Ruining, smear campaigns and third party abuse!

Just when you thought that you are finally free of the sociopath. You might be hurt, but you are taking time out to recover, and to try to heal. The ruining and smear campaigns start. What is more hurtful is how effective the sociopath is at doing this.

You might have done absolutely nothing wrong. You  are probably the victim in all of this, suffering sometimes colossal losses and damage to your life. You might need your ‘friends’ around you to support you. What might amaze you, is that if you are very unlucky the sociopath will ensure the ending of the relationship is exactly as the beginning was with you.

The sociopath is hellbent on causing destruction, wherever they go in life. Remember that they fear only two things:

  • Fear of exposure
  • Fear of losing control

When the relationship ends, the sociopath will do everything that he can do, to protect his image. To avoid those two fears becoming a reality, you might be amazed that the people that the sociopath will speak to are YOUR friends.

Remember how in the beginning, the sociopath sold YOU yourself. Using a thread of truth from what they already knew about  you, mixed in with the lie, to make his lies sound believable? The sociopath repeats this behaviour, only this time, he will do this to people that are close to you, or your  wider social network. His aim is to alienate you from support, and to prevent exposure about how he has treated you. So that if you do talk, you will not be believed and you will seem like the crazy one.

Third party abuse

You might have already realised that whilst in the relationship with the sociopath, he isolated you from friends, family or your wider social network. This would have been done subtly, so that you hardly realised what he was doing. Either by exerting control, real or fake jealousy, telling you negative things about your friends, feeding you false information, telling you that people do not care about you, whilst acting at the same time, like your very best friend, and your saviour and rescuer from these people who are against you.

When the relationship ends with the sociopath, he does exactly the same thing. Only in reverse. This time, the sociopath will

  • Mirror your friends (who were previously hurt by your rejection of them)
  • Will feed them false information – which sounds believable because they will use a thread of truth (saying things that they already know)
  • Will deliberately target those that he knows that you have fallen out with (often because of things that he said or did in the relationship, feeding you false information) – he will use these people to spread lies about you. Making those lies sound believeable by mixing it with a thread of truth
  • Will discredit you, using this information, and feeding back to them – positive reinforcements about themselves
  • Act like victim
  • Will use previous examples… especially using knowledge that they already know (mixed with lies) – this is especially effective if your friend has been hurt by your rejection of them
  • Well sell the other person exactly what they want
  • Will feed their own narcissistic supply

The sociopath doesn’t think too much about what they are doing. It is natural, defence mechanism reaction, it is their own self preservation. By gaining people on side, and supporting them against you, they avoid being exposed, and to them, they have the ultimate control.

You can be left reeling. Often you have sat at home and done no actions at all. Yet, lies are being spread about you, which have little bearing on reality.

The sociopath is now using third party people to abuse you. The sociopath will always try to get in there first. Remember that he has no connections of his own. Not really. He therefore feels jealous of the ones that you have. The wider the social network that you have, the bigger the damage that can be done. Having observed, you and your life, and having controlled you, the sociopath will know exactly the key people to target. He will affect (if he can) all areas of your life. Leaving him, seemingly the victim, but also the hero, and identifying with them and their needs, and you (the victim) the bad guy.

If you try to reach out for support or talk to others, you might face either

  • Overt rejection
  • Covert rejection

Overt rejection by others (to your face)

  • People not taking your calls
  • Not being invited to events
  • People stopping calling you
  • A blank response when asking for help, and trying to explain what has happened to you
  • Leaving your life altogether
  • Alienating you

Covert rejection by others (behind your back)

  • Seeing you as the perpetrator, not the victim
  • Talking behind your back (about you and not to you) – being the source of gossip
  • Listening to the lies spread by the sociopath and worse spreading them
  • Not being supportive
  • Looking at you in ‘pity’ if you try to explain what has happened to you

How this feels, what to do, and recovery

Unfortunately, you are left disarmed when this happens to you. There is little that you can do about it. After all, you are not the master manipulator, the sociopath is.  The worse thing, is if you have been unfortunate to meet more than one sociopath in a row. This makes the sociopath’s job relatively easy, as they can build on lies told by the previous one.

Even if this hasn’t happened. And this is the first one that you have met, he will continue with his hate campaign against you, whilst smiling with kind eyes, and appearing to be the victim, and ‘caring about you’. Yes that is right, the sociopath will not talk about you in an ‘attacking way’, he can do, in temper, but not always. Often, he will act as rescuer and carer for your friends. Selling them information that they need to hear, to heal the  hurt that they feel about your rejection of them.

For you, this can be absolutely devastating. In truth you have been involved in an abusive relationship, where you were used, abused, and controlled. You now want to go back to your old life. You need grounding and reality. So you reach out for help. But face third party abuse.

You sink further down. Things cannot get possibly worse, you think.

That is the truth. Things CAN’T get worse!

Coming out of the other side, is like passing through a storm. You are stronger than you think you are. Remember this:

  • People who genuinely love you and care for you, will love you unconditionally, and no matter what the sociopath says will not be long term affected by anything that the sociopath says
  • The real, genuine people in your life, know the real you, the real character, these are the people to hold onto
  • That the sociopath would have assessed you and deliberately targeted – those that provided the greatest support for you – (remember this happened in the relationship, when isolating you)
  • You might have to, for your own sanity, start very small, even with just close family members, and start again
  • Don’t try to change others opinion. It won’t work. The sociopath would have covered their tracks, and will have done all that he can do, to come out of the battle unscathed and looking like a caring angel

Just salvage what you can. Focus on the inner YOU. Remember that true happiness, comes from within. Only YOU can make YOU happy. Nobody else.

Yes, it is hurtful, but this is exactly what the sociopath operates on. Causing hurt, pain and damage. So that they can make themselves feel better about their own actions.

If you are reading this, if you can identify with this, if this has happened to you. Even if you feel alone and isolated after this has happened. Take heart. You are not alone. I write this, as it happened to me. Just as it has happened to me, it has happened also to millions of victims all over the world.

You are not a victim, you are a survivor. Try not to think about others reactions and don’t fight back. Fighting back will simply reinforce the lies that the sociopath is telling about you, especially if you lose your temper.

Take time out to focus on yourself. Learn to trust you again. Leave it a while, let the dust settle. Remember that you can never change someone else. But you can change you.

Also remember this – lies will take speed….. but the truth will always have endurance!!!

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105 thoughts on “Ruining, smear campaigns and third party abuse!”

    1. Because they are not human. The target is human. The sociopath has no humanity. Whatever they are; aliens, demons, robots, empty vessels, souuless entities- they are not God’s creation.

      1. some may laugh at that until you go levels into the research on the alteration of the human DNA and realize it is indeed possible that there are some who have a hybrid mix of human-alien DNA. Having dealt personally with two of these soc’s, yes I attest, in certain ways, they are not human!

      2. I know when he had narc rage. I saw things that I had never seen before. The blackness in his eyes. Colour draining from his face. Rage like I had never seen in my life before.

      3. Right on. I am the victim of a narcissistic smear campaign. This article helps so much as you realise it is not you, you are not crazy. It explains why you feel alone and everyone has turned agaisnt you. It’s a sickening feeling in the pit of your stomach. And to know your own sister went against you with a man or men she purposely sent to you to gaslight you and get your neighbors to harass and torment you for years, and getting others to join in this harassment and smear campaign is non human. For anyone, let alone an army of people to try to destroy another out of jealous hatred is just pure evil. I have lost jobs over it, cant get a job because this smear campaign is showing up in public records even though I’m in the middle of trying to clear my name. They are malisously trying to ruin me. I am taking your advice and staying centered and trying to get back to the real me, a kind, loving person. These people need major psychological help but as countless articles state, these people don’t recognize their problem and refuse to get help. I can only hope and pray that the truth comes out and I win a libel lawsuit in the end. And my loved ones are restored to me. Amen. God bless you all who are facing this tragic situation. Hang in there

      4. Hi Mary. I am so sorry that this has happened to you. Betrayal is so difficult. How they try to ruin your good name. It can make you feel like you are going crazy. And it feels like it goes on and on and on. Have you tried profession help. It can really help to have one person to talk to who you can trust.

      5. Thank you for your comment. I am so sorry that you are experiencing this. I know it is dreadful. You remember you don’t have to clear your name to anyone except you. You also remember that those who are real in your life nothing bad said about you will matter. They will believe in you anyway. What has happened is not your fault. I want you to be focused on this “how anyone else sees you is not your business” you are only responsible for your own behaviour. Nothing else. Nothing else belongs to you. So let it go. If you are left with only one friend work on this. Additionally professional help can really help you to learn to trust you. And also to trust another and from this you can grow. Hang in there. Focus within and on you, don’t waste energy trying to convince others who should have believed in you in the first place. The truth will come out in the end. You will find those that didn’t believe in you, what a relief either they are gone or that you know how unreliable they are. You can do this. One day. One step at a time.

    2. This illness has no reason sometimes. Most the time this kind of person feeds off of your fears. They are not human in a sence. Thebfear for them is losing control of what they made you tjink in the first place. Mow self esteem fraring being exposed. All their lives was lived in an illusion they rather not strp out of it an face who they know they are with in. Even they fear themselves but enjoy making sure you’re as lost as they are. Strong people may be affected but not consumed. In the end targets are bkessed knowing who is truly for them from the heart.

      1. I am sorry i missed your comment. Debbie this too is a gift and a time for you to be there for you. Write goals and be realistic about time frames. Be your own best friend. Find online support groups. Write your own story.

    3. Why me? I’m just a mum. Don’t people have anything better to do with their lives then make mine hell by being small minded believing in lies. Get a life and stay out of mine. I want my privacy back.

    4. Sociopaths have the “warrior” gene and naturally want to fight. This may be good on the battle field but horrible in interpersonal relationships. They target people on their own side for reasons explained in this article, fear of exposure and losing control. Their preemptive strike is to ensure you are the bad person, not them. They enjoy the damage they cause people and their lives because they feel in control.

  1. The “why” is the complicated part – and the predator will be glad to supply his/her convenient answer. They get away with it because people have a tendency to believe gossip as truth.
    Often, sociopaths “control the compromise” – they make conflict, and cause malicious compromise. For example – YOU have a vacation house that you don’t use in August. The partner wants to let his friends use it for the whole month. You ‘compromise’ in letting HIS friends use it for two weeks – and wreck it. Now, it’s 50% your fault. Get it?

    1. Very devlilish. Sociopaths often remind me of the scene in the movie Broadcast News, where the new anchor orchestrates an obvious ethics breach, and another newsman is asking the question,

      “Well, what did you think the devil would look like anyway? Horns and claws? No. He would be attractive, charismatic, flash over substance, and he’d get a job in a place where he could influence many people…where he could lower our standards bit by bit, just coaxing along…and he’d talk about us all really being salesmen.”

    2. Its so frustrating when people take the gossip as fact so readily, even people who have known you a long time. Its so hurtful, but I do believe its a waste of time to defend yourself against those who bought the spin they put on it to make you look bad or crazy. I guess you’ve got to just dust yourself off and start over with those who love you unconditional, and carefully add new people if you want to.

    3. It ticks me off that so many people believe gossip blindly. I dont. I keep an open mind and look for evidence that its true. Especially when the person telling me has their share of bad traits themself. I also think about my own perception of the person, and that may give ne the benefit of the doubt regarding the matter. I also take into consideration the fact that I wasn’t there, so I’m only hearing one side of the story. Ive seen people be so dumb and choose to back someone on the f limsiest evidence and the slanted version of events that tries to make a known cruel person look like he was in tge right. So annoying and unfair. A lot of people just aren’t that smart and choose to belueve what they want to belueve with a closed shut mind. So predictable and common.

      1. Sometimes people just like gossip. I find that people often are more likely to hear the bad than the good, Which is a shame really. It can be difficult, painful, and devastating to not only be the victim, but also the innocently accused, and left without support

      2. Im actually still going through it present day. The person who played me has told everyone that he had told me that he didnt want a relationship, and so now I look like a weirdo. Even though one of his friends saw what he did to me as he saw me attempting to reconcile with my estranged husband, he tried to make me believe he loved me, and he was begging to see me and take me to dinner. It almost sucked me back in again . Anyway, even though I’m happily reconciled with my husband, I have to deal with getting the side eye from people, and it really hurts. Im a nice person basically, and I totally accept if someonedoesnt want to be with me, and allways have. Its the deception and manipulation of my emotions that devestated me. All for the oopportunity to hopefully have sex with me again. I never knew people could be so rotten. Oh and also he had been a friend for many years prior and I had only seen his mask. Its been really hard to rise above this even with the love and support I have. This guy apologized to me for it but then also turned around and blamed me and anybody that will listen. I really feel for those who have gone through this. If I didnt have so much love from family, I dont know what would have become of me. I guess I have to learn not to give much weight to what some people think of me and leave the rest of it to karma.

      1. Thanks. You know I’ve only started following your blog (and FB) recently but it always blows me away how your timing of posts is right on the mark for me. Quite incredible but without it I’d think I’d have gone crazy. Thanks for writing. It means so much to me to have this support.

      2. I have just finished a gay relationship with a narc/sociopath.. The way this man has devastated my life is beyond words. The rage, the lies, deceit, cheating, stealing, physical,emotional and mental abuse have all impacted upon my own health in a negative and profound way I am maintaining no contact and have heard he has started a smear campaign about me.I wonder if i will get through this. Stephen

      3. Hey stephen thanks for your comment. Yes you will heal and recover. To understand this site go back and start from 2013. They are evil. Read as much as you can so that you know that this is not you. Then focus on gratitude. I mean get out of bed be grateful for the bed. Be grateful for your home. Make coffee be grateful for coffee. Fresh water in the tap, electricity . If you go to the store for food be grateful its there and food is on the shelves. This will keep your mind busy and focused. Stop you focusing on loss it is i believe the fastest way to heal. I am sorry you are hurting i will come back and show a post that gives my experience of this. Remember when he can no longer control you he controls the way others see you!!

  2. Thank you for this blog! I was so suicidal until I read I’m not a victim I’m a survivor! What I don’t get is that I attract one sociopath to the next! Help me! What is it about me? I’m so tired of it.

    1. Hey Lisa, I am pleased to read that you are making recovery.

      You ask why do you meet one and then another? This could be because you are not giving yourself enough time to heal. Time out for you before you go into another relationship.

      Nobody else can make you feel whole. But you. But someone else can take away a part of you. If you try another relationship to get over the last to get rid of the pain – you are at risk of meeting another. This is because you will be projecting to the sociopath what you do not want. This will give them lots of information to manipulate you with.

      Try reading this post

      I hope it helps…. focus on you. Learn to love yourself!!

      1. I sure do empathize! This is the most painful treatment to endure, after being used and played. Its bad enough to be treated with callous duplicitious intent, but then the gaslighting, smear campaigns and third party morons piling on is the pits! It really makes you dig deep and realize whats important. Once you’re stronger you can get smarter too and see people more clearly. Anyway, know that you’re not alone in suffering this, and that you’re a good person who trusted the wrong people. Its hard for some of us to imagine getting off on hurting others for enjoyment, but unfortunately some do. And some are just dumb and join in because they’re gullible and weak.

  3. My ex told his friends and family and I quote “she is suffering from a family inherited mental disorder!” And for the final two months of our relationship no one knew we were dating anymore!!!! He even went to the police to report me for harrassment… when it was the other way around!

    1. I’m quite sure that I’m being slagged to anyone dumb enough to listen by a Socio-Stalker. There never was any relationship.
      He describes his Ex as a “psycho” with bi-polar disorder. I have had episodes of depression, but I’m sure as Hell NOT his “Ex”.
      He claims to have even convinced her parents that there is ‘something’ wrong with her. I do think she is pretty nasty, but a lot of it was him philandering, & I think he may have said that he was with me when he got caught out. (That Never Happened!) All I know is she tried to cause a car accident (or 2?) with me, & seemed to hate me or no apparent reason.
      What a piece of work he is!

    2. My Socio-Stalker (we never had a relationship!) I believe is currently slagging me to anyone who will listen. He describes his actual Ex as a “psycho” with Bi-Polar Disorder to people that know them as a couple. He describes me as a “Stalker” to anyone who is dumb enough to listen.
      He may be describing me to people who don’t know him or his Ex personally as his “Psycho Ex”.
      I outed him on a chat board, not by his persona or by his nik name, but I just stated the facts, & he went ape$#1t in reaction to my comments, so he actually outed himself ! 🙂 I think he is slagging me there.
      I stopped posting, & I can see that he has gotten chummy in personal private off board conversations with some of the single men.
      Every time he & the Ex have had a set-to, he seems to run into me repeatedly-? For a while I thought that there was a GPS on my car. When he sees that I’m Not gonna take the bait, he has his buddies yell, “Slut!” etc, etc, @ me.
      He had a huge bust up with her just before Xmas. I was unaware of this since I don’t know either of them until I read that after the fact on the chat board. Suddenly, I start seeing him in his car passing me everywhere! A vehicle that I had seen them both in before the break up stopped in front of my house on occasion. (To this day, I don’t know if it was him checking me out, or her looking for him @ my house.) I have a feeling that he did a bit of philandering on her & possibly said he was with me! That never happened!!
      I never understood why that woman seemed to hate me for no reason.
      I didn’t even know that he had a GF. He sure Didn’t Act like he had one!!

      1. How do I stop my psycho-stalker having me fallowed around
        Every where I go? I’m being fallowed by cars plains people I have nothing left to cope with this anymore, it’s been years like this. I can’t complain to the authority’s because they are also in this as well.
        I have moved from house to house country to country. My kids were taken from me because of lies. Lost everything I worked all my life to achive. I have no family support or real friends. Please say something clever.

  4. i am in a marriage for almost 20 years with 3 children with this man. He has continued to compulsively lie to me and cause financial chaos with back taxes and not paying bills, ruining my credit even though I have specifically asked him to be especially diligent since I thought we were now trying to rebuild our credit, but I found out he has let small bills go to collection refusing to pay. (he refused to let me pay the bills or know how the money is being distributed.) When I ask him periodically if things are going okay with the bills being on time, he assures me emphatically that everything is fine, obviously lying. He hides mail/bills from me. He won’t let me know the goings on of his corporation. He has over $100,000 in back taxes accumulated and possibly not reporting certain dividends he gave to himself as payroll to himself. He constantly lies about trivial things like going to the store. He is always trying to stay out as long as possible and makes up any excuse as to why it took him so long while away. He is physically abusive and causes so much stress and sadness to me and the kids. If he finds out I am talking to someone about our issues, he charms them to where it seems that what I have told them could not possibly be true. I don’t know what to do. He is on probation with court for hitting me last year. He just knocked me to the ground the other night and really I should call the police and have him put in jail for it, but I don’t have a job that will generate enough money to pay our bills if he not able to work. I don’t know what to do. I have just discovered that he could very well be a sociopath. He seems to fit the description for the most part. What is the first step in getting away from him when I have a 17 year old, a 15 year old and a 9 year old. by the way, my 17 year old will be 18 next month, and she actually just had a baby that also lives with us. We/I did not bring her up to be having premarital sex at her age, but she reacted to the domestic violence incident last year reaching out to a friend and got pregnant. So now her baby’s father feels that the baby should not live in this house because of my husband. But, unfortunately, the baby’s father has some type of mental issues as well. I just don’t know how to do what I want to do. If I tell the police what happened the other night, it could jeopardize her ability to keep her child ( she is a very committed and loving mother), but by not telling it seems that my husband is just getting away with something again. Please if anyone has any experience or insight they could share with me, I am really searching for what I need to do quickly. thank you.

  5. @kl
    20 years is a long time with someone. Some of your children are old enough to help out. I think you need to take the next few months and build a strategic exit plan. Some of the members here have done this as well and can offer suggestions, even for dealing with your abuser and getting through the “fake period” of not letting him know what you’re up to. Even though it’s his nature, some of the things you may need to do to prepare will be counter to yours.

    Work on figuring out one thing at a time so you are not so overwhelmed. Figure out the finance situation first. You may have to do some discreet investigating. Create an alternate account for yourself immediately and start socking back small amounts. Sell some things that don’t matter. Cultivate a “forgetful” memory when he asks questions. Make discreet inquiries about alternative housing. Think outside the box.

    You also need to think about how your children are going to react, how they view their father, etc., and figure out ways to incorporate their help as you create a new reality for all of you. This is a multi-part process so, you are very right to be thinking about every move you make right now. It sounds like you are viewing your circumstances clearly and that is half the battle in counter-planning.

    1. @Scarlettown2012
      I just opened my eyes from a prayer that someone would respond, and there was your comment. thank you so much for your insight. I do have a small job which does allow me to put some money in a separate account, but I end up living on that money since he does not provide much in our joint account. I am currently ready to apply for nursing clinicals which will take about a year and a half to get through on a part time basis. I have been applying all over for jobs as a medical assistant but I have not worked as such since before I had my children. I am ready to make the drastic changes needed but need to figure out the details. I just feel scared a bit, and that no one will believe me when I say what has been happening. It seems so far-fetched.

      1. No one believes me when I tell them what’s been happening in my life.
        they are all acting as if nothing is happening that it’s just my thinking I feel even more alone because of everyone pretending that it’s all normal.
        I don’t know why everyone is so obsessed by me? I want to live a normal life. I want the smear campaign to stop. Would someone please tell me how to stop this? I change my appearance and they still know who I’m. Very very fright ing specially as a women this is harassment at its worst. It’s invention of my privacy. It’s destroyed my life. I’m tiered of moving house to house county to county. Does anyone know the answer? How to stop the smear campaign ? I feel completely alone and devastated.

  6. Hi kl,
    If you’re having to pull from your funds anyway, you may be supporting more fully already than you know. A year and a half is a good amount of planning time for you. It sounds like he likes to be out of the home to conduct his dirty deeds anyway so, that should make it easier on you interacting, since you only have to pretend to be irritable about it occasionally.

    The concern is what he is doing to you financially through your joint activities. You probably already have, but separate from anything you can. I would also recommend asking about legal ways to separate finances while still married through Ask a Lawyer – That will help you determine options to decide what’s possible right now (some you may be able to accomplish at different times during your exit strategy to keep from pissing him off). As I’m sure you understand, you just don’t want to be suffering from the implications of his actions after you finally separate.

    As far as the medical assistant apps and your time away from the workforce… when you’re looking at the job descriptions, note any common threads of important skills. You may need to take an online course (if that’s even possible in that field), or take one in-person. Like I mentioned, sell some stuff that doesn’t matter to gather the extra funds—this is an investment in your future means of supporting yourself and your children. However you get to that money, do it (I have donated plasma before to get that little extra I needed to accomplish something important.)

    It would be good if you could pay for the nursing clinicals and still sock back money. View any money he puts into the joint account as temporary and draw upon it quickly (before he can deplete it) and strategically for your financial planning.

    As far as others believing you, trust those closest, that support you in your life in general. Everyone else is on a need-to-know basis. While he deserves to be reported, right now, it might not be the best for you. Document his actions though. Any court in the world will understand you trying to get out of a situation like this if you have documented the activity. Try to begin to limit your interactions with him to stay safe. Just be too busy for it. And, remember we are always here.

  7. @Scarlettown2012
    Very practical advice. I appreciate the understanding that it can’t happen overnight. Thankfully, I have been filing my taxes separately for over 10 years so as not to be mixed up in any back debt of his. I very much appreciate your empowering words. I feel grounded that my reasons for leaving are right and justified. I have stayed so long because of loyalty to our marriage vows and for the kids, but things really don’t get better. Our situation has stayed the same for all these years. With a true sociopath, what, if any, motivations are there for him to change for the better? I am reading that it seems virtually impossible for a sociopath to get beyond their dishonest and abusive patterns. Is this generally true? Thank you so much for reaching out to me. I am grateful to have found this site.

    1. @kl
      You’ve obviously been more honoring of your commitments than your husband. Because I have never received a dime in child support, I know what it is to have to figure things out to make it work for you and your family. I believe you won’t do this alone, and God will help you if you only ask for His assistance.

      I think it’s true that sociopath’s are as they are and, for the most part, seemingly untreatable at this stage. Perhaps studies of the brain will promote surgery capabilities in the future, or something in psychotherapy that can help.

      1. Or maybe a great big spaceship , throw them all on it and point it directly into the centre of the sun where they can t cause any more damage .

        Bit drastic I know but …..

        Just a thought ?


    2. Why isn’t anyone responding? I’m starting to see how no one has the answer. I’m even more frighten now. God help me and my kids. Because the humans destroyed our lives. Specially the ones that was closest to me.

  8. I am on the victim side yet I feel I have adopted some of the sp ‘ s behaviors, namely The controlling and smear campaign as I sought to get the truth and build a suppprt network. I took to playing detective on his social sites, our debts, and contacting his friends and employers because he would lie about his whereabouts and I wanted to find the truth.

    We are separated for 4 days now and I am trying to convince him that a mediator will be cheaper than a full blown litigation. Of course it’s all about how I’ve salted the earth, ratted him out to the cops, made him look bad to is employers. He blames me for friends and family curting him off because i revealed that we have a baby, as well as cleared up a number of lies he had told them and me (i.e., he lied to them about my age, he lied to me and said they had cut us off. His family and i now know that he has segregated us). And I do feel bad about it–but my purpose wasnt to be spiteful, it was to find the truth and figure out how to protect myself and my baby.

    Did any of you go through a period where you seemed to adopt these unhealthy coping mechanisms?

    1. I know what you mean. I went through a rough patch of crazy when I was being gaslighted, and became temporarily off the rails and wanting vengeance. Its human and I think we may need to fight back sometimes for our own sake and need to regain our strength. It was someone I didnt even recognize, I’d never acted like that before. I cant say I’m sorry either for some of the stuff I did as it was pretty miner, and telling the truth was my main act of retaluation and not feeling I owed protection anymore to people who certainly didnt care to protect me. But definatly the best revenge is living well. Doing whatever you can to stabilize and heal and move forward and hit the ball out of the park in your life, thats how you survive and thrive. If only a few people really love you thats ok. Thats enough.

  9. I completely disagree. It CAN get worse. THEY CAN KILL YOU!!! Lol. Unless that just makes them a psychopath and not a sociopath.

    1. Most don’t kill (fortunately) m. But I do agree without conscience when they go into the zone of narcissistic rage they are capable. But .. Most wouldn’t kill. Many are not even violent. Sociopaths prefer to kill and destroying you and your life in another way. Leaving you the victim to pick up the pieces.

    2. I write in the post about sociopath abuse that If someone is violent then this is the most dangerous type of all. To get out as without conscience they could kill. I have dated more than one. The last no way would he kill he would destroy in another way. But I have dated someone I think was very capable of doing so. That type is really scary.

    3. Well my mother, who is clearly a sociopath, last summer, tried to give me poison (arsenic) in some baked goods she made “just for me” (something she hardly ever does), but I only had a little of it and recovered from the sickness it produces. Had I ate all of what she made me, I’d probably would have died from it. This just happened to be right after an incident where she was about to have her triangulation and smear campaigns exposed. Plus she’s afraid I’ll talk about the human sex trafficking she involved me in as a child, which had ties to the local police department at the time. Sociopaths would rather kill someone who is a threat to their image, rather than be exposed for who they are. She threatened to kill me and my husband a couple years ago (I actually have one witness due to a rare glitch in her normal M.O. (which is to only do stuff like that when no one can witness it). So please folks, do not put anything past these sub-human PREDATORS. Also I highly recommend the book by Peter Walker called “C-PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving” for healing from the kinds of mental and emotional trauma that sociopaths and similar individuals can cause. It has been very helpful for me. I am writing something regarding this, which I’ll post on my own blog site in the near future. Best wishes to you all as you recover from the mind and soul manipulations of dealing with these ones.

  10. There is nothing anyone could say to me about anyone of my friends that would make me think any different. I don’t listen to bad talkers. I think for myself. I was with a sociopath and know their wrath of destruction. He played the good guy while deceiving me behind my back. He was monitoring me from day 1. Accessed my emails and fb, read all my personal emails and told me he could read minds. He knew my every move. He lied incessantly to the point of myself wondering what on earth had I moved in with. I realised there was something really weird about him 3 weeks after moving in together and when he asked me to marry him 5 weeks after moving in with him. I said no as I knew he was up to something and I don’t think it was good. He totally under estimated me as a person. They have no care or empathy for anyone. They’re complete opportunists. What happened to just moving on and getting a life? I believe he is capable of anything as he had told me he was.
    He made friends with my ex husband and they both tried to blackmail me for insanity. What words can you use to describe people like this? Its drained me and I feel I can’t trust anyone. I believe he had a couple of my friends acting as disciples for him so they are now not a part of my life. He wanted to know everyone, Information about me but let nothing on about himself or his contacts/friends. He told me he had no friends. It was a ploy to use against me later. Those people you’ll never trust.
    It’s hard to be strong but it’s best to cut contact with what and who makes you feel bad and are bad. Distance and no contact are imperative for self preservation.

  11. When you said he told you he could read minds, my bf has told me that too. Wow this site is really opening my eyes

    1. Yes its all a form of control – just shows how inse cure and fragile they are and an example of what a real man isn’t

  12. At this moment, I have come quite far in my recovery. But the sociopath still has financial control over me. He keeps trying again and again to sabotage my bank accounts and finances, by using his influence on the banks, asking them to withhold my money, etc., he has done a hell lot of damage in my life, terrible smear campaigns, and even forcibly kept me locked for a month in the house, and illegally mixed antipsychotics and sedatives in my food, when I was 19. All this just to keep my mouth shut, and to control me, so that I don’t tell anyone what he has done in the past (horrible things). Guess that’s his fear of exposure. I have recovered quite a lot but somehow he manages to manipulate everyone into believing that I’m the bad guy. Even my mother (she has BPD) wouldn’t support me as she is helpless against the sociopath since he has ruined her too. And for the record, that sociopath is my “father”. I’m 21 at this time. Any help or advice would be appreciated.

    1. Hi Avaa, welcome to the site.

      Are you still living at home with your parents? I know you are only 21, but getting to your own place, might help you, or if you have someone to stay with, so you can at least think for yourself.

  13. I still question myself. Did he love me? I could swear he did. Everything he Is doing to me now proves otherwise. Still I question it!

    1. Mama he might have thought a lot of you at the time. But it is more in the realms of ownership possession and control. When they don’t want to own it anymore they let it go. Just like people let possessions go. It is no reflection on you or your self worth. This is a reflection of him and he will be the same with someone in the future too.

    2. I know what you mean. I questioned if that person had loved me at least a little. He claimed after he used and played me that he had some feelings of love for me, but he was lying to himself that he actually wanted to be with me. For awhile I could go either way, in thinking he cared. Eventually, I was emotionally abused so bad, and called whore so many times, I no longer gave any credence to anything he said. His cruelty was off the hook, and I could see there was really something wrong with him. He’d never had a relationship and I hoped no other woman suffered what I did in trying to be anything to him.

      1. Don’t take to heart the stupid words that he said. It is not a true reflection of you. Think of the things he said to lure you in in the beginning that is closer to the truth.

      2. Thanks. I never thought of it that way. Fortunately, I had a life to step back into because I can totally see how a person could fall apart and go down the toobs with this mind rape. Im just going to keep on holding my head up high no matter what those people say about me.

  14. Oh my goodness, like many others, this is my story too. I’ve been in denial about my ex being a SP. I’m still recovering from the betrayal, he is now best friends with my ex-best friend of 8 years, they share such this close bond on facebook and what not, funny thing is they are in two completely diff states. She valued her “close bond” as what she calls it with my ex over years of friendship with me….Im still crushed and I hate him sometimes more so than love. He already dated one of my old friends, and he knew it would get back to me, but I didn’t react to it. I wished him well, …I guess that ticked him off. He treated that old friend like shit, and one day I get a call about some behavior between my best friend and him that is suspicious. I was furious as how the news got back to me, and all I wanted my so called friend to realize was that I don’t want him in my life, and he’s managed to attach himself somehow near me. Now they are the best of friends, its insane, she was a big part of my life….and now I can’t even have her in it because of him. He preys on vulnerability….I get it and I see it , and I was hoping that she would see his agenda. But she hasn’t, and although she claims that its strictly platonic…I know he will try to seduce her…I read the messages saying his day wasn’t right because he hadn’t talked to her…what friends do you know say mess like that?…he is still mad that I won’t go back to him, I wonder will he go as far as to try n date her. Here I’ll be watching behind the scenes, hoping she’ll wake up. I miss her alot.

  15. Every definition of this fantasy icon has no causation. There is no defect or significant physical detected imbalance in the human anatomy, for these fantasy icons. Everyone has their own variation. The descriptions are often ambiguous, open to confirmation bias and impression. There is no causation or existing defect to even create a logical grouping of symptoms. The ‘symptoms’ are also being assumed based off bias impression of what one alleges someone did. The ‘symptoms’ are ambiguous criteria derived from a persons impression.

    Actually, it is only the victims or patients, so to speak, that list the signature and very specific traits and MO’s of these types. You can asses David Parker Ray’s psych brainwash manual, as a start. Many of these types, are ‘counselors’. There is a reason why the ‘counselors’ fail to expose the MO’s and signature traits, along with adding vague and ambiguous ‘symptoms’ that can even be applied to the victim or people who are not these types.

    Again, they are the types that are fixated on what things appear to be. As long as something appears to be something, all is ok. Truth and reality does not matter, it’s what things appear to be.

    “It will appear the she/he is ‘mentally unstable” but really it was me that took advantage of their vulnerability and if they keep taking those pills they will be an entire object that represents me. I can also use that object after my treatment really sets in, and write about them as if I am the competent god if the mind, and get more status gain”.-nurser of the mind.

    These types gain sense of control by controlling others with emotions and private sensitive knowledge about them. Approval and other mind games are a big lever for them. They are more passive and patient with their MO’s. (Slow, steady, prolonged-passive, secretive, well planned) They gain the levers and control through talking and or counseling. They tend to keep it like a secret control. They like little secrets and like you to ‘read in between the lines, so to speak.

    The most deceptive of these types are woman, as they have more orbital frontal lobe tissue to modulate amygdala, way less testosterone and don’t have the same alpha male drives as men. Pity and sympathy tends to be more assumed, with woman and less suspicious. Most of our serious male killer tortures, were seriously brainwashed and dictated by their mother. The Gaines case is one of many examples. Gaines was a ‘patient’ vehicle of his mother.

    In a nutshell your dealing with a grown up more practiced, calculating and methodical version of the middle school bully.

  16. He caused me a lot of confusion… One day he loves me, two weeks later, he doesn’t want me… Next week, he’s so lonely… That weekend, he’s flirting in front of me… The next night he’s talking about how there are plenty of hot women for him to pick from… I cry and ask him why he would do and say such things… He gets mad and threatens to walk away. I cry and apologize and beg him not to go (like a dummy). Then he says he has fantasies of me… (I did admit dreaming of him, but by the time the dreams started, he already had control)… Then he says something about a girl liking him… then denies saying it. Then the cycle starts again (not always in that order, but the same stuff). Add to that the “friend”. Add to that the names he’d call me. Now fights, because he’s not being considerate of my feelings… and now more names, and more threats to walk away.
    One day he calls, makes the pity play, “No one cares about me… No one understands my situation…” Then I try to explain to him that I’ve cared about him the whole time–he sort of dismisses that, “Oh, other than you.” Then, “I love hearing your voice… I’ve taped our conversations… But I swear I won’t tell.” Our private conversations. About my feelings… his feelings (or so I thought…. I could never tell, and gave up trying to tell). My most vulnerable moments. Without my permission. I was horrified.
    “I want you to be my girl… I want to make a baby with you… I want to take you… And you know you want me to take you… Say it.”
    It felt like rape in a phone conversation. I really didn’t want to say it. I cried. Then he went on about how great he would make me feel, what he would do, and how after the first time, I’d want more…
    All that time, I hadn’t slept with him… Was he attractive? Yes. Was I curious about how he would be, how he would feel? At one time, Yes. Curious enough to actually go all the way there, to sleep with him? …No. After being yo-yo’d emotionally, all the tears I cried over his ways… No. I can’t. I try to buy myself time to think. “Whoa, wait… I don’t think we should… I don’t think I should…” He starts to get angry. “You’re so fake! It’s your fault I’m having thoughts of you! YOU’RE the one messing with MY head!” he yells at me. We fight. He calls me more names and hangs up in my face. I begin to worry, cry, and call him back. Just like he wanted. “Woman, I don’t want to talk you right now.”
    “I’m sorry,” I cry. “I’ll be your girl, but can we please hold off on the other stuff?”
    “Either you love me, or you don’t.” Translation: “My way… or I dump you.”
    “I do love you… but please, one thing at a time… It’s just not time for that yet.”
    The next day… “I’m lonely.”
    “Do you want me to come over?”
    “It would be nice… Come see me.”
    But when I get there… He doesn’t really pay me any mind… He’s texting the “friend”… and then…
    “Babygirl, I think we should just be friends.”
    Again with this?
    “I want to take you… but it’s like there’s something blocking me from doing that… like an invisible wall… I can’t get at you like I want to.”

    Then he proceeds to point out my flaws for the umpteenth time… Once again, it’s not his fault. It never is. I kiss him, tell him I love him, and begin to head back home. Still didn’t sleep with him (thankfully).

    That same night, I dreamed he disappeared. A week later, “Sweetheart, I’m not coming back.” He was gone. I felt very lost.

    I made the following mistakes a month later:
    >Trying to get closure from him (Was it all a lie?)
    >Losing my cool when he began to speak ill of my friends and family, saying they didn’t think much of him, they don’t care, etc. I called B.S on that like lightning.

    I said these two things were mistakes. I quickly began to see why they were:
    >First he said I was making up stuff… “You’re making it up!” “You’re psycho…”
    >Then threatened to start telling people about our most private conversations… the very thing he repeatedly swore he would never do to me, no matter how bad things became between us.
    >Then he started (he says), to one of my closest friends.
    So far, he has (he says) already bad-mouthed me to at least one of my friends… and threatened to bad-mouth me to more of them (he says).

    If he really did what he said he would do to me (spreading this^^^), did he do it to “put me in my place”? To “shut me up”?

    What the heck sort of person did I give my heart to?

    And what can I do now?

  17. Thankyou! I’ve been stuggling with this aspect the last week. I’ve tried to contact some people, after giving them space for afew months. I was met with silence. It infuriated me! Letting go now….

    1. I know it is really painful. I find that they enjoy targetting ‘aquaintences’ knowing that tie can easily be damaged and broken. Leading you to place higher importance than what it is (as it wasn’t you that did it, and also it’s unlikely you would get those people stand up for you)

  18. Why don’t people understand this? I’ve had a sociopath run a smear campaign against me and turn an entire community against me which I had staked my entire life around. It doesn’t just stop with strangers, but friends whom I’ve known most of my life, and most devastatingly of all, my family. They could have taken simple steps to end it, but their gluttony for gossip and self-righteous self approval is overwhelming, it would seem. I can’t even bear to be around them anymore. I’d rather be on my own. I cant help but laugh sometimes. I used to be a very popular person. I think i’ll walk away from the lot once I get my health back on track. And I mean – the lot. It’s just too hard.

    1. I like the way you said it, gluttony for gossip and self approval. Alot of people do have a need to see themselves as better than, and a bunch of shit talk feeds that need. Something ive noticed too, is a weird loyalty that some people have for those that totally dont deserve it. Thats one I haven’t figured out yet. Maybe its just the path of least resistance, and they value popularity over ethics.

  19. I lived with one of these sickos for 9 months in LA I’m back in my home town in Fl . He’s started the smear campaign and has gone as far as saying he’s coming to slice my throat and my family. I’m filling a restraining order against him . I’m ready to fall apart this is so crazy I’m 46 he’s 57 so I guess he’s had a lot of time to perfect his self at this !

  20. 12 years I spent with this man. I now see how he played me the entire time. Making me think he was the kindest most loving man; the love of my life. He was everything my Ex wasn’t. He kept a job, even though I made more money. He adored me and showed me off in public because I was (as told by others) very beautiful and charismatic. That was what he wanted me for. He was a cheater, although he couldn’t watch a movie or TV show about cheating because it upset him so bad. His father had been a cheater and it had scarred him badly…right. Other men were impressed by me and he flirted with other insecure needy women who wanted him because he had me. I never suspected a thing. He made me need him in every way. I never had to do anything that he could do for me because he “took care of me”. The last 3 years have been hell. He ruined me emotionally, psychologically and financially. He began to allow me to find clues. Small at first then unbelievably huge, all the while telling me I was crazy and that he didn’t see anything. He had women in our house while I was asleep. He was and is deeply into extreme BDSM. I found tools used for this, he made ridiculous excuses and lied so well even though I knew it was a lie I didn’t know how to not believe him. My own mother even asked me if this was all in my head. It was all so horrible I couldn’t believe it. I even got a glimpse of a women running out of our house and he told me I didn’t see it. It didn’t happen. He spied on me with software on my computer, he knew everything I did so he could get away with more and more “dupping”. I have been out of the house for 3 months. He told me he didn’t want to be married to me anymore because I had falsely accused him and become so crazy he couldn’t stand it. Yet he will not leave me alone. I am working on getting free. Coming back from the absolute ruin he made out of my life is the hardest thing I have ever done and I am not there yet. He still won’t leave me alone and then tells me that it is me that won’t leave him alone. I am fighting for my life. Many of my friends think I am crazy and have treated him horribly. All of his work colleagues either tell him to get the hell away from me or pity me for being crazy. I am in the midst of this horror story and just starting to see the truth finally! God help me on this journey. I still have far to go but can see a light at the end of the tunnel at last. This site has helped me so much. I still use it as support. I need all I can get.

  21. With people like this, closure isnt going to be closure, its going to be opening yourself up for more emotional abuse. I made that same mistake and it nearly destroyed me. I gave him the gun to shoot me by revealing my feelings in an attempt at closure. I guess I did some good out of it, becauseI discovered and faced the ddepth of his cruel callous and empty soul. There were no more excuses I could make for him or any romantiscing I could do about what we were. But it was so painful it was so not worth what it cost. Except that I’m able to still love and am secure with someone whi does really love me, and importantly would never treat someone like that. He would allways tread carefully with someones heart, wether he was in love with them or not. Thats the kind of man you want.

      1. I still dont trust as much as I used to. I have lost alot of faith in people in general. I dont necessarily view that as a bad thing though, as I was probably too trusting before. Ive found that very few people are worthy of giving your trust to these days. Im happy to keep my circle small and dont give a damn about popularity. Ive definatly made some enemies by standing up and fighting back . I wear itvas a badge of honour!

  22. This post of yours in particular has helped me so much in getting back to a normal life. It has been two years since the last sociopath — and there have been a few in my life since the beginning — and when I look back, seeing this post again, I remember how it was like sale to my soul the first time I read it. It feels the same now. I do not know how I found your site, except that I was desperate then and was looking everywhere for help. Thank you so much for the work that you do. I’m not completely healed yet, but I’m getting close.

  23. It is a real relief to find a place to vent and see that youre not alone in being purposely duped and demeaned, and then tormented by their minions. It doesnt feel like a normal break up(which are bad enough), and seems to take forever to get over. In fact I believe it leaves some scars that maybe dont go away. But even if scarred and bruised up, you can see yourself making progress in time and look back at the old you, and really want to give her a big hug.

  24. This article explains what has happened in my life. I am so grateful to have found this.
    I grew up with a mother who has HPD and narcissism. My childhood was hell. At the age of 18, I met and married a man who was 6 years older than me. While I was just graduating from high school, he had already graduated from college and was working in his family’s business. He totally love bombed me and even managed to talk me out of college, claiming he couldn’t wait that long. He had a big name in a small town. IMAGE was everything to him.
    9 months after we were married, he cheated with one of my best friends. In our home, while I was sleeping in the next room. I found out because he TOLD me in order to clear his conscience. Today, I know this was nothing more than cruelty on his part.
    For 20 years, he was a serial cheater. For most of those years, divorce wasn’t an option in my mind based on religious reasons and the 3 children we created together.

    But things were reaching a boiling point. I knew a divorce was inevitable if I wanted to keep my sanity. And I couldn’t handle that. I started going out a lot, partying with friends, something I had NEVER done. In retrospect, I think I was finally living out those early years, the college years I never had.

    This became his reason to file for divorce. And while the divorce itself didn’t devastate me, the effects of all of this on my children did. And THIS is where the smear campaign started. My actions overrode the many affairs, the subtle cruelty throughout the years and the lies. There were SO many lies on his part.

    He very adroitly made the divorce all about me because he couldn’t handle family and some close friends knowing he was cheating bastard. The guilty I felt for my own actions was an open door for him. Establishing a smear campaign was easy. And it EXPLODED.

    While I was going through one of the most devastating times of my life, my own family started inviting him AND his girl friend who was sleeping with him while we were still married to family events. And then trashed me when I refused to attend.

    I watched my children go from loving to hating me. I watched them walk away from me and choose to ignore my existence. The ex’s new wife was in their life far more than I was. We had joint custody. It was a joke. Even when they did spend time with me, it was always short because their father planned things purposely to keep them away.

    For more than 3 years, I tried. Every day broke my heart. The ex would purposely drive by with the new wife and my kids in the car. The worst? When he drove by one Christmas morning. Nothing got better, no matter what I said of did.

    I finally chose to move, to leave town. It was either do that or lose my mind. And THAT turned into me “deserting my children”. The children I had lost long before.

    4 years after the divorce, I met a man who did the whole love bombing thing all over again. And I fell for it, hook, line and sinker, AGAIN.

    He was a crack addict who was in recovery, which I didn’t know until he relapsed after the birth of our son, my youngest child. Life became a living hell. Within a couple of years I was trying to get away from him. I packed a house in 3 days and moved across county with my son. A year later, he showed up.

    And my family immediately took his side. When I had him arrested for domestic violence, they bailed him out, choosing to believe him when he said I was lying.

    When I had him arrested for stealing my debit card and taking thousands of dollars out of my account, they bailed him out AGAIN.

    Because he told them the money was for drugs, for both of us. And they believed him.

    My ex had the world believing I was an alcoholic. And this knew that. He turned that into “she’s a crack addict”. Mind you, I have no police record, have never, ever tried these drugs or acted like I was on drugs. NONE of that mattered. I’m a person who has always been blunt. I hate lying and don’t do it. It’s disrespectful to myself and others. Yet, people choose to believe I lie about everything.

    Long after I finally did get away from him, the smear campaign continued. And all along, my own mother has been at the epicenter. Since she’s the matriarch, the others blindly followed along.

    This nightmare started more than 20 years ago. More than a year ago, I chose to move back around family, still have hope that change was still possible. I was wrong. My children treat me like some eccentric old aunt, my sisters make it clear they merely tolerate me and my invitations to family functions are few and far between. If I bring any of this up, I’m accused of not letting go of the past. What they don’t see is that I’m still LIVING that past. My children have married and look at me the same way everyone else does.

    I’ve made choices over the last several weeks. Be they my children, my siblings or my parents, these are NOT people I want to be around. It’s true. People who really love you accept you as you are because they actually SEE you for the person you are rather than falling for what someone else says. I cannot change how these people see me and I’m done wasting energy trying to make that happen. I’m done being always on the outside looking in. I deserve better than that.

    I have no faith, no hope, no expectations. And this has brought on a grieving process. The death of hope is a very real thing. I’m in my late 50’s and I’m starting a whole new life. And I’ll be very careful as to who I let in.

  25. I have had this feeling long long ago about friends starting to disappear, then family losing touch.. That was years ago. And now after going from one thought of reasoning to the next…to the next.. then to the current idea of them being a Narc. Has to be because so much of this is like “deja-vu.” I’m no angel myself and made mistakes and said horrible horrible things that I am now aware of after researching and learning. Makes me feel so uncertain, in confident with my thoughts and beliefs, and detached from even myself. Maybe I am a narc too in a way but I see a lot of the damage I’ve received does mirror many of the comments here. Also I don’t see me causing any and doing any that are listed here. Conflicted, sure but not sure. Feeling alone and crazy. That feeling that you know your friends and family are not acting like they have acted like ever before. Then in desperation you ask them if they have heard or seen any horrible things of that nature being told. Almost all asked seem to have similar responses of no, which makes me think the stuff is soooooooo Horrible they keep the truth from me in fear that I cannot handle it. Especially if they have witnessed my behavior as of late which gives off a crazy look. But I have to admit I have pushed them away and been distant so It all might just be in my head. Lost everything even my health. The more I read about other individuals affected by narcs provides me more comfort, understanding, and a view for the future which is becoming more n more visible. Thank you to those who share! I too share in the struggle. Personal reflection has provided me comfort when learning more about myself, as well as recalling the past and what kind of person I used to be. That’s best I can offer right now; DON’T FORGET WHO YOU USED TO BE!

    Slowly Piecing Back The Heart;

    1. Patrick I am going through a similar situation. There has been so much negativity in my life that I have taken a lot of this on board and become a person I don’t like. Nothing, though, excuses the psychological terror campaign launched against me. I have been through every scenario and my mind is in constant loops trying to understand the why??

      I have finally put myself into therapy and although my psychologist really doesn’t believe or understand exactly what has been done, her advice is to stop trying to work out the why and instead concentrate on making myself better. I’m not sure how much of my own behavior has caused my family to turn against me, but I do know at least two members have set out to cause me mental anguish, whether for punishment or for fun I don’t know. All I can do is to grow and change and start again. If the love is still there they will come around.

      1. GrownUpChild,
        Off subject with my curious question pertaining to your “pen-name” for this site. Does your name state that you are grown up from being a child or does it state that you feel like a grown up that still is a child? Just Curious. A great and valued friend of mine told me a quote he loves “A man thinketh so is he.” -James Allen I believe originally quoted that. Bible as well.
        I agree, Also seems like the universal standard approach and response by the therapeutic community; “concentrate on oneself to better heal and learn through growth.” Only thing really one can do because we only have control over our own lives. “Why” is a natural question we are born with. Don’t beat yourself up on asking why on something important to you; How else do we learn if we don’t ask why. It’s only the other party members fault in knowing why and not providing it. Trouble there is accepting that fact and moving on. Perhaps a way to do that is using your best reason that makes sense, apply it for your needs, accept it, then move on.
        Every situation can be similar in one aspect or another but they can also be so very different. I personally feel what your therapist and the rest of the therapeutic community is very much correct due to the fact I have used a lot of my time on exactly that, which has been quite a bit of time. As a result I feel on a new level of maturity and can now easily view myself as an adult. There is also no harm in being aware of it I believe. I don’t know how long you have been working on yourself or how long ago your therapist gave you that advice, it really doesn’t matter the length of time, but if you recently got this advice and are currently working on it then I wish you the best of luck on that journey to enlightenment. As for your two relatives, I am so very sorry to hear that ones considered so close to the caring heart are being this way to you. SHAME on them, and sounds like they too need some professional help. Not for healing but for dissolving the demons in them so to speak. The questions when it comes to that are, where do you see your future relationship with them whether they get help or not? Is it worth it to you to heal that connection or should you just break free from it, even if it hurts you so much to do so? How do you feel about their actions and can you excuse/forgive it? They may still have love, but do you still have love for them? Those are just a few, I’m quite sure there are many more you can use to help your situation. It is frustrating not knowing why, because through understanding is how we learn; and learning leads to growth and bettering oneself. All in all, yes it is essential to move on. I do agree to work on yourself and bettering yourself to not only benefit you but also the ones in your life that you care about. I do disagree about moving on with unanswered questions or concerns. I believe that shoving that to the side and not dealing with that just creates a ticking time bomb that will later surface just to impact far worse than before. Just TRULY accept the best logical reason your instinct or gut tells you and then move on.
        I do want to bring to your attention that all of this advice is through personal experience and what I believe. Can’t say any of it is truly certain or fact. But its been working for me as of late. I thank you for replying directly to me. Something so meaningful and important, I would love to ask your name. is my email if you feel that you enjoy and benefit supporting each other during these difficult, yet seemingly necessary times. Of course you are most welcome to just reply at this site also. All-in-all Thank you and good luck!

        Patrick B.

      2. Grownupchild; I replied back to you on the 29th. Not sure if it went directly to you or not at all… Guess I am checking with this post to see if it shows up or not. Apologies.

  26. Grownupchild; It seems to me that you did not get my original reply on the 29th 😦 Thank you for responding directly towards me with your advice. Gave me a feeling of importance, or I had a feeling of stronger connection..Not entirely sure anymore.. I am glad that my original reply of agree and my contact info in hopes to work together with sharing advice along with it did not get back to you because in the last day or two, I have come to realize after researching that I most likely have a couple personality disorders. Maybe she also is a sociopath but now I’m not sure anymore; and it may have just all been in my head and just…… Us humans are confusing…
    I did not want to be rude and not respond to your kind supportive reply. I do enjoy your “pen-name,” recently I do feel like a grown up that is actually a child. I am deeply sorry for wasting yours as well as others time and space here, as I believe the problem was/is me, and that I need to find another place to relate. I hope I can find the courage as you did to finally go into a professional therapy environment. Probably my personality disorder creates some sort of fear of it for me; not entirely sure.
    Best of luck to everyone dealing with these difficulties, pain and suffering, confusions, and misfortunes. I truly wish you all a successful journey to becoming yourself again; or even better, who you used to be with a little extra. Thank you and again I’m sorry.


  27. I’m going crazy with all this paranoia… I now think grownupchild is someone I know in real life… More I think about it; Makes me see more similarities as if it is my situation being referred to… I had moved in with two family members while ago and have been back in forth in my head about them…. and everyone else… Plus the direct response to me rather than the group… I probably am not making any sense… anyone who might understand, do you see it? …..Exhausted…….

  28. the sociopath will even go so far as to take lies into courtrooms. The sociopath is not necessarily your husband, it can be your wife, your parent and even your child. The blood ties are devastating in what may feel worse than a spouse. If it’s your patent you can spend your entire life wondering what you did wrong. If it’s your child, you can be left alone with the thought “I gave birth to this person, I’ve loved and will always love this child, bit HOW did this happen?” The sociopath will even reach to strike by hurting someone you love so horribly, that they try to hurt themselves. They can even tell a lie so big that you find yourself dealing with Police, Child Protective Serices, Courts and even get you or another person you love thrown in jail.

    You realize that you can’t fight back, you can’t undo their web of lies because they were so cunning in their deceit that no-one believes you. They laid seeds of doubt long before they struck! If this person is family, it can even leave you without friend OR Family. You may be thinking that your life is over… It is. Life as you knew it IS over. Now you have to build a new life out of thin air. The HARDEST part is trying to understand HOW or WHY did someone do this, and how in the world did they get away with it? It incomprehensible!!!

    1. Hi Mistress, absolutely agree with you. Yes, it is unbelievable what they do, how they do it, and just how in the hell they get away with it….. how they make you the real victim appear to be the assailant. I am sorry that you have been through this. Yes, life as you knew it is kind of over. But sometimes this is a good thing! 🙂 I am always hopeful that karma will catch up with their sorry ass….

  29. I am a man experiencing a relentless smear campaign from a former female friend. It is a nightmare. I live in a small community. It’s making my life hell.

  30. Hello
    I am amazed how alike these demon narcissists are. I am also
    Trying to survive a smearing that has gone on for 3 plus years now.
    Although it is nothing short of hell on earth , what is now beyond what I can take is that my 13 yr old son that I share custody of with my
    Narc. is being hurt . I kept quiet , do not antagonize or react to him.
    I keep no contact as much as possible while sharing custody . (Which ,needless to say , only due to big lies , was he able to get any custody at all . )His complete lack of attention to our child while we were together was disgusting . Then suddenly , he pretends to be
    not only a great father, but according to him , I did nothing and he pretty much raised our son himself … unbelievable!
    But what amazes me is how he is able to convince people of his lies .
    He totally convinces most people
    That he is the victim . Amqzing how people will believe what a narc says as opposed to what they saw with their own eyes. These covert narcissists are truly evil .
    I wish everyone peace.
    Obviously we are not alone .

    1. I jalyn i write about sociopaths on this site. Sounds like yours might have been one too. Sociopaths are pathological liars. Manipulative and deceptive. They can cause utter carnage destruction to your life.

    2. JaLyn, I’ve been dealing with a sociopath who was my wife’s 1st husband, he’s had 11 wives so far and I guess my now x will be his 12th wife also.
      What you said about people believing the narc as opposed to you is something that is disturbing to me as I’ve dealt with this in other areas as well as with the nut job grabbing for my wife and winning.
      Once I told my landlord there was a bear in the area, he told me “no way”. It took the rancher down the road to tell him there was a bear around. Many other times when I know I’m telling the truth yet people simply refuse to believe me. What does it take…a court order.
      I’m a real Boy Scout and part of the Boy Scout law reads, “A scout is Trustworthy” and I’ve lived by that as a standard and it’s very frustrating to have people shine you on yet they believe a liar.
      Anyway the sociopath was to clever for me and he got my wife to just never come home from her hair appointment. Huge Bummer.

  31. Ive recently figured out that the family I grew up with and found myself drawn to were this way. Never understood it and always found myself alone trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I always felt I was different from them being open-minded, loving, caring and always trying to help everyone. Growing up with it makes you feel crazy like. You dont belong and when you become an adult you still find yourself drawn to it. My first girlfriend ended with walking in on her in bed with my best friend and her chasing me out the door saying let me explain nothing happened, please dont leave me I need you. She grabbed my sleeve to my coat and wouldnt let go. I made it outside down the stars where I kept asking her please let me go im done. Anyways I end up after an hour or so of this I just rip my coat from her grip and she falls on her but on the bottom step. 2 hours later get a phone call from the police saying it would be in my best interest if I came back to the house they had to speak with me. When I arrive and walk in theres 2 cops taking her statement. I sit at the kitchen table and the officers take my statement. I told them exactly what happened and all they say is ” we see this all the time im not taking your statement until you start telling the truth” . I said I did tell you the truth. They read me her statement and well judging by when I walked in seeing her all bruised up and black eye even, grip marks around her neck and around her wrists I just knew what the police thought and how it looked. Ended with a full restraining order and when the cops asked her if she wanted me arrested she said no and the cops told me wow if it was my choice id have you locked up. He even slammed me into the wall in the hallway walking me out and screamed in my face yelling how much of a piece of sh*t I was and many other things. She cheated on me many times and stayed with her. I just always fell for it every time. Firts being blamed for “you know I would never do that to you ” “how dare you accuse me of that” “im not dealing with” “its not my fault you have trust issues” always left me feeling guilty even all the proof in the world. First time she cheated I ended up getting a walk through from the guy step by step what happened . Kinda messed up. But after 2weeks of not talking to her she came begging for me back and promising it would never happen again. Anyways thats just my first girlfriend .

    I grew up watching my mother get beat so I swore id never lay my hand on any female unless it was to just restrain her to just get her to stop hitting me. Thats the furthest ive gone. She wanted me to choke her and hit her in bed but couldnt find myself to do it. We had kids and basically she did what she did for that full restraining order so she could move out of state and suck the life out of me with child support and keep the kids from me. She still to this day haunts me.

    After 5 years single tryed commuting suicide a few times. Basically went crazy, felt helpless and alone. Started believing that I was a monster like she made me out to be. I was with my kids for the first 3 years of there life’s and couldnt live with knowing I couldnt see them every day let alone a year.

    After getting myself back together trying to just live my life I worked very hard doing all the rite things and focusing on making my life better and being the good kind person I have always been I end up meeting my last now ex girlfriend and well she painted the perfect picture got me to fall in love with her and after a year started seeing that her actions didnt match her words time and time again. Well again stuck it out just wanting to believe the best. Towards the end she admits to cheating on me 2 years in blaming me saying we were fighting and she was drunk and her best friend incuraged her some how got me to believe it was my fault. She said it would never happen again. Meanwhile she found out my email account passward and smart phones these days google play automatically live tracks you so basically nights she would leave work with a co worker she would just check was. Sill dont understand why other then maybe he lived close or maybe times she had the house all to herself she just had him over and just had sex in my bed. Only thing that would explaine some of the wierd cleaning sprees and over kindness. She made it very clear she is now with that guy from work even the night I left she had him over in my bed. So yeah basically took the bed next night all the while trashing me to everyone even to my own mother wich turns out every fight we ever had she ran to my mother telling her side even though I mostly kept to myself and didnt want to ruin the relationship over making every fight publicly known. She had that grate way of twisting her story’s.

    Anyways main reason I wanted to make a post was if you feel like you may be getting stalked just incase you might want to change your email password that you have linked you your phone. I noticed there were days where my phone would go from full charge to dead in the matter of 4 hours and not even using it. You can also check in gmail account settings (activities) history I think. You can view everything from youtube history to everything you’ve searched in google. When there you can singly select (viewed your map timeline) the only way for it to get logged is if you physically viewed it.

  32. Can relate to all above..! Currently happening to me from I’ve started to expose my ex for what they are..! Pathological liar..! Really dangerous,,evil people..! Use children as weapons..! Use courts without a second thought..! My story in short : Why did I not see no wrong : My story with my now ex began about 10 years ago and only recently ended last year and after explaining my day to day life to a friend he made me aware of narcissism and I started to read up on it and I agree with 99% of everything I’ve read to date! How did I not see it but I considered things to be normal and I thought we had it all! Things began to change after our first child arrived! I basically gave up my social life with any friends through constant pressure and arguing when I went out over the door even for a short time! I got accused of cheating when in reality I couldn’t possibly do so and had no desire to do so! When our first child arrived things were fine for a while, for a few years! We had all we wanted and had a good life together until my now ex started flirting on social media and I thought something didn’t feel right! I confronted her about this and the other person involved! On doing so I was kicked to the kerb and my now ex and the other person started to constantly be in each other’s homes and company! I was totally blanked and cold shouldered for months then all of a sudden I’m getting messages from my now ex stating she was suffering depression and the other person totally off the scene and both of them walking past each other in the street! Me and my now ex worked things out again and when I questioned her on what happened she became confrontational and dismissed my questions so I didn’t get any sort of answer or anywhere! We got back together and again I bent over backwards and did everything for her and would’ve given her my last! She went out with no objection from me at all while I minded our wee girl whereas if I was to say I was going out it would’ve caused uproar so I never did! Things seemed okay for another load of years until just over 2 years ago a week after telling me she was pregnant with our second child she moved into a house and within a week of doing so I heard via my 8 year old child that she had another guy in her bed! I confronted her and it couldn’t be denied nor did she try to do so! As before that relationship lasted no more than a month and we again worked things out for our second child coming along and again when I tried to question what happened and how etc. she became confrontational and my questions swept under the carpet so I got very little answers to anything at all! Every day I did most things while she sat on social media! I took my child to school every day and picked her up! I tidied the house, looked after our wee boy, cooked! You name it, I did it! There was nothing I did not do for her day and daily! My family bent over backward for her and would’ve given her anything with not like myself as much as a thanks! The word sorry never existed! She did not know them words! My life every day was like walking on eggshells with the slightest conversation turning into at times me getting talked down to and her biting my nose off! In the past year from we’ve broke up the really nasty words she’s used are things a normal person would not call people! Every time we fell out the argument could go on for weeks and no matter how I tried to get my point across it wasn’t valid and so dismissed as wrong! I would try to put an end to any fall out quick but she just would keep arguing! From we’ve broke up the lies she says and has made up are unreal! We were together one day to me within weeks being slowly cold shouldered and isolated to the point now we do not have any contact at all! It’s as if I don’t exist nor I ever did! I gave my all and got nothing back in return! I have nothing to show for those 10 wasted years! My now ex constantly on break-ups used my 2 kids against me and constantly stopped me having access till I had no choice to take her through family court and got a good result! Regarding my kids I opened child maintenance cases but she refuses my money and then tells people I don’t provide for my kids! No matter how much help I’ve offered for whatever is refused! My wee girl has a 45 minute walk to and from school in all weather as she refuses my offer to take her to school or bring her home! All done to portray me as a bad person to family and her very small circle of friends of which there’s only two! It was always her way or the highway! 24/7 attention was required and if things didn’t go her way everyone suffered! She has my wee girl scared to wave at her granny if in the street! My wee girl looks at her for approval as she does when she sees me in the street! I would not wish for anyone to ever end up with a person like her! The most evil people anyone can come across or be around! She hasn’t a good word to say about many people and just uses people for her own means and gains! Evil in its worst form and I hope I never fall for it again! I am now trying to piece my life back together and pick up the broken pieces! These monsters are evil in its purest form! No matter what you do for them nothing is appreciated or enough! They just take everything for granted and bleed you dry! Users until you are no longer useful to them then they’ll totally cut you out of their lives with not a second thought and find another victim! My ex has been through a few from we split up but she’s not able to hook them in! My children are caught in between and she doesn’t see the damage she’s doing to them or care how they feel! She’s my wee girl scared to approach my family members or me in the street without first looking at her! These monsters will use children as weapons just to have the power and control over even after break-up as the case with myself has been! They don’t have any empathy or feelings about how others feel! Users of the highest order and they will never change their ways if given the chance! They don’t see what they do as wrong and they always believe they’re right! You’ll be banging your head off a brick wall with them if you try to reason with them and make them see they’re wrong! They’ll exhaust you! Really dangerous, evil people! Walk away! They never change! I hope my story helps a bit in showing how these monsters tick..!

    1. That is such a horrific situation. You sound strong from going through it though! I’m so sorry you had to go through it, I cannot even understand how people can do such things.. no conscience, no care in the world. I hope things work out for you, I really do.

  33. I have done this years ago and got no where. Everytime I complain about this person I see less and less of my kids. My kids and are suffering because off it.
    There is a smear campain against me. It’s hell on earth. For me and my kids.
    Do you still think I should report it? I want my kids back and the only way that could be possible is to be nice to this person.

  34. I’m going through this with my ex right now and I’m pregnant. It’s been horrific! He has been so horrible.. twisting things I had told him in confidence when were together, saying I have abortions with every man I get with, I steal money off of every man I get with, I’m suicidal… a liar, a cheat.. it hurts me that people would believe such lies.. the stress has had an effect on my unborn baby girl. I don’t sleep at night, I’m so scared of going outside.. all his friends have been told so many lies and they’ve made my life hell. He even had the cheek to tell me ‘I was the biggest liar ever, I was that crazy I believed my own lies.’ When I said ‘where is your proof for any of this?’ He just said simply ‘I need no proof.’ I’ve never felt so empty, lonely or destroyed in my life.. also he’s left me to bring up our daughter alone. All the rumours he and his friend’s have created are just so he doesn’t look bad at not being a part of his daughter’s life. He’ll be the death of me I swear.

  35. Smear campagins should be abolished. it’s an attack on a inercant person. It not only destroys that persons life but also her children’s. It violates their lives her carerictor her good name her reputation her self esteem her family life finences every part of her life every day for years and years. The damage is so sever that she never recovers from it. And it’s all lies everything is a lie. All because of some psycho. Who wants to take everything she has. Her (wealth) by taking her kids he gets to have the house business cars money the lot. It’s a crime but no one is supporting me because every one is too busy believing in his lies or excepted some sort of bribe like my lawyers not to support me. Plus extracted huge amount of my money.
    All because of greed and being an evil monster.
    I don’t know what I did to this person to hate me so much. When I gave him all the love in the world and did everything I could to have a perfect family life.
    How stupid was I ? It cost me my kids and at list half a million dollars in financial losses. Not to mention my health. What a wast of time an effort for all those years of hard work and going without. I got nothing out of it. My ex and the lawyers got the lot. No justice in this world. I’m very hurt and disappointed.

    1. Plus putting up with all the abuse from him for years alcohol drugs other women. His tamper still tried to make my marriage work because we had kids together. I did not want my kids to come from a broken home.

  36. I’m a guy who has been targeted due to toxic relationships, I wasnt perfect and I warned my partners I had issues with trust, I was persued and when the relationship went bad they sought a way to slander me so they appeared innocent. It’s easy to trigger me and get a reaction they played on this. It started online and spread to my work place, and even to my family, it got to the point where my devices were followed someone has even entered my property and tampered with food, the best part everyone thinks I am the sick one, it’s basically impossible to get help when everyone is against you believing something untrue.

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