If you have been involved with the sociopath, you will have, after a while, become used to their ‘patterns’ of behaviour.
A sociopath loves to deceive to achieve whatever their agenda is. Money, housing, sex, or sometimes just from the dupers delight that they get from conning and deceiving someone. This means that sometimes the sociopath becomes so caught up in their lie, that the distinction between truth and fiction becomes very blurred.
When the sociopath is about to be caught in the lie you will witness the following pattern.
1. Will start a row
2. Will be acusationary towards you about some action that you haven’t done
3. Will shift the blame, and focus attention on you, and what you are doing
4. Will be very dramatic
5. Eyes will be wide and staring making you feel ‘on edge’
6. Will make a small confession that is along the lines of truth, to try to fool you, and make you believe that he is being honest with you now (in case you find out about the lie) – for example ‘I am sorry that I didn’t go to work yesterday, I wanted to tell you, as I didn’t want to lie to you’. Will make a false apology – (I am sorry that will not happen again) if he is cheating, he will tell you that she bombarded him. Whilst behind your back, he is telling the other woman that you are the evil one making him unhappy. A confession and an apology, in the initial stages, is a tact by the sociopath which doesn’t show how much they love you, but instead, allows him further time to use you some more.
7.He would make the apologies and promise not to do it again, but the actions will not appear to be a person who is ‘sorry’. In fact, the sociopath will now be relentless in pursuing you, for something that you have not done, threading an element of truth in with a false accusation, so that your energy is now spent defending yourself.
8. The sociopath will now bombard you with information. You might want to escape, feel uncomfortable, but the sociopath does not care, and will continue to invade your personal space, moving close to you, not giving you breathing space. It will feel like you are being ’emotionally suffocated’ that is because you are!
8. The sociopath will then go one further, and try to elicit pity, and will play victim, and will tell you a story designed to make you feel sorry for him. For you to sympathise with him, and that he is the poor hard done by one.
9. By now you are angry that you have been lied to again, so you react with anger to the lie
10. To detract from this, the sociopath will then attack you for not caring about them, or their problem that they are playing victim about. Of course you do not want to hear their story. It is likely that the story that they are feeding you, is made up and false, they are simply saying this to you, to distract you from the real truth and what they have been dishonestly doing.
11. A sociopath usually knows when he is about to be caught out.
12. If you continue to push for truth in the lies, he will then accuse you of being horrible, thoughtless, uncaring (because you don’t care about his poor victim problem). He will choose a sensitive subject – so you will, when his words are repeated back to you (something like his child is sick, or grandmother is dying) , feel bad, and doubt your own mind.
Get out of the relationship!
This is just one example of ‘crazy making’ behaviour by the sociopath. You will experience this over and over again. What you see, during this time is the man behind the mask. The angry controlling man. You might be stunned when you first witness it. Mr perfect is now vanishing before your very eyes. You want back the kind caring man that you are in love with – and this is the hook which gives the sociopath the opportunity to do this to you again and again.
Not wanting to believe it, and being so hurt, you might feel relieved when he says ‘sorry’ he will tell you that nobody loves you like he does, or that nobody has a connection with you like he does. This might actually be true, because nobody else is faking a connection of love, like he is.
If what you are reading sounds familiar, and you are about to return, stop…, this is a trick. The sociopath loves to play games. He plays games both with your mind, and your life. He has no respect for you or your life, and will take and take and continue to drain you. I recall feeling like I had a financial tap, and he kept taking and giving nothing in return. The sociopath will continue to do this to you, for as long as you allow it to happen.
If you feel like you are going crazy after a relationship with a sociopath, if you feel empty, drained and numb, this is because the sociopath has emptied you, has lived off of you. At the point where you realise the truth, and start to leave, the sociopath will then change tact, and tell you:
- Everyone else in your past has done this to you
- Will make threats to expose you (for anything) he doesn’t care about your welfare
- Will often bombard you, not allowing you time to think and trying to wear you down
- Will shift the blame onto you
You need to see that what is happening is not you. Wake up and see the truth. You are not the crazy one. Whilst you are being systematically driven crazy by the sociopath, the sociopath will switch from sociopathic meltdown – to normality and telling you how crazy you are, and trying to convince you – how much:
They love you more than anyone has ever loved you, the greatest connection you have ever felt!
Get out of the relationship, and stay out of the relationship. Read my articles on NO contact – and how to recover from dating a sociopath. You can get back control of your own life. Your life, your emotions, your mind, and your world would have been hijacked by the sociopath. You need to take back control of you, and of your own life. The relationship that you were being sold was nothing but an illusion.
Words copyright datingasociopath.com
Dating a Sociopath 
Wow. You’re DEAD on! Thanks for sharing. I think this could help so many people and I hope the word gets out there. Sociopaths are SO deadly. They can KILL in order to keep you. Many HAVE killed. My father has and doesn’t blink an eye. IS definitely NOT sorry. Anyway, thanks for posting this.
Thank you!! What happened with your father, did he actually kill somebody?
Thank you for your kind comments! 🙂
I don’t know if the message I started to you got sent or not but in case it didn’t I’ll repeat me self. Sorry … lol But yes he’s killed many. Here are the links where I talk about some of what went on:
http://michelledicken.wordpress.com/2013/03/26/the-lessons-i-learned-from-my-sociopath/
http://michelledicken.wordpress.com/2013/03/27/psychopathsociopath-narcissist-or-both-you-decide/
http://michelledicken.wordpress.com/2013/03/08/on-being-a-strong-woman/
http://michelledicken.wordpress.com/2013/02/26/rising-from-the-ashes-part-1-my-story/
You’ll be busy if you read all that and I certainly don’t expect you to so don’t feel obligated. I just wanted to share with you my experiences with a sociopath. He’s still alive and not able to hurt as many physically.
Oh wow…. no I didn’t see that before. I will take the time to read your posts. Thank you!!
🙂
Thank you! I am trying to get an ebook together. I have now made the posts easier to find by hovering over the catagories at the top, and also easier for me to put into order for the book. Thank you for your support, it means a lot!! 🙂
Keep me posted about the ebook! I’d love to be a customer!
Thank you I will do. Think in the last two months have written about 50-60,000 words. I want to write not just on sociopathy but also on healing and recovery. I am trained as a counsellor, and have worked with people studied life coaching. its not just about understanding them and their damage but focusing on you, and healing you. This is what I want to do. After an encounter with one, can really damage your psyche. I am quite a spiritual person. Do a lot of work on positive thinking and power of the mind. So I want to include this. I hope so anyway, thank you for your support… 🙂
Oh wow! I understand completely how you’d want to focus on recovery. After all, what does any of it matter when there’s no recovery to look forward to. I’ve gone through years of therapy. It is possible to live a somewhat normal life afterward.
It’s so col that you’ve studied life coaching. I have a good friend who’s a life coach too! What an interesting and fulfilling profession! Amyway, I’ll be looking forward to seeing more from you 🙂
I worked almost all of my life actually my adult career with statutory homeless people. Drugs, alcohol, mental health, women fleeing violence, physical health, old age, young people leaving care, single parents, prolific offenders, asylum seekers from war torn countries.
There isn’t much that I haven’t worked with. In 2010, when my daughter died at full term pregnancy due to hospital negligence and her father left 6 days after, i sat on my bed and cried, and said – whatever I have signed up to, I quit!!!
I said, ‘if you are going to make me work with this’…. this is too much. And guess what? I did….
That is my life path. I work with it, and then I help others. Just the way that my life is. It is an interesting life path, that is for sure!! 🙂
You completely just gave me goosebumps. It’s not easy to render me speechless but I think you just did. Where do I start? Wow. You are definitely here for a reason and I guess you’ve sure figured out it’s to help others. What a background! Your poor baby girl. (((hugs))) What kind of man leaves directly after the death of a child? NO heart at all. I’m just so sorry that you had to feel that pain. I’ve had 9 miscarriages and some of them second trimester but thank GOD I didn’t carry them to full term. And medical negligence? How does this till happen?
Wow, yes, mine has 3 black belts and claims to have killed in asia. Hmm…
This was awesome. Where do you get all your insights from? They’re so organized, confident, almost scholarly.
Ah thank you!
Insights are true life. Confidence is often because I am writing as it is happening…. this was as a result of last night psycho meltdown. But also I spent 9 months on a victims forum, and we all experienced same patterns of behaviour. I dated 3 in a row, at a time when I was traumatised and therefore even more observant than normal.
My background is working with people, I studied psychology and have counselling qualifications, in my work, I have likely worked with hundreds of aspd and sociopaths maybe thousands over 27 years. …
Writing in a scholarly way, could be from type of work I was employed to do, studying in an English University, and I am English too? Thank you for your comments!! 🙂
Oh gosh, I dated 3 in a row too. How did you stop the cycle?
Thank you so much for posting your insights . The whole time I was reading I kept thinking yes that is exactly what happened in my relationship! Crazy making ! I kept catching my bf dating sites however he always some how made it my fault. The last straw was when I caught him with Craigslist ads with his picture soliciting sex from women. Truly no shame or guilt ! He said they accidentally got posted with other work ads he posted. He then said they were from when we were broken up when I established that was not true . He said the ads were made after a bad fight that was of course all my fault. I am choosing no contact even though he continues to email me either that I am a cold hearted bitch to I love you and miss you your my only friend (pity inducing) . In the past I have fallen for this. However because of articles like this I have read on sociopaths I am staying strong and will not contact him. Thank you for helping me recover from this truly evil man
Thank you for all your hard work. I just recently ran across your blog and it’s refreshing and helpful to say the least. I too have been with three in a row. The first one I had a daughter with and he was abusive in all ways (physically, mentally, emotionally, verbally). When she was two, he was in a car crash that left him with severe TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) and is completely incompetent (not oriented at all to person, place, or time). It’s a very terrible thing but I also see it as a blessing. His family was loaded and we battled in court to the tune of 20,000.00 because he wanted to take my daughter. That was 10 years ago. Second one I married…totally different then my daughter’s father. Very quiet, laidback, not verbally abusive at all (well he was, but didn’t yell, curse, or lose control on the outside…but on the inside was a different story). I’d thought I met the man of my dreams and he tore my world apart. Was with him for 7 years…3rd one I started dating a year ago. After a few months I noticed all the red flags (because I’d been to support groups and learned all about the psychopathy)..still hung out with him but kept my guard up. Needless to say he’s a classic textbook case, minus the physical abuse, and I just don’t know why I keep ending up with these men? All three were different on the outside but the same on the inside with their methods and so forth…I believe my mother is one, and I believe that’s how I keep ending up with them. I learned what the meaning of love was from her but due to my spiritual walk with God, my heart, and my nature I haven’t turned into one myself (how I don’t know)…anyway…going the no contact route right now with number 3 and it’s hard. I actually SAW him for who he was and thought I could handle it. I thought we could just be friends because he truly is a lot of fun to be around….boy was I wrong. So everyone, if you see it in someone…GET OUT…don’t think you can handle it just because you recognize it. They can still fool you and you can still potentially fall for them. I feel so stupid and hurt. 😦
Well said!!!
Thank you 🙂
Thank you so much for this blog. I’m crying just reading this. This is helping me so much. You have no idea. It’s all so accurate to who I’ve given my life to the past year. I was obsessed with this man that I cut all ties with friends. I didn’t need anybody else as I had my “one”. He controlled me. I thought I was happy but he also ignored me. Cheated. Had odd thoughts on life, religion, sex and women. Made me feel uneasy about at first but changed my views to his way of thinking. I feel so ridiculous that I have fallen for his lies.
Remember, that you are the normal one. You will be the one who can go on to have normal relationships in the future (just don’t jump in too quick, heal from this). You are not alone and you are not stupid either. It is the way that they are. He manipulated and conned you, because you ARE a nice person. He found your weaknesses and exploited them for his own gain. This is more a reflection on him than you!
I went through the ending multiple times (we split last summer and he only finally left my life yesterday) … honestly. Each time it was just more of the same.
But it is so hurtful, when you realise that the man you were in love with, didn’t really exist. It was all a myth and a lie. That is all he is, an empty shell and a lie. My ex would say to me ‘I can be whoever I want to be remember’…. as we stayed friends the last 9 months he taught me a lot. He knew what I knew, and would read my blog. So, it is true….. he was a charismatic sociopath. Charming to my face, behind my back causing destruction.
I too gave up my friends, and ended up isolated. That again is common and more a reflection on him and control…. than you.
Can you call your old friends? at least you didn’t get married and have kids??….. you would have been stuck with him. The pain will go, it just takes a while, and the best thing to do is NO contact. None, not email, facebook, text, phone calls. Block him from your life.
I cant stop reading your article..omg you knew her!!!!!!!!! Of course you describe all about her..and how I feel..and how Im feeling…crazy down.. coming to a grip that was 3 years was all lies..all she ever felt for me is nothing! is all lies..she does not exist! She told so many sad stories as a way to reach out for me when I try to leave her.. she would do things and say things she knew I would like to read.. and was all sex..she wanted everyday..and if not..if I was not into..oh I was like a old married boring couple ..and then came the put downs.. I was getting old..and blah blah..
Once I left her she told me some crazy story ..she was such a poor ting..such a victim!
Im so glad she is gone…if I can only never enter her yt to see her new love posts.. I hate me for doing it..I will win and not enter!!! But hey at least I gave her no reaction!
If they call you on your birthday what do you do??I never want to know from her again..loser!
Thanks so much thanks!!!
Thats my husbands ex sociopath he dumped her and she did all of that so he would stay with her what i dont understand and maybe you can help me . She is married and my husband , when he tried to pull away she woul beg and cry and wouldnt leave his side fo 2 weeks, what was she telling her husband ?
This is a great site?
Omg !!! I feel like you have written about my life. So much so i looked around the house for hidden cameras. Even the one video about lying of having cancer. When he told me, I just broke down with uncontrollable sobbing. When I looked up at him he seemed as if he was getting off on it. That’s when I new there was something wrong. And then everything went to hell after that because he knew I was on to him. But this evening I am happy to say he is gone for good. It’s gonna be tough with no money coming in now, and bills are due. But I’m strong, and I’m looking forward to my health improving. Thank you !
Yup. Had a best friend who was a Sociopath and I also dated one. They are VERY controlling people indeed and will only damage you in every singe way possible…the best thing to do is to cut them off COMPLETELY and NEVER look back, and I mean EVER!
Absolutely Luxia!!!
Having been through this experience, I listen to songs differently. I’m wondering if some of the writers haven’t been with socios… Morningside by Sara Barallies seems to be talking about crazing making behavior. I also was amazed how Kelly Clarkson’s, You Love Me, sounds so much like a socio flipping the script to hid his own inadequacies. Or, maybe it is all just too close to home to me right now and everything sounds like the story of my life.
This website has literally saved my life. I have been so ill… and then I found this blog… it woke me up instantly… And I saw the light! THANK YOU!
Thank you for being part of this blog. Every comment is part of this post as well as the posts. Thank you for being part of the community.
Oh my gosh this site is just so spot on of my relationship with my ex. I hate that everything is so spot on because it makes me feel foolish. But I am glad I’m not the only one taken in by one and that people can get past it. That loving you more than anyone and having a more intense connection than anyone before, that was totally him. He convinced me I was different than all the rest, that he really loved me and we were two peas in a pod, even after we split up. We only split up because I ended up not being able to move and we were in a long distance relationship. But he kept me talking the whole next year with things like our deep connection and how he could never hate me, he’ll always love me and we’ll always have that bond. He’ll always have special feelings for me because I was such a big part of his life. How can you NOT believe that when you hear it from someone you love?! It’s just SO sad that it’s not true. So sad. I’m still trying to wrap my head around it. I don’t want to believe it.
It is not that you are foolish many of these posts (this one included) was written as it was happening or maybe it had happened half an hour before. He was reading my blog. I was writing it to him… – as it was happening breaking down the behaviour. That is why it probably seems so spot on. It is factually accurate (for him) and when the behaviour repeated I often found I went to write the post and realised that I already had – and identical pattern of behaviour again.
I jus got out of a 2 n a half yr relationship with a socio. All the ups n downs n him tryin to hide the truth n flip things to his advantage. I look back at the beginning and how he would cry to me about how bad his x gf treated him. ” which now his x gf and I are friends” I know all! We both tried to give him the world n made him our world all for a lies n cheating. N just like I read he felt me catchin on to him and moved on to a new supplier n lied til the end. We were already broke up but were gonna work on things when I find a pic of him and the new girl/victim on this girls FB wall. This was rt after I hung up the phone from speakin wit the socio n him sayin I love u etc. I confronted him IMMEDIATLY and he tried to hang up n avoid me then finally after I kept at it he said I don’t want u I don’t love u anymore leave me alone. Really hurt n still does n i know n the future he will try to worm his way back in again , NEVER AGAIN FOR ME! It’s now been almost 2wks no contact with a few strange blocked calls n him unblockin me from FB last wk , which I don’t know why he did but I blocked him right away. Also he txt me a couple times to contact me and some lame excuse for doing so . Which I said leave me alone .From wht I’ve heard he’s with tht other girl now n has everyone fooled including her tht he’s mr perfect, “one of the good men left” which the girls brother said . If they only all knew he was still tryin to pull the bs over my eyes up until the very end n be with me and tht new girl. Really sad ! He’s headed for jail though to be honest for hitting his x gf n Beatin her up which her and I getting together talkin helped her and she finally pressed charges besides the state . It’s truly sad that we are the true victims and give so much time , energy, and money n my case all to help this person I so deeply loved n in the end it was all a lie. I know I will get through this and am stronger than ever now. Closure wasn’t easy to get but I found it thru myself and others that knew the real him. God help him n any1 that is in his life now cuz they gonna need it.
And to add somthing else . After I found out about this girl he didn’t just go away tht easy. We argued and argued for hrs and the threats came out his mouth n him casting blame on me and makin things up. Like sayin I was talkin to other men when I was faithful . Him making excuses for why he started being with someone else n of course it was all my fault …… WHATEVER HES FULLA SHIT!!!!! only thing I’m guilty of is pouring out my heart n energy into a nothing person. Wish he would realize wht he does and i know he never will.
Don’t blindly!We must believe ourself.