Me, the sociopath and a very special book

Angels in my hair

It was five years ago, that I was sat on a train station and realised with dismay that I had missed the train. I sighed as I realised that the next train wouldn’t be along for at least another hour.

I wandered to the book store at the edge of the railway station, and after picking up some snacks for the journey, I was pulled towards the book department. The books were neatly displayed in sections of topical interest. I felt drawn to the section that had a sign above in bold print ‘spiritual’. It was here that I would buy a book, which would have a deep impact on me.

I didn’t really know what it was that I was looking for, but I did remember that once I was told in spiritual church, that angels will help you to find the book that you need to read. I was drawn towards a book by Lorna Byrne, called Angels in my hair.

After making my purchase at the till, where the assistant smiled warmly at me, I headed towards the train platform, keen not to miss the next train.

The journey to Manchester felt like a long one. To pass the time, I started to read the book. It was March 2010. At this point in my life, I had not met either the Narcissist or the Sociopath. My daughter had died at birth 2 months earlier, and her father had left within days. I was sad, as anybody would be at that time of their life, but I was also still living innocent.

As I read the first few chapters, I knew that this was a book that I was meant to own. The book had a strong impact on me, within the first few chapters, the author described her life, one of a person that from childhood, could see angels. She described a life where until the age of five, she played with a little boy that she presumed was her brother. She watched as her brother often sat on her mother’s lap, while she rested in front of the fire place. Lorna noted how her brother appeared brighter than other people, full of light, but as a small child, never questioned why. Lorna was surprised to learn, at the age of 5, that the little boy she had played with, was not alive, and was actually her brother who had died shortly after birth.

As a mother who had recently lost a daughter at birth, this book struck a strong emotional cord with me. I held it tight, and felt that it was perhaps something that I was meant to read. Maybe it was telling me something, that perhaps there was more to the life than what we see.

I never really read the whole book. For some reason, it was as if those first few chapters, were the important pages, which sent a message to me. My daughter was still around me, even if I couldn’t see her. I returned from Manchester, and put the book safely away in a drawer next to my bed.

I hadn’t thought about this book too much, although the message had stayed with me. It was almost two years later, when the man that I had met, who I thought was the love of my life, moved quickly into my home.

I hadn’t mentioned the book, or its significance to me, so I was surprised, when, after unpacking his suitcases, he approached me, as I sat on the sofa in my kitchen, and said softly, ‘I have something for you, it is a book, I think you might like it’. He held out his hand, and as I looked at the book, I froze. It was the same book. Angels in my hair. He told me how he had picked it up and read it on a plane.

I ran upstairs to check if my copy of the book was still in the drawer, in the bedside table, next to the bed. It was. I looked at the man in front of me, and explained the significance of this book, at that moment, there was a connection between us that was felt, not just in the heart, but in the soul.

Unbeknown to me, this book, Angels in my hair, would diffuse many difficult situations, with the man that I at that point in my life, had no idea was actually a compulsive pathological liar, and a sociopath.

Whenever things became really bad, I would yell ‘STOP, ANGELS IN MY HAIR’. Each time, he would be still, pause, and not always stop the behaviour, but the behaviour would be tamed.

I didn’t know when he handed me that book that a year later, I would begin to write a blog, called Dating a Sociopath. I could hardly believe that datingasociopath.com was a free website, and that somebody else hadn’t taken it. I immediately paid for the name, and began to write. At that point in my life, in February 2013. I knew who he was, and he knew who he was too. We had spent the previous eight months, reading books from the library, researching, watching YouTube videos. My mother even bought me Without Conscience by Robert Hare for my birthday.

Throughout 2013, the sociopath in my life, was probably beyond crazy. He stalked me, harassed me, threatened me, and made my life hell. Not that readers of this site would have known this. The police were called, probably three times a week to my home. No contact didn’t really work, as if I ignored him, the texts/calls would escalate, until he was outside shouting and yelling outside of my home. I was almost evicted for anti-social behaviour. Life was spinning out of control.

I realised that it was pointless, and futile to raise his behaviour with him. So, instead, I would write posts, knowing that he would read it, and hoping that perhaps the message would get through (it was worth a shot, I loved him). This became the foundation of my website. A blog, which was writing to the person in my life, explaining how his behaviour looked to me, and what the impact of his behaviour was on me, and how it made me feel.

The strangest thing, is this. During 2013, I would constantly be locked out of my email, Facebook etc., as he hacked into my accounts. My life was hell, and I lived my life in 2013, as I recluse, barely seeing anyone, and just writing this site, writing posts to him. In a desperate attempt to help him to change.  Sociopaths do not have too much respect, as was evident by his hacking into my Facebook, and Email accounts. I had changed my password so many times, that I would lock myself out, as I struggled to keep up and remember new passwords. Yet, despite this, despite that I wrote with honesty about his behaviour, he always respected this website, and would never do anything to harm it.

If ever he complained, (as sociopaths like to be private), I would simply say the words to him Angels in my hair…. And he would pause, and simply say ‘ok’.

Perhaps, this book was just a coincidence, maybe which happens a lot, two people have the same book? Maybe? I do know that I had never mentioned my copy of the book, or its significance to me, before he handed me his copy. I also know, that it is the one connection between us, which has enabled him to accept that I wrote about his behaviour, and would continue to do so.

I often wonder, ‘was I meant to meet him?’ did our time together have a purpose? Whenever things became difficult between us (which was often), I would say the phrase, Angels in my hair, and always he would stop, pause, and rethink his behaviour.

Within ¾ months of writing, I was shortlisted for Cosmopolitan blogger of the year. I was asked to be on Huffington Post Live, twice. Within 2 years, this site had attracted 1.5 million readers in over 250 countries around the world.

This is the origins of this website. A person who was writing to her sociopath partner. It was easier than trying to have a conversation about it. Always he would be angry, deflect, blame me, and say ‘well what about?’… Something irrelevant. I never intended it to be a popular website, although I felt a strong pull to write. I couldn’t stop writing.

In 2014, I gave him another chance, and took him back into my life. In my mind, I wondered, as his behaviour patterns continued, I wondered if I could have him in my life, and write about his behaviour. After all, isn’t that how journalists work? They go to war, to report on war stories. Besides this, despite his behaviour, which I knew all about, I loved him. I was not the Sociopath, with fickle emotions. This was a man that I loved, with all of my heart. Probably, the greatest love of my life. I am the type of woman, who is used to adverse behaviour, I don’t expect perfection. Probably I would be bored with a man, that was perfect, ‘who is perfect anyway?’ Perhaps I liked the challenge. Or maybe I saw something other than the behaviour. There was something about us, some pull, and a connection, that I cannot explain, or understand. It was beyond Sociopath manipulation, and mind control. Of which he did this too. This was a spiritual connection, which was felt, not just in my heart, but in my soul.

We finally split in January 2015. His controlling behaviour had become too much. It hadn’t worked, me writing and being with him. In fact, quite the reverse, it became impossible to write, as he controlled me, and my mind so much, I shut down, and couldn’t write any more. I felt numb, dead inside, and had nothing left to offer, or give. I had nothing to give to myself, let alone anyone else. I sank into depression, and felt terrible, for not continuing with my work here. I developed writers block with this site, and struggled to write here. I have so many posts in draft form, but were never published. I had fear of WordPress that I couldn’t shake off. So, I would write regularly on the Facebook page, but not here.

Earlier this year, I decided that writing was in my past. That I needed to focus on my own healing and recovery, and thought I would look for a job in the real world. I soon obtained a job, and began working with a fantastic team of people. It was great being back in the work place again, as it is isolating, being at home and writing. I really enjoyed it. But in my heart, I was pulled back to writing, and felt that there is work that I still need to do.

I know that this is very long. Many people had questioned, ‘how could I write, and the sociopath know about it and not try to destroy the site?’ the answer – is simply – Angels in my hair.

True story – All rights reserved datingasociopath.com 2015

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22 thoughts on “Me, the sociopath and a very special book

  1. I’ve read your site for awhile. I thought it only happened to me. No one believes me still, even with modern technology no one will bother to investigate all the hacked emails, accounts, wtc. My life was destroyed and I bc on

  2. Hello again, I got reading this because of those comments from Zelda which appeared in my inbox. I agree with your estimation that s/he is probably a sociopath or similar. Causing trouble, who would do such a thing? 😁

    But it is this post that is really intriguing. I wonder, do you consider the book Angels in my Hair as symbolic of the connection you share(d)? Understanding that maybe the point of this is to draw one’s own conclusions, I would still ask why you feel those words made him stop? Like you said in your exchange with Zelda, some of us like to learn for the joy of learning. I hope to, with your help, learn the significance of Angels in my Hair (as sadly the understanding isn’t innate).

      1. Actually, I was trying to validate your feelings so you might reply about the Angels book. I don’t care to join in that discussion or talk about it any further – unless you want to. Please, I really did come here to ask about the Angels. If you don’t mind taking the time?

      2. Well thanks for your honesty at least. I’ll respond in kind and admit I’m stumped, which is why I asked you. Perhaps there is a glimmer of love on his part. Or he doesn’t want to take the flack of all your followers ganging up on him. Would it be stupid to suggest you ask him? Or is that not possible?

  3. Your website is invaluable and precipes to me. I have shared it with many. However I have to say something you may not agree with. When u refer to your sociopath and use the words SPECIAL BOND or PULL, CONNECTION and SPIRITUAL BOND I have to speak some truth. I also have been in such a relationship and I also felt this way but the truth is there is nothing special going on between a sociopath and a healthy emotional person. IT Feels that way but it’s a smoke screen. The only thing special going on is that HE NEEDS something you have. It may be money or whatever but underneath it all HE needs a life force because they feel nothing. I currently have one at work and he always says to me “baby you and me are close I know u like a book and you know me” this is usually right before he’s going to ask me to pay his cell phone bill or give him 20 bucks for gas. DON’T BE FOOLED. WHEN u have a special bond with someone they put your needs before theirs not the other way around. I suggest you look up some info on SOUL TIES and learn how to break the one u have created with your sociopath and be free for real. Tks for listening…Michelle

    1. Hey Michelle, I love your comment. I do understand about soul ties, and wrote a post a few years ago, about cutting the ties, and asking Archangel Michael to help you with this.

      I wasn’t putting this in an illusionist box, with rose coloured glasses.

      When I met him, I was in a very bad way. He did help to pull me out of trauma. We split in January 2015. And are both today, living our own lives.

      So much happened during those years, that I have no doubt that it was somebody that I was meant to meet.

      Earlier this year, intrigued by this, I asked someone to look at the Akashic records. Mine and his, sending only photos and DOB.

      What came back, blew me away. It said that we had been tied for many lifetimes, but that he had played a father role to me. In other lifetimes he had been my father. This actually made sense, I was stunned, when it said (without me saying anything) – that he was an ancient soul, that had been driven to insanity by lower level souls, this lifetime. I can say that he was, often, insane. Or at least appeared that way. We split on good terms. Now live our own separate lives.

      The soul connection, was real, and genuine. Other people commented – total strangers. Which was weird. And that was the thing that kept us together. He isn’t even spiritual. I would often say that it was in his brain – not in his soul. But I found it so difficult to describe.

      Nothing he did, in terms of manipulating and conning has made me think this. Just in terms of where we were at in our lives, and how it was needed.

      I am totally free from the sociopath that was in my life. We do not communicate, or have contact. We have both moved forward with our own lives. But – at the time, it was needed.

      What was also weird, was how he never really had the ability to hurt me….. He damaged my life (so I thought) – but not me. Not really. I was ok. In fact, it did me more good than harm, and today I am stronger, than probably I ever was.

      In 2015 I followed what I wrote on this site. At that time, at the beginning of 2015, I was so brainwashed. I knew the tools to set someone free, from years of working with people, and seeing results. It works. This site, works. And that – was the most amazing thing for me. How I came back here, and it helped me too. I moved on.

      Today I am in a good space. I wouldn’t even want to go back, as life is different today. There is no need to. For sure, we had a soul connection. Yes, he was like a father to me. Did help me – in ways that was needed. I am very glad that I did meet him. But – our connection, had served its purpose and it was time to move on. Its probably more than I could ever articulate in words.

  4. I understand that his presence in your life was needed and necessary for without it you wouldn’t be who you are today (strong and confident). I too feel that both of my experiences with sociopaths has served a greater purpose in my life. What I have learned through the pain was this…I cannot love another person with unconditional love and heal them – this is God’s job and through HIS grace we our saved – not by my willingness to offer unconditional love to another human being – although it is our job to love one another it is not meant to be used up by another who has know regard for it…and secondly I learned that God has created these people so we are not to HATE or be revengful – again this is God’s job and HE will handle it exactly as it needs to be handled – If you are searching for a FATHER – if your heart is broken and the brokenness caused you to seek comfort in the shadows of a sociopath (that’s what happened to me) then I urge you to cling on to the one true man you can count on, the healer and deliverer of this world – God himself. It will be God’s decision in the end how these type of people end up. Are they evil? Were they born this way? Why would God create a life that is unredeemable and unable to surrender to anyone including HIM? These were the questions that haunted me for a long time. But now I am at peace with it because the God that I serve is wise and trusting and through scripture and my own personal experienceI have realized that once I trust God in ALL things (including sociopaths) I don’t have to bear the worry of it.

  5. It has been a couple of years since I’ve been to this website. Back in 2013, this blog helped me in so many ways. I will forever be grateful for your words of wisdom and understanding.

    My relationship with my SP was only 6 months but I fell hard for him. I was at a very low point in my life and I needed someone. Like the true con artists they are, he was very keen to that and told me all the things I wanted to hear. The whole time though, I had this nagging feeling that something wasn’t right. Finally after months of playing detective, the truth came out: he was cheating on me and in another full fledge relationship with someone else. Me and the other woman became friends and two weeks after I revealed his games to her, he ran off and married someone else. I was crushed. I was so heartbroken (even though my gut knew, my heart had a hard time accepting it). I remember turning to the internet for answers and something lead me to this blog. And I read books about it and all started to make sense.

    I still struggled with the pain and took a year off of dating. Time eventually healed my wounds. I sobatoged two relationships due to my insecurity of getting played again. BUT I learned my lessons and will now be better equipped if I ever cross paths with a SP again.

    Three years later (last month), guess who contacted me? Yup, the SP (they really never go away). He went on to apologize for everything he put me through. He said that I’m a good woman and mother who did not deserve it but he didn’t have answers as to why he did what he did. Oh, but I didn’t need his answers as I already knew. In a round about way I told him I knew what he was (SP) and gave clues. He did not deny some of the things I said that were clearly his SP traits.

    I went on to tell him that I forgave him a long time ago. Not for him but for me. Funny how three years earlier I would have done anything to hear that apology, but now I did not need it. I *almost* thanked him for the experience since I learned and grew so much from it (it’s weird but I really am appreciative of it all. I hate that I had to suffer the way that I did but I now understand I had to go through all that in order for me to grow into the woman I am today). BUT, I did not want to give him any reason to go on and use that as justification to do it to other women (although he will do that anyways, I did not want him to turn it around and make him look like the good guy). It felt very empowering to not feel anything towards him. It did not hurt me, it did not make me mad….I felt very indifferent and that is a good thing. I’ve come so far.

    I’m glad to see this blog is still around and you have become successful because of it. I hope that you have found happiness. You definitely deserve it! What ever happened to Phoenix Rising? She was a poster who helped me out back then too. Thanks again PositivaGirl! You’re doing God’s work through your writing.

  6. This is an amazing blog, positivagirl, and I’ve learned so much from your writings. I haven’t been in a relationship with a sociopath myself, but I know those who are, and it’s so much easier to understand them and their situations when I read your posts that basically describe the same situations I’m seeing.

    That book sounds wonderful. But how are you sure that he didn’t previously see it in the drawer by your bed, since by then he was already moving in?

    1. 1. He wouldn’t have saw it – he had no need to 2. Even if he had he wouldn’t have known the significance 3. He didn’t have a penny to his name – he wouldn’t have bought the book. 4…. I just ‘know’…. 🙂 and then of course this blog, which has had over 3.5 million hits in those few years, still thousands of people a day. You have to say with 1.6 million people who have come here, yeah, that was no chance meeting. I don’t think so.

      1. Dear Positiva, this blog has helped me immensely, as your posts give answers that are incredibly true and healing. You yourself have helped me, as one time I wrote while having a panic attack at 4 a.m. and you answered immediately, you reached out to me and saved me from it. Know that I come from this, from deep gratitude, and awe for your warmth and light.

        Yet, or because of it, I do share the worry of Michelle concerning the “soul ties”, and I also think like Tria that the fact that he bought the book might not be “accidental” or destined. Like you wrote in the post about Core soul wounds, sociopaths know what you need, they give it to you and then start with the distruction.

        I don’t want to devalue your spiritual path, far from that. I also believe (as a non religious person, alas) that we absolutely NEED spirituality and spiritual depth to get rid of the sociopath. In the 10 steps of the Women who love too much book (which in itself is dated, but the steps are really helpful as a pathway out of the sociopath’s maze, I highly recommend them), the step about finding a spiritual core is the most difficult for me, yet I know it is essential to fill up the hole in my heart, which was created way before I met the sociopath, he only carved it wider and deeper.
        I am doing meditation now and it is working, for me.

        Yet…it worries me that you write of a spiritual connection to him, even if I understand what you mean, believe me. I too have felt this, we all have, I think.

        If you believe and feel that he was sent on your path on purpouse, I am with you. I also believe that the sociopath was my big challenge, the dragon I had to kill to free myself from the labyrinth and finally live MY life, the life I was meant for. My soul was seeking self-distruction, but the “self” to destroy was the false one, the cage I had built all around my true self, the cage that didn’t let me be free and happy. Thus when I got rid of the sociopath, I also broke free of my cage and started healing.

        Yet the focus isn’t on him, it’s on ME.
        Any other dragon would have done the trick.

        Dear Positiva, the followers, the millions hits, the people who come here…they come because of you. Never forget this. Yours are the angels, yours alone. It is your warmth (even in the most terrible cold, the one created by a sociopath), your light that has made this site a success.

        You had a connection, a bond, with him because you are able to create bonds – true, warm, soothing, sincere, empathic bonds – with anybody, even through a blog in the internet. Please please please, think about this: sociopaths only reflect our inner light. The light, the bond, the angels, they are all yours. If you feel like sharing them with him, because after all he was the one who made it possible for you to write this site and may be become aware of your fragilities, issues, wounds, and start healing, then OK. But don’t ever forget, it was all possible because of you. We are here because of you.

        with love,

        Misa

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