After the relationship with the sociopath, you can be left feeling both
You can look at your life, and your world, and even yourself, and not recognise yourself anymore. The sociopath is very deceptive and manipulative and has played mind games. Throughout the relationship with the sociopath it was likely based upon mind games to control you, and manipulate your emotions.
It can be hard to come to terms with the fact that your Mr or Mrs Perfect has turned out to be a pathological liar, and the master of illusion. Likely during the relationship you were controlled, the sociopath was the puppet master pulling your strings. You learned that it was easier to do what the sociopath wanted, than to have yet another drama or false accusation.
Despite this, despite that you probably gave more than you had ever given in your life (often not through choice, but by pure manipulation), the relationship still comes to an end. At final discard, there can be a period of silence. This silence can, at first feel uncomfortable.
Remember what peace there is in silence. Whilst this silence might cause you pain, it is necessary for healing and recovery. You might be tempted to call the sociopath, so that he/she can put the band aid back on, and stop you from hurting. You might mistake this strong emotion for love – it is not love, it is need. You are desperately searching for the ‘missing part of you’ that person in the mirror, that you feel that the sociopath has stolen.
YOU are still whole!
Facing yourself in the mirror
You might look in the mirror, and feel lost. Empty inside. Wondering what happened to you. Where did your life go? Who are you?
Who are you now? You have been controlled for a long time. You would have been in a relationship where you were not allowed to think for yourself. Where, without realising it. your whole being was manipulated and controlled. The relationship was about the sociopath. Daily there was constant drama. It felt intense. You didn’t really have time to think about yourself or your own life. The longer that the relationship has continued, the further away YOU and YOUR LIFE can feel. This is especially true, if you were isolated and experienced emotional abused with someone who was very narcissistic.
Throughout the relationship with the sociopath, being manipulated, and controlled, it is likely that you avoided yourself. What you need to do, is to centre yourself, and realise that the sociopath has not taken any part of you. You might have lost your home, your finances, your social network, perhaps your job also.
What I need you to remember, is that it is impossible to lose yourself. You are always whole and complete within you. There are exercises that you can do to reclaim yourself.
To go forwards – sometimes you need to go backwards!
To rediscover who you were before, the positive things about you, and your life, you need to reclaim yourself. Contrary to popular belief, you didn’t need the sociopath, he needed YOU. Even if the sociopath has caused mass destruction, and you do not know where to begin. Start small.
- Speak to family members – even if you haven’t spoken for a while
- Contact old friends
- Visit the gym, take up a class, go for a walk, or go out on your bike
- Realise that you are going through the stages of bereavement. Go easy on yourself. You are coming to terms with the harsh reality that you have dated someone who was not honest, and who didn’t really exist. If it seemed wonderful, this is a mirror image of YOU, if he was emotionally abusive, those are the words that he feels about himself, his self hatred!
- Write three lists –
- List 1. Write all the reasons that you miss the sociopath
- List 2. Write all the reasons that it is better that he is out of your life
- List 3. Write what you want to achieve, short term goals, medium term goals, long term goals –
Make sure that your goals are SMART (Specific, Measured, Achievable, Realistic)
It is important to write smart goals for yourself. By making sure that your goals are smart, you will feel that you are achieving, and will start to bring positivity into your life. Remember when you were with the sociopath, how you spent all of your time, picking up the pieces of constant drama in your life? You didn’t have time for you. If you did make plans, likely you were constantly let down, or simply led up the garden path, and felt like your life was going around in circles and going nowhere!
YOU ARE FREE!!!!
It might feel strange at first. And you will need to go through the stages of bereavement. You will be grieving for the person you thought you were in love with. Remember, this is just an illusion. The person that you thought you were in love with, is a mirror image reflection of YOU, your hopes, your dreams, your wants, your needs. All the best things about you, that you thought you deserved. Your morals, your goodness.
You should feel lucky, as now you can reclaim that part of you back for yourself.
You are now free.
If you look in the mirror, and your heart sinks, and you feel that a part of you is missing, you wonder how can you pick up the pieces and find you again? Remember –
- Start small
- Create SMART goals and targets
- Re-connect with people you were previously close to, who you trust
- Do one thing a day that makes you smile
- Stay with the PRESENT – you can’t change the past, and tomorrow hasn’t happened yet
- Love yourself, and treat yourself like your own best friend
- Write lists of things to do, to sort out the carnage – you CAN do this!
- Most importantly try to have fun
- Try to make at least ONE long term plan/Goal. Something that you can achieve. This could be anything, learn to drive, get a new car, learn a new skill, move house = then write down how you are going to achieve that goal
By doing the above, you start to re-create dreams for yourself again. You find yourself. You find you. You find your hopes and dreams, and create new ones.
Most importantly – not only do you find you, you also find HOPE. You reconnect, once again to the person in the mirror, your life, your dreams, the whole of you!!