One question that most victims of psychos ask, or at least contemplate to themselves, while in the relationship, is ‘can they change?’
This isn’t because you have left leave of your senses and want more abuse to come your way. It is more to do with the illusion that is painted at the beginning of the relationship. The Sociopath works very hard to earn your trust. In the beginning is the honeymoon period. They are almost too perfect. There is no tension, no bad, you start making life plans together. You laugh, life is good. You are looking forward to the future.
As they are great at feigning not only being normal, but also being very moralistic about others who are not good people, you almost pinch yourself, just how lucky you are, to have met someone so wonderful. You are not with the person that your partner condemns. The one who is unfaithful, the one who is a bum, who uses others for money. The flirt. The abuser. You know the whole list, this is not your partner. How keen they are to remind you of it too. You stare at each other with cheesy grins. Even if other people do not see what you have. You can see just how special this relationship is
I remember in the beginning, early months. When he was at his most prolific lying and stealing. We were in a bar. There was a girl sat in the bar, staring at her phone. She had her children with her. Wasn’t paying much attention to them. He looked at me, with a look of sadness, nodded towards the girl and said “It really upsets me, when men treat women like that, she looks so sad. My father was like that, treated my mum bad, I could never do that to you, or anybody”
I looked at him, proud. I finally had met a decent man. Who had good morals. Sociopaths are very descriptive, and will do and say just about anything to lead you to believe that they are anything but who they really are.
Then it all goes wrong…..
How it goes wrong, you are not quite sure. You cannot pin point it. What at first appears to be a series of unfortunate events, turns into an extremely run of bad luck. Right at the centre of this, is the kind, caring, loving person. Who you have become very fond of. The one who was there for you. You cannot possibly walk away from them, when they have been there for you. After all, he/she seems, just SO NICE.
This is all part of the Sociopath game.
In normal circumstances you would just walk away. Only…. you have fallen in love with Mr or Mrs Perfect. Although that person is no longer in front of you.You still have memory of the wonderful person that was sold to you, in the beginning. This is the person that you want back. This is the person you love. You haven’t even said goodbye.
When the Sociopath pleas that they will get help. You mean so much to them. They would do just about ANYTHING to make things work.
“I am so sorry, I did not mean to hurt you. You are the love of my life. I don’t want to lose you”.
Playing the game
Now you are sucked into the game. The Sociopath has you right where they want you. Hooked and in love with the false persona that they created, JUST FOR YOU.
They tell you that they have never felt this way before with anyone, but you. This part is partially true. No 1 they do not feel, for anybody but themselves. No 2. They create a different persona for every single person that they are with. What you saw in the very beginning was the real reflection of who YOU ARE.
By now, you might be so upset, you could tell them that you have had enough, that the relationship is over. This is common when you have faced considerable losses. You might feel that you cannot afford to lose anymore. This is a disaster, your life is falling apart.
The sociopath pauses….
“I love you, I don’t want to lose you. Listen, I will prove to you, just how much I love you. I will get counselling, go to therapy. I will go with you, you can see how much I love you, I don’t want to hurt you anymore”
In a flash, in front of you, is the person you fell in love with at beginning. The man or woman that you fell in love with. You know that walking away, is going to hurt you. You want back the person you met in the beginning.
If you are dating a sociopath and in this position now. Or if they are trying to win you back by claiming that they will get help. Quite simply, they are LYING. You are only setting yourself up for further losses. You might think that you will retrieve part of what has been lost, they will claim this too. But again, it only gives further dupers delight and the joy of conning you some more.
There were a number of times that he tried this one on me.The first was way back in 2012. I had just discovered the truth of who he was. I was devastated. I didn’t want to believe it was true. So, he told me that he would get help. He was going to counselling and getting therapy. By now he had been evicted from my house by the police and was now street homeless. A week later he had gained accommodation, and told me that he was starting counselling. Every Tuesday at 1 pm for around 6 weeks he would call me, tell me that he was on his way to his counselling session. Then he told me that his counselor was going to send a questionnaire to me and his exes’s, I would receive it in the post. At this point, I KNEW he was lying. That would not happen. Confidentiality for a start. Rather than admit that he was lying and it was all a game. He turned it around on me, that he was trying his best, and that I did not believe in him or trust him…. it wasn’t long after he just stopped calling me on a Tuesday to go to his sessions. When asked, he simply would reply irritated “Oh don’t start about that again”
I did not think he would try that stunt again. But he did. Again at the end of 2013. Where he claimed to be on the bus on the way for weeks. But he never went.
Again, in 2014. This time I really did believe him. To this day I am unsure if he actually went, or if he just made it up. He told me that the counselor said that it was my fault and that he was the victim. Somehow I do believe that he did go, as he did genuinely from this point seem to think that he was the victim. It didn’t make his behaviour better though, it made it worse. It made his treatment of me worse. When I mentioned that he was treating me worse, he said I was right, blamed the counselor and stopped going.
Don’t fall for it!
If this is you, if you are holding out hope for the love of your life to return. For you to live with the happy thoughts and relationship that you had in the beginning, you need to know that person cannot return for any length of time. This is not who they really are. It was feigned and faked to mirror you. To be the person that you wanted to see. This was done deliberately to use you for whatever it was that they could get from you. They come with an agenda and leave with one too.
Yes there will be change. But it won’t be the change that you want.
You have never had these things from the Sociopath. The only time that you THOUGHT you did, it was a lie, and an illusion.
They cannot change. There is currently no medication for Psycho/Sociopathy and therapy only teaches them to be more manipulative. Likely even if they did attend they would use pity play with the therapist and the therapist would believe that they are the victim of you. Caught up in their own lies and screenplay the sociopath can even believe this to be true and use this as a stick to beat you with.
If you want consistency, stability, honesty, trust, and loyalty, the only way to achieve this is to GET AWAY from them. Establish no contact. Stick to it. Work on healing and take it one day at a time.
- Be consistent with yourself
- Find your own stability
- Be really honest with yourself about the situation you are in
- Learn to trust yourself
- Above all, stick with your decisions, be loyal to you.
You cannot change the Sociopath. They cannot even change themselves. But you can change you.
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