Update – 2.5 years after leaving a sociopath. Yes you can heal and recover your life.

I am writing this post from my new home, a beautiful home, close to the city centre, with fantastic views of the city.

As with many victim stories, I lived for many years, in fear of what else I would lose, my home was one of those things. The sociopath knew that my home was important to me. My baby died there. So, he did all that he could to try to ensure that i would lose my home.

As is common story of many victims, I stood strong, and fought to retain what was left of the ashes of my life. I did not want to lose my home. The longer that I held on, the more stress I felt. Until I found another place to move, to. But it worked out, that the place that I moved to, is better, in a better area, with a better view, and better communications, than the home I moved from.

If this is you, hanging on, I know it is hard when you have faced considerable losses, to experience further loss, it feels like they have ‘won’. I want to tell you, that Sociopaths never really ‘win’. They just give that illusion.

Moving for me, was a six week process. During that time, I heard from the Sociopath, twice. Not my choice, he contacted me. Always it is useful for me, as it keeps me updated on my work. The first call, was typical, telling me how he had just been for a job interview, and now had the job, how excited he was, the second telling me (weeks later) that he was moving elsewhere. I wondered if he remembered that he told me only a few weeks earlier that he had a new job. Probably not, he spun so many lies, sometimes he would repeat lies back to me, that he had told others, forgetting, that I was a party to the events, and would know that it was a lie. Not that the truth ever mattered to a sociopath, only spinning the truth, is important, and getting off on the gullibility of others.

Today I write from my new home. I am happy. Yes, I lost financially further, to move, losing furniture, and other things, I probably lost a few thousand more. But, it was a good feeling that:

  1. He no longer knew where I lived, and could not turn up hammering on my door, even if he did, it was a communal door, and to get to me, he had to use my door intercom system. Which I could switch off. He definitely could not be hammering on my window. I no longer have a ground floor, for him to hammer on.
  2. I had a place of my own, with no memories, no bad times, and a fresh start in life.

It has been a considerable time since I have written on this blog. I would like to return to it. As I know that there is no worse feeling in the world, than being victimised by a psycho/sociopath. They are experts at their game and will leave you feeling:

  • Isolated
  • Ruined
  • Considerable losses that you cannot replace
  • Poor self esteem
  • Possibly PTSD
  • Anxiety
  • Depression
  • Alone and lost in this world

You can recover yourself, and repair the broken self within. You are not ruined forever. Despite you might think this.

My recovery took many years. For many of you, it might take less time. In addition to Psychopathic ruining, I had also experienced the death of my daughter. So I had this to overcome too. You might not (or might) have additional experiences.

You see, when I heard from him, he was the same, he had to move from where he was living due to ruining some other persons life. I did not warn, or anything else. What would be the point? He would have already warned, I was some crazy psycho, and he was the victim, to do this, I would only have reinforced his victimhood, so I didn’t. Of course, true to form, he repeated his behaviour, and was asked to leave by the next victims family member, after she also ended up in therapy. Of course, he denied that this was due to his behaviour, and blamed it on her ex.

He said to me, while still in that location the following, I will repeat it here, in case it helps someone else:

  1. It is not that bad, I have not had to move ‘yet’
  2. I do not think of anyone else, apart from my last victim
  3. He was still focused on that victim, and prepared to cause as much destruction to her as possible, as he knew he would eventually move on

This reminded me of 2012, when he had written emails to 85 of my close contacts, and told lies with a thread of the truth, they knew – to make his lies sound believable. At that time, he told me ‘that he did not care, he did  not have to live in my city – I did’.

Yes, it is fucked up. But that is the way that it is. Destruction is their toolkit in life. At least the destruction of others lives.

The worst thing is that they love to target vulnerable people. People who have already been through a rough time, and are seeking a way out. Psychos love to provide the false illusion of a faux escape route.

Only you will not realise how faux it is, until you are so far emotionally/financially invested that it can be almost impossible to leave.

I ran a poll on this site, that is still on the front page. It proved what I always knew to be true, that the people that read my work, are either still in the relationship, or if they have left, they are still lurking around, wielding control, and imposing fear onto their victim.

Living in fear

I lived my life, for many years in fear.

I lived in fear for many years.

Fear did not subside when I left the relationship. I lived in constant fear.  Psychos work hard to make sure that you will not leave them. They also work hard to make sure that nobody else would want you either (so you will not leave them and nobody else would steal you away).

I felt like shit about myself. My fear was so intense, I could not be with another man intimately until – this weekend. We split for good in January 2015. In my case, we split as he had pushed me so far, he pushed me to suicide. Services were onto him, and laws were changing in the UK, if he had continued with me as his victim, it was likely he would have been arrested.

From leaving, it took him another year, to extract himself from control over my life. I got a job, and he looked up directors of the company, and said that he would write to them ‘about me’, he said he would report me to animal cruelty for leaving my dog at home while I worked, so I re-homed her. I was so broken and damaged, I believed him. I gradually, over time, removed everything in my life, that he could take away from me.

The only thing left, was my home. Even this was damaged. I do not know, but strongly suspect, that he reported me to my landlord, with a thread of truth, combined with lies. I lived in fear for many years, that I would lose my home.

Eventually, I moved. To a better place. A place, that is better for my needs. Today I am doing well, and am really happy.

And the psycho…. still running, still ruining, still destroying lives. Nothing changes.

If you are hoping that perhaps they might change, and become a better person, you are living on false hope. I will write this in capitals, to reinforce what I want to say THEY CANNOT CHANGE, THE OUTCOME WILL ALWAYS BE THE SAME!!

Hanging out with false hope will only waste more time in your life, the outcome will ALWAYS be the same. ALWAYS.

If I can do this, you can too. It might not take you as long to fully recover as it did me, as I also had to process the death of my daughter too and a very lengthy negligence legal case for what happened when she died (sociopaths motive – money).

What is good

It is good, that I became used to loss. So when moving, when I moved to a much smaller place, losing so many of my possessions, was ok, as I had become used to loss. It is a good feeling, that today, that part of my life is finally over, chapter closed. Never to be re-opened. Moving from the house, with all of the memories, which took me six weeks to move, was a difficult task. In the latter weeks of the move, I could see, what an adverse impact living in the house was for me. I would have panic attacks just driving to the house. In every part of the house was memories that sucked me in. I did not realise how bad it was, until I moved.

Today, I am glad I never have to return there.

I have a fresh start in life. I can return to writing this blog, responding to emails, comments, and could work to support people 1-1. If you have written to me recently, asking for help, I apologise for my lack of response. I have been focused on me, and resolving my own life.

Today, I am on the other side. I know that many of you are not there yet. But I want to write to you, to tell you, your life is NOT ruined. You are not forever destroyed. You CAN rebuild and build a much better life.

Oh, and if there are any readers to this blog, who were here in earlier times and donated to my work through paypal, you helped me. With living expenses at the time, and I invested in things I could sell if I needed it, and this helped me pay recently for removal costs and flooring etc, in my new place. So, thank you!! In a way, a part of my new place, was as a result of you.

Meeting another victim – in a field in Somerset

A part of my own recovery, was to find who I used to be. I was a person who loved the outdoors, and would annually go to Glastonbury Festival (UK). This year, I volunteered to erect tents, in the hope I could work at the festival. One hot day, I went to a field in Somerset, and met a woman, we were eating lunch, and she said, ‘I was with a psychopath, I wrote a book about it’. My jaw dropped…. as I said about my own experiences and this blog.

The work fell through, and she accessed other work, and contacted me, asked me if I wanted to work with her (at the festival). I said yes, and we spent a fantastic few days together. She is very like me, only she has been through court system, has a child and has blocked access legally. It is my hope that for the future, she will work with me. She is an incredible person. As I am sure all of you are too – they target incredible, good people, who they can destroy.

What topics would you like me to cover?

I am keen not to repeat old work. I would like to cover new ground. Is there any topic that you would like me to write about, that I have not yet covered? Please let me know.

Nikki

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38 thoughts on “Update – 2.5 years after leaving a sociopath. Yes you can heal and recover your life.

  1. Thank you so much for your work. It has been so helpful. I see him on-line all the time on a dating site looking for his next victim. Sometimes i feel better, sometimes i am just obsessed with him. It is really hard being alone, especially so late in life. Thank-you for your insights, articles, blogs, etc.

    1. Thank you Mary. I am sad that you see him online, as this will not help you. You don’t say how old you are, but what is ‘too late in life?’ surely that is when you are dead? That is too late. You are not in a nursing home are you? Don’t believe the lies that were told to you, it will hold you back and bring you down. Remember all the things that were said to you, to lure you in, and win you. Write those things down, not to hurt you, but to keep as a list, of good things about you. As this belongs to you (not him) and the bad he said – let it go – it was likely said to bring you down, keep you down, control, manipulate and hurt you.

  2. I am going thru this now. I am losing my home and my son had to go live with his sister while I try to rebuild. I’ve been treated so badly Inhumane by this man its surreal. He’s been playing a game that he doesn’t know me. Everything he has right now sharing w a new is at the cost of all I was n had. Nothing he has he did himself. How do I stop feeling like he’s got it all and has won? he’s living this great life while I’m at the very bottom. Everyone believing him and he just turned on me on all like I never existed. I don’t comprehend why . Nothing makes sense. How does he feel so good knowing what he’s done? How does he laugh smile live life like nothing? I never did anything but help him love n be there and he’s just been so evil to me. How will I get past this?

    1. Hey Casey, he HASN’T won. How could he win when he is constantly stuck with himself and his own miserable existence? To have to live life like a broken stuck record, repeating same old tricks over and over, like a one trick pony. Yes, he might seem right now, like he is on the up – but he isn’t and never will be. They are empty inside, dead, and void of real emotion. I am so sorry that you are losing your home. It is so horrible to go through, particularly if it was brought on by somebody else, and not your fault, and even worse, when it was done deliberately to wield power and control over you. I found that letting go, was liberating. What was the worst that could happen? When I moved, I took nothing associated with him, I left it all behind. I started again, afresh. To be honest, I was starting again and again over and over while with him. It grew tedious.

      He is not living the great life, this is just the illusion that he plays. I understand about everyone believing him, and you feeling isolated. You can rebuild, it just takes time. It can take a lot of time. It is not a quick fix process. It can feel like a kick in the teeth, when possibly the person you helped the most, betrayed you in the worst possible way, just for his own kicks. You will get past this, if you let go. Focus on you, on healing you. Get into therapy if you can afford it. Treat yourself like your own best friend. Do things that make you smile, every day, just one thing just for you. Be good to you, please stop punishing you – what has happened is not your fault, these people are predators, you can get past it, and with time I am sure you will.

      1. Thank you for the inspiring words. They are needed. One issue right now is I did file a lawsuit against him for the 8K he owes me right now. I need it and I had all the backup on it. He found out he was being served through a friend who answered the door when he wasnt there. He wasnt happy. Then as I have had to kinda follow him to try and locate him as he is hiding from me, he contacted me yesterday telling me he is with a much better person than me. He was claiming I was the toxic one. Um no. I am normal. I also worked hard and had earned all my stuff. Anyow he proceeded to tell me they were leaving for a cruise Friday. He knows I always wanted to go on one with him. However, he never tells the truth and I dont know if he said that to make my process server think he’d be gone for a week out of state. He also had said he was moving out of state the day before. God I wish he would. We have too many ways to run into each other but I am working on him just not existing. Even if we were at the same place , just be like he’s not there. Though I always know he will watch me.

        He is just so cold and cruel. The way he also thinks he owes me no money but knows he signed papers for it. Crazy. He started telling me I was butt hurt that he didnt want to be with me anymore and live with me. I had to respond but I responded with clear statements of ” hell NO” I dont want to live with you or date you again. Its funny in the past month before it really came to this, I had numerous times said Okay so we agree you dont want to see each other again, talk and nothing. He goes silent. He wont ever answer that BUT yet we are so done and I am so discarded. Insane.

        I am doing my best to get through this all while trying to find a job as well. Then add the house situation and fact I am alone no teenage son in the house anymore. I am just taking it day by day. I will no longer communicate with him now that he knows he is being served w a small claims suit. He can do the rest himself to locate court dates. OH he has threatened to now say he’d file harrassment on me for all the times I was trying to get him to send me some money when he was working out of town the past 5 months.

        HIm and I have gotten mean and nasty before but he’s never been this mean and nasty so I am seeing the side of him that is helping me move forward.
        Thanks again.

    2. First breathe & realise U are FAR from alone…stories now are coming out all over the web.
      2nd: WE were NEVER given warnings of sociopaths as we grew up…ie. the functional psychopath that avoids jail…now realised as up to 4% of population (¾’s are known to be males…along a spectrum, that goes into the real PSYCHOPATH level…wh fill our jails)…NO feeling, NO care…out to do what THEY WANT – & unable to be rehabilitated. This is not a mental health issue…it is a SERIOUS defective brain wiring problem, no-one has seemed to want to talk about. Yet, here we see ISIS, a bunch of psychos – trying to hold the WORLD at hostage…hiding behind innocent ppl. WE ALL know the BULLY in a school-yard…where did U think they went? Grew up, got decent jobs & totally stopped being idiots? Well, facts are…some of these bullies (esp the leaders, not the silly minions) possibly had HIGH IQs…unfortunately, NO emotional IQ…which workplaces don’t seem to care about unless U work in healthcare. However, be aware of the sociopathic specialist or surgeon…focused totally on making money. That, they ALL have in common….& they are amongst our politicians.
      3rd: U ask…how do U stop thinking he has won? STOP playing his STUPID game, once U work him out. STOP the benefit of the doubt & wanting to be wrong. U KNOW…his behaviour was clearly unreasonable & confusing. Withdraw…move away…the guy is a PSYCHO – that part can’t change! This is not s/o – U imagine on TV…this is a real-life version! BINGO – PSYCHO…get away!!! They can’t be reasoned with…U already should know that from TV.

      1. I’ve read that most sociopaths are very intelligent…..I do tend to believe that.
        My ex was certainly bright and from a well educated family,and so damn convincing.
        Leaving him wasn’t a massive wrench as I no longer loved him,but I feel for the people who can’t let go of a relationship…i.e.,who genuinely love the sociopath they are,or been involved with.
        It’s strange too,that we seem attracted to that type of personality as well.
        It’s what’s left in your head when you have left…..the flashbacks and every lie I was told,is still stuck in my head!!!
        It’s also hard to trust someone else again,you’re always on the look out for something that maybe doesn’t add up,but deep down you know it’s ok.
        Does that make sense?☹️
        I also feel this should be discussed at schools,as most people are unaware of what a sociopath is…..It took my son to make me see sense.
        I’m also wondering if anyone else on here,have been met with strange looks,when you relay what your life was like with an SP.
        It’s so off the wall,I stopped talking about it to most people,as they just thought I was talking rubbish🙄

      2. They are intelligent, They are not held back by human emotions, so can therefore use all of their brain in a predatory manner. Sometimes people are attracted to them as they appear to be charismatic and charming, also they appear to be very very normal and without issues.

        You are right, it is difficult to trust again, which is why you must first learn to trust you again.

        I agree that this should be discussed in schools, it is more common than many realise, and as we know, not all are axe murderers.

  3. Hi Positivagirl… welcome back!! I was wondering what happened to you. I’m doing ok… he’s still around here and there. I told him NO last week. He’s not bothering me ( mentally or emotionally ). I’m getting back to me. I don’t want your input… he wanted ” goodbye sex” one last time he said. He persisted for 2 days. I almost gave in to him… if he got it then he wouldn’t bother me at least for a while. There was a time when I could never have casual sex with him… sex with him is very good. What are you thoughts on having ” casual sex” or giving him the “goodbye sex” so he can go away?

    1. It’s never goodbye sex. He knows he’s good and that women are emotional with sex (opposite of him – he just does it because it feels good). He knows it would cause you to “fall for him” again. It’s just another thing to do to control and make you think emotionally and sexually about him – and then bonus he gets off (quite literally). But yea, I know you don’t want anyone’s input. So take it or leave it. I could be extremely helpful in seeing his side in the matter though.

    2. Ugh they like goodbye sex. At least he was honest about it though, often they feign to be there for you, and all is well… when truth is they plan to leave the very next day and enjoy the surprise and level of control felt when they leave. Pathetic I know.

      He is taking a lot of your life Cindy – the years are passing by!!! Pleased to hear from you.

      1. You’re right… it’s been 2 1/2 years…over a year with the knowledge of what he is. He’s not being honest… do you know how many times we’ve had ” goodbye sex”? I do think he believes it at the time. He started the night before, then 5am the next morning. I said NO! He’s not used to me saying no, so he persisted. It went from ” one last time ” we need to do it and make up”. Make up?! We have NOTHING!! To get him to stop asking I agreed to it for later knowing he wouldn’t want to later. I make it clear that I know he’s a sociopath… I call him out frequently so he’s let the mask go! He was trying to assert control… he wanted me to take off work so he could come over right then and there. I said NO!! Haven’t heard from him since. There are just CRAZY!!

      2. I’m so happy that you are doing really well!! I can’t wait for the day when he’s not a factor at all!!

  4. Good for you. I wish mine would stop. Unfortunately, three years later, both of us remarried and I live in a whole different country and she still is at it. This time using my photo, real name and location to smear me. Kinda wonder if she’ll ever get tired of it.

    1. Wow…. maybe pray she can meet someone else to divert her attention. It is exhausting, and can continue for a long time. Do you have contact, I wonder if knows you know?

      1. Strict no contact on my part. She should be happy, she’s remarried. She chose our daughters wedding anniversary as her wedding day. Just as her memories and accomplishments are stolen from the efforts of others, so is her wedding day. Our adult kids don’t talk to her, so she strikes out at them too. A real work.

  5. Yes, same story, the thing that means the most to me other than my son/grandchild, is my home. Purchased 10 years before I met him, my mom died here of cancer that I helped nurse her during hospice. Many memories, so he’s trying to take a percentage of it, cos he says he “deserves” it. After 26 years, he cheated and ran away. A total discard. Classic. Textbook sociopath. Thank you for giving me a bit of hope. I can’t take much more pain.

  6. Yes, I went back for make-up sex and he did it again. Wish i hadn’t – it just fed my addiction to him and he took the opportunity to make me feel small and worthless again. Since then i have been obsessing. It set me back.

    1. Oh I know…. that’s why I said NO!! I know it was just to feed his physical need as well as he just wanted to know if he could still get it and control me. He has little control over me but he know that I love sex with him, he’s always controlled me in that area.

  7. I left my ex in 2014, whilst I was living in Spain….my sons drove from England and got me. They’re from my first marriage.
    If I had of known then,the battle I was going to have I may not have left.
    It took nearly 3 years of battling it through the courts,with legal fees building up…at times I cried out of sheer frustration.
    In my darker moments,like most of us on here,I thought why was I the chosen one,to get involved and taken in by a class A sociopath!!!!
    Every paper he was served,he either ignored or lied about,until in February of this year,the judge deemed she’d had enough,granted the divorce,and I won all the monies from property sale in England….he was then told he had to pay half my legal costs,which had ended up reaching £14000!!! Off the cuff,the judge deemed him clearly stark raving bonkers😂 Sociopaths don’t see it though,do they,he thought he could take on the legal system 🙄
    Then in June,the property sold in Spain…done and dusted.👍
    It’s certainly a roller coaster ride,one of which I personally never ever want to go through again.
    Before I left Spain,I’d contacted his second ex wife,that’s how I found out all his lies…..for 14 years he’d invented another life,and I fell for it,hook line and sinker,believing it all!!
    After him telling me numerous times he was ill….he now actually does have cancer,living alone and miserable.
    I can’t feel sorry for him,I seem void of any emotion where he’s concerned.
    So….in the early days of leaving I vowed I would send him an email,listing all his lies I’d found out,about his abuse,how I felt about his despicable behaviour,and ended it,by saying I was now best friends with his ex wife👍😊
    It may sound sadistic doing what I did,but one thing I’d read in the early days of leaving,was sociopaths hate being found out.
    He never replied,so to me,he knew he couldn’t deny anything I’d written.
    So I guess what I’m saying,it made me feel a whole lot better offloading it all.
    Abuse is a hard thing to recover from,my doctor says it’s like a PTS🤔
    I’m now in another relationship,but still get flashbacks and down days….but eventually it’ll be right again.
    All of us are survivors,I wish you all well….and hopefully life gets better for you all. 😘

    1. The sad thing is…everything…U end up telling him he was doing or found out about…he already KNEW. Pt is these monsters of SAD pathetic mental pathology…really DON’T CARE & they CAN’T…but they DO know what they do could hurt U…& the sadist part is – they ENJOY the drama. I suppose it gives their EMPTY emotional-less lives some lil EGO boost…sadly, we pay the most consequence.

  8. Looking for topics? I was re-reading ur post: Reduce the risk of meeting another sociopath! Coz, there seemed a nice looking man that joined my dog park, 3mths ago & has started turning up more often…rather friendly (as most ppl are there), always smiling as he passes, even had a lil convo one day (nothing personal) & seemed a very calm talker…now, I’m starting to wonder. Definitely, looking a loner (altho, I’m sure I do too – yet, I’m on a bicycle – been there for yrs, smile at heaps of ppl & heaps recognise me as I do them – but we know nothing personal of each other)…yet, unlike older loner men there…I now find this 50yo+ guy lurking behind 5mins, txting everytime back to his car…& I’m sure he only lives mins away (as I’m sure many of us do). My thoughts are why not leave it until he gets home?
    So, the txting has had me on alert (as U know why)…& I was just going over that posting of yours & re-reading the points of when U should be ready to move onto another relationship, coz I’m feeling a lil obsessive watching his behav & wondering if he does intend to re-engage me again & am I ready? AND, altho I get ur overall concept…I still find some pts are a lil vague….esp, if the advice is also meant for younger women, than ppl like U or me.
    For example: Make sure that your own life is together and you do not need to be in a relationship…now, I know what u’r trying to say here…so NOT to attract a sociopath who seeks out the vunerable & needy…but, I look at the other side…if we were so damn together & successful, not needing a relationship…why would we bother, at all? Does it mean we’re just in it for sex…coz, that’s NOT a relationship, at all? I’m sure women that like sex with a good partner…are not into it for just the physical act, but rather the CARE & attention that goes with it. I STILL always WANT to believe, there’s men out there…that do too.
    Besides, ur pt: Make sure that your own life is together….not many ppl have the luxury where everything in their life is going fabulously right…if we have to wait until it is…we’d probably not meet anyone…that’s where I think we get drawn to ppl that seem a lil understanding of that. I think what U more meant to say…not need to be in a relationship to be validated. I suppose we should ALL personally LIST why we’d like to be in a relationship, before we even venture there…than to be unexpectedly drawn in, to the person that suddenly shows us admiring attention.
    And ur point: Do not present yourself as a victim…well, I think U needed to highlight the word PRESENT. We’ll ALWAYS feel ‘victims’ inside…if u’ve ever been thru the experience & we were…even if U know, it was NOT ur fault for being misled…what we think in our own heads afterwards, is what mostly destroys us….but, I don’t want to turn to paranoia…believing I can’t trust anyone. However, that said…maybe, the time of trust IS fast disappearing…unless, ppl want to fight for it back.
    And here’s another topic idea after watching a recent show: what do we think is sexual consent?
    After ALL my yrs & again sgl, I still feel pressured…& seems many young women are feeling that shit, if not more so…esp now…with too much porn online. Men keep making out…women are responsible for their erections…like women are responsible for their kids they leave behind.
    Well, here’s a highlight for those dickheads…those women in porn are paid REALLY well, on CONTRACTS well before performing…& NO normal person, not in it for business…should have to feel that obligation.
    Where women need to change…is STOP the ppl pleasing…stop wanting to believe, the guy is interested in U…simply coz, he makes out ur attractive on first appearances. Sadly, those days are GONE!

  9. Lastly, I want to say…I’m SO glad U found the strength to get out of that house of horrid memories involving ur sociopath…I am fully aware how HARD that would have had to be…esp leaving behind ur memories in that hse of ur daughter. BUT, U have to keep reminding urself…ur daughter would have NEVER wanted U to keep sacrificing like that. I too may have to move & I’m scared…but, ur post of transition gives me HOPE for a future of some peace & normality. Take Care.

    1. It’s hard to find the strength to leave,as you’re emotionally drained in more ways than one,as the abuser has instilled in your brain,that you’ll never survive without them.
      I only have to think of my life now,and what it was like 3 years ago.
      I’m happier,I’m me again👍
      2 so called friends said,well if it was that bad,why didn’t I leave sooner😡
      That’s easier said than done isn’t it!!!
      I don’t need input from people who are going to be negative nor understand Sociopathic abuse.
      Survival is the name,and yes we’ll survive without them!!

  10. Congratulations on building a new home for yourself and taking more steps to move on. Sometimes we have to tear things down before we can build things up.

    I wrote here a few times about my experiences and you were very helpful. I don’t really have any useful suggestions for topics, but thought I’d indulge myself and provide an update.

    It has been, two years this summer since I last encountered my SP, but only about a year now since I found out that he had finally moved out of my neighborhood. The immense relief at knowing he was finally further away from me cannot be stated strongly enough.

    I spent 2016 not dating or being with any men in any way and this has proved to be the best thing I could have chosen to do.

    2017 has been an amazing year for me so far and I have started dating again, not always successfully, but if you count being able to set boundaries and stick to them, it has actually been VERY successful. I have dated two men this year so far, neither of whom were healthy enough for me to be with, and my ability to see that and to end things before they went too far is a good sign that I have really learned from my experience. When I meet people now I ask myself if this is a HEALTHY person, not just physically but are they living (or trying to live most of the time) a healthy lifestyle, are they healthy emotionally? If the answer is no, or not really, then I have to move on. I can’t stay healthy when I’m around someone who is not.

    One thing I did in 2017 was going to a fitness resort in Utah. This was an amazing experience for me as one of the first times (maybe ever?) I was completely immersed in just taking care of myself and letting others take care of me too. I made amazing friends there and really started to value myself again for the first time in years. Not only did I get in better shape physically but my thinking was clearer than ever and my migraines were going away too. I have continued on this path and even went back for another four weeks in June to keep moving forward. I also did a big three week trip to the UK and Ireland with my family that I spent heaps of time researching and planning for. So, basically, once I stopped spending so much energy on “him” I had this amazing amount of time and resources to spend on myself and others around me who deserve it. I am getting stronger and better every day and attracting good, quality people into my life, finally!

    I want to be clear, though, that I agree that recovery is a very long process and there will always be set backs. I could blame it all on my SP but really I believe I am dealing with my own issues that have plagued me for most of my life and left me particularly vulnerable to having an SP worm his way into my life. My daughter has grown and is moving away now and the lack of having a partner in my life is magnified by not having her around to care for anymore. Loneliness and depression still give me trouble and I take medication now for bi polar depression (bp2) as well as for ADHD, this is a very recent diagnosis from my provider that really surprised me, but the more I read about it the less I can contest it. The key difference, I suppose, is that now I am the priority in my life when it comes to who I take care of first.

    All in all, though, 2017 has been a banner year of change and growth so far and I look forward to more good things this year.

    Love and Light,
    Blue

  11. I am in my 60’s. And, you are right, seeing him on line does not help. Another , When I first met him on the same dating site over a year ago, he said – oh, my profile is supposed to be hidden because he was involved – in love, going to marry – with another women who lived out of town. My gut told me – don’t meet him. Then I met him, and wrote him and said, no, i didn’t want to get together because he was already seeing someone else. Two weeks later we got together, then he went back to her. That was July. He came back in Sept., left, came back in Oct. and left in a fit of anger. Four months later, he reappeared and my gut said no, don’t go back for more of the same. A few weeks later, i did. He stayed for 4 months, and then out of nowhere, he says you are not the one and leaves. And, 3 wks. later, I go back to talk, and we have sex, and he dumps me in the nastiest anger possible, and then i am reeling. The thing is, from the getgo, my gut said no and kept saying no, but my head ignored it because i was lonely and he was charming and i wanted to believe that he had seen the light and changed. A tiger doesn’t change its stripes. When someone shows you who they are believe it the first time. I am doing better now, but i could have saved myself a lot of grief by honouring my gut in the first place.

    1. YES – I’m GLAD U got it! Believe it the FIRST time…stop the benefits of the doubt, the excuses for poor behaviour…ESP in older MATURE men, over 30yo. THESE are NOT teenagers finding their way or even young adults, still learning…..if U KNOW U WOULDN’T do it to someone else…believe me, so DO they!
      Realise even Dr Phil said NO-ONE deserves ‘benefit of the doubt’ WITHOUT proof. The sad part of charming ppl…we WANT to believe them….but make sure U can ALWAYS break a lil fun fantasy from hard-core reality.
      And also be AWARE…if U are older, alone & female (even if gd-looking, vivacious & still a catch)…there’s possibly MORE male sociopaths out there in circulation than U realise , like sharks…coz, they’re ALWAYS been circulating since young ppl (even if they have partners) – coz, the GOOD guys would be already in decent relationships.
      4% population are sociopaths (1 in 25)…3/4’s male. That number in circulation gets bigger as world population grows & these guys step into adulthood.
      Don’t FEAR loneliness…get learning about GOOD solitude…& how the sheer enjoyment of NOT having some over-bearing person telling U what to do…is an exciting thing!
      If u’r cute enough & are keen to meet s/o…get off the LAZY online crap & get urself out into a rich targeted environment on occasion & always KNOW U have choice. Be proud to want to LIVE & be who U are (esp if U are caring)- & not be controlled!

  12. I haven’t lost anything concrete and I feel for all you have been through, positivagirl. I am happy that you have been able to make so many changes and to heal. I too believe that, just as you met the woman you met at Glastonbury, when we least expect it, something happens that solves another piece of the puzzle or moves the healing process forward. It is a question of being open – not letting the sociopath close you down, hide away, beat yourself up. But at the same time, the sociopath slowly changes us into sociopaths ourselves, right? Some people think I am nuts because I am so determined to undermine him, but I am careful and have held back so far. I can watch, wait, and try to be just as contrary as he is. For instance, I think he must have told his wife about me but twisted the story to make me out to be deluded. He expects that I will tell her, which is what I want to do (albeit indirectly via an intermediary who has already agreed). He is trying to stay one step ahead and head off any chance that she will believe me. I wonder what is best to do. Do I do the opposite of what I think he expects? Do I do what he expects but in a way that circumvents his attempts to deny it? Do I even have the evidence to do that? (I think I do.) Do I do what I think is right? I find myself thinking the way he does and yes, trying to figure out a way to beat him at his own game. Maybe this is a topic for another post – how the sociopath turns us all into sociopaths…

    1. Hi Val, how ironic that you posted this today? I saw my therapist yesterday, I had a lot to tell her. It was a tumultuous week with the sociopath!!… so much had happened and the way I reacted to him made my think ” if I didn’t know better I’m a sociopath”!! He didn’t like something that I did last week and he indirectly threatened me with legal action… I WAS FURIOUS!!! I felt that although yes, I was wrong for what I did to him because of all that he’s done to me he should just take it and move along. I was incensed ” HOW DARE HE THREATENED ME FOR DOING SOMETHING TO HIM THAT HE DESERVED”?! At that moment EVERYTHING that’s he’s ever done to me came to a boil!! I was seething mad and at that moment he was my ENEMY!!! I spouted off a few well intentioned threats of my own… he knows me well enough to know that I would carry out those threats!! I ended my tirade of threats with ” I WILL DESTROY YOUR ENTIRE LIFE”. And I meant that!! It was only when I got to therapy that I realized that based on what I read about sociopaths I AM THE ONE WHO IS THE SOCIOPATH!! I know that I’m not because I have apathy and a conscience… but dealing with him has given me some sociopathic traits. My therapist agrees with my assessment… she also told me that I will get worse if I don’t leave him alone. I sometimes do and say these extreme things hoping it will be enough for him to not want me… it works for a while then one day he’s over it!! This last incident was pretty bad… it ended in him sending me an email apologizing and groveling for forgiveness. I took great joy in bringing him to his knees… these people are about control, it made me feel good that I finally had the control and beat him!! It’s very unhealthy and I’m turning into someone that I don’t want to be. Val, I told my spath’ wife about my relationship with him in 2015… he had lied and said he filed for divorce ( that lie went on for 10 months, until I contacted her). She divorced him last summer. I didn’t contact her to tell her, I contacted her looking for answers. My advice to you would be to let it go and move on. These people are such a waste of time and energy. It’s hard, as I’ve been trying to do this for over a year now!! I just keep praying to get the strength to resist him. The connection with us is sexual and passion. We are both hooked on the physical part of the relationship ( he’s admitted it ). I was strong last week and said NO! I hope to be strong enough to keep no contact. I’m addicted to him, it’s a struggle!! Positivagirl what are your thoughts on them turning us into a ” sociopath”?

      1. Wow, Cindy! Maybe we are thinking along the same lines because we are at the same point in these ‘relationships.’ I too recently said very extreme things and I think this time we are done for good, but I’ve thought so before and your story makes me realize that I can never know.

        So far I have not taken any actions. Any anxiety I’ve turned on myself or told him about and made him modify his behavior, which he did do for awhile. But I think my last conversation with him, when he said he wasn’t lying to his wife, really threw me because it was such obvious gas lighting – messing with my grasp of reality as well as with hers. But I encouraged him to tell her himself. I didn’t threaten to do it.

        My inclination is to leave him alone partly because it’s not my circus, not my monkeys, he has to live a lie, whether or not he chooses to head off anything by painting me as a lunatic, and partly because I think telling his wife would feel too violent, as I posted elsewhere. But part of me also wants to tell because I think his wife deserves to know, whether she chooses to believe it or not, and partly because I think it will keep him away from me for good. So there are pluses and minuses.

        Whether he would retaliate and how he would retaliate are other questions. I have seen flashes of his narc anger, though he has never gone fully ballistic on me. I daresay that if he thought I was a threat to his family life bubble, he might do something to me. Wish there were a way of shutting these people down safely.

        One of the advantages of not telling is to leave him guessing, in part because he probably expects me to tell. If I don’t tell, he also cannot paint me as a lunatic. If he secretly wants me to tell (also a possibility), he’ll be disappointed. And if he doesn’t want me to tell, he will always be on alert because it could happen years down the road, right? Also there is always the chance of me running into his wife, and he doesn’t know who we know in common.

        I have to keep reminding myself that he is not your normal run of the mill cheater and that he is really two people. His authentic self would be damaged if he were exposed because he does care about his family life, but his false self would punish me for it. That is what is scary. Maybe if we think along the lines of dealing with people with multiple personalities (no offense to people with such mental illnesses) it is easier to see that the situation is impossible, and it is best to just walk away.

        All of this twisted thinking and plotting is what is making me feel like I’ve turned into a sociopath! But I think for both you and me and others here it takes some effort to think this way, because it isn’t our natural way of being in the world. For the sociopath, it is effortless. I wonder what my therapist will have to say about it. I will let you know.

      2. If I were in your situation I wouldn’t tell, I would just walk away. In my situation we were still involved and he was lying to me about the marriage. I only contacted her to get the truth. Once I got the truth I moved on ( or so I thought). If I wasn’t in love with this man I would have completely ended it and cut him off from everything!! For your own well being please let him go and move on. I’m in deep ( going on 3 years ) but it’s time for me to move on!! Nothing good will ever come from this relationship with him… he even text me ” Cindy I will never be anything good for you”. That was the most honest thing he’s ever said to me. My prayers is that we all can move on from these people. As Positagirl stated to me ” He’s taking a lot of your life… the years are passing by”. I don’t want to waste anymore years of my life!!

      3. Funny but mine would say similar things – “I don’t want to cause you pain,” “I don’t want to be in your life if it’s going to hurt you,” etc. It’s as if they KNOW there is something wrong with them but they don’t know what it is. I asked mine if he was on the spectrum and he didn’t know what I meant. It kind of makes one feel tender towards them, and that is part of the problem.

        It’s more about the mental energy, no? Because we spend so much time trying to figure things out, what they want, how to give it to them. I don’t think the actual time I spent with mine was wasted. That was great and I will always cherish it. I just think the mental energy I have had to put into it was totally out of proportion. It’s just that because there is never any real closure, as you know, it is very hard to move on. But I’m sure I will and so will you!!

        He’s away now and I’m leaving in a few weeks until December. Last year I also left (nothing to do with him – it’s just my normal pattern) and he managed to keep me hooked, but I didn’t know about the wife last year. It won’t happen this year. (Famous last words…)

        Travel cures a lot of ills.

  13. Some of your experiences are different than mine, but your ex’s M.O. is EXACTLY the same as mine… twisting truth, spinning malicious, manipulative lies to destroy your credibility, even months before his desired outcome and “big lie”. I mean, putting Sears and scenarios in place, for others to see, to make the “story” even more believable, against you…and every other woman he’s victimized. You are doing well. I’m happy that you are away from him!!

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