Today is International Woman’s day. This is a term that I hadn’t heard of until my daughter moved abroad. It seemed odd to me at the time. But she got gifts at school from children, for being a woman. This seemed to make my daughter happy, so I said nothing.

I am British, so this isn’t something that was within our narrative. I started to write this website, and came across a lot of male victims of abuse, as well as females. Many would reach this site by coming across earlier posts from 2013, and complain that I was writing about a male sociopath. They would point out to me, that females can be Sociopaths too.

This post today is for women, on International women’s day (I do acknowledge men on mens day).

Why dating a sociopath can remove your sense of being a woman

I would be interested in other peoples comments on this topic, as it is something that I have not previously written about.

Being with a Sociopath removed my sense of identity. As a woman, part of my identity, is to be that gender (for me personally). I would also be interested in your views if you are from same sex relationship, did your sense of identity and gender change?

Being with a Sociopath, you will lose your sense of ‘self’. They manipulate and control you. It didn’t happen immediately. I didn’t meet a man who appeared to be the exact opposite of everything that I wanted.

Initially, he made out that he was alpha male

• Good father
• Good and caring partner
• Supportive
• Had a good job, that matched my own profession (that I was working in at the time)
• Similar income level

There was no indication that I was entering into a relationship, where I would feel so robbed, of ‘who I was’, that my identity would be so stolen, that I would also feel genderless, for the first time ever in my life.

It wouldn’t be long, before the job that he claimed to have, well that didn’t materialise, neither did the next job, or the one after or the one after, and this would continue.

This would force me into being in a role where I was

• Paying for everything
• Making all the decisions (so I thought)
• Being the responsible one

He would take on the female role

• Sometimes he would cook
• He would be ‘faux’ caring, looking out for me.
• Be overtly loving, but again this was over the top, and faux
• Made me feel that I was responsible for him
• Played the victim

I genuinely felt like I had lost not only my identity, I had also lost my gender. I remember, quite clearly, feeling like I was forced to behave like a man. While he played victim, manipulated and controlled me. I actually had no control, and was I guess fighting for my life.

I wanted to write this post today, which I appreciate is perhaps is not clearly written. In the very beginning. He seemed like a strong man. Who would protect me. I felt very feminine in the beginning. That isn’t to say that I need a man to protect me. But at that time in my life, I did need protecting. I was vulnerable. And it was this that he played on to lure me in.

Within a short space of time (Perhaps within a month) it quickly began to change. I didn’t even know then, and wouldn’t for at least 6 months, who he was. I just knew that things kept going wrong, and I was repeatedly picking up the pieces. I felt like it was taking all of my energy trying to repair damage (that I didn’t know he was deliberately creating).

Once we split for good. I didn’t return to self, and feel like a female again. The way that I had done before. Before I had taken pride in my appearance. Would get my hair done every 6 weeks or so (as I was working), would buy clothes. Instead, I remained, this genderless, empty, nothing shell.

I wonder, what are your experiences? Did you experience this too?

This post is dedicated, on International Women’s Day to all of the women out there, the mums, the grandmothers, those who were kept due to children, those who were lured in, because they were maybe a single mother. Those who were grieving mothers. Those who shared their stories. Those women who escaped and got out alive. Those women who set up support networks, to get the word out, and to help others.

Every single one of you, have my admiration.

For me. I am NOT a feminist. I never have been, and I never would be. I want equality. I want to be treated equally regardless of my gender. This to me, is a peaceful world.

It is many years later since we split. I think, somewhat, today, I have my sense of self back. I feel female again. For any of you, still there, still battling, please get out. Please get to a place of safety. ‘YOU’ doesn’t lie within your abuser, it is only temporarily stolen. YOU lies within you.

Happy International Women’s Day.

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