Stop deluding yourself!

If you have found my website and are reading, I am assuming that perhaps you are in pain. Either you are trying to understand what has happened to you, are feeling bad about yourself, and also a sense of sadness, that the perfection that was sold to you, was in fact a lie.

Is your heart hurting? Are you thinking about the good times? Are you reminiscing in your head, and thinking about what could have been?

If you are not, then perhaps this post is not for you.

If you are, then read on.

First of all, the first thing that I want to tell you is that the person that you are feeling sad over is about as real as….


You know those thoughts that are going through your mind? You are doing a re-run in your head of the illusion that was sold to you. The lie. When you get the picture of him in your head. I want you to transfer this picture to this:


No! I am not saying that YOU are a joke. You are the normal one here remember? In your mind you have the thoughts of:

i love you  (1)



These were the dreams that you were sold. These were the promises that you were given. It meant nothing.  But it isn’t you.

You are the one who was real. You are the one who gave everything, with all of your heart. You were the one who shared your life, your home, your finances. You were the one who was putting in real actions to fulfil your dreams.

But in reality – whilst you thought you were getting this:


What you were actually getting was this:


And this:


And this:


Oh, and if you are still stuck on the ‘flowers and heart stuff’…. lets not forget this too…



Can you really forget those words that were said? The lies that were told to you? The control?

Remember also the …

The sociopath uses a number of tools to manipulate.

The sociopath uses a number of tools to manipulate.

Am I getting through to you yet? Or are you still stuck at ….???? This picture is the LIE!! This is what you were sold, this is the lie that you were sold…. and this picture in your head will hold you back!!


If you are stuck with that picture in your head….. remember….


Are you smiling yet? I hope so. This was the poem that helped me the most. I read this over and over. And it is really true.

Compulsive Liar

Everything that comes out your mouth is hot and black like treacle,
Never once have you said anything other than anything deceitful.
You’re poisonous and toxic, dangerous and deceptive,
Consuming all around you and so relentlessly receptive.
Swallowing each indiscretion and choking on your fumes,
While all around you are but pawns for your own use.
Stained with the vague idea that you are a ‘person’
In reality I watch as your psychosis gradually worsen.
The only thing I know for sure; your gender and your name,
Behind closed doors and cold surfaces I watch you shift the blame.
The feelings that you say you feel are all just a charade,
Never once have you been genuine, never let down your guard.
But I’m the one whose laughing now, I’m the one that’s real,
I have the ability to love and to care, the ability to feel.
You’ll never be more than a shadow, a watery reflection in the mirror,
And by default I am everything you’re not; I’ll always be the winner.

Lucy Godden :
This is the reality. Everything else is a lie. If you are hurting now, and thoughts are going through your head of roses and flowers. I want you to remember the truth in your mind. If the positive thoughts come in to bring you pain. Swap that thought with Ronald Mcdonald and laugh.
It might not seem funny what you have been through. But later in your life’s journey you will see the point, and see the purpose. One day you will look back and be thankful for the wisdom that you have gained. If, in your mind, you go back to the hearts and flowers, the hurt and  the pain. Remember just how much did this person cost you?
Realistically this person was a parasite. Who lived off you, fed off you, took all that they could. The reason it is over? Is because you grew STRONG!!!
There will be the
confusion (1)
And there might be…..
As you look at the past.
It is now time to do:
no contact 2
You need to focus on YOU….. to focus on …..
Stop being …..
And accept the harsh reality that there is …..
no change
When you do this…. there will be….. recovery…..
This post was written, from my heart. This blog was written from the time I started it. With the sociopath still in my life. Every single post was written as a trigger to a thought, whilst he was in my life. And every photo is a photo that is on this blog, in a post. Somewhere. Where somewhere he reminded me of something and I posted it to you.
I hope that what I have written in my blog has helped you. I hope that me, being right there, with a sociopath, writing as it happens, has helped you, to clarify some confusion, about the sociopath.
If you ever wondered – how do you write so accurately, exactly as it is? How it feels…. this is why….. because, until today he was still in my life. And I was writing as I observed the behaviour.
Now…. we have parted company. so, if I write, it will be retrospectively. I have learned a lot. All that he taught me. I hope that I have helped somebody to understand the insanity that is really true, when you date a sociopath!!! :)

53 thoughts on “Stop deluding yourself!”

  1. Oh my gosh….I am in such shock!! FINALLY I have found something that describes the last 10 years of my life PERFECTLY!! I am so tired of feeling like I am the crazy one and always being hurt and always having to defend myself. I have been treated with NO empathy, NO compassion, NO love, NO understanding… many words have been twisted and manipulation has plagued me! Now, the recovery part….I feel like its harder than it seems. I guess because I feel so alone and quite insecure (which of course is how he wants me to feel). The dreams I had before I met him ARE still there but boy….I surely thought they were gone. In fact, I almost couldnt remember what they were. It is scary to think that I gave SO much to a sociopath. WOW……

    1. Hey Regina,

      Thanks for your email. I don’t know whether the person you were with is a sociopath, but nonetheless, if the person made you feel bad about you, and was controlling, this was not a good relationship for you. A relationship should enhance you, not destroy you!

      Ten years is a long time. You will have to rebuild, as anyone would. As who you were before you met the sociopath would have changed anyway – people do in a decade. Be realistic with your recovery. Remember if it hurts, this is the negativity leaving your body (you know like when you quit smoking) they leave you almost addicted on them, by creating dependency, so that you think that you cannot function on your own.

      But you can – and you will emerge stronger!! I will continue to write about healing and recovery – which is good to read whether the person you were with was a sociopath, or somebody else who just didn’t treat you right.

      You too, can heal your life!! 🙂

  2. thank you for your post. i just ended at 10 year relationship with a sociopath. i have accepted that he was fake the whole time and used me. but now iam very very scared about the underlining damage this may have caused me. i mean who has a realtionship with a sociopath for a decade and comes out “normal”. i also feel extremely stupid because while I always knew something was terribly wrong I never actually knew what was going on for 10 years. I thought I was smarter than that. I really believed he loved me the way i loved him. the fact that i have been abused is a hard pill to swallow because i always thought i was a strong person. maybe thats why i stayed so long, fighting for this relationship. i dont know…but thanks, reading your post helps a lot.

    1. Hi Cassie, 10 years is a long time! This will take some considerable focus on you, and your own recovery. There are quite a few people who have also been in a relationship with a sociopath for the same lengths of time, who are in different stages of recovery. Welcome to the site. You still are a strong person you just have to reach out and find you again. Only No contact will help you with this.

    2. Hi, Cassie,

      I ended an 8 year relationship with a sociopath nearly 2 years ago, and to be honest I’m still struggling. I don’t know if 2 years is an unusual amount of time to pass and still be upset, but then again, I don’t know if there is a “normal” when you’ve been manipulated by someone for as long as you and I were!

      My situation was horrible, as they all are. Every post/comment that I read is a situation that I dealt with on a daily basis. Even as I write those words, “I dealt with,” in the back of my mind I hear my sociopathic ex saying, “why aren’t you writing that you did this stuff to yourself?!” And the sick thing is, part of me still believes it. I still feel that I was culpable in some way for his ridiculous behavior, and I wasn’t.

      I went to counseling for several months after ending the relationship, and it TRULY helped. I never believed it would. It was my counselor in fact, who helped me see that my ex is a diagnosable sociopath (important to mention that a mental health professional can not diagnose a person that he or she is not seeing as a patient!….but I’m sure all of you intelligent lovelies already knew that!)

      According to credible psychiatric studies, there are 7 distinctive qualifications/traits of a sociopathic (for more information, just google ‘7 traits of a sociopath,’ and make sure you go to a sight with .edu, .org, The American Journal of Psychiatric Disorders, or the American Journal of Psychology) In order to be diagnosed, a person only has to fit with 3 of those qualifications. Before even discussing the possibility that my ex was a sociopath, my counselor asked me to create a list of everything he had ever done, said, etc. At the time, she wanted me to put in print his abusive behavior as a way for me to see him in a more black-and-white light. My list was 18 pages long.

      Prior to establishing her private practice, my counselor worked for several years trying to rehabilitate prisoners at Huntsville State Prison with little success. Sociopathy was practically the theme of her early career years, and she offered an intelligent, personal and academic viewpoint on the disorder.

      After reading through my 18 page list, my counselor became extremely concerned. She then introduced the topic of sociopathy to me, and explained the 7 traits of a sociopath. At the end of the hour, she asked me to go home and re-order my list into those 7 categories. When I was done, I realized that my ex did not fit 3 of the qualifications in order to be diagnosed a sociopath. HE BLEW ALL 7 QUALIFICATIONS OUT OF THE WATER.

      It helped me immensely to be able to put an unofficial label on his personality. Until that time, I just thought he was indescribably selfish, abusive (physically, mentally/emotionally and sexually). Two years later, what helps me the most is to remember that he is not “fixable.” He’s not going to come running back apologizing and explaining himself, and if he were to (which is always possible – doesn’t it seem that these guys don’t quite ever disappear? They lurk….) it would all be a LIE.

      The best predictor of past behavior is future behavior, Cassie. And, this statement is NEVER more true than when you’re talking about a sociopath. Cut communication. You will still think about him, and that’s the truth. I don’t want to lie to you. But, if you still communicate with him in any way, he will know that you think about him, and he will think that he can come back to get whatever the hell it is they want.

      Part of you may want him to come back, but that’s the part that was sold a dream. That dream is not reality, and I know you know that. Take care of yourself, and do it by moving on. Eventually, your heart will catch up with your head. I know mine will, too.

    3. I hear so much of what I am going through with these posts. They are little boys. They will never have anything. Not love. Not family. Not even themselves. They are hollow human beings, with no inner core.
      Its a damn shame. If I could get through this I could get through anything.
      Thank you for your blog.

  3. You have done a fantastic job dissecting, analzying and putting into perspective a very complex topic, this has been hands down the best website pertaining to this you have made me cry, realize and accept. But, most importantly that im not crazy actually he is 🙂 im still healing cause as you know this is a big pill to digest. Most importantly I must learn to trust myself and not be so fast in thinking something is wrong with me ex: I always felt horrible buying him gifts because of how my mom treated me these are two seperate issues he would always say things like your mom really messed you up but its ok im here I love you, a bunch of bullshit, one I had already worked through those issues but because I felt so bad and there is no way this perfect man cant be undeserving of my money lets dig up some old issues deflecting

    1. Thank you Lisa, your comments really made me smile!! 🙂 I think as I wrote it as I was going through it (repeatedly) I was able to write as I saw it. I used nothing else except the behaviour that I observed. So -I think it is fairly accurate (as he would repeat the behaviour….I would go to write…. and I already had. And the post I was going to write – was already written) 🙂

    2. And also more importantly…. YES you are right. Meeting a compulsive liar – will teach you to learn to trust yourself. And also that you are worthy of listening to YOU – nobody else!!!

  4. I have been with a sociopath ten and half years , we also have a eight year old daughter together. I had everything when i met him financial stability,own home,good job and also a brand new car. After eight years being on my own after a divorce which I did not take a penny from. I did not date for the whole time i took to recreate my life. Now ,i am in bad health,lost an eye, disabled through him ,lost my job through him,lost my home, and worse of all from being a honest person he left me with a criminal record which I had to take the blame for.He bled me dry,had a nervous break down butt through every th I g he never showed any compassion. Last month i was in hospital for meningitis, he came to visit with my daughter ,at that time he was still living g with me But the picture in my head is how he was sitting next to the bed and his Eyes is the picture i will always remember. No matter what his needs came first,he came to complain he did not have any money for this that and could I arrange for my son go give him money to function for his job.
    He was not interested in me never once did I see him show any concern for me ,It was always about HIM.
    November 19 2013 he told me he was going away to work in a boot camp in Bournemouth for a week ,as he was going go give us a fab Christmas and also going to get money for me to go to Singapore to see my sister who is been given a very short time to live due to terminal cancer. He said i want you and your daughter to say goodbye go your lovely sister. I will be there with you all the way holding your hands supporting you my darling.

    He kissed me and my daughter on our foreheads and said book due my loves,daddy will be home soon !!



  5. I am in the Newcastle upon Tyne . I think he must have been going to Heathrow to meet this woman . They must have been in London for a a day or so before he took her to Spain to meet his mother,they were living g Sith his mother for a week than they flew back to Bristol and drove back to Swansea to meet his twin identical brother who is also a sociopath. They lived in his brothers home for a week than she flew back home. While he stayed on in Swansea.

    Every day he rang me up three times a day but the conversations were all hurried and saying he was very tired after work and he wanted to go to bed as he was not feeling well. There were emails too everyday saying he loved and missed us and could not wait to get home . His work was going very well and he already sold three adjustable beds in three days . A week later i caught up with him in Spain actually i was on her Facebook page she did not realise it was me. She was telling me she was in Spain with her boyfriend and how wonderful blah blah hew was ,he was a very handsome English guy and he came from an extremely influential family in England . After Spain he was taking her to meet his family in Wales. I chatted and told her my husband came from Swansea in Wales but he was English too, then i changed my profile picture to a picture of both of us. She suddenly became quiet, i had his Facebook on which had the same picture on it and said he was married to me. Next minute that picture went blank. He rang me and asked me ‘ why could I not just leave things alone ,this is typical YOU . You just have to dig dig dig !! Then I was asking him questions and he was avoiding them and saying to me ‘what are you going to do about it ,i do not live with you ,you are a crazy woman !! Then he told her see what i mean ,No body would want to live with her she is just mad,can you hear her !! I could hear her in the background. He was still saying i told you before I do not want go live with you any more,i found my love of my life, i do not as t to be with a woman with one eye !!!!

    At this point i slammed the phone down as i was just disgusted with him. He was just avoiding g my questions which were ‘Have you told her you are still living g with me and told me you were going to work ‘. But was having this conversation to himself for her benefit which was e Trent degrading go me. Well you read the messages above. When she left the room , he rang me telling me he lived me very much and still wanted to be with me ,it is now o Sr between them she has KEFT him,in five minutes hates after i hung up on him. He is so sorry and feels my pain blah blah !!
    I thought i would play his game too. The whole day he kept ringing me saying sorry and things . I was upset that day but really i had spent three years sleep I g on the couch since he started his internet affair with her, chased him out of our home he returned after six-month pro.using e had to wished it but no it was on obviously going on two and half yeArs on. In the last year he has been very distant with me ,he would beg me to come to bed with him and come down to the living room massaging my feet but i used to turn him down. While this was all happening g of course there has been commotions in our home which was affecting every or i including our daughter who was bed wetting. There was constant FIGHTING as i was want I wanting go know why he was not finishing off with her and I would ask him to leave . He would go to his friends home who was just like him and then he would come home home every day begging to come back. Each time promising there was nothing going on. Once he lived out for three months and did not want to come home . As he was constantly on Skype with her after work early hours our time . The fights got so bad that once he threw a cup at me it hit me on the head and I started bleeding. The police was called as i was bleeding profusely but did not need any sutures as it was only soft tissue . I did not press charges but my daughter witnessed it . Social services were called in but i managed to stem that down aS i am in the same line . It was him they were highlighting as the risk factor NOT me
    Or my son. In fact they were quite i.pressed with my son and how he cared for his sister and the close bond between her and her older brother. He was grateful that i had saved him from not being able to see his daughter,he said you sure know your stuff. I told him this is my bread and butter,surely i can advocate for him . At this meeting there were senior officials from children’s services and I asked them them if i could chair the meeting.
    After that he promised me No mire foolishness and he now knows how close he was going to lose his FAMIKY that he had taken FIR granted. So he moved back again and we worked at it, rather i worked st it but he still used his work as an excuse to stay out all day from 9-11pm everyday except Sundays where he was always tired exhausted. HD took me grocery shopping and then we went out for a meal which I paid for every week. I also paid for the food and house bills. He complained ed that all his sales cancelled he was broke week after week it was the same story. I had to pour petrol,pay his insurance buy top up for his phone and cash in hand. He would pay back four weeks later but by this time he had run up a bill quite a large sum. Previously i would never ask for the money back as i always felt we ere FAMIKY but after i discovered this crazy woman and him. I became very stringent with my money. Iwould always pay the rent and buy food but never give him money for free. He would eventually give me back the money and give me a £100 here and there every six weeks but never any more than that. But he was always buying himself clothes and shoes This year he bought
    me an adjustable bed from his company to some rose bushes and some clothes which was non existent in the last two years. He even took me to Alnwick Garden for the day which I have been asking go go for ten years . But each time we argued he would say if i did not live you shy would i be here ? Why would i do this that ,highlight every little thing he did but downplay my efforts in keeping the FAMIKY .
    But no matter what the rift between us was getting bigger i could feel it, he was ok to tAke me out with our daughter but when i asked him if we both could go out T night for some special quality time . Gracious SAY next Saturday we can go here there . But it would never happen When the time came he would make excuses of not having money or if i wanted to go see his type of movie. I never wanted to because i felt he should be making an effort for me not me again making him feel special and doing his thing as usual.
    Because everything g even the furniture in our home is what he wants i have got no choice in it . Like all sociopaths he isolated me from friends,if i said my sister given few months to live he would say ‘ we all got to die some time ‘. Then walk away without batting an eyelid , i was always gobsmacked.!!!
    Our relAtionship even though has been difficult because of all the problems he brought in to it ,we always had special Times together ,he bought me nice clothes,took us on holidays though he did his own thing and i had to look after the baby all day ..I always felt like a the unpaid babysitter !!
    I never felt i had a holiday i was always grateful to ho back to work as it gave me some freedom and time away from him to be myself. But now without work life has been very difficult fir me as he sold my car, after he used it and it broke down he said he scrapped it.
    I got no friends,isolated and only go out on a Sundays when he takes me to the grocery shopping g. So from s professionalwoman he has now downgraded me to a completely moron I think.
    Year by year our relationship seems to be deteriorating g due to his online affair,even though th I vs have improved on the home front a bit with him buying clothes on two occasions for his daughter and buying the bed and clothes for me but i was still not happy as we were still just growing further apart. I kept getting malicious phone calls at home when i was alone or with my daughter but be Dr when he or my son was there. I kept telling him he kept saying i was going crazy as it never seems happen when others were at home but our daughter also validated them. I had them every year since i have known him and he used to take them seriously but now he had a strange smile on his face. . As i am Wright g go this since i git home from Christmas shopping with my son and daughter at half seven and it is nine pm now he has rung five times already. But we do not answer his calls he has been email I g me since this woman went back but he just gets abusive as he will not take the blame for it saying i drove him to it with my constant shouting st him. But when i ask him why was i shout I g and did I shout st him previously he just ignores it. I have spoken to him but all he wants to do is have his way come back here and co to us living herd like notbi g has happened ignoring g the fact that he brought this woman from China here. When i say no he is not co.I g back and his daughter been upset st school social services involved ,this happened while he was in Spain and i told him to attend every meeting but he has ignored .e say i am threatening him . Then from being nice saying i love you that woman was nothing he then becomes nasty and says he is going to marry this woman and his FAMIKY says Garcialiveky . His mother says this this this about me and i am a black birch and why need to go Sith black person when he can go Sith limelight coloured skinned girl Sith money . A FTER all i was now a wash held person with no future any more. This woman is blah blag !

    So mow i have had NC for five days now as he is just going from one extreme to another then ringing me when he has an audience when i told I’m not go .I can hear his brother call I g me racist names at the back and they all. Including him winding g me up and making me angry and then i shout and cry all day long. This ho on all day and stArts as early as 9am in the morning g till past ten st night. Then there are emails ,from one extreme to the other as us us.. He also sent me an email on purpose . This was like he made a mistake supposed to be for his new Mark ond accidentally sent it o me. It is very personal intimate details of how he missed their sex . Then he would send another email back oh i am sorry it was not meant for you it was meant for her.Did that make you jealous ? I sent a reply No, wish for me is to be happy that i got rid of a scrum bag and that you got some one else now You are her problem.
    Now .!!!!!

    I am glad i got NC as he is just making th I vs difficult for me ,threatening me if i go to lawyers or social workers he got recordings of me which he SILL give them and a mental health record of me.

    Which is all rubbish as i do not swear neither have i had any mental health pro lens i .My life. He has been my only problem .
    If I did mot play ball with enter all will be exposed .
    Wrote back Be my guest . Also said i infirm YOU of social workers meeting a o he can attend he says that is a threat ,what does he call this ? Told him i was NC.
    I now call the other women his Mark his next hustle , and also say yes sociopath to him. He knows i refer to him as that when he lived here.

    But this year on my birthday he came home at 7pm i had got a this was in August , he had no got me a present or a card which he never has except or one in the early days. He went up came back DOWNstairs announced that he was going to London to fight as he had an interview the next day which was a Saturday and Monday was a bank holiday. He said he would be home next day around 3pmand he only got hold about it hEld an hour ago. I told I’m i did not know he was looming fir a new job and an i interview on a bank today weekend ?

    He did not answer expected me to put on some food I had prepared in the fridge. I gold him if he wanted he had to go make his own dinner or put something out if the freezer. While my kids and me just continued barbeque, my daughter was crying when he left i just ignored him and took her to the back garden. I thought o myself he always does this SHEN there is a birthday in our home even his daughters or if we have friends over.
    Last year on his daughters birthday he said he would join us at the restaurant,we waited three hours he did not turn up,we are and came home’ he never bothered calling up. Then he disappeared for two weeks and i found out he was in Thailand from . A PHONE conversation.
    The previous year he helped clean the house get the party stuff ready for her party and as the guest started arriving he said he got go go to see a client as there is a small pro Ken and it was only in the next housing estate. He disappeared for three hours and the girl did not want cut her and and she was crying her eyes out. He came back when the party was over and sent to bed. This year on my son’s birthday I told him we were hoi g for a meal, he did not meet us st the restaurant t as he said he had an urgent ‘ll the family wanted a bed. Today as the mother had days to live as she had cancer . I told him that his beds take two weeks to be delivered so what The urgency . But as usual he had his own stories but on his birthday this year he got mad with me as i did not send him a card but i did make him a lovely Cake themed after a James Bond movie !!! He was so pleased with the cake he even put it on Facebook and every one said it was a really nice cake except for his mother.He was so angry with me he said you did this on purpose !!!! OF COURSE I DID,I JUST WANTED HIM TO KNOW WHAT IT FEEL LIKE AS I AM ALWSYS DOING THINGS FOR HIM BUT WHEN IT COMES TO HIM DOING THINGS FOR US ,HE CANNOT EVENSHOW UP.
    i got him a card and his daughter said it was from her. AT LEAST I MADE HIM A WONDERFUL CAKE MORE THAN HE DID FOR ME !!!!
    I recently took up cake decorating after having to I’ve UP work. I also recently also started going to classes two full days a week . Hopefully this will help me build up a career for me as i am now selling g my cakes slowly but surely. Sold my first few cakes for Christmas this year. Fingers crossed !!! It is challenging doing decorations with sugar with no depth per emotion but i seem to be doing fine and have moved up to the Master Class since September semester !!! My neighbour said the cake was very tasty and the decorations were EXQUISITE like a designer CAKE and looked very professional . She said she would pay at least a £100 for a cake like that !! Her look on her face was reward enough for me because of my eye !!
    I charged her £ 40 for it but she paid me £100 for it and has booked her son’s wedding cake fir next year summer with me. She is a G.P. and knows the problems i face as i speak to her about it,she hates his sight and told me he is Walter Mitty !! I said he was harmless just . Dreaming stuff while his wife was shopping g but this is playing with lives !!
    Informed her what he had done she broke into tears and hugged me and my daughter !!
    We had another two phone calls since i wrote the last time since he called and it is only 10.30pm so five calls in three hours.

    We never really fought before now i cannot remember the good times all i remember is the last horrible beer ears and all the fighting shout I g,me trembling wanting the truth from him,frustrated and keep asking all the time he keeps running away. All the Times i got he police out go get him out but he will o my return and go to bed the be t day or few days later.
    All his explanations about his love for me full of promises rather lacking in action!! I used to say Talk is cheAp to him !!’
    Every so g me I’d WE will start again,how many times do i need to start His from scratch again but rack CHANCE and each time he never lifted his finger to do anything g about the situation. The thought of losing contact with his daughter has not been a lesson to him and he is still taking us for granted .
    Today as i aS doing our Christmas shopping, and as i was passing the restaurants we used to go to i could visualise us in there but it was like the vision of us we ‘re customers and i was just passing by !!! I did not feel anything his blond hair was the only thi g that stood out and i did not turn back . I wondered if it was any significance.

    In the last four weeks i have not been able to eat more than half a slice of bread a day . I have lost about a stone in weight
    I cry every where i go not for him but for me ,my daughter and all the time i fought so hard to keep my FAMIKY together .
    I even went on my knees and begged him t o continue it as it will break our nd heart nothing worked..
    His mother was raped by her father and he was a sociopath as well from other peoples accounts . His mother is definitely a sociopath as she does all the same things and thinks and lives in la la land !! The brother is also one !!! When they get together it is very frightful go watch i watched hem when i was in Wales. They kept using problems all day long phoning each other Cyst one drama there was another drama and lent their days filled up from one drama to the other . He noticed i was watching them and did not want o join in . But they are all promiscouis, deviant behaviour,selfish,inordinate,steal money,always the victim ,love to cause fights ,attention seeking and they all deliberately make friends to use them to get money from them. They all want everything g but do not wsnt to work for it , they are all pathological liars and they seem to operate from a different MORAL code.
    He has rang four times in the last fifteen minutes. Wonder why because it is getting near to Christmas and he wants o come home ??
    I am not having him back !!!!

    Today i had a meal with my kids at Pizza Hut,we enjoyed ourselves no person there to keep happy or any one texting away while c.f. is FAMIKY quality e. I had four devices of pizza which was surprising !!
    I bought new sheets to pamper myself and am now lit g on them it feels nice and i know we will be alright !!!
    I packed what little clothes he had.left in the wardrobes away in bin bags and my son gave them to charity shop.. Even his shoes and new clothes and his expensive coat. I did not want any thing left over to remind Mr of him.
    My daughter wants all his picture s taken down as she says she does not want to see his face around tbd home. I think Will be easier for too.
    So tomorrow it will come down. The bedroom feels line my own w and i feel complete in it now.

    My son just said Christmas will be the best one we had in ten years now as from the very first week we knew him he brought chaos to our home and claiming he was the victim of his business partners bulletin g and he made off with the co.Sony cash . Strangely lie s to me and till he left he worked or this, man without my knowledge as a second job. He since has admitted this and also told me he lime every year has taken all his wages and just gambled it away. I knew that.

    But no matter what ever money he needed or the chaos he brought to my life i stayed for my daughter. I lost my home my job,my health everything o him. Eventually I owed the bank £100,000 . They took my home as it was the collateral for the loans The only thing i completed was paying fir my son to complete university. .

    He has gone missing in the past first time was the year i lost sight in one eye. He had his first affair t e o weeks after i lost my sight .
    I stayed on at work two years after i lost .
    My eye but the first time he disappeared nD said he went away for a job interview ,well he d say he was going g . A way but he said he mum was get to g married and only he was invited but this was before I had problems with her. I said no why we’re MY daughter and me not invited too,he said I do not care I am still going. The day he left he kept calling me at the Hilton Hotel as iwas there as i was there fir a conference and theleoplecthete had to come inform me several times as i did not want go take my phone with me as i knew he would be ringing me. But that I’d not stop him i never took his call,he never stopped till he took the flight.
    He was away or two weeks, i never called him but soon as he landed he sent me a text THE EAGLE HAS LANDED .
    Last year i rang her on s phone at 3am our time he was in ed with me , I was talking to him and he was answer I g me but was half asleep ,but i was confirming the time r him and he was saying come closer to me I hate it when you watch feel and will not come to bed the same time as me and he was saying my name. He was also suggesting other things,it was dark he could not see i had the phone just below the mattress,on my side. I then told him i could hear her screaming and i said to him i think your girlfriend is on the phone to you . This was after his trip yo Thailand. He smashed iphone on the floor and stepped on it. Then e I’d ARE OUT happy it is ow finished and are you happy now !!!

    I guess i was just fighting my way letting him know i am nit stupid and nit to underestimate women !!
    Last Christmas he promised this year would e a new year fir us nD i would change in him .He had ended it with her from that day i rang her.
    her. In way there has been changes but in a way The rift git bigger between us as i withdrew from him as i felt he did not as t to take me out as before. Guess this Mark found him not the d , he pretends he did rd this big Net fees o she th I nd he is rich as that US the picture ride he pa her. Maybe he has net his ,,z pros ‘ll me she is a lot like him as well ,she loves using people lots of men call I we NAMES on Facebook for think g their lives as they nos got no family left after her antics. She and and Facebook often. Her group of friends keep changing too.
    He has only one friend the rest on his Facebook are my family. She knows all s nd SHE intervened i our life and she was well versed we were married and had a child together. She then told me she was going to k my family apart and sent him a picture of her in the nude.
    Next day they were in a relationship on Facebook status.. She knew last year too he was living with me and she still continued it with m and even this Judah she was interrupted by my phone call. No evidence if his own plAce !! I wonder f see two are PLAYI g each other off using the other one and they are both sociopaths.. If she is then we’ll be finally his, match !! I think he deserves and more but if he discount o China to live with her i th I it sill e a better laugh for me as i know that she has to in there as heis NIT allowed to work there unless a company employs him as an expatriate . BUT WHAT CAN IFFER AN E.OYMENT MARJET N GIT NO QUALIFICATIONS !! Number of unexplained British expat deaths in China fence fly involving business and s man can turn nasty to some dole after a while nD he ? Not like e e always OMPLAIN they o t listen SHEN to Chinese meals , i like eating peak Chinese fluently although i am Chinese myself.

    I feel a lit better now after pending c.f. one time with my kids and NC with him is better or me as i am not spending my time crying ring insulted by him.or threatened by his FAMIKY or abused by m the phone .
    I really do not know wants to keep contacting me ?

    Is it because he wants intact s daughter to use as a pawn against me.?
    But two weeks while he was here he never asked o speak o her once even though he was trying yo say e was on his own she aS disappeAred and he s worki g and trying it on me.
    But soon as she was gone he as been try go ask me to speak to his daughter?

    When say no she does not want to see him or speak to him he says i am lying. The week before he B-) and she picked the he had not gone on holiday and i lied to her and he knows that i am a horrible person and i will not allow her to talk to him. . I told off for lighthouse I to she told me you were on holiday and i have not prevent speaking to him it was her choice. Then e offered for me and him to n a second honeymoon and Medtronic said he preferred his Chinese girl friend e.
    I knew his game and i was not a fool. I had enough of is games he too many boxes and by social services already liken o her she said the and thing. The misinformed tng ut he did not want to come because t would jeopardise his time Sith s New woman.or Mark as i say but e does not dispute it.



    He encourages her to lie

    He has created domestic violence in this home knowing fair well he is using me causing disruption to the s life.
    He has hit me,choked me till I was nesr to losing it, i felt it myself i was unconscious for a while after he let o off me say Christmas .
    She was watching and screaming .he hit on the head I’ll bled she watched that too ,
    He used to tell her bed time stories in bed just to get away from me. He never not the sort of man who would read a book or show her pic tures.
    Too much all that hard work . Anyway he will make rubbish stories and she used o pretend she was a sleep ,he then used to stay there just not to down to talk to me. He used to think she was asleep and he used to look at pornography in bed with her there.She told me but e DENIED it, this any idiot will not do !! But she aS always saying it was happening g then now she is also saying in the morning she use my lap top and he used to be the last one sho used it at night and as he used to see pornography on it as well..

    Why would i want an involved in her life , unless i am completely insane. I know i have to protect her or she will grow up to have unhealthy relationships with men !!

    Sorry my so long as tonight ed towrite it all in a clearer light. Earlier today it was all too much for me !! I seem to goi g in and out from crying to emotional to s fry as tags with him and my lost life.
    Saturday i was in tears in the gown uncontrollable ,people on console me !!
    Tomorrow who knows how i feel !!
    I wish this was next year one year had passed by as i know by then i would have had more time to settle to my new life. This now hurts . I also think i always had a career to fall back to but now i do ave that and i am carving a new career for myself it is very scary and unpredictable but I got an offer of supplying 20 cup cakes to a geek game shop seven days a week. I guess it is something better than nothing to start off with as it is a daily steady income for now. This is the woman who earned a lady and been brought down t o this . But i know i can build on t and i have suggested to other famous cake decorators that i can arrange aid shows for m round Be told o they can teach people all over the world. People seem i retested and is the current trend now and i ha e air of transferable kills from my previous one of work.

    Please tell me if you have heard of multiple sociopaths in one FAMIKY or is my story the worse you come across.
    Am i glutton for punishment ,i come from a family that women keep the family together. So i guess i try too hard !!





    his u diversity education. .



  6. Hi welcome to the site. yes they do get off on power and control. They see you as a possession that they control and own. (bit like someone has a dog), except dog owners treat their pets better 😦

    You are absolutely right, the best revenge is living well.

  7. It has now been 3months of no contact for me. Day by day I come to this sight. I have now been able to gather my pieces of the puzzle. I am beginning to move such pieces around and I have discovered he showed all the signs. I did not see them at the time. Maybe I wasn’t ready for the puzzle to come together.

    These are the things I questioned and I think through a lot of reading on this sight I might had put the puzzle in some what of an order.

    1) Why did he want to tell my relative he was seeing me? I was married.
    It was to cause drama within me and my family. They love conflict.

    2) Why did he keep telling me the OW could get my number and she would call me and tell me things?
    They love for women/partners to engage in hating each other. They sometimes get off by having multiples women/partner engage in a cat fight.

    3) How could I have been so blind?
    Maybe I was not so blind. I just had never had a relationship like with the S. I took the bait.

    4) He allowed the OW that has been in his life for 11 years to move in with him in only one week. What keeps her there and why ?
    Still have not understood this. I feel they must feed off each other.

    5) She checks his phone. The last time he texted me (after they moved in together) he told me he would text me since she checks his phone…but he said he loved me.
    He told me this to keep me from texting him because he had just cut ties right then and there. I have not spoken or texted him. I have him blocked on every device I own.

    I have been going to counseling for three years. Had I not been in counseling……I could not have handled his leaving. I thought I could. I remember him crying twice during our 4 months of pure hell with the loving me one minute and then hating me. He did a number on me. I am still in counseling and coming to this sight everyday. Although I had made notes and kept all messages ( I read them everyday) I had to delete everything he had texted me (good and bad). I could not have a connection of any kind and remained sane. I am not a bad person. I have problems with folks leaving me early in my life. He left me wondering…..




  9. he still contacts me at all hours of the early hours of the morning. i changed my number but he got it fronm a relative. i changed houses he got the address from a relative.. but i have not seen him, he aslways wants money but never asks after hisdaughter or makes any attempts to see her,.

    1. Do you know what my exes child’s mother did? She stood up to him. Simply said the words ‘see you in court’ that was it. She refused to have just chit chat with him. Told him if he wants to see his child he must do it through court. That was it. It’s all about ownership and what is ‘theirs’ anyway….

    2. Do you know what relative is giving your information can you speak to them about this? Explain that he is harassing you and there is a reason you changed your number? Of course he will lie say he wants to see his daughter. Tell your relative under no circumstances should your number be disclosed. I know it’s hard, it’s like a parasidic invasion.

  10. no my sister passed away abroad three weeks ago. i was the last to know as i had changed my number and moved houses. but my brother is another ego maniac who thinks i am a bad mother hence why my son turned out so well . my brother does not acknowledge this and told him he was better off taking his daughter off me. As my brother felt so sorry that my son is such a nice boy and has to have a parent like me. my son is 25 been to university and still chooses to live with me as i was his inspiration and role model for him.
    my brother used to beat me up physically when i was in my younger days till in my twenties. i left home because of that and now twenty five years on i got in touch of him because of my sisters passing. . but he gave my ex the whole address wanting me to be unhappy . my brother just wants to prove to everyone i am a failure but he is a failure as i put myself through university and bought my own home myself. i have a career with prospects while my brother says he hates and ashamed of me as i live alone without a man.

    so i am no longer going to speak to my brother again for another long time. but i do keep in touch with my oldest brother who uis frail and sick . we always keep in touch the two of us weekly and also with my sister till her demise. All of us just do not get along with my selfish brother who thinks he is better than US.
    because he goes to church. really ?

    my ex always uses this against me and says no wonder why my brother does not like me as i am forever trying to show that women as equal to men bklah blah blah !

    no he does not ask to speak to his daughter but says his friends says it is unfair he cannot see her. i have offered many times since he cheated on me with a woman on the net. BUt he will not accept it to be outside the home. we all know why , or he makes excuses saying we are together he wants to come home as since i found out he is sleeping on his brothers couch 500 mikles away. this is now month number four. i have found my feet since then and got a new life for my kids and me and it is so much simpler.
    he just will not acknowledge this and keeps saying we are together.
    .as my sister was terminally ill i did not want to inform her of my situatuion but i usually confide in her.
    nobody knows in my family know i am separated from him. my parents are deceased and my famuily live in south east asia while i live here in the u.k.
    he keeps saying the internet woman wants to marry him after two meetings and has got a marriage date sorted out for December. i told him best of luck but he says he does not want to marry her. he egged her on with false promises and i think she is also very much a sociopath like him manipulates people and many sexual partners at the same time and also a big liar. they both playing each oither. i do not care.
    have you kbnown of sociopaths being with each other or a person who has two parents who are sociopaths.?

    both his parents are sociopaths they both use people married to many people at the same time and dump them when the money is gone and dissapear. it is all about personal gratification their wants all the time. He and his twin brother too are just like the parents. everything rosy nice at the beginning then he will just take take take and always other women around and he is proposing marriage to them instantly and falling in love with them straight away.

    have you heard of family of sociopaths?

    1. I am sorry to hear of the loss of your sister. That must be hard.

      Betrayal from your brother must hurt it hurts when it’s family too. He sounds like another psycho 😦

      I don’t know too much about family issues to be honest so I won’t pretend that I do. I write about dating a sociopath.

      I am so sorry to hear what you are going through it sounds like a tremendous amount of pain betrayal and hurt as well as grief. Are you getting any support for you apart from your son? You might be in shock about your sisters death. Grief can sometimes hit us suddenly 6 weeks later. I am so sorry to read all that you are going through 😦

    2. It is highly probable to be based on genetic factors for all of the Cluster B personality disorders.
      The genetic factor is influenced by nurture so often it is the worst of both scenarios coming together.
      You can never ‘win’ , you can & will find peace. Remember they can’t ever be happy they are chasing something to fulfil their lives which we own and they steal temporarily from each victim.
      I’d suggest every time he asks for money, you mirror the request and ask him for some. Keep mirroring, reflecting his exact demands, they spin and get confused eventually leave you alone.

  11. not to worry i got a grown son with me but i will not hesitate to call the police. his daughter does not want him around she is fed up of being let down by him

  12. Here I am still questioning myself on what I could have done to not get involved with this S. It has now been 4 months of no contact. It does not seem real still to me. Even though I have him blocked on all devices, I still check my phone every few minutes. Why? I have no clue. He came into my life so quick and left so quick. I am still in my marriage to a man that shows no emotion at all. As I mentioned in another post that I am 55 years old. I try to get involved in things to keep my relationship with S at bay. I live in a different town so I do not see him or run into him. I come here and read and can see my life before me. I was just unprepared for the experience with this S. I did not know there were people that preyed on others like the S does. I still have a lot of questions that will never be answered. I have read that the S does not remember you or anything about the relationship. Is that a true statement?

    1. Hi true blue, I ask myself the same questions and the S I was with left one Sunday, went and yurned for someone else and never looked back. Unfortunately I live in the same town as my S and if I am unlucky enough to visual this person he looks at me and my daughter like we are not there, like dirt, not two people who were a part of his and his sons life for four years. I am no expert, having only been with two men in my life, but you think if they had the capacity to remember us or anything about the relationship then they would be slightly human and not be a horrible, hurtful and lying human beings.

  13. I have failed. I read this blog and it made me cry. I try to see the Ronald McDonald that I know is the truth but he knows how long to wait… long to make me want him. He doesn’t even say he loves me anymore. He knows he doesn’t have to. I am now lying to my support team….my mom, my aunt, my best friend, my therapist. They have no clue I’m seeing him again. What have I done to myself? I can never admit the truth to any of them now. I lie so much that I feel as bad and cheap and dirty as he is. I’m a fun game for him. I thought I could play that game but it makes me feel bad, but honestly, I’m no better than he is. I can never tell the people who love me the truth. How will they ever trust me when I am now the liar too? it almost scares me how much I am like him. Am I a sociopath too?

    1. Hi layla, maybe when you do ‘no contact’ you are holding your breath waiting for the magical time when you feel better. Instead of seeing no contact as final and YOUR decision. You say that he knows how long to wait. Maybe he does maybe he knows that you wont be getting on with your life. Instead you will be like a person underwater holding your breath, waiting to come back up for air. When you do, he is there ready to pounce. You could do it differently by doing no contact differently and seeing no contact differently. To do this to need to let go. This is painful, yes…. he is not the answer to solve your pain. In fact he is the one creating your pain. Try to see this as addiction as this is what it is. Addiction. Taking a source of what you are addicted to might make you feel better for a VERY short while. Yes it is a short while, as once you get a hit, you start to sink back down again, only this time you are hooked again. You can do this, if you want to.

    2. Noooo. You are not. I have the same problem. I lie to myself and my family. I make them and me believe that I can handle all this, but in reality I do miss him. I can’t stop answering his calls. Trying to play his game…I delude myself into thinking I’ll come out on top. Nothing helps. We are not stupid. We are addicted. Addicted to a love that we wanted to be real. It’s actually a chemical reaction. I read an article last week about it on love fraud. I know what you’re going through. Take heart. I am here for you if you need to talk.

      1. I am here too, i feeling the pain of addiction & hoping he would change but he never could for long. I used to think if i only see him a short while it will make me feel better, but then i got sucked in too. I told him once i addicted to him, he didnt seem to like it at all. Hang in there, chin up. I only told him to leave my house 2nite & pray i’m strong enough to do no contact from now on. I dread the phone ringing or sms coming thru, as what if its him. God bless u all. Gods love, light. Strength to u all.

  14. How do you ever trust anyone again, I am in the process of breaking free, I keep feeling sorry for my partner, I am staying strong on the surface but I keep feeling myself being sucked back in, his words his “pain” his feelings ect ect, I dont trust my own instincts anymore, I am afraid to trust people. While I know its crazy,,,,I am suspicious of every ones motives. My friends think I am in danger, that this is the most dangerous time for me. when he realises he has lost control. I am struggling to admit how bad it is. When I tell my experience out loud it sounds absurd, Why, how did I get into this situation. How did this happen to me, I thought I was so strong and I was never easily sucked in, four years later, here I am.

    1. Ouch. It’s like we are living the same life. I wonder-who am I? How did I let this happen? Why did I engage? I realized what this person was and thought I could beat them at their own game but got tripped up. Somewhere in the mix, I fell. I have no respect for myself anymore.

    2. Can only offer comparison experience – but when you started relationship, they bombed you with attention and time. Well that wasn’t as good as it all seemed – they were deliberately overwhelming your natural defenses and wariness of rushing in. They drew you ever deeper into their dramas and said only you ‘got it’ and with your so similar life stories only you could ever help. Few weeks later and they had control of your time and thoughts by a covert aggressive assault on your senses and emotions.
      Only way out is to reframe it all – detach and consider that they waged a covert war against your sensibilities with intent of capturing you to control and use you for as long as they could get away with it or just got bored with you.
      Don’t feel sorry or pity – just feel they are dangerous to your mind and health.

  15. Two years sibnce he has gonne and one year i cut off contact with him. But he still emails me and stalks my fb. Then says my friends sent it to him. I realise what a complete bastard he is and he will do anything to get money or free shelter and live off women.
    Two years i found oyt so much about his betrayal from day one. Everything was a fake , he was sleeping round with numerous women all the same time.
    Now he just calls me names and threatens me but i never reply. I have analysed everything and realise no one will believe my nightmare.
    I have healed to a certain extent but i keep getting nightmares about him every night.
    I not been to counselling just gdtting stronger everyday and fighting through the mess he left us in. Ten and a half years he robbed me off my life

      1. I have not told the doctors about this and i have been writting here since two years ago. Look at the messages above . Doctors seem not interested womens group for domestic violence think i am fine and strong. Hate the dreams he abused our daughter she too gies through the same thing as me .

  16. i feel lonely too at present
    my emotions are my weakness
    i met him online and i felt this connections
    im looking for a husband
    he offered me marriage
    hes so sweet and calls me often
    he had this health problem he told me and i felt sympathy for him
    then his health goes bad
    he dont call me anymore i am the one doing the calls now
    again and again he got excuses
    hes in his friends house
    hes so busy with his work
    hes in real pain
    so will i please try to understand he sez
    i did again and again
    hes saying future plans for us when were together when that time comes
    hes painting a good picture
    then one day he said “you just cant love someone so deep in just early in a relationship and you want to marry them right away”
    i was dumbstruck
    coz thats what hes telling me when hes courting me
    i know i sound pathetic and stupid with my story
    but i do loved him deeply God knows how much i care for him
    ive met his niece talk to her too
    he got older children too
    is it abnormality to love someone you met on the internet?
    i feel like im a fool
    he always says he loved me and wants to spend his life with me
    but hes actions were not the same
    he dont recieved my calls cut them even
    hes not reading my messages even hes online
    he got excuses all the time
    i say im a very simple and honest girl
    what did i do wrong?
    because my feelings are all true even though weve just met online
    i just want to feel loved and i want to feel i belong
    i dont care about his station in life
    i can support my own
    all i want is the picture he made in my heart
    maybe i stay too long in believing that
    im deluding myself that it will come to fruition
    thank you for this post
    im feeling what youre feeling
    im too emotional
    my feelings are my weakness i guess
    it gets me down
    ive been hurt before
    once is enough two is too much
    its hard to trust when you gave it all and they just throw it back to you
    maybe its time to move on
    it hurts
    really really hurts
    but this is reality
    my mind is ready
    but my heart is not
    be brave to all of us

    1. Hi emotionally just your name says it all really. This man is sucking the life force out of you. He is making you feel bad. You say that you want a husband do you really want a husband that will make you feel bad? The longer that you give this man time and attention the longer it will take for the right man to come into your life. Spend this time on you. Spend this time on loving you. Because you really are so loveable. Don’t you think you deserve this? Yes he mirrored you and sold you back your dream. But you dont want a dream you want the real thing. To love and be loved with a whole heart. You want and deserve someone who will love you with their whole heart, not somebody who will manipulate you with their mind.

  17. I keep coming back to this site because reading the posts keeps me strong. I’ve been NC with my sociopath for 5 months. I thought I was doing really well, but this past week was rough. When I do not see him or hear from him, I do really well! I still think about him, but not having contact keeps the clarity in my mind about what REALLY happened. Not the fantasy I wanted to badly.

    One of his tricks, when I would put up boundaries, or try to get some distance from him, would to “be seen” by me because “it kept him in my head.” He even admitted it.

    Well, this week, I have had FOUR terrible run ins with him. I responded by, after the slight shock of seeing him, pretending I didn’t even know who he was and walking the other way. He was SO angry. Why? Does he ACTUALLY want me to be happy to see him after all he’s put me through? He’s not trying to be NICE. So, what does he want? Me to be like, OMG ITS SO GOOD TO SEE YOU! When he’s being totally mean? Like he thinks I should WELCOME the abuse, and when I don’t, I’M the one in the wrong?

    He didn’t contact me. But he got in my head again.

    I found out only just recently that he had been playing FOUR women at the same time he was playing me. AND he has a primary GF he lives off of when it suits him (and does nothing for). He told me about her a year into our relationship.

    Well, here’s dummy me, on her FB, looking at happy pics of the two of them.
    She hasn’t posted things about them for AGES. Suddenly, this week, when he forces four run ins with me, she’s all over FB with him, showing off that he is taking her out for nice dinners and doing things for her children.

    I try to tell myself, HE’S DOING THIS ON PURPOSE. He always did get off on hurting me. I think, knowing his patterns like I do, he KNEW if he forced a couple of run ins with me, I’d be thinking about him. And then I’d take to the internet and here he is, being Prince Charming to his primary GF again.

    I KNOW the truth. Why do I keep hurting about this? I KNOW he is none of the things he made himself out to be and that he is really just manipulating for the fun of it.

    The thought I am clinging to right now is, at least I am not still holding out false hopes about him. I know what he is. I don’t want him, want to be with him, or even see his face. So I have that going for me. It just still hurts.

    I’m BETTER without him. With him, playing his game, took such a toll on my health, my career, and my other relationships. I was having panic attacks, drinking too much, and not eating properly or excercising. I didn’t sleep for weeks on end, I was under so much stress.

    I’m in a better place now. Quit drinking, haven’t had a panic attack since I went NC 5 months ago, I can sleep, I’ve been taking better care of myself, and I have tried to mend relationships with friends and family.


    Thank you for this site. It’s a life saver!

  18. Wow….Reading your post was eye-opening and scary for me since it FINALLY offered some explanation for my thoughts and feelings about a man I was involved with, who was also my graduate advisor 10 YEARS ago!!! Everything you mentioned about fantasizing about the good times and what could have been and missing those, and blaming MYSELF for us ending has plagued me over the past 10 years and I couldn’t understand it. It was so frustrating, and I did feel stupid because I knew that what happened wasn’t right on his part since he was my advisor, but that I still thought about him SO much (daily for the past 10 years), I felt like I was crazy! I wanted to leave his lab and join another one, and about a month before it was time for me to leave his lab, he got SO cold with me–like night and day from before. He wasn’t being supportive professionally or personally. I was actually flattered that he was so fazed by me (another thing that made me feel crazy and stupid, looking back!).
    The thing is, I recognized that he would modify his behavior to suit whoever he was talking with, including his wife (who he appeared to be wholesome with!!), but I thought I was actually getting the REAL DEAL and everyone else was being played! Not me–no way. The word “psychopath” never entered my mind. However, after reading several sections of your blog, 10 years more mature than I was at the time it all was happening, it FINALLY dawned on me recently that I was actually played as well and THAT has been very hard to swallow. He was just so alluring, SUBTLE, and believable, and I believed that he actually desired me and wanted to be with me, and even though I would see him acting flirty with other females, I thought that he just enjoyed the attention from them, but the reality was he wanted to be with me….over and beyond anyone else. MY focus became less about my academic accomplishments and more about being pleasing for him, and I did everything I could to do that, believe me.
    That everything I thought was real between he and I was very likely an illusion he portrayed of himself to me and I so wholeheartedly bought into is so, so hard to digest, like telling me I’m actually a ghost of someone who died 100 years ago or something crazy like that. I felt horribly alone when everything happened while I was in graduate school, but eventually at the strong recommendation of a counselor I was seeing for help, I went to our ethics office and reported my advisor for his behavior with me professionally and personally, which ultimately resulted in our final separation. I felt so GUILTY from the day I reported him but something in me was telling me that it was what I needed to do, and I did not want him to do that with anyone else (sadly, more out of jealousy than pure principle :/). He got a wrist slap in the big picture, and has succeeded to becoming a dean now. To make matters worse, EVERYONE ADORES HIM–male, female, young, old–he has everyone entranced in his spell.
    I remember the abrupt to transition to having no contact, and how it seemed almost too easy for him. As if all that we shared didn’t matter, like there was no feeling of sadness or remorse on HIS part. Yet I felt SO drained and sad and I couldn’t understand why. Your blog really revived what I actually experienced and makes sense of ALL OF IT, and furthermore, validates that I am NOT insane. Before reading your article, I joked to myself that he was some kind of “Man of many faces” or “Chameleon”, able to change his personna to suit his audience to gain their approval and favor like a player, but much, much, much more calculated, and now I understand WHY. I think he is a dangerous person to be around young, vulnerable (especially female) students, and it is scary to think how he has continued to climb the ranks gaining insurmountable access to and power over students at the university. I suppose, now that I FINALLY am beginning to understand WHAT he actually is, I am relieved that he is no longer devastating my life and that I have been able to finally understand and see the situation for what it really was, and am on the road to healing. It took SO long for ME to figure it out though. God help any other female subordinate/student he targets!!! 😡

    1. I bet it was good to write this? Those ‘lightbulb’ moments are good. It is a healing point. It can take a while to recover from them but it can be done. Fully. Understanding why really does help. It was not your fault. He was a master manipulator and a master in disguise.

  19. Thank you for this great post! I never met anyone like this until recently – when I went out on a date with a man I met online. We talked for a few days, lots of conversations and text messages. He kept telling me how we hit it off on the phone and he cannot wait to meet me. Meeting him he told me he knew that I would look like what he thought. Sitting across from him I felt like I was heavily intoxicated and falling fast. The unwavering eye contact, the handsome face, the electricity. Too good to be true? For the few days after the state I was bombarded with magical text messages, roses and Cinderella slippers and cute little sayings. Of course my instinct kept telling me this is too good to be true and I told him several times that I was guarded. Prior to our second date and to me out of the blue he sent me a message saying that I told him I was guarded too many times and I was killing the special connection that we were trying to expand upon. Initially devastated I responded that I do have an open heart and was just a little wary. We spoke and he seemed to have lost his cool and gotten angry. Use cursewords and said that he was tired of people that put walls up and or full of crap. In retrospect I realize that me being cautious was was killing his game. However I told him that I accepted that he did not want to continue and that was that. Or so I thought. He has continued to contact me for the next few weeks, never actually apologizing but telling me that he feels bad about cursing and I am very special and he is still very interested and wants to make it right. I only spoke to him once and again thought that was it. Two weeks went by and he sent me another message. I have exhausted all the material I could find on sociopathic behavior and to me it fits the criteria. I am terrified because I see that I was 1 thread away from falling head over heels. For a prudent middle-aged woman that has been in many relationships my inner gut told me that nobody can know that you are the greatest thing on earth after a couple of days. Any normal person would want to get to know you. But your post and much other material I have read makes me realize that our hearts are sub septa bull to being swept off of my feet because this is what we yearn for. But as you said it’s not REAL.

    1. Thanks for this comment. It was helpful to me. A reminder for the next relationship. I was tricked before because my “ex” was a childhood friend that had a crush on me as a very young teenager. Little did I know that he grew up to be a full fledged sociopath as a man. He hooked me
      and doesn’t want to let go.

      1. That must have been difficult Onward. As you would see the child inside of the man. Having no idea that he would grow into a person so self centred, with little feelings for anybody but himself. If he cannot let go of you, it is down to you, to let go of him. If he cannot be who you need him to be – let him go so you can grow. Or he will hold you back.

  20. You are so right. I can’t continue with him. He would damage me more. I’m healing considering he wickedly fooled me in every way. He used our childhood connection and all that he already knew about me and my family of origin to gain easy entry into my life 5 years ago. You already know the story because the patterns are the same including the endless stalking and my heartbreak.

    1. You are right. The longer that you stay. The longer it will take you to heal. I probably wrote this post in 2013. At that time, he was ‘away’ stalking and harassing, but not in full control of my life. I had the chance and opportunity to rebuild my life. During 2013, I would write 236 posts on this site. My life was growing. By the end of 2013, at Christmas, I gave him another chance. It was the worst thing I did. The longer you keep them in your life… the more damage they will do, to your life, and the longer it will take you to heal and recover. A year later we had split, but it would take another year before he left my city and stopped harassing me (Jan 16) and another year again before my mental health started to improve, from the damage caused to me. I could barely string a sentence together, let alone write.

      Please think about that, it is not just time wasted with him, additional to this, it is the time that your life will need to recover.

      You cannot fix what is forever broken within him – it might take you a considerable time to fix what he is breaking within you.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

The truth will set you free!

%d bloggers like this: