Sociopathic seduction
Once the sociopath has accurately assessed your ‘worth’ (this could be financial, status, anything that the sociopath wants, that he himself doesn’t have), he will move into the seduction stage.
Tools used to seduce you
- Compulsive lying (telling you everything you want to hear)
- Fake persona (being who you want him to be)
- Mirroring you (see above)
- Empty promises
- Sometimes (although not always) lavish gifts
- Showering you with attention and false compliments
- Bombarding you and taking all of your time
- Being helpful, and the ‘perfect man’
I wrote earlier how at the assessment stage, he asked lots of probing questions. If you are on social networking sites, he would have analysed your page and watched keenly who you were interacting with and assessed who and what was important to you. He would have observed, and noted the things that things you like, and don’t like. He would have read past posts, gone through your timeline, to observe how you were really thinking.
This combined with the probing questions that he has asked you (which you initially consider flattering that he is so interested in you), will build a profile of you, so that he can seduce you and tell you exactly what you want and need to hear. Remember that this man is a predator.
In the beginning, you are blind, and you will not be aware of this, or if you are, you see it as flattery and that he really likes you. Not only does he send the message that he really likes you, by effectively mirroring you, he sends you the message that he is just like you.
In this phase the sociopath comes on STRONG. It is so strong, that it is almost off putting. He will openly tell people how much he loves you. He will even say this to people in his (remote) world, and (embarrassingly) to people in yours. He will say almost anything to seduce you. You will notice, as he pulls you close, that his full focus is on you, as he looks at you with his predatory stare.
His objective is making himself seem appealing to you. This is not an action coming naturally from his heart. It is a premeditated calculated move. What he does, to make himself seem appealing, really does depend on what he learned in the assessment stage, about ‘what YOU want’.
Word to the wise…. if it seems too good to be true, it probably is! His seduction will be way over the top. And it lacks sincerity. He will be overly attentive and shower you with attention.
- He will tell you how wonderful you are.
- He will pile on affection. Bombarding you with ‘love’ (but it isn’t love at all)
- He will charm you, and somehow will always know how to say the right words to seduce you(but most of it is lies and made up)
- He will seem fun and lively, up for anything. Especially anything that you want to do.
- He will seemingly take care of you and look after you. (things like walking on the road side of the street, making you a cup of tea, cooking dinner, clearing up)
- In seduction stage he couldn’t be more helpful
- He is fully attentive and gives you all of his attention, making you feel that you are the centre of his world (you are, you are his latest target)
Although it is moving fast, you feel happy. They make you feel happy. By effectively tapping into your needs and wants, you feel uplifted.
You introduce him to people close to you. You take him to meet your friends and close family. But of course, he can read your friends too, and likely he will have already assessed through conversation with you what your friends are like.
With premeditated calculation, he charms them too. With the seal of authority of the people close to you, you push to the back of your mind, all of the doubts that you had. After all, your friends have seen through losers before, where you didn’t.
This time, they tell you
- He seems perfect for you
- Your great together
- You are really well matched
It’s not the fault of your friends. He has charmed them too. He will tell them, how he will always take care of you. How he won’t ever hurt you. Any concerns they might have, he will automatically give them reassurances without being asked.
Some of your friends will be suspicious. He is now acting like he has known you all of his life. Friends, who have known you for all of your life, will be suspicious. But, he will do all that he can to ease their concerns. This gives you the impression that he will ‘fit in’ with your social network. You are beginning to think just how perfect you are together.
At this stage, you will not see the other side of him, the jealousy, paranoia, rage. None of this is existent to you.
He can be incredibly deceptive and manipulative. It’s not that you are stupid. It is that he goes to great lengths to cover for himself. He will shower you with ‘love’ and false compliments.
With the seal of approval from those close to you, you put to the back of your mind, initial concerns or red flags. You choose to ignore them. It is only later, that you realise the man who seemed so at ease with your family and friends, will feel jealous of your time spent with them. And he will likely try to isolate you from them. But right now, in early seduction stage you do not see this as right now, everything feels just perfect.
The reason that sociopaths are effectively successful is because they ‘mimic’ true love. Because they cannot feel it, they fake it. And using manipulative tools, he sends you the message, that you have a genuine connection that is real. The message that you receive is:
- I like you
- You are just like me
- We like the same things and share common interests
- We want the same things out of life
- We share common values
When someone makes you feel good, and also (appears) to show and display the traits outlined above, you can feel that it is safe to fall in love with this person, and that this is the person who you have searched for your whole life.
However, a sociopath is a predator and you are his latest victim and his latest target. If you look closely, you will see the predators stare. But likely, at this point in the relationship, you will choose to ignore it. You feel in heaven, it feels like a soul mate connection. His seduction is working, as he knows that it is when you are in love, he will have full control over you and you will be hooked, making it less likely that you will leave him. This will enable him to now use you for whatever it is that he wants.
Dating a Sociopath 
Beware they are smart..they are not that cookie cutter .perfect..nor they pretend to like all you do..they do want to please you and they do want to “learn” as they say the things you like.. in my case she knew from looking at my tastes that we had extremely different tastes so she could not all the sudden like all I did! So she put all her eggs on my passion for animals..and became vegetarian like me..but have in mind that oh she never much ate meat before anyhow! Our music was totally different..so she made a point..see I am not pretending that I have the same tastes!” aha! they are smart!! very fast! She never read books so she knew she could not lie I am huge book reader..so she would say tell me your favorites and I will read them all ”
When I caught her on things she would ..point the times I made mistakes…to divert the talk..or she would say this matter is so boring and have long pauses! or act very upset angry that I dare not to trust her, after all she did for me and how she loves me , she did all she could ..if she could she would give me the world. Oh I knew many times she was Bulls** me and making me confuse to the point I lost my head and got nervous..she knew how to make me nuts…then she talk sarcastic and say cry cry you are so sensitive!” She put down the things I love so much..we are from different countries and she loved to make indirect sarcasm talk at how Europeans are so white and slow and lack in sex drive , and how Latinos are hot in bed..she was all about sex..in fact ..I read now they are crazy for sex!! Just be careful ! Well many men will like how she is all over for you wanting sex everyday! So if you are not a sensitive guy she might just be good for you..so her new lover will love that B**** ! But hey she love putting the USA down and all that. I was a roller coaster! I am not one that likes those rides..and got very painful ..they know how to take you to the top and drag you down so low! I left her but she is making me pay by pointing her new love made her fall fast and open her heart very fast too ..But yes thank god if is true she has a new love..after all I was scared she would be a bunny boiler in my life! Thanks million times for your blog..you know these leechs very darn well!!
Ive known someone lk this for a long time. I didn’t how predatory he was until I became the target. Right down to “the stare”. The red flags got me researching & I found this site. Dodged a bullet, thank you!!
OMG I was involved with the male version of her.
OH my GOSH!!!!!
Ah, EVERYTHING… but the lavish gifts. At least I can laugh at something. 🙂 Thanks again for a great post.
Yes the gifts! Mine bought me nice handbags not designer ones but they were nice (3 in total over the years) and at the end of the relationship told me I owed him for the gifts he had bought and the money he had spent in restaurants on me (really? Nandos?) at least £3,000 and he wanted his f…ing money bitch! You really see the creature they are then…sick. What decent person at the end of a relationship totals up the cash they have spent and demands it all back? Go hang loser!
Mine was a millionaire and accused me of stealing food alcohol and a $20 sports drink bottle (of which he had about 10). I had moved out while he was at work. I took less than my share of food and alcohol and as it turned out I accidentally had his drink bottle (found weeks later). He on the other hand stole my iPhone charger and a pair of earrings! But I was the dishonest thief? He continued to live in our house, immediately dating and looking for my replacement and I was the bitch? They are warped sick uncaring people. Disgusting.
Oh wow – I had this same experience. But with a woman. When she discarded me, she actually in a screaming rage itemized the costs of gifts/meals/drinks she had paid for in two months while targeting me & wait for it, also the cost of the new clothes she had bought to try & make it look like we had the same tastes. Her rage outburst was insane & lengthy but also calculated I think – to show me the real person & ensure I never contacted her again so she could then get on with smearing me & playing the big victim without any contradiction with the next target.
Welcome isay!! Your comment is so spot on. I cant believe she changed her clothes to look like you… wow.. and i bet she said that your taste in clothes was awful or something like that. They really are terrible.
I’m going through this now. Mine started with gifts and seemed to give me things when he knew he needed something in return. Right now I’m expected to give him money for a car down payment because of all the gifts and a dinner date. He seriously tells me everything he has ever done or bought thinking I’m supposed to give in. Your comment is confirmation.
I wish I had seen this years ago. This was EXACTLY my life until last weekend!!! The predator stare actually gave me a wicked shiver as that was one of the things I fell for in the beginning. Did not realize it was a trait… I thought it was his beautiful eyes dancing at me, not sucking me into what would be the hell called my life. Thanks for this post.
lol…mine demanded that I look into his eyes when we made love in the beginning. Creepy, but effective.
Wow, this is relateable…
WOW! Oh so true!
My “relationship” ended just this week! I am still reeling that I didn’t follow my intuition sooner that his over the top “love” wasn’t quite right. I stupidly attributed his previous 9 live in relationships(1 marriage,1 engagement), his many Overlapping relationships to Mommy issues. Luckily for me I am a smart and intuitive women and it only lasted a little over 2months, but I saw, felt, and heard the evil, uncaring, cruelty before that. I just didn’t want to believe it could be true simply because he did everything you wrote in this post and more. I’m glad I’m not alone. Thank you!
I am glad that you got away after 2 months and hope that he has gone away. If you take them back and listen to their lies (as they will seduce you again if they had the chance and you had something that they wanted). No you are not alone…. welcome to the site 🙂
I thought mine had “mommy” issues too! Or that something bad had happened to him as a child or something. Turns out he was just horrible person.
He had a pretty happy childhood with an affluent family and parents who did a lot with him. Large, close knit family. The more I saw, the more I realized that his relationship with his family was largely manipulative. He was involved with them to the point of what he could get out of them. And he always had excuses for them if they asked him for anything or needed help with anything.
As far as money and things……..he had a lot of money. He like, hoarded it. And he only spent money on himself. It was like, doing anything for anyone else was a concept he could not grasp.
It was hard for me to grasp someone could be this horrible……for no reason other than they were just bad to the core. And he was. That was that. He was just this way, and that was that.
I’m not yet entirely sure if he is or isn’t, it’s a scale isn’t it? There are a lot of signs, and I did catch him in the very beginning lying about his age (by 4 years)…I let it go because he argued that he just wanted me to see him for who he was, not his age. I’ve been keeping my eyes open, while he brings the relationship forward at a quick pace. Got in our first argument the other day. He gave me a backhanded compliment, which I objected to…a few days later and I was the one apologizing for being offended (I decided to tell him what I think he wanted to hear, and only then did he respond to me after ignoring me for 48hrs). Now I’m trying to figure out how to break it off, and make sure I’ll be dodging a bullet instead of missing out on a good thing. I do see that everything at this point could be a game. I had a great weekend with my friends and 100% without him because of the whole “argument” thing that was going on. He was neglected as a young child, was wrapped up in lying to his father about his mothers cheating. He has only disdain for his older sister that he never sees. Has commented on how he’s quite good at suing people, something he thinks he gets from his dad. He once got out of being in trouble for beating up some guys who were trying to blind motorists with a shiny object, apparently he had to go to court and testify. He’s extremely moralistic, though I believe I understand things at amore complex level than he is capable of. He’s a very good writer, and uses flourishing language. He doesn’t talk much about friends, except for the ones it seems he get things from, e.g. skiing advice. The friends he does consider his closest, he does nothing but insult for their small lives. Since I started seeing him 4 weeks ago, he has yet to actually do anything with any of them. He mentions a time when he was 5 or 6 years old and was left alone in his house to fend for himself for long periods of time, and how he survived it. He says he found approval from within himself and no longer needed to seek it from elsewhere. This is an admirable trait…but, he does seem to feel superior to other people. When we drive through villages, he talks about their small lives. He “hates weak people.” He’s been extremely sweet and caring, gives excellent advice that I’ve put into practice and that has worked…though he seems to follow-up on the advice and want to know how well it worked…that’s normal, isn’t it?
Luna, the best advice I can offer you is to abruptly leave the relationship. Tell him it’s over and you want to move on with your life. Don’t contact him any further and ignore all his continuous contacting attempts. My sociopath ex was very cruel with me because he had the nerve to flip the script on me. He tried to make it seem as he wasn’t involved with me in order to start a relationship with another woman. This guy totally disrespected me through trying to text her while in my company. However, I believe the woman he’s with now is a sociopath like him. She lied about being engaged to another man while still being married. Furthermore, my friends tell me she has wormed her way into being friends with his guy pals as well as the male relatives. All in a matter of six month period. So, I guess he’s found his match but it will be interesting to see who will dismantle the relationship first.
Omg! Creepy! I was dating a divorced guy but while he asks about my former relationship he won’t talk about his marriage/divorce. I kinda understand but something is off.
Ah the seduction of a sociopath – how intoxicating and exhilarating – and how incredibility cruel and malevolent their game is. I saw the predatory stare, the red flags etc, but couldn’t bring myself to believe that this person was anything less than authentic and sincere. Oh how I wish I hadn’t been so ready to believe their crap. How they must have revelled with glee with my, ‘I have waited all my life for someone like you’. I hate that I wasted such precious words on such a cruel fraud. Lessons learned. They truly do come to steal, kill and destroy.
I am going through this now. I am trying very hard not to contact him. I don’t understand why I want too. He is also a crackhead to boot
Wanda, just being a crack head will turn your world upside down. his desire for the drug is stronger than anything else. Always he will have that taste on his tongue, for just ‘another little lick’…… With no contact this is not meant to be a punishment for you. It is the fear of abandonment, rejection, not being wanted, not being good enough…… these are things within you??!! Or at least this is the way that it was with me, within me.
Anew day! I love your writing style, compelling and susinct on a very topsey turvey topic. Thank you for the clarity and hope things worked out for you without this.
I recently broke up from a three year relationship with my man. In the beginning he was very charming, taking me on dates and wanting to see me every day. after a few months the dates stopped and we would mostly just hang out at each others houses every night.
He’s had a stable job in IT for 9 years and even though his experience and qualifications mean he could have a better job in IT which paid triple his current salary, he chooses to stick at what he’s already doing because it’s easy. He has only 3 friends which he’s had since college and rarely sees them. He told me once that he can’t just go and see one of them individually as he never knows what to say, but when they all get together he goes along as the spotlight isn’t on him then. He never had any friends in his childhood and spent all his time alone. He has a sister who doesn’t live with him but desperately wants a relationship with him, but he isn’t interested. He was the same with all his family and didn’t even cry when his grandma died. Also, I find it weird that I had a 3 year relationship with this man yet know nothing about his past. Or very little, anyway. He never told me any stories about things he’d done or places he’d been. He would always say he was boring and didn’t have any stories, yet when I’d spend nights with his sister she would tell me interesting stories about him! ..He’s moved out a couple of times on his own with little success and soon moved back home to live with his mum. Later in our relationship he said he wanted to move in with me, but that never happened.. the more I pushed it the more he pulled away. He rejected ever house I showed him which made me think for some reason he didn’t really want to live with me, it was just something he was saying to keep me happy.
We spent all our time together and he would ALWAYS let me choose where we went or what we did and was happy to go along with anything. He never chose days out.. at first this was great as it meant I was always doing something I liked and he seemed happy, too.. But it started to make me feel like he didn’t really care.. Like he was just ‘killing time’ with me, rather than enjoying the quality of it. He never told me I couldn’t do anything, but he often made me feel like I couldn’t see my friends or do anything on my own by the way he acted if I did. (He was mad at me for 2 days once for giving someone a lift home from work!) …He would only plan something to do once a year on my birthday, and it was usually over the top – like travelling to five star castle hotels etc. It always felt like if I didn’t make conversation, then there wouldn’t be any.. It was always me talking to him.. he would say a few words when I’d finished, that was it. There was always so much silence. He never held a conversation or had a strong opinion or feeling for anything. And when ever I had problems he would listen, I’d cry, (he never comforted me) and never knew what to say.. He would wait for the right moment to change the subject, never offering any advice or support. I always thought he was so laid back, so much so that it came across as though he didn’t care about anything in life (and often that felt like it included me) ..He was never angry or aggressive.. I never saw him cry, or laugh uncontrollably…just… nothing.. It was a strange feeling to be with someone so emotionally vacant, yet someone who also wanted to spend every second with me… I started to complain for over a year about how I wasn’t happy from all of this.. He would listen, not comment and nothing would change. He was always offended at the thought he could possibly be in the wrong instead of want to make things better.. he never thought he was wrong and never apologised. I complained about this with no success or change for over a year..Then last year on my birthday he proposed to me.. “here’s a ring as a symbol of my love for you, and you know.. if you want to, maybe one day we can get married” ..it wasn’t the best proposal in the world, but I’d wanted acceptance and love from him for so long I cried and said yes. But still nothing changed, and after 6 months engagement I finally decided to break up with him. and he wouldn’t let me! He would tell me ‘that isn’t a good enough reason to break up’ and wouldn’t leave my house, even for over a day.. Or would just talk to me like nothing had happened, like we were still together. I started to feel trapped in a relationship where he didn’t listen to my feelings or want to make me happier.. so I started to talk to other men on the internet. Little did I know he had put spy ware on my PC and phone to record/track everything I looked at and even where I went. I had suspicions of this a few times in the past and asked him, he said he hadn’t. But one day I was telling a boy I liked how much I liked him and wanted to meet him.. how unhappy I was in my relationship and he was watching everything I was typing from his desk at work…I went out and when I returned he had been to my house, taken my laptop and ALL the clothes he’d ever bought me and left a note along with his ring saying ‘now you can go and fuck who ever you want to. don’t contact me’ ..I was shocked but also felt so free. I figured out that the only way he could of known was to spy on me, so I knew for sure he had by then… I changed all my passwords/accounts and had my phone wiped and re-installed. As soon as he could no longer access any information on me he showed signs of being very controlling, wanting to know where I was all the time, who I was with/what doing etc.. Would visit my tumblr blogs to see what time it was when I had last posted to determine the time I went to bed.. would demand to see me randomly and expect me to leave what ever I was doing to go and see him… Would get so angry if he called and I didn’t feel like answering his questions about what I was doing. So angry that he would just lose it, swear and hang up on me. ..This was a side to him I’d NEVER seen in the three years I’d been with him..
Since we broke up he’s spent all his time alone (even though he could of seen his friends) ..I think he went to see them twice in over two months. His questions as to where I’ve been etc have become a lot less.. He also lied to me (very convincingly!) about spying on me until he had no other choice to tell me the truth (because I said I would take the laptop to a computer shop and have them prove that he’d installed spy ware) then he finally told me the truth about it all.. he didn’t seem to understand that what he had done was really bad.. He had absolutely no remorse for it whatsoever.. and when I forced an apology out of him for it, I could tell it wasn’t genuine.. just something he was saying to keep me talking to him.
He goes for days without talking to me now.. when I do he says he wants to be with me etc.. But it doesn’t feel like it.
I’m so confused.. IS HE ACTUALLY A SOCIOPATH!? I have no idea.. I know he doesn’t show empathy or really any emotion.. but I also think, maybe he’s just reserved… I don’t know!!
I think about all the good times we had together in the beginning and he was so perfect.. maybe he just messed up… maybe we both did….
My parents and friends/family all thought he was perfect.. which makes this harder to deal with as they all tell me I’ve made a mistake. But none of them see how he was so emotionally neglectful.
I feel so free now I am not with him, but also confused and lost.. Do I give him another chance?!
Kat he doesn’t sound like s socio-path, he just might not be interested enough. Maybe not enough chemistry. It happens. A socio-path will make you feel like the center of the universe until they are in a position of control. He would have taken advantage of moving in with you, even if it was just a stepping stone to his next target. He sounds depressed to me.
No. Don’t. He sounds exactly like my ex who is a covert, introverted narcissist with APD. Not all sociopaths are as good at it or care enough to try as hard as many of those described here. And yes, someone can have APD and also be depressed– I think for some with APD the negative emotions seem to be the only things they can actually feel.
Kat I am extremely concerned that you would consider giving this man another chance given all that you have written here. Do you think you will eve have a happy relationship with someone with no consience or remorse? If I had understood the realities of this in the begginning I would have run for the hills, unless you want pain and drama and enjoy being spyed on manipulated cheated on and literally having your having your brain reconditione like pavlovs dog GET OUT NOW. If you must go back do what he did spy the fuck on him, it may not be something you feel good about doing (as neurotypicals have actual morals) but it will save you a whole world of hurt on the long run. this is not a game it is your sanity you are gambling with. xx
He replied to my online dating ad. I fell hard. I trusted him. His beautiful eyes stared deeply into mine. 6 months later we married. Day after the wedding he was like a different person. Living hell for 2 years. Extreme controlling behavior and I was isolated from loved ones. Finally marriage ended. It has been 4 yrs and I am still battling in court. At least I am free. I do not speak with him. Just lawyers. I had a nervous breakdown from all the betrayal and pain. I lost everything – house, money, job. BUT I DID NOT LOOSE MY SOUL. Almost. BUT now I am stronger. healthier. A survivor. If u are in a crazy making relationship please leave. It will hurt and u will loose a lot. But eventually u will make it. Just do not stay. Please. I found support through an amazing therapist and 12 step program coda.
Oh how they seduce you. Yuck! When I look back at all the crap he came out with, that I thought then wasn’t sincere, I cringe.
I have to question my own sanity as to why I allowed this but when you’re in the honeymoon phase of any relationship, you let things slide and feel flattered that they are saying all that mushy stuff. They make you feel special and as if they’ve never felt like this before and as if all the love they’ve had in the past just doesn’t compare.
A true red flag is flowery language, over the top, exaggerated, flowery language and they never shut up. Love themselves beyond anyone and love the sound of their own voice.
(I wonder if Kat’s experience above sounds more like Asperger’s? I don’t know.)
My spath used to say, “we were meant for each other”. “I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” WHATEVER.
Let’s face it though, words can be incredibly powerful and persuasive and later on, those words can keep you hooked. Even when those words have changed to critical put-downs, covert aggression and manipulation, you remember the love-bombing and try to get back there. It’s a powerful addiction.
So now I’m aware, I’ll take flattery with a pinch of salt and if it seems over the top, then I’ll be on guard and asking myself, “what does this person want from me?”
Flattery is FAKE. It’s meant to touch the narcissist in you and get you hooked. Don’t fall for it x
My situation started 3 years ago when the path I just got dumped by started pursuing me. Told me she had feelings for me, was moving out of state to another job and asked me to go. Then she completely stopped talking to me. A few days later I receive a phone call from her “wife” who I didn’t know existed I spent 2 years mourning her because I felt we had a connection. About 4 months ago, we came in contact again. She had moved back in state, said she had left the wife and had dated around a little but nothing serious. She immediately apologized for what had happened in the past, told me that it was always me and that she never let me go that she had made a mistake staying with her wife. Reeled me back in. Within a month, this woman, who I was head over heels with was asking me to marry her, asking me to move in, stating I was going to be the grandmother to her sons future children, even took me to meet her son. She told me she never takes women to meet him. In the beginning she showered me with the most loving words. I was the love of her life, something bigger than us brought us back together, we were soulmates and she couldn’t imagine her life without me. Our relationship was very sexual. She had a prowess about her and would attack me, couldnt keep her hands off of me. Said she felt an incredible connection when we were intimate. However, she had a group of friends that she would hang out with and never took me around them. When we were intimate it was always on top of her bed, not in between the sheets and she never let me spend the night. She would stare into my eyes and at times it made me nervous. I would ask her what she was looking at and she would say she couldn’t get enough of me. Because of our schedules, we only saw each other on the weekends. We would spend a few hours together on Saturdays, she would make plans to see me on Sunday then something would suddenly come up. She would always question me when I would get quiet and ask me if I was “in my head.” I think she could sense that I was starting to see the red flags because she would always want to know what I was thinking. I finally asked her if she was seeing someone else. She immediately denied it, then started talking about our future together. Even got tears in her eyes stating our story was like the movie the “Notebook.” She told me I was the love of her life, had never felt love before and that she couldn’t live without me. She also had a traumatic, abusive childhood and would always talk about her fears of abandonment. She also has MS and will one day be confined to a wheelchair and bed. She would often tell me she was scared to open up to me about my past because I would abandon her or once the MS took over I would abandon her then too. However I was madly in love with her and felt the overwhelming need to take care of her and help her heart heal from her past trauma. On a Saturday she was at my house telling me that she told her son that I was it, the love of her life and that he was happy for her. she was the victim in all her past relationships. She also told me that she saw a therapist regularly and that her therapist told her she had no business being in a relationship but she told her thereapist that she loved me. On Sunday, I found a facebook page with her an another woman. She swore up and down that though she and this other woman had just dated that it was nothing serious and there was no attraction there on her part. When I started really questioning her about the relationship, she just coldly told me that she could not handle a relationship anymore, that her life was a mess, that things were hot and cold with us and that she was stressed. I actually was hospitalized for depression when my friends found me in the fetal position in my home in the dark. She told me to go on with my life and when I asked her if she ever meant all the things she said she told me that she couldn’t just turn her feelings on and off. Now I see that a week after she broke up with me she is with this woman who she was just friends with. yeah right. This other woman is highly unattractive and old. I’m younger, educated, take care of myself and attractive. She completely stopped talking to me until I finally got a reply from her saying that her life was a mess, she had work she needed to do on herself before she could be good for anyone, that she is just not a good person and she is truly deeply sorry. Just a week before I was the love of her life. Now she is with this other woman, almost like I never happened. I’ve never felt so much pain. I don’t understand why I was rejected again and by an older untattractive old woman. My friends tell me it was because she was intimidated by me and that she would rather be with someone that is easier to manipulate. Don’t know if I will ever recover because I truly loved this woman. I feel that there is something wrong with me for her to pass me up the way she has.
How do i end it without him freaking out? We are in the very early stages exactly as stated above. He is doing all of these except the gifts but he hints at gifts. I see all the flags but he has not done anything wrong yet/ I have already after a couple of dates agreed to be his girl friend and he has been to my house and my work so I can’t just disappear. I recently ended a relationship with a crazy that started out this same way which is why I notice a pattern.
If you directly question their love bombing & ask heavily about their past – but keep on pushing beyond the glib lies they offer – they will tire of you & look for new easier target with less boundaries.
This is true.
Isay, sometimes continued contact is still validating their presence in your life and is most difficult to refrain from when you arrive at the point of finally confronting their lies and fake persona that you’ve allowed to accrue…all of the contradictions and inconsistency of stories that have been amassed over a short amount of time because it’s often too easy to choose the intoxicating “high” they give you over reality. They will find vulnerailities within your stance to reel you back in if you choose confrontation and if you are using text messages to alert them that you are on to their ruse, they remain primarily reactionless, confirm nor deny a thing and still attempt to keep you within their clutches fully understanding that even a demonstation of anger is an emotion with which they still have leverage. No contact is the best policy.
I have the same question as Healing (above). I’m pretty sure I’m involved with a sociopath. Honeymoon – Idealization stage. I just shipped him off to alcohol rehab for several months in a different state – He went bc he had zero other options (burned all bridges). But I imagine he will be back – he says he will. I would feel terrible if this is all imagined on my part but I also don’t want to wait it out until things get bad. Again, he hasn’t done anything wrong (yet) but EVERYTHING fits the description so far … moving fast, over the top language / “feelings,” stories to generate sympathy, some lies (while drinking but not seemingly so during last 1.5 months of sobriety), being the perfect man, mirroring, etc. Not sure what to do!
Hi guys- if you are here looking at this site (Healing and Healing Too) believe me, you are here for a reason and trust your instincts. These men are dangerous and if you are in the situation of saying he hasn’t done anything yet- then great, but run. You are not there to take their charm, deceit, problems which makes them act in this way on your shoulders. It is not a situation you can win, and you won’t be the one to save or change them (Not saying that you think you can- but just to say). I feel that Healing and Healing Too you both deserve a lot better. We don’t deserve to be making such excuses or be putting up with such nonsense- if you feel these guys are lying already, being manipulative by “saying the right things”, dig deep to ask yourself why do YOU want to be with them?? I was in a similar situ, so this is without judgment- but I stayed and the price was my emotional well-being and sanity. This “messed up guy” eroded my confidence and self-esteem and the “fibs” turned into seeing several other women at the same time as me. They have severe attachment issues- they will never treat you as you deserve, they can’t- my advice….run xx
i now very much wish i had not been born the person i am after reading all of your storys and wish to apologise for everything other sociopaths have done to you people i dont know if other sociopaths are the same as me but when i read hard facts like those in the comments above i fell like an absolute monster and am very sorry for what I and others like me have done to people the hardest part is that after a day or two i just slip back into old habits and continue doing what i have always done and then after some time has passed and i read things like this again i feel even worse because i relise that i have read things like this before and just went back to doing the same old things again after i did and i know that i will do the same again after reading these particular ones it makes me sick
My husband (of 15 years) just left me for my sociopath (ex) best friend that I have only known for 10 months.
Can I ask all of you how long was your relationship with the sociopath …. I’m worried she may take him to the altar and be my kids step mom. She’s still married but my husband just filed for divorce. I’m blindsided. I’ve only known about the affair for a month.
She played my best friend until the day I found out. I’ve never heard from her again. I saw texts on my husbands phone from her ….. I can’t wait for you to be my new husband (she’s still married), im the luckiest girl in the world, the I love you’s (stabbed me in the heart), IM so glad you are telling your family it’s good to have it out in the open, I can’t wait to have your sexy arms around me …. Ugh and there were more.
She was the bestest friend I’d ever had. I see how she was a sociopath now. I wanted to be with her all the time. She tried separating my husband and I when we were together …. Our families were always together, she wouldnt take No for an answer, if I was upset with my husband she would charm him subtly. I noticed it sometimes and it annoyed me but she was my best friend so I let it go.
She told my husband a month ago that I am mentally unstable and that I abuse him …. So he believes this now. He is like a different person now. It’s so heartbreaking. We have kids so I have to talk to him. He’s like a puppet …. He’s trying to take the kids from me which he would never do. Ive been a stay at home mom for 15 years. Our relationship was pretty good , we weren’t headed for divorce. But she has penetrated his brain and he believes he needs to do this …. He wants it done fast and again she’s not divorced. Her husband knows about the affair. My husband is friends with him still. My husband makes more money than hers. We had an amazing life. She told me 6 weeks ago that she wanted my life … I didn’t think she really meant it.
my husband was a strong, very successful, put together guy, but now he’s lost his mind. He’s soending all our money furnishing his new apartment and taking her to lunch and dinners. She’s taking him shopping at all her favorite high end stores. $2000 for pots and pans at Williams Sonoma anyone?? Oh and so much more.
Is there any way to make him realize she’s a sociopath?
I don’t want this divorce.
His parents won’t talk to me now because he told them I abused him and they are loyal to their son.
That’s terrible. I’m so sorry. It’s like a total nightmare. I hope he came to his senses. What happened? Love to You.
Great post I am so happy I found it. At least now I know I am not alone dealing with this, cause I feel like i am living in a horror movie…and yes! that STARE…the first thing I noticed and the new victim – just found her on social media – guess what is the first thing she wrote after meeting him? Happiness is in those eyes staring at me….it is just creepy
Oh claire. When i first learned the truth i was so freaked out. I think i read a lot to find information that it wasn’t true.
The stare – I took three photos of my sociopath ex GF second time she came to my house on sunny day, She was in heavy targeting mode & can now see it in the eyes in pics, they are just dark holes scanning prey – like something in a horror film, seriously. How did I miss that?!
Yes!!! The piercing look… it is scary… like someone poised to pounce. Intense too.
I met this guy and he said all the right things, calm voice and i allowed him to move into my life and home and had not been with but one man whom i was married to for 21 years. It was not long until the real man revealed himself. At first he was so sweet then the alcoholism then him fighting with my kids. He lost the job that i had gotten him and made an innapropriate comment to a female employee who reported him. He got wrote up and then he jumped on me with his mouth but he didn’t bank on me jumping back but i did. He ended up with 6 staples and a torn artery in his head after he pushed me three times i warned him. I felt guilty so i took him back and he lost his job and in and out of court we went. I had it dropped. I didn’t take the charges out the state did but i had no fear. I took him back into my new house he could not keep a job, started fights with all of my kids and tried to wedge a block between us . I don’t know why i am still here. I know in my heart he is incapable of love but for some reason i feel guilty. I am tired of carrying him, being his Mom and everything else. This morning he started an argument with me he started this job and i got mad and got out of my car and asked him who he was talking too. He got gone before i turned around. I parked and looked for him because if he wanted to call me a name then i was going to deal with him. I know that was not the right response. I got into my car and left and then on the way home i thought to myself I run my own business and i help the community and i love them. I feel as if he is trying to tear down all that i am trying to build and he wants to lose this job he just started. I don’t know why i feel like i do . I ,myself used to a counselor but i found myself caught up. I told him today that it was for his own good and would serve him no purpose in bringing up anything else to do with my family and i meant it. I am not getting arrested and losing all that i have over him he is not worth it. I feel sorry for all the other women David freeman has damaged and basically robbed. This man has moved everywhere from Florida to Pennsylvania. He charms women then he takes everything they have and he ruins it. How do i get out of this state of mind and the hell out of this relationship?
20 months after he left I’ve heard she’s finally getting divorced from her husband of 25 years. She’s adopted her 5 year old foster daughter and They are living with my husband.
My husband is best friends with her husband still. It’s such a con!
They even went on a trip together 3 months ago …. my husband, psychopath
Mistress, her husband and their child.
We arent divorced yet because my husband is fighting everything …. I don’t recognize him anymore …. haven’t in months. My children don’t either, he’s changed completely especially his values.
Failed restraining orders from him to me, she’s told the police I’m harassing her even though I’ve had no contact, says I’m stalking her child’s school (lie), constant financial abuse, ignores my messages about the kids so I can’t get anything done for them, keeps changing his mind and won’t agree with anything on the children …. again, Making it impossible to get them signed up for camp, activities or make plans.
He was going to do a necessary home repair then changed his mind, said I could have the house in the divorce now he wants to sell it. Its non stop and I’m done reacting … it’s too tiring.
We are trying to rebuild our life. I can’t make sense of what happened, to our children, so I worry about the blueprint that sets for our teens.
He’s completely brainwashed and makes good money so she will likely marry him.
Ugh!
OMG – I dated and feel in love with a woman just like this article said, WOW! She was the devil. She was so great at this and did everything I read. she was the biggest cheater, trisexual, gangbangs, orgies and a lesbian. The greatest Liar I have ever known, thief and was not ashamed of any of the sordid things she did and still does. I would not even say a word the many times she called, come by my place of work at three different jobs. Call’s me 10 years later wanting me to be her friend and come to her house and she if we could be friends and found out she was living with a man. She told me how sorry she was for all the things she did to me and how she had changed her ways plus said no man ever treated her any better than I did including her father. Next time she called I told her she had not changed and how wrong it was for asking me to come to her house while she was living with a man. My doc of 30 years know everything about our relationship and he told me she was trying to get back in my good graces hoping she could get me back and rid her man, I truly believe him. she is pure evil and heartless. She has stalked me a few times since.
I have revisited this site because I literally cannot believe that I’ve been taken in again! Everything written here was a great comfort to me in the past, I thought that I was older and wiser. Now I question what it is about me and my character that attracts the same predatory male.
I had decided to be independent and not seek a relationship, I didn’t, but this man met me at an Antiques Fair where we had a stand. He literally walked into my life and I was hooked in minutes. It seemed as if fate had sent him to me. He was the man I thought that I had always wanted – you know the expression “you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your Prince” – I’d had my fair share of frogs.
I tusted him because (some of this will sound naive)
1. He was a lawyer
2. He was ten years older than me
3. He was incredibly open and “honest”
4. He had graduated from Cambridge University.
5. He introduced me to one of his Exes and grown up children.
6. He immediately opened his house to me and never attempted to conceal any private papers or anything.
We spent four days together before he went on business to the Far East. After a month he bought me a business class ticket to be with him. As soon as I arrived, he changed. He became indifferent and then verbally abusive.
I discovered that he was very keen on porn, he had sent me explicit videos of himself apparently turned on by thoughts of me, but actually watching porn with the sound turned down. I was uncomfortable with the videos, but went along with it because he said it was Love.
I packed and left after 7 weeks of hell in a remote place, being ignored, sidelined, overlooked and verbally attacked.
He was livid that I left, didn’t think I would be able to. He sent emails and messages blaming me, exonerating himself, saying that I was “extremely difficult”. All my friends were outraged. Most had been wary of him from the start.
He told me that he had “dated” 60 women in the last 2 years on the internet. He met many for casual sex. He told me that he didn’t like being “hemmed in” but only realised this when I arrived.
I wish I could name and shame him. I wish I could warn all those women out there whom he will pursue and disappoint at the very least. He’s a predator. He’s mean and controlling, shouted at me for putting too much water in the kettle. He’s an alcoholic too, something I didn’t realise, which is remarkable when I have written at length about alcoholism!
I have studied psychology and counselling, I thought I would never be taken in. These people appeal to the deepest emotional need in us, they are masters of it. They study you, I found pages of notes in the apartment that he had written about me and my life. When he was asking me personal questions on Skype, he was taking notes.
I am able to rationalise and analyse his treatment of me, I know I’ve done nothing wrong, but he’s still managed to make me feel as if I lost my grip on truth and reality. Thank goodness he sent the early Love Bombing messages in writing otherwise I might have thought I’d imagined it, so great was the sudden and illogical turn of his attitude.
Positiva Girl knows about my blog sexwineandlies.com – I thought I had written all I needed to, but now I have started to write again, in the hope that another story will help others, just as all of the posts and comments here have helped me.
We can’t let our armour slip – these awful people see the smallest chink and exploit it.
Yes, seduction and love bombing. He is like an oil slick.
Finding these comments was unreal. I have heard these terms in my life but had never had a personal encounter with a sociopath until recently. I met a man online, spoke to him for two days and the love bombing began immediately by text and phone. I met him in person two days later and he was as handsome and intoxicating as I have ever seen. The sexy penetrating stare and the beautiful eyes, ..just like you all described! The exclamations of us having that immediate connection, wanting the same things, me not having kids (an impediment), the attraction being off the charts, me being everything he wanted and a good person etc..it did not stop for two days after the first date. I mentioned a few times during conversations that I was guarded. (After all, remembering that old adage-if it’s too good to be true..my gut telling me that he does not even know me). He texts me that me saying this 4 different times is a turn off and launches into an explanation by text and phone. Breaks our next date. Like a spigot, boom! Turned off. At that point I still didn’t realize what I was dealing with. I said ok – I accept it. Although the pull was so strong I left it alone – and he began to text and call and it went from he was turned off to he is still so interested. Luckily I had started to read about this disorder to stop me from falling in head first. I see why we get sucked in. They are mesmerizing and hard to resist. Resist I did because I understand from reading that my guard was a detriment to his goals. When he saw I didn’t come running to his ‘change’ of heart he most likely went on to another victim. Thank you all for posting and we are never to old to encounter such people or fall victim to them! Education and strength are our best friends.
Thank you for taking your time to comment Monique. It is strange how they are all the same.
Yes it is bizarre! We question ourselves as to whether we are letting a good thing go – because we want their love bombings words to be true.
Oh my word this site is really helping me out things into perspective. I was with my ex for 16 months and all this sounds exactly like her, I had been warned by her ex but by that time it was too late I was hooked!
She treated me amazing, gifts, so attentive and made me believe we were soul mates. Very intense with messages, wanting to know where I was and almost controlling what clothes I wore etc.Everything was great until she went away to work for 5 weeks and totally changed, she started saying she was confused and didn’t know what she wanted etc. When she returned she moved out and I have since found out she had been cheating when away. This can a s huge shock as apparently we both wanted the same things for the future. It hurts that I brought her into my sons life and she discarded him without a second thought.
I have found out she has done this to at least 7 people over 8 years. As it happened very recent I am left feeling jealous she has moved onto someone else so quickly and happy with this new person. Off course I am asking myself what does she have that I don’t but this site is helping.
Welcome to the site!!
Thanks!
When does this get easier?? I am finding myself really struggling and can’t stop thinking about her and that she will be be having such a more fun time without me!? I’m also really struggling to sleep and find that instead of this getting any easier it seems like it’s getting worse!
Any advice at all from anyone is greatly appreciated!??
Much love
It didn’t last that long. I am not sure why it ended, perhaps he achieved his goal of having made me fall in love and decided to move on he was bored, perhaps he realized my personality was too strong and I would not be an easy victim, perhaps he was afraid I would find out..I started paying attention to some of his oddities, but to be honest I think I was just not the right victim why I do not know, so he moved on before he used me. Of which I can be very thankful. All I know is the last time I saw him he called me his family, introduced me to his dad and two of three kids, walked me to my car gave me kiss told me he would see me in two days…then never saw him again.
Sociopaths cause destruction to your life. You will know if you have met one as not only would your heart be broken your entire life/world/finances/friends/family/career would be broken too.
Yes and had it lasted longer that would have been the case. I am lucky it did not. I am lucky that this person did not see in me what he needed and desired in a long term victim.
Normally they don’t get involved at all unless you have what they want. Usually they respond to something you are searching for and be that person. Then they cause destruction.
My two months with a sociopath
I spent the happiest two months of my life with a man I thought was my soulmate. I have never been so happy, I was floating. My friends would look at me and tell me I was glowing. I would respond..I didn’t know men like this existed..and then after pursuing me for two months it ended through a text message, some lame excuse, he wouldn’t see me or talk to me. This man that loved me, cared for me, idolized me just vanished with no empathy at all for my well being. It made no sense so I did research on the internet, I thought he was going through depression or perhaps bipolar..then I read about sociopaths and I said OMG I could have written this! All the red flags I had during the first month came rushing back to me. After the first month of dating the red flags disappeared because I was completely falling for this man. Here are the red flags I hope this helps you understand what you might me dealing with…
First his communication style was always the same. I received the same texts everyday with little variation..good night sweetheart..good morning sweetheart how did you sleep…hugs…I am thinking of you…he rarely had a conversation with me on text or phone..just the same regurgitated lines. I would always joke with a friend of mine that he was like a robot.
Two, when we were together in person I felt so connected to him he was super affectionate with me, his words were amazing, his actions were amazing, but the emotion in which he said it was off. Once I even asked him, Omar do you really like me because it feels like you are talking out of a text book, ie he felt insincere when he spoke.
Once after being intimate he said to me in a monotone voice. “That was really nice”. I laughed at him and said are you kidding that was f…amazing…he responded in his monotone voice trying to mimick my emotion…that was f*** amazing. It was so odd he would continue to use that phrase during the n Dr two months but the emotion behind the words was always off.
Third he had a super even keeled temperament…until he didn’t. I could never understand why someone who treated me so amazing with so much respect never showed emotion someone I looked up to for his maturity in handling his emotions, would all of a sudden get so angry and derogatory towards women in his past…it seemed very out of character
Four he would say things that seemed unbelievable like he was from Tunisia (true) but after going to college and working he joined the air force and became a fighter pilot and flew f16’s. It just felt like a lie..everything was so perfect in his world
Five he would mimic my behavior…at a restaurant we sat at a booth and I sat next to him to be close. So next time we were at a restaurant he did the same, however in this case we were on a patio at a very tiny two top and it was so awkward to have him bring his chair right next to me at this yiny two top table. But he didn’t understand the difference between the booth and the table he was just mimicking what he thought I wanted
Six he wanted to do everything I did. If I asked if he likes to dance his answer would be I don’t dance but I am happy to do it with you. I don’t garden but I am happy to do it with you. Everything was about me and what I wanted. He never had an opinion
Seven he immediately told me he had no friends and told me a story as to why, his friends all took sides with his wife when he got divorced and thus was left with no friends. This was so he didn’t have to worry about me being suspicious that he didn’t have friends..sociopaths don’t have friends!!…he premeditated his alibi
Eight although he was seemingly the most intelligent man I ever met, and at the time I thought the most responsible man, when I looked at his LinkedIn account he was moving jobs every 1-2 years. One he is 44 and two he is an IT engineer, not someone who would be moving jobs that often given his profile.
Nine..when he made love to me he stared right into my eyes..crazy with passion. I have never experienced anything like this. I thought he was really into me..but this is their trademark
Ten..he spent two months making me the queen of his life, calling himself my boyfriend in the first week, taking care of my house, being attentive and treating me with amazing respect, I thought basis our connection that we would be together forever, it was an amazing whirlwind romance with my soulmate..then he dropped me on a text..this man who seemed so caring all of a sudden had zero empathy or zero use for me.
It was devastating to go from being with what you believed to be your dream come true,,someone who fulfilled every desire and emotion you have for someone and to feel that amazing love returned to you, then to be dropped like you were absolutely nothing to that person. However after I realized he was a text book high functioning sociopath I was able to heal. I realized I just had bad luck and I was with an evil robot, nothing to mourn over. In the end I suffered for two months after the breakup, this man has to live his entire life as a sociopath, a reject from society, a vampire who preys on humankind but is never able to quench his thirst.
What did he do to you or take from you? Other than ending the relationship with you and not having empathy?
Wow! Great place to share our collective experiences which can greatly allow for the healing process to begin if we’ve recently cut ties with these toxic people and are still hurting.
How I fell into the trap, I still am trying to assess the damage though am beyond greatful for realizing this before he took me for everyting. After having rolled through an assortment of explanations and emotions am mostly angry with myself for throwing caution to the wind and allowing myself to get hooked when leery from the start.
Attraction is a dangerous thing and no one is immune to it’s effect irregardless of age, religion, culture. First meeting him with the way the sunset sparkled in his caramel eyes…the perfect weather on a sailboat (which unbeknownst to me is a hallmark of a mans world where sociopaths/philanderes are abundant aka politicians, businessmen, lawyers and so on where dog eats other dog behind a charming smile and insincere hand shake), the wine, the wink and the dimple…swoon
..though listening to his pompus, arrogant and over- inflated ego…name dropping bigtime blokes as if I had any idea of who he was talking about nor did I care. Felt much like the Finess Shampoo commercial where this gorgeous man is whispering in her ear in a foreign language and she smiles and says, “I don’t know what you’re saying but keep talking.’ While he didnt appear nervous, I had been on enough dates to recognize men attempting to plume out their feathers in some sort of extravagant attempt to win you over which had never worked in the past especially when you are looking for more of a connection…this is where the lines blur because it is very easy to mistake attraction for connection especially if the attraction is reciprocated despite the warning bells. First warning and lesson learned…if on a dating site where within a fraction of an instant you can decide if you are initally attracted, analyze the profile. Being new to the online dating world or dating in general, I wasn’t aware that there are warning signs unless blatant. “Quality over quantity” and all of the reasons why people fail to take the chance was his motto and he even included a picture of his son with a Halloween mask on which was what caught my attention being that I couldn’t believe how many men were posting pictures of themselves with their children…such a very private and personal attrubute of someones life out on display…he demonstrated that his son was important without overexposure. However, “quantity” was proof and caught my eye…just did not heed accordingly which would come back to bite me in the end.
Things progressed very rapidly after that in ways that had me questioning my own character…within 3 dates becoming intimate but the attraction and desire was overwhelming. That would end up being our only anchor through all of the turbulence because while I met him in my area, he also worked 3 hrs away…would later find out that he never actually had residence in my area as claimed…never saw his apartment after 6 months, questioned but reasons were always plausible though still didn’t sit right inside my soul. And the convience of our ability to spend time together adapting to my custody schedule doesn’t make sense in retrospect. My ex husband and I split custody equally and he was always able to spend the entire week with me that my children were with their dad. When they were with me, he was back to the other town but this never fully made sense to me being that he had much leisure time here and there. Ironically, the industry he was in was exactly my ex husbands which is something I had 15 yrs experience and is not a large industry at all…something my ex husband even questioned because the likelyhood of meeting your small business competitor was slim to none. Very strange experience which wasn’t intentional, of course, but in some ways felt like fate…or at least something ironic.
Anyhow, many mistakes I regret and having arrived at a vulnerable time in my life where I was ready to live again, this exceptionally handsome, charming man arrived ready to take all of these adeventures I was afraid to take alone and so we loaded up my Jeep and set out to camp up under the stars. Amazing experience a couple months into the whirlwind honeymoon period…pure bliss…until I realized that all of the ways I was smitten…every other woman would be as well…how that thought never occured to me, I still curse myself. He had the owner of the campground all lit up literally leaning into the drivers side of my Jeep while he was behind the wheel and I actually was amused…she was just as smitten within less than 5 min of him going on about who knows what…probably someone he knew who knew someone else…always making himself relative and relavent with that sparkle in his eye (mirroring?) This is when he dropped the “us” bomb telling her that we were going to have to bring “our” kids back…all 4 of them…heart stopped but dead cold…nothing about the whole scene was normal. The next day we were getting coffee in the store and there he was again, chatting her up and I could see her eyes glaze over completely smitten but then she said something like she didn’t realize it was us when we walked in because my hair was down and I heard him say isn’t she so beautiful…I ignored the entire scene busying myself making coffee feeling distorted. GPS in my phone wouldn’t navigate us out so we used his and immediately knew by his reaction that he was very uncomfortable…Mr Smooth Talker wasn’t so good at disguising nervouness at that moment and it was unsettling…yet like an idiot, I let it slide.
We did the week to week long distance dance for a while…him texting and talking to me all day…dissapearing at night with “good morning sunshine” as if he hadn’t fallen off the face of the earth every night after 8 pm….always some excuse but I rationalized this as him having to catch up on work since the time he spent with me wasn’t productive…only once did I see him dressed in appropriate attire with a stack of paperwork during the 6 months we were together. Very puzzling but the way these people work and their ability to offload responsibility is smooth sailing which is what he was always doing when he was away as well…he had flags in every yacht club blah, blah, blah but when did he ever actually work? Very confusing. He was being irresponsible and slowly being snuffed out which was fine in his eyes…he had me hooked and knew that he could easily transfer to yet another unsuspecting woman which when I first met him, accused him of being married…when denied, I said fine…then you essentially use women and his exact words were…it’s not rocket science. Please…please tell me why on earth a rational, responsible woman would still accept his calls thereafter??? I would like to believe I am rational and responsible though was completely the opposite which perfectly mirrored the opposition in all of his grandiose stories…he would say one far fledged thing to the exact opposite of the other but I ignored it…the intelligent side of me knowing better even while I became a retarded love fool…even to this day…what flaw in me allows this and how is it evident? I’ve tried to rationalize it to myself numerous times and often wonder if I also suffer some sort of disorder where challenges keep life from becoming redundant and so you must always seek suffering to birth experience??
Not sure…but after he had already told me he loved me…wanted to marry me and all of that hog wash I saw right through, he had taken me to his families land and as we’re traversing some sort of sacred ground as if it were ancient royal ruins aka his childhood playground…hes telling me he had never taken a woman there and blah, blah, blah…attempting to make the experience feel special and genuine as if I were seeing a part of his history that his facade wouldn’t allow break through before…and must say…again…the sunset in his eyes…the fields and passionate love making (which his experience level of knowing exactly how to pleasure a woman under the claims of inexperience being that he is simply responding to my response) I was trying to find the flashlight on his phone and found a lightbulb moment instead…a lightbulb within a dim mind…another woman with a lengthy text with picture and age to boot and just like any rational, responsible woman…weeks later moved him in 😥 tell me…who in their right mind does such a thing??? Who??? Of course I reacted to his reaction of silence and look of horror plastered to his face as we drove back home in silence…again…Mr Smooth Talker couldn’t hide it…hostility, anger, rage…screaming matches…crushed…ashamed…asked to see the text which he immediately erased at the back of the truck because I let him….then his excuse…he erases every text that isnt relative to businesses (now understanding as signature cheater moves) or whatever other excuse he gave which were many…and…breathe…I let it slide though it changed me completely…could not trust from then on out…so please tell me how one moment of weakness after I swore I was done, allowed myself to feel him tremble in my arms and take this as a signal he was sorry….that he truly loved me…that he was overcome with emotion and regret?? Because he knew what he was doing…he was losing his job (did he ever even have a job or was another woman taking care of him??) and needed me to support him and so he began living in my house for free…grifting…exactly what I accused him of doing in Dallas which close friends seemed to really understand as being the truth being aware of the situation as it evolved over time. Multiple stories surrounding this woman…he isn’t all that great at being consistent in the least. Not so clever and thank god!!! 6 months could have turned into 6 years and a divorce draining all of my resources!!!
I became hostile and withdrawn…natural response to the man living in your house for free job searching and hoodwinking a startup to put VP on a business card without ever producing a thing and watching as he grew lazy and content fully understanding the extent of his ability to swindle and con his way into everything…
He still kept his phone hidden… this time in the Jeep he bought (mirroring) claiming electonics should be turned off and put away at a certain time for “family” time…and I’m not even going to include what hurts the most…the worse burn…he met my children…enough said about that. I am beyond any amount of stupidity at this point. But it was when in the car and my phone died and needed to navigate through his phone that he freaked. Full circle though this time, instead of nervousness, he was irate screaming at me…my children in the backseat. I met his son too who also saw him in all of his hostile glory…and who also talked about another one of dads “friends” took him bowling and I will never forget hugging that kid before he left knowing that I would be another story of another one of dads “friends” he told to the next woman while my kids had not ever met any man in my life other than their father. Jesus
I ended up paying for a small vacation (nothing big in the least) but him telling me he was broke as the car was loaded with everything we needed as well as kids and the “we dont have to go” offer just added to the secrecy, the woman (and who knows how many others), the leeching/grifting behavior so when my birthday rolled around and my friends wanted to go to dinner as we have done for years he made a big deal that he wasnt invited…at this point I was through…we celebrate New Years with resolutions we never keep but a new year with experiences gained and the transformation possible was symbolic in ways which is never peaceful…vengance got the best of me and so planned to stoop to his level and find a reason to hide my phone and freak out if he ever even glanced at it…secrets and the way they are vehemently protected…which began as a search to merely find his dating profile…buckled within the first 24 hrs after the bombardment of mesaages throwing it in his face…taste of his own medicine though couldn’t spit the taste out of my own mouth…a defiling disgrace to my own self for stooping to his level when he had zero conscience doing the same over the entire psuedo relationship…probably setting something up for when it goes bust because he also isn’t stupid and knew it eventually would…possibly having the same set up in other towns. I couldn’t even bring myself to be deceptive because I love him and very well know he wouldn’t feel the pain I intended to inflict like a child. He is probably with another woman as we speak…was probably with other women while I was at work and will not allow myself to even consider another woman inside my home…a home that I rebuilt alone after the flood barely a year ago. Feeling sick and completely drained…beyond any amount of heartbreak possible…
I will never know for certain anything and all of the disclosure and confession of knowing his “game” and berating him for it only gave him an advantage knowing I still care and he sucked me right back in a couple times…this time, no…and I realize that no amount of calling him out will he ever confess. He will cling to his lies forever though was forthcoming to some extent after too many glasses of wine. His “we are building a life together” scheme played on my sentiments…he quit his job to be with me full time….he “chose” me out of the quantitiy of women mesmorized by that unblinking, deep stare…and I wouldn’t know the first thing about supporting someone through hard times…Im a runner…I have no staying power…keeping me in place being played a fool. Cannot even begin to express the sorrow and the levels of emotion associated with this mess. There are so many more details I could continue on (when we first met he had a New Mexico license plate on a truck that quickly was replaced by another and had mentioned vacationing in New Mexico though in retrospect cannot figure it out and never asked) but can only say how grateful I am this did not lapse into years. Though the wool was pulled tight, there was still quite a bit of light seeping through. Lesson learned the hard way and will be more privy in the future…less likely to trust…guilty until proven innocent from now on unfortunately with a portion of what makes people human dying inside. Anyhow, I definitely appreciate the information contained in these articles as well as individual experiences. Knowing we’re not alone and sharing experiences tends to validate truth when the blinders are on (he even did this thing where he would put his hands on both sides of our faces shielding out the light…blinders essentially and I loved when he did it…felt like it was just us blocking out all the commotion of the world)…blinders to the truth in reality, a gesture he was wielding to keep me tightly secured to him. Greatly effected by this and will take much time getting over.
Thank you for sharing your story.
This describes my ex fiancé almost exactly. He left me for a lady who has just thrown him out of the house she bought for them! (I also purchased a house for us to live in). Afterwards I spoke on the phone with her for nearly two hours and the extent of his deception and the lies he told her about me became clear. I, in turn, told her about my relationship with him which was a mirror image of hers. I think she was deeply shocked and at one stage she wept bitterly. Like me she was totally under his spell and said the breakup was like nothing she had ever experienced before! My breakup nearly destroyed me and it cost me my career, luckily I hung on to my money and could afford to stop working.
There’s a lot more to tell including his appalling treatment of his wife, (including his two fiancés whilst still married), but it’s so dreadful I would be in danger of being accused of making it up!
It’s taken me three years to find out the truth but I now see what a disordered and dangerous person I was involved with and I’m truly grateful to have come out the other side more or less ok. Chin up all fellow survivors, upwards and onwards!
I was with this exact person for 6 months. I am blown away when reading this site because I didn’t know I could be taken advantage of in this way by a seemingly normal human being. You really do feel stupid but reading about how these people works validates your responses to their “ways”. My question is; I have been doing great for the past several months, even not responding to his sporadic emails or invites to have dinner yet I have my breaking point when he shows up to places he knows I might be. Sometime I just snap and send a text asking, what on earth are you doing?!” Which is contact, which of course is all he wants. Even more upsetting is that sometimes I do miss this person and have to remind myself how vile and disturbed he is. Me reaching out (even in an assertive, angry way.) still ends in his being manipulative, “sweet”, and seemingly normal; asking to take me out to lunch. That is the person I first found appealing though I know that is not the real him. What is the best way to keep your cool when you can’t handle this person intentionally inserting themselves into your life to push your buttons? Sadly, it’s working. My buttons are pushed. Thank you!
You have to fake it until you make it. They always need some form of supply from anyone. If he doesn’t get any from you he will be forced to get it elsewhere. That will keep him occupied and he will eventually move on. The trick is to show no interest. Display no reaction at all. I know that this is easier said than done.
“the stare”. Man oh man… I wish I had read this before this last guy I dated. It was actually “the stare” that lured me in and made me feel like he was completely into me. I guess because it made me feel so wanted, I was flattered. Didn’t take long (about two months) until I began to see that if I was filling all of his needs and requirements, which were constantly increasing and changing, he would shift from such a charming and caring man to someone who retaliated. Suddenly all of the flattery and compliments of how I was the perfect person would shift to him listing all of my flaws. He was also very good at trying to make me seem as damaged as he was (he had childhood abuse things). It’s over now. Took me about two months to become fully aware that his behavior was just crazy, and it made me crazy during that time, too. I was on the fence about whether or not he was a sociopath, but yup, reading about “the stare” has sealed it for me!