Co-parenting with a male Sociopath – Surviving divorce and separation when children are involved!!

It can be difficult enough coming out of the relationship with the sociopath. Your mind is left in a fog after gaslighting, manipulation and abuse. You are heartbroken to see that everything you had invested, and put into the relationship was neither valued, or appreciated by the sociopath.

The charming person that you met, that appeared to be the ‘love of your life’ has either had enough of the responsibility of parenting and has left for a less responsible life, or you have had enough and asked your sociopathic partner to leave, or felt that you had to flee for your own sanity and for the welfare of your children.

divorce1

Whatever the outcome, ending the relationship, which you think is going to end the problems, is often just the beginning of what can feel like an absolute nightmare.

How do sociopaths view their children?

You might think that as sociopaths do not ‘love’ in the traditional sense, then they will think nothing of their children, so why won’t they go quietly? The truth is that the sociopath, just as they view their partners, well even more than they view their partners, see their children, as something that they own their possession, something that is theirs, as much theirs as their arms or legs.  The sociopath can feel great attachment to their children. But almost always this is for their own narcissistic supply to meet their own needs, as they are unable to put the needs of anyone before themselves. They also cannot place the needs of the child in front of their own.

This means that the sociopath will likely use the child to control you. You might read recommendations on posts that say, NO contact!!! And think,  but I can’t? I have a child. How can I have no contact? This is impossible. You might feel despair and feel trapped. knowing that the sociopath can now use your child as a weapon to manipulate and control you.

Common sociopath tricks to continue to control the ex partner – other parent

  • Tell you that you are wicked, or cruel or a bad parent, if you do not allow him/her to see their child. That you are not acting in the best interests of the child (even if you are)
  • Not being reliable on visitation, making arrangements and then at the last minute, either not showing up at all, or letting the child down
  • Failure to make maintenance payments, or being unreliable with payments. Using maintenance to manipulate and control you
  • Constantly changing the goal posts, chopping and changing their mind, leaving you the other parent, upset, and not wanting to let your child down, or see your child hurt
  • Using the excuse to talk about the child, to keep in contact with you, and to then use information gained from you, to manipulate and control you
  • Telling you that you are a bad parent and threatening to take your children away from you (Sociopaths enjoy playing the legal game and having lawyers to fight against you) they will use the legal process to fight you, and make your life hell, just – because they can!!
  • Belittling you, or your parenting skills either to the child, or in front of your child

What to do and how to cope

Remember that to the sociopath, life, is just a game. Others in their lives are players in the game. You will see on a lot of other posts, that I say establish No contact, and stop playing the game. This is the only way to win.

However, if you have a child with a sociopath, you will know that it is not that easy. So, what can you do?

It is important that you do not allow the sociopath to take control of the situation. Also to stop playing the game with the sociopath. Unless you wish to go around in circles, with your head spinning and your child constantly being let down by the sociopath, it is recommended to seek legal guidance for

  • Maintenance (how much and when it should be paid)
  • Visitation rights – (when, for how long, what days, what happens if the sociopath lets the child down? – does visitation need to be in a contact centre?)

Before you get to a court you need to be aware that being in a court situation, is something that the sociopath very much enjoys. They love to play the game, to have the attention, to use legal professionals against you, and to control you.

You need to do the following to make your own life easier

  • Make all arrangements and agreements for your child formal through court  – Be FORMAL
  • Keep records of all contact with the sociopath. Telephone contact, email, texting – BE FORMAL (you might later need this as evidence as likely the sociopath will lie)
  • The sociopath rules by exploiting your emotions to control you. Do NOT display emotion. Even if you are seething, do not show any emotion at all. See this as BUSINESS. Be PROFESSIONAL (this might sound odd, but with the sociopath it is essential)
  • Do NOT discuss your own private information at any time – keep all communication ONLY about the child. Refuse to discuss your private information. Refuse to speak to the sociopath at all, UNLESS it is about the child. It is likely that the sociopath will use the excuse of the child to make contact with you, so that they can manipulate and control you. Refuse to play  this game, instead keep all communication only about the child. Everything else is none of the sociopaths business.
  • Do not put the sociopath down in front of your child. No matter how awful the sociopath is as a parent, it is still the childs parent. Encourage open and honest communication from your child about their visits
  • Remember that you still have a right to your own life

Stick to No Contact rules, do not look at their social networking sites, as this can cause you further pain. The only contact that you need to have with the sociopath is as follows

  • To discuss the needs of the child (it is likely that the sociopath will exploit this, but if you fail to discuss the needs of the child with the sociopath, they will use this against you in court.
  • Arrangements of maintenance payments. Do not get tied up about this. Expect to get nothing from the sociopath, unless it has been agreed by a formal arrangement (court usually, but sometimes in other countries, I am in UK, this can be through Child Support Agency) – with the sociopath, it is usually  better to have the agreement in writing through a court of law
  • Visitation access. YOU  tell the sociopath when they can see the child (the sociopath fits in around you) it is important not to give them control or they will exploit this, and use this to manipulate you. Try to protect your child, do not make a big deal about their parent coming if you know that parent is unreliable

These are the only reasons that you need to speak to the sociopath. Make it clear to the sociopath that your relationship is over. That contact will only be for the needs of the child. If the sociopath fails to make a visitation without good reason, do not re-schedule. Have regular set days which are convenient for you. if he/she misses contact, then make them wait until next time they have a contact day. Do not swap your plans around to fit in with the sociopath, or you will be controlled by the sociopath again.

Remember

  • Use law to support you
  • Never display emotion
  • ONLY discuss needs of the child, never your own private life
  • Keep records of everything
  • Do not play the Sociopaths game
  • Be formal have strict timetables and do  not be flexible for the sociopath as they WILL abuse this
  • Do not talk down about the sociopath parent in front of the child
  • Focus on you, and your child. Always put the needs of your child first, whilst paying attention to their safety and welfare – have a timetable and keep control

If you have been in this situation,or know somebody who has, is there anything else that you can think of?

Words © datingasociopath.com

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134 thoughts on “Co-parenting with a male Sociopath – Surviving divorce and separation when children are involved!!”

  1. So what happens when the sociopath is the mother and she is the one with primary physical custody? Any suggestions to help with that? She constantly tries to change our legal agreement and any time I don’t do exactly what she wants she takes me to court. I have no money left to fight her anymore and the next time we go to court I will have to represent myself. Family law favors her because she’s the mother. She has manipulated me and played so many mind games with me and she has drug me through court so many times that my financial situation is a disaster. I can’t fight her anymore. I want my kids and I want to be their dad, but I suffer from depression and I am at my breaking point. I have started to believe that the only way to end this is to let her have full custody because she has depleted my emotional and mental health and I dread getting my kids every other weekend because of the toll that the games she plays takes on me. I love my kids and I just want to have some semblance of peace when I’m with them, but instead I am completely stressed and out of my mind by the time I’m allowed to see them.

    1. FACT!!!! Women are not the same as the sociopathic fathers described. Their personalities and emotional reactions are quite different. Even reading a simplistic comparison of the genders such as `Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus’ will clearly demonstrate that. Therefore, this type of response from a male would lead to wonder about sociopathic credentials. There is definitely an ‘agenda of entitlement’ in your need to denigrate and control women, and that comes through in your response, as it does in many men who have misogynistic tendencies. The response of ‘poor me, she is responsible for all that is wrong with the world’ is an underlying thread in the thinking of these types of men. Unfortunately there is an underlying misogynism in our whole society. it goes back a long way, and the reason courts and most of the population out there who are only too ready to condemn a woman to further suffering is because this underlying thread in the psyche is very slow to be identified individually or collectively, thus continuing on the pain suffered by these women and their children.

    1. Yes, being boring works. Why ignoring, giving no emotional response works. They try to get a rise from you. However, simply playing the game can be exciting to them. If they cannot control you or get a response, they will use the legal system to punish you instead. This can be tricky and absolutely soul destroying for the mother. It can feel like a punishment that can go on forever, but the mother has far more control than she realises, being tough on them, not backing down, being firm and consistent, can really work.

  2. I have done all this, my ex beat me and was arrested, the CPS thought their case was so strong that they didn’t call the Police as witnesses, he charmed the court and was acquitted. In family court i requested a drug test, they ordered a 3 month test, he delayed the test by 2 months and 2 weeks, the court did nothing.
    I have refused to unblock his number from my phone, the magistrates tried to force me in court to unblock his number, i refused, that’s when they turned against me. They ordered that he’s allowed to contact me by email and that I have to reply within 24hrs, he uses every excuse regarding my daughter to contact me. In the past year I have had over 400 emails from him, it’s all about control, I went to see a police officer trained in harassment and abuse, the police said he’s so clever, the family court order prevents them from arresting him. He is a dangerous man, but has convinced everyone he’s a great guy, I’m so worried for my daughter, any advice would be greatly appreciated.

    1. Hi Angelslick what a heartbreaking story. Especially when your child is involved. Any court needs to look at ‘what is reasonable’. I don’t think it is reasonable to have to email him every 24 hours responding to his demands. If you are forced to do this by a court (what an odd thing to demand of you). Only ONE email. Very short, brief. No emotion little detail, to the point. But If you have a lawyer I would object to this. Is there anyway you could box clever prove that he is abusive and have an injunction order served on him?

      1. Hi, I went to the police some time ago, I spoke with a specially trained Harassment Officer, she told me that 100% this is a case of harassment and stalking but unfortunately the family court order that states I have to respond to him within 24 hours prevents them from arresting him. I feel so let down by my own country, how in this day could this be allowed to happen.

  3. I have been dating a sociopath for over a year now, which is in the midst of ending..plot twist! I’m pregnant. As I play out our relationship in my head from begining to now, I’m thinking How stupid could I have been? To think that someone who is ten years older than me, spent years in prison for being a cheat and a liar, and could so quickly ‘fall in love with me’ could ACTUALLY be so good and so true? It started off as they all do- wonderful. I became the main focus of his life within weeks. All other friends were forgotten about and it was US against the world “baby girl.” Our first argument was over a word that i corrected when he was pronouncing wrong. But based on his reaction, you would’ve thought that I had slapped him in the face. It scared me, how bad and guilty he made me feel. And once he saw that I was vulnerable to these vicious and degrading comments of his they gradually got WORSE. And I actually started to believe that my guilt and sadness and depression was my own fault. When he saw that I am quick to blame myself for arguments, he realized he had won me over. And when a sociopath gets that confirmation, you are done for sister. The whole script flips! Hes hiding things, he’s distant, he’s going places by himself now, exploits your emotions to the point of making you think that you might have a disease or disorder! But no you don’t, it is a brainwashing game for them. When they think you’ve finally caught on, they bring back the good stuff- cook dinner for you, rub your feet, buy you gifts, talk about marriage and children. They will convince you to do things sexually that you would’ve never thought was ok to do, but they make it seem normal and they need it to be satisfied. Next thing you know you’re in a three some with another female who he’s giving all his attention to. If you dont like it, well then you’re a prude. You leave, get caught back up in the apologies and lies, you come back he says let’s move in together. You’re so happy that you think maybe he’s learned and BOOM- you’re pregnant and he thinks “gotcha.” And then just like that he’s gone. Emotionally, he’s checked out if he ever even was checked in. the act is over, “I don’t have to pretend anymore.”

  4. Has any one else knows anything about 2 sociopaths . 1- socio My ex husband wanted to get rid of me and take everything that’s mine. And he has done this.

    2-socio to try and pick me up. But he never directly approaches me. He wants me to listen to the sounds around me then look around and try and recognise him under his disguze. He keeps changing his appearince. He has many faces. Then he wants me to follow him into a car or a building. But mostly cars. I don’t do this then I get old man around me or Pakistanis. It is frightening for me because these man look and look at me non stop till I leave the area.
    Everywhere I go the sociopath knows even when I’m at home the planes control my house. When I travel it’s the same.
    How can I stop this? I’m never going to go to him. I think there must be huge money for him if I go to him. Is there smear campaign pay out?… that’s why he is doing this. It’s been five years and no ending. I lost everything including my kids. I’m worried for my kids how all this is effecting them. I’m totally devastated.
    I hate both sociopaths. They are evil.

    1. Should I be naming and shaming them ? Would that stop them? But the 2 socio has many faces as well as many names. He has probably killed of his original identity.
      Because I think he has used up government money to start up the campaign or joined in with socio no. 1 ( my ex husband ). And if he don’t succeed in picking me up without verbal communication he would have to pay back the millions. So it’s not me he is after he just wants to control and use me. It’s the money that he is concerned.
      He should have no right to do this to me and my kids it should be illegal .

  5. Yes I have seen few doctors for counselling . Because of the false accusation from my ex husband. So he could take my kids from me, and wealth.
    Non of the doctors admit that there is a smear campaign agents me. The doctors are controlled by psych . Because the psych is a cop and a doctor. Now do you how trapped I’m !
    I have been set up to be a victim . So that I need him and go to him and not to reject him. But I won’t . Don’t want anyone to control me.
    I don’t chase any man just my beautiful kids who are in so much pain like me. What kind of evil people we have in this world?
    He is probably reading everything I’m writing here. That is how controlling he is. Don’t know why really I’m the most boring person I know these days. But I’m not crazy. Never been crazy .

    1. I’m not obsessed by him or anyone else. Just want him to leave go back to his own country far away from me as possible maybe then things go back to normal around me. As for psych no. 1 he has moved on but has my kids any contact with him is about my kids and nothing else. Unfortunately I still have to be nice to him as much as I hate it. All because he has my kids. And no court is going to give me my kids back. Because of the smear campaign that started wile we were in a middle of a child custody battle . It was hell on earth for me. It was like a play not a normal court preceding. I know this because I have been to court before.

      1. You have children. That makes it all the more tough. Devastating. Losing child is the worst thing to ever happen to a mother. Being nice to him don’t worry about that. How he behaviours is his karma. How you react is yours. Your children will eventually see the truth. They are not stupid.

      2. My kids already know how evil and mean their dad is unfortunately they have experienced this. That’s why I’m trying so desperately to get them away from him. They are having lots of stress related simtems. Unfortunately no one cares about my kids but me. And they always find an excuse as to why they department can’t help us. All I get is bunch of telepone numbers that don’t answer or they been coched by the socio what to say. Or put me on hold forever. Is there no humans left in the world?
        I can’t even go to the shop men I don’t know follow me and say rude things out loude and try and stand really close. Or if I don’t get out of my car because I see Pakistanis at the door they run behind my car chasing me saying bad things.
        I don’t want a man they are all shit!
        It’s crazy don’t people have anything else to do with their lives. I can’t turn to anyone my reletives send me photos of old man. My mother support the socios in every sence. God help me and my kids. Is my life ever going to be normal?

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