Using love and fear to manipulate and control

The sociopath exploits his lack of emotions to control

When you first meet the sociopath, you are bowled over by his self confidence. This, mixed in with a stream of lies, can dazzle you into thinking that you have met somebody who is:

  • Successful
  • Confident
  • Ambitious
  • Moral
  • Good guy/gal

The sociopath has absolutely no fear. The reason for this, is because they do not feel emotions the same way as other non socio’s do. Most people in life, are ruled by two primary emotions:

  • Love
  • Fear

We are attracted to love, fear separates us. Love is freeing, fear is controlling, love is unconditional, fear is judgemental.



The sociopath is not ruled by either of these emotions and because he is not ruled by these emotions, he has the upper hand over the victim. The sociopath manages to control by manipulating others with these two emotions. It is quite a simple trick, when people try to work out what the sociopath is doing, they over complicate the analysis of the manipulation tools, and this can cause confusion.

Most people are ruled through love and fear, every day in their waking life. The sociopath, not feeling these emotions, is able to rule others simply by showering with fake ‘love’ and attention, or installing ‘fear’ and control. It is often said that the sociopath can have a Jekyll and Hyde   personality.

In it’s simplest form, what the sociopath is doing is switching, from controlling through love and fear.

You might argue, and say that there are lots of other emotions, that people feel. There are, but each of these emotions are ruled by the primary emotion of love and fear.

Because the sociopath is not ruled by emotions, because he has a lack of remorse, guilt or shame, he can powerfully control a person, simply by providing ‘love’ or installing ‘fear’. By wielding these emotions over the victim – the sociopath gains control. Which is the most important thing to the sociopath (to have control over the victim).

Preying on these emotions at each stage of the relationship game

A good example of this, is to look at the structure that the sociopath follows in a relationship, and what primary emotions are being used at each point:

  • Assessment (neutral whilst assessing)
  • Seducing (love)
  • Gaming (alternating between love and fear)
  • Ruining  (fear)

Why you are left feeling confused

Whilst the sociopath is in gaming mode, the victim is left confused. As the emotions that are ruled, alternate between love and fear, the victim is left confused. Does the sociopath love me, or hate me? When you decide that the sociopath doesn’t love you can make attempts to leave the relationship, and the sociopath will often immediately switch – to love again (the Jekyll and Hyde personality), alternatively, if you are determined to leave, the sociopath will move to final stage (ruining) – which is based on fear.

By manipulating the two primary emotions of the victim, the victim is left stunned and confused. Whilst one of the emotions (love) feels positive, the victim is drawn to this (we are all drawn to positivity it makes us feel good). The other emotion (fear) the victim is repelled from. This is why the sociopath will switch from controlling through love and then fear.

What separates sociopaths from the rest of society, is their inability to feel these primary emotions of ‘love’ and ‘fear’, and their lack of ability to experience these emotions. When you realise that the sociopath has faked these primary emotions, can feel quite alarming to the victim. If a human being does not feel these two emotions, how can they even be ‘human’  you question?

What the victim is left with, is a sense of confusion. your primary emotions have been played with. Where you have experienced when in gaming mode, is an alternate state of emotions of being controlled with ‘love and fear’ and therefore the Jekyll and Hyde personality is shown. This causes confusion.

If you have came out of the relationship with the sociopath, and are feeling confused. Go back through what has happened to you, and understand what has happened. It might feel sinister. As it is out of the norm for what you understand is right, appropriate and normal for a human being to be.

Our ability to experience Love and Fear, is what rules us. It is what teaches us the difference between ‘right and wrong’. Because the sociopath is able to fake these emotions, we are lured into a false sense of security, that the sociopath is actually feeling these emotions. We are being shown a mask, but without actual genuine feelings there is no depth of emotions it is simply an act used for manipulation and control.


11 thoughts on “Using love and fear to manipulate and control”

  1. I’m really thrown for a loop right now. I’ve been reading this website for a week and too much of it makes sense. I am just completely floored. I saw a domestic abuse counselor today who confirmed that it is classic abuse but didn’t know anything about sociopaths. I’m truly scared. For six years he has been gaming me. All the while I was going through the same thing with my ex! My ex got to the destroy stage again when we reviewed child support several years after separating.” H” watched every heartache, every fear, and I’m scared. I know why he’s always said, “I know more about you than anyone” – it uses to be comforting. Now it’s terrifying.

    I kicked him out two weeks ago. He is absolutely confusing kindness right now; he won’t say we broke up, he says we’re separated. I holding on to hope that I’ll return to supply him once more except I’ve got nothing left. I am a shell. ‘ve tried to leave so many times and so many ways through the years. He was always the only one who could pull me out of the pit, and now I know why. He put me in it to begin with. It’s darker than even he knows.

    Now I don’t know where to turn. He’s started the smear campaign years ago and very few people even take me seriously. My mind is hardly my own anymore. We have kids together. I’m pretty sure he’s using my eldest daughter in some same ways.

    I don’t even know if the sky is blue anymore. I don’t know if I’ll make it out of this. On either end.

    1. Hi smoo! Welcome to the site. Ok, read this post –

      You can recover from this. Even if your life has been burned to the ground. First of all you still have your children. So you can use this to get out. You say that he left 2 weeks ago. So you have safe haven. The process is about starting small and working with this. Do you have any family or friends around you? Or has he burned all of these bridges for you?

      1. I am in the final ruining stage and have run out if energy resources to fight it anymore. I realise everything has been a lie.

    2. I am going through all the same feelings and emotions as you. Totally devastated and broken. An empty shell. The worst day of my life having to realize the happiest day of my life was all a lie.

      1. Please tell me how you crawled out of this because I am distraught and lately in tears all the time. I have moments of strength but mostly I feel a pit in my stomach and hopelessness. I don’t feel like I will ever be ok. I want, so badly for him to love me and he promises every day to do so, but it never happens. My head is fully aware of what is happening, and i used to be very strong and independent, but after 7 solid years of being with a textbook sociopath, I sit and sob uncontrollably and if I didn’t have my son, I don’t think I would still be on this earth and would end my pain and suffering. Please help me help myself with any advice you learned on your journey. I can’t stand myself and am not able to find any peace or joy or contentment… Thank you! Me 😦

      2. Hi Lesley. Time. Time helps, but, it is more than that. It is about working hard on your own healing and recovery. NO CONTACT is essential. For a while, avoid mutual contacts.But don’t do this forever though. This is about protecting yourself, not living like a nun for the rest of your life.

        A good start for healing, are those places, people, friends, family, hobbies, likes and interests that you had BEFORE you met them. I cannot stress how important this is.

        Understand that it took some while to destroy, brainwash, mindfuck you and your life. It will take some time to undo this. You have to stay away from them.

        What i learned was that i was still stuck in the mindset that he gave me. I am no victim. I am not the person who he made out to be. This is why going back to what you love, and who loved and loves you from before you met, is SO important.

        Take it one day at a time. Focusing on GRATITUDE is also very important. Gratitude for the small things, for everything. This keeps your attention onto you. Read old posts here, from 2013, they are healing (I found) and others told me too.

        I know you are hurting right now. I promise you can fully heal and recover. You are not the person that you were turned into, you are YOU.

        Step one. Focus on gratitude. 2. Go back to the past. 3. Start to rebuild 4. Understand it takes time 5. Do things you love 6. be kind to yourself. 7. STICK TO NO CONTACT AT ALL TIMES

  2. It’s crazy how much of yourself you lose being with a sociopath! Like Smoo & Gamedefector I don’t know ME anymore. I’ve lived with a sociopath (he lives with me) for a year and a half now. Thankfully I found out fairly quickly and have told him to leave. We have gone through the first 3 stages listed here and I’m terrified that the “Ruining” stage is still to come! He says he’ll be out by the 1st, just 10 days from now. I’ve been careful with (most of) the personal information I’ve shared with him due to the nagging gut feeling I had, wish I listened to it! I’m being very sweet saying we will remain friends, though I have no intention of doing so, I’m just trying to get him out peacefully. Locks will be changed as well as my phone number. I’m biting my tongue, smiling and non-confrontational because whenever I get upset with him I see bits of the “ruining” surface and it scares me. Will he really leave peacefully? Will he try to ruin me? My God what a nightmare!

    1. Hi Debbie, yes you are right, you DO lose yourself being with a sociopath. They mould and shape you into who they want you to be. They destroy, manipulate, own and dominate what is left of your life, tarnishing it. I hope that you manage to get him out without any problems.

  3. I too was with one.. after reading this article I now believe he was a sociopath…I didnt think a person could pretend depth of emotion like that..the energy emitting from him at times..How could one fake that…ah I just don’t understand the point choosing not love but to control…How can you simulate anything if you don’t truly understand it’s origin.. To imitate it yet not know it..To trick with out knowing the trueness of love..but I guess I didnt know it NoW havin really experienced was truly revealed to me by God..i know some of you won’t understand.. but I hope after reading apart of me you’ll reach to understand..having him rescue me when I didnt really understand I was in deep trouble…sending everyway..speaking to me in every sense warning me.. snatching me up without warning as I fought the whole way..saving me hiding me from myself to a safe place of solitude.. sad crying from the loneliness.. but only then could I realize and wake up..I’m not alone he saved me..he’s here with me carrying me..patiently waiting for me to see..see me..know how precious is me..and he want gonna leave ME there..mad because he wouldn’t leave ME there in that quicksand trap of love..not realizing every time I moved I sunk deeper and deeper and only he God had the strength to pull me out…it was the darkest time…but because despite my fighting he saved me…bc I didn’t know how to trust him.. he showed me and reassured me…he didnt let go of me…and didnt make me feel ugly for being taken..and NoW yes NoW what I thought I would never get over..YES He, God, he set me free… I’m free from my sociopath..I’m free from what he thought he stolen from me and tried to instill in me… Find God.. better yet let him find you and..reach out your hand where ever you are and give it to him and he WILL FREE a YOU…YES you too ladies…say yes I ready to heal TOO…

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