A common form of sociopath control, is to make others to believe, that YOU are doing, what they are doing to you.

rage

There is no worse feeling than being victimized, especially when the person that is victimizing you is your own partner. The very person that you are meant to trust. This is the person that you are meant to trust with your emotions, and your life. Of course, the sociopath did, in the beginning do all that they could to win your trust. You often didn’t realise that you were involved with a psychological nut job, until now.

The sociopath is a coward, and is weak. While they are great at bullying others, and making them feel weak, they don’t particularly want to be found out for their actions. You, the victim, are the one person who could lead to their conviction, or others finding out about who they really are. You are therefore a liability.

This is more than deflection

What better way to isolate you from others, than to make out that YOU are the abuser, and that they are the victim? The sociopath is expert at doing this. This is all part and package of ‘playing victim’. The sociopath uses quite expertly, their ability to lie, and your ability to be honest and tell the truth, to cover for their what can only be described as psychological abuse.

Deflection is when attention is moved elsewhere, when that person is the guilty party, to remove the finger of blame towards them. The sociopath will go one further than this. Stepping across a boundary that is so far over the boundary, you will be left feeling stunned, and reeling that this is even happening to you.

Common sociopathic practices

  • Yelling ‘stop assaulting me’ when they are hitting you, within earshot of others (this could just be the neighbours next door) anyone that will back up their lies, should you choose to report them
  • Calling the police on you, and reporting YOU for something that they have done to you (he/she stole from me, he/she hit me etc etc)
  • Bringing up your past, to make out that you are crazy – so that they look like the innocent victim
  • Using any kind of authority against you (police, medical, social workers… friends, family – anyone that they can use)
  • Using threats against you, what they will do to you, if you report them

What does this achieve for the sociopath? 

Firstly it makes the victim feel small. It makes the victim live in fear and feel afraid. Most importantly for the sociopath, it achieves what they are most interested in

  • Being in control
  • Winning

Life is just a game to the sociopath, and you, the victim are merely a player in the game. The game would end, should their actions be discovered.

They know that they have to use fake love to  manipulate you, and fear to control you. When you are angry when you have been abused by them, you become a threat and a liability.

They need to silence you.

Playing victim and accusing you of being the abuser

By accusing you of being the abuser, the sociopath already knows that they are ahead of the game. What can you say? The sociopath deliberately sets up the game so that they are covered. Is it evil, yes. Is it sinister, yes. Is it frightening to go through? Absolutely. When they have accused you, if you retaliate and accuse them, the sociopath knows that you might not be believed, after all, they have already explained why ‘you are crazy’. Usually this information would have been gained from you, when they were grooming you, building trust, and giving you false information, to believe that you could trust them.

You can never trust a sociopath. Remember the most important thing

THEY HAVE NO CONSCIENCE – THEY DO NOT FEEL REMORSE, GUILT OR SHAME

Leaving your senses reeling

This kind of assault can leave your senses reeling. It is one of the worst kinds of abuse. Often this behaviour will be in addition to other abuse, financial, physical or sexual abuse. The sociopath uses this method to try to hide their abuse. To silent you, to stop you from talking and to isolate you from others. Again, the ultimate goal is always:

  • Winning
  • Being in control

I know that there are many readers to this site (thousands of you a day) and I also know, from my own personal experience, and from what I read from other readers, that this kind of assault (and it is assault) is horrifying to go through. It is one of the worst kinds of abusive experiences that I have experienced. It is unlikely that you will witness this behaviour in the beginning of the relationship, when the sociopath is grooming you and things are just ‘perfect’, but as the relationship comes towards an end, the sociopath is looking to escape, or if the relationship has ended and the sociopath is trying to ‘silence’ you, this behaviour will often occur.

What are your thoughts?

Have you experienced this? What happened to you and how did it make you feel? Have you recovered from this experience?

Copyright datingasociopath.com 2014

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102 thoughts on “A common form of sociopath control, is to make others to believe, that YOU are doing, what they are doing to you.”

  1. My sociopath had me believing his wife was mean and would threaten him by punching a hole in the wall. There were all types of signs of abuse in their home. Holes in the walls & doors. He knew I was in a physically abusive relationship & he hade me validate him as the victim. It is so twisted when I think about the stuff he did.

    When I left, I called all the women and they all knew I existed but he said I was a booty call that forced him in to a relationship. The reality was all I wanted from him was sex. He was the one that made it a relationship. Twisted.

    I’m so afraid of another sociopath that I keep inviting them in to my life. I’ve stopped dating & I’m finally loving me. Take the time after you get out to love you properly.

    1. Good for u! Love u first and then u will figure out which way to go. Its hard when they have clouded ur judgement for so long. Sounds like u are on track! Don’t let them deter you…much love…I can relate!

      1. One memory in many was as a young 34 year old woman meeting my ex husband to be at the mediators office. I arrived first & looked smart but my low self esteem was bizzar as a petite blond with a shapely body self conscious especially with subtle verbal/physical abuse during marriage my over sensitive radar may have something to do with what happened….but the mature lady taking the mediation looked at me & made the assumption of ‘flirt/bimbo ect’ because when my sociopath husband appeared business attire brief case in hand & a way of looking the victim….I knew I was lost & he had her in the palm of his hand while quite mouse me observed his games & just wanted to get out of there. All I can say is now I have 3 beautiful children who love me as much as I love them without manipulation in our lives.

    2. So good to hear that you are focusing your energy on loving you. This can never be wasted energy. When you love yourself, you will soon have a plentiful supply left to love other people around you.

      With the socio in your life, all of your energy will be spent on them – and there will be nothing left, for anyone else in your life, or even yourself… its a win win situation for you.

      1. I agree. I have broken up with my ex for good, he accused me of being unfaithful & bringing up my past, gettg jealous, tryg to control me, stop me from seeing gfs, blaming all my frnds & my ex’s, untrusting, for the rshp. He didnt want to stay friends, distant ones. I unfriended him frm fb. He said he wasted thousands on me, but he paid for our food, petrol to drive over here, but i used to offer petrol money he wouldnt take it when he was in love with me. He did bday gifts, he would have spent alot on cigs, but never took me to cinema & stopped taking me to restaurants, even when i offered to pay & his parents are paying him millions of dollars soon, bailing him out anyway. I tempted to contact his ex wives, ask if he has mental illness, as i found 2 of them on fb, i need to confirm with them, i hope they will reply to my msg & i can tell them about this wonderful forum. love & light. He didnt leave on good terms but we tried to have closure 5 days ago, he was at least kind & we had tears. Maybe part of him loved me. He gone pretty cold since it wasnt physical anymore, due to my hip was gettg aggravated, god took him out of my life for good this time. He was arguing more & more angry with me & using bible scripture against me. Never mind. I hope everyone will be ok & we are better off looking after ourselves,getting back our self respect, spoiling ourselves, loving our friends, family, socialising, social networks to heal our souls. Love & Light to all, xxxxx 🙂 This is been the 6th or 7th time, when will i ever learn, but my feelings, of happy times, intimacy, attraction, addiction caused me to go back to him, i was weak. Pray i will stay No Contact this time. He did help me get internet back on, he know my weakness & also knows i get lonely & have trouble with pc, internet. Pray i be strong & all of u too.

      2. I been told to say i love u with meaning to the mirror, myself that is, by spiritual counsellor, after 7th time left my ex narc as he was attractive, i loved his potential & good happy & his sexual charismatic side which i was addicted to, maybe him too, now i cannot be belittled mentally abused criticised no more. He talked about breaking up after i had a scare with my hip, it very sensitive & i couldnt walk He got a fright too as i got depressed, angry & he couldnt take it, felt guilty. we had a tearful session, was sad but later on in week he got angry cold distant & said no more contact, quoted bible scripture at me, said i was unfaithful to him & brought up my past again, so he twisted things when he knew we wouldnt be staying together. He may have found a new lady already as didnt want me to come inside his house, last Wed, I was sus as he accused me of being unfaithful, he may not trust himself lol? love & light to all.
        I working on myself, had sat on fence too long, she told me, i need to move forward for good now.

      3. I think the worst thing that my ex husband did was when he was dating & living with a senior social worker who seems to also have a manipulative streak so he played the game of poor me victim while manipulating her. The out come was ( & I never bad mouthed him to my children or stopped him seeing them which is the best thing to do) after they had been around for tea a few times my ex husband arrived unannounced on a Wednesday evening when for the first time I was allowing my eldest who was a junior fire fighter & is highly intelligent to baby sit while I went to a beginners Salsa class with a female friend. He refused to go before I left & being still too niave I went thinking he would leave soon. When I returned after two & a half hours he was still there & had been on the phone to his social worker partner bad mouthing me & backing up ( which I later learned) the lies he had told her.
        His partner sent me a letter threatening to take the kids off me & being irresponsible…I kept the letter & when local social services came round & interviewed me/children & close neighbours I burst into tears at one point. But came out with shiny stars equivalent from the two female social workers who luckily could see the truth I was a trained nursery nurse, doing a part time degree with healthy loving children…..but I learnt my lesson not to let ex in my house ever again.

  2. I think about all the women and myself, who’s lives and finances have been completely devastated because of my ex. After discovering what a whack job he was just before the final discard and how much he’s been plotting his exit all along, I left me penniless. He’s doing fine of course running up his credit after destroying mine. But I plan on rebuilding and coming back stronger than before. There’s no way ever I will date someone like that again. The minute I smell a man wanting more from me than I’m willing to give, he’s out and I’m out and I’m calling NEXT!!

    He left when he knew he had a new source of supply secured(albeit she’s a whack job too an MN) he started treating me like his shit didn’t stink. He got real high on his horse! Then the smear campaign started the projection of all the lies. And I see he’s just trying to make it seem like he’s greater than what he is. When the truth is, he’s a disgusting, deviant, filthy, empty and useless. I think the truth about psychopaths is they do what they do because they are not neurologically wired to KNOW how to be themselves, which is human. They have no personality so they mimic others. When a biological entity is so empty and don’t know how to be, they deep down hate themselves because they wish they could be anything but who they KNOW they are. That line from American Psycho is so true about them, “I just want to fit in” and they can’t and never will because they aren’t wired to.

    1. You know, you can rebuild your credit, because you can, and you are capable of doing that. Whilst all he can do is destroy – and create a further circle of destruction. Creating a whirlwind of damage wherever he goes.

      You….. are free to rebuild your house, without fear of someone else smashing it to pieces again. One day you will look out of the windows of your newly created house and the sun will shine and flowers will be growing in the garden.

      1. I needed to read this right now at this moment. It makes me feel better and looking forward to something very positive happening on the horizon soon. Thank you PG xoxo

    2. When the truth is, he’s a disgusting, deviant, filthy, empty and useless. I think the truth about psychopaths is they do what they do because they are not neurologically wired to KNOW how to be themselves, which is human. They have no personality so they mimic others. When a biological entity is so empty and don’t know how to be, they deep down hate themselves because they wish they could be anything but who they KNOW they are.

      This is so truth , it explanes in just one phrase the personnality type .
      “We have to live it“ to truely understand it .To all , whenever , you feel uncertain , foged in your head ,rethinting if there is “something wrong with you“ , just , read this site again and keep sharing with everyone .

      Thank you so very much for this website !

    1. It’s horrible to go through isn’t it? And psychologically – just frightening. It leaves you feeling empty and bereft.

      I know that a lot of readers write about how they are feeling, and I think that often this has happened. It is sick, and I think as it usually goes in hand with another abuse that is happening and being covered for…. it is one of the worst things to experience 😦

  3. Oh, yeah, I’ve been there too! He told me a string of tales about how awful his wife was – and then I eventually found out that most of it was him twisting things and telling me only bits and pieces, entirely leaving out his own contribution to the problems. Among other things, he claimed she was passive-aggressive – but then he spent a lot of time doing things (or not doing them) and I realized that the only thing he would actually respond to *was* passive aggression. So, eventually, you learn to do what works, or passes for working – and then of course he would attack me for it.

    Long story shorter, I eventually learned how everything he told me she did that was awful was something *he* set up – and of course I learned exactly how he did it, because he did the same things to me. But, oh, I was the bad guy for essentially emasculating him – but he set things up so that there was no way I could do or be what he wanted, so that I *had* to defend myself from him, etc., etc.

    He used to show me bits and pieces of their communications and go all “poor me” about her negative responses to him – but I eventually learned that he’d only told me a small part of the story, and that the back story to what *looked* like an unreasonable response on her part made it entirely understandable.

    And he’d go into these rages about which he would have no apparent memory, or at least claim he never said the things he did during them. He did appear to actually dissociate during them, though, which only added to the craziness and incoherence of his accusations.

    When we’d argue about something, he’d go off on all kinds of tangents and get me all confused because he’d start talking about unrelated things without telling me he was changing the subject, then he’d accuse *me* of saying things I hadn’t said, doing things I hadn’t done, etc. The twisting he did, and the self-contradictions, were unbelievable, so crazy I can’t even enumerate it.

    I knew it was him, though, and eventually started taking notes during these rows and proved it. Boy, did he go ballistic at that when I was actually able to later read back his own words to him later in the discussion after having confirmed them as he spoke them!

    Then he’d demand that I give him specific examples of such-and-such that I claimed he did in the course of an argument – and then get mad that I was dragging up things from the past instead of letting them go and forgetting about them! But *I* hadn’t brought them up, and hadn’t planned to; he had!

    Many times, as is typical in abusive relationships, I found myself apologizing for doing or saying things I knew I hadn’t done or said, and accepting blame for things I knew I was not responsible for just in an effort to talk him down out of one of his rages and restore peace. Naturally he used all of that against me later.

    A while after we broke up, he sent me a letter with a CD attached in which he’d picked apart much of our communications, pulling out isolated bits and pieces that made it look like I was entirely the bad guy, and he the innocent victim who was just trying to be nice, and oh, look at how this witch treated poor him for it! Just as he showed me isolated bits of communications with his wife, I’m quite sure he must have showed this work of selective fiction to my successors and others.

    I also had a long discussion with a woman he’d been friends with for decades, who was also friends with his wife and I’d become friendly with as well, in which she basically confirmed that he’d done all the same kinds of shit to his wife that he did to me. Not just confirmed, but started telling *me* the sorts of things the wife had reported – and that she herself had witnessed him doing and saying. It was *such* a relief to hear all that, because it absolutely confirmed that it was not me at fault.

    He got mad that she and I had been talking, and demanded that she tell him everything she’d said to me – then literally defriended her and quit associating with her at all when she refused. He claimed that that’s what friends do is tell their friends everything they discuss with other friends upon demand like this – and she told him to shove it.

    Then I caught him cheating on me, setting up a new relationship the same way he’d done with me to his wife before he actually left her, and went ballistic when I called him on it and broke up with me over it. We’d been in another cycle of starting to work things out, I thought, of course, but in the end, it was obviously for the better. And of course he did end up with that same woman.

    He had a particularly unique view of what “being faithful” and “not cheating” actually meant that is beyond the scope of this discussion, but suffice it to say that by then, I’d learned the way he twisted even this seemingly-obvious concept in order to justify a wide range of his behavior.

    1. “He had a particularly unique view of what “being faithful” and “not cheating” actually meant that is beyond the scope of this discussion, but suffice it to say that by then, I’d learned the way he twisted even this seemingly-obvious concept in order to justify a wide range of his behavior.”

      Nooooooo… you can’t dangle it out there then stop. I was entranced and ready to hear the “rest of the story”! lol I really am curious about their crazy little inner workings.

    2. Sounds like my past rship with my ex, as in twisting words, belittling me, no respect, starting arguments, fits of rage etc. Wow we could be dating the same man/person, eerie, chilling lol. Mine never stole money or anything, he was prob more narc, not a smooth sociopath, more distempered one, narcissist. Love & light to u all, us survivors lol

    3. This is very close to what I went through! Mine called himself a “serial monogamist”. I now feel the need to send him a dictionary…or preferably smack him across the face with one!

  4. Oh my goodness I have been separated now for nearly two years from my abusive husband of over 20 years. Naturally, i was not aware of this type of abuse & honestly didn’t see it coming.I have worked really hard on myself & the process of this journey. Like many people I had never heard or understood about NPD or Sociopath. What a revelation to have stumbled on this a year & a half ago. I read so many books , websites & try very hard to stay one step ahead of his hideous, callous behaviour particularly with courts. It is never ending. Having love in my heart is fantastic and I am accepting of how fluid my emotions can be in & out of various ones often. What I find so wounding is that my love was whole & real but yet according to literature his wasn’t. Yes if you love someone there is a whole array of ways to show this which certainly was missing in my relationship. Three children later, dog, cat, house & business with a huge dollop of Chaos to boot , realisation started kicking in of my life & what lay ahead. How can something so real for me not be transmitted, transferred or reiterated to have some respect to allow me to continue to flourish in my life without the lies, deceit & continuous battles in court. It’s crazy. The bottom line is, & rightly so,I am entitled to half but he fights me on everything even though before separating I honestly believed nothing was mine as he had financial control. I just can’t get my head round his utter madness but yet he said to my youngest that he would like to talk to me but I don’t want any contact with him. Talk about still playing the victim. It would have be nice for him to take ownership & say mum doesn’t want contact me because I haven’t been very kind to her in the past & I am still continuing to be unkind, unreasonable & down right cruel ! Job done . Arrrrrhhh will this craziness ever cease. I am so free but yet in limbo land. He never gets anything in for the courts, getting away with it all the time. He has always stayed just under the radar whether it be with the police or behaving competent. For goodness sake shine a light on these people to protect your family, friends, acquaintances , I wouldn’t wish anyone to part of a sociopaths, NPD world. It is torture.

    1. Yes…. it is indeed torture, and a place of hell on earth. When trapped by it. Thank you for your comment. It must be hell having to battle through the courts and cope with his lies, intimidation and how they turn the truth around…. to make you out to be the bad one. It’s so draining and so exhausting.

      1. It is exhausting beyond words. However, I am a strong women goodness knows what it must be like if you not made of stronger stuff. My counsellor is always in ore of the magnitude of what I deal with & I just don’t see it. When you are a mother , daughter, sister & friend then game on!! He will have no more. Thank you for your website & blogs. It gives great release where people are of the know, of something that is just not comprehensible. The positives are great though when you learn to let them in. It’s flipping everything over to your gain. Your children smiling, the laughter, the singing of the birds, the love with your family & friends mean so much more than anything to me. Something my NPD will never experience, so so sad, so so sad. As hard as it working through the turmoil it is & will be worth it by any stretch.

  5. Near the end, we had a discussion about his continued unemployement and I reminded him that when we met I told him I had very few rules, but the ones that I had were not negotiable – one of those rules was he had to have a job.

    He had so many jobs, I can’t even remember for sure. As we were “discussing” his problem I blurted out that he wasn’t going to force me into leaving him because I wasn’t going to allow him to become a martyr. I still don’t know how my subconscious knew what was going on, when I was still blind to his game. But you could have heard a pin drop and he just walked away.

    So yeah, he did everything he could to push me beyond my limits so that I would react, and he could claim to be the victim.

    Strange thing is when I finally did walk, his brother contacted me and wanted to know what had happened because my ex had told him, and he didn’t believe it. After we talked, his brother told me that what I was saying was true and he knew that my ex had lied. In fact, he told me they all knew he had a problem with telling lies, but because my ex told them all that he had “changed” because of me, they didn’t bother keeping up with what was going on. Personally, I think they figured he was out of sight, out of mind, out of their hair, out of their mother’s bank account (he ripped her off for $40K in a little over a month taking a vacation all over the US), and he was my problem.

    Celeste

  6. It’s exactly what I went through and what I will have to endure again and again through the court system. My ex convinced the judge before I even got there that I was abusing him.

    1. Another reason why documenting everything you can is paramount when it comes to psychopaths. The more you keep documented the better your chances of proving them wrong in court and making them eat their words and look like an idiot.

  7. Yes, it happened to me also, you are very accurate and well spoken as usual positivagirl. I also agree with Bluegal about documenting everything. Once I started truly going “legal” in my conduct towards him things became a lot clearer and no contact is much easier to stick to. (The mess inside my head/heart persists though.)

  8. One time,in a relationship with one of the many sociopaths i dated….i kept a handheld tape recorder under the sleeve,in my hand,of a long sweater i was wearing. Everyone,and i mean everyone thought this guy was so quiet and reserved. I recorded him calling me the most putrid names,berating my family,etc….he eventually had me cornered,and i pulled out the recorderand said “keep going,you sound like a gem,now all your friends and family will hear how crazy you are and how crazy i am not”! He chased me around the apartment to try and get the tape whilst i was lmfao,than we sat down,and i played it back for him. Thats all i needed to do as we had no children or court or legalities involved. He was actually disgusted with himself….until he wasnt anylonger. Wimp!

  9. At the end, after the ex told me to move my “shit upstairs” to room with my youngest, I walked through the living room past him and he almost shouted, “WOULD YOU STOP HARASSING ME?!?!?” He was holding his phone in his hand, and I imagine that he was recording this. I simply responded, “Walking past you is harassing you? I can walk through the living room. This is a common area. I paid rent for this month, I have every right to walk through the house.” to which he muttered, “This is going to be a long month.” I actually left about 6 days later, going low contact after that night.

    The word salad was ridiculous. He told me that I should start recording our discussions because he often didn’t “remember” saying things, and I needed proof that he said them. We all know there’s not enough proof in the world to get them to take responsibility for their actions/words.

    I didn’t find out about his smear campaign until after leaving, even though I had a feeling about it. He told people all the things he did to me, saying that I did that stuff to him. It wasn’t a huge shock considering all the projection from him during the last, horrible months of the relationshit. I at least saw that for what it was, a confession about what he had been doing the entire time. There were a couple people who didn’t believe his lies, and sought me out to verify their suspicions of him.

    Just like the others have said, documentation is so very important. I was recently granted a temporary restraining order against him, and I’m going for a permanent stalking/harassment restraining order next week. This is not special to my situation, and happens to quite a few targets. They are not known for letting go and letting you move on peacefully. He has been nothing but vindictive, nasty, and psychotic since I left, even though he has “new supply”, and had a new chick (likely several) well before I moved out. I too went legal minded after I left. Any time I contacted him it was via email, it was strictly business only having to do with getting my belongings out of his house and returning his keys. I believe that has helped me to get the restraining order, and hopefully will help secure the permanent one.

  10. I have dealt with this except it was a friend. I was wondering why she way so mean to other people and treated them so badly. My text messaging would blow up my phone all day everyday and especially if I have something going on that she was not involved with. I just kept watching and thought that I could help this person change to be a nicer. Didn’t work. Introduced her to other people and I would notice strange comments and imaginary interactions that didn’t happen. My last straw was when this person was texting when I had an event going on at my house and saying we had to talk. DRAMA ALERT!! She ended up saying that she was told I was telling people that she was Bi-polar. I knew for a fact that she made that up. Tried to tell me that she has a way of finding things out. From what??? CRAZIEST shit I ever heard!! I had to cut her off completely. I am now stalked on FB, the internet, through people, and by driving by. These people are dangerous. I have come to the conclusion that I will not invite new people to have close relationships with me any more, My old friends are my friends for a reason.

    1. I have found that my “true” friends are the ones I may not hear from much, we actually have to make effort to stay in touch because they have their OWN lives and don’t need you to fix them or help them or amuse them every minute of the day. As a former co-dependent I needed to be needed, and didn’t realize until I was completely exhausted and ruined that these people weren’t good friends.

  11. @ Pos

    ” the game would end should their actions be discovered ”

    How right you are , problem is how do you even go about this when they are capable of anything ?

    No false accusation is too low for them . The more depraved , the better , in my humble opinion.

    They cross lines that only something purely evil without any remorse or conscience would cross.

    Evil

    👀

    1. I agree with you Nick, they are evil! Even after 20 months since I broke off my relationship with my Charismatic Spath – there are days when I still mourn the loss. When that happens my 911 is this site. It brings me back to the truth. I loved a Man that truly didn’t exist. He preyed on me like a wolf hunts a deer. I fell fast and hard. The realization that a human being can do such evil was unimaginable to me. I have to be honest and say that despite therapy, research, medication, I don’t believe that I will ever fully recover. But, I will go on a little wiser and make a conscious effort to remind myself daily of everything in my life that I have to be grateful for. Love and peace to all of you.

      1. It’s overwhelming how much damage one person can do to you. I also tell myself everyday to be thankful for all the good things I have in my life. Like you I wonder if I will ever truly get over what happened. This site has helped me feel sane, for a while before I found it I actually thought I was loosing my mind. Love all round to survivors of these truly twisted individuals. X

  12. I am overly happy to have found this website.
    A few months ago I was going through what I thought was semi normal break up because my partner kept saying she needed to be alone and that I had issues I needed to work on.
    I later found out that she had been sleeping with her boss for the last two months of our relationship. When I confronted her she lied right to my face and got unbelievable angry.
    Reading this blog I have looked back on so many points in our relationship where I can have lightbulb moments. Though I now understand why she made and continues to control and deflect blame. Still hurts when you thought you knew someone for years.
    Thank you for having this site!

  13. I just found your blog, and I am in tears. I never knew what to call my ex- this is validation. Validation that I am not crazy, and this is a real thing…
    4 years ago, My ex and I were exchanging the children for his weekend visitation in a McDonald’s parking lot. He got mad, accused me of lying to him about our son’s cancelled soccer game. He was screaming at the top of his lungs, cursing & causing a scene. My 7 year old daughter was frightened and jumped into my arms. My ex tried to yank her away and she yelped in pain. At this point he was a mere inch from my face, screaming and spitting on me as he yelled and continued to yank on my daughter. I pushed him back to create space. He then threw up his hands in the air and yelled “you hit me, you hit me” and continued to carry on about how I had struck him, loud enough for anyone within 100 yards to hear clearly.
    He had me arrested for assault. I had never even had a parking ticket. Luckily, the McDonalds gave me the video surveilance, and the case was thrown out with no record, resulting in my obtaining a restraining order against him. He actually had inflicted injuries on himself- somehow giving himself a black eye, in attempt to further prove my guilt.
    I still live with his constant harassing and terrorizing. I have been out of the relationship long enough now to where I have gained back some self -esteem and a sense of what healthy relationships are. But I still feel as if I will never really be truely rid of this man.

    1. I know it’s unbelievable isn’t it? One I was with bit himself to make it look like I had done it. So pleased that there was video evidence to prove what had happened. Unfortunately this often isn’t the case. It is hard to be rid forever when you have children together. They see their children as something that is theirs. Something they own.

      1. yr right about the property thing, my daughter asked her dad to leave us as he was caught out doing something he shouldn’t and he stayed away for months and our lives were great, stupidly, i let him visit about a month ago and he hasn’t left since. He knows i’m a coward but my kids hate me for not asking him to leave!

  14. Some advice I have seen given to others facing false accusations, harassment and threats by their Soc/Narc is to Always Be Recording (ABR). The evidence thus obtained has often proved very helpful in court or other interactions with authorities.

    The admissibility in court of secretly recorded conversations depends on the jurisdiction. However, many jurisdictions permit the introduction of the evidence as long as one party was aware that the recording was going on. Google to find out about your own jurisdiction.

    With most smartphones coming pre-loaded with a voice recorder app, this is getting easier than ever.

      1. In my case I have a slew of text msg conversations where he admitted to having sex and videotaping himself with an underage teen several times saying the girls mother gave him permission to do so. He also admits to falsely filing tax returns with fake receipts of charities for years. He also admits to knowing his current MN gf sells and traffics illegal Rx drugs. I’ve got so much shit on him it’s ridiculous!

  15. I’ts my first post on this site although I have probably read every single thing on here searching for an answer. I’m post break up – about 4 months on and I’m still struggling to understand what happened to me. One minute I know I was duped by a sociopath, the next minute I’m blaming myself all over again. I can say for certain though that I am not the person I was two years ago because of his manipulation, control and his constant need to “help me” become a better person. I am so grateful to have found this site, it’s helped me through so very very dark days. X

  16. Once I enlightened my ex SP that she was a sociopath and a narc, she immediately called the police on me (for no reason) and then she called my best friend and told him that ‘she had to call the police on me’. Now she has applied for a TRO (once again for no reason, but because she is a woman and a mental health therapist (the rapist), they think she is the sane one and I am the “crazy”). If it wasn’t for this site and others and the things that people have posted that are similar, I would have gone crazy. Daily I get confirmation of her disorder and my order back. But it is one day at a time. And I am moving on. 🙂

  17. In this post, I can actually see my current situation. We were dating for a year, i am only 23, a college student and never experienced abuse before so I didn’t really know he fitted the pattern of a sociopath from the beginning. He accused me of living a fake life, of being cheap and all wrong but still he wanted to “help me” by turning me into what he thinks is right. We began as friends and he made me feel comfortable so I told him a lot about myself and my life. He started by being nice, pointing out where I was wrong and claiming that his only motivation was love and for that I needed to change. He, then,started abusing verbally and physically but unlike movies he was never sorry, it was all my fault. Twice I tried to defend myself and he pretended I was the abuser, but it’s not just a face, he really believes it. I prepared my escape, warned my friends, went to the police because he punched me in the eye but still, that was two months ago and I managed to break no contact a week ago… I feel awful because not only he is not admitting, not only he isn’t feeling sorry but I feel addicted to him and maybe a part of me still believes I deserved what happened to me… I feel so lost. I know it is all wrong and all his fault, I know I should be afraid of my life, that he is not changing but I miss him like crazy..

    1. Yes that is an odd one, I quite agree with you, they really do believe that that they are the ones who are ‘wronged’ … and its all your fault. I am sorry that you are feeling lost. I can say that confusion is a prelude to clarity and nobody feels lost forever. When you feel ‘lost’ you are taking some time to find your truth and your own reality, but with the sociopath around, this won’t happen as they won’t allow you to go back to being you. I know that you say that you miss him, but truthfully (although not always) they do often show back up later on – when current source of supply is threatened, coming to an end, or ended.

    2. There’s a hormone called oxytocin – look it up it is the bonding love hormone women have so that they don’t abandon their children . When women have sex this is released in large amounts binding us to our man . Women continue to return back for this loving happy high thinking that they are in love with their man but it’s the hormone like a drug . Please google it and understand that you are not in love with him it’s the hormone making you think you are …

  18. These stories are so familiar. And yet none of us really knew this stuff happened before it happened to us did we? We are taught to look twice before crossing the road, but not taught how to assess a relationship for its value at the beginning…

    My ex was my boss, as I’ve said on another post. Lovely during the honeymoon phase, but the day I was discarded I still had to work in the office with him, in a small team, in a larger establishment that I’d worked at for much longer than him.

    But I’d had two months with post-natal depression after my son was born, and I think he used this to make people doubt me once we’d split. He asked another member of the team to move in with him. He arranged lunches for people in the team – not me – and I would be alone in the office.

    I had his line manager keep asking me about deadlines and work that I’d missed – often deadlines he hadn’t told me about or had given me extensions on. I realised that people were starting to talk about me as though I was unstable. That I was being doubted. That there were whispers about me being obsessed with him – that he was better off without it. A team member said to me, ‘It was hard for him to take you on with your baggage’ (he meant my son and ‘mental health’ issues.)

    Funnily enough he is the one on lots of medication for mental health issues – my doctor says I don’t and didn’t need them. When we were together he convinced me to seek out medication – because I would cry when my son went to stay with his dad (who wouldn’t). He would put the tablets out for me to take, and try and convince me to take codeine even for a little headache.

    It was awful at work. I felt isolated and alone. I tried to talk to people about it and all I got was, ‘This is why you shouldn’t have embarked on a work relationship’ and ‘it’s time to move on Marla.’

    I asked to be moved to a different working area and they put me in the room next to him, where he could stand pontificating outside my door, realing in new supply, being charming, kind, lovely and interesting. I felt I was crumbling and playing the mad woman in the attic. It took so much energy to get through the day and seem ‘normal’ that I would get home and sleep from 6pm until 7am the next day.

    I left there without having a job to go to and have used all my savings living while I look for something new.

    All his friends think he’s bet off without me. That I am a psychotic stalker. I don’t care about that. Since leaving the workplace I feel so much better – he can’t abuse me through third parties when I’m nowhere near him. I deleted all our joint colleagues from facebook the day I left. It was hard as I had good friends there, but I had to do it.

    On my last day he came out for my leaving drinks and showed off pictures of his new girlfriend and said he knew he was a narcissist, but was too good at hiding it for anyone to work it out. He said if I hadn’t worked it out so quickly (he wooed me for 7 months before I got together with him and our actuall relationship only lasted 4 months) I could have had a nice life (he was rich) that no woman is good enough for him, and he is looking for perfection.

    Abuse through third parties makes you want to die. Makes you doubt yourself. Makes you feel like you are in Rosemary’s Baby or something. It was the worst experience of my life.

    I’m only starting to feel better. But believe I will in the end. He is the one with the problem. My problem was believing all the kind, thoughtful things he said and did were because he had feelings for me, rather than wanted to ‘win’ me.

    I just hope I get a job as I do need to pay the bills…

  19. This site is helpful to me.

    Exbf broke up with me last year after my ex husband told him he was a parasite for always hanging around but not proposing to me after he had made me so many promises..and he changed his entire persona after that and freaked me out with all his new friends and acting shady so a couple times I went a little crazy and cussed in some texts because I was honestly afraid I was losing him..of course that played perfectly into me being the crazy one and he started telling his friends and family I was, and that I was stalking him??? Then he opened a fake fb and was adding ME! Turns out they really DO accuse other of what they are doing. So finally I had enough and got mad. Then he met someone he knew a short time, 20 years ago, dated her less than a month, got engaged, and married her on my birthday.

    It’s been a living hell to deal with this sudden change in him, his life, and what he did. Never made to feel so crazy but by my ex husband before divorce..interesting how he seemed to know what to call it.

    I won’t ever be the same. My soul has been sucked dry of all good. I feel dead inside and not capable of love ever again. He used every intimate detail he knew about me against me to hurt me.

    I have never been so messed up. I don’t know how to move on or have faith in trusting God or the universe or whatever.

    I tried for months to

    1. Im back! Guys and gals…..i cannot get across the importance of breaking no contact. As you all recall,maybe,i came on here for the first time months ago and i was literally suicidal. Than i started getting my mojo back…than i,not him,broke no contact and again got duped more than ever. We teach them how to treat us when we break no contact. Dating a sociopath is no joke. Its dangerous to your human spirit,it is an addiction,it will cause illness,mental illness and sometimes suicide. And if anyone says to you….just get over it….ignore them…..that would be like telling a severe alcoholic to …..just stop drinking. I am 45 years old,and in all my years of dating….ive never encountered such hurt,lies,manipulation,i love you,i dont love you,why would you be so stupid as to let me move in,my family hates you because i smeared you so bad,so i have to choose between you and my family,etc…..its infuriating,soul sucking,if you have acted crazy….who wouldnt after the man or female you were married,engaged to or dating did and said such stupid,assinine things….or left you in debt….of course you may go crazy and punch them or kick them. But you are not crazy….if someone is pushed far enough…they explode. Its been the worst experience of my life. Id move if i had the money because i get the added bonus of living in a small beach community,and i pass him daily. Everyone loves him,adding to my infuriation….i do not believe we love these cumquats….i believe it is brainwashing,a sick addiction,and for some reason,we want some sort f credit or recognition the way a little girl or boy needs that from an abusive parent. They will throw you under the bus to anyone,even if at one time they kiled you with kindness.

      1. im drained,angry,scared,ashamed,duped,sad,did i mention angry? I do not like having anger like this. I believe it is the worst emotion. How do i handle passing this guy on the street? I get shaky,cant concentrate,feel rage,etc….whenever i pass him. Do u have any tips for this?

      2. I hear you Bobbie Jeane! I live in an escarpment community with only 1 road in & out (unless I want to drive miles out of my way to get to the City or the next town) I have to pass his place & sometimes him to get any place.
        I think he may have told people that I’m stalking him. I did try & contact him some time ago to try & stop the crazyness, but he must have lied & put another spin on it. (Next day, his GF -whom he was supposed to have broken up with!! & his sister (?) followed me to work, & the next day too.) For a time, we’d pass in the a.m. on the way to work, he’d have a police car following a few cars behind. I don’t no if it was co-incidence.
        I think he may now have said that we where/are having an affair. Nothing like that ever happened. He wanted me to cheat behind his GF’s back last year & I declined. The “War” has been on ever since.
        I did say to him to “Look me up if your status changes”. This was before the stalking, group stalking, computer hacking, porn emails with attached virus’, & several incidents of him throwing me under the bus. I obviously want No Contact with this person EVER! Now it’s cruising past my house a lot, & today I got an email (no doubt the attachment was a virus ) with the header “Yuliea mi” ( you lied to me-?) So he intends to hold me to my word? A thing said Before I knew his true colours, & what he was capable of ?

        He says his ex is a psycho. (I periodically eves drop but do not post, on a chat he is on to get the “nuts report”.) Police were called when they split up this last time.(how many times is this now?) He managed to talk the police onto his side of it. (I wonder if it would work for him again, if I report these things?)
        I think his ex is crazy too. (but with some help from him) She hated me from Day 1 & that was long before I had any interest in him. I think he must have told her that something was going on that wasn’t. One day she tried to cause a traffic accident with me & there may have been another time that a ‘funny’ incident caused me to have to go off the road.The vehicle looked like the one that has at times surveilled my house. (Her looking for Him after their break up ??)
        She also accused me to defrauding the store that she & he worked in. I never did that!!
        The Psyco. & the Socio. = a match made in Hell, but they will always have more in common than they both would with other people. I expect them to be back together sooner or later. (Sooner Please!!)

  20. Pos. Wtf is this. I get an email from psycho boy on sunday,stating….wished we would have just met on tuesday morning and talked. Friday was no fun. Im sorry i have to choose between my family and you,i will forever regret it. Wtf is that noise! What the “thing” is talking about is….i could tell he was on the verge of discard. I no longer wait for the discard,i go to his house or invite him over cuz im done with games. My life is to short for this infants mood swings. So….i suggested we get together tuesday and have a talk…..he acted all weird,like a moody pre-teen…so,i was out and about,and seeing how he drops by my place unnanounced constantly,i popped in. Thats when he blamed me for the color of the sky,was talking a mile a minute,than said he cannot repair the smearing he did to me,to his family. I think this infant made up some of the most unimaginable lies about me….they had to be bad. So,its over….cuz a 47 year old infant smeared me beyond belief. Okay,great….your loss,eat shit,have fun with whomever you are love bombing now….but pis,whats with this emailing me shit? My intelligence,has been insulted for to long with this infant….that i will implode,if he continues. Was the email sincere? No. No way. Wtf was it for? All it did was infuriate me further. Of course i didnt reply.

    1. Bobbie Jean, don’t do this to yourself, he is playing his stupid games. its how he gets through his life. Its all about manipulation and control. If he feels that he doesn’t have control, he will find some other way to get attention. So basically he smears you, then says that he cannot be with you for the damage he has caused? What bullshit! YEs that talking 1000 miles a minute isso that you cannot have time to think, to analyse its brain washing…. brain storming, then brain washing, which leaves you feeling ultimately brain dead!!

      1. So basically….he is dancing in HIS own shit?! What a moron. Im angry he even emailed me. And i would pay in gold….to be able to find out what he said about me. I believe,he made up the most outlandish stories. Not even twisted the truth…but made up tales. Hell,he did it when we were engaged. These freaks spend their lives dancing in their own shit….and their to stupid to know it. I think they should be arrested for raping of the soul.

  21. I am glad I found this site. The guys are usually married that are the sociopaths is what I am seeing. When I first started out with him he showed signs he would tell 3 lies at once but I never called him on it I let it slide. Then he would say to me this is a game life is a game. I let that slide. We would be together all the time then towards the end I gave up and he told me I was a compulsive liar and I lie alot he was so good at it he had me believing him that I had the issue I became depressed he would make me feel bad about myself and put me down every chance he got. He claimed he was documenting my words I found it weird that when I would call him on his stuff he flipped it on me. He told me about relationships he had while married and sick sex addictions he accused me of lying and said he don’t trust it called me fake but when I said I am going to therapy he said no don’t do that he didn’t want me to seek advice I am still going to therapy because he hurt me mentally I have been abused

    1. Hi Jessica, welcome to the site. I am pleased that you found us. Life IS a game to sociopaths, and other people are merely players in their game. They deflect their own behaviour onto you. Which is why he said that you were the one who was a liar. You then spend time defending yourself – so that what they are doing is missed (read the post – catching the sociopath in the lie)….

      I also dated one with zero conscience who would ‘record’ on his phone what i was saying. It sure is crazy behaviour. And it makes you feel crazy. No of course, he didn’t want you to get support elsewhere, because he knew that if he did, he risked losing you (that he saw as his possession) and of course, he would lose control. THey hate losing control more than anything.

  22. I was looking up ADHD for my 8 yr old son the other day, and came across a link for sociopath. I was shocked that I finally had an answer to my husband of 10yrs behavior. I was love bombed, then emotionally discarded the moment I became pregnant. He had no emotion whatsoever when our son was born, and actually wanted to go get a coffee and drop off movies on the way to hospital. Fast forward 6 yrs later, and I caught him watching porn online in the middle of the night. Turns out he had been on there, the ENTIRE time we were together. After that, I discovered he had been hiding a man from me for 2 yrs, claiming they were only friends, but deleting texts, and phone calls from him like a lover would. He finally admitted to cheating on me when we were dating, and for 6mo, when this was going on with his buddy. I believe he is just trying to hide the fact he had a homosexual relationship. He completely denies any wrong doing, and turns it around on me, because at that point I started doing my own thing too.
    He has physically held me down, and has beat me up, and dragged me through the house in front of the children. My 2 teenage daughters want nothing to do with him. I have been begging him to try and bond with our son lately, and he blames our sons behavior for the fact that he cannot get close to him. Which I know is ridiculous. I have been to rehab 2x drowning my pain in alcohol. Which he didn’t support, and said I left for 30 days on purpose to hurt him. I am currently on meds for depression/anxiety. A couple of months ago, he wouldn’t take me to the Dr., and physically wouldn’t allow me to take myself, because he felt that he not being respected. When my sons legs hurt after basketball, he said that he was faking it. He threw away all of my photo albums, and wont allow me to hang any of my awards up. He as never had any friends, and we always have to do things where there are no people around. This is just a small sample of what I have been through. I am across country away from family and friends, I have no job, car, or phone. He watches everything I do, times me at the store, barely goes to work, and follows me around the house. I KNOW I need to get out, especially since I have been reading more about sociopathy, but I am SCARED! I used to have a great job, great credit score, and I have always considered myself a strong individual (24 yrs in Army). Now I’m a shell, walking on eggshells, trying not to bring up the past, with nobody to talk to. There is no intimacy except sex, and I continuous supply of I love you from him. He is only capable of talking about the weather, his job, etc. He has never asked me about my past, or how I feel. Its like I was born when we met. I had to find out about his past from previous wives, and gf. He left one of them when she was 9mo pregnant. I constantly go back and forth if I should leave or not, literally for the last 10 yrs. It is driving me crazy.

    1. HI Shannon, I hope u left this man & are on the mend now, surviving ok. My ex was nasty, jealous, stopping me from seeing certain friends & my church he didnt like/approve of, jealous, watching me too, not working much, flirting sometimes or accusing me of flirting when i wasnt, abusive verbally & signs of physical abuse was showing. Hope you got the support you needed & rebuilt friendships, got counselling & more importantly got out of that situation. I am 2mths out of my Rship with the ex narc but finding it hard but keeping on.I am seeing a lot of friends & socialising, keeping busy, church & seeing family, doing volunteer work. God bless all. Dragonfly 🙂

  23. I was very close to a man who turned against me and have me the silent treatment, when I tried to communicate with him, he and his family accused me of being a stalker! They tried their best to ruin my reputation. I have finally after eighteen months of being snubbed and derided by people who were turned against me, gone to the police.

  24. Thank you for your post! A week ago I felt I was going crazy , but since then I have had a lot of healing from reading your posts. I fell in love with a man who turned out to be a psychopath, this nightmare has lasted ten years. He has done all the things you mentioned and after being found guilty of assaulting me with bodily harm last year, he has started making false reports to the police , saying I am abusing him. He is a very good liar and has even managed to get himself a risk assessment for domestic abuse!. You are the first person to describe every single one of his games. He phoned the police and told them I was attacking him ….I was standing two feet away from him… wondering if I had gone mad hearing such lies…and because of that phone call, he got referred to a domestic abuse agency. Since then he has threatened to report me for his self-inflicted injuries and sent texts saying he would “love to see me suffer, and would pay money to see me rot in prison” . I maintain contact, as I feel his revenge if I leave him would be terrible . My IDVA has told me the best option for me now is to move home and she will support me with this.

    1. I went through this too susana, calling the police on me and reporting me, for things he was doing. Its all part of the crazy making behaviour, and using the police to CONTROL you = when you fail to comply.

      yes, its true isn’t it. I took him back – and many of these posts were written (dated at the top) 18 months to 2 years ago. I can honestly say now coming out of the relationship – hurting and reading back these posts, I am thinking – yes, this is exactly what has happened.

      He used to stand in my house yelling ow ow ow, don’t hit me…. stood in the garden yelling dont hit me…. so my neighbours thought I was abusing him. If the police had been called (as my neighbours did call the police – and he lied pretended that I was psychotic and he had to calm me down) police asked if he could put his bike in my garage…. he used that opportunity to sell MY bike!!

      Yes I only met his family ONCE – we stayed there in the middle of nowhere, again, for no reason he started yelling – that i was attacking him. He damaged his own face and then went to his brother – making out he was in danger.

      Its so sick…. I can say that I understand you, and I believe you too.

  25. My ex choked me but when cops came to question him he had them believing that I had made a false report. Needless to say he was arrested. I have not gotten over the ten yrs of fear, belittling, accusative, jealous, isolation, sadistic hell that man put me through!

    1. I don’t think you ever do get over it anathea, it something that affects you to the core. Especially the emotional abuse, the control and the isolation. You are pretty much their prisoner, and they are the warden. I hope that you are doing much better today?

  26. When I read the common sociopathic practice that said yelling “stop assaulting me” , he did this while yelling into the phone to the police. The messed up thing is the same police that arrived when I called the police on him. They did nothing when I called because he turned it around so he would seem innocent. Fortunately I had been seeing a therapist the whole time who knew he was abusing me and she testified that I had been battered so he wouldn’t have me jailed instead. It was the most chilling time in my life.

    1. Hi vicki, I went through the exact same thing. They humiliate you, accuse you of what they are doing to you. It is quite horrific to go through. They hate to be detected and found out. So they go to extraordinary lengths I have been there too (as you can see) a few times, and yes, it is scary. Its about time that the police wised up to this behaviour

  27. Hi Pos;

    To answer the easier question – no. I have not yet recovered – every day is a struggle because I am caught between the fantasy and the reality and my mind continues to mourn what I lost (the mirrored version of him) and the reality of who he really is.

    But one of the things that stands out is that he was always saying and doing things then would turn around and tell me that I must be mistaken because he hadn’t done/said anything that I was recalling. At first, I believed him and I became quite concerned that their was something wrong with the wiring in my head, but then I began to realize that the only things I was “forgetting” about were the things that concerned him. I guess you could say it was the beginning of the end because I started to really pay close attention (at times, even jotting down notes so that I could refer back) and when I was able to produce evidence that he was mistaken, the subject would be changed and he would refuse to discuss things any further.

    I recently attended my first group session for women who with PTSD (I was diagnosed 2 years ago after the split from the Socio). In the course of the first meeting she told us she could “teach the tools needed to cure yourself of PTSD”. She tried to convince me that because he would stare into space when I nailed him down on a lie, that he really wasn’t a Sociopath – that he had Dissociative Personality Disorder – and that I had to understand that he couldn’t help himself because his brain just didn’t work right. While I personally think that she is only in this to sell her 12-hour “fix yourself” Power Point presentation (for $500 bucks!!) it really makes me wonder if anyone has a firm handle on Sociopaths and what makes them tick. They are truly conniving characters who can change their M.O. like a chameleon changes colors.

  28. My ex was JUST like this.
    Pretended that he was the doting father outside of the house but inside he’d ignore his daughter and or pass her back to me and say “I tried” after only 30 seconds. He NEVER stayed up all night with her sick…the whole time we were together he spent a total amount of 2 hours and 33 mins with is daughter in 10 months. *That’s how long he lasted before he took off without so much as a word. He left while we were out. Stole my computer and a bunch of other stuff and ditched his shitty car on me. *
    He got himself fired from his job for assaulting a female passenger and then told me it was my fault he did it because I stressed him out for asking him to “Be a dad” when he asked me “what is that?!” I responded with. “If I HAVE to explain it, maybe you shouldnt have become one!” I was tired of the games. I was miffed he accused me of his irresponsibility in his job and stated as much… “I didn’t realize I was responsible for YOUR work ethics” His response was “Thanks for the support!!” (He screamed it at me) … So I’m suppose to support him abusing someone while he works? I Don’t think so!
    He use to tell me his step dad was constantly abusive to him as a child. I felt bad for him until I got to know his step dad Ron who was a very nice man.
    I never realized just how bad it was till I called him 2 hours after I found out he had left and he screamed in my ears about being abused. He called the next day saying “I’ll return if you promise to tell me you’ll never abuse me again.” I was shocked at the accusation and my friends who were with me (one of them, she’s a clinical psychiatrist, shook her head no at me and so did my neighbour who worked at the place I was at and both whispered hang up to me.) I did and she told me he’s a typical sociopath and I should feel relief that he left on his own (because if he can abuse a passenger, what would he do to me or my kids.) My other friend told me I could do better… I’m thankful that he’s no longer in my life. At least now I get to prove to myself how awesome improving my life for me and my kids can be instead of being accused of being selfish for wanting to go back to school.

    1. You do know that when he called to say ‘I will return if you promise not to abuse me again’… He was in earshot of someone else playing victim. I can guarantee that was set up for someone else (in case you wouldn’t take him back) …. Well done you for not taking him back. They are so crazy

      1. More than likely his new Girlfriend at the time whom he told I lost my kids to CPS to… (Long story on why that happened) I found out he’d been with her 2 months before he left me…(His 1st ex wife told me about that and gave me her email address and a copy of the mail she’d been sent by my ex’s new GF a MONTH after he left) I don’t like being lied to or cheated on. BUT in the long run we’re better off without him.

      1. I’m taking a trade as soon as I finish my upgrading 🙂 I need to do core strengthening for some of my courses like Math. 🙂

  29. I absolutely just dated this person, but it was much worse. a confirmed alcoholic with Narcissistic personality as well. My life for the past year was an emotional roller coaster, but much more destructive. I was injured and had been hurt the entire relationship. I never did or said anything right. I never did enough, did too much, said enough. said too little. Nothing was ever right.. what’s worse is people seen there was something wrong but only One person stepped in and did something but not openly. I was popular, loving, fun and vivacious. I was an empty shell. he has all but tried to destroyed me inside. I believed he was this amazing man, loving ,doting,affectionate, accommodating a knight in shining armour who turned out to be the devil in disguise. I know now that his ex wife didn’t do any of the things he accused, but probably felt she could do nothing right..same as I felt. The only one lying and cheating was HIM.. although he accused everyone from his past of doing it to him, including me. Apparently I was doing all my male friends from the accusations and the beratements… I took all I could take.. I empowered myself, because I HAD to, people were tired of listening to me. They really didn’t care that he was mentally beating me because after all I had no bruises. They continued to hang out, party, ride and drink with him. I felt disguarded. I don’t care what anyone says or thinks.. he was abusive, cruel, manipulative and ruthless. When I stopped feeding his Narcissistic supply he moved on to his next victim, even though he always had someone waiting in the wings.. I am healing. I am saved. I am grateful that I am never the victim but always the Victor !!!!!

  30. Wow! I used to think my ex wife was just narcissistic, this adds a whole new level to the enigma. I found out after I ended the relationship that she had made me out to be ahorrible monster to her family my family and all our friends for over three years. I had been wondering why my friends stopped hanging out, and why her family started acting weird around me. She had started accusing me of cheating, (the ultimate sign that they are the ones cheating) and generally treated me like I was a bad husband. All the while our closest friends and myself would be completely baffled as to why she was treating me like this. After the split was official, I was diagnosed with PTSD. It took me over two years to recover from the nightmare she put me through. Sharing the custody of our daughter 50/50 didn’t help. Because it took her three years to finally admit that she knew what she was doing the whole time. I wish this hell on no one!

    1. Yes, sociopaths are a class of their own. It is almost an insult to describe them as narcissists. As a narcissist you can clearly see what they are. Sociopaths are very hidden and appear quite normal. In fact they can seem ‘nice’ ‘kind’ ‘caring’ and this… is the danger with them 😦

    2. Same thing ex psycho did to me. Would come home from hanging out with family or friends all sweet and loving towards me, all the while painting a picture of me with the very things he’s doing. People will catch on eventually because they can’t keep up with their lies as the stories change so much.

  31. In the 5 years of being with my now husband, there were many horrible, indescribable events that took place but I hadn’t realized he was a Sociopath until just recently, because of his job, which requires him to travel 98% of the time. And it really stinks because we have 2 kids together, 3 in total.
    Out of the many horrible things he’s done, his last stunt earlier this past year was so low, almost unbearable and was the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I ended up in jail that night instead of him and a record for Domestic Violence, which I’m still fighting to remove. I’ve never been to jail in my life before that and always did the right thing. He showed no emotion that he was remotely sorry for what he did, he got the judge to give him custody of our girls and I was given an ultimatum, either stay or leave without custody.
    He had me quit my job of 2 years to stay at home with the girls, kept me financially broke for all these years, one lie after the next, and I’m the bad guy!

  32. I experienced everything here that you have written about and much more. I finally was able to leave my abuser physically 2 years ago. And mentally, only 9 months ago. I still can hear him say that I abused him and he is the victim. It is something that I am still trying to emotionally and psychologically work out. I think a very good point that you made was that when the sociopath abuser does see the anger that we feel…. they manage to silence us. This was the beginning of me learning that I was being abused. Because anytime I brought up an act by him that I KNOW NOW was abuse – he always managed to silence me which would make me feel even more crazy. I know now that is the cycle my abuser used with me. SILENCE = POWER. Once I figured this out – I started telling people what was going on. And a woman saved me. She told me I was being abused and needed to get away. She saved my life and my son’s!

    Thank you for your posts also. They put into writing (down in black and white) what I feel and what I went through. I hope it makes a difference for someone else who needs to be saved!

  33. My sociopath is also a “thirteenth-stepper” I met in a 12 step program. That’s a term for a person in recovery who has some time clean who preys on vulnerable newcomers in order to obtain sex, use and abuse them, or just plain start a relationship in which they can have an immediate upper hand. Perfect sociopath situation! Needless to say I was that newcomer. And recently when we split up the truth came out about just how many others he’s done this too. I wound up relapsing from the pain he caused but luckily I’m back and everyone in the program has my back and promises to protect me if need be. But with that being said, what I resonates with on this article was how my abuser made me so angry by trying to make me feel crazy during our constant arguments that I actually did physically assault him first and did it twice. So not only did he make up things I didn’t do, but he was able to use my actual abuse against me when I tried to make him feel bad for getting violent with me one night. I was just in such a vulnerable place mentally and he would push me to the edge so I snapped and when my words were not making it through to him I lashed out physically. But I guess the shame of knowing I stopped to his level still bothers me

  34. I just went thru this, him screaming, telling me not to shoot him, he had the gun, not me. Begging me to stop kicking his dog. While he threw mine out in the snow. Am in therapy, so confused. And every 4,5 days he makes another attempt to get me to come ‘home’. Not Gonna Happen. I got this. And reading these posts REALLY helps. Keep talking people.

  35. Yes i have been thru all of this with my EX!!! I lost my kids because of that nut job. We only dated for 6 mths but in that short time he destroyed my life.
    In the beginning i believed he was my light at the end of a dark tunnel. My kids never met him (they are all grown tho)
    But all i did was speak so highly of him.
    When i begged God to just take me home cuz i knew i was dying and i couldnt get away from him…the very next day i was pulled over and willingly arrested (God heard my prayer) igot away finally but lost so much in the process.he told my children i was arrested for drugs which was false but cuz i spoke so highly of him…they believed him.
    I have given it all to God and pray in time i will have my kids back.

  36. I choose sociopaths. Love them. Can’t get enough, right? I swear, there’s got to be a lot more than 1%, and I think there’s a spectrum of levels of empathy and actual feelings.

    I was raised by a sociopathic single mom. Some kind of Cluster-B disorder.

    She was violent and neglectful, demeaning and spiteful.

    In public, with family & friends, she was overly loving.

    Devoted to me.

    In private I was the reason for all her suffering.

    I developed this general concept that Real Love must be painful, demeaning.
    That if I love then I must give every ounce of myself to my partner.
    I spent my entire life struggling with so many issues because of my formative years.

    People can tell I’m a little strange.
    Can’t help it.
    It’s easy to smear me.
    Easy to believe I could be a harmful weirdo.
    Rather than the gentle, creative weirdo that I am.

    Choosing a psychopath to have children with guaranteed my reputation was ruined far and wide.
    I’ve gotten used to it.

    In setting up her defense for her criminal behavior toward me

    my Mother started smearing me to family at a young age.

    I have always been the pariah.

    I am always the scapegoat.
    I never understood why people triangulated me, gaslighted me.

    Didn’t even know there were words for it.
    It just seemed like everyone was spiky and I was soft.

    I realize now that I couldn’t see beyond what I’d been fitted for.

    My yoke blinded me to the healthy life I was meant for.

    Now that sudden sense of comfortable familiarity, that draw to someone is a red flag, not a lovely new friend.

    It was about two years ago that I met the man of my dreams.

    (Literally, folks. But that’s a whole other thing.)

    His ultimate goal was to destroy me.

    And I was razed to the ground.

    All illusions shattered.

    Since losing my true love that never was, I’m awakened to my own behavior.

    My own fissures and broken locks.

    I’m not sure if I’ll ever fall in love again.

    But then, I’m not sure if I’ve loved yet.

    I surely haven’t loved myself and that is the only authentic beginning.

    1. Your comment really touched me. I wanted to send you a virtual hug. I believe you. I know how much it hurts to meet someone who wants to burn you to the ground. Who wants to destroy you, deliberately. This happened to me too.

      You are worthy, and you are worthy of being loved. This isn’t all that you are, and all that you are worth. I really hope that you know this.

    2. Thank you for sharing your eloquent description of what you went through. This touched my heart and validated my journey. I hope you are also on the path to recovery.

  37. I’ve finally come to the realization that the man I’ve trusted, loved, honored, exchanged vows with, had 2 beautiful little girls with, is indeed a Sociopath. I’ve been put through hell for the past 5 years and for what?! Being the loving, caring, trusting, wonderful woman and mother I am. The most recent incident happened precisely a year ago when I told him *over the phone* I was tired of getting treated horribly when I not once deserved it, I was leaving with the kids and to please act like a mature adult about it. He’s a long distance truck driver so he came home late completely unexpected a couple of nights later, picked a fight with me about me leaving, acted as if I was the abuser and he was the victim, etc. Well, he stole my phone and accused me of cheating on him *which again was untrue*. He started to get physical with me so when I stood my ground and fought back for once, he started to video record me using his phone and called the cops on me then made up a completely untrue story about what happened, where he was the victim and made me turn out to be the abuser. The cops didn’t believe my story because I couldn’t prove he started it *even with the scratches, bruises, scrapes* so they charged me with CDV and hauled me off to jail, the first time in my whole entire life. He went to see his attorney/the judge the next morning to get temporary custody of our girls *which was granted* and when I got out, he gave me an ultimatum. Either I stay with him and the girls, or leave without custody. I’m still fighting to get the charge removed from my record.

    1. 😦 gosh they really are something else. I experienced similar. It was absolute hell. Police didn’t believe me when he lied to them too. They really are scum. I am sorry that you were taken to jail and treated as a criminal. Gosh so are you still with him and he is threatening you with your girls ?

  38. I’ve finally come to the realization that the man I’ve trusted, loved, honored, exchanged vows with, had 2 beautiful little girls with, is indeed a Sociopath. I’ve been put through hell for the past 5 years and for what?! Being the loving, caring, trusting, wonderful woman and mother I am. The most recent incident happened precisely a year ago when I told him *over the phone* I was tired of getting treated horribly when I not once deserved it, I was leaving with the kids and to please act like a mature adult about it. He’s a long distance truck driver so he came home late completely unexpected a couple of nights later, picked a fight with me about me leaving, acted as if I was the abuser and he was the victim, etc. Well, he stole my phone and accused me of cheating on him *which again was untrue*. He started to get physical with me so when I stood my ground and fought back for once, he started to video record me using his phone and called the cops on me then made up a completely untrue story about what happened, where he was the victim and made me turn out to be the abuser. The cops didn’t believe my story because I couldn’t prove he started it *even with the scratches, bruises, scrapes* so they charged me with CDV and hauled me off to jail, the first time in my whole entire life. He went to see his attorney/the judge the next morning to get temporary custody of our girls *which was granted* and when I got out, he gave me an ultimatum. Either I stay with him and the girls, or leave without custody. I’m still fighting to get the charge removed from my record. I refuse to abandon my girls. They need me and I refuse to stay with a financially, emotional, mental, physical, verbal abuser. They don’t need to see and be with someone like that.

  39. Mine told me that one of his friends “hated” to hear my name and was rolling his eyes whenever he began talking about me- so i asked him “what did you tell him about me?” and he answerded: nothing. Huh?
    He also told me that all of his exes were “nuts” and only used him.
    Now he has this new target -i know about her because he has this new “look at us” facebook profile picture- that he rubbed into my face while talking about “platonic love” under one of my facebook posts.
    I blocked him.
    I am too tired for playing his stupid mind games.
    He also cheated on me with hundreds of prostitutes- doing it while knowing about my viewpoint considering this contemptuous sex industry.
    When i found out he first tried to blame me for his actions (he was lonely because i was never there for him…).
    I did not gave in so he got angrier and angrier- i was getting on his nerves that i a) did not trust him “anymore” b) often said “who are you- i don’t know who you are” c) was mad at what he did to me d) was afraid of him e) with my “stupid” feelings regarding his betrayal almost ruined his Ph.D.
    His poor new target does not realize what she is getting into. :-/

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