Do you, after a period of recovery miss the sociopath? Do you look back to the happy times? Do you ever wonder how did things go so wrong? If you hear the voice inside of your head that questions, ‘why couldn’t it just have been like that all of the time’? I hope that this post explains how the sociopath operates to control and manipulate you. What is going on inside of your head, when you have those ‘missing you‘thoughts and pangs. Remember that you have been in a relationship, that was controlling, manipulative, and deceptive. This post will look at how the sociopath focuses on feeding your comfort zone, to own you.
The sociopath focuses on your comfort zone to manipulate and control you. Think about what is in your comfort zone? Where are you safe? What makes you happy? It could be anything at all, home, comfort foods, things you love to watch on tv, candle lit baths…. everyone has a comfort zone. This would have been your comfort zone before you met the sociopath. The sociopath will focus on providing for your needs in the comfort zone, to keep you ‘comfortable’ and happy. When you leave the relationship, this can impact on your ability to heal and also your ability to move on. Even when you are much further down the line with recovery, you can suddenly miss the sociopath and all the good and happy times that you experienced.
It is likely that many of those happy times, were when you felt most ‘content’. It is normal to feel content when you are in your comfort zone, and not pushing boundaries.
I will describe a diagram to illustrate this. Imagine a circle. In the centre of the circle is your comfort zone. Outside of this circle there is a set of three rings. The first ring that is surrounding the comfort zone is labelled anxiety. Around that there is second ring. This ring is labelled fear. Around this ring there lies the final ring. This ring is labelled panic. In another circle, away from the comfort zone there is the magic. In that circle, lies freedom, but to get to freedom you have to take a risk. You have to go through anxiety, fear, even panic. But if you stay determined, and keep going. You will find your freedom.
The sociopath will after assessment, groom you, to keep you. They do this, by keeping your needs happy and fulfilled (or so you think) within the comfort zone. For example, if you like chocolate, they buy you a chocolate cake. This will make you feel happy and content. It is feeding your needs, of what you like. If you like going out, they will come with you. If you enjoyed watching particular programmes on TV, the sociopath will mirror you and not only watch those TV programmes with you, but will also schedule the shows for you. The sociopath will feign interest in everything that is within your own comfort zone, and not only share those experiences with you, they also feed your comfort zone. They nurture your comfort zone and take care of it. In this way you feel ‘happy’ and ‘content’.
So far, this is all good. The sociopath is feeding your comfort zone. You are not aware that this is happening. All that you are aware of is that you feel ‘happy and content’. It wouldn’t occur to you, that the things that the sociopath are interested in right now, with you are things that they were never interested in before, and likely won’t be once the relationship is over. Unless, of course they meet someone who is an identical blueprint of you, which is of course, highly unlikely.
What lies in your comfort zone?
Your own comfort zone is individual to you. Everybody is individual, and what lies in one persons comfort zone, might not be in another. Your comfort zone is where you feel safe and secure. That spot that makes you feel happy, safe, content and secure. Your comfort zone is determined by various things such as your background, what your needs and wants are, your morals and values, memories, etc etc. When you are in the comfort zone you feel ‘content’ this is why you will hardly notice the isolation that is occurring. In your mind, you are ‘content’.
Whilst still in the relationship, you will eventually need, like all people, to leave your comfort zone. This is so that you can grow. Everybody needs personal growth. However, the sociopath will feel threatened when you assert your own rights and freedom of will. They will not be happy with the thought of you going anywhere other than the comfort zone that they are feeding. This makes the sociopath feel threatened, as they risk losing control. If you try too hard to leave your comfort zone, you will find that the sociopath will then feed the next level around the ring – anxiety.
What lies in the ring of anxiety?
When the sociopath feels threatened that you are no longer happy living in the comfort zone, or that you are looking for individual growth/personal achievement, the sociopath shifts, and starts to feed the next ring. This second ring is labelled control/fear. The sociopath will attempt to keep you locked into the comfort zone by feeding you control and anxiety.
In the anxiety ring – the sociopath will attempt to knock things that make you feel secure
- Will tell you false information
- Will lie to you
- Will make you feel that you are only safe with them
- Will make you feel anxious about a future without them
- Most importantly, will unsettle your comfort zone, to knock you off balance
The sociopath will go further. If you start to object, or if you fight back and are still determined to leave, the sociopath will up their game and focus. To keep you controlled. In the following ring is Fear – in the ring of fear lies direct threats
What lies in the ring of fear?
- If you do this, I will do x x
- Nobody would want you anyway – you will never meet anyone as good as me
- I will tell others about you
- I will report you for….
- I am going to be with someone else and live an amazing life
- I will ruin you, and ruin your life
- You cannot be with anyone else, I will not let you
If you are still determined to leave, the sociopath will move further. Now they go into the next ring and in this ring is panic. Often by this time, the sociopath has left the relationship. The sociopath will often leave when you move out of the comfort zone and into the zone of anxiety and are determined to keep going.
The ring of panic is particularly difficult to deal with and to cope with. In this ring the sociopath is upping the game. You are now at a loss, and feeling absolutely devastated. You cannot believe that this is happening. The person that was feeding your comfort zone is long gone. This is the ring where the sociopath is unmasked. This is ring of destruction in this ring:
- Direct ruining and smear campaigns
- Lies about you, attempts to ruin your reputation
- Legal battles in court
- Trying to take away your children
- Turning family and friends against you
- Theft and stealing (although not always) and threats that there is nothing that you can do about it
- Stalking, hacking, harassment
- Physical assault
It is in the zone of panic, that you feel that things are really out of control. The sociopath is now out of control. It is now that the sociopath is on a one way mission to destroy you, and your life.
Not all sociopaths move through all of the rings. Some can choose to leave, and give up the need to control you when they realise that they are not going to get from you what they want. When this happens, you just experience sudden discard. A sociopath that is determined to keep you and not let you go will go through all of the stages.
When you get to the zone of panic it is common to feel:
- Shocked
- Numb
- Disbelief
- Panicked
- Terror
- Frightened
This is exactly the sociopath’s intention. This is happening for one of two reasons either
- They do not want to let you go – and want to force you to become back under their control
- They literally want to destroy you, as if you never existed
Why do sociopaths do this?
Sociopaths do this, as they feel angry about the time that they have spent grooming you. They would have spent a considerable amount of time and effort feeding your comfort zone. In their eyes they have put a lot of work in to groom you, to own you, to possess you. They cannot see that it is right that you now have the opportunity to leave them. They cannot see that what was in your comfort zone was there already before they met you. Before you met the sociopath, you clearly had your own likes and dislikes, and things in your life that made you happy. Perhaps you didn’t even know what those things were. You just knew when you felt happy and content.
The sociopath is expert at reading people, and reading their needs and wants. They would have assessed you in the very beginning, asked lots of questions in the interview stage. The sociopath sees it as their right to now destroy everything that makes you feel safe and secure. This is why you can feel like a tornado has ripped through your heart, your life, and your mind. And it can feel scary what is going to happen next.
How can this affect your perception of the relationship, and your ability to move on?
Remember that the sociopath deliberately creates dependency and addiction to them (by focusing on your comfort zone). When someone first quits something that is bad for them, they know all of the reasons why they are quitting. You might be frightened. You might feel that you are not prepared to tolerate being treated in that way. You might feel that you are suffering huge financial losses. You will probably feel hurt and betrayed. Alternatively, you might have no choice, the sociopath might have left and moved onto someone else.
Missing the bad guy/gal
After the resolve has gone, when No Contact has been successful for a while, the strength and resolve to stick to the quit, starts to wain. Because you might not be hurting as bad anymore, or perhaps you have felt forgiveness, maybe your own mind is now looking back with rose coloured glasses. You don’t feel frightened anymore. You have probably gained a lot of wisdom, and think that you are stronger.
You then look back – and this is where you miss the sociopath. You miss the sociopath because you miss how content you felt whilst your comfort zone was being fed. You will think, of the ‘happy’ times. You will think how it made you feel. You might even reason and ration with yourself, that it wasn’t that bad after all. With anxiety, fear and panic removed, you now focus back to the good part. How the good part made you feel.
You are now focusing on how the sociopath deliberately fed your comfort zone. What was good and happy, was merely a sociopathic trick to manipulate and control you. They do this to own you and possess you. Ownership and possession are probably as close an experience as they come to love.
You need to see the truth. To see how it really is. What exactly are you missing? Realistically what you are missing is this –
- Feeling at one in your comfort zone
- Feeling happy and content
- The ability to trust
- Feeling that you were with someone who was just like you
- Feeling that you were with your soul mate and your best friend
This is what can cause so much confusion for victims of sociopaths when you leave the relationship. It is confusing, even trying to explain it to other people can be confusing. After all, there are mixed messages. The sociopath – was both wonderful – and awful at the same time? How can that be? You felt frightened of the sociopath – yet at the same time, when you were with him/her you were reporting how you felt happier than you had felt in your life.
The truth is that both sides are true. It isn’t that you have become a person with a split personality. It is that your mind has been manipulated and controlled. It was done for the purposes of ownership, control and possession.
The next time that you are looking back with rose coloured glasses, ask yourself, exactly ‘what’ are you missing? Be honest with yourself. Be really honest. If you find that you are missing – feeling happy and content. Ask yourself why you felt this way?
To overcome this, write a list. What makes YOU feel happy and content? It is there, it was within you from the beginning, before you met the sociopath. Many of these things that made you feel content, were there from childhood. Just because the sociopath hijacked you, it doesn’t mean that there has to be constantly a hijacker’s image in your head for the rest of your life. You can be happy and be free!!!
See the truth – undo the mind control and set yourself free!!
Copyright datingasociopath.com 2013
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Dating a Sociopath 
My soc got crazy as he saw me leaving, becoming stronger ands calling him out on things . Things we’re escalating quickly.. BUT he never has tried to “ruin” me yet. I am very realistic about things now. I still feel he hasn’t went to that point YET because he plans to be able (thinks that is,) to come back when he needs again. Does that make sense?
Ah I was wondering how you were heather. How are you doing? Are you still sticking with no contact?
Positiva,
Hello, I am doing better everyday. Nope, no contacf. Although I one of his friends, out of the blue text me to say Happy Thanksgiving ( I 99% believe he was behind it.) I’m much better. Just expecting the unexpected. Bc like I said in my original post. He has not tried to ruin me. But I believe he will try and he fills his need when he needs it. As I just service a purpose to him. Fill needs.
Yes, and he will try. Stay strong.
Thank you KJ. I don’t want to say I am waiting for him. BUT I know he will be back. Break ups of 7 weeks and 3 months before. We just hit week 6 here. I am just being realistic.
Pos, this is really good! I’ve been feeling this way and I’m sure a lot of other people are feeling this way to because of the Holiday season (from Thanksgiving all the way to the New Years, over a period of 1 1/2 months) in the States it is a big deal. So. I’m missing the companionship. I’ve been trying to keep myself busy but as of lately I have been thinking about the good times (or I thought) in the relationship. Hang in there everyone this Holiday season is hard! But we can do it No Contact!!!!!! 4 months and counting!!!!!!!
Well done for four months…. if you think about it… try to see the cycle backwards again. think that to get out you would have to get out through those outer rings again.
Happiness is an inside job. All that you need to find that contentment is within you. It was just an illusion that you thought it lay with him.
kay – so, so true. i really struggled over thanksgiving and was dreading xmas and new years. i’m thinking a good thing to do is go away somewhere that is completely removed from anywhere that reminds me of the s-path. like the other side of the country. NC 2 months as of tmrw. stay strong!
Thank you for posting! I kind of knew some of this but this explains it more in depth what I was going through.
I just went thru this. I may allow myself a few tears but then remind myself of the truth
How are you doing Judahbug?
Great post again Pos and so true.
What was my comfort zone? Affection is on the top of the list and Humour closely following. We were so affectionate. Always touching, holding hands, caressing cuddling. He told me that he was not affectionate with his ex at all and loved that I brought that out in him. It appeared to me that he was almost more affectionate than me. I mistook affection for intimacy.
It’s interesting. The night of the miscarriage and the first almost break up, he quickly took it to the fear/anxiety stage and i begged him not to leave and give it another go, from then till the first real break up he jumped between fear/anxiety and comfort stage, obviously to control me. With the first real break up he got to the fear stage, but then I took control and told him to go figure out whether he wanted to be with me or not so he tried panic and i rebelled so he punished me… it took a while to work. The second time when he realised that anxiety wasnt working (as i had grown from the first break up and was learning boundaries and self respect) He dropped me like a hot potato. He didn’t bother with the others. I was now a lost cause.
As you know, recently I lost my job and I started missing him and missing us. I even had a cry about it once. But you are right… what i was missing was the affection, the cuddles, the human contact. I wanted to be in my comfort zone because everything else was hurting. And because he had made my comfort zone synonymous with him, I craved him.
Unfortunately the only cuddles i get now are with my cat as all my family are in another state and I have only a few friends that aren’t touchy feely like me. So I respect that.
Hmmmm, this opens up some other questions in my life… My lack of motivation is almost like a comfort zone… a new one that I have had to create as the last one is gone. Interesting.
Oops. Forgot to tick notify me of follow up comments.
Ah good, am pleased that it has got you thinking. You know that the magic lives outside of the comfort zone…. that is where the action happens.
This is why a lot of people stay stuck, and struggle to move on. They get scared to leave their comfort zone. As it doesn’t feel safe to do so. And this can hold you back and stop motivation that you perhaps felt before.
very true. I have never been scared of change or action before and therefore my recent lack of motivation has me stumped.
the things that you describe in your comfort zone there is no reason why you couldnt one day meet someone who gives you that. Its a normal thing to have in a relationship. This time without the anxiety, control that goes with it 🙂
I know you are right. And i look forward to it. During the love bombing there was no anxiety. They really play the game so well. Very scary.
Gosh Pos, the more I think about this, the more it rings so true.
When i first met him I was completely motivated, as we got more and more comfortable my motivation had started to drop massively.
He really was playing me so well. All that you said. Weeks before the miscarriage, he had been gaming with me with anxiety… then showing me comfort, then anxiety… the night of the miscarriage was all about him taking it to the next level of control… after that he started being cruel and I was seeing bits of a person I didnt know. Blaming me, taking my confidence, making me feel anxious and horrible as if it was all me. It goes on and on.
Now though I am still not motivated… Is this me hanging on to the last bit of the comfort zone that he played me? I don’t know if that is true… it doesn’t resonate completley with me but there is definitely something there…
No, I think perhaps I haven’t explained it too well. You know how in the beginning you felt motivated? This was you, and who you were. You were able to take risks, and just seek out new opportunities in life.
Being with a sociopath, they hone in on your comfort zone. When you try to do (as anyone does) anything for yourself, your own time, your own needs. Anything really. The sociopath will feel edgy about this. You stay unmotivated, because you are keeping yourself in your comfort zone, things like staying at home, or staying where you stay safe. You do this to stop yourself from being hurt. What is within your own comfort zone was there anyway. It is the core of who you are. The things that make you happy. The sociopath distorts this reality. There is almost an ‘over supply’ to the comfort zone, so that when the relationship is over, you can feel bereft, and empty.
I wish that I could explain in words, the things that I understand in my head. I really struggle with it sometimes. The gaming, is keeping you under control. right now, the only person keeping you controlled – is you.
It is normal for people to stay in their comfort zone after the relationship has ended. This is healing. Stay in, watch a chick flick, eat your favourite foods and to hell if it is bad for you. Anything really – this is good and healing. But if you stay there, it is not good. As it stops you from being motivated and moving on. It is then your own fear barriers that stop you from moving out of your own comfort zone, for fear of rejection, for fear of not being good enough. Yet, we all need to do this, to move forward.
Does that make sense at all? I am really struggling with words right now, or putting complex things, into understandable formats.
No you have explained it perfectly, and it makes sense. I think it’s me messing up my explanation, partly because I’m still getting my head around it.
Xx
My next question is, how do I get myself motivated again? This is what I’ve been discussing with my councillor. I also feel like this connected with my last steps of letting go completely…
I think the very first step, is feel healed. As otherwise fear will hold you back. Once you feel at peace and at one with yourself, you will find it easier.
Maybe, your job went to give you some time off to heal and recover?
I always find goal orientated tasks are good. This helps you to feel that you are achieving. They can be something as stupid as clearing out a cupboard, or painting a room, or make yourself get out there and go for a walk. When you can tick off even small goals (and have one long term one to aim for)…. you start to focus on success and achieving, rather than focusing on loss, fear and getting it wrong.
This will help you to re-set your mindset. Start small. Don’t set too big tasks as not achieving will make you feel worse. As you do those things – bit by bit you will start to grow, and when you know that you can do it again – you will do it again. You will need to… otherwise you would get bored. If you aren’t bored right now – this just means that you are spending time on you and on healing 🙂
This website has truly kept me awake … I am currently 3 months out of a 20 year marriage and the dual life of the covert sociopath took this long to discover. A true professional. Unless someone has been through it, it’s hard to believe the brilliant spider web that is woven. I sooo look forward to this posting to keep me head clear. Thank you positivagirl
Thank you desert welcome to the site!! 🙂
Hi, Desert Rose–
I was married for 20 years, also, to a person I know now is a sociopath. Don’t feel bad about the length of time it’s taken to figure this out! It’s taken me almost 30 years to get over the “I can’t believe I was married to a sociopath” phase. But now, after reading this blog and a couple of really good books, I know. And the web is absolutely brilliant! I agree. You have lots of company, I suspect.
In my experience, everything you say here is so true! I sensed that he had a reason for belittling my friends and for putting me down whenever he caught me watching tv. Whatever I enjoyed and gave me a feeling of contentment, he ridiculed. And then when I got strong enough to call him on his s–t, he acted as if he had “seen the light” and had changed. What was so sad is that he asked me to buy our daughter some pretty dresses during this time, and I was happy about that because I thought, “Oh, he is finally showing her he cares about her and is proud of her.” I felt good because I thought our relationship as a family was getting better because he was changing for the good. It was shortly after this that I caught him using her for sex. Then I realized the lengths he had gone to in tricking me and trying to lull me into thinking he had changed.
I had no problem with the “no contact” because after I had reported him to the police, he moved out of town. I saw him as the judge pronounced him guilty of a Class C Felony, and that gave me great pleasure, but I never wanted to see him at any other time. I was left to clean up the mess he made of my daughter’s life and of my own life, and in the process of doing that, I had no desire to have any connection with him whatsoever except to receive the child support money. He had to have supervised visitations, and after a couple of visitations, he stopped visiting. As they say, “Good riddance to bad rubbish.”
You have been through so much. I really think that you were with a distempered psychopath. The sociopath feeds the comfort zone, that is why people remember the happy times.
It sounds as if for you, there were little happy times. I just wanted to tell you how brave I think you are.
Thank you, Positivagirl. I’m not sure that I was so brave, but I was sure as hell ANGRY when I caught him. The energy from my anger helped give me the courage to confront him and report him. I knew when I made that call to the police that my daughter and I were going to suddenly go from middle class into poverty and that our lives would change dramatically. We would no longer be a “normal” family. But we survived despite the hardships, and I will never, ever regret turning him in. No little girl–nobody, for that matter!–should have to live in fear as my daughter and I did.
As for happy times, there were few happy times as a family. However, I made sure that my kids and I had interests outside our home, and that helped make our lives bearable. Of course, my ex didn’t like that, but I refused to let him stop us. One thing that really irritated him was the fact that I took the kids to church and to church functions. The kids and I had a social life at church, and there was really no way short of beating us all up that would prevent us from going to church. Luckily, he was smart enough to avoid doing anything that would leave marks, so we continued attending church and enjoying potlucks, etc.
So you see, life during those twenty years of my marriage was not all bad. I just made darned sure that the kids and I had a life away from home. The weird thing was that my ex was scared of our son. He bullied him and verbally abused him, but my son had a pretty good sense of himself and he made sure he spent as little time at home as possible. It was when my son went off to college that my ex really stepped up the violence against my daughter and me. I guess he figured that with our son gone, he could get away with the abuse, and for about a year he did–until I caught him and turned him in. My son has been a lawyer for about 20 years now, and now my ex has a BIG reason to be afraid of him!
Pos,
This post has been the most needed and difficult one for me.
My mother never made it out or recognized this. I am only now truly seeing things for what they are.
It is imperative that I getting motivation back– I’m sucked into the comfort vortex like I’ve been drugged. I hate how this feels, but I am so ambivalent about everything. I have always been very decisive, energetic & enthusiastic. Now, I’ve been taking little actions — but I really need to take some big ones — find job, place– I’m opting for this unsafe, so called safety of comfort zone -/ I have forgotten how to be unafraid and sure of myself. Doubts and low self esteem are very new– but feel familiar & anestisized — I feel trapped. How on earth can you recover from this in a timely manner — I need to work– I feel my ability to trust, discern others or myself is shaky at best. Even with exercise, counsel and support– I’m struggling to break free especially as it applies to family of origin — and the NC with soc and all implications seem to be giving me a template -/ but I only had 9 months with him, a lifetime with my family. I have never had stability or security within my family. I have had it on my own since a young girl — but since soc, everything feels druggy, foggy, surreal. I want my old self back with some updating after all this. This feels like quick sand– what to do?? It’s hard to see and take the best action when your living in the comfort crap. I’m exhausted, and just want peace & rest — this is not who I really am UGH!!!!!EL
That is how it can feel, an oversupply of the comfort zone, numb, like you have been drugged. There is no challenges. But you are doing amazingly well EL. Think of all the things that you are doing. The boundaries that you are breaking. Trust, is a big word. An important one too. To get past this one, you need to trust and to believe in yourself.
Remember that all this ‘nice’ stuff in the comfort zone is not reality – nobody can stay there forever. The sociopath loved to keep you there, as it kept you owned and controlled. Exactly where they wanted you. You might choose to stay there afterwards, as you have been mind controlled. It feels safe. Remember who you were before? In life before, there were ups and downs. You had to take risks to get anywhere, and you had to push those boundaries. If you feel that you are not ready for that yet, you aren’t. This is fine too, you will be when you are – as you will get bored, and lethargic otherwise. 9 months can be a long time, in an abusive relationship. It takes 9 months to make a human being. I am sure that a sociopath could alter your sense of reality in 9 months.
El and Pos, what you have both said here resonates massively with me – thank you.
Wow Pos, what an incredibly timely post this has been for me. I feel like the last of this is just ahead of me… It feels like when you have a word you want to use and it’s just on the tip of your tongue but you can’t find it… And then suddenly there it is…. I just have to find that word… 😃 🙂
In thinking about what you said and in reflecting on my previous reply, I can see now that what probably saved my kids and me was the fact that I made sure we had a life away from home. My ex had no desire to go to church, and he ridiculed us for going. But at least there we had friends, a social life, events to look forward to, especially at Christmas and Easter, and we had activities we were invested in such as choir, a few classes, etc. I think my ex was afraid to go too far in his bullying because he was afraid he might get caught, so he didn’t stop us from our outside activities. He just stepped up his nastiness when we got home. Since then, my kids and I have shaped our own lives, and I know I’m happy with mine!
Good, as you so deserve to be happy!!! 🙂
He has to live with his actions every day 😦
This was very well thought through. Thank you. I closer look at the “aftermath”, which is really helpful. We all need each other so much in the beginning stages…its almost a moment by moment basis in which we reach out to one another, and pull us from one day of NC to another. It is truly awesome.
It has been 5 months of NC with the soc. It is mind blowing to see my life now. Also, considering our “relationship” was really only 5 months this last stint (yet on and off for 10 years). It is crazy to be a full “lap” around out of the relationship.
Regarding my comfort zone, I had always dreamed of moving across the country to pursue the biggest career move I could make. It would be a dream come true in my personal and financial life. He would sometimes support it, and then other times tell me he wouldn’t be with me if I decided to do it.
Well, after we finally split, I did it. I have been here for 3 months. I have started over. I have built a completely new life for myself. I have started a new career that is so incredibly rewarding. I am outside all the time. I love where I live. I love the newness to the experience. AND I am dating someone who is normal.
All of these changes at once are somewhat of a shock to the system after the year I have had, and after closing the book on 10 years. But I am here, I am alive, and I am thriving. I have had the strongest income earning year of my young adult life, despite the hardest personal year of my life. I have made enormous changes, but have learned myself through and through. I now know what I will tolerate and what I won’t.
And you know what? Although I face some challenges with letting go of the pain and trauma everything was, I don’t even question the new guy. I can’t possibly fit him into that messed up box of a sociopath because he is so different. He just ISNT so many of the things the soc was. It isn’t even the same ball park.
It’s a strange feeling, I tell you. I do think of him. Maybe once a day, maybe once every other day. Mostly in a sense that I wonder if he knows where i am now. I wonder if he knows I am happy. I wonder if he thinks of me. I wonder what he thinks, if anything. I wonder if he sees my smile and knows that he will never have me again?
i love this GL… Well done you. I can not wait till I am at this stage.. i know that it is just around the corner 🙂
Peace xxxx
You will get there. I have been coming to this site when I was in the early stages of shock and disbelief. I didn’t even go NC for the first month. I couldn’t really wrap my head around him not being in my life. But, here we are. He’s gone and I’m doing better.
I can’t say I don’t miss him. Even if I do understand the “why” behind missing him, doesn’t really change that I do. It may have been a game to him, but it was real to me. There are times when I laugh and wish that I could call him to share the laugh. But then I remember what a terrible person he is and how dangerous it is to my well being. I have learned to treat it as if I am mourning the death of someone.
Would you say that you benefited from reading this site GL? Did it help you?
WOW WOW WOW GL!!!! How good to hear your update and how well you are now doing with your life. I remember a time when you were so broken, you would post out for help every day. I am almost pleased when I don’t see people – as I hope that they are moving on with their lives and are happy.
It is so good to hear how life is now working out for you. How you have turned your life around. You know, I would love to do a page – where people could put their stories of how they turned their life around – and how things worked out for them. To give people hope, that you can recover, you can heal. AFTER TEN YEARS!!! Your story is truly awesome!!! 🙂 Thank you for letting us know how you are doing.
You are welcome – and honestly, I don’t think I could have done this as quickly and as permanently without all of your support, and the support of others. Truly, feeling “not alone” has made all the difference. I’ll never forget the huge breakthroughs I was having about him, almost on a daily basis.
This site has been a huge help. I even check up on it once a week or so, just to read new posts and see how others are doing. I would like to make a donation but do not have a paypal account. Is this easy to set up? I am not great with technology but would love to show my appreciation if it is an easy process! And, i guess even if it isn’t an easy process :-P. Any pointers?
Don’t worry about the donation GL, it is reward for me to see you doing so well 🙂
What you could do though, when I have set up the page for feedback, is to write something to say how this site has benefited you. I think that this will give people who are just out of the relationship and in the fog of confusion hope…. that there really is light at the end of the tunnel 🙂
Not a problem, I’d be happy to contribute.
I also wish there was a way for me to share more details of this journey without completely blowing my anonymity. I think it would make for a much better and happier ending than just “I moved across the country”. I’d love to share details about what brought me here, what I am doing, where I am and how such a turn around it has been in just 6 months…
Congratulations GL,
. Wow 5 months that’s awesome, so happy for you, your finally in tune with you. Have a happy and rewarding life GL!!! Love an Peace 😃
dear positivagirl,
thank you for all of your thoughtful & helpful postings – i think you make yourself very clear! many times your posts address EXACTLY what i’ve been struggling with that week/day.
i relate to empathic love’s comment…NC for a little over 5 months now, sometimes i feel relief – stronger & productive and the desire to get my life up & running.
i start to move forward…but then, out of NOWHERE, i drop like cement shoes to the bottom of the lake. something triggers me, then i feel shell-shocked all over again. it’s such a sharp swing that i am cognizant i’m falling, but it’s an odd out-of-body experience, where i don’t want this to be me, but i can’t help me.
lately i’ve descended into this dark-lonely-sad-tired sticky muck. this sounds pitifully melodramatic. i’m so sick of it. i thought i was past it(!?!), so how in the world am i again missing how we laughed, talked, “loved”, and the support & encouragement i thought i had in that “relationship”, despite the obvious lies/abuse/humiliation…ick!!!
i’ve never felt bi-polar, but to drop from what i thought was slight progress to beyond depression is really scary. i feel like a broken record. this isn’t the real me, but it’s so strong. i want to tell me to wake up and move on, but it’s like i’m my own dead weight…i don’t know if this makes sense.
is it typical that with greater distance from the spath, the more (scary)clarity about the situation you gain?…but then with that clarity doesn’t come comfort, but sadness/shock from so obviously being played? things i am seeing in hindsight are fairly frightening & they are multiplying. i’m not so sure these are good things to face, but maybe they are…?
actually, rereading everyone’s comments really helps to feel support. i’m going to take your advice about setting small goals. i guess i am looking for more reassurance. i hope i’m not being too redundant. i want to put good vibes out in the world, not sadness and fear.
Pos thank you– I know this is where I must focus my recovery most, this is where the damage is the deepest for me.
I completely understand the cement shoes feeling of mig maypop, along with out of body and she def put in words for me that the more distance is double edged. It’s the distance that makes you feel both safe and unsafe! As you see the reality unfold it feels empowering some times and totally inconceivable other times– devastating, dangerous and a mind “F” —I can see myself like a drugged cartoon going bananas from the comfort zone in and out of outer rings back to comfort zone all the way out of the circles then way back into comfort, outer rings etc — reinforcing the crazies. Now, it’s a double ring as I am already exhausted & tapped by soc ring which I continue to fight my way out & now I’m also running through the same family loop as I have been back home since Late Aug — after soc and ol roommate got entangled. I’m so scared ill wind up completely collapsed with a broken spirit and heart likes mom- basically incarcerated in her own home, immobilized & isolated. I can’t tell you how dangerous this all is– well for one you already know! But the double/ triple whammy is sending me spinning — Getting started is the hardest, staying out of the circle (all 3) completely eludes me–like I’m on autopilot– I can actually FEEL the brainwash-/ like I’m in a fishbowl– hate it, hate it, hate it 😦
Yesterday I went to look at apartments though I’m not in a position to rent. I’ve been doing this 1-2 xs a week to keep my eye on getting out — in the process it makes me feel free if not hopeful that I will find a safe place eventually that will be outside all 3 circles. I have to be careful to chose a place like gaslight– that requires some risk– so I don’t wind up incarcerating/isolating myself. I know I need to be even more fearless than before to start a successful next chapter as I am at midlife — it’s crucial I don’t settle but take good healthy risks to a vibrant 2nd chapter — for today though this is the hardest – to feel I am accomplishing something and moving through the rings — so today I hold myself accountable to get out of bed, have breakfast, take a dance class at gym, go to chapel ask God for Every blessing — Alot of blessing, His hand on me , to enlarge my territory and keep evil from me so I hurt no one– including myself. I will journal. Then I will have lunch, go to work with friend for two hours on a promo he is doing, go for walk or back to gym then a 12 step meeting. I feel like I float through much of the day, not really participating in life but in my own 3 ring circle ( which I suppose is better than the other two — but maybe it’s a combo of the other two??still not mine?! UGH I want the lady back who just last year, backpacked across France, Spain and Portugal for 6 weeks solo!! I did it with joy and soo much blessing!! Where is she?? Come back!!! I was, open, vulnerable, trusting in God, strong and living in an outpouring of real love. I’m in this little narrow existence that is all comfort– I must keep dancing– I think it’s going to be best hope to break free–I need to try to go every day– the music, sweat and joy, company is good for me. Oh ladies I never ever want to return to this freakin 3 rings Soc circus. Gaslight, please tell us more about how your process got you to where you are now — also just thought of that Pink Floyd song — comfortly numb– I never liked it, it always creeped me out and I had to turn it off — I have become comfortly numb– and it’s bizarre– I don’t feel like I chose it — but somehow I have to chose to get the heck out of it. I want to jump out of my skin. Thank you for letting me process this– I need to post here this is surreal. We will leave this, ibhavecto believe in myself, all of you and especially God– I want every blessing you have for me Lord, please help me to receive them all for your Glory! Amen, EL
Excuse m english ,,,
Its been 5 months out and i feel exactly the same. Sometimes i cant stop thinking(obsessive) about him and how much i miss. Many times i feel guilt over loosing the best man alive even though I he did everything typical of SP for me to leave, i went through the whole thing except the money issues. I cry over my loss every day, and i know hes already with another lady having the time of life and Im alone like a spirit feeling miserable. On the other hand i have a job , a perfect son , good health and none of that is relevant. Im so attach to him. My marriage to this guy only lasted 1 year and he damaged me in so many aspects its incredible to believe i still care for him.
Spanish girl,
I feel your pain, I really do. All you can do us your very best, and you’re doing it! 🙂
You have made a great accomplishment! It’s work, takes time, and need to “fake it til we make it” sometimes. I’m trying too. Together, we can continue to support each other. Glad you are here! 🙂
Thank you so much for your wise words.
I have been sociopath free for 18 months. It has taken some time to heal and today I am still healing. I have been through the ‘missing them’ stage so many times and I cant believe how accurate your description is. My comforts were food and being taken out and boy did he deliver. He also continually made me terrified of the outside world and the ‘evil’ people that were out to get me. He would be my knight in shinning armour and make all my dreams come true (or more like promise) and then smash them down, just to rebuild and play the game all over again. After building the courage to walk away, it took about 10 months to be able to verbally construct a sentence as I just thought I could not speak for myself (he would speak for me, especially restaurants). It has been one hell of a journey but I have learnt so much and as cliché as it sounds, become so much stronger. There were times when I wanted to see him, get my ‘fix’, that adoration and praise that he would pour over me but it never existed. None of it. I was playing make believe in my mind, with someone who was not even mentally ‘there’, if that makes sense. Anyway, I have rambled. Thank you for being such a wonderful and thoughtful writer.
Hi Abandoned, welcome to the site!!! 🙂
I’m still not entirely sure that my ex is a sociopath but it doesn’t really matter. What he certainly is is a selfish jerk who lied, cheated and manipulated to get what he wanted and have things his way.
What really annoys me is the fact that I encouraged him to write and got him a job that enabled and is enabling him to be with the woman he was with (and is still with) while pretending to be so in love with me.
I am also angry with her and that bothers me. Should I be so angry? Do I feel jealous when I should feel relieved that the scumbag chose her over me?
He lied to both of us but she chose to remain with him despite the lies and despite knowing exactly the extent of his deceit (I supplied her with copies of our
chats). Of course I don’t know what else he’s told her but I can’t understand why a woman would stay on with a man who has lied and who has been unfaithful. Is there any excuse that would justify months of lying and cheating?
I’m afraid I hate both of them equally and I guess I need to know if that makes me a bad person.
😦
I do miss him still … but I know that what I miss is an illusion. When I made the mistake of reading her tweets I saw that she’d written “I don’t care if I’m delusional as long we both believe the delusion.” Is that it? Is she staying because she’s delusional? And am I a monster because I fantasise about how she will one day see that she was wrong? (I have moments of misery imagining the two of them living happily ever after.)
Anyway, I’d appreciate any words of wisdom at all, from anyone.
Thank you.
Though I have never done drugs, thinking of ” Comfortably Numb” really makes me think of Soc as Heroin. The damage & life sucking– it makes me so sick to my stomach–like how I can’t stand the smell of tequila after 20 years! The fear and the aftermath, I need to make my own rehab– which I know means structure and discipline and goals. I would love a post on legit, concrete step by step do it yourself rehab/recovery from soc. DIY but with a framework to get out of the weird little box he/she put/projected us in. I want out. Need to fly again, soon, very soon. I’m praying for all, prayer is so powerful — please pray for me too, it’s the only way up and truly out. Pace, EL
Dear EL,
After I turned my sociopathic/psychopathic husband over to the legal system, I was in much the same position you appear to be in, staring at a dark hole, a huge abyss into which I could fall or not fall. When you mention that you need a framework to get out of “the weird little box,” I thought of my own experience. I recognized that I needed a structure, some sort of framework for my days, in order to function because I had a teenage daughter to take care of. That fact was a powerful motivator for me. It’s odd, isn’t it, that in order to be free to fly, one needs some sort of structure? But you are so right about that. So what I did, since I had lost my job in addition to turning in my husband, was to plan my days around working without pay. I forced myself to perform one volunteer job four days each week. For example, on Mon. and Wed. I worked at the Salvation Army food bank, on Tuesdays and Thursdays, I tutored. And on Fridays I socialized by scheduling coffee with a friend. Getting out of my home and making myself do things that got me in touch with other people in a good way helped me a lot. Eventually, I began thinking I was worth a little because I could see for a fact that what I was doing was useful and helpful. I couldn’t deny that fact! And eventually, I found a part-time job helping in the learning center of the local community college. That job inspired me to go back to school and earn the graduate degrees I needed to get a permanent full-time position, which I did eventually get. But if I had not decided to do as you said and make myself a framework for my life, I would not have gained freedom from the old mess that being married to a sociopath made of my life. So in my opinion, you instinctively know what to do to help yourself. Now it’s a matter of figuring out what you want to do, what your heart says. Blessings . . .
I miss him…I miss him every day and sometimes I wonder if I’m not the Sociopath too? But then I realize that I have a lot of compassion and guilt, that I give everything to and for the living creatures I love, I’m not a Sociopath, I am in fact, a very damaged person but then in different ways aren’t we all? If I am honest, I actually miss the drama and the games as much as I miss him. I was the stalker; I was the one who felt challenged to catch him in his deceptions and lies. I enjoyed trying to outsmart him by calling him out with all the people he used and played at the same time he supposedly loved me. I found great satisfaction in punishing him and hurting him whenever I could. At least while we played I felt alive! Now he is gone, the games are over, no contact and starting new again is the healthy way, the right way, the future way. But the silence and lonely boredom feels like death, the lack of interaction and subterfuge is making me painfully numb. I have never been this depressed; I have never felt so unmotivated and lost. I am drifting and although I keep reaching out nothing seems to help. This horrible man and the illusions and havoc he brought into my family for 7 years is gone, it’s over, I should rejoice and I have never felt this bad in my entire life.
Hey Angel, how long ago did you split?
I want you to know that since I came to the realization that I was with a sociopath, I have asked myself the same question. “Am I the sociopath!?” I wonder if this is common..I have always made excuses for her behavior, I think that is what I’m doing now, too. She drilled it into my head that I was the crazy one. I even admitted myself into the psych ward at my hospital because I thought I was going crazy. I was so paranoid. Every day I used all of my energy playing detective and trying to match the things she did with the things she said she did. Now that I have moved out, she is dragging me through the legal system with false claims and harassing me. We had court last night for the harassment and she got the case dismissed. She had so much “evidence” that my lawyer genuinely told me that I didn’t stand a chance against her. She has made my life hell, and yet here I am feeling sorrow over the fact that the person I love most in the world will never know how it feels to give that love back.
This is such a lonely feeling.
Welcome to the site andrea
July….
Hi Pos,
. This post is so true, it will be a month the 5th of Dec. that I’ve had no contact, he calls and leaves voicemails sends pictures and texts but I. must say I do ignore them all. One of his friends told me that the spath was listening to Harold melvins the love I lost all night, got drunk, and was crying uncontrollabl, he do call 8 times that night. Good for him, me I’m happy and releiived, no more cheating, lies, and acting like Sherlock Holmes. I feel good. NO CONTCT… Love and Peace 😌
Jefairgrieve,
Thank you for sharing your insights and experience. All that you mentioned that you did for your family — getting out and about — while spath was active I’m sure was a very important normalizing, protective measure. It’s especially insightful, as my own mom was destroyed by this very thing– and has been since I was 2-3 years old. She was not able to function outside of my fathers comfort castle -can’t even share here or fully accept the whole trauma of it. I flew as early as I could– and have considered myself somewhat of a butterfly who could not be captured –as I saw with confusion & pain what my mom was in. I had to survive and make sure i wouldnt be captured and put in a cage my wings clipped.I kept flying in and out of the soc’s cage– he left such sweet treats and music for me, painted it to make it look like I was in my natural habitat–there was something artificial but really close to my dream & he would join me and not question my need to keep flying– because he set up a lovely cage for me to rest & fly from– knowing that i would become more dependent on this escape/holding pattern for comfort/rest, I started to contemplate how I should settle down in one place & let him care. I would linger longer– my wings started to feel heavy and before I knew it I was grounded even when flying?? Couldn’t understand why I felt free and caged at the same time– I kept flying back trying to make sense of it all– until he really tried to lock me in– fight and flight was suddenly all that mattered. I found myself even more exhausted as I had been alternately flying, caged and set free millions of time– definitly having my feathers ruffled, caged is not my natural habitat and it is quite different from nesting. I had no idea that nesting is what I really want– then I had no idea how to build a nest instead of settling for a cage. I need to leave the cage and learn how to build a beautiful, secure nest for myself– high enough up the tree to be my natural, place and far enough off the ground to be free of predators that will forever be grounded. Oh the metaphors. Thankful I was not ultimately caught & caged– but interesting how I’m in a daze, hypnotized by flying and cage — unable to do either very long — but seem to be more afraid of flying which is what is most my nature & need!!! ;(
Agreed, structure needed to fly– I have to gather what I need to make a nest. I’m getting help. Seems I keep going into the cage looking for things to build the nest– and I’m just exhausting myself. I feel I need to fly next to others that know for certain Joel to build really solid, creative, personal nest. It would give me the encouragement, motivation and confidence to move forward. That is happening here — thank you and please do share how to do this — my own mother got trapped, I thought I could help free her, in the process I have fell into the cage. Trying with everything to accept that I have to fly even if she can’t. It’s the saddest thing– but since I understand flying back and forth & being caged– maybe I can tolerate visiting the cage to offer some comfort that is from knowing all that I know now?! Tears are a gift that I need to cry now. EL — still have not left my bed today.
Dear EL,
Not leaving my bed was what I feared most. I couldn’t afford to do that, either, because I had to be there for my daughter. She had been adopted from the foster system, and a therapist had said that under the circumstances, she might be better off in a group home. Well, she didn’t want that, and neither did I! So–I had to figure out a way to get out of bed each day. Staying in bed was such a seductive idea, but I just could not do that. So, as I said, I made myself a “fake” work schedule. I had to force myself to follow the structure I made, but I think what made following it possible was knowing that I had made it! It had not been imposed on me by another person or by a job situation. And knowing that I had made the structure somehow enabled me to use it to help myself.
If you can ask the deepest place in your heart what it is that you would really like to do, that might help. What my heart said was that I wanted to be around nice people who would appreciate me and be kind and good to me after all the 20 years of living with my ex’s abuse, nastiness and put-downs. I also wanted and needed to feel useful and worth something. So the volunteering is what really got me out of bed and kept me up all day. And it led to good things happening in my life.
And I do understand how sad your situation is, especially as it relates to your mother’s situation. Maybe this is when you need to be her role model. She has to save herself, but if you do it for yourself, she may realize she can do it, too. And you both can. If you work as a team, doing it together, you will be able to support each other. Having faith in yourself and each other will help. That always seems to help. But one person can’t really save another person–people have to save themselves, but having mutual support helps the process along. Warmest wishes . . . I’ll be watching to see how it goes . . .
Thank you JEfairgrieve,
I hear you about making a work schedule and in fact meeting my friend as planned at 2 here in US is my motivator — I always stick to my commitments for others 😉 thank God — be because I’m not honoring myself in the same way — stuck instead of off to gym, 12 step etc-/ all things that are self love.
Regarding mom, she’s actually physically, pyschologically, mentally immobilized. She has osteo and otherwise severely broken spirit she is vulnerable and dependent on my controlling father ( has been for 50 years). She is incapable of being with me in this. I have to do this for myself and her ( in spirit) . This is a large block— as I want desperately for her to be free, she has made a choice and that has been reinforced–she was 21 when she got married in the 50’s it’s like madmen ( the show). She has been gaslighted etc all the things here that pos posted– she never had a community or support like this — she suffered in silence determined to be a good wife and mother. She was extremely vibrant and beautiful, also a devoted, prayerful lady. Different times sadly, and somehow I have got to get through this so I can visit her ( not stay here in the cage) and not fall into the cage– I’m identifying so much after this recent Soc experience, my empathy is intense– and again she has no idea how to build a safe nest– my father dismantled it every time she tried until he had total control and made into comfort cage. So I have learn from others how to do this — make a nest — cages trigger and trap me– so it’s also been triggering to be in the role if caretaker those last three months home with my parents amped up version of the 9months with soc– he really did rip the rise colored glasses off and showed me the root of my vulnerability, while also exploiting and throwing me back in the cage that I flew from decades ago. Argh. Must pull myself together and head out to work with my friend. This post that Positiva wrote is so critically and neccessarily, shaking out my whole life and all the questions of not really understanding what happened to me– but more vital, my mom. She has disconnected and numbed along time ago– I have been a little girl searching for answers and somehow I landed right in the arms of the unanswered questions, shocked & shaken, walking a mile in her shoes — the difference I live in different times, I am 2 decades older than she was when she met her soc, I didn’t marry him– and I have experienced south more life & health. I can’t continue to try to reconcile both– I have to find the motivation to live a good life for myself and her. Help me Jesus. Amen EL
Hi, El,
Yes, I can see that taking care of yourself is a necessary priority! But maybe your mother will awaken and see you emerge from your cage and somehow begin the process, too. I’m so glad that you see the differences between her time and your time. That generation difference is so important. I am probably from your mother’s generation at age 74, and I can see that women your age have more options than I did. My daughter was my motivation, primarily. No way was I going to see her go back into the foster system! But I also had been used to making a life for myself to the extent that was possible during my marriage. That gave me an edge, I believe. And I had a wonderful therapist, the first person who really cared about me, and she had faith in my ability to do what I needed to do to find my way. Her faith in me made all the difference in the world! Just the fact that you are reaching out and asking about all this tells me that you are starting the recovery process. Reward yourself for that step! I found that simply being around the good people at the Salvation Army food bank helped a lot. Being around kind people who are not self-centered like the sociopath you were with helps give life a whole new light. Namaste . . .
Sorry, its been 2 months No Contact..😍
I am making a huge mistake. God please help me 😦
I am thankful we are all on the same page here. No one I know in person understands. I had nc for 2 months but we’ve been seeing each other the last couple of months.
Something is really wrong. My new coping strategy is to stay strong around him, not get attached, and not care what he does when we are apart. I tell him to date others because I feel he is anyway. I tell him I talk to other guys. He sees me as strong, but maybe I’m faking it to cope and stay? I’m exhausted, he’s in the anxiety stage, starting fights that don’t exist, mental abuse, scary temper etc. how much is enough??
Only you can decide bunny. When you have learned enough? Or when your heart catches up with what your head already knows.
I would so appreciate it if someone would respond to my comment. I am really beating myself up about how I feel and would appreciate some words of wisdom. In case it was missed, here is what I wrote:
I’m still not entirely sure that my ex is a sociopath but it doesn’t really matter. What he certainly is is a selfish jerk who lied, cheated and manipulated to get what he wanted and have things his way.
What really annoys me is the fact that I encouraged him to write and got him a job that enabled and is enabling him to be with the woman he was with (and is still with) while pretending to be so in love with me.
I am also angry with her and that bothers me. Should I be so angry? Do I feel jealous when I should feel relieved that the scumbag chose her over me?
He lied to both of us but she chose to remain with him despite the lies and despite knowing exactly the extent of his deceit (I supplied her with copies of our
chats). Of course I don’t know what else he’s told her but I can’t understand why a woman would stay on with a man who has lied and who has been unfaithful. Is there any excuse that would justify months of lying and cheating?
I’m afraid I hate both of them equally and I guess I need to know if that makes me a bad person.
😦
I do miss him still … but I know that what I miss is an illusion. When I made the mistake of reading her tweets I saw that she’d written “I don’t care if I’m delusional as long we both believe the delusion.” Is that it? Is she staying because she’s delusional? And am I a monster because I fantasise about how she will one day see that she was wrong? (I have moments of misery imagining the two of them living happily ever after.)
Anyway, I’d appreciate any words of wisdom at all, from anyone.
Thank you.
Oneredflower,
Please hear me out. That woman is likely desperate, has very low self esteem, and doesn’t care if she catches a disease or not. Seriously, she has no standards, so any dirty creep will do.
OF COURSE it’s ok for you to be mad! This is a very good stage to be in because it’s one step further to healing and closer to putting it behind you. It’s supposed to be like this. You’re right on track.
Anything that looks like “joy” for them is a LIE, short lived, VERY CHEAP. She will be mistreated at some point. What you are really watching is her being destroyed, because this is how her demise starts. You KNOW this. She has been sold oceanfront property in Kansas…period.
Hi Bunnyshy
Thanks for the response!
I wrote that comment some time back and feel so much better since then.
I don’t know what’s become of that woman or my ex. It’s been total NC since end Oct.
I do every now and then suffer a spasm of sadness and anger. It’s horrible being lied to and deceived but thank goodness I seem 99% recovered.
thank you so much for taking time to offer me your insight. Truth be told I do at times suffer irrational jealousy altho of course there’s nothing to be jealous of. All she really has is more time than I got with a liar and a cheat. Not a prize at all.
I guess I hate that she must feel that she’s “won”. I begrudge her even the delusional feelings of happiness. I believe it’s natural to feel this way so I’m going with the flow.
but anyway, I’m way better and I thank you 🙂
xxoo
oneredflower
Yay, Oneredflower! So nice to hear you’re doing better. 🙂
Oneredflower,
I saw your post date after the fact..lol. Oddly I received an email a few hours ago, as if you just posted it! Never happened before. Very happy you’re doing well! I am really doing great too. If it weren’t for this site, learning and absorbing it all, knowing Positivagirl and every faithful friend here, I would be in rotten shape. Great to hear from you anyway…HA! 😉
Ah that is because sometimes comments do are not displayed. Sometimes I have to go back through and check. That is why sometimes you will see new comments that are written a while ago!! It’s WordPress 😦
Positivagirl! Love you so much. You saved me! You’re my rock, since last March! THANK YOU :0)
Have you been with me since last March? Aww you know my connection to the outside world (in my brain didn’t come back until March/April) so you have been on a journey with me too. Thank you!! 🙂
That was right at the beginning of this blog. Wow. Thank you.
Positivagirl,
I know! I was here when you started. It means a lot to me. I met the arse last February, looked up his symptoms on your site and figured him out in March. We were on and off til last October.
Thanks to you, I was onto him the entire time. I stayed because I enjoyed companionship, and didn’t want to meet someone new again. After being single 4 years I was desperate I guess…HA! He had the blackest, ugliest heart I’ve ever seen. Any man that bullies women is a major WIMP. If they talked like that to a man they would be on the ground in a split second! Wimps! Lol
Positivagirl, thank God I found you. I would be a mess had I not found you so quickly. I owe you my life because it was almost stolen and you gave it back to me…safe and secure ❤ xo
Hello Pos, Bunny and everyone,
My track record with my ex is two years with me being on the third break up. One lasted for 7 weeks, one three months and the current will be 6 weeks on Tuesday. With the last one I broke no context twice early in break up, with this break up I broke no contacf 3 times. He ignores me and pops back up like nothing when HE is ready.
Regarding comfort zone. He knew my comfort zone but of course took it away when he saw fit. I miss the comfort zone. For me it was affection, I miss that.
Where I am doing much better now, it is still very difficult. I miss the comfort of him. I used to miss the games. But now it is the fake happy times. I don’t cry over him much. But sometimes I cry over what was done. As you know Pos, I was abused in all facets except physical abuse.
Last night Christmas music came on the radio and I started crying. I forgot for a minute who he really is and thought to myself, can he really not be missing me?
I now know I am a source, when he needs from me again he will be back. But I cannot do it any longer. Even to get my “fix” or be momentarily taken to my comfort zone, because before you know that will be threatened as the game starts all over again…
Hi Heather,
I’m with you re: holidays– ESP Christmas
Oh the beautiful Christmas lights and Elvis singing blue Christmas! Not to mention that spath used my faith to fake mirror etc — so all holy and holidays make me a touch sad — because i wiuld love to share with someone special…but also do feel freer and no restriction to really be in the magic, beauty and joy of my Christmas spirit. I never shared Christmas with him, but I am sure the holidays would be a mess as he can’t really experience all the wonder and childlike joy that gets sparked in me–he would have dampened, sabayoged, amped up and messed up probably with his various supply & lies and just would not be in honest giving, appreciative , loving, true romantic spirit. I know this. So having broken up in Sept I free to feel the loneliness, expectation etc that is purely mine along with the beauty & joy I experience. I would be so much more wrecked had I spent the holidays with him– it would have been illusion or pain I’m sure. I am making plans to attend a few events, still dealing w some depression & fear, will be sure to not let his ghost into my celebration of love! Knowing so many single and heartbroken people are in the same boat — it actually leaves us open to Christmas miracles which I have received and seen over and over– here’s to healing & miracles if we believe! EL
Yes, feel free to experience the miracles! That’s the joy of being free from a sociopath. A sociopath knows how to block miracles! Miracles don’t happen in the life of a sociopath, but now you can experience them. I never, ever want to give up miracles again! In the rare moments after I turned my ex in when I caught myself wondering if I had done the right thing, I remembered that with him, there were no miracles. Never forget that!
Beautiful words:)
Bunny shy,
Things moved so fast, he was so over the top I needed to put on the brakes– I was getting overwhelmed by the ridiculous somewhat sloppy love bombing– it initially really turned me off and the red flags were going off. I needed to put more distance, catch my breathe and put boundaries in place.
I did the same thing. I had so many doubts and there really wasn’t a formal commitment so I told him I would be going on dates since we broke up– I knew he was seeing others though I had no proof except for his responses wich were not natural. I wanted to date as I knew I needed to compare as he was over the top and something was not right, couldn’t put my finger on it at the time. I would go out on dates and the difference was dramatic. I would go out for dinner with these guys that were nice enough, nice looking, polite, interested and interesting but not love bombing maniacs. I remember coming home from a date so relaxed, calm and relieved. I said to a friend, I’m in a bind, but so glad im doing this the contrast is revealing. I realized just how dramatic ( the lies, mask) and draining soc was & how regular the others were. I was grateful for the polarity- thinking I had to make a choice between predictably regular or unpredictably predictable soc who kept me perplexed. It helped me to see that I have much to offer and that soc was over board & crafty. He would call me at end of night after dates and had the nerve to throw it at me– I was honest and respectful as I was truly dating, not sleeping with them. Anyway, he knew he could trust me– but when his ownership was in question he began to turn up the
Heat — I simply asked him if it was only me he wanted to see, and that he “loves so much” “wants to marry & have kids” LOL, why doesn’t he take his online profile down? Why doesn’t he have “in a relationship” ? He had no answer, so I said i will continue to date — but I didn’t know about Spaths or the fact that I was beginning to be under the influence of his wearing me down tactics– and eventually I stopped dating- I hated being questioned and he mirrored my desire to settle down –,I am sure he had logs in many fires though he played innocent to the end. He got aggressive on the last date –and this was the second time — the first ( should have been only) was a month and a half earlier. Bunny, when you are sick and tired of being sick and tired you will go NC and stick with it. Somewhere in your heart you have to know you are worthy of real love and this guy is dangerous and hurting you– it’s not love to be treated like that . You can love, and be loved! Why settle for scraps? It’s truly a dangerous game you can not win. The detox and withdrawals can not be avoided – but must go through to break addiction pattern which is using not love. I’m routing for you bunny! When you post it reminds me of what was going on– it keeps me in NC– I pray for you to be safe and love yourself enough to go NC with the help of Positivas site. You have done it before– so much more if you believe– pray for release:) I’m praying for you sister! EL
EL,
Thank you for spending time on me ( you too Positivagirl). I just ended it tonight. I cried heavily for 10 minutes, felt like I can’t live with or without him, but now Im feeling better. I feel RELIEF. It’s a major roller coaster ride. Withdrawal is going to take work. The last time it only took two months to be well. MY MISTAKE was meeting him for coffee! Like a moron.
This is my second and final breakup with him. I took my cell phone apart, getting a new one with a new number, his number is blocked on the house phone. This is going to help in a major way. If he can’t contact me, I will do VERY WELL at getting through this…even the hard parts at the beginning of healing. Thank you for being here for me. There will be dark hours, but time changes everything eventually 😉
Hi Bunny,
You did it! Thanks be to God 😉 I know it’s painful Bunny, you can do this 😉
I really feel that your posts have helped me stay NC! So i hope you find the encouragement, healing & strength here to, to love yourself and stay out Of spath harms way. There are similarities in all our posts– for some reason your posts and struggles felt like mine ( it’s that empathy we are blessed with!) and I don’t trust your spath as if he is was the same guy!! Truly witnessing for each other here.
I only started to post, read 2 months ago — as things unravel & pain of withdrawals– and disbelief– I need to keep it green — ESP when I start to think I miss hiim, or fantasize that any of him or his words were real. I haven’t really been tested yet Bunny as he has not boomeranged back– I can’t take the BS — now that he has been unmasked thanks to everyone here. I pray that he doesn’t– I feel so shaky and ambivalent at times too – but I know it’s an inside job now and less about Him- but NC has saved my sanity and with time restoring me– it’s not easy– but I’m determined to take better care of myself, I truly ache for real love– and I don’t ever want to allow any man to deceive me like this again. I feel empowered to be part of this supportive community of spath survivors! I know God rescued and protected me from so much worse– it is with gratitude for Gods love that I stay NC. He has blessed plans and real love for me in store. This site is just one example.
The holidays are a challenge for all my romantic fantasies but if we can help each other through– it is a true blessing and miracle of Christmas! Stay NC Bunny, you know the deal! You are a beautiful and blessed child of God — as we all are– no settling or selling ourselves short any longer! Pace Bene Bunny! EL
JEfairgrieve!!!
I just pulled my car over! You are right they a thallus block miracles!!!!!! Omgosh! I was nicknamed “Milagros” by some friends as miracles would show up often on my path — You are so so so spot on. This is crazy, but true– oh this is such a gem discovery. I’m reclaiming all the blocked miracles NOW! EL thank you for discovering & posting this truly the devil in so many ways I am admiring up with prayer to get every blessing and miracle that is a gift from God!!’ Ciao for now, love EL.
I felt like all personal progress eventually came to a standstill with the soc. I wrote a song a lonnnnnng time ago called, “Praise God for the Trials”. Some of the lyric says you should “praise God for the hard times so He can help your spirit grow”. If you’re in your comfort zone perpetually, you can’t progress which means your spirit is essentially depressed. This is the height of deceit, to be able to stifle your spiritual growth, without you knowing the depth of what is happening to you… until retrospect. This is why I say the sociopath is about as close to soul danger as a person can get.
Jusa,
The Holy Spirit must be on a roll — they say wherever two or more are gathered– God is prayer!
You are most spot on re: no spiritual progress while in ” creepy comfortably numb pink Floyd fog” and soul danger. but it’s all stored up on a shelf until you pray and trust — then it all breaks through once you take a step, bust through just a little fear and move & show up– Believing in truth, love & beauty!!!!! Particularly in trials and withdrawals I see as the gift to breaking through stuff I have carried all my life–the soc did give me the gift by confronting me with myself , my needs, desires, wounds, dreams, fantasies and lies. I was all too eager to escape to never never land and counterfeit love! Now I can confront and sort through, enter deeper healing and follow my dreams– lots of continued work– but I’m worth it and I want all the promises, miracles etc– I know it is all because today I have faith and I did throughout– he /soc used faith and deceived me but now I see it as a monumental test of faith in God as well as a chance to really embrace Gods love and a good life with the understanding of my worth as HIS beloved daughter. I am free to make better choices, listen to intuition and wiser for understanding my vulnerabilities and strengths. I was on a collision course with men derailing me from the blessings– the devil knows I’m a love junkie from my wounds — he knows what God has in store– he knows our love is real — so he tries to derail us in our weaknesses from love and blessing that is true — he tries to block the miracles with soc to stall us!! Get behind me Satan, Jesus is my king and God my father– I know now that this suffering was for my greater good– it’s how I needed to learn– we have free will and it’s up to us if we want to live in love or fear– once we have understanding– I know I wanted soc to rescue me– he is also a fireman as many here have also admitted!! I have now truly come to know that I have got to be whole and then if its meant to be I will meet another whole– but i meeds Gods protection daily, I’m a broken human lady.
otherwise I continue to love & bless those God places in my life– I can not help, rescue anyone– He does it– It’s my job to pray and be the best version of myself wit His help. I know this isn’t everyone’s belief, I just have such gratitude for the protection and gifts, rescue and refuge that I witnessed through prayer and this whole ordeal. Today has. Just been such testimony to the benefits of sticking with no contact, continual prayer, staying and experiencing withdrawals, the support here, showing up for me by NC, counseling, 12 step and prayer. It’s all about community showing up with trials, triggers, hope, healing, set backs and victories. So thank you all– for courage esp Pos –for giving us this gift born from pain and transformed to healing. EL going to Zumba — and trying not to peek here til tomorrow. Night. EL
I can’t tell you how much your blog is helping me recognize the magnitude of what I have been dealing with. I thought I was all alone and that the way she behaved was just how she was. Now I am realizing that me experiencing “how she is” is really just me experiencing the symptoms of her mental illness. I don’t know why, but for some reason realizing that there is a name for her illness, and realizing that I fell in love with someone who will never be able to feel true love.. makes me feel even more depressed that I already was. I am so sad for her. I love her more than everything and I want her to be happy and I want to fix her. Knowing that she is incapable of human emotion makes me feel so empty for her and it hurts so much to know that the person I love most in the world will never be truly happy. I am so upset, I don’t even know if this comment makes sense. I feel like I’m in a fog. Thank you again for raising awareness for this disorder.
Ok things are opening up. I have to report I was on my way to 12 step meeting when jgrieve posted about soc blocking miracles I had to pull over to respond I was so compelled, I reclaimed any lost miracles — No Joke, I get to meeting and about half way through I notice a bumper sticker on the wall that says ” MiraclesHappen”! Then I share and after the meeting this guy comes up to me and tells me it’s the name of this particular group too!!! Every time we show up for ourselves and love it is opportunity for miracle — I am convinced. Also soc definitely block miracles so clear– all indicator that we must trust God more than any person place and thing– he is waiting to shower us if we only ask and chose love– the reward is more REAL love! EL. Wow, my prayers are being answered– I have been on my knees asking for God to bless me 🙂 all of you too!! EL
Thank you, EL, for sharing this. In the middle of reading your post, it inspired me to stop and take care of the housekeeping of apologizing to my ex-soc’s OW for any harsh words. Your comment about showing up for ourselves and Love inspiring miracles is what prompted me. I just can’t expect good things, in the season of Jesus’ birth no less, with nonsense like that weighing on me. I feel relieved, and my hands are now clean. Thanks again.
EL,
I am so happy about “Miracles Happen”! You have even more support and it’s in person! I haven’t spoken with God in over a year. Things happened to my son when he was little, I thought I was over it, but this past year I am angry. I know He loves us, and He knows I still live Him. I hope to get closer, back in prayer and get my relationship back with Him.
I would appreciate it if someone would respond to my comment. I am really beating myself up about my feelings towards my ex and the other woman and I need some perspective.
Below is what I wrote, in case it was missed. Thank you for your help, Pos:
I’m still not entirely sure that my ex is a sociopath but it doesn’t really matter. What he certainly is is a selfish jerk who lied, cheated and manipulated to get what he wanted and have things his way.
What really annoys me is the fact that I encouraged him to write and got him a job that enabled and is enabling him to be with the woman he was with (and is still with) while pretending to be so in love with me.
I am also angry with her and that bothers me. Should I be so angry? Do I feel jealous when I should feel relieved that the scumbag chose her over me?
He lied to both of us but she chose to remain with him despite the lies and despite knowing exactly the extent of his deceit (I supplied her with copies of our
chats). Of course I don’t know what else he’s told her but I can’t understand why a woman would stay on with a man who has lied and who has been unfaithful. Is there any excuse that would justify months of lying and cheating?
I’m afraid I hate both of them equally and I guess I need to know if that makes me a bad person.
😦
I do miss him still … but I know that what I miss is an illusion. When I made the mistake of reading her tweets I saw that she’d written “I don’t care if I’m delusional as long we both believe the delusion.” Is that it? Is she staying because she’s delusional? And am I a monster because I fantasise about how she will one day see that she was wrong? (I have moments of misery imagining the two of them living happily ever after.)
Anyway, I’d appreciate any words of wisdom at all, from anyone.
Thank you.
Hi oneredflower,
I’m sorry you’re having a bad time of it. It’s natural for you to feel jealousy—your soc/jerk boyfriend engineered it. What adds insult to injury in your case is the betrayal represented by how he’s thanked you for your loyalty to HIM. So, should you be angry? YES. I’M angry, and I don’t even know your soc!
Should you be angry with her? Maybe not. But I understand why you would be. It’s much easier to hate her than him. And, because some part of us still wants to believe the lies they’ve told us, we figure the OW must somehow be culpable in all this. But really, she only knows what he is presenting to her and that is chock full of lies, obviously.
As for “choosing her over you”, I could tell you you’re better off (you are), that you dodged a bullet (you did), that he is not worthy of your love or loyalty (he isn’t), but that won’t help you feel less defeated right now. There is no other bottom line truth about the sociopath than this: that the OW is better than you is not why she was chosen over you; she is simply more malleable to the soc’s manipulation and may have something he wants to take from her.
A common thread I see a lot is how a soc left some beautiful woman for some subpar equivalent. It didn’t matter that the first woman was more beautiful, she was just as distraught and confused as the second one will eventually be. If the second doesn’t leave, what we see out of that scenario is a damaged woman/partner with perhaps about as much chance a “normal” life as the soc she can’t let go of. To quote my ex-soc’s ex-wife, “It is what it is.” It is just too bad they don’t know what it really is. You do. As early as you can tolerate it, mentally cut the cords that bind you to his memory through unconscious connection and watch it begin to help you forget and see him more clearly for what he is.
The anger will pass. And, if you’ve read any of the articles on this site, you already know this OW won’t really be “living happily ever after”. Hoping you feel better soon.
Dear Jusagurl, Thank you so much for your words.
I am so grateful.
I am a lot less angry and miserable now … thank goodness. I know it will take time, and I’m happy to say that I can see lots of improvement in my mental and emotional state.
My therapist advised me to devise some rituals for amputation of the ex and I have been doing them, and they do help. These rituals included burning the ex in effigy, and as an ongoing exercise, I write down my feelings every morning (whatever anger and hatred I feel for him), and burn the pieces of paper. It’s a very satisfying exercise. I especially love the alliterative curses I’ve come up with: “Desolation, despair and disease” is my favourite … 🙂 I know it’s not very charitable of me, but I’m excusing myself for now as it’s helping me vent!
I am trying very hard to stop thinking of him (and of them). When I do, I deliberately try to distract myself, and I am seeing the thoughts occur more infrequently as time goes by.
But I am very grateful for your words about how it’s natural that I should be angry, with him and her. I know she is just as much of a victim as I was. And I don’t blame her for what he did to me. I do, however, feel angry at how she seems to relish the fact that she has “won” — I know this is an illusion though. Still, I guess I’m only human … and I guess so is she.
Thank you again.
This site and all the posts and various comments have been a lifesaver.
Take good care and Bless You!
Hi Oneredflower,
I apologize for the delay in response – I was at work when your message came through and my dumb smart phone wasn’t being cooperative, so I had to wait until I got home. Anyway – you sound very much like I did in the beginning, and still do sometimes now. I have been Soc-free for just over a year. I found out he met the OW the first week after our break up. Was I angry when I found out? Hell yes! I wanted to tear her face off. How dare she get in the way of us potentially getting back together? Then I found out that he moved in with her. Was I angry when I found out? Hell yes! I still wanted to tear her face off. Then I did my research, got counseling, found this site and realized he was a Soc. And at that point, I wanted to tear HIS face off.
As I’ve gone through the process of healing, I’ve learned that holding on to the anger isn’t doing me any good. I used to fester and fester by thinking about the two of them, until I made myself sick. Here I was dealing with depression, not eating, not sleeping, not leaving the house, not doing anything – while the two of them were living what was supposed to be MY happily ever after. How dare they! They both deserved to have their faces torn off.
Then one day, I said enough. All this negative energy and karma was going to kill me. I started focusing on getting better – and that meant learning to let the both of them go. I read everything on this site, and tried everyone’s suggestions until I found things that worked for me. I realized that he was an illusion. I realized that she was just the next victim. I realized that I was lucky I hadn’t torn anyone’s face off back when I wanted to.
Don’t get me wrong – I still have “bad” days. I miss him, I miss us, I miss how he used to make me feel…and then I think about how the OW gets to have all this…and I’ll sometimes even spend a few minutes going down the “tearing off of faces” path – but then I log onto this site, read a few of Pos’s past blogs that really resonated with me, reach out to my cyber friends here, who always seem to be able to lend a cyber hand regardless of what time it is…and I tell myself: HE IS A SOCIOPATH. So – the anger is subsiding, the jealousy comes in very short spurts – but reality always kicks in and puts me back on track.
Stay focused. Time really has helped. Come here whenever you need to – the people here have honestly saved me. And be strong – I promise you will get better and better each day.
Prophette
Hi all,
Im confused. My spath really really fights for me to stay. He does not give up. He pretends to be kind and patient for hours on the phone. I broke up last night and he is going crazy. Anytime I’ve tried to leave he bends over backwards for me to stay. He has many “dolls” in his cell phone.
WHY – does he put a massive effort in keeping me ?
WHY – is he always available (NEVER says he is busy or has plans)
WHY – does it seem like I could be special? What spath puts all this time and energy into one supplier? AM I WRONG ABOUT HIM?
I took a test to see if he is a spath, the app is called “fishhead “. My results said….BE VERY AFRAID.
Bunny,
Oy vey. I just saw your first post last night. Of course he has to make it hard and act up as he has no control over you — you know who he is and your walking away. He is counting on you to go back and play his game. No. No. No. 😉 but only you can chose. It is a choice and decision. Each time, each minute we can chose to love or neglect ourselves. By loving a spath we are not loving ourselves– it is neglect. He can’t feel emotions, he is not even capable of love, remember this?! But I beleive when you let go you have to fill and surround yourself with really good support. Stay really close here–do you have counselor?
Bunny you have all the evidence. From your own experience and everyone here. You are not married to this guy and can reasonably cut your losses — but as you said in an earlier post to me when I reported getting rid of love bombing remnants– letters,, gifts etc — they do come up with very seductive, romantic words, lies, stories etc — and as you said some is good crap even if lies! But it is shallow, empty evil lies to take advantage and use us! Nothing truly sexy or romantic about it — real love with emotions, empathy, mutual give& take, intimacy and honesty– now THAT’S sexy, romantic and real. Sincere apology, reconciliation and accountability– which the spath will never have– that is solid friend, love. Oh how I relate and struggle with you– give yourself credit & love for taking steps to put you first. Prayer everyday — even during the whole fake relationship sincerely kept me safer and revealed the truth-/ to this day keeps me in NC. The devil is a liar- so what does that tell you about spath????? Be gentle, loving and kind to yourself– love casts out fear– the devil will flee from light, truth and Our Lord’s name – it’s true!! Godspeed, EL
Oh dear Bunny… the only reason I can think of for a soc to behave with attentiveness is because he/she feels you wavering against your better judgement, and thinks he/she may be close to possessing you. Don’t mistake his show of attention for love when he is working his game on you. The last thing I’d want to see is you on here in a few weeks saying you submitted to him now he is nowhere to be found (because he will be working his game on another target). Trust me. I was texting with mine all day, every day. I didn’t think he even had time for all the lies and destruction he managed with others at the same time.
EL and Jusagirl,
I deeply thank you for your support. I’m glad that when some of us are weak here, the rest are strong and they balance things out. This guy was so scary and violent, talking down to me LOUDLY like a drill sergeant. Then minutes later lovey dovey! It’s really hitting me, the thought that he would dump me and disappear soon anyway. It disgusts me, good people being treated like this. Thank you again, so much at this difficult time. I’m here for you all too.
My comfort zone was writing. I’m a writer. I love to write stories. I also loved to watch movies (I still do). Isabelle knew that and, back then, she was all like “Oh, I love that too! We have so much in common”. Whenever I’d say I like a movie, instantly she likes it too. She watched even several with me online.
Weird was… she loved to ‘suck up’ to popular Twitter users (The ones with many followers, The ones in the center of online society attention). She hated to be ignored. When Ignored, she’d badmouth and pit people against each other. When I wanted to step back from her, she’d emotionally blackmail me. She knew I have a too big heart and endless compassion as I passed through HELL during the war. My father died in the war and she, shamelessly, lied that her father is a rich lawyer bastard from NYC who disowned her and is ashamed of her that she got raped. She said how she missed her father and him to hold her tightly. I was missing that too. I guess she knew all I was missing and loving so much and she projected that onto herself.
Do I miss her? YES, I DO!
There are nights where I cry myself to sleep because I remember the “soul sister” I saw in her back then. I thought we share the same dreams. The same hopes.
When I wanted to distance from her feeding my comfort zone, she faked death to veil me into grieve. Her cousin Jessica (she pretended to be the cousin) made a big online “witch hunt”. EVERYONE who hurt Isabelle while she was alive had to pay. I remember the cousin tweeting so often to me “All you deserve is a mayor kick in the ass and a huge punishment”. She never saw her mistakes, her lies, her manipulations. It was always about playing with my compassion and love I had forward her.
One thing I do remember is Isabelle’s aka Jessica’s HUGE ANGER FITS. When she wanted something and felt like this will be taken away from her, she was a hurricane.
▬ She blackmailed me with suing.
▬ She tried to emotionally kill me by saying how I broke Isabelle’s heart. How Isabelle’s little daughter is an orphan now because of me.
▬ She told people gruesome lies about me.
▬ She pitted people against me. Suddenly, you see EVERYONE turning back on you and you have no Idea why to even defend yourself. It was as if she was thinking “If I go under, so will you!” She hated to lose attention and the affection of popular Twitter users.
▬ She faked a legal death certificate to make me appear more guilty.
▬ She faked the Identity of her lawyer father to intimidate me and make sure I will not run my mouth about her. Back then, it was the most frightening moment of my life. I was hardcore cyberbullied and no one stood up to stop this. I was showered with her mails. Tweets. Text messages. Threatning me, blackmailing me, manipulating me some more.
When she was unmasked she “hid in a mouse hole” for others to not find her online and ask for justice. She is a huge coward once grasped by throat to pay the price for what she has caused. She forced me to several online statements I was NOT willing to give free willed. She blackmailed me with suing.
I tried suicide twice because I couldn’t bear any longer.
I barely had sleep and there were times I didn’t eat anything for a week or more. I was a walking dead. But she didn’t care. All she cared was her revenge for the “injustice” she believed was done to her. And what was the “injustice” forward her? Her spotlight taken away. She was no longer “one of the popular ones”.
It sounds like she attacked the core of you 😦
Thank you, positivagirl, for running this blog!
It is a big help to see that I’m not the only one who invested her heart and soul into a “shadow figure”.
Isabelle made me something I never wanted to become: An addict to anxiety / Anti-depression pills. I never used any pills but now I feel like I’m losing it without them. My Therapist claims it will take years till I’m ready to accept facts and heal to the point where I can live normally without memories haunting me on daily basis.
And yes, she took EVERYTHING from me.
After her, I lost trust in people. I lost a good piece of myself. I just miss to smile sincerely and widely like I used to before her.
Which is exactly what sociopaths do.
This is exactly how i feel. I keep thinking that i’m on the mend. I don’t hurt so much anymore. And then i start missing him. This is a confession now …. i have kept just 1 photo of him and i look at it (to be honest, everyday). and then i think of how much i miss him and the good days. And even though i know deep inside that its just all the lies and manipulation that was fed to me. I still miss him. Plus his friend called me this week and It just brought up everything again and i miss him even more ….. I hate this!! I just want to be over and DONE with all of it. And i know keeping the photo is not a good idea, but i just have not mustered up the strength to throw it out. Yet.
One of the things I recommend in healing and recovery is to box their things. Put away. At least for a while. Did you know that when you get the photo out and give it energy, you are sending him your energy?
Pos,
I’ve been guilty of giving him energy by keeping photo and some letters– but now that I know this I’m going to let go of all. I do not want him to have any of my energy — I need it ALL back– he is thriving with it and I’m missing it , it’s always been a blessing, and now I need it most to recover and move forward.
I think this would be a good post. I don’t remember exactly but you mentioned how they can get in our energy field In a previous post. I def think esp with my empathic gifts– it was extra charged for both of us — like when I would feel sick, cry or feel anxious picking up on him from a distance– oh and crazy headache when something off was happening in his life ( even if i didnt know his secret life– iveould get warning or sensory lnowledge. I also know I had my whole life been energetic, joy and blessed to a degree– he definitely siphoned this and started to project it himself but totally false– he just changed his online profile to mirror what I had- I left the dating site a little over a month ago!
Also, on more than one occasion he would mention that he could “feel or tap in” to my space on the way to pick me up for a date etc– the crazy thing is that the times he mentioned it, I was feeling anxious, sick or very distracted at the time ( same time he was on the way etc)
I also notice that when I would cancel or break up– it was always like I was in tune to something ( without concrete knowing or evidence) and took cue to not show up or involve myself at those moments— clearly there was mind games, interference ( on his part) and good ol empathy & intuition on my part actively going on all along — truly a spiritual battle –for souls?!
I read also that empathic people can be drawn to Spaths because we often get overwhelmed by others emotions. With the spath there is no emotion– so we get disarmed and read it as calm, safe, comfort, rest — there is nothing to overwhelm us initially. In addition the spath, gets tons of energy from the emotions we carry and pick up– for them it’s like dating 3 people in one energy wise. This is just something that struck a chord with me. I can also tell you that I prayed to St Michael throughout the relationship– and he was standing between us I Am sure– based on how I handled myself and even what the spath was capable and not capable of– I ask in prayer daily fir the the cross to be placed between me & spath. I think this protects me and my core. I would love to learn more about this as I do believe love is at the core of spiritual battle– love has victory if placed in Gods care. EL
EL,
Everything you have said is striking every fiber of my soul right now. The hidden private lives they lead, our intuition. The energy is 85% depleted from me. Breaking up last night is the smartest thing I’ve done yet. It’s the beginning of being a healthy happy person again. We care about people, and we want someone who enjoys that and also cares. Glad to start healing with you 🙂
I know because i read your post about them tapping into our energy fields. *sigh*. It seems I’m just in the 1 step forward 2 steps back place. I’m going to try to keep the picture away ….
It’s just that I’ve destroyed everything , every single thing of his … except the one picture. I’m holding onto it for God knows why!!!!! Arghhhh. Totally frustrated with myself. Thanks positivagirl
You don’t have to throw it away. Memories are ok later in life. Just put it away in a box. By looking at it you are reinforcing the attachment.
When I read your post last night, I thought to myself, what if I kept one of my ex-soc’s pictures? What would that be like for me, and what would it do to my progress? I understand moving through things slowly, not being fully ready to let go, though you know you want changes. I went through my own process slowly, inspecting everything as I went.
When I imagined my ex-soc’s picture though even in just my mind, I knew that, looking at him, because that was when he would be able to persuade me in person, I would attach positive memories to his face. Not necessarily a good thing for growth prospects and moving on.
I have his pictures on my computer for posterity. I think that is ok. I don’t look at them and don’t plan to. I’ve opted for a “blank canvas” as my memory for him in my mind. I have also called out to God to continually cut any cords he might be sending out to me, or any that I might be inadvertently sending myself through a random thought of him. I envision a cemetary with an iron gate that closes on his incoming cord, and simply shuts it out. I can’t tell you how effective this has been for me—nearly 90%. The rest of the time, if I find my mind wandering, I refocus on something that is worthy, and of good report.
Jusa and all,
I’m texting this as I have been praying before blessed sacrament in thanksgiving for this day, all the breakthroughs and blessings if Positivas work and for all of you — and personal recovery and community — in thanks for choosing love and continued blessing & protection for each one of us & Positivas heart to complete book and the gift of all our hurts redeemed to help one another. God is moving in my life the withdrawals are agift– it is our self not running away but surrendering to God and choosing love! EL
Thank you, what a powerful encouraging, moving statement! I am saving it, and will reflecting on it when I have trying moments with my ex, we “co parent”, (I know it’s a joke, he uses kids to try and control me). It brings me comfort, and will regain sight on what he is really doing. Thank you again.
Dear Cammy,
I had the same doing with the one thing I had from Isabelle: Her stories on my blog. I couldn’t delete them. It was the girl I saw as my soul sister in them but I had to do ONE STEP to move away from the cuffs those stories put on me.
You know what I did?
I gave a friend from my real life I truly trust and love, who saved m so many times from giving up, access to my blog to delete her entries.
Eventually she did do just that.
Believe me, Away from your sight makes it way more bearable.
Hello Mira – I have a same sex ex – we have 2 beautiful children together – 9 and 11!. She left me 3 years ago to start a relationship with my the straight best friend who has 3 kids of nearly the same ages. I lost most of my friends and have really struggled ever since…the shared parenting is very tough. She sees herself as the real mum and our arrangements are never straightforward….always to benefit her. The other day, she stole my phone (again) and went through all my texts and found some where I had criticised her to others. Her rage was unbelievable….and the torrent of self justification and self pity about her upset..now she no longer trusts me and will never forgive me…..it would be laughable except for the kids….she has as usual, after something like this, taken full control of them again, bringing them back late and using her phone, my only means of contact, to control when and if I speak to them. So it’s the silent treatment phase and sad to say, I am desperate……Christmas is coming up and it’s a tricky and difficult time… My attempts to use the law have been quite fruitless ….so write to me anytime!
Thanks Fo Tha Mira. I Will Try That. As I’m Writing This It’s Friday Night And I Feel Stuck. I Want To Go Out But I Don’t Even Kno How To. So What Do I Do? Gently Nurse A BottleOf Vodka. I’ll Sleep In A Minute.
Aww do you have no friends to go out with Cammy? I think that is the worst feeling, if you want to go out, but you cant. Do you have any old friends that you could catch up with over the week?
I met a man online who is a sociopath via a social network, when I first connected to him I knew straight away that he wasn’t a good person, but I knew on a deeper level that a connection was needed for my own healing process. We would skpye and I would dread it and feel sick before going online to chat to him but I knew that I had to face and confront some of my deepest fears. I was really scared because I became the little girl that had been damaged and abused by my father and this man become my father, it was so surreal but because he was in another country I knew that I had a safety net. I can so relate to your article because he tried to play me and he had to really work for it because he saw me as a challenge, but for me the healing process was to grow up from that damaged child to an adult who loves and respects herself. I meditated every day and asked for guidance and trusted that he couldn’t hurt me, only if I allowed him too, which of course I didn’t. When he thought he had me where he wanted me, I pulled the plug and blocked him on all of my contact with him. In some ways I am still affected by my connection to him because I was abused on every level by my father for 14 years, For me I am still healing want this man represents, i.e. my past. The key for me is reminding myself of what I deserve and not settling for anything less. I see this man as a blessing because I used the mirrors to work on healing myself and I found the strength to stand up to him and I feel really proud of myself. I wouldn’t recommend this style of healing for everyone, but I had the awareness and the tools to be able to face what was needed for my own healing process.
I can’t tell you how much I needed to read exactly THIS, at this exact time. I am currently going through most of what you describe. I will try to plug along. Thanks again!
Thank you Diane!!
Diane,
You are in the right place. We can really help each other. Positivagirl writes so many things that make EVERY stage and symptom very clear. Knowledge is power. I am so glad you are here for support! 🙂
Welcome Diane, you are not alone with this emotional hangover — there is relief, support, recovery — and even humor here! Hope you find some sisters where you live too.
PS I’m witnessing so much strength , truth, healthy vulnerability & wisdom grow here– for myself & others— keep reading & posting– Blessed Be– to you — EL
Stay strong Diane you can do it! 🙂 he did get the hook in my heart, but not deep enough for me to be subjected to his cruel games and want to stay! I had to dig deep inside and muster all the strength to comfort him with ‘who he really is’. This I found difficult but really empowering because he really believed he had me! Claim your power back and stand strong in your truth and beauty! I am still healing but not my relationship with him but what he represented as he was a twin of my father and I haven’t seen my father for over 25 years, so unlike my past relationships where I was angry and hated them, I choose to see this man as a blessing and forgive him so that I could truly heal the past pain and set my self free for an healthier and happier relationship with someone else. I have been on an healing path for over 25 years and I am learning to ‘love me’ and have a loving relationship with myself before I can with a man!
I know it isn’t easy and some days I get really down and cannot see the point to my life and wonder why I keep attracting these types of men, but I can see now that through my connection with this man I am able to see what I have healed and what I still need to heal within myself. I believe everything is a mirror to our inner self and we can use these mirrors to heal ourselves, not easy but is worth it in the end, I think. 🙂
Hi Freedom,
Thank you for your post to Diane, I just woke up and truly identify with all you wrote– it blessed me and confirmed what’s been going on in my heart & mind as of late. Your name is it ! :)EL
Your very welcome Empathic Love, I don’t usually come on these sites and share such a personal aspect to my life, but reading people’s stories on here really touched me and I feel it’s time for me to come out and share with like minded souls.
I do believe that this type of man can heal the damaged parts of themselves, if they choose too! He wanted me to rescue and fix him, but I learnt from my past mistakes and chose not to but instead focused on rescuing myself.
I wish you much strength and love on your journey 🙂
Freedom,
It’s very compelling, I have never been active on a blog before either. This last experience was so confusing, and it was such a blessing to find out the truth that was eluding me, while also not having to feel so alone & trapped with everything & particularly the state of affairs with withdrawals– I didn’t know the pain, tears, lies , false comfort had actually strung me out– I really felt like I emotionally bottomed out– never occurred to me that I had become addicted to soc! Everything I’ve been learning, recovering is not a only healing, it’s drawing me closer to my faith— I hope it’s not stock home syndrome– but I have more compassion for soc condition– as I’m learning that yes Stay Away and NC– the charm is like heroin, but also I can pray from a distance for him–as I’m starting to see the gift that this really can be for my full recovery of old patterns, wounds and blocks to real freedom to love myself and others in wholeness. Thank you for triggering some more good insights– this is what I love most here– and what I struggledost with soc– there was no sparking depth / true insight and excitement for life… Still makes sense though sad and still tough to accept. EL
Free—Thank you for blessing and also Miracles, healing breakthroughs & joy returned to you as well — EL;)
Yes I agree with you EL, I came from a abusive background and never knew love, kindness and support but instead was subjected to a life of deep neglect and abuse, so I kept attracting this type of people and situations into my life. Sometimes I feel so alone because when I started on my self development/spiritual path my family and other damaged souls tried to hold me back so I had to let them go. I have done most of my healing on my own and have had to learn to de-program what happened to me when I was younger and find what is the ‘true essence of me’ It has been a long and painful journey and I feel that everything I had learnt I put into practice with the spath. I believe everything happens for a reasons and through him I can so see how much I have healed myself, very rewarding but not an experience I would want to go through again. I just wouldn’t let him charm me and the more you love yourself you don’t look outside for the validation but within yourself. If I am honest Buddhism really helped me in many ways because they teach non attachment. If I feel I have an attachment which I was beginning to feel with the spath I just removed myself from him for a few days and looked within to see what I needed to heal. Of course he didn’t like it and the beauty of it, I didn’t tell him what I was doing! Haha. When I said my final goodbye instead of being angry and abusive towards him I just thanked him for showing me what I needed to heal within myself and wished him well on his journey. I don’t think he as expecting that! Lol. He moved on to another victim and I tried to warn her but he had already got control over her, this made me feel sad as he is still exploiting women, but all I can do is pray that she may one day see the light and I also pray for his soul that he may redeem himself and treat women in a better way!.
Thank you EL ~ May the angels protect and watch over you on your journey 🙂
Wow. Had to comment that I practiced what I preached with soc, I feel I was honest as much as I could be, kept my conviction, came from a place of love & hope and also thanked him — he thanked me too ( mirror?) but then he didn’t want to just let me go -/ still gamed and then It just all clicked– when danger became real -/ I prayed with him before I left him not knowing that I would wake up the next morning knowing I had to abruptly go NC — I still had no understanding of him as soc but believe it was divine intervention & protection. As his impulsive and aggressive nature came through the night b4 again. Just trying day by day to to continue healing process –I have done a lot of healing work over the years– feel I shared and showed up in this with truth and God. I had been praying forge e rational healing every day for atleast 4 years — this may have been a creative answer to prayer as I can run away from what I learned from soc — I have to confront the roots — and I feel so much more hope than I ever did — because now the scales fell from my eyes, I know for sure no one can rescue & completely heal be but me & my faith! So glad to have you free a d the others as companions for the journey -/ I just went to Pilates — strengthen that core!! And mass / rosary -/- praying for Christmas miracles 😉 el
Thanks for your inspiration EL I just love the word ‘roots’ like you I have been peeling back and healing the many layers to my inner being. I think that the soc tell us things that we want to hear to draw us deeper into their web, before my healing journey I would hang onto to the slightest complement and if someone said sometime negative it would crush me. This is why when the soc tried to flatter me with his words and put me on a pedal stool, I was able to separate his words and through learning how to read body language and the tone of words, I know that it was not coming from his heart but from his backside. He would call me beautiful everyday but I did not feel it from his heart and I could see grey smoke coming out of his mouth! I have practiced meditation for many years and this helped me to face the soc, I was able to still my mind and listen to him with my inner ear because that is where the truth lies! I feel that I am nearly there in breaking the chains to the abuse I was subjected too!
Have a beautiful day EL ~ I pray that you will also be free from your past and I wish that all your dreams may come true, you truly deserve the best. Shine your light ❤ 🙂
Freedom,
I completely understand what you are feeling. Every time my spath gave me any kind of compliment, my heart BROKE. I knew he as faking it. My heart hurts just talking about it. Deep down I knew that none of it was genuine. Yet I played dumb so I wouldn’t be alone, I guess.
Today’s story…! The ex brings back the kids and the new puppy. I am being very business like and firm. The kids tell her that I am winning an award, she says, “What for, texting.?.” Referring of course to the ‘event’ last week where she stole my phone and read all the texts…I ignored that so she tried again later when I had taken the kids to a party….texting that she had started smoking again because of last week….I ignored that too, the next text was “My mother will never forgive you…” Well that didn’t do anything either…! I am beginning to feel strong!
I am using the strength of Nelson Mandela as inspiration..if I can garner one iota of his courage and capacity I will get through this
Yes you will and expect lots more messages. All trying different tacts to break you down. Be the bigger person. It will get to her more than you. You will start to see her for who she really is. Stay strong.
Many tactics indeed. My spath keeps asking and shouting, “who are you seeing!! Where are you?” On and on! No other man even exists – it’s crazy making. He tries to make me feel dirty and bad (like he is). He was so vicious, since I ask questions and I’m not taking lies anymore. He’s lost control. He texts up to 50 times a day and calls about 20. I finally told him:
“Go on with your life, I won’t interfere, I was always faithful to you, I’m not accepting your abuse as a part of my life. Please don’t text me everyday anymore. Text me in a few weeks for Christmas!” It was sarcasm, in other words don’t text at all. I am so darn sick of his shenanigans!
Bunny keep strong and NC!!! 😉 they do eventually wear out it took the soc about 2 months– but it definitely amps up to some crazy crescendo — that when it’s hardest– keep NC no matter what and it will slowly get less and less– be boring– NC is so boring for them no drama or emotion– they are bound to find or create it somewhere else– if you stick to your guns — it is so crazy when it peaks–some crisis or some sympathy thing can pop up to see if you will weaken& respond– we can do this!! Pace, EL
Pos – this is so great to be able to respond from my smartphone! I don’t know why I couldn’t before (I thought it was bc of my mobile) – but this new layout fixed my issue!
Anyway – I have a question that I’m hoping someone can answer. Why do some of these people go into stalker mode (like midfortiesandwhat’s ex), while others go immediately into severe silent treatment?
I think it’s because, after you, some soc’s are busy with new targets. Once they jack those up, they may bother you again.
Sociopaths, whilst they do follow common traits of behaviour, are just like other people in terms that they are also individuals too. people with different backgrounds and experiences that shaped them to be the way that they are. The one that did sudden final discard, after our child died, without warning, was also a runner – (he literally ran away) and he did a lot of stonewalling. So I think that was the way that he liked to control. He was ‘passive agressive’.
The one afterwards wasn’t passive agressive, he was outwardly agressive. This was more narcissistic. His behaviour as obvious and deliberately designed to hurt. His method was on/off lure you in, spit you out.
The final one the charismatic sociopath, he saw that he had groomed me, had put effort into me. I was therefore something that he owned. Like a part of him. Even if he didn’t want me, he wouldn’t let me go, without ruining me. With that one there were constant threats, stalking, harassment, bombardment of communication.
I would say that with the final two, that there was some ‘feeling’ even if it was in terms of ownership on their part. The first, there was nothing there. it was empty, fake. Even in the relationship whilst stonewalling, there was nothing there behind the eyes. Just dead.
I think, that some have connection in terms of ownership, whilst others feel nothing at all. Ownership to a sociopath is serious… it is control. Each – displayed controlling methods in different ways. For me, the very worst type and the cruellest, was the complete discard. As it is so sudden and without warning, and very painful to cope with, as there is no answers, no closure. When you get the ones stalking you, or bombarding you – you do at least get some kind of closure, in that they hurt you so bad, you switch off from them.
When it is sudden discard, silence. This is awful, as you have no clue what is going on. It ended so suddenly, there is no breakdown, it goes from full on ‘love’, to nothing. I know it was something that I really struggled to deal with.
Thanks Pos, for this explanation.
Is it possible to have a combination of these? Your first one completely resonates – the passive aggressive runner. What’s this one called?
But I think mine also has the first half of your paragraph about the charismatic one – in that he put effort into me and doesn’t want to let me go, but instead of bombarding me – he does this by mostly silent treatment and not allowing us to close off the last of the logistics that are tying us together.
Is this possible?
Bunny can you block him on your phone, that’s what I did because I was getting bombarded with messages and love songs, all bullshit of course! The only thing that bothers me, he told me that one day he would surprise me and turn up where I live, he has never been outside of his country so I am hoping it was just his tactics to get me paranoid! But he kept telling me that he would ‘change’ as we belonged together and that he would come for me one day! I am moving on with my life and I am going out meeting guys but I am still not ready to be involved with someone else, I was thinking to myself today, I am ready for ‘the nice guy’ as I really do not want to encounter such an damaged man again! If I am honest I am just focusing on ‘loving me’ and doing the things that makes me happy. Be strong we can move on and attract a good man. 🙂
Prophette, I read something on here earlier and I think that the soc responds to what will more effective in keeping you trapped in their web!
Morning Prophette,
I spent some time on Sociopath world which is a blog written by a sociopath and most of those who write on the forum are sociopaths. This question came up and the answers came out as two different groups (from the sociopaths themselves) The first was the group of sociopaths that kept coming back and never really let go. This was because of two main reasons… one is that they felt that the target now belonged to them. Some of them said this was because when they are with each target they are a different version of themselves, they therefore feel that person is part of them. The other was because they had spent all that time grooming that person that they liked to keep tabs. The second group of sociopaths were like yours and mine and Pos’s first one, Once they could no longer get what they wanted out of us, once they realised that it was too much trouble to keep us in line or once they just got bored, they were done with us. They then had no desire to go back, we were waste, rubbish… i think one of them said something along the lines of … once you have finished with something (he used some type of commodity analogy) and you throw it away, you don’t go scrounging around in the garbage to get it back… you just buy a new one.Another said, “once i’m done, i’m done. Why waste my time on something that is broken, not giving me what I want, when i can just get a new one”
IT is an interesting site. At first I was fascinated, but then I got bored. These people are depraved and all say similar things and speak a similar way. It’s like a group of children with a better vocabulary.
Hope you are well today xxx
Hi It Is Done!
Thanks for the reply – I may have to check out that website. You see why I’m confused, right? My Soc is definitely like yours and Pos’s first – he seems to have just been “done”. But after a while of not getting anywhere by trying to talk to him – I gave him many an opportunity to “officially” close things off by doing a final exchange of stuff. He had left a bunch of things here (which he did say he wanted) and I wanted the pics. But he never took me up on the offer. Wouldn’t they just want to finalize things and not have loose ends?… mine still has some mail coming here a year later even though I asked him to do a change of address. He also, as you know, is offering up the pics, but only under the caveat of meeting face to face. It’s so confusing and frustrating…bc some things are just lingering still.
I’m doing alright today – not great, but hanging in. I just wish it was January and these holidays were done. Ugh.
How are you today?
HI Prophette,
I know it is hard. They do the weirdest things that I will never get my head around because we are empathetic.
I don’t know if I told you about how mine ended? I will give a quick synopsis… the day after egg pick up/sperm collection he broke up with me. He did this at the end of the day, cuddling up to me in bed and saying “you know it is over right?” Gross!!!! After a wasted conversation where he was completely unemotional, uncaring and calm, I moved into the spare room. The next day, even though he promised me he would wait until i had moved out, he was on Eharmony. I found out the next day and immediately collected some essentials and left. Stayed with a friend. I only emailed him once five days later to say that a real estate may ring to ask about how long i lived with him. I then moved all my stuff out mid week without him knowing while he was at work. Somehow the night i moved he found where i lived and came to my door in an incredible rage (i still have no idea how he found my address and to this day it worries me) and threatened me to the point i had to call the police but not before he vandalized my car. All i did was move out 2 days earlier than he was expecting. He accused me of stealing food and alcohol and a $20 drink bottle!!!! – he is almost a millionaire… I actually took less than my share of the food and alcohol and as it turned out I found his drink bottle in my car a few weeks later (I keep it as a reminder of what a douchebag loser he is). That night he wrote a few threatening emails that were designed to get me upset… hitting every hurt point he could possibly find. Except for one email where i said i was sorry that it ended like this and that i loved him and wanted to be with him but he had now made that impossible and to leave me alone… after that i ignored him. Unfortunately I then found out that I needed his signature to sign the 3 embryos we got over to me. So i played him at his own game, with the pure intention of getting him to sign the papers. He loved that part, kept abusing me/threatening me making out it was all my fault/my fault he keyed my car, my fault the relationship was over as i wasn’t good enough (but without telling me what it was i wasn’t good enough at). But i also got him to promise that he would sign the papers. I had left a few things by accident at his house and he said he wanted to give them to me. SO he brought them over one night. I once again reminded him of the papers, he then started to renege as he realised this would be the last time i spoke to him. I countered him by saying, you promised on your childrens life and yet now you are not in control you take it back?… he gave me that smirk. but then promised. I walked away and said, there is nothing left to say Nigel, It is done. And i walked into my apartment block. He text me a few times that night saying things like… you know what… if we had made it to christmas i woudl have asked you to marry me. blah blah blah… i told him to go away.. it is done. about 4 days later i got another text saying… “i know you want me to fuck off and i will, i just wanted you to know that i went for a bike ride this morning and I saw a stork… i hope you don’t mind but I gave him your address. I hope he finds you.” WTF? this is what i mean about why they do stuff? who knows… it may have been his way of trying to keep his foot in the door, it may have been his way to show the new woman what a great guy he is and how psycho i am … who knows?
I ignored him. About a month later i got an email that was passive aggressive, with undertones of threats if i ignored him wanting to know when i was going to send the papers. (I had found out by that stage that i actually dindt’ need his signature after all as the embryos were legally mine) I wrote a very polite, unemotional letter saying that his signature was no longer needed… I never heard from him again.
My point is, maybe my soc did what he did because he wanted to keep a foot in the door just in case. Maybe he then found someone who was better suited to get what he wanted. So i became redundant. Maybe he was surprised by my response and realised that i was just not going to play the game and therefore he was done. I was a wasted effort (this is what i really believe) Maybe he realised that i was smarter and stronger than him and too dangerous. Maybe he realised I had gone NC and therefore if he was to contact me he would loose (and he hated loosing and i beat him at a lot of stuff) Actually – you know what… i think it was all these things.
In your case maybe he loved that you were feeding his ego by trying to tie up loose ends. Maybe he left the mail coming to yours so that it was still a pain in your arse and was a reminder of him (for punishment?). Maybe he left it because he jsut didn’t care/couldn’t be bothered. Maybe he left it as a “just in case” things don’t work out with the current target. Mine has an ex wife that is still playing his game so I wasn’t necessary. Maybe he realised that you were not going to give him what he wanted. What does your gut tell you?
The beginning of the end for me was when he asked when was i going to put extra money in the house. My reply was when i went on the deed… the look on his face said it all. He tried to convince me for about 5 days that there was no need for me to go on the deed. When he realised that the only way i was going to put more money in was this, he started the process of replacing me. Of this now I am pretty sure. THere was another incident around the same time. Where he realised that I did not think that he was better than me. that we were equals. Discard was about 1 month after these two incidents. I noticed many changes in personality after that time. As he no longer felt as compelled to keep the mask on. and as well he was grooming others for primary source and taking on some of their personality. Hind sight is a wonderful thing.
Not sure why I have unloaded all this. I guess, it is my long winded (as always) way of asking… what does your gut tell you is why he has done those things? because I think you will find that is the answer.
I am doing ok. I am going to start looking into some webinars today to start my motivation and to get my love of marketing back.
Hi It Is Done,
Thanks for sharing your story. I’m sure it must have been difficult to have to re-live it, so I appreciate you doing so. What you went through was so horrible – and I’m sorry you had to do that.
Regarding my gut. For the first 6 months after the discard, my gut was telling me that all the signs he was showing were of someone who was extremely hurt, regretting the decision to walk out, but too stubborn and proud to come back to fix things. For example, he left all his things here and didn’t want to come pick them up, he would send random text messages saying that he still loved me and missed me, but that I had hurt him so bad, and that he’s never felt like this before, so he just doesn’t know what to do and was so confused, he would tell my friends the same thing and say “I will always love her, but she doesn’t love me the same”. It took him over two months to finally get a moving truck and get his things, after I had to keep begging and pleading with him to get it done, bc it was too hard for me to have all his stuff around. Every time I’d find something of his and let him know, he’d want to come over to pick it up instead of having me mail it. Even though I asked him to change address, he wouldn’t – which then meant I’d call him to tell him it was here, and he’d happily come by to pick it up. When he’d come over, he’d get all goo-goo eyed and tell me I looked great, and that he missed me, but the hurt was killing him. Everyone agreed that he obviously didn’t want to let it “go”…and we all thought he just needed some time to get over the hurt. I even put up with his pathetic shenanigans bc I felt bad that I had hurt him so much.
But then 6 months later my gut changed. I found out that he had met someone basically the first weekend of our break up – and that during the 2 months where I was sitting amongst his things, thinking he was lonely and confused and staying at his brothers house (that’s what he told me) – he was actually living with Fugly (sorry, name was coined by a friend when we saw a pic of her. God bless her, but she is a bit of a sore sight). I decided I no longer wanted to see him and he couldn’t come here anymore, and instead I’d be mailing him everything. That upset him, and that is why I also still don’t have my stuff either. He owed me rent and storage unit fees, but didn’t pay me. He was angry with me every time I tried telling him we should just do the final exchange and move on with our lives – he was already with someone else anyway! But it never happened. Between the anger, the lies, the lack of closure, constant guilting – it just didn’t feel like a break up should. Then later I found out that he bought a new house for him and Fugly…less than a year after our break up. And this would have been with all the money he saved while he was living with me. When we were together, he gave up his apartment, and moved in with me so he could save money, so we could buy a house together. Instead he used that money and bought a house with someone else. So – with the help of meds (anti anxiety) and counseling, I came to realize my entire relationship start to finish, was an absolute lie. And then my gut told me he was just an a*shole getting pleasure from messing with my head….and that the only reason he wasn’t fully closing things off, was to keep a foot in the door, and for kicks. I also think that’s why he insists that we meet so I can get the pics instead of posting them for me online. He will probably give me some snot and tears routine about how miserable he is, and it’s all bc I couldn’t love him enough. It’s just so sick though, bc you’d think he would have stopped, given he’s living in the new house with the new target now.
I’m so glad to hear you’re starting webinars. Out of curiousity, do you use LinkedIn?
HI Prophette,
It is actually quite cathartic to write it all down. There was more to the final discard story but that was the crux of it. That there was no reason as to WHY he no longer adored me and that he completely degraded our relationship once he had decided it was over even though only 1 week before we were “forever”. And once he discarded me that he smirked at me whenever he could dig a barb in (including when i told him i knew that he had been on Eharmony and I was leaving) and all the other hurtful things i have left out.
I read your story, they really are douchebags. My feelings on this are that once your eyes are open and the truth comes out, then you have the real understanding. I therefore would trust your second 6 month gut feeling. It does sound like he is trying to keep a foot in the door. IF you are correct and With that in mind… I would think that he will contact you in a few weeks to follow up on the pictures if you don’t contact him again. He won’t be able to help himself.
His continuous telling you that he loves you and misses you is disgusting, as he was with another woman at the time shows how narcisistic and selfish he is. That they move on without a second thought shows a lack of remorse and compassion. That they still try to use you and keep you in tow is narcissitic. Once you have your pictures, stay as far away from him as you can. If he doesn’t respond about the pictures, do the same.
Yes I am on linkedin…
You’re totally right, It Is Done – if the pics thing does happen, I need to go running right after. I am with you on paragraph one – week before discard he was asking when I thought I may want to get married…seeing as we had already been together for three years after all! He had me and my besties convinced that he was aiming for last Xmas to pop the question…which is another reason the bloody holidays are so hard for me.
Re the moving on and lack of remorse and compassion – did you see my response to Oneredflower? I was the turkey in his sandwich of women. Geezuss.
The reason I was asking about LinkedIn is bc when I was unemployed, it was a fantastic tool. I hadn’t fully utilized it before, other than to just connect with people – but was amazed at the traction when I started using it properly. I joined several marketing/branding/creative/advertising groups – and was able to stay connected to the industry by reading what they were posting. I also updated my title to say I was an Independent Marketing Consultant – and I got clients that way….before you know it, I had my own business. Some of my clients were people who I was already connected with, and others found me randomly through the site when they were looking for contract support. In Canada, an Independent Consultant can charge 3x-4x their usual hourly salary wage – so by just taking on a few clients at a time, I was able to keep paying the bills, and adding to my resume. I did this for two years…and it was a life saver. Showed no gaps in the resume, showed I was entrepreneurial – and helped me land the full time job I have today.
Thanks Freedom. I’ve read so much to educate myself – but every time I read about someone getting bombarded with messages, I always get so confused. Mine went quiet and completely ignored every message I sent. But given that I was trying to get him to talk to me in the beginning, then what you’re saying makes sense. He knew I wanted to talk bc I had questions, so chose to keep me trapped by ignoring me. Unfortunately that was back when I didn’t realize what he was – so I kept trying… and always silence (and sometimes I’d get an angry response).
Hi Prophette, you are very wise to get educated because I found that what pisses them off is when we can read them and are one step ahead of them, and I was the one who was silent and that really bugged him, because I wasn’t falling into his trap! They are clever because as I read on here from positive girl they spend time getting to know us and they get to know our trigger points and that is what they play on! I think the key is to turn it back on them because they just don’t expect it and it rattles them because when they think they have you worked out and you respond in a different way this dis-empowers them! I read a really good article on ‘the python snake’ I read the spiritual meaning of it and it is really fitting to the soc because they stake out their pray and they slowly suffocate them!
You see, that’s where I got screwed Freedom. It took me about 9 months after the break up to figure out that he was a Soc – so I played right into his hands by reaching out as much as I did. All I was trying to do was get closure bc everything happened so fast. I didn’t realize back then that it was impossible to get closure. He would have known based on my frustration, that ignoring me was a trigger point. It’s so interesting how they can be different in this way – some don’t leave you alone, while others make like you don’t exist.
What is the python snake?
I agree with what Freedom has said, When you don’t play the way they expect it really throws them. I am sure all of my socs ex’s (affairs and wife) threw themselves at him. I was the only one that didn’t look for answers or closure as I instinctively knew that i would not get them. It threw him. When I moved out without his knowledge, he went into a pure narcisstic rage as he knew he had completely lost control over me. That was a massive blow. Then he tried for revenge but I took that away from him too. So then he just walked. I was now a lost cause.
The guy I was with is very good at pretending I dont exist and I’ve come to realise that the only closure I’m going to get is without his cooperation. That is, I have to device my own rituals and steps to achieve closure. These steps have to leave him out of the equation: My sense of closure can’t rely on his reaction because there will be no reaction from him.
There are moments when I still marvel at how unfeeling he is. He used to tell me that he took only 3 days to get over breaking up with his ex of two years. And I guess that shd have been a red flag but I was too besotted to see it. I just wanted to avoid talking abt the women in his past.
😦
I actually helped mine “escape” his previous ex, so I unfortunately was the OW. But based on what he was telling me, I thought she sounded crazy too. And bc he was so over the top taken with me, and everything was so perfect – I thought we were soul mates and didn’t question why he didn’t need any down time between relationships. Man, was I an idiot. But then karma came and bit me in the a*s, when he did sudden discard and moved right in with someone else. I’m sure I was the “crazy one” this time, and that this new girl heard all the same crap I did.
Knowing that I was sandwiched between two other women has helped me get some closure. Only a sick person could do that.
Absolutely. Someone who has no compassion, no care or respect.
I found out, near the end of our relationship that i was actually the OW… when i first met him, he told me he had moved out 8 months before…. the truth was he was still living and sleeping with her (the then wife) right up till December. This was a month after we started seeing each other. It was 1 and a half months before final discard that the mother told me he had still been living with her/still trying to work it out with the then wife and had not moved out until December (1 Month after i met him). I did some more detective work and found that this was most likely true. When I asked him about it, he came up with some dumb answer about not wanting his mother to know that they had split. And i believed him (although my intuition was SCREAMing at me, so really, I didn’t believe him).
That lie really hurts. This shows that he was lying to me right from the start and that the whole relationship was based on lies.
It is done ~ you should be so proud of yourself because I did the same and the soc I was involved with was also used to women throwing themselves at him, he knew their weakness and played them, but I just didn’t need him and he didn’t like this at all! Power to us women, I say,yeah!
The meaning of the python snake is so like the soc because they disguise themselves in many forms to impress you, they tell lies by impressing you with what they have achieved in life then they bombard you with love and affection and tell you all the things you want to hear and just like the python they slowly crush you, suffocate you and then destroy you. In the early stages of knowing him I saw this symbol in my dream and I took note of the warning, the signs are always there if we open ourselves up to listen within.
Thank you Freedom. I was proud of myself in how well i held myself. As far as the soc knew, all he saw was a strong woman that was not prepared to take anymore shit. I believe thta this is a big reason as to why he has not contacted me. I never cried, I never begged. I did try to discuss it with him but it was like talking to a child. I showed very little emotions. I was a proud, strong, independent woman. I was well out of his league and it emphasised that he was not going to get what he wanted from me.
It just shits me that here I am 6 months later still talking about him. He does not know this but it still shits me.
But you are right.. Power to us women!
I think you must be so strong It is done. I find it so difficult to just leave something. It kills me. I went back to the last socio so many times. History always repeated itself. But I had the blind hope that it might get better. It never really did.
You have a lot of strength to leave and just keep walking.
I didn’t feel strong Pos, but the alternate was to disrespect myself more than I already had. I knew in my soul that my begging for him to come back would only result with me having no respect from him or myself. I couldn’t make him want to be with me. He either wanted to be with me or not. The night of the miscarriage I spent the whole night begging him not to leave me. He decided to stay but only as long as I changed my psycho cindy ways (in 9 months I had got angry at him twice – both with good reason!). He then treated me like shit till the first real discard. I started to loose who I was in that time. After the first discard I started having counselling. I was learning boundaries and self-respect and I could not loose myself again. Not like with my first narcissist who completely broke me. I think also, all his lies were catching up with me, the triangulation was getting to me and I was tired of playing detective, so subconsciously, I think I knew things were not right. Even though I was hanging onto that dream with all my might, hanging onto the lies and the him that I thought he was, the only way I could prove that they were true was if he really loved me and thererfore he would stay. But he did not. I was not going to beg. He loved me or he didn’t. He didn’t. (although in one of his emails he stated that he would always love me… blah blah blah).
It sounds like you were stronger than you thought you were. It would have been so easy to beg, given the state you were in – but you didn’t. You should be proud.
Mine indirectly forced me to beg. Because his only reason for leaving was that he thought I didn’t love him, I instinctively felt the need to try and prove that I did – bc the alternative meant I was a cold hearted b*tch. I remember one night in the early days of the break up, he came by to pick up a few things, and I launched into this great big plea – and he just sat there with a completely blank stare. I was so confused about how disengaged he was – when the week prior he was telling me I was everything to him. He sat there looking me straight in the eyes, and there was nothing. Totally flat. Completely confused me bc he used to be so attentive and emotional. Now I realize it was the Soc stare. He let me rant, rave, and beg and then simply said “well – it’s just not going to happen.” A few days later bc I had gone quiet from being confused, I got one of his I miss you but you don’t love me texts. I went ape shit.
I wish I had been as strong as you…bc once I figured everything out, I did lose some self respect. And I’ll never forget what that feels like.
You know what Pos, I want to add to that…
Thank you, I guess I was strong. I don’t give myself enough credit. I felt at the time that it was my only choice, but it wasn’t. I could have begged him to stay. I could have sold my soul. I just didnt’ think that he would change his mind. But now i think he would have at least kept me dangling like last time. Beating me down again. I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction either.
Ah prophette I’ve said it once, i’ll say it again… what a douchebag your (our) ex’s are! That is pure manipulation what he did, to make you feel bad for him leaving as if it was your fault. Geez, what a pig. (mine did that too but a lot more subtly)
I also got that cold stare. Both times. The complete lack of responsibility, compassion, and remorse for breaking my heart. The complete lack of care. ugh! makes me sick.
With regards to being strong, I think that this came from experience. My last live in partner I now think was a narcissist. I made a complete fool of myself with him when we broke up. Worse, I was completely broken. I completely lost who I was. I swore after I rebuilt myself that I would never let that happen again… I felt it happening with Nigel between the miscarriage and the first discard, so when we got back together I was starting to focus on me. When the pattern repeated itself, I realised this and kept my promise to myself.
I still cried everyday for months and I still lost my job. And here I am still talking about him. But he doesn’t know any of this. But I do.
BTW transfer is now for Thursday, my body wasn’t ready till then 🙂
It’s so sad, isn’t it – to be talking about them and trying to get over what happened, so long after the fact. Thank goodness for this site – bc I know if I didn’t have you guys to talk to, I’d probably still be trying to talk to him. I’d have become a mental patient right now – bc by trying to talk to him, I really did feel like I was going crazy. I am going to take this as a lesson, just like you did with the narc, and not allow myself to be in this situation again.
I’m glad you told me about the change of date…I had actually put it into my calendar to originally send you good thoughts on Tuesday (I swear it says “positive vibes to It Is Done on her big day)! You’d have had a random great day then and wondered why! Now I will send you positive happy thoughts and strength on Thursday instead 🙂
You are gorgeous Prophette. Thanks for the good vibes for Thursday. You know. You are right. It is time for me to put this behind me. It is time to let go of the last bit. That is what I have been fighting with for the last 3 weeks since I lost my job. It is time. I need to find it within me to let this just be history. I have hashed and rehashed what happened. I know what happened. It was not right. It was a type of abuse. It was not a normal relationship. It was not a normal break up. I am worth more than what he gave me. He will only repeat with everyone else. There will be times I miss him. There will be triggers, that will send me back here to reconfirm what I know in my soul is true. But it is time I said goodbye to the pain and the past and move into a soc free future. One with self respect and love.
It is time. and i think i am ready.
Hey It Is Done,
You don’t know how much I needed to hear your words. I woke up this morning in a total funk. As you know, I’ve been struggling the past few weeks – and between the upcoming holidays, the blah and cold winter weather, and hearing from him about the pics – I feel awful.
I hate that he’s probably having tons of fun setting up the new house and getting ready for Xmas with the other girl, while I sit here by myself just praying that it was January.
I’m even having thoughts of telling him he’s a Soc, if I do end up seeing him to get my pics. I’m so angry that I just want to tell him off. But I know it would be useless. The injustice isn’t fair.
You are so strong, and I need to get back to the same place. These recent triggers have derailed me, and I can’t allow that. It’s enough. For me it’s been 14 months and I’m tired of it. He doesn’t deserve me feeling this way – and if what everyone here says is true, then I’m indirectly sending him energy…and I have no interest in doing that. I need to cut this final cord, just as you are doing – and make this history.
Please let’s continue to help each other through what must be the final stage of feeling this way. Thank you again for the message – it meant a lot.
Big hugs to you.
Prophette
Dear Prophette,
Do you know the story of the woman who helps an injured snake on the side of the road? She takes him, gives him love, care and attention. Once he is well and ready, he bites her, injecting his lethal venom. She asks,”WHY? after all I’ve done for you!” He says, “you knew I was a snake when you picked me up.”
Your spath will be biting this woman too…eventually. Things always look good from the outside, but you can bet there is lying, probably cheating and gas lighting. There is no good going on for either of them. The spath is like an evil spirit that roams through arid places and finds NO rest, no happiness.
I don’t know if I would refer to them “like” evil spirits any longer. Thinking of them “as” evil spirits will go further in separating from them and their toxicity… and may well also be closer to the truth.
Hi Bunny,
Thank you for reminding me about the snake story. I think this holiday time is really getting to me, as it brings back a lot of memories of a time when I was happy. I know you’re right – at the end of the day, he is very much like the snake in the story. I helped him so much and none of it even mattered. He conveniently forgot about it and turned things around making me the bad guy.
I was thinking about some of my conversations on here yesterday – and realized that in 8 years, he’s had 3 different “serious” relationships back to back – and not one single day of single hood in between them. That’s so sick. And that’s the only one’s I know about…who knows about how he came to be with the one before me – the pattern could have started way before.
When I first heard the snake story, I cried, for a very long time and hard. Now I exercise caution, I don’t like being bit. It’s sad we have view others in such manner. I only know one way to be. This is it. 24/7!
HI Prophette,
I really am sorry you are feeling so down. As I said, if I had been back in contact with the soc after all this time, I know it would affect me too. If I may offer some thoughts, please don’t be so hard on yourself for going back into a funk over him. Sit with it. Accept that this is where you are right now. That doesn’t mean to obsess about it, but to just be kind to you and say, “well, this is where I am right now… It’s not what I want but so be it.” Feel the emotions that you are feeling. Recognise them, but also know that they are short term. Immerse yourself in your friends and their love and your family too if you are close to them. You know that these feelings will grow less. And next time you are triggered they will pass again quicker.
For me, I am tired of thinking about him. Even his name is giving me the shits at the moment. Since I lost my job I have been on here all the time, it has started to be counterproductive. It is now keeping the bad feelings alive, whereas before it was helping heal me. I will ask Pos to send you my email address and we can keep communicating by email if you like? I will still come on here when I need a boost or reinforcement or like a few weeks ago when I felt like my helping others was making a difference. But right now I need to be kind to myself. I need to focus on my baby and my health and as I said, right now, I am just over thinking about him. Tomorrow that may change. Who knows? But I am here with you still. As I said, if you like I will send you my email, just let me know and we can become pen pals 🙂
Lots of big hugs and happy thoughts to you,
xxxx
Thanks It Is Done,
I appreciate your advice and completely agree with everything you said.
I would love to be your pen-pal – let’s make that happen! Do we just send Pos a note?
Ill email pos and ask her to send u my email.
How are u today?
Thanks for doing that.
Today I woke up pretty much the same. I’m so exhausted with work and life right now – that it’s a bit difficult to find the strength to turn my mind off when it starts going down the wrong path. Add to that – that I’m not sure when and if I’ll hear back about the pics…so that’s causing a bit of anxiety. I’m so sick of him. I don’t even use his name when I make reference to him – so I know what you meant.
How are you?
For me the stress on my emotions that wondering if he was going to call or not would be intense. I would be feeling just like u are im sure. It is No wonder your back feeling bad again. Don’t beat yourself up. It’s completely understandable.
I’m doing good. Considering I’ve not started looking for a job yet – very good. I’m making a conscious effort not to think about him too much. Only because this is where I am right now. I’ve been procrastinating with starting my new life post job but am starting to feel motivated for the first time in forever… But let’s not get too far ahead… First ill clean the house and wash the windows and then we will see 😄
That’s a very good word to describe the situation – intense. I don’t want to wait for a response – but naturally I am. And then there’s the whole – how do I handle having to see him? It’s so ridiculous – and that’s why NC is so important for healing. There’s no expectations of anything.
I hear you on the housework! I do the same thing – give myself goals of keeping up with the place…gives me something to do and something to accomplish. It’s sad that this sort of stuff used to take no effort. Now organizing the fridge needs a calendar reminder, a creative brief and a full on project plan.
Oh you do make me laugh!!!! Putting together the creative brief as we speak!
Yes NC is the only way, now and forever. That is why I don’t think how I just walked and went NC immediately was strong, it was the only way I could keep my sanity. I knew the alternate would destroy me.
Here is a thought, make two plans… Write them down so its solid. first one, is what u will do if he contacts, where to meet, who you will tske with you, even what you will say. the second what you will do if he contacts you but you decide that NC is the only way to save your sanity… I.e. ignore him completely, say sorry I’ve changed my mind, u can send them to me or not, which ever NC makes you feel best.
Then over the course of the next few days decide which it will be. I personally think closing the door and going NC would be best. U have to look after u and this is tearing you up. This will also hove you back the power. But I understand why you wouldn’t as well.
Just my thoughts for the day… Now I have a brief to write 😃
Hi Prophette
Isn’t it such a pain to feel so sad?
I can relate but I promise you that it’ll get better and, one day, he will no longer signify in your life. His name won’t even cause a reaction.
You have to let it happen though. Find things to distract yrself. Be with ppl who care.
Do whatever it takes (as long as it’s legal) to make you feel better.
I’m afraid I smoked like a chimney in the early days but it was truly the lesser of evils.
And the offer still stands … you can email any time.
Hugs
OneRedFlower
The worse abuse came after I got on ADHD meds which did wonders for me. I was really social, motivated, was pursuing my CPA, found a job I could love at a non-profit writing grants…and then he start waging a targeted campaign of severe emotional, psychological and verbal abuse on me that completely devastated me. I stopped everything I had been doing, stopped my meds, barely left the house. It was 4 years of hell. After the discard I realized that it was absolutely on purpose. It was MEANT to make me a mess, to take me from the best, happiest place I’ve been in my life and turn me into a miserable wretch. He was in NO WAY happy that I was doing so well; it threatened him! It also made him look bad. How DARE I be happy and doing something worthwhile! I was leaving my comfort zone, the one he made sure I stayed in, and my success gave him a serious case of narc injury and rage.
Hi this is such a good post Pos thank you so much! There are so many good points and stories on this post it has given me much to think over. Right now i have taken a step back in my recovery, my friend is going thriough a break up and its got me thinking of my ex so much. How he made our life and my life so comfortable in so many ways is tearing me up i just want it all back but i know its a lie.I feel soooo much that he has still a connection with me and as much as i try to move on and i have even oragnaised a date this is when it feels so strong i dont know what to do. i have prayed to my angels and read as much as i can which helps but as i am studying now and this pull is so strong i feel weak. I pray for this to end. Love to all
Butterflygirl x
It isn’t even so much that it is a lie Butterfly – the biggest problem for me, is that they literally have no conscience and would screw you and your life over, and stab you in the back without thought……
That is so true Pos the fact they can walk away with not once ounce of emotion is just the hardest thing to get your head around. I think believing it that it was a lie is just easier to deal with than thinking he loved me but threw me aside like a broken toy….they all seem to come off the same conveyor belt! Understanding does help a lot tho and sharing our stories takes the isolation and pain away for a while anyway
Hi Claire and Pos
*Do* they love us though?
I don’t think they’re capable of love. Surely it’s part of their repertoire to fake love so well that we believe it and that’s what makes the truth so devastating.
😦
Hi Claire, that is what i struggled with for so long, and still do sometimes though less and less as time goes by. How did he shower me with so much love, promise us such a beautiful life and then just throw me away as if I was nothing? Replace me like I was a commodity? But as time has gone by, I see more all the lies and the deception and the bullshit. I see that he was a child that never grew up. a selfish, controlling, bullshitting child. That smirk I now realised meant something sinister rather than his misguided attempt at being cute. Time. It amazes me how much time it takes to really accept and openly believe the truth rather than the lie. 6 months since discard and some days I still struggle. But much much fewer than before.
I know how you feel! I’m starting to believe that in the beginning, for me and my sp, it maybe???? was real… it was our longest stretch. He told me once that the first hint that anything isn’t perfect, he runs and it was his fault. But it’s like they can’t help themselves, because they are sick. The cycle begins.. One of our songs, (and there were many, because he was so intense and romantic that way…), was chasing cars by snow patrol. Maybe that helps, maybe not… just thought I’d share. 🙂
Hi Oneredflower, you are right they are incapable of love but boy do they sell it well. It is so devastating and a shock to realise that people like that exist. I am trying to take it as a learning curve while healing my heart at the same time. How have you managed with your situation?
Hello Butterfly Girl
I had to have therapy … but that turned out quite well as I discovered other more important issues to work on.
The sociopath in my life turned out to be incidental to other stuff … but my therapist agrees that he definitely has psychological problems. And she helped me device ways to ‘amputate’ him from my life.
Basically, she said I should do whatever it took to remove him physically from my reality. This included literal removal like destroying photographs, clothes etc, as well as symbolic removal like burning an effigy and also lists of things he’d done, his traits and actions, and also curses. I rounded it all off by mailing him the ashes (no sender address).
It was cathartic to say the least!
This site has helped a lot … esp in helping me to believe that nothing that happened was my doing. We tend to blame ourselves and my ex definitely tried to plant that idea in my mind.
This site allows me the see him for the devious, deceitful, manipulative jerk he is. It reassures me that I’m not alone and provides me with support.
I’m definitely better. Right now I’m mostly angry, which is so much better than being miserable.
For about a month I was crying for hours every day. I lost weight, which some ppl remarked was a very silver lining but, honestly, I’d rather be fat and happy.
I haven’t yet reached the stage where I can feel sorry for him and the Other Woman. Right now I wish them both disease, despair and desolation, but I’m ok with that. I know it’s natural to feel this way.
I just want my old life back. I want to be the me I was before he got yo me. I’m trying to keep busy and not think about him. It’s not easy but it is definitely getting easier every day.
How are things with you?
Love and Peace
OneRedFlower
Hey all,
Oneredflower, I am with you. I just want my old life back. The hilarious thing is that I was single and alone for 4 years prior. Ha! I will not give up. I have no desire to see him, just text. That is a big deal and accomplishment for me. It has been at least a month since seeing him. There were dates that I cancelled. I just said I’m not up for it, when really I’m thinking I’m tired of his garbage. Lies, manipulation, endangering my life when he drives, gas lighting, accuses me of cheating, asking for a name of the guy who doesn’t even exist, now name calling, withholding good s** very deliberately to frustrate me. Then in another heartbeat he is so loving and wonderful. Sick beyond belief!! Lately, it’s quite easy to be turned off and want to stay away!
Everyone is different, we advance at different times, ways, etc. I just want to encourage everyone. You are doing great! There is no magical formula. We have to do things in our own time. I admire all of you! I hope one day I can do a full nc.
Hi Bunny
You’ll get to the NC stage soon … I think you have to want to though and I believe you do, deep down. Just keep on telling yrself he doesn’t deserve even a nano second of your time. You’re too good for him. He’s way beneath yr notice.
Take good care and be good to yourself.
Hugs
OneRedFlower
Hi Onredflower, im good today thank you i may be going on a date soon..dip my toe back into the water hope i will be smarter this time i’m on full soc alert haha
I too have considered therapy as i feel i have past issues that are entwined with the situation with my soc ex that i need to work on.
It seems to be a good option to consider as you seem to have gained a better understanding of both ur ex and yourself, i will definately think about seeing a counsellor myself.
No you are definately not alone and im sorry you had to go through it too, it’s heartwarming to see how nice people are in this world even if it’s taken us to go through that heartbreak to realise that.
We are the lucky ones i cant imagine the misery of being a soc and never feeling true feelings.
I went from sadness to a form of acceptance, i fel i missed out somehow on the angry stage, it may be necessary but i just cant feel it yet, maybe therapy will help with that.
Yes i agree id rather have my lovely curvy fat bits than all the weight i lost while with him, which he was so kind to point out how skinny i got..yes thanks to him and the stress..duchebag
Did you know the woman hes with now? more pity for her stuck with him, but there are so many stages to go through until all anger or whatever we feel is gone.
True acceptance and release would be so nice but there is always ups and downs isnt there.
I hope you get back to yourself and even a better version!! you seem very kind and well done for coming this far.
Love and peace to you too, thats a lovely saying
Butterflygirl
Hi It Is Done,
I chatted to you recently when i first came on here, butterflygirl/Claire..i dont know why my name came up ha.
How have you been?
I read a little of your story and others..am busy studying for exam so only popping in occasionally.
You seem to have gone through the mill yourself but def seem very wise for it. You were right about the step back in progress as its happened to me now.
I totally agree mine was the same a totally selfish child in every way, but i only see that now looking back. It is hard to admit that about him as when i hold on to the glorification of him i cant beat myself up too much for putting up with all the bullshit.
I am struggling with the fact i have never been mad with him over all this, do you think that is important for recovery?
Wow 6 months since your discard your doing well, but i can see myself taking a long time to get him fully out of my head, its been nearly 3 months now since my discard and like you its getting easier in some ways, the no contact does help a lot.
Hi butterfly,
I also struggled with anger, I have barely got angry at all. This is something I’ve been discussing with my counsellor and for me has to do with my family of origin wounds. I don’t know if it slows down healing, unfortunately there is not much I can do about it. For me, I think it makes separating the lies and the dream harder as not only was my abuse very subtle but because of my inability to get angry, I think it inhibits healing into acceptance. I have reached acceptance – most of the time – and I guess because there is very little anger, there is also not as much shame or being angry at myself, which for me, now I’ve reached acceptance I’m kinder to myself. But this is just me.
You are doing very well and come a long way… Unfortunately the triggers do happen and it’s a little step back but then it’s moving forward again before you know it!
Good luck in your exams x
Hi It Is Done, how are you today?
My first exam went really well thanks for asking.
Oh that helps to know that anger is not always an emotion everyone feels who has gone through this.
I was thinking of going to counselling too and have been looking up family issues, i have some myself, and think maybe i could ask about co-dependency. It seems like a relevant topic to explore, it would be great if Pos had anything on the topic, her posts are reaslly good.
I do get what you mean by delaying the healing as it kind of feels that you havent gone through all the stages i think?
But yes i havent beat myself up too much either and am learning to be much kinder to myself also, that alone feels really good.
You explain and write very well, i am trying to improve that myself.
Thank you, you also have come a long way, if i can be of any help with advice i hope i can at some stage for you as yes it is backwards and forwards all the time.
There really are amazing and lovely people here, take care hope tomorrow is a good ay for you.x
Butterflygirl
Once again, I am just amazed at how much I can relate to this! I learn a little more with each article. I wish my friends and family would take the time to read these to understand what I’ve been going through. They would always roll their eyes and say “not again” when I went back to him. I understand their perspective and how it must have looked but they really don’t, mine.
Shattered,
I am right there with you. No on in person understands (friends, family). Here everyone gets it and understands the crazy making chaos. I have been nc for a few days. He texts and calls all day and night, but we know it means nothing other than wanting control.
I’m trying to remember the problems: cheating, pathological lying, crazy making, gas lighting, being accused if cheating, having my face and throat grabbed tight, my arms were almost twisted to the breaking point, riding in a car is severely dangerous/wreckless, being put down in sneaky non obvious ways, yelled at alternately with sweetness to mind blow, calling me bad names (complete opposite of what he started as ).
No one understands all of this! It makes their head spin! Thank God we can come here! 🙂
Hi Shattered and Bunnyshy, oh yes it is so nice to have this site to chat to people who understand. The constant view of people we know who say but hes np good just get rid of him! Oh yes if it was as simple as that we surely would we are most definately capable of ditching a looser and someone that is no good for us but the sociopath is so different than just a plain looser.
Bunnyshy, fair play to you for keeping NC when you are getting non stop calls i dont know if i would have managed that but it is def the only way to go.
Yes remembering all they do even the slash good/bad times and behaviour is a reminder but hard to separate at times i admire ur strength.
I had mostly sweetness and when i look back underhand put downs but cant imagine if i had to cope with contact from him i pray that never resumes.
Absolutely thank god we can chat here its a source of strength,
for all my sistas much love, as the saying goes, it’s better to have loved and lost than to live with the psycho the rest of your life 🙂
” it’s better to have loved & lost than live with a psycho your whole life” — couldn’t sum it up any better than you butterfly girl!
Bunnyshy– NC it’s almost a new year 2014–it would be great to have an entire soc free NC New Year– one day at a time ! EL — spent Christmas Eve with friend and her 20 month year old daughter– so precious, adorable & eyes big and brown, full of wonder & joy! Such a blessing — my friend single mom– dad ran away and is missing out on his precious baby girl — got me thinking about the little girl inside us — and that Katy Perry vid awake. I am also living it out with my own mom– the saddest thing ever & so neglectful emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally– her heart broken, mine breaking too– don’t know what answer is, how to rescue the little girl, ourselves & our moms if they married a soc/ psych/narc– it’s overwhelming– the destruction & strength needed– I’m trying not to self destruct– the neglect is the worst to battle — so insidious and sneaky, condescending, manipulative, controlling — not unlike hostage taking– this Christmas is a real challenge, but I experienced peace , love & joy through the eyes of a child for a short while tonight and I am grateful — I won’t even mention the simultaneous heart break of what I see happening with my mom — my empathy is a blessing & can also be quite sensitive & painful — but I’m keeping faith– And we can’t afford not to–NC needs to happen with my father but how ? My mom is so vulnerable — I have no idea what to do — I can’t believe how much more support we can find — and it’s still not enough — but my mom had none… Almost 50 years of it — God please bring peace comfort & love– I’m soooooo angry with my father but all I do is get frustrated or sad — what gives, my brothers need to man up and confront him- they are in such denial it makes me sick — I’m trying my best to bring Christmas peace–when I’m not alone in tears stumped ;( I’m having trouble applying principals with fam that worked w soc– it’s even more difficult EL
Hi EL, hope you had a good christmas and all the best for the new year to you and all on here
Butterflygirl x
Hi Butterfly Girl!
How have you been? Are you Ok?
Thank you for good wishes/ hopes for Christmas & the New year– and the same blessings in 2014 to you!
That night I wrote last post– was interesting in that I had started a novena ( 9 days if prayer) praying fervently specifically for peace & Christmas blessing, miracle with family situation– my prayers have/are being answered– still challenging but truly there has been peace and provision- I have been strong but the Christmas spirit has prevailed– and there have been a few breakthroughs– I think I found a place to move and this weekend another family gathering regarding care plan for parents– I’m just staying steeped in prayer and asking for every miracle & blessing upon my family– that generational healing & provision be made.
I wish the same foryou BG & all– good tidings & peace, abundant & vibrant love in the New Year 🙂 EL
EL, Butterfly, to all my fellow survivors,
I am praying that I get back with the Lord. After reliving a couple bad past events, I became angry for over a year now. No relationship with Him, and we were close. Finally I am 90% coping with ptsd.
I am being recycled and groomed again through texting from my spath (theres an attempt anyway). He really thinks I don’t know what he’s up to. It feels good to be mostly healed. He asks repeatedly to go out together. I have no interest in feeling like garbage again. My hope is that I never see him again.
What concerns me is sometimes I think of the past, how he charmed me with feigned innocence and sweetness, how I caved in (he’s younger). The REAL him is scary, violent, and my life is in danger, etc. Just recently he choked his own mother in a rage. Most of the time he has an evil confused look, with SEVERE paranoia. Cbviously I would be harmed soon as well. I feel strong and I hope it stays that way. Happy New Year everyone! Love you guys, Positivagirl! 🙂
Bunny
Nice to see you back posting– I was wondering how you were as you’ve been MIA, it’s a new year — and as much I would love champagne kisses with a midnight cowboy at the 1st of 2014– it will be a releif to say adios to 2013 & soc. I already feel so much more promise ahead in 2014—just having survived withdrawls & myself is starting to shine through– I feel hope, promise and Gods hand & provision– so grateful for the last 3-4 months of recovery & the challenges of 2013– prayers for you Bunny, be safe & protected with Gods love & God speed 😉 EL–
2014 is going to be our year! I can feel it!!
Shattered, I’m with you! Cheers, Ching Ching! It must be close to midnight in England — I’m off to a vigil and then? Not sure 😉 I feel exhausted & relieved after 2013– 2014 is the year of refreshment, revisioning, refining & relationship!! Pace e Bene EL
Happy New year EL may all your wishes come true!! X x
Positiva I miss you! Thank you! and May God continue to Bless you, your book and shower you with every grace, miracle , healing & L-O-V-E of the purest beauty & light- now & forever! EL
Hi EL, I’m doing great at the moment thank you. Over the holidays i got upset and missed the spath but it didnt last long luckily. Overall i had a lovely Christmas my son brings me so much joy and i made the best time i could with my family though they can be trying at times. I decided as i have been for a while, to look at all the positives in my life and to be grateful for all i have i am so very lucky.
That is so good to hear that you have found peace and hope in prayer and that there has been some inprovements for you in your life and regards your family. I do not know your full story as to why you are glad to be moving? I do hope that works out well for you.
It is lovely to here some positive and happy thoughts and news through the ups and downs, life truly does keep moving.
Love and well wishes to you and all xx
Butterfly girl
Hi Bunnyshy, oh my you sound like you are going through a testing time how are things now/
Pstd is all consuming i will never forget it after my spath left, you are nearly healed and he is making contact that must be so difficult.
You sound like you are strong enough and wise enough to not let him in though you do mention you are reminising over the past, that doesnt make it easy at all when there is contact is there any way you can avoid him completely?
Mine was younger too and oh so innocent and calm but def the violent tendencies etc were there bubbling under the surface luckily i didnt witness them but have heard enough to make me never want to go back i pray he never contacts me again as i too have memories of a sweet nice guy..smoke and mirrors was all it was.
I do hope you are ok, you are in my thoughts,
Best wishes and hugs
Butterfly girl xx
ButterflyGirl,
So you had a younger spath too! It’s hard to explain to others about that. I felt more patience with him since I am older and “wiser”. It’s not a motherly way, yet it’s something like it. He pursued me till I agreed to go out (because I looked like a sucker!). I was never a “cougar”. Would never have considered it. So that was the first boundary crossed, starting from day day one!
I changed my phone number. No more texts/calls all day. It was making me sick. I was annoyed, yet kind of liked it. I would feel withdrawal symptoms while waiting for the next text or call. Sick!! It is so peaceful and enjoyable at my house now. No more TENSION. Although, he started calling my parents! They blocked his number but we can still see his attempts on record. Many tries….Ugh!
I also pray that your spath never contacts you again either. You sound really good, and strong! Keep up the good work. Thank you for your input. It means a lot!
Reblogged this on Family Court Victim: The War on Women and commented:
YES … SPOT ON!!!!
Thank you!!
I married a man that I truly believe is a sociopath. He has all the classic signs of one. We have been married for a little over month now. We married on valentines day. We’ve been together almost a year now. It has always been a roller coaster ride with him. The thing that bothers me most is I am 52 and feel like I met the man of my man of my dreams but only to find out what lies inside is an evil monster. Controlling, manipulative, obsessive. Daily I get accused of cheating. He claims he doesn’t cheat and that he’s always been cheated on. He has stolen my money at times. It just never ends. I have made him leave and now he just wants to play cat and mouse games with me. He wants me back then the next thing I know he spits me out to feed the lions. My biggest question how can I turn my back on him when he’s down? My thought is he is my husband still but I have never met anyone so cruel, spiteful, mean and nasty as him. When he gets his way he’s happy. When he doesn’t watch out because the spite is coming. The spitefulness and the name calling is the worst. Its very hurtful as I am so tender hearted. He did get on medication for his anger and mood swings but I realize now all the medication in the world will not cure him. It is something deeply embedded in his soul. How do you move on? The abuse only got worse after I married him.
Hi Pam,
Welcome to the site. I know that you have been with this man for a year, and that you are married to him. I don’t want to be the bearer of bad news, but this type, it gets worse, not better. And I wouldn’t be surprised if it ends up with domestic violence also.
I don’t know how you are feeling right now, you might not be aware while you are still in it. Someone who plays twisted psychological games with your mind, and is cruel can create lasting damage to you. Someone like this is the equivalent of an ’emotional vampire’ (google it) they will latch onto you, and suck the life force from you, until there is nothing left to give. Then move on, and then come back when you are feeling a bit stronger, so that they can suck the life force from you again. Whatever you give it will never be enough, whatever you do, it will never be good enough, there will always be a complaint. You will end up drained, and if you are not already possibly isolated too.
I have found that this is the worst type of abuse. It happens so slowly that you almost cannot see it coming or what is happening to you. By the time that you do realise you are so weak, devastated and destroyed it can become difficult to leave.
I am concerned about your safety, as I believe that this is one of the worst types. the abuse will escalate and it will get worse. And it almost certainly will escalate to domestic violence too.
You ask ‘how can I turn my back on him when he is down?’ I know that this sounds harsh, but this is not your concern, if you don’t manage to escape you will find it more difficult to leave. How he is, he has likely been for a very long time, and likely treated other women the same way. You cannot change him or fix him, you can only change and fix you!
Do you think that you are ready to get out of this relationship? Do you want to?
Ive been involved with a soc for 5 years. People would often talk about how similar we were… Had the same interests, worked in similar fields and outgoing personalities. We became ‘friends’… I was in a relationship at the time which I was not happy in and feeling vulnerable…. The messages started… Soon before i knew it I was leaving my relationship to start a life with him…. That didnt happen… He stayed in his. I fell for him. He was charming, he told me he loved me, he was so funny, we would talk for hours. Sometimes we’d sleep together (which I feel awful about) and he would ignore me for a few days and say we cant be in contact and then hed come back (he did this with about 10 girls)… I always thought… I would make him happy… We remained ‘friends’ through a few relationships… hed always find his soulmate, the mother of his children and life long partner (He would cheat with every one and tell me when he was caught!)… Then he went to therapy to improve himself to get back with his ex. I too was in therapy at the time as I was becoming aware that I have been attracting unhealthy relationships into my life… Long story short,,, I hadnt learned… We ended up dating… It didnt feel right from the start but also perfect… like he said i was his soulmate, i knew everything about him… It was HUGE… Within 3 months we were engaged… I kept bringing up the past… I called him every name… I was a ball of anxiety… He kept saying he had left the old version of him in the past but I could see all his patterns… I am so stuck at the minute… I have blocked him off social media… I am not responding to the most heartfelt messages… We share so much of a life… friends and work. He says it was because of his anxiety. I just know I cant be with him and I’m trying to learn boundaries which Ive never been good at. I’m really doubting myself and him… his lifelong friends have told me they were sorry it happened. This is him and they love him but know he is very destructive… they get frustrated for him and try to coach him in life to do the right thing… I am so lost.