Do Sociopaths knowingly plan all of their actions? Do they know what they are doing?

I had asked on my Facebook Page, if there was anything that somebody would like me to write about, and somebody asked me the question:

do they know/realize what they are doing…do they knowingly plan all of their actions?

 psychopath mask

When I came out of the relationship with the last sociopath, this was a question, that I had asked myself. After all, I was so hurt, and felt so betrayed, that this kind man (to my face) with kind eyes and a smile, could possibly have betrayed me in such a way. I was also stunned and confused.

The answer is quite simple. Yes sociopaths do know exactly what they are doing. They  come into your life with an agenda, and they leave with one too. What the sociopath doesn’t plan for, and the part that seemingly seems to misfire in the brain, is the long term consequences of their actions.

Sociopaths are great at short term goals, but they are not too brilliant when it comes to planning long term. They are more opportunistic. They are predators. They have an agenda that they want to fulfil, and they think in the first instance, in terms of short term goals. (what can they get what is in it for me). Their focus, is on getting what they want, in the easiest way possible, without getting caught. Sociopaths really suffer with boredom, so they can spend a long time, planning how they can get what they want, by lying, being deceptive and manipulative.

The sociopath does not ever (even if they say that they don’t) not know what they are doing  They know absolutely what they are doing. What can happen, is that they can become so caught up in their own lies, that they are forced to lie and manipulate further, than they had originally intended, to escape detection from the original lie.

This can quickly escalate and spiral out of control. The sociopath is always, manipulative and cunning, they think of their own needs. When going into a situation they  ask two things

  • What’s in it for me
  • How can I achieve my agenda to get what I want?

The sociopath will then tell a lot of lies, will be manipulative and deceptive, to get exactly what they want. However, during this time, the lies tend to ‘snowball’. Of course, additional to this, there are your own reactions. That the sociopath has to also deal with.

It can seem quite incredible, that the person who is pretending to be the ‘love of your life’ is in fact, behind your back, being manipulative and deceptive, doing all that they can to look after their own selfish needs.

As they do not think long term. They are not thinking about spending the rest of their life with you. Or how this will affect you, or what the long term consequences of their actions will be.

It can seem that often, they do actions which make no logical sense at all. As if they go the long way about achieving anything in life. Often, for many low functioning sociopaths, they do not achieve anything at all, instead going round and round in a vicious circle.

You might have taken the sociopath back after a break when lies were uncovered, and hoped that things would change. Afterall, the sociopath has made promises that they will change. So, do they plan, when coming back to you, to repeat the exact same behaviour over again?

I think in this instance when the sociopath has lured you back in for a second time, or however many times they  have came back. Each time they put on a fresh mask. They are on their best behaviour. In their own minds, they might still have an agenda to fulfil that they haven’t yet got from you (a source for supply). Often, they can come back with good intentions, that this time things will be different.

Of course, the sociopath cannot really fulfil this desire to be different, and swiftly things return to how they were before.

Why do they repeat the same behaviour, if they have promised that they will change, are they just lying?

Not always (at least initially). If you have a source of supply that they want (a roof over their head, money, sex, social connections) this is their focus, and they are prepared to ‘behave’ to get what they want. Or at least feign good behaviour. However things always slip back to how they were before, as they are

  • Opportunistic (find it difficult to resist temptation)
  • Selfish and self motivated
  • Greedy
  • Game players

They might come back into the relationship, and their need for supply, might simply be ‘your company’. Yes, sociopaths can enjoy company of people, just like anyone else. They can also feel a sense of attachment to people. Especially if those people are useful to them.

When does the planning begin?

The planning can begin at either

  • Assessment stage, at the beginning of a relationship
  • If they have lured you back, and there is further supply that they want from you
  • If they are planning to leave, and they have further supply elsewhere lined up
  • If a fresh opportunity for something that they want arises

The sociopath will do everything that they can in their own devious way to get what they want. They will try to do this in what they perceive as the ‘nice’ way. That is smiling to your face,whilst being manipulative and deceptive to get what they want (often without you realising).

If this plan fails, the sociopath will simply ‘take’ what they want from you. They see this as their own right to do so. The sociopath does not really take into account what will be the long term consequences of their actions. They are often too focused on achieving what it is that they want to achieve, to gain what they want.

Copyright datingasociopath.com 2013

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80 thoughts on “Do Sociopaths knowingly plan all of their actions? Do they know what they are doing?

    1. Exactly! It is hard to come to terms that everything he ever told me was some part of his scheme to get what he wanted. He didn’t mean any of it, yet I bought it. Even fell in love with him….or the idea of him since I don’t know who he really was. Going through something like that makes you look at people through a different lense.

      1. You are so right it is hard to ever trust anyone again but at least I have an idea as to what to expect. I wish I did prior to meeting him. He broke down my barriers used me for sex and company until he found someone new. Silly me I fell in love and wanted him back thinking I did something wrong he said I had done somethings that fucked up our chemistry. Now I see I was not at fault it was his scheming and manipulation. He will get his karma one day I hope a slide show of the women he hurt runs through his mind when he does

    2. Big time, it never ends or changes… EVER! this makes the illogical, or apparently illogical, nature of their arguments or comments very frustrating. They will say they did something because you did something, even if in fact it was the other way around and you will never get them to accept it… they will divert onto something else. I tried and tried to get my x to come to family mediation, she wouldn’t. I asked her to send me a mail saying where she hoped we would all be in a year and how she thought we would get there… three years still waiting.

      After all this she says she has tired to help us get a better situation and to go to therapy but I was too angry!!! The worst part about this is she says this to our son and he knows it’s a lie as I have told him I wanted this but I would have to wait till mama was ready.

      Her and her boyfriend say to him they would like us all to get on but I’m the one who doesn’t!!! Her boyfriend said to me that Donie was bewildered at my “anger”… which he pretty much never sees! I was very worried about this, again questioning myself as to whether I was behaving angrily and upsetting him without knowing it.

      I had to sit him down and ask him was he worried or confused, did he think I was angry. He laughed and said no. It turns out Gavin, the new “man” , had said I was angry and that was why we couldn’t get on! This after, realising Sinead(his mum) could not be spoken to, maybe he could be, and approached him. That went south very quickly.

      But even though it is obvious I have been the positive and pro active one, as you said in another article, I am accused of their behaviour and they claim mine for their own!!!!!

      I did ask myself and wonder how aware she was of what she was doing. To dwell on her being aware of it is not healthy beyond just using that knowledge in a practical way.

      Does the sociopath know they are a sociopath? do they get their is something wrong with them?

      1. Sociopath is just a label. A word I wrote a post about this. But can’t get access to my computer to find it. I think it’s called do sociopaths know they are something like that. They would know that they different. They would know others display emotions they don’t and they have to fake it to blend in.

  1. It seems to me like a person with this sickness is completely, totally and utterly useless to the universe. Why in the hell are there sociopaths???? I know that God doesn’t make mistakes, but……

      1. They do contribute to society my ex owns a business writing books on passing SATS and he is also a Doctor

      2. I know how are you to forgive someone whose a lost cause? They’ll never change and never have remorse for what they did to us and our hearts : (

  2. Reblogged this on joesorandom and commented:
    being the victim of a sociopath, i thought i would share this so that hopefully, i can help others identifiy or @ least warn others of the sociopaths that walk among us.

  3. Yes, everytime me and my spath of a husband got back together he did always come off as different, and m be different. Jeeze was I a gluten for punnishment. Live and learn I guess, just wanted to be hapoy is all. U can never be happy with a sociopath first of all they cra e to much drama not to mention their other many talents. Im I.to no contact for myself and its working. Peace & love to all who r tangled with a spath. Leabe the son of a bitch…e like a lollipop would always hoped it would

  4. They know, the devil knew that’s what I call him.He broke up with me so many times , I didn’t understand.caused arguments on purpose.Knew they were coming because his face and persona would change as well.he would say, why are I fretting! N I would say ……. Pause because I have a feeling some thing bad is going to happen! And he would say don’t worry and then 20 mins later after a nice meal and doing the dishes together he would rage 4 hours.he would say, he didn’t love me and that his main goal was to destroy any r ship I had with my x.Said he could never ever have a r ship with anyone.I asked him if he had ever been in love? He said, only you and he was 38 .He said he wanted to Kill my x and my brother but most of all my dog ??? He was charismatic n talked filth to bar maids? Wtf 😦 he is gonna hurt s one n I tried to stop him .The law in the uk not the police but the cps has let me down along with many others He is out there n gonna hurt s one! :-((((((

    1. Hi Jaqueline, you cannot stop what he is doing. You can only protect you. I am sorry that you felt let down by police. My first incident with police was back in 2011 that was awful. He lied to the police and they treated me like I was the instigator. 😦 But by 2012, i found that the police had changed they had a card, which asked me specific question related to psychopaths. I found them really supportive they told me to call every time, and I did sometimes it was 3/4 times a week, when the stalking and harasssment was at its worse. I found them supportive, so I thought it had changed. I spoke to another victim who called police in another part of the country, and they also had the card which identifies psychopaths. I thought that things had changed. I am sorry that wasn’t your experience.

    2. Hi, my thoughts are with you. My ex (sociopath or narcisst) would pick fights with me too, told me who I could & couldn’t see as girlfriends & let me make the move to make up with him. he just sit & wait for me to contact him. He created drama fights all the time too. He didnt want a fridge left by my ex in my garage, only a week after we had met, moved in with me. That was the first feeling i got, that things weren’t right, something was ‘off’ inside him/his mind. Mind games all the time. I hope the cops come to their senses & understand where you coming from & that he is mentally ill/ Sociopath. They should do training about all mental illnesses incl sociopath/narcissm. Mine would rage for hours, lecture to me about world govt, how much he hated President Obama, that we were all pond scum, at the bottom of ladder & that the Elite are ruling the world.that why he wouldn’t let me watch tv, thought it dumbed everyone down, thought that subliminal msgs coming thru the tv to pacify everyone. Mine would have moved on to someone else & would say negative things to them about me & tell her shes the best woman he ever met, is in love with, just like he used to tell me when we first met, all a facade. Never mind. I”m much better off without him, as he wanted to brainwash me, turn me like him.I hope you are ok & feeling better without him. Mine was charming, charismatic too.

      1. It is the charm and charisma that wheels you in. Mines had Erectile dysfunction problems and he blamed it on me because i made him wait a longtime before we started having sex, he said it messed with his pschye. Silly me I believed. It wasn’t until the end of the relationship I realized what he was doing all along and mines will be 33 July

      2. Sorry about your experience Dragonfly. However badly-presented the information, your ex might be right about a couple of the things he ranted about.
        “…we were all pond scum, at the bottom of ladder & that the Elite are ruling the world.that why he wouldn’t let me watch tv, thought it dumbed everyone down, thought that subliminal msgs coming thru the tv to pacify everyone.”
        To be fair, there is some truth in that. Like any revelation about evil in the world (what he’s referring to are sociopaths who run the world with power games and agendas, and it does actually happen).
        Instead of isolating individuals as the problem – look at the system, the world, holistically and see how the DISEASE causes more sociopaths to be born. The ‘disease’ being bad karma pushed from the top down, something like that. It is a pyramid in a sense.
        Better to get our power from unity than from manipulation of others for selfish gain, I say (and I have sociopathic tendencies but having started to deal with my issues am somewhat reformed, believe it or not). Being someone who’s become one of these ‘evil’ people, due to a lot of abuse, I’ve had to think about how it happened, a LOT.
        If we unite against the causes of such people being created, we do far better than merely identifying and running away from such individuals. Because it could be your son or daughter, in the end…. I was once an innocent child, remember? I don’t want more to be twisted like I was.
        Prevention is better than cure.
        Anyway, peace. That’s all any of us seek, I guess…

  5. Yes they know exactly what they are doing & don’t care! This is the sad & sorry truth so,we just have to move forward quickly to save ourselves. I pulled out all the stops & gathered support from trusted friends,family,therapists,doctors but,most of all myself ;0)
    It’s hard but,keep your emotional Armour on & read everything to do with sociopath behaviors so,you can see the red flags & protect yourself. You need to keep reading affirmations & maintain your routines of good health,exercise etc…I have just experienced the most bizarre yet profoundly fascinating 10 years with a high functioning sociopath.
    I am finding myself & delving deep into my own phyche & discovering why I have chosen to give myself over to the wrong people for their use & abuse! It’s been hard but,very cathartic & somehow I have found a much deeper peace.
    So my advice is rise from the ashes & become a phoenix,reinvent a new person that you are proud to be,one that has withstood a great raging personal storm & has survived!
    If I can do it so,can you ;0) just believe in yourself as the Sociopath wanted something that you had that,they don’t possess.That’s the ability to FEEL compassion & love.
    You are worth your own effort to survive ;0) so,dig deep & keep digging till you find you again ;0)
    The damage that these relationships cause are not fatal & you have everything you need,you just have to look hard & rediscover YOU! ;0)

    1. Wow! yes I feel that way too, like a phoenix rising from the ashes, when my rship with the narcissist broke up, now i’m a more confident person. i was always worried about upsetting him, walking on eggshells. Work colleague tells me i have a light shining in my eyes, that was conspicously absent when narcissist was living with me. I am still in process of reinventing myself too & not to attract any more narcissstic or sociopath rships in future! only emotionally healthy, available men for me in my happy bright emotionally healthy future, for us all out there! Affirmations & reading the posts on this site are very healthy, liberating. My friends & work colleagues helped me get out his emotionally sick quagmire, well of negativity. They gave me the emotional support, friendship & confirmation i so desperately needed. Yes thats why the narcissists are attracted to sensitive people, they attracted to love & compassion as they cant feel it themselves & have to mirror, copy, act it to make it feel real to them & feed on our positive energy, no wonder we felt drained from being with them, esp every day. Its good & a journey, finding oneself again, who we truly are & what our soul purpose is. Thankyou again, for your posts, sharing. 🙂 I hope all are feeling better, out there, thoughts are with you.

      1. Hi Dragonfly,

        Yes the best revenge is for you to take back your power & rise above him.
        I can relate to the drained feeling as they are like vampires & somehow seem to suck the life force out of you.
        Funnily enough all my friends leave me feeling energized & in hindsight my sociopath always made me feel incredibly tired…..I guess that is a ‘red flag’,that I will look out for next time.
        Stay focused on getting yourself back onto your path & remember you gave with all your heart and this is a beautiful quality in a person but,it is your heart & it belongs back with you ;0)
        Wishing you a healthy,happy life….the Pheonix ;0))

  6. Wow, I have a story you won’t believe……I didn’t…and still really don’t believe that this happened to me….I will share with you (tomorrow – sorry I am exhausted just thinking about it) how I got sucked in to this relationship 10 years ago, have been married nearly 7 years and how I am finally accepting what I need to do from here to escape the nightmare …..Hey, it happens to the best of us I guess….how can we tell??..I am a professional woman…just never knew these people existed…why would someone say something that wasn’t true? …..just mad at myself that I got involved, fell in love with & married a Sociopath….I knew something wasn’t right…but I didn’t want to believe it…after all, he seemed like such a nice guy and everyone else – family, friends – really liked him….at first….sound familiar?? Good night…will be back tomorrow..with the whole story……

    1. God is so good! And amazingly so in tune with us….. Have you ever prayed for revelation? I have and HE has revealed things that I would never have known….never expected…things that would change my life….

      1. I had a weird feeling about my bf something was wrong I asked God to show me a sign so that I won’t make a huge mistake.2 days later he broke up with me although I was devastated and at times the experience still crosses my mind I know it was worth it. I am a stronger, smarter, assertive, confident woman now. I am so mature for a 22yr old, so even though he caused me alot of pain and misery he did me more good than bad because I am a better, stronger person. I will still care for others and I do believe in finding love but I am so sure as to who I am and what I want. It will be very hard for another sociopath to enter my life again because God is my armor and my shield and with knowledge wisdom and his revaluation it will be rebuked

      2. Yes, god is good, I sometimes pray for my sociopath ex, for god to heal him, & his traits, anger etc. but i dont contact him & he has rarely contacted, only distant short texts which were msgs from his parents to say thankyou for the get well card i sent them. I still think of him sometimes but know what he’s like & how narccistic he was, it gets easier week by week, the hurt etc fades.

  7. I do think they do today I was talking to a person nice animals rehabilitator like me on youtube on comments under a video..simple video of how to help this babies animals.. so I notice under mine not as a reply a comm from her oh noooooooooo.. she said you problably dont think about me so is dumb of me to say anything to you..but I have a new life and new town and I decided to start with a new person..so please dont come after me..I ask you..I want to start from zero . I wish you all the best since ours did not work out
    ” wtf!! what a loony ..who says I would go after her???? little sociopath borderline creepy I felt creepy! why bother saying please dont come after me..I am strting from 0with another ..wtf??????????? why say this..go to hell ..stay the hell gone ..I should not read the whole thing i feel angry at me..I wont react of course…..but why why she needs to tell me about this new somebody? and not to come after..why if I have not talked to her or reacted to her in months ?? why she think I would come after? wtf..this makes me angry

    1. Well, this is her saying this to you, to try to make you jealous and want her. That is all that this is about. What this means is that she is jealous of YOU!! 🙂 Keep going you are doing fab. When you are ignoring her, she is doing everything to get back into your life. Your doing well 🙂

      1. I hate that she knows I read.. or she would not post this crap! Oh why this arrogant person asks me not to go see her if I have not even reacted to anything ???..I post things on my youtube like a normal person would ( not about love ) ..if she sits there and thinks the btw the lines has anything to do with her..I don’t know but that is absurd! Its like she thinks I am still in love with her 😦 far from that ..she is creepy! Gross me she thinks I will go after her ! I’m so disgusted she thinks I want to go after her.. ..why would she be jealous of me..she is the one that talks she is with a another person…I never said I was! I don’t talk about my new love .. So why would she be jealous ? She wants to start from 0 with her new person and fear I would show up..this makes me mad that she thinks i want to see her! Its like I want to respond and say what? See you you dont even exist you are a lie you creepy bastard!
        They do know what they are doing ah they do know and why dont they go way with their new love and leave us alone!!!?

  8. well they win them ..cos I will not react!!!!!!!! losers they are inside if they cant just enjoy their new love and life and leave us alone..

  9. I spent 3 years of my life trapped with a sociopath. Looking back on it now is so terrifying, I was so immersed in his lies and I became such a shell of myself. He was aware that I was just starting out on the road to recovery from clinical depression and convinced me that he also was, but by the end I’d realised that that was just one of his many lies. Pointing out the inconsistencies, or ‘evidence’ in his stories just led to anger and he’d turn it back on me, call me delusional, paranoid, even jump straight into hysterical rants about how I was cheating on him or list every flaw I had in order to guilt trip me and make me forget the original subject. That or he’d threaten to self-harm/commit suicide if I didn’t back down. He cut me off from my friends and family, convinced me he was the only one I could trust. I was such a mess and spiraled very quickly back into depression. He’d make me do things that he knew made me uncomfortable and act as if I was overreacting when I tried to get him to stop, but there was something very sadistic in his eyes. Despite this it was always back to his usual act the next day – smiles, charm etc. It was like treading on eggshells. The entire relationship was like some sort of trance or spell, in my mind it all seemed very normal. Luckily after I realised what was going on I cut him out of my life. Any act he previously had on suddenly dropped when he realised the game was over. He was cold, unemotional and acted as though nothing had happened or that he barely knew me. Accepting that I meant nothing to him other than to feed his ego and sadistic desires. Occasionally he attempts to contact me with something attempting to provoke sympathy; how lonely he is or how much he misses me, but I never answer. I’m back on the road to recovery now, luckily I’m still fairly young and will definitely have learnt from this. These people are toxic. Sending love and courage to anybody currently/previously having to deal with this.

    1. *Accepting that I meant nothing to him other than to feed his ego and sadistic desires was the hardest part. Sorry missed out the last part of that sentence!

      1. Hi Lorelei,

        This is the hardest part of all, that space. The person that you loved with all of your heart. That you gave so much to. On the other side, for them…. there was nothing.

        I do hope that this can teach you, to love yourself first. To take care of you, as if you are your own best friend. To realise that you deserve so much more. I hope that at some point in the future, you experience again true love. True happiness comes from within. I hope that you can find that within you sometime soon…. you cannot make the sociopath love you, as you cannot make them feel what they do not, but you can love yourself…. and in the future, someone else will come into your life, who will love you with all of their heart. As that is what you deserve!! 🙂

  10. I think all these Sociopaths are the Devil in human form,mine actually looked quite evil during intimate moments when he was saying things like ‘you are my possession’ etc…
    Ha now it all seems laughable especially because he says it to all his victims!!! I know because I’ve spoken to two of them!
    This survivor is now laughing freely again,what a silly joke this man is….;0)))))

      1. You can’t feel like anything JK you are a sociopath….you are on another level from us normal folks and you will never be able to comprehend what or why we feel the way we feel. And he was being honest when he said, “You are my possession”? Yes, it may have been honest (which I would appreciate) but it is creepy as hell!!!

      2. And you have no idea how I feel, unlike you “normal” folk I don’t contradict that socios can and can’t feel, most of us (if not all – I imagine it is all btw) can feel, different to you guys granted but I still haven’t seen any reason why your feelings are empirically better than ours. Moan when we lie moan when we don’t, are you ever happy? (As I’ve said before sarcasm doesn’t work properly online)

      3. I’m not going even begin to explain why feeling empathy, compassion, and genuine care for other humans (normal folks) is empiracally better than not feeling them (sociopaths). Yes, you feel but only when it’s referencing yourself. To not have any sympathetic feelings towards mankind, and to only be “in it” for yourself is a curse. No sarcasm intended….

      4. Because you can’t I imagine but as it happens there are a few people I care about. Again if I can’t understand how you feel I wonder how you assume to know what I feel. Don’t believe in curses but I think I know what you mean. I get the impression you don’t like me, true? Don’t think I’ve done anything to hurt you but I don’t really care either way I suppose.

      5. Who is? that is just a myth created by sociopaths, as they think that possession and ownership is love. Truthfully, nobody can ever own or possess anyone else….not really!! 🙂

      6. It is true to what he believes however. You tell that to slave owners as they do still exist (not all of whom will be socios). I’m starting to get annoyed at people saying what I think you know (after all I should know what I think better than you). Again I have never thought of possession and love as the same, my definition of love may be different to yours but even so that’s a big leap.

      7. It is where you say that you don’t see possession as love? If the biggest thing in the relationship is control – control is ownership, and ownership is possession?

      8. And you assume all relationships are about love, socios aren’t deluded entering the relationship. If I loved someone I would not see a need to control them.

      9. I will be honest, when he ‘loved me’ in his own way – he controlled me the most. When he didn’t…. (when he had a new source for supply) the control stopped. I could breath again. Love was definitely about ownership and control. It went hand in hand, without controlling behaviour – there wouldn’t be so many problems. Have you ever not tried to control someone?

      10. Not a massive one for relationships but there was one girl who would’ve been had she not been more interested in using and mocking me (oh the irony) I’m pretty sure she was a narcissist. There have been others that I’ve liked but not really attempted anything seriously.

  11. Hey JK,
    I wish you Love & Peace & Light.
    I wish it for myself & everyone reading this.
    Just be true to yourself,believe in yourself whatever your beliefs are.
    Everyone hurts but,it takes tremendous courage to heal oneself & I am doing this,no matter what any one else thinks…my life is authentic to me.
    No Sociopath,Narcissist or normal person will interrupt my truth ever again. ;0)
    Our strength is within us & only us.
    Stay strong & don’t debate or justify your feelings or beliefs with anyone that may undermine you.
    Thank you Positivagirl, I think your blog/posts & positive feedback is fantastic!
    Stay strong & believe in you ;0)

  12. I have a theory that, with some of them, they don’t actually consciously acknowledge what they are doing or the plan they have. That would entail knowing what hurts a person, they don’t really care about hurting you, they don’t understand that kind of hurt because they don’t invest like normal people. They do what they want to get what they want, how that effects you is just a side effect, not the intention.

    My favourite analogy is the laptop. To them we are nothing more than the latest laptop they wanted. When you first get a laptop you are excited, it’s so much better than the last laptop you had, it’s shiny and new and you can’t stop playing with it. (in the back of your head you know you are going to have a newer laptop in the future but right now this one is the bees knees so you don’t really think about it)

    You love what this laptop can do, how it looks, how everyone says “oh what a lovely laptop”….until you get used to it. as time passes it’s not quite as much fun anymore. Even worse it doesn’t do everything you want it to do anymore. It’s not as fast or as functional or whatever as you thought it was going to be. You start looking around for a new laptop. You notice how other peoples laptop seen newer and cooler than yours. Suddenly your laptop seems old and useless.

    What do you do? You start looking for a new laptop.
    But don’t be silly, you won’t get rid of the one you have till you’ve secured a new one.
    Once you’re new one is secured it takes its place of the new shiny toy and the old laptop is disgarded with little to no thought, because why would you grieve the end of a laptop – it’s an inanimate object.

    You might pull it out occasionally but only because it had a little something on it you wanted. A picture maybe, or a game you particularly enjoyed playing. You’ll amuse yourself briefly, shut it down again, and return back to your new laptop. The shiny laptop. The new best laptop in the world.

    …until you bet used to it. And so the cycle continues.

    Ultimately we are objects to them. Yes the ability to be compassionate and empathic is.missing but another side of that is investment. They do not invest in you or your relationship as a genuine person would. The reeling effects of this destroy us and barely ripple their existence.

    So no, I don’t believe they plot our demise. I think our demise is so inevitable that they just follow to their own drum and it happens without much thought or effort from them.

    1. I like this!!! You are so right, its a good analogy about the laptop too!!! Its a good one. Thank you for your post. I also like the part where you write about the lack of investment and how this affects us, as we have always invested so much, all they invest is words and empty promises, which are as useful as the emperors new clothes!!

  13. Hello. I am new to this site and really finding it helpful to read all the posts and comments. I have, however, what feels like a very naive question. I was in a relationship with my sociopath for a little less than a year. I am quite convinced he IS in fact a sociopath because EVERYTHING lines up. All of the red flags. All of the stages. What is still not clear to me is what he was after? He did not ever ask for money or a place to live (though he DID make a big deal about the fact that he NEVER asked for these kinds of things, saying he was “too proud” and didn’t want anyone to “feel sorry” for him) or for anything else materialistic. Is it possible for the sociopath to just be after some sort of emotional supply?

    1. Still In Shock-mine never asked for money or a place to live either (the place to live was a reason-he couldn’t cheat on me if he was living with me); however, looking back there were a few things that stood out with little comments he made. Mine always prided himself with being a “hard worker” and did have a physically demanding job but to no fault of his own, his job was sporadic (sometimes working him 50 hours a week, other times not working at all). During those times, I would buy us dinner if we went out to eat. He was always thankful and I thought nothing of it because once he started working again, he would always return the favor.

      But, once I found out he was cheating and was in communication with the other woman, he told her he was just using me. When she asked him for what, he said it wasn’t sex but for money??? He never asked nor would I have given him money BUT that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t have asked in the future had our relationship went on, ya know? But definitely, I was his supply for sex, there’s no doubting that…..

      They are incapable of having an emotional supply themselves so I don’t think that was the case. I also think I was a good ego boost to my sociopath. Maybe me making him feel better about himself was another reason he latched on to me??

  14. Can someone help me here. I was dating a spath for 8 years. I broke off with him 4 times and went back each time after an absence of 3-6 months. He was not your typical spath, even though I did the test for him and scored 17 yeses out of 20. He was really good to me, did a lot of little jobs for me, often told me that \I was the most important person in his life and genuinely enjoyed being with me. Each time we broke off he appeared to be devasted, bombarded me with emails blaming everything on me. I went back to him each time because I felt sorry for him. My biggest thing with him was he is a serial cheater and he would deny, deny, deny and claim that I was letting my imagination run away with me. He would bring women to the house and I would see signs that they had been there *(always the same women) and he would say things like “no matter what the evidence shows, you have to trust me because I never cheated on you”. He was also very cheap. I have to say also that his negativity drained. I learned about spaths last year when I broke off with him. I swore I’d never go back again but I did. Now I understand it so much better so it was easier for me to break off with him this time. However, I still remember the good times and how kind he was to me and I found it very hard to believe that he did not really love me, even though I know in my heart he is a spath. Can someone weigh in and help me out. Any advice would be welcome.

    (signed)Trying to get over him.

    1. Hi Amy, nice to meet you. I am sorry that you are hurting right now. it can be hard to move on, especially when you have thoughts of how nice they can be (read the post confusion of kindness) this is something that I struggled with too, the duality of the sociopath, the kindness and the other side.

      If he is sleeping with other women, that would have been enough for me to get out. As not only does he sleep with them it also placed you at risk. once he has done this he will continue to do this again and again. Do you want this for your future? Surely you deserved to be loved and treated with respect. To have a future where you can be with someone that you can rely on. As you can never rely on the sociopath.

  15. .02 Sociopaths I think are the most insecure people & hence the trust issue, their survival dynamic is therefore put first above all else. Their reason for their insecurity stems from a childhood which is usually dysfunctional in parenting & a primary lack of love in the family, perfect breeding ground for a cynosure. I’ve just survived one who’s a female priest of all things.

    They therefore see the world & everything in it as a playground for personal gain. They’re incapable of love cause they have not experienced “Charity begins at home” Their Martyr Complex is always a “trump card” lure to the one who falls for it.

    I have always looked at their interpersonal skills & how they interact with others, in particular pets, mirroring etc. I have always relied on scripture & healing being a personal journey, trusting yourself & focusing on one particular personal space in your life you’re comfortable brings you to your center & puts you back into perspective. The trick in this is to master yourself that’s what it’s all about, what got me through it was a rewarding scripture when you look at the fruits of a sociopath…

    Matthew 7:15

    “Beware of false prophets who come to you in sheeps’ clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves 16. You shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes or thorns, or figs of thistles? 17. Even so every good tree brings forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree brings forth evil fruit”

    this blog has been helpful indeed! Thumbs up!

    1. Great comment Ashley!!! I absolutely agree with your comment too, they reflect my thoughts also. I do wonder if it is a gift, as it does teach self mastery too. You have to, to survive. It opens your eyes, to see things in a different way (even world leaders and politics). Whilst it might be a difficult thing to go through, it is also, once the pain has gone enlightening. Thank you for your comment, it does mirror my own thoughts (in a genuine way) 🙂

      1. It is difficult at first but when you truly accept the situation for what it was and start personal development and self affirmation. It gets better, you feel strong, wise and confident. they prey on people with low self esteem. Since after my relationship with the sociopath I am all three qualities and better. i have never been happier in my life.I have to accept and appreciate my life for what it is. It also thought me to build my own empire so that when I am dating a ”nice guy ” when he threatens/ chooses to walk away the addictive lifestyle he created won’t affect me that I am striving to remain loyal and faithful to him or most likely will take him back regardless of how he treats me. It starts with you as an individual.
        So glad I found this site

  16. Hi, I’m so glad that i found this site, i’ve been off and on with my spath for 19 years, I’m pretty sure he is one because of what i’ve just read. i asked him to leave again a few weeks ago but due to my ill health I needed his help and now i can’t get rid of him again. I’m so messed up by him, I feel useless.

    1. I understand totally, as i heard from my spath, recently too & reconciling, but am aware of his faults, spath traits & watching out. He is trying to change, but getting very tired from it, but is helping me too. As my on & off hip pain, walking difficulty has returned & he helping me around the house, cooking etc. We on & off too. We broke up for 3 1/2 mths but he back in my life, i was wary of seeing him or getting back together but had missed him & had dreams, visions, telepathy of him, a week before he contacted me again. He took me to see his parents again. They said he was miserable without me. they said to me, look after my son! I can’t see evidence if he had a g.f while we were broken up. he said we wern’t broken up, he said i broke up with him, but i said my side of the story. He was decent & has apologised for his part in it. He is trying but its making him very tired, trying to change, modify his behaviour when it tends to be ingrained, been part of him for long time.

  17. My ex is a sicko in many ways, but one of the biggest things I noticed about him in the end was that he lied to himself just as much as he lied to others. “I’m a good person with higher morals and standards than anyone else” “All women are bad and that’s why they always leave me” “I’ll never be able to get ahead in life because others are out to stop me”. He’d fly into a panicked rage when confronted with the truth, for example, if shown proof of his cheating when he claimed over and over that he hates liars and cheaters! In the end, I think the sickest relationship a sociopath has is with him/herself. They are so insecure that they have to hide from themselves behind a tissue of lies.

    1. Accountability is each & every human beings’ vice. Have you ever been to a prison visit like a communal one, each & ever prisoner there believes they don’t belong there, they’re all innocent & the devil or some overwhelming evil force took their hands, minds & whatever else & effectuated what they did, it was never them.

      It’s rare that you will find someone who will openly confess to a crime or wrongdoing. Surveys of kids emptying the candy or cookie jar have it all attributed to temptation which was the first sin, Adam vs Eve. If this is about who’s worse man or woman, then we should all be androgynous, analogous in sense & sensibility of the need to what a purpose driven life is

    2. Your statement is so true! They are quick to blame other people/women for what they did wrong! I bought his stories, now I’m in one of his lies (stories) to his latest girlfriends and others he’s having sex with… He’s playing the victim! When in reality I’m one of his many victims! : (

  18. There is such a thing as Karma, I have just seen it firsthand. I dealt with a sociopath bf for a year and a half. I had no idea what he was but after discovering this site he fits everything to a tee. Swept me right off my feet from day one, completely “fell in love” with me immediately and wanted to move in with me after only 2 weeks. Little red flags popped up right from the start but I chose to ignore them due to the fact that he was so “loving”, He was by far the most intoxicating man I had ever met and I fell quickly for him as well. He claimed to share all the same morals and values, claimed to be all about faithfulness, loyalty and honesty, all the things that build a good relationship. We went to church together every Sunday, he developed a great relationship with my son who truly adored him. I felt blessed to have met someone so wonderful. We never fought, he always told me that he was so happy with me. All bs and lies. Come to find out while I was working (he was on disability and not working) he was spending his time on facebook, seeking out other women to cheat on me with. I discovered this accidentally 9 months into the relationship when I went into my computer history looking for a game website my son was previously on. The history pulled up all of these fb accounts that he had been on belonging to women. One of these ladies profile picture was one of her and my boyfriend! I was beyond shocked, horrified actually. He was out, “visiting his sister” when I discovered it. I immediately called him and as I was staring at the picture he denied it, said she was a friend from years ago. I further examined her page and it said she was in a relationship with my bf. When he couldnt deny it anymore he quickly shifted the blame on me, saying that he cheated because I am sneaky with my cell phone! Seriously???? I left my phone all over the house, as a matter of fact he used it and went through it whenever he felt like it, i thought nothing of it because I had nothing to hide. Ironically, his phone never left his side and was password protected. I was so upset I hung up on him and started going thru his things, something I had never done. I found his old phone, he had just upgraded to a new one. Sure enough her number was in there so I called her. She wouldnt answer (she was actually with him at that time), so I text her. I informed her that she was not his only gf but she can have him now. She responded “Lol, ok”. So I ended things, gave him all of his belongings so he would have no reason to ever contact me again. When I met him to give him his stuff he was back to denying that he was even with her, begging me not to do this, he loves me and only me. He was crying, it was hard because I loved him but I stuck to my guns and ended it. I had no contact with him for a month, deleted him out of my phone. He called out of the blue and I answered not realizing it was him. He was crying, told me he had made the biggest mistake of his life, can I please give him a second chance. I was resistant at first but he wouldnt give up. He made promises of never hurting me again, said if it took the rest of his life he would earn my trust back, prove his love for me. I eventually caved and got back together with him. He wanted to move right back in but I said that until the trust returned we would not be living together. So he told me he was living with his sister. He spent the weekends at my house and seemed to be all about me. He deactivated his fb and even changed his phone number to prove to me that he no longer had any contact with the the girl he cheated on me with. When we werent together we were either on the phone several times a day or texting. He spoke of marrying me, said that I was the one, I actually felt that he really meant all this and was happy that I gave him a second chance. Well about a month ago i sent him a text and got a call back from his sister. She said he had been arrested but she did not know why. I called the police station and they said he was being held without bail for a domestic altercation with his pregnant girlfriend!!!!!!!! I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. Then the cop proceeded to tell me that he was a fugitive from justice wanted in a different state for gun charges! I was in shock to say the least. I still had the girls number and knew right away she was the pregnant gf. I called her and this time she was more than willing to talk to me. Turns out he had moved in with her as soon as I broke up with him the first time and was living there up until he got arrested, they had never broken up and she was in fact pregnant. He told her he was spending the weekends with his family when he was with me. She also told me that he recently had twins with another woman,looking back I believe he had been living with her when we first met. He lied, manipulated and made a complete fool out of me and the sickest part is he was able to do this with no guilt at all. I had questioned him several times about this girl since we got back together and he always maintained his story of having no contact at all with her. He made me feel like I couldnt let go of the past and if I gave him a second chance then I needed to stop bringing her up. I actually thought he was right and felt bad! This girl also told me he had said the exact same things to her as he did to me. His words to her were identical. The proclamation of true love, the promises, he used the same wording, he even promised to buy us the same bracelet once he got his finances straight! Im assuming this is a routine he uses on everyone. He told her she was his soulmate, something he always told me. I was chilled to the bone after i got off the phone with her 4hrs later. He contacted me from jail, denying everything, saying she is a psycho that couldnt let go. When I had originally contacted her the first time he told her the same thing about me! He has written me letters upon letters denying any involvement with her since we fixed our relationship. When I questioned her pregnancy he said its not his. When I questioned what he was doing with her the day he got locked up he said he was in the area and just stopped there real quick to pick up an item he had left there from before. He figured he would be in and out and there wouldnt be any problems. He has an answer for everything all lies on top of lies. He begs and pleads for me to believe him, when he gets out he says he will confront her in front of me, prove that shes lying about everything because shes jealous that he got back together with me and left her. Its sad at this point. He is a compulsive liar with no conscience. He has absolutely no remorse for anything he has done and of course claims to be innocent of all the charges hes being held on. He was just extradited to the other state to face his charges. It is highly likely he will be doing many years in prison. As much as I despise everything that he did I still think of the sweet person he was to my face and feel awful. I am now starting to understand that he is indeed a sociopath with no true feelings, totally incapable of owning his actions and that maybe jail is the best place for him. Karma is a bitch.

    1. I would also like to add that this is absolutely by far the most heartbraking experience Ive ever had with a man. It hurts so much to have believed that someone can love you so much but in reality doesnt feel a thing. I am not a stupid person, I am educated and have a great career. I never knew that any human being could be capable of lying so convincingly and I feel as though I will NEVER be able to believe or trust anyone ever again. The deceit on so many levels is just mind blowing. I dont think I will ever fully recover from this.

      1. Hi Hope
        Well lets say you can survive this, but I feel you are right also in saying you will never fully recover from this. I feel the same. A piece of me changed with my soc taking it. I am much better then I was over a year and a half ago, but still a lot to take in how someone can deceive and just walk away like nothing matters.
        The no contact part is very easy for me as I don’t want to talk to him or see him. I figure everytime I had contact before I felt worse and worse. I made the decision when he said “I don’t like how you treat me” that was the last time I would take anymore mental abuse.
        He did come and yell at me in front of my friends in July but since then nothing – I was very proud of myself that I just let it go and did not react to him.
        I always fear one day he will try to come back — I have no interest in this mind you ,but I can’t shake the feeling. He is supposed to get married to someone else now (originally his other woman). I remember him telling me when he left suddenly and was found by the police living with her “Maybe in a few years things will work out between us” I remember thinking at the time by then I will be well over you buddy (at that time I certainly wasn’t)
        The soc has very strange and disillusion thinking. I experienced it over and over again in the 8-1/2 yrs I was with him. They are not fully capable of understanding what they do because to them it is a different reality — their reality. They get that it is not “normal” but can’t understand the pain and heartache, because lets face it they don’t feel that way ever.
        Don’t feel stupid or like you have to justify your actions. You are not a fool. That is sometimes I think the worst part is kicking how stupid you feel about yourself — I know I have many times. But I get it more now that they are just very mentally disturbed people with no ability to change. Why would we want that back?
        I hope all is going well for you at this time.

  19. Oh god … i feel a lot of sadness reading all the articles on your blog.

    As I start to understand how deep she went manipulating me. Every single bit was planned. I feel so fucking used right now …

    … i always thought me leaving her was me ESCAPING her, while she made me leave her. She also made me have unprotected sex with her. So she would be able to stalk the fuck out of me pretending to be pregnant. That was, of course, completely untrue. The completele incoherence of her story would have alerted the normal me, but i wasn’t really me at the time.

    Even the fact that i feel that i’m now unable to seduce again while i was pretty much a ladie’s man “before” was planned and IS a creation of her manipulation.

    EVEN my fear of having got aids was planned. She wanted me to have anxiety crisis because of her. She ate my soul.

    Even when she did nothing, not even a text, nothing, after the 1year-and-a-half stalking stage, she was still manipulating me. She planted seeds in my brain. Seeds of self-hatred, seeds of guild, seeds of complete disorientation, seeds of sadness, even what i feel right now is somehow related to her, and somehow planned.

    All this happened two years ago and still went on until recently.

    But thanks to this website, a lot of stuff starts to make sense for the first time in 4 years.

    I feel like waking up from a nightmare.
    I can even put a story in the nightmare : i feel like i went out for something fun, innocent and somehow even beautiful, and somehow someone gave me some kind of drug, even if it’s not an actual drug, but someone manipulated my mind to make me feel completely disconnected from reality and somehow made me do things against my will. Which is, in legal terms,nothing less than a rape. Then made me run away to stalk me the best she can for years. To leave me abandoned, as the sad, little, angry, and completely pathetic person i thought i’ve became. as the shadow of what i once was. As someone who abandoned everything he believed in, walked away from who he was, from his family, from his own happiness … kinda lost forever.

    But then i woke up. And all of this was just a dream. I woke up. All of it was a f** dream.

    Dreams aren’t reality. And none of her lies, none of the things she planted inside me was true. It was all a dream someone made me have.

    None of it was real.

    And i start realizing i’m home. Safe and sound. And the few minutes following my awakening feel like a nice, long glass of water.

    … did not really happened to me in a while.

    I can now safely acknowledge that I’m home and that i’m safe and that i’m fine. This dream was intense, but it was a dream, not a real thing. And this was all just a product of someone’s imagination.

    (i know i’ve been repetitive while writing, but i need to do so. To really acknowledge this)

    All of that never happened. We never were in love. She never was pregnant. I never lost myself. I never walked away from who i was.

    I was asleep. I was dreaming. Nothing more. And now i can let go of that dream, for what it is : fiction. Imagination. Nothing, actually. Even if it was a 4-year-long, very painful dream, it’s over.

    Thank you. I think i’ll read a lot more material here (since there is still a lot to read and learn, now i want to learn. ) and go to the local library get some books on the topic. I want to be an expert on the topic.

    This, and i genuinely want to go spend some time with people. Not to escape, but to enjoy.

    1. Hi David, welcome to the site. I am sorry to read all that you have been through. I always described it as ’emotional rape’ I do empathise when you are being stalled, bombarded and harassed. You struggle to think straight. It can drive you insane (for a while)…. but you can regain YOU back. A lot of my posts repeat the same message (I am finding reading back through) but this is so that it sinks in. The reality is the truth, and the truth will set you free, to realise that it is HER problem. Not yours. Yes going out and being with people and having fun…. can be great therapy. Just make sure you spend it wtih people who love you – for you. People who remember the old you. Who will bring out the beauty in you. No contact is theraputic so I hope you are doing this. Keep walking… it really does get better as time goes on (read others comments) – the truth will set you free

    2. Don’t feel sad — feel happy that we have a forum with understanding people who know what we went through. They say what does not kill you makes you stronger — don’t know about that, but I must say we all need to be proud of moving on past this “dream”/”nightmare”.

  20. I’ve recently stumbled upon your blog, and have been reading through your posts… As a recovering person formally involved in a relationship with a true sociopath, I can relate to most everything that you write… Most everything… Ive read several times already in various posts where say things like, “the last sociopath”, implying that you’ve had more than one in your life…. and so my question to you is, if you have so much experience with people like this, then why do you keep getting involved ?? you obviously are aware of the warning signs… yet youve dedicated a large part of your life to this blog about sociopaths, and your personal experiences… could it be that you enjoy being a victim?? or maybe your the sociopath here…. I have experience with both types of personalities, and while i agree with some of your posts, that people involved in relationships like this should not blame themselves or feel there is something wrong with them, at a certain point we should all grasp reality and acknowledge whether or not we are allowing ourselves to be in these situations.

    1. @Tris
      You wrote that you are in recovery from a relationship with a soc. As such, you’d think you’d understand the implications coming from something like that, if you spent any time with the soc at all. I guess I don’t understand your tone, which seems to be a little accusatory.

      Is Positiva a victim? YES, she was abused. She’ll be the first to also tell you she’s a survivor, much as I suspect you would probably say the same about yourself. Soooooo… what’s your seeming irritation with individuals who may get caught in a cycle of abuse? It is possible that someone could attract themselves to a sociopathic personality for a wide variety of reasons. Maybe they’ve suffered an abusive upbringing and go with what they know. Maybe they aren’t ready for or don’t trust themselves to a next step. Maybe they have an issue about themselves they are working on that this personality type gravitates to (a blindspot, if you will).

      Of course we’re “allowing ourselves to be in them”. There is unparalleled manipulation, professional-level lying, and a history built before we know any of the former is the reality. Each soc has their own schtick as well. Although we joke about them being carbon copies of each other, I hardly think being with one would necessarily prepare you for every other one you might meet, even if there are tell tale signs. If it were easy to identify soc’s, there would be better psychological awareness models already built, the label would become a standard in prisons, and we’d know who to keep out of office. We are human, imperfect, but hardly irreparable.

      Because I just doubt your irritation is actually targeted at any of us, but more likely inwardly? How about you just share your story and we can see how we might be able to assist or support you from a perspective different from your own. After all, we would all self-heal instantly if it weren’t a disadvantage to be closest in proximity to our own problems. Welcome to the site.

  21. hi everyone, such a great site, set me free too.. 🙂 i had 2 bf in a row, a narcissist and sociopath, but i never knew about such personalities back then, besides the fact that they fitted all the traits and hurt me so much, luckily they break up with me themselves without making me feeling guilty, declaring their own fault and that helped me to recover easily and this site of course 🙂 now i wonder, now that i know this information, is it likely for me to meet another in the future? 😦 or it was my lack of knowledge that i happened to be with 2 such men, i don’t want to believe that i attract them, i’m afraid of meeting a high-fucntioning one without me realising and i will be desparate to suffer all the same again, makes me cringe 🙂

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