@Nomreinsanity,…your story is so sad, but you and your daughter are better off. I was lucky to not have a child tying us together. Though the fact that I was unable, at the age of 52, to give him a child of his own was one of the excuses he tossed around as a reason for discarding me. Monsters…
As you saidi know “no contact” is the way..My pain is so new so i dont have the heart to delete everything.But i will start with small steps..I wont enter the social media to check his sharings and i wont look at his last seens..I will start with this..I will fight for letting go..
It is hard because it happened twice now and i was the fool i thought i wont do it again,he accepted his mistakes but things dont change as it seems
Going off his social media is a great place to start. I was in a 5-yr long, very painful relationship with an SP till last year. I broke it off and it has been very difficult. He, however, was not on social media, so I didn’t have to deal with that. I was dating someone new for the past 7 months. I was still trying to determine if he was a narcissist or SP. He was active on texting and somewhat (rarely, but strategically) on Facebook. Fri. night he told me he got back together with an ex-girlfriend and couldn’t see me anymore. I defriended him right away before I saw him post a picture of them together. I didn’t realize how addicted I was to looking to see if he posted every day, of looking at what he reacted to, etc. Since I defriended him, I can’t go back. I did it to save myself the hurt, but when I go to the computer now, I feel like I have little draw to go to Facebook, because I cannot see him. I was starting to love this guy, and it’s very sad, but more of the pain I feel is still that of the original SP coming back. Sorry, that’s an aside, but I know being off his Facebook is really important, but so hard (I’ve been on it over 3 years of checking nearly daily–since I knew him before we got together). Good luck.
@Nykie, we all know what you are going through and you have support here! It’s been more than a year for me, and I am in a new and healthier relationship, but I still deal with anger and old baggage. It’s better…way better…and the way to get here is to start with baby steps. You are strong enough and you will heal, I promise!!
Wow. I am mind blown. Three years with him and I only now realise he’s a sociopath….. every description has fit to a tee….. Manipulative, a total facade of shocking lies, like the shit he says in the face of confrontation that completely contradict his actions, the selfishness, constant cheating and lack of remorse no matter how many times he broke me down he repeats his actions and stilllll claimed to care about me. He isolated me and rarely liked to go out with me and others… I always felt he was fake and was someone else inside. he cannot empathise with people and to top it all he’s the most charismatic person. funny and talkative but selfish and plain cruel. And worst part I feel psychologically fucked up, I’m so much more insecure now and like I’m too dependant on him to leave because I’m alone as hell far away from family and have no friends. and now I know he’s obviously a sociopath I feel sorry for him. I always suspected he had deep issues, but what now?
I am new here and I feel like I am obsessing over some details but this might be a good place to get them out there.
In my relationship, I never expected anything so bad, but have started to discover that my bf of the last 4 years was likely a sociopath. We had a rough start because he cheated on me with his ex-gf about 10 months into our relationship. I found out because the girl facebook messaged me that they had been seeing each other again for the last 3 months…I remember now that I came over to talk things thru with him and I decided to just be friends and go out with a group of friends that night. He took his time upstairs and I finally went up to see if he was ready and he was talking to the ex that he cheated on me with on the phone, begging to get her back…! I couldn’t believe it, just so weird and rude. I left and never wanted to see him again, but he came back begging on my birthday telling me he loved me, and he knew he would make a huge mistake by not being with me. He said that he was just making a backup plan with her and that he never thought we would find out about each other……both red flags, but at the time I guess I thought he was being honest.
For the next 3 years he started as the most charming man, everything between us was wonderful, he told me he wanted to be together forever, but then the facade started to fall away. I started seeing it with other people first, as we spent more time together, we would come home from an evening out with friends and he would talk shit about how horrible all my friends were, and also how horrible all his own friends were. He would get phone calls from friends, and before he would answer, he would roll his eyes and say ughh i hate this person, then answer like he was their best friend…kinda creeped me out, but I guess I thought I was getting to know the the real him (not that it was as great as he started out being).
Then I started feeling hollow and wondering when he stopped caring about me. At first he withheld sex and then anything physically affectionate for the last two years, stating that he was under extreme stress. I, trying to be a supportive person, stayed for the two years as slowly our physical relationship devolved into me asking for a kiss goodnight every night, eventho I could tell he didn’t want to. I didn’t think it would be good to leave someone who was so stressed he couldn’t even perform, eventho it really started messing with my mind that I wasn’t attractive or desirable to him. I brought it up multiple times and he always had an excuse…We lived together this last year and I kept having horrible gut feelings about everything. One night, I was actually sick and couldn’t sleep, and I looked thru his phone. He had naked pictures of one of his girl friends on his phone, one that I continued to tell him had feelings for him, but he always dismissed as me being crazy. She had sent these photos to him and I was livid. He immediately called me out on violating his trust by looking through his phone. He also told me that she sent him these photos without him asking and insisted there wasn’t a physical aspect to his indiscretion. Somehow I believed him, but I started to wonder if there wasn’t a lie or two to cover up what really happened.
I took him back and spent a couple weeks at home in California before I was going to move all of my things to Tennessee and start a new job that I had just accepted and move in with him there. Right before I was supposed to move he called me on the phone and ended things. He said that he wasn’t ready for the commitment of me moving across the country for him, and that he was still in love with me but couldn’t do it anymore. Obviously this was very confusing for me. He cried on the phone with me for an hour, and somehow my gut knew to be worried he would badmouth me. He had badmouthed his ex before me, most if not all of which I don’t believe to be true anymore. He told me that I was the best person he had ever met and he could never speak badly about me. I believed that too, I liked that one. After a couple days had passed, I was still angry and felt like nothing made sense. In an attempt to clarify, I referenced us not being physically intimate for years, and the fact that he had nude pictures of another girl on his phone…considering whether he could only be interested in some kind of taboo affair…He immediately got extremely defensive and called me the meanest person he had ever met…eventho a couple days before I was the best person he had ever met…very confusing. I told him we should try not talking for a month and let our emotions settle down.
After two weeks friends of mine said that he added the girl who sent him naked pictures back as a friend on facebook. The same day I was also sent a photo of him with his arm around a new girl and her holding his hand…with some more research I found that she was in a wedding he was also in, that he told me not to go to, and that they must have met at least 3 months before we broke up. I called him to try to understand, but he wouldn’t answer. I think I understand now that a sociopath has no reason to answer your questions or try to understand your feelings once you can do nothing more for them. At this point I realized he was lying about this new girl, he also probably lied about the naked photos, and who knows what else. It is very confusing since he was withholding intimacy from me, and I was trying to be so understanding and would never have left him in such a sad mental state, but yet all his lying involved physical connections with other people. I know he’s being the charming man I originally met with these new girls…someone I haven’t seen in the past two years. I now know that I had seen too many cracks in his mask and he resented me for knowing he wasn’t perfect, although I didn’t know what he truly was until I realized he is a first-class liar.
When I started researching lying, cheating, and emotional detachment, I came across sociopaths….I believe he does fit the description. At that point I knew for sure I would never get any real answers to my questions and that he has no empathy to take the time to understand my feelings, let alone listen to them. One of the things that is most painful is that when I have told my parents or close friends that I believe he is a sociopath, they say things like “whatever you need to tell yourself to feel better…” it’s very hard having to go through something like this where someone uses you up (and admonishes you if you tell anyone about the problems in the relationship), and then no one believes you. I wasn’t allowed to tell any of my friends or family about any of the issues in our relationship, eventho the intimacy problem really tore me up inside.
He left me when it was most convenient for him and over the phone with a whole country between us. I had to rescind my job offer in TN, and start the search in CA. I had really connected with his family because he insisted we spend every holiday with them and I had kind of abandoned my own family in the process…let alone friends in CA who I hadn’t connected with since we got together. I felt very isolated, and it took about 2 months to get licensed in CA, find a job, and get all my legal things organized, by which time I am now completely broke and have started charging up my credit cards. I still can’t believe he did me like this. I have considered contacting the new girl because I don’t want anyone else to have to go thru this, but I also want him out of my life for good. Once I realized he is a sociopath, I have blocked him on everything, eventho it kills me that I will never talk to him again. I am still struggling with not thinking about this all the time. Mostly my thoughts center around how someone could do this to another human being. I don’t understand the cheating or the lying, and its all very confusing. I want to stop thinking about it, and I feel like my friends have not been there for me. I also have guilt that I am falsely accusing him of being a sociopath…but I don’t understand how he could have broken up with me “still in love” and also have been lying about seeking out nude photos from friends and starting a relationship with a girl at a wedding while we were together.
I am very happy for finding this website, because reading other stories make me know that the way I feel towards him is years of systematic programming that he did to me. Logically I want to break the cycle, but he was at one point what I thought was the love of my life…I now don’t understand how such evil exists. It is cathartic to get my story out to people who may understand what kind of psycho this is to lie and cheat…the people close to me do not understand.
Everyone of them seem to play in the same movie. Your experience sound so much like mine and every other person that has a story to tell. What i ask myself is when did i stop loving me? We give, give, and continue to give to someone who only understands taking. I was in my relationship off and on for almost 5 years and i just left 4/2/2016. It is very difficult but i read to hear what others have experienced because trying to tell others who have never encountered such a people seem not to understand the pain and deliberated misery they inflict. Typically, they ask why would you stay with someone who acts this way. My answer was the fact i just couldn’t believe that a person that is suppose to be human could be that way. I believe in GOD so i wanted to believe that staying trying to fix things, be more supportive, be more of what he wanted, do more of what he asked, not question him even when there should be questions asked. Well i am here to say, nothing we could ever do can fix them. They will continue to live as they have and hurt others without an ounce of remorse, o yes they will feign remorse if the right person is watching.
I have just come out of a relationship with a sociopath. I had known this guy for four years we met on a dating site, we built up a friendship via text and eventually met. It felt like I had met the one, he was everything I had been looking for. We both wanted the same things, he had been betrayed as I had, so promised we would have an honest loving relationship. He had had a bad childhood through parent separation and exes betraying him and controlling him. I wanted to love and protect this wonderful man. We soon moved in together and tried for a baby. Something changed after 9 months, I noticed he was never happy, no matter what he hated his life, couldn’t hold down a job, didn’t like people, would insult the majority. Had very few friends, didn’t like my family or friends, wanted me to change. I was pregnant yet everything was about him, I received no support. A child was all he ever wanted, or so he said. He started to say something was wrong with him, he wasn’t like everyone else. We went through having our first child, he never seemed to bond with her, never cared. I through suspicion found he had been messaging other girls behind my back, I chucked him out of the house. He soon ‘opened’ up told me he was a sociopath, that he was able to lie and felt nothing, that he wasn’t even sorry for what he had done. But he hated to see me sad. He promised to changed, to get help, counselling, he also drank a lot and said this was due to stress. He seemed to be more focused. We were a family, I wanted it to work. I read up on sociopaths to try and understand him, oh this was him without a doubt. Everything seemed to be OK. I was in control though, it was down to me if he moved back in and we gave it another go. One day he was talking about looking forward to being allowed home. Four days later he told me it was over, I couldn’t give him what he needed and he wasn’t in love with me…just like that our relationship is over. We have a baby together. I’m not going to pretend I’m not in love with him still because I am, but I’m hoping to understand more about his behaviour so it doesn’t emotionally scare me. He will always he in my life because of our daughter and I can see already he is trying to control things, when he sees her, what schools she will go to…along with insulting me. I want to find a way to keep him in out lives on good terms but so far from the information I have read it doesn’t seem possible. I would love to be friends with him and help him. I don’t think that’s likely either.I feel so lost
hello everyone so happy i found this site. i knew all along this guy i was seeing was a sociopath. stupid me right? i see all the signs i continue to take him back many times.. each time worse and worse.he is now in the ruining stage of my life, he is making threats and threatening to damage my rep. i have a no contact order on him. he is delusional and relentless. he has other problems on top bipolar to a tee. i think this is why i tried to make it work. i felt bad for him and of course i urn for the honeymoon stage and physical satisfaction he seemed to give me. he has no family and friends. he is from out of town. he is controlling not wanting me to have time for myself. i get bitched at for texts from friends. i found this and reading he is text book to the 18 signs posted here. with more i could add. i did love him in a way but i could never give myself to him fully but always tried.. i could see through him.. i would call him out on his lies and deception constantly this would make things worse. he had a unique way of winning my heart back then totally destroying it days later with his “talks”. hours and hours of talks (6 hours was the worse) then continue here and there. till i would explode. either way i tried.. quite as a mouse or eventually in rage nothing seemed to work. he was looking for that reaction. now i was the abuser. i yelled i defended myself. its like he knew i knew he was full of shit. i would make sure i told him and this enraged him more. he would say i think he is a piece of shit an thats what i get… exactly what i think of him all along defending no thats not how i feel about you. its how he feels about himself.
very fast into the relationship he rushed making me the center of his world…love marriage and kids ect.. he conned me offering me a 1000 a month to live with me. hey he was already spending the night every night anyways. i liked him he seemed harmless and charming. he gave me the money the first month then spent like double of it of my own. i saw this pattern called him out on it. he would disappear. then i would take him back then the money became less and less till nothing. he would disappear again when i called him out and i would begin to miss the good times those special feelings he offered to me. then he would appear almost knowing i was moving on. again i take him back all along him making me feel bad and continuing to blame me but always saying it was no ones fault. all along saying his behavior is because he loves so much. he was very blatant in his ways and seem to make no attempt to hide his behavior sometimes bragging but making me feel as if i was special and different. i see these warnings still continue. again stupid me.
he doesnt seem to go away. to this day i had to call the cops on him for harassing text and calls threats. cops don’t do anything. i have court on monday to continue the protection order. where he threatens to ruin me and have them take my daughter away from me because i am supposedly a terrible mother person ect.. i know it is all false but it still makes me scared and uncomfortable. the only reason i am a terrible mother os for alloying this to go on as long as i did ( two weeks shy of a year) have had contact and responded with him in hopes to reason with him but this of course is a mistake. its like i try to love him but i loath him and feel bad for him at the very same time. i have never experienced these mixed emotions before. its like don’t sociopaths deserve love too? i know they dont embrace it but i feel like he sometimes does then destroys my feelings and his own. i feel i am strong enough to handle this and be the one to give him the love he needs but he makes it so unbearable i cant. he makes up ridiculous stories about me. some are true cause i am not perfect by far but its like he takes them to a new level of disgust and twists them that i cant ever fathom. in a way i liked his unique disturbed mind as i tend to be more towards the loner unique free spirited bad boy.. at first seemed directed towards other or in the best interest for me and my well being.. obvious lies. things just have gone to far now. he thinks he is above the police the law ect.. he is an ex marine so he is trained to be sneaky. sneaks around my house and i never can prove it. i put up cameras recently so i dont if this will help. he is a 100% mentally disabled veteran and gets a check every month that part is not a lie. but he told me he fakes it so he can get a check or another story was because of his duty he served he gets it also. i do know for a fact he gets a check but why i will never really know but i can make a true assumption now he is just plain down right crazy.
i fell so stupid and used. i wish i never met him. i have never hated anyone in my life this guy has really made me realize monsters do exist. his name is jason btw extremely fitting name. should have been my first sign.. there were so many i see them i ignored blinded by his persona and his sexual charm. i am by far not a a dummy but i never thought i would be such a victim of love or now hate. or whatever feelings i had for him i could never place them.. i felt like hey maybe if i tried to give him love he would change and its never gonna happen. will he ever go away? is my question. i am tired of being trapped in this endless web of lies cons and threats harassment ect.. its exhausting. its over in my mind but in his i feel like this is the beginning. for a while in a way it was almost like i would rather him around then wonder and not know when he will strike next. jason from friday the thirteenth is real only he doesn’t kill me physically he kills me mentally and his abuse and games never die.
I need help. I have tried to leave a post 4 times on here but nothing shows up. I have tried to email “positivagirl” with no response. I am desperate. I am broken and dying. I can’t do this. I am afraid of what I may do. My only hope is getting some sort of support group like you all seemed to have formed on here. I tried other ones but they seem so big and intimidating. I don’t even know how to start on here. I am so broken and feel like nobody cares to hear my story anyways. How pathetic do I sound. Jeeeze. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I used to be happy, outgoing, confident, and full of hope and faith. I am broken. I need help and don’t know where to start. I have read this whole blog and every post. I am not even capable of making lists right now. I can barely function an do the basic things need to live like breathe, eat, walk, and sleep. God, please…someone tell me where to start. I think I am permanently damaged.
Hi lover 1313. I am so sorry for the delay in response i will also be going through email too.
What might seem like ‘damaged’ is wisdom, growth. Not jumping straight into things and remembering that actions will always speak louder than words.
Start with today. This is all that you have power over. Start with right now. You do not have to devise a plan right now to be happy for the rest of your life. Just devise something that makes you feel happy right now. What brings joy? I know that you have said you are not capable of writing lists. How about a gratitude list? Every single one of us has something to be grateful for. If it is one friend who is loyal. Food and water, your home. Animals, a bed to sleep in etc.
Sociopaths are expert at making you believe they ARE the world. They deliberately remove what is of value to you and your world. Leaving you ‘feeling’ empty and bereft.
I will try to find your emails and reply. I apologise for taking so long to respond.
I too can not find the story but have been where you are . Don’t be alone or isolate as you were taught till your thru a couple of months. Share your story we will help.It gets better as you move forward.I promise! It’s a long hard road and we will walk it by your side. Read all you can educate yourself to understand the fog ,pain and confusion. It won’t take it away it will put an understanding on it.hugs❤️
Breathe, @lover1313, you found us and we see you! And we know your pain, too. Take one day at a time, tell us your story in pieces, or all at once. I’m over a year out of my hell and I still find I respond to triggers in extreme ways, though those times are fewer and farther between and I recognize when I’m having one of those moments. You are among understanding friends here…
I too have tried to post on this site but nothing is showing. I feel like I’ve been alone now for all this time and I just hope that I can be involved at some point.
Thank you Nikki. I appreciate the chance to share my story. I’ll repost my entry from 5th July as it’s still not showing in the timeline.
I see that you have reposted thank you.
Thank you all for your warm welcome. I have so much to say, vent, get out, or whatever. It is late and I am exhausted. Drained physically & emotionally. But I am in much need of getting this all out. I literally feel like I will combust if I don’t. I would like some time to sit and write though & I don’t have it in me tonight. I have to wake up early to go to my horrible part time job, making less than I did when I was 18 years old….a direct result of this man & the damage that was done. I am trying to stay as positive as I can and be grateful that I have a job at all and it at least keeps my mind somewhat (and I use that word loosely,) occupied and out of my own head & despair for 8 hours of the day. So far, after almost a year, I have yet to go more than 2 hours without thinking of him, the past, the pain, and the anger of all that happened. Most nights, I hope that I won’t wake up. I know that is horrible and bleak. I also have 5 months sober….I used to use drugs and alcohol to cope with all these feelings (not that it ever helped,) but it is like I am just starting to grieve and feel these feelings without chemicals. I must say him and the sickness is harder to quit than the dope and booze.Though I crave the escape constantly.
Anyways, I just wanted to thank you for acknowledging my post and say that right now, this site, is the only thing I have to look forward to for any help, support, or friendships that may come from it. I feel so alone and desperate. God willing (depending on how you look at it,) I will check in after work tomorrow evening. Thank you all.
What if my story is like literally 20 pages long? I don’t know how to tell it without adding all previous history. It’s like a novel. Literally. And I mean 20 typed paged of 8×10 paper! No joke. ??????
Lots of peoples are michelle 💖
I honestly have no idea what I would have done without this page. It’s been 3 months since I got brutally discarded. I am still hurting but I have to say that time heals and that I sometimes feel I am taking one step forward and three steps back. Some days I feel free, like myself and that my life actually can get back together again but suddenly the next day I feel in despair again. I am experiencing some very hard days these days again because of just one little movement from the girl who discarded me, which I keep beating myself up for because if it wasn’t for my own need to look at her social media pages I wouldn’t have had to hurt this much. Why is it so hard to stop looking?
I flew across the Atlantic Ocean to be with the girl of my dreams, or the girl I thought was my dreams and I planned on moving to be with her. When I look back I feel so stupid, blind, and embarrassed. Stupid in love. I still want to move there, but not because of her and I need a lot of time because the only thing I think about when in that City ( The city of my dreams ) is her. We only had about one “normal” week together before things started falling apart. At the beginning I thought everything was my fault but in the aftermath I realize how manipulated I and everyone around us was. I honestly believe she wanted us to work, she did a lot to make it work and for this not to happen but she was honest enough saying that if she falls in “love”, she runs and she runs fast and she can’t stop it even if she wanted to stop it. She said she needs love desperately, but she can’t have it. I don’t even know anymore if that was a lie, but I don’t care because it does not change anything. I can’t fix her even if I think I always will keep some of my love for her. I still feel sometimes that I maybe could have done something differently, but then I start to think more about it and I know this would have happen no matter what I had done. I gave my love to her, and she couldn’t take it. It is so so sad.
I just can’t believe that I didn’t stop it myself before she did. The manipulation, controlling, silent treatment, she “froze” me out all of the sudden, little by little I was crushed and I did not recognize myself. I was constantly physically sick and she just kept on pushing me. She decided to discard me on the worst day ever, right before I had to leave the country and flew back home before going to see her again,right after we had three almost perfect days together and I thought everything was getting back the way they once were. I know she actually was angry with me for leaving (?) and in my mind this just doesn’t add up. I would have come back. I would have been faithful even if she somehow just couldn’t trust me only because people tend to “gather around” me a lot when we go out and I love to dress up and have fun. I only had eyes for her. Only her. No matter what I did I feel that in her eyes I didn’t do anything for her, that I couldn’t be trusted and that I was selfish.
When she discarded me she tried to avoid even speaking to me at all. I felt like I was going crazy and after desperately trying to get in contact with her in any single way that same day I finally did and I believe this made her even more mad at me. She actually laughed, said she didn’t give a shit about me and this is where I have to believe her and her words to keep myself from being drawn into her again. That was the truth coming from her lips, at least in that very moment. After this I have never tried to contact her. Not once and this is the one thing I am so extremely proud of because it is the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life. I only sent her a last text before I left the country just a couple of days after she discarded me where I said she was wrong, she did wrong and that one day she maybe will regret this but I will never wish anything bad for her, that I am so grateful for everything we shared together and that I will always keep on looking for the best in people, and in her. I meant what I said.
The thing that is hard for me these days that has threw me “back” a little bit is that she and I used to flirt a lot over social media, posting pictures with cute hints to each other but at that point it was an very innocent cute game, at least on my part. She knows that I almost started stalking her after a while because I felt so crazy and even my family didn’t understand what was happening to me. I had to stop myself because it only hurt me and I also saw her with another girl very fast, at a social media platform where she thought I couldn’t see it because she wanted to hide it for me and blocked me and my family. I am grateful that I got a chance to see it even if it was the worst feeling I have felt my whole life, because that was the thing that took me out of the fog, out of the denial, that forced me to start building my own life and to grief over her. I had never been that angry or sad before. I was raging.
So I have been through every stage back and forth – The fog, confusing, anger, sorrow, the detective, the desperately seeking for answers reading hours and hours online, despair, depression etc etc. I am in a better place now. I have started dating very carefully again, I am working out exercising almost on a daily basis and are planning and fixing my own life. I am taking care of myself and I have to say – I look better now then I did when I was with her and I know she cares so much about appearance. That was what she felt for with me I believe. That and the fact that in her eyes I was a “success” which according to her I think is a very good appearance, being very popular among a lot of people, my age and having a very good work. That I look like a model and also have worked a little bit as a model, and that I gave my heart to her, only her, even if there are so many people who wants to date me. I don’t care about it. I only wanted her. Some place in my heart I still do but I am working on it. It’s just so hard.
What she has done now recently is that she posted a video of me and her (!), one of the best days we had together and when I saw it I literally felt flat on the bathroom floor. I laughed and cried at the same time. I wanted to just push her into a wall, I wanted to contact her more than ever before but instead I went outside running. People asked her if I was her girlfriend. I just couldn’t believe it and I had to pull myself back together. She does this of probably different reasons:
1. I didn’t beg her enough to take me back and she therefore maybe wants me to beg more and to crush me completely.
2. My life is really getting back together, even better than before with my work and everything and she sees me happy, beautiful, living and loving life.
3. She is tired of her newest supply and / or got disappointed as she always does.
4. She knows that I will travel again and that I will be back in that city this year.
5. She somewhere inside hates me even more for not crying, not begging and not desperately contacting her. I believe this both makes her “want” me more only to break me down, and at the same time hate me and tell herself that I actually didn’t care for her, that I was not in love with her as she said when I first told her how I felt. She just would not believe me no matter what I did. She never believed me and it hurts so much. Why couldn’t see she that I was real?
Could this be reasons, or am I crazy? I am writing this to understand myself that this is NOT love, this is not healthy, this is not ok, this is not normal and I am trying once again not to look at her social media pages at all.
Some days later she posted something to hurt me again. Actually on my birthday. I don’t understand what she is thinking, I don’t completely understand what she want’s ( Is it games? Does she like it? Do sociopaths really enjoy and like games? Why can’t she just stop when she was the one who cut me out of her life? ) but I know she has been trying every single thing/ movement on social media to get me to give her a hint back like before but she has not contacted me and I have not given her any hints back. The only thing is that I of some reasons am not able to block her completely on social media and I am afraid this is going to be my down fall. I have tried so many times. I have erased pictures, her phone number, everything. But this one thing I just can’t get myself to do. I guess I am still at the point where my heart wants her so badly, so so badly. How can I let go completely? How will I stop myself if she tries to come back? How can I be strong enough? I am sorry that this became such a long story, I am just so confused again and it is so hard feeling this way again all of the sudden. I feel addicted to her. Completely. I wish this would stop. Now.
LJ~
YES. They ARE addictive.
They “act” like our “soul-mate” because they mirror us and do and want and say everything we do and want and say!
You are PROBABLY correct on ALL of your bullet points that you listed!
She’ll want you back if who she is with isn’t as good as you were.
Yes, they play games and they LOVE the games they PLAY because they are ALways games according to THEIR rules.
She sees you having fun and not groveling for her and the only reason that she doesn’t LIKE it is because she losing her own game.
I know it’s hard but the best thing for you to do (as you’ve really come so far!) is to completely void ALL social-media that keeps you basically “stalking” her. 🙂
To move forward completely and to get her off your mind, you’d really have to do that.
The reason I’m such an expert even though I’m only 7 weeks NC this time, is because I’ve known all along in the 5.5 year relationship I was in what to do to move forward withOUT him.
But I NEVER REALLY wanted to move ANYwhere withOUT him until THIS time.
This time, I can actually WALK and TALK instead of just TALK.
(I started a blog in 2012 cause I knew back THEN what he was and as embarrassing as it is, I actually had people that followed my blog which went stagnant as I was never really committed to doing the WALK as I am this time around.)
Even though I stayed with him, I never stopped knowing what he was and I never stopped reading and learning what to do if and when I was ever ready.
ANYway, that’s MY thinking on it~That you really DO need to cut all social-media ties with her to be able to fully commit to moving forward.
I’m looking so forward to the day I can say it’s been 3 months as you have!!!
Keep moving!~
@GayeLynn Thank you SO much, I almost started crying reading your response because I know you are absolutely 100% correct about the ‘stop looking at her social media’ to being able to let go completely. It really hit my heart, but in a good way because I needed it. Thank you. Also as you are describing about your own story, about not really wanting to do the walk – I believe I am there in some ways. I want to let go so badly, but I don’t want to at the same time because I can’t get the fairytale, the dream out of my mind. I also think I am so ashamed. She absolutely knows how much pride I have and of course this is an advantage for her. Congratulations on your 7 weeks – that’s wonderful and I hope, wish and believe that you will make it this time. This time it’s about you, it’s your time. You are clearly as you are stating yourself an expert on this already because you have learned so much so keep on moving forward and stay strong. I knew a lot about what I had to do and I know what I have to do at this point – I just need to do it because I have done everything else besides stopping the social media looking completely. I hope I will get there soon.
Mine walked out on me with no word or warning. The previous years were absolutely horrible. I did not realize that when he walked. I thought i would die. As time went by, I realized I would be just fine. I never had the money for a divorce. However, after years he shows up. He attacks me. I had to have him arrested, I filed for a restraining order and they denied it. Before our court date he bought personal property ins on the things in my home. The agent sent the policy to my house. I also received a consent form from his job saying I had to sign the paper in order for him to get 165000 life ins on me. Court day came. He got two years probation. A slap on the hand.
Early this month he did it again. He was able to call police before me, so guess what, they took me to jail for defending myself. I got out of jail, the next day police came to my house to serve me a restraining order. They made me leave my home! The home he had walked away from earlier and had no contributions to. Police had him standing in my driveway as they were walking me out, they walked him in my home, Just like that. Within days he had utilities switched to his name. The next week he moved all of my possessions out to an unknown location.
This week we went to court for restraining order. The judge decided that I am a threat. (he is 6ft 250lbs)(I am 5 ft 118) and he is all the sudden in fear of his life of me. Due to the fact the police felt it necessary to arrest me, he was going to let the order stand. So there you go. In an unexpected blink of an eye, my life was turned upside down and everything Ive worked for is gone. He himself keeps breaking his own restraining order. Calling 20-30 time in an hour. I have recordings of him threatening me in a nasty, nice way.
Today I met my landlady to give her the keys since Ive been banned from the place. She and i met on the neighbors porch across the street. He called police and tried to have me arrested. I was told that if i was anywhere he could see me i would go to jail. I’m just about to lose my mind. I do not understand why the judicial system does not see what he is doing. They are treating me like a mass murderer and protecting him. I cant help but to wonder do they even give a shit about me. I was not even allowed to get the rest of my PERSONAL things from my home. This is a nightmare. I am so lost, scared, and confused. It is like I am in the twilight zone. This man has brought so much destruction to my life, heart, and soul. I do not know what he has up his sleeve but I know it is not good. He is far from done and i am going to pay the piper.
Please help me. No one here seems to care to hear my side. I need help to fight this. I am on my knees begging for someone to hear me and help me. I have an attorney. I have borrowed money and filed for divorce. Now it is the waiting game. He is relentless. he is going to find a way to put me in jail. He told me that over and over in the recordings. The police are buddy buddy with him and rude to me. I did file harassment charges. a warrant was issued. When he called police on me today they warned him of his warrant and did not bother to arrest him. what am I supposed to do?
@Hope… You are right on!!! I’ve asked myself the same thing ” when did I stop loving ME”? You’re also right about why we stay… We think our love for them will change them… We didn’t know that ” humans” like this existed!!! Mine was so charming, extremely sexy, attractive and always had an answer for Everything!!! My gut was telling me something was off… The actions weren’t matching the words but I was in too deep!! I was madly in love and desperately wanted him. I’ve since learned that the ” person” that I was in love with didn’t exist… It was a persona. He lied about pretty much everything!! I was devastated initially… I had a strong foundation to begin with, and with therapy, prayer and the support of good friends I’m getting back to self love and happiness!! Do I still care about him? Yes… But I mostly feel sad for him because his life has deteriorated and will continue to do so because of what he is and I know he won’t learn from his actions or mistakes!! They think they are winning when in fact they lose!!!
@CindyT I lacked the support on my end. I have been asked why did you stay? All i could tell them is you would never understand unless you have been with a person of this kind. People listen but almost in disbelief making it far more difficult to share the abuse you have actually experienced. I am not there yet, I was in this relationship off and on for 5 years. I was won over during the first 3 months but never knew what I was in for. I have been out of the relationship since 4/2/2016, when I say it has been so hard it has been one of the most difficult times I have ever experienced in my 39 years of life. I am still in total disbelief, my ex will be 50 this month you just wouldn’t believe his behavior. I’ve been looking everywhere for support groups but not many available. It’s really hard fighting to get back to yourself especially when you have little or no support.
I posted the below story on 5th July, but it never went live, so I’m adding it here again now that I’m an active member. It’s almost a month since I wrote this and looking back I can see how far I’ve actually come. There have been a few serious set backs in the last 4 weeks, and I’m sure that there will be more to come. Thanks for reading. I appeciate any comments you may have.
—————
5th July 2016
I’ve been in a real head-spin for quite a while now and having confided in a friend he rather bluntly stated that the girl I was dating was clearly a sociopath. At first I didn’t accept or even know what a sociopath was, but having read your site and looked into this a lot more I can clearly see that there were (now obvious) patterns of sociopathic behaviour that I was too blind to see at the time. I’ve taken the decision to end our relationship and have now gone No Contact thanks to sites such as yours.
I would like to share my story….
A few years ago I met a young, slim and extremely attractive girl at work. At the time she was 23 and I was in my early 40s and happily married. From the very beginning this girl was very flirtatious with me, to the point where I started to feel quite uncomfortable around her. Her skirts would get shorter every time I saw her and she seemed quite at ease dropping sexual related comments to me, even in front of other people at the office. It felt to me like she was just playing games and I didn’t want to be the classic fool who falls for it. I kept ignoring her and she moved away a few months later. I thought nothing more about it.
Over time my marriage suffered a few set backs to the point where separation became an option, so I was pretty down for a while. I was sitting in a cafe alone one lunchtime and who should walk in the door but this young girl. She is now 26 and still as stunning as ever. She asked if she could join me and I agreed. We chatted for a little bit and she made lots of eye contact, asked me lots of questions and seemed genuinely concerned about seeing me looking so depressed.
The emails started to roll in from her, about how she was concerned about me, then the texts arrived more and more. I tried to keep my replies short and to the point but I was slowly opening up to her. She seemed so genuine and understanding. She asked if we could meet for a coffee and a chat, and again I agreed.
She turned up wearing the skimpiest clothes you could possibly imagine. Heads were turning everywhere and yet she was only looking at me, directly in the eye as if I was the only person on earth. She told me directly that she had always been in love with me and that all she wanted at that moment was to take me to bed. That she knew it was wrong, but she couldn’t help how she felt, that the age difference meant nothing and that all she wanted was to feel me inside her.
Now, I’m being quite graphic here because I want others to understand how that made me feel. Here I was, a man in mid-life, facing the prospect of a bitter divorce, wondering what the future holds, staring at the prospect of losing his family and his home and all of a sudden, out of nowhere, comes this young ‘goddess’ who makes me feel alive again, valued again, proud again…
Call me weak, but the inevitable happened and the following few weeks were just heaven for me. I’d met my soul mate at last, she was everything I had ever dreamed of, sexy, smart, funny, caring, the works. The sex was mind blowing. I couldn’t believe how lucky I was and started to imagine that there was a life after my marriage. A life with HER…
Now, from a very early point, she was telling me that she loved me. I kept saying ‘you don’t even know me yet’ but she was adamant that her love was true and real, and of course I wanted to believe her. However, I was reluctant to fall in love with her. Something in the back of my mind was telling me to be careful. I suppose it was my own self defense mechanism kicking in. I knew deep down that something was wrong, that it couldn’t be THIS perfect. But, I decided that life was too short to miss this opportunity and I completely let myself go, let my guard down, opened up and told her truthfully that I loved her. I was at my happiest….
That was the day it all changed…
The very next day she sent me a text saying that she was pregnant with my child, and was leaving to have an abortion in another town and that I would never see her again.
I was completely distraught.
I did everything that I could to contact her and eventually we started talking again a couple of days later. I felt sick to my stomach, trying to juggle all of my emotions but it was hopeless and I was just a nervous wreck, while she stayed calm and collected.
The sex stopped, she stopped saying ‘I love you’ and from then on it was just an emotional drain on me in every possible way. We’d arrange to meet and she wouldn’t show up, making some excuse. Then she’s promise to call me and I’d sit there staring at my phone for hours on end wondering why the phone wasn’t ringing. I kept checking the volume levels and signal strength….. seems so silly now.
Then she agree to have the ‘abortion’ at a local clinic and I offered to go with her. She said that she’s rather go alone as she didn’t want me there as it would make it harder. I went to see her the day after the appointment and she seemed quite cheerful. When I questioned her on how it went she seemed puzzled ‘How did what go?’ she said. ‘At the abortion clinic…’ I replied. There was a moment’s silence and then she said ‘Oh yes, something came up so I didn’t go.’
‘Something came up?’ I asked her. What can come up that would be more important than an abortion appointment? At that point she became quite defensive and gave me a story about not wanting to bleed whilst on holiday.
So yet more confusion – ‘What holiday?’ I asked. ‘Oh. I’m off to Spain for a week with some friends’. That was the first I’d heard about any trip.
Not wanting to cause a fuss, and still believing that she was pregnant I offered to take her to the train station. She accepted and we sat waiting for the train in relative calm. It was probably the last time I saw her as the girl I fell for. As the train doors were closing, her parting comment was ‘Maybe I’ll kill your baby whilst I’m away, bye!’
My head was just in a spin. I felt about as low as I could and she was now leaving me for a week without contact. The longest week I can ever remember.
When she came back, the first contact I had was of her telling me that it was over and it was my fault. She’s read some old comment of mine on Facebook to a friend which ‘confirmed’ that I was not a nice person. I apologized profusely for the comment, even though to me it was completely innocent. I felt bad about all sorts of things that I shouldn’t have felt bad about. I started to feel worthless. Empty. Every time I questioned something I was accused on ‘over thinking’ matters, like it was my fault. I’ve never felt so confused in my life.
We agreed to meet again, but she never showed up, saying that she had to baby sit for her friend instead. By this time I was having serious doubts about everything she was telling me and my guard was starting to come back up. I was away on business for the day of the ‘abortion’ so offered to take her out to lunch the next day.
During lunch she’s told me that she had had doubts about the abortion, and that the second pill given to her by the doctor was not an easy one to take. That she started to imagine us as a family, with the baby growing up, learning to ride a bike, taking him to school, etc. She was painting a picture of an ideal family and maybe a week earlier I would have gone along with it…. Luckily for me that I had put up some defense because the next line from her could have finished me off….
She said ‘but in the end I decided that I should get rid of it and took the pill. Right now I can feel it crushing and ripping your baby to pieces inside me. It will be dead soon’.
I didn’t flinch or make any response. She looked at me waiting for something. I gave her nothing and carried on eating my lunch even though I was hurting so much inside.
The next few days were tough. She’d really lay on the abuse and guilt trips, make me out to be useless and unsupportive. I kept agreeing with her. She seemed baffled by my responses. We sat in a coffee bar on a Saturday at the end of June and she blamed her behaviour on hormones. and that it would be fine soon. That we should get back to having great sex and stop thinking about things too much. I wasn’t buying any of it.
The next morning I received a text from her saying that her step-father was drunk and being abusive with her and that she had decided to leave the area for good and would never come back. I sent a short reply wishing her all the best and she went absolutely crazy on me…… Obviously she was expecting sympathy but I wasn’t playing anymore.
I was really hurting inside more that you can imagine. I felt like I had been put through the mincer, but I wasn’t going to let this girl take any more of my soul with her. I blocked her on everything from Social Media to email. These first few days have been tough, but I’m getting through it and thanks to your site I have become empowered enough to realise that it wasn’t my fault and that I should not feel bad about myself.
Some of you will no doubt be thinking ‘serves him right’ for cheating, and that’s fair enough. I feel bad about what happened, but when someone is at their lowest and they’re given a glimpse of what seems like true happiness, it’s hard to resist.
I followed the Yellow Brick Road only to find that there was nothing there but tricks and
lies…..
Janos~
What a story and written so well!
A very SAD story but at the SAME time, with a happy ending, IMO!
She could have very well said that she decided to keep the baby and then somehow guilt you into supporting her and or the baby for who knows HOW long?
You must be a very strong person to have been able to stop her game dead in the tracks of never reaching the finish line!
Congrats to you!!
I was lucky in that she didn’t pursue me after I went No Contact, which gave me time to clear my head and regain my strength. If she has been there all the time over this last month then it could all have been very different. I had time to regroup before she returned…
She came looking for me this week. It was Monday and a few colleagues told me that she’d been in the office asking about me. I was walking to the car after work and she ‘just happened’ to be walking in the opposite direction. I felt sick but wanted to portray a strong facade. We chatted for a few minutes, and she told me that she’d been thinking about me and that it was really awkward meeting me ‘by chance’.
I told her that I didn’t feel awkward. That it was fine. That it was nice to see her, etc but I was in a rush so take care…
I received a text about ten minutes later from her new mobile number (I’d blocked the old one) saying that she hated me for all the lies I had told. Basically switching everything round on its head.
I firmly believe that she came back expecting me to be a wreck and the fact that I wasn’t really freaked her out. The anger in her text was undeniable.
I didn’t reply.
Two days later I received a text, supposedly from her mother, saying all sorts of nasty things. The sort of things a mother would never say. I was 99% sure that she had written it herself and that it was not her mum.
So now it’s been four days of silence from her and I’m waiting for her next move. I get stronger each day, but it’s still difficult…
Janus
Oh I feel for you. I was also discarded like a sack of potatoes out of the blue! After nearly 5 years together. First 2 were almost magic, next few were hell. I found him cheating online, lying constantly, even lied about his name the entire time!! I thibk he stayed because part of him felt bad! But we had holidays, marriage vows (to each other in private),together every day!!!
Then done!
Then i kept contacting him, he obviously thought I was nuts and blocked me. Its been 11 mths now since it ended. I think of him every day, these days I’m ok. Some days I’m very sad and hurt and angry at him or angry at my own stupidity.
I hope I never see himagain as o think it would hurt too much
Similar situation here…it’s been almost two years and I still feel as though I’m not ready for another relationship, and that’s just fine. However, I’ve finally reached the point where I no longer have any feelings for him whatsoever. Other than asking myself “what the hell was I doing with him for so long?!”, I’m doing quite well.
He’s ‘living the dream’ with a much younger woman (I was younger than his previous victim), but she looks more like his carer than partner. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not ageist, but a 30 year difference is quite noticeable, especially when he hasn’t aged well at all (he’s a functioning alcoholic and has never been what could be considered handsome).
One thing he does have is a well paying job, and she’s from a very poor background and country, so I think they’re quite equal when it comes to using one another…it all seems so unnatural and insincere, which was exactly my soulless experience of being his ‘partner’…never again, I’d rather be single for the rest of my life than settle for that nonsense.
I lived a (materially) comfortable life with him, and none of it made me happy. All the lies, deception, affairs (on and offline) with subsequent denials, gaslighting, repeated discards and returns, were all utterly exhausting and have taken both an emotional and physical toll on me, which is quite visible…but I refuse to be defeated by such an inhumane creature…I’m having my hair done tomorrow (like I used to), and I’m getting ready to move my life and home to somewhere where I can have a new start…frightening and exciting too 😀
I wish everyone here every success, it hurts in the beginning, of course it does, and it does get so much better for you, honest! I now see that people are either a ‘blessing’ or a ‘lesson’ (this perception also prevents me from falling into a cycle of blame)…it’s true, they give you one hell of a lesson, now onwards, and find the blessing you truly deserve (when you’re ready and in your own time, of course).
So, I am writing “my story” in a text document to copy and paste on here and am realizing it is like a book! Are there any rules on sharing one’s story? It seems much of it may not be directly relevant but I feel like to get an accurate feeling of my current situation, the whole history needs to be mentioned. I just can’t imagine anyone caring or wanting to actually read something so long, about….me. Maybe my low self esteem talking but I am starting to feel kind of dumb for writing so much snd going into so much detail…. Any thoughts?
I’m serious ya’ll….this would be like 10 typed pages on regular 8×10 sheets of paper. I don’t know how to edit it and I don’t want people to get bored with it and stop reading before I get to my current situation. I can’t believe my self esteem has come to this. I don’t even recognize myself writing right now…..
All our stories are like that. They all turn out to be very similar too. Write the main stuff and over time on being this, it will eventually all come out. There will be things you won’t remember until someone else mentions it.
I haven’t spoken to mine for over 1.5 years. This site helped me a lot. Just vent as much as you want. It takes time to heal. Mine ruined my confidence and, I believe now, I have made a unconscious decision to remain single because of it. It’s been almost 4 years since I found out about his other life. I don’t believe you fully recover.
To all of you who are feeling the same way, I want to share something with you that really helped me. It was one of those moments where I really ‘got it’ and it aided my recovery better than any therapy session could ever do…
It started off because I couldn’t sleep, which on its own was no strange thing. After all, I hadn’t been sleeping well for months. When it all started I couldn’t sleep because of the excitement of seeing her, then my insomnia was compounded because of her confusing behaviour, then because of her ‘pregnancy’, then because it was all over, then because of the anger and eventually it was the bitterness keeping me awake.
The thing that was keeping me awake the other night though was the lack of closure. Did I mean absolutely nothing to her? How could she just walk away without any sign of emotion? What was it all for? What the hell happened to me? What was going on?
Google has been my friend in researching this, but everything that I’ve read has indicated that it’s not possible to get any sort of closure from a sociopath, yet there I was at 2:00am, picking through the wreckage of the relationship, trying to find clues that would help me to come to terms with it all. I’m sure we’ve all done that which is how we find sites such as this one…
By 3:00 am I was no nearer to finding any answers. However, just as I was about to call it a night the light bulb in the office popped and left me in darkness. Bloody useless thing I thought! I managed to take it out in the dark, almost burning my hand in the process and then proceeded downstairs to get another one from the cupboard.
I found a new bulb after rummaging around for a few minutes and was about to throw the old one in the bin when the funny thing happened.
I suddenly didn’t want to throw it away and placed it gently on the counter top.
I leant back on the washing machine opposite for a few minutes and just stared at this old bulb.
I’d spent a long time looking for that bulb originally. Taking time to purchase the right wattage and being extra careful not to damage it on the way home. It felt great to switch it on and the room felt so much brighter with it in place, but after a while I just took it for granted and right now I was simply pissed off that it had burnt out and left me in the dark. I didn’t really care that it has served me well for so long, that it had been there for me at the flick of a switch. I didn’t care that it had drained itself for my own selfish needs and now I was about to chuck it in the bin without a second thought.
Did I feel any remorse for this bulb? Did I care what would happen to it in the future? Would I ever miss it? Would I think about it ever again? No, and a double light fitting would make sense for when one of them burns out, that’s for sure.
And there it was. Enlightenment…
To a sociopath, we individuals are just one bulb, usually one of many in a multiple fitting. The SP cannot live with a single bulb because the risk of it blowing and leaving them in the dark is too great. We are there to throw light onto their darkness until we are no longer needed. The more emotional light we give to the sociopath, the more they will drain us, until we either burn out or blow out. We are then cast aside for another bulb and our worth to them is nothing anymore. No point worrying about what we did wrong or how we could have shone any brighter. It will always end this way.
Asking a sociopath to feel compassion for us would be like asking me to feel compassion for this old light bulb. We were both just inanimate objects that no longer had any use that’s all. I understood.
I threw the bulb in the bin and went back to bed. Slept like a log.
One more thing that really stuck with me was watching the film Primal Fear with Ed Norton and Richard Gere where Norton is playing a character who is trying to get away with murder by pretending to be the schizophrenic Roy / Aaron.
When Gere realises that he’s been duped, his reaction was just like mine when I thought about how this girl had fooled me.
He asks: So there never… there never was a Roy?
And Roy replies: Jesus Christ, Marty. If that’s what you think, I am disappointed in you, I don’t mind telling you. There never was an Aaron…
That’s the point. We fall in love with the character played by a sociopath. It’s like falling in love with Princess Leia when the reality is Carrie Fisher…. We long for something that never actually existed. That’s the hard bit to come to terms with…
I think we all should name our abusers on these sites. It may save/help someone else. The sociopath who abused me is KULLEN HARRIS of Upper Marlboro, MD USA.
Yeah, not sure such a good idea.(?)
What JUST happened to ME YESterday was~I Googled his name and town and the 3rd Google search that came up was where I listed him on a psycho site.
datingpsychos.com to be exact.
I FREAKED that it came up as a 3rd search and I tried in a panic, to delete the post.
My BFF actually asked, “Who’s going to see that?” when I responded, “Anyone that wants to perhaps date him and check him out 1st like I did, that’s who!~DUH!”
Anyway, I WAS able to “update” the little scenario that I wrote about him to where it now just reads DELETED so as not to PROVE that it was me that posted it.
Unfortunately, his name, age and town IS still listed and shows the DATE he was listed on the site so ANYone, including HIM if he even has internet access or a brain on how to search himself, would be able to put that date on ME.
(Unless, of course, he was cheating on me sometime during the last 5.5 years which I HIGHly doubt as I really don’t know that anyone else could or would put up with him. LOL!!
ANYway, it absolutely freaks me out how EASY it was to POST the POST about the Psycho and that it is virtually impossible to remove it.
You CAN’T on your own and when asking to have THEM remove it, they state it could take up to 60 days!!!
That’s CRAZY as it’s a VERY incriminating site where you can actually say the name, phone number and address of someone and even put a picture of them on there.
I’m glad I was at LEAST able to take my POST off as 60 days could mean life or seriously HURTING life if exposed in such a way!!
Well I don’t have that problem…. I’m a badass chick and made him pay for all the shit he did to hurt me…. Not one time has he retaliated!!! They know who they can fuck with…. I’m not that chick!!!
Not sure that’s a good idea. Just throws oil on the flames. What do you think will happen when he finds out? Exposure is the one thing he fears, so now your exposing him…
I’m not saying that you should be afraid, but it keeps him in your life longer as he will try to get back at you for this. If you want to expose him then you need to ask ‘Why?’
If you’re doing it to get back at him, hurt him, destroy him, get revenge, etc then this is understandable…
But what about you? What benefit is there to you. You need to put this behind you and this will keep him in your life for years more.
Just be sure you’re doing this for the right reason Cindy 🙂
He’s not in my life now and I seriously doubt if he will ever try to come back!!! There are way easier victims out there… Trust me!!! I’ve gotten revenge… Because of me he’s lost 2 potential jobs, was forced to pay me double what he owed me, has been exposed to his wife, her family, friends and former co-workers!!! He hurt me a lot but I’m not your typical victim. I just feel people should be forewarned about these monsters!!! He has never nor will he retaliate because he worries about what I will do. He’s no threat to me and yes I’m moving on. Great things are happening for me almost weekly but I still struggle with the memories of the lies, deceit, tricks, the discard. It’s a process… I’m moving along.
Well I’m pleased for you in that case. I was just worried that you’d be drawn into a long battle with no chance to move on and recover. But good for you…
Cindy~
I have to say that I have done the exposing too.
(I didn’t want it to be on a Google search though) but I DID expose him.
To his sister, his brother and all 3 sons!
I made damn SURE they knew what he did and they beLIEVED me!
Maybe that’s why he left me.
He KNEW I knew and he KNEW I wouldn’t stay quiet.
It HAS scared me a few times I’d wake up in the morning going, “WTF did you just say and to WHO?” but, after a few hours that went by, I felt GOOD and VINDICATED.
For what he did to me, he deserves to be outted…I just have to think about what I say and for how long I want to feel the need to keep an eye out over my shoulder!!
Sure, he is now losing his LAST thing to lose (his house) and he will have NOTHING left as his kids have seen through him PRIOR to what I’ve said and the same with his family.
I guess I have to HOPE he is able to latch onto his next victim cause I don’t know what a NORmal person does when they have NOTHING much less a SOCIOPATH along with someone that’s on the side lines making SURE he has noBODY left.
I’d say in the PAST he could have easily found a new victim but now that he’s lost a front tooth, lost his place of employment and now his house soon, he may be a it of a harder sell.(?)
THEN what is what I have to keep asking myself………………..
To explain another point about mine and his sociopathic ways~
Although I stated that he is losing his house, it’s far from his.
His X got the house when they divorced in the late 90’s.
The day of the divorce, she called later that night and asked if HE wanted to buy it from her.
He asked his Dad and his DAD bought it from HIS X and HE was to pay his DAD back.
No more needs to be said other than the pay back never happened/happens with ANY Sociopath no matter what the relationship .
Around 2001, the SP needed a loan for a lift or so he said to his Dad, and basically manipulated his Dad into signing a paper saying that he paid for and owns the house so it would look better and help aid him in getting the loan that he never intended on applying for.
Now he is losing his house for non payment of back taxes with the 1 time option of selling it.
He has until February.
IF the house DOES sell, because of the manipulation of him having his Dad sign those papers in 2001, HE gets the money (minus, of course, the $28,000 he owes the IRS and the almost $11,000 in back taxes which, once those bills are paid and the house sells for asking price of $89,00, he’ll get a nice enough amount of money to last him probably a VERY short amount of time as he has no concept of money.)
The ONLY way this can be fought would be to have his Dad, who is now almost 92, take his son to court to prove he never really paid for the house.
The sister/brother asked why it couldn’t be HIM that would need to go to court to prove he DID pay and it’s because he doesn’t WANT to.
AND the siblings do NOT want to make their Dad go through the courts at his age so they will just let it be.
The only benefit I can see with the fact that he is a hoarder and has let the house go to Hell is that it won’t sell for that price or not at all but in the end, it really is no concern to me.
Other than the fact that I know the truth and I feel bad for the rest of his family that is involved.
As far as revenge goes, I DID make sure his siblings AND 3 sons KNEW why he left (cause I didn’t pay the back taxes FOR him) and I also let them know about the 2001 manipulation.
Of course, in hind sight, I WAS a bit fearful after I disclosed that but they WERE already aware of the fact.
I also knew about his track record with his past relationships and his family that made him the author of a yet unwritten best selling text book BOOK on Sociopaths but I guess I was the only one that did the research to officially name the cause of his actions.
I always need answers and that’s what made his runs, especially the LAST run, so hard as it was up to ME to figure out why.
Even though he straight up TOLD me, because I didn’t pay the back taxes, I STILL couldn’t understand how someone who I THOUGHT REALLY LOVED ME, could just up and disappear.
THAT’S the funny thing we ALL have in common.
THEY DON’T LOVE US NOW AND NEVER DID but it’s still incomprehensible to us!
They were/ARE…that good/BAD!!
Ok… So here it goes. I can’t imagine anyone actually reading all of this but I guess if anything it is good for me to at least get out. I will say that everyday I feel different. Always bad but somedays I am sad and some days I am livid. Full of rage. Neither is good but I would have hoped after 9 months, it would get better. It hasn’t. It’s changed but not better and not worse. I could probably write a novel on my story but will try to sum it up as short as I can.
I met my soc approximately 23 years ago. I was 19 or 20 years old. I was well into my partying days and hung out with a questionable crowd. I had already been through 2 rehabs and 1 or 2 institutions for depression…the point being…I am far from perfect and suffered from addiction and depression from an early age. I always picked losers or “bad boys” to go out with. So, my best friend at the time was really into this guy. I heard about him all the time. She was dating him even though he was married. We were both under the impression he was “separated.” ***RED FLAG***Anyways, I was introduced to him and from that moment, I was HOOKED. Little did I know what was in store for me over the next 2 decades. We were immediately attracted to one another. I shamefully admit that he and I started flirting and seeing each other behind my friends back. It could not be hidden for long and I did lose her friendship (for awhile anyways.) This guy was the poster child for the “hot bad boy.” He made no effort to hide his “craziness.” He almost seemed proud of it. He would speak jokingly and almost proudly of all the rehabs, institutions, prisons, jails, psychiatrists, and therapy he had went through his whole life. He partied hard and got into a lot of trouble.
This in itself became a high for me. It was always an adventure. We used dope, drank, ripped and roared, traveled across country, lived in our car….we were “Sid & Nancy,” or a “Bonnie & Clyde.” There were bouts, sometimes months at a time where he would disappear and I knew he was going back and forth with his wife. She even got pregnant at some point. I KNEW he did not love me the way I loved him. But I was always there when he called. I managed to always hold down some sort of job, usually had some income, a car, etc.. He always seemed to call when I was doing good and had acquired “stuff” back. It was like clockwork. And this is long before cell phones, Internet, social media, etc.. He would usually have to do some work to find me, but he always did. I knew I was a “second choice,” but I did not care. In some way I guess I hoped I would win him over. I would fix him. I would make him love me. I doted on every moment we shared. He knew it too. There was never any abuse…physical or verbal. We never even fought. I guess that was what was going on in his home with his wife. This went on 3-4 years. He introduced me to heroin. Happily. Wanted me to do it with him. It was my choice, but he knew what he was doing. After several DUI’s, a pretty bad drug addiction, and coming to a bottom in which there was nowhere left for us to go except our separate ways. He was not going to leave his wife. He always said he stayed for the kids. I wasn’t that naive. When we parted ways, I was pretty sure I would never see this guy again. It killed me. It broke my heart terribly. I didn’t know how I was going to make it.
I ended up moving from Dallas to Sacramento. My dad lived there and had been in recovery from alcoholism himself for many years. He agreed to help me out if I came there. I really had no choice. I lost everything…including all rights & custody of my own child. (I had her before I met my soc.) So, I moved 1200 miles to make a new start. I went to treatment and truly learned a new way of life. For the first time in my life, I was happy. I was content in my own skin. I had a ton of friends, a great job, I helped other girls get clean, I had my own place and was healthy. I learned to love myself. After about a year, guess who calls. Not sure how he found me but he did and this part is all very fuzzy. He ended up on my doorstep soon after. I guess I was thinking it was a friendly visit. I was not overly excited. I actually didn’t even care to see him but he showed up. Upon seeing him….I was totally disgusted. I had changed so much, what was once so appealing and attractive to me, was SO not. I couldn’t believe I was ever even in love with him. Needless to say, I was cordial. He obviously could tell. I ended up taking him to the bus station days later. That was that. I was glad he was gone.
Unfortunately, over the next 5-7 years, I struggled. I was on and off the wagon. I would get a few years of sobriety and then screw up and relapse. But I always managed to get back up on my feet again. I went through a 6 year relationship with someone else…who I loved. It was a pretty normal relationship compared to the one with the ex. ( I will call him T.) It was still a relationship in which I loved him more than he loved me. Not to say he didn’t love me, but I think it’s safe to say in every relationship, it seems it always weight heavier on one side or the other. So, I guess I am still picking men who are not fully emotionally available or ones I can “fix.” After this break-up and a pretty bad relapse…guess who I hear from again. Out of the blue. T calls and says he just served 3 years in prison and I am the only person he could think about the whole time. I was weak and vulnerable. I told him to come to California to see me. I told him I was trying to stay clean though and did not want to get on hard stuff again. He agreed…. ( I swear this is getting to the topic at hand. I just didn’t know how to start without giving the history too.) He was at my place within the week. I think I still kept him at a distance and didn’t fully allow myself to get attached due to the previous pain. But within a few days, we were both strung out again. This time was different. At first, it was about how he realized I was the one he loved…I was the one he was supposed to be with. I felt like the tables had turned. That I had the power this time. But drugs got in the way. He began to make accusations of me flirting and hooking up with other guys. He began to lie to me….steal from me to feed his addiction, and slowly started to turn people against me. I was soon fired from my job and evicted from my apartment. He had become close with my landlord, helping her with remodels and repairs. He ended up staying in MY APARTMENT! He made innuendoes and hints that he could take me out or have me disappear if he chose. I did not know this man. Once again, I lost everything, hit a bottom, and had to have my dad come rescue me again. I was heartbroken again. But I chalked it all up to the drugs.
I once again, went to treatment and slowly put back the pieces to my life again. It took a bit longer this time but I managed to get back on track. (I will try to wrap this up and get to my current issue.) After 4 years, I had obtained my dream job. I had begun to establish a relationship with my daughter after being completely estranged for 7 years. I found happiness again. I never even thought about T. I turned my life over to Christ and was spiritually fulfilled. I was working as a stylist/merchandising manager doing the art & window displays for a very large and popular corporation which I won’t mention but is known for it’s “hipster” culture and upbeat atmosphere. Right off the beach in Santa Barbara. I LOVED it. I eventually wanted to get back to Dallas to really work on my relationship with my daughter, who had just turned 18 and was now able to see & talk to me as she pleased. The company wanted to open a store in Fort Worth and they loved me so much, they wanted me to go open it and run it! It was God! It was meant to be. Everything was fitting right into place. I could see God at work. I jumped on it and moved back to Texas. I found an amazing church and enjoyed my new store. Things with my daughter were going a little slower than I hoped as she was in college and in love. I couldn’t expect to jump in and be instant mom all of a sudden. I couldn’t find a good 12 step group that I really liked or fit into either. I slowly started to feel the depression come on. Long story short (not really) I had some health issues (probably self induced,) started using again and lost my job. I admit I tried to look up T on social media to see what he was up to if he was still alive….no luck. I fall back into drugs. Within weeks, I get a message on FB from, guess who? He too is trying to get clean but can’t. He just got out of a serious relationship (so I was told,) and was living 4 hours south in Galveston. After a few months of talking on the phone, both of us pretty depressed….he decides to come visit me. His mom happens to live 20 minutes away from me. He moves back. I am again not attracted to him. he does not give up. After battling Hep C (and clearing it,) a felony possession, losing my dream job, and going through treatment for depression and suicidal thoughts, I am trying to once again crawl my way back out of my hole. I start doing good again. I start school to become an Esthetician. Im off dope. I make it clear to him that I can not be with him until he gets clean.
By now he has professed his undying love to me. He has always loved me. I have always been the one. He will do anything. He goes to treatment, gets out and does everything you can think of to win me over. He even started going to a therapist and wrote a list/contract of all he wanted in a relationship and in a woman (ironically it was everything I wanted too.) I see a big change in him. Reluctantly, I go out on a “real date” with him. He has always been an atheist yet he starts to show an interest in my faith. He says he is drawn to my spirituality and want what I have. He tells me deep things. Things about himself, his life, his past…things he says he has never told anyone. He makes me think I am special. Now….rewind a bit….( I recently read that a sociopath will often, in the beginning, be honest about himself to make you feel sorry for him, to make themselves appear vulnerable,) he admits to being broken, and bringing people down, hurting loved ones, saying everyone leaves him in the end. This did exactly what it was supposed to do. It made him appear humble and honest. It made me feel like I was the one that he wanted to break those patterns with. I would be the one that would never abandoned him. He said I was his soulmate. He wanted me to be his wife and to spend the rest of his days with me. He said he could not live one day on this earth without me. I was his reason for living. I made him want to change and be a better man. A Godly man. He started going to church with me. Praying & meditating with me in the mornings. We went to a couples therapist to make sure we did things right. He learned to communicate with me. In healthy ways. He would realize when he would make a mistake and talk through it. He would buy me cards and write me love notes everyday and leave them all over the house. We spent hours at the pool talking about life, love, God, our beliefs, our future. IT WAS PERFECT. He said he had never been happier in his whole life.
Now, we each had only 2 requirements we expected from each other. We promised we would never leave the other one unless one of two things occurred. His requirements of me were to never be unfaithful and to never use heroin again. If I were to do either, he would be gone. Totally reasonable and understandable. Mine were that he never be unfaithful to me AND to never use drugs and LIE to me about it. I knew who we were and that both of us had slips sometimes….but as long as he told me about it, it could be worked through and we could work through it. He agreed. Those were the rules. Now early on…a few things happened that I should have took more seriously but I was already in too deep and was pretty blind to many things. He did use speed one night and told me he didn’t. I could tell he had but he swore he didn’t. The next day, we were at the persons house he was with the previous night, and that person started talking about them doing speed together that night. Busted. I was LIVID. I told him I was done. He already broke his promise. He cried. He begged. He swore. He talked his way into another chance. I had also found out during his stay in treatment, when professing his love to me, he was also calling his ex that he had just broken up with months prior. He told me he was just lonely and wasn’t sure I was going to accept him or want him. So, he said he called her a few times but ended it. I found out by him getting text messages from her referring to it. Keep in mind, he told me he broke up with her. She was too young and he fell out of love with her. The way she wrote to him, looking back, I can tell that is not how it ended. Did I mention the girl before her, who he was engaged to, died while with him? Was told it was an accidental overdose but that is another story. Anyways, he let me talk to his texting ex and I told her he was now with me and to never call or text him again. She continued to but, he told me overtime and would show me. He never responded back (then.) So, our “perfect” and wonderful and healthy and passionate relationship continued on. He was so supportive of me going to school and building my relationship with my daughter. It was great. We spent every minute together and knew everything about the other. There was no life outside of “us.” No other friends. No TV. No cell phones, Facebook, texting, etc….Only music, talking, church, and making love. Which he also supported me with as I struggled with the whole sex before marriage thing but he insisted in his eyes and God’s, I was his wife. I got over it.
Now, there were certain things that we had to do apart. I had school, he had to visit his kids, etc…this slowly started to cause him to question me. The small remarks, innuendoes, and hints of suspicion begun. I was always sure to assure him he had nothing to worry about. He always had full knowledge and access to my phone, computer, accounts, passwords, and location. He always, up until the end refused to ever utilize them though. Said he didn’t want to be a “snoop” or a “policeman.” But would still accuse me even though I could prove him wrong. It’s like he knew he wouldn’t find anything if he really looked. He wanted to blame me. We were also drinking occasionally at this point. But it was just “fun drinking” at this time. And then a day came in which changed everything. St least I thought it was what changed everything. It was what I could blame everything on before I found out what he really was……one day while paying for something at the store, going through my wallet, I found a little baggie full of white powder. I freaked out. I don’t know how I had it or where I got it or how long it had been in there. I did not even like speed. Never did. I freaked out and showed him and told him immediately. We went home and talked about it. To flush it or do it? He convinced me he never had a problem with meth and he could take it or leave it. He said we could try it and use it as a fun treat involving sex. We could just have one fun weekend and never do it again.
This is when our perfect relationship began to do a 180. I liked it…but only for sex purposes and never would want to do for more than 2-3 days at a time. Binge using. I admit we had some AMAZING, passion filled weekends. But we began to do more and more often. Immediately his hints and innuendos turned into straight blaming, accusing, and verbal abuse. Some of his accusations were so over the top, I would be in shock. He began to talk so rudely and hateful to me. At first, he would apologize and recognize this craziness but after awhile, it became daily. And there would be no apologizing anymore. We quit going to church and our therapist fired us. I was soon finding missing dope from our stash, see extra calls to dealers, etc… I could tell when he was high and it was pretty much daily. I would call him out and word war 3 would erupt. And I mean BAD. It would get worse with each time, which became daily. He would say “the accuser is always the guilty one!” I didn’t realize what this even meant until I saw it to be exactly true. Getting in each others face would turn to spitting, which turned into shoves, which eventually turned into blows. But this made the making up so much better and the good times that much better. I knew it was only the drugs. For my birthday, he took me to see one of our favorite bands. He somehow worked his charm….I used to tease him and say he had magic pixie dust he used on people. (Little did I know,) and pulled off something great…to keep me reeled in. Before the encore…the lead singer was talking to the crowd and said…”Is there a “T” (his name) out there somewhere?” And T walked right up on stage in front of thousands and said there was a girl who saved his life and he loved her with all his heart….he turned to me in the crowd, said “her name is Michelle, and baby would you marry me?” HOLY SH*#!!!! I was amazed. Dumbstruck. So in love. Of course I said yes. The crowd cheered and they played “our song.” He got us a 5 star hotel room overlooking the Dallas skylight that night. He also hit me and cussed me out upon arriving there.
I was now having to do weekly drug tests so I quit sing the speed and turned to booze. Heavily. He kept using. Kept denying. One thing I loved so much about him in the beginning was he made me feel so safe. I never in a million years thought he would lay a hand on me. And here we were, killing each other. He would always make me think I was the first to start it because I was drunk…..but I know I would never do such a thing. I had never been hit by a man. I never saw myself as the “victim type.” And he swore he had never hit another woman before me!!! What a coincidence. He also said he never cheated on a girl either…I had to remind him of him being with me while married. He said, except that. Then I had to remind him of my then best friend when he was married. He said, “except that time too.” So….it is just me that causes his destructive behavior.
This went on daily for months. The good was so good but the bad was so bad. In my head, I just knew it was the meth. That is what changed everything. This was not really who he was. He was perfect before it! I would beg for us to go back to church, to find another therapist, to get clean & sober again. He would agree and would never follow up. He has also told me if I EVER called the police on him, it would be the end of us and possibly my life. It was in his “contract” he made in therapy. Well, no physical abuse and lying was also in there. When I signed the contract, I never in a million years thought I would ever have a need or reason to call the police! So, there was once or twice where I truly feared for my life and called. I would try and tell him I didn’t…that it had to have been a neighbor but the cops would come and always throw me under the bus, which would lead to a worse fight/beating later. I would always have to deny it and tell the cops everything was fine if I wanted to live another day. My tolerance level of what I would take or accept didn’t even exist anymore. I accepted things just to avoid the fighting. Our doctor once gave him a UA and it showed positive for every drug on it. The doctor fired him. He literally tried to tell me the test was wrong and I must have told the doctor he was using in order to try and get him to stop! Then once after I accused him of being high…he started the biggest fight yet, denying it. Calling me words and names I have never heard anyone say. Degrading, horrible, cruel things…bringing up my past, painful experiences I had, throwing things in my face, saying I was the guilty one. Swearing he was clean. I made him take a UA from the store. He did it and threw it in my face and told me I would be crawling back to him begging for an apology when I saw I was wrong. It showed positive as well. When I told him….he said sorry and acted like nothing ever happened. Made up some BS story about a tiny bit a friend pulled put, blah, blah, blah……
The insanity only escalated. I would lock him out, he would break windows. He would leave for a night or two and I would beg him to come back. If I could only get him to stop using and see that it was the meth that was causing all this. That he was a good person and I loved him. I tried to convince him of this to no avail. I knew he had a bad drug problem but never in a million years thought he would ever cheat on me. One day, I started getting texts from some girl saying that T loved her and that he was talking to her and seeing her without my knowledge. Saying I was trash and needed to leave him alone!!!! He told me he did not know who it was and said it was probably just his jealous ex trying to stir up shit and cause problems. He swore he wasn’t talking to anyone. I believed him. Soon after…he was trying to think of ways to stop the crazy text girl and came up with a story that blew me away!!!! He told me that we could frame her or blackmail her. He said he had nabbed one of her vials of blood when she was having blood work done on time at the hospital!!! He truly thought the idea sounded good! This is when I started to actually fear him and see what he was capable of. I soon started to protect myself by saving emails, texts, and voicemails of his threats and abuse. I photoed all my injuries. I would secretly audio record fights. I saved all this on an external hard drive hidden away. I never wanted to get him in trouble. I only wanted it to protect myself in case something ever happened to me! I also started to go through his phone and Internet history. I began to find the trails….the beginnings…or what I thought were the beginnings….who knows how long it had been happening….maybe it always was….of what was Internet porn, dating sites, chats, etc…. I confronted him. He explained his way out of it all. Deep inside I knew the truth though. I became the paranoid, cheating, lying, snoop that was causing the destruction of our relationship. I no longer had any friends. All our friends, actually really his friends, all loved him and he began telling them all I was crazy and cheating. I was no longer allowed to talk to any of them including his family. His family who once saw me as this sweet, clean, Christian, who came into their sons life, changed him, and was such a good influence on him, now saw me as a lying, unfaithful bitch who was agin using heroin. They all believed him.
Now I am no saint and I admit my part. I would drink and get vocal and needy and pathetic. But I was never unfaithful and I never used dope again. I kept my 2 promises. Over the next few months, which would be our last months…he picked an assault charge (one of the times I called the cops even though I did not press charges, the state of Texas did) and a possession charge. Because of his record, they are charging him with a felony and he is looking at 2 years prison time. His trial is on the 22nd of this month. I had done a few things drunk, trying to make him jealous, by calling ex boyfriends or telling him I did when I really didn’t. It was never anything real or inappropriate. Of course not knowing the repercussions of this, I only did to try and win him back. Stupid I know. This only gave him fuel to blow up my world. It fueled his accusations of my cheating. It gave him an excuse to sleep with other women. He even ended up blackmailing me for money at one point…saying he would tell my family, my daughter, and my probation officer everything and about my drinking and past using if I did not give him money. He even gave me a day and time to hand it over!!! I found out he staged pictures and found old texts and put them all together to send out to everyone. I gave in. I gave him some money, which I didn’t have much of at all. My dad was supporting me (under the impression I was single, sober, & going to school.) So, he could have destroyed any chance of my future with my daughter as well as my livelihood at the time. He later said he never would have followed through. BS.
My lease was up on my apartment and if they weren’t already going to evict me, as they had threatened before, I knew I had to do something. I knew I had to get sober or I would end up in prison or dead. I thought the threat of me leaving, moving back to California, and getting sober would scare him straight and would force him to change. After all this was not him. It was the dope!!! I started the process of getting my probation transferred from Texas to California, thinking it would take months. In 3 days, I was told it was done. I had 4 weeks to get to California. I was still stupid enough to think he could change. That he would change. Now, I can see this is where he totally cut me out of his brain.I had found searches for prostitutes, emails & texts with exes and other women, dating & cheating web sites, hotel and sex shop receipts, and on and on. He still denied everything!!! I even walked in on him doing dope and he still denied it!!! Told me I was crazy, paranoid, and hallucinating! I began to seriously question my own sanity. Was I? Could my head really be only seeing what I was fearing most? No. I knew I was not that crazy. I changed my tactic.
I decided that I would give him the opportunity to come clean with everything. If he told me the truth about everything, I would forgive him. I would stay. We could start over again. But I knew we could never get back to good again if he kept lying and trust could never be formed again until he got honest. He never did. He still lied and denied. By now, I had told my dad and daughter everything. My dad drove to Texas, just having surgery himself, and getting older and tired of rescuing me….he came once again to rescue me. I have never seen him so mad at me. So disappointed. But it was nothing compared to how I felt about myself. And yes, I was still sleeping with T. I did not even recognize myself anymore. What had I become. I once had the world at my fingertips. I had looks, the perfect career, high self esteem, a good education, a nice home, a heart full of faith and God. I now had none of it. I left. I went back to California. I went back a few times over the next 2 months to tie up lose ends etc…still trying to get him to change, to get honest. Still sleeping with him. Finding out more and more he was doing and had been doing. Much more than I knew or ever thought. He had already found a new girlfriend. My drinking was at an all time high. Drinking 3 to 4 pints of 90 proof schnapps just to make it till noon. This caused me to act out worse and more desperately. Begging him, becoming so needy….even offering to accept him as he was!!!! One day he would be in and then I would not hear from him for weeks. In my mind I had 2 options. I either had to get sober and try to pick up the pieces, and attempt to salvage what was left of my life….or take a dirt nap. Suicide was a real thought and option. I knew I had experienced happiness before in sobriety and working a 12 step program. I knew it was possible, so….I chose that 5 months ago.
I tried a couple half ass attempts at suicide, I filled up an entire journal of letters to him…knowing if I could just get him away from the drugs, he would understand. He would see the truth and how things really happened. That I was not crazy. It included photos, cards, past memories, proof of all his lies and infidelities. It included pages and pages of my feelings and thoughts.I knew he would not be reading it until he ended up in prison or ended up going into treatment. But I kept it, It was my only saving grace. The only way I had of expressing myself really. I have been on a roller coaster of emotions since getting sober again. It has been so much harder this time. I can’t seem to move on. I go through the motions of life but never quite get past that. He occupies my thoughts 90% of the time. I can’t get a real job because of my felony so I am working at some little shop, part time, making barely above minimum wage. I live an hour and a half away from civilization…any people I know or AA meetings. I barely have cell service. But I do all I know how to do, no matter how bad I don’t want to. I wake up, pray, go to work, write, try to sleep, and eat. Go to 2 meetings a week as that is all I can afford to get to, as they are so far away. I do service work at them. I work steps. I smile. I pray. I cry. I write. I watch my old pastor on my computer. For awhile, I started to see a glimmer of hope. I started to feel a TINY bit better. And then guess what? Yep. The phone rings.
Ok….I just realized how long this is. I don’t even know if the site will allow these many characters in one post. I can’t imagine anyone is even still reading this. I haven’t even gotten to the important part yet. The finding out of his diagnosis. The present.OMG…I have to go to the doctor right now….due to stress and the way I treated my body, I am going through many physical problems. 2 being chronic and no cure for. My hair is all falling out…anyways….I guess I will continue when I get back. If I have not been banned from the site. So sorry it is so so long. If “positivagirl” needs to edit it, that’s totally fine. I just couldn’t stop once I started….
Forgive me for asking the following question but~
Where in this do you find any of his behavior sociopathic?
It read to me, and yes, I did read it all as it was written with a very easy to read format, as though your entire relationship was drug and alcohol induced.
Maybe that’s where the story will be continued as to state why you think he may be a sociopath. (?)
I DO applaud you for all of your rock bottoms, you sure did fight a great fight to get back up and even better than before.
Maybe you need to keep reading your own story now that you have written it so well, so you can SEE how good you do good and how bad you do bad!
I’m hoping for YOU, you’re moving full bore ahead into great again!!!
Maybe part 2 will clarify. I just posted it. I now see he has been doing this since I met him 23 years ago. Sober or not. The exact same patterns. The obvious constant lies. The blaming me for everything. The controlling. The manipulation. The ease of him moving from victim to victim, doing the exact same thing in every single relationship. Shutting me off from all my friends and the outside world. Telling everyone I am the crazy one. The verbal and physical abuse. My off and on addiction has never caused relationship issues, much less the insanity like this one. The obsession and possession. The cheating. The not caring about how bad he hurt me. Treating me like dirt….maybe I need to reread what I wrote. I can’t imagine how it can not be seen. I think I went too much into the addiction part. All of his behaviors were consistent whether clean or not. I just didn’t know about them before.
Now I am doubting my own sanity. Am I wrong? Is he not? Omg. Any other opinions out there???
Doubting your own sanity is also part of the healing process. It just takes one day at a time. I promise that it does get better.
I just reread all I wrote. He fits every single criteria needed for the sociopath diagnosis. You only need 3 but he meets all 7 criteria on the DSM 5 chart. And also meets all 6 criteria on the ICD 10 chart. Maybe I should have wrote more about his upbringing and issues and problems…..
The APA’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fourth edition, text revision (DSM IV-TR), defines antisocial personality disorder (Cluster B):[19]
A) A pervasive pattern of disregard for and violation of the rights of others, occurring since age 15 years, as indicated by three or more of the following:
1. Failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest.
2. Deception, as indicated by repeatedly lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure.
3. Impulsivity or failure to plan ahead.
4. Irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults;
5. Reckless disregard for safety of self or others.
6. Consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations.
7. Lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another.
B) The individual is at least age 18 years.
C) There is evidence of conduct disorder with onset before age 15 years.
D) The occurrence of antisocial behavior is not exclusively during the course of schizophrenia or a manic episode.
The WHO’s International Statistical Classification of Diseases and Related Health Problems, tenth edition (ICD-10), has a diagnosis called dissocial personality disorder (F60.2):[20][21]
It is characterized by at least 3 of the following:
1. Callous unconcern for the feelings of others;
2. Gross and persistent attitude of irresponsibility and disregard for social norms, rules, and obligations;
3. Incapacity to maintain enduring relationships, though having no difficulty in establishing them;
4. Very low tolerance to frustration and a low threshold for discharge of aggression, including violence;
5. Incapacity to experience guilt or to profit from experience, particularly punishment;
6. Marked readiness to blame others or to offer plausible rationalizations for the behavior that has brought the person into conflict with society.
The ICD states that this diagnosis includes “amoral, antisocial, asocial, psychopathic, and sociopathic personality”. Although the disorder is not synonymous with conduct disorder, presence of conduct disorder during childhood or adolescence may further support the diagnosis of dissocial personality disorder. There may also be persistent irritability as an associated feature.[21][22]
It is a requirement of the ICD-10 that a diagnosis of any specific personality disorder also satisfies a set of general personality disorder criteria.[21]
Hey michelle. I think what you are feeling right now is normal.
Positivagirl…. Do you see or not see sociopathic behavior?
@michelle. At the beginning of the story I did wonder if he was a sociopath. I think there were subtle clues but it seems that it was mainly when he asked you to marry him that his sociopath tendencys really showed. Perhaps thought that now you ere his, he could treat you like that. Maybe the drugs disguised his sociopath behaviour.
I hope that you stay clean and that this doesn’t make you start using again. Please know that you have support on here too.
Thank you for reading & responding. I would like to ask a question….can anyone tell me what it is that he “is not” exhibiting or showing that would make one think he may not be a sociopath? I don’t understand.
I know that in general either way he has not been good for me and has brought me down. But it matters a great deal to me if he is truly capable of change. Maybe he would maybe he wouldn’t. But I would sure like to know and feel it necessary to know if his love was real or not.
I haven’t read the most recent posts but will do so after I rite mine.
Figure I may as well jump on the band wagon while it’s still fresh.
I met “mine” on an online dating site.
It didn’t take long to know something was off right from the start.
His name was spelled different.
He listed he was 10 years younger than he really was.
He listed a town NEXT to the town he is from.
Those were all #1 red flags.
The #2 red flag happened 2 months into my roller coaster in Hell when he fell asleep while we were making love.
I told him it hurt and when he left the room, I waited about a half an hour to go tell him “it was ok” but, he was GONE!
That was an odd way to handle the situation.
What’s worse is….I spent the entire next day trying to find hi,
I knew the county, about 45 minutes from my house, but that was about it.
Many hours later (yes, how pathetic was I) I found where he worked and we reconnected (not by him apologizing~more like ME apologizing for being “hurt”) and on we went.
The next 3 years are all just “typical Sociopath Behavior.”
We fought, rather he’d RAGE, about every other week and we’d get back together every other week.
No explaining needed to be done on his part cause HEY, he was the answer to my prayers and I DID pathetically, treat him as a God Given Gift.
(It makes me CRINGE typing that!!)
In the course of that 3 years, he borrowed and owed me money to the tune of about $5,000.
Once, he gave me a check for $1,200 and I told him I’d wait awhile to cash it.
When I did about 3 weeks later, he RAGED!
Trying to get that money back was fruitless as he forgot ALL the dates and amounts I recorded so every time I’d bring it up, he’d RAGE!
In June of 2013, I totaled my car (thank goodness(?) and he gave me his which of course, he said was worth WAY more than $5,000 when in reality, it was about $2,000 but because I NEEDED a car at that time and it was a good looking car, it WAS worth $5,000 to me for the time I needed it.
SO many other things happened in that 3 years that I could list but they are SO TEXT-BOOK it mkes me CRINGE!
Especially because I had him pegged for a Sociopath about a year into our 5.5 years together but it did NOT MATTER TO ME!
When things were GOOD, they were GREAT!
I told him I knew he was one and his reply was, “Well then, what does that make YOU?” and so I switched the Google searched from HIS Sociopathic ways to MY CO DEPENDENCY!
Again~I didn’t CARE if we were what we were.
Again, when things were GOOD, they were GREAT!
I never had such good times doing things and going out and the talks we had were so meaningful and the sex was to die for!!
He was my Soul-Mate.
He moved in with me in Aprip of 2014 and he lived for FREE until HE left in June of 2016.
In those 2 years, I could count on one hand, the RAGES and SILENT TREATMENTS.
I SWORE, I WAS the Sociopath Whisperer!!!
Even when my GUT was telling me things, my BFF would logically say how he was there for my brother’s suicide, my Mom’s cancer and death of pancreatic cancer, my bouts with bad driving that COULD have landed me in PRISON….SO MANY THINGS he was THERE for so how could I possibly CARE that he didn’t pay anything to live with me or even have him TRY to get a job.
When I left my X, I was so alone, I wanted to invent a RENT-A-FRIEND service so I cold get out and DO things.
Well, that’s what he ended up being.
He was my Chef, my Chauffeur, my Therapist, my Shoulder, my Confidant, my House Cleaner and Sex man.
Allowing him to live here for FREE meant to me I WAS paying for HIM to BE those things and I’d reason that I’d be paying those bills with or without him and I’d take WITH HIM over withOUT ANY day!
In the end, we went from having sex (I’d call it making LOVE but I know that’s NOT what it was to him) :(, everyday/every OTHER day to WEEKS and then MONTHS without.
I’d talk to him about it and we’d BOTH be in agreeance that times were just “stressful” and we’ll get it all back when things WEREN’T so “stressful.
We had sex in March on my B-Day and then again 2 months later and then not at all when I brought something up to make him RUN.
I told him, “I’m not sure about YOUR 1st marriage but MINE was text-book to what is happening with us. Hit the 5 year mark (for us that was January 2016) the fucking stops, the touching stops, the doing talking stops and then th doing things together stops. The only problem with US is that the next move would be someone leaving and sadl, MY name is on the lease.”
I was crying because this was something I thought we’d WORK on.
I NEVER saw him packing for 5 hours and actually LEAVING as an OPTION!
Especially because he’s losing his house because of unpaid back taxes.
(He lost his business because he failed to pay he rent, a year earlier and we got through that.)
I couldn’t believe he was leaving a FREE roof to a roof that he had to sell.
(It’s a 1 time deal that he can sell it and if it’s not sold by February 2017, it will be foreclosed.)
2 days after he left, I went to his house as he of course, didn’t answer or take calls or texts and I hugged him and told him I wanted him to come home.
He said, “Really?” and I knew he’d be coming back with me that night.
We went out to eat and I was under the impression that all he needed to do was clean his house for the realtor to take pictures so I took the plunge and offered to pay the back taxes.
When we came back, I asked to see int he house and I freaked.
He didn’t even START picking it up (he’s a HOARDER-BIG time) and I knew he was putting no effort into getting it ready and that I was his ticket not to have to.
He knew for a LONG time he needed to pay the back taxes and he never even TRIED to sell anything or make any payments with his odds and ends jobs.
He DID come back with me that night and slept FINE while I was up ALL NIGHT knowing I’d have to retract that offer in the morning.
When I DID, all he said was OK.
I left for work and hour later and we kissed good-bye and HE said I love you FIRST.
I KNEW in my GUT he’d be gone when I got home.
I waited 8 days and went and tried it again.
Drove to his house and asked him to come “home” and asked what I could do to help him get the house ready but this time he RAGED at me!
“HELP ME!? HOW WOULD YOU DO THAT? YOU OFFERED ME MONEY AND FLIP-FLOPPED AND SAID NO! WE’RE DONE. I’M TIRED OF OWING PEOPLE MONEY AND HAVING PEOPLE MAKE FUN OF ME. I NEED TO DO THINGS DIFFERENT AND THAT MEAN WITHOUT YOU!!”
I left SPEECHLESS.
It’s been 7 weeks and I have lost 10 pounds.
I’m 5’4″ and 90 pounds SOAKING WET!
(I’m slowly getting my appetite back and forcing myself to eat and have gained 3 pounds so far.)
He sends me a text here and there RAGING at me but wanting the 9 garbage bags of clothes he left here.
Maybe I’ll offer to meet him at a Police Station for the exchange~I’m not sure as I haven’t thought too much about it.
I’m VERY proud that I have FINALLY did the NC unlike the 384 other times he left me! 🙂
He lost a front tooth a few months back, he lost his place of business a year ago and he’s losing his house.
I know there is a GOD that made HIM leave ME as I would have NEVER been able to kick an unemployed homeless toothless man out and I’d have been STUCK with him the rest of my/his LIFE!
Of course I battled with myself wondering if I’d rather do THAT and have what I THOUGHT was my best friend back but that was too low for even ME to go.
I am reading everyone else’s storys and that has helped me GREATLY with my decision.
I follow a few blogs but this one HAS been my Savior for SURE!!
I can’t thank you enough for creating this site because without it, I’m not sure I could continue NC!
GayeLynn
♥♥♥
PS~I’d apologize for the length of my post but I pick the longest of all posts to devour every word of.
I’m glad everyone gets so into detail here because that’s, to ME anyway, the best therapy we have at this time!!!
Thanks AGAIN to EVERYONE!!!
@GayeLynn I just read your story now while sitting at the bus with tears in my eyes. I don’t know exactly what to say but wow – you are strong and YOU deserve to live your life for YOU – NOT for him. I really believe in you, I will use a lot of my good energy today sending my best wishes of a healthy, free and loving life for you as you are continuing the great work you have already done. I will use this good energy I have now to send good vibes and energy to every single one on this page. Wonderful, caring, strong, loving human beings. It gives me goosebumps thinking about how much a person is able to do for love, to think about and see the people on this page – It makes me believe that someone could actually care about me as well one day when I am ready after being alone a while, for real, not as a game, not because I have “this or that”, not in some controlling sick way – But for real, for the person I am. It gives hope. I almost loat all my faith in love, but I will never because I will not let evil win. There are good people in this world and good things are happening around us every day. We have to choose good over evil. We have to choose happiness over pain. We have to choose to face our biggest inner fears if we want to let go and life the life we are suppose to live. It’s hard, so hard, but I believe it is worth it in the end. Stay strong!
THANK you LJ!
I agree, there are a lot of kind people out there as this site proves.
We just need to be more selective and allow only people like us into our lives that can appreciate the good we have (and THEY have) to offer!!
It saddens me that there are such evil people that prey on nice people and I guess we need to try to learn a lesson from THEM.(?)
WHAT exactly that lesson IS, I don’t quite yet know.
I guess we need to NOT believe there’s good in everyone and to be a lot less trusting.
It’s NOT a trait we’d want to take on as it sounds like a MEAN trait but to protect ourselves, we have to look at it in a different way. (?)
SOoOoooo…..How far have you gotten to deleting/defriending/defollowing the social media sites. 😉
I have to admit, I have NOT done that with mine yet.
Oh no I DIDn’t! haha!!
Pretty much, I am convincing myself of, is that he doesn’t readily have internet access so I’m really NOT following/stalking him.
But at the SAME time, I am, aren’t I?
Waiting for the day he DOES post SOMEthing.
I’m proud of me for that I have NOT bashed him on Face Book as he has a lot of people that are my friends also and I COULD have posted things but why?
To make ME feel/look better or make HIM feel/look worse which both really make NO sense to me.
I WILL always “love” him for the good times and maybe even for the bad as hopefully, I have learned a lesson or 10 for future references.
I mean really, I can hardly “hate” a person that I “pity” so much!!
What must it FEEL like to not really FEEL?
At times, I almost envy that about them.
But MOST times, I DON’T!!
Thanks for the positive vibes you are sending!!
♥♥♥
SHOOT!~
I posted this aBOVE in the wrong place.
Maybe the 1st one can be deleted?
************************************************************************
To explain another point about mine and his sociopathic ways~
Although I stated that he is losing his house, it’s far from his.
His X got the house when they divorced in the late 90’s.
The day of the divorce, she called later that night and asked if HE wanted to buy it from her.
He asked his Dad and his DAD bought it from HIS X and HE was to pay his DAD back.
No more needs to be said other than the pay back never happened/happens with ANY Sociopath no matter what the relationship .
Around 2001, the SP needed a loan for a lift or so he said to his Dad, and basically manipulated his Dad into signing a paper saying that he paid for and owns the house so it would look better and help aid him in getting the loan that he never intended on applying for.
Now he is losing his house for non payment of back taxes with the 1 time option of selling it.
He has until February.
IF the house DOES sell, because of the manipulation of him having his Dad sign those papers in 2001, HE gets the money (minus, of course, the $28,000 he owes the IRS and the almost $11,000 in back taxes which, once those bills are paid and the house sells for asking price of $89,00, he’ll get a nice enough amount of money to last him probably a VERY short amount of time as he has no concept of money.)
The ONLY way this can be fought would be to have his Dad, who is now almost 92, take his son to court to prove he never really paid for the house.
The sister/brother asked why it couldn’t be HIM that would need to go to court to prove he DID pay and it’s because he doesn’t WANT to.
AND the siblings do NOT want to make their Dad go through the courts at his age so they will just let it be.
The only benefit I can see with the fact that he is a hoarder and has let the house go to Hell is that it won’t sell for that price or not at all but in the end, it really is no concern to me.
Other than the fact that I know the truth and I feel bad for the rest of his family that is involved.
As far as revenge goes, I DID make sure his siblings AND 3 sons KNEW why he left (cause I didn’t pay the back taxes FOR him) and I also let them know about the 2001 manipulation.
Of course, in hind sight, I WAS a bit fearful after I disclosed that but they WERE already aware of the fact.
I also knew about his track record with his past relationships and his family that made him the author of a yet unwritten best selling text book BOOK on Sociopaths but I guess I was the only one that did the research to officially name the cause of his actions.
I always need answers and that’s what made his runs, especially the LAST run, so hard as it was up to ME to figure out why.
Even though he straight up TOLD me, because I didn’t pay the back taxes, I STILL couldn’t understand how someone who I THOUGHT REALLY LOVED ME, could just up and disappear.
THAT’S the funny thing we ALL have in common.
THEY DON’T LOVE US NOW AND NEVER DID but it’s still incomprehensible to us!
They were/ARE…that good/BAD!!
Positivagirl~
(Couldn’t reply to your post asking WHICH to delete.)
Like 14 UP from this 1.(?)
Not a must~just a repeat.
Thanks!
ANOTHER step that has made me KNOW that this last RUN of his WAS and IS his last RUN~
He has a state funded cell phone that I set up for him under my email.
The bill with the minutes and times and numbers that he called, all come to my email.
He didn’t KNOW the numbers were listed but I feel he FEELS they were and he, I’m THINKING, blatantly called and texted a number I was curious about as all the numbers he normally calls were also in my phone and I didn’t recognize this particular one.
So I spydialed (www.spydialer.com) where you are able to enter a cell number and it will call the cell phone a retrieve the VM of said number.
(I COULD have blocked my number but why take the chance on having it show up on her phone.(?)
To my dismay, it was a girl and looking at the times of the texts/calls made me know, this wasn’t just a customer of his (he’s still a “part-time mechanic.”)
I then put the number into http://www.whitepages.com and because it was a cell phone number, they didn’t list the name or address of the number.
For a small fee, IMO!, you pay the one time $29.99 and you get the name and address and background of the person who owns the cell.
That gave me 99.9999% positive PROOF that he had moved on and found himself his next victim to leech on to.
(All I really wanted was the spelling of her name so I could then find a picture but a picture I never found.)
I did, however, learn she’s still married and her hubby had a harassment restraining order put on her in April 2016 and that he will be taking her to court to get $6,000 from her in October.
Like I said, I THOUGHT all I wanted was a picture but what I got was my ANSWER!
All of his other 384 “runs” in the last 5.5. years, I susPECTED a date or 2 he may have gone on but I never REALLY 100% thought so and I SURE didn’t have hard evidence.
That $29.99 was the BEST MONEY I EVER SPENT!
That is HOW I have implemented NO CONTACT EVER AGAIN!!!
And now I KNOW how we went from having sex almost everyday/every OTHER day to only 2 times from March until he left in June.
And I was under the impression he was gone each and every day for the last couple months, de-hoarding his house so that he can try to sell it in 6 months OR it will be fore-closed.
I ALSO know she’s his new victim cause even HE can’t be so STUPID as to leave a FREE ROOF for one that WILL BE GONE within 6 months!!
(That and the fact as I wrote above, it’s NOT his HOUSE~He manipulated his dad into signing a piece of paper just SAYING it was his house, to make it easier to get a loan he never intended on getting.)
NO WARNING (other than the sex-less times) at ALL.
As far as I was concerned, we were a COUPLE for EVER and EVER!
He knew from day ONE how important honesty and loyalty were to me and I let him slide on the honesty scale many times but the “loyalty” as far as cheating~
That will NEVERNEVERNEVER happen to me and if I find OUT, it’s OVER!
And it IS!!!
Part 2
So knowing T is going to have to come down sooner or later. He is inevitably going to end up in prison or rehab any day. I just know once he gets a clear head, he will see how things really happened. He will realize it was him who was paranoid and the meth made him crazy. That the new girl was just a rebound from me. So, I am keeping this journal/scrapbook for him so when he ends up wherever, I can send it to him and he will see. In the meantime, I constantly check her FB page and see them together and her posting shit about them. It made me physically sick. I couldn’t even imagine kissing someone else much less finding love so soon. Well, a little over a month, he called. Rehab. A month before his trial date. This time he went to the L Ron Hubbard place that uses sauna therapy and scientology practices. $25,000. His mother is filthy rich. This was it…he was clean and realized everything and was calling me to make things right! WRONG,
He said, “hey, was just thinking about you and wanted to see how you were doing.” Acting as if nothing ever happened at all. I played it cool but told him of my struggles. I was walking on egg shells as I did not want to bring up anything yet that would push him away or interfere with his recovery, if you call it that. He was there strictly for court…to look good for the judge. We were civil. I got his address. Sent him the journal. Sent him cards. An mp3 player with all “our songs” on it and photos & videos of our happy times. Thinking all of this would remind him of what it was like and what was possible if he were to stay clean. He told me he was still in love with me and always would be but to “not make waves for him right now.” AKA- he was still with girl and didn’t want her to know he was talking to me. He said he was planning on leaving her when he got out. I knew this was not true but was so happy just to be civil and talking to him that I didn’t speak about it or the past. I was able to write my feelings and mail, them to him. He wrote back and said that I sounded good. Better. Not so paranoid anymore!!!!!! This outraged me! He then stopped calling & writing. I sent him a letter back saying he was crazy and it was him that was delusional. He called every few days, acting like nothing…talking about nothing. No feelings.
This all ripped open any scabs I had. Any healing I had even started, was ruined. I was heartbroken all over again. This is when I googled how a person could be like this, and BAM! I found it. I knew it immediately. I remember once in conversation a long time ago he had mentioned he was once diagnosed as a sociopath/psychopath…but I ignored it thinking it was just his ego, as he seemed to get off on “being bad” or deranged. It played into his whole “being misunderstood” game. But he was right. Text book. I immediately felt relief I guess. For a moment anyways. All my questions as to why were answered. Was any of us real? How much was a lie? Now I knew. But I soon started a whole other range of emotions. I printed articles and pages of blogs, highlighting everything that he exhibited and mailed it to him with one note saying, “Now I know. It was all a lie and always will be. We will never be together.” I figured I would not hear back from him. He called today and acted like nothing. I know he received it.
I am on a roller coaster of feelings. One day I am sad and devastated and miss him and love him and still think I can change him. That God can. The next I am ENRAGED that he ruined my life and did all this to me. I want revenge. I want to ruin his current relationship. I want to testify against him in court. I want to expose him with all my proof. But some part of me A.) Doesn’t want to ruin things IN CASE we have any hope of a future together (which logically, I know we can’t.) and B.) I know he has already made me out to be crazy and will talk his way out of all of it. Just like he did with me. the EXACT same thing is happening that did when we hooked up! The rehab, the calling the ex, the lies…..all of it. Exactly. And I am allowing it. I feel as if I will never be me again. He has damaged me permanently.
The real concern is, he called today. Said he gets out Monday. I happen to be going to Texas next week to see my mom and daughter for a week. He knows this. He wants to see me. It could be the last time before he goes to prison. I am scared I won’t be able to say no. I know NC is best. It gives me back the power. I KNOW this in my head. But it’s like I am possessed around him. All logic and consequences go out the window. I tell my self, it’s one last visit. He called today. I did not answer. He left a voice mail telling me all this. I had a panic attack. I feel sick to my stomach. I feel scared. I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust him. For all I know, he wants to kill me before trial. I would not put it past him. Part of me wants to meet up with him, be a bitch, gain back my power, sleep with him, and walk out the door for good. Just to show him I can. Not shed a tear. But deep inside I don’t think that is how it would go down.
I am petrified. Can’t eat or sleep. Can barely get out of bed and function. How do I do this????
A label is not important Michelle. What is important is you. How this makes you feel. The impact it has had on your life. If it is bad. Then it is bad.
It is important. It makes all the difference in the world to me. If you (anyone reading this) does not see the behavior as that of a sociopath, then it means he can feel. That he can change. That there is a hope. It means I am totally wrong. Please tell me what you think. I have been clean and sober for 5 month this time. He has been for 2 months. The behavior is continuing. Am I missing something? Please let me know.
If it gets boring enough ,they will walk and seek new supply. Does not make the end any easier the bridges will still burn cause it will give them more power.
No your not but some of the issue could be co addiction . Work on yourself and only yourself.when you take all the drugs and addiction out of the equation you’ll see more clearly. The fact of lieing and cheating is not coming from you.he is what he is but you said you were not interested when clean tells me it’s the co addition that keeps you going back. We all learned getting clean change people, places and things to stay that way.This might stop him from being able to find you.Mine only hoped what they did made me relapse from a 25 year clean road but I held on though to my sobriety and kept no contact .I fought to let them go instead of me , worked in my case.lots of hugs it’s all a hard road but has rainbows in the end.
You are correct in the sense that when I stay clean, work steps, and my self esteem is back, I am not attracted to the insanity & low life he is while in his disease and addiction. But now that I have seen him and experienced that time when he was clean and doing good, was that really him or was that his mask? They say many sociopaths are drug addicts. After reading about sociopaths, it made me see his behaviors over the 23 years and the patterns all fit but could it just be his addiction? Even though he is clean now and still blaming me, not taking responsibility, has lost everything & is looking to suck all he can from anyone he can? Therefore playing on my emotions but keeping his current girlfriend on standby?
Hearing all this makes me definitely want to see him. I now feel like I need to see how he is now that he is clean again. Or al I just being sucked back in again? The good news is, I know he won’t be using or drinking because he will be going to court in a matter of days upon me being there.
Oh Michelle!~
NOW I understand why it’s so important to you that you know if he is or isn’t!!
Because if he ISN’T, it gives you HOPE!
😦
That HAS to be YOUR CALL Michelle.
My thought is~whether his is or not really doesn’t matter.
You have a 23 year track record that you need to consider.
What outweighed what?
Did the GOOD outweigh the BAD or the other way around?
To ME, it seems from reading your story is that you do MUCH BETTER when you AREN’T with him.
Only YOU can decide when YOU are a better/happier person.
Addicts mimic the selfishness of a sociopath in many ways.
It’s up to YOU how much more energy you are willing to give someone ELSE when it would probably be better spent on YOU. (?)
(imo!)
Follow your mind. Don’t see him and don’t feel guilty. He got himself into this situation. Save yourself by this one step now and build on it little by little. You can do it. I know it’s very had. Continue your NC–what a great start this would be.
Mine was an addict too. Sounds like yours showed sociopathic behavior if he is or isn’t ine. I’ve been around a fair number or recovered drug addicts and alcoholics who continue to show a lot of anger, are only concerned, really, with themselves, show no real empathy, and are VERY unhealthy to be around. I hope you can resist his current attempt to see you. He sounds toxic. I know–good times are very good. Try to be honest with yourself about all the rest of the time. I believe mine was an SP, but no one confirms that for me– even my counselor says she cannot diagnose him. But, I know he takes (took) advantage of my love for him and used me in every way he could (that I let him). He had all the red flags. I trust myself that he is an SP, without anyone else’s validation, but it took a long time because my thinking was contorted from being with him. I’m much better, but know it still is–this is a serious mind fix. And I have had NC in over a year and I still feel for him. Crazy. Just know he’s really bad for you period. Period. And, only you can stand up for yourself and get out of it. A lot of people in prison want people on the out side to visit, put money on the books for them, send them books, letters, etc. Does he really deserve that from you? Really? Please take care of you.
To be more clear, from what you wrote, I wouldn’t expect him to change. That’s just my opinion. It’s the “hope” that things will change that allows the abuse to go on and on. Believe me, I know. My hope nearly killed me. Hope with these people is dangerous and a manipulative tool they perpetuate to keep us on the line and in line. Try to look truthfully at what was and what is. I don’t mean to give up hope that things can be better, that you can be better without him (you’ve proved that before), hope in yourself. Those things are invaluable. I just mean about what they say or imply about the future with you, how thy’ve changed or will–BS!
But you say the word hope “with these people.” I assume putting him the category of a sociopath.
I know that in genera,l either way he has not been good for me and has brought me down time and time again. But it matters a great deal to me if he is truly capable of change. Maybe he would, maybe he wouldn’t. But I would sure like to know and feel it necessary to know if his love was real or not. If it was and was not an act, then yes. It was worth it and would be worth it. Maybe that sounds sick. Knowing it is the only way I feel like I could accept the situation and even try to move on. I understand I am not a doctor and nobody on here is. I understand nobody can truly diagnose him 100%. I know he exhibits every single trait on the scale. But putting my story out there, and people questioning or doubting this, is a HUGE deal to me.
I appreciate everyone even taking the time to read my story and respond. It helps and means a lot to me. I just feel like I am missing something now or in too deep that maybe I can’t see the issue clearly.
Not necessarily. Maybe, but could also be unreliable, manipulative, controlling liars due to personality disorders, drugs, or whatever else might create these behaviors. Where you’re right in the middle, it can be impossible to see someone for what they truly are. I don’t mean you, necessarily. But for me, I wanted to believe the good things he said so much, I overlooked or excused hurtful, and even criminal behavior. Writing what seemed really bad in a journal helped a lot. It’s right there to read over and over until something clicks. I even wrote down the red flags and examples of each–page after page. Sometimes these realizations just come to us by doing so. Also, a counselor can be very helpful to bounce things that feel crazy off of–I can’t say if you are or aren’t seeing clearly, but it wouldn’t be unusual at all if you weren’t. When you feel you are in love with difficult men, despite the pain, there’s this almost indescribable sick dynamic. I came to the realization that he never really loved me at all–but that he isn’t capable of loving anyone at all–despite any words he said. He was using me, just like everyone else–friends, family, males, females. It was really difficult to accept. Maybe you’re not ready and need to work through more with him. Just try to put yourself first. Good luck.
Well I thought I was 100% positive he was when I came to this site & wrote my story. I didn’t doubt myself until the feedback left said he didn’t really seem like it. I just want to know what it is that doesn’t fit the bill…??? If it was something I left out? Something I am overlooking or reading too much into? Or because I focused so much on the addiction side, maybe it appears to be more chemical than psychological? Maybe I am one. I seriously feel like I am losing my mind. Maybe after years of hearing how paranoid & crazy I was, I really am or always was. If he is one, he is winning the game and has really f**** with my head. I have done so much journaling and writing and fourth step work, that writing has almost become meaningless…just words now. Am I a victim of my own mind or a victim of him?
It is confusing read the post (coming out the fog of confusion). I really recommend going to the beginning 2013 and reading comments too. What you are describing we have all faced. If you love someone… you don’t want to think that there is no hope… and there can never be any change. Especially read comments from the socios psychos too (there are a lot on the i love you post) and i love you part 2. They are all relatively the same. The final stage of healing is acceptance. You are far from that. Read post a quick guide to healing you will see it takes a long time and can leave lasting scars.
I am ready to accept it. I was…until the seed was planted that he might no be a sociopath after all. I know there is no hope if he is one. I will deal with that but with people questioning if he truly shows signs of sociopathic behavior is making me doubt myself.
I can’t find these areas on the site. Where do I go to find them?
Under the sociopath sin bin, there are no posts.
Hello Michelle,
If you have done your research about the topic you should know that sociopathy/psychopathy is not something about white or black nor something you are or you’re not. It’s all about a spectrum. That being said lets talk about facts:
Fact: You say he fits in every trait.
Fact: You say you have been abused verbally and physically many times.
You have been in a roaller coaster of dreams and nightmares for more than twenty years (much more in nightmares than in dreams in my opinion) How much do you need to suffer to realize that this guy is TOXIC as hell? Get the fuck out of his life, never look back, zero contact. I repeat ZERO CONTACT. If you can’t do that you will never get rid of this, c’mon how many times have you tried? Open your eyes Michelle. Spend your time and your energy in something valuable like your own self.
@Michelle
You are a survivor.
Stop trying to understand him (there’s no way), and begin to understand you.Give yourself time and remember no contact. Everything will be better.
@Michelle
Drug and alcohol abuse is really common on sociopaths. The first time we were together almost 25 years before he used drugs, I thought his behavior was due to drugs. On our second chance 15 years later he just changed the illegal drugs for alcohol. My personal experience is that they can’t change. They don’t see any fault in themselves. On their twisted minds is everybody else who is in fault an on “debt” with them. It doesn’t matter how much you do, it will never be enough for them. I just remember his blank expression, even on the happiest moments. Stop trying to search for an answer and a solution for him and starthe to look for your solution (staying away from him)
I think maybe I am not communicating my concern/question properly. I understand that if he is a sociopath, and I thought he was when coming to this site. I understand all the traits, behaviors, and that they can’t change and I need NC, and need to move on. The issue I am concerned with now, is that after telling my story, it seems there may be doubts, as some have expressed, that maybe he isn’t one after all. I am wanting to know “what exactly” is making them think that…what behavior was he doing or not doing to question this diagnosis I was so sure of???
Because if he is not one, then that is a big deal. His love could have been real. It could have just been the drugs and alcohol. There is a possibility of change (not a big one as I am aware,) at least psychologically he is capable of emotion and empathy and to change. Whether he wants to is a whole other story. But while nobody here, including me can 100% truly label him or diagnosis him as a soc, I am just wanting to know what it is that some are seeing to make them question it. Maybe I am missing something or do not fully understand the disorder…though I read hundreds of articles, blogs, and sites on it and was convinced he was text book.
Does that make sense? What it is that I am asking? I know he is not good for me either way. I know I should not see him and I know IF he is a soc, he is not able to change, and there is no hope. I was ready to accept that and try to heal and find support on this site. If he is NOT one, whether he is good for me or not, I will at least know the love was not all a lie and that maybe one day in the future, if he hits enough of a bottom, that there could be hope for him…not necessarily for us or me, but for himself.
Because addicts share a lot of selfish traits as sociopaths.
It would be up to YOU if you feel he is a sociopath or an addict or both.
ALL of us have questioned our thoughts too when labeling OUR sociopaths.
I, anyway, ALways gave him the benefit of the doubt thinking NO WAY can he BE ONE!
He’s too NICE!
He has too many FRIENDS (in a tiny town.)
We’re 85% GOOD when we’re good.
It was the 15% BAD that showed MINE has ALL the traits when his MASK falls off.
That’s why we’re with these people for a VERY LONG TIME!
If they showed the TRUE TRAITS 100% of the TIME, no one would need this site cause NO ONE would be that blind/needy/STUPID….to STAY!!!
But when all was said and done, I CAN 100% SAY THAT MINE IS.
Not to say everyone that KNOWS him in that small town thinks the same as I do.
But it doesn’t MATTER!
He IS!!!
It all comes down to what YOU believe!
Does that help you at all?
@GayeLynn … Yes it does but may I ask what it was that made you think twice about him not sounding like one? From my story, you mentioned, it sounded like he may not fit the diagnosis (not in those exact words….) what is it that made it seem that way?
My story all started when I swiped right on a man I didn’t know would turn my life upside down. He was handsome, charming, witty, etc. He seemed like the perfect guy, he had asked me out the first time we met and I was so desperate for love that I said yes. He went out of his way to plan a romantic night for us on Valentine’s, and he stole my heart early on. I found out after 3 weeks that his cocaine use was a bigger problem than I thought. He was an adrenaline junkie, and needed drugs and alcohol to feel competent. I stressed how I would not be able to deal with his cocaine binges, and that he needed to quit in which he agreed but then told me that he was in debt. I ended up raising about 1k for him to help pay off his debts. Throughout the relationship, there were always signs that I chose to overlook. I found tinder on his phone once and he made up some stupid excuse as to why he had it, and I just moved on. He started to drive me crazy because I always felt as if he was hiding things from me. He told me he didn’t like confiding in me because I was too emotional, and that I needed to chill out. After about 4 months, he started distancing himself. We hadn’t seen each other in about a week and wouldn’t give me a good excuse why. I had to make the move myself and just show up to his house in which he acted happy but I could tell he was holding back. As time went on, I got the news that he would be moving to another state due to family issues. I almost fell apart. His last week, we tried to live life to the fullest and took a spontaneous trip to Galveston. That night, I found messages he had exhaled with several people about cocaine, DMT, etc. also screenshots of conversations with girls on tinder, him talking about girls who wanted to have sex with him, etc. I couldn’t stop crying and I told him I can’t do this anymore in which he started to cry and he turned it around in which I felt sorry for him. He expressed how he loved me and that he doesn’t want to lose me, and that he would do anything to fix things. The next night, I had to witness him almost overdose on cocaine, I stayed up until 4-5AM making sure he didn’t fall asleep afraid that would be the last time. Whenever he finally left for the different state, he would always keep in contact, and make sure he ended every night with a phone call. After a few weeks, he got a job and he started to become really distant. He would binge drink, and post on FB, snapchat, yet didn’t have the time to check on me once. I started feeling angry, and I’d constantly try to speak up on it and he would call me clingy and emotional. He would say he has a lot going on in his life and it doesn’t help when I’m always mad about everything. That hurt me, so I tried to distance myself. I was going crazy. I ended up buying him a ticket to come see me. When we finally got around to talking on the phone, we got in a fight and he told me how he had been wanting a break. I agreed to it. I asked him if he had been talking to other girls in which he responded well yeah I’m single. He told me a break is that we broke up but we might get back together. I couldn’t believe he could say that, we were supposed to see each other in 3 weeks! I told him I wouldn’t put up with that so he ended up agreeing a few days later that he would stop. I have never cried so much in my life. I finally built up the courage to tell him that I didn’t want him coming to see me, and he replied with “you don’t want to see me? :(” in which I told him that it wasn’t in my best interest, and I need to do something for myself for once and he told me “I loved you :(” and I just chose not to reply. I called him later on telling him it’d be our last conversation, it ended with him asking if I’d stay in touch. My mistake was not blocking him on my social media, and cutting ties at that moment. Through Facebook, I found out that he had an IG account that I didn’t know existed. He had told me he deleted his IG a month and a half ago. I got the worst feeling in my stomach and almost had a mini meltdown, I had to text him telling him I wanted nothing to do with him. He was living this double life the whole time and the whole relationship was just a lie. The last words he said to me were “K bye then” I wasted half of my year on a man who was incapable of loving anyone besides himself. I still think of him a lot. Especially at night. It’s really difficult right now.
Thank you for sharing your story Nina. I understand how painful it is. That ANYBODY could treat you with such little respect. I want you to know that this absolutely no reflection on you and your worth. He has done this before and he will do it again. It isnt that he doesnt care about you…. he doesnt really care about anyone. But himself. Oh and he will care if it is beneficial to him.
It’s been three days since I last posted. Three of the worst days in my life. I’ve hardly eaten a thing and I can’t stop shaking. She came back after one month away and was obviously expecting me to still be a wreck. Well, I wasn’t. I was strong again. Or so I thought.
She’s clearly hell bent on destroying me completely. I thought this was all over, but I fear the worst now. I really don’t know what to do any more. I blame myself for getting into this mess, but I don’t know if I’ll come out of it now.
I’ve been through a lot in my life and I have experienced a range of different emotions, but it’s only now that I truly know what it feels like to hate someone. Before, it was just a word, but now I really feel it. I cannot even begin to find the words to describe how evil this girl is. If she breaks me and I lose everything then I know that I will just crack and go after her with everything.
@Janos…. NO!!!! Don’t do anything that you will regret… She’s NOT wiry it!!! She’s not!!! Ignore her… Block her… Get a restraining order if you have to but please don’t let her sick ass provoke you into doing something that will only hurt you in the end!! I’ve contemplated homicide and suicide I was so devastated at what this man that I loved madly did to me… But I’m so grateful that I held on, talked to my friends and sought counseling to help me through this. I’ve gotten my revenge on him ( me and karma ). His life is some shit right now and I’m laughing daily!!! Stay strong and focus on you!!! Hugs!!
Thank you Cindy. I think i missed the original post. So am unsure what this is about. I do know that they love to hoover you back then take some more. Ruin you more if you allow them to 😦
I had an affair with this girl because she made me believe that she was worth it – my poor judgement.
I’ve told my wife and we’re going to deal with it, but that’s not good enough for this bitch. Every single personal detail that we ever shared together is now being relayed constantly to my wife in a barrage of texts, phone calls and emails. Personal details of which you can only imagine. It’s stopped today by my wife and I are drained of all life. We’re both on edge and my wife has been physically sick on numerous occasions. If I see her I know that I will just go for her.
Hi janos. Please do not let her get to you. I know that is easier said than done when this person is doing all they can to punish and humiliate you.
I would ask her (and for your wife to do so too) to stop contacting you. If she continues to contact you then it will be considered harassment and that she will be reported to the police. Follow through too. You would be surprised how affective this can be. They thrive on forcing you to live in fear.
Hi Janos…. I’ve been concerned about you. I hope things are calm and you are ok. Just pray and try to ignore her. I’m praying that things work out for you and your wife. Hang in there!!!
@ positivagirl… No problem! I don’t know what’s going on or what she’s done, I just know how much the pain they inflict us. I have great support, but I know everyone doesn’t have that. I’m trying to be supportive because I know that pain.
I’ve tried No Contact and we’ve not encouraged any of this, it’s just so hard to block someone when they use multiple email and text numbers. I’ll take a look at some legal lines but the damage is done. Shattered.
You have to go legal as that is the only way to regain control. Unless you have children together this can often work.
I’m so sorry Janos… I really am. The good news is this: it’s all out in the open now. She can’t hurt you or your wife any more than what she’s already done. Hopefully your wife can forgive you and you two can move forward together. I’m praying for you… But please keep trying to ignore her. If she continues the harassment get a restraining order ASAP!!!
I wrote something above to a reply to CindyT about outing the sociopath.
I did as much as I could because for TWO reasons~
1) First and FOREmost, I had to make SURE I wasn’t going to EVER let him come back again.
2) Honestly, it DID make me feel better.
I started with his brother and sister.
(More so to the sister as I feel she’s more reliable to keep whatever I said between us.)
I THEN told his 3 sons.
At FIRST, I was still in his corner prior to his last run about 1 month before he DID run..
I know ONE of he sons is over the top PO’d at him because a year ago, when he lost his business, he brought MOST of his junk to his Dad’s farm as it has many out buildings and the son was iRATE as he will be the 1 who buys the farm once his Grandpa (my Socio’s Dad) dies and he doesn’t want to deal with the junk when he does.
(He’s almost 92 so who knows HOW much longer he’ll be around.)
I sent all 3 son’s a list of how hoarder’s suffer emotionally and physically so they’d back off a bit because now that he’s losing his house (actually his DAD’S house which I also explained above) the trips from HIS house to his DAD’S have been quite frequent the last 2 months.
When he ran in June, I sent the kids a text saying what a privilege it was knowing them and that they should pity, rather than hate, their Dad.
I did, however, follow THAT text up by telling them why he left (because I refused to pay the $11,000 back taxes.)
Then I contacted the son who will be purchasing the farm once his Grandpa dies, and told him how his Dad, my Socio, manipulated their Grandpa into signing that paper making it look as though he owned the house when that’s a FAR cry from the TRUTH!
(They were all pretty much in the know that their Dad was quite eccentric for use of a better term as it’s their DAD and why would THEY have gone so far as to Google his traits to realize what their Dad is.) (?)
I did wake up the next morning though, with an upset stomach thinking I had probably gone just a little too far on outing him as I don’t know how a NORmal person would act or what they would do when they are on the verge of losing the very LAST thing they have, much less a sociopath’s reaction.
(I KNOW, if I KNEW anyone had read ANYthing I had written prior to this post, this should have been a LOT shorter so for THAT I DO apologize.)
All that leads up to THIS~
He has only texted me twice in the 8 weeks since his run and the 1st was to say~
“Now that you got YOUR items, how do I go about getting MY items back?:
I want to add quickly that I WAS extremely fortunate when he left me this time.
All he had of mine was $200 I borrowed him the week before he left, a $100 Canon Digital Camera AND my Mercury Sable that I had parked on his Dad’s farm when I got a different car last September.
I asked him how he was provoked into pluralizing the word ITEM as all I GOT was the car and it was hard work to get it!
I had to get it towed from the farm when he’d hopefully NOT be there, to a local locksmith as he had the only key and the tow and having 2 keys made came out to $240.00 and THEN I had to have someone drive me to the locksmith business 45 minutes from my house, so I could drive it home.
That was a VERY SCARY drive home as the breaks BAREly worked from sitting since September and it shook so bad, I had to drive with both hands on the steering AND it smelled hot.
All I kept thinking on the drive home was, did he think ahead knowing I’d be getting the car back (which was his ONLY form of collateral to get his 9 black trash bags of clothes back from me, but whatever,
He’s too lazy/cheap to drive 45 minutes and it’s in my garage.
And did he possibly drain the fluids or loosen the lug nuts on the tired which I don’t know at this point in time as all I could afford right now was to pick it up and park it.
(Now I have the problem of THINKing I had NEW keys made but they were just rePLACEments so he has the original and the bob.) 😦
NOW to the POINT of all of this typing IS~
He sent me the 2nd text last night, saying, “My kids have never turned on me and now they’re acting like the German Kapatzo. It’s OVER! See you on the other SIDE!”
I contacted the son and asked if they all confronted him this past weekend and he said he hasn’t seen him for a couple weeks so he’s not SURE where that angry text came from or how he’ll react once the house sells or is taken from him and he has NOTHING..(?)
NOW, I wonder~Do I get a PRE restraining order (if there even IS such a thing.) ???
Like I said, I felt GOOD exposing him but it may not FEEL good if he suspects I said something.
Ok….now that WAS waaaaay tooooo loooonnnng!!
Hopefully I am finished Sharing My Story!!!
With all due respect some of you give these people wayyyyy to much power and credit!!! They are like animals…. If they smell fear from you they will intimidate and attack!! Stand strong…. Be aggressive if you have to!! They are just mortal beings and can be taken down!! When I tell you my ex knows not to mess with me it’s a true statement!! Yes he’s a compulsive, pathological liar, a master deceiver and a user… He has mentally and emotionally abused me…. But let me tell you what that cost him: a damaged $1,200 custom made bike, twice the money he owed me ( I blackmailed him into signing a promissory note for double), it cost him a potential job that he needed because he was forced to resign his good government job of 8 years, texts, sexts and pictures sent to his wife ( whom he told me they were divorcing) and her family, letters to his parents outlining EVERYTHING ( Mom thinks he walks on water), I created a profile on 2 gay dating sites as him, and last but not least 2 weeks ago an Investigator from the police department called my job ( where he used to work) for a background investigation for a job as a policeman ( hilarious )!! No one wanted to speak to the Investigator on his behalf. I spoke with him…. And I told him exactly who they would be hiring along with emailed documentation!!! Fuck him!!! A sociopath running around with a gun and a badge is not a good look!!! The funny thing is he knew I had spoken to the Investigator and initially I did not say anything negative about him. I got an email stating: Cindy, I’m truly sorry for hurting you. I hope one day you can forgive me. Thank you for the positive words that you spoke for me. I hope you life continues to be wonderful and good things continue to happen for you. I wish you the best and take care of yourself. He really thought that would convince me NOT to tell the Investigator the truth about him… It did the opposite. I was FURIOUS!!!!! He’s not sorry about one damn thing!! He’s sorry that he was in a position where I held his future in my hands.. He has ignored me for months…. And yes I let him know that I fucked up his chances of becoming a police officer!!! I’m not a sociopath but I did not deserved to be hurt the way he hurt me AND although I loved him with all of my heart I made sure he paid dearly for deciding to enter my nice, calm life and turning it upside down!!! The moral of this story: don’t be a victim! They are afraid of people like me.
I wasn’t saying that he’s afraid of me…. What I’m saying is he know what I’m capable of if he does anything to me. It’s just not worth it to him. He’s lost a lot at my hands. It’s easier prey out there for him!!!
I thought this too…
@positivagirl…. Trust me Hun, he’s not waiting to do a thing to me!!! He’s knows that I’m not afraid and will fight back!!! It’s been a year since some of those things occurred…. NOTHING!!! AGAIN…. When they know that they cannot intimidate you they move on. His way of retaliating against me was to ignore me ( he is aware this hurts me more than anything ) and it’s what he did. I’m over that now…. In the last 30 days I’ve moved to a beautiful home, got a promotion at work, a 2nd part time job that I love, and am beginning to love life again!!! My life has improved so much after him and his is shit!!! Trust my words… HE WON’T DO ANYTHING TO ME!! The only thing he could possibly do to me is to suck me back into him then discard me again. I will NEVER let that happen again!!
Dating a Sociopath 
@Nomreinsanity,…your story is so sad, but you and your daughter are better off. I was lucky to not have a child tying us together. Though the fact that I was unable, at the age of 52, to give him a child of his own was one of the excuses he tossed around as a reason for discarding me. Monsters…
Yes it’s hard letting go but we have to.
As you saidi know “no contact” is the way..My pain is so new so i dont have the heart to delete everything.But i will start with small steps..I wont enter the social media to check his sharings and i wont look at his last seens..I will start with this..I will fight for letting go..
It is hard because it happened twice now and i was the fool i thought i wont do it again,he accepted his mistakes but things dont change as it seems
Well done. Write a list of these things you are going to do and don’t forget to reward yourself.
Going off his social media is a great place to start. I was in a 5-yr long, very painful relationship with an SP till last year. I broke it off and it has been very difficult. He, however, was not on social media, so I didn’t have to deal with that. I was dating someone new for the past 7 months. I was still trying to determine if he was a narcissist or SP. He was active on texting and somewhat (rarely, but strategically) on Facebook. Fri. night he told me he got back together with an ex-girlfriend and couldn’t see me anymore. I defriended him right away before I saw him post a picture of them together. I didn’t realize how addicted I was to looking to see if he posted every day, of looking at what he reacted to, etc. Since I defriended him, I can’t go back. I did it to save myself the hurt, but when I go to the computer now, I feel like I have little draw to go to Facebook, because I cannot see him. I was starting to love this guy, and it’s very sad, but more of the pain I feel is still that of the original SP coming back. Sorry, that’s an aside, but I know being off his Facebook is really important, but so hard (I’ve been on it over 3 years of checking nearly daily–since I knew him before we got together). Good luck.
@Nykie, we all know what you are going through and you have support here! It’s been more than a year for me, and I am in a new and healthier relationship, but I still deal with anger and old baggage. It’s better…way better…and the way to get here is to start with baby steps. You are strong enough and you will heal, I promise!!
@CindyT
What is worst it’s not letting go.
So please girls, and boys too use a little bit of though live and start the no contact now.
I’ve tried to reply but everything I write is still ‘awaiting moderation’ going back to July 5th. I’ll try a different email….. help!
Wow. I am mind blown. Three years with him and I only now realise he’s a sociopath….. every description has fit to a tee….. Manipulative, a total facade of shocking lies, like the shit he says in the face of confrontation that completely contradict his actions, the selfishness, constant cheating and lack of remorse no matter how many times he broke me down he repeats his actions and stilllll claimed to care about me. He isolated me and rarely liked to go out with me and others… I always felt he was fake and was someone else inside. he cannot empathise with people and to top it all he’s the most charismatic person. funny and talkative but selfish and plain cruel. And worst part I feel psychologically fucked up, I’m so much more insecure now and like I’m too dependant on him to leave because I’m alone as hell far away from family and have no friends. and now I know he’s obviously a sociopath I feel sorry for him. I always suspected he had deep issues, but what now?
Hi flora
Our stories are so similar
I am new here and I feel like I am obsessing over some details but this might be a good place to get them out there.
In my relationship, I never expected anything so bad, but have started to discover that my bf of the last 4 years was likely a sociopath. We had a rough start because he cheated on me with his ex-gf about 10 months into our relationship. I found out because the girl facebook messaged me that they had been seeing each other again for the last 3 months…I remember now that I came over to talk things thru with him and I decided to just be friends and go out with a group of friends that night. He took his time upstairs and I finally went up to see if he was ready and he was talking to the ex that he cheated on me with on the phone, begging to get her back…! I couldn’t believe it, just so weird and rude. I left and never wanted to see him again, but he came back begging on my birthday telling me he loved me, and he knew he would make a huge mistake by not being with me. He said that he was just making a backup plan with her and that he never thought we would find out about each other……both red flags, but at the time I guess I thought he was being honest.
For the next 3 years he started as the most charming man, everything between us was wonderful, he told me he wanted to be together forever, but then the facade started to fall away. I started seeing it with other people first, as we spent more time together, we would come home from an evening out with friends and he would talk shit about how horrible all my friends were, and also how horrible all his own friends were. He would get phone calls from friends, and before he would answer, he would roll his eyes and say ughh i hate this person, then answer like he was their best friend…kinda creeped me out, but I guess I thought I was getting to know the the real him (not that it was as great as he started out being).
Then I started feeling hollow and wondering when he stopped caring about me. At first he withheld sex and then anything physically affectionate for the last two years, stating that he was under extreme stress. I, trying to be a supportive person, stayed for the two years as slowly our physical relationship devolved into me asking for a kiss goodnight every night, eventho I could tell he didn’t want to. I didn’t think it would be good to leave someone who was so stressed he couldn’t even perform, eventho it really started messing with my mind that I wasn’t attractive or desirable to him. I brought it up multiple times and he always had an excuse…We lived together this last year and I kept having horrible gut feelings about everything. One night, I was actually sick and couldn’t sleep, and I looked thru his phone. He had naked pictures of one of his girl friends on his phone, one that I continued to tell him had feelings for him, but he always dismissed as me being crazy. She had sent these photos to him and I was livid. He immediately called me out on violating his trust by looking through his phone. He also told me that she sent him these photos without him asking and insisted there wasn’t a physical aspect to his indiscretion. Somehow I believed him, but I started to wonder if there wasn’t a lie or two to cover up what really happened.
I took him back and spent a couple weeks at home in California before I was going to move all of my things to Tennessee and start a new job that I had just accepted and move in with him there. Right before I was supposed to move he called me on the phone and ended things. He said that he wasn’t ready for the commitment of me moving across the country for him, and that he was still in love with me but couldn’t do it anymore. Obviously this was very confusing for me. He cried on the phone with me for an hour, and somehow my gut knew to be worried he would badmouth me. He had badmouthed his ex before me, most if not all of which I don’t believe to be true anymore. He told me that I was the best person he had ever met and he could never speak badly about me. I believed that too, I liked that one. After a couple days had passed, I was still angry and felt like nothing made sense. In an attempt to clarify, I referenced us not being physically intimate for years, and the fact that he had nude pictures of another girl on his phone…considering whether he could only be interested in some kind of taboo affair…He immediately got extremely defensive and called me the meanest person he had ever met…eventho a couple days before I was the best person he had ever met…very confusing. I told him we should try not talking for a month and let our emotions settle down.
After two weeks friends of mine said that he added the girl who sent him naked pictures back as a friend on facebook. The same day I was also sent a photo of him with his arm around a new girl and her holding his hand…with some more research I found that she was in a wedding he was also in, that he told me not to go to, and that they must have met at least 3 months before we broke up. I called him to try to understand, but he wouldn’t answer. I think I understand now that a sociopath has no reason to answer your questions or try to understand your feelings once you can do nothing more for them. At this point I realized he was lying about this new girl, he also probably lied about the naked photos, and who knows what else. It is very confusing since he was withholding intimacy from me, and I was trying to be so understanding and would never have left him in such a sad mental state, but yet all his lying involved physical connections with other people. I know he’s being the charming man I originally met with these new girls…someone I haven’t seen in the past two years. I now know that I had seen too many cracks in his mask and he resented me for knowing he wasn’t perfect, although I didn’t know what he truly was until I realized he is a first-class liar.
When I started researching lying, cheating, and emotional detachment, I came across sociopaths….I believe he does fit the description. At that point I knew for sure I would never get any real answers to my questions and that he has no empathy to take the time to understand my feelings, let alone listen to them. One of the things that is most painful is that when I have told my parents or close friends that I believe he is a sociopath, they say things like “whatever you need to tell yourself to feel better…” it’s very hard having to go through something like this where someone uses you up (and admonishes you if you tell anyone about the problems in the relationship), and then no one believes you. I wasn’t allowed to tell any of my friends or family about any of the issues in our relationship, eventho the intimacy problem really tore me up inside.
He left me when it was most convenient for him and over the phone with a whole country between us. I had to rescind my job offer in TN, and start the search in CA. I had really connected with his family because he insisted we spend every holiday with them and I had kind of abandoned my own family in the process…let alone friends in CA who I hadn’t connected with since we got together. I felt very isolated, and it took about 2 months to get licensed in CA, find a job, and get all my legal things organized, by which time I am now completely broke and have started charging up my credit cards. I still can’t believe he did me like this. I have considered contacting the new girl because I don’t want anyone else to have to go thru this, but I also want him out of my life for good. Once I realized he is a sociopath, I have blocked him on everything, eventho it kills me that I will never talk to him again. I am still struggling with not thinking about this all the time. Mostly my thoughts center around how someone could do this to another human being. I don’t understand the cheating or the lying, and its all very confusing. I want to stop thinking about it, and I feel like my friends have not been there for me. I also have guilt that I am falsely accusing him of being a sociopath…but I don’t understand how he could have broken up with me “still in love” and also have been lying about seeking out nude photos from friends and starting a relationship with a girl at a wedding while we were together.
I am very happy for finding this website, because reading other stories make me know that the way I feel towards him is years of systematic programming that he did to me. Logically I want to break the cycle, but he was at one point what I thought was the love of my life…I now don’t understand how such evil exists. It is cathartic to get my story out to people who may understand what kind of psycho this is to lie and cheat…the people close to me do not understand.
Hi christy welcome to the site!! 🙂
Everyone of them seem to play in the same movie. Your experience sound so much like mine and every other person that has a story to tell. What i ask myself is when did i stop loving me? We give, give, and continue to give to someone who only understands taking. I was in my relationship off and on for almost 5 years and i just left 4/2/2016. It is very difficult but i read to hear what others have experienced because trying to tell others who have never encountered such a people seem not to understand the pain and deliberated misery they inflict. Typically, they ask why would you stay with someone who acts this way. My answer was the fact i just couldn’t believe that a person that is suppose to be human could be that way. I believe in GOD so i wanted to believe that staying trying to fix things, be more supportive, be more of what he wanted, do more of what he asked, not question him even when there should be questions asked. Well i am here to say, nothing we could ever do can fix them. They will continue to live as they have and hurt others without an ounce of remorse, o yes they will feign remorse if the right person is watching.
Me too, seeing texts eith the same lies and smooth talk was the pits!
I have just come out of a relationship with a sociopath. I had known this guy for four years we met on a dating site, we built up a friendship via text and eventually met. It felt like I had met the one, he was everything I had been looking for. We both wanted the same things, he had been betrayed as I had, so promised we would have an honest loving relationship. He had had a bad childhood through parent separation and exes betraying him and controlling him. I wanted to love and protect this wonderful man. We soon moved in together and tried for a baby. Something changed after 9 months, I noticed he was never happy, no matter what he hated his life, couldn’t hold down a job, didn’t like people, would insult the majority. Had very few friends, didn’t like my family or friends, wanted me to change. I was pregnant yet everything was about him, I received no support. A child was all he ever wanted, or so he said. He started to say something was wrong with him, he wasn’t like everyone else. We went through having our first child, he never seemed to bond with her, never cared. I through suspicion found he had been messaging other girls behind my back, I chucked him out of the house. He soon ‘opened’ up told me he was a sociopath, that he was able to lie and felt nothing, that he wasn’t even sorry for what he had done. But he hated to see me sad. He promised to changed, to get help, counselling, he also drank a lot and said this was due to stress. He seemed to be more focused. We were a family, I wanted it to work. I read up on sociopaths to try and understand him, oh this was him without a doubt. Everything seemed to be OK. I was in control though, it was down to me if he moved back in and we gave it another go. One day he was talking about looking forward to being allowed home. Four days later he told me it was over, I couldn’t give him what he needed and he wasn’t in love with me…just like that our relationship is over. We have a baby together. I’m not going to pretend I’m not in love with him still because I am, but I’m hoping to understand more about his behaviour so it doesn’t emotionally scare me. He will always he in my life because of our daughter and I can see already he is trying to control things, when he sees her, what schools she will go to…along with insulting me. I want to find a way to keep him in out lives on good terms but so far from the information I have read it doesn’t seem possible. I would love to be friends with him and help him. I don’t think that’s likely either.I feel so lost
hello everyone so happy i found this site. i knew all along this guy i was seeing was a sociopath. stupid me right? i see all the signs i continue to take him back many times.. each time worse and worse.he is now in the ruining stage of my life, he is making threats and threatening to damage my rep. i have a no contact order on him. he is delusional and relentless. he has other problems on top bipolar to a tee. i think this is why i tried to make it work. i felt bad for him and of course i urn for the honeymoon stage and physical satisfaction he seemed to give me. he has no family and friends. he is from out of town. he is controlling not wanting me to have time for myself. i get bitched at for texts from friends. i found this and reading he is text book to the 18 signs posted here. with more i could add. i did love him in a way but i could never give myself to him fully but always tried.. i could see through him.. i would call him out on his lies and deception constantly this would make things worse. he had a unique way of winning my heart back then totally destroying it days later with his “talks”. hours and hours of talks (6 hours was the worse) then continue here and there. till i would explode. either way i tried.. quite as a mouse or eventually in rage nothing seemed to work. he was looking for that reaction. now i was the abuser. i yelled i defended myself. its like he knew i knew he was full of shit. i would make sure i told him and this enraged him more. he would say i think he is a piece of shit an thats what i get… exactly what i think of him all along defending no thats not how i feel about you. its how he feels about himself.
very fast into the relationship he rushed making me the center of his world…love marriage and kids ect.. he conned me offering me a 1000 a month to live with me. hey he was already spending the night every night anyways. i liked him he seemed harmless and charming. he gave me the money the first month then spent like double of it of my own. i saw this pattern called him out on it. he would disappear. then i would take him back then the money became less and less till nothing. he would disappear again when i called him out and i would begin to miss the good times those special feelings he offered to me. then he would appear almost knowing i was moving on. again i take him back all along him making me feel bad and continuing to blame me but always saying it was no ones fault. all along saying his behavior is because he loves so much. he was very blatant in his ways and seem to make no attempt to hide his behavior sometimes bragging but making me feel as if i was special and different. i see these warnings still continue. again stupid me.
he doesnt seem to go away. to this day i had to call the cops on him for harassing text and calls threats. cops don’t do anything. i have court on monday to continue the protection order. where he threatens to ruin me and have them take my daughter away from me because i am supposedly a terrible mother person ect.. i know it is all false but it still makes me scared and uncomfortable. the only reason i am a terrible mother os for alloying this to go on as long as i did ( two weeks shy of a year) have had contact and responded with him in hopes to reason with him but this of course is a mistake. its like i try to love him but i loath him and feel bad for him at the very same time. i have never experienced these mixed emotions before. its like don’t sociopaths deserve love too? i know they dont embrace it but i feel like he sometimes does then destroys my feelings and his own. i feel i am strong enough to handle this and be the one to give him the love he needs but he makes it so unbearable i cant. he makes up ridiculous stories about me. some are true cause i am not perfect by far but its like he takes them to a new level of disgust and twists them that i cant ever fathom. in a way i liked his unique disturbed mind as i tend to be more towards the loner unique free spirited bad boy.. at first seemed directed towards other or in the best interest for me and my well being.. obvious lies. things just have gone to far now. he thinks he is above the police the law ect.. he is an ex marine so he is trained to be sneaky. sneaks around my house and i never can prove it. i put up cameras recently so i dont if this will help. he is a 100% mentally disabled veteran and gets a check every month that part is not a lie. but he told me he fakes it so he can get a check or another story was because of his duty he served he gets it also. i do know for a fact he gets a check but why i will never really know but i can make a true assumption now he is just plain down right crazy.
i fell so stupid and used. i wish i never met him. i have never hated anyone in my life this guy has really made me realize monsters do exist. his name is jason btw extremely fitting name. should have been my first sign.. there were so many i see them i ignored blinded by his persona and his sexual charm. i am by far not a a dummy but i never thought i would be such a victim of love or now hate. or whatever feelings i had for him i could never place them.. i felt like hey maybe if i tried to give him love he would change and its never gonna happen. will he ever go away? is my question. i am tired of being trapped in this endless web of lies cons and threats harassment ect.. its exhausting. its over in my mind but in his i feel like this is the beginning. for a while in a way it was almost like i would rather him around then wonder and not know when he will strike next. jason from friday the thirteenth is real only he doesn’t kill me physically he kills me mentally and his abuse and games never die.
I need help. I have tried to leave a post 4 times on here but nothing shows up. I have tried to email “positivagirl” with no response. I am desperate. I am broken and dying. I can’t do this. I am afraid of what I may do. My only hope is getting some sort of support group like you all seemed to have formed on here. I tried other ones but they seem so big and intimidating. I don’t even know how to start on here. I am so broken and feel like nobody cares to hear my story anyways. How pathetic do I sound. Jeeeze. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I used to be happy, outgoing, confident, and full of hope and faith. I am broken. I need help and don’t know where to start. I have read this whole blog and every post. I am not even capable of making lists right now. I can barely function an do the basic things need to live like breathe, eat, walk, and sleep. God, please…someone tell me where to start. I think I am permanently damaged.
Hi lover 1313. I am so sorry for the delay in response i will also be going through email too.
What might seem like ‘damaged’ is wisdom, growth. Not jumping straight into things and remembering that actions will always speak louder than words.
Start with today. This is all that you have power over. Start with right now. You do not have to devise a plan right now to be happy for the rest of your life. Just devise something that makes you feel happy right now. What brings joy? I know that you have said you are not capable of writing lists. How about a gratitude list? Every single one of us has something to be grateful for. If it is one friend who is loyal. Food and water, your home. Animals, a bed to sleep in etc.
Sociopaths are expert at making you believe they ARE the world. They deliberately remove what is of value to you and your world. Leaving you ‘feeling’ empty and bereft.
I will try to find your emails and reply. I apologise for taking so long to respond.
I too can not find the story but have been where you are . Don’t be alone or isolate as you were taught till your thru a couple of months. Share your story we will help.It gets better as you move forward.I promise! It’s a long hard road and we will walk it by your side. Read all you can educate yourself to understand the fog ,pain and confusion. It won’t take it away it will put an understanding on it.hugs❤️
Breathe, @lover1313, you found us and we see you! And we know your pain, too. Take one day at a time, tell us your story in pieces, or all at once. I’m over a year out of my hell and I still find I respond to triggers in extreme ways, though those times are fewer and farther between and I recognize when I’m having one of those moments. You are among understanding friends here…
I too have tried to post on this site but nothing is showing. I feel like I’ve been alone now for all this time and I just hope that I can be involved at some point.
Hi janos. You should now be able to post freely.
Thank you Nikki. I appreciate the chance to share my story. I’ll repost my entry from 5th July as it’s still not showing in the timeline.
I see that you have reposted thank you.
Thank you all for your warm welcome. I have so much to say, vent, get out, or whatever. It is late and I am exhausted. Drained physically & emotionally. But I am in much need of getting this all out. I literally feel like I will combust if I don’t. I would like some time to sit and write though & I don’t have it in me tonight. I have to wake up early to go to my horrible part time job, making less than I did when I was 18 years old….a direct result of this man & the damage that was done. I am trying to stay as positive as I can and be grateful that I have a job at all and it at least keeps my mind somewhat (and I use that word loosely,) occupied and out of my own head & despair for 8 hours of the day. So far, after almost a year, I have yet to go more than 2 hours without thinking of him, the past, the pain, and the anger of all that happened. Most nights, I hope that I won’t wake up. I know that is horrible and bleak. I also have 5 months sober….I used to use drugs and alcohol to cope with all these feelings (not that it ever helped,) but it is like I am just starting to grieve and feel these feelings without chemicals. I must say him and the sickness is harder to quit than the dope and booze.Though I crave the escape constantly.
Anyways, I just wanted to thank you for acknowledging my post and say that right now, this site, is the only thing I have to look forward to for any help, support, or friendships that may come from it. I feel so alone and desperate. God willing (depending on how you look at it,) I will check in after work tomorrow evening. Thank you all.
Welcome!! Write when you feel ready 💖
What if my story is like literally 20 pages long? I don’t know how to tell it without adding all previous history. It’s like a novel. Literally. And I mean 20 typed paged of 8×10 paper! No joke. ??????
Lots of peoples are michelle 💖
I honestly have no idea what I would have done without this page. It’s been 3 months since I got brutally discarded. I am still hurting but I have to say that time heals and that I sometimes feel I am taking one step forward and three steps back. Some days I feel free, like myself and that my life actually can get back together again but suddenly the next day I feel in despair again. I am experiencing some very hard days these days again because of just one little movement from the girl who discarded me, which I keep beating myself up for because if it wasn’t for my own need to look at her social media pages I wouldn’t have had to hurt this much. Why is it so hard to stop looking?
I flew across the Atlantic Ocean to be with the girl of my dreams, or the girl I thought was my dreams and I planned on moving to be with her. When I look back I feel so stupid, blind, and embarrassed. Stupid in love. I still want to move there, but not because of her and I need a lot of time because the only thing I think about when in that City ( The city of my dreams ) is her. We only had about one “normal” week together before things started falling apart. At the beginning I thought everything was my fault but in the aftermath I realize how manipulated I and everyone around us was. I honestly believe she wanted us to work, she did a lot to make it work and for this not to happen but she was honest enough saying that if she falls in “love”, she runs and she runs fast and she can’t stop it even if she wanted to stop it. She said she needs love desperately, but she can’t have it. I don’t even know anymore if that was a lie, but I don’t care because it does not change anything. I can’t fix her even if I think I always will keep some of my love for her. I still feel sometimes that I maybe could have done something differently, but then I start to think more about it and I know this would have happen no matter what I had done. I gave my love to her, and she couldn’t take it. It is so so sad.
I just can’t believe that I didn’t stop it myself before she did. The manipulation, controlling, silent treatment, she “froze” me out all of the sudden, little by little I was crushed and I did not recognize myself. I was constantly physically sick and she just kept on pushing me. She decided to discard me on the worst day ever, right before I had to leave the country and flew back home before going to see her again,right after we had three almost perfect days together and I thought everything was getting back the way they once were. I know she actually was angry with me for leaving (?) and in my mind this just doesn’t add up. I would have come back. I would have been faithful even if she somehow just couldn’t trust me only because people tend to “gather around” me a lot when we go out and I love to dress up and have fun. I only had eyes for her. Only her. No matter what I did I feel that in her eyes I didn’t do anything for her, that I couldn’t be trusted and that I was selfish.
When she discarded me she tried to avoid even speaking to me at all. I felt like I was going crazy and after desperately trying to get in contact with her in any single way that same day I finally did and I believe this made her even more mad at me. She actually laughed, said she didn’t give a shit about me and this is where I have to believe her and her words to keep myself from being drawn into her again. That was the truth coming from her lips, at least in that very moment. After this I have never tried to contact her. Not once and this is the one thing I am so extremely proud of because it is the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life. I only sent her a last text before I left the country just a couple of days after she discarded me where I said she was wrong, she did wrong and that one day she maybe will regret this but I will never wish anything bad for her, that I am so grateful for everything we shared together and that I will always keep on looking for the best in people, and in her. I meant what I said.
The thing that is hard for me these days that has threw me “back” a little bit is that she and I used to flirt a lot over social media, posting pictures with cute hints to each other but at that point it was an very innocent cute game, at least on my part. She knows that I almost started stalking her after a while because I felt so crazy and even my family didn’t understand what was happening to me. I had to stop myself because it only hurt me and I also saw her with another girl very fast, at a social media platform where she thought I couldn’t see it because she wanted to hide it for me and blocked me and my family. I am grateful that I got a chance to see it even if it was the worst feeling I have felt my whole life, because that was the thing that took me out of the fog, out of the denial, that forced me to start building my own life and to grief over her. I had never been that angry or sad before. I was raging.
So I have been through every stage back and forth – The fog, confusing, anger, sorrow, the detective, the desperately seeking for answers reading hours and hours online, despair, depression etc etc. I am in a better place now. I have started dating very carefully again, I am working out exercising almost on a daily basis and are planning and fixing my own life. I am taking care of myself and I have to say – I look better now then I did when I was with her and I know she cares so much about appearance. That was what she felt for with me I believe. That and the fact that in her eyes I was a “success” which according to her I think is a very good appearance, being very popular among a lot of people, my age and having a very good work. That I look like a model and also have worked a little bit as a model, and that I gave my heart to her, only her, even if there are so many people who wants to date me. I don’t care about it. I only wanted her. Some place in my heart I still do but I am working on it. It’s just so hard.
What she has done now recently is that she posted a video of me and her (!), one of the best days we had together and when I saw it I literally felt flat on the bathroom floor. I laughed and cried at the same time. I wanted to just push her into a wall, I wanted to contact her more than ever before but instead I went outside running. People asked her if I was her girlfriend. I just couldn’t believe it and I had to pull myself back together. She does this of probably different reasons:
1. I didn’t beg her enough to take me back and she therefore maybe wants me to beg more and to crush me completely.
2. My life is really getting back together, even better than before with my work and everything and she sees me happy, beautiful, living and loving life.
3. She is tired of her newest supply and / or got disappointed as she always does.
4. She knows that I will travel again and that I will be back in that city this year.
5. She somewhere inside hates me even more for not crying, not begging and not desperately contacting her. I believe this both makes her “want” me more only to break me down, and at the same time hate me and tell herself that I actually didn’t care for her, that I was not in love with her as she said when I first told her how I felt. She just would not believe me no matter what I did. She never believed me and it hurts so much. Why couldn’t see she that I was real?
Could this be reasons, or am I crazy? I am writing this to understand myself that this is NOT love, this is not healthy, this is not ok, this is not normal and I am trying once again not to look at her social media pages at all.
Some days later she posted something to hurt me again. Actually on my birthday. I don’t understand what she is thinking, I don’t completely understand what she want’s ( Is it games? Does she like it? Do sociopaths really enjoy and like games? Why can’t she just stop when she was the one who cut me out of her life? ) but I know she has been trying every single thing/ movement on social media to get me to give her a hint back like before but she has not contacted me and I have not given her any hints back. The only thing is that I of some reasons am not able to block her completely on social media and I am afraid this is going to be my down fall. I have tried so many times. I have erased pictures, her phone number, everything. But this one thing I just can’t get myself to do. I guess I am still at the point where my heart wants her so badly, so so badly. How can I let go completely? How will I stop myself if she tries to come back? How can I be strong enough? I am sorry that this became such a long story, I am just so confused again and it is so hard feeling this way again all of the sudden. I feel addicted to her. Completely. I wish this would stop. Now.
LJ~
YES. They ARE addictive.
They “act” like our “soul-mate” because they mirror us and do and want and say everything we do and want and say!
You are PROBABLY correct on ALL of your bullet points that you listed!
She’ll want you back if who she is with isn’t as good as you were.
Yes, they play games and they LOVE the games they PLAY because they are ALways games according to THEIR rules.
She sees you having fun and not groveling for her and the only reason that she doesn’t LIKE it is because she losing her own game.
I know it’s hard but the best thing for you to do (as you’ve really come so far!) is to completely void ALL social-media that keeps you basically “stalking” her. 🙂
To move forward completely and to get her off your mind, you’d really have to do that.
The reason I’m such an expert even though I’m only 7 weeks NC this time, is because I’ve known all along in the 5.5 year relationship I was in what to do to move forward withOUT him.
But I NEVER REALLY wanted to move ANYwhere withOUT him until THIS time.
This time, I can actually WALK and TALK instead of just TALK.
(I started a blog in 2012 cause I knew back THEN what he was and as embarrassing as it is, I actually had people that followed my blog which went stagnant as I was never really committed to doing the WALK as I am this time around.)
Even though I stayed with him, I never stopped knowing what he was and I never stopped reading and learning what to do if and when I was ever ready.
ANYway, that’s MY thinking on it~That you really DO need to cut all social-media ties with her to be able to fully commit to moving forward.
I’m looking so forward to the day I can say it’s been 3 months as you have!!!
Keep moving!~
@GayeLynn Thank you SO much, I almost started crying reading your response because I know you are absolutely 100% correct about the ‘stop looking at her social media’ to being able to let go completely. It really hit my heart, but in a good way because I needed it. Thank you. Also as you are describing about your own story, about not really wanting to do the walk – I believe I am there in some ways. I want to let go so badly, but I don’t want to at the same time because I can’t get the fairytale, the dream out of my mind. I also think I am so ashamed. She absolutely knows how much pride I have and of course this is an advantage for her. Congratulations on your 7 weeks – that’s wonderful and I hope, wish and believe that you will make it this time. This time it’s about you, it’s your time. You are clearly as you are stating yourself an expert on this already because you have learned so much so keep on moving forward and stay strong. I knew a lot about what I had to do and I know what I have to do at this point – I just need to do it because I have done everything else besides stopping the social media looking completely. I hope I will get there soon.
Mine walked out on me with no word or warning. The previous years were absolutely horrible. I did not realize that when he walked. I thought i would die. As time went by, I realized I would be just fine. I never had the money for a divorce. However, after years he shows up. He attacks me. I had to have him arrested, I filed for a restraining order and they denied it. Before our court date he bought personal property ins on the things in my home. The agent sent the policy to my house. I also received a consent form from his job saying I had to sign the paper in order for him to get 165000 life ins on me. Court day came. He got two years probation. A slap on the hand.
Early this month he did it again. He was able to call police before me, so guess what, they took me to jail for defending myself. I got out of jail, the next day police came to my house to serve me a restraining order. They made me leave my home! The home he had walked away from earlier and had no contributions to. Police had him standing in my driveway as they were walking me out, they walked him in my home, Just like that. Within days he had utilities switched to his name. The next week he moved all of my possessions out to an unknown location.
This week we went to court for restraining order. The judge decided that I am a threat. (he is 6ft 250lbs)(I am 5 ft 118) and he is all the sudden in fear of his life of me. Due to the fact the police felt it necessary to arrest me, he was going to let the order stand. So there you go. In an unexpected blink of an eye, my life was turned upside down and everything Ive worked for is gone. He himself keeps breaking his own restraining order. Calling 20-30 time in an hour. I have recordings of him threatening me in a nasty, nice way.
Today I met my landlady to give her the keys since Ive been banned from the place. She and i met on the neighbors porch across the street. He called police and tried to have me arrested. I was told that if i was anywhere he could see me i would go to jail. I’m just about to lose my mind. I do not understand why the judicial system does not see what he is doing. They are treating me like a mass murderer and protecting him. I cant help but to wonder do they even give a shit about me. I was not even allowed to get the rest of my PERSONAL things from my home. This is a nightmare. I am so lost, scared, and confused. It is like I am in the twilight zone. This man has brought so much destruction to my life, heart, and soul. I do not know what he has up his sleeve but I know it is not good. He is far from done and i am going to pay the piper.
Please help me. No one here seems to care to hear my side. I need help to fight this. I am on my knees begging for someone to hear me and help me. I have an attorney. I have borrowed money and filed for divorce. Now it is the waiting game. He is relentless. he is going to find a way to put me in jail. He told me that over and over in the recordings. The police are buddy buddy with him and rude to me. I did file harassment charges. a warrant was issued. When he called police on me today they warned him of his warrant and did not bother to arrest him. what am I supposed to do?
@Hope… You are right on!!! I’ve asked myself the same thing ” when did I stop loving ME”? You’re also right about why we stay… We think our love for them will change them… We didn’t know that ” humans” like this existed!!! Mine was so charming, extremely sexy, attractive and always had an answer for Everything!!! My gut was telling me something was off… The actions weren’t matching the words but I was in too deep!! I was madly in love and desperately wanted him. I’ve since learned that the ” person” that I was in love with didn’t exist… It was a persona. He lied about pretty much everything!! I was devastated initially… I had a strong foundation to begin with, and with therapy, prayer and the support of good friends I’m getting back to self love and happiness!! Do I still care about him? Yes… But I mostly feel sad for him because his life has deteriorated and will continue to do so because of what he is and I know he won’t learn from his actions or mistakes!! They think they are winning when in fact they lose!!!
@CindyT I lacked the support on my end. I have been asked why did you stay? All i could tell them is you would never understand unless you have been with a person of this kind. People listen but almost in disbelief making it far more difficult to share the abuse you have actually experienced. I am not there yet, I was in this relationship off and on for 5 years. I was won over during the first 3 months but never knew what I was in for. I have been out of the relationship since 4/2/2016, when I say it has been so hard it has been one of the most difficult times I have ever experienced in my 39 years of life. I am still in total disbelief, my ex will be 50 this month you just wouldn’t believe his behavior. I’ve been looking everywhere for support groups but not many available. It’s really hard fighting to get back to yourself especially when you have little or no support.
Hello everyone.
I posted the below story on 5th July, but it never went live, so I’m adding it here again now that I’m an active member. It’s almost a month since I wrote this and looking back I can see how far I’ve actually come. There have been a few serious set backs in the last 4 weeks, and I’m sure that there will be more to come. Thanks for reading. I appeciate any comments you may have.
—————
5th July 2016
I’ve been in a real head-spin for quite a while now and having confided in a friend he rather bluntly stated that the girl I was dating was clearly a sociopath. At first I didn’t accept or even know what a sociopath was, but having read your site and looked into this a lot more I can clearly see that there were (now obvious) patterns of sociopathic behaviour that I was too blind to see at the time. I’ve taken the decision to end our relationship and have now gone No Contact thanks to sites such as yours.
I would like to share my story….
A few years ago I met a young, slim and extremely attractive girl at work. At the time she was 23 and I was in my early 40s and happily married. From the very beginning this girl was very flirtatious with me, to the point where I started to feel quite uncomfortable around her. Her skirts would get shorter every time I saw her and she seemed quite at ease dropping sexual related comments to me, even in front of other people at the office. It felt to me like she was just playing games and I didn’t want to be the classic fool who falls for it. I kept ignoring her and she moved away a few months later. I thought nothing more about it.
Over time my marriage suffered a few set backs to the point where separation became an option, so I was pretty down for a while. I was sitting in a cafe alone one lunchtime and who should walk in the door but this young girl. She is now 26 and still as stunning as ever. She asked if she could join me and I agreed. We chatted for a little bit and she made lots of eye contact, asked me lots of questions and seemed genuinely concerned about seeing me looking so depressed.
The emails started to roll in from her, about how she was concerned about me, then the texts arrived more and more. I tried to keep my replies short and to the point but I was slowly opening up to her. She seemed so genuine and understanding. She asked if we could meet for a coffee and a chat, and again I agreed.
She turned up wearing the skimpiest clothes you could possibly imagine. Heads were turning everywhere and yet she was only looking at me, directly in the eye as if I was the only person on earth. She told me directly that she had always been in love with me and that all she wanted at that moment was to take me to bed. That she knew it was wrong, but she couldn’t help how she felt, that the age difference meant nothing and that all she wanted was to feel me inside her.
Now, I’m being quite graphic here because I want others to understand how that made me feel. Here I was, a man in mid-life, facing the prospect of a bitter divorce, wondering what the future holds, staring at the prospect of losing his family and his home and all of a sudden, out of nowhere, comes this young ‘goddess’ who makes me feel alive again, valued again, proud again…
Call me weak, but the inevitable happened and the following few weeks were just heaven for me. I’d met my soul mate at last, she was everything I had ever dreamed of, sexy, smart, funny, caring, the works. The sex was mind blowing. I couldn’t believe how lucky I was and started to imagine that there was a life after my marriage. A life with HER…
Now, from a very early point, she was telling me that she loved me. I kept saying ‘you don’t even know me yet’ but she was adamant that her love was true and real, and of course I wanted to believe her. However, I was reluctant to fall in love with her. Something in the back of my mind was telling me to be careful. I suppose it was my own self defense mechanism kicking in. I knew deep down that something was wrong, that it couldn’t be THIS perfect. But, I decided that life was too short to miss this opportunity and I completely let myself go, let my guard down, opened up and told her truthfully that I loved her. I was at my happiest….
That was the day it all changed…
The very next day she sent me a text saying that she was pregnant with my child, and was leaving to have an abortion in another town and that I would never see her again.
I was completely distraught.
I did everything that I could to contact her and eventually we started talking again a couple of days later. I felt sick to my stomach, trying to juggle all of my emotions but it was hopeless and I was just a nervous wreck, while she stayed calm and collected.
The sex stopped, she stopped saying ‘I love you’ and from then on it was just an emotional drain on me in every possible way. We’d arrange to meet and she wouldn’t show up, making some excuse. Then she’s promise to call me and I’d sit there staring at my phone for hours on end wondering why the phone wasn’t ringing. I kept checking the volume levels and signal strength….. seems so silly now.
Then she agree to have the ‘abortion’ at a local clinic and I offered to go with her. She said that she’s rather go alone as she didn’t want me there as it would make it harder. I went to see her the day after the appointment and she seemed quite cheerful. When I questioned her on how it went she seemed puzzled ‘How did what go?’ she said. ‘At the abortion clinic…’ I replied. There was a moment’s silence and then she said ‘Oh yes, something came up so I didn’t go.’
‘Something came up?’ I asked her. What can come up that would be more important than an abortion appointment? At that point she became quite defensive and gave me a story about not wanting to bleed whilst on holiday.
So yet more confusion – ‘What holiday?’ I asked. ‘Oh. I’m off to Spain for a week with some friends’. That was the first I’d heard about any trip.
Not wanting to cause a fuss, and still believing that she was pregnant I offered to take her to the train station. She accepted and we sat waiting for the train in relative calm. It was probably the last time I saw her as the girl I fell for. As the train doors were closing, her parting comment was ‘Maybe I’ll kill your baby whilst I’m away, bye!’
My head was just in a spin. I felt about as low as I could and she was now leaving me for a week without contact. The longest week I can ever remember.
When she came back, the first contact I had was of her telling me that it was over and it was my fault. She’s read some old comment of mine on Facebook to a friend which ‘confirmed’ that I was not a nice person. I apologized profusely for the comment, even though to me it was completely innocent. I felt bad about all sorts of things that I shouldn’t have felt bad about. I started to feel worthless. Empty. Every time I questioned something I was accused on ‘over thinking’ matters, like it was my fault. I’ve never felt so confused in my life.
We agreed to meet again, but she never showed up, saying that she had to baby sit for her friend instead. By this time I was having serious doubts about everything she was telling me and my guard was starting to come back up. I was away on business for the day of the ‘abortion’ so offered to take her out to lunch the next day.
During lunch she’s told me that she had had doubts about the abortion, and that the second pill given to her by the doctor was not an easy one to take. That she started to imagine us as a family, with the baby growing up, learning to ride a bike, taking him to school, etc. She was painting a picture of an ideal family and maybe a week earlier I would have gone along with it…. Luckily for me that I had put up some defense because the next line from her could have finished me off….
She said ‘but in the end I decided that I should get rid of it and took the pill. Right now I can feel it crushing and ripping your baby to pieces inside me. It will be dead soon’.
I didn’t flinch or make any response. She looked at me waiting for something. I gave her nothing and carried on eating my lunch even though I was hurting so much inside.
The next few days were tough. She’d really lay on the abuse and guilt trips, make me out to be useless and unsupportive. I kept agreeing with her. She seemed baffled by my responses. We sat in a coffee bar on a Saturday at the end of June and she blamed her behaviour on hormones. and that it would be fine soon. That we should get back to having great sex and stop thinking about things too much. I wasn’t buying any of it.
The next morning I received a text from her saying that her step-father was drunk and being abusive with her and that she had decided to leave the area for good and would never come back. I sent a short reply wishing her all the best and she went absolutely crazy on me…… Obviously she was expecting sympathy but I wasn’t playing anymore.
I was really hurting inside more that you can imagine. I felt like I had been put through the mincer, but I wasn’t going to let this girl take any more of my soul with her. I blocked her on everything from Social Media to email. These first few days have been tough, but I’m getting through it and thanks to your site I have become empowered enough to realise that it wasn’t my fault and that I should not feel bad about myself.
Some of you will no doubt be thinking ‘serves him right’ for cheating, and that’s fair enough. I feel bad about what happened, but when someone is at their lowest and they’re given a glimpse of what seems like true happiness, it’s hard to resist.
I followed the Yellow Brick Road only to find that there was nothing there but tricks and
lies…..
Janos
Janos~
What a story and written so well!
A very SAD story but at the SAME time, with a happy ending, IMO!
She could have very well said that she decided to keep the baby and then somehow guilt you into supporting her and or the baby for who knows HOW long?
You must be a very strong person to have been able to stop her game dead in the tracks of never reaching the finish line!
Congrats to you!!
GayeLynn – Thank you.
I was lucky in that she didn’t pursue me after I went No Contact, which gave me time to clear my head and regain my strength. If she has been there all the time over this last month then it could all have been very different. I had time to regroup before she returned…
She came looking for me this week. It was Monday and a few colleagues told me that she’d been in the office asking about me. I was walking to the car after work and she ‘just happened’ to be walking in the opposite direction. I felt sick but wanted to portray a strong facade. We chatted for a few minutes, and she told me that she’d been thinking about me and that it was really awkward meeting me ‘by chance’.
I told her that I didn’t feel awkward. That it was fine. That it was nice to see her, etc but I was in a rush so take care…
I received a text about ten minutes later from her new mobile number (I’d blocked the old one) saying that she hated me for all the lies I had told. Basically switching everything round on its head.
I firmly believe that she came back expecting me to be a wreck and the fact that I wasn’t really freaked her out. The anger in her text was undeniable.
I didn’t reply.
Two days later I received a text, supposedly from her mother, saying all sorts of nasty things. The sort of things a mother would never say. I was 99% sure that she had written it herself and that it was not her mum.
So now it’s been four days of silence from her and I’m waiting for her next move. I get stronger each day, but it’s still difficult…
Janus
Oh I feel for you. I was also discarded like a sack of potatoes out of the blue! After nearly 5 years together. First 2 were almost magic, next few were hell. I found him cheating online, lying constantly, even lied about his name the entire time!! I thibk he stayed because part of him felt bad! But we had holidays, marriage vows (to each other in private),together every day!!!
Then done!
Then i kept contacting him, he obviously thought I was nuts and blocked me. Its been 11 mths now since it ended. I think of him every day, these days I’m ok. Some days I’m very sad and hurt and angry at him or angry at my own stupidity.
I hope I never see himagain as o think it would hurt too much
Similar situation here…it’s been almost two years and I still feel as though I’m not ready for another relationship, and that’s just fine. However, I’ve finally reached the point where I no longer have any feelings for him whatsoever. Other than asking myself “what the hell was I doing with him for so long?!”, I’m doing quite well.
He’s ‘living the dream’ with a much younger woman (I was younger than his previous victim), but she looks more like his carer than partner. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not ageist, but a 30 year difference is quite noticeable, especially when he hasn’t aged well at all (he’s a functioning alcoholic and has never been what could be considered handsome).
One thing he does have is a well paying job, and she’s from a very poor background and country, so I think they’re quite equal when it comes to using one another…it all seems so unnatural and insincere, which was exactly my soulless experience of being his ‘partner’…never again, I’d rather be single for the rest of my life than settle for that nonsense.
I lived a (materially) comfortable life with him, and none of it made me happy. All the lies, deception, affairs (on and offline) with subsequent denials, gaslighting, repeated discards and returns, were all utterly exhausting and have taken both an emotional and physical toll on me, which is quite visible…but I refuse to be defeated by such an inhumane creature…I’m having my hair done tomorrow (like I used to), and I’m getting ready to move my life and home to somewhere where I can have a new start…frightening and exciting too 😀
I wish everyone here every success, it hurts in the beginning, of course it does, and it does get so much better for you, honest! I now see that people are either a ‘blessing’ or a ‘lesson’ (this perception also prevents me from falling into a cycle of blame)…it’s true, they give you one hell of a lesson, now onwards, and find the blessing you truly deserve (when you’re ready and in your own time, of course).
So, I am writing “my story” in a text document to copy and paste on here and am realizing it is like a book! Are there any rules on sharing one’s story? It seems much of it may not be directly relevant but I feel like to get an accurate feeling of my current situation, the whole history needs to be mentioned. I just can’t imagine anyone caring or wanting to actually read something so long, about….me. Maybe my low self esteem talking but I am starting to feel kind of dumb for writing so much snd going into so much detail…. Any thoughts?
I’m serious ya’ll….this would be like 10 typed pages on regular 8×10 sheets of paper. I don’t know how to edit it and I don’t want people to get bored with it and stop reading before I get to my current situation. I can’t believe my self esteem has come to this. I don’t even recognize myself writing right now…..
All our stories are like that. They all turn out to be very similar too. Write the main stuff and over time on being this, it will eventually all come out. There will be things you won’t remember until someone else mentions it.
I haven’t spoken to mine for over 1.5 years. This site helped me a lot. Just vent as much as you want. It takes time to heal. Mine ruined my confidence and, I believe now, I have made a unconscious decision to remain single because of it. It’s been almost 4 years since I found out about his other life. I don’t believe you fully recover.
I know i remember. It is just unbelievable.
To all of you who are feeling the same way, I want to share something with you that really helped me. It was one of those moments where I really ‘got it’ and it aided my recovery better than any therapy session could ever do…
It started off because I couldn’t sleep, which on its own was no strange thing. After all, I hadn’t been sleeping well for months. When it all started I couldn’t sleep because of the excitement of seeing her, then my insomnia was compounded because of her confusing behaviour, then because of her ‘pregnancy’, then because it was all over, then because of the anger and eventually it was the bitterness keeping me awake.
The thing that was keeping me awake the other night though was the lack of closure. Did I mean absolutely nothing to her? How could she just walk away without any sign of emotion? What was it all for? What the hell happened to me? What was going on?
Google has been my friend in researching this, but everything that I’ve read has indicated that it’s not possible to get any sort of closure from a sociopath, yet there I was at 2:00am, picking through the wreckage of the relationship, trying to find clues that would help me to come to terms with it all. I’m sure we’ve all done that which is how we find sites such as this one…
By 3:00 am I was no nearer to finding any answers. However, just as I was about to call it a night the light bulb in the office popped and left me in darkness. Bloody useless thing I thought! I managed to take it out in the dark, almost burning my hand in the process and then proceeded downstairs to get another one from the cupboard.
I found a new bulb after rummaging around for a few minutes and was about to throw the old one in the bin when the funny thing happened.
I suddenly didn’t want to throw it away and placed it gently on the counter top.
I leant back on the washing machine opposite for a few minutes and just stared at this old bulb.
I’d spent a long time looking for that bulb originally. Taking time to purchase the right wattage and being extra careful not to damage it on the way home. It felt great to switch it on and the room felt so much brighter with it in place, but after a while I just took it for granted and right now I was simply pissed off that it had burnt out and left me in the dark. I didn’t really care that it has served me well for so long, that it had been there for me at the flick of a switch. I didn’t care that it had drained itself for my own selfish needs and now I was about to chuck it in the bin without a second thought.
Did I feel any remorse for this bulb? Did I care what would happen to it in the future? Would I ever miss it? Would I think about it ever again? No, and a double light fitting would make sense for when one of them burns out, that’s for sure.
And there it was. Enlightenment…
To a sociopath, we individuals are just one bulb, usually one of many in a multiple fitting. The SP cannot live with a single bulb because the risk of it blowing and leaving them in the dark is too great. We are there to throw light onto their darkness until we are no longer needed. The more emotional light we give to the sociopath, the more they will drain us, until we either burn out or blow out. We are then cast aside for another bulb and our worth to them is nothing anymore. No point worrying about what we did wrong or how we could have shone any brighter. It will always end this way.
Asking a sociopath to feel compassion for us would be like asking me to feel compassion for this old light bulb. We were both just inanimate objects that no longer had any use that’s all. I understood.
I threw the bulb in the bin and went back to bed. Slept like a log.
Hope that helps a bit…
LOVE your ANALOGY!!
One more thing that really stuck with me was watching the film Primal Fear with Ed Norton and Richard Gere where Norton is playing a character who is trying to get away with murder by pretending to be the schizophrenic Roy / Aaron.
When Gere realises that he’s been duped, his reaction was just like mine when I thought about how this girl had fooled me.
He asks: So there never… there never was a Roy?
And Roy replies: Jesus Christ, Marty. If that’s what you think, I am disappointed in you, I don’t mind telling you. There never was an Aaron…
That’s the point. We fall in love with the character played by a sociopath. It’s like falling in love with Princess Leia when the reality is Carrie Fisher…. We long for something that never actually existed. That’s the hard bit to come to terms with…
Primal Fear was 1 of my FAVORITES!
Now I wonder~Is that WRONG?
I think we all should name our abusers on these sites. It may save/help someone else. The sociopath who abused me is KULLEN HARRIS of Upper Marlboro, MD USA.
Yeah, not sure such a good idea.(?)
What JUST happened to ME YESterday was~I Googled his name and town and the 3rd Google search that came up was where I listed him on a psycho site.
datingpsychos.com to be exact.
I FREAKED that it came up as a 3rd search and I tried in a panic, to delete the post.
My BFF actually asked, “Who’s going to see that?” when I responded, “Anyone that wants to perhaps date him and check him out 1st like I did, that’s who!~DUH!”
Anyway, I WAS able to “update” the little scenario that I wrote about him to where it now just reads DELETED so as not to PROVE that it was me that posted it.
Unfortunately, his name, age and town IS still listed and shows the DATE he was listed on the site so ANYone, including HIM if he even has internet access or a brain on how to search himself, would be able to put that date on ME.
(Unless, of course, he was cheating on me sometime during the last 5.5 years which I HIGHly doubt as I really don’t know that anyone else could or would put up with him. LOL!!
ANYway, it absolutely freaks me out how EASY it was to POST the POST about the Psycho and that it is virtually impossible to remove it.
You CAN’T on your own and when asking to have THEM remove it, they state it could take up to 60 days!!!
That’s CRAZY as it’s a VERY incriminating site where you can actually say the name, phone number and address of someone and even put a picture of them on there.
I’m glad I was at LEAST able to take my POST off as 60 days could mean life or seriously HURTING life if exposed in such a way!!
Well I don’t have that problem…. I’m a badass chick and made him pay for all the shit he did to hurt me…. Not one time has he retaliated!!! They know who they can fuck with…. I’m not that chick!!!
Not sure that’s a good idea. Just throws oil on the flames. What do you think will happen when he finds out? Exposure is the one thing he fears, so now your exposing him…
If you want to move on, best to move on.
This will drag you back for years in my view.
I’ve been exposed him!! They deserve it!! Not afraid of him at all!!
I’m not saying that you should be afraid, but it keeps him in your life longer as he will try to get back at you for this. If you want to expose him then you need to ask ‘Why?’
If you’re doing it to get back at him, hurt him, destroy him, get revenge, etc then this is understandable…
But what about you? What benefit is there to you. You need to put this behind you and this will keep him in your life for years more.
Just be sure you’re doing this for the right reason Cindy 🙂
He’s not in my life now and I seriously doubt if he will ever try to come back!!! There are way easier victims out there… Trust me!!! I’ve gotten revenge… Because of me he’s lost 2 potential jobs, was forced to pay me double what he owed me, has been exposed to his wife, her family, friends and former co-workers!!! He hurt me a lot but I’m not your typical victim. I just feel people should be forewarned about these monsters!!! He has never nor will he retaliate because he worries about what I will do. He’s no threat to me and yes I’m moving on. Great things are happening for me almost weekly but I still struggle with the memories of the lies, deceit, tricks, the discard. It’s a process… I’m moving along.
Well I’m pleased for you in that case. I was just worried that you’d be drawn into a long battle with no chance to move on and recover. But good for you…
Cindy~
I have to say that I have done the exposing too.
(I didn’t want it to be on a Google search though) but I DID expose him.
To his sister, his brother and all 3 sons!
I made damn SURE they knew what he did and they beLIEVED me!
Maybe that’s why he left me.
He KNEW I knew and he KNEW I wouldn’t stay quiet.
It HAS scared me a few times I’d wake up in the morning going, “WTF did you just say and to WHO?” but, after a few hours that went by, I felt GOOD and VINDICATED.
For what he did to me, he deserves to be outted…I just have to think about what I say and for how long I want to feel the need to keep an eye out over my shoulder!!
Sure, he is now losing his LAST thing to lose (his house) and he will have NOTHING left as his kids have seen through him PRIOR to what I’ve said and the same with his family.
I guess I have to HOPE he is able to latch onto his next victim cause I don’t know what a NORmal person does when they have NOTHING much less a SOCIOPATH along with someone that’s on the side lines making SURE he has noBODY left.
I’d say in the PAST he could have easily found a new victim but now that he’s lost a front tooth, lost his place of employment and now his house soon, he may be a it of a harder sell.(?)
THEN what is what I have to keep asking myself………………..
To explain another point about mine and his sociopathic ways~
Although I stated that he is losing his house, it’s far from his.
His X got the house when they divorced in the late 90’s.
The day of the divorce, she called later that night and asked if HE wanted to buy it from her.
He asked his Dad and his DAD bought it from HIS X and HE was to pay his DAD back.
No more needs to be said other than the pay back never happened/happens with ANY Sociopath no matter what the relationship .
Around 2001, the SP needed a loan for a lift or so he said to his Dad, and basically manipulated his Dad into signing a paper saying that he paid for and owns the house so it would look better and help aid him in getting the loan that he never intended on applying for.
Now he is losing his house for non payment of back taxes with the 1 time option of selling it.
He has until February.
IF the house DOES sell, because of the manipulation of him having his Dad sign those papers in 2001, HE gets the money (minus, of course, the $28,000 he owes the IRS and the almost $11,000 in back taxes which, once those bills are paid and the house sells for asking price of $89,00, he’ll get a nice enough amount of money to last him probably a VERY short amount of time as he has no concept of money.)
The ONLY way this can be fought would be to have his Dad, who is now almost 92, take his son to court to prove he never really paid for the house.
The sister/brother asked why it couldn’t be HIM that would need to go to court to prove he DID pay and it’s because he doesn’t WANT to.
AND the siblings do NOT want to make their Dad go through the courts at his age so they will just let it be.
The only benefit I can see with the fact that he is a hoarder and has let the house go to Hell is that it won’t sell for that price or not at all but in the end, it really is no concern to me.
Other than the fact that I know the truth and I feel bad for the rest of his family that is involved.
As far as revenge goes, I DID make sure his siblings AND 3 sons KNEW why he left (cause I didn’t pay the back taxes FOR him) and I also let them know about the 2001 manipulation.
Of course, in hind sight, I WAS a bit fearful after I disclosed that but they WERE already aware of the fact.
I also knew about his track record with his past relationships and his family that made him the author of a yet unwritten best selling text book BOOK on Sociopaths but I guess I was the only one that did the research to officially name the cause of his actions.
I always need answers and that’s what made his runs, especially the LAST run, so hard as it was up to ME to figure out why.
Even though he straight up TOLD me, because I didn’t pay the back taxes, I STILL couldn’t understand how someone who I THOUGHT REALLY LOVED ME, could just up and disappear.
THAT’S the funny thing we ALL have in common.
THEY DON’T LOVE US NOW AND NEVER DID but it’s still incomprehensible to us!
They were/ARE…that good/BAD!!
Ok… So here it goes. I can’t imagine anyone actually reading all of this but I guess if anything it is good for me to at least get out. I will say that everyday I feel different. Always bad but somedays I am sad and some days I am livid. Full of rage. Neither is good but I would have hoped after 9 months, it would get better. It hasn’t. It’s changed but not better and not worse. I could probably write a novel on my story but will try to sum it up as short as I can.
I met my soc approximately 23 years ago. I was 19 or 20 years old. I was well into my partying days and hung out with a questionable crowd. I had already been through 2 rehabs and 1 or 2 institutions for depression…the point being…I am far from perfect and suffered from addiction and depression from an early age. I always picked losers or “bad boys” to go out with. So, my best friend at the time was really into this guy. I heard about him all the time. She was dating him even though he was married. We were both under the impression he was “separated.” ***RED FLAG***Anyways, I was introduced to him and from that moment, I was HOOKED. Little did I know what was in store for me over the next 2 decades. We were immediately attracted to one another. I shamefully admit that he and I started flirting and seeing each other behind my friends back. It could not be hidden for long and I did lose her friendship (for awhile anyways.) This guy was the poster child for the “hot bad boy.” He made no effort to hide his “craziness.” He almost seemed proud of it. He would speak jokingly and almost proudly of all the rehabs, institutions, prisons, jails, psychiatrists, and therapy he had went through his whole life. He partied hard and got into a lot of trouble.
This in itself became a high for me. It was always an adventure. We used dope, drank, ripped and roared, traveled across country, lived in our car….we were “Sid & Nancy,” or a “Bonnie & Clyde.” There were bouts, sometimes months at a time where he would disappear and I knew he was going back and forth with his wife. She even got pregnant at some point. I KNEW he did not love me the way I loved him. But I was always there when he called. I managed to always hold down some sort of job, usually had some income, a car, etc.. He always seemed to call when I was doing good and had acquired “stuff” back. It was like clockwork. And this is long before cell phones, Internet, social media, etc.. He would usually have to do some work to find me, but he always did. I knew I was a “second choice,” but I did not care. In some way I guess I hoped I would win him over. I would fix him. I would make him love me. I doted on every moment we shared. He knew it too. There was never any abuse…physical or verbal. We never even fought. I guess that was what was going on in his home with his wife. This went on 3-4 years. He introduced me to heroin. Happily. Wanted me to do it with him. It was my choice, but he knew what he was doing. After several DUI’s, a pretty bad drug addiction, and coming to a bottom in which there was nowhere left for us to go except our separate ways. He was not going to leave his wife. He always said he stayed for the kids. I wasn’t that naive. When we parted ways, I was pretty sure I would never see this guy again. It killed me. It broke my heart terribly. I didn’t know how I was going to make it.
I ended up moving from Dallas to Sacramento. My dad lived there and had been in recovery from alcoholism himself for many years. He agreed to help me out if I came there. I really had no choice. I lost everything…including all rights & custody of my own child. (I had her before I met my soc.) So, I moved 1200 miles to make a new start. I went to treatment and truly learned a new way of life. For the first time in my life, I was happy. I was content in my own skin. I had a ton of friends, a great job, I helped other girls get clean, I had my own place and was healthy. I learned to love myself. After about a year, guess who calls. Not sure how he found me but he did and this part is all very fuzzy. He ended up on my doorstep soon after. I guess I was thinking it was a friendly visit. I was not overly excited. I actually didn’t even care to see him but he showed up. Upon seeing him….I was totally disgusted. I had changed so much, what was once so appealing and attractive to me, was SO not. I couldn’t believe I was ever even in love with him. Needless to say, I was cordial. He obviously could tell. I ended up taking him to the bus station days later. That was that. I was glad he was gone.
Unfortunately, over the next 5-7 years, I struggled. I was on and off the wagon. I would get a few years of sobriety and then screw up and relapse. But I always managed to get back up on my feet again. I went through a 6 year relationship with someone else…who I loved. It was a pretty normal relationship compared to the one with the ex. ( I will call him T.) It was still a relationship in which I loved him more than he loved me. Not to say he didn’t love me, but I think it’s safe to say in every relationship, it seems it always weight heavier on one side or the other. So, I guess I am still picking men who are not fully emotionally available or ones I can “fix.” After this break-up and a pretty bad relapse…guess who I hear from again. Out of the blue. T calls and says he just served 3 years in prison and I am the only person he could think about the whole time. I was weak and vulnerable. I told him to come to California to see me. I told him I was trying to stay clean though and did not want to get on hard stuff again. He agreed…. ( I swear this is getting to the topic at hand. I just didn’t know how to start without giving the history too.) He was at my place within the week. I think I still kept him at a distance and didn’t fully allow myself to get attached due to the previous pain. But within a few days, we were both strung out again. This time was different. At first, it was about how he realized I was the one he loved…I was the one he was supposed to be with. I felt like the tables had turned. That I had the power this time. But drugs got in the way. He began to make accusations of me flirting and hooking up with other guys. He began to lie to me….steal from me to feed his addiction, and slowly started to turn people against me. I was soon fired from my job and evicted from my apartment. He had become close with my landlord, helping her with remodels and repairs. He ended up staying in MY APARTMENT! He made innuendoes and hints that he could take me out or have me disappear if he chose. I did not know this man. Once again, I lost everything, hit a bottom, and had to have my dad come rescue me again. I was heartbroken again. But I chalked it all up to the drugs.
I once again, went to treatment and slowly put back the pieces to my life again. It took a bit longer this time but I managed to get back on track. (I will try to wrap this up and get to my current issue.) After 4 years, I had obtained my dream job. I had begun to establish a relationship with my daughter after being completely estranged for 7 years. I found happiness again. I never even thought about T. I turned my life over to Christ and was spiritually fulfilled. I was working as a stylist/merchandising manager doing the art & window displays for a very large and popular corporation which I won’t mention but is known for it’s “hipster” culture and upbeat atmosphere. Right off the beach in Santa Barbara. I LOVED it. I eventually wanted to get back to Dallas to really work on my relationship with my daughter, who had just turned 18 and was now able to see & talk to me as she pleased. The company wanted to open a store in Fort Worth and they loved me so much, they wanted me to go open it and run it! It was God! It was meant to be. Everything was fitting right into place. I could see God at work. I jumped on it and moved back to Texas. I found an amazing church and enjoyed my new store. Things with my daughter were going a little slower than I hoped as she was in college and in love. I couldn’t expect to jump in and be instant mom all of a sudden. I couldn’t find a good 12 step group that I really liked or fit into either. I slowly started to feel the depression come on. Long story short (not really) I had some health issues (probably self induced,) started using again and lost my job. I admit I tried to look up T on social media to see what he was up to if he was still alive….no luck. I fall back into drugs. Within weeks, I get a message on FB from, guess who? He too is trying to get clean but can’t. He just got out of a serious relationship (so I was told,) and was living 4 hours south in Galveston. After a few months of talking on the phone, both of us pretty depressed….he decides to come visit me. His mom happens to live 20 minutes away from me. He moves back. I am again not attracted to him. he does not give up. After battling Hep C (and clearing it,) a felony possession, losing my dream job, and going through treatment for depression and suicidal thoughts, I am trying to once again crawl my way back out of my hole. I start doing good again. I start school to become an Esthetician. Im off dope. I make it clear to him that I can not be with him until he gets clean.
By now he has professed his undying love to me. He has always loved me. I have always been the one. He will do anything. He goes to treatment, gets out and does everything you can think of to win me over. He even started going to a therapist and wrote a list/contract of all he wanted in a relationship and in a woman (ironically it was everything I wanted too.) I see a big change in him. Reluctantly, I go out on a “real date” with him. He has always been an atheist yet he starts to show an interest in my faith. He says he is drawn to my spirituality and want what I have. He tells me deep things. Things about himself, his life, his past…things he says he has never told anyone. He makes me think I am special. Now….rewind a bit….( I recently read that a sociopath will often, in the beginning, be honest about himself to make you feel sorry for him, to make themselves appear vulnerable,) he admits to being broken, and bringing people down, hurting loved ones, saying everyone leaves him in the end. This did exactly what it was supposed to do. It made him appear humble and honest. It made me feel like I was the one that he wanted to break those patterns with. I would be the one that would never abandoned him. He said I was his soulmate. He wanted me to be his wife and to spend the rest of his days with me. He said he could not live one day on this earth without me. I was his reason for living. I made him want to change and be a better man. A Godly man. He started going to church with me. Praying & meditating with me in the mornings. We went to a couples therapist to make sure we did things right. He learned to communicate with me. In healthy ways. He would realize when he would make a mistake and talk through it. He would buy me cards and write me love notes everyday and leave them all over the house. We spent hours at the pool talking about life, love, God, our beliefs, our future. IT WAS PERFECT. He said he had never been happier in his whole life.
Now, we each had only 2 requirements we expected from each other. We promised we would never leave the other one unless one of two things occurred. His requirements of me were to never be unfaithful and to never use heroin again. If I were to do either, he would be gone. Totally reasonable and understandable. Mine were that he never be unfaithful to me AND to never use drugs and LIE to me about it. I knew who we were and that both of us had slips sometimes….but as long as he told me about it, it could be worked through and we could work through it. He agreed. Those were the rules. Now early on…a few things happened that I should have took more seriously but I was already in too deep and was pretty blind to many things. He did use speed one night and told me he didn’t. I could tell he had but he swore he didn’t. The next day, we were at the persons house he was with the previous night, and that person started talking about them doing speed together that night. Busted. I was LIVID. I told him I was done. He already broke his promise. He cried. He begged. He swore. He talked his way into another chance. I had also found out during his stay in treatment, when professing his love to me, he was also calling his ex that he had just broken up with months prior. He told me he was just lonely and wasn’t sure I was going to accept him or want him. So, he said he called her a few times but ended it. I found out by him getting text messages from her referring to it. Keep in mind, he told me he broke up with her. She was too young and he fell out of love with her. The way she wrote to him, looking back, I can tell that is not how it ended. Did I mention the girl before her, who he was engaged to, died while with him? Was told it was an accidental overdose but that is another story. Anyways, he let me talk to his texting ex and I told her he was now with me and to never call or text him again. She continued to but, he told me overtime and would show me. He never responded back (then.) So, our “perfect” and wonderful and healthy and passionate relationship continued on. He was so supportive of me going to school and building my relationship with my daughter. It was great. We spent every minute together and knew everything about the other. There was no life outside of “us.” No other friends. No TV. No cell phones, Facebook, texting, etc….Only music, talking, church, and making love. Which he also supported me with as I struggled with the whole sex before marriage thing but he insisted in his eyes and God’s, I was his wife. I got over it.
Now, there were certain things that we had to do apart. I had school, he had to visit his kids, etc…this slowly started to cause him to question me. The small remarks, innuendoes, and hints of suspicion begun. I was always sure to assure him he had nothing to worry about. He always had full knowledge and access to my phone, computer, accounts, passwords, and location. He always, up until the end refused to ever utilize them though. Said he didn’t want to be a “snoop” or a “policeman.” But would still accuse me even though I could prove him wrong. It’s like he knew he wouldn’t find anything if he really looked. He wanted to blame me. We were also drinking occasionally at this point. But it was just “fun drinking” at this time. And then a day came in which changed everything. St least I thought it was what changed everything. It was what I could blame everything on before I found out what he really was……one day while paying for something at the store, going through my wallet, I found a little baggie full of white powder. I freaked out. I don’t know how I had it or where I got it or how long it had been in there. I did not even like speed. Never did. I freaked out and showed him and told him immediately. We went home and talked about it. To flush it or do it? He convinced me he never had a problem with meth and he could take it or leave it. He said we could try it and use it as a fun treat involving sex. We could just have one fun weekend and never do it again.
This is when our perfect relationship began to do a 180. I liked it…but only for sex purposes and never would want to do for more than 2-3 days at a time. Binge using. I admit we had some AMAZING, passion filled weekends. But we began to do more and more often. Immediately his hints and innuendos turned into straight blaming, accusing, and verbal abuse. Some of his accusations were so over the top, I would be in shock. He began to talk so rudely and hateful to me. At first, he would apologize and recognize this craziness but after awhile, it became daily. And there would be no apologizing anymore. We quit going to church and our therapist fired us. I was soon finding missing dope from our stash, see extra calls to dealers, etc… I could tell when he was high and it was pretty much daily. I would call him out and word war 3 would erupt. And I mean BAD. It would get worse with each time, which became daily. He would say “the accuser is always the guilty one!” I didn’t realize what this even meant until I saw it to be exactly true. Getting in each others face would turn to spitting, which turned into shoves, which eventually turned into blows. But this made the making up so much better and the good times that much better. I knew it was only the drugs. For my birthday, he took me to see one of our favorite bands. He somehow worked his charm….I used to tease him and say he had magic pixie dust he used on people. (Little did I know,) and pulled off something great…to keep me reeled in. Before the encore…the lead singer was talking to the crowd and said…”Is there a “T” (his name) out there somewhere?” And T walked right up on stage in front of thousands and said there was a girl who saved his life and he loved her with all his heart….he turned to me in the crowd, said “her name is Michelle, and baby would you marry me?” HOLY SH*#!!!! I was amazed. Dumbstruck. So in love. Of course I said yes. The crowd cheered and they played “our song.” He got us a 5 star hotel room overlooking the Dallas skylight that night. He also hit me and cussed me out upon arriving there.
I was now having to do weekly drug tests so I quit sing the speed and turned to booze. Heavily. He kept using. Kept denying. One thing I loved so much about him in the beginning was he made me feel so safe. I never in a million years thought he would lay a hand on me. And here we were, killing each other. He would always make me think I was the first to start it because I was drunk…..but I know I would never do such a thing. I had never been hit by a man. I never saw myself as the “victim type.” And he swore he had never hit another woman before me!!! What a coincidence. He also said he never cheated on a girl either…I had to remind him of him being with me while married. He said, except that. Then I had to remind him of my then best friend when he was married. He said, “except that time too.” So….it is just me that causes his destructive behavior.
This went on daily for months. The good was so good but the bad was so bad. In my head, I just knew it was the meth. That is what changed everything. This was not really who he was. He was perfect before it! I would beg for us to go back to church, to find another therapist, to get clean & sober again. He would agree and would never follow up. He has also told me if I EVER called the police on him, it would be the end of us and possibly my life. It was in his “contract” he made in therapy. Well, no physical abuse and lying was also in there. When I signed the contract, I never in a million years thought I would ever have a need or reason to call the police! So, there was once or twice where I truly feared for my life and called. I would try and tell him I didn’t…that it had to have been a neighbor but the cops would come and always throw me under the bus, which would lead to a worse fight/beating later. I would always have to deny it and tell the cops everything was fine if I wanted to live another day. My tolerance level of what I would take or accept didn’t even exist anymore. I accepted things just to avoid the fighting. Our doctor once gave him a UA and it showed positive for every drug on it. The doctor fired him. He literally tried to tell me the test was wrong and I must have told the doctor he was using in order to try and get him to stop! Then once after I accused him of being high…he started the biggest fight yet, denying it. Calling me words and names I have never heard anyone say. Degrading, horrible, cruel things…bringing up my past, painful experiences I had, throwing things in my face, saying I was the guilty one. Swearing he was clean. I made him take a UA from the store. He did it and threw it in my face and told me I would be crawling back to him begging for an apology when I saw I was wrong. It showed positive as well. When I told him….he said sorry and acted like nothing ever happened. Made up some BS story about a tiny bit a friend pulled put, blah, blah, blah……
The insanity only escalated. I would lock him out, he would break windows. He would leave for a night or two and I would beg him to come back. If I could only get him to stop using and see that it was the meth that was causing all this. That he was a good person and I loved him. I tried to convince him of this to no avail. I knew he had a bad drug problem but never in a million years thought he would ever cheat on me. One day, I started getting texts from some girl saying that T loved her and that he was talking to her and seeing her without my knowledge. Saying I was trash and needed to leave him alone!!!! He told me he did not know who it was and said it was probably just his jealous ex trying to stir up shit and cause problems. He swore he wasn’t talking to anyone. I believed him. Soon after…he was trying to think of ways to stop the crazy text girl and came up with a story that blew me away!!!! He told me that we could frame her or blackmail her. He said he had nabbed one of her vials of blood when she was having blood work done on time at the hospital!!! He truly thought the idea sounded good! This is when I started to actually fear him and see what he was capable of. I soon started to protect myself by saving emails, texts, and voicemails of his threats and abuse. I photoed all my injuries. I would secretly audio record fights. I saved all this on an external hard drive hidden away. I never wanted to get him in trouble. I only wanted it to protect myself in case something ever happened to me! I also started to go through his phone and Internet history. I began to find the trails….the beginnings…or what I thought were the beginnings….who knows how long it had been happening….maybe it always was….of what was Internet porn, dating sites, chats, etc…. I confronted him. He explained his way out of it all. Deep inside I knew the truth though. I became the paranoid, cheating, lying, snoop that was causing the destruction of our relationship. I no longer had any friends. All our friends, actually really his friends, all loved him and he began telling them all I was crazy and cheating. I was no longer allowed to talk to any of them including his family. His family who once saw me as this sweet, clean, Christian, who came into their sons life, changed him, and was such a good influence on him, now saw me as a lying, unfaithful bitch who was agin using heroin. They all believed him.
Now I am no saint and I admit my part. I would drink and get vocal and needy and pathetic. But I was never unfaithful and I never used dope again. I kept my 2 promises. Over the next few months, which would be our last months…he picked an assault charge (one of the times I called the cops even though I did not press charges, the state of Texas did) and a possession charge. Because of his record, they are charging him with a felony and he is looking at 2 years prison time. His trial is on the 22nd of this month. I had done a few things drunk, trying to make him jealous, by calling ex boyfriends or telling him I did when I really didn’t. It was never anything real or inappropriate. Of course not knowing the repercussions of this, I only did to try and win him back. Stupid I know. This only gave him fuel to blow up my world. It fueled his accusations of my cheating. It gave him an excuse to sleep with other women. He even ended up blackmailing me for money at one point…saying he would tell my family, my daughter, and my probation officer everything and about my drinking and past using if I did not give him money. He even gave me a day and time to hand it over!!! I found out he staged pictures and found old texts and put them all together to send out to everyone. I gave in. I gave him some money, which I didn’t have much of at all. My dad was supporting me (under the impression I was single, sober, & going to school.) So, he could have destroyed any chance of my future with my daughter as well as my livelihood at the time. He later said he never would have followed through. BS.
My lease was up on my apartment and if they weren’t already going to evict me, as they had threatened before, I knew I had to do something. I knew I had to get sober or I would end up in prison or dead. I thought the threat of me leaving, moving back to California, and getting sober would scare him straight and would force him to change. After all this was not him. It was the dope!!! I started the process of getting my probation transferred from Texas to California, thinking it would take months. In 3 days, I was told it was done. I had 4 weeks to get to California. I was still stupid enough to think he could change. That he would change. Now, I can see this is where he totally cut me out of his brain.I had found searches for prostitutes, emails & texts with exes and other women, dating & cheating web sites, hotel and sex shop receipts, and on and on. He still denied everything!!! I even walked in on him doing dope and he still denied it!!! Told me I was crazy, paranoid, and hallucinating! I began to seriously question my own sanity. Was I? Could my head really be only seeing what I was fearing most? No. I knew I was not that crazy. I changed my tactic.
I decided that I would give him the opportunity to come clean with everything. If he told me the truth about everything, I would forgive him. I would stay. We could start over again. But I knew we could never get back to good again if he kept lying and trust could never be formed again until he got honest. He never did. He still lied and denied. By now, I had told my dad and daughter everything. My dad drove to Texas, just having surgery himself, and getting older and tired of rescuing me….he came once again to rescue me. I have never seen him so mad at me. So disappointed. But it was nothing compared to how I felt about myself. And yes, I was still sleeping with T. I did not even recognize myself anymore. What had I become. I once had the world at my fingertips. I had looks, the perfect career, high self esteem, a good education, a nice home, a heart full of faith and God. I now had none of it. I left. I went back to California. I went back a few times over the next 2 months to tie up lose ends etc…still trying to get him to change, to get honest. Still sleeping with him. Finding out more and more he was doing and had been doing. Much more than I knew or ever thought. He had already found a new girlfriend. My drinking was at an all time high. Drinking 3 to 4 pints of 90 proof schnapps just to make it till noon. This caused me to act out worse and more desperately. Begging him, becoming so needy….even offering to accept him as he was!!!! One day he would be in and then I would not hear from him for weeks. In my mind I had 2 options. I either had to get sober and try to pick up the pieces, and attempt to salvage what was left of my life….or take a dirt nap. Suicide was a real thought and option. I knew I had experienced happiness before in sobriety and working a 12 step program. I knew it was possible, so….I chose that 5 months ago.
I tried a couple half ass attempts at suicide, I filled up an entire journal of letters to him…knowing if I could just get him away from the drugs, he would understand. He would see the truth and how things really happened. That I was not crazy. It included photos, cards, past memories, proof of all his lies and infidelities. It included pages and pages of my feelings and thoughts.I knew he would not be reading it until he ended up in prison or ended up going into treatment. But I kept it, It was my only saving grace. The only way I had of expressing myself really. I have been on a roller coaster of emotions since getting sober again. It has been so much harder this time. I can’t seem to move on. I go through the motions of life but never quite get past that. He occupies my thoughts 90% of the time. I can’t get a real job because of my felony so I am working at some little shop, part time, making barely above minimum wage. I live an hour and a half away from civilization…any people I know or AA meetings. I barely have cell service. But I do all I know how to do, no matter how bad I don’t want to. I wake up, pray, go to work, write, try to sleep, and eat. Go to 2 meetings a week as that is all I can afford to get to, as they are so far away. I do service work at them. I work steps. I smile. I pray. I cry. I write. I watch my old pastor on my computer. For awhile, I started to see a glimmer of hope. I started to feel a TINY bit better. And then guess what? Yep. The phone rings.
Ok….I just realized how long this is. I don’t even know if the site will allow these many characters in one post. I can’t imagine anyone is even still reading this. I haven’t even gotten to the important part yet. The finding out of his diagnosis. The present.OMG…I have to go to the doctor right now….due to stress and the way I treated my body, I am going through many physical problems. 2 being chronic and no cure for. My hair is all falling out…anyways….I guess I will continue when I get back. If I have not been banned from the site. So sorry it is so so long. If “positivagirl” needs to edit it, that’s totally fine. I just couldn’t stop once I started….
To be continued shortly…..
Forgive me for asking the following question but~
Where in this do you find any of his behavior sociopathic?
It read to me, and yes, I did read it all as it was written with a very easy to read format, as though your entire relationship was drug and alcohol induced.
Maybe that’s where the story will be continued as to state why you think he may be a sociopath. (?)
I DO applaud you for all of your rock bottoms, you sure did fight a great fight to get back up and even better than before.
Maybe you need to keep reading your own story now that you have written it so well, so you can SEE how good you do good and how bad you do bad!
I’m hoping for YOU, you’re moving full bore ahead into great again!!!
Maybe part 2 will clarify. I just posted it. I now see he has been doing this since I met him 23 years ago. Sober or not. The exact same patterns. The obvious constant lies. The blaming me for everything. The controlling. The manipulation. The ease of him moving from victim to victim, doing the exact same thing in every single relationship. Shutting me off from all my friends and the outside world. Telling everyone I am the crazy one. The verbal and physical abuse. My off and on addiction has never caused relationship issues, much less the insanity like this one. The obsession and possession. The cheating. The not caring about how bad he hurt me. Treating me like dirt….maybe I need to reread what I wrote. I can’t imagine how it can not be seen. I think I went too much into the addiction part. All of his behaviors were consistent whether clean or not. I just didn’t know about them before.
Now I am doubting my own sanity. Am I wrong? Is he not? Omg. Any other opinions out there???
Doubting your own sanity is also part of the healing process. It just takes one day at a time. I promise that it does get better.
I just reread all I wrote. He fits every single criteria needed for the sociopath diagnosis. You only need 3 but he meets all 7 criteria on the DSM 5 chart. And also meets all 6 criteria on the ICD 10 chart. Maybe I should have wrote more about his upbringing and issues and problems…..
The APA’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fourth edition, text revision (DSM IV-TR), defines antisocial personality disorder (Cluster B):[19]
A) A pervasive pattern of disregard for and violation of the rights of others, occurring since age 15 years, as indicated by three or more of the following:
1. Failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest.
2. Deception, as indicated by repeatedly lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure.
3. Impulsivity or failure to plan ahead.
4. Irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults;
5. Reckless disregard for safety of self or others.
6. Consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations.
7. Lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another.
B) The individual is at least age 18 years.
C) There is evidence of conduct disorder with onset before age 15 years.
D) The occurrence of antisocial behavior is not exclusively during the course of schizophrenia or a manic episode.
The WHO’s International Statistical Classification of Diseases and Related Health Problems, tenth edition (ICD-10), has a diagnosis called dissocial personality disorder (F60.2):[20][21]
It is characterized by at least 3 of the following:
1. Callous unconcern for the feelings of others;
2. Gross and persistent attitude of irresponsibility and disregard for social norms, rules, and obligations;
3. Incapacity to maintain enduring relationships, though having no difficulty in establishing them;
4. Very low tolerance to frustration and a low threshold for discharge of aggression, including violence;
5. Incapacity to experience guilt or to profit from experience, particularly punishment;
6. Marked readiness to blame others or to offer plausible rationalizations for the behavior that has brought the person into conflict with society.
The ICD states that this diagnosis includes “amoral, antisocial, asocial, psychopathic, and sociopathic personality”. Although the disorder is not synonymous with conduct disorder, presence of conduct disorder during childhood or adolescence may further support the diagnosis of dissocial personality disorder. There may also be persistent irritability as an associated feature.[21][22]
It is a requirement of the ICD-10 that a diagnosis of any specific personality disorder also satisfies a set of general personality disorder criteria.[21]
Hey michelle. I think what you are feeling right now is normal.
Positivagirl…. Do you see or not see sociopathic behavior?
@michelle. At the beginning of the story I did wonder if he was a sociopath. I think there were subtle clues but it seems that it was mainly when he asked you to marry him that his sociopath tendencys really showed. Perhaps thought that now you ere his, he could treat you like that. Maybe the drugs disguised his sociopath behaviour.
I hope that you stay clean and that this doesn’t make you start using again. Please know that you have support on here too.
Thank you for reading & responding. I would like to ask a question….can anyone tell me what it is that he “is not” exhibiting or showing that would make one think he may not be a sociopath? I don’t understand.
I know that in general either way he has not been good for me and has brought me down. But it matters a great deal to me if he is truly capable of change. Maybe he would maybe he wouldn’t. But I would sure like to know and feel it necessary to know if his love was real or not.
I haven’t read the most recent posts but will do so after I rite mine.
Figure I may as well jump on the band wagon while it’s still fresh.
I met “mine” on an online dating site.
It didn’t take long to know something was off right from the start.
His name was spelled different.
He listed he was 10 years younger than he really was.
He listed a town NEXT to the town he is from.
Those were all #1 red flags.
The #2 red flag happened 2 months into my roller coaster in Hell when he fell asleep while we were making love.
I told him it hurt and when he left the room, I waited about a half an hour to go tell him “it was ok” but, he was GONE!
That was an odd way to handle the situation.
What’s worse is….I spent the entire next day trying to find hi,
I knew the county, about 45 minutes from my house, but that was about it.
Many hours later (yes, how pathetic was I) I found where he worked and we reconnected (not by him apologizing~more like ME apologizing for being “hurt”) and on we went.
The next 3 years are all just “typical Sociopath Behavior.”
We fought, rather he’d RAGE, about every other week and we’d get back together every other week.
No explaining needed to be done on his part cause HEY, he was the answer to my prayers and I DID pathetically, treat him as a God Given Gift.
(It makes me CRINGE typing that!!)
In the course of that 3 years, he borrowed and owed me money to the tune of about $5,000.
Once, he gave me a check for $1,200 and I told him I’d wait awhile to cash it.
When I did about 3 weeks later, he RAGED!
Trying to get that money back was fruitless as he forgot ALL the dates and amounts I recorded so every time I’d bring it up, he’d RAGE!
In June of 2013, I totaled my car (thank goodness(?) and he gave me his which of course, he said was worth WAY more than $5,000 when in reality, it was about $2,000 but because I NEEDED a car at that time and it was a good looking car, it WAS worth $5,000 to me for the time I needed it.
SO many other things happened in that 3 years that I could list but they are SO TEXT-BOOK it mkes me CRINGE!
Especially because I had him pegged for a Sociopath about a year into our 5.5 years together but it did NOT MATTER TO ME!
When things were GOOD, they were GREAT!
I told him I knew he was one and his reply was, “Well then, what does that make YOU?” and so I switched the Google searched from HIS Sociopathic ways to MY CO DEPENDENCY!
Again~I didn’t CARE if we were what we were.
Again, when things were GOOD, they were GREAT!
I never had such good times doing things and going out and the talks we had were so meaningful and the sex was to die for!!
He was my Soul-Mate.
He moved in with me in Aprip of 2014 and he lived for FREE until HE left in June of 2016.
In those 2 years, I could count on one hand, the RAGES and SILENT TREATMENTS.
I SWORE, I WAS the Sociopath Whisperer!!!
Even when my GUT was telling me things, my BFF would logically say how he was there for my brother’s suicide, my Mom’s cancer and death of pancreatic cancer, my bouts with bad driving that COULD have landed me in PRISON….SO MANY THINGS he was THERE for so how could I possibly CARE that he didn’t pay anything to live with me or even have him TRY to get a job.
When I left my X, I was so alone, I wanted to invent a RENT-A-FRIEND service so I cold get out and DO things.
Well, that’s what he ended up being.
He was my Chef, my Chauffeur, my Therapist, my Shoulder, my Confidant, my House Cleaner and Sex man.
Allowing him to live here for FREE meant to me I WAS paying for HIM to BE those things and I’d reason that I’d be paying those bills with or without him and I’d take WITH HIM over withOUT ANY day!
In the end, we went from having sex (I’d call it making LOVE but I know that’s NOT what it was to him) :(, everyday/every OTHER day to WEEKS and then MONTHS without.
I’d talk to him about it and we’d BOTH be in agreeance that times were just “stressful” and we’ll get it all back when things WEREN’T so “stressful.
We had sex in March on my B-Day and then again 2 months later and then not at all when I brought something up to make him RUN.
I told him, “I’m not sure about YOUR 1st marriage but MINE was text-book to what is happening with us. Hit the 5 year mark (for us that was January 2016) the fucking stops, the touching stops, the doing talking stops and then th doing things together stops. The only problem with US is that the next move would be someone leaving and sadl, MY name is on the lease.”
I was crying because this was something I thought we’d WORK on.
I NEVER saw him packing for 5 hours and actually LEAVING as an OPTION!
Especially because he’s losing his house because of unpaid back taxes.
(He lost his business because he failed to pay he rent, a year earlier and we got through that.)
I couldn’t believe he was leaving a FREE roof to a roof that he had to sell.
(It’s a 1 time deal that he can sell it and if it’s not sold by February 2017, it will be foreclosed.)
2 days after he left, I went to his house as he of course, didn’t answer or take calls or texts and I hugged him and told him I wanted him to come home.
He said, “Really?” and I knew he’d be coming back with me that night.
We went out to eat and I was under the impression that all he needed to do was clean his house for the realtor to take pictures so I took the plunge and offered to pay the back taxes.
When we came back, I asked to see int he house and I freaked.
He didn’t even START picking it up (he’s a HOARDER-BIG time) and I knew he was putting no effort into getting it ready and that I was his ticket not to have to.
He knew for a LONG time he needed to pay the back taxes and he never even TRIED to sell anything or make any payments with his odds and ends jobs.
He DID come back with me that night and slept FINE while I was up ALL NIGHT knowing I’d have to retract that offer in the morning.
When I DID, all he said was OK.
I left for work and hour later and we kissed good-bye and HE said I love you FIRST.
I KNEW in my GUT he’d be gone when I got home.
I waited 8 days and went and tried it again.
Drove to his house and asked him to come “home” and asked what I could do to help him get the house ready but this time he RAGED at me!
“HELP ME!? HOW WOULD YOU DO THAT? YOU OFFERED ME MONEY AND FLIP-FLOPPED AND SAID NO! WE’RE DONE. I’M TIRED OF OWING PEOPLE MONEY AND HAVING PEOPLE MAKE FUN OF ME. I NEED TO DO THINGS DIFFERENT AND THAT MEAN WITHOUT YOU!!”
I left SPEECHLESS.
It’s been 7 weeks and I have lost 10 pounds.
I’m 5’4″ and 90 pounds SOAKING WET!
(I’m slowly getting my appetite back and forcing myself to eat and have gained 3 pounds so far.)
He sends me a text here and there RAGING at me but wanting the 9 garbage bags of clothes he left here.
Maybe I’ll offer to meet him at a Police Station for the exchange~I’m not sure as I haven’t thought too much about it.
I’m VERY proud that I have FINALLY did the NC unlike the 384 other times he left me! 🙂
He lost a front tooth a few months back, he lost his place of business a year ago and he’s losing his house.
I know there is a GOD that made HIM leave ME as I would have NEVER been able to kick an unemployed homeless toothless man out and I’d have been STUCK with him the rest of my/his LIFE!
Of course I battled with myself wondering if I’d rather do THAT and have what I THOUGHT was my best friend back but that was too low for even ME to go.
I am reading everyone else’s storys and that has helped me GREATLY with my decision.
I follow a few blogs but this one HAS been my Savior for SURE!!
I can’t thank you enough for creating this site because without it, I’m not sure I could continue NC!
GayeLynn
♥♥♥
PS~I’d apologize for the length of my post but I pick the longest of all posts to devour every word of.
I’m glad everyone gets so into detail here because that’s, to ME anyway, the best therapy we have at this time!!!
Thanks AGAIN to EVERYONE!!!
@GayeLynn I just read your story now while sitting at the bus with tears in my eyes. I don’t know exactly what to say but wow – you are strong and YOU deserve to live your life for YOU – NOT for him. I really believe in you, I will use a lot of my good energy today sending my best wishes of a healthy, free and loving life for you as you are continuing the great work you have already done. I will use this good energy I have now to send good vibes and energy to every single one on this page. Wonderful, caring, strong, loving human beings. It gives me goosebumps thinking about how much a person is able to do for love, to think about and see the people on this page – It makes me believe that someone could actually care about me as well one day when I am ready after being alone a while, for real, not as a game, not because I have “this or that”, not in some controlling sick way – But for real, for the person I am. It gives hope. I almost loat all my faith in love, but I will never because I will not let evil win. There are good people in this world and good things are happening around us every day. We have to choose good over evil. We have to choose happiness over pain. We have to choose to face our biggest inner fears if we want to let go and life the life we are suppose to live. It’s hard, so hard, but I believe it is worth it in the end. Stay strong!
THANK you LJ!
I agree, there are a lot of kind people out there as this site proves.
We just need to be more selective and allow only people like us into our lives that can appreciate the good we have (and THEY have) to offer!!
It saddens me that there are such evil people that prey on nice people and I guess we need to try to learn a lesson from THEM.(?)
WHAT exactly that lesson IS, I don’t quite yet know.
I guess we need to NOT believe there’s good in everyone and to be a lot less trusting.
It’s NOT a trait we’d want to take on as it sounds like a MEAN trait but to protect ourselves, we have to look at it in a different way. (?)
SOoOoooo…..How far have you gotten to deleting/defriending/defollowing the social media sites. 😉
I have to admit, I have NOT done that with mine yet.
Oh no I DIDn’t! haha!!
Pretty much, I am convincing myself of, is that he doesn’t readily have internet access so I’m really NOT following/stalking him.
But at the SAME time, I am, aren’t I?
Waiting for the day he DOES post SOMEthing.
I’m proud of me for that I have NOT bashed him on Face Book as he has a lot of people that are my friends also and I COULD have posted things but why?
To make ME feel/look better or make HIM feel/look worse which both really make NO sense to me.
I WILL always “love” him for the good times and maybe even for the bad as hopefully, I have learned a lesson or 10 for future references.
I mean really, I can hardly “hate” a person that I “pity” so much!!
What must it FEEL like to not really FEEL?
At times, I almost envy that about them.
But MOST times, I DON’T!!
Thanks for the positive vibes you are sending!!
♥♥♥
SHOOT!~
I posted this aBOVE in the wrong place.
Maybe the 1st one can be deleted?
************************************************************************
To explain another point about mine and his sociopathic ways~
Although I stated that he is losing his house, it’s far from his.
His X got the house when they divorced in the late 90’s.
The day of the divorce, she called later that night and asked if HE wanted to buy it from her.
He asked his Dad and his DAD bought it from HIS X and HE was to pay his DAD back.
No more needs to be said other than the pay back never happened/happens with ANY Sociopath no matter what the relationship .
Around 2001, the SP needed a loan for a lift or so he said to his Dad, and basically manipulated his Dad into signing a paper saying that he paid for and owns the house so it would look better and help aid him in getting the loan that he never intended on applying for.
Now he is losing his house for non payment of back taxes with the 1 time option of selling it.
He has until February.
IF the house DOES sell, because of the manipulation of him having his Dad sign those papers in 2001, HE gets the money (minus, of course, the $28,000 he owes the IRS and the almost $11,000 in back taxes which, once those bills are paid and the house sells for asking price of $89,00, he’ll get a nice enough amount of money to last him probably a VERY short amount of time as he has no concept of money.)
The ONLY way this can be fought would be to have his Dad, who is now almost 92, take his son to court to prove he never really paid for the house.
The sister/brother asked why it couldn’t be HIM that would need to go to court to prove he DID pay and it’s because he doesn’t WANT to.
AND the siblings do NOT want to make their Dad go through the courts at his age so they will just let it be.
The only benefit I can see with the fact that he is a hoarder and has let the house go to Hell is that it won’t sell for that price or not at all but in the end, it really is no concern to me.
Other than the fact that I know the truth and I feel bad for the rest of his family that is involved.
As far as revenge goes, I DID make sure his siblings AND 3 sons KNEW why he left (cause I didn’t pay the back taxes FOR him) and I also let them know about the 2001 manipulation.
Of course, in hind sight, I WAS a bit fearful after I disclosed that but they WERE already aware of the fact.
I also knew about his track record with his past relationships and his family that made him the author of a yet unwritten best selling text book BOOK on Sociopaths but I guess I was the only one that did the research to officially name the cause of his actions.
I always need answers and that’s what made his runs, especially the LAST run, so hard as it was up to ME to figure out why.
Even though he straight up TOLD me, because I didn’t pay the back taxes, I STILL couldn’t understand how someone who I THOUGHT REALLY LOVED ME, could just up and disappear.
THAT’S the funny thing we ALL have in common.
THEY DON’T LOVE US NOW AND NEVER DID but it’s still incomprehensible to us!
They were/ARE…that good/BAD!!
Which one did you want deleted?
Positivagirl~
(Couldn’t reply to your post asking WHICH to delete.)
Like 14 UP from this 1.(?)
Not a must~just a repeat.
Thanks!
ANOTHER step that has made me KNOW that this last RUN of his WAS and IS his last RUN~
He has a state funded cell phone that I set up for him under my email.
The bill with the minutes and times and numbers that he called, all come to my email.
He didn’t KNOW the numbers were listed but I feel he FEELS they were and he, I’m THINKING, blatantly called and texted a number I was curious about as all the numbers he normally calls were also in my phone and I didn’t recognize this particular one.
So I spydialed (www.spydialer.com) where you are able to enter a cell number and it will call the cell phone a retrieve the VM of said number.
(I COULD have blocked my number but why take the chance on having it show up on her phone.(?)
To my dismay, it was a girl and looking at the times of the texts/calls made me know, this wasn’t just a customer of his (he’s still a “part-time mechanic.”)
I then put the number into http://www.whitepages.com and because it was a cell phone number, they didn’t list the name or address of the number.
For a small fee, IMO!, you pay the one time $29.99 and you get the name and address and background of the person who owns the cell.
That gave me 99.9999% positive PROOF that he had moved on and found himself his next victim to leech on to.
(All I really wanted was the spelling of her name so I could then find a picture but a picture I never found.)
I did, however, learn she’s still married and her hubby had a harassment restraining order put on her in April 2016 and that he will be taking her to court to get $6,000 from her in October.
Like I said, I THOUGHT all I wanted was a picture but what I got was my ANSWER!
All of his other 384 “runs” in the last 5.5. years, I susPECTED a date or 2 he may have gone on but I never REALLY 100% thought so and I SURE didn’t have hard evidence.
That $29.99 was the BEST MONEY I EVER SPENT!
That is HOW I have implemented NO CONTACT EVER AGAIN!!!
And now I KNOW how we went from having sex almost everyday/every OTHER day to only 2 times from March until he left in June.
And I was under the impression he was gone each and every day for the last couple months, de-hoarding his house so that he can try to sell it in 6 months OR it will be fore-closed.
I ALSO know she’s his new victim cause even HE can’t be so STUPID as to leave a FREE ROOF for one that WILL BE GONE within 6 months!!
(That and the fact as I wrote above, it’s NOT his HOUSE~He manipulated his dad into signing a piece of paper just SAYING it was his house, to make it easier to get a loan he never intended on getting.)
NO WARNING (other than the sex-less times) at ALL.
As far as I was concerned, we were a COUPLE for EVER and EVER!
He knew from day ONE how important honesty and loyalty were to me and I let him slide on the honesty scale many times but the “loyalty” as far as cheating~
That will NEVERNEVERNEVER happen to me and if I find OUT, it’s OVER!
And it IS!!!
Part 2
So knowing T is going to have to come down sooner or later. He is inevitably going to end up in prison or rehab any day. I just know once he gets a clear head, he will see how things really happened. He will realize it was him who was paranoid and the meth made him crazy. That the new girl was just a rebound from me. So, I am keeping this journal/scrapbook for him so when he ends up wherever, I can send it to him and he will see. In the meantime, I constantly check her FB page and see them together and her posting shit about them. It made me physically sick. I couldn’t even imagine kissing someone else much less finding love so soon. Well, a little over a month, he called. Rehab. A month before his trial date. This time he went to the L Ron Hubbard place that uses sauna therapy and scientology practices. $25,000. His mother is filthy rich. This was it…he was clean and realized everything and was calling me to make things right! WRONG,
He said, “hey, was just thinking about you and wanted to see how you were doing.” Acting as if nothing ever happened at all. I played it cool but told him of my struggles. I was walking on egg shells as I did not want to bring up anything yet that would push him away or interfere with his recovery, if you call it that. He was there strictly for court…to look good for the judge. We were civil. I got his address. Sent him the journal. Sent him cards. An mp3 player with all “our songs” on it and photos & videos of our happy times. Thinking all of this would remind him of what it was like and what was possible if he were to stay clean. He told me he was still in love with me and always would be but to “not make waves for him right now.” AKA- he was still with girl and didn’t want her to know he was talking to me. He said he was planning on leaving her when he got out. I knew this was not true but was so happy just to be civil and talking to him that I didn’t speak about it or the past. I was able to write my feelings and mail, them to him. He wrote back and said that I sounded good. Better. Not so paranoid anymore!!!!!! This outraged me! He then stopped calling & writing. I sent him a letter back saying he was crazy and it was him that was delusional. He called every few days, acting like nothing…talking about nothing. No feelings.
This all ripped open any scabs I had. Any healing I had even started, was ruined. I was heartbroken all over again. This is when I googled how a person could be like this, and BAM! I found it. I knew it immediately. I remember once in conversation a long time ago he had mentioned he was once diagnosed as a sociopath/psychopath…but I ignored it thinking it was just his ego, as he seemed to get off on “being bad” or deranged. It played into his whole “being misunderstood” game. But he was right. Text book. I immediately felt relief I guess. For a moment anyways. All my questions as to why were answered. Was any of us real? How much was a lie? Now I knew. But I soon started a whole other range of emotions. I printed articles and pages of blogs, highlighting everything that he exhibited and mailed it to him with one note saying, “Now I know. It was all a lie and always will be. We will never be together.” I figured I would not hear back from him. He called today and acted like nothing. I know he received it.
I am on a roller coaster of feelings. One day I am sad and devastated and miss him and love him and still think I can change him. That God can. The next I am ENRAGED that he ruined my life and did all this to me. I want revenge. I want to ruin his current relationship. I want to testify against him in court. I want to expose him with all my proof. But some part of me A.) Doesn’t want to ruin things IN CASE we have any hope of a future together (which logically, I know we can’t.) and B.) I know he has already made me out to be crazy and will talk his way out of all of it. Just like he did with me. the EXACT same thing is happening that did when we hooked up! The rehab, the calling the ex, the lies…..all of it. Exactly. And I am allowing it. I feel as if I will never be me again. He has damaged me permanently.
The real concern is, he called today. Said he gets out Monday. I happen to be going to Texas next week to see my mom and daughter for a week. He knows this. He wants to see me. It could be the last time before he goes to prison. I am scared I won’t be able to say no. I know NC is best. It gives me back the power. I KNOW this in my head. But it’s like I am possessed around him. All logic and consequences go out the window. I tell my self, it’s one last visit. He called today. I did not answer. He left a voice mail telling me all this. I had a panic attack. I feel sick to my stomach. I feel scared. I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust him. For all I know, he wants to kill me before trial. I would not put it past him. Part of me wants to meet up with him, be a bitch, gain back my power, sleep with him, and walk out the door for good. Just to show him I can. Not shed a tear. But deep inside I don’t think that is how it would go down.
I am petrified. Can’t eat or sleep. Can barely get out of bed and function. How do I do this????
Am I wrong? Is he not a sociopath??? Now I am freaking out!!
A label is not important Michelle. What is important is you. How this makes you feel. The impact it has had on your life. If it is bad. Then it is bad.
It is important. It makes all the difference in the world to me. If you (anyone reading this) does not see the behavior as that of a sociopath, then it means he can feel. That he can change. That there is a hope. It means I am totally wrong. Please tell me what you think. I have been clean and sober for 5 month this time. He has been for 2 months. The behavior is continuing. Am I missing something? Please let me know.
If it gets boring enough ,they will walk and seek new supply. Does not make the end any easier the bridges will still burn cause it will give them more power.
No your not but some of the issue could be co addiction . Work on yourself and only yourself.when you take all the drugs and addiction out of the equation you’ll see more clearly. The fact of lieing and cheating is not coming from you.he is what he is but you said you were not interested when clean tells me it’s the co addition that keeps you going back. We all learned getting clean change people, places and things to stay that way.This might stop him from being able to find you.Mine only hoped what they did made me relapse from a 25 year clean road but I held on though to my sobriety and kept no contact .I fought to let them go instead of me , worked in my case.lots of hugs it’s all a hard road but has rainbows in the end.
You are correct in the sense that when I stay clean, work steps, and my self esteem is back, I am not attracted to the insanity & low life he is while in his disease and addiction. But now that I have seen him and experienced that time when he was clean and doing good, was that really him or was that his mask? They say many sociopaths are drug addicts. After reading about sociopaths, it made me see his behaviors over the 23 years and the patterns all fit but could it just be his addiction? Even though he is clean now and still blaming me, not taking responsibility, has lost everything & is looking to suck all he can from anyone he can? Therefore playing on my emotions but keeping his current girlfriend on standby?
Hearing all this makes me definitely want to see him. I now feel like I need to see how he is now that he is clean again. Or al I just being sucked back in again? The good news is, I know he won’t be using or drinking because he will be going to court in a matter of days upon me being there.
I am so confused,
Oh Michelle!~
NOW I understand why it’s so important to you that you know if he is or isn’t!!
Because if he ISN’T, it gives you HOPE!
😦
That HAS to be YOUR CALL Michelle.
My thought is~whether his is or not really doesn’t matter.
You have a 23 year track record that you need to consider.
What outweighed what?
Did the GOOD outweigh the BAD or the other way around?
To ME, it seems from reading your story is that you do MUCH BETTER when you AREN’T with him.
Only YOU can decide when YOU are a better/happier person.
Addicts mimic the selfishness of a sociopath in many ways.
It’s up to YOU how much more energy you are willing to give someone ELSE when it would probably be better spent on YOU. (?)
(imo!)
Follow your mind. Don’t see him and don’t feel guilty. He got himself into this situation. Save yourself by this one step now and build on it little by little. You can do it. I know it’s very had. Continue your NC–what a great start this would be.
But does it sound possible he is not a sociopath???
Mine was an addict too. Sounds like yours showed sociopathic behavior if he is or isn’t ine. I’ve been around a fair number or recovered drug addicts and alcoholics who continue to show a lot of anger, are only concerned, really, with themselves, show no real empathy, and are VERY unhealthy to be around. I hope you can resist his current attempt to see you. He sounds toxic. I know–good times are very good. Try to be honest with yourself about all the rest of the time. I believe mine was an SP, but no one confirms that for me– even my counselor says she cannot diagnose him. But, I know he takes (took) advantage of my love for him and used me in every way he could (that I let him). He had all the red flags. I trust myself that he is an SP, without anyone else’s validation, but it took a long time because my thinking was contorted from being with him. I’m much better, but know it still is–this is a serious mind fix. And I have had NC in over a year and I still feel for him. Crazy. Just know he’s really bad for you period. Period. And, only you can stand up for yourself and get out of it. A lot of people in prison want people on the out side to visit, put money on the books for them, send them books, letters, etc. Does he really deserve that from you? Really? Please take care of you.
To be more clear, from what you wrote, I wouldn’t expect him to change. That’s just my opinion. It’s the “hope” that things will change that allows the abuse to go on and on. Believe me, I know. My hope nearly killed me. Hope with these people is dangerous and a manipulative tool they perpetuate to keep us on the line and in line. Try to look truthfully at what was and what is. I don’t mean to give up hope that things can be better, that you can be better without him (you’ve proved that before), hope in yourself. Those things are invaluable. I just mean about what they say or imply about the future with you, how thy’ve changed or will–BS!
But you say the word hope “with these people.” I assume putting him the category of a sociopath.
I know that in genera,l either way he has not been good for me and has brought me down time and time again. But it matters a great deal to me if he is truly capable of change. Maybe he would, maybe he wouldn’t. But I would sure like to know and feel it necessary to know if his love was real or not. If it was and was not an act, then yes. It was worth it and would be worth it. Maybe that sounds sick. Knowing it is the only way I feel like I could accept the situation and even try to move on. I understand I am not a doctor and nobody on here is. I understand nobody can truly diagnose him 100%. I know he exhibits every single trait on the scale. But putting my story out there, and people questioning or doubting this, is a HUGE deal to me.
I appreciate everyone even taking the time to read my story and respond. It helps and means a lot to me. I just feel like I am missing something now or in too deep that maybe I can’t see the issue clearly.
Not necessarily. Maybe, but could also be unreliable, manipulative, controlling liars due to personality disorders, drugs, or whatever else might create these behaviors. Where you’re right in the middle, it can be impossible to see someone for what they truly are. I don’t mean you, necessarily. But for me, I wanted to believe the good things he said so much, I overlooked or excused hurtful, and even criminal behavior. Writing what seemed really bad in a journal helped a lot. It’s right there to read over and over until something clicks. I even wrote down the red flags and examples of each–page after page. Sometimes these realizations just come to us by doing so. Also, a counselor can be very helpful to bounce things that feel crazy off of–I can’t say if you are or aren’t seeing clearly, but it wouldn’t be unusual at all if you weren’t. When you feel you are in love with difficult men, despite the pain, there’s this almost indescribable sick dynamic. I came to the realization that he never really loved me at all–but that he isn’t capable of loving anyone at all–despite any words he said. He was using me, just like everyone else–friends, family, males, females. It was really difficult to accept. Maybe you’re not ready and need to work through more with him. Just try to put yourself first. Good luck.
Very well put …agreed
Well I thought I was 100% positive he was when I came to this site & wrote my story. I didn’t doubt myself until the feedback left said he didn’t really seem like it. I just want to know what it is that doesn’t fit the bill…??? If it was something I left out? Something I am overlooking or reading too much into? Or because I focused so much on the addiction side, maybe it appears to be more chemical than psychological? Maybe I am one. I seriously feel like I am losing my mind. Maybe after years of hearing how paranoid & crazy I was, I really am or always was. If he is one, he is winning the game and has really f**** with my head. I have done so much journaling and writing and fourth step work, that writing has almost become meaningless…just words now. Am I a victim of my own mind or a victim of him?
It is confusing read the post (coming out the fog of confusion). I really recommend going to the beginning 2013 and reading comments too. What you are describing we have all faced. If you love someone… you don’t want to think that there is no hope… and there can never be any change. Especially read comments from the socios psychos too (there are a lot on the i love you post) and i love you part 2. They are all relatively the same. The final stage of healing is acceptance. You are far from that. Read post a quick guide to healing you will see it takes a long time and can leave lasting scars.
I am ready to accept it. I was…until the seed was planted that he might no be a sociopath after all. I know there is no hope if he is one. I will deal with that but with people questioning if he truly shows signs of sociopathic behavior is making me doubt myself.
I can’t find these areas on the site. Where do I go to find them?
Under the sociopath sin bin, there are no posts.
Hello Michelle,
If you have done your research about the topic you should know that sociopathy/psychopathy is not something about white or black nor something you are or you’re not. It’s all about a spectrum. That being said lets talk about facts:
Fact: You say he fits in every trait.
Fact: You say you have been abused verbally and physically many times.
You have been in a roaller coaster of dreams and nightmares for more than twenty years (much more in nightmares than in dreams in my opinion) How much do you need to suffer to realize that this guy is TOXIC as hell? Get the fuck out of his life, never look back, zero contact. I repeat ZERO CONTACT. If you can’t do that you will never get rid of this, c’mon how many times have you tried? Open your eyes Michelle. Spend your time and your energy in something valuable like your own self.
Sorry if my words sound a bit harsh.
@Michelle
You are a survivor.
Stop trying to understand him (there’s no way), and begin to understand you.Give yourself time and remember no contact. Everything will be better.
@Michelle
Drug and alcohol abuse is really common on sociopaths. The first time we were together almost 25 years before he used drugs, I thought his behavior was due to drugs. On our second chance 15 years later he just changed the illegal drugs for alcohol. My personal experience is that they can’t change. They don’t see any fault in themselves. On their twisted minds is everybody else who is in fault an on “debt” with them. It doesn’t matter how much you do, it will never be enough for them. I just remember his blank expression, even on the happiest moments. Stop trying to search for an answer and a solution for him and starthe to look for your solution (staying away from him)
I think maybe I am not communicating my concern/question properly. I understand that if he is a sociopath, and I thought he was when coming to this site. I understand all the traits, behaviors, and that they can’t change and I need NC, and need to move on. The issue I am concerned with now, is that after telling my story, it seems there may be doubts, as some have expressed, that maybe he isn’t one after all. I am wanting to know “what exactly” is making them think that…what behavior was he doing or not doing to question this diagnosis I was so sure of???
Because if he is not one, then that is a big deal. His love could have been real. It could have just been the drugs and alcohol. There is a possibility of change (not a big one as I am aware,) at least psychologically he is capable of emotion and empathy and to change. Whether he wants to is a whole other story. But while nobody here, including me can 100% truly label him or diagnosis him as a soc, I am just wanting to know what it is that some are seeing to make them question it. Maybe I am missing something or do not fully understand the disorder…though I read hundreds of articles, blogs, and sites on it and was convinced he was text book.
Does that make sense? What it is that I am asking? I know he is not good for me either way. I know I should not see him and I know IF he is a soc, he is not able to change, and there is no hope. I was ready to accept that and try to heal and find support on this site. If he is NOT one, whether he is good for me or not, I will at least know the love was not all a lie and that maybe one day in the future, if he hits enough of a bottom, that there could be hope for him…not necessarily for us or me, but for himself.
Does that make sense?
Because addicts share a lot of selfish traits as sociopaths.
It would be up to YOU if you feel he is a sociopath or an addict or both.
ALL of us have questioned our thoughts too when labeling OUR sociopaths.
I, anyway, ALways gave him the benefit of the doubt thinking NO WAY can he BE ONE!
He’s too NICE!
He has too many FRIENDS (in a tiny town.)
We’re 85% GOOD when we’re good.
It was the 15% BAD that showed MINE has ALL the traits when his MASK falls off.
That’s why we’re with these people for a VERY LONG TIME!
If they showed the TRUE TRAITS 100% of the TIME, no one would need this site cause NO ONE would be that blind/needy/STUPID….to STAY!!!
But when all was said and done, I CAN 100% SAY THAT MINE IS.
Not to say everyone that KNOWS him in that small town thinks the same as I do.
But it doesn’t MATTER!
He IS!!!
It all comes down to what YOU believe!
Does that help you at all?
@GayeLynn … Yes it does but may I ask what it was that made you think twice about him not sounding like one? From my story, you mentioned, it sounded like he may not fit the diagnosis (not in those exact words….) what is it that made it seem that way?
Michelle sometimes it can take a while for the heart to catch up with what the brain already knows.
My story all started when I swiped right on a man I didn’t know would turn my life upside down. He was handsome, charming, witty, etc. He seemed like the perfect guy, he had asked me out the first time we met and I was so desperate for love that I said yes. He went out of his way to plan a romantic night for us on Valentine’s, and he stole my heart early on. I found out after 3 weeks that his cocaine use was a bigger problem than I thought. He was an adrenaline junkie, and needed drugs and alcohol to feel competent. I stressed how I would not be able to deal with his cocaine binges, and that he needed to quit in which he agreed but then told me that he was in debt. I ended up raising about 1k for him to help pay off his debts. Throughout the relationship, there were always signs that I chose to overlook. I found tinder on his phone once and he made up some stupid excuse as to why he had it, and I just moved on. He started to drive me crazy because I always felt as if he was hiding things from me. He told me he didn’t like confiding in me because I was too emotional, and that I needed to chill out. After about 4 months, he started distancing himself. We hadn’t seen each other in about a week and wouldn’t give me a good excuse why. I had to make the move myself and just show up to his house in which he acted happy but I could tell he was holding back. As time went on, I got the news that he would be moving to another state due to family issues. I almost fell apart. His last week, we tried to live life to the fullest and took a spontaneous trip to Galveston. That night, I found messages he had exhaled with several people about cocaine, DMT, etc. also screenshots of conversations with girls on tinder, him talking about girls who wanted to have sex with him, etc. I couldn’t stop crying and I told him I can’t do this anymore in which he started to cry and he turned it around in which I felt sorry for him. He expressed how he loved me and that he doesn’t want to lose me, and that he would do anything to fix things. The next night, I had to witness him almost overdose on cocaine, I stayed up until 4-5AM making sure he didn’t fall asleep afraid that would be the last time. Whenever he finally left for the different state, he would always keep in contact, and make sure he ended every night with a phone call. After a few weeks, he got a job and he started to become really distant. He would binge drink, and post on FB, snapchat, yet didn’t have the time to check on me once. I started feeling angry, and I’d constantly try to speak up on it and he would call me clingy and emotional. He would say he has a lot going on in his life and it doesn’t help when I’m always mad about everything. That hurt me, so I tried to distance myself. I was going crazy. I ended up buying him a ticket to come see me. When we finally got around to talking on the phone, we got in a fight and he told me how he had been wanting a break. I agreed to it. I asked him if he had been talking to other girls in which he responded well yeah I’m single. He told me a break is that we broke up but we might get back together. I couldn’t believe he could say that, we were supposed to see each other in 3 weeks! I told him I wouldn’t put up with that so he ended up agreeing a few days later that he would stop. I have never cried so much in my life. I finally built up the courage to tell him that I didn’t want him coming to see me, and he replied with “you don’t want to see me? :(” in which I told him that it wasn’t in my best interest, and I need to do something for myself for once and he told me “I loved you :(” and I just chose not to reply. I called him later on telling him it’d be our last conversation, it ended with him asking if I’d stay in touch. My mistake was not blocking him on my social media, and cutting ties at that moment. Through Facebook, I found out that he had an IG account that I didn’t know existed. He had told me he deleted his IG a month and a half ago. I got the worst feeling in my stomach and almost had a mini meltdown, I had to text him telling him I wanted nothing to do with him. He was living this double life the whole time and the whole relationship was just a lie. The last words he said to me were “K bye then” I wasted half of my year on a man who was incapable of loving anyone besides himself. I still think of him a lot. Especially at night. It’s really difficult right now.
Thank you for sharing your story Nina. I understand how painful it is. That ANYBODY could treat you with such little respect. I want you to know that this absolutely no reflection on you and your worth. He has done this before and he will do it again. It isnt that he doesnt care about you…. he doesnt really care about anyone. But himself. Oh and he will care if it is beneficial to him.
It does get better Nina. Hang in there..
It’s been three days since I last posted. Three of the worst days in my life. I’ve hardly eaten a thing and I can’t stop shaking. She came back after one month away and was obviously expecting me to still be a wreck. Well, I wasn’t. I was strong again. Or so I thought.
She’s clearly hell bent on destroying me completely. I thought this was all over, but I fear the worst now. I really don’t know what to do any more. I blame myself for getting into this mess, but I don’t know if I’ll come out of it now.
I’ve been through a lot in my life and I have experienced a range of different emotions, but it’s only now that I truly know what it feels like to hate someone. Before, it was just a word, but now I really feel it. I cannot even begin to find the words to describe how evil this girl is. If she breaks me and I lose everything then I know that I will just crack and go after her with everything.
I’ve never known emotions like these before.
Hi janos. You say she is hellbent on destroying you? What has she done?
@Janos…. NO!!!! Don’t do anything that you will regret… She’s NOT wiry it!!! She’s not!!! Ignore her… Block her… Get a restraining order if you have to but please don’t let her sick ass provoke you into doing something that will only hurt you in the end!! I’ve contemplated homicide and suicide I was so devastated at what this man that I loved madly did to me… But I’m so grateful that I held on, talked to my friends and sought counseling to help me through this. I’ve gotten my revenge on him ( me and karma ). His life is some shit right now and I’m laughing daily!!! Stay strong and focus on you!!! Hugs!!
Thank you Cindy. I think i missed the original post. So am unsure what this is about. I do know that they love to hoover you back then take some more. Ruin you more if you allow them to 😦
I had an affair with this girl because she made me believe that she was worth it – my poor judgement.
I’ve told my wife and we’re going to deal with it, but that’s not good enough for this bitch. Every single personal detail that we ever shared together is now being relayed constantly to my wife in a barrage of texts, phone calls and emails. Personal details of which you can only imagine. It’s stopped today by my wife and I are drained of all life. We’re both on edge and my wife has been physically sick on numerous occasions. If I see her I know that I will just go for her.
Hi janos. Please do not let her get to you. I know that is easier said than done when this person is doing all they can to punish and humiliate you.
I would ask her (and for your wife to do so too) to stop contacting you. If she continues to contact you then it will be considered harassment and that she will be reported to the police. Follow through too. You would be surprised how affective this can be. They thrive on forcing you to live in fear.
Hi Janos…. I’ve been concerned about you. I hope things are calm and you are ok. Just pray and try to ignore her. I’m praying that things work out for you and your wife. Hang in there!!!
@ positivagirl… No problem! I don’t know what’s going on or what she’s done, I just know how much the pain they inflict us. I have great support, but I know everyone doesn’t have that. I’m trying to be supportive because I know that pain.
Bless you cindy thank you 💖
I’ve tried No Contact and we’ve not encouraged any of this, it’s just so hard to block someone when they use multiple email and text numbers. I’ll take a look at some legal lines but the damage is done. Shattered.
You have to go legal as that is the only way to regain control. Unless you have children together this can often work.
I’m so sorry Janos… I really am. The good news is this: it’s all out in the open now. She can’t hurt you or your wife any more than what she’s already done. Hopefully your wife can forgive you and you two can move forward together. I’m praying for you… But please keep trying to ignore her. If she continues the harassment get a restraining order ASAP!!!
I wrote something above to a reply to CindyT about outing the sociopath.
I did as much as I could because for TWO reasons~
1) First and FOREmost, I had to make SURE I wasn’t going to EVER let him come back again.
2) Honestly, it DID make me feel better.
I started with his brother and sister.
(More so to the sister as I feel she’s more reliable to keep whatever I said between us.)
I THEN told his 3 sons.
At FIRST, I was still in his corner prior to his last run about 1 month before he DID run..
I know ONE of he sons is over the top PO’d at him because a year ago, when he lost his business, he brought MOST of his junk to his Dad’s farm as it has many out buildings and the son was iRATE as he will be the 1 who buys the farm once his Grandpa (my Socio’s Dad) dies and he doesn’t want to deal with the junk when he does.
(He’s almost 92 so who knows HOW much longer he’ll be around.)
I sent all 3 son’s a list of how hoarder’s suffer emotionally and physically so they’d back off a bit because now that he’s losing his house (actually his DAD’S house which I also explained above) the trips from HIS house to his DAD’S have been quite frequent the last 2 months.
When he ran in June, I sent the kids a text saying what a privilege it was knowing them and that they should pity, rather than hate, their Dad.
I did, however, follow THAT text up by telling them why he left (because I refused to pay the $11,000 back taxes.)
Then I contacted the son who will be purchasing the farm once his Grandpa dies, and told him how his Dad, my Socio, manipulated their Grandpa into signing that paper making it look as though he owned the house when that’s a FAR cry from the TRUTH!
(They were all pretty much in the know that their Dad was quite eccentric for use of a better term as it’s their DAD and why would THEY have gone so far as to Google his traits to realize what their Dad is.) (?)
I did wake up the next morning though, with an upset stomach thinking I had probably gone just a little too far on outing him as I don’t know how a NORmal person would act or what they would do when they are on the verge of losing the very LAST thing they have, much less a sociopath’s reaction.
(I KNOW, if I KNEW anyone had read ANYthing I had written prior to this post, this should have been a LOT shorter so for THAT I DO apologize.)
All that leads up to THIS~
He has only texted me twice in the 8 weeks since his run and the 1st was to say~
“Now that you got YOUR items, how do I go about getting MY items back?:
I want to add quickly that I WAS extremely fortunate when he left me this time.
All he had of mine was $200 I borrowed him the week before he left, a $100 Canon Digital Camera AND my Mercury Sable that I had parked on his Dad’s farm when I got a different car last September.
I asked him how he was provoked into pluralizing the word ITEM as all I GOT was the car and it was hard work to get it!
I had to get it towed from the farm when he’d hopefully NOT be there, to a local locksmith as he had the only key and the tow and having 2 keys made came out to $240.00 and THEN I had to have someone drive me to the locksmith business 45 minutes from my house, so I could drive it home.
That was a VERY SCARY drive home as the breaks BAREly worked from sitting since September and it shook so bad, I had to drive with both hands on the steering AND it smelled hot.
All I kept thinking on the drive home was, did he think ahead knowing I’d be getting the car back (which was his ONLY form of collateral to get his 9 black trash bags of clothes back from me, but whatever,
He’s too lazy/cheap to drive 45 minutes and it’s in my garage.
And did he possibly drain the fluids or loosen the lug nuts on the tired which I don’t know at this point in time as all I could afford right now was to pick it up and park it.
(Now I have the problem of THINKing I had NEW keys made but they were just rePLACEments so he has the original and the bob.) 😦
NOW to the POINT of all of this typing IS~
He sent me the 2nd text last night, saying, “My kids have never turned on me and now they’re acting like the German Kapatzo. It’s OVER! See you on the other SIDE!”
I contacted the son and asked if they all confronted him this past weekend and he said he hasn’t seen him for a couple weeks so he’s not SURE where that angry text came from or how he’ll react once the house sells or is taken from him and he has NOTHING..(?)
NOW, I wonder~Do I get a PRE restraining order (if there even IS such a thing.) ???
Like I said, I felt GOOD exposing him but it may not FEEL good if he suspects I said something.
Ok….now that WAS waaaaay tooooo loooonnnng!!
Hopefully I am finished Sharing My Story!!!
With all due respect some of you give these people wayyyyy to much power and credit!!! They are like animals…. If they smell fear from you they will intimidate and attack!! Stand strong…. Be aggressive if you have to!! They are just mortal beings and can be taken down!! When I tell you my ex knows not to mess with me it’s a true statement!! Yes he’s a compulsive, pathological liar, a master deceiver and a user… He has mentally and emotionally abused me…. But let me tell you what that cost him: a damaged $1,200 custom made bike, twice the money he owed me ( I blackmailed him into signing a promissory note for double), it cost him a potential job that he needed because he was forced to resign his good government job of 8 years, texts, sexts and pictures sent to his wife ( whom he told me they were divorcing) and her family, letters to his parents outlining EVERYTHING ( Mom thinks he walks on water), I created a profile on 2 gay dating sites as him, and last but not least 2 weeks ago an Investigator from the police department called my job ( where he used to work) for a background investigation for a job as a policeman ( hilarious )!! No one wanted to speak to the Investigator on his behalf. I spoke with him…. And I told him exactly who they would be hiring along with emailed documentation!!! Fuck him!!! A sociopath running around with a gun and a badge is not a good look!!! The funny thing is he knew I had spoken to the Investigator and initially I did not say anything negative about him. I got an email stating: Cindy, I’m truly sorry for hurting you. I hope one day you can forgive me. Thank you for the positive words that you spoke for me. I hope you life continues to be wonderful and good things continue to happen for you. I wish you the best and take care of yourself. He really thought that would convince me NOT to tell the Investigator the truth about him… It did the opposite. I was FURIOUS!!!!! He’s not sorry about one damn thing!! He’s sorry that he was in a position where I held his future in my hands.. He has ignored me for months…. And yes I let him know that I fucked up his chances of becoming a police officer!!! I’m not a sociopath but I did not deserved to be hurt the way he hurt me AND although I loved him with all of my heart I made sure he paid dearly for deciding to enter my nice, calm life and turning it upside down!!! The moral of this story: don’t be a victim! They are afraid of people like me.
He can wait….. they have patience. Don’t think you are in control. He just allows you to think you are.
Believe me… he is not afraid of you!!
I wasn’t saying that he’s afraid of me…. What I’m saying is he know what I’m capable of if he does anything to me. It’s just not worth it to him. He’s lost a lot at my hands. It’s easier prey out there for him!!!
I thought this too…
@positivagirl…. Trust me Hun, he’s not waiting to do a thing to me!!! He’s knows that I’m not afraid and will fight back!!! It’s been a year since some of those things occurred…. NOTHING!!! AGAIN…. When they know that they cannot intimidate you they move on. His way of retaliating against me was to ignore me ( he is aware this hurts me more than anything ) and it’s what he did. I’m over that now…. In the last 30 days I’ve moved to a beautiful home, got a promotion at work, a 2nd part time job that I love, and am beginning to love life again!!! My life has improved so much after him and his is shit!!! Trust my words… HE WON’T DO ANYTHING TO ME!! The only thing he could possibly do to me is to suck me back into him then discard me again. I will NEVER let that happen again!!