When NO Contact is proving impossible! – How to get even!
Note: The following is not advisable if you have children with the sociopath, or if the sociopath is violent. Never place yourself at risk.
Most sites advise that the best way to get revenge on a sociopath is to have no further contact with them.
For some people, establishing no contact does not work. Maybe you have to have contact. Or, the stalking/harassment/smear campaigns and threats have become so serious, that you are desperate for it to stop, and to avoid further damage to your life.
A sociopath is determined, and for some people no contact is impossible to achieve, and simply causes further distress, and further damage to your life. A sociopath hates to lose control more than anything. You asserting No Contact, whilst in the long term is really the best and most healthy way to move on, you might find that keeping to no contact, simply escalates things further.
My experience, when trying to establish no contact was this
- Attempts to contact with me increased
- Would show up at my home
- Would threaten to speak to my work
- Malicious emails to people close to me, or important to me, to discredit me
- Threats to report me to x y z
- Bombardment to install fear
I went through this many times over. And it was draining, and at the time frightening. I would know that whenever I started No Contact, the calls and texts would escalate. As that was happening, I would know that he would show up at my house.
I grew used to this pattern, and would call police prior to his arrival. Despite this, he would still be outside of my house, yelling through the letter box, standing in my back garden yelling in the garden.
I had complaints from my neighbours, and lived in constant fear of what he would do next. How did I cope with this?
Ultimately, he might have gone away. But damage to my life was continuing. So, I had to think of another way.
I realised that his motive was ‘control’ and his fear was
- Losing control
- Exposure
I therefore had to change my own tact to deal with him. Remember that the sociopath only manages to control you through
- Establishing fear
- Knowledge that he has gained about you in assessment
- Preying on any weaknesses that you may have
So, to be successful, and to be such a pain to them, that they either move on, or behave themselves towards you, you need to reverse these things.
- Show that you are not scared of them – there is no fear – there is no control
- Feed him false knowledge
- Additionally feed false knowledge about weaknesses
When a sociopath loses knowledge, he loses control. You win.
To get even with a sociopath, you need to treat him EXACTLY the same way that he treats you. I promise you that he won’t particularly like it. I also understand that for someone who has been emotionally, mentally, damaged and scarred by a sociopath, this might not be such a good idea. You do need to be strong. It is also not advisable for those involved with someone who is violent. But it works! I want you to remember that you have SURVIVED this, and you can make the aftermath both better and more tailored to your liking.
And so you do the following:
- Give false information. Don’t tell him the truth. Make up where you have been, and where you are going (if he doesn’t know what you are doing, he cannot control you)
- Tell out and out lies
- Derail him, by saying one thing, and then changing and saying something else.
- Whatever you say to him, make sure it is not the truth, and constantly change your mind
- BE NICE
- BE CHARMING
- Say words that he wants to hear
- If he threatens you (to call work, email people) do the same back
- Lure him into a false sense of security
- Be CALM
- SMILE
- The most important thing is MIRROR him, whatever he does, you do (but keep it within the law), let him know you are recording phone conversations…..
- Be prepared to lose ‘friends’ who are not really friends. A real friend wouldn’t leave your side no matter what happens or what is said.
- Lose your FEAR — he is controlling you through FEAR….. so (even if you are still scared) show you are no longer scared or intimidated by him – this is really important. Fake it if you have to. DO NOT SHOW FEAR EVER
I know that for most people, it can be difficult to act fake, as we are programmed as human beings to be kind, caring, to care about others welfare.
But remember that this is exactly what the sociopath has done to you. What you have to do is take away – remove his control over you.
He can only control what he knows.
- Mirror him
- Tell him what he wants to hear – then do the opposite (in actions)
- Lie to him
- Derail him by feeding false information
- Be as ridiculous as you like – go to town!!
When you are doing it, it will be an enlightening (and therefore healing) process to do. You take back YOUR control over YOU. And you remove his control OVER YOU.
It is important that he is not aware what you are doing. Always try to be one step ahead of the game. Play the game, if this is what he wants to do.
I can guarantee that it will work. You won’t, and can’t change him. But you CAN change YOU.
YOU can empower YOU.
You can take control of YOUR life. To do this, you need to stop telling him the truth. A sociopath can only control you, ruin you, if you allow him to.
The outcome should be that he will find you way too much hard work. He also will not suspect what you are doing either. As he relies on the fact that you are honest, so be dishonest (with him). Play him at his own game, and he will soon get tired. He will realise that you are about to damage him.
You will smile as he threatens to tell people, things that have absolutely no bearing on truth. And as it is different to the reality he can do no further damage.
It won’t take back what he has done to you, but it will help you to get even and to teach him that you are not a weak person. Additionally, you will see, by doing this to him, how little respect he had for you, and how he never at any time felt for your needs, or your welfare, it was all about him, and what he could gain from you.
Take back your power. Sometimes No Contact (especially in initial stages) does not work. Simply as he won’t give up and will make your life hell. You have been through enough. Why should you go through more, why should more damage be done to your life?
Start making the changes NOW 🙂
UPDATE: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yY-jVezPZfs
Dating a Sociopath 
I’m not sure which approach to take (no contact or fake contact) with my soc who I broke up with on NYE after having a nice discussion with the previous victim much of that day. We compared notes and found we were both tangled in his web of lies. Soc and I are due to go on a cruise in 2 weeks, and I know i cannot under any circumstances spend this kind of time with him. I believe that if it weren’t for the fact that the vacation is a big carrot in our future he would not really care that I caught him in all kinds of lies, and very easily move onto the next. It’s not forever, but still two weeks before I can make my stance clear (either by not showing up or by cancelling in advance the tickets – too late for a refund) he will continue to try to ‘hang in there.’ Any suggestions?
This is a tricky one. Thing is when away on a cruise you would be ‘stuck’ with him and his controlling behaviour unable to escape (on a boat)…. the thing is he is going to flip if you just bail on the holiday. You could do some reverse psychology and do what they do, pick a fight with him to give you the excuse not to go. (this is what the sociopath does). Welcome to the site.
How do I join
I appreciate this. No Contact is not an option for me. Do I need to PLAY the game. Can I just STOP playing the game by only responding with silence or blank stares? If I don’t respond, he has nothing to use.
Hi Carrie yes absolurely. It is important not to play the game and to not display emotion. Welcome to the site 🙂
I am in the middle of divorce with my sociopath husband. I caught him off guard while picking up his girlfriend from the airport. But i already made plan with this girl before that i had called the girl and asked her if she was dating my husband. As it turned out she said yes but she had no idea he is married. So as both of us were aware we were being played, we become close and plan to knock him down.
Before that night i already had this wife instinct that my husband were cheating on me however he always denied and said i have no proof and he was being loyal.
That nite i confronted him and i can see his eyes was shocked i was there. His answer was nonchalantly said both of us was long divorced and hoping this girl will believe him. What he didnt know the girl and i already had long talk over the phone verifying all his lies lol. He was so determine to get the girl to come to his car to poison her mind to not listen to me. The girl didnt get into car with him.
To cut story short, few days later i file divorce and my cousin call him to inform about it so he can cooperate and attend the court date. His reply was no problem he would be there. I was in no contact with him. After i got the fixed date and my cousin inform him about the date, he asked to be postponed to later date. Few days later it turn out he went to other country to win the girl (the girl was from other country). The girl told me he was there but girl has made up her mind to not gonna accept him. I will skip all the turmoil details in between this but after few days he stay there and see how the girl wont budge to his pleading he become change tactic and threatening her. My husband told all kinda lies to her n said has divorced me officially when the girl know he hadnt so he have no chance winning her. All these time i maintain whatsapp with this girl and we talk in details and exchange advise on his every action. It was kinda a release to laugh of his action as both of us now know that he s a sociopath.
Few days later my husbandc contacted my cousin said he will be coming to attend court and settle my divorced. He in fact without shame badmouth me and try turn table as if it s my fault our marriage didnt work. So i am waiting now if he will turn up to make our divorce official . He lose both of us. He thought he let me go as he already got his next victim lol. I destroyed it for him n now he is angry at me and angry at the girl knowing we both in contact to see him lose. He start already ruining her and me but we already see this coming.
He knows my claim for the divorce is to ger him settle all his business loan under my name and he already laugh it off. During my marriage to him he supported me pampered me spoiled me and make me the lady of the house as he have stable budiness with good income. However since 1 year ago his business was failing making him in debt n i the one took up loan under my name. I know he would pay up the loan in full if i am still married to him but now that we will divorced i will be my problem. I really hope he will come to court to make it easy but as he doesnt function normally i dont know yet… the date is suppose to be next week… wish me luck!
Hi welcome to the site, and good luck with your date next week!! Hopefully a normal one this time!! 🙂
I’m going through a divorce as well and I’m finding this particular article very helpful in helping him expose himself. He’s going one way and I’m going the other way having him think one thing when the prime directive is to expose him. He gets so focused on hating me and thinking I’m jealous of him that he spends more time TRYING to triangulate me into an argument with him and his new MN gf(which I’m ignoring both of them) he can’t stand the fact he’s not getting any attention from me that he narc rages. All the while he’s not paying any attention to what he should be paying attention to, and because of that, that’s his down fall. So while he’s focusing on that, and I have him thinking I give a damn( his paranoia is working overtime)my emotions are in check and his downfall because of his own ignorance is coming. Trust me, this is gonna be epic because he won’t see it coming. Talk about a blind side.
P.s. I’ve had him blocked for years even when we were married and together I’ve had him blocked. His paranoia comes from pure speculation because I’m not responding to any of the things I do see and hear,(from his own source not mine) so he’s doing it to get a rise outta me that’s just not happening.
And also to add another comment, I call it working the game in reverse. I find it works especially when dealing with narcs because they are so predictable once you understand how they operate. And also like PG says, I wouldn’t recommend this to any one in a potentially violent r/s or abuser.
I had to read this one again today, whenever there’s a challenge in my life regarding my ex bf I can usually find some reinforcement already written so clearly on this blog.
Despite the cease and desist order and maintaining strict no contact for 5 months now, the fact is that he and I know people in the same social circle, some of whom are my closest and most trustworthy friends and support system. And then, of course, there’s the fact that he moved right into my neighbourhood 18 months ago, making it impossible not to “run into him” now and again. That’s where I hope these techniques will be successful.
I guess the primary strategy I’ve been using if I see him is deciding to not acknowledge his existence, just don’t react (or let him see my react), be pleasant, smile, be nice to everyone around, don’t get hooked into a fight with him or even try to defend myself. A version of no contact. This is a pretty exhausting thing to do when it feels like he’s right in my face though and the truth is I’m using a lot of energy to pretend like he doesn’t bother me.
But #14 on this list hits home the hardest, I really am terrified of him, which I didn’t even fully realize or accept until the last time I saw him in a store and my reaction was sheer terror. I thought to myself how stupid and silly this was to react this way, he wasn’t chasing me with a knife, he was shopping for dinner rolls for Pete’s sake! I knew before that I was afraid of getting used and hurt again (emotionally), but this time the overwhelming physiological response was impossible to ignore. Terror.
So, today I am going to go try a new type of therapy that my psychotherapist recommended to me that is suppose to help regulate my fear response. Apparently it is used quite a bit with people who’ve been through a trauma….I’m still trying to wrap my head around the idea that this could be me. I’m not even sure I want to stop being “on guard” because isn’t that when they are sooo good at sensing and weaselling their way back in?? However, I just want to get the point where I can relax and feel safe again. I want to be able to go for a walk by myself (I stopped walking in my neighbourhood alone about a year ago) or to go shopping for groceries without being in fear, I want to go out with my friends and not worry who shows up, I want to be able to sleep soundly at night without waking up in knots and with yet another migraine. More than anything that’s what I am looking for now.
You could have ptsd blue If seeing him triggers old fear responses.
It seems that way sometimes PG, I’ve been really slow to accept it though.
Have you tried this online test Blue? http://www.healthyplace.com/psychological-tests/ptsd-test/
I so identify with the sheer terror thing…….after almost no contact for a year….I emailed him to try to get him to accept the divorce papers filed over 6 months ago….since he knows he will have to give me alimony he just ignores any attempt to be served. When I left him in the middle of the night…there was 5 years of unopened mail stacked in the garage from bills..people suing us etc….so why would I think he would be reasonable in this? I have an appointment with my senior empowerment counselor but cannot stop crying so will try to talk to her on the phone…….why am I so shocked and upset that HE didn’t respond to my request to talk to him on the phone about the divorce? I feel so stupid and crazy that he has done this when I even saw it in his last divorce….this is his 4th-or 5th divorce……what is kinda amazing is how he is too AFRAID to talk to me just like his last divorce. I just want to go back to bed and cry all day…I haven’t hardly cried at all over this as I was so physically sick when I finally got away from him. Thanks for listening and sharing and for this site…..I feel like I am hanging by my fingertips on the edge of insanity from all the crazy things I now realize he has done. Am going to check into the PTSD thing today,
Johnny, I’m so sorry that you have to reopen this wound in order to get what you deserve here. I completely understand feeling stupid and that you should have known, of course…OF COURSE that’s what he’s like because we saw them being like that to their exes before us. For so many reasons we were blinded to reality and this doesn’t make you stupid at all, you are so clearly a very intelligent person, you were taken in by an awful sick person, and after that many divorces he’s a real pro, whereas this is your first time, and we never expect that someone could really be this awful. I realize it hurts so much that you can barely function but you will come out the other side and pull out of this again. I strongly believe that these people pick their victims because we are strong and because we have so much to offer (for them to take). But this is exactly why you will get yourself through this and be so much happier than he can ever imagine.
I believe this has been posted by positivagirl before, and touched on by others as well in other words and messages. However I’m finally FINALLY catching on to the idea that you need to figure out exactly how they are controlling you, and then kill it! For me, even with complete non contact, he was/is still controlling me because of my fear of him. So, if I conquer the fear, I’ll get control back, and if I get control back, he loses!
I hadn’t tried that one, the symptoms fit to a T but there was no singular event, which is why I didn’t consider the possibility of ptsd until recently. I have always thought of ptsd as just for people who have been through very clear traumatic events like war and physical and sexual abuse, etc. Perhaps it is not ptsd exactly but something with similar outcomes due to long term exposure to mental abuse. Like a repetitive stress injury, eventually the body just can’t take any more and you end up just as injured as the worker who fell off a ladder.
great description Blue never heard this expressed so clearly…
hi, im a guy here, trying to dodge a sociopathic woman who is a narcotics addict, who drinks nowadays after lifelong addiction to heroin and quite sociopathic. I’ve been trying to do no contact but while she lives out of state she is from here and quite capable of showing up and HAS shown up twice already, (the 2nd time i ducked and hid). Blocking her number leaves me vulnerable to not knowing if shes in town or out.
She’s stirred the pot by involving my guy friends, (we all 50+) from our neighborhood home town.
As im in my 3rd attempt of no contact but fearful of her showing up, im thinking that i like this page about “lying to the sociopath” if nothing else works.
Im thinking about throwing out a dodge response to her last incoming communication like “sorry im slow to respond im driving cross country on business for a project, i’ll call you when i have time”…etc…
I feel like i just want “30 days” of peace then i’ll be stronger to take a stance if she shows up late summer, but the way things are going every time i go off radar SHE SHOWS UP, first time was 2 weeks into my no contact, more recently it was 8 days into my no contact and i can’t handle it. i need time to heal. IF I GET SOME TIME to heal, i can call cops, etc..try other things, but i need TIME, which my sociopath wont seem to allow.
Thinking like you suggest rather than confront, avoid or ignor, just throw some dodges out, lies, if IM not in my state she has no other reason to come here. I HAVE NOW gone No contact with my guy friends too, blocking their numbers.
BTW, My learning is that a narcotics addict very sociopathic/narcissitic but the primary difference is their addiction is treated in NA or AA, while the others can be treated with therapy.
I like this page alot and for me its sounding like the most logical solution.
Curious your feedback.
I do know that long term class a drug users like heroin can display similar characteristics as sociopaths, lying deceit, theft, playing games, selfish behaviour, turning your world upside down. So I can’t comment if she is a sociopath, she might just be a chaotic long term drug user as it is similar behaviour. Only the reasons behind the actions are slightly different. Heroin blocks emotions too. All you can do is walk away. You cannot fix her you can only fix you.
Also remember that she will expect you to be honest, while you expect her to lie. You therefore have the upper hand. Sociopaths often only win because they expect you to be dishonest and treat you so…. And honest people expect others to also be honest so they are not on guard for manipulative and deceptive behaviour. You are also right 30 days or however long will give you time to breath… If you let go you can grow.
Hi John, here’s my two cents if you don’t mind. 🙂
I agree that addicts can resemble sociopaths because all they want is to feed the addiction, nothing and no one else matters. But, risky behaviour and substance abuse is something sociopaths often do. So I agree with PG that in this case it would be hard to know which was which. But if you’re feeling tormented it doesn’t matter much what her problem is does it?
I’m wondering if you have started to document everything? Writing down when have you told her to go away, when she shows up, her behaviour, time of day, date, everything. Another really strong attempt at no-contact may give you the peace and quiet you need. Just a thought.
When lying, my personal favourite is small bits of misinformation. The SP is so good at lying that they lie about things they don’t even need to lie about. When you are telling them little silly lies they will think they are getting information (control) over you, so they are happy, but in fact they are getting nothing.
My personal opinion is that big lies can backfire, she could use it to expose YOU as a liar. Plus sometimes getting them angry is a really bad idea. For this reason alone I avoid using them.
My other favourite lie is anything that makes it seem like you have nothing that they want. If they are after your money, then suddenly you no longer have any money and can’t even pay your own bills. If they want intimacy, then suddenly you have an icky virus. You get the idea.
And…Definitely lie to her about how you feel.
I really hope you get that rest that you need, you sound really worn out. 😦
Thanks Blue and PG,
yea its not about money, she’s got a husband nearby and plenty of money. I think i pointed out she presently uses alcohol primarily as her drug of choice but yes a lifelong habit of heroin does cause the thinking to be of the scheming addict type.
I think she’s obssessed with attention from men.
Blue when u said lie about how i feel, u mean to say positive things like i miss her ? or lie like im over her?
Her techniques are sociopathic, narcsissitc, my therapist said addicts have all that plus plus plus.
One bad therapist told me last year, that if I started standing up, she will find someone else and be done with me. My present therapist disagrees, maintaining its quite common for them to have many “backups” and never lose contact with any. She maintains contact with every ex for the past 40 yrs she’s presently mid 50’s. She claims that im special and all this crap, but the minute she gets my attention, she trashes it, by ignoring calls, and so forth.
I made 21 days of NC, but then one of my local guy friends blew it, cause i’d blocked him, he called her to find out where i was, then she twisted my brain by text and i broke the NC.
Maybe instead of a phone block no contact just being “busy” when she calls or texts, might be a smooth solution to buy me time.
Would it be unusual for a sociopath to carry on the game with many lovers simulaneously?
tnx
Hi John, I’m glad you are getting help from a good therapist.
No contact is something that we all came to in our own time and no one can really make you come to that decision if you’re not ready to believe it. (took me 10 yrs!) If you haven’t blocked her yet it’s only because you aren’t ready to get her out of your life yet. Yes, it’s extremely common for them to have several sources of attention or supply. It wouldn’t be so unusual for an addict to also be addicted to male approval and attention, the addict has a never ending hole that can’t be filled. If this is all about getting your attention and affections then, IF you really want her gone, that is what you need to cut off. No more kind words, understanding, caring, lust, love, talks, NOTHING, zip nada. However, I realize it can take a long time before we are truly ready to be rid of them, even when we are getting hurt in the process. (it took me 10 yrs to really and truly go no contact…and it’s still a struggle on many days not to miss him.)
About lying about your feelings — what I meant is that sometimes when someone hurts us our natural instinct is to tell them how much they hurt us and so forth. I believe that this just feeds their need to control you and be the centre of your world, which just makes their behaviour worse, not better. Basically, any approach you would use with a reasonable, caring person is NOT the approach to use with a sp or narc. With a reasonable person you tell them how much they hurt you and they feel bad, and apologize, and go away…or treat you better. The sp however will just mock your feelings, be disgusted by them, and feel oh so important and superior to you as well then use those feelings against you every chance they get. So “pokerface” or “cheery face” is the ONLY way to be around these people. “Never let them see you sweat!”
so true Blue ….after 1 year n/c….due to legal issues I started emailing him. Told him how important it is that we talk….honestly knowing how much he HATES confrontation,,,,,he wrote back, why don’t you send me a letter that way I won’t interupt you or upset you……I was schocked that he was willing to listen…..well before I could even write the letter…he emailed me last night this horrible litany how I was the was the bad one that everything he did to me I did to him……when he went to jail that i hit him…..thank when I took his gun after I woke up and he was cocking it right by head….that he could of killed me long ago if he wanted….yadayadayada…..he sounded really crazy ranting and raving….but I am OK as now know better than to have any contact except through the court. Would love to post that letter here but
what is the point??? we all know they are NUCKING FUTS
What an awful reminder, and perfect example of how they never move on the way I regular person would. thankfully it was just an email and not face to face, scary! I guess you can now rest assured that your decision to go no contact was the right call to make, he’s just proved you were right.
What you said Blue about conquering the fear of him is so freeing.when one email he sent to me he said I shouldn’t be afraid and in the next sentence said ‘he could of killed me long ago’ if he wanted….I took the first 45..then a few years later he bought 2 more…he sounds so angry all the time I do believe I barely escaped with my life and sanity!
I am rubbish at lying, truthfully the most honest person ever. I work with this guy and I am terrified, I have never been a victim before and at first fought the way he was treating me – then realised it was taking up all my time. I am not good at being cool showing no emotions and i work with him. Financially I cant move jobs yet and it literally makes me sweat thinking of seeing him next week. I feel violated by him. I cant get my brain to work properly and stop thinking about this shit situation. I would love to know the coping strategy Blue therapist has recommended her to try – thank god for this site,,,,x
Hi first of all you are NOT an idiot.
This is a tough situation, as in work you have expectations placed upon you to be professional and to do what your employer expects of you. He knows this and will use this against you. the best advice, apart from to get another job is to NEVER show emotion, don’t display any reaction. Just be professional. Speak if you have to, if it is professional…. see him as a very difficult and challenging client. But for your sanity perhaps look at your career options, can you change roles so that you don’t have to have contact with him. Hopefully he will find someone new and lose interest in causing trouble in your life.
Please write something about dealing with a possibly sociopathic mother-in-law (haha!…:-( maybe she has NPD, but amny sociopathic tendencies are there, I believe.
Hi Tom, this site is called ‘dating a sociopath’ I don’t write about mother in laws.
Well I am not dating my mother in law but she is in the equation, as I am married to her daughter. So an actor with a small degree of separation but because you seem to know this subject (sociopath, narcissist, etc) well, maybe you could tackle it as a side note?
You could try writing your story on ‘share you story’ section and there might be others who have understanding of the subject and could answer you?
I am doing almost all that you write about, and I just found your blog today!! So props to me!! I was married to a co-vert narc for 10 years, together 12 total! Total Sociopath….Why I cannot go completely no contact is because we share a child together 😦 I do try to talk to him as little as possible…we only talk minimally about the child, and limit that to just small words…he acts like a robot around me, no emotions or communication….I do not tell him any of my plans, for when I do not have my daughter, although he asks me what they are?! None of his business!!! I lived through 10 years of sociopathic, co-vert narc abuse and mind games…and I survived stronger!!! I escaped the madness and walked away, Free….sometimes he uses my child to play mind games against me, but I just ignore and do not play into the madness…I worry, my daughter will pick up on his narc ways and sociopathic fantasy world delusions, but that is out of my control…I can only work from my end, to the best of my abilities to try to keep her mentally “grounded” into reality…I really enjoy what I am reading on your blog…wish I had found a blog like this when I was 22 years old, then I would not have dated the sociopathic narc or married him!! I wish to help others not to make the same mistake I did!!! He bamboozled me in all the ways you describe…..mirroring me, isolating me, overwhelming me with elaborate gifts and jewels and fancy trips, wining and dining me, over the top flattery, hook line and sinker….putting me on a pedestal, idolizing me, etc…if I had not been the product of a Narc mother and Narc father myself, I would not have been so easily victimized, but I was an easy “prey”….take care and good luck to you all…I would not wish this life on my worst enemy….not only is it pure hell on earth being married to a sociopathic narc, but try divorcing one, it is like war games to the millionth degree….they will fight you down to your death…mentally and physically, they will stop at nothing to defeat you!!!! You need upmost strength and money to fight this character…I was lucky, I had both, but it still almost killed me….I survived, but it almost killed me, mentally and physically draining….if it sounds too good to be true: It usually is…..proceed with caution…….they love the fight….the bigger the prize that they think you are: Total Arm candy/Prom Queen fantasy/Trophy Wife fantasy, etc…they will fight for you tooth and nail and stop at nothing to get you!!!!! Once they “get you”, you are trapped….and their games begin……they then start to widdle you down, to break you down, to mentally torture you, with mind games, they start to ignore you, they start to buy and buy expensive things for themselves with a vengeance!!!!! Money becomes their greatest thing in life and you become a piece of disposable trash….they never communicate with you, therapy is Pointless, because they do not want to change, they love the way they are!!!!!! They act like little boys, that want their cake and eat it too!!!!! They used you, they tricked you, you were nothing but a “trophy” to win in their mind…….they never loved you….they don’t even love your child if you have one with them….their child is just a possession to them……trust me….they are bad news!!!!!! A nightmare to live with, you will slowly break down and give up….dont let them do this to you….Be strong, Be brave, walk away from this toxic madness……you deserve MORE….you deserve to be loved fully!!!!!!!!
Brilliant comment, thank you coco and welcome to the site!! 🙂
What an amazing advise! I have done the no-contact and aloof contact. Neither have worked. My Socio/Narc moved out, He is liquidating all of our assets and wants me to suffer. Exactly his words. I love this advise, because he is living the double life but won’t accept any responsibility. He is lying to the new source and to me well, he tells me that I am the women of his dreams. HAAAA….. any who he won’t file and wont event say the words. I will employ this. if anyone has some advise of how to deal with a narc over a divorce please provide…. I am loosing my mind.
Hello! I got a comment from “how to deal with a narc sociopath when going through a divorce…I wanted to give my advice to this woman, but I am not sure how to go about doing so…thank you so muchCourtney Howard Saul
Hi just write and it will come up courtney
Hi Courtney – Feel free to post…. I check this site regularly.
I am going through the process right now! Would love your advise. My situation is the typical one – multiple affairs, blames me for all of them, no accountability. I saw him recently, and he said that if I wanted to change the course of our marriage that I needed to go GET HIM and tell him to stop dating the other women! This is after he has been with her for 6 months. I am unsure still of what direction to take, he has been my supporter for years and I have zero idea of how to do anything other than work and take care of our baby. He doesn’t want to file, for selfish reasons (although we both have a career, he makes substantially more than me). So the situation is that he wants me to experience life without him since I am choosing to separate. When I asked him what would change if I didn’t want to separate he gave me the same response I gave him, to come after him and prove my love and that I want him. 🙂 ok,,,,,, so this is coming from the man who is now dating a 20 something girl and he is 40 something.
He concluded with saying I know you won’t file so I am doing everything I can to protect my financial situation.
Am I loosing my mind or what?
He is playing the game with you and pushing your buttons. He is deflecting and trying to push the decision making back to you, making it therefore appear YOUR fault.
Remember that these are just words. The sociopath when they want to control a situation, will often present you with the IMPOSSIBLE situation (the one that they KNOW you won’t do) like …. well you have to come after me, prove your love for me. This in itself is humiliating. As it is asking you to accept being abused, then run after him declaring your love. He knows that you won’t do this. So it is a way of him controlling the situation, by making out that it is YOUR fault…. and therefore YOUR idea. No, you are not losing your mind. Not at all. Can you cut contact with him, and try to focus on you (I know that this is difficult and painful).
Thank you!!! He knows I won’t do it hence why he suggested it. He won’t either file for divorce… And has cut me off completely. No support, we have a small child. If there was no children I would cut off all contact.
I think it’s very interesting that he cheated but expects me to do the work. That is mind blowing to me.
I posted somewhere previously about confronting the sociopath in my life. Hes the father to my 3 kids. The confrontation went well but i think its done the opposite of what i was hoping. Its like im back to square 1 hes mirroring and trying to figure me out all over again, full on charming. The relationship this time around was only 3 months so im greatful certain events lead me to this clarity of what he is. Before this 3 month relationship with him, we had been seperated for 3 years where the majority of the work recovering and strengthened from 9 years being with him took place although still seeing him every weekend (not knowing he was still putting things in my head). I had extremely low self esteem, was super self concious in public, never looked anyone in the eyes when i talked to them, was overly people pleasing would be so anxious wanting to say the right thing just so someone would like me and if anyone showed faint compassion for me (by simply asking how i was and if i sensed they were genuine) i would literally cry. All that time i thought he was just emotionally abusive, i put all his ways, games and everything down to that but knowing NOW that hes a sociopath makes me feel sorry for my old self. I noticed even since we were seperated i was still looking for validation from outside of myself, from people, friends family because i was unaware that he was still gas lighting me and pushing my boundaries. I found myself fully jumping to his every whim although having more strength to question things than i ever did before its weird to see how much influence they can perpetuate so quickly!!! We were literally planning marriage!!!!
I confronted him a week ago when everything was revealed, took his clothes tried the tactics said in this post and felt empowered but now hes here right now “spending time with the kids” fully trying to charm me again. I feel like its back to square one, hes mirroring me and the assessment phase almost like the stronger wiser me is appealing to him again. Ive been telling him straight up that we will never have a future, that i wasted 12 years with his time stalling, saying he doesnt love me he loves the thrill it gives him, everything i can think of but his reactions are like i never said anything bad?? Its weird and im scared i might be teaching him a whole new ball game he might use against me or someone else what do i do now??
Something else ive noticed is my son (whos 9) has always teased my daughter that i never thought was anything (shes 7) while smirking or laughing at her reactions, i also noticed (with this new awareness gained) that hes recently started using her fears (scary stories he threatens to tell her) if she doesnt go outside and ride bikes with him etc. Im aware of what hes doing now but its freaking me out a bit. Could his dad have been grooming him all this time??? On reflection i also realised my son has 2 phones, an ipad, had his room decked out and a $400 bike where as my daughter has none of the above, im freaked out that maybe he and his dad together have been manipulating us….
Im also 21 years younger then him. He met me when i was 17, he was 38. So its a given that hes been doing this for years, even things he used to say i never thought mattered like “they meant nothing to me” (his 3 other girlfiends, one of which also was a young one half his age) and hes always said he doesnt know what emotions are, “are there big emotions, small emotions” he could never understand when i was upset etc. But yea so i cant believe it all this time all THAT TIME!! I wasted with him abusing me in so many ways!!
I am dealing with a sociopathic medicine abuser. My sister. 6 years ago my niece of 21 our other sisters daughter died of an intravenous drug overdose. At which time this abuser harassed our grieving sister almost to the point of suicide
Thank you for writing everything that you have written on this blog, it has helped me consolidate many thoughts and feelings and events that have been going through/happening in my life so far. I’ve been married to an SP for 5 years now, have a daughter and another on the way, I’ve just recently recognized him for who he is; I suspect many things about him (lies, having affairs, using me for visa) but none can be proven yet (he is, just like any SP, super smooth and smart in covering his tracks) but what I am really sure of is his insincerity. I realized all the things he told me, all the attention, pampering, sweet talking, are all just an act. I have seen his mask slips a few times; before this I just thought well, everyone has a temper, maybe it’s indeed my fault (now I know he’s just gaslighting!) after all he has never raised a hand on me, but the narcissistic rage is real and I have come to realize it for what it is through this blog. So thank you for helping me to help myself. I am convinced now I need to get away from him, take him completely out of my life. We earn about the same level of income, but due to his status in the country he doesn’t own any property, I do, through my family. He used to have more money though and used to financially pamper me. But now I’m sensing that he’s losing a lot of cash, and I don’t want to be his source of financial supply next, on top of the already existing list. I have actually spoken about divorce with him and he is absolutely not willing to let me go (as he is without a new source of supply, have nowhere to go, no plan yet, and he has a reputation to maintain as well, as I suspect I am his Trophy Wife). At some point during an argument he threatened to make things “difficult” for me, and I know he has been toying with the idea of running away and out of the country with our daughter. I’m trying to see if I can get even with him and at the same time eliminate all chances of him ever being able to spend time with our daughter without my being there, which is difficult because he doesn’t have any record of being abusive or attempting kidnapping and such. At present, I’m pretending as if I’m giving us a second chance, all the while being wary of his next move (we’re not living together anymore, I, but we meet/spend nights together occasionally and he’s in the ‘seducing’ stage again, while I’m thinking that I’m luring him into a false sense of security, but I’m not sure how to proceed after this) I want to make him give up or get fed up with me and willingly get up and leave the country so I can claim abandonment and then divorce, but I’m not quite sure how. Can anyone kind enough to give me example of telling him lies to derail him? As of now I have no problem occasionally ignoring his phonecalls and texts since we fought and showing him that he isn’t quite the centre of my life like how it used to be before, he usually gets upset but most of the time try to fake patience and understanding, so what else can I do to derail him? Any example of feeding him false information? Sorry if my questions sound silly but I really want to know. Thank you!
Hi pippa. Thank you for your kind words. Derailing is not telling him anything about your life. Giving no truth. Telling lies. Mirroring him telling him what he wants to hear.
As a law student I admit I have a certain different perspective that others may lack, as well as knowledge, but still I would think it would be obvious to even people not in the legal profession that SO MUCH of what you describe here can be solved (some of it quite easily) through retaining an attorney. I understand that not everyone has the money for an ideal intervention and course of action by an attorney, but even then I would think in this day in age people would be familiar with restraining orders, and how much even just they could help people in your situation. You (the author) talked about no contact as though you were helpless to stop many of the behaviors he would follow up with, like nothing could be done so you had to move on to “get even”. But things like you being afraid of his showing up at your house and feeling powerless to stop it, as well as the “barrage” stage of harassment could easily be solved with a restraining order. Police may not be able to evoke consequences on him for just showing up at your home ordinarily… unless he is there on your property and refusing to leave and continues to do so after the police have arrived they may very likely just send him on his way with a stern talking to. The restraining order takes care of this, as when he does this during the presence of one the police will be required to arrest him. The same can generally be done for his barrage of unwanted contact, even down to criminalizing his text messages to you. In addition it is easy to set up the circumstances necessary for a civil harassment case; just warn him, in a certified letter, that any farther contact from him to you is unwanted and will be considered harassment. You actually don’t usually need more than this, but to solidify your position you could list reasons why it is harassing and unwanted. With the more involved help of an attorney comes further methods of curtailing his harmful behavior and punishing him for it. For one thing retaining an attorney in this matter gives you the benefit of an incorruptible ally who will not leave your side no matter what sort of song and dance the sociopath wishes to sing (of course documentation of past behavior is still very helpful and and will be necessary for some more involved interventions, and proof of some of these behaviors is nice as well, like a recorded phone call or in person conversation), and the sociopath knows this. His “smear campaign” could easily be considered slander or libel, and could certainly be worth suing him for if it has cost you your job (very easy damages to prove in court), but he could even be sued for emotional distress for the slander if it has caused friends to turn against you, troubles at work not causing a firing, etc. Even if you want a minimal legal intervention (in addition to the restraining order) a letter from an attorney warning him that various legal remedies against his behavior are available, all communications between him and you will be monitored and documented, phone conversations recorded, friends and colleagues have been warned about his hostile and slanderous intent and have agreed to document and forward all communications with him to the attorney, etc.
Note that I’m not an attorney (yet hopefully lol) and none of this should be considered legal advice or substitute for consulting with a legal professional. In the case of a violent sociopath contact a professional consultant experienced in dealing with violent individuals, as in some cases even the filing of a restraining order may not be the most safe approach as it can send violent control obsessed people into a rage an may provoke an attack.
But they do Blaming, Framing and Shaming. THey will set up the victim. It is not unknown for the victim to end up behind bars in jail for something they have not done. They are the professional liars, not you. They will also recruit new flying monkeys (I know mine is now involved with someone in legal field) as they always like to be one step ahead. Many (esp in USA) are officers in US police force too.
Don’t even try with this one, Positiva; he’s just proud to talk law as a soon-to-be attorney. He doesn’t yet understand how far out of his depth he is. If it were as simple as he thinks, there’d be no terminology for repeat offenders or serial- anything. Psychopaths and sociopaths, as we know are a breed largely unknown to humans on the face of this planet… until they run up close against one. Forever thereafter, we see the world differently.
Well, for one, you’re still a student, learning the law, but you still do not understand the dynamics of domestic violence, ambient abuse as it pertains to family court and its behavior and attitude to it in regards to the law. RO and EOP do not guarantee safety and many times even with those restraints in effect, victims have been killed and murdered by their abusers. Critical thinking comes into play here and I just dont see you having it. You need real life examples, perhaps when you graduate and get into real life court experiences you will see first hand for yourself how ineffective these things are, and how the judges attitude towards domestic procedures have very little to no effect.