Stalking, hacking and snooping

Whilst in the relationship with the sociopath, you no doubt felt on ‘lock down‘, meaning that he knew, and had control about everything that you were doing, who you were speaking to. He will go to extreme lengths to learn what is going on with you. Remember that in the beginning the sociopath assesses you, for your worth? Well he is constantly assessing you, and to make sure that you will not escape him.


What is interesting, is that despite he wants control over your life, he is also very private about his own life. He will do everything to have control over your privacy (there will be no personal privacy with a sociopath), it feels like one rule for him, and another for you. Not only is he controlling, and you feel suffocated, you will have no idea what is really going on in his life in his secret life. He will:

  • Hack your email
  • Hack social networking sites
  • Read your phone messages and monitor calls that have been made
  • Read personal diaries
  • Ask constant questions to find out what you are doing and with whom
  • Expect you to always be open and honest about everything in your life – whilst being secretive about his own

At the same time he will be:

  • Extremely secretive –  will have passwords on his computer that he constantly changes
  • Have his phone on silent, password protected, and on him all of the time (even when he goes to the toilet)
  • Keep you separate from his own private world (people he interacts with)
  • Lie, deceive, and feed you false information to mislead you
  • Fake Jealousy, fake paranoia…. to control you
  • When guilty of something himself, will falsely accuse you, of exactly what he is guilty of himself (to derail you)

It can quickly feel suffocating in a room with a sociopath. Even when the relationship ends the need for control, does not end. The reason why the sociopath does this, is not just because of his need to control you, it is because he see’s you, once he has targeted and selected you, as someone that he owns, he sees you as an extension of himself.

It is not just control, it is ownership. At first when you meet the sociopath, he will seem interested in you, and your life. This can be flattering, later in the relationship, and after it has ended, this intrusion into your privacy and violation of your personal space and rights can be overwhelming. You spend so long, defending your own rights, you hardly notice what is going on in his life, in secrecy from you. You will feel that nothing you do is right. You constantly try to change to accommodate his needs and demands, but it will never be enough. The reason that he is like this, is because he needs to have control over you. I wrote earlier, how a sociopath can have both fake jealousy and real jealousy.Faking jealousy, keeps you under control. You feel like you are living under a microscope. But the sociopath will not show this side of his nature, until much later in the relationship, or indeed until after the relationship is over. It is the ultimate betrayal and invasion of privacy.

A sociopath takes great pleasure at having absolute control over your life, over knowing everything that is going on in your life, whilst keeping his own top secret. He behaves like a military spy. Some can even keep two phones. It is odd, that someone who is so determined to know about everything in your life, is so secretive about their own. This gives the sociopath great joy, as it is the ultimate control, to guard the secrets of his own life, to be doing things behind your back, whilst keeping control over yours. To the sociopath the only freedom that is available, is his own. He has no concern for the rights or welfare of anybody else but himself. But he demands freedom for himself. And will go to great lengths to deceive and be deceptive. The more that he has control over your life, the more he can closely guard his own secrets, and his own private world the happier he is.

You would think that once the relationship is over, that he would give up the need to know everything about your life. But this is not the case. A sociopath hates to lose control, even from ex partners. He thinks that he has the right to move on, to do whatever he wants to do, but will not like it at all if you try to exercise your right to do the same.

27 thoughts on “Stalking, hacking and snooping”

  1. I just left a two year relationship with someone who was snooping through my social media accounts and harassing my friends on where I was and who I was with. I am not sure if my ex is a full-blown sociopath…I am leaning towards that he may be a narcissist with sociopathic traits. While I would be out with my friends, he would make up grandiose lies about things that would happen to him – about getting hit by a car, watching someone die, or getting into a fistfight at a bar. I saw the need for him to control me through those lies – and he reacted with anger when I told him that I didn’t believe him, mainly since there was no physical evidence of him being hit or getting into a fight such as bruises, medical bills, police reports, etc. He would always comment on his insecurity and how I did certain things to make him feel less secure, but my behaviors would be consistent with time. After a while the lies and the burden to “alleviate his insecurity” became too much for me. He said he understood when I told him I wanted to leave the relationship, but he soon tried to replace his dependence on me with substance abuse. It makes me sick to my stomach sometimes when I think about how I let it go on for that long and how I let him air our dirty laundry out to mutual friends. But again, I can see blaming myself as one of his defense mechanisms, as one of his catch phrases near the end would be “why don’t you love me?” I think I am slowly getting better, and slowly learning to trust my own judgement. It has been a tiresome process emotionally (and financially) but I think I am much better off now.

    1. Hi Tessa, thank you for your comments. I think you dated my ex!! Identical patterns of behaviour. Well this is what they do. How awful is it when they are hacking and snooping into your personal information. I described it as ’emotional rape’ that is how I felt, absolutely violated. It is as if they think that whatever is yours is theirs to take. Also read posts about ruining and smear campaigns, and isolation and feeling isolated. I have been through all of this too. I know how awful it felt. The threats too… just bombardment to wear you down. It is the worst kind of abuse 😦

  2. This post is very interesting to me. Me and my spath ended 22 days ago. I said the most hateful things to him to insure that he would leave me alone. I started counseling yesterday and have slowly awaken from this dark era I’ve been in with this man.
    Everyday has gotten better…I have great friends and family around me. A wonderful support group. My kids and are back on career everything I have let go is coming back including my pride and dignity. He has stripped me of everything for over a year. I cry once a day it seems. The morning and night are the worse for me. Well just when I thought the worse is behind me… he made contact… today. 😦
    I had him blocked from phone and all social media but he found a way. Yahoo messenger that I downloaded months ago when he didn’t pay his bill and it was the only to text. I totally forgot about it… he’s sneaky
    7 paragraphs of I’m sorry and I’m paying for my sins and you deserve better and I’m going to vanish and I suck and I didn’t mean to hurt you…
    I started to shake and cry at my desk at work…could not believe he contacted me…and so soon.. I feel as though he’s been watching me…even though he is blocked from my fb…i can imagine him making a fake one to see my page..some is public…till today.
    The man lied to me about his career…past.. and all the women .. he had full blown relationships while we were dating and the only way I found out was because I contacted her.
    Anyways I’m numb again and confused even though I know he wrong in many ways its hard not to reply. I’m scared…help..

      1. Yup! I found out that while I slept my ex would use MY phone to call his ex wife and cry to her and tell her how he still loved her and that I was crazy and abusive to him! He would then delete the calls until one day she texted, assuming it was his phone, screaming for him and his crazy girlfriend to leave her alone. I called her back and we figured out his lies. She told me she had left him for this kind of behavior; the cheating and the mind games. I believe he got off on knowing and hearing her anger and pain. Plus, pulling the whool over my eyes by using my phone instead of his own to call her. He probably snickered over that. Don’t reply to your ex, not even to curse at him, he wants to know he still has control over you. Let him rot by himself.

  3. My sociopath left me with no explanation and haven’t heard from him since. I have had to file bankruptcy because of the loans and large amount of debt he left me in. I am thankful that I no longer have to worry about him controlling my life. He has moved on and left me alone.

  4. This is interesting as I snooped. He let me know his passwords, but as time went on changed them all.
    I think at first he never thought he’d get caught & then he realised I was becoming more curious. But he was very jealous of male pals on FB liking my pics, & other friends. He did read my diary. He kept in touch with all his ex partners & from what I read especially with his last ex he was trying to control her but telling her about his conquests as if trying to make her jealous, but telling her she was perfect.

    1. Ugh…. they are so disordered. their disorder makes your life chaotic and disordered. Constant stress. Constant drama. Constant negativity …. silence can be painful, but its healing. Remember when you were a child and you fell over, your knee was bleeding, as it was healing it started itching. If you scratched it, it would bleed again. Stick to no contact, don’t scratch your itch… it will only bleed again, and if you keep making it bleed eventually it leaves a scar.

      1. Yeah you are right…. If I get the urge to contact him… I just tell myself… Then you won’t be winning!

  5. Ok, I’ve done 5 months no contact now, I still miss him but not the dramas. I’m feeling lost still especially when it’s me time, I do lists, I read, keep fit and listen to relaxing music, the I get books of text from him, latest is that he has owned up to behaving badly and using incorrect and inappropriate language, loads of words of sorry, I did not delete just in case of evidence if need be. But I have waited for 8 years to get rid of him and I failed many times. This time I’m determined to do it for good, I have met someone else and it’s working as a good side track for me. It’s not great but it’s not him the sociopath. I have some time on my hands and I’m using it to heal myself fully through reading and pampering myself, weird feeling cause it’s been a long time since I bothered with myself. Christmas Day I received 4 pages of apologies from him, I have not contacted him at all, I feel good and proud of my self. I feel he is stalking me or something not sure it I’m paranoid of him? But I’m getting there slowly I think it would be worth it in the end to be abused free. If you have any links on coping on being on your own after mental abuse??

  6. I feel less crazy reading this….I had a guy who never told me he was still married…had additional children I never knew about for 3 years….although he lived with me for almost 3 years too….he moved and went overseas…knew everything from simple emails to friends, tax brokers, and even if we broke up would send me flowers ironically on every time I went on a date??? He stalked me on internet dating sites after we broke up…..the sad part is is that something inside of me wanted that dream…..of lines….marriage children….all discussed, but all a lie at the same time. I had to smash my computer no one could figure out how he got my email or phone….I changed them 3 times….at one point not even my family knew….and he would somehow continue…I blocked his email every time…it would still come through.I am not sure how many women he sucks onto….being the sweetest man…almost dream like…to a liar, weird eyes…almost scares me to death…narcissistic…..where is the man I originally met…..they just are frauds….and it is taking awhile to get past is the frustrating part. I haven’t been the one to ever think I’d get caught up a mess like this.. much love to all of you struggling with the same! I say be happy that they have moved on…..I could only imagine being tortured for years by their abuse….they will keep at it for a long long time!!! Just don’t give in however hard it feels…… TK

    1. Thanks for your comment, stalking is really creepy. It can leave you feeling confused and on edge. Like a thriller movie. It’s an assault on your senses emotional rape. I hope you are now doing well or better.

  7. My ex snooped constantly and even read my journal that I had hidden. Somehow he found me on a singles website and contacted me using fake profiles. The first time he did that I was actually on my way to meet the fake ‘Jimmy’ guy that he created. My instincts kicked in and I cancelled on ‘Jimmy’ at the last minute and that’s when I found out it was my ex. He also figured out real guys that I was chatting to on there and created fake female accounts and would entrap these guys into saying things that might hurt me and he would send me the entire conversation. His excuse was that he was just looking out for me and that I couldn’t trust these guys but that I could trust him. He also managed to create a fake email that he claimed to have received from me in which I supposedly absolved him of a $3200 debt he owed me for a loan I gave him when he blew all his money on online poker. The good thing is that he misspelled my name throughout our entire relationship and throughout the entire fake email so it won’t stand up in court if I decide to sue him. It’s extremely devious and sometimes I feel incredibly stupid for being so hurt at each new low that he stoops to. I established no contact with him 8 days ago but he still finds ways to contact. I’ve blocked over 20 email accounts of his, blocked him on my iPhone but he just turns off his caller id so that the calls come through (19 yesterday), and uses his friends to contact me on his behalf. The only silver lining is that the only way he can have physical contact with me is by getting on a plane as we live in different states. He did show up in my city last week and sent me heaps of emails to have coffee with him but I ignored him. Right now my fear is that he’s trying to get a job in my city so that he can harass and stalk me in person. There are just no limits to what he may do to get to me.

    1. There ability to stalk harass and just generally be in YOUR business is incredible. They do this to keep control over you. It’s also scarey too I described it as being emotionally raped. This is how it felt to me. It’s incredible just absolutely incredible what they do and the stress and anxiety that they cause. 😦 …. As a result of this I wrote the post how to get even with one this is what I was forced to do. To mirror him, feed him false information, use information against him and never backing down. Eventually he did ask for a truce…. Didn’t stop him being nosey though.

      1. I can completely relate to this treatment. I am just short of 4 weeks final discard and throughout our 2 year relationship we shared email passwords and he pretended to give me access to everything – not that I wanted it. I say pretended because I’m positive he had other email addresses. I have now confirmed it. He demanded my email password soon after the relationship got serious, as well as my Skype and FB one (it is now shut down). He always asked me whether I have other email addresses… always suspecting. He spent hours and hours trawling the internet looking for me, trying to ‘catch me out’ in something I was doing behind his back! He was obsessive. I have always trusted and I expected to be trusted in return. After discard he logged onto my Skype and began changing my profile and contacting my contacts behind my back. I had no idea – until he contacted my uncle and sent him an abusive message! He has always been ‘interested’ in everything that is mine, especially emails, etc… I now begin to realise what a control freak he is. Each time I mentioned to him that he was controlling, he denied it of course, telling me that I am crazy!! I miss him terribly but I don’t miss the dramas…
        Notwithstanding, I am still broken and still completely clueless as to why he walked out on me (a few days after having miscarried our child, alone) without a reason…

  8. All these stories describe traits of an Ex of mine.
    In the beginning he made himself look like he was the perfect man for me. How ever as the reltionahip progressed I found him to be very secretive. He would be defensive and acted like my thoughts just didnt matter. He was cold and distant. Totally different person once he had me in a relationahip with him.

    When I decided to break up with him he had a Slick way of turning it on me, to make me feel insecure. He tried to make it seem like he wanted nothing to do with me. That I couldnt even have power to break up with him, with out him breaking up with me first.
    Two weeks later I started getting strange facebook requests. They would have obvious Fake names, with no pictures , just made with nothing on them.
    I also started getting sweet to harassing anonymous messages on the account I met him on. This went on for months.

    Its left me feeling like I have no space or privacy and nothin I do is rite.

    1. They do this to break you down Sarah. I would tell him that the relationship is over, and if he continues to harass, or stalk you he will be reported to the police. Do it, report him. This makes the relationship between him and the police and not the relationship between you and him. This will remove his power. As really they are just bullies trying to break you down.

  9. Hi! There is a network that is doing these stalking and controlling things to me. I feel that they have some good intentions too. Please advise me how to come to terms with them. Thanks in advance.

      1. Thanks for your attention. I want to be sure of their agenda. How to derive information out from them and how to verify the derived information? How to make it easy for them to achieve their aims if they are legitimate and good? please advise.

  10. I had all of this stuff happen to me in my marriage. I was monitored on spyware, gps…I think he hired someone to break into my office to see what was in my desk drawer and more. It was nuts. Sneakiest ever…and miserable! I would have never dreamed this would happen.

  11. My former husband duped me. He used me for years. I did my best to ‘manage’ him so that I could raise my children. I raised wonderful young men. What a profound privilege and joy to be part of their lives.
    Now I am struggling to heal. This site is helpful. Very.
    Yet, I cannot get validation and help elsewhere.
    I am beyond the years of wondering if it’s him or me.
    Validation would help me heal.
    I am exhausted and depleted. Discouraged.

    1. I understand. Had a 5 year “relationship” with a person who lied so much it is hard to believe a human being can live that way but he does…I am in pain and then other days I’m not. He stalks me constantly. I will continue to move forward and I am not going to give anymore to him.

      “When the snake has bitten you, let go, die and come back to life.” Jordan B. Peterson

  12. I have read here for a while but this post more than any other has confirmed the type of person I allowed into my life. Each point describes my ex perfectly. I still have problems with privacy violations despite the fact that he is now married (to a women he always claimed was a friend but who I was never allowed to meet).

    I live daily with the consequences of my involvement with him. He has encouraged others to bully me on line and off, and he seeks information from third parties who are unaware that he is using them to monitor me and my life.

    1. Hi Sabie. I understand the hell that you are in right now. It is hell. Is there anyway that you can cut off these third party people? Block them? Avoid them so that he no longer has access to you? I am really sorry you are going through this… as I know, it is like living in hell on earth.

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