The relationship between Cognitive Dissonance, Gaslighting and Trauma Bonding when in a relationship with a Sociopath or Psychopath.

You need to be able to think straight and to have ownership and possession of your own thoughts, if you are to fully heal and recover from any abusive relationship. This is particularly so if your partner displayed Sociopathic or Psychopathic behaviour traits.

Many people say that they have difficulty moving on, and to be able to reintegrate back into their normal lives, at least the life that they knew as normal, prior to the relationship. People say how they can struggle with this, long after the relationship has ended. Many others say that they have forgotten what normal life looks like. Or that they feel forever changed, and unable to remember, or would be unable to fit in with what was once normality for them.

Many more say how they struggle to get out of the relationship, to get free, and to stay free.

Cognitive Dissonance

cognitive dissonance

I would say that pretty much everybody that has been involved with a Psychopath or a Sociopath has experienced Cognitive Dissonance. If you see the picture above, you can see why. Both the Sociopath and the Psychopath work hard on grooming their victims, and manipulating them to get what they want. They are also pathological liars, so good at lying that they can almost convince themselves that their lies are the truth. I know that the one that I was involved with, would once moved on, go so far into a new character that his accent, interests, everything about him, would change. This is because he was in character to mirror the next victim. Not me.

Can you remember this post? About how the Sociopath feeds your comfort zone? Almost everything that they do is well thought out. To own, control and manipulate you.

Victims can experience Cognitive dissonance

  1. While still in the relationship
  2. Long after the relationship has ended

The truth can be painful. The truth can also be very unbelievable. When you are with this type of abuser, the lie, can appear to be ‘normal’ and ‘the truth’ your abuser will work hard to encourage you to believe the lie.

Once you know the truth, why is it so difficult to accept?

While still in the relationship, you want to continue to believe the lie. As the lie is far easier to process. You want to believe that

  • It was all a mistake
  • It won’t happen again
  • You misunderstood (gaslighting)
  • That things will get better
  • That you haven’t wasted your time/ruined your reputation/lost all your money – for nothing
  • That the person that you are with, isn’t REALLY a Psychopath or Sociopath
  • You really believe that you NEED this person

STOP LYING TO YOURSELF.  IF YOU ARE STILL IN IT, GET OUT.  CONTINUING TO STAY WITH THIS LUNATIC WILL ONLY BRING FURTHER LOSSES.

So, it is understandable that when in the relationship, as you are still being abused on a daily basis (even if you do not SEE THIS ABUSE). It is understandable why you continue to live in cognitive dissonance. Nobody is better at keeping you in this state than the Psychopath or the Sociopath.

What about when the relationship has ended? Why do you struggle to move on? You know the truth, so why are you finding it so difficult to accept it?

I have written so many posts on this topic. I experienced similar. Even when I was free. It had taken considerable time for my mind to also be free.

My thoughts would fluctuate. For quite some time, I thought that we:

  • Could still be friends
  • That he genuinely cared about me
  • I told myself that it ‘wasn’t that bad’
  • Refused to believe the extent that I had been gaslighted
  • Believed that I still needed this person
  • I thought I missed him
  • I seemed to have a ‘filter’ where I would forget the bad, and remember the good

The last part is an important one. When in the relationship with the Sociopath you would have been kept in a constant state of cognitive dissonance. They do this deliberately. The outcome is to question your own mind, and indeed sanity.

Cognitive dissonance is where we know the truth. Yet we continue to lie to ourselves.

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is another reason why people ARE in cognitive dissonance in the relationship and why you could remain in cognitive dissonance for long AFTER the relationship has ended.

The truth is that most likely you will NEVER know all that was done to you. I know that I never will. You will only expose snippets of what was done to you. The rest will remain ‘hidden’ and ‘silent’.

Example of gas lighting that happened to me. I had no idea that it had happened,it was discovered by accident a few years later. Likely, if i had discovered the truth when I was with him, I would have been further persuaded that what I had discovered, was not true, that it was all in my head.

In early 2012, I was just coming to the end of EMDR sessions for PTSD. My PTSD therapist had said that it was important for me to get the ‘left/right’ action of my brain working. The more that I got the left- right action of my brain working, the faster I could work through PTSD, as my brain was still frozen in shock from the death of my baby daughter at birth a couple of years earlier.

I told him this. I had a bike that I had owned from years earlier. Being the ‘helpful’ person that he was, he offered to run with me, while I went on my bike (walking, cycling, reading, all of those things get the left right action of the brain moving).  I felt guilty that he didn’t have a bike. So I bought him one so that we could go out together.

To cut a long story short, his bike was ‘stolen’ (probably sold), and then he stole my bike from the garage. Still living in cognitive dissonance and forgetting all of the bad, I loved our bike adventures and would later buy two more bikes. One for me, and one for him to use.

From first getting my brand new bike, I couldn’t understand why the tyres would continually go flat. It seemed every single time I used the bike, my tyres would go down after use. Each time I went to the garage to use the bike again, my tyres would be flat. This happened, even if days had passed since venturing out on the bikes, sometimes only one day had passed.  He even changed the tyres and inner tubes. The same thing kept happening.

OUTCOME: I lost faith in the bike, would only go out on the bike with him, where I would be ‘safe’. Each time I thought how great he was, as he would always fix my tyres and blow them up. He was so useful, and so helpful (or so I thought), how would I manage without him?

COGNITIVE DISSONANCE – I thought he was a great guy as he was helping me.

TRUTH – Last summer I moved home. I took my bike from the garage, with the flat tyres, and took it to my new place. Someone blew up the tyres, that was almost a year ago. Guess what? The tyres are still up. Not once have they gone down. You see, he was deliberately letting down the tyres, so that I would be dependent on him, and not have confidence to go on my bike on my own. It worked. I lost confidence in going anywhere on my own. I really did believe that I needed him.

Faux memory: My memory was of us having wonderful bike rides together. How patient he was with me. How helpful and kind he was to continually blow up my bike tyres when they kept repeatedly going down, seemingly after every use.

My memory filtered out that he had stolen one bike from me, and sold two behind my back. Instead, my mind focused on the GOOD, the fun we had on the bikes, and how helpful he was to me. I at one time struggled to think how I could cope without him.

Filtering out the memory of the truth of the bike theft – is cognitive dissonance. I knew it happened. Yet I chose not to remember. Instead (with his help) I would only remember how helpful and useful he was.

Cognitive dissonance can go almost hand in hand with gas lighting. Although sometimes there doesn’t need to be gas lighting. We can just filter out the bad, as it is too painful for us to process. Nobody likes to think that they have been duped or conned. Our brains can naturally filter out what is bad, if we have a comforting truth to hold onto.

Trauma Bonding

Trauma bonding is where you feel connected to somebody, as you have mutually been through a lot of trauma together. This can happen to two individuals who have experienced mutual trauma. Each understands the other. You feel close together, and set apart from the world. Your co-experience of trauma, and mutual understanding and experiences, keep you together. Truth is, the only person that experienced trauma was you. The rest was manufactured by them to keep you captive and controlled in their ivory tower.

Likely other people will not understand the trauma that you have been through. It can be an isolating feeling.

Being around a Sociopath or Psychopath is dramatic. It is dramatic for one reason only BECAUSE THEY DELIBERATELY CREATE DRAMA.

Nobody else understands what you have been through, as you only went through it with that person. This creates a bond. With cognitive dissonance filtering out the horrible truth, and gas lighting further hiding reality from you, making you feel like YOU are the bad and mad one. There is only one conclusion that your mind makes….

The lie you tell yourself 

You know this person was bad. But you had some good times together. Some amazing exciting times. You miss those good times. Your mind further filters out the bad, and instead retains the good, and comforting memories that both the Psychopath and Sociopath are so good at giving.

You feel a close, deep connection to this person. It might even feel spiritual. A connection that perhaps you had not felt with anyone else. So, your mind begins to play tricks again. This is made worse, if you have been left with your life in ruins, and isolated, while seemingly your ex rides off into the sunset to live a brilliant life.

Cognitive dissonance, Gaslighting, trauma bonding are all at play here. Reality, is not. The only real reality, is that you were in a very controlling, abusive relationship.

The truth is. Once you are REALLY free (I mean mentally and psychologically free, not just physically). Once that person is nothing but a long distance memory to you. You wouldn’t ever want to return anyway. Simply because that person represents LOSS. You want growth in your life, not loss. We will begin to work on this in my next post.

 In my next post, I will write about the process that holds you back and keeps you stuck. Yes it is partially our own thinking. Yes, it is partially trauma bonding. But I think that it is far more than that. The truth is, once this person is gone, the only person holding you back – is YOU.

I will write about this further in the next post. Perhaps work through some exercises to do, to bring back your own life.

The next post will be a follow on from this one

Copyright, all rights reserved datingasociopath.com 2018

 

 

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53 thoughts on “The relationship between Cognitive Dissonance, Gaslighting and Trauma Bonding when in a relationship with a Sociopath or Psychopath.”

  1. Wow! This is so true and wonderful that you’ve really spelled it out clearly. I was in a terrible marriage and yet even though he mentally abused me until I was in such a state that I couldn’t even make a telephone call for myself, I thought that he was my saviour. In truth, it was he who had created this fragile version of myself. It was all for power. And when I was finally totally reliant on him, he left me with two tiny children and wanted nothing more to do with us. It’s taken me 13 excruciating years to recover from this. Thank God I can now see him for what he really is. It’s just such a waste of so many years. Thanks for the post … it was genuinely great for me. Katie

    1. Thank you Katie.

      I hope that you have now found peace within. 13 years of your life, and not only the time you spent with him. I hope that your life is in a much better place today.

      1. Thank you so much … yes, I am finally at peace and happy. Genuinely happy. I never thought that I’d ever again be as happy as when I was a child, but miracles do happen. Kx

      2. I can honestly say that I too am happy. Oddly enough I am happier and far more at peace than I was even before I met him. I think because I learned to be happy within.

      3. Yes, I can totally understand that. I’ve found also, that when life has been a real struggle, when things are good, or even just ‘normal’ we appreciate it all the more. I’m so glad you’re happy and that you can write about it, because it helps the rest of us too.

  2. All so true. What a crazy almost unbelievable situation. Thank God these things are coming to light. Thank you for your post.

  3. Good example with the bike tires. Really drives the point home. People look at me like I’m exaggerating or making it up when I tell them some of the (weird) mean things like that he did to me. It really seems like they don’t believe me because the details are so bizarre and it is hard to believe someone would actually plan out such hurtful, tricky, manipulative actions. Some of these guys are so smart–always thinking ahead, taking advantage of every opportunity to screw with your mind and make you believe you’re losing it, you’re permanently caught in a whirlwind of drama that you come to believe you’ll never be able to escape from. My guy was a handyman and I lived in an old house and he was always offering to help. Every free fix ended up turning into some kind of really expensive “project.” Egads.

    1. Truth is, he had moved out 2.5 years earlier. I often thought ‘I missed going out on my bike with him, I don’t really feel safe going out on my own’. So I didn’t go out on my bike.

      Instead of my mind seeing what was the real truth, what he was really doing – It was a brand new bike after all, I could have/should have taken it back to the store as faulty. Somehow he managed to divert my attention, so that it wasn’t a big deal. That never happened. Neither did I think it was a real problem. To me, in my mind, it was a faulty bike. Not a man who was deliberately doing that to me.

      Ooh the ‘handyman’…. and I bet if you complained about ‘how much it cost’ he would complain just how ‘ungrateful’ you were as he had ‘helped you’ to fix your home…..

      1. Sooooooo true! I was so “cheap.” And if I ever wanted something done another way, I was too difficult and picky and crazy.

  4. It is still so amazing to me that you say these things and I’m like ‘YES, that’s exactly it’! I can see similar examples in my own ex- relationship but had never put it together and recognized it. But what I know logically and what I feel emotionally do not always connect. I already can’t wait for your next post!

  5. Everytime I read a post from you now, its more powerful than my therapy. Each one is so eerily familiar to me, that it really helps to reaffirm any doubt in my mind. My “bike” is an outdoor space heater, outdoor entertaining equipment, an a buffet table. And I miss the safety and security of his backyard and all the things that we did together so so so much. Its so hard to find your new version of “normal”. And to realize my “love” did all of this so deliberately and callously. Thank you for another spot on post. You seem to touch on every single thought that I have.

    1. Yes, but just remember that the things you did together, he was mirroring YOUR interests. They were not genuine common shared interests. If he is a genuine psycho, with a new person he would be mirroring her interests, and being what she needed to see.

      I always found that the toughest and most painful of all. That somebody did those things towards me, deliberately. Someone who I gave everything to. I struggled with that. I remember thinking over and over ‘you did it on purpose’…

      Really you would be better off with a man who can do fun, with a better backyard – but who does not have the qualities that this one had 🙂 Ha but you know this…. it is just the healing part and getting through.

      1. The biggest thing that stands out on this comment: is the realisation…he had to have done it on purpose…when U KNOW u’d been there & faithful to him….it BLOWS ur mind….I relate.
        I always said to partner males…if U EVER want to move on…just tell me…I know that info will be hard & hard for me to receive…but give me some RESPECT…just don’t deceive me, esp when U know ur mother was. Seems men get an easy pass to be irresponsible…& it just goes on & on.
        I now think women are DELUSSIONED that men can be good.
        I heard on the radio the other day about effects of TOXIC masculinality…what do they really want? And I ask the same.

  6. The narcissist or sociopath that I dated for almost a year, moved on a month after he dumped me out of the blue. I made a horrible mistake (but gained a valuable lesson) getting involved with a coworker.
    He has turned our mutual coworker/friend, against me. I even told that person that what transpired between the narc and myself is what hell inside a human being feels like. I explained to him the mental anguish and emotional turmoil this person caused me, but none of that mattered, because my ex has money and he buys his friends and lovers.
    Without going into details too much, I basically accidently came across his messages and inappropriate photos of another co worker who is 26 years younger than him. Then I came across messages he was exchanging with a married woman. this was all happening while he was married. So basically I uncovered that he DID in fact cheat on his ex wife whom he accused of being insecure and crazy. The same ex wife he ran to for a rebound, 2 days after he dumped me, because now I’m crazy. what hurt the most is reading the “sweet nothings” he was telling these women, word for word, he was writing to me in love letters and love notes. It hurt so much to realize that none of it was genuine. He convinced me to move in with him, convincing me to leave my amazing low cost apartment. only to discard me few months later. He literally told me he loved me more than anyone that morning, and by that afternoon, I found myself reading a greeting card he left on my work desk. Yes ladies, he dumped me via greeting card at work.
    After I moved out, I refused to speak with him. I haven’t said a word to him in months. He continuously tries to provoke me at work.
    I’m doing better but do believe that I’ve developed a PTSD. My doctor along with a therapist confirmed this. Some days are better than others.
    Apparently he’s moved in with his new love, who has 4 little children. yet he apparently doesn’t like or want kids. He is selling his house and is so serious about his new love that he’ll marry her. All this in 3 months. I hear these things at work, but have told people to stop telling me.
    He tricked me into carrying about him. He never cared about me. it was all for show.
    But it does get better. and I will continue to fight until I can no longer stomach to hear his voice and laughter. It triggers so much anger in me when I hear him laugh.
    Thanks for reading. 🙂

    1. I suggest to U…& I know it may seem HARD…is U report him for sexual harrassment. I know U may have got involved with him thinking something else….but that’s just it…they LIE & LIE. I feel the sooner U approach HR & confide U felt deceived…or at least worried he wasn’t quite telling U the truth before too much time passes…I think U will be heard.

      1. These type of delusional men (in a modern age) are misogynists believing women are just there for F**K.
        I wouldn’t f**k a man just coz he was there for f**king…so these guys MUST be DELUSIONAL.
        I reckon too much PORN is sending them ALL a bit nutty! Yet WHY isn’t it sending the women that way?

      2. I think there is a difference between, societal norms (what has become) due to advances in modern technology and ease of getting sexual kicks, and women (and men) with easy. Easy pick up and easy discharge, than someone who has a clear condition of sociopathy or psychopathy.

        It is a sociopaths playground. After we split mine told me that he would use internet dating, would send out around 25 messages. May get a bite from say 8 or maybe 10. He would go out buy them a drink (small investment) and usually that paid off. I don’t think they really care who it is. As long as that person has what they want.

      3. I like your passion though. I used to be like that on the topic. I guess these days I am more passive about it.

        I do feel for people who remain stuck, long after the relationship has gone. Yeah they are having a great time at someone else’s expense, you might think they feel nothing. But they do get an adrenaline rush from duping, conning and ruining someone else.

  7. Wondering if I am suffering from PTSD…. It has been nearly two years since I escaped my sociopath and I am a shell of the person I used to be… I have no confidence left at all… I don’t go out anymore and I don’t want to meet new people as I no longer trust my own judgement… If I could get sucked in by that ugly malicious man then how can I ever trust anyone again? Really struggling here and wishing I could just be me again… I hate him and never want to see him again… He ruined my life, he tried to ruin my relationship with my daughter and although my daughter has come back home and our relationship is finally back on track, she is really worried about me as I used to be a lot more social… Now I hide at home all the time, rarely answer my phone and shut most people out… I thought I would gradually get back to the person I used to be but I no longer have faith in humanity, I don’t trust anyone, especially myself… Still reeling from the amount of damage he did to the relationships in my life and the more you look back the clearer it becomes just how manipulative he really was… How can I learn to trust myself again when I fell for all his bullshit… So terrified of being manipulated and controlled like that again and feel it’s safer if I just keep to myself….

    1. Sharon,

      what helps me is watching videos about self assurance. I am currently reading a book on breaking codependancy. It has a lot of useful information and it might help you a lot.
      As I type this, my ex is literally outside my office door talking to someone and laughing so loud for no reason. I just want to go over there and ask him to quiet down. hehe.
      Don’t focus on what he did to you. Try to focus on how you can be better. What have you learned from this, what can you do to improve yourself. things of the sort will help you, I believe.

      1. Thanks Me, It must be so hard having to face him every day and still deal with his mind games…. We should all be proud of ourselves as it takes a hell of a lot of strength to break free from them… Realising I need to stop beating myself up all the time, I’m angry at myself for ever getting together with him and not listening to my gut instinct from the start, however I know I will never dismiss my gut instinct again!

  8. Sharon I think you could possibly benefit from seeing a professional therapist. For longer than short term therapy. I have started to do that myself, and it has really made a difference to me and my life. It helps to have the regularity of seeing someone each week. Of working through what you have been through, and of feeling heard. Am unsure what is available in your area. I managed to access longer term psychotherapy, I cannot say how helpful this has been. This person has taken enough from you. If you can afford it. I really would encourage you to see if you could find a good therapist. I think you might find it healing. Also, to do things step by step. Once I started to see the therapist. I felt more confidence to do small things. I got on a train and went to the area where I worked for 10 years. I took my car to a garage and walked around the area I used to live. I went to a place i knew certain people would be. Only for 2 hours. But I went. This is called exposure therapy. Not what I am doing with my counsellor, but because i feel safer in the world, being able to speak, I feel more confident to take things step by step and try to move forward. Even writing on this blog. I haven’t felt ‘safe’ to write here since 2014 (not really). If not, if none of that is available to you. There are plenty of places online. Here and other websites, different places. But from my experience, when you have been that destroyed, actually leaving the house to go to therapy (no matter how tough that is) can be really beneficial (I have found).

    1. Thanks positivagirl… Reading these stories and realising you’re not the only one going through this private hell really helps… Scary just how many sociopaths are out there… Stay positive and strong everybody, we are the lucky ones who managed to break free, now we can help others who are still trapped. I think helping others and discussing our experiences really helps the healing process doesn’t it? Need to stop putting pressure on myself, it has only been a year since I got the last threatening message from him, and part of the reason I choose to stay home is because I don’t want to run into him… He only lives around the corner and he still rides and drives past my house regularly…. Lost many friends due to him and his bullshit but being a hermit is allowing him to still have a level of control over me… You know what, Stuff that! This is my life!!!! Cheers to the Sisterhood!

    2. Positivagirl, I found my therapist pretty useless. I liked her and it gave me a chance to talk, but she never came close to identifying mine as a sociopath or a narcissist, and so she was of little help. How does one find a therapist who understands this stuff?

      What I have found really helpful is HG Tudor’s narcsite. He is a narcissist in treatment and there is a wealth of information there. I don’t know if it’s appropriate to mention on someone else’s blog but it has helped me immensely over the past month or two.

      1. I began my research in 2012. In a traumatised state. Back then there was little on the internet that interested me. So I would hang out on sociopath world forum. I was there pretty much every day for a year. Aside from tens of books, and videos…. for a year, I learned more there than anywhere. I put in something and came across this, was so strange to see the familiar names. It was the forum back in 2012. It made me realise how far I had come as back then I was full blown traumatised and going through hell. Yet didn’t really have any clue I was. This website was written early 2013. The best posts on this site were written in 2013/14 and some of 2015. I think my next website is going to be on post traumatic stress disorder. http://forum.2298483.n4.nabble.com/Sociopath-World-Bullshit-Bingo-td4645081.html

  9. Hi all, I escaped! Then he ignored my request for no contact (lots of pity hoovers). So I tried to be friends. BIG mistake because he did the same sort of stuff as when we were lovers. Since I no longer cared about being lovers, however, I went absolutely ballistic and told him he was a psychopath and had a personality disorder – that in another life he could have been a serial killer, and on and on. I then forced him come to my house so I could watch him delete our years of emails and EMPTY THE TRASH. Gone. He had no choice because I threatened to go to his house. This happened just two weeks ago – it was brutal because he made it all as difficult as possible given that it was a request that *I* made – that he had to do something for *me*! I say this because what positivagirl listed is so true about the ways we fool ourselves, from trying to be friends to remembering the ‘good’ times. But I have processed all of it over the past five months (which is when I rejected his last attempt to get me back into an affair) and can now accept that nothing that was meaningful to me was meaningful to him. In fact, I am pretty sure he has already replaced me. All I can say is that I wish her luck (and I wish his wife luck too).

    1. Aw Valerie, well done to you. As the dust settles and the silence creeps in. Please do not second doubt or question the decision that you have made. It is the right one. Each day away from him you will heal some more. Try to keep yourself busy. Set yourself goals, even small ones and reward yourself. I think you have done so well. Although I don’t want him to ruin someone else’s life, you know that while he is gone, likely he will be doing just that.

      You are now free to re-discover and follow your own dreams now. Remember he would have played a lot of mind tricks while with you, and these might repeat on you in the days ahead, but stay strong. What you have done is amazing, for you!!

      1. Hi Positivagirl, I am very, very busy. Plus he is moving. I only have to hold out for another month (though being in another country never stopped him before). We are still connected on a messaging app and I have managed not to look. It is my test of myself. So far, so good.

        I don’t want him to ruin someone else’s life either but he is ruining his wife’s life and putting her health at risk, so I am still on the fence about telling her. When he was deleting all of my emails I saw the name of another woman (unfortunately did not get the full name or would have tracked her down). Since it is his fake email and I know his m.o., I am absolutely sure he is doing the same thing, which puts his wife at risk.

      2. I wouldn’t bother telling her. He will only lie about you anyway. It might sow the seeds of doubt in her mind. But equally he could come after you to try to ruin and destroy you. They do take revenge and will absolutely destroy you. It is not worth your life for that. She probably knows……. and he lies to cover it up.

  10. I’ve been having conversations with women who have narc husbands and they have all said that they would have wanted to know way before they found out. I’ve just been waiting for my own mind to calm down so I am not so emotional. There isn’t much he can do to me. Not only are they moving, but because I made him delete all of our correspondence, he basically has no way to punish me. She absolutely does not know. Even Harvey Weinstein’s wife did not know!! These people are amazingly devious. Mine made a few mistakes – for instance, keeping me on a messaging app so I emailed one of our conversations to myself (has his name and number, my first name, and the content of the message about the affair). I don’t care what she does with the information or if he lies. I will give her enough information so that she knows I am not lying, and I would have done my duty.

  11. When I identified my sociopath, I immediately contacted his wife (30yr marriage-he used an alias) and also discovered another person, who was male that he was involved with. I paid my P I. to tell him too. Exposure is what they fear most.

    1. I probably should have done it immediately too but I didn’t. Instead, I left the relationship and then a few months later agreed to an affair. Mine does not seem to fear exposure. I rather think he wants me to tell because he wants the drama!

    2. You are so smart! I wish I had done what you did. You handled that in a very safe and brilliant way. Good for you. Thank you for sharing. Your post will help so many people. It helped me! ❤️❤️❤️

  12. I did it. I contacted his wife. She had no clue. She said OMG that is crazy when I told her his m.o. She also said she was gutted and humiliated, so it turns out I was right about her. She actually seems like a very nice person. I wouldn’t tell her who I was because I don’t want to be online stalked anymore or be involved, and it doesn’t matter anyway. But I did give her enough information so she knows I am not lying. She was surprised but her first response was definitely not denial. In any case, it is out of my hands now and I am not invested at all in the outcome. I sleep very soundly and I look better than I have in years!

    1. I’m glad you feel relief. You helped someone else. The other women I met, that my ex was seeing, were all very cool. He described them as horrible people. I liked all of them. They were smart, beautiful, and kind. I think we were all so thankful to talk to each other and know it wasn’t us. Thanks for your post. You are awesome.

      1. Now she doesn’t want to believe it. I don’t see it as my job to make her believe it but I do like her. Should I meet up with her? I am really nervous about this situation. I realize I opened a can of worms but I can’t convince her without concrete evidence, which I won’t send over email.

      2. You will go around in the circle and find that the posts I have written on the topic are true. Focus on you. Healing you. He will groom her to believe you are the crazy one. You could end up with police visiting you for harassment malicious communication and be surprised to learn that she is his witness.

      3. Oof. OK. I will definitely keep that in mind! Luckily she does not know my name or what I look like, and I am using a fake email that he doesn’t know about. I also do have concrete evidence. But at this point I do have other things to do deal with. Her problem if she doesn’t want to believe!

      4. If they went to police. They can track ip addresses etc. True sociopath and psychopaths you do not want to mess with. Your life will become a nightmare and you might have no idea why? Any confrontation that I recommend in the how to get even post is really only for damage limitation control for those trapped when it is out of control and to minimise losses. If this isn’t you. Run.

      5. Well, I can track his ip address too, then, and I have 3000 emails between us. But yeah, not worth my time or energy.

      6. And thanks for running intervention! I don’t want my guilt or emotional thinking to get the better of me.

      7. I would walk away. That’s what I did. I let a few women know and left it alone. It’s not your job to do anything. It doesn’t matter what she decides for herself. You did a nice thing. I’m just glad YOU are doing well.i am very sorry you had to go through this. I totally understand the pain you have felt. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

  13. Just let it go now Valerie…U warned the woman…what she does with the info is up to her now. I know if I got info like that – I’d be watching a little closer. Of course, he will groom her over with lies & she may choose to believe him…but one thing certain about sociopaths…they CAN’T stop their awful behaviour without REAL conscious restraint…they’ll be back to their OLD tricks before long, due to their perpetual boredom & juvenile love of drama for others…so, sooner or later, she’ll hopefully wake up….or otherwise, suffer the consequences.
    As the saying goes…by Maya Angelou….
    When someone shows you who they are, believe them the FIRST time.
    Even Dr Phil says: we must STOP the benefit-of-the-doubt expecting to find the good in all people….actions speak LOUDER than words. Sociopaths rely on YOUR benefit-of-the-doubt….they USE it to their advantage….they are master emotional manipulators & con-artists.
    Gavin de Becker (author of The Gift of Fear) says TRUST your INTUITION…that “eerie feeling” that something is WRONG…is exactly what he wants women to pay attention to. “As women – we try too hard to ANALYSE the warning signs,” he says. When what we really need to understand is the feeling IS the WARNING sign. All the other stuff is our seeking to find explanation for the feeling. Why it was this, why it was that. It really DOESN”T matter! The feeling itself IS the WARNING! It is KNOWING without needing to know why. Learn to TRUST your INTUITION – stop the excuses & offering benefit-of-the-doubt for other’s bad behaviour! Coz, as he claims: intuition IS usually RIGHT as it has your best interest at HEART!
    Take Care.

    1. Exactly right, sick of BS. I’ve let it go now. I warned her because I don’t want her to get an STI. The thing that struck me in her responses was that she was most worried that everyone around her knows. I mean her first response was not ‘what’? ‘He would never do anything like that’ or ‘I feel so betrayed.’ She insisted on having a name because she wanted to make sure it was no one she knew and no one who knew any of their friends. I talked to a psychologist friend of mine about it and she said the wife clearly knows what he does but also knows nothing she can do makes any difference. So she’s embarassed. I don’t think she turns a blind eye and I think it is painful for her. He must have been doing this for a long time and as far as I know (I am not sure) she tried kicking him out once to ‘teach him a lesson,’ and then asked to reconcile. She must be completelty trauma bonded :-(. I feel badly for her but I did what I could without putting myself in danger, so I feel fine about it. Funny but I had a dream last night that I told him I loved him (something I never said) and he completely changed for the better. Now that’s funny! Hahaha.

  14. Hello ladies,

    I feel like this injustice is eating me up.
    I hate hearing his voice at work. Keeps bragging about his new lady to his co worker friend, whom he turned against me. Imagine having 2 jerks act like I’m the crazy one. Why does he get away with this???
    I’ve told people at work about what he did, and who he is and while they say yea we can see that, obviously they were never emotionally attached to him, so it doesn’t bother them when he brags about his time with the new woman.
    I’m not sure what my deal is that I can’t forgive and move on.

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