The three words ‘I love you’ are meant to be special, intimate. To the sociopath ‘I love you’ means something entirely different.
When you first meet the sociopath, he spends a lot of time, listening, reflecting, mirroring.
- Listening to what you say (to discover what your needs and wants are)
- Reflecting (Offering you back what you need and want)
- Mirroring (mirroring your body language, repeating back to you what you are saying, ‘active’ listening skills)
Love is a really important game to the sociopath in dating. Without love the sociopath loses their power.
A sociopath will constantly say ‘I love you’….. what this actually means is ‘do you love me’…. he is constantly checking whether you love him. He needs you to love him, as when you do, you are rendered ‘weak’
You are fooled into thinking this is a genuine love connection. The sociopath mirrors all of the reactions that people do when they are genuinely in love.
- Wants to spend all of their time with you
- Appears interested in you and your interests
- Appears to share similar interests, goals, and morals
- Tells you constantly that they love you
- Showers you with attention and flattery
- Fakes that they will help you to fulfil your dreams
- Is very helpful and useful
With this belief that you have met someone who seems so perfect for you, you feel safe to let down your guard, and fall subsequently in love with the sociopath.
If you have been in a relationship with a sociopath, you will notice that they constantly say ‘I love you’, this leads you to feel some sense of responsibility for the sociopath, and that you should love them back. This is part of the manipulation and control.
The sociopath constantly checks what you are feeling about them, and if you are in love with them. When you are in love, you are rendered ‘weak’. This is in reality how the sociopath sees you.
There is a saying ‘crazy in love’ and being in love, can be a temporary form of ‘madness’ where we can lose ourselves in the moment of ‘love’.
Love is important to most humans, especially women. We all have the need to love, and to be loved.
The sociopath abuses this. This is what can leave victims feeling both confused, and lacking in belief that the person they are in love with is actually a sociopath after all your partner was so:
- ‘Loving and caring’
- Focused on you (giving you the illusion that they were as into you as you were them’
The person behind the mask is rarely seen. If you imagine the Wizard of Oz….. you are lured in and left spell bound by what you see in front of the curtain….. but when Dorothy pulled back the curtain, she saw a very different person operating the machine.
This is exactly what the sociopath does. He uses LOVE and fakes love, to
- Get you to fall in love
- So that (if you are in love) you feel a responsibility for him, and are weak
- Manipulate you
Because the sociopath has no conscience, he doesn’t care whether this causes you pain. The sociopath thrives to
- Be in control
- To win
Duping others, conning, and winning, obtaining what he wants by deception can give the ultimate high (see also sociopath’s dupers delight and the joy of conning someone). They suffer from boredom, and are not restricted by either
- Moral compass, responsibility for anyone else
- Emotions and feelings for anyone else except themselves
Whilst you are going headlong into the relationship with the sociopath, losing your head and falling in love, the sociopath will fake that he is in love. He will fake this so very well, that it will feel like a soul mate connection.
Why victims stay in the relationship with the sociopath
The reason why victims stay with the sociopath, is because of the poker effect. Once the mask begins to slip, the victim has fallen in love with the ‘illusion’ that the sociopath has sold to the victim. Everybody needs ‘closure’ but there can be no closure with the sociopath. You are in love with simply an illusion. The sociopath will give you back niceness, kindness, and fake love again, to lengthen his time with you. This is simply because the sociopath does not want to lose source for supply. This is all that you are to the sociopath, ‘a source for supply’.
This reminds me of the fairy tale of The Emperors New Clothes, where the Emperor is conned that his invisible clothes are made from silk and gold. He walks proudly in his new outfit, despite that he had doubts, he did not listen to himself. Allowed himself to listen to the swindlers, rather than his own intuition, his pride did not want to see the truth, until a child shouts from the crowd ‘that man is not wearing any clothes’
We are too often deluded in the search for love. We do not want it to be true, that we have met someone who has used us, and conned us, and that we were foolish to believe the lies that were told to us. That the lies opened our hearts, and we willingly let somebody use and abuse us. That nothing was true.
We do not want to appear foolish. We want what we have believed to be the truth. The sociopath can get further ‘dupers delight’, if the truth is uncovered, and he manages to convince you that he does actually ‘love you’, and you then stay for an extended period of time.
A sociopath cannot love in the traditional way that you are sold LOVE. Love to the sociopath means three things:
- Source for supply
The sociopath would never admit this to you. It can be so hurtful, that you do not want to admit this truth to yourself. The sociopath, when the truth starts to be uncovered, will continue to sell you the lie, and even go to further lengths to prove that his lies are true.
Your weakness, is not only that you are in love (which is why the sociopath constantly checks that you are in love with them), but also pride. Once you know the truth, and understand and accept this, that it is NOT you. That what you experienced was not real. You had simply been played as part of the biggest illusion on earth, you can start to let go.
To let go, you need to accept the truth, to establish no contact. To put into place a recovery plan.
See also http://datingasociopath.com/2013/03/15/how-to-recover-from-dating-a-sociopath/
The sociopath does not and cannot experience love. Unless love to you, means ownership and control?
Ownership and control, is sadly, not love.
Words copyright © datingasociopath.com 2013