YOU ARE PARANOID!!! Three words said by the sociopath, both to you, and about you. In fact, what is happening to you, is so bizarre you actually think that this could be true. Maybe you are losing your mind, maybe you are becoming paranoid?
You start to have ‘odd’ thoughts in your head. Thoughts about other people. Feelings that you have been betrayed. People that you thought were your friends, seem to distance themselves. Or you feel uncomfortable around other people. After a while, you don’t feel comfortable in others company or being out and about, you start to lose your independence and sense of freedom.
Being involved with a sociopath is a difficult task, as they play with your mind. They do this deliberately. The sociopath engineers situations so that you start to question your mind. This is called gaslighting. When the sociopath wants to ‘capture’ you, or if he/she feels that you are escaping (before they are ready to let you go), they will play mental games with your mind. This is not like the emotional abuse of a narcissist, this is often far more subtle (until the narcissistic rage occurs). It is designed to wear you down, and break you.
It isn’t simply ‘weak’ people who are victims to sociopaths. The sociopath also likes a challenge. They enjoy playing the game and like to bring down people who are intelligent and successful, they especially like those who are boastful about what they have to offer (and take). As well as the usual victims, people who are grieving, who are looking for someone to fill a void in their life, people who are lonely, people who are not over their ex, people with their own issues etc….
You might think it is a good trait to be generous, to talk about what you have to offer. To be sharing. It is, unless your partner is a sociopath. They will see this as you offering to give them all that you have (and they will design a strategy to take it).
How paranoia is created
- Accusing you of things that you haven’t done
- Making derogatory comments (very subtle ones), then saying ‘you are being silly’ if you become upset
- Lying and being deceitful, then accusing you of being paranoid if you come close to the truth, and challenge
- Outwardly telling lies, and when you question those lies, feigning hurt and playing victim, to make you out to be the bad guy (why are you so uncaring and cold?)
- Telling you ‘everybody says’… leading you to believe that others are talking about you
- Making comments about friends/Family
If you become upset, or question these things, the sociopath will say that ‘you are being paranoid’. The words that are said to you, the actions that don’t quite match the words, the constant questioning and accusations, all of these things can make you feel paranoid, insecure, it is designed to knock you off balance. When you are off balance, the sociopath then has full control over you, and can manipulate you further.
After the relationship has ended
It is usual after a relationship with a sociopath (especially if you date more than one in a row), to still have these thoughts in your head. This is because:
- You have been emotionally/mentally abused
- Your sense of reality has been played with by continual lying and mind games
- Seeds of negativity have been planted in your head, about you, and everyone and everything around you
- You have been made to feel used and worthless
- Likely you have also been left with not only significant losses, but also isolation
What you need to do to recover
The most important thing that you need to do, is to give yourself TIME. Time is an important word. You might feel lonely, but this is OK, at least initially, it gives you time to focus on you. To become centred and grounded again.
Because the sociopath is expert at knocking you down, of manipulating your emotions, of exploiting your weaknesses, you can lose your sense of reality. In fact you can lose connection to what is real in your world.
Time will give you the following
- Space to re-assess your life with your own eyes, your own thoughts
- Time to focus on you
- Time to make plans for the future (don’t be afraid of the future) – you are a survivor, if you can survive the relationship with the sociopath, you can survive many things in life
- Time to assess what you have learned from the experience, and to make changes within you, and your life to ensure that the same thing does not happen again
- Time to breath and discover who you are
- Time to do what you want, and see who you want, go where you want
- Most of all, time for recovery
It is important that you allow yourself time to heal and recover. This doesn’t have to be a painful experience. You have the capability to make this experience as painful, or painless as you wish.
You are what you think you are. After an abusive relationship, you need to discover you, find that person in the mirror again. Get your thoughts straight.
The best news of all, is that although the sociopaths mind games can make you feel
- Paranoid
- Insecure
- Low self esteem and self worth
This can be a time to really take a look at yourself. To use the peace and silence to find yourself. Establish No contact – there is healing in silence. it offers you space to think. Space to find yourself. Most importantly it offers you freedom from being abused further.
When you take the time out for you. You start to see reality, as your mind is no longer being manipulated and controlled. Those little comments that sounded just so ‘innocent’…. there is no more. Yes there is silence, and there can be pain within the healing in silence…. but within that healing space, can come peace of mind.
If you allow it!! Take back ownership of you. The sociopath will hijack not only you, but also your mind. Get out, stay out, and stick to No Contact, you will be surprised, without the manipulation and mind control, how quickly you come back to you. This… is healing in itself. Afterall there is no greater loss, than losing yourself!! 🙂
Copyright datingasociopath.com 2013
Dating a Sociopath 
This is truly great. On point. Every word. Thanks
“I know who you are”
“Can’t you see that everybody knows who really is you”
“I don’t want surprises, you need to tell me the truth so I can stand by you (I’m telling the truth, but he wants another truth) “why you can be honest?”
He said so many horrible things about me and I used all my time and energy to prove him he was wrong, that I deserve to be loved by him…I allowed him to do that…no more, never again, nunca mas
Yes!!! Yes Yes!!! I heard all of these things too!!
I felt my brain was going to explode.
Remember it was NEVER about you, from the overwhelming beginning of too good to be true, to the seeds of paranoia (playing you like a fiddle and creating the isolation), keeping you constantly on the defense with the most ridiculous accusations (where were you , you took too long to come home, your car is still hot, when did you get home, sure you were in the store this long, that’s what anyone says when they’re guilty of doing things, etc etc etc., trying to please the never happy sp, HOPING over and over for the overwhelming beginning to begin again and again… but it never quite does. You are blessed. It’s over. It was always about him (if he’s gone, he’s moved on to his new victim and playing the SAME game all over, you can see it). .Sad thing is MANY of the past victims don’t have a clue. He’sa great person to some, no he’s not, he just knows he can get something later or go to that person for something. You are one of the lucky ones because you learned enough with all you’ve read. He’s not just a liar, he’s not just a cheater, he’s not just a user, he’s a SP and you now know what you will never put up with again EVER. It may hurt now and may continue to hurt, but boy how blessed you are, how blessed you are. It’s been five months since my breakup and my life (although at times lonely because we’re so used to having that overly controlling person 24/7, is so much brighter in all aspects). I can easily be involved with another man, but I’m this time waiting for the right one not the one who chooses me, but the one I choose because I’ve finally found the most beautiful love in the world, not the SP who chose me because he knows I have a giving heart. Wish you the best…… “A from the Bay”
Your post gave such clarity for me. Things I had not been able to put into words. Thank you and I wish you blessings as you continue your path of healing. Today I am 60 days NC – getting stronger every day 🙂
Well done you at 60 days!! I hope the more the darkness and chains are being banished. That more light and freedom is flooding into your world 🙂 🙂
Love love love this comment!! Empowering!! Thank you!!
My sociopath went a bit further. First I started getting letters mailed to me, unsigned and no return address, that were of sexual nature. Then he tried to deterimine which neighbor, friend, classmate would do such a thing. In my heart, I knew this was related to him even if he didnt do it himself. Then the remains of birds exploded in my yard when I entered through a privacy gate. The police officer that came out was his client(sociopath was therapist). He would not take a report, said a cat did it. When the socio saw the blood and feathers, he wanted to buy me a knife to carry on me, and did not want me parking in the garage. He offered to sleep on my sofa. I sent pictures to a wildlife expert who wrote in his report ‘this is foul play” no pun intended. Then a woman called and said a bunch of sexual stuff about my boyfriend, then threatened my children. I had the number traced and his ex girlfriend came forth and admitted it. The detective that got this case said that even though the ex made the call, he was sure that the boyfriend was behind it. He wanted me to want him to move in with me. I did park my car on street rather than in garage where it is isolated, but then my car kept getting vandalized. Ya, they want to keep you off balance and feel paranoid, then they will point out the instability to others. I reported him to the licensing board and he was disciplined and required to take an ethics course, but is still practicing in West Virginia. Very sad that with all the complaints against him (there are many) they have not taken his license.
Bratgirl17,
I am sorry for all you went through. You sound like you’ve really got it all together. Sometimes it’s hard for people to stay on top of a what their spath is up to. I remember being new to this abuse, believing I had to defend myself when I did NOTHING wrong. I took it hard! Finding this site made me see things with clarity like you are. I’m very happy that things didn’t get worse. You are doing great! 🙂
with my spath. I was the one asking all the questions. He would leave 20 times a day to run errands. I thought,thats odd,but oh well. I caught him lingering in the driveway at 2 am one time…I got yelled at and was told “your not my mother” than,I caught him,with his shirt off,at the femaile meighbors who lives in the front apartment. I just watched. than when he came out,he went into recovery mode saying she was drugged at his bar,and he was checking on her?!?1 he let her drive home,but was checking on her,with his shirt off,work pants on,hours after she got home. I got yelled at everytime I questioned the questionable, He knew I was reliable and sat at home,like a good little girl,while he was working his bartending gig and had nothing to worry about. Than I would here how crazy I was for thinking certain things…I started to believe I was crazy,and im not sure that Im not….this has been the worst experience,the during and after,I have even been through in my life.
Bobbie,
That is crazy making! We’ve all been through it. Do not feel bad, par for the course. You can start to believe black is white and white is black with these spaths. I have experienced it all. One time he was out and I asked who he was with. He said “it’s unethical to ask me who I’m with over the phone”! Lol! Many crazy things , that’s one example. Gaslighting ! Stay away from him !
I just last weekend found out the truth about the man I spent 6 years with. I feel so battered. He would say to me “Everyone knows you are crazy/bipolar. Everyone warned me not to date you. Why can’t you just tell the truth. You remember nothing” I started actually thinking he was right. I felt for the last year that something was wrong in our relationship. We used to be very social. But I was starting to feel isolated. I couldn’t call anyone from the house or use the phone because I was afraid he was listening. He had been calling my mom, sister, friends telling them horrible lies about me (Just found out recently) Totally disgusting. All the while he would say that if I had been a better person he wouldn’t have done that to me. I made him do it. That he wouldn’t have hacked into my email and emailed himself my personal emails, wouldn’t have sent text messages from my phone, wouldn’t have drugged me, wouldn’t have put a GPS device on my car, wouldn’t have hacked my bluetooth. I deserved this he said. Me became physically abusive in December. I called the police but didn’t want charges pressed because he might lose his job. He raped me. And I kept going back to him. I lost so many friends. He had done this to his ex girlfriend. I met him when he was with her and he said she was psycho. Now I know she wasn’t. He threatened to burn his ex wife’s house down. And I put all of that out of my head because I loved him and loved my home and dogs and thought it could work because he told me it could and I wanted it too. He was even on eHarmony and dating during this period and I forgave him. He said he’d kill himself if we couldn’t fix it. I’ve been used and abused and didn’t see it until it was too late.
This website has been incredible. Thank you for the time and efforts you’ve taken to educate us all on such a devastating and destructive behavioral disorder. The truth really does set you free. I think these types of relationships are a lot more common than people think.
Anyway, I’m a musician myself and huge music fan. Perhaps I’m reaching, but I listen to songs and you can almost swear they’re written specifically about relationships with sociopaths. I guess even musical icons can even become suspect to being conned. They’re the biggest trophies of all.
To name a few specific songs:
Aerosmith-Crying
Limp Bizkit – Nookie (read the lyrics I swear) Think of the sexual association we have
Maroon 5 – Runaway, and “I’ll never leave this bed”
Rolling Stones- Stealing my heart
I’ve included a link to youtube for a song by Taking Back Sunday called “Bike Scene”. I urge you to read the lyrics. I’m sure anyone who has in fact dated a sociopath will completely identify with this song.
So hopefully this might help some give you some solace. Most people would probably never guess that Stephen Tyler, Adam Levine, and even Mick Jagger…. would ever be susceptible to this, but I have a feeling they’ve experienced too.
Cheers!
Thank you for the links 🙂
My favorite is Gloria Gaynor “I will Survive!” Listen to those lyrics “Spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong!” “You are back from outer space!” “You were the one who tried to break me with goodbye!” “To mend the pieces of my broken heart!” and “You think I would crumb and break down and died!” ” As long as I know how to love I will survive!” This is my theme music!!!!! She is talking about a SP!!!!! LOL! Stay strong everyone! It gets better!!!
Definitely, great insight! Thanks for sharing!
I would bet sociopathy and other anti-social personality types are much more common than even known. Most people probably just aren’t aware of what they are dealing with when there are problems, or they get out fast, or the timing doesn’t work out, etc. But, yeah, I’m sure you’re right that artists are bound to be Big Game targets.
Definitely “King Fish” or “Big Game” like you said. Artists and creative types are some of the most sensitive types out there. Also have very large social status.
Few more songs to add to the list.
Rolling Stones – Miss You, Start Me Up
Hunter Hayes – In a Song
I think that this also shows that you cannot subject this disorder to only one gender.
I know this intimately…ive been ‘hearing’ What It Takes- Aerosmith, for days now…”There goes my old girlfriend…with another diamond ring, and of all those late nite promises…I guess they dont mean a thing”
Im thinking my old bf may be singing that tune someday.
Yep know that one too, and would have to agree. I believe “Crazy” by Aerosmith is spot on as well. Clearly there’s a theme with the group.
I’m pretty positive The Who’s “Behind Blue Eyes” is written from the perspective of a sociopath. Obviously I don’t think Roger Daltrey is one. I highly doubt sociopaths have that kind of self awareness or insight to be able to write such brilliant songs based off their limited emotions.
I think the most notorious sociopath (allegedly) in music would have to be Pattie Boyd, She was originally married to George Harrison of The Beatles.
Eric Clapton Fell In love with her when he first saw her. George wrote the song “Something” for her and Eric wrote “Layla”. George and Pattie divorced, and she married Eric…and then soon they divorced as well.
This is so true!!! I’m finding myself again!!!! I can’t believe he isolated me from so many things. As, the relationship was ending I told him he was boring because he didn’t want to do anything!!! I had told him it was like he was doing this on purpose. Just saying no because he wanted to regardless if he thought it was a good idea or not! He told me he was really hurt by my comment of him being boring.
I’ve been getting reconnect with people from my past and everyone I see or talk to tell me I look and sound “HAPPY!” Getting back control of your life is the best thing you can do!!! I’m still dealing with the mind games that he played, but it is getting better. I’m realizing what my relationship was. I know I settle with him!!!! I refuse to settle anymore and when those red flags go on the field I’m going to let it go!!!!! I hope everyone have a wonderful week. Go no contact!!!
Amen… NC is the only way to see 20/20.
I’ve had more people tell me I look happy in the 7 months since my P left than I have had tell me in the last 7 years. The most recent one was when I was out doing yardwork. Oddly though, the realization of what it meant (just how UNHAPPY I had been and for how long), sent me into a bit of a tailspin. Some of this stuff is not easy to process.
Reading your post sounds like an echo to me. I had no idea back then I’d been in this type of “” relationship, ” He totally blew my mind, unlike anyone had ever done,
I didn’t know about sites like this one. I’d read up about personality types etc, but it still
didn’t dawn on me that it had happened to me dispite losing a full art collection, all his debts
being put on my house etc, it was a nightmare,..
I can honestly say hand on heart, this was the worse time of my life and I’ve had some heavy life lessons. The double whammy for me is I have autism spectrum syndrome, it’s taken me 7 years to get back on track, but I’m getting there now.
I stayed on my own though, knew that somehow I’d drawn this dark entity into my reality because of past events, instinctively I knew that. It’s the best thing I could do for myself,
I advocate it in fact. It takes time, it’s taken seven years for me personally to find me. I realised in that time, how little I love I sent towards me, I didn’t count, only the ones I loved, who I spent my life trying to please and also my creativity.
I ripped whatever art was left in my house back then right out of there, smashed models
up, put paintings, metal art etc out on the front for people to take. I ripped out the contents, visually portraying I know now, the fact that my very being had been shattered and my
heart literally ripped out of me. Nothing made sense, I didn’t understand…. Sooo painful, I feel for anyone in this dark place, But please believe me when I say it does get better in the end
I started again from scratch, using my creativity as a healing tool for my mind, nothing could touch me when I was in creative mode.
I had to improvise, there was no money and bailiffs at my door, so I started to build my
trees in the living room, cheap and very time consuming. I worked myself into the ground,
it was the only place where I could stop the mind chatter, balm the deep wounds and begin to heal.
My eyes could see what I was creating, the joy of the results somewhat diminishing the
pain. I did burn myself out on the physical front and have legacies like osteopenia etc from the gruelling work schedule I’d undertaken, but it did help my mind to channel all that awful feeling into something positive, knew from past creativity, that if I forced myself, I would
get better mind wise in the end.
One Day whilst rushing around, albeit feeling really poorly, my legs spasmed up my back and I dropped, in the street too. That was 3/4 yeas ago. I couldn’t do my creative stuff, it rendered me unable to walk properly for a good few weeks. It took a great deal of intensive therapy on myself to get my legs moving properly. ( I believe in the holistic approach )
I have problems walking to this day, but endeavour to reverse what damage I did to myself as a result of this entities actions towards me, both when he was here and thereafter when he’d gone.
To find the positive in this most harshest of life lessons and rise above it, was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do.
I did it though in the end, my legs spasming that day, made me take stock of my own personal self. My life situation didn’t change as such, I did, my way of thinking did.
I’m still single, but at one now, not alone and lonely. Remember when you were young, before boyfriends that feeling of being, not hurt or missing anyone, that’s where I’m at now. Every little thing in my life is much more appreciated, the smallest of things can elate me. That was the gift given, thing previously taken for granted, I now feel blessed to have.
Staying on my own allowed for this gift to come through. My home ( because it is again ) is beautiful, much better than before. Most of all though, I’ve learned to love ME for who I am warts and all that, because I’m unique, we all are, we all have that inside us.
My life is full and I’m more at peace than I’ve ever been.
It’s taken a long time, but I’m getting there. I now feel an inner strength I wasn’t aware of before and have a clarity of thought better than ever before. There REALLY IS a light at the end of the tunnel, a big bright shining sun, brighter than you ever believed possible.
I still have many aversions as a result of past events, but now I’m fully aware of them and gently work through them each day.
If I can get to this place of inner peace, so can all you’s here, anyone for that matter. It doesn’t matter how long it takes, would you rush a child in healing, give a time? I feel that’s the core of all the emotion, it’s the inner child in you that needs the self love and care and ingrained patterns changing, the child that sought love and approval right into adulthood.
You know your inner child better than anyone, so within yourselves is the ability to heal the inner child.
Do you’s remember the things you loved to do as a child? Go and do them now,
be childlike skip around, go on the swings, go play out in the country. Sing, dance, learn
an instrument, paint, draw, do some gardening, try your hand at DIY, try something you never dared try before, there’s no one to stop you now or knock your efforts etc, turn the
fear into excitement, it creates the same feeling in your body, Just in a positive way.
Inside all of us, is that ability.
On what I term a shadow day or days, strive to do something to put a smile on your face, it might be a funny event that evokes one. Every time you feel low, remember you’re letting that entity have power of your thoughts, take your power back, say it out loud, don’t allow their actions defeat you. Light warriors, that’s what we are, full of love, the most powerful
of forces
It’s their loss not yours, you’re through the other side and can now begin to heal, what do they really have? Things, possessions, it’s an empty life path they have ahead devoid
of love and what we sow, we also reap. Trust the bigger picture and be glad that you’re no longer with that dark entity unlike others still there, or about to enter that darkness.
My apologies if I’ve rambled on a bit, a trait of the aspergic mind I’m afraid. 🙂
I rarely write stuff on here that’s personal anymore, hence I tend to let it spill out when it seems fitting to.
Stay strong and remember we’re ALL warriors of love and light, that makes for true survivors. 🙂 Jen.XXX
I love this comment Jen. Art is such good therapy. Do you have a site where you have your work? I love art.
Thank you PG it’s really appreciated. My art has been my life saver literally and yes I have a site arthousewijnton.com If anybody would like any tips on this front, feel free to ask me and I’ll help in whatever way I can. 🙂
Jen.XXX
Thank you Jen 🙂
My pleasure PG. 🙂 I’ve left a reply to your lovely comment and request on the paintings page. Looking forward to hearing from you. 🙂 Jen. XXX
Date: Tue, 12 Nov 2013 18:04:34 +0000 To: powerofwow@live.co.uk
Some of you may know my story. I left my sociopath in the US and went back to Europe. She has tried to contact me, but I held steadfastly to the “no contact” rule. Since I have been back I have flourished; got hired by an Italian company in Como, and went there to headquarters. This is the best revenge on my sociopath, because all that’s written here she did to me and I started to feel inadequate, lonely and selfdestructive. That is al over now!
This blog really helps to limit the sociopath’s destructive impact on our lives. Come back to it often. As people of conscience, we can learn to protect ourselves and our loved ones from the sociopaths daily headgames.
Thanks Hans!! Congratulations on thé new job 🙂 and well done for sticking to no contact.
Congratulations, Hans. You’re proving just how strong you really are, no matter how hard it is. I think a lot of the problem with some of us “normies” is that we just simply want someone to love and to love us back without all of the mind-games. Something is seriously wrong with people who go through life like they do. It’s been 7 weeks for me and I think about him all of the time. I was in the “discard” stage for the 2nd time and with that, I said, “ha, I’m outta here” and never looked back. I do feel him in my dreams sometimes and I got sexual vibes from him as well (although we actually never engaged, but I knew that was his next step). I must admit that I don’t feel 100% victorious, but I do feel like I’ve won a battle and freed myself before he got his hooks in me too much. I felt as if he was trying to disengage from me and move on to someone else that he was looking at, but if she allows it, I can’t do anything about that. I’m just so glad that I got out in time.
Also, congrats on your new job. 🙂 Her loss, not yours.
Fosterchild, I think we all have days where we don’t feel 100% victorious. I know I do. It’s been 5 months since our split and it was almost 3 months no contact before she contacted me again from a number I didn’t recognize. I know I’m at a far greater place than I was in the beginning of the discard but I still have days where I miss who I thought she was. PG is correct though when she says No Contact is the way to recovery. Although I thought about her just about every day, it wasn’t until she contacted me again that I began to wish she was different and things had been different between us. It’s not quite a step back, but I did stumble a little. In all honesty, the more I think about it, the more I think I just miss the companionship and I am just lonely more so then missing her. Especially since because of this site and the many books I’ve read over the past few months, I know that she was not real. Just an illusion to my wants and needs. All of us here have the knowledge that we need to move past these parasites, we just have to use our heads more often than our hearts when it comes to the love they can (or I should say can’t) provide. I too am glad I got out when I did. She could have taken me for far more than she did. In fact, I sometimes wonder if she had pity on me because she DIDN’T take me for everything. Even when I offered it. But then again, that’s probably giving her too much credit. Ha ha
You’re so right JD – I miss the companionship and all and wished so much that he was real and wasn’t out to hurt (or not give a hoot if he did) and that’s what I crave. I’ve had 3 p-path relationships and I’m actually afraid to get involved now. I don’t know whether to trust people (romantically) or not. I feel like I have the word “target” tattooed on my forehead that I can’t see but they can. There have been times where I would really think hard about him, but then I’d come to myself and try to get my mind on something else. But the thoughts would come back. I hate that and I’m still going through that now. I feel calm now, but so lonely. However, not to the point of going back to a dangerous situation. I’m what they call a “runner”. I always run from relationships, whether it’s been my doing or on the part of the p-path. I’m one who doesn’t like confrontation and when I see it getting heated I back off. I’ve left all 3 nightmares running (being stalked) because that’s the only way I knew to cope and I still do it to this day. I’m trying to do more reading on what causes these types to be drawn to me so quickly. The last guy (nightmare) had a beautiful girl wanting him and she still does. I would consider myself to be beautiful as well, but this girl has about 20 years (less) on me, yet here he is (with her right beside him) staring at me non-stop, not caring if she saw him or not apparently. I told my sister, “he’s not right in the head” – there’s just something not right about him. He is well liked by everyone and they don’t seem to see it. It’s as if he knows how to hide that side of him from certain people and others, well, he shows it full blown. Yes, the illusion can be such a let down, but you are fortunate that she didn’t take you for all you had, especially with you offering it to her. However, I wouldn’t give her credit though. I think she had other plans for you up her sleeve and they weren’t good plans either. Remember, it’s all about games with these people. Pity? Not hardly, I don’t think these people know the meaning of the word. Be glad you got away with most of your things as well as your sanity. Stay strong with the No Contact.
I think the reason others are so blinded by his charm is for the same reason you were, we don’t initially go around thinking people don’t have our best interests in mind and are out to use and abuse us. Especially those that claim to love us and want to spend an eternity with us. This was my first spath relationship and I was lucky enough to stumble upon this site while trying to deal with the depression and lack of understanding of what had just happened to me. I didn’t search sociopath, I searched “why does someone that claims to love you all the sudden ignore you and treat you like you don’t exist”. Once I began reading all the posts and how everyones experience was so very similar to mine, I knew what I was dealing with. The problem is that most people don’t ever discover what they were dealing with so they don’t know what to look for with the spath’s behavior. Most of us empaths like to believe in soul mates and true love fairytales so when someone tells us that they feel like we are their soulmate and expresses their heartfelt emotions toward us, we can’t believe how lucky we are. Never would I have believed this would happen to me and now that it has I am fearful of opening myself up to another. I totally understand how you feel. I don’t even want to put in the effort to go out and meet new people and do the whole dating thing of setting up dates, getting to know someone and establishing a connection. I know time will change this feeling, at least that’s what I’m hoping anyways. It’s just so frustrating because you felt like everything you’ve always dreamed about you had and like some cruel nightmarish twist, it’s been stripped from you. As far as my ex, she may very well have had other plans for me but because I saw her mask slip and began calling her on her actions, I think she began looking for another source. She was deliberately avoiding my calls, coming home late and finally I had had enough and asked her to leave (she was staying at my home). So perhaps I asked her to leave before her plan was fulfilled or perhaps she was getting away with so much already, she figured any more would be pushing her luck. Either way, she is someone else’s problem now. I honestly wish her the best but I, like you, know that there is no going back to that. I would rather be alone than to wonder if I’m being lied to, cheated on or just simply used.
You sound so much like me talking, JD. I think we all (sadly) need to learn the art of how to protect our heart without locking everyone out. It’s sort of like building a wall, but at the same time, we need to learn how to let only certain ones in. I’ve often been told that I’m too naïve because I always want to believe the best in people. But I’m also learning that this can be dangerous for me as there are those out there who love to take advantage of someone like that. We’re ripe for the pickin’ for these people who swoop right in to do their damage. I only wish we could put them all on an island somewhere and just see how they interact with one another. I think it was said somewhere that it wouldn’t work because they’d be too busy trying to one-up on each other, which is why they look for folks like us who are unsuspecting and don’t have an agenda. The only way it would work would be if it was a combination of them and narcissists together (lol).
I’m not quite sure that I understand what is REALLY wrong with the people, though. Is it that their brains aren’t wired correctly or is it something traumatic from their childhood that caused them to be this way? A lot of people have had trauma in their childhood and lives and although it hurts like the dickens, it doesn’t cause them to become these type of psychotics. I’m soooo glad that I have compassion and empathy for others. I just couldn’t imagine being that way – it would be a miserable existence in my opinion. Just the idea that you literally have to fake (imitate – mirror) the emotions of others because you don’t have any of your own is sad to me. I thought the length of your search words was funny because mine was “why do psychopaths love you one minute and trash you the next”. I had no idea this site existed until a couple of weeks ago and I’m very happy to have found it because it validates that I’m really not crazy, but have been involved with those who aren’t sound in their heads. When you talk to others who have no clue what you’re talking about or what you’re going through, it tends to make you feel alone and even question if you’re just imagining some of this stuff. This group has been fantastic because I now see that if you hang around people like this too long, you can get sick as well. That’s why the No Contact is such a heart saver. It allows us to re-evaluate who we are, what just happened to us, and to validate that we really are worthy of a wonderful relationship (one day), but the healing has to begin first and the No Contact begins that process for us. Yes, it’s great that she is no longer your problem anymore and hopefully the next person will wise up before it’s too late as well. Sometimes being alone is not so bad if we use that time wisely to be thankful, to laugh, treat ourselves to good things that we deserve, and to replace negative emotions with positive emotions of good thoughts about ourselves. We really are winners – we just have to start to believe it about ourselves. The longer we stay away from these people, the more we’ll begin to see that.
fantastic post. Really good advice. I’m sorry it is needed.
Thank you. I am sorry it is needed too!!
I was devalued and dumped….. He could be described as charmingly insidious. I have been in the no contact mode for five months now. I don’t want him back… No more of that kind of pain…..that he loves me,he loves me not, a crazy roller coaster ride. One day he tells you, your the closest he’s ever felt to another human being, the next day he cheats.WOW!! I was blindsided/heartbroken felt my world till of the axis. His concerns are only for himself. I have never met anyone so selfish and so self serving. He is a pathological liar. In the beginning he persuied me relentlessly. I thought he was intelligent and confident. I should have know something was badly wrong with him, when his ex-wife ask me if I knew he was crazy? No, I didn’t know, but I surly do know now!! I did my research, he is classic, by the book, sociopath Cares nothing about anyones feelings or needs but his own. What a waste of six years of my life. His words and actions never matched up. All I want to do is purge him out of my thoughts and life. I cared so deeply, as I am considered an EMPATH. He basically took a dump on me emotionally. What a Persian troll he is. He’s a cosmetic dental surgeon. Anytime I said he is a dentist, he would scold me and say he’s a surgeon. BlaBla…..Yes he is a skilled dental surgeon, but come on- stop acting like your superior that all others!
,
Hi I edited your name as it gave your email address. Welcome to the site. if you want to post again, use a different name other than your email, I edited it to ‘dee’ 🙂
There are lots of empaths and spiritual people here you will see. Well done to you for keeping to no contact. I dont want to make light of it…. but i hope he did your teeth for free 🙂
My spath was supposed to clean the carpets,went golfing instead,came back and announced he was moving out. what the? Or…I hate this place we live in…I love this place we live in….or,”Im a good guy” or “I don’t deserve you”….they should line up every unemployed person and shoot them. That was after I lost my job as a nurse at the same company for 11 years. Or how bout “babe,what am I going to do?” him…”Id get a gun if I were you”
I am new here. I have been up reading every post, nearly all nite and most of today. This site is like a lifeline now. Its strength, hope, validation, sanity and proof that ive not lost my mind or myself. I have a 9 year story to share…and i would like to, at some point. Like many who are here, we could all write entire books…
I am not completely out and away from him…we are tangled, and there are many loose ends. I go back and forth , re-reading the posts…and so many share my story as well. I have hours of steely conviction and strong self worth and then, Im weak, looking again for a sign that Im wrong.
Mine is a story of wild fairytale beginnings, clandestine meetings, sexual fetish, partners in crime, soul mates, rock stars, divorce, long distance relationship, toxicity, control, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, threats,silent treatments, isolation, financial fuckery, facebook, drugs and abandonment. I am fragile. I feel brief moments of “me” , then they fade and im scared, ugly, I want to hide, die, feel i lost everything I was…and I was something wonderful.
Im crying writing this…I hope to begin to write here, on this wonderful blog, in order to purge it..share it, and put it outside of myself. It eats me alive.
Welcome to the site Tiara, We can all relate to where you are now in some form or another. It’s a long and hard road but at the end it is paved in gold and light. xx
Thanks, It is done…
Ill keep the thought especially when I have the crushing lows. The thing about getting “done” by a SP, is…its a cyclical kind of abuse…comes round and round, til it mind fucks you so bad that you dont know whats real and whats fake, you loose your ground, good sense and thats when the doubt comes in…all of this, is addressed spot on in this blog.
I have a long way to go…and i know its gonna hurt.
I cried every day, every hour, for at least 2 months and then for another month every day and then another month every few days. Even though i knew what he was, it still hurt. It is full on. but it does slowly get better. I dont’ cry anymore over him. It’s been 5 months since discard. I am a better person than i ever was before.
I actually got off lightly as when we got back together, after our last break up, i was aware that i had started to loose myself and as a previous bf had destroyed me with the same techniques, i had sworn i would never go that way again. So I had been standing up to him more and more therefore his gaslighting and manipulation techniques werent working and really having the opposite affect. The result that i was not as badly brainwashed as i could have been. Also, once he realised that i wasn’t going to break, and therefore get what he wanted easily, he dumped me like a hot potato.
My name comes from my last words ever spoken to him…”There is nothing left to say Nigel, go away…. It is done!” I was done with him.
When there are no words left. Nothing left to say. You know it is done.
Exactly Pos. I knew that nothing i could say would change who he was or take away the damage that he had done. It was over. There were no words left.
I love your name!! I am looking for my tiara too, I suspect my ex stole it along with all my other things, maybe the current is wearing it? Lol!!!
Hi…thanks …normalisboringsoiheard
Its usually found where I last left my keys ❤
Omg – so that’s why I can’t ever find my purse either – explains volumes! Lol!
haha…
hers is an interesting thought… i constantly used to loose my keys/phone/purse when i lived with the soc… and yet now i dont seem to have this problem a quarter as much…
I think they take our things, I literally have had my ex steal everything. GONE. Things he didn’t want, appliances, kitchen utensils, ladder, whatever, I didn’t secure at my fathers house. Then say I was crazy and he’s not a thief, the kids brought it back from his house. (Sad I know)!
I don’t know why this comment made me smile, as having your things stolen is so horrible to experience (it happened to me too), I think they do that deliberately. To play with your mind (where are those things gone?) and to take ownership and control (if they cant have you they will take your things) – also like trophies …. ugh…. absolutely crazy!! I am glad your kids brought it back from his house – now tell you that you were crazy and it didn’t happen!! 🙂
Actually, it was my youngest sons photos from his birth, he told wife #2 that’s my moms, and put it in his backpack and brought it back. He was 7. Same women who tied him to a chair. He was so proud when he retuned my book to me. I was so sad, because I knew he stole it. But who would he answer to? He knew it was mine! How do you teach right and wrong? Frustrating. I could only cry.
Regarding the ladder, he would leave it outside knowing it was mine just to piss me off 😡
I dont know if you are meaning to be funny normal…. but your descriptions do make me laugh. As i have been with ridiculous too. where things are just so ridiculous it is beyond belief. When I look back now i can just laugh. Attention seekers that they are.
It’s sad and funny, because what normal person does this? It’s been several years – but damn he left my ladder out in the front yard of his house to taunt me, oh I was so mad at the time!! I never said a word! He wanted reaction! I wasn’t going to give it. I left with my clothes and possessions prior to marriage, he even found a way to get some of these items back, (via my mother)!! So when I say I can laugh about things, I truly can!
They would purposely hide your items, like my would hide my IPad too! Then he would sit there on the bed or chair with this strange look on his face like he enjoyed watching me look for my items. With me knowing I just had it being confused but if I blame him he would lie about it or get upset to where you would just drop the whole issues. Because I didn’t want to hear his screaming and him being upset.
And then tell you oh you are so forgetful!!
They are so pathetic!
Oh yes, The many times that i was looking frantically for my keys and would feel so much more anxiety because he was standing there waiting for me… One time i had to catch the train because i couldnt find my car keys… he miraculously found them before i got home. With that wry grin on his face.
funny how i barely ever loose them now… i do suspect that he hid them a lot.
Normalisboring, the only thing i ever asked him to do (you know those little things) was to put the toothpaste in the holder and he woudl never do it. But i was expected to put absolutely everything in the place he wanted it to be. Did you ever see that movie sleeping with the enemy with Julia Roberts? everything had to be exactly where he wanted it… yet he couldnt put the toothpaste in the toothpaste holder. He seemed to get a perverse joy out of it.
Aragh sleeping with the enemy, that reminds me of the guy i dated after my daughters death. That film ran through my head as my blood ran cold. Over a year after we split he sent me a text saying I am sorry, I know how I treated you was abuse, and I am sorry…. I didn’t reply.
Yes I know all to well, funny remove the NS, and you no longer feel like your losing your mind!! No one trying to make you feel ugly, crazy, worthless or stupid. What I find very interesting, is in the US in the early 1900’s people diagnosed as NS where deemed a danger to self and others and institutionalized. How the term “mentally ill” has changed in 100 years. Hmmmm.
In the uk it used to be called ‘moral insanity’ …. they would be locked up in the workhouse with the label ‘lunatic’ …
Hmm, “moral insanity”. I will have to find the link, I bookmarked it somewhere.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moral_insanity
Mine was four years. With my “best friend” from fourth grade. We hadn’t seen one another in 30 years. I was vulnerable. Thought he was, too, and had great empathy for him. He almost destroyed me, financially and emotionally. Hoping I can salvage my marriage to a wonderful man who did not deserve this (altho we had many longstanding issues in our marriage). I have had NC for four months. Been very difficult, but this site has saved me. Wish I had had the support years ago. But will not beat myself up anymore, and neither should you. The SPs are experts at deceiving us. Share anytime you want. I understand.
Welcome to the site Carol. I have changed your name as it displayed your surname 🙂
I agree girl! TIME is everything!!!
I am going on 2 and a half months and just as miserable. I miss him so very much but what is just really hurting is the discard, he is a very mean person, never would of ever thought of him doing this to me 😦 UGH!!!!!! never saw this side and having a very hard time understanding, I know what he is but it does not make the hurt any better. I can not wait until this time next year – maybe the hurt will subside – i hate everything
not sure where that name came from oops
it is done>
Thank you for the encouragement…i cry only at night. I know he is with someone new , having thrown me aside..as bad as he is for me, my feelings were real , genuine, deep and I still love him, even though i deserve someone true.
He was my blood…i gave everything to him.
i completely relate to your words… including the someone new. It is incomprehensible for us to relate to how he could just throw everything we had aside and replace us like we were a commodity. My god. The love, happiness, joy, pleasure in each others company, the million things we did, the future we had planned, the adoration i felt for him and he said he had for me… how could that just be thrown aside? with out a second thought? no discussion, no fight, no reason, but that is what he did. and the only answer is that he did not feel what i felt. Much, if not all was fabrication. I struggled with this for so long.
Focus on the bad things that he has done to you. Well, that is what helped me. Every time i started thinking of how wonderful we were and how could he have done this to me, i would think about the day i had a miscarriage, or the smirk on his face when i confronted him about going on EHarmony, or the lies that i caught him out on or the million and one other things that i suspected or could prove happened. and come here and read those posts over again that you relate to. that remind you that he really is a sociopath. Eventually it does sink in.
You say that you are still tangled… try and untangle… get others to do it for you, really try and break complete contact or he will try and get you sucked back in. Run as far from him as you can, what you can do without, leave behind… just get away. They are evil.
<it is done & tiara, I hear my own voice in your words, I gave him everything, it hurts me soo bad he left me for someone else. Until I realized, he is pretending to be whatever she wants him to be, to get him what he wants. I have seen this happen now for the 3rd time, Mr pretend guy. He is mirroring what I wanted. I wanted a knight in shining armor, no sweeties I married the EVIL BOOGIE MAN, he never loved me, and is still trying to posses and control me, (we have 2 children). I loved pretend guy, who never existed.
It is done
I continue to look here to this site…as re-enforcement…as a constant boost of courage and conviction. I remember the shit he put me through, the threats and verbal abuse and how he took from me my self confidence. How when he tormented me begging me to wire him $30 when all i had was $50 in my account til payday…I left work , lying that my daughter needed meds from the pharmacy , drove across town in a panic to get the wire transfer through. I finally called him to tell him i was able to get it out to him..but he didnt answer.Where was he? Two hours of begging me to send him money…I finally just did it to make him stop. I later went on facebook and saw what he was doing while i was busting to send him what little i had. He was purchasing a silver ring from a woman on facebook. For himself. A beautiful silver ring ..for himself. I had to borrow money from a friend the next day to pay for food.
We share a business, we are tangled. Everything he owns is in my basement stored away. There will have to be contact. And he knows that as long as theres a string between us..im not free. Hell ! we share a facebook page..I want to delete it, but its my business, I cant lose more money. So he controls even that too. I have to see all his chick fans messages to him..how they adore him..want him. And im not even allowed to put a pic of my face on my profile…he removes it. And it all feeds his ego, while I just die a little more.
Tiara, I know that this feels an impossible situation to be in. When you are tied financially through business. Believe me it is not the worst. (Having children with them is the worst), then you never get rid of them.
Money, is just money. I know that is easier said than done when you are reliant on that money to survive. I have been in a situation, where i was left financially ruined by the sociopath in my life. Where I watched the very fabric of not just me – and who I am, but also everything I valued disappear. Sociopaths love it when they have a hold over you. When they can control you. They control through fear. There is nothing bad that you cannot overcome. But this will continue as long as you have this business with him (as you fear losing it). Never be afraid to lose ‘things’ people are more important than things!! And you are more important than things.
I know absolutely that the worst time, is not when you have lost everything, but when you are living in the dark cloud of fear, that you will lose everything…. that sense of anxiety and fear of what will happen next? That is the worst time of all.
Hopefully right now you are aware of him, and what he is. Whilst he has no idea that you know? If this is true, this is good, and can work to your advantage. Why? Because all sociopaths are the same. the one thing that they are is predictable (by their own predictable -ness) they all follow the same patterns of behaviour. So, you can pretty much predict what he will do in the future, and you can (as far as possible) safeguard yourself. How important is this business to you? You said that you only had $50 dollars in your account? so I am presuming that it is not financially hugely beneficial? So, what is it that you fear losing from losing this business? …. when you can identify your fear, face your fear and welcome it – challenge it… face it…. it will have no further power over you (and neither will he)…. Nothing is worse than being ‘tied’ to something with a sociopath. Nothing is better than freeing yourself from it.
Tiara,
I am not a councilor or an expert, nor do i know your full story, so what i say is only from my head and heart. i.e i don’t know if what i say is the wrong thing to do or the right.
I would firstly suggest that you get some professional help (councilor/psychologist – which ever suits) if you haven’t already. This will help your mental health… its not an immediate fix but it will help.
What i believe from the bottom of my soul, is that your life, happiness and sanity, is worth a million times your business. You may loose some money, you may loose some customers, you may even lose some friends. but you will gain your sanity and your life. You can start another business on your own. Maybe it will take some time to set it up again, maybe it will take some resourcefulness on your side to find a new business partner, or cash or whatever it is you need to start again. But one thing that i am pretty sure of, is that if he is a sociopath, you will loose everything anyway AS WELL AS loosing your sanity, your self esteem, your happiness and possibly your life. It will take many more years to get yourself well again. Walk away now. Start again on your own. YOU CAN DO IT.
Get away from this man. He is not good for you at all. in anyway. He sounds like he is deliberately trying to hurt you and this will not stop till you take away all that he has to hurt you with. Just make sure that he can’t sue you with anythign to do with the business.
I know it will be hard. if not the hardest thing that you will ever do. But this is your LIFE.
I really feel for you. I was lucky that i could just walk away. He tried to manipulate me with our IVF embryos that we have but legally he couldn’t do a thing. I lost a lot of money that i tied up in our house but i just walked. All i took was some food and alcohol, not even my share and do you know what he said? that i stole from him! that i took too much food and alcohol and a $20 drink bottle… for F*ck sakes the house was worth a million dollars… and he complained about a $20 drink bottle… you can never win with these guys.
normalisboring,
It is so weird and hard to comprehend that they didn’t love us. It was all fake. But i know it is true. They are the Boogie man. My ex had 2 children with his exwife, i feel so bad for them. They used to wait for me to come home from work by the front door on the weekends that we had them, we used to play and have fun, they had even started confiding in me. And then one day i was just not there anymore. I never got to say goodbye. It was so sad. And the poor ex is still wrapped up in his disgusting game. THose poor children.
I know, it’s hurtful especially to watch the children to be cycled through along with the girlfriends. He still tries to possess, it’s like he will be a life long pain in my ASS, since we have children. Once my youngest is 18, all my phone #’s will change and emails etc he will never be able to find me. As far as his “fake” his dislike for me is because I SEE him. Who wouldn’t be angry at the only person who knows your game! It doesn’t matter, at the end of the day, God knows my heart, and my ex doesn’t have one.
It is done, this is so incredibly true. I have read your more recent posts about ‘recovery’ and I have now stumbled upon this one as I try to make sense of what happened to me almost 4 weeks ago (final discard). It is incredible – everything that you said rings true. How someone can profess their love for you one minute and literally walk out on you within the hour, without reason, is mind-boggling! He was due to come home a week before final discard, after having spent 2 years planning our future, building a house together, buying a car, the whole works. Incidentally, a week before final discard I miscarried out child, alone. I am trying to understand how someone could do that. I am so incredibly confused and so broken. I honestly feel that my life has been taken from me – my present and my future. I also suspect he is on to someone new and I cannot fathom how someone could do that – treat a human being who gave everything to them like a football – someone they can kick around like nothing matters. I immediately went NC (it wasn’t the first discard) and then he started sending me abusive, horribly degrading texts, accusing me of being on dating websites (I am not) and of being a porn star! (that was the best one – I actually had to laugh!!) Since a few days he has stopped contacting me completely, wiped me off his Skype and wiped himself off mine (he knew my password). I have no idea what to do next. In a bizarre way I really really miss him. He was my life – my everything, and I was under the erroneous impression I was his – I guess I was conned and the joke is on me! The house is full of his things – things we chose together – our new car too (which is with me of course!) I don’t know what to think. I am broken…
I am sorry, so incredibly sorry. I would get some sort of legal advice, or find someone to help me. If he is a good NS, everything (financially) should be in your name, and you can shut him down.
I also found it helpful reading books, like “the mask of sanity” and research as much as I can about this disorder, the more I read, the more I understand, the more I understand, the easier gets to let go – after a lot of reading, I started to “redraw” the picture I had in mind about him, and it’s not the same (by far) as it was in the beginning. It’s true – “The truth will set you to free”.
Ah I just wrote a post about this, moving out of the fog of confusion. It is true, that the more you read – the quicker move out of confusion and into reality. 🙂 Welcome to the site Alice.
I read all the posts, but I still found it hard to sink in that it is a disorder, that he cannot change, that he can’t feel my pain and all the hurt he caused, that he really does not care etc etc. It’s really hard to sink all that in when you thought you found you soulmate (it is true, the best “mirror” ever of yourself and then the worst nightmare).
Reading about it from multiple perspectives: victims, specialists and even other sociopaths helps define that new “person” in your mind about who he truly is, what really happened to you, why he acted that way, it brings closure, closure I could never get from him and alone.
A good comparison I’ve been making lately is that these creatures are Terminators. They’re not human. They’re robots, programmed to emulate us and learn with artificial intelligence to ultimately kill us. They are illusions.
THis is so true
It is done>
Great words…and I am currently getting references on therapy. Reaching out is a big step, a very important step. It ends the isolation that one has been put into. As far as the business…I can walk, start anew, and thrive. This is all just coming down hard and fast…like for 9 years…Right? but you know what I mean…the mask is off, Ive reached the point..and its all just a ton of fuckery. Theres not ONE single place in my life he hasnt negatively affected. It takes time to wrap my head around it. But your experience and encouragement means the world..I will read them over and over. ❤ Thank you
Seems to me that you are on the right road. Keep being strong. Try and stay focused on that he is bad. I promise, you will get better. It will just take time. 9 years is a long time. My heart goes out to you. You will soon be free.
I was with mine less than a year and it took me just about 10 months to finally put all the pieces together and actually diagnose her. I have felt so much anger, hurt, and confusion. Even had a bit of Post Traumatic Stress. I am just now really starting to heal. I can’t imagine what kind of damage can be done in practically a decade. Knowledge really has been power for me. Knowing that it was never me. That nothing I did good or bad would’ve ever changed the ultimate outcome.
I feel so deeply for you. If there is any silver lining in such destruction, I believe it is that we are smarter, deeper, and better people after coming out as survivors as positivagirl puts it. You should feel empowered. You’ve danced with the Devil and lived to speak about it. This is a type of relationship that only the survivors will really understand IN MY OPINION. Again as positivagirl has written, sometimes you can only purely understand something if you’ve experienced it. Only someone who has been manipulated day in and day out, from day one, and seen the complete cycle come to fruition, can really understand. I implore you seek out as much therapy and support you can. This is a very real evil. It’s not a hyperbole, these people are literally psychopaths! My thoughts are with you 🙂
I usually envision evil demons, but Terminators work too.
Yes I agree with demons. It’s like you’ve sold you soul to the Devil. You initially get everything you ever wanted, but is ultimately your greatest downfall. A wolf in sheep’s clothing. The most beautiful angel Lucifer. The great deceiver. They are pure evil.
I use the Terminator reference to illustrate how we are not dealing with a human. We cannot look back longingly and yearn for someone. You were never dealing with a real person.
Nothing like that – just a breed of humans who weren’t designed to understand human emotion, they simply can’t, they can pretend they do, but they don’t – it get’s boring and tiring to fake all the time, isn’t it? If there is no more excitement coming out of it which means there is nothing in it for them, what’s the point of playing ‘nice’? More drama, more tears and mind games and then maybe, maybe will get exciting again, high hopes – I am laughing loud but I can’t imagine anything else:) I think that’s all there is in it for them, a source of entertainment – the more drama, the more exciting.
I know, I am drama’ed out. So he has to make do with his current and his other ex’s. He’s still evil as far as I am concerned. I want far far away.
And even there I have doubts, what defines excitement for them? Another way I think about them is someone completely drunk, so drunk they can’t remember what they said or did the previous day, no recollection of it… It’s amazing how they change their story from one day to the next, one sentence to another, denying what they said previously, then denying the denial and then the denial of denial of what they denied about before, at some point it gets so confusing, they can’t remember themselves what they lied about…
I could quote sentences like that, formulated in such way, that could be taken 2 ways at least, always, I thought something, “no, it was the other thing, you are crazy, I never said that, I understood the wrong way”, if it was the other way, I was completely delusional…
I imagine it must be some form or shape of similarity with what we experience when very drunk? But even that is not consistent because certain things are always the same for them and certain things always change erratically, you can’t connect 2 dots to draw a line between A and B, you try to and there is… oops, they just moved point B from the map.
Oh they know very well what they are doing. A lot of them don’t drink as the mask can slip when they are drinking. With the lies, they throw themselves into character so effectively that they become the lie. They believe the lies that they are telling as the truth. They go into character and take it so far, that they can believe it themselves (which is why they can pass lie detectors). Life is – a game to them. As for excitement – they constantly crave excitement to rid of the boredom and the empty space that lies within them. And they will do anything to protect the lie. anything – protecting the lie is more important than protecting your feelings.
My ex is a drunk and druggie (high functioning) used the addiction as a excuse for lying. He “didn’t remember”. Now everything is via email so I just say ok, and file contempt against him.
that’s where my empathy fades for them, the fact that they know, this is what’s worrying me amongst everything else – being aware of doing wrong and keep doing it over and over again, never learn, never try to become a better person, that IS scary.
Thank you , it is done, Mr Knight and normalisboringsoiheard…
When I landed here, and poured over all the posts, it was like a door opened. There were others who experienced what i had known, and kept hidden from myself for years.
I used to describe us as :WHEN ITS GOOD, ITS REALLY GOOD. AND WHEN ITS BAD, I GO TO PIECES- (David Bowie-cant remember the name of the song) The good times..the highs, were intoxicating, the sex was a drug, and I lived to fulfill his every whim., just so that i would receive his attention and praise, But , sometimes within minutes, i would go from Goddess to C*** status (his words to me), in the blink of an eye. I never saw it coming. And there I am…wondering- wtf just happened? What did i do wrong? And i know that my punishment is coming…he wont talk to me. I must endure days on end of silent treatment from him , leaving me alone and STILL wondering WTF just happened?And now its BAD and im in pieces. Im off balance…what have i done? All i want to to is talk about whats upset him so. But im ignored. Days later, when he resurfaces and makes contact…my hope is to discuss what it was that set him off. But too late. Hes brought in another bombshell drama to the table…one that pales in comparison to anything that has come before. He needs my complete devotion, attention, time and money to help save him. And the cycle continues…I jump to save, help, soothe and prove to him that im worthy of his love…all i ask is that he be nice to me (my words to him) Suddenly, my needs and problems are swept away and unimportant because i must devote all of my attention to him. Then and only then….is it GOOD again.
My story is a long one…like i said – 9 years. Writing here helps me. Bits and pieces to dribble out…purge and put it outside of myself. It probably seems disjointed and rambling. I trust and feel a comfort here because i know im in a safe place and those of you who reached out to me have experience and understand the mental mind fuck these relationships do to a person. Its 6:00 am here…Time to start my day…i pray for strength and I will smile and laugh..and before i walk out my door- place my tiara firmly upon my head : )
Thanks for listening xx
Positivagirl…Thank you for your thoughts. This site is a godsend for so many .Im moored to it as a positive step in my recovery. These last few days have kept me reeling…and so , yes, I will be taking steps to guard and protect what I have..and let go of all that i cannot control. Like I said, we are tangled. Im scraping by hour to hour just trying to grasp my feelings…I know you know. Its hour to hour..day to day. Its an insidious destruction that occupies the soul…its where you live. All because you gave of yourself , true and boundless..only to be left empty. Thank you for allowing me to ‘spew’ here. Only those who have experienced this can understand. Have a bright day : )
MrKnight-
I love the reference: I Danced With The Devil…and oh how he engulfed me in his flames. – {shaking my head}
Yes I think we all can probably identify with the statement. Just try to rediscover you. The highs are high and the low’s are low. Just remember. Any goodness found within the relationship was just being mirrored from what you were putting out. So essentially, we were always the source of the ultimate highs. Which in my opinion means we are still capable of reproducing equal or greater highs in our lives within our own being.
Hmm… so, a reflection of self, huh… I must be an incredible, versatile lover ha ha ha ha
That makes two of us ;p
Positivagirl,
Each and every page you write is immensely helpful and on target. I am strong and call him on everything he does, explaining I don’t care and that we are just companions. Why am I strong, not falling for anything, but sticking around? I know that : I like company once a week, I like to go out to eat, s**, texting a lot. One day, according to accurate research, I will be discarded. It could be days weeks or years. If I’m not dependent why would I stay? Maybe I am dependent in a way? I don’t want to meet a new guy either. It’s gross to keep moving around for me personally.
Idk, maybe the hope of one day he will stop? You have to ask your self, are all your needs being met in this relationship? Are you happy? Is this the direction you want to go? If the answer is NO! Then take appropriate steps. But only you can answer those questions.
So I hate to get political, but does anyone think it’s possible President Obama is a spath?
I don’t know too much about what is going on in USA politics. But I do think for sure that there are psychos in power in the UK. Without a shadow of a doubt. I would imagine that they are world leaders all over the world.
In the uk the rich are getting richer and the poor are getting poorer. What is happening is quite stunning. I think that politics can help to explain sociopathic behaviour to non victims in your world. Because they appear just so very ‘normal’ – yet they can cause mass destruction – it goes back further than obama – look at the war with iraq and the ‘war on terror’ … a war that could never end.
And…. i always did wonder, how did they find a passport at the bottom of 9/11 tower – when it was so hot it melted steel? ….
Politics is the most visible psycho behaviour that all can see. It is getting out there, people are waking up.
Agreed
yes, I think all political officials,some ceo’s,some vice presidents of hr,the entire senate as far as im concerned,are sociopaths. You would have to be? right?
I have a question…. the part well another part I can’t get over is will he forsure do this to the next girl? I want them to not be happy 😦 while I am so miserable and crying all the time STILL the only comfort I have is just thinking he will do the same to her and not stay in that wonderful honeymoon stage that I LOVED so much and miss. I know the girl I welcomed her into my home on 3 different occasions and BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he had to secure her before he discarded me so horribly 😦
Hi T
Try not to torture your mind. Of course he will do the same to her. If things appear perfect with them now didn’t it seem that way with you at first?
Things always come crashing down with the sociopath. They cannot stop themselves from having to weild control over their victim.
Slowly the victim loses theirself and becomes just the same as the sociopath.
I am sorry that you are hurting so badly. If he is a sociopath he will do the same thing again and again, its who he is. HE will don a new mask and off he goes into the sunset to make just the same mistake as he did previously.
Thank you very much, yes he is a soc/narc as I am learning but found out from my counselor and have been reading, reading and reading and he is forsure posterchild perfect for the soc – can’t believe it – I know I do repeat myself but just still lost and confused.
Aren’t you on vacation pos??
Vacation? No, I wish. Can’t afford a holiday. That is PR – she has gone to Bali!! 🙂 🙂
this phrase spoke to me:
“An important clinical feature of his disorder seemed, nevertheless, to lie in the specific andobdurate difficulty in finding out anything at all about less superficial attitudes or real inner purposes and meanings.”
how can they understand us if they can’t understand why we are acting the way we are acting, I mean not how, but WHY?
I was curious if anyone has become more religious after experience these types of creatures? I feel like believing in God becomes a lot easier when you’ve literally looked the devil in the face. Any thoughts?
I had no choice, it was the grace of God I was to survive. Or kill myself. I was in THAT much despair. I believe sometimes Satan tests our faith. To see if we as people will in our weakness believe God left us.
** not to offend anyone who may have other religious beliefs** this is merely my personal belief **
I feel the same way about being in THAT much despair. 😦 Not sure if I am too much in a believer of God right now though – begging for him to help with my heart and guess he is too busy 😦 😦 😦
I don’t think that’s true. I think bigger changes in a person require more work and concentration. What we’ve been up against is complex, not simple. We can hardly expect to skip through it to a happy face in a week. These are the greater growing lessons in life, but don’t believe you are abandoned.
Hmm, your still here everyday? You found your way to us? It’s all a belief, each day is a step further. This is my go to song of the moment
I am just still so heartbroken I am not going to hurt myself but I so wish everyday on my way to work a bigrig would just plow into me – this wayI am feelinging is no way to live but yet my stupid heart just keeps beating – I am so very sad everyday and he did not skip a beat. Miss him and my old life even tho I know what he is does not make me feel any better even tho I read all these posts you all really do seem so happy and I can’t find a happy thought anywhere 😦
T,
Listen carefully…,this is temporary! We all went through this. When you feel really bad, try to remember that they are just feelings that WILL PASS. Stay busy. I use grounding techniques (focus on any object and think of the texture, color, material, it’s use etc). By the time you’re done, even 2 objects, whatever, your mind refocuses and feels much more restful. Try it! In other words, keep that mind BUSY like nobody’s business!
I hear you and I understand but my heart is just so broken and with the time change, weather and holidays it is hard that I am never going to go home to what I have known for the last 8.5 years – I am trying Bunny I swear I am. I am just just so broken and scared of being alone and miss him more then ever – I am so sorry
Ding be sorry. Everyone has felt that way especially when they first leave 8.5 yrs is a long time of your life. Even if your partner wasn’t abusive and relationship fizzled out it would still require some healing. I would imagine it is very painful.
I am so confused I know I say it a lot but just over night and 4 days later after discarding me in another relationship madly in love and 4 weeks later engaged, they don’t live together yet. His words to me were so mean and for no reason at all. trying to make a counselor appt having a really bad day and it is only 10:10 AM UGH!!!!!!!! 😦
Stay strong t and just take one day at a time. As the mask comes off you can see a different person. This can be so hurtful. You can battle with yourself. What is true and what is not? What was the real person? Counselling sounds like a good plan 🙂
T-
You sound like you could use some help through this down period. Bunnyshy is right, it is temporary, but that doesn’t mean it’s not feeling like it’s not overcome-able to you right now. Have you talked to a professional? The techniques they can share can give you step by step actions so it’s not so overwhelming, and those will help refocus your mind. In the position you are in, it is hard to move your own head above water to do the things that will actually make you feel differently. Strongly encourage you to get help to do it.
I have been to a counselor 4 times and trying to get in this week. But I realize he can’t fix my heart it is so broken. My counselor is the one who told me he is a sociopath/narc which is how I started learing about this issue but so wrong to be on the discarded side so mean like I never was part of his life. I realize I don’t think I ever knew him but the part I thought I jnew I loved so much. The holidays coming and my first time without him is torture
It’s work, I don’t want to be happy, I strive to be happy!! It’s a personal goal! There are people who have had a lot worse, but I am going in a positive direction. Yesterday, I stayed in my pink bathrobe, because it was a poo poo day, eh and today. But I try not to do this very often. I pray to god to give me guidance, read the bible, go to the archangels for guidance! It’s a very spiritual process
HI T,
I hear your pain and like all of us here, relate to it so much. We have all been there to some degree. It will be overwhelming for a little while longer, but i promise you, it does get better.
I cried every hour of every day for two months. Mine also dumped me out of the blue… we were in the middle of IVF, so on top of everything, i was pumped full of hormones.
But that doesn’t help you right now. Reach out to all of those that you can. We are all here for you, as those before us, were here for us, and as we are for each other.
Go for a walk, if you like to exercise, go for a run… it will be hard to motivate yourself but it will help. I also went on antidepressants. I resisted for a long time but i was slowly slipping into a full blown depression. They helped and i wish i had started them earlier. I can still think and fill but they just topped up the serotonin in my brain that had been massively depleted.
The other thing i did was focus on the bad things he did. I just couldn’t accept that he was a sociopath. I kept focusing on how good we were and how much i had lost, but after a bit, every time i did that i reminded myself of all the bad things he had done…. it almost became a mantra… every time i would think how much i loved him and how i thought he loved me or asked, how did i end up here? i would go through the list… ‘the ex tried to kill herself, he ripped her off with the settlement, he ruined my holiday, he took away my happiness when i found out i was pregnant, he dumped me when i miscarried, he took away my confidence, he dumped me when i ran out of money, he went straight on eharmony….’ etc etc (that was just the tip of the iceberg… the list went on and got worse :-))
These are just things that i did.
The other thing is just accept that this is where you are at the moment. Feel your pain and sit with it. When you do this, you are accepting and healing.
anyway, these helped me.
What you are going through is a horrible thing that should not happen to anyone. I am so sorry that you are going through this but it will get better.
xxxx
Thank you so much. I am just miserable and scared, scared of moving on alone. I have to get a new home and furniture as he kept everything. I am renting a room from a girlfriend right now and I miss my home and dog and HIM!!!!! My God this is so wrong on so many levels I never thought I would post something and go see a counselor, never thought I would ever have a reason. I do try and focus on the mean things he said to me I am just having a hard time believeing that came out of his mouth – I want to hate him just right now I can’t and I have every reason to hate him 😦
All good tips, It is done. I’d forgotten it, but I did that too—recount the bad things he’d done. One of the reasons I kept returning was because I kept forgiving (and actually forgetting). While he’s due the grace and I do hope and pray he changes his life someday, I needed to remember what was creating all the issues I was getting blamed for. I’m not crazy; I didn’t have dramatic responses for no reason, he really was doing crumby stuff.
spelling mistake (blush) fill = feel 🙂
Oh T, I so understand. The same thing happened to me… the first time i slept on a friends couch for 6 weeks! The last time i stayed at an acquaintance’s (didn’t have any great friends by then) for a week and then rented a 1 bedroom apartment, while he stayed in our 5 bedroom mansion, bringing his new girlfriend to stay over in OUR bed! (who i believe now lives there)
I also thought that i would never write on a blog or go on antidepressants… (I had been to a councilor in the past and believe that they are a very helpful thing for me – You do need to find one that fits right though) but here i am. And you know what? it is ok! It is more than ok! i have learnt so much and grown so much and this site helped me get through it quicker than if I had been on my own.
IT is ok to feel the way you do. You are a feeling caring loving human being that has just had your heart broken, but it is worse than that, YOu have just had it broken, ripped out, stabbed a million times, walked over chewed up and spat out. This is not a normal break up but your reactions to it are.
Its ok to feel the pain. It is ok to feel overwhelmed… what i have learnt to do from this, (an exercise that my councilor taught me) is when i get so over whelmed, is to go into my body and assess how i feel. For example, today i have a slight tummy ache, my shoulders are tense, and i have a slight anxiousness in my diaphram… just focus on that for a few minutes, what am i feeling… anyway it helped me slow down the overwhelming emotions and over time i am also developing it. I would forget to do it a lot at first but i practiced every day, even when i wasn’t feeling overwhelmed.
Please know that you are a good person and you have done nothing wrong. And you will get through this.
Great comment thank you. I love that, his behaviour wasn’t normal but your responses to his behaviour were. Story of my life the last 5 years.
I don’t know how to send this msg private to you but I was trying to make a donation but won’t let me because of the county – none of them are mine
That is ok t – thank you for the kind thought :). I am not sure how it works, It is just done through paypal? So I don’t know about countries? Anyway – you are welcome here if we can help you, most certainly will. Maybe paypal doesn’t cover your country?
No I think it has to, I will figure it out – LOL Oh brother.
Me too Jusagurl. I wonder if we find it so hard to remember/believe the bad stuff because for so long in the relationship we were denying it happened, Pretending all was ok and that he was great and through manipulation he was reinforcing that. Then when it is over we still have the same brain pattern… muscle memory type thing.
The hardest part was for the emotional side to catch up and believe it… the rational side new but it took me so long to believe it emotionally. Even now sometimes I can slip slightly and i go through the list again… although that happens rarely now, where as at the beginning i would have been going through it 2 dozen times a day.
new = Knew (bad day with the spelling :-))
Also Jusagurl, I had a weird dream last night and you were in it! It was about my ex ex boyfriend (the one i now think had very strong Narcissistic tendencies) and he came back into my life and i was flying a helicopter and there was all sorts of weird stuff in it but the thing i remember the most was i found a page he had been scribbling on and your name was on it. Jusagurl. In my dream i was so curious as to how he knew you and your alias name on this site!
Very Bizarre 🙂
Ah ha ha ha ha ha… you’re not taking Xanax too, are you? I swear I have the craziest dreams on that stuff. Last night, what I dreamed was that I was 6 mos. pregnant and wasn’t really showing. Someone was saying to me, well, you’ll be giving birth before long! I don’t know who the father was as he was faceless. I’m trying not to remember my ex’s face.
Maybe that meant about you giving birth to a new you? But as you are not showing, right now you don’t yet see the progress you have made. And it isn’t about a father it’s about your ex who is faceless as he was fake and his treatment of you has forced you to give birth to a new you.
I was afraid it meant I am worried I’m pregnant because of our last time together. Honestly, I like your interpretation much better, especially since it also feels true. This last removal from him is different. The addiction has ceased and I regard most of what was as empty. I also feel like I have the support to do something different, which is really so uplifting. It’s been awhile since I’ve had help with something hard.
Yay good news:)
Sorry am on my phone if that typed wrong.
@Jusagurl… haha… no i am taking sertraline. Now you mention it, i have been having crazy dreams for ages, i thought it was just a side effect from the trauma of the break up but maybe it is from the meds?!
I like Pos’s reading of your dream 🙂
I haven’t been able to get it yet but there is a book called “People of the Lie” by Dr. M Scott Peck, he is Christian. You just have to google it because I can’t explain it very well. But the book is #1 on my book stack.
Thanks for sharing, I’ll definitely look into!
I know I sound crazy, but I’m pretty positive Obama is a spath, seems to be following Hitler’s playbook, (I have a degree in Finance and he is doing the complete opposite of what would stimulate the global economy), and might even be sinister.
I subscribe to this blog praying for one day, on wordpress, lots of interesting info on it, do I think Obama exhibits traits of of NS? His public self is scripted and personal self who knows? So I have no opinion, but he is creating havoc.
Time will tell, but if he is instrumental in the starting of world war III or a global biological pandemic breaks out in the near future…. I think he might be something people have alluded to in a biblical sense.
Got the book, and definitely like what I’m reading so far! Thanks for the reference!
Oh man, now I want to go get it even more!! I have no time for a book at the moment, so shoot me some highlights!
The book is brilliant. There’s one chapter on a girl named Charlene. The parallels are uncanny. Clearly she is a sociopath. Even some of the dialogue was almost verbatim with what I experienced in my relationship. It was almost eerie. Basically Dr. Peck makes some great points on evil overall. That evil shouldn’t be hated but pitied. They live their lives in constant fear. Fear of being found out, insecurity (I feel narcissism is actually an overcompensation for massive insecurity), and for constantly starting over. Could you imagine the literal insanity of going through the same BS over and over as one of these creatures? The same stories, the same lies, the same game with every partner. The life of a sociopath is like groundhogs day. They never grow, or learn anything. In the end we come out better, stronger, and smarter people. They never progress. I’m not saying go make friends with them, but they hurt too. Just in a different way.
That’s it – I am going to BN website and buying it for ME! Merry Xmas ME! Too bad it’s not on E-Book oh well! How many pages is it?
Slightly over 265. It’s really good. It really does a good job of examining psychology and the supernatural objectively. The open mindedness of Dr. Peck is incredible. This book was written 30 years ago, and it seems more progressive than something you would read today. I’m not through the whole thing yet, but the chapters that hit home the most were on Charlene and the Exorcisms. He doesn’t come out and use the term “sociopath”, but having dealt with a female spath, and literally having the same word for word conversations he had with his patient Charlene, I’m pretty convinced. I really am thankful you suggested it. It’s given me a lot of insight. Thanks all the way from Florida! Merry Christmas!
is there a newer version of this out MrKnight? Or is it just the old copy? I tried to read an original copy last summer, but found the text too small for me to read. I was wondering if it has been reprinted? Merry Christmas to you too!!:)
I don’t care, I have little old lady glasses. Thank you, merry Xmas!
I read the M. Scott Peck book also and thought it was very insightful with showing a connection between negative human behavior and evil.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0671454927/ref=oh_details_o06_s00_i00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
Here’s the one I purchased. Font size seemed pretty standard. They have used copies for under $2.00 before shipping. I think it’s worth the read.
Here is the reissue from 1998. I can’t conclude if the text would be more legible though.
http://www.amazon.com/People-Lie-Hope-Healing-Human/dp/0684848597/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1387902362&sr=1-1&keywords=people+of+the+lie
My Sp would say things to me (and I live in a very small town…she came here to live with me) “you know, you would be surprised but I get very defensive when other people say terrible things about you…” I would ask who had said what as most of the people she had meant only knew me in passing…no real details…and she wouldn’t tell me who…and the header of it “you would be very surprised” creeped me out…as if I were HER victim and she wouldn’t allow others to speak of me…or I don’t know what…
I have kept up three months of NC, but she lives right down the road…I see her drive by with a new guy, different guys all the time…it drives me crazy…for awhile I was doing very well…then the last month became very depressed again…is it common for recovery to go in waves? She is obviously here to stay in my small town so I am going to have to learn to deal with it as I can’t move, nor do I want to…but the last month has been hard and I thought I was doing so well…
She was likely lying when she said to you about other people said about you. Socio are liars. They drop in lies other people have said to isolate you and knock you off balance.
I went back multiple times and fought with myself for a few years, a part of me knew it was wrong, my brain was saying “NO”, a part of me loved him and wanted to help him and make him happy, I was always in between, leaning left and right and kept hoping until I lost it, I did… A terrible fight inside me that burned me out, trying to understand and figure out why I feel that way, what did I do wrong, what’s going on, why is so different this time, why, why, why?
It depends on abuse, how much you care, how strong you are and also doesn’t hurt to be a little narcissistic and just think about you during this time, make yourself happy, whatever makes you happy. You can’t change them, you can’t make their frontal lobe function because you care, it’s a disorder and the more you stay, the more will affect you, are you willing to pay for it? You won’t get what you want anyway.
I remember my SP always threaten to leave me. It didn’t matter if we were living together or just dating, or even married now that I think about it. Now I understand that he control me with the fear that I had of him leaving me and our relationship. I remember one day I shared this with him that I had a fear of abandonment. He just had that silly smirk look on his face. I couldn’t understand why I had this fear because my dad is and always have been in my life! He would tell me I was imagine things. Now I understand!!
kay,my spath,would text me on easter,when I was 3 hours away,at my aunts house,loaded out of his mind,saying he was leaving. I would be a wreck and leave early. He would text me at work..I was a homecare nurse,driving all over gods creation to see patients,which is stressful,and out of nowhere,text such evil things,evil…..I couldn’t concentrate on driving let alone working. He would,out of nowhere,pack up and sometimes move out for half an hour,or threaten to move out bi-weekly. It was hell. hell! I had never experienced anything like it.
I am with my spath (again) and now there is a new way about him. Gaslighting, crazy making, temper, etc. the complete OPPOSITE of it was for months. Now I’m waiting to be discarded. I enjoy the companionship when he is good, and I want him happy. That’s never going to happen though is it! Why do we stick with these people knowing the outcome? I’m not “in love “, but I deeply care for him. I need to know he is ok. When we split it is unbearable, not knowing if he is ok or not. Staying in this scenario clearly means I need help. Some screws are loose!
Bunny of course he will be ok. Sociopaths are very rresourceful. If he didn’t get his needs met by you he would someone else. Do you want to be owned and controlled?
Positivagirl, afosterchild,
You are all on target. I feel like I want to see him one more time to explain: what he is, tell him I know he has “suppliers”, I know several things he said are lies, and I want to explain how this will keep happening to him (women will leave or he’ll leave).
Silly since he won’t care! I keep thinking like he is a little human. I want to show that people can even care about a spath. He is now viciously attacking me saying I’m cheating. It gets the attention off him right?
Bunnyshy, it will be a waste of time and you will feel bad about contacting him. Plus, he will turn it around and make you seem like your a bad person.
Kay,
I know you’re right. I’m starting to feel what you’re saying and not just “going through the motions, forcing myself to believe what’s right”. I’m hoping tonight is my last straw. He has turned CRAZY, boldly and deliberately. Texting me 50 plus times today JUST TO ARGUE and falsely accuse me of things. He wants me to leave him I guess? Idk.
Sociopaths pick a fight when they want a relationship to end. Most normal people, just have a sit down chat so it ends. But not the sociopath. Accusing you of cheating is deflection from what he is doing/thinking of doing.
If he is kicking off with you, he likely has already sourced a new source for supply. You could go round this circle a million times. It just repeats. Over and over yawn.
Why do you need to speak to him? He is a compulsive pathological liar and will only hurt you some more. You won’t get answers from him. And if you tell him who you think he is, likely he won’t listen anyway;. And will just point the finger at you being crazy and delusional.
You will go round this circle a few times, until the roundabout makes you feel sick and you have to get off. If he hasn’t got another source of supply, – there will be plenty of deflection, diversion…. playing victim, talking non stop so you cant think of you and your needs.
It hurts. This is why no contact is the only way forward. As much as you like him…. who you see now this man who is texting you accusing you…. this is who he really is. Either he feels he has lost control (and therefore has nothing to lose) or has found new source for supply) this doesn’t have to be another woman either… anyone who will listen to his sob story… and you can bet he is saying bad things about you. He needs the attention.
Ugh and you were there thinking about him, worrying about him and if he is ok? The question is – are YOU ok?
Positivagirl,
I luv you girlfriend. You are very patient and caring to continue sharing this information over and over again with everyone. You’re here for me even though I “relapsed”. You “get it”. You took a lot if time to respond and I know you’re very busy. Thank you for everything. I’m ready to be over this very soon.
It will take you as long as it takes Bunny – this site is called dating a sociopath. So whether you are with him or not there is no judgement from me. You know…. when he does this behaviour…. that you cant deny it sometimes it takes a while for your heart to catch up with what the head already knows.
I only know it soo well as I went back so many times. Nothing changes. They are on their best behaviour for a bit. Then boredom kicks in, so they kick off… you stand your ground. Then they lose control, literally. Accuse you of everything under the sun. To make you feel bad like you have done something wrong. Then suddenly oh they have another place to stay a set of new friends…. all done whilst they were kicking off at you. Ah sociopaths are so predictable, its actually boring after a while.
Positivagirl,
I just texted him this:
“You are kicking off with me. Be with your new source of supply, at the new place you stay at. It’s ok you prefer her. Ur my best friend. I luv you. It’s all good :)”
I’m a nut, but it’s what I needed to say. He is sending massive amounts of crazy texts again, accusing, asking for the name of a guy in my life that doesn’t exist…lol! Wacko! =D
Oh yes. That is because he can’t work out why you are different. If you are. Well you have to have another man right? Socios think everyone else has their standards they hate losing control.
One other thing a socio wI’ll only be ‘best friend’ as long as it suits them. If they needed to make you a scapegoat to make themselves look better, would soon stab you in the back.
Thank you Positivagirl! Last night he called my parents around midnight. I’m not responding to 70 text msgs and 26 phone calls from last night, just to be “fake accused” of cheating. I’m done with having my world spun all the live long day and night. Complete chaos :p
Bunnyshy,
It sounds like he is not done using you yet!!! So, he feel like he is loosing control. That’s why your seeing his crazy behavior!!!!!
Kay 🙂
I think you’re right. It is helping me so much to get everyone’s point of view. Things become clearer. I have knowledge from here, therefore I am stronger. Not good for him! Lol
When someone has secret sordid vices, then they assume others do too. I must have 30 new text msgs this morning saying “Name?” He wants the name of a guy he thinks I’m cheating with who does not exist. He KNOWS I’m not cheating. Deflecting!
Bunnyshy,
You sound like I did a few years ago when I was involved with spath #2 (out of 3). I simply didn’t want to be alone and somehow I made myself believe that he really wasn’t all THAT bad, that he did have some good qualities about himself. Not only was I listening to his lies, but I was also listening to my own lies in trying to make excuses as to why this person was even in my life to begin with. You have to learn to love yourself and believe you are worth a good person, and that you don’t deserve to WAIT to simply be discarded like a piece of garbage. You are not garbage. You have to believe that about yourself. He will never believe it about you, but who cares? He’s crazy anyway. Why, why, why do you want to be with someone who cares so little about you? You are setting yourself up for a big heartbreak and mental anguish if you don’t take action NOW. Get away and enforce the No Contact that positivagirl has told us about. Believe me, it will save your sanity! It’s not easy, but it is doable. YOU ARE WORTH IT!!
My daughter was in a relationship with a sociopath for 18 months. She was 23, he was 44 when it started. Five weeks into the relationship he told her he was dying of cancer. The mind games that ensued after that were insane. He went to Mexico 4 times last winter and wouldn’t take her. The first time he went he said it was to obtain ‘special’ cancer treatments (he didn’t want any chemo or radiation). But he took his single buddy with him. The next three times he was there alone on ‘business’. She tried on many occasions to “just be friends”, which is impossible. The circle of mind games never ceased until no contact was initiated by her, It has only been a few weeks, he has texted a few times, but she ignores him. Hopefully he will go away, but we just found out that the woman he ‘played’ before my daughter came into the picture is still being stalked by him and he won’t give up on her. So the whole time my daughter was trying to make the relationship normal, he was stalking his ex. He is sick, and holds a very respectable job in our community. It took along time for her to admit 100% that he lied about the cancer. Too bad it isn’t true. Sad, isn’t it.
It is amazing how many sociopaths fake cancer. It is VERY common with sociopaths. It looks like your daughter was lucky. I would imagine the other victim is still giving him her time (even if on and off) never leave a door open with a sociopath. Lock and bolt the door. My ex also did the cancer thing too… It is something that still baffles me today.
Baffle is right. He didn’t say he was battling cancer when he told her. He said it was terminal and he was dying. He didn’t think that one through very well. I asked him last February why he wasn’t dead yet and he said “I still might be dying”. Well, aren’t we all!!! Another ridiculous lie, he told her at the beginning of the relationship that he was a private investigator. It was obviously aimed at making her feel like she was being watched and that she better be faithful to him. He kept telling her “I need to go meet with a client”. Obviously a cover for seeing other women without being questioned. I asked him once how many women he had on his rotation. He didn’t like that much, it was so hard to watch the trainwreck. She is very conscious of the signs now, hopefully it was a once in a lifetime occurrence.
I would say from what I hear here – is that the top two favourites are the terminal illness, and private investigator – or some war hero, they seem to be the favourites. As they look so sane when you first meet them and come across as morality and respectability, its even more shocking when the truth comes out. Sociopaths can say a multitude of things that a normal person would never say one of those things. They really are quite shocking.
My female ex SP told me an elaborate story how she was kidnapped in NYC in broad daylight…and woke up in a dark room with duct tape on her mouth and hands…dived out a window and was picked up by a passing cab naked and bloody…she even had the name of the kidnapper who she said was arrested…I looked his name up and there was no record of him at all in the new york prison data base…I said something to her about it and she said “oh, he must have been murdered in prison.”
Cash,
I know it wasn’t funny when it first happen!!! But, this story just made me laugh too! I said for now on I will be doing background checks, at the beginning!!!!! Save me the headache!
There is a post here (if you go into search) sociopaths do an say the funniest things. I think I put my list of ridiculous things and others did too. Just incredible the lies that they tell and the lengths that they will go to cover for the lie.
Mary M.
I’m glad your daughter is out of the relationship with the SP. But, I couldn’t help but to laugh when you asked why wasn’t he died yet. That one is for the books!!! They are crazy with their lies!! I would alway say “you think everyone else is stupid but you!” That’s what they think!!!!
The past week has been awful. My spath is doing way more drugs than i imagined. Severe violent mood swings, he thought I was cheating with his friend whom I never met, grabbed my neck last week, screaming on the phone everyday at some point. When he gets his fix he’s more stabilized. He does his drugs with guys and GIRLS, come to find out. Im disgusted beyond belief. I can only imagine what they do together, especially high!! I am constantly accused of cheating esp when he is withdrawing from drugs.
Anyway, what will it take to leave him? Do I need to get a rash, catch a disease, bleed, or almost die to say “ya know what? This is too weird!” He keeps the focus off of him and on me when he does questionable things. Lies daily, I’m serious. I explain that I am focused and I know what the real issue is…HIM. He pretends to stalk me, saying “look to your left” as if he is here when he’s not around. We live an hour apart so he can have a FEW lives …lol! Sick of it all.
You know if he is accusing you of cheating this is what he is doing himself?? You should know this doesn’t get better. It only gets worse. 😦
What type of drugs is he doing?
I thought it was just pot, but he now snorts a powder he calls “opium”. I have no idea what it really is.
Opium is heroin smack Brown. If it is opium is it Brown? Smells horrible? (Sorry I worked with homeless and drug users for decades)
It was a white powder. Isn’t that really cocaine or ecstasy? I’m not up on these things.
Yes most likely coke.
Could be lots of other things too. I won’t write here. Doesn’t sound like opium wonder why he is calling the it that? So what are you going to do? Can you see now how quickly the relationship moves to negative when you go back? Then you are trapped again in he’ll wondering how you will get out?
I know what I need to do, but putting it into action is what I’m working on. I can’t believe I put up with this. Never before in my life would I take this. It’s a no brainer that I need to leave, yet I need things spelled out when in denial. Thank you for helping me with this Positivagirl 🙂
Now he says he has a couple meetings to get a job. I asked where and he says he can’t tell me. He says,” it’s bad news. You don’t want to meet these people. They don’t want anyone around they don’t know, I can’t explain, trust me”. Selling drugs? Just kill me now.
Well you know the truth. You know his whole about a job this is lies. It’s just his way of keeping his own life private. And he knows everything about yours. This is abuse and control. It’s not love.
Positivagirl,
Thank you for being blunt. I need harsh short simple language in this issue. I just broke up with him. I was nice about it and said we both need to meet new people, told him I don’t like how he has his own private life, etc. it was good terms. I think he was cheating on me all day but I kept my cool. I’m a nice loving caring person and i hope to one day find someone that does not exploit that. THANK YOU for being my ROCK. 🙂
Yes bunny you deserve all the warmth and the love that you are capable of offering yourself. You deserve to be with someone who when they say they love you. You know they are saying it because they mean it. Not because they want something from you. I am glad he is ok about it and will set you free. My experience is that they rarely let go without ruining you first so if this hasn’t happened this is good 🙂 yay. Now time to take each day at a time and watch the days turn into weeks. Walking your path to freedom. Be strong put his numbers on block. Block him out of your life.It makes space for you and your new life 🙂 you can’t stay friends with a sociopath. I tried for a long time. It’s just not possible.
Am sorry if I am harsh. Or blunt. It’s just that I know association will always bring more pain. When he was in my life I could barely write. When I did my words were back to front. I have a lot of posts to go through. Sometimes you need to go back if you need to see more. But the outcome is always the same. Except next time it goes bad faster than before as they think you will put up with more.
Positivagirl,
I meant harsh in a healthy way, for lack of better words. I love how you said it in a nutshell. I needed it that way. Sometimes being too delicate about things doesn’t set a fire to do something, for me personally. Your words really helped me today (as well as many other days!) thank you love! 😉
Your welcome bunny 🙂 🙂
Not heard of people snorting it though?
I had another crazy dream last night. It was lengthy and more detailed than the one from the night before.
I was with a group on a tour bus that was associated with a museum. There was a small owl on the bus for some reason (a pet of one of the sightseers). I don’t know what the significance of the owl was except I thought it was so cute (like our new puppy?) We ended up at a post office. I went in to mail something and the clerk wanted to say something to me. I leaned in to hear him and he put his mouth to my ear and blew a wave of heat into my head—not just my ear, but THROUGH my head. I was bewildered and, as I stood there looking through my wallet for the seven dollars owed, I kept looking back at him for some acknowledging sign that what I believed had just happened had actually happened. I felt invaded, and as though I had stupidly just offered up my ear innocently trusting. He looked perfectly normal, so, it was as if I was crazy. It’s worth noting that this guy looked nothing like my ex.
When we got back to the museum, I headed out to the parking lot to my car. One of the other sightseers caught up to me and walked along beside me. I knew this person was a man by birth, but he was taking on a transgendered role and called himself, Mary Ann Ota. When the person got to their intended building, they said, “See you at the event Saturday.” I said, “Okay,” but then she said, “Do you want to hang out sometime?” and, “Can I get your name?” We exchanged names and wrote them down. I had to ask her to repeat her last name. I didn’t really want to spend time with her outside the events and figured I’d never contact her. It’s worth noting that this person DID look more like my ex.
I was in the parking lot already, so I’m not sure why I ended up back inside the museum hallway, but I did. I walked past another of the sightseers on my way to look for a door out to the parking lot. This guy had his sandy brown hair in a cropped, swingy haircut, was in a rust-colored suit, and was over-the-top flamboyant in his demeanor. He was sitting on a bench. He didn’t want to speak to me though. I looked at him as though to say, are we going to at least say hello? And he said, “No, I don’t want to talk to you,” and turned his head. He continued, “You’re harder to deal with than the others.” He meant I was more normal (not flamboyant or with a lot of vices). I said, “I’m sorry,” and he just turned his head in a diva-ish manner to ignore me as I walked by and said, “And you think that means I’m just supposed to forgive you.”
I continued on around the hallway, looking out the windows for the lot where I had parked my car. I didn’t want to have to walk back by Diva Guy so I just kept going. Finally, I came to an indoor restaurant that I recognized and knew my car was in that lot. For whatever reason, I had a limp, so I didn’t want to go through the revolving doors. The regular door next to them though had a father and son standing in front of it with long hockey sticks, blocking my exit while they vascillated about where they needed to head next. I lost patience and pushed past the apologetic father, limping my way across the parking lot. I recognized I was in a skirt and jacket, with a coat with a fur collar over that. But I recognized the fur as my casual winter coat and wondered briefly if I looked more like an old lady than the stylishly dressed woman I perceived myself as. In my head, I was still complaining about the man and his son not thinking of others and blocking the door. I failed to acknowledge my own shameful impatience at all, until I awoke remembering the dream, wherein I reflected that the pair were probably there taking a family trip and I just helped them to have a negative experience.
As an aside, we had a bad storm where I live on Sunday. The entire city was practically shut down and people were told to avoid it because of so many tornados on the ground. We came out okay, but everyone I know in and out of state contacted me to see if we were alright… except my ex. I didn’t hear from him until last night, but no words, just a crazy/stupid video he likes that he texted me. He texted another one this morning. He has already sent me both of these before so I know he is just trying to get me to engage, though he seems to have nothing to say to me.
Ooh you are really going through a period of healing and enlightenment Jusagirl.
The Owl was the first thing that lept out as that symbolises wisdom and enlightenment
A wonderful website is http://dreammoods.com/
Get a pen and write these dreams and their meanings down. You are going through a huge transition right now, Keep a dreaming journal.
Owl
To see an owl in your dream symbolizes wisdom, insight, magic, expanded awareness and virtue. You are highly connected to your intuitive senses and psychic power. The owl is also synonymous with death, darkness and the subconscious. The appearance of an owl may be telling you to let go of the past or certain negative behaviors.
Then there was the tourists
Tourist
To see a tourist in your dream indicates how you are in a position to provide help to others.
To dream that you are a tourist suggests that you are unsure of your surroundings and environment. Perhaps you are feeling a little lost in the world.
Bus
Well…. actually no. You look it up (website is in this comment) . Start your dreaming journal. And as you go through each of the symbols it should help you….
The dream intepretation site was totally enlightening. I did write the meanings into my dream journal and will share it with my therapist. I expect her to be surprised (but I could be wrong). Thanks for the info!
Ah brilliant jusagurl.
I love that site, it has been a favourite of mine for years.Pleased to hear you found it useful!!
my spath snorted Percocet. One time I Came home from vacation,opened oven to put some food in…..there was a plate,with pills and crushed up pills and a dollar bill. I remember thinking..”It can’t be everyday in America,that a gal comes home from a vacation,goes to put something in the oven,and there are crushed up pills in the oven?” Last time I had contact with him…he blamed me,for him getting addicted to snorting Percocet.
Oh Bobbiejeane,
I feel for you. It sounds like you are haven’t talked to him in awhile, which is great. Do not ever “receive” his lies. Evidently, my spath does several drugs! I thought it was only marijuana. I’m working on NC. I hope you are doing well.
Loved this…..
NC is the only way to go. I do not even want to pass him on the road,run into him at the grocery store,etc….I cannot see his face again. Ever. I have no desire to find out who his next dream girl is…I couldn’t handle that. I am dead to him,and I am trying to make him dead to me. Isnt it weird,how you spent so much time,even the hell felt like more years than you were really together,you may have even felt like they were a family member…and whamo…you don’t even speak when they leave? its such an odd concept. Ive had relationships end,and we still spoke,maybe we let it linger via speaking,but it didn’t feel like a death. its so odd.
This post pertains to me, this is where my celexa comes into play.. This post should also be collaberated in your book Positiva. Great post and true.. Peace an love 🙂
Thank you bewildered. How are you doing?
Im haging in there, a milestone is so crucially important to me and he dont even know what that is or entails and I just got this (aha moment) holy shit whats wrong with me. Lol.. Peace an love 😦
Don’t forget to reward yourself at milestones.
Wow, this post is pleasant, my younger sister is analyzing
these kinds of things, thus I am going to tell her.
Everything was right on point.
The little put down asides actually hurt a lot over time and when I bring it up, she would say, “Why are you being ’emo’?”
The blatant lying with obvious physical evidence to the contrary (she even put up pictures showing the exact opposite of what she was saying) also actually threw me off, with her making making me feel like I was stupid for questioning and not believing my own eyes!
They really have a pattern with their agenda, don’t they?
It hurts, but I blocked her on my phone and social media. Hopefully I’ll get over the pain and regain my sanity sooner than later…
Well I don’t think you necessarily have to meet a sociopath to have that kind of mind fuck! Or I really had bad luck… and met several ones?!