I love you!

The three words ‘I love you’ are meant to be special, intimate. To the sociopath ‘I love you’ means something entirely different.

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When you first meet the sociopath, he spends a lot of time, listening, reflecting, mirroring.

  • Listening to what you say (to discover what your needs and wants are)
  • Reflecting (Offering you back what you need and want)
  • Mirroring (mirroring your body language, repeating back to you what you are saying, ‘active’ listening skills)

Love is a really important game to the sociopath in dating. Without love the sociopath loses their power.

A sociopath will constantly say ‘I love you’….. what this actually means is ‘do you love me’…. he is constantly checking whether you love him. He needs you to love him, as when you do, you are rendered ‘weak’

You are fooled into thinking this is a genuine love connection. The sociopath mirrors all of the reactions that people do when they are genuinely in love.

  • Wants to spend all of their time with you
  • Appears interested in you and your interests
  • Appears to share similar interests, goals, and morals
  • Tells you constantly that they love you
  • Showers you with attention and flattery
  • Fakes that they will help you to fulfil your dreams
  • Is very helpful and useful

With this belief that you have met someone who seems so perfect for you, you feel safe to let down your guard, and fall subsequently in love with the sociopath.

If you have been in a relationship with a sociopath, you will notice that they constantly say ‘I love you’, this leads you to feel some sense of responsibility for the sociopath, and that you should love them back. This is part of the manipulation and control.

The sociopath constantly checks what you are feeling about them, and if you are in love with them. When you are in love, you are rendered ‘weak’. This is in reality how the sociopath sees you.

There is a saying ‘crazy in love’ and being in love, can be a temporary form of ‘madness’ where we can lose ourselves in the moment of ‘love’.

Love is  important to most humans, especially women. We all have the need to love, and to be loved.

The sociopath abuses this. This is what can leave victims feeling both confused, and lacking in belief that the person they are in love with is actually a sociopath after all your partner was so:

  • ‘Loving and caring’
  • Helpful
  • Focused on you (giving you the illusion that they were as into you as you were them’
  • Moralistic

The person behind the mask is rarely seen. If you imagine the Wizard of Oz….. you are lured in and left spell bound by what you see in front of the curtain….. but when Dorothy pulled back the curtain, she saw a very different person operating the machine.

This is exactly what the sociopath does. He uses LOVE and fakes love, to

  • Get you to fall in love
  • So that (if you are in love) you feel a responsibility for him, and are weak
  • Manipulate you

Because the sociopath has no conscience, he doesn’t care whether this causes you pain. The sociopath thrives to

  • Be in control
  • To win

Duping others, conning, and winning, obtaining what he wants by deception can give the ultimate high (see also sociopath’s dupers delight and the joy of conning someone). They suffer from boredom, and are not restricted by either

  • Moral compass, responsibility for anyone else
  • Emotions and feelings for anyone else except themselves

Whilst you are going headlong into the relationship with the sociopath, losing your head and falling in love, the sociopath will fake that he is in love. He will fake this so very well, that it will feel like a soul mate connection.

Why victims stay in the relationship with the sociopath

The reason why victims stay with the sociopath, is because of the poker effect. Once the mask begins to slip, the victim has fallen in love with the ‘illusion’ that the sociopath has sold to the victim. Everybody needs ‘closure’ but there can be no closure with the sociopath. You are in love with simply an illusion. The sociopath will give you back niceness, kindness, and fake love again, to lengthen his time with you. This is simply because the sociopath does not want to lose source for supply. This is all that you are to the sociopath, ‘a source for supply’.

This reminds me of the fairy tale of The Emperors New Clothes, where the Emperor is conned that his invisible clothes are made from silk and gold. He walks proudly in his new outfit, despite that he had doubts, he did not listen to himself. Allowed himself to listen to the swindlers, rather than his own intuition, his pride did not want to see the truth, until a child shouts from the crowd ‘that man is not wearing any clothes’

We are too often deluded in the search for love. We do not want it to be true, that we have met someone who has used us, and conned us, and that we were foolish to believe the lies that were told to us. That the lies opened our hearts, and we willingly let somebody use and abuse us. That nothing was true.

We do not want to appear foolish. We want what we have believed to be the truth. The sociopath can get further ‘dupers delight’, if the truth is uncovered, and he manages to convince you that he does actually ‘love you’, and you then stay for an extended period of time.

A sociopath cannot love in the traditional way that you are sold LOVE.  Love to the sociopath means three things:

  • Control
  • Ownership
  • Source for supply

The sociopath would never admit this to you. It can be so hurtful, that you do not want to admit this truth to yourself. The sociopath, when the truth starts to be uncovered, will continue to sell you the lie, and even go to further lengths to prove that his lies are true.

Your weakness, is not only that you are in love (which is why the sociopath constantly checks that you are in love with them), but also pride. Once you know the truth, and understand and accept this, that it is NOT you. That what you experienced was not real. You had simply been played as part of the biggest illusion on earth, you can start to let go.

To let go, you need to accept the truth, to establish no contact. To put into place a recovery plan.

See also http://datingasociopath.com/2013/03/15/how-to-recover-from-dating-a-sociopath/

and http://datingasociopath.com/2013/03/15/sociopath-and-establishing-no-contact/

The sociopath does not and cannot experience love. Unless love to you, means ownership and control?

Ownership and control, is sadly, not love.

Words copyright © datingasociopath.com 2013

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78 thoughts on “I love you!”

  1. .I believe that I may be or may have been in a relationship with a sociopath. I have been unhappy since sophomore year in high school and am now going to be 22. I feel unwanted or not good enough to or for anyone around me or in my life. That tells me thatsomething is wrong, im only 22. But the thing is, im not sure whats wrong.

    1. Study your relationship with your parents, particularly your relationship with the parent of the sex opposite yours. That can tell you a lot. If you can find a good counselor that can be a life changer. Be sure you find a good one and one you are comfortable with. Lay people cannot always know who is good and who isn’t so ask around. The counselor should leave you feeling validated even while confronting you. The relationship should not be abrasive or leave you feeling diminished.

  2. I think that this is a very inaccurate description of what dating a sociopath is like. Sociopaths can, in fact, experience love. It is different for everyone and to write about such a stigmatized disorder in this way is harmful.

      1. I fell I love with someone that displays all the symptoms of sociopathic behavior. I agree that everyone is not the same I just know that caring for someone that hurts you day in day out is not healthy. though I still adore her she is no longer part of my life. it was her choice to tell me she wanted to marry me on a Sunday and then have someone else in her bed by Tuesday (same week). her lack of feelings other than for herself and the constant aggressiveness to the relationship kept me totally confused. I am still so in love with her and I wish there was something I could do to change things but I have realized that only God, and then maybe not. I really hope that all of us that have at one point become victims of these types know that it is not us and to an extent it is not even them it is an illness. sincerely may God help us all because it sure hurts like there is no tomorrow to loose some one you love. tnks.

    1. I agree. I’m a diagnosed sociopath, and I found this article rather offensive. I have a family that I love dearly, honeslty – dear author, find my “source of supply” with them?

      My bet your model will “True-Scot’s” fallacy before you can find an explanation.

      1. What is a true Scots fallacy?

        Do you think that perhaps this is because we disagree on what ‘love’ actually is? I know a few sociopaths have complained about this post, so I am open to debate about it. It isn’t always what you do when the relationship is ongoing, its the destruction that you can cause if the person should choose to leave you – without you wanting that…would you agree?

    2. Your classic sociopath does not feel love. He/she may feel desire or need but not love. They are unable to make a connection with another person. A sociopath does not know what love is and they generally feel empty. This emptiness is painful and leads to all sorts of dysfunctional behavior as they attempt to feel. In the worst cases you get your Bundys who go to extreme lengths to feel something. If a sociopath feels love he/she is not a sociopath.

  3. Which do you believe; some says they love you then punches you (a metaphor for any action that hurts you), they say they love you then punches you again. Which should you believe the fist or the words and how many times does it take before you realize that actions speaks louder than words. Believe me, it is not healthy to have someone in your life like that and you can not help them, no matter who they are or how you feel about them, you can only help yourself to a better life and survive.

  4. I just got out of a relationship with one.. well were taking a break. he says he just discovered he is a sociopath because he never really knew what was wrong with him. the lies, cheating, manipulation, more lies and promise breaking.. theres just so much. were taking a break now because he wants time to help himself.. but now that i know more of this sociopathic hell .. ik the real him. i dont want to go back

    1. Hi Virginia, welcome to the site.

      Interesting if he is saying that he is a sociopath? What has made him realise this? It is good that you don’t want to go back…. am sure he will be back though,…

      1. Hes driving me insane… I do so much for him and he only worries about himself. He was doing research last night to see what is wrong with him because he can never figure it out. Its scary knowing what he really is now. Hes a monster! He wants to separate from me for a while to try and fix himself and figure out who he is.. Is this a good idea?

    1. Although the psychopathic traits mentioned here can very easily and lead to dangerous levels of manipulation, they don’t have to.

      With tremendous effort we can manage it. I’m now seen as someone of intense understanding and observation with a keen strategic instinct. I know where those traits come from, yet I’ve made the conscious choice to use them for the betterment of friends, acquaintances, and society. People confide in me extraordinary things because they know, no matter what, I will not be judging them.

      It’s true that I don’t “feel” guilt or remorse, except to the extent that it affects me directly, but I do feel other emotions, which don’t have proper words of description, but nevertheless cause me to derive satisfaction in developing interpersonal relationships, contributing to society, and being gentle as well as decisive.

      1. I notice your sociopathic language it is the same as the one in my life. You say that people confide in you. They likely do because you seem trustworthy. But you would know that without conscience you would betray that confidence or threaten to, should you feel it necessary.

      2. You might not judge but you would betray confidence should you choose. This is what is hurtful and painful the betrayal of trust. I am sure that you can be wonderful (my ex was) it wasn’t what he was doing when he was good that was the problem. It was what he was capable of if he thought I was of no further use. Or if I hurt him (usually rejection) or if I was a threat to him (real or perceived).

      3. Because I’m in a foul mood I am going to comment on something that’s none of my business. You conveniently “forget” that teenage girls commonly share secrets with their “besties” and when they get into arguments suddenly the whole school knows that one of them went behind the bleachers with someone. Don’t pull that crap, because you know very well that empaths are just as capable of betraying trust. Obviously you don’t have anymore come backs or an original thought in your head. You only think about what society has spoon-fed you to believe and you blindly accept just like some “Christians” believe the Bible that men wrote regardless of what Jesus actually preached and practiced. It’s pathetic and sad, to be honest I think that’s why you quit responding to me because you knew that any person who took a step back and had an unbiased opinion would see that the truth is not what you try to convince people it is. You are scared to admit that a soiciopath is not as monstrous as people would like to believe. You with sociopaths, racist people in the mid-1900′s with blacks, and “Christians” today with homosexuals, all the same because yall were/are so afraid to admit that just because someone is noticeably different than you are doesn’t mean that they are evil, bad, wrong, a blight on society, whatever the hell small-minded people like yall believe. People with the mentality such as that are truly what holds society back and keeps us from advancing and becoming a more productive and unified people. Everybody contributes in their own way and a sociopaths contribution when applied is more beneficial to the community as a while than many empaths contributions. You really aren’t worth continuing a conversation with because your emotions on the subject cause such a handicap to you it makes me forget I’m speaking with someone older than 5. Even children quit believing Santa is real when they open their eyes some and realize their parents have been lying to them for so many years. I have to say that I don’t believe you will ever get to that point. Your eyes are sewn shut so tightly to the truth that you will always be a few steps behind.

      4. No John, as I said it was the anniversary of my daughter’s death having ptsd. This was all that was on my mind. News flash there are hundreds of comments here everyday that take priority over you and your ego!! But I did lol at your hissy fit comment it’s first thing in the morning so thanks for the light entertainment reading :)

  5. The fact that you truly believe your own OPINIONS is ridiculous. Sociopaths are capable of a deeper love than “normal” people. We do mold ourselves to become what our partner needs but they will never have to want for affection, time, comfort, or fidelity. The majority of sociopaths are the most protective,loyal, and stable people you will meet despite our impulsiveness. When you meet a TRUE sociopath and not someone begging for attention claiming they are one then you will come to understand that our lack of emotions is in fact an advantage throughout our lives. I would move Heaven, Earth, and travel through Hell to provide for my loved ones and be the man they need me to be. Regardless of laws or hurting peoples feelings we do what is more beneficial for us. I will never place my girlfriend above myself but I don’t hesitate to place her or her kids above even my blood relatives. It benefits me to have her in my life because she provides what I crave most. Unlike many with emotions my wants and desires don’t revolve around physical appearance in my spouse. True, I am amazing in bed and I love the power it gives me over a person, but what I enjoy is lying there having a conversation when it’s over and seeing their raw emotions. Fact of the matter is I can go into great detail about how wrong you and your beliefs are, but I have more pressing matters to attend to. I had to educate the people who read this page and believe this bullshit you claim as science is a farce.

    1. There is a lot that you write that I can agree with. John and I have observed myself. However, it’s the lack of conscience when someone has wronged you, or if you think it’s over and the behaviour that shows that this isn’t true love. Without conscience you are capable of anything. Ownership possession and control is not love. I love and care for my dog. But am not in love with her. I own her. When you love someone when the relationship is over you don’t hurt that person. You don’t play games with their head. When you love someone you put their needs before your own. There is a lot that I agree with you on. You don’t lie to someone you love, you don’t isolate those you love, you don’t steal from them. Or threaten them when it’s all over. I am not dismissing what you say, as I witnessed this too. But the flip side is the narc rage the threats and control when it’s over. When have you continued to be loving towards someone who is now with someone else when you didn’t want them to go?… You wouldn’t you would ruin them so someone else wouldn’t want them. That is the truth and not a farce.

      1. That is a Sterotype, just like ALL white people are racist. ALL Arabs are terrorists. So on and so forth. Some may very well be exactly as u describe them. I am not. I have had women leave me, and to this day they are some of my good friends. No sex or games just open honesty and communication. They see the real me, have seen my emptiness when others aren’t around and still love and accept me. The women that I love say they are safer when around me because they know I will go to any lengths to protect them. I may be manipulative and controlling but I never lie and I don’t go out of my way to hurt someone because we have a difference of opinion or they can no longer handle being in a relationship with me. Much of what you have experienced is sad and it’s a shame that you met someone who reinforces that stereotype. Rest assured though that not all of us are like that.

    2. Sociopaths, by definition, are incapable of love. Narcissists are close to and less severely damaged than sociopaths and may be capable of love. If you are describing yourself then you are not a sociopath. Sociopaths feel empty inside and often want to connect with others but they don’t. They are fascinated by the weird creatures around them and manipulate people shamelessly because that’s the only way they know to relate. They are likely to participate in risky behaviors and engage in brinkmanship in order to feel something. You are describing yourself as a person who loves deeply therefore you are not a sociopath. Now if what you call love is actually need, which can be mistaken as love by one who cannot feel love, then you are a sociopath. You certainly have enough anger to be one and are engaging in a powerplay like a sociopath would. If this isn’t you then perhaps you’re a narcissist.

    3. John, I am in love with someone that sounds just like you. I don’t believe he lies even though his behavior and actions often make me wonder, I do really trust him. I’m curious for your advice when he goes into what he called his “funk” and disappears…what are your thought? Do I keep reaching out to him to let him know I’m there, or just go dark like he does and leave him alone. I believe he is capable of love but as you said always puts himself first. I am trying to work through some of the side effects of his behavior because I do care for him and I believe it is mutual at least as much as he is literally capable of. I’m not ready to give up on him.

  6. Why do people have selective hearing/reading. I said I do NOT lie. I am honest to fault and some people can’t handle that but one thing I will never be is a liar. I do mirror the women I have dated and been several different personalities with several different people at the same time to fit their needs. I try to manipulate my girlfriend but she sees right through it and I admire that. She calls me out when I say things to try to get my way and stands her ground. This woman has changed my views on marriage and spending a lifetime with someone. I have found someone who strengthens and empowers me while at the same time she is my one weakness. I have told her what my love for her means and she understands it, yet somehow she is not scared of it. As twisted as my mind is allows me to be objective. My current year long relationship is the most stable and pure thing that I have ever experienced. The fact that she is married with 3 kids and there’s a 10yr age difference doesn’t affect the fact that we accept each other and our situation and still love each other.

    1. Would you be offended if I said I am laughing out loud right now. Wow just wow. So…. If she decided to end it you wouldn’t threaten to report her to her husband and ruin her life? No course you wouldn’t. All sociopaths are compulsive liars. This is a joke comment right??? I am still laughing.

  7. Think what you want, it only sheds light on your ignorance. It’s no different than assuming I’m a terrorist because I’m an Arab. You are truly simple-minded and I pity you. I’ve told her I will be the death of her, I don’t try to hide my insanity with her because there’s no NEED to. Also when she broke up with me in August I may have tried to manipulate her to get back with me, but I would never jeopardize her relationship with her husband. I have her and her children’s social security numbers, bank acct info, email and social networking passwords, etc. Doesn’t mean I would ever use them to hurt her and she knows that. I like that she trusts me and I have no intention of ruining that. Think what you want, doesn’t change the fact that you don’t know me. The people who do, know who I choose to be. Judge all you want it doesn’t offend me, I get a good laugh out of people’s simplicity and ignorance. It proves that there are more inferior people in this world than yall would like to admit.

    1. You don’t see it do you? Let me repeat what you have just said to me –

      - You have her children’s social security numbers, bank account info, email and social networking passwords…..

      The one thing that you are assuming is that I don’t know who you are. I do. You are all the same. It is NOT normal, to have someone who you claim to ‘love’ childrens personal details. Now WHY would you want that? (NORMAL MEN WOULDN’T) i know why, you know why, you have it just in case.

      I bet that she knows you have it to. You have it ‘just in case’ and you WILL destroy her and hurt her – why? Cos you just can’t help it. Things will be great – as long as she is under your control and doing things your way.

      If she tried to dump you – well I am sure that you would tell her that you have those details of her children, leaving her terrified, that you will hurt her – wreck her marriage, turn her children against her….

      And that is NOT love.

      You see, the thing is about sociopaths, is that they just can’t help but give themselves away. You might be able to mirror…. but…. when your buttons are pressed, a different persona appears. This is the person behind the mask.

      As I said, it is the liability of what you CAN and WILL do….. and this is of course, why you have her childrens details – just in case she ever tries to escape you. And then the ‘loving’ ‘caring’ person will disappear, and she will realise it was never love. Not normal love. It was ownership, possession and control.

      Agree with me, or not, but you are deluded if you cannot see what I am saying is true.

    2. Also…. your train of thought is so predictable….. patterns of behaviour repeat. Like you are all robots.

      You say

      She broke up with me in August
      I wouldn’t jeapordise her relationship with her husband
      BUT I WOULD with her children…. (as you know that this is where it is REALLY going to hurt her) don’t you?

      You use (fake) love to manipulate – and fear to control. You cannot see, (or perhaps you can) just how sick, evil and twisted this is to do.

      Maybe you knew that she visited this site – or you looked for her here…. who knows…. but whatever, I am certain that you have all of her movements covered. It is not love…. you might be able to feign that to someone who is blind…. its abuse.

  8. Think what you want. I know the truth about myself. I have her info because I am good with numbers I didn’t go out of my way to memorize them but I looked at them and I have a photo image of them in my brain. I would never hurt her or jeopardize her marriage or relationship with her children. You ASSUME I will because you want so badly to believe I am evil. Everything you just described would make for a horrible B horror movie, but it is nowhere close to the truth about me. Bottom line is I will always do what is logical and beneficial to me. I know she loves me (I don’t know WHY). I know that she doesn’t expect anything from me even when my true colors have shown she grounds me. She cooks for me. She pushes me to better myself. There is no reason I would want to hurt her. Even if she walked away from me we both know she can’t STAY away. There would be no point in ruining her life because when she comes back I will be the one having to fix the mess I made. It’s not logical to do what you claim I can’t help but do. Yes I CAN ruin her whole family. WOULD I? Never in a million years. I don’t like when she’s upset. I’m obligated to comfort her and fix the problem, if I’m the cause of that problem then that causes extra problems for me. Why would I do that? Do you even listen to what comes out your mouth? Do you realize how much sense that does NOT make? I love her in my own sick and twisted way. I enjoy the emotional hold I have on some of the women in my life and I wouldn’t like if they left my life, but with HER I shut down. I wasn’t sure who I was supposed to be anymore. As pathetic as it makes me I am somewhat dependant on her. I gladly do anything she asks or needs of me so I don’t have to go through that again. I went downhill without her in my life. I had money sitting in the bank because I wasn’t eating or going out, I was working insane hours to kill time. When she came back to me she was upset that I had “let myself go”. I’ve never needed to be around someone as badly as I do her and vice versa. She is my addiction. I would kill for her. She will be the death of me or I will be the death of her. This may not fit your definition of love, but it’s exactly what both she and I have been searching for our whole lives. I have no illusion of being perfect, sane, or normal, but she is everything I am NOT and at the same time compliments the characteristics that I value in myself. I don’t see how this should be a cause for concern if we both know each other and accept that it’s not a “normal” relationship. I trust her with information that can put a needle in my arm, she trusts that I would never do anything to hurt her. To me this is a fine arrangement. How can you dispute love just because it doesn’t fit your definition of white gowns and church every sunday? The love, passion and everything else that defines a relationship is there.

    1. As I said I would never hurt her. My momma raised me with the beliefs and values she had and I have decided that they work for me. I do not lie because I don’t see the point. I don’t cheat because I don’t see the point. I’m not abusive to women because it’s disrespectful to them and a man would be nothing without a strong woman lifting him up. Children and their innocence should be protected at all costs. Everything I do benefits me somehow, be it entertainment or practical uses like feeding me. She knows I have all that information and she doesn’t like it and thinks it’s creepy, but knows I wouldn’t use it for vindictive purposes. She actually asked me to feel out some applications for her online while I was at work bored one day. I had to set up profiles, enter her previous work history for the past 15yrs, birthday, social, email, etc. That’s the only time I have ever went into her email account. She asked me not to go into any of her accounts even though I have the information and I promised her I wouldn’t. A man is nothing if he can’t honor his word. She has the courage to turn me in, she loves me enough not to. Stop generalizing sociopaths. I’m an Arab man who supports gay marriage, has no children, am NOT a terrorist, etc. Alternatively I have taken life with no remorse, been to prison, was upset when my dog had surgery but could care less when I see people being tortured. Yes, when she left me I didn’t threaten her. I don’t have to tell her husband because she already did. He knows there’s someone else but he doesn’t believe in divorce. Her kids don’t deserve to have their opinions of their mother diminished. I’m not a pathological liar because it’s too time consuming and like I said there’s no point. I choose to live by a set of beliefs, most people don’t agree with them but they work for me. I would never hit my girlfriend, but I will beat a man and watch the life leave their eyes. I won’t lie, but I will use peoples beliefs and needs to manipulate them to my advantage. I may be a felon. I may be a sociopath. I may be an Arab and Czech mix. None of those facts about me DEFINE me. Some things you are born with like race, sexual orientation, certain mental disorders/disabilities, some things you can choose to change like attitude, perspective, character. Just because some people choose to fall into the streotype that others believe of them doesn’t mean everyone does. That’s why generalizing people isn’t completely accurate.

  9. Actually I take that back, I won’t fabricate something out of thin air but out of convenience I will shorten things and cut out what I consider irrelevant information. Example: Complete truth is the woman who raised me wasn’t my biological mother so I have 3 older siblings who only share part of my blood but i was raised with them, the other 7 are my half-siblings by my father and i rarely get to see them. That’s too much information to give on a first date so i simply say “I’m one of eleven kids”. I don’t consider things like that a lie though, it’s just a very condensed version of the whole truth.

  10. Why dramatize it? Why play victim? (Also I was raised with the belief that matters of the family are secret). It annoys me when people try to pity me. My girlfriend drags pieces of my past out of me, the rest of the people who know were witness to it. I don’t advertise my childhood for pity, but I will discuss parts if they’re relevant to the topic at hand. I ask again why are you so focused on stereotyping me? What makes you fill so threatened that a person without emotions is possibly more moral and sound of mind than you (an empath)? What do you fill you will lose if you accept that just because I am different, that doesn’t mean I am automatically bad or evil? I know what drives me to share my thoughts and views on different matters with people, but what makes you fill the NEED to convince people that you’re right and there is no other possible alternative? I’m very curious to understand your mentality behind this.

    1. They feel the need to do this because of the IMMENSE amount of pain that has been dealt to them. If you can take someone higher than anyone else, then you can take them lower. A pissed of sociopath is the worst of enemies, as we become ruthless. If you truly do not understand why people hate us as much as they do, then you haven’t really learned anything about human emotion.

      1. Hang on being hurt in life is no excuse. I do agree a pissed off socio is the worst of enemies…. As you lose it during the narc rage and don’t care. But I don’t buy it it’s because you have been hurt what kind of excuse is that?

  11. Apparently you are still searching for answers to my questions. When you figure it out or think you understand let me know, I sincerely am interested in your reasoning behind your unwavering opinion and fear of the different/unknown.

    1. My gosh, you have such a big ego. Did you really think that I was sat searching for answers to your questions? I write my answers without thinking. After a three day horrific labour, on 19/01/10 I held my dead daughter in my arms. Today was 19/01. Perhaps today I had other things on my mind.

  12. I’m an egotistical asshole I don’t deny that. Quite frankly I wasn’t expecting you to ever find an answer, but I am curious whenever you gather your composure. I don’t usually see dates written like that unless the person is from Europe or something. I wasn’t expecting that at all. As for your daughters death day I understand how that affects people. I do crazy shit on my mommas birth and death days. Those may be the only unexplainable and illogical things I have ever done. I hope your night gets better, it sucks having something like that on your mind and not being able to change anything about it.

  13. @John
    Not to speak for Positiva, but she probably didn’t respond to you originally any further because your points are, to those who’ve had the sociopath experience, false and a waste of time to contradict.

    Still, since you seem adamant about churning and burning, here is your much-needed attention and response: sociopaths are not only not more productive to society as a whole, they are social and interrelational trainwrecks. They thwart, undermine and extort every good social system we have in this world.

    They are not just “different”, like a free-spirited girl who colors her hair green, or an out-of-the-box thinker/nerd who establishes a great new technological product, they are opportunistic, cameleon-like creatures who adapt to the emotions of others because they fail to experience geniune ones themselves. They are anomolies. Abnormal. And, not in a positive way.

    It would be terrific for every deceived person here if sociopaths were as wonderful as you’d like the world to believe they are, but in fact, they are the blight on society, they are destructive, not productive, they do enjoy creating confusion, misdirecting, hiding, and just generally creating chaos which means they are incapable of working for any collective good.

    You opinions are not only the minority here, they are the equivalent of trying to throw gasoline into a bee’s nest. If you like them so much, do the rest of us a favor and marry one of your own kind, keep to yourselves and interact only with your perceived superrace! That would reduce the number of you bothering decent people.

      1. Sociopaths / Psychopaths ……. Don t we all just love em …..

        Cuddly little unhinged creatures that they are.

        Nick

    1. people are not decent. people try to obtain decency through rules, religion, and boundaries. Even if it works, it is superficial. If people truly were decent, it would be a lot harder for a sociopath to operate. We pretend to be more decent than we are, because we believe you deserve it.
      You, specifically, are attacking someone for something they cannot change. This is nowhere near decent. I understand that your life has probably been hurt by sociopaths. My life has been hurt by normal people. I hope you can find more positivity in your experiences in life. The mere fact that your sociopath wasn’t a psychopath was something truly wonderful.

      1. I really do agree that non socio s can also be heartless selfish and hurtful. I have experienced that too. Last socio was more funny than anything although I didn’t find it too funny at the time. But am grateful for all he taught me.

  14. I dont think that the person is viewed as weak. Usually, the partner is exalted past human. Its when the relationship goes sour that the partner is dehumanized.

  15. To John Orona, I just wanted to say thank you. I’ve just recently discovered that I’m a sociopath, and when I tried to research this particular subject, the only thing that I found was the typical stereotype that a sociopath is just a bad person. I’m glad to see that there are other sociopaths like me that don’t fall on that ridiculous stereotype.

    1. John Orona doesn’t sound like a classic sociopath to me. He may be close to one but I don’t think he crosses the line. He sounds more like a narcissist to me. There is an informal classification of malevolent narcissist who can create a lot of damage because of their vindictiveness but even a normal narcissist hurts people with their callousness and selfishness. I think John may just be a run of the mill narcissist and a troll who likes to stir things up. He’s successfully stirring things up but not getting what he wants. He’ll eventually leave this site.

    1. Thank you Scarlett… are you psychic? This post and the comments on it was going to be the topic of my post today – but I changed my mind. Maybe I can add to the end of the post.

      Happy Valentines Day!! :)

  16. Remember people just because some exhibits traits of a sociopath doesn’t mean they are one. Most men are 50% psychopathic while most women are 37% psychopathic.

  17. though i may agree with some of this what i do not agree with is the one sidedness of it all by portraying sociopaths as a male thing only, especially when you keep saying him him him, is there no such thing as female socio paths? yes i think there is so the shoe fits both feet and should be written that way…just saying….

    1. Yes there is such a thing as female sociopaths. This was just a blog. Writing as a writer about males I had encountered. Later posts I did change it to gender neutral…. But it’s harder to write and more difficult to read. So I might return to writing he it’s easier than saying ‘the sociopath’ every other sentence.

  18. Why is the sociopath in this article a male?. Women can be too.
    I am a psychopath, seems strange saying that hahaha. Yet, i find this whole thing absolutely retarded. Why? because although i love myself, have a huge ego and spend hours admiring myself all day, everyday, i can still fall in love and see other people as perfect human beings. I confess, i do tell my boyfriend i love him just to hear him say it back but i dont find him weak at all. I feel even more wonderful and often ask him to compliment me, which seems obnoxious but he genuinely does not mind and finds it rather funny.
    I do manipulate him, but only into minor things. For example, making me a cup of tea and letting me watch my favourite film even if he hates it. He does know what i am up to when i give him my puppy dog eyes too, somehow the man sees right through me.
    But, i do those things for him and dont give it a thought.
    All you need is to have a mutual understanding of who you both are truely.
    And as for the people saying that psychopaths are abusive and all of that bullshit, Perhaps you need to cpnsider the fact that your just getting with arseholes who think its fine to slap people around. They are just nasty people,
    I have tons of good friends, a fantastic family and i genuinely do love my boyfriend. I have since i was twleve, we started a relationship when we were seventeen and we have been together for nine years now.
    So, before people read this stupid article and believe it and pity themselves, they should go and meet a psychopath, who isnt a total bastard and reconsider everything they have heard about ‘every’ psychopath.
    P.s. Your boss probably has major psychopathic tendancies

    1. It’s a male because the ones I dated were male. Old posts all say he. Later ones say the sociopath. Think I am going to go back to that way of writing it was easier to write. Everyone is an individual even psychos and sociopaths. There are varying degrees. I still say ownership possession and control is not really love (to me) so far nobody has said anything to convince me otherwise.

      I don’t hate psychos or socios maybe just our definition of what we define as love is different.

  19. I have just recently discovered the label for myself that others have for us. It has been enlightening/embarrasing/uplifting and so many other confusing emotions. I believe not knowing what I was until my thirties has helped me in a lot of ways. I’ve spent so much time trying to understand why I was different. I often envied people’s ignorance because it seemed to make them happy, regardless of how I saw their lives. I also was raised Christian, so I am fairly compassionate. This doesn’t mean I wouldn’t snap the life out of someone for looking at me the right way. I also found the article offensive, but I understand that it nearly impossible to see the other side of things when you’ve been hurt. I can only speak for myself because I do not know if I have ever met another. That being said… I would say pretty much all the “tell-tale” traits you have of us are spot-on….it is the reasoning you put behind
    these actions that I don’t agree with.
    ” Listening to what you say (to discover what your needs and wants are)
    Reflecting (Offering you back what you need and want)
    Mirroring (mirroring your body language, repeating back to you what you are saying, ‘active’ listening skills) ”
    Definately. When someone takes an action within my eyesight, I do not just see the action taking place, I see the emotion behind it. I cannot comprehend how anyone can actually believe “true love” is found in a relationship where your partner doesn’t truly know you.
    “Love is a really important game to the sociopath in dating. Without love the sociopath loses their power.”
    This isn’t true. I can find power in most situations. I do not need love to feel powerful. Honestly, I always feel powerful, even when I am weak. This is most likely due to being successful in most situations I have ever been placed in.
    ” Wants to spend all of their time with you
    Appears interested in you and your interests
    Appears to share similar interests, goals, and morals
    Tells you constantly that they love you
    Showers you with attention and flattery
    Fakes that they will help you to fulfil your dreams
    Is very helpful and useful ”
    These things occur because they are important in a relationship, and should occur. Most of the problems I have had in my past were because I did not get what I put in. Sure, I could say the right words or look the right way, and I am showered…but then it feels fake. So I always chose to tell the person what was wrong with them, so that they would fix it, so that I would like them again. Not love, because true love never leaves you. It defines who you are; but love was not enough for me.
    “He uses LOVE and fakes love, to
    Get you to fall in love
    So that (if you are in love) you feel a responsibility for him, and are weak
    Manipulate you ”
    I have faked love, of course. I need to, almost am bound to. My mother deserves to have a loving relationship with her son. Yes, this is a form of manipulation. Not all manipulation is wrong or hurtful. I do not fake love so that people fall in love or so that they become weak. Their weaknesses become my weaknesses, and this would simply be self-destructive. Honestly, I hate how everyone wants to use love as a reason. If you do not complement the person you are with, you shouldn’t be with them.
    “With this belief that you have met someone who seems so perfect for you, you feel safe to let down your guard, and fall subsequently in love with the sociopath.”
    This is probably correct. I generally fall for people that seem perfect for me too.
    “Because the sociopath has no conscience, he doesn’t care whether this causes you pain.”
    These are true. I started questioning religion only because of my lack of conscience. I also enjoy both hurting or helping people, depending on the person. Helping people obviously comes with more long-term rewards, so generally this is what you get from me. You can come to me with a problem, and I can tell you exactly how to fix it. I can most likely tell you multiple ways of going about it. At the moment, I do not think about hurting anyone. It is more, what can I do to better this situation, or that(hence this particularly long attempt). Put me around hurtful people, and I will choose to hurt them over helping them. I cannot just choose a side. I cannot be good or bad. I am both. I am what you make me. I am a reflection, after all.
    “The sociopath thrives to
    Be in control
    To win”
    haha, yes. Or maybe that is the testosterone talking. Winning is important to me. I do like to win at any cost. I like being in control or working as a team. I do not do well being told what to do; although, you could just ask and it would happen 99.9% of the time.
    “Duping others, conning, and winning, obtaining what he wants by deception can give the ultimate high. They suffer from boredom, and are not restricted by either
    Moral compass, responsibility for anyone else
    Emotions and feelings for anyone else except themselves”
    This is oxymoronic. If it gave the ultimate high, I would not be bored. No…the ultimate high probably comes from either taking a life, or saving one. I personally have never duped, conned, or decieved anyone out of boredom. It is more rewarding to break a rule than it is to hurt someone. You gain more power, freedom, and confidence(as long as you don’t get in trouble) from just breaking the rules. People have a moral compass(very flawed generally) only because of what they have learned. That is why so many people seek religious guidance to help them with their own darkness. It is different for me. I am not ashamed of my darkness, because it has its purposes. I wish that I could control it better though. For all the control that I have over other people, self control is so hard to maintain. We all have our weaknesses. I am restricted by other people’s emotions and feelings. There are things I wish I could do to help balance this world out, but generally people wouldn’t understand.
    “Love to the sociopath means three things:
    Control
    Ownership
    Source for supply”
    This is not true of myself. It is hard to explain WHAT love means to me, because love is not an object that can be defined, it is a place. It is an unfathomable height, and I suppose this is why it is hard to move on for people. This is sad. For anyone reading this that feels like they don’t know what to do to move on, you need to understand that you just weren’t right enough for us. Blaming it all on the other person will help you cope with the pain on a day to day basis, but it will never give you true closure because its not the truth. relationships fail because of both people. It is good to look at both sides of things, regardless of how hard you have to search. I am currently iffy on the no contact thing. I suppose if you just cannot move on, no contact is the best choice. Good luck to everyone.

    1. Sorry I haven’t been around for a few days. I am responding to comments backwards. I thank you though for offering your feedback and the perception from a sociopath perspective. I am sure it will be helpful for someone. I do think that while patterns of behaviour do repeat. Behind the sociopathic mind is an individual. Patterns in brain might repeat. But everyone is an individual. I believe so. Of course I am limited to write from my own perspectI’ve of repeated patterns of behaviour witnessed. I witnessed enough to write of the commonalities, while also appreciating that all of those were still individual people.

      To me, to say all people who are sociopaths are the same, would be as ridiculous as saying all people with ptsd are the same. Patterns do repeat and this can be written about but everyone still has their own individual self…. Including sociopaths (I believe)

  20. I suspect a relative of mine is a sociopath. He uses everyone, family or otherwise, and seems to almost feed off people’s problems and insecurities – he seems to love nothing more than seeing you depressed, so then he can compare you to him and brag about how great he’s doing. He even justifies scamming people (i won’t go into detail), saying he only does it to people who can afford it. Whenever people question him about what he does wrong, he’s all “yeah I know” and laughs it off, then continues anyway, and he’s hypocritical a lot of the time too – It’s almost like he believes only he is allowed to think or do certain things, other people who do the same thing or even less than him are wrong.

    He changes his opinions about things constantly too and is very good at manipulating people and for some reason he’s impossible to argue with. You just never win, EVER.

    I only suspect he is, so I could be wrong. Just adding to the conversation, because I’ve been googling and stumbled upon this.

  21. I find this site offensive.
    You act like people choose to be born as sociopaths. It’s something that you’re born with, and there is nothing you can do it about it.
    It’s a very real disease and instead of solely focusing on getting away from sociopaths you should try focusing on ways to help them.
    But what does it matter, I’m a sociopath, not a human being.

    1. Why don’t you try helpjng yourself instead of playing victim and expecting others to do it for you. Even being a sociopath you are still responsible for your behaviour. Try managing it.. it’s not someone else’s responsibility to manage you, it’s yours.

  22. I am reading this and confused, I have a family I love them in my understanding of love. I would die for them because I know I should and I dont particularly see death as a bad thing other than not being here to provide for my family. I am rigid in what I believe is right and wrong. I am aware that I mirror people and analyse people and adapt to get what I want. If someone is upset I just feel awkward as I want them to do it away, I don’t care that they are upset other than it making my life awkward but I would help them if it stopped them feeling upset. I will lie but I won’t hurt someone unless they are causing me a problem. I am very loyal to my family and would destroy anyone that attempted to hurt them. Again because I feel I should. I don’t think I am a sociopath but I know something is wrong. Confused and looking for answers.

    1. Hi Simon,

      If you are loyal to your family, and do not cause problems to people. Do you really feel that you need to have a label? What is a label anyway? What is important, is who you are, and how you feel about yourself, and how you treat others (how you make them feel). There is such a thing as a disempathetic sociopath. This type can have love for people that are close to them, and in their inner circle.

      This is a description of the disempathetic type

      Disempathetic type

      The disempathetic type is able to feel an emotional connection to a restricted group of people. This group may include friends, pets or family members. The sociopath regards people outside of the group as objects. Typically, people have a wide circle of empathy for others; however, many people may feel no compassion for certain people like murderers or criminals. The sociopath differs from normal people by have a tiny group of people whom they seemingly care about.

      You can read more about different types of sociopaths here http://www.ehow.co.uk/about_5371687_types-sociopaths.html

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