Dating a Sociopath or Pyschopath? Book recommendation “Who are you?” Healing and recovery, please read this post.

How are you all doing today?

I apologise that I have not written in such a long time. This was for two reasons.

  1. Firstly I did not have a decent laptop, to write with.
  2. I needed to check into my own therapy, gain professional help and support, so that I was in a better place.

If you like my work, you might like This book. I know many of you have written to me, to thank me for the time I spent putting this website together. The author of this book, has became a good personal friend, who has helped me.

Who-Are-You-re

I want to share this book, and the story of how I met the author.  If the contents of this website make sense to you, the story within this book, also likely will too. It is almost a year to the day that I would meet the author of this book.

True story of me meeting the author of this book – May 2017

Even today, I am unsure how I ended up in that field, miles away from home. A year ago,I barely left my house, I had decided to travel, tens of miles away from my home, to somewhere I didn’t know, and to somewhere, that was remote (to me coming from the city) in the middle of the country side. I had agreed to erect tents with a view to working at a festival later in the summer.

I had initially agreed to erect the tents, on both the Thursday and the Friday with the understanding that this would later offer admission to the festival. However, after hard work in blistering sunshine on the first day, it became clear that there would be no payment. Neither would there be entrance to the festival. So, at the end of day on the Thursday, I informed the manager that I wouldn’t be returning the following day. I drove home without intentions of returning. I went to bed that night with the same thought.

Normally I am not too great at rising early in the morning. Despite this, the following morning, I woke early, to yet more sunshine KNOWING that I HAD to return to the farm to erect more tents. This made little sense to me. It had became obvious that I wouldn’t be paid, neither would I gain entry to the festival. So WHY did I want/need to go?

At this point in my life, I had not met anybody in real life who understood what I had experienced and neither did I expect to. How do you explain crazy without sounding crazy yourself?  I had ‘met’ many others online, but none in real life.

The following morning, I arrived early at the farm at around 9.00am. There didn’t immediately seem to be a reason why I was there. At around 11am, a female pulled up in her car. Later we began to talk… the conversation went like this. It was the most surreal thing…and I will never forget it.

Her: I was in a relationship with a psychopath

Me: Me too

Her: No, I was REALLY in a relationship with one, I have published a book about it.

Me: How odd, I have written a website.  I was writing while still in the relationship. 

Her: It was so bad I have PTSD.

Me: So do I

We both talked how we had both been in long legal cases for different reasons, and the impact this had had too. It felt like we had so much to talk about. The manager at the site separated us to erect different tents. Our conversation finished, but it had been striking. Suddenly, for the first time, I didn’t feel on my own, and I felt not only heard, but understood.

 

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As I left that day, we added each other on Facebook.

I was still nervous, and wary of people and so it was scary for me when she later contacted me and said that she had obtained work at the festival. Did I want to do it with her?  It turned out to be the perfect job. Not too difficult. Easy. Our shifts flew by as we talked and talked.

Since that time, we have kept in regular contact. We went to a few other things together, and Christmas this year was spent at her home with her friends. She has become a good personal friend of mine.

Ordering the book

I ordered the book myself after our meeting. Began to read, and was struck by how similar our stories were. The meeting online, the fake persona, the lies, how EVERYTHING was a lie. Even that our ex’s had faked being dj’s etc. The whole craziness that both of us had experienced. It was like she was me, and I was her. Although we weren’t, it was just that our experiences were so similar. I wondered if this is how it must have felt those early days when people found my website? My own experiences had mirrored theirs?

I remember walking up the hill at the festival. I said something about my ex, in a positive light (cognitive dissonance). At this point, I would have been stuck in those happy memories. Instead her response towards me was blunt, but accurate and true. No, he didn’t care about me. It wasn’t as I saw it. Not in my mind. He was using me for what he could get.

If I had received the same information from somebody who hadn’t been there,  through that experience with me, I would have felt further isolated and misunderstood. Only this was different. I started to feel the power, control, of my ex leaving my life. I was no longer on my own.

For me to write again

After months of working on myself, checking into therapy, and working on my life, I had felt ready to write again. But I didn’t have a working laptop. The nagging wouldn’t go away that I really needed to write again. So, being a fan of cosmic ordering  I yelled out to the Universe

“If you want me to write, you need to show me, as I do not have a computer. Not one that I can write on (mine was from 2009, had 4 keys missing and the battery did not work) – if you want me to write, I need a decent laptop. Can you please get this to me within two weeks?”

A week and a half later, I would see my friend again. My battery died on my phone. She sighed about this, as at Christmas she had bought me a battery charger for my phone. I had forgotten it. She offered to lend me her mac book if I needed to check anything online. I tried it and said I didn’t get on with it. It was too hard, I was used to PC based computers.

Then, something amazing happened. She said that she had bought a laptop to study for her degree, but didn’t get on with it. So she bought the mac book. She said this other computer had barely been used, and was like new, only a few years old. It was like Christmas day for me, when she got it out, and handed it to me. I worried about the cost, and could I afford it?

“How much do you want for it?” I asked.

“Oh, say £30?” She replied. “It doesn’t get used”.

 And so it was, I had a decent laptop again. Later that day another friend gave me a full copy of 2016 Microsoft Office. 

The gift of the laptop

The laptop would bring me far more than just an ability to write again. Additionally I was now able to access old files and documents that had been stored on The Cloud. I was surprised when I looked at notes contained on One Note and Evernote. I used to journal, events as they happened. I could see, how frightened I was. Yet, I was managing as I was ‘going through the motions’. Needing to survive.

If my work has helped you, it would mean a lot to me, if you could purchase Who are you? As meeting this person, and her book, has helped me. It would mean a lot to me, to give something back. Thank you.

As for me… it is now time for me to get my own work into a book. I am just unsure, do I write my own story? Or, do I put the contents of this blog into a book?

Any thoughts on this I would appreciate. Thank you! 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

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30 thoughts on “Dating a Sociopath or Pyschopath? Book recommendation “Who are you?” Healing and recovery, please read this post.”

  1. Perhaps one of the most socially crippling fall-out from being in a relationship with a Sociopath, is that in the telling of your experience…you sound like a crazy person.

    1. Absolutely Lynne. In the end I became silent and avoided everybody. I even displayed cognitive dissonance and told myself, that it wasn’t as bad as it actually was. I felt so isolated. While I could write about it, here on this website. I still didn’t know one person in real life that could relate to my experiences, without me sounding crazy myself. I hope you are doing OK.

      1. I dated one for 2 years and we were to marry. Then I had neck surgery and right arm was paralyzed pretty much, I could not pick a fork up to ear with or write a check. Well all kinds of people came to see me or call me to tell and give me all the information on the woman I was with. The last half of our last year I started picking up on stuff but it was comfirmed by those who told me all they knew she had done. I asked why did you not tell me bore – all said they were scared to because I was a huge and very strong body builder. I was so embarrassed where I lived, ashamed that some one could so good at lying, faking love and you know the rest. I was so hard on myself for letting some woman dope me. Dealing with a arm that did not work for several years and some woman making look the fool. No woman has ever doped me before or after this woman. Yes I would totally under stand all you say. It messed my head up. I’m so greatful she did not give me aids having so much sex, group sex-bother genders, or her with 6 males or more, lesbian and group lesbian sex. I had I standards and felt so low love knowing so many people knew this but me. She is the greatest actress ever. It made me fell so bad I got depressed plus my arm to. I totally opened up to her and gave all just for her – how can a person do this blows my mind. She stalked me 3.5 years and even called me 20 years later wanting to get in my good graces. They sure hate losing control plus being found out.

      2. Sounds like you went through a lot there Stephen. 20 years later. I think they have a book of exes that when chips are down with current victim they skim through, just in case. I think this type of person cannot be on their own. They have to have another life force to thrive off of. I think that embarrassment of what has happened. Also, how they play on what they do not have, namely the ability to feel the same, and feel shame, can keep you emotionally paralysed. They also like to prey on you when you are at your most vulnerable. Which it sounds you were with your physical health. I hope you told her strongly to jog on 20 years later, and that your life is doing a lot better.

    2. You are absolutely correct with that. People do think we are the crazy ones . Maybe we are? Maybe we do become a little crazy?
      Or, maybe we aren’t crazy and everyone else is and they don’t want us to find out?

      1. Lol, well… it drove me crazy for sure. Am not sure about everyone else being crazy and they don’t want us to find out. But the comment made me laugh.

    3. Hi Lynne, I’m also a Lynne 😀
      I can see exactly where you’re coming from on crazy!!
      Everyone my ex encountered thought he was nuts, but when you leave ,it seems you’re the one who appears nuts,as he’s done a convincing job on them.
      In the early days of leaving,(2014) I felt the need to talk to close friends and try and explain my ex’s behaviour….it was seriously bizarre😳
      Today I’m a different person,I left my ex a mouse, and became a tiger…lol!
      Not literally,but I’m assertive now, no one treats me like an idiot any longer!
      The only thing that remains is odd,sometimes I can’t remember the date of the month,but every lie,everything he made me do is etched in my brain.
      Luckily I’m now in another relationship with a non sociopath.
      I hope you’ve been able to move forward as well Lynne.
      Sending positive vibes to you 😘X

  2. Interesting. I have met other people who have had relationships with men with antisocial personalities that eventually became physical which spurred them in to leave, but haven’t met many who were as emotionally/mentally ensnared as much as I was. It would feel really good to meet someone who really understood trauma-bonding. Because, that’s the most shameful part for me. The suffering caused by this feels like it has permanently damaged me. So glad you’re back!

    1. Hey Rachel, It is good to be back.

      I also experienced trauma bonding. Cognitive dissonance. Stockholm Syndrome even. I remember walking in the festival. I said to her, ‘I really miss him sometimes, as he did make me laugh. We did some funny things together’.

      Her response was blunt, but flat and honest, and brought me straight back. That no. It wasn’t as I saw it. How I saw it, was how he designed and manipulated my head to see it.

      I think that is the point. That they have the power to manipulate the mind so much, that we almost lose the power to think for ourselves or to trust our own judgement.

      What happens when we are not making decisions for ourselves, is that we stop creating our own lives too. I can honestly say in all of my life, I always had the power to work towards goals, and to manifest dreams. The only time that was impossible, was the time that I was with him, and for the lengthy time recovering from the damages to me.

      It isn’t shameful at all, although I respect how you feel. I too felt that way. How could we feel that we ‘needed’ anyone who treated us so badly? These people are practiced at their art. They have tried and worked on plenty of victims in their lives, they study their victims, closer than you would study yourself. They know all of your chinks and all of your armour and they know exactly how to disarm you, and to remove you from what would provide reality, and instead replace this with their own disturbed sense of reality.

      1. Ohhh my gaaawddd.. this makes so much sense Postiveagirl, We stop CREATING our Own Lives, so sad, I had a “block”on my dreams and goals too for so long. They DRAIN YOU, literally, mentally, emotionally & physically!! It’s taken me Years to see this, and process it!! I felt so BETRAYED by him, Myself even.. Well glad to see You back,Thanks for Emails!! PS, the last REPLY was to Rachel’s post about Trauma bonding, oops it’s late!!lol..

      2. Exactly. When you think about it. You then have a mind set, which is created by them, which is negative. As they steer the course of your mind. I strongly believe in the law of attraction. During that time I stopped manifesting anything good. More bad came my way. It felt like I was stuck. So….. I would look backwards, as at least SOMETHING happened, and sometimes it ‘appeared’ to be good. When you are truly free, you are no longer living in fear. You start to regain control over your own thoughts. You stop limiting yourself. You don’t look back anymore, and I think this is the link where trauma bonding stops. You see, Sociopaths and Psychopaths can continue to keep a ‘hold’ over you, long after the time that they have left.

        To begin…. is to focus on the small things. To focus on gratitude. As hard as that is, gratitude for the small things in YOUR world. This will bring back attention to you, and your own world.

    2. I totally feel you, trauma bonding.. I’m so emotionally crushed& paralyzed by this Pain.
      I am so glad I found this Site, I have read things that EXACTLYYY describe what I have been through with my ex sociopath!! I’m glad to know I’m not alone, for so many years I just felt stuck.. I finally moved out but continued to sleep with him for too many years after, afraid to “trust another man”!! I am almost 40 and just this last year, have started to “wean”myself off. Sounds sick I know, why have Sex with a Man that doesn’t Love you& LIED to you for almost a Decade!!!???!!! What is WRONG with me? I am learning to heal, and “Believe in Myself” again and I know the “Universe” is good with just a “few bad apples”.. wtf did We have to pick em though?? Life lessons? Hard ships to make Us Stronger? Or to be more Sympathathic? Not sure if there is Rhyme or reason as to “Why” bad things/people sometimes JUST HAPPEN& why how do these people really exist?? I have so many questions and wonders in My Mind.. but most of the time I can’t “wrap”my head around “the pain” to actually DEAL WITH IT!! I am trying to UN STUCK myself, I feel like I been on AUTO PILOT for way too long!! Hope this post relates or helps someone, don’t mean to keep Going on n on, so much to vent(it’s been bottled up) hard to talk about it without sounding like a “crazy” person yourself, it’s unreal really!! Thank God for Love, Strength&Prayers&&BLOGS, BOOKS AND ONLINE for me to connect to all this ,or I’d be lost more than I am!!

      1. Mariah, we didn’t pick them. They totally picked us. Because we are good and loving, they chose us to feed off of and use. I’m so grateful I found this site- I’m really glad you’re back positivagirl. You have helped me more than I can express. Keep sending out those positive vibes!

      2. Thank you Sherrie. You are right they picked us. I am going to be writing a lot more now. I finally have a computer to write with. I have already written a post that I was going to publish today, but I think I might save that one, and write another. That I think will be more fun and uplifting, also containing some practice tools for everyone to use. That I really do believe works.

  3. Definately write your own story. There are so many out there from an outsider/phycologist view, i’m sure it would reach further and wider coming from your first hand experience.
    Welcome back online, i’ve missed reading 🙂

    1. I STILL get jedi mind tricked from time to time. I’m still close but have as little contact as possible.
      Where the kids are involved, Him: “we spoke about this weeks ago why I can’t do that day”.
      Me: No you didn’t because I wright Everything down and it’s not there.

      The difference is, I had to write everything down because I was made to feel I was going crazy and was forgetting things. I’ve only keep doing it because my life is now more organised this way not because I was accused of “forgetting things” 🙂

      1. Well done to you for writing it down. There lies your power!!!

        Now his lies cant trip you up. You are regaining control. Getting a laptop I was able to see journal entries that I was writing back to 2012/11 even. Events that had been wiped from my mind. It was quite shocking some of the things that I read. The truth and reality, that we filter out sometimes, just to survive.

  4. 4 yrs on after my break up with a sociopath im stuck and cant get my life back together. Im scared to trust people again. Im not the woman i use to be, my life has fallen apart. I live on my own with my 3dogs. Run a great business. Behind close doors i have anxiety, low depression, miss being with a companion, honestly i dont know how to get my life back as it use to be. Yet hes moved on and in a new relationship.

    1. its almost 3 years for me – I have the worst anxiety. used to be very social and now unless i have to work, or have a family function, I hide at home. just slowly getting myself back out.

  5. I am one month out of an abrupt end of a sociopathic relationship. I am so grateful for this blog, it resonates with me in a way that a lot of other ones (books, articles, discussions, videos, etc) cannot. I feel the ONLY way to understand what this is like is to have experienced it. No one I care about has a clue-not enough to confide in-not in the same way as we do with one another here. Thank you for your beautiful writing about this topic. I am going to reread all your posts. Even my therapist is like OMG…but this feels so much more comfortable here, reading these words that exactly make sense to me. Discussions of the mind that go on inside of us that make us feel like we are going mad. I need this. I know it will be a long time recovering.

    1. Hi Empath. Thank you for your kind words. It is tough being an Empath, as you want to help. Also, the trap being an Empath with a true Sociopath/Psychopath is that they do not have real emotions. As Empaths pick up others emotions as their own, this can be quite stressful. It can therefore feel very different with a sociopath, as you feel peace from feeling someone elses emotions. On top of this they tell you exactly what they think you want to hear. And they play victim well, and you want to help. It is a recipe for disaster. As we find it hard to leave people broken or unfixed, we can stay far longer than we should. Sending big hugs, you can heal and recover.

  6. Thank you for your comments, what gives me the most hope is that you have moved on…several on here have and that right now seems a distant reality. Not impossible, but distant…I was a prime target as an empath-I might as well have had a flashing light on my profile, “sociopaths welcome”. Each time I thought his behavior was inappropriate or disorderly, another fantastic sob story regarding his horrific childhood in foster care emerged. Stories where he wept uncontrollably and he described the starvation and neglect he endured. Even described hearing his own sister being murdered in another room while in one of these foster homes after being raped repeatedly. He often heard her screams in his sleep, and it caused him to have PTSD and panic attacks. I have wept for both this child, and for him many times and felt deep sorrow..only to learn ALL of it was a lie. If I had not witnessed his complete and utter anguish with my own two eyes, I could not have believed such a dreadful story. I could have NEVER dreamt something like that could be faked except maybe in a sad movie by a professional actor. This guy was extremely polished and used an alias and manipulated multiple people to validate his identity to me over the 5 years I saw him. Turns out he was married and every single thing I knew about him was a lie. Not even my closest friends, ones who got to know him pretty well, or my family really can understand well enough to help me. I am so glad I found this site.

    And for now, at least, I still find myself suffering the loss of the illusion of the man of my dreams-the memories of all the fun times and laughs we had together. “Cognitive dissonance”…this is a term I shall research now. I am completely NC and have no intention of breaking it, I have reported him to the police and he will be arrested if he gets anywhere near me or my children. And I know the positive thoughts will dissipate as time goes on (5 weeks now) but it is still fresh and painful right now. It isn’t something you just get over. It isn’t anything like a normal break up. You are left questioning your own perceptions of reality, as Martha Stout said in her book “The Sociopath Next Door”. I too feel antisocial and withdrawn and am having a very hard time relating to people and being a mom. I am sucked into my own head by thoughts of questions that have no answers and staggering around from the abrupt cessation of an intense relationship. That, and how did I allow this to happen? I am very ashamed of my participation, in my failure to react decisively when I clearly should have. All things you are discussing here, really grateful for all of you.

  7. Hey Empath,
    That is one of the worst and disgusting things i’ve read a spath do.
    Just wanted to say that it really will get better. In reality i’m still in the same place and situation I was a few years ago. The difference is now, I am wiser and non-reactive to the BS, woes and tales. It’s been a long road (and with the help on anxiety tsblets) but rather than waiting for the next thing to happen, cowering as a nervous wreck, i’m living my life and good things are happening.
    He is just someone I used to know and live with, not my future. That path is now mine and mine alone.
    Still a lot of confidence to get back but compared to a few years ago, life is good. You’ll get there,Empath, we all will, just focus on YOU and your kids, not him.

    1. Also Empath, you may never get the answers to your questions. There is no logic to it except pure selfishness.
      Mine was in constant competition with me, personally, career wise etc and is practically living my life as it was a few years ago.
      Do you know what? He can have it because life is too short. I’ve moved onto bigger and better things and he’s left behind still living in his warped fantasy world.

  8. Because of his aliases and the way he spent money I feel certain my sociopath is involved in far more than being a sexual predator on online dating sites. The police are still looking into him-he has access to nursing homes as an entertainer and two of these elderly ladies were tricked by him to claim one was his mom, and the other one was her mom’s best friend. When I learned his real identity I saw his real mother online. He also introduced me to his sister, also an actress or someone he has at his bidding. He has no sister. The extreme lengths he went to- to fool me in this way was extraordinary. He did not steal from me either, and he could have. What he did was bad enough, but the hardest part is coming to terms the entire five years was an elaborate HOAX. I will accept that eventually but for now, I am just dazed and confused. I exposed him once I identified him to his wife, his gay lover (also learned he was bisexual and in a relationship with a male- 3 out of the 5yrs I dated him) and to every person on his fake FB acct I could find. I changed my locks and blocked him on my devices, he was logged into my Google, my facebook, and my phone without my permission. I alerted my work, the schools my kids attend, and the neighborhood watch with his pix and pix of his auto. He will be arrested if he comes anywhere near me. I could file a civil suit against him with all the evidence I have for emotional damage but my main thing is I just want him looked at by law enforcement to find out what he is actually doing to earn money. He threw cash around and I fear it is something highly illicit. Once I wrap up my police work, I intend on focusing on my recovery, hope to find the person I lost within this madness. It is hard right now digging through all these files, videos, pictures to stop thinking about anything else.

  9. Um, that person, meaning ME. I lost ME. I lost an illusion of someone who loved me too, but it is ME I am interested in finding.

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