My journey of healing and recovery from dating a sociopath. How are you doing in your journey?

My Story of Healing and Recovery…

It has been 2 years almost since we split. Hard to believe that it was 20 months ago, when I knew what he was up to, he was again following the pattern of the sociopath exit strategy almost word for word. He thought he was smart and that his departure would ‘surprise me’.  I know how much sociopaths love to win and be in control, so i thought i would take this away from him. That night i would write the ‘dear sociopath’ post. It was a dear john letter of goodbye….

Truth was that he had already secured alternative accommodation. Had freeloaded from me until there was nothing left, his face was a picture when he woke the next day, no doubt planning to create a scene and a drama to storm out of the door. I already knew… and had already said goodbye. Publically, on this site.

2015 would be a challenging year. You would think that life would be better once he had gone. But it wasn’t. Sociopaths can do significant psychological damage. I recall for the first few weeks not even able to speak. I was shut down. My brain remained in the locked cage he left me in. I was still living in fear.

In 2015 he had moved to a flat not too far from me. Sociopaths condition you to make you ‘theirs’ and that you belong to them and only them. I cannot express what damage this can cause and how long lasting this damage is.

The good news is you CAN heal and FULLY recover from them. Throughout 2015 he told me how he saw what was my old friends. How he went to places I did.

I had never felt more isolated. I needed to escape from the prison of my mind that he had created for me. I almost didn’t know how.

Towards the end of 2015, i started to focus on gratitude daily. Gratitude for my home, focusing ONLY on what I was grateful for. I prayed that he would be moved away from my city. Daily i had lived in fear that he would show up at my door, hammering, yelling and threatening me. With anger that I had never experienced before and a forked tongue, but also a silver one of deception.

I was convinced, partially by him, that i was crazy, or that there was something significantly wrong with me. I contacted mental health services, convinced that I had bipolar or something similar.

Just before this, some old friends came back into my life. I had known them over 20 years, yet, like all losses with a sociopath, had stopped seeing them during his reign of psychological warfare.

I was an empty shell. Scared even of my friends. I will never forget them looking at me, both of them earnestly, and saying “you don’t have to be scared of us Nik, stick with us, we will help get you well”. I shook, and would never stay too long before I scurried back to the safety of my home.

My friends were a breakthrough. Since that time they have stood constantly by my side. They reflected back an ACCURATE reflection towards me. Since this point, true to their words, they stood by my side, helping me to remember who I am.

The mental health team never gave me a diagnosis, other than I had experienced a lot of trauma. They helped me to talk, communicate. I was shut down, locked like a coiled spring locked tight.

2016 the sociopath moved out of my city. A year after we had split formally. 2016 would be an emotional year. From a person that was so shut down, i was numb, to a person who talked and talked. I cried a lot in 2016 as i began to process in safety, without abuse.

My mental health service has a 24 hour phone line. I must have had 1000 hours of therapy. I would call sometimes two to three times a day. They encouraged me to talk. Refused to give me a diagnosis, would only say that I had experienced a lot of trauma. I did this alongside support of my friends and some family members. I detached from anything or anyone that did not believe in me, or was toxic towards me.

I even thought mental health services were wrong  there must be something really wrong with me. They simply said i needed to heal and i would heal.

As i write this it is the end of September 2016. Twenty months after leaving the sociopath. I am at a point where I am considering moving home.

I took the plunge and went back to a social scene he had taken over and spoke to people. I was surprised to hear that other than what he had told me, what they really thought of him was that he was a

Liar

Stalker

I had kept myself in my own prison. I am still unsure today whether before he left he made sure that they knew who he really was. Whether he had once again deliberately burned his bridges. He never told me.

Other people contacted me, said they were sorry to hear I had been through such a rough time and was I ok?

Slowly with the help of people who genuinely cared about me and professional services, i began to trust again. My anger subsided and most importantly, i began to love me.

I hadn’t heard from him for a very long time. Then i heard from him. He told me how he was “proud of himself, he was living a life, not for his own manipulative gain”.

I of course knew the truth. He had burned his bridges here. And that sentence I had heard before. Everything he did was always for his own manipulative gain.

Wherever you are in your journey, please know that you CAN heal and recover. If you have people that you trust that can help you this can speed up recovery. I was lucky to have a mental health team i could call 24 hours a day. To talk and process. Old friends who loved me for me.

Finally I am ready to give back. I couldnt help anyone else while I was so broken myself.

HOW TO HEAL

1. Remove anyone who is toxic in your life (even family members, distance yourself this is about healing you).

2. Be around those who love the real imperfect you. I was never perfect, i was me. I had people who loved me for me.

3. Choose people who knew you BEFORE meeting your abuser. If you had someone you were close to for decades before them, reach out to them

4. Reach out to professional services who are experienced at helping someone in trauma. What is most important is to feel safe and not judged

5. Ar first you might find talking difficult. Or you might talk and talk and talk. Remember that you are healing. You will have so much to process. Sociopaths are controlling and do their best to train you not to think for yourself

6. Be brave and keep going. Do not look back. Stay in the present only

7. Expect confusion. This is normal. Sociopaths have a duality of personality. They feign best friend persona while at the same time doing behind your back,all that they can to ruin and destroy you

8. Healing takes time. Stay with the present focus on gratitude, keep your world smaĺl – for now.

9. Don’t make big plans. This time is about you.

10. Don’t compare your life today to how it was. You are going through a process of healing and recovery.

11. Know that if the sociopath is still hanging out with your friends they are not done with you yet. Let them have it. Once the sociopath is done they move on. When they have return to the scene if it meant a lot to you. Only do this when you feel brave enough, and if it really meant a lot to you. You might be surprised to hear the story is not what was sold to you. Only do this once they have moved on from that scene (they will), sociopaths almost always burn bridges before they move on.

12. Remember that healing takes time. It has taken me a year. With a specialist team who were available 24 hours a day

13. Know that you can heal and recover. Fully! If someone says that you will always be damaged they are not yet healed.

So, what is it like on the other side?

Honestly, i look back and am amazed how much i went through. Aside from a short time with the magician guy, i never dated again. At least not yet. I have calm within. Dramas i avoid. I value and love true friends and family.

The more i spoke to someone professional, the more i gained in confidence. For the first time I lost my pride and fear and opened up to some good friends who I knew loved me anyway. I was surprised how supportive they were. They had no idea how bad things were for me. I was open and honest. Said i feared going out. Talked about suicidal thoughts. They supported me. Walked the journey with me.

No longer was i a person so isolated that i only had a blog to write. I looked back and was surprised at what I had done and what I had acheived.

My next step is to move home. My healing has been one of seven years. I am stronger today than I ever was. The sociopath turned my life into theirs. For a while i walked his pathway. Broken damaged, destruction. This wasn’t me.

Today, i have love in my heart. Maybe I did go through the journey of the dark night of the soul (google it)  i thought it would never end. I allowed him to break everything (including this blog) until there was nothing left to take or break. Then I froze.

We are all whole as human beings. Nothing is broken that cannot be fixed. Thank you to those who believed in me and walked my journey with me.

Once back in 2010/11/12 i was alone in my journey. I was scared. I vowed to write a website that would be a resource to help others. I did this. Then healed me.

Welcome to datingasociopath.com many of the words on this site was written (2013) by a woman in trauma. Many of the words were written while it happened. Details which could not be written historically. Writing helped me. I plan to write again. First I need to move house.

I will be back -soon.

If you are left with only your story, write it. If you get ideas from this site please acknowledge me as the author. My name is Nikki Gillett. Once upon a time… all i had left, was my story.

Copyright 2016

 

 

 

 

 

 

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27 thoughts on “My journey of healing and recovery from dating a sociopath. How are you doing in your journey?

  1. hi, thank you for sharing your journey. I am just trying to leave my psychopath sociopath. Im not sure which one he is or what the difference is but ive been destroyed by this man, his lies, his manipulation, his cheating. Im totally addicted to a crazy man that I love and hate. he is cruel, cuts me down, controlling. He tracked my car with a device, tracked my emails, texts and calls and he followed me! I need help

    1. Hi Dominique, to be honest, it doesn’t matter who he is. It is how his behaviour affects you that is the problem. Remember that leaving is the most dangerous time. Especially if they do not want you to leave. often there will be increased threats, domination and control to prevent you from leaving. But also, he could be passive, only to lure you back feigning to be a ‘healed and recovered man’, maybe saying that he will be everything that you want him to be. he will get counselling, fix himself etc, etc. If this happens, and he is a sociopath, this would be just a ruse and stalling for time so that he could end the relationship the way that he wants the relationship ended. I am sorry that you have had your life so badly scarred by somebody who didn’t deserve you.

      It does take strength and courage to leave someone who you love, who has betrayed and disrespected you. You can heal and recover, but first step you need to get away. Do you have a support network, family, friends? Or has he worked hard to break this?

  2. My god… I went thru exactly like what you did… Mine was from end 2014 and till now, I felt more liberated.. yes I was mentally locked and imprisoned and hated everything about me then…I flew to another country for 2 months to find myself…now I feel whole and fabulous !

  3. Thanks Nikki/ Positiva. After two years everything is better. He is still trying to contact me, but now I don’t answer I just look with amazement who he really is. …I am happy and I hope to you the best. And to everyone out there the courage to be free.
    Big hug.

    Mar

    1. Thank you lovely. Good to hear from you and that you are doing well. Can’t believe he is still trying to contact you after all this time. Aragh! Good to hear that you doing well Yay!!

  4. I thought I was reading my own story. So many similarities. Especially about what people thought about him. I was told by people that the ex husband-soc was “creepy” “liar” “something not right” “off putting”. All of these people knew something I did not. I could not see. These same people told me I was “sweet”, “nice”, “normal”. That too I did not see. I was told I was ugly, fat, stupid to keep me down and in his control. I was too depressed and sad to see what he was doing and that’s the way he wanted it until it was time for the discard. I found out what he was going to do and he did not like it that I had some control.

    This happened on Friday, December 13, 2013.

    I was a shell. I was sad, unhealthy emotionally and physically. Six weeks after my Dad died (who took care of for about a year and half or so and wished I still cared for him) I heard a voice (and I don’t hear voices. I am ok in that respect). But it told me that I needed to get my health back. Was that voice a guide, or my Dad, or my Mother, or an angel or me giving me the message I needed to hear to keep me alive? I don’t know.

    But I listened to it.

    I got into a weight control support group. I was quiet but clung to every positive word. I needed to get my physical health back and in return I got ME BACK! Little by little I got stronger emotionally. I guess I was sending out a good vibe because after awhile because people would come up to me in stores and we would have little conversations and then they would be gone. But I liked it. I was not afraid of people. They came up to me and I was interested in them and what we said. I was alone where I was and did not know anyone so this contact meant a lot to me.

    When the evil left my life I was blessed that so much good took its place and I wanted this to happen. I started to speak out in my support group. I wanted to help people. It felt SO GOOD to do that. I became more confident. One day my leader wanted me to tell the group my story. I said yes immediately. “No” was not even in my mind. I told my story how I got to my support group. Later I was told I inspired people. I was astounded. I knew then I was not stupid or useless.

    My healing process is ongoing but it took about a year and a half for major changes to take place.

    I was making good friends. I lost over 50 pounds. I am off ALL medications. I am more confident. I went back to dancing and met more friends there. I was having fun. Girlfriends and I would go out and talk and have fun. I can walk and jog and exercise. My interests came back. My life is not perfect but I am strong and I will be okay. I started to date again too. I have good people in my life. I am smart. And I was able to recognize another sociopath because I got the knowledge from this site and that person was gone from my life before any damage was done!

    This site saved my life and I gave me hope my life would get better. I bow my head in great respect to Positiva for having this site. You helped me. Thank you. Because of you . . .

    I Am New Again.

    I am grateful.

  5. I’m so angry with myself right now!!! My relationship officially ended with my ex-sociopath a year ago…. I hung on with texting him almost daily and seeing him maybe once a month ( for sex ). I was still in love with him. I found out in March of this year that he is a sociopath. He is not your typical sociopath, meaning he’s never been violent, vindictive, or aggressive with me. He’s hurt me with constantly, compulsively lying to me, was seeing other women but telling me that I was the only one, lying to get sympathy and money from me. He was the center of my world at the time!!! With weekly therapy, the support of good friends and prayer I got through all the hurt, pain, confusion. I had finally gotten to the point where I stopped emailing and texting him ( he ignored me for months). I started the no contact… within days of no contact he contacted me late at night. When I woke up I couldn’t believe that he contacted me. I was cautiously excited!!! Dumb me ( thinking that I was strong enough) started regularly texting with him. Within 2 weeks we were intimate. Then came the not returning texts, excuses and lies. He gives me just enough to keep me connected. Every time I get pissed by ” disappearing ” and send an angry ” leave me alone” text he replies the very next day with an excuse of why he hadn’t replied. I’m so tired!!! Yes we delude ourselves into thinking that maybe he’s not a sociopath or I know what he is but I love him and just want to have some sort of relation with them. I’ve told him to please leave me alone because he hurts me!!! He won’t…. it’s a game to him as well as I’m convinced that he just want to keep me around just in case…. I’m not in the horrible place I was in when we first broke up ( the discard and ignoring) but I’m slightly hurt. I can’t blame anyone but myself for my setback. One thing that I’ve completely learned is that he will always hurt me as long as I let him. I love him, I think I will a long time but I can’t have him in my life anymore. Starting over to heal and move forward.

    1. I am sorry you are hurting Cindy. He loves one person above all others no matter what he says and this person is himself. People are dispensable to him. If it isn’t you then someone else. Or maybe two or three or five. He doesn’t care. You could never give enough. You could never satisfy that empty space inside of him. He would never be content. Not with you or anyone. Despite he might fake he is. Yes you are right it is a game one they could play forever. If you allowed it. All it would be would be further loss for you.

      1. Hi Postivagirl… I know. I’m going to do just that… save myself!! I’m not really hurt, I’m astonished as to what I’m seeing from him!! His mask is completely off!!! He’s playing these games and for the first time he won’t leave me alone!! I’m so tired of the sick games!!!

      2. I’ve realized that this is an addiction that I’m in. My mind is fully aware that this man is the worst thing for me…. but it’s so hard to completely let him go and move on. I’ve never done drugs, gambled and rarely drink but I assume this is what addiction feels like. The way the make you feel, then the rejection, and the vicious cycle when it happens over and over again!!! I have so much going for me right now…the only thing missing is someone to love and who will love me back. I can’t stop thinking about him… it’s sad but all I want is for him to want me. I’m trying to make a plan to occupy my time and to just love me again!!

    2. I really loved the person i was with. But he would never change. It has been almost 2 years. Especially this year. The further from my life that he is the better my life is. They are draining. You cannot fix or heal him. But you can fix and heal you!! ❤

    3. Cindy,
      WOW this story sounds so much like my own. I had no idea my ex was a raging sociopath and con artist until recently. He was sleeping with me while dating someone else and talking about marriage with her! I didn’t know until she contacted me out of suspicion. We compared notes and we were both floored. now, he’s got no one!

      1. It’s just sad. I’m trying no contact AGAIN! He’s texting and emailing asking me why I don’t ever want to see him again… what did he do… he’s sorry and please forgive him. It took well over a year but the mask is off and I see exactly who he is. The funny thing is I think that’s why he wants to hold onto me, because he know that I know what he is and still loved him. His ex-wife knew about him but she stayed for 9 years… she told him that she knew that he would always love her and she would always love him. 6 months later she divorced him. Lol!! So now I think he wants me to take her place. He’s never wanted that kind of committed relationship with me in the 2 years that we’ve know each other… but realizes that I’m the “love you unconditionally and will try to help you” type. He told me for the first time that he loved me, that was 2 weeks ago. I didn’t believe it for 1 second. He feels that I’m slipping away and got desperate. He sent me a text saying ” I want you in my life in any capacity that you want… Whatever you want that I can accommodate I will do”. Well guess what he did that same night? He stood me up… no call, no explanation for 3 days. Now he can understand why I don’t want him in my life. Just sick there are!!!

  6. I waas wonering if you ever thiught oof changting thee layou off youir
    website? Itss vvery weell written; I love what youe got too
    say. Buut maybe yoou couldd a little more in tthe
    way oof content so people could connec with itt better.
    Youv goot ann awfuul llot off test ffor onbly havjng onne or 2 images.
    Maybe you coulod spac iit outt better?

    1. Yes it should be january 2015. I wrote it to him as i knew next day he was planning the ‘surprise’ to leave. We split for good after that. There is a drop down menu. I think to the left.

  7. Thank you for sharing. I’m very very glad you have moved through it and forward. I’m in your shoes, but only 60 days out. I feel the need to write so bad, but don’t really know where to begin. I think a blog is a good place to start (anonymously). I hope you continue. I will be following your blog and hoping for the best for you! HUGS!

      1. Positivagirl…. can you please read my reply on 1/10/17. I’m in a bad place and need support from people who have been through this. Help!! 😥

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