Dating a Sociopath readers – Happy International Woman’s Day! – Did you feel like you lost your gender identity when with a Sociopath Narcissist or Psychopath?


Today is International Woman’s day. This is a term that I hadn’t heard of until my daughter moved abroad. It seemed odd to me at the time. But she got gifts at school from children, for being a woman. This seemed to make my daughter happy, so I said nothing.

I am British, so this isn’t something that was within our narrative. I started to write this website, and came across a lot of male victims of abuse, as well as females. Many would reach this site by coming across earlier posts from 2013, and complain that I was writing about a male sociopath. They would point out to me, that females can be Sociopaths too.

This post today is for women, on International women’s day (I do acknowledge men on mens day).

Why dating a sociopath can remove your sense of being a woman

I would be interested in other peoples comments on this topic, as it is something that I have not previously written about.

Being with a Sociopath removed my sense of identity. As a woman, part of my identity, is to be that gender (for me personally). I would also be interested in your views if you are from same sex relationship, did your sense of identity and gender change?

Being with a Sociopath, you will lose your sense of ‘self’. They manipulate and control you. It didn’t happen immediately. I didn’t meet a man who appeared to be the exact opposite of everything that I wanted.

Initially, he made out that he was alpha male

  • Good father
  • Good and caring partner
  • Supportive
  • Had a good job, that matched my own profession (that I was working in at the time)
  • Similar income level

There was no indication that I was entering into a relationship, where I would feel so robbed, of ‘who I was’, that my identity would be so stolen, that I would also feel genderless, for the first time ever in my life.

It wouldn’t be long, before the job that he claimed to have, well that didn’t materialise, neither did the next job, or the one after or the one after, and this would continue.

This would force me into being in a role where I was

  • Paying for everything
  • Making all the decisions (so I thought)
  • Being the responsible one

He would take on the female role

  • Sometimes he would cook
  • He would be ‘faux’ caring, looking out for me.
  • Be overtly loving, but again this was over the top, and faux
  • Made me feel that I was responsible for him
  • Played the victim

I genuinely felt like I had lost not only my identity, I had also lost my gender. I remember, quite clearly, feeling like I was forced to behave like a man. While he played victim, manipulated and controlled me. I actually had no control, and was I guess fighting for my life.

I wanted to write this post today, which I appreciate is perhaps is not clearly written. In the very beginning. He seemed like a strong man. Who would protect me. I felt very feminine in the beginning. That isn’t to say that I need a man to protect me. But at that time in my life, I did need protecting. I was vulnerable. And it was this that he played on to lure me in.

Within a short space of time (Perhaps within a month) it quickly began to change. I didn’t even know then, and wouldn’t for at least 6 months, who he was. I just knew that things kept going wrong, and I was repeatedly picking up the pieces. I felt like it was taking all of my energy trying to repair damage (that I didn’t know he was deliberately creating).

Once we split for good. I didn’t return to self, and feel like a female again. The way that I had done before. Before I had taken pride in my appearance. Would get my hair done every 6 weeks or so (as I was working), would buy clothes. Instead, I remained, this genderless, empty, nothing shell.

I wonder, what are your experiences? Did you experience this too?

This post is dedicated, on International Women’s Day to all of the women out there, the mums, the grandmothers, those who were kept due to children, those who were lured in, because they were maybe a single mother. Those who were grieving mothers. Those who shared their stories. Those women who escaped and got out alive. Those women who set up support networks, to get the word out, and to help others.

Every single one of you, have my admiration.

For me. I am NOT a feminist. I never have been, and I never would be. I want equality. I want to be treated equally regardless of my gender. This to me, is a peaceful world.

It is many years later since we split. I think, somewhat, today, I have my sense of self back. I feel female again. For any of you, still there, still battling, please get out. Please get to a place of safety. ‘YOU’ doesn’t lie within your abuser, it is only temporarily stolen. YOU lies within you.

Happy International Women’s Day.

Copyright 2019

13 thoughts on “Dating a Sociopath readers – Happy International Woman’s Day! – Did you feel like you lost your gender identity when with a Sociopath Narcissist or Psychopath?”

  1. It’s still there. The aching, the longing hurt. It never leaves. Even if I can ignore it for a few days. It always returns. Like you are calling out to me. It’s how it feels. It’s confusing. I don’t know if it’s my wanting to reach out to you or if it’s really you calling out.
    Some days I just want to be the one that got away. I want to beg you to leave the regret lay where it lay. That dull ache in my chest. That thud. Like time has stopped. Even though I try to move on and I make strides your force still pulls me. The aching longing The hurt. I move forward but I don’t. You are calling me.
    I feel your force.

    1. Oh Bird I hear your pain in what you write. I am presuming that this is early days for you? You should write it can be really therapeutic. I hear what you are saying. Any loss hurts, of course it does. I know it is worse with them, as you feel like a part of you is missing. If this person is a sociopath it is because they did steal a part of you. A quicker way, to focus your mind, is to focus on GRATITUDE I mean, like gratitude for EVERYTHING. from the bed you sleep in. To food to eat. This brings your world very small, and makes you focus on you. I know this might perhaps sound stupid, but it can be really affective at undoing severe gaslighting and mind control. If this person has really hurt you, do you really want to spend the rest of your life being hurt? Do you want go through this again and again? No contact is the only way. Or write an email and don’t send it. Set up a blog, you write beautifully and share your journey with others. Get your feelings out. It is ok, you are going to be ok. you are going to make it through. No matter how much it hurts right now. You are going to be ok.

      1. I actually wrote this just to express to my socia (the second one in my life) how I felt. I sent this to him. He of course was flattered. Because he was too stupid to realize what it meant.

        Thank you Positiva for your wonderful support and kind words to so many of us. Unfortunately for me I met this second one while caring for my ill exhusband and best friend. I lost my ex to death and then the sociopath to of course his inability to be a human. So much loss in just a year. I actually am focusing on good memories of my best friend and ex and the sociopath is just the dirt that’s not much in my thoughts.

        But yes the sociopath stole my identity. And I know I will find it again. But first my grieving comes for my ex. A person who loved me unconditionally for 23 years.
        Love to you

      2. Oh bless you Bird. Targeting the bereaved is a favourite. I too was bereaved (my daughter) as written in that article. They are pathological liars. I know I have written some posts about this topic, I will see if I can dig them out. I was writing from viewpoint of a bereaved traumatised person, who was taken in, and groomed, manipulated and later dominated and controlled by the sociopath.

  2. Just a quick, non-related, question. I see that you have an area for “Sociopaths” to share their own story (ie Sociopath Sin Bin) But it does not have any way that I can find to actually leave any stories or comments or anything. Is this intentional, is there a specific way to contribute or is that section no longer in use? I’d like to contribute so I would really like to know.
    Thank you in advance.

    1. Thanks for pointing that out to me. I had wondered why no sociopaths had commented, as they do comment in my comments section. I hadn’t realised that there was no ability to leave comments. I will have a look into it, try to resolve and let you know when I have.

  3. I have trying to figure out why I fell for the sociopath that was in my life. I finally realized why I fell for him. Your description of how your relationship was in the beginning was the same for me! He was my knight in shinning armor!

  4. This doesn’t exactly have to do with relationships but I’m a transgender MtF and I also display antisocial behavior and well it obviously hasn’t diminished my gender identity even though it does make me feel masculine sometimes gender dysphoria is also one of the feelings I’m vulnerable too… but I’m also the person who is antisocial so then again why would that effect me but still though it hasn’t taken away my identity either has tangling with sociopaths I still retain my identity

  5. Yes, he even asked to swap gender roles. He asked if (in our future ie if we were married) he would be a stay at home dad. I was such a fool to go out with him. Crossed so many boundaries. Through gaslighting I found myself in situations I would never have considered. This includes hanging around his exes sister (the sister hates her family) I was told when I mentioned how it made me feel uncomfortable. Sat around during a court case involving the sister of his ex’s boyfriend , a crime the bf committed against his ex. Like a mug I have emotional support to his exes sister. The first day I met his parents , his mother liked a photo of his other ex gf on Facebook, she was scantily clad doing her hobby of pole dancing. I asked him about it and again I was successfully gaslighted. It is only in hindsight I realise the effect it all had on me.

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