It might be tempting to hold on. To delude yourself. You struggle with letting go. Inside your head and your heart, there are two things going on:
- Memory of the person who was kind, charismatic, caring, funny, and great company (the euphoric memory of being loved)
- The hurt and pain of rejection, betrayal, loss, deception and lies (the painful memory of being unloved and disrespected)
You want to walk away. When you do, your heart hurts. It feels final. Your heart has a battle with your head. Your heart and your head fights for supremacy, you alternate in what you want and what you feel with such regularity, those who are left in your life (if anyone), are driven insane by your constant chopping and changing of mind (this is made worse by either silence from the sociopath, or bombardment of communication)
Your mind preaches hatred and anger, telling you that you really do deserve better. Your heart focuses on the good times. This is the period of confusion. It can feel like a whirlwind, going around and around, chopping and changing your mind and your feelings.
Whilst it might feel liberating to have feelings, it can also feel alien. Remember that for a while, you were in the relationship where your thoughts were controlled, and your emotions were manipulated. Now, for the first time, coming out of the relationship, you are being allowed to truly FEEL. Yes that is right – you can now feel YOUR feelings!!! You are also in control of your own mind, and your own thoughts. This change can be painful.
It has been a while since you were able to think for yourself, to feel for yourself. And truthfully you probably don’t know how to feel? When was the last time that YOUR feelings and thoughts were important, and you were not manipulated and controlled?
Others really do not understand
Unless you have also been through a sociopathic relationship, it is very difficult for others in your life to understand. To your confiders, they listen to your stories, and simply think ‘well it was that bad, why can’t you move on?’ ‘Forget about it’. What they do not realise, is that whilst you can go through some of the worst times in your life with the sociopath, you can also go through some of the best times also (even if this is just a false illusion and façade). How can something so seemingly very good, also be so very bad? How do you explain this to other people?
Things that you need when you come out of the sociopathic relationship
- Talk through things (with someone who will not judge)
- To be heard
- To be understood (by others)
- To make sense of what has happened to you
- The truth
- Knowledge and understanding
- Healing
- Hope (for the future)
You want the pain in your heart to go, and to no longer be confused. You want to understand, and for others to understand and support you too. Is this too much to ask?
There is also a sense of shame after you have dated a sociopath. The sociopath will do all that they can to leave you feeling humiliated and ashamed, and others can also jump on the bandwagon too.
What can make things worse?
- Being judged
- Feeling misunderstood
- Being told to ‘move on’
- Feeling isolated
- Self blame and punishment
What you need to do
- Be realistic with time – the longer that you were in the relationship – the longer it will take to heal
- The same goes for the level of abuse and deception, the more severe the abuse, the longer it will take to heal, be realistic about this. You won’t recover from a ten year relationship in two months. (you wouldn’t even if a healthy relationship had came to an end)
- Stay with the present. You cannot change the past, and the future hasn’t happened yet. Just focus on today – this is SO important. Just for RIGHT NOW…. stay with the present!
- Accept that you will alternate between being ruled by your heart and your head, as you work out those feelings, and the confusion caused by feeling betrayed and deceived – this can take a while, but remember, confusion does not last forever
- Spend time with people you trust
- Do not fear the silence of time alone – enjoy your space
- Play music which lifts your spirits, but NOT music which reminds you of your ex!
- Do things that celebrate you – what do YOU love to do?
- Sometimes, one of the most healing things to do, are things that you loved in childhood. There is a reason that children have simple things – drawing, art, reading, even cartoons – simple messages that can be good for your soul. Nourish your soul
- Write lists of what you want to achieve for the future
- Embrace NO CONTACT – each day – reward yourself for another day completed. Take this ONE DAY AT A TIME!!! Do not say that you will never speak to the Sociopath again, (although this is the intention), just say ‘for today’ or even for ‘this morning’ ‘this afternoon’ ‘this evening’
- Go through your clothes, have a clear out. Paint a room, move furniture around, create YOUR OWN environment.
- Put away anything related to the sociopath, put it in a box and into the attic or garage. Physically putting things away can help you to mentally put things away
- Write lists – if you have trouble in your life, from the sociopath relationship, financial, job or home loss or anything really – write lists how you can resolve these issues. It is a paper exercise, but you will feel better for doing something, at least making a plan, so will feel less helpless
- Don’t be too hard on yourself. Being with a sociopath is hard work, draining, confusing, heart-breaking, it will take a while to heal and recover!
Finally – I always say this – learn to love yourself. You really are worth it
Dating a Sociopath 
Thanks once again,you are an angel ;0)
I think my problem is that I would still be with the SOC if the other woman hadn’t exposed him to me etc…I am glad & grateful that this happened but,what has really baffled me is how can she (a Dr of Sociology) knowingly admit he’s a Sociopath & that he has put our sexual health at risk (yes I’m afraid he shared more than just lies & it led to major surgery for me :0( ) that she has continued to keep him in her life? I think that’s my biggest obstacle as I am utterly floored by her need for him after he has been discovered & that she recognised his enablers as well!!!
I have done everything to move forward & I am but,as you said time is the key & 10 years is a very long time to waste on such a villain! Unfortunately I did not find your blog before I had tried to expose him so,I came out looking like a Narcissist as he had laid the foundations of lies & manipulation well before I even met him! So I look crazy but,I know the truth.I sometimes wonder if reactions like mine cause him to look like the victim & me the nutjob?
I reacted to protect myself & tried to expose his lies etc…but,he still came out okay? He is still using the other woman for supply & his enablers think I’m loopy. I wish I had found you sooner so,that I hadn’t flown out of the hen house in full flight whilst the fox ate my eggs (lol).
Still Rising & better every day ;0)
Phoenix rising
I wasn’t sure where to ask you about something that happened to me on Friday night…I swear this happened to me and I haven’t told anyone about it because I don’t really have anyone to share this with.
So I was in bed…crying…I just felt this heaviness inside, it was pretty bad. When I turned myself to the left when I blinked I saw this white light flash and I stopped crying and the heaviness was gone just like that. I mean I felt like someone had been sitting on me and in a split second that feeling was gone and I fell asleep and I slept really good. The next day I had a good day kept busy and then my sociopath sent a text and u know how that goes.
Have you ever heard of this happening to anyone. I’m not cured but what was supposed to be a hard night turned Into a wonderful night without me talking myself out of my hole…
Hi Abs 🙂
Ok well a light always means healing or releasing of something or someone.
If you felt better it could have been some of the negative Soc energy leaving you.
It can come out in a rush or you may have more moments like this one 🙂
Stay open to the feeling it created as it allowed you peace etc….
Do you have a connection with teaching or are you studying at the moment?
I have a message that you like to learn & share information?
You are awakening spiritually (not surprising after this episode in your life) but, it is all good as you are starting to see more clearly which eventually will lead you to a heavenly love 🙂
Love & light 🙂
PR xoxo
I am truly unsure of myself. In the last 30 years, 8 of the 10 relationships have all been with sociopaths. Why do I keep going after the same kind of guy. I can’t seem to figure it out. I asked my therapist and she tells me, You aren’t picking them,. they are picking you. So how do I break this life long chain. My last relationship just ended 6 weeks ago and I feel like I am back at square one. The funny thing, each has been different in their approach, different red flags, but the out come is always the same. i keep thinking I will be able to spot one right off the bat
Hey, thanks for your post. Your therapist has a good point, they are picking you but why?
You are probably seeking something in your partner that you feel is missing in yourself. You have been single 6 weeks after 8 abusive relationships in a row. It is therefore to take time out. To focus on you, work with your therapist, and instead of looking for someone else to fill what you see as the ‘missing parts’ of you….. you can do this yourself. Fill in the gaps, learn to love yourself, heal from previous hurt, pain and abuse. When you truly love yourself, and you feel healthy, happy and whole…. you will also feel that you DESERVE to attract someone who treats you well, and with respect (you do)
You deserve this…. focusing on you, and therapy, and feeling whole within yourself, will help to not attract those types of people.
You see sociopaths mirror you….. to offer you exactly what you want and what you are looking for – they do it very well, so – after the whirlwind seduction you end up with yet another guy who is the same as the last.
Change YOU — and you can start to change the pattern of the last 10 years.
I had a therapist tell me that I was too nice, and that was why I continued to attract these idiots. She said I needed to assert myself more and that I was entitled to have my wants and desires just like he did, whereas before, I was always such a giver in the relationship. I am now in the best relationship I have ever been in and he’s “normal”…keep pushing forward everyone…you can do this…one day at a time…one bridge at a time…
I am a 43 yr old male. I met a 41 yr old female sociopath. She was emotionally abusive. The last straw was being yelled at on a public sidewalk, she called me a phony because my adoptive parents are fake. This malicious behavior was in contrast from the beginning of our relationship. She was very affectionate, loving and said I was handsome, loved my deep voice and claimed to have the same values as I. I recently came to terms and accept the harsh reality that her abusive behaviour is ingrained and will not change. I ended the relationship. I returned all her belongings from my apartmen, along with changing my phone numbers. I knew at some poi t I would receive a text stating that she misses me and claiming her supposed undying and neverending love. Hence the drastic need to change my numbers. I realised that any type of abuse is about power and control. She wins by hurting others. We datedoff and on for three month. As the time and date of this post the break up has been only a matter of days. This time around. I have taken measures to shut the door on this sad chapter of my life permanently! She will not change her abusive behaviour and patterns. She is most likely running her script on someone else. I have to learn about and forgive myself. I choose no longer to be her victim. Thanks for the much needed teachings from this important website. It has helped me to understand and hopefully apply these teachings to further protect myself from the guises of a sociopath.
How about you want to hurt them, how about you tell them how you feel, that you think about them a being SoC isn’t that a stigma?? Would that hurt them? How about you tell them you care and that you can’t make their life better…I am kidding…. I still base my state of mind on giving. I am sad, and hurt, and confused, – feel alone…., and it’s been so long and nothing makes sense.. . I felt love all along, was only love… Why not him? Why there has to be someone else? Prove me wrong… I feel all that is just, I can’t comprehend…
I have found that the healthiest way to get over ANY breakup starts with honest self-reflection. With the help of a therapist if the circumstances require, addressing my own faults and then gaining more self-understanding, as painful as that may be.
We can sometimes help those open to help, but can really only fix ourselves.
Who can help to protect you from making the same mistakes? You can make a good-faith effort, you can continue to learn and to grow.
Some psychopaths seem like masters of lies and illusion; if you can handle the overwhelming light of truth, develop discernment, and care enough about what deserves your care, you will find more truth in your lives.
I’m in the very early stages of trying to leave a sociopath. I still love him. But I’m now seeing everything for what it was – I go back over old “love” letters and I see the flowery language, the grandiose, all of the textbook stuff. After years of being together, we actually talked about it. He knows what he is, he knew that I was aware of it, and after many years he “admitted” it to me. I could live with it – I thought, foolishly – because he was different with me. He was himself with me, he let his guard down. He let me in on some of what it was like to live as a sociopath. I finally realized it was another game, and he knew he wasn’t risking anything by “admitting” things he knew I already knew. I’m so very glad I found this site, some of the posts here have been such eyeopeners, they’ve actually brought me to tears. It’s very hard not to feel stupid but I know I was just being human.
You are not stupid Kosmia. There is no crime in wanting to love and be loved! …. that is normal, healthy. Unfortunately their brain works in a different way to yours. They will never be what you want – as there will always be lies, deception and a mask of illusion.
Hi
4years ago I met a man that swept me off my feet. From the moment I met him he wanted to be with me all the time. We were having sex 3times a day and he bought me gifts and took me out all the time, but just after 2weeks he started behaving very strange, one night I met my friends for a few drinks and after an hour my friend told me, isn’t that your boyfriend behind the column? And it was him, I was not angry as I thought he was lonely at home as he had no friends and wanted to join us so I didn’t say anything. After a few weeks he started becoming obsessive, calling me at work all the time, coming to my job to check on me, very demanding and pushing me around when I object, also shouting at me in the street or in front of colleagues, so I would dump him and after a few days he would come crying and buy me gifts to take him back. Cause I loved him and wanted to believe him, I would accept him back. However things got worse and he started becoming very abusive physically and mentally, calling me slut and horrible things every time I didn’t do what he said. One time he asked me to swim at midnight and I didn’t want as I have long hair and didn’t have a hair dryer, he started yelling at me and got out of the pool so because I was afraid I wanted to leave as I had my own car, he freaked out and started running after me and throwing me on the floor. He started breaking things at home and punching doors. So I left him and the next day he was on a dating site looking for a replacement. This killed me as I thought this man loved me. And so the vicious circle started. He knew my weak points and that every time he broke up with me, I would cry as I could not accept that he would be with another woman. We made up after 4 weeks and kept having a turmoil relationship until 2 weeks ago. I was always hoping that he would change, that he would start showing some emotions, but he had drained me of everything. He moved to London 9 months ago so I paid every month my flight to go and see him, he became distant and evasive. he never had time for me and it was all about him. i struggle every month with my salary as im a single mother of 2 young men so discovering just recently that he was paying prostitutes and massage parlours but never offered to help me with the ticket was a big shock to me. When I finally caught him, he admitted that he is a jerk and he is addicted to sex and prostitutes. He had tears in his eyes and told me that I’m a princess and deserve much better, but texting me when he went back to London to keep me hoping. I wanted to help him but I knew that he is the one who needs to want help, so a couple of days after he returned to London and while he was still calling me and texting me, I decided to check his yahoo mail as he had given me the password some months ago. What I found was devastating, while texting me that he was warming the pies I usually bake for him while visiting in London, he created 8 profiles on dating sites inUk, writing that he is looking for his soul mate. Chatting with women and offering to pay their flight to go visit him in London. I freaked out as I am already suffering the trauma of the prostitutes and had to have all blood tests, plus this made it worse. I started sending him horrible messages and swearing at him as I felt so used and manipulated for the past 4years. Please help me, I really would like to let go and find peace within. What should I do? I am a very attractive Mediterranean 43 year old. Why have I allowed this man to hurt me so much
Hi Malena, welcome to the site. I am so sorry to read that you are hurting. With pain does come healing. A part of that healing is discovering the truth, and this can be very painful. All that you can do is to take one day at a time. Read the articles on healing and recovery. Establish NO CONTACT and stick with it (see how in the drop down section on healing and recovery at the top. No contact at all, if you do this you will heal quicker as it will force you to focus on you and your needs and not on him.
Hello again, I have now done 8 months no contact at all, and I must say I feel empowered and in full control of my life, but two days ago I had to put my car in the garage and then I received a text from a strange number as I have blocked all his contacts and friends from my phone. It’s 8 months and the sociopath is talking like we are still together I have not replied not once? Strange? He even sent texts as if I had replied”yes please” and things like that, weird! , I just remembered to share it with you. I’m not going to lie it made me feel a bit surprised as I’m totally focussed on me, I won’t respond as I know what will happen, I think his latest source of supply must have rumbled him why he remembers me. I’m very stubborn anyway and I will stick to it, even if I saw him I would ignore him as I still remember his toxic abuse towards me. I don’t want to go there. I want to forget now, as there is nothing I can do about the lost I was faced with, his last text at 7am stated he was going to come to see me!! If he dose I will call the police immediately. So that’s my latest. What do you think?
Hi Karen,
They do this. In their mind, just seeing you again, they think that they can pick up where they left off. Remember that they do not experience guilt, remorse or shame, so these feelings are not present. They often think that they can just pick up where they left off. Usually this is because their current supply has either come to an end, or is coming to an end, so they catch up with you. Also they think that you have had a time to cool down now, wont be mad, and well can they get their foot back in the door? Yes, he replies as if you answered yes – because really he could be having a conversation with himself. Its all about him remember. In his mind, if you don’t reply – well… he thinks you can’t resist him, and he is doing you a favour by being in contact with you now. This is how they can sneak their way back in. In their mind they are not doing anything wrong. They just change their mind and change direction. And though they would see how you are. As they don’t feel guilt, they don’t get why you wouldn’t be pleased to hear from him? 🙂
And yes….. if you ignore, then it goes to the next level, ‘they will come to see you’…. this is of course a form of control, just to FORCE you to reply. They hate being ignored.
I was in lie with an sociopath for 2 yearconvincing,her cheating 2 times. Once with My best Friend in the next room when i was takng a nap. This was 6month into our relationship. Foolishly i chose to believe her over my best friend of 20years…over someone I knew for 6months. I was heads over heel for her. She said my friend led her on and I believe her. Everything was fine for awhile after I forgave her.
Fastfoward to 6month later. One time we had a huge argument and she threw the phone I brought her toward me..she left and thought it was broken, but yet she didn’t realize it wasdidn’t. But sheonly still working but it was logged in on to her face book account…only did I realized she was flirting with handful of guys and inviting them over…I don’t need to go in to details about that…during the next three days I was seeing her talking dirty to multiple guys…I was devastated… Eventually I confronted her with the proof and she finally broke down and admitted she was diagnosed as class a sociopath…she begged for forgiveness telling me sob story about her dysfunctional childhood…and like a blind man in love gave her a last chance.
She then offer me her fbook password and told me i can monitor it and only did i realized she had unbelievable amount of admirers or groupies if u want to called it..she got three different guys believe she had a imaginary baby with each and one of them after a random previous encounters which was before i had met her, so i gave her the benefit of the doubt and still forgave her.
Her story to these unknownly guys were so convincing it was so crazy, they brought it…anyhow she ceased contact with them…she had made so many internet friends fall in love with her that it was unbelievable…but she told me, your the only person that knows who iam. And that she will change for me. She told me everything you would need to know about a sociopath. How she couldn’t control herself from surfing on craiglist sexual encounter ads..how she would respond to those ads and only tease those gullible guys and make them fall in love with her, sometimes meeting them, most she didnt. But she told me she get a thrill and satisfication controlling these strangers heart and played with them….she shared everything to me, how she think …how easily bored she would get…I didn’t know what a sociopath was at the time. But after she told me I went online and did a research and it was scary…she fits the description to the t…
But yet I still gave her a chance. Why? Maybe I was so intrigued… I thought I might be the first person to change a sociopath… Lying to myself she admitted to me, so maybe a sociopath finally let guard down because she truly loved me? She was a mirror of me. She made me feel so good about myself…she molded herself to whatever emotional needs I have. She says I love you at the perfect
Time at the right moment each and everyday when we are together. I loved her to death. I never thought I can love someone so deep. She made me feel so good about myself that I overlooked this again…but I told her if I ever catch u again its over for sure.
Who am I kidding…1year later, which was two days ago. I caught her again…red handed….theyre was so much inconsistency even before this day which she destroyed my heart again. But this is the third strike….i need to be strong. I have to be. That is why i pass thru this blog and decide to share my story. I need support to get away from this unhealthy emotional cycle of relationship…i blocked her number, but im still scared she will call me thru private and yet i will succumb to her powers….god help me. I know i can get out of this relationship or is it illusion…alive. Wish me luck everyone.
I feel for you and understand you 100%. I’m going thru hell myself now. Sometimes I prefer to be dead than feel this pain. He’s put me thru hell a drained me out, I lost my job my money my head and my heart. It has been a year since you wrote this. How are you feeling now ? Is there hope for me ?
Hi Vanessa, yes there is hope for you, I know that incurring such losses, can be absolutely devastating. How do you get back up? How do you repair? How do you heal? It feels like he has ruined your life, then swanned off into the sunset. As if nothing happened. While you are left picking up the pieces. I want you to know that all that you have lost, are just ‘things’. The biggest loss, is the loss of you. I too lost everything. I am rebuilding now, with new bricks. This time, the rubbish has been cleared, I can start again. Losses are difficult to cope with, but I want you to know, that sometimes this happens, simply so that you can rebuild your life again. Clearing out the old, to make space for the wonderful you, that will come in… I promise you this, to welcome in the new, you have to fully let go of the old.
Wow ,at least she attempts to make YOU happy,I don’t even get that ….I’m in the same boat and I just hope it’s not a sushi boat because they go in endless circles.Good luck be strong keep in mind we are just “suppliers”.sincerely Jeff
They often do when they want something. It can be quite creepy.
Hello I have been no contact with my sociopath ex for 6 months im really in pain some days are easier but some days I just don’t understand. Sometimes I find that I just want to see what he’s up to so I check his facebook. I’m considering counseling but I don’t really know where to start with my search any suggestions?