I love you!

The three words ‘I love you’ are meant to be special, intimate. To the sociopath ‘I love you’ means something entirely different.

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When you first meet the sociopath, he spends a lot of time, listening, reflecting, mirroring.

  • Listening to what you say (to discover what your needs and wants are)
  • Reflecting (Offering you back what you need and want)
  • Mirroring (mirroring your body language, repeating back to you what you are saying, ‘active’ listening skills)

Love is a really important game to the sociopath in dating. Without love the sociopath loses their power.

A sociopath will constantly say ‘I love you’….. what this actually means is ‘do you love me’…. he is constantly checking whether you love him. He needs you to love him, as when you do, you are rendered ‘weak’

You are fooled into thinking this is a genuine love connection. The sociopath mirrors all of the reactions that people do when they are genuinely in love.

  • Wants to spend all of their time with you
  • Appears interested in you and your interests
  • Appears to share similar interests, goals, and morals
  • Tells you constantly that they love you
  • Showers you with attention and flattery
  • Fakes that they will help you to fulfil your dreams
  • Is very helpful and useful

With this belief that you have met someone who seems so perfect for you, you feel safe to let down your guard, and fall subsequently in love with the sociopath.

If you have been in a relationship with a sociopath, you will notice that they constantly say ‘I love you’, this leads you to feel some sense of responsibility for the sociopath, and that you should love them back. This is part of the manipulation and control.

The sociopath constantly checks what you are feeling about them, and if you are in love with them. When you are in love, you are rendered ‘weak’. This is in reality how the sociopath sees you.

There is a saying ‘crazy in love’ and being in love, can be a temporary form of ‘madness’ where we can lose ourselves in the moment of ‘love’.

Love is  important to most humans, especially women. We all have the need to love, and to be loved.

The sociopath abuses this. This is what can leave victims feeling both confused, and lacking in belief that the person they are in love with is actually a sociopath after all your partner was so:

  • ‘Loving and caring’
  • Helpful
  • Focused on you (giving you the illusion that they were as into you as you were them’
  • Moralistic

The person behind the mask is rarely seen. If you imagine the Wizard of Oz….. you are lured in and left spell bound by what you see in front of the curtain….. but when Dorothy pulled back the curtain, she saw a very different person operating the machine.

This is exactly what the sociopath does. He uses LOVE and fakes love, to

  • Get you to fall in love
  • So that (if you are in love) you feel a responsibility for him, and are weak
  • Manipulate you

Because the sociopath has no conscience, he doesn’t care whether this causes you pain. The sociopath thrives to

  • Be in control
  • To win

Duping others, conning, and winning, obtaining what he wants by deception can give the ultimate high (see also sociopath’s dupers delight and the joy of conning someone). They suffer from boredom, and are not restricted by either

  • Moral compass, responsibility for anyone else
  • Emotions and feelings for anyone else except themselves

Whilst you are going headlong into the relationship with the sociopath, losing your head and falling in love, the sociopath will fake that he is in love. He will fake this so very well, that it will feel like a soul mate connection.

Why victims stay in the relationship with the sociopath

The reason why victims stay with the sociopath, is because of the poker effect. Once the mask begins to slip, the victim has fallen in love with the ‘illusion’ that the sociopath has sold to the victim. Everybody needs ‘closure’ but there can be no closure with the sociopath. You are in love with simply an illusion. The sociopath will give you back niceness, kindness, and fake love again, to lengthen his time with you. This is simply because the sociopath does not want to lose source for supply. This is all that you are to the sociopath, ‘a source for supply’.

This reminds me of the fairy tale of The Emperors New Clothes, where the Emperor is conned that his invisible clothes are made from silk and gold. He walks proudly in his new outfit, despite that he had doubts, he did not listen to himself. Allowed himself to listen to the swindlers, rather than his own intuition, his pride did not want to see the truth, until a child shouts from the crowd ‘that man is not wearing any clothes’

We are too often deluded in the search for love. We do not want it to be true, that we have met someone who has used us, and conned us, and that we were foolish to believe the lies that were told to us. That the lies opened our hearts, and we willingly let somebody use and abuse us. That nothing was true.

We do not want to appear foolish. We want what we have believed to be the truth. The sociopath can get further ‘dupers delight’, if the truth is uncovered, and he manages to convince you that he does actually ‘love you’, and you then stay for an extended period of time.

A sociopath cannot love in the traditional way that you are sold LOVE.  Love to the sociopath means three things:

  • Control
  • Ownership
  • Source for supply

The sociopath would never admit this to you. It can be so hurtful, that you do not want to admit this truth to yourself. The sociopath, when the truth starts to be uncovered, will continue to sell you the lie, and even go to further lengths to prove that his lies are true.

Your weakness, is not only that you are in love (which is why the sociopath constantly checks that you are in love with them), but also pride. Once you know the truth, and understand and accept this, that it is NOT you. That what you experienced was not real. You had simply been played as part of the biggest illusion on earth, you can start to let go.

To let go, you need to accept the truth, to establish no contact. To put into place a recovery plan.

See also How to heal and recover from dating a sociopath

and The No Contact Rule

The sociopath does not and cannot experience love. Unless love to you, means ownership and control?

Ownership and control, is sadly, not love.

Words copyright © datingasociopath.com 2013

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283 thoughts on “I love you!”

  1. he did do some bad things on me for revenge. but i almost preferred that to NO reaction, no reaction is the worst, thats really like he does not care, for example; a couple weeks ago i called into his house n he told some lies n left straight away leaving me with his family member.. he basically did not wanna c me, n i cut up all his clothes cause i was so angry with all these lies, but he did not react… i called in again few days ago n he was just cool n calm, he did say to me “why did u cut up my clothes” n starred at me for a minute n then just looked away n forgot about it like it never happened… Years ago if i dared to do something like that he would go CRAZY i dunno what he would have been capable of doing to me!!! (n i know i was wrong)

  2. @matt, youre right, not all sociopath are bad people. From the way your spoken, you sound like a rational person. However im just going about my experience. My post was not intended toward you. I didnt even know you was a sociopath till i finished my post.
    My ex was as sociopathic as they come. The 4 date she was telling me we were soul mates. Everything that is written about how a sociopath talk and behave, she behave and acts it to a t. But in the end of the day, shes not a bad person. She loves animals and have a good heart in her own ways..I realize now that it was the only way she knows how to live her life and thats being parasitic. I have nothing against sociopaths. We can coexist, but i would definately approach it differently next time, if i can spot them again…we happy to protect ourself better and this is what this blog is for, not neccesarily just to hate on sociopaths. In the end of the day we are all still humans, just in different ways.

    1. If you dont care about others, and dont care agbout using them, abusing them, hurting them. then yes, I think that makes you a bad person.

  3. Ok this is very frustrating to read these comments. Sociopaths are “morons” and “idiots”? Actually, it is quite the opposite. If you understand a sociopath you’d know that they are very smart, and are always ahead of the game. That’s just how our brains are wired (or at least mine). Of course, if you are not a sociopath, or even slightly sociopathic, it is impossible for you to understand. Let me give you some insight. I am also very good at reading people, and no, I don’t control people. I control relationships or connections. Between me and someone, between two other people. I’ve been practicing this for years, since I was very little. It is the ONLY thing that can truly make me..I can’t find the word/feeling…umm..satisfied, I guess. My siblings, both older and younger, would be able to confirm how manipulating I am. If they were on the outside looking in. That’s another thing that I’m extremely adept at-looking at things from an outside perspective. I was so good at lying and being sneaky when I was younger that if I did something cruel to obe of my siblings, again-older or younger, I would get to my parents first and tell them a story, partially true. And to my surprise, they believed me. Even more to my surprise-my siblings also believed me. It’s like I twisted the truth in their head. And they did’t hold any resentment towards me, so I knew I successfully controlled them. It’s always been like that.
    Also, for the people saying that sociopaths cannot feel emotions, that is not true. I feel emotions, towards myself. I get sad when I don’t like something about myself. I have raging anger like a guy pumped with testosterone with anger issues haha. (I’m 19, female). And I noticed a long time ago that I don’t get angry with other people. The only time I am truly angry (breathing changes, can’t let it go, can’t just shut the feeling off), is when I’m angry with myself. I get a proud feeling even as I’m typing this.
    So before you act like you understand sociopaths, don’t post stuff like that. And maybe learn a thing or two, try to be more like us. (Not that I know anyone who thinks like me, just speaking for myself) We are superior and use your brain before you so desperately let your weak minded self fall in love.

      1. If that is all you took put of my response, point proven. Open your mind, it’s not difficult. The best way to describe it I guess would be…like I said, ahead of the game. Always thinking, acting, lying. Also, many websites I’ve been reading (not sure about this particular thread) have said that sociopaths don’t agree there is something wrong with them, although they know they are “different”. In my case, sort of fluctuates. I know I am different, I also realize how I effect other people and I don’t like it. I wish I could go to the best psychiatrist in the world to be able to actually fit in better, but on the other hand I don’t think there is a doctor good enough.
        I also believe, and find it hard for you not to, that there is a hierarchy of humans. There are people with more abilities than others and people are set into a sort of class.

      2. pg, don’t bother trying to reason with a sociopath…they like to believe they’re superior….their arrogance is proof of just how weak they know they are…they also fail to understand that arrogance is nothing more than a mask for extreme insecurity, and the failure to understand that illustrates a lack of familiarity with even the most rudimentary psychology. Let’s be honest, sociopaths want to control others because they were powerless over their abusers when they were children and fear that it could happen again if they drop their guard. They go around bragging about how superior they are because they know what they lack. Their greatest fear is that we will see what they lack, too, and their inferiority will be revealed for everyone to see and it will socially ruin them. Think about it. Have you ever heard someone say they wish they’d been born a sociopath? Have you ever heard someone say they wish they’d been abused and neglected more as a child so they could now be a sociopath? Of course not. We pity them and they resent it and us.

      3. @Paul Kress
        Well sorry to burst your bubble and I don’t think I’m 100% different from the majority, I don’t think that I am “superior” nor am I going to say you are wrong and because you don’t agree with me your point is invalid… Not all sociopaths are unreasonable although cold and somewhat emotionless I ask you “nicely” to rethink your view and realise that whatever happened to you, you got the raw end of the deal unlucky I know… But everyone has hard times so try and work with them find a way out of them, deal with them move on and forget it ever happened. Kind of a long sentence but who cares? :P just do what you enjoy doing, relationships can be a pain (no one shares my view in this sort of stuff, probably cause you know XD) learn a lesson and take away that you don’t like self righteous pricks who are overconfident have some sort of anger issue and will screw your mind over for the simplest of things.. And again judge someone on their desisions not on their lies, you cannot put yourself in another’s shoes. That’s empathy right? One of the many emotions I actually just don’t have, I can’t remember off the top of my head but whatever the part of the brain is that controls emotions, mine is smaller not sure if every sociopath has this problem but, we didn’t choose this, but imagine a world where barely anything makes you sad? Pretty fun :P

      4. You say imagine a world where nothing makes you sad? ….. I say that sometimes we need the sadness to appreciate the joy – true joy that comes into our lives. I don’t think to not experience sadness is good, as if you can’t experience sadness, well can you experience happiness? …… probably not. Which is why you get bored, and have to play other people. Other people are too busy getting on with their lives, and being happy. While you just go around and around in circles. Using other people for fun and entertainment. I find that sad. Sometimes sadness can be good….. Like when your heart goes out to someone – and you feel it and connect with that person. I think the way that you have to live your life, must be like living in a world that is black and white. With little colour. That to me, would be quite dull. I think the ability to love and feel, is a good thing, even if sometimes it brings you pain – I don’t think its an advantage not to feel.

    1. Evil does not equate to superiority. You remind me of a serial killer who revels in their ability to target decent unsuspecting people. The only reason you are able to control and manipulate people is because folks with the capacity for empathy and remorse cannot wrap their mind around the fact that there are “creatures ( like yourself) that do not have this capacity. You are missing the piece that separate our species from predatory animals. Without a conscience you are not human and somehow I can’t imagine how being no better than a predatory animal makes you superior to folks with the capacity to Love and be loved … dismiss yourself with malice the is no place for you here.

      1. A serial killer? Not human? I mean the next thing you’re going to be saying is “Hey come on over to Scientology!” and yes “Evil does not equate to superiority” that’s about the only correct thing you said….
        The capacity to love does not make on human, having a conscience, empathy, sympathy or other deep feelings does not make a person human. Then again not all sociopaths don’t feel sympathy and the likes at all, just to a somewhat lower level. Not every sociopath is as messed up as the other one. Sure we are messed up, don’t date us if you don’t want to. Maybe your “folks” need to wisen up a bit? (Oh and on a side note we could be considered predatory animals, that is the whole human race. We kill and eat other animals, thus making us predators.)

  4. Ok this is very frustrating to read these comments. Sociopaths are “morons” and “idiots”? Actually, it is quite the opposite. If you understand a sociopath you’d know that they are very smart, and are always ahead of the game. That’s just how our brains are wired (or at least mine). Of course, if you are not a sociopath, or even slightly sociopathic, it is impossible for you to understand. Let me give you some insight. I am also very good at reading people, and no, I don’t control people. I control relationships or connections. Between me and someone, between two other people. I’ve been practicing this for years, since I was very little. It is the ONLY thing that can truly make me..I can’t find the word/feeling…umm..satisfied, I guess. My siblings, both older and younger, would be able to confirm how manipulating I am. If they were on the outside looking in. That’s another thing that I’m extremely adept at-looking at things from an outside perspective. I was so good at lying and being sneaky when I was younger that if I did something cruel to obe of my siblings, again-older or younger, I would get to my parents first and tell them a story, partially true. And to my surprise, they believed me. Even more to my surprise-my siblings also believed me. It’s like I twisted the truth in their head. And they did’t hold any resentment towards me, so I knew I successfully controlled them. It’s always been like that.
    Also, for the people saying that sociopaths cannot feel emotions, that is not true. I feel emotions, towards myself. I get sad when I don’t like something about myself. I have raging anger like a guy pumped with testosterone with anger issues haha. (I’m 19, female). And I noticed a long time ago that I don’t get angry with other people. The only time I am truly angry (breathing changes, can’t let it go, can’t just shut the feeling off), is when I’m angry with myself. I get a proud feeling even as I’m typing this.
    So before you act like you understand sociopaths, don’t post stuff like that. And maybe learn a thing or two, try to be more like us. (Not that I know anyone who thinks like me, just speaking for myself) We are superior and use your brain before you so desperately let your weak minded self fall in love.

    1. I have recently came to the conclusion that I’m about to marry a sociopath, which regardless of anything is the love of my life. How do I make this relationship work we have been together over two years and we just recently started arguing and it is extremely irritating bc we have always had an amazing relationship

      1. Becky what makes you think that this person is a sociopath? If this person was….. lies, manipulation, deceit, games, just crazy behaviour, control, ownership, would have been going on for the last 2 years?

      2. I’m married to a sociopath. the first year with him was heaven. the second was painful. the third was hell. now i have met a man with real emotions, and i’m getting a divorce and i will never look back. there were red flags that first year. many. but i ignored them because i had never been so in love, so perfectly fit with someone… believe me, every moment spent loving a sociopath is a great risk. eventually he drained me of every penny i had, because he ‘needed it’ he was desperate, he would be evicted, he was crying, very ‘emotional’… the minute he got the money he acted like it never happened. he never paid back a dime, he practically laughed in my face. and then he’d do it again. i’m a true empath, their greatest prey… i would have given him the clothes off my back. its how i was raised. its love to me. believe me, if you can really love, you will be very hurt by someone who can not. eventually i found out about all the women he met online. it became the worst nightmare of my life. i feel blessed that found a man who helped me escape my fate. along with my husband’s sister who begged me to leave for my own safety, and sacrificed her own relationships in her her family to save me. i’m so sorry to tell you this, but i’m so happy someone told me… this isn’t a winning battle. the fights will get worse the more he knows you need him and love him and won’t leave him. he will become cruel, then beyond loving, then cruel again in a heartbeat. he will look you in the eye, smile warmly, and tell you lies. he will hide everything from you. he will know exactly what to say to you to keep you hungry for his unique love that no one else can provide, and he will do things you despise behind your back without a moment’s concern. whether you stay or not, or forever how long you stay, you must be aware that you are not sharing the same experience he is. he can not reciprocate the purity of your love. he can only reflect it back to you as you most want to see it. he might even feel love of his own variety, i’m quite sure my husband was very in love with me. for him. it did not stop him from lying, cheating, and stealing my savings. be smart, be safe, stay informed, stay strong. please.

      3. BeckySue, if you think it’s bad now, just wait until you’re married. Once he truly “owns” you…which is how he sees marriage…you’ll really see the true sociopath begin to emerge. Right now, you’re so busy with your head buried in academia, and have been focused on that the entire time you’ve been with him, that when you pull your head out of the journals and see him for who he is, you are going to wonder how someone with so many years of education failed to do her due diligence on sociopathy and AsPD. You might want to go talk to someone in the Psych department, or contact Sandra L. Brown, preferably before you sign that marriage certificate.

      4. I sincerely hope you extend your engagement! It is the least you could do. As “commitment time” approaches, the real sociopath will come out from behind the mask….and even more so once you say, “I do!”

    2. I am not naive. But it does sadden me that there are people that take pride in hurting and manipulating others. Even when the person they are hurting, is the same person that would kill for (the sociopath).

  5. I think this take has true values and some statements i find true but i also believe the woman writing it is a sociopath herself looking for her covered escape.. sociapaths are not only men. The cleverest ones are women and personally i believe 70% of the makeup wearing cheating blaim it on the guy type sociapaths out there are so intuned and intelligent enough to see their own ploys they get away with writing things like this and it helps them with their next victim. I do not see innocence here morely i see vindictiveness.

  6. I’ve accidentally stumbled across this post and wished to write a comment as I was curious to what kind of reaction or response I’ll get out of it.
    This article is mostly directed to sociopaths, but society tends to cope psychopaths such as myself along with them, so I’ll give my own point of view on the subject.

    I mostly mimick facial expressions and reactions of other people, as I am generally an empty pit of emotions. I tend to react automatically to outside impulses in a specific, desirable way, but the emptiness never leaves me (even when I’m crying on the outside). Nevertheless, I do care about myself and make sure that people see me as they wish to see me.
    What I wish to ask you is; do you think that just because I do not feel I am not worthy to establish general human goals like starting a relationship or building a family of my own? Aren’t you being the insensible and cruel ones when looking at it from this perspective?
    What I do I am aware of, but I can’t do anything about it if I don’t feel. I cannot magically transfer “human emotions” onto myself, nor can I take a drug that would help me do so. I was born that way.
    Unfortunately, being different from the mass has always been frowned upon, which is why I am trying to satisfy society and bring some satisfaction to my own self as well by educating myself as much as I can (personally, I must tell you being knowledgable in many educational fields brought me a lot of satisfaction, it’s like a fresh meal to my soul), doing my job right and in a far future, probably even getting married and have children.
    So tell me, what is wrong with that? Do I really deserve to die alone and in misery because of my deficiency of feeling real emotions or remorse? And don’t respond to me saying, “You are trying to manipulate me and everyone else who reads this.” I am not. I am a very calm and rational person, who is currently typing their own peace of mind on a subject. I have simply no need to lie about it.

    When you try to criticize someone’s inner psychological state, I’d invite you to see things from their own point of view before victimizing yourself and blaming everything on them. I understand you have gone through your own stressful times, but you need to understand that we are who we are. No therapy will be ever able to change us because there’s no cure to how we were born and how society molded us.

    I hope my comment has given you all a little more insight to our way of thinking.

    Out of politeness, I will thank you for taking your time reading this.

    1. Neurotypicals don’t hate psychopaths or sociopaths, we hate how most of you behave. You already understand that, so don’t pretend this is new information for you. You’re not stupid or naive. You can pretend to be neurotypical if that suits you, but the emptiness you mention will never go away for you, or at least not until they perfect using stem cells to repair the deficits in your prefrontal cortex and temporal poles. Even then, it will take time to develop empathy for others (like it does in children who are wildy selfish and self-serving until they begin to develop it) and then it will take more time to develop any meaningful emotional connections or relationships with others, That may or may not happen during your lifetime. This may not be fair, but it is fact.

      What possible benefit could there be to you to start a family of your own? You would have all the financial responsibility, all the demands on your time and energy, but you are incapable of experiencing ANY of the joy or love that offsets the enormous investment of resources you’d be required to make. That is completely illogical. Do you think raising children is fun? It is the most challenging, demanding, thankless, life-long job and a psychopath is unable to reap any of the joy, love, or emotional connection. It will not fill your empty pit. Are you paying attention or listening to the complaints of people who have children? If so, where do you see an upside for you in it? There isn’t one.

      Of all people, you should be keenly aware of what you lack. You should also possess the intelligence to understand what a child needs in order to develop into a healthy, normative adult. Although it’s difficult to impossible for you to care, your knowledge and intellect should make you aware that you are likely to pass on the same neurodeficits genetically. Should your offspring win the genetic game of roulette you wish to play, there is a chance your offspring may be born neurotypical. Unfortunately, your innate inability to nurture or care about the child’s well-being will cause an epigenetic event (or, more likely, a series of them) that will turn on undesirable biological markers that can, and likely will, result in the child turning into a psychologically disordered person. This is how children who are born neurotypical become secondary psychopaths or sociopaths, and develop character disorders like Borderline Personality Disorders, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Paranoid Personality Disorder, and when a psychopathic parent is in the home where a child is raised, that child will develop comorbid personality disorders, not to mention PTSD or c-PTSD, etc. Do a google search for those studies on epigenetics and what occurs in the off-spring of non-nurturing mothers if you’re interested in the minutiae. What do you think your life and home is going to be like when raising a child with BPD or BPD comorbid with AsPD? One of you won’t survive it.

      Along with your complete inability to nurture and foster the emotional health and psychological well-being of your offspring, you are also incapable of modeling the behavior that will help a child learn to develop empathy for others. Don’t confuse what I’m saying. I know you are capable of FAKING empathy, but that’s vastly different than modeling true empathy, it’s not even close. Thus, the projected outcome for any child you have is less than favorable. So, unless you plan on handing off your progeny to someone else to raise from birth to age 25, the best outcome you can hope for is likely a child with AsPD or BPD. Factor in your psychological abuse (which you cannot control) and the physical and sexual abuse of children that is effortless for most psychopaths (as well as failing to protect your child from abuse by others), will have an even more highly undesirable outcome. I’m not speaking to your morality here, because I’m aware you don’t possess morality. If you did, you wouldn’t consider having a child. I’m speaking to your logic. A child will only severely drain your resources and bring you none of the joy that neurotypical are capable of experiencing. Further, if you’re thinking of having a child to physically and sexually abuse for your own sport, to stave off boredom, or to earn money via child-prostitution, you’ll need to weigh that against the consequences of what will happen to you when you’re caught, and you WILL be caught…eventually.

      It doesn’t matter if you’re male or female, all prisons are FULL of sociopaths that can’t wait to misdirect their rage and hostility on newly incarcerated child-molesters and child-abusers. It’s the abuse most of these inmates suffered as children that turned them into sociopaths, secondary psychopaths, etc. You’re FAR safer on the outside where the majority of us who have empathy in abundance, even for you. Rumor has it that the more sadistic of the prison guards like to allow the rampant abuse of child-offenders because, like you, they also lack empathy for others, and being the resourceful and sly sadists that they are known to be, they’ve chosen one of the few career paths where they’re not only well-paid to throttle inmates whenever it suits them, but are also rarely get punished for doing so, and thoroughly enjoy listening to child offenders scream and beg for their lives, or cry out in pain. Apparently, the guards think it’s healthy to allow the inmates to regularly vent their rage and hostility (before they turn on the guards), and see the child offenders as the best means to accomplish that. It’s apparently very satisfying for the inmates to direct all their inner rage onto someone they view with complete contempt, much in the same way they view the person who caused all their rage in the first place. It may be worth you while to run that scenario through your head.

      Lastly, your AsPD+P is far more likely to be revealed to authorities if you have a child and that likelihood increases with each child you have. People judge parents, often quite harshly. Your behavior will be under a microscope. If you’re not outed by a pediatrician, then you will be by a teacher (if not several), or another parent. You’re more likely to remain undetected if you remain childless. I’m surprised you’re not aware of this??? Also, don’t delude yourself that a child will take care of you in your old age, because any child you rear will lack empathy for you. Think for a moment about how you view the elderly. How do you think your disordered child or children will view you in old age? Are you familiar with the Menendez brothers?

      You ask if you should have the right to have human goals, and I’ll assume that is rhetorical because you know you have the same rights as anyone. Of course you can start a relationship. Psychopaths are known for starting many, sometimes having several going on at the same time to thwart your boredom. It seems highly unlikely that any psychopath would want to seek the routine boredom and monotony that is inherent in a traditional marriage, unless it’s just another means to pass as neurotypical or for your personal financial gain. It’s completely understandable that you think we (neurotypicals) are being unfair and cold to say you shouldn’t have a family of your own because you are doing the only thing you know how to do…think about your own needs while never considering the needs of the child/children you might have. This doesn’t make you a bad person. It simply shows the extreme egocentricity and complete disregard and concern for others that are indicative of your psychopathy. We don’t blame you for your failure to see that, because we know you’re incapable of that viewpoint.

      A final thought on dying alone and in misery. Statistically speaking, it is highly unlikely that someone in close physical proximity to you will also take their dying breath at the precise moment you take yours. This applies to everyone, not just you. You may be surrounded by people on your deathbed but the lifeforce that animates your physical body now will slip away all by itself, while all those people watch. If you’ve seen an awake person die, you know what I mean. Why do you think people so many people, the world over, need to believe in some sort of god? No one wants to die alone, yet we all do, even when surrounded by people we know. As for the misery, it is inherent in psychopathy. If you want to lessen that misery, explain to those around you what they can and cannot expect from you. Some will judge you. We all get judged unfairly, but don’t let that thwart your continued pursuit of knowledge, because feeding one’s soul is one step closer to personal fulfillment.

    2. I don’t mean to be rude, but this is such a sociopathic response…again with the asking us to empathize with the sociopath. Yes, we do feel sorry for you, ok? We DO see you as a human being, even though sociopaths don’t treat us as such. The bottom line is not what you deserve or not! The bottom line here is that a person who DOES have true emotions, and empathy, and who CAN love truly does deserve to BE loved in return — and how sad if they are not. You are asking us non-sociopaths to sacrifice ourselves, be 100% selfless, to not have our own needs fulfilled so that you can have someone take care of you!!! That is a cruel and selfish mindset — and you don’t even see it that way! And as far as having children, why would you? So that they can add to your image of being ‘normal,’ or an extension of yourself? So that they can be a source of supply? For your own reasons? It is certainly not because you want to GIVE 100% of yourself to nurturing them. It’s not because you would create them out of a relationship of genuine, sacrificial love! And you would never be able to give them the depth of love they would need from you. They would spend their lives searching for that elsewhere (which is problematic), or they would be just like you!

    3. I don’t mean to be rude, but this is such a sociopathic response…again with the asking us to empathize with the sociopath. Yes, we do feel sorry for you, ok? We DO see you as a human being, even though sociopaths don’t treat us as such. The bottom line is not what you deserve or not! The bottom line here is that a person who DOES have true emotions, and empathy, and who CAN love truly does deserve to BE loved in return — and how sad if they are not. You are asking us non-sociopaths to sacrifice ourselves, be 100% selfless, to not have our own needs fulfilled so that you can have someone take care of you!!! That is a cruel and selfish mindset — and you don’t even see it that way! And as far as having children, why would you? So that they can add to your image of being ‘normal,’ or an extension of yourself? So that they can be a source of supply? For your own reasons? It is certainly not because you want to GIVE 100% of yourself to nurturing them. It’s not because you would create them out of a relationship of genuine, sacrificial love! And you would never be able to give them the depth of love they would need from you. They would spend their lives searching for that elsewhere (which is problematic), or they would be just like you! So again, I know it is difficult for a sociopath to direct their brains away from their own needs, but asking us empathetic people to sacrifice being loved and nurtured and treated respectfully is a bit SELFISH, right?!

  7. Wow. This is a great little site you have here! I’ve only recently faced brutality against myself for what I am, and in my effort to understand it I came across this. Plenty of other threads had many people who claim to be sociopathic but any true sociopath can see through it instantly. Here, though, has attracted many people who have successfully put into words how we view things.
    I believe we do possess an ability to see things more clearly and think more rationally because we aren’t clouded by emotions. Having been raised in a loving household and taught sound morals I do my very best to avoid hurting anyone. My relationships have always been mutually beneficial, I determine that I am ‘friends’ or ‘in love’ with someone when they offer me something I want and I can return the favor. This is only possible by remaining distant unfortunately, as someone said earlier we get lonely. It’s also understandable why a person with a ‘normally’ functioning brain would fear us. As with anyone else sociopaths have unique personalities, there are plenty that will leave you devastated and not mind; Then there are many, like ones posting here, that are researching you to understand the other side of things so they can adapt. That is one thing we do very well, learn and adapt.

  8. @positivagirl,
    Is that wrong to be ok with that? I understand his and no matter what I love him. He is good for me and I know I’m good for him. He honestly balances me out. Regardless, he is my best friend and the love of my live.

    1. The concern that I would have is that you say that you know who he is, but he doesn’t?

      Isn’t that a worry? If he cannot see it, and doesn’t perceive it as a problem? I guess if you don’t want to change him, and are happy with him the way that he is, just expect though to have your own personal identity eroded, and to become well – his. This might be endering at first, but as your life grows smaller and smaller – is it really?

  9. Hi there, I want to chime in. I’m not necessarily defending sociopath s as I was in a relationship with one and she caused a lot of heart ache and disruptions in my life. But to be fair, in what realationships are equal? Even among most relationships with regular “beings”, there are plenty of in equalities…its really how much u love this person and how much you’re willing to put up with their defects. Otherwise equal relationships are far and in between, Not just with sociopaths. Trust me I been in plenty of relationships and there are just some people with dominating personalities that u either deal with or you get out.

    1. I kind of agree with you Jimmy. One in my life, can be drama – sometimes, although not as much as in that first year, sometimes it can be bad. But – i have experienced bad from non sociopaths too. Its the control element that is the problem, as it restricts your own personal growth. That said though, I think it is rare to find a partnership that is perfect. It is about what you can put up with. Or, more importantly – how you feel about yourself when with that person.

      1. I’m married to a sociopath. the first year with him was heaven. the second was painful. the third was hell. now i have met a man with real emotions, and i’m getting a divorce and i will never look back. there were red flags that first year. many. but i ignored them because i had never been so in love, so perfectly fit with someone… believe me, every moment spent loving a sociopath is a great risk. eventually he drained me of every penny i had, because he ‘needed it’ he was desperate, he would be evicted, he was crying, very ’emotional’… the minute he got the money he acted like it never happened. he never paid back a dime, he practically laughed in my face. and then he’d do it again. i’m a true empath, their greatest prey… i would have given him the clothes off my back. its how i was raised. its love to me. believe me, if you can really love, you will be very hurt by someone who can not. eventually i found out about all the women he met online. it became the worst nightmare of my life. i feel blessed that found a man who helped me escape my fate. along with my husband’s sister who begged me to leave for my own safety, and sacrificed her own relationships in her her family to save me. i’m so sorry to tell you this, but i’m so happy someone told me… this isn’t a winning battle. the fights will get worse the more he knows you need him and love him and won’t leave him. he will become cruel, then beyond loving, then cruel again in a heartbeat. he will look you in the eye, smile warmly, and tell you lies. he will hide everything from you. he will know exactly what to say to you to keep you hungry for his unique love that no one else can provide, and he will do things you despise behind your back without a moment’s concern. whether you stay or not, or forever how long you stay, you must be aware that you are not sharing the same experience he is. he can not reciprocate the purity of your love. he can only reflect it back to you as you most want to see it. he might even feel love of his own variety, i’m quite sure my husband was very in love with me. for him. it did not stop him from lying, cheating, and stealing my savings. be smart, be safe, stay informed, stay strong. please.

  10. @positivagirl,
    It’s not bad control, more like dominant. He does not time me if I’m gone or blow my phone up when I come home late. He is very supportive with my needs and goals so he does not keep me from doing what I want or make it impossible for my life to move forward. I think that’s one thing that highly attracts me to him is that I’m very independent and I have goals with school. I am working all the way towards my doctorates and he is very involved with my success. What I mean by controlling is that he tells me I am his and he doesn’t allow me to wear certain cloths expecially if he is not with me. I have to grow my hair out because he wants it long. I have to keep my nails done and feet done. I cant lose a certain amount of weight because he dont like that. I cannot have attitude towards him. He is very dominating when it comes to our intimate life.

    1. How does that level of control make you feel about you Beckysue?

      Does it make you feel good, inspired? Does it make you feel alive, special or does it make you feel owned. A possession. You say that you want to marry him, do you want children? What do you think would happen if you were to get pregnant, and put on weight? As you would in pregnancy? What if you didn’t lose the weight afterwards?

      Remember marriage – and children – you would almost certainly be owned then. What concerns me about what you write, is that you say that he isn’t aware of his issues…. but you are.

    2. Beckysue, my sociopath was a lot like yours. What is it with sociopaths and their obsession with hands and feet? lol Mine also asked me to gain some weight. My hair has been very long for years, so no problem there. Mine was also possessive, but didn’t comment on what I wore outside the house. He did want me to wear a corset around the house and was dominating in the bedroom. I gave him plenty of attitude, but only when he had attitude with me. It frustrated him to no end. I ended up moving out and we broke up for good on May 1st of 2014. I don’t miss his delicate, uber-fragile ego or hot-head temperament. Strangely, I don’t miss anything at all.

  11. I read this post, and finally got a breathe of fresh air. For a long time now I’ve identified myself by seriously researching myself, studying myself, and studying others. Characteristics I’ve seen on this page apply very directly to me, so I think I’m in the right place right now.

    We sociopaths can’t help it, because we’re attuned to our surroundings very much. In any social gathering we’re constantly studying everything and everyone else, and I feel this is a sure reason why we’re so sharp at detecting situations and things.
    My relationships have all been about control. I allow all the independence, so as not to get too sucked in, but the number one high I get is my partner knowing she belongs to me. Infact the more the acknowledgement of this, the higher I get. And really, the more addicted I get to her. Which is ironical, since I usually strive to remain distant a bit.
    I’m a confirmed sociopath. Been searching for closure from this for many years. Control is everything to me, even though it’s very different from the way most people see this, especially in the fact that sociopaths have excellent control of themselves and are hardly ever violent. Yes, I have the ability to move on without remorse, or be numb to most emotions. But I feel too most times.

    About being higher beings, I’ve thought about this too. And I know this to be true, because while everyone else’s having a good time I’m just scheming and calculating and thinking and projecting. It’s very tasking to have a very evolved brain.
    A social vampire can be another term, since I love dark places and, obviously, the manipulative effects.
    This is just me. Everyone accepts who they are, I’m just doing same. Whoever made this thread, thank you very much.

      1. XD I don’t think sociopaths are better than normal people necessarily but I think that there are pros and cons both ways, sociopaths just don’t give a crap but are very controlling and everyone else just has too much emotion. I prefer never being sad although I do wonder what most emotions would “feel” like. The only thing I sort of hate about being a sociopath is the pathological lying, it’s not even conscious, I don’t think “hey I’m going to lie right about now!” But in the end I’d rather be sort of cold and emotionless than break down crying over a death of some family member…

      2. True it isn’t a good thing, but how is it a sociopaths fault for not feeling guilt? Our brain just doesn’t function exactly the same as yours and even most sociopaths have completely different ideals. Just saying (and don’t take this as a lame excuse or anything) but can you really blame someone for being born the way they are? From their side they will never experience things like “love exactly how it’s “meant” to be experienced, they will also treat it a different way as it has a different meaning to them. Not saying it’s bad to be wary but you know… Not everyone is “bad” by will if you get my drift XD

      3. I get this andrew, but its the pain that sociopaths inflict on people who often have done nothing to them but love them. You might be born that way, but you still have the choice. You are opportunists and cannot resist…. Even if it hurts someone else. Thats the point. Its all about you. Its always all about you.

      4. I don’t necessarily mean evil, or devil, no not at all. I meant just dark rooms, or like clubs, don’t like much bright light you know. This is referring to the term I coined, social vampire lol. But then again, it’s just personal.

  12. Less of a comment, more a question. Some food for thought. Should we have to be alone because of the way our brains work? So we don’t feel your version of “love” with isn’t from my understanding something that many if any can actually explain anyway. You are quick to point out the issues with dating a sociopath, but you don’t have any advice, feasible, plausible, or possible courses of action to help.

    Any ideas ? Don’t be a sociopath or act differently doesn’t exactly work. It’s simply another favade covering the truth of the person.

    Hm.

    1. Maybe date other people with personality disorders? Or other people who are already in victim mode/stage or disordered? That way you can’t do any damage?

      I wrote this site while still in trauma. I left… and returned to the sociopath. I can say that posts that were written 18 months earlier, were again, true, word for word.

      Sociopaths are so controlling, and they do play with your mind. Always this escalates, the lying, the manipulating the deceiving. I agree that it is in the brain. I agree with this, I saw this, but terrible damage can be done to ordinary peoples lives, for doing nothing wrong to you – but loving you. Really you are just too destructive to be in a relationship with. Or you can, but expect losses, and destruction, and that won’t or can’t change.

  13. Hi
    can anyone help me as I think I may be losing my mind. I’m trying to figure out if the man I love is a sociopath or just a guy with low self esteem and mommy issues. We have been together almost two years now. When we first met he came on strong and everything seemed amazing. But he lied about details of his life and he doesn’t just lie to me but everyone about even the dumbest things. He will lie to a stranger about knowing something but in reality doesn’t have any clue about only because he loves to lie. His brother had told me I wasn’t seeing the true him and that’s when he was honest about more details of his life. He has a white collar felony which I knew about but didn’t know the details until that day. He told me he wanted to live together but his mother became upset about it and one day I came home and his things were packed and he told me he was leaving. The night before this he had sex with me and told me everything was okay between us. we had been arguing for a while and then the next day he leaves. We got back together after he wrote me a letter telling me that he was scared of his feelings for me so soon after his divorce but knows he loves me and we have been together since. But his lies continue. He doesn’t seem to care about following the guidelines of his probation and states no one can tell him what to do. He had a probation violation and his parents paid off his restitution to avoid jail and he thinks all the court cares about is money and he can do what he wants. He has impulsivly physically pushed me in the past and become very angry when confronted about his lies. He told me we would get engaged and we went looking for rings and his family was looking forward to this to then start acting like a jerk because it wasn’t true and his controlling mother didn’t know anything about it. He doesn’t seem to care about things the way most people do such as friends or family getting cancer and will say things like it’s sad but unfortunately cancer is the great equalizer and then will make me feel badly that I’m sensitive. He will be kind and loving and then suddenly throw my faults in my face.
    You might ask why do I want to be with him. I don’t. I just want to know is he a sociopath or something else? I’m not saying I’m innocent in everything I can say mean things to him to. I don’t have any criminal behavior and know right from wrong and don’t play the head games he does. I don’t know if he believes the reality he tells me about the future he wants or he wants me to think he wants this just to make me a head case. I have told him I have researched narcasissts and sociopathy only for him to ask me why I would waste my time doing things like that and it’s insulting. What reaction would a true sociopath have if confronted with who they are?

    1. Yes they always pick fights before they leave. see http://datingasociopath.com/2013/10/13/the-sociopath-exit-strategy/ this is deliberate on their part, and often pre-planned.

      You know that he will suck the life out of you, affect your mental health, self esteem, confidence, control you, ruin you, and it will take a considerable time to pick your life back up after the relationship has ended (which really it has to, eventually) or you would go insane. When he is kind and loving he is seducing you, mirroring you and being what you want to see. That is all. It is just a manipulation technique that they use. What you have to ask yourself, is WHO is it that you are with? It probably isn’t the person that he presents to you. See the rage when he gets angry, when you confront him on his lies? That is probably closer to who he is…..

      My personal experience, with regard to being exposed as a sociopath was 1. Deny 2. Accuse me of also being one 3. Admit – but not want to discuss 4. Deny and try to prove me wrong. Usually I found that he would defend the rights of sociopaths, over my own view. Which spoke volumes really.

      He is thriving off of your emotions, you say that he lies to you, he pushes you around, he doesn’t have respect for you. I know you are with him because you love him, but do you know who you are loving? If he is lying to you all the time, who is the real him? Do you know this? You might not know until he takes off, and takes off his mask and is a new person with a different persona with someone else.

  14. I just found out that I’m engaged to a sociopath. We were so happy and so in love (so I thought) but he’s been robbing me. I just found out yesterday and kicked him out. He denied it even though I had my bank statements in front of me. He packed his things and left. He even stole a ring that my grandmother left me!! An heirloom! So, I have a question that I hope someone can answer for me. Do sociopaths believe in Karma?

  15. I just found out that I’m engaged to a sociopath. We were so happy and so in love (so I thought) but he’s been robbing me. I just found out yesterday and kicked him out. He denied it even though I had my bank statements in front of me. He packed his things and left. He even stole a ring that my grandmother left me!! An heirloom! So, I have a question that I hope someone can answer for me. Do sociopaths believe in Karma? Thanks for any help.

    1. I dont know summer. My ex had karma he ended up homeless on the streets with nothing. This was after he wrote another letter telling me to kick him out if he didn’t pay me back of course he just used this time to dupe and con some more. He said it was his karma. But I don’t know?

  16. This is really arrogant. Once again someone acting like all sociopaths are sadistic maniacs. I can’t love someone properly. I know this. But when I say “I love you”, I mean “I really care about you because you make me happy”. Just because I can’t love the same way you do does not mean I don’t want to and does not mean I cannot have a healthy relationship.
    You are the one who is sick in the head. Not us. Alienating us like criminals.

      1. We’re not criminals. Yes, I may be an empty cage inside but that’s just who I am. We do not steal identities, we manipulate them and know exactly how each individual ticks. We are better than others and can read people like a book.

    1. Another ‘moral outrage’ comment from a sociopath – sigh. You can’t have a healthy relationship. Being controlled is not good for the partner, as they will ultimately lose themselves. My ex I think he did love me. We got back together after this post was written, I would say that he loved me. We split for the final time in January. The problem is though that you alienate your partners! ….. In the end I had to walk away, as I was burned out. I felt a shell of the person I once was. If only you could resist the desire and temptation to mould and shape people. But you can’t.

  17. @MarcusTheSociopath…
    This is a refrain oft repeated by the sociopath, and I’m only replying because I get sick of the delusion from time to time…

    Many non-sociopaths are intuitive or just plain perceptive and can “read people like a book”. The difference between you and them is integrity which, when employed says, “I see what I could do here, but because of who I am (the Greater Good, who they are to me, or fill in other integral reasoning), I choose not to manipulate, but behave morally.

    You are not “better than others”. You are a one-trick pony who responds to his lowest ego motivator. Because you lack integrity, you don’t have a choice. To you, the idea of moral reasoning (which you don’t possess anyway, so you wouldn’t really know to compare) is a roadblock. To those who possess higher reasoning, it is a filter that keeps them from doing slimy, solely self-motivated things that ultimately hurtle people, relationships and our world structures to h*ll in a hand basket.

    I wish you could tell the difference. Sadly, you can’t, and won’t. This is _your_ tell. We see your beady, calculating, but empty eyes…even through your practiced smile. Even if we don’t know what shiftiness you’re up to, we know something smells funny. Sometimes, I think we only entertain sociopaths to indulge the worst parts of ourselves (i.e., license to behave badly); to see what you do; or as a form of self-abuse, or some combination thereof.

    Regardless, you are not the great minds you perceive yourselves to be. Your predictability alone makes that notion laughable. You _have_ to run through people like water because, eventually, they either figure you out or simply get tired of your garbage. Sociopaths are such a shock to the system of someone pure hearted, it’s not surprising it would take them awhile to stabilize, try other things, or just plain be too stunned to believe anyone could behave as morally bankrupt as only a sociopath can.

  18. The thing is though beck is that it is cyclical. Yes it gets better but then it gets worse again. Control can be a nightmare and a bit of a battle. It’s a constant game that will take all of your energy. For some that doesn’t matter….It means you are his possession, not an equal partner.

  19. sorry i meant to write the reply to your earlier post to Beckysue, just ignore that it wasn’t meant for you. this, what you say here, is spot on.

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