced, they will also treat it a different way as it has a different meaning to them. Not saying it’s bad to be wary but you know… Not everyone is “bad” by will if you get my drift XD

      3. I get this andrew, but its the pain that sociopaths inflict on people who often have done nothing to them but love them. You might be born that way, but you still have the choice. You are opportunists and cannot resist…. Even if it hurts someone else. Thats the point. Its all about you. Its always all about you.

      4. I don’t necessarily mean evil, or devil, no not at all. I meant just dark rooms, or like clubs, don’t like much bright light you know. This is referring to the term I coined, social vampire lol. But then again, it’s just personal.

  12. The thing is though beck is that it is cyclical. Yes it gets better but then it gets worse again. Control can be a nightmare and a bit of a battle. It’s a constant game that will take all of your energy. For some that doesn’t matter….It means you are his possession, not an equal partner.

  13. sorry i meant to write the reply to your earlier post to Beckysue, just ignore that it wasn’t meant for you. this, what you say here, is spot on.

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