Top 18 signs that you were dating sociopath!!


It can be hard to sink in that Mr or Mrs Perfect that you have been dating is actually a sociopath. You might search the internet looking for answers. You come up with a list of traits from the DSM about sociopaths, and you question is he/she really a sociopath? You read the list, and still you are not sure, after all he/she was just so ‘nice’. Yes you have started to discover things, but you are still not sure, you are confused.

The following is top 18 traits that are red flags. Whilst not a comprehensive list, these traits show that the person you are dating could potentially be a sociopath.

1. Charismatic and charming

For the sociopath, image is everything. At least the image that he/she gives to the outside world. When you first meet, you will be bowled over at just how charismatic and charming he/she is. He will constantly flatter you. Sometimes this will seem false to you, He/she might tell you how incredible that you look. You know that this isn’t true. You just got out of bed, sat in your dressing gown, no makeup, and yes, you did actually see yourself in the mirror. Despite this he will insist that you are the most amazing person that he has ever seen in his life.

Your mind tells you that this is probably not true, but we push this to the back of our minds. At the centre of who we are as human beings, we tend to like people who like us. It is flattering and it feels good. You will notice that the sociopath will not just charm you, but will also be charming to everyone that he comes into contact with, including and especially everyone that is close to you.

His words are smooth and fast, and he is never stuck for something to say. He can be amazing company, and can light up your life with energy, charisma, and promises of a rich and bright future ahead. He focuses all of his attention on you, and makes you feel like you are the most amazing person that he has ever met in his life.

Superficial and glib casanova

2. Superficial and glib

A sociopath will say just about anything to anyone to get what he wants. He is smooth, and words rolls words out of his mouth, without even thinking. There is something about the tall stories that he tells, which just do not ring true. Surely NOBODY could have been through that much, you tell yourself.  The things that he tells you and everyone else around you seem to be said for the façade for show.

You might witness him/her being one person with a certain person, and somebody completely different with somebody else. He will say one thing one day, and if you change your mind next day, he can change his mind to accommodate you. If it seems too good to be true, and things are not ringing true, that is your inner voice warning you. Ignore at your peril.

The sociopath will say anything. They will say things to you, that you have already told them. This is designed to build trust, so that you think that this person knows and understands you really well. They make false empty promises, waste your time, and say things that they have no intention of ever coming true.

3. Lack of connection to their past

It is often too late and you are emotionally involved, by the time that you realise you haven’t met anybody from his past. He/she often moved to your city/town for work reasons, or some other excuse. Or maybe you met online. At first it doesn’t occur to you that you have never met anybody of significant importance to him. There are no lifelong friends, no family members who come to visit. After a while you will ask, but he will make excuses.

Most people do not meet others close in the very initial stages of a relationship; it’s usually an intimate time. Because of this, at first, you do not notice this lack of connections from his past. It is as the relationship progresses, and after you have introduced him to everyone that is close to you, you start to wonder, when you will meet people that he is close to?

Somebody who is as perfect as he/she seems, who is as charismatic as they are, who meets people so easily, would have other people from their past in their life. And if you are the love of their life, as they so frequently tell you, then they would be keen to show you off to people close to him/her.

Lack of connection to their past

4. Huge ego

All sociopaths are narcissists, but not all narcissists are sociopaths. Because of this, all sociopaths have a huge ego. When you meet, they will tell you a huge list of things that make them sound absolutely remarkable. They will talk of big business plans, success that they have had in the past. How in demand they are with the opposite sex (but how they have chosen you, because you are special). They will talk of incredible success with careers. And most definitely brag of how amazingly skilled they are in bed.

They will sell themselves to you, like a top notch car salesman selling his cars on the parking lot. He will not care that everything told to you is a lie. He creates a wonderful fantasy of himself. Designed to ensnare and impress you. He will make you feel how lucky you are to have met someone as amazing as his smooth dazzling self.

Huge Ego

5. They play victim

Of course, if the only part of his persona that you saw was his ego, it would be quite off putting. After all, nobody likes a show off. It is therefore important to the sociopath to play victim. He will tell tales of how awful his childhood was. How he was treated badly by his exes. What a wonderful caring person he is. He will make up incredible stories, designed to evoke pity and sympathy. If he is almost caught in a lie, he will try to deflect attention from this, and try to make you feel sorry for him. You will find that often when almost caught he will suddenly be very ill and almost need hospital attention. He can tell tales of terrible life threatening illnesses of those close to him (who you have never met, and most likely never would).

His ability to switch to victim mode will make you feel sorry for him. It will take attention away from the truth that you are so close to discovering. It will make him seem weak and vulnerable. It will also encourage you to open up to disclose your vulnerabilities and weaknesses. It will build a false sense of trust and a fake bond, which is felt when two people share their vulnerabilities.

 Plays victim

6. They want to spend ALL of their time with you  – showers you with attention and flattery

At first it can feel flattering. The sociopath, once they have selected you as an appropriate target, makes you the centre of attention and the focus of their world.  They bombard you with telephone conversations, texts, and he wants to see you every minute of every day.

At first this is flattering. But after a while you long to see old family and friends. You wish that he/she had his own family and friends to spend time with. But as his are not around, you introduce him to your own inner circle. You become as inseparable as twins separated at birth. This not only moves the relationship forward incredibly fast, before you are ready, but creates a false sense of intimacy, which is mirrored from relationships of couples that are falling truly and deeply in love.

Wants to spend all of their time with you, bombards you with 'love' and 'affection'

7. Sexual charisma and magnetism

All sociopaths have a great deal of testosterone. They will stare you straight in the eyes, a look which can feel sometimes uncomfortable. As sociopaths do not particularly care what others think of them and have big egos you will feel a great sexual chemistry. Before you sleep with them, they will brag to you how amazing that they are in bed. Mostly, this is the one time that they are telling the truth.

A sociopath usually has good staying power in bed. And can last far longer than most non sociopaths. They have energy to burn and love to show off their sexual prowess in bed. This chemistry between you can leave your heart racing, and you begging for more. When it comes to sex, a sociopath rarely says no. You will feel sexually very connected and compatible. Again misleading you into thinking what a great match you both are together. Sociopaths are often very sexy due to high levels of testosterone.

Has great sexual charisma, and stamina in bed.

9. They are compulsive pathological liars, manipulative and deceptive

Most people feel uncomfortable telling a lie, and usually need to confess the lie and have a need to be honest. A sociopath is opposite to this. A sociopath actually feels uncomfortable telling the truth.

The lie is his weapon. It is his protection from the outside world. Sociopaths lie about everything and everything. They will make up huge stories, lies that they would obviously get caught out about later on, they will continue to tell, and when you are close to revealing the lie, they will lie further to protect the lie. Protecting the lie is more important than your feelings.

When caught in a lie a sociopath will always

  • ·         Change the subject
  • ·         Blame someone else
  • ·         If pushed will become angry, and point out your shortcomings, but rarely will he ever admit to the lie.

The only exception to this is when his lies are so close to becoming uncovered, he knows that he risks losing you, and he has not yet finished with you for source for supply. In this case, he can confess lots of lies. And apologise for lying to you. He would do this only in a drastic situation, and would do this to rebuild trust, so that he could continue to manipulate you and use you some more.

A sociopath can go to great lengths to cover for his lies. An example of this, is someone who ‘fakes’ going to work every day, so that they can live off of you for free, whilst they are (fictitiously) waiting for pay.

liar

10. Lives like a parasite

Sociopaths cannot really see the point of working hard for long hours and little pay. There are far easier ways for them to obtain things for free. Often a sociopath will see YOU as his/her career option. At first you will not mind. After all, the relationship has moved with speed, and you are now sharing your life together. He will give glib promises, of how he will repay you, how special you are. You are made to feel like he is doing you a huge favour. He tells lies, so that you think that he isn’ t just some dead beat loser. He will talk of business plans, or a great career, and that maybe he is just temporarily down on his luck. But he sells you a good, honest moralistic man, with great prospects (it is all a lie).

Sociopaths love getting anything for free. They see this as ‘winning’ and it makes them feel good. It makes them feel good for two reasons.

  1. It shows how stupid other people are (and therefore how clever they are)
  2. It enables them to have the very best in life, with very little stress, effort, responsibility or commitment.

All sociopaths do this, even those who work. Even high functioning sociopaths like certain politicians, who put in false claims for expenses and live off a great life at the tax payers’ expense.

Freeloader!

11. Comes on strong and moves fast

If you meet someone and they are keen to move the relationship forward fast, be aware. Somebody who has faith and confidence in who they are will want to spend time getting to know you, learning about you. Finding out all they can, to ensure that you are a good match for them. After all, not everyone is compatible.

If you meet someone and they stay at yours from the beginning and by 6 weeks they move their things in, and propose marriage be wary. Take a step back. A sociopath always moves fast, and comes on strong. They do this to stop you from changing your mind, from seeking opinions from other people (which might be negative towards him), and by increasing the maximum amount that he can scam you for. He is keen, yes, but not on you, on what he can get from you. And the sooner he can begin this process, the better. He never knows how long he will be around for.

fast lane

12. Seems to have so much in common with you, appears a ‘soulmate’ connection

A sociopath, not really experiencing real true emotions of his own, is capable of mimicking the emotions wants and needs of others. He will mirror you to be your perfect partner.

You will be surprised, at just how much you have in common. You seem to have so many common interests, and also common goals in life. You appear to have a deep connection, which almost feels spiritual. You can feel that you have known each other for years, or even many lifetimes.

If you are dating someone and you appear to have so much in common, that you feel like you almost like one person in two bodies, be aware. It could be a genuine connection, but it also has the risk, that you have met a sociopath who has already assessed you, and is now mirroring back to you, everything you are, everything that you need, and everything that you want him to be.

soulmate

13. Socially isolates you

One of the reasons that a sociopath will come on strong, and bombard you with affection, is because he wants you to not have the time to see other people. If he does this he has you all to himself. He will feel jealous of other people in your life. He will do anything to put you off of spending time with those that he feels is a threat to his existence.

Within a short space of time, you can find that you are no longer spending time with people who were once close to you. By socially isolating you, it makes you more difficult to leave. You become reliant and dependent on him. Thinking that this is all that you have left in your life, he is the only one who understands you. If you look back and realise that you see less people in your life now, than when you first met, this is not a good sign.

In a healthy relationship, you are encouraged to spend time with whatever friends that you choose. You are encouraged to grow and to have space to breath. A sociopath rarely gives you breathing space. You will end up feeling that you do not have time for anything or anyone else.

lonely

14. Is very dramatic

Sociopaths are always dramatic. They tell big stories, are manipulative and deceptive. They appear to be larger than life characters. They are always charming, and he always story to tell. They are smooth talkers and they stand out. He loves to be the centre of attention. They do not mind having dramas or who sees them doing this, as they simply ‘do not care’. They are either dramatically telling lies, manipulating, deceiving, being dramatic victims, or dramatic pleadings that they will change.  Whatever they do, they will always seem larger than life. Sociopaths LOVE drama. they are drawn to it like magnets. If there isn’t any drama, well they will create some.

overdramatic

15. Lack of life plan and long term goals

Some sociopaths work (high functioning ones), but low functioning ones do not. If they do work, they can rarely hold down a job for too long as they do not like routine, or being told what to do. Often they lose their jobs, or have a history of trouble in the workplace. Unless given an easy route for working, many sociopaths think that work is beneath them, and treat work with contempt. After arguments a sociopath might promise to change and get a job. But this is not very likely.

They do not make long term goals like everybody else. They are so busy lying cheating, manipulating and scamming. It is as if they do not have the time to make goals in life. Most people realise that to have anything in life they need to work hard for it. A sociopath works hard, for himself as he works hard at scamming and cheating others. But he cannot see why he would need to work hard to get things like holidays, or anything else. Although he will promise you that this is exactly what he plans to do. He will make plenty of promises, which will rarely come true.

A sociopath is so consumed by the drama of today, what is happening in the next few months do not seem of importance. They will lie today, and not think about how this will affect them in the future.

strategies-for-change

 16. Immaturity

Most sociopaths are also very immature. Because they cannot learn from the past and keep repeating the same mistakes over, they are unable to grow up, and act in a more mature manner that has respect for other human beings. The sociopath has no real care for the rights of others. But he may feign care, if he thinks that it is to his advantage. If he thinks that showing care will lure you in, or seduce you, or manipulate you, he will act responsible and caring.

Like a teenager, the sociopath is demanding (masked with charm), and very selfish. They only think of their own needs (what is in it for me)? A sociopath is unable to put the needs of others before their own needs. A sociopath thinks that the entire world revolves around them.

EncyclopediaOfImmaturity

17. Predatory stare

Ok, they don’t all look THIS crazy…. but this is an example of predatory stare!! Jimmy Saville – definately a Sociopath who hid behind his celebrity status to abuse.

Ok, they don't all look THIS crazy.... but this is an example of predatory stare!! Jimmy Saville - definately a Sociopath who hid behind his celebrity status to abuse.

It is not just the ‘stare’ (see above) The sociopath also comes up CLOSE.  It can feel quite uncomfortable, as he focuses his gaze onto you. His body language, gives you little space to breath. You can literally feel like you are ‘prey’. Sometimes the sociopath looks at you like you are his next lunch and he is very hungry! At first, this is flattering, later into the relationship it can feel ‘suffocating.

18. Will always blame someone else – lack of remorse, guilt or shame

When a sociopath has had a sociopathic, narcissistic meltdown (remember most of the time he has his mask on), you will see signs of insanity. The sociopath is deceptive and manipulative, and will cheat, lie and con. But you will not be aware of this.

When the sociopath is caught in his actions, he will show a total lack of remorse, guilt or shame. You might be shocked. This is a side that you have not seen before. Usually when the sociopath is behaving this way, he is often in ruining stage and just will ‘not care’. There will be no empathy for how you are feeling. He will show no remorse, guilt or shame for his actions.

The sociopath is never to blame, everything will always be somebody else’s fault. A sociopath will never admit to his wrong doings, instead he will either blame someone else, or ignore you, and your pain and move onto a new source for supply.

19. Jealousy and paranoia

The sociopath is extremely jealous and paranoid. Will accuse you of things that you haven’t done (that often they have done). You will feel that you are constantly defending yourself against false accusations.

Sociopaths are very deceptive about who they are

santa

Copyright © datingasociopath.com 2013

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403 thoughts on “Top 18 signs that you were dating sociopath!!”

  1. My sociopath just robbed me and my business blind. $300k our the door. Hopped in the motorhome and took off. Left me the 3 kids; age 5,3,1. Then files a restraining order on me afraid I’ll throw acid in her face! She’s living large out there claims she just wants to be alone.

    1. Sorry that happened to you.
      I think the guy i am dating is a sociopath.
      He even told me he was an unempathic sociopath so i read this article we got into it last night and he said some really hurtful things. It was like he was a completely different person. Reading this it sounds just like him. And im an empathic women . so we do not mix.
      Josh , i hope everything gets better for you and the little ones. Chin up !

      1. Sociopaths love empaths. They like to play on your emotions. Empaths can be drawn to sociopaths because a) they are not weighed down by the sociopaths emotions (they don’t have any) b) sociopaths play victim well and empaths like to rescue.

  2. yes…..as an empath…i am a serial sociopath, addict magnet. i just recognized it early….but can a sociopath change and be a normal feeling being?

    1. Simple answer NO….sociopathy is a personality DISORDER…it’s a brain wiring defect…not able to be changed…they are missing the part of the brain to FEEL for others (or anything really) yet intellectually they can be very adaptable to cope…so NO…sadly, they can’t change….so, don’t expect them to.
      There are possibly advantages of not being able to care a f***…but as a person able to FEEL – I wouldn’t give it up for the world. It’s why they can get a bit narky toward you….esp if you get a little too happy.
      So learn to identify them & move away or at least keep emotional distance…coz, they’ll USE your emotions to bring you down. They are NOT happy chappies deep under….that’s for sure…but they sure know about ENVY…& chronically bored – so regarded as high conflict people.

  3. I recently got out of a nasty, toxic relationship with a girl who I am confident is a sociopath. She has outwardly stated that he is mentally ill, and there were many of these red flags that I very foolishly ignored.
    We dated for 6 months, but because we saw each other so often in the beginning, we (or I, should I say) developed feelings for each other quickly.
    Sign 1: None of my friends liked her, and for good reason. She was very rude, openly insulting my friends casually after just meeting them. She was a very unpleasant and rude person in general.
    Sign 2: She is INTENSELY attention-seeking, and is a party rat. Before dating me, she would casually bring up stories about all the different hook-up stories she had and different people she had sex with. She would also get upset at me when I told her that those stories made me feel uncomfortable, and since I am not as aggressive as she I caved in and accepted that it was something I should learn to deal with.
    Sign 3: She is a master of manipulation. As passive as I am (I am learning not to be so anymore) I had never had anyone so effortlessly make me do things for her like she did. She exploited my “nice-guy” attributes and my genuine desire to please her and make her happy for pure personal gain. I can’t tell you how many times I went out of my way during the day, when I was either busy or had other responsibilities, to either simply spend time with her or to get her something that she needed.
    Sign 4: Ego, ego, ego. The number one thing you need to know about this girl, do NOT attempt to jab at her ego. Small things such as correcting her for saying something incorrectly would turn an otherwise normal situation into a tense one where she is very angry and frustrated. She constantly needed to assure herself that she was the most intelligent person in the room, and it would be a dire situation if there was anyone who would challenge that.
    Every time I wanted to explain how difficult my coursework for my mechanical engineering degree was and how hard I worked, she took it as a jab and challenge to her intellect, even when it was completely unrelated to her.
    Sign 5 – Lack of remorse, impulsive behavior, and no empathy
    For me, the most difficult part about this relationship was how it ended. In order for this to make more sense, I need to give a little backstory.
    During the last 3 months of our relationship, she stayed in my apartment for a month and we were long distance for the last 2 months. We are both still currently in college, and at the end of those months would be the beginning of the school year again, so the distance would have only been temporary. Since she had all of her things with me since we lied together, I agreed to let her keep her stuff until she comes back and I would help her move into her new apartment.
    She would get back to college a few days before I would, and she broke up with me the day she got back. She told me that she was unhappy with the relationship and just wanted her stuff, and the only reason she was staying with me was because she was afraid that I would destroy her things if we broke up then. Keep in mind, in the entirety of this relationship, I had NEVER displayed any signs of violence or any other type of behaviors that would make that assumption reasonable. This was all over text, so my first reaction was to ask her for a phone call to at least speak to her. She agreed, and we spoke on the phone for a bit.
    She was completely emotionless, and basically blamed the whole failure of our relationship on me. I never had a person tell me so much with what’s wrong with me in my life.
    At that time, I ate it all up, and after we got off the phone, I believed her for a bit. She also picked up her things later that night since I told my roommate who was still living there to open the door for her.
    However, after a few days and some rational thinking, I realized that everything she said about me was bullshit, and I shouldn’t listen to her.
    I am not going to say that I am a perfect person, but I I am an honest enough person to recognize my shortcomings, but I would be lying to myself if I believed that those shortcomings were anything she said.
    After a few days broken up and I move back, and she texts me to “Check up on me”. She just wanted to make sure I was nice and miserable while she was living it up with her friends and going out. Eventually, she tells me that she had left some random things in my apartment that she missed the first time. Since the break-up was still fresh and I was still kind of desperate to see her, I agreed.
    We walk back to my apartment, and she is so happy and content, telling me about all the fun she’s having drinking and smoking with her friends, going to parties, and meeting other men. I am obviously uncomfortable, but I just ignore it.
    We get back to my apartment, and at that point I recognize what she was trying to do. She basically wanted an excuse to have sex.
    I was using a condom, but at some point it slipped out, and I made a comment like “Man I hate using condoms”. She then replied “Oh well you don’t have to use one, as long as you didn’t have sex with anyone else in the time that we broke up. You didn’t, have you?”
    I replied: “No, I havent.” Then I asked: “Did you?”
    She hesitated, then replied yes. At that point, the sex was very much over, and she immediately put her clothes back on and called a lyft as quickly as she could.
    Keep in mind that this happened within a week of us breaking up.
    Back to the situation, I am obviously mortified, but she was still very emotionless, and as soon as the sex was over, she tried to go back home as soon as possible.
    When she hopped in the lyft and went home, I texted her because I had so many bad feelings that just felt like a sink in my stomach.
    After texting her and telling her that she seems so moved on already, she replies saying “I’m sorry I’m not as sensitive as you are. I did some things I probably shouldn’t have”.
    My heart sank even deeper. I asked :”Like what? Please tell me”
    She says “Well the day we broke up a few hours later I had sex with my ex and when I went to your apartment later that night I was all covered in hickeys”.
    She also mentions that she had never really gotten over her ex, and that when they had sex, they didn’t just fuck but they “made love”.
    It was at that point that I realized this person is a sociopath and gains pleasure from inflicting pain on me because she knows that she has power over me because of my emotional state. The only reason she was texting me after and maintaining contact with me was because she is really horny and I am an attractive guy who she likes to have sex with.
    I’m still trying to get over this, I still have nights where my mind gets the better of me and I experience a lot of emotional pain. It was rough but next time I have to watch the signs, because a person who treats everyone like shit will also eventually treat you like shit.

    1. Hey Angelo. I am sorry that you have been through so much. she sounds very abusive. Know that what has happened is no reflection on you. The only way to truly heal from this is to cut her off. In every single way. Focus on you. The longer that you remain in contact the more prolonged pain will be.

      1. Thank you for taking the time to read my experience. Your words are very kind and I appreciate the advice and support. It really helps and I feel better reading your reply. Life is full of lessons and harsh experiences and instead of dwelling on them they should be lessons for the future.

        Best,

        Angelo

    2. I just went through a similar situation.. A man I believe was a sociopath and made me feel I was the only person on the planet that mattered. Even went as far as to tell me he cared about me more than himself.. he also treated others like crap unless he had something to gain from them. No real friendships to speak of either. This made me feel like I was the center of his universe. He as well had many past sexual experiences from which he told me about. He told me he would put me on the highest pedestal but if I F’d up he would knock me right off. I was accused constantly of messing around on him and I began fighting for my honor. Then he would tell me what a bitch I was and how selfish. He also would enjoy “rough” sexual but would constantly remind me how he would never hurt a woman and no other woman has ever been afraid of him. Sometimes the last face slap would leave a bruise and me crying. Somehow that would lead to me consoling him. Much like you I did many favors for him but he would insist he did so much for me. I believe when he thought he was unable to control me anymore he found his next victim. Of course I found out the hard way and he let me know how well she treats him to drive the knife in further. Just like you I lay awake often blaming myself and almost yearning for the relationship back, which is quite sick. I just want you to know you deserve so much better than her. I know it’s difficult but you have to cold turkey her out of your life. Take it as a learning experience and find someone who loves you for the caring man you are. Hopefully we can both recover from this horrific experience. Best of luck to you but please unload her for good. Sympathetic friend

    3. Angelo. All of us on this site know your pain. How? Because you found this site like we all did. If you read about experiences others have had you will swear you were dating the same person. That is because these traits appear over and over again in this personality disorder. I am sorry you had to experience this – it will scar you a bit and for a while you may be hyper-vigilant to these traits. You may meet someone else and think uh-oh or see these traits in people you know. You are not being paranoid – that’s your self protection kicking in. You like others here were taken by surprise. This person seduced you, made you feel special, made you jump through hoops, kept you off balance. You did things you wouldn’t normally do. Then, when they sucked you dry, they dropped you like hot iron and blamed you. You may feel broken right now, but trust me, they are the broken ones. You will hopefully learn and move on. They will repeat the same pattern over and over again with different people.

  4. Thank you for this post! My soon-to-be ex husband of 1.5 years is completely is a sociopath and has all 18 of these qualities exactly… this could be about him. It’s so shocking that the wonderful fun sweet soulmate was all an act. I want that guy! But he doesn’t exist. 😦 It’s healing to know that I’m not alone. Stay strong everyone and get your inner voice back!

  5. My sociopath was someone I worked with for years. Someone who had mentored me. I didn’t realize until after the fact that I’d been groomed and how patient he’d been. The weird thing was I remember being creeped out by him a little and not being the only one. But as time went on I believed I’d misread that contact. He was one that would put his hand on your arm when he talked to you and a few of us were uncomfortable with it. We were married and created distance with him. He wasn’t aggressive and seemed to get the message. I was on a different shift than him. He not only was a coworker in the hospital where we work but a personal trainer as a side job and at one point did real estate appraisals as well. Training and encouraging other coworkers in the field. I knew him for almost two decades like this.
    Eight years ago I had back surgery and subsequently got very into fitness. That is how he became a mentor and how we became close and also how I dismissed my original feelings about him. As I became stronger I would come to him for advice. He was always encouraging and said of course you can do this or accomplish that. He encouraged me to become a trainer and got me a job training clients. Even let me teach one of his group fitness classes. Eventually I enrolled at a gym that I later came to find out he frequented. In all those eight years and the years before he never made a pass at me nor had I the feeling of anything inappropriate other than that initial creepy feeling. I would frequently be in the gym while he was lifting with his sons and he appeared to be a great dad, always with his kids and always very encouraging.
    Things changed when I decided to leave my husband and he found out. The day I told him I was leaving my husband and moving out he asked me to lunch. He said he’d always had feelings for me. We talked about our relationships being unhappy and what we both wanted. It was like being seen for the first time. We wanted all the same things. He told me he’d been on and off with his wife and had at one time moved out and lived with another woman. He told me he lived in another room downstairs and hadn’t been intimate with her in a long time. He said he was going to move out and was looking to buy a house.
    I should note his wife also works in the hospital where we work but in another department and we have little contact with that department.
    He discussed buying a house and looked at houses with my other coworkers responding to questions about whether his wife liked the house and what she thought with I didn’t ask her, she doesn’t know. He talked about needing and eventually having benefits (healthcare and PTO) that his wife used to carry for him and the kids with other coworkers also.
    I moved out and we started seeing each other.
    He had already explained that when he and his wife had problems in the past it got ugly and uncomfortable in the hospital with lots of drama and people taking sides. He stated that they were both private and didn’t want anyone to know. There were also a lot of excuses about his divorce being complicated with assets and not wanting to have to give her more than what he had to so he couldn’t piss her off.
    He said he was in the process of moving out. He’d just rent a place and was filing for divorce. Meanwhile I was waiting. There were a few times when he came over or we saw each other but not many. A lunch date here or there or a meeting here or there. I’d seen he and his wife literally pass in the hall or cafeteria and not even acknowledge each other so I thought it was all plausible. One day in the cafeteria in front of coworkers she came up asked him where he was working and massaged his shoulders. He looked uncomfortable and was a little short with her. I broke it off with him that day. I told him do not call or text me until you move out. And I want to see you at least once or twice a week. He always had excuses for why he couldn’t see me, training clients, he had a ranch in another city close by and needed to go check on things.
    Of course we texted a lot during the time we were seeing each other and he kept the compliments coming. Super affectionate and when we did see each other super hot for each other. All the things I’ve since read about sociopaths coming on very strong, telling you they love you, can’t live without you and planning a future. We became attached emotionally way too fast and fell head over heals. Or I did and he said he did.
    I broke it off with him and stayed away. We were seeing each other maybe six weeks when I broke it off. Three days later he texted and said he had moved out. I told him I wanted proof and he sent me a picture of the room he was renting and promised to take me there. He was busy with the ranch and clients still and we weren’t seeing each other much so I broke it off again. This time we stayed apart maybe a month, month and a half.
    In addition to the busyness he was always suffering from there was his pushing me away emotionally and then apologizing. He would always apologize and say he would try to do better and that someday he would explain what had happened in his past to make him sabotage his relationships and why he pushed people away. Of course there was always “Next week” and “I’ll check my schedule” And in the meantime there were a lot of I love you, I miss you and passionate declarations of affection and admiration and super sexual texts. You’re the only one for me that kind of thing.
    He came around on my birthday with flowers and yet another apology asking for another chance. I was dating someone and told him I wouldn’t date him again till that ran its course. I told him he was the worst and he’d have to agree to be totally transparent and that if I took him back he’d have to work for it. We saw each other at work and the gym and the chemistry between us was undeniable, magnetic. We had it bad for each other and we got back together again. He swore he’d be an open book.
    We had always discussed living together, sharing a life together and wanting the same things.
    He knew I had kids, one young one and said he knew we were a package deal.
    This last go round was no different than the last. He sold the ranch and now was transitioning into a real estate career that frequently took him out of town. So another hurdle. Just prior to this he took his kids one of which was graduating high school to Hawaii. I heard from a gym mate it was a family trip. I asked him about it and he said he and his wife would be there at the same time but weren’t going together. He swore. I saw him the day he left. When he was in Hawaii the texts were several times a day and seemed to increase in intensity accompanied by pictures. There were pictures of the ranch prior to this. When he was in Hawaii he texted me he wanted to marry me someday. Said someday he hoped I would know he was the one for me. That I was his future. There were also some phone calls. I had hoped after the trip and selling the ranch life would settle down. We were seeing each other a couple times a week. He never spent the night but he was there until late in the night, early morning. An attentive lover and very hard working in that department. Along the way I had questions and he always had answers.
    Eventually a coworker came to me with a rumor she’d heard from a reliable source that he a woman from the other hospital in town was saying she was engaged to him. She approached me because we were friends. Of course he had a crazy story about it being a rouse to pacify her old and dying parents and his agreeing to her bizarre request. I told him no one with any integrity would behave that way. Supposedly this had been going on since before me and he had had to explain this to our boss eight to nine months earlier. My boss did know about it and a few other people. He was a good liar so everyone believed him not just me. And he had a good reputation. He’s the kind of guy who likes to be the guy you go to when you need something. People like him. Very charismatic. He’s also the kind of guy that makes you feel like the only one in the room when he’s talking to you and has a twinkle in his eyes. But the seed of doubt was already planted and I began to be distrustful asking him about his divorce which he swore was filed and would be final around the same time mine would be. He even had a date.
    I became concerned about where he was living. I went by his house and his car was in the driveway. I called him and he said his son had his car which lined up with what he had been telling me about him having had to fix his sons car and it needing a lot of work. We argued and I ended up apologizing for being paranoid and crazy. This relationship turned me into someone I didn’t even recognize.
    He said he got kicked out of the room he was renting when we’d been arguing. We discussed him finding another place to rent where I would be welcome. By this time he was supposed to be closing escrow on his house in a month or so. There were lots of offers and things had fallen through several times but finally the offer was accepted and he was in escrow so why spend a lot of money renting. He moved in with his son he said about 45minutes away and his son that lived in town was still borrowing his car.
    Somehow he always had the car for work that started at 4:30am until 6pm. He swore he was telling the truth. He took me to see the house he said was in escrow. It had a lock box on the door. Again stating we’d move in together and things would be different when we lived together.
    Around this time I became aware that you could look up a persons divorce on the county’s superior court website. He said he talked to his lawyer and it was filed and going to be final.
    It all got to be too much so one day I just started asking him why isn’t your divorce filed, why is your house still for sale (It was still on the market and in fact had just come on the market shortly after I saw it) and where are you living? By this time he had said he wasn’t still living with his son. I had asked before but hadn’t really pushed the issue accepting lame excuses. He got defensive, said I wasn’t supportive and said he wouldn’t keep trying to justify everything. He said he tried to give me what he wanted but just wasn’t ready to be in a relationship.
    This after I had tried to break it off several times and he would say just stick with me. I’m afraid I’m going to lose you. I don’t want to lose you.
    Since then it’s gotten pretty ugly. He showed a coworker divorce papers sealed by the court from 2006 supposedly. And told her to tell me about them claiming he couldn’t show them to me because he had tried and I wouldn’t look at them. Now he’s telling people I wanted him but he didn’t want to be with me and I’m angry. Saying we never had a relationship. I have the texts and pics he’s sent me and a few people know the truth and know he’s a complete sociopath. A few people are still struggling to justify or find reasons for what he’s said but he’s literally said so many different things to different people that the stories don’t line up.
    I’ve also heard about advances to other women I work with. He’s tested the waters with a few ladies I know.
    It’s not over yet. He’ll literally say or do anything. Every time he opens his mouth it’s a lie. I have no idea where it will end.
    In hindsight I was groomed. He saw when I was vulnerable and took the opportunity to tell me what I wanted to hear. He came on strong, appeared attached quickly and intimate quickly. He was grandiose, and extremely sexual and complimentary. But it was all lies. Now he’s been coming back to the gym where he hasn’t been in months. I guess he’s not that busy with work and his new career after all. No kids in tow so he really has no reason to be there.
    A sociopath will test your limits, turn you into a person you won’t even recognize and make you crazy, then they’ll hurt you and they will have absolutely no remorse. They are full of excuses and lies and when that doesn’t work they will appeal to your emotions and sense of empathy or even your sense of right and wrong and manipulate it to get what they want.
    He also did the “I hope we can be friends” thing every time we broke up which I’ve learned means he’s not done with you and wants to keep you around for the future.

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