There are two key things that we need to get out of an abusive relationship. These are the two things that your abuser will remove from your life, to keep you bound to them. Additionally, it is also likely that these are the two things that you likely gave to your abuser.
- Hope
- Opportunities
Later in this article, I will explain how you can rediscover hope, and build fresh opportunities, healing and recovering you, and your life in the quickest time possible.
Hope
Hope is something that we all need. It is the spark of life that keeps us going. Without hope, we are nothing. There are fewer times in your life that you will feel that there is NO hope left, than after or while you are still with an abuser.
The sociopath will dismantle you, and your life. This is almost always done with a smile, under the guise of ‘helping you’. You probably don’t need their help, but they have already assessed you, saw what your weaknesses were and honed in on them.
The sociopath manages to take away any hope in your life. They taint, or remove any opportunities, stopping you from moving forward. Instead you constantly go around in a circle, achieving nothing in your own life. It is like living in a goldfish bowl.
What is hope?
Hope is the extracurricular things that we have in our life. Hope is that sunshine thinking for a better day. It is the part of us, that keeps us striving forward. it is the thread of life, that pushes us forward onto bigger and better things.
Sociopaths extinguish hope. They make you feel small and insignificant, while playing ‘hero’ or ‘saviour’ to your life. That strong person that you once were vanishes and within a short time, they become the strong ones, thriving off of you, and your life. You become the weak one, dependent upon them and a victim. The sociopath deliberately does this to you. It is how they take possession and control, and take hostage of you and your life.
How did that happen?
We all need hope. The reason that we feel dependent on the sociopath is because we are conditioned to believe that who we are, and our own live, and views, are worthless (this isn’t true)
The sociopath monitors and controls your every movement. Controlling you through fear, and manipulating you with false ‘love’. Your world will grow smaller. Over time you will lose your own identity, become a clone of them, and believe that you are dependent upon them for survival (this isn’t true).
Building new opportunities
To build new opportunities in our life we need the following
- Hope
- A commitment to change
- A focus to fix you
- Dedication and commitment to ‘undo’ the brainwashing and mind control and take back ownership of your own life.
- Time and effort spent, loving you, and recreating your life
Sociopaths are masters of offering you
- FALSE Hope
- FALSE Opportunities
You hang onto the sociopath, hoping for things to get better. For the magical life, to come true. That day when things will just get get better, and STAY better. It never will. Life will continue to go around in a circle. Why? Because the way that their mind is, is hardwired into the brain. There will be no change, they cannot change. Any change that they make is always temporary. The pattern and cycle of abuse will always continue.
Without hope, and with the sociopath deliberately either tainting new opportunities, or blocking them altogether. You sink further down. You become more under the sociopaths control. Of course, they lead you to believe that you are not being controlled and dominated. You are led to believe that this is your idea, and that they are the ‘nice guy’. You see the narcissistic rage sometimes, but it isn’t there all of the time. By now you have sunk so low, and who is there to pick you up, and make you smile?
The sociopath of course!
The person that has helped to break you and destroy your life, is the last person that you need to turn to to help you heal!
Stepped guide to healing and recovery
Step One
Establish no contact. This will give you time to think. YES it will likely be painful, and a lonely experience in the beginning. You might initially still think that you need the sociopath to survive. This is normal, and part of you working through the brainwashing and mind control that has been done to you.
Using this method, you should be too busy and focused to allow the sociopath back into your life!
Only you can be the person to take charge of you (don’t give away your power). Only you are there to heal yourself. Equally, only you can damage you too. So, in this sense, this is step one to regaining control of your life.
Step Two
Now you need to look at your life, and what changes you would like to make within your life. You will need a pen and piece of paper for this part. In this part you write two lists.
- The first list you write all the things in your life that you are unhappy with, but that you DO have the power to change.
- The second list, you write all the things that make you feel unhappy, that you DON’T have the power to change.
Step Three
In step three, you work towards letting go of what you cannot change, and taking back control of what you can change.
The second list needs to be discarded. This is what you need to let go of. The first list, is important. This is where you have unhappiness, but you can change these things.
Step Four
Next to each item on the first list, write a plan of how you want to make change. Make sure that your list is SMART. This article will show you how.
Moving quickly towards recovery and freedom
By completing this exercise (keep working on it, you are worth it) you are breaking down your life, and taking back your own power. You can quickly move through the healing and recovery period, by taking back control of your life.
The sociopath only has power and control over you, by removing what makes you feel powerful, by removing hope and fresh opportunities, that were already in your life.
Remember that the sociopath operates by illusion. The quickest way to recover, is to see the truth, to remove the brain washing that has occurred, and to re-establish and re-organise your own life.
You won’t have time to be chasing the sociopath, waiting for them to complete you. Or fill the empty missing part of your life. You will be too busy rebuilding your life for you. Safe with the knowledge that this time, you won’t allow someone else destroy your life.
Remember. You need two things for swift healing and recovery
- Hope
- New opportunities
Working on what you can change, will empower you, and offer you hope. Working towards smart goals, will instantly give you fresh opportunities.
Once you are working towards this, believe me, you won’t want the person who once took it all away from you, anywhere near you, to dismantle you again.
Without hope or fresh opportunities, you will either continue to see the sociopath as your saviour OR you will do nothing. Doing nothing won’t move your life forward, it will keep the sociopath powerful in your mind, it will keep you in victim mode.
Take back your power, take back your control, take back your own life. See the beauty of you. You have to know what you want. You need to stop wasting time and energy on what you cannot change, instead focusing your energy on what you can change.
You can do this, and you can heal and recover in the quickest time possible. It WAS all an illusion and a mind trick – the fastest way to undo a mind trick illusion, is to work on your mind – It works!!
My own life changes, healing and recovery
I decided that I had had enough, that i didn’t want to go around in the crazy cycle anymore. I made the decision that I needed to change my life.
Step one was leaving the relationship
Step two was spending a good few weeks, undoing the mind control (this was tougher than I realised) I had no idea how brainwashed I had became, until I left. For weeks my thoughts, were confused.
Step three was becoming focused, and focusing on what i could change, and letting go of what i couldn’t
Step four is putting those plans into action
Step five – is the rest of my life 🙂
See the truth, set yourself free.
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Dating a Sociopath 
Absolutely so true….I love this post it’s exactly what I needed to read this morning thank you pos. I’m 78 hours nc now and it feels good. Found out he had two other women on the go….as if lying about having cancer and lying about our wedding wasn’t enough! But this,this has made me feel anger a far more positive emotion that the mourning I was feeling. I now finally realize that he’s a vile,evil excuse of a man and that I deserve SO much more than him. I am left with the thought ‘ how bloody dare you you f###wit’ nasty nasty human being.
WELL DONE ON 72 HOURS Laura!!! Ugh, I hope that every day a little bit of sunshine comes into your life.
How are you doing? You know this whole thing with lists, if you are having a bad day, it can help to focus your mind. This guy – well sounds like he is 2 women’s problem now.
It is like a virus isn’t it? A bad virus – that just spreads!!!
Positives and negatives….. That’s me. One minute I’m ready to get on with my life….then I get another threatening email.😩
6 months since I left him,and he’s still in my damn head.
Time… That’s the key.
Well,if anyone of us meets another man,let’s hope we all get it right this time. That’s what keeps me going,that’ll I’ll finally meet that NORMAL man one day.
I feel I need so many answers,as to why,but I have to stop that,as I’ll not get any from him.
One thing I’ve decided,for me I suppose. When I finally get divorced,I’m going to write him a letter,and say all the things I’ve bottled up through the years. It won’t do any good I know,but it’ll make me feel better.
❤
This time of year was a little hard but since I broke up with him 3 months ago things have gone exactly how iv wanted them to. Exactly like you said we and the relationship were stuck at a horrible dead end going back and forth.
Time is key! You will recover. Many people don't have self respect and are not so brave so be proud of how far you have come .. Whatever stage you are at!
🙂
It is amazing how life isn’t exactly all roses, but all sorts of positive things start happening. I know it is for me and it’s been almost 6 months now.
No contact was the easy part. He made sure through his court drama and restraining order (which I did NOT fight, because HELL I wanted him to leave me alone) was in place. IF he contacted me after all that, HE would be in violation and I WOULD take him to court.
Mine did it to himself. But I always knew, and even told him he was an emotional masochist and enjoyed the heartache. I do think there is an element to this truth.
They are so accustom to abuse from their own past, that they can’t accept anything else. Anyways, food for thought.
Thank you so much! Your posts are always right on the target. I am 10 days NC now, and it hurts. It’s different this time, because he is not even attempting to contact me. And even though I thought that’s what I wanted, it still hurts. And almost feel like I don’t want this, I want to go back and live in that illusion, because it didn’t hurt like it hurts now…i know it’s odd. I feel hopeless, and that I will never meet anyone else, and that I gave my best years to him. And now I am completely alone, with my baby. I feel ashamed of myself, and worthless. There is no one that I can explain things to and who will understand, because my friends and family left a long time ago (they told me what they thought about him and our relationship at the time, but I didn’t listen).. i feel discouraged, as if my hole world have shattered, and I don’t know how to rebuild and how to start over. I don’t have any power or reason. Sorry for my letter . You may not want to post it, but I have no one else to talk to. I can’t afford therapy. Thank you so much for being there.
Tia.
You are so strong for taking the first few steps! Well done very brave! It’s hard at first but it will get better in time.
Come to this website every time u feel alone as we are all here to help and support you as we have all been through the same struggle.
I know exactly what u mean about feeling that you want to go back to him and the fauls allusion, as u feel u were happier then. This will pass and when it does u will know.
You are doing the right thing for you and your baby.
Support is here as it is hard!
Keep going you are strong
❤
Thank you Alice!! 🙂
I so agree with you, about the pain of the loss, and why the illusion was – just so ‘right’ of course it was, it was mirroring you, and your life….. only….. in exchange for this, it took your life.
Everything you said was me! I was broken to the point of no return. I9 yrs of my life- all a lie!
I had no idea that any person could be so evil
It took me 1.5 years to come out of the fog.
I cried for months and months.
I was strong , fun loving , and filled with joy until he brainwashed me into thinking I was weak and worthless. I read everything possible about narcissistic people. And finally I came to understand how SICK these people are. Not me!! Him!! It’s been 6 yrs free and it’s hard to believe I was so addicted to this evil man! Free and happy , loving my life, thriving ! It is the hardest thing I ever did but
Please know the pain will leave and you d see will be healed- one day at a time💕💕🙏🏻
Hi Tia, I am here!!!
You are not alone. I understand how you are feeling. I feel the same way as you right now. So you are in good company.
Yes. It hurts right? You gave this person everything, and they couldn’t treat you right. You put your life on the line, you didn’t listen to people who cared about you, so they gave up?
Is there anyway that you could call family and old friends? And say to them that you have split up? What do you think that the reception would be, if you did that? Or are you hurt, that they walked out of your life?
You question whether you have done the right thing. I understand about the illusion and that the illusion is less painful than this. But – I want to also remind you of a few things.
What about the control? That you couldn’t have a life? What about that you lost your family and friends? Would a man that is good for you take so much from you and your life?
I know that he has made you feel worthless, and that empty space, that he worked so hard to feel, feels like a huge hole in your heart, and in in your life…..but ….. if he came back in to fill it, that is all that you would have – HIM!!!
And then, when he lets you down again, there would once again be a big empty space.
You do have your baby, that will grow with you. I am sure that you didn’t give your best years. Your best years are yet to come. Your baby will grow and develop and bring so much joy and sunshine into your life. You have so much to look forward to.
So look at where you can start off…. what about mother and baby groups, so that you can make new friends? DO you have any in your area? You are not alone. I am here, and I hear you, and I understand exactly where you are.
What about old family and friends, how do you feel about calling them? These are things that you CAN make changes – with him you CANT make him change. For he cannot change. But you can bring in new changes for you!!!
Hi I feel completely ridiculous, I met someone whom I thought was fantastic, but just after 2 short weeks it was all done, It started out fast and furious, the complements were unbelievable, felt like I could do not wrong, and the sex was beyond anything I have ever experienced. He wanted it to just be us, (we met on line) but, he would not tell this one girl about me, claimed he didn’t want to hurt her feelings so he lied to her saying that he didn’t want to be in a relationship and that he was still in love with his ex, I saw the text, however her kept texting her infront of me, Needless to say that did not sit well with me, so I told him how I felt and everything went south, he went on to say I was full of drama and that I was accusing him of things and pointing my finger at him, and that he has never met anybody so insecure and to grow up, What I don’t understand is if he was so into me like he said, why wouldn’t he tell her. I made a fool of myself and begged him to come back, but he didn’t. Did I run into a sociopath? It’s not like we are teenagers we are both 50 yrs of age.
You need a plan!! A plan for Tia’s life. A wonderful plan to rebuild. Did you try doing the list of what you CAN change, and what you CANT change?
What things did you have on your list that you CAN change?
I totally understand and have been there. One step at a time. Just follow everyone’s advice about reversing the brain washing and hang in there! I just said the same thing to someone about missing the illusion of a happy life and couldn’t I just go back to those happy days… It gets better!
I can’t thank you enough for your support!
You see, I have been rebuilding my life, slowly, after I realized what happened and who he was…i had left him many times before. I have a good job, and a home..but I did it all for him! So we could have that better life together! I am such a fool, because I did give up my friends and family to be with him. And Now It’s been so Many years, and I have been Pretending that everything Was Fine. I don’t know how live without him..
Ok, so you have 3 things that he has not taken away from you. 3 things that give you hope, security and stability
Your baby
A good job
Your home
Do you know how amazing that is? Lets play devils advocate here…… what if…..
You had HIM and you didn’t have those 3 things? You have good foundations here to rebuild your life.
Can you call your old friends, and family? It might be that they miss you. Have they met your baby? I bet they would love to be involved in your babies life!! You might be surprised!
Yes, it is a risk, and they might reject you. But I would imagine that the reason that they walked away, is because they didn’t want to see you get hurt.
Imagine that then you could have
Baby
Good job
Home
Friends
Family
You won’t know until you reach out to them!
I know, how much it hurts that you gave everything to someone. That they could have had it all – In fact…. this song is ringing in my head, as I write this to you. This song is just for you Tia
You can do this, you CAN and you WILL rebuild, when in the future, he is there with his lonely life, burning bridges as he always does. You KNOW how to rebuild. You already know how to create a beautiful life. You have your baby, your home, your job, now is the time to bring other people back in your life. Don’t hold back. Don’t fear bringing those people back into your life, just ‘in case’ he comes back……. as really other people will bring you more joy, and make your heart sing more than he ever could. For real!
That was an awesome song! I am going to hold on to that too on the dark days…
It was 3 months of No contact and I was doing slightly better. My version of NC was not messaging him or returning his messages, though i was still checking his Whatsapp status everyday and Checking out his facebook page daily. So i guess it was not really NC and that is why today after all these months, i had a weak moment and I messaged him. It went from a hi how you to please leave your wife to be with me………….. thats how bad i got. I begged him to tell me when he would leave her. and as usual he said, he is in the process of leaving her and that we would be together.
I feel like a complete and utter stupid fool. Sometimes i think i will never get over this man. That my entire life will be spent in complete misery. Please help!
Hi 41andreborn
You are not a failure for contacting him. Even though you feel like one, and you feel stupid for letting your guard down and hoping that this time things will be different.
When we do something like this, it is just for ONE more fix, of the treats that they provided, that just felt ‘so nice’. But of course, this was just the illusion.
When you do no contact, after a while, you can become consumed by the illusion, then of course, you reach out and get one of two responses.
1. Either they respond as you want them to, and they lure you back in again, only to do the same thing to you again.
2. He responded as the one that you texted responded. This is initially the most hurtful response, but in a way is the best one for you. As at least you are not being sucked back in again, only to be rejected again at a later date.
Try not to be too hard on yourself. It is normal to love someone, and to respond to loving someone this is normal. Someone abusing you is not normal.
You will learn from this experience and it will help you to keep no contact in the future. if you look at it like quitting an addiction (like smoking) sometimes people have to quit a lot of times, before they do finally kick the habit.
Your entire life WON’T be spent in misery, this is just one jack ass of a guy who is cheating on his wife. A player, get him down off that pedestal that he clearly doesn’t deserve to be on!! In fact, kick the stool so he falls off…..
thanks, what you say is the truth and I am very aware of how i have regressed. What we had was so powerful and I had never loved anyone like that before. Oh even typing this makes me wanna cry.
The lies, the deceit were all too often and painful. He caused so much pain for both his wife and me. But at the end of the day, i was the one he left, yet i am the one he still wont let go.
At this moment as i sit here, i have one eye open on google chat. Staring at the green dot that says he is online. I know that by behaviour is becoming as obsessive as his once was. I know that they lead one to feel like the one that is insane. I know that he is not good for me, i know that even if we were together that i could never trust him again…. my mind tells me all the logical things, but my heart, my body, craves to be with him. Its been four years of this insanity. i just want a normal life.
This is it, you want a NORMAL LIFE. I think that this is what anyone who has been involved with one wants.
If we are truthful, when we love them we would love to have a normal life with them (or at least I would have wanted that, I loved him)…… but well they can’t be normal.
Remember the no contact rule? This means blocking them – on ALL social networking sites, yes it is painful to go through (same as you get withdrawals when you quit anything that is addictive). …. this is all that it is, an addiction.
We all know that smoking cigarettes is bad for your health, takes all your money, makes you look like crap. Yet we still smoke? …..
Can you block him? Are you brave enough to do this?
Reblogged this on empoweredwomenspeak.
Thank you julie
I am useless at stopping smoking too 🙂 that made me smile. It was one of the things he constantly was at me to do.
I want to block him, I have in the past only to unblock him again because it drives me crazy not knowing………….. i am a social media junkie, but sometimes i think it is only so that i can keep an eye on him and also because i know he checks my pages to.
yes, i do want to stop all of this. I do want a normal life. It is what i wanted with him and what he said he wanted with me. yet he brought all the drama into our life together.
I also know from the readings that it was all in my head, that he was pretending to be the man i wanted. that the true him revealed himself and it was someone i hated. A liar, a cheat, deceitful, cruel and manipulating. How often i lay on the floor in a pile of tears crying at his feet, begging him not to leave me, to choose me, how often did i have to hear him say he loves me and does not mean to hurt me. and how often did he turn around and hurt me again and again. How often did he let his wife scream hurtful things at me. how often did he humiliate me and how often did i belittle and humiliate myself in the process. i lost my self respect and dignity.
I gave up a marriage for him. Not a happy one, but not an unhappy one either. I gave up my job, because he was losing his and i thought by leaving that he would be able to keep his (long story that one) I moved to be closer to him.
i travelled for a month to foreign countries to find myself. Only to come back and find that this broken weak women was still here!
I alienated friends and family. I got them back but how disappointed would they be right now to read that I am still caught up in the grips of this pain.
I know that blocking him, doing no contact is the right thing to do. I know that to do it halfheartedly has not helped.
I dont know if i am brave enough!
What do you have to lose? Right now you are losing YOURSELF!!!
What can you lose by blocking him?
You say that you lost family and friends due to him, and got them back. Again you risk this, only next time it might be harder to win them back.
As you understand the quitting smoking analogy, this is how I am going to explain it to you.
Trying to get a normal life while still having a few ‘puffs’ of him, is only going to keep your addiction going. How difficult do you think it would be, to quit smoking, if you had the odd one every now and again?
What happens when you quit smoking? How crazy does your body feel? When you are dying, desperate, for ‘just one puff’….. but you know that one puff, will lead to another and another, and before you know it, you are back to full time smoking again.
Starting the quit is the hardest. I think that the same thing applies, with going no contact. The first 3 days are the most difficult. After this, it is then the 3 week period. By now, you are starting to feel better, and you think that perhaps you can just ‘handle’ …. one…. after all you have been ‘good’ and quit for 3 weeks. The next phase, if you keep going, is at 3 months. By now you have forgotten the reasons that you quit in the first place. By now you feel that you are strong, and you don’t understand why 3 months in you suddenly get an overwhelming urge to have one puff….. you think that you can overcome it… and so, you just have one. I did that, and you know it was years later, that i was trying to quit again.
it works the same way. What has happened is that you became dependent on him. He sold you the dream, told you what you wanted to hear.
You know EVEN if he left his wife for you, the truth is, that it would still be messy. Also if he cheated on her, likely he would cheat on you too. Also he wouldn’t have the respect for you either, if he wasn’t happy he could blame you for breaking up his marriage. Also, people often find that being in a relationship for real is very different to having an affair, when someone else is doing the cooking and the cleaning.
You know in your heart, that this is going nowhere, you just have to get through the addiction. You CAN do this.
Another thing too… you say that you just want a normal life. Well, the right man cannot get in, if the WRONG man is in the way!
Thanks positivagirl! I have taken your advice and am doing this one day at a time. thank you for your patience with me….
I have blocked him from all the social media platforms i can think of and have in the process blocked myself from checking up on him.
I need this change.
,oh well done!! I am proud of you!! Go you remember no pain no gain!!
Oh, I changed my name from 41andReborn to JustOne as it was just another reminder of my failure to stop wanting him
Small steps…. Better small steps than no steps at all. Now you can walk forward yes it will hurt a bit but blocking him has taken bravery and was a brilliant thing to do today. Oh don’t forget to reward yourself too!!
Positivagirl, thanks for the song! Yes, it’s exactly me, and about me. And I guess that’s just it- I can’t get over this in my head that we could have had it all. He fed me promises about how beautiful our life is going to be as soon as he ‘finishes’ with all his issues…but it never happened, for eight years.
I am grateful for all my blessings, and thank you so much for reminding me. I do know what I have, and my little boy is the reason for me to keep going…and as for the friends and family, I am not ready to call them, I am afraid we will have nothing in common, and they will think I am a failure. I did give up a lot and lost a lot to be with him. He also influenced me to become more religious, and I was following that path for all this time. That has also influenced my relationships with others, and people thought I was straight out crazy. But I did develop friendships within the religious community…it’s just so complicated, because now I even question that – my faith and everything that I have done in all these eight years…thank you so much, u don’t know what I would have done without you listening…
Anytime. Sometimes it can take a while to undo the brainwashing. It has been 8 years of it.
Thank you for this article! And congratulations on your new job 🙂 I am so happy for you!!
Thank you so much for this Positivagirl!!!!! Congratulations on your new job!! What a blessing you are for others, and now you have been blessed immensely. I am so happy for you!!! Everyday (almost, lol) I look forward to hearing from you. I now follow you on Facebook.
I feel like I still am in the beginning stages of recovery. It has been 4 years for me and the ground still feels shaky. I am now back in school and I got my own place, which I moved into last year on my birthday!!! I’m 27 now. Therapy, meditation, exercise and rebuilding a relationship with God has helped me see my own part in these relationships.
I have been with SP/NP back to back to back since I was 19…..it literally took me to a place where I wanted to take my life at 23. I married one SP right after the other previous one left me, and then he kept coming back…..he just recently stopped trying to contact me last November.
All of them have the same detrimental characteristics which I thought when I was younger meant that they were an Alpha Male……and that’s what I thought I needed in my life. I was pretty much brain washed from earlier on I guess.
Recently I met a guy that I have been spending a lot of time with. I met him on the way to see a movie by myself, I thought it would be a good start to take myself out and enjoy my own company. Every since that day, we have been going out to eat a lot, to bars, he picks me up and takes me places. (currently looking for a new car- 4th one in 5 years, smh)
I told myself beforehand, that I still need to be single for awhile and work on myself….so no dating till I’m 30 or fully recovered, lol. I call myself setting boundaries with him, which we have managed to break all of them. I’m trying to find ways to distant myself. I think to myself,
What is it about ME that attracts them? There must be something still lingering that is still attracting them.
This morning I woke up startled to have him at the edge of my bed hovered over me.( I had him sleep on the couch, he completely ignored our conversation about taking a break, and said he was too sleepy to walk home. He lives a block away.)
I didn’t hear him this morning when he walked in, I’m a light sleeper. He claims he was waking me up because we were late, when really we had an extra hour to spare. I didn’t even know how long he been there, but the feeling of having my privacy invaded was overwhelming and taking me back to a place I thought I would never go…..
So yes, this blog….everything you stand for, the work you do….is a blessing….I am softly trying to get myself out of this situation before it gets any messier.
Divorce went through this week – 4 years after discovering his sex addiction, 3 years after moving out and 1 year after finally starting the horrific court battle which has consumed my life. Even with all that, I let him talk to me in person for the first time in almost a year and I was absolutely crazy in the head again. By the end of it, he had me going to therapy with paying for it because I am “not the person he married” and he was “concerned” about me. It’s insidious. If we didn’t have a child together, I would be so much better at no contact but I have to play the game to keep his rage at bay because he has my daughter for some visitation. This is a great blog and I need things like this everyday to be able to bring myself back from going down the rabbit hole. Thank you!
Whoop a week and 7 hours nc xxx
Thank you for another amazing post.
Congratulations on the job!!
I started a new job this week too – my ex-created fake documents to encourage me to go freelance. So I left my last job – I can still remember the look on his face when I handed my notice in (took a lot of persuasion and promises). In the end I was so excited to be working with him on his social projects. I thought the look of glee was happiness to be working together – but in hindsight it was the smug satisfaction that I had believed his lies. I can remember this face and bring it to mind every time I miss my illusory man.
He even tried to block my other freelance work as he wanted my undivided attention – but luckily I kept it so wasn’t made homeless by his actions.
I’ve been no contact for 7 weeks and still cry every day, my hear still hurts, but it’s slowly easing. I feel bad too that my family raised alarms – but I was so caught up in his lies I didn’t want to see it.
I’m trying to see my new job as a blessing – it’s going to take me months to get financially stable again. I’ve also found I have no confidence – been meeting new colleagues and I feel like I have nothing to offer. My office is just men and I’m finding their ‘banter’ upsetting – where as before I could brush that kind of talk off. Now I’m upset for their wives – do they know their husbands are joking about their bodies at work?
I just feel so broken and lost – I’m struggling to hold things together. When I’m with others I’m pretending I’m fine. But I can’t trust my own judgement anymore – the world doesn’t feel safe.
Almost two weeks NC, and today i cant stop crying. Tomorrow is my birthday. I cant help remembering my other birthdays, spent with him. He has not reached out to me, in these two weeks, he has not even tried, why am i feeling like this today. As if i am the loser because he does not want me.
I’m 17 days just one and mine hasn’t tried to reach out to me…perhaps yours maybe like mine and have another victim lined up? Well done on 2 weeks nc…isn’t it blinking hard?xx
ive been doing my best to get away from a sociopath my whole life. my mother! ive been to counseling with her(dosent work as you have stated)! they are masters at conning the counselor! i drug my mother to one who after we both made a few visits he tells me in no uncertain terms to “get away from your mother! get as far a way as you can! dont speak to her break off all contact! get away!” he didnt explain why! this was before i had any idea what a sociopath was. i only new i couldnt get away from my mother! she guilted me into quitting my job to help her care for her parents always with the promise that as soon as they died she wouldnt need me anymore! they both pass away! in the meantime my aunt passes away and leaves me enough money to have a nice start to my life! she went crazy! she couldnt take the idea that i was independent totally from her! i still didnt know what a sociopath was but started looking into every thing i could about what the hell is going on. she lied about eveything! she dropped to her knees and begged me to build her a house with my money to let her “die at daddy’s”! this is so hard to write to look back at all of my life wasted by not knowing anything about this personality. she had told me when i was a kid. dont you worry i know hot to get what i want from your father. this showed me later that she was the true manipulator! she knew every way to guilt past the point of not being able to say no!. again this is my mother!do you think i was ever allowed to love myself? ever told anything good? i always made mistakes! at least in her eyes! after reading and reading and building this house which took all of my money i figured it out. only because of this website was i able to see this. most of the psychiatric pages on the web define it in medical terms. when i started reading here was i enlightened! so i go back to the counselor. the one who had told me to leave but i couldn’t figure why and he didn’t explain. i said to him “i figured it out! my moms a sociopath. she has drained me of everything”! he said “what are you gonna do about it? get away! he also recommended that i stay out of relationships as i had no basis for being able to select a healthy mate. well now ive just turned 50! thats right. 50! im selling the house! by the way she lives in my house i live in hers. everything is so bizarre! my friend said ive had a big “ah ha”! shes getting an apartment. so many people have rallied on my side! shes 75! pretty good health. gets around well. im not going to get away from her totally just away from her to have any financial control over me! so how does one heal? this is normal for me? im a handsome man the women love me! the sociopathic ones! they come to me like flies to sugar because ive been groomed by one. i cant heal. i dont know what normal is. 3 weeks ago an old girlfriend appeared. textbook case sociopath! talk about emotions swinging. i got a call from her sister that she was too drunk to drive and would i go get her. i hadnt seen her in 2 years. i couldnt see the harm. i picked her up brought her home. she went to bed in one room. got up went to the other bedroom. then came downstairs and wanted to sleep with me. i refused. she has invaded my space since. i ask her to never stop by unannounced. i asked her if she would like me to do the same. she said i was welcome anytime i just might not like what i see. that she was screwing around with a married man from work. they were both doing drugs and having great sex! i told her to leave me alone and im done. she texted today. i cant block them. cheap phone! my heart went crazy. she still has that hold over me. like an idiot i replied. she wanted to see me. i said i was too busy. i have to maintain no contact. all of this going on at the same time! they say when it rains it pours! this is a life hurricane for me! thanks for all of the time you spent unselfishly writing so all of us can learn about this. i dont know where i would be if i hadnt stumbled on here!
the hardest part is starting over everything in my life broken and my heath has been terrible. I keep trying but I am struggling to walk and have no energy. I had to go though so much to try and keep my home and he made sure I had no cancer check or even a drivable car. I just contacted someone to fix my truck (he promised of course) It is the heath part that is making it so hard and doctors who don’t understand I need to be up and running to save my little world and not be homeless. My credit has been destroyed of course. My family blamed me for choosing him and I have not ever gotten into something like this before or been married at all. Every corner of my life has been hit. I have made good progress but what do you do if you are really sick, it destroyed my immune system factually. I have never felt so ugly and hopeless as this “marriage” has done to me and I have over come lots of stuff but this is far bigger “exponentially” My trust, my faith, my finances, my health, my friends, my transportation. Its hard to try and recover without even little things to pull you up. I hope this helps someone else get out before its too late. And yes my reputation he turned everything around and I suffered from courts and cops with his lies and will for the rest of my life. I have never had any dealings with the court system it is anything but “just.” I think that is the other great reason I have been impacted so hard….trust in society destroyed. Some good kind people have helped and I am so grateful, they saw what was actually happening but the violation of the legal system when
you have no money or “experience” is difficult to come to terms with and
I mean difficult because of how much a violation it is while you think that
honesty and truth will prevail and it means basically nothing at all. I hope
I can write something more positive some day that I even recover to do so. Do we ever heal? Do we ever trust. Do we ever recover financially enough to feel safe and not live in fear struggling for an existence instead of thriving? I was never physically abused in any other relationship before. It never crossed my mind that I would be.
and if anyone wonders why I need an old truck it is because I live on a little farm and I have poured my heart into building it for 30 years, it has been the miracle of my life and he tried to destroy it to. There is no public transportation here and it needs to heal like me, it is getting there.
I have some house mates now and that was hard because of my damaged trust and I had lost the ability to even talk to people, another first in my life. I still struggle at times and am not at all the upbeat person I was who even led a support group for those with chronic pain. I was the cheerleader. I feel like every part of my being was ripped apart. My cancer doctors are all out of town, because of my diagnosis and I just wanted some stability with that. The doctors currently treating me are close by but not the kind you would want to trust your family with, they would fail. I wish it were different. I am hoping I can get enough strength to get more dependable help for my health, DVM’s do a better job than this. I have pernicious anemia for one thing and that is tough if “they” don’t get it, it was missed too long, difficult to get to doctors when you are struggling to first save you husband’s life then they are physically being bashed around, but “he wasn’t using his hands”, never kept their word on anything, did things behind your back, empty apologies, but used you for everything they needed, and how do you focus on mere health issues when you are fighting for everything else and are ducking. I don’t think people get dental care in a war zone.
Each day you struggle with new emergencies like just keeping your power on and food and trying to save your beloved farm of a lifetime? Even raising money selling stuff required my truck I didn’t trust people to come to my property anymore. Even cleaning up his destruction was delayed because of transportation. I was eventually lent a car and I am grateful. Then it broke and my health failed and I lost my new job. I am living on faith that I will make it and I will somehow get stronger. I keep trying I had a self pay doctor who was good when my hmo failed and he got sick and retired. Now I can’t afford such. you shouldn’t need it but it can really help it you don’t get the care you should with insurance. I forgot how I had struggled without the extra specialist who listened and didn’t have a waiting list of months out and called back. I need to have enough energy to find better care. Sorry I am tired of struggling on all fronts. I poured my heart into my husband’s health and his mother’s and then I was abused, had my things broken and so much more. Health, trust, finances, social network and family. I swear he damaged every single corner of my life and being. It is beyond anything I can seem to adapt to. Seven years of hell but it didn’t end the damage goes on and on. I want to smile again and just enjoy a day without some fear to deal with something ugly. Please someone leave so this doesn’t happen to you.
Hi YES absolutely you can heal!! Absolutely you can recover your life. I can only share my own experiences. But for me, it was accepting the losses, that things that were not really serving my higher purpose and that was let go, for something better to come into my life. it does take time, I think dealing with the sense of betrayal is hard, and that is painful. this is a grieving process. Then on top of that, there is undoing the brain washing and mind control. Finally it is about forgiveness, most of all forgiving yourself. You can do this, it will get better. I promise you.
Hi I just found this site. I’ve just seen some of your videos and a post about how to detect sociopath. It gave me hope and everything is making much more sense now! I have sought help from God, but the answer was too abstract for me to understand the reality of human mind. Your explanation makes much more realistic sense to me. I feel like I am actually the sane person! It’s just I’ve met some insane people and I was too kind and being used. I haven’t read much of your articles yet. I need to explore your website. But I can’t help to thank you! Thank you! I hope you will help me! Thank God!
We would not be here, trying to piece together the madness of our relationships, if these guys weren’t mentally disordered. We were nice to them. We didn’t listen to ourselves. I bet everyone here saw red flags the very first week. Instead of obsessing about these guys, who are as fake as game show hosts, we need to ask ourselves, “Why did I put up with the mistreatment for so long?”. They found us because we seemed weak. We need to get stronger! 🙂 without becoming like them, of course.
They are bad for us. That’s why were upset, depressed. All of them hurt us and didn’t care. It’s up to us to finally understand that we weren’t loved, that they do it to everyone and we weren’t special in any way. it is hard, but necessary.
‘Fake as game show hosts’ Lol i love this!!