Top 18 signs that you were dating sociopath!!


It can be hard to sink in that Mr or Mrs Perfect that you have been dating is actually a sociopath. You might search the internet looking for answers. You come up with a list of traits from the DSM about sociopaths, and you question is he/she really a sociopath? You read the list, and still you are not sure, after all he/she was just so ‘nice’. Yes you have started to discover things, but you are still not sure, you are confused.

The following is top 18 traits that are red flags. Whilst not a comprehensive list, these traits show that the person you are dating could potentially be a sociopath.

1. Charismatic and charming

For the sociopath, image is everything. At least the image that he/she gives to the outside world. When you first meet, you will be bowled over at just how charismatic and charming he/she is. He will constantly flatter you. Sometimes this will seem false to you, He/she might tell you how incredible that you look. You know that this isn’t true. You just got out of bed, sat in your dressing gown, no makeup, and yes, you did actually see yourself in the mirror. Despite this he will insist that you are the most amazing person that he has ever seen in his life.

Your mind tells you that this is probably not true, but we push this to the back of our minds. At the centre of who we are as human beings, we tend to like people who like us. It is flattering and it feels good. You will notice that the sociopath will not just charm you, but will also be charming to everyone that he comes into contact with, including and especially everyone that is close to you.

His words are smooth and fast, and he is never stuck for something to say. He can be amazing company, and can light up your life with energy, charisma, and promises of a rich and bright future ahead. He focuses all of his attention on you, and makes you feel like you are the most amazing person that he has ever met in his life.

Superficial and glib casanova

2. Superficial and glib

A sociopath will say just about anything to anyone to get what he wants. He is smooth, and words rolls words out of his mouth, without even thinking. There is something about the tall stories that he tells, which just do not ring true. Surely NOBODY could have been through that much, you tell yourself.  The things that he tells you and everyone else around you seem to be said for the façade for show.

You might witness him/her being one person with a certain person, and somebody completely different with somebody else. He will say one thing one day, and if you change your mind next day, he can change his mind to accommodate you. If it seems too good to be true, and things are not ringing true, that is your inner voice warning you. Ignore at your peril.

The sociopath will say anything. They will say things to you, that you have already told them. This is designed to build trust, so that you think that this person knows and understands you really well. They make false empty promises, waste your time, and say things that they have no intention of ever coming true.

3. Lack of connection to their past

It is often too late and you are emotionally involved, by the time that you realise you haven’t met anybody from his past. He/she often moved to your city/town for work reasons, or some other excuse. Or maybe you met online. At first it doesn’t occur to you that you have never met anybody of significant importance to him. There are no lifelong friends, no family members who come to visit. After a while you will ask, but he will make excuses.

Most people do not meet others close in the very initial stages of a relationship; it’s usually an intimate time. Because of this, at first, you do not notice this lack of connections from his past. It is as the relationship progresses, and after you have introduced him to everyone that is close to you, you start to wonder, when you will meet people that he is close to?

Somebody who is as perfect as he/she seems, who is as charismatic as they are, who meets people so easily, would have other people from their past in their life. And if you are the love of their life, as they so frequently tell you, then they would be keen to show you off to people close to him/her.

Lack of connection to their past

4. Huge ego

All sociopaths are narcissists, but not all narcissists are sociopaths. Because of this, all sociopaths have a huge ego. When you meet, they will tell you a huge list of things that make them sound absolutely remarkable. They will talk of big business plans, success that they have had in the past. How in demand they are with the opposite sex (but how they have chosen you, because you are special). They will talk of incredible success with careers. And most definitely brag of how amazingly skilled they are in bed.

They will sell themselves to you, like a top notch car salesman selling his cars on the parking lot. He will not care that everything told to you is a lie. He creates a wonderful fantasy of himself. Designed to ensnare and impress you. He will make you feel how lucky you are to have met someone as amazing as his smooth dazzling self.

Huge Ego

5. They play victim

Of course, if the only part of his persona that you saw was his ego, it would be quite off putting. After all, nobody likes a show off. It is therefore important to the sociopath to play victim. He will tell tales of how awful his childhood was. How he was treated badly by his exes. What a wonderful caring person he is. He will make up incredible stories, designed to evoke pity and sympathy. If he is almost caught in a lie, he will try to deflect attention from this, and try to make you feel sorry for him. You will find that often when almost caught he will suddenly be very ill and almost need hospital attention. He can tell tales of terrible life threatening illnesses of those close to him (who you have never met, and most likely never would).

His ability to switch to victim mode will make you feel sorry for him. It will take attention away from the truth that you are so close to discovering. It will make him seem weak and vulnerable. It will also encourage you to open up to disclose your vulnerabilities and weaknesses. It will build a false sense of trust and a fake bond, which is felt when two people share their vulnerabilities.

 Plays victim

6. They want to spend ALL of their time with you  – showers you with attention and flattery

At first it can feel flattering. The sociopath, once they have selected you as an appropriate target, makes you the centre of attention and the focus of their world.  They bombard you with telephone conversations, texts, and he wants to see you every minute of every day.

At first this is flattering. But after a while you long to see old family and friends. You wish that he/she had his own family and friends to spend time with. But as his are not around, you introduce him to your own inner circle. You become as inseparable as twins separated at birth. This not only moves the relationship forward incredibly fast, before you are ready, but creates a false sense of intimacy, which is mirrored from relationships of couples that are falling truly and deeply in love.

Wants to spend all of their time with you, bombards you with 'love' and 'affection'

7. Sexual charisma and magnetism

All sociopaths have a great deal of testosterone. They will stare you straight in the eyes, a look which can feel sometimes uncomfortable. As sociopaths do not particularly care what others think of them and have big egos you will feel a great sexual chemistry. Before you sleep with them, they will brag to you how amazing that they are in bed. Mostly, this is the one time that they are telling the truth.

A sociopath usually has good staying power in bed. And can last far longer than most non sociopaths. They have energy to burn and love to show off their sexual prowess in bed. This chemistry between you can leave your heart racing, and you begging for more. When it comes to sex, a sociopath rarely says no. You will feel sexually very connected and compatible. Again misleading you into thinking what a great match you both are together. Sociopaths are often very sexy due to high levels of testosterone.

Has great sexual charisma, and stamina in bed.

9. They are compulsive pathological liars, manipulative and deceptive

Most people feel uncomfortable telling a lie, and usually need to confess the lie and have a need to be honest. A sociopath is opposite to this. A sociopath actually feels uncomfortable telling the truth.

The lie is his weapon. It is his protection from the outside world. Sociopaths lie about everything and everything. They will make up huge stories, lies that they would obviously get caught out about later on, they will continue to tell, and when you are close to revealing the lie, they will lie further to protect the lie. Protecting the lie is more important than your feelings.

When caught in a lie a sociopath will always

  • ·         Change the subject
  • ·         Blame someone else
  • ·         If pushed will become angry, and point out your shortcomings, but rarely will he ever admit to the lie.

The only exception to this is when his lies are so close to becoming uncovered, he knows that he risks losing you, and he has not yet finished with you for source for supply. In this case, he can confess lots of lies. And apologise for lying to you. He would do this only in a drastic situation, and would do this to rebuild trust, so that he could continue to manipulate you and use you some more.

A sociopath can go to great lengths to cover for his lies. An example of this, is someone who ‘fakes’ going to work every day, so that they can live off of you for free, whilst they are (fictitiously) waiting for pay.

liar

10. Lives like a parasite

Sociopaths cannot really see the point of working hard for long hours and little pay. There are far easier ways for them to obtain things for free. Often a sociopath will see YOU as his/her career option. At first you will not mind. After all, the relationship has moved with speed, and you are now sharing your life together. He will give glib promises, of how he will repay you, how special you are. You are made to feel like he is doing you a huge favour. He tells lies, so that you think that he isn’ t just some dead beat loser. He will talk of business plans, or a great career, and that maybe he is just temporarily down on his luck. But he sells you a good, honest moralistic man, with great prospects (it is all a lie).

Sociopaths love getting anything for free. They see this as ‘winning’ and it makes them feel good. It makes them feel good for two reasons.

  1. It shows how stupid other people are (and therefore how clever they are)
  2. It enables them to have the very best in life, with very little stress, effort, responsibility or commitment.

All sociopaths do this, even those who work. Even high functioning sociopaths like certain politicians, who put in false claims for expenses and live off a great life at the tax payers’ expense.

Freeloader!

11. Comes on strong and moves fast

If you meet someone and they are keen to move the relationship forward fast, be aware. Somebody who has faith and confidence in who they are will want to spend time getting to know you, learning about you. Finding out all they can, to ensure that you are a good match for them. After all, not everyone is compatible.

If you meet someone and they stay at yours from the beginning and by 6 weeks they move their things in, and propose marriage be wary. Take a step back. A sociopath always moves fast, and comes on strong. They do this to stop you from changing your mind, from seeking opinions from other people (which might be negative towards him), and by increasing the maximum amount that he can scam you for. He is keen, yes, but not on you, on what he can get from you. And the sooner he can begin this process, the better. He never knows how long he will be around for.

fast lane

12. Seems to have so much in common with you, appears a ‘soulmate’ connection

A sociopath, not really experiencing real true emotions of his own, is capable of mimicking the emotions wants and needs of others. He will mirror you to be your perfect partner.

You will be surprised, at just how much you have in common. You seem to have so many common interests, and also common goals in life. You appear to have a deep connection, which almost feels spiritual. You can feel that you have known each other for years, or even many lifetimes.

If you are dating someone and you appear to have so much in common, that you feel like you almost like one person in two bodies, be aware. It could be a genuine connection, but it also has the risk, that you have met a sociopath who has already assessed you, and is now mirroring back to you, everything you are, everything that you need, and everything that you want him to be.

soulmate

13. Socially isolates you

One of the reasons that a sociopath will come on strong, and bombard you with affection, is because he wants you to not have the time to see other people. If he does this he has you all to himself. He will feel jealous of other people in your life. He will do anything to put you off of spending time with those that he feels is a threat to his existence.

Within a short space of time, you can find that you are no longer spending time with people who were once close to you. By socially isolating you, it makes you more difficult to leave. You become reliant and dependent on him. Thinking that this is all that you have left in your life, he is the only one who understands you. If you look back and realise that you see less people in your life now, than when you first met, this is not a good sign.

In a healthy relationship, you are encouraged to spend time with whatever friends that you choose. You are encouraged to grow and to have space to breath. A sociopath rarely gives you breathing space. You will end up feeling that you do not have time for anything or anyone else.

lonely

14. Is very dramatic

Sociopaths are always dramatic. They tell big stories, are manipulative and deceptive. They appear to be larger than life characters. They are always charming, and he always story to tell. They are smooth talkers and they stand out. He loves to be the centre of attention. They do not mind having dramas or who sees them doing this, as they simply ‘do not care’. They are either dramatically telling lies, manipulating, deceiving, being dramatic victims, or dramatic pleadings that they will change.  Whatever they do, they will always seem larger than life. Sociopaths LOVE drama. they are drawn to it like magnets. If there isn’t any drama, well they will create some.

overdramatic

15. Lack of life plan and long term goals

Some sociopaths work (high functioning ones), but low functioning ones do not. If they do work, they can rarely hold down a job for too long as they do not like routine, or being told what to do. Often they lose their jobs, or have a history of trouble in the workplace. Unless given an easy route for working, many sociopaths think that work is beneath them, and treat work with contempt. After arguments a sociopath might promise to change and get a job. But this is not very likely.

They do not make long term goals like everybody else. They are so busy lying cheating, manipulating and scamming. It is as if they do not have the time to make goals in life. Most people realise that to have anything in life they need to work hard for it. A sociopath works hard, for himself as he works hard at scamming and cheating others. But he cannot see why he would need to work hard to get things like holidays, or anything else. Although he will promise you that this is exactly what he plans to do. He will make plenty of promises, which will rarely come true.

A sociopath is so consumed by the drama of today, what is happening in the next few months do not seem of importance. They will lie today, and not think about how this will affect them in the future.

strategies-for-change

 16. Immaturity

Most sociopaths are also very immature. Because they cannot learn from the past and keep repeating the same mistakes over, they are unable to grow up, and act in a more mature manner that has respect for other human beings. The sociopath has no real care for the rights of others. But he may feign care, if he thinks that it is to his advantage. If he thinks that showing care will lure you in, or seduce you, or manipulate you, he will act responsible and caring.

Like a teenager, the sociopath is demanding (masked with charm), and very selfish. They only think of their own needs (what is in it for me)? A sociopath is unable to put the needs of others before their own needs. A sociopath thinks that the entire world revolves around them.

EncyclopediaOfImmaturity

17. Predatory stare

Ok, they don’t all look THIS crazy…. but this is an example of predatory stare!! Jimmy Saville – definately a Sociopath who hid behind his celebrity status to abuse.

Ok, they don't all look THIS crazy.... but this is an example of predatory stare!! Jimmy Saville - definately a Sociopath who hid behind his celebrity status to abuse.

It is not just the ‘stare’ (see above) The sociopath also comes up CLOSE.  It can feel quite uncomfortable, as he focuses his gaze onto you. His body language, gives you little space to breath. You can literally feel like you are ‘prey’. Sometimes the sociopath looks at you like you are his next lunch and he is very hungry! At first, this is flattering, later into the relationship it can feel ‘suffocating.

18. Will always blame someone else – lack of remorse, guilt or shame

When a sociopath has had a sociopathic, narcissistic meltdown (remember most of the time he has his mask on), you will see signs of insanity. The sociopath is deceptive and manipulative, and will cheat, lie and con. But you will not be aware of this.

When the sociopath is caught in his actions, he will show a total lack of remorse, guilt or shame. You might be shocked. This is a side that you have not seen before. Usually when the sociopath is behaving this way, he is often in ruining stage and just will ‘not care’. There will be no empathy for how you are feeling. He will show no remorse, guilt or shame for his actions.

The sociopath is never to blame, everything will always be somebody else’s fault. A sociopath will never admit to his wrong doings, instead he will either blame someone else, or ignore you, and your pain and move onto a new source for supply.

19. Jealousy and paranoia

The sociopath is extremely jealous and paranoid. Will accuse you of things that you haven’t done (that often they have done). You will feel that you are constantly defending yourself against false accusations.

Sociopaths are very deceptive about who they are

santa

Copyright © datingasociopath.com 2013

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345 thoughts on “Top 18 signs that you were dating sociopath!!”

    1. This describes my recent ex to a T. FINDING excuses of reasons why he was mad at me, and stupid stuff. Would get mad at me for texting and telling me I texted him 4 or 5 times when it was once. Mad for being concerned about him because I hadn’t heard from him, and we had a routine for 2 months. After he had seen me the last time, he did this. Blamed me for cheating on him with an ex, but later in an email told me he didn’t say that. It is very strange. He was very hypocritical, and saying he was annoyed with me doing these things but he was doing them also. It was very confusing, and I was hurt emotionally in the end. I am scared after now seeing this page, and hoping he doesn’t show up at my doorstep. He doesn’t like to put anything with relationships with social media, but yet blasted me with all our business. His name is Victor Santiago and lives in the Bronx, NY. Beware. This man is very intelligent, and told me sad stories, and even tells me how sick his Mom is. He did a 360 I tell ya. It went from overly gentle and loving to cookoo screaming man. Please beware.

      1. I have been in a roller coaster situation, very similiar or exact to yours. I would say relationship but I don’t know what it was or is anymore. The man that I fell for changed in a rapid heartbeat. he went from begging to take me out, I have every message from him saved, to refusing to go anymore and then would scaringly go off on my phone for 18hrs pleading sexually to come over. He refused to answer any questions I asked and would turn his head other direction. He’s told outrageous stories none of which I could ever prove, made broken promises, and endless excuses that have built from the start. I knew from the beginning something was off, especially the crazy, long stare he gave me when we first went out, but I overlooked thinking he was really interested. Currently he’s on his no talking stage with me, again, saying he needs space, and is dealing with personal and professional issues, a common excuse for him, but refuses to explain, he said that after I went to his work wanting to know why he said he’d see me when he couldn’t even respond to my texts again. I sent 3 texts and that was a problem, he plays repeated games with his phone to me, where he will send one text and I will respond and he refuses to reply. His latest reason was that he ignores everyone. I’ve become very sick from this physically.being that he’s on his no going near me phase, not sure if it’s permanent, he left me with one disturbing line, he will contact me when he’s ready to get with me, and asked if that sounds like a deal. I’m devastated by this. Don’t know what to do

  1. Wow, this is putting my ex into perspective. He duped me into believing he truly loved me when he was just using and manipulating me for sex. My ex-boyfriend was very charming and smooth, I was attracted to him sexually almost immediately. After 2 weeks he already said he loved me and by the end of the month I was already his ‘soulmate’ and wanted to marry me. A lot of what he was saying at first sounded too good to be true but I wanted to believe him and eventually I fell for him and his lies. I began to lose my self, my whole life became about him and I was hopelessly addicted to him, just as he told me I would be. Just about the time I gave up my values for him he dumped me and went cold.

    I found out later he was having sex with multiple women while he was with me, telling them he loved them, telling them the same lies, the same stories. I began to see that he used, duped and discarded women as a way to feed his ego and derive a sense of power.

    Sad thing is, I shouldve known better. He told me once that he had a very hard heart and he doesn’t care about other peoples ideas. Of course I thought nothing of it because he was talking about his past self and he changed from that. But, he was actually talking about how he is now! He’s a psychopath and he has no empathy for others.

    1. Hi Eva

      This site is such a comfort and I just want to warn people out there about someone called Michael Bate who lives in Cannock in Staffordshire ( England ).
      I met him last year at a rock festival while he was still married and admittedly he did not make a move then
      In May 2015 his wife walked out on him ( and a 16yrold mid GCSE’s) after 29 years of being together, seemingly ‘overnight’ just leaving everyone letters – this should have been a red flag.
      He contacted me via facebook in June and we eventually met mid August but from the start of August when we started speaking, he phoned me every day for about 10 weeks for approx 2 hours a day, texted me, wanted to see me every weekend ( we are 2 hours apart ) seemingly worshipped me and the ground I walked on, asked me to move to Stafaffordshire with him after about 6 weeks ( when he finally got all the divorce details sorted out ) loads of gigs organised for the future – up to June 2016, a very attractive man with long hair ( and I made no bones about telling him this and was surprised when he told me no-one had told him this before ) , he could not do enough for me, and I could not believe my luck. He wanted to do the same as me ( move to the coast in 2 yrs time ), told me our connection was just so great and where was I 30 years ago!!! This was all in the space of about 10 weeks.
      However, one weekend – when again he had begged me to go up there again, there was a row with the 2 daughters ( 16yr old who moved out for the weekend and the 25yr old ) and the 16yr old left the house on the Friday night and was not back Sunday lunchtime. In the meantime, I was ill with vomiting in the early hours of sunday morning and I could tell that he just wanted me to get out the way so he could deal with this daughters. As I was too weak to drive he eventually agreed to drive me home and got the train back.
      The next morning I got a text saying things were bad, he was bad, his daughter would not come home and he could no longer see me at weekends as he had to concentrate on his daughter – and we had the next 5 weekends lined up one being for my birthday, a gig, a Hallowe’en weekend etc. He said he was so messed up that he couldn’t even speak to me but that he wanted me to forgive him and stay friends.
      I phoned and texted many times that evening but he just ignored me. 2 days later I emailed him asking him to return items of property were at his house, which he did and he did answer texts relating to when the package would arrive. However when I emailed telling him I was confused, devastated and asking him to explain why he would not even speak to me, I have had no reply but he did manage to put on facebook the Saturday after he stopped speaking to me that he was down the pub with his friends. I have since blocked him from facebook.
      There were ‘flashes’ of him not caring which I did not take enough notice of.
      Of course his wife walking out was all her fault – I am now realising why she did and feel so sorry for her and amazed that she lasted as long as she did – poor woman.
      Make a note of the name again – Michael Bate – he is a very attractive charming man. If you don’t want the emotional abuse that I have suffered ( having all that attention with drawn overnight ) then do not fall for his constant attention and flattering lines.
      5 weeks on from that goodbye text, I have still heard absolutely nothing from him – not even on my birthday ( 3 weeks later ) and he was well aware of the date as I had booked a hotel that he had suggested. He has no compassion or sympathy for the emotional trauma he has caused me.
      I got not closure from him – but I did from this site, and reading the stories of others have realised what a lucky escape I have had.
      Than you all so much for restoring my sanity and I am now relieved at being free of such a nasty. manipulative piece of work.

      1. Thank you for sharing. I have been making myself completely crazy as I am left heart broken and devastated. I can’t believe that I let my self get in so deep. Honestly. He gave me everything I needed to hear durning a hard time in my life. I can’t even wrap my brain around how someone can not have any care for the hurt they deliberately cause.

      2. Hugs Michelle, this is no reflection on you. He deliberately targeted you when you were at a tough time of your life. The truth is that he would have kept you at this tough time of your life, and stopped you from healing and recovering. He provided the entertainment and the false illusion that he was lifting you up…. so when he leaves, you feel like you have gone back to the tough time in your life. This isn’t really true, it is more that he has held you back from healing and recovery, held you up and wasted your time. Start today on healing and recovery. Bring back the focus to you, take it one day at a time. This man will only bring further hurt and pain to you.

      3. Same thing for me. She couldn’t spend enough time with me at the start. Soul mates she said. Also said she had to spend time with her 18 year old daughter on the weekends after spending 2 months with me. Gutted me like a fish. I’m still trembling.

  2. I keep thinking I should have been more patient. He got violent in arguments and would say I hit him first. I pushed him away from screaming and spitting in my face. He would make changes like finally getting a job, cutting down on drugs, and gave me his passwords so I could trust him. That was a screamer in itself. Somehow I never felt safe in the relationship. I did a LOT for him and it was all taken for granted. From our first 2nd date he started playing girls against me. There was always one to fall back on, even exes who he treated badly. He proved this when we broke up before. Outside everyone (except those close to me) see him as fun and charming. My friends and family saw right through him and saw he was using me. Everything about him is a lie. True enough he’s looking for his next supply. He tried the tears and I just couldn’t believe it this time. He always would tell me things, bad things about himself which would make me think I was the one he was finally honest with. I know this was probably his tactic along with the sad stories. Am I being too mean though? I became a paranoid wreck, on edge he told me it was his fault to begin with why I didn’t trust him but he could not do anything more. I had to trust him for it to work. I felt like he would say things but his actions wouldn’t follow up. There were still always back ups. I tried explaining maybe we were not right and he would convince me we would work it out. I needed to be patient. I thought I was patient about so much. When he did pay rent it was so I couldn’t say he didn’t, his words. I felt everything that changed because I said other people mentioned it about him. I never felt anything was genuinely for us. I would never have stayed with someone who treated me like that before. I was so independant. Yet I’m still thinking of him. Even having many lies proved to me it’s like I still want more truth. Then again better I don’t as it hurts so bad.

    1. I cant beleive i found this site..everything about dating a sociopath could have been written about my relationship. He was mosr def a sociopath and nearly destroyed me…i am recovering slowley…but it hurts still…he was my best friends brother..my best friend died of cancer and we got together in grief..i broke up my marriage for this man and lived hin totally..but it was all lies…he used me so badly for financial gain and i fell for it…then when he was getting caught in this web of lues he left me..in 20 mins he destroyed my life…and walked away without a thought for me and the devestation he has caused..hes wrecked my life and my health…take care out there x

  3. I was stupid enough to fall for a sociopath. He admitted from the very beginning that he was a diagnosed Sociopath, for whatever reason I chose to ignore this “warning sign” (more like a freakin billboard with flashing lights!) I guess in part due to my ignorance and my want for a connection.

    Reading this helped me acknowledge something that up until now I was completely in denial about, he never truly cared for me, the connection I felt was a fabrication. He ticked every single box listed. Not only that, he completely encompassed the definition of a sociopath.
    I thought I had this “great love” and it took 9 months (not from a lack of trying) to completely end it. In fact I moved countries in the end due to my own struggle with mental illness, and decided I wanted no contact with him. Although, there was still something there. This guy put me through emotional hell, all I’d ever wanted was to feel loved/adored/connected a d he made me feel all of those things, but I am the type to question everything, things weren’t stacking up and he kept burying himself in lies, or as soon as I’d catch him out there would be nothing behind his eyes, he would then calmly and bluntly shrug it off, along with my feelings.
    Everything around me should be crumbling as the wound is so fresh, but this has helped release me. Thank you, thank you so much.

  4. Music has helped me so much through both the grief and rage stages of sociopath abuse recovery. One song that truly hit me was “Gravity” by Sara Bareilles. The lyrics are SO profound because of the “pull” the narcissist/sociopath has on us…sad but not romantic and just what I needed for a good cry. It is important to take time to grieve the fantasy while relieving anger at the sociopath. I oscillate between grief and rage, so when I am in rage mode, I focus the anger into working out @vixentalent ; I listen to Part of Me by Katy Perry, Fight Song by Rachel Platten, Shake it Out by Florence and the Machine (get that Devil off your back)! Also I can Love! by Vicki Martinez – because WE CAN love. They NEVER will. Read all you can & RUN!

      1. Tge above information may have just saved me from something horrible.

        A good song LULLABY, Assemblage 23

      1. Really?? just goes to show looks can most certainly be deceiving! Not that I find him attractive at all but he seems so genuine on TV etc. Just another perfect example of how hard it can be to spot them though I guess x

      2. Yes, Russell brand is such a narcissistic asshole. No wonder he like the Hare Krshna cult. That cult is FULL of sociopathic, child molesting gurus.

    1. I know this is an old thread but Katy Perry’s newest song “Rise” is my anthem and almost fit for anyone who has dated a sociopath, especially long term. If you haven’t heard it, I really suggest looking it up!

  5. I am a sociopath it’s a constant battle, but I doubt I’ll ever change. I don’t date, and haven’t been in a steady relationship since my marriage ended over 20 years ago…I don’t see this changing.

    It took a lot of years to realize what the hell was going on inside of me, why I felt nothing pretty much all the time. Over the years I’ve developed a better sense of self, but on the whole I still pretty much don’t give a f–k about anything, however I have mastered the skill of honesty…I won’t lie to save my life now, that sounds good? It’s not.

    The problem is when you take unabashed honesty and mix it with sociopath behavior you get someone so blunt and uncaring about the feelings of others, that they have zero problem telling you things you may not want to hear, and definitely in a way you don’t want to hear it.

    This is why I don’t date or even attempt to get into a relationship. I can’t (won’t ) be held responsible for how someone else feels, and I the very little part of me that can feel an ounce of emotion, I believe anyone deserves better than that.

    1. I’d like to hear this from you, a sociopath. When a woman showers you with praise, affection, gifts, etc. at first and then barely gives you anything, is she a sociopath? Are these warning signs I should be watching out for? My girlfriend did this, she went from white hot to icy in a manner of weeks.

      Every time I try to break up with her, she says “I’ll change! I’ll change! I’ll be affectionate!”. She does it for the first few days and then goes back to her normal icy self. You tell it like it is, so give it to me straight doc, am I being bamboozled here? She only ever shows me love and affection when I signal that I’m about to leave.

      She’s been picking fights with me frequently, or just outright ignoring me when I get closer to again.

      1. If you’ll permit me to offer some experience from a woman who had her pick of men, young or old, for well over 20 years. I’ve gotten a lot of gift in my lifetime, a lot of attention (both negative and degrading as well as positive and kind). No emotionally healthy woman or girl will treat another human being this way. I don’t know what is wrong with the woman who is treating you this way…she may have VERY valid, personal reason for being aloof and unaffectionate (maybe she has experienced date rape? molestation as a child? been the victim of a sociopath herself?). The reason why she is doing it is secondary to the fact that she is emotionally manipulating you. She may have an approach-avoidant attachment issue that needs to be resolved with intensive therapy with a psychologist before she can learn to healthily attach to other individuals.

        Do not allow someone to use that push-pull method of manipulation. Do not allow ANYONE to use you, or coerce you into buying them little gifts in order to stay. Also, ask yourself if you’re being an asshole, because if you are, she is right to be icy toward you and she should be the one walking away from you. If that last two lines really pisses you off beyond belief, then it is very likely YOU who has the problem. Either way, good luck to you~

    2. This is brave and caring , two qualities which sociopaths lack. My sociopath nightmare lacked courage (his) and he IST didn’t care about me, in fact he delighted in hurting me. I know a person also a sociopath who has a great marriage because he too is aware and does not enjoy hurting his family.

  6. My last ex showed ALL of these traits. Wish I had known this 3 years ago but, like they say, experience is the best teacher. He is an addict, has an extensive RAP sheet, constantly unemployed, a liar, theif (from me, companies, and people in my life), cheater etc. He drained and abused me emotionally, physically, and financially. For the first time in my life I started having anxiety attacks and felt constantly sick. I tried leaving several times, but he sucked me back in (clearly I had very poor self esteem), until he left me for his new victim. At first, I was devastated but now I feel sorry for both of them. I feel sorry for her because she has no idea what he has in store for her. I feel sorry for him because I cannot imagine a life where I could not truly connect, give and receive love with another person; what a sad existence. Listen everyone, don’t EVER give up on love. You all clearly have so much love, kindness and caring in your hearts–just imagine sharing it with someone who actually deserves it.

    1. Hello, apart from recovering from a relationship with a sociopath, being able to trust someone again is another challenge. After experiencing such deceit how can one trust anyone again? Having said that I like what Mattie says one should give love another chance but this time one should listen to our gut feeling and not ignore any red flags. Thank you for this web site.xxx

      1. Hi sarah, i think you need to give yourself time to heal and recover. This can take some time. It has taken me 18 months since we split. I think i am starting to trust again. Remember twisted psychological abuse can take a while to come undone. But it will come undone as long as you give yourself the time and stay away from them.

    2. I agree with you 100% .My ex used me for 5 yrs. He’s not only a sociopath but he’s also a raging alcoholic. I endured 5 years of physical and emotional abuse. He finally dumped me for someone else. I was angry at first. He moved out of my home and right in with his new victim. Now I feel sorry for this new person. She has not the slightest idea of what is in store for her. Drunken outbursts of rage , cheating, lying and mooching. Breaking things the screaming at 3 am. I’m fortunate that he left they even got restraining orders against me. I’ll rebuild my life. The only thing that worries me is him contacting me when she kicks him out again.

      1. Aragh the screaming at 3am Nette, my ears would ring. My stress levels were through the roof. Of it all of all the lying, cheating, stealing, manipulation, threats, ruining and smear campaigns the shouting at me. Yelling in the garden about me. Yelling middle of the night so the neighbours could hear. It was this that i hated the most.

  7. My ex is a classic sociopath. The more I learn about it, and speak to my counselor, and replay our relationship over in my head, the more I’m certain of it. I posted on another thread the details of what had transpired so I won’t go into it again, but we broke up just over 6 weeks ago.

    I haven’t started dating yet, but I have been talking to people and just trying to put myself out there so I’m not sitting home feeling sorry for myself. I’m pretty clear with everyone that I’m NOT looking for any sort of serious relationship, that I’m just going out and meeting people.

    However, it seems that EVERY SINGLE MAN I meet wants to marry me tomorrow. Ok, exaggeration, but, you get the point. I’m so overly cautious now that I take every little thing and convince myself it’s sociopathic behavior even when it may not be. How do I stop this? How do I recognize when it’s REALLY something to be concerned about?

  8. My user name may be PaulKress but I’m actually a woman. I’m clarifying that because, as a female, I’d like to offer some friendly words of kind caution. Many women (I’m not sure about men?) find that they are sociopath-magnets, for lack of a better phrase, for several months to a year AFTER ending the relationship with the sociopath. Please keep that in mind, when/if you begin to date again.

    I’m sure many women who have been the victims of sociopaths can identify with your statement that many men want to marry a beautiful, strong, confident, successful woman right away. Sociopaths seem to prefer the beautiful, strong, confident, successful types of women, because they love, love, love to tear women like that down to absolutely nothing. It makes them feel better about themselves, and less weak than they actually are (and sociopaths are unbelievably weak and very scared inside). That’s why they bully others…to feel strong and in control (unlike the weak and powerless child they were when they were abused).

    Just keep in mind that no emotionally healthy man (or woman) will want to marry you right away. I’m not saying that someone can’t look at someone else and say she/he is the person I’m going to marry someday. I’m saying that to actually get engaged or propose right away is a sign of desperation, immaturity, irresponsibility, an inability to be alone, and/or having a lack of foresight. I’d also add that someone who thinks like that does not recognize that a legal marriage is a legally binding contract in the eyes of the law FIRST. You wouldn’t buy a house or used car without doing your due diligence beforehand, so you certainly should be entering into a lifetime contract with someone you barely know. (you=any of us, not you personally).

    If it is genuine love…which we all know comes after getting to know someone and having shared experiences with them (both good and bad), it will also be genuine love in a year, or two, or three. There is no reason to rush into a marriage…ESPECIALLY not to rush into having children (choose the father/mother of your child with the utmost scrutiny). All of us deserve a healthy, loving, well-intentioned partner who is committed to making our life BETTER. A child NEEDS that in order to grow into an emotionally healthy, non-socioipathic adult. Please choose your date, mates, and father/mother of your children wisely. You can divorce that person, but a child gets stuck with them for life.

    Welcome back to reality, sanity, and the land of the sympathetic. It takes close to a year to heal. Be gentle and patient with yourself.

    1. I agree so much with this comment, particularly about the weak powerless child. I think that they stay in that mode, forever. This is why they need victims. They have to dominate, to make them feel better about themselves. I don’t think it was an accident that we split when I grew strong. Neither do I think it was an accident that he is now happier with someone who is used to being victim. He can play rescuer. Or so she thinks……I couldn’t play that role anymore.

      1. Yes, pg, your ex is going to play rescuer or anyone else that she needs him to play, until it no longer works. Then, he’s going to move along to his next acting job. The one constant will be that weak, powerless child. Like you said, that’s forever.

        Thanks for all you do to promote awareness of these hollow, walking shape-shifters.

    2. Thank you so much for that.That has cleared the confusion and I have realised that people have suffered far more than I have.
      Many Many thanks. You are an Angel

    3. Such a sympathetic, insightful and pragmatic piece. Thank you for sharing. I am freshly detaching from a gorgeous, charismatic grade A sociopath after 2.5 years. I was once a confident, positive, attractive professional woman who he whittled down so subtly over time to someone now in therapy, on anti-depressants and the occasional anxiety blocker. Today I am finally deleting all traces of his contact to self heal. I only recently found out he was already married to a Lady in the Bahamas, despite having introduced me to his family over here, and has adopted quite a disturbing Twitter persona that I don’t recognise as the kind, loving and gentle man he portrayed. He won the hearts of my young children and family, which I have been left to manage. I called him out and he is matching all of the above characteristics of lying, blame-shifting and stonewalling. This article and your insight give me great comfort and will accelerate my healing. It’s a relief to finally identify the kind of animal we have all been dealing with.

    4. Im just now coming out a 2 1/2 year relationship. I thought it was just a rough time in his life that he couldn’t seem to escape out of. But then he showed me his scary side and didn’t mind putting his hands on me at all. I haven’t let him come back but I am struggling with the fact that he had been sleeping with someone else for a long time before I found out and she has watched us go through this and is still with him! Does she think that she is immune because she already knew he was a sociopath? Or does that make her one too??? I don’t know how I will heal from all of this but my kids will definitely be safe away from his rage. Thank you for your insight!

  9. I TOT IT PATHETIC dAT PPLE THINK ITS A DISORDER OR MEDICAL CONDITION.BUT I HAD NO IDEA PPLE GOT HURT LIKE THAT.I Knew SOMETHING Was Wrong With Me Still I Dismissed It As ‘lucky charm’.
    I’ve never bothered telling d truth, even 2 my own self.nd i always lie 2 cova a blown lie.my Godmother Hated me wn i was little(nd my fam.) just cos she thought i was 2u smart 4 my age. She didn’t wnt her husband(hu’s a 4ma minister nd governor)2 sponsor my wducation overseas wt her children….so now i let pple think i’m dumb.sometimes i’d fail tests purposely,other times,i’d miss out on classes nd texts. I know how hard things have been 4 my parents 4 years now nd how hard they,ve tried just to give us the bestest education .it started out as depression but i can’t even tell how i became dis,a living shadow.
    I neva folw schedules,i hate work even if its washin dishes..i alwys wnt 2 hav a guy around me..nt dat i lyk ’em..it’s like i can nw face d world..i’m nvr sorry 4 anytn i do,i get angry dat i was caught.is der hope 4 me?

  10. I moved countries for my ex and left a successful job and life for him. When we moved in together in the UK, it became apparent that my loving boyfriend, who was constantly saying he wanted to marry me and loved me so much, was in fact extremely controlling about day to day life and also took very little interest in me. It was all about him. His dad had just died so I put it down to stress. If I criticised anything about him he would take it as an attack and would start raising his voice. He said I was ‘oppressive’ if I had any needs. Once at a wedding in Colombia, he told me he was going to speak to some friends and told me I couldn’t come over as it was ‘lads talk’ and ‘I wouldn’t like it’. When I asked him why I couldn’t come and not to leave me on my own.. he began to shout so loud that the entire wedding party turned around – he screamed and screamed and then walked out leaving me at the wedding in Bogota. When we got back to the hotel, he shouted ‘we’re finished! it’s over! you have ruined the wedding and humiliated me! you don’t like me seeing my friends!’.

    I had always been suspicious of his friends as they took coke and seemed to have an objectify attitude to women.. (one friend talked about how they used to ‘run through’ women.

    When we got back from the wedding to the UK, things calmed down again. By now we had been dating for two years (one year long distance and one living together). Our lives were completely joined though mutual friends we had made, families, our little dog. We both worked from home freelancing.

    One day we were going for dinner with aforementioned mysogininstic friend. I asked my ex to ask his friend not to mention my boyfriend’s previous love life at dinner which he had done before. My ex jumped up and started shouting ‘I don’t want to be with you anymore. You don’t like my friends’

    That day, on Easter Sunday, he packed his things and left. I never saw him again. I was left with nowhere to live and a dog to rehome. He didn’t ever ask how I was, if I had any money, where I was moving to, was I ok?

    He simply went to his mums house to live there down the road. And never once contacted me again. My brother was diagnosed with leukaemia in the coming weeks and I didn’t tell him.

    After three months I contacted him for my deposit on the house but he refused.

    This has been the most painful, shocking experience of my life. The ultimate callous discard.

  11. Just want to say thank you in an unfortunate way. I’m a guy who just got out of a 4 year relationship with a sociopath. I’m so drained from the confusion. I feel blessed to have come to my senses and read all the signs. I know others have had considerably worse scenarios than I but that doesn’t eliminate the confusion and hurt. My ex sent me texts posing as a Pastor. At first I actually thought it was from a Pastor that I knew, then as time went on the manner and style was so similar to my ex I actually called the guy and that was it. Anyway, thank you for having a forum to speak, not able to talk about this with family or friends. Its just to embarrassing and painful.

    1. Another anonymous, I definitely recommend you do NOT talk to your family and friends about what has happened. The vast majority of people in your life will not understand. Someone, actually anyone, whose been in a relationship with a sociopath/psychopath will understand better than those closest to you. If you have someone in your family who is a psychologist or in law enforcement, they might understand. Other than that, you’ll likely be better off with strangers who’ve dealt with these conscienceless assholes.  I’m sorry for what you experienced. Wishing you the best with your healing process. It took me about 6 months for the mental fog to lift, 11 months to begin to feel like I was getting back to myself again. It took me another 6 months after that to begin to want to get back out in the world. The first 6 months after I left were really very, very odd. I had PTSD, though so you may have a different experience. 

      Take care. It does get better~ From: Dating a Sociopath To: shameysnooper@yahoo.com Sent: Thursday, July 30, 2015 12:41 PM Subject: [New comment] Top 18 signs that you were dating sociopath!! #yiv5702170450 a:hover {color:red;}#yiv5702170450 a {text-decoration:none;color:#0088cc;}#yiv5702170450 a.yiv5702170450primaryactionlink:link, #yiv5702170450 a.yiv5702170450primaryactionlink:visited {background-color:#2585B2;color:#fff;}#yiv5702170450 a.yiv5702170450primaryactionlink:hover, #yiv5702170450 a.yiv5702170450primaryactionlink:active {background-color:#11729E;color:#fff;}#yiv5702170450 WordPress.com Another Anonymous commented: “Just want to say thank you in an unfortunate way. I’m a guy who just got out of a 4 year relationship with a sociopath. I’m so drained from the confusion. I feel blessed to have come to my senses and read all the signs. I know others have had consider” | |

  12. I had posted on this site last year about a very traumatic and damaging relationship I was in with a sociopath. Since then this man continued to try and contact me and still develope a relationship with me. He would call and say he needed help and needed a ride or some money. If was always in the manner of “I know I shouldn’t have wasted my time calling you”. In turn trying to get a rise or guilt out of me. I changed my car, moved, cut and dyed my hair and even changed my number, which I have had for 8 years. And still he emailed me or found some way to contact me. Every so often I would use a search engine to see if he was jailed again or moved out of state. I was surprised in my last search to find out that he had died. The bitter sweet feeling of knowing you don’t need to hide anymore mixed with how can I be so happy someone met their demise? I am happy and I don’t feel bad about it anymore. I’m free!

    1. Cannot wait to get where you are! Congratulations. I am still baffled by what has happened.. The mental work they do is so damaging and the things that they do is so unreal that you question yourself; no surely not.. especially when they are still coming back to you for the source. I have a hard time cutting him out totally; I pray I can get where you are sooner rather than later! Congratulations!

  13. I never thought I would be taken in by a manipulator, I was in a strong place and met ‘the perfect man’ who I thought would complete my life’s package. I had just bought a house on my own and was in a job I loved. So when a friend of mine introduced me to her colleague, a handsome charming
    pilot I fell in love. He was a text book Socio-path, he lured me in by showering me with attention, called me everyday after work just to chat, bought me flowers on a weekly bases and was basically the perfect gentleman, 3 months later he changed dramatically, there were stories that didn’t quite add up, other female ‘friends’ who called him in the evening, a love bite which he claimed to have given himself, and when i confronted him he played the sympathy card and told me that before we met he was suicidal. He blamed me for being insecure, using his knowledge of my father’s infidelity to convince me my lack of trust was my own issue…not caused by his constant flirting or inappropriate behaviour. He told his parents lies about me to make himself look like the victim but got terribly nervous around my family once my mother made it clear she wasn’t buying his bullshit, I do think this man needs psychological help but I no longer feel anything for him. He’s just lucky I never told his airline about his so called ‘suicidal’ tendencies…it would be a shame for him to loose his job..wouldn’t it?

  14. I think I’m dating a sociopath. It’s only been a month. We met when I was 17 and he was 21. Age has never been a problem for me and he said it wasn’t a problem for him. My friends and family are supportive of the age difference. Anyways, on the first day we connected right now. I opened up myself and he opened up talking about his past. In the early stages of our relationship, he would always fabricate these unecessary problems. I would talk to him about it and he would say that I’m pushing him away and that he would change. I would also like to add the fact that I am a very very independent person and I don’t need anybody. He knows this. He told me that he was diagnosed with bipolar and he stopped his meds. Whenever we get into an argument that he starts, he would always tell me that he loves and tries to bring up the stuff he does for me. He would say that he would change and that he promises to learn from his mistakes. He tries to see me everyday and when I don’t agree, he acts like a pissy bitch and tries to get me to see him anyways. He always blames everything on the fact that his birth mom left him and his birth dad was never around(he’s adopted). I feel like he needs to be in control of the situation hence he doesn’t like it when I answer I don’t know to him. Two days ago he hung out with one of my girl friends which I was cool with. After, he calls me and says that she wanted something to happen with him and he made her sound bad. As a result, she lost the respect of all her friends. I then found out from her that he said “I’m fighting the urge not to cheat”. I gave him endless chances to tell me because I kept asking me but he lied to convincingly to my face over and over again and promised me that he didn’t. When it came to that point where he was about to lose me, he admitted it. I told him that he is a liar and a manipulator. Tonight I then searched up that he was a liar and a manipulator and I came to the senses that he might be a sociopath. He is extremely emotional and knows exactly what to say. I called him out on being a sociopath and he doesn’t agree. He just wants another chance after I’ve been so patient with him. After reading what was on this website, he fits all the descriptions and it’s so scary. Please help. It’s only been a month but I feel so emotionally drained and exhausted already and I haven’t left him because I want to believe that he will be a better person. He says he’s going to talk to his therapist about the lying and manipulating thing and that he has started his full medication for bipolar. I’m just not sure what to think.

  15. Might have been a good article, but the formatting is screwed up and the left hand side is truncated in both IE and Firefox. Doesn’t anybody there read your own publications?

  16. BEWARE OF A serial dater that goes on match and probably other dating sites.His name is David G.Apetz. He is a sex addict ,drug addict who by the way put drugs in my drink without me knowing it ,kidnapped me,among other things which are to upsetting. Please stay away from him at all costs.He lives in Manhattan.

    1. Beware Pof they do not remove predators . It’s free and they really deny evidence which I sent to them of a charming psycho I encountered I 2012 stalking me on and off over four years supposedly ‘innocent’ cards, gifts etc. He isn’t single either but is sill predating.

  17. Ryan Ulm from Lubbock, TX fits this perfectly. He cannot hold a job for more than three or so months. He drinks on the job even if it’s a physical job that requires care. He spends his parent’s credit cards on his drinking habit- and they let him! He sleeps around like it’s his job,and has HPV. I noticed genital warts on him and be tried to hide them, never once went to the doctor. Spins lies about whoever he is dating if they try to prick holes in his stories. He is a bad employee, a criminal drug addict, an alcoholic, and a verbally and emotionally abusive man if you can even call him that. And the best thing? He is so charming. Nobody believes he is like this, his parents know, but they are enablers. So don’t get in a relationship with him, beware, do not!

  18. Everything on here is spot on why can’t they diagnose these people and give warnings my hearts broken. I am trying to recover it’s very hard he did feed me everything I wanted to hear I bought him weed everyday to keep him calm when we would drink together that was horrible he’s almost killed me more than once I just recently called the cops as he was attacking me and we are on no contact and when I told the victim service lady what he’s done holding his hands plugging my nose and covering my nose until I couldn’t breathe my eyes blood shot she had told me I was about 30 seconds away from death. He’s lied and cheated I don’t know how many times. So we have a restraining order he’s not allowed in town until court I see a week later he has a new girl from this town going to see him now they are a couple it hurts but I know all this is a huge learning curve it’s nice to write and get it all out! Theirs more but I’ll save for later I’m so sorry for anyone who’s been through this it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to overcome

  19. How do you get rid of them? When I try breaking up, he starts texting and calling like nothing happened. If I don’t respond, he comes over. He tells me that I am not leaving him. This can go on for days. I don’t know what to do. He fits the traits of a psychopath more than a sociopath. How did other people get out?

    1. Hi, I went through this. This went on for a considerable period of time. From my own experience, you cannot leave a sociopath, other than disappear somewhere they do not know where you are. Only they can choose to leave you. For a true psycho, the level of crazy that you experience, is beyond anything and just going ‘no contact’ does not work.

      I wrote a post called ‘how to get even with a sociopath’ this was the ONLY thing that worked for me. I had to be as crazy as he was, I had to match him, lie to him, derail him – However this is NOT recommended for one that is either violent, or someone that you have work/children with. I would only recommend this action, if he is refusing to let you go – and you are suffering further losses he is threatening that you will lose your job ect.

      Another tact and probably a more sensible one, is to tell him by text or in writing so that you have proof, that the relationship is OVER that you do not want any further contact with him. If he contacts you, then you will contact the police and report him for harassment (they love to control, but do not like to be controlled) this is probably the most sensible option,

      HOWEVER – in my case, this did NOT work. I was too scared of him, so that when I went no contact, and he would show up at my house- every time, I called police, but I was too scared to follow through with any action towards him, simply because I knew that he was a pathological liar, and would say whatever he wanted to say, to get me into further trouble. The only way I could escape was to convince him, that he couldn’t fuck with me and that I was far crazier than him – it was exhausting – but it worked.

    2. When I see so many complain about getting rid of their ex. I think maybe my ex wasn’t a Sociopath. And to be truthful I’ve got to admit I feel jealous because I didn’t get any love-bombing. And the hoovering, stalking, begging to come back. It almost sounds like you’re bragging! Because seriously, if you want to cut someone out of your life, its easily done. Feeling good about it and being resolute about no contact….much harder.

      If you mean it, you will do whatever it takes. It’s cut & dryed. When it’s not working, one of these things is happening: a) you want to WIN & make him lose b) you like the game, and relish the drama c) not willing to change your life d) don’t want to sacrifice job, housing, material possessions, status, financial losses, reputation, convenience, friends etc.

      And you shouldn’t be forced to give up any or all of the above. There’s nothing fair or right about it. But it can be done. How important is it to you? I need to add the final reason (imo) you can’t keep him away. (besides the obvious one which is that you like him begging to come back,he can’t live without you blah blah blah.)

      If you are not making it stick and haven’t severed all ties….then you haven’t learned and don’t understand how damaged he is, the depth of the pathology. And you don’t realize how it will hurt and destroy your life. Abuse leaves permanent scars.

      This is just what came from my observations and personal experience. Unbelievably difficult, a very lonely spiritual path.

  20. Guppie, the stalking is scary. Mine was going in and out of my house when I was at work, would be contacting my friends and family and kept tabs on my every move.
    It can be hard to prove as they are so sly.
    In the early days mine bombarded me with letters and emails but it was just words. The actions never changed, it was all about power and trying to force me back. Something in my gut felt off and thank god I stuck to my guns because when I passed his deadline he was off finding new supply.

    With children involved all ties can’t be completely cut.
    Even now with limited communication he seems to keep tabs on every inch of our lives and I am not dating or have anything to hide.
    I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone.

  21. Hi Sadie….just wanted to see how you are doing? I have often thought that the worst thing would be to have a true sociopath as the father of my children. How impossibly hard to walk that path trying to be fair and wise while also protecting them (and you) from the dark & evil. Because in my view, its not just the sociopath himself but this invisible force field of evil that surrounds his life and slowly gets a toehold and invades your life.

    Worst of all, i still struggle with cognitive dissonance (maybe he’s not truly bad/oh yes he is!) over and over. I long for some objective proof…hard evidence that didn’t come from me. And after 20mos. of NC i still wish we were together and that he chose me & wanted me and not the new perfect girl. So….for some of us i guess it really takes a long time to heal. Lonllness and some kind of shame haunts me

    1. I understand how you feel, but be assured that being with him would only prolong the misery because he will still leave you in the end. Get some professional therapy if you can and read this book that helped me. It’s called “addiction to love, overcoming obsession and dependency by Susan Peabody.

      You are much better off without him.

  22. “A sociopath will never admit to his wrong doings, instead he will either blame someone else, or ignore you, and your pain and move onto a new source for supply.”

    Everything i read above applies to my soul destroyer ex bf. He constantly lied, cheated and manipulated me and other girls at the same time when he already had a gf of 5 years living in the same house… Beware of this con artist (he is online hunting for other victims all the time) Martin Murphy who lives in england, very charming, kind and intelligent as other sociopaths.

  23. Jesus fucking Christ…. I’m married to one and this all makes so much sense…. I knew everything that’s been said… But as I’m currently trying to leave this pos, it’s destroying me in the process… His son, is now my son and a big role as to why I have trouble leaving… I hate how stupid I was to not see this before, even knowing something was off, I believed the lies and his swave style of always making me feel special for a week, till he hit a whole new level of bat shit crazy. I can’t believe I’m stuck in a marriage with a person like this. He’s violent and mean, like saying the most hurtful, hateful things to me everytime he gets caught up in a lie or I accidentally make him feel less of a man (bc he’s a compulsive liar and a cheater and has been caught SEVERAL TIMES). Now I’m in another state with his son, while he’s living up the single life and making me feel like it’s all my fault?… Umm me telling you as a wife I miss you, shouldn’t piss you off. Ur wife saying she loves you, shouldn’t annoy you…. It’s normal… Given you randomly decided we needed to move….. Ugh I’m disgusted and angry excuse my rant….. How the hell do we get away from them and not let them destroy us and our careers and slander our name for everything it actually worth, which is a lot more then his that’s for fuxking sure…?

    1. I don’t know of a way to get away from them without them doing damage to you. BUT I do know this, that staying with them does further damage! So, it is a double whammy. It is sad about the son, especially if you see him as your son, and have close connections. You have to think of your own sanity and losses. When you think about leaving, create a plan. Make sure that you tell those who are close to you the truth, keep your circle small and expect to lose friends. Expect the worst from him and you will be almost there, and likely you would never know half of what he has done to you (and how he gets off on that fact). Your best bet is if he runs off with someone else, as his attention is elsewhere…..

  24. This is for Staci. Please walk away now. He is crazy making with you. Keeping you on a string – laying down rules of what is ok and what is not all for his liking nothing about what is good for you. I’m begging you – leave this loser alone. Delete his number, turn your phone off at night – whatever it takes to separate yourself from him. You know this is not how one person should treat another. He pulled you in by being that great guy and then flipped the script. This is classic behavior. The more you work to try to back in his good graces the more he will torment you. They get a kick out of watching people squirm. The more you try to please, the more he will actually be disgusted by you. Say this out loud F him! Or “to hell with him” if that is more your style. Say it over and over again until you own it. Get away from him like he’s on fire.

  25. I was incredibly confused for 4 months, trying to put everything I saw and felt, all the pieces together. Then he had ONE crucial mask slip that gave it all away. We were arguing (as always) about politics. He said he was conservative, I asked “what about the poor people?” and he said “Who gives a shit? I would KILL 100 poor people.” What? Such a lack of empathy. That was when it clicked in my brain. The crucial piece of evidence tying everything together.

    I looked it up; everything fit. It was like memories of everything he ever said and did rushed through my mind and linked to what I was reading. The flattering, the manipulation and gas lighting, the criticism, the “strong connection” (snigger), the massive ego and general lack of emotion apart from anger and saltiness. A VERY important piece of information was delivered to me by my intuition in the nick of time. Needless to say I broke everything off the next day. i actually felt happier than before. 🙂 He hadn’t been around me long enough to really damage me, which I am thankful for.

    I’m in his class at school and we have mutual friends so its very awkward, but now I am free and unscathed enough to find myself REAL love and a truly fulfilling relationship.

  26. Currently realising i am either in a toxic relationship or im with a sociopath
    Im so tired of the fear, the control, the paranoia, the victim card and the blame game but i am possibily blinded by the good traits my partner has, or am i simply just reminiscing over the start of the relationship.. it was so strong and powerful at the start….. or am i the sociopath for thinking he is a sociopath…as you can tell, im still trying to work it all out, and it makes it so much harder when im 6 months pregnant,

    Overthinking to the max and added hormones to the already emotional rollercoaster

  27. Reminising over rhe start. Thats how they reel you in, then blame you for the demise so you are constantly trying to adjust your behavior and reactions to make things good again or keep the peace. You MUST come to realize that the beginning was not real. It was an illusion. What you are experiencing now IS real.

  28. Reading this is eye opening. I knew I was in a relationship that had unhealthy aspects. I knew that he was abusice emotionally/verbally and sometimes physically (increasing as time goes on of course).. but I struggled to know and find that missing piece of “why”.
    Why would/ could treat me like this? I was a professional, independent, slight perfectionist, biggest heart women out there like most of the victims sociopaths pick, at least to begin with. I literally gave up my happiness, financial security, personal values for things I loved (Music and friends, family), just to fit into what I thought he wanted me to be as he molded me just to have no empathy and walk away.

    We met when I was 19 and he was 21, we dated for 6 months or so. He had a few bad habits(putting me down in front of his Friends randomly, such as making fun of my clothes or whatever didn’t please him at that moment; wanting me to quit nursing school so I could make a family with him) that i didn’t like and agree with so it eventually ended in us breaking up.

    Fast forward 3 years. I did think of him on and off. There was something so deep about our connection I just couldn’t describe. It’s like an unfillable hunger, draw, a need, ‘knowing’ he was my soul mate.. and maybe we just weren’t at the right place at the right time the first time around.
    I finished school, started my career.. he dated another girl after we broke up. She ending up pregnant and they had their daughter but were broken up/ separated by the time she was 1. We came back into each other’s lives about half a year later. When he was “trying to find himself “. I had just got out of a relationship and wasn’t ready to move so quickly. His feelings of infatuation and love were so strong at first. Any sign of hesitation I had, he seemed to take it as the biggest insult ever. I was just trying to build a solid foundation. I guess that’s Not what sociopaths want. He wanted to woo me over again to get a free ride basically. He did it so well.
    So we started dating (even though he had been caught talking to other females, while I was doing everything to be the best mom I could for his daughter, with absolutely no remorse or guilt. That’s what should have been the red flag. No real feelings. It’s hard to tell when people are good at lying I guess ??
    So I am 3 years into this relationship. He wooed me and asked, begged talked about how he wanted his family.. so we had a son together. I also got him a dog right before I found out I was pregnant. I took on all these responsibilities. He used me for years. He even got a DV against me and we sstill saw eachother with a no contact order (this is before the talk of baby), a DUI and lost his license so I’ve been driving him around to everything he needs to get done, for the sake of my family.

    After reading this I am realizing I won’t get any closure from him, which is what I so desperately keep clinging to, hoping he can explain why I deserved everything he did. He acts like the victim becusse of the outbursts I have had… but how do you respond wih compassion and love when the person you’re giving it to tears you Down and beats you up until there is no self esteem or anything left ?
    Then I get called psycho by his friends and get told I’m a unfit parent becusse basically I had PTSD now and am coping the best I can with our beautiful 11 month old.

    I am so heartbroken he could use me and throw me away, ignore my feelings, like literally ignore until I push or cry so much he is angry and agitated at me.. when all I feel Is hurt.
    Then I see he may be a sociopath… I’m so scared for the future of our relationship and our sons.
    I don’t know how to navigate. I know reading the comments everyone says to get a way. I don’t know how to walk away with out having my son see his father. I do still love him and have this sad sad hope that that connection we felt was real.. and that maybe he can give our son that.
    But at the same time I have also failed in protecting myself and my son from him already. I have Post parting depression PTSD, I cry every day and feel so incapable.
    When I think of how he’s told me to kill myself before when I was trying to be real how I felt, it makes me so ANGRY. Thenhis frienss when they are upset me when becusse I am calling him out and not letting him do this to me, say they hope I die and my son would be better off without me ???

    What is wrong with people or is this me ??

  29. Wow, after reading this I can honestly say that I too fell into the trap. This girl used me and abused me for for almost a year, was very narcissistic, never felt remorse about anything, cheated lots of times, and the list goes on and on and on; this all happened so fast too, crazy right? I knew something wasn’t right but kept going until now. I guess experience is the best teacher. All I can say is if this is happening to you get out while you can. You’re not doing yourself any favors by this type suffering and quite frankly you’re not helping that person either by being with them. Call them out on their shit and leave. That’s the best thing you can do for them. It’s up to them to get the help that they need so they can become a better person. I hope this helps.

  30. I approached a friends friend who was supposed to help me with my cat preparation and once I talked to him I found him to be very intelligent , chilled and smooth . He kept insisting to meet and finally I gave up , but when we did meet I even remember the exact moment when I started falling in love , it was those eyes of his and I forgot everything around me . I even forgot that i had a boyfriend . Days went by and I started getting more and more interested in him. In two weeks he said that he loved me and I said that I am committed and said goodbye. Three days later he calls me and asks if I missed him ,I said yes and the saga began from here . We used to talk easily 4 times a day , I screwed my concentration , my studies and my wellbeing for him . I broke up with my old guy because this new guy was apparently giving me everything that I always wanted from old guy . Things progressed quickly and although was a virgin ,I never made fuss about first time being special to me and all . Though I thought since I do like this guy so why not with him . There was no lovemaking , it was just sex. I dont remember him being sweet or nice in bed , there was just no love . He never asked me once whether everything was okay or not or that it was my first time and that how much of a big deal it was . He never understood that him being my first is such a big deal even though I dint show it. This is when I started getting hints that this guy isnt right for me . I remember sending I love you text to him and he did not respond to me , we even talked on phone but he dint reciprocate . I felt really bad but determined that i need to get off this relationship before it consumes me . And I did . I miss him , but thats better. Id rather pine over him than being with him.

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