Real and Fake Jealousy


It might seem an odd concept that if a sociopath doesn’t feel emotions, how is it possible to experience jealousy?

jealousy

Sociopaths can feel jealousy.  The sociopath sees you as a resource that he owns.  He barely has control of himself and so he needs someone else to control. A sociopath will see you, as a part of himself.

Sociopaths like to:

  • Win
  • Have control and be in control
  • Have ownership and dominance over you

There are two types of jealousy that you will experience with a sociopath

  1. Fake Jealousy
  2. Real Jealousy

Fake Jealousy

A sociopath is very capable of faking emotions, at least when it suits him to do so. Usually this is so that he can manipulate, deceive and use you. He might not feel genuine jealous feelings, but he will display these feelings to you. He does this, simply to control you.

‘Acting’ jealous can isolate you from a friend who is the opposite sex – when he deliberately accuses you of ‘doing something’ with this friend. Alternatively, he can ‘act’ jealous about plans that you have made with otherpeople that he isn’t involved with. You will protest at how ridiculous this is. This person is just a friend, or that you have planned to do things with other people. But the sociopath will act furious, and will feign hurt, and rejection. He   acts out this role with such gusto, that you will be fooled into thinking that he actually does believe what he is accusing you of.

He doesn’t.

Fake Jealousy is a manipulation tool, designed to control you. By faking that he is feeling jealous, he reasons that you will feel guilty. To stop any further drama, you will likely feel the need to stay away from the friendship. The sociopath will act hurt, in fact, he might actually go as far as to ‘cry’ in front of you. It won’t be real tears. They are very good at turning on the tears, and feigning hurt and injury. This is done in an effort to make you feel bad, make you feel guilty, control you, and to remove people (who he perceives, could in the future be a threat) from your life.

How can you tell if it is fake jealousy?

Fake jealousy is relatively easy to detect, when you have been with the person for a while. You know:

  • It has no bearing on reality
  • The outburst associated with it is VERY dramatic
  • You feel like you are being controlled
  • You feel like you are being manipulated
  • You are being told… not to see this person ever again and you will be warned under the guise of jealousy, of hurt feelings, of rejection. Or even, under the guise of ‘having your best interests at heart’

You will be made to feel bad. And how you are made to feel bears no reality to what has happened. His reaction is way over the top. And nothing you do or say will make him stop bringing it up. Well nothing apart from you saying that you will have nothing more to do with that person again.

Why does he fake jealousy? 

He will fake jealousy if he fears that this person is

  • Advising you to leave him
  • At risk of taking your time, therefore removing his total control over you

A sociopath will find it difficult to manipulate you, and control you for what he needs, if others are in the way. He does have a genuine fear that others might take you away from him. The reason why he thinks this is because he fears losing control.

It is never about LOVE it is always about FEAR of losing control.

  • He does it to control you.
  • To stop you from exposing him.

Real Jealousy

Whilst a sociopath might seem to be the bully and the controlling manipulative man, at the heart of who he is, is an insecure man. The sociopath is a weak person.

A sociopath can therefore feel jealousy of you, or others in your life for the following reason

  • Fear that you will find others more interesting
  • Fear that other people have real qualities, that he is faking and you might go off with them (thus losing his control over you) and a loss of supply
  • Fear that you will talk to others about him, and he will be exposed
  • Fear that he is losing control over you

A sociopath will therefore react strongly, and you could see the narcissistic rage occur. Jealousy can be felt. But it can be real or fake. The biggest difference between the two is that with fake jealousy, because it is a manipulation tool, the sociopath can fake it for a long time, and is heavily dramatic – and nothing will stop him raging about what he says he is jealous of, until he is sure that the source of the threat is removed.

Warning:

A sociopath who is jealous can be dangerous. A sociopath who is jealous is likely to display narcissistic rage. If the jealousy is fake, NOTHING will reassure him. Nothing but removing whatever he is jealous of out of your life. 

This is how people become slowly isolated in their relationship with the sociopath. It becomes too much trouble to have others in your life. Sociopath’s know this, and play up to it. The less people you have your life, the more he has total control over you.

Copyright © datingasociopath.com 2013

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34 thoughts on “Real and Fake Jealousy”

    1. I know….. me too. I felt I couldn’t have male friends. The worst that he did with this one. One day, I had a friend that I had known for years. I hadn’t caught up with him in a while, he worked in same field as me. I needed to get another job. So I said i would see him later…. friend stayed for 2 hours. he left…. he had brought one beer… which we had in the backgarden.

      He left i went to the shop. I came home from the shop, and he had jumped over my back fence into my garden saw two glasses on the table…. OMG he went mental. i was planning to see him — he started shouting yelling, swearing…. I had literally only seen ONE friend for 2 hours. It was crazy – worse was that he was shouting outside my house you fing whore you slut etc…. my neighbours came out there was a row, I had complaints from my neighbours and almost lost my home because of it….

      Just a joke he would hack into my social networking, email, my phone I could never leave around or he would read it. I didn’t do anything so there was nothing for him to have a drama about. It was like emotional rape, a real violation of privacy.

      1. I just seen this post, sorry it took a while to respond. He was so jealous of my friend I thought it wad cause he lovef me, but now reading this, just another of many ley doens. Fake jealousy , I nevet even knew this existed. Scary shit. Yet I am so fascinated by tbis behavior, it holds my interest. I feel like I dinally understand all this crazy abusive behavior. Knowledhe sure is key.

      2. Mine was def fake jealousy towards me. He was still hung up on his ex, the mother of his children who he told me he had used physical force with when she was carrying their youngest. I’m not sure if this was the first time he had been forceful but he told me he wouldn’t with me because I ‘didn’t wind him up’ he showed a lot of sociopathic traits but seemed to be and probably still is in love with his ex. Despite her having a new partner he would rage to me about them whenever he picked his children up. Would turn up at my house with cut fists claiming he had hit this new guy because he was playing with his eldest etc. I honestly don’t know what was true, how he felt or what day it was! I’ll prob never ever find answers or closure and just have to carry on best I can. It’s a struggle when your mind is still whirling with unanswered questions 😞😞

    2. Me too, happend to me with male & female friends. male frnds were threat to me, his territory, ownership. he was dramatic & used lewd words re the platonic male frnd, didnt believe there can be platonic rships with men. I am only 2 days no contact, after 6 or 7 breakups over 2 yrs, (2-3 mth brk up periods) hope u all are well. i’ve missed going on this site, am back now. i learning my lesson lol re spaths/narcs

    3. Thanks so much for this blog. I ended a relationship with a person EXACTLY like this a few days ago. I started to feel crazy. He was constantly making things up, claiming I was cheating and i had to defend myself everyday in one or another. If he got called out, he became verbally and emotionally abusive. I could not love him out of this, I tried. I am also pregnant with his child. I have blocked him from calling/texting me for my own sanity (he told me THE day we broke up that he’s moving in with a girl). Unfortunately, I saw the red flags early, but they were disguised as love and care. I’m still thankful I got out in time. I am hurting to know that it wasn’t love, but control. It’s also painful to deal with the fact that I know he’d come back and “love” me, but it would be at the cost of happiness. Thanks again for the blog, really helped.

      1. I have finally finished my 14 year relationship it has been a long and turbulent path with split ups and affairs along the way. Good on you Kellie for getting out now, you’re doing the right thing.
        i told him yesterday that I don’t love him nor do I like his behaviour. and I want him away from my house.
        It took so long because of our dear thirteen year old son and i was in denial trying to believe any familly set up is better than parents living apart but it wasn’t alife and more damaging for our son. it’s done and I feel relieved and calm. We do have to meet as there are many things to discuss.
        I have been following positiva since June last year and at last I don’t have the fear. Things will be very difficult but there will be no going back only 24 hrs.
        My son picked me some daffodils so I’m over the moon. Time to get positive and do some spring cleaning.
        Thanks again positiva onwards and upwards.

    4. Me too, a friend came over, while i was babysitting at another house. My ex narc took me over to talk to the friend, he wanted to pay him out to stay at a motel. He then berated, raved on to me about it for 8hrs aftaward & said lewd things about the friend, who i never had romantic feelings for & had made it clear to my ex narc & vice versa. And he brought up topic even mths later. I probably had my mob ph checked for texts from this friend etc.

    5. This happened to me alot too! More often over time, every 2nd day! I couldn’t speak or barely look at any man exept our mutual pastor friend. Anyone else & i’d get the rage, jealousy, lecture, argument initiated by my ex narc.

  1. I’m glad you got the courage to move on Liberty. Relieved and calm is a good way to describe it. I know these will come more with time and perhaps a little therapy :). I can describe it as a tsunami hitting and we’re left with the destruction and job to clean it up. Lord knows he won’t. It’s been 8 days since I’ve talked to him. I have terrible days but all in all, I’m less stressed and ready to get the next part of my life started. How has your ex been about your son? Any advice you have about my baby, who’s due in September?

  2. I met the father of my son on millenium eve and a long story short moved from London renting out my property to fund living on the coast. Within 3 weeks I was pregnant I couldn’t believe it 42 about to have my first child. It went quite well for the first few years until we moved to his home town after he finished our first property which I funded and he built. I hated living there and couldn’t wait to move away from his provincial town so I sold up in London and bought a run down place with fab sea views. He stayed in town seeing me and our son at weekends which was ok. I didn’t know what he was up to nor was I that bothered, out of sight out of mind. He moved back full time in 2008 and I found it difficult but bearable until his ‘girlfriend’ of 4 years came to tell me of her relationship with him which involved 1 miscarriage and one late termination. Did I kick him out no, I thought we could get through it with counselling and I think it was best for our son. However Christmas 2011 he got paralytic and verbally abusive towards everyone including our son this was Christmas Eve so he spent Christmas Day in bed too ill to do anything. That’s when I decided I had enough, it took me 3 months to get him out but after 5 months we decided to try again. What a mistake last year it all got too much for me and I has a nervous breakdown and went on anti depressants while going through the menopause. The tipping point came on Saturday when I had a light bulb moment and realised I couldn’t go on. Our son is coping but it’s early days.
    My advice would be to get a way from him and don’t look back. They are wired up differently constantly pulling and pushing creating chaos where ever they go. I consider myself an intelligent and emotional stable but not after this. So I shall go for mediation and counselling. Positiva is great . Keep calm etc

  3. My ex was so good at displaying fake jealousy. If we both out together and I talked to other guys in a friendly manner I could tell that he really could have cared less. What he was really doing was making a mental note of it so when I found him chatting to random women online, he would then bring up how upset he was when I talked to those specific guys on that specific night. It got to the point where I felt like he was analysing and making a mental note of every single thing that I did so that he could use it as ammunition later and to deflect from his own behaviour. He was basically stockpiling it all until he could use it to his advantage. Because had he approached me about it as it was happening it would have achieved nothing for him. He never felt actual jealousy but he knew how to fake it to his maximum benefit.

  4. After leaving the psycho ex I wondered a long time why the accusations were happening. It was easy to dismiss as me sending bad impressions or him having delusions.
    But recently I realized he always sabotaged when I was trying to prove my innocence by trying to contact other accused parties. That was when I realized he was simply lying. I then wondered why he was lying about this. Was it out of sheer sadism just to hurt me and watch me suffer?
    Reading this I now realize that it was indeed sadism but more specific just to stop me from being seen as a person. I had to become a small little toy again. A toy to be used sometimes and then discarded in a corner till next use.

    1. Yes, this is exactly what happens wildred kitty. He lies, because he can. he has no consience so doesn’t feel bad for lying. He can lie, just because he can. He can lie for fun. He can lie to mislead you, control you, manipulate you, play games with you. Like a cat plays with a mouse 😦

  5. I have seen all of this ‘fake’ jealousy. My ex really did display a ‘lot’ of the traits and still I’m in turmoil because he seemed to and still probably does love his ex, the mother of his children. Before we got together I found pictures of them kissing and a quote from him ‘don’t think I will ever be able to delete this’ and pictures of his tattoo (her name) which he had covered not long after. He told me he had used physical force against her while pregnant but that he wouldn’t ever touch me because I didnt ‘wind him up’ if he loves her so much though how can he be a sociopath? He displayed ever pay other trait. It’s such a confusing rollercoaster it truly is.

      1. I guess so, I just can’t wait for the day that he’s not constantly on my mind, remembering how amazing and loving he was for the first few months before we met and for the first few weeks afterwards. even though red flags were present and that not acting on them is all my own fault etc, the feeling that I simply wasnt good enough for him despite all my efforts or not being able to be what he wanted and not being lovable. It’s a vile feeling and my heart goes out to every one suffering and desperate for closure.

      2. Diggs isn’t true that you weren’t good enough. Nobody would be. I bet he made everyone he has dated feel this way. It isn’t a reflection on you. You are not stupid either. Would it be better to be paranoid and mistrust in suspicious? Or open honest trusting ??? You are normal that’s why you are the latter 🙂

      3. this comment just made something in me go….oh my god…Like a switch just came on and I can see everything clearly now. I was only an hour ago having one of my daily cries of confusion to 18 months of this. I have questioned to myself if he is a narc multiple times over this period and have done extensive reading about it…but HE IS SO GOOD AT MAKING ME FEEL SORRY FOR HIM – my heart never wanted to believe it – he kept redirecting the blame to his “bastard of a father who treats him so badly that he ….” oh god u know the “its not me its them” story.
        Reason this comment FINALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLY confirmed it was because he keeps making excuses about why he cant divorce his wife, and I questioned it mainly cos they have not been living together for a year and very obvious he doesnt love her………but they have a 12 year old….thankyou for opening my eyes to the final piece of this 50 million word puzzle – the pain just lifted away and for the first time in ages im calm.

  6. It’s how he’s made me feel though. I have never tried to hard before in my life to be what someone wanted and knew I was fighting a losing battle because nothing I did made him happy, I made no difference to his life in anyway. Just another notch on his bed post and I have learned the hard say that you can’t be someone you are not and you definetly can’t make someone like him love you.

  7. OMG!!! He left me a week ago after 25 years together for a tramp whose boyfriend died 4 months ago! Reading about his fake jealousy, possessive traits, all of it make perfect sense to me! I’m not crazy as he’d accuse me of being! He always had to win an argument- even when I proved him wrong, he’d still never admit it.
    Why did I put up with it for so long?? I’m glad he’s gone, he’s done me a favour, she’s welcome to the narsassistic (?) sociopathic, cheating, lying controlling bastard! Ps he can’t deal with money so he’ll soon be in debt again, I’ve bailed him out 4 times! Her problem now not mine!!!

  8. This article makes so much sense now! Once upon a time, I was heading out meeting with my old friend and my dear S lost it completely. At first I thought it was all a joke because he was never jealous before and I thought he was kidding. But he made it very clear there are no ‘old friends’, just guys who want one thing from you. He deactivated his profile, basically send me to hell, blocked my number. The next day, he unblocked me and I sent him a long email. We talked for like 4 hours, cat and mouse game for him, I was basically apologising all over and in the end he said like: Oh, I am sorry, it is my fault. I was in shock and I asked him if he is joking again. And he lost it completely again. Drama after drama.

    What still haunts me and puzzles me up to today is his ex who was suppose to die in a car accident. He was still praising her, telling me stuff about her, like she was some kind of goddess. I mean, I get it, he tried to make me jealous. Or was he? Is it possible he actually loved someone so much, he was depressed about her most of the time he didn’t declare eternal love to me?

    1. I know that this sounds terrible, but do you know FOR SURE that his ex died in a car crash? (mine faked car crashes and that someone died in one too). I lie, I met two that faked car crashes. One faked that his ex fiance died in a car crash, the other faked that he had been in a car crash and his best friend died. This is why he had lost his friends 🙂 lies, lies all lies… I only wish I had the video tapes 🙂

      1. Of course I can’t know for sure. After all, we don’t even live in the same country. I can only know what he chooses to tell me. But he occasionally cried over her, he decicated statuses for her on his profile, told me stories about them, he even once sent me an email saying he will commit a suicide because he can’t live without her any longer. He was actually away for two months and then he came back writing me an email he didn’t die in a car crash he caused that night. There sure is hell of a lot of car crashes for S people.
        Also, his sister cut ties with him, his mother died, his father too when he was young. Probably all lies, lies, lies.

  9. My sociopath has no friends or family. I see him doing this to his new victim, however he never did it to me. Sometimes if I had a friend that didn’t like him or I couldn’t take him around he would say bad things about them. Or if I had a friend I was particularly close to that he was jealous of he would say they were f***** up. But he never tried to keep me from people. why is that? Is it the 30-year thing? Did he know where his boundaries were with me, what he could push and what he couldn’t?

  10. I also experienced this. It occurred very early on in he relationship and has got worse over the last three years. The first time it happened was about a year ago when I accidentally told my boyfriend about a male patient I had, who owned a drum school. I thought it was a pretty cool occupation, and my boyfriend is very musical so I thought it would be an interesting anecdote. Well, he stopped talking to me for three days (I had no idea at the time that THIS was the cause), and for the next year and a half every time I had to stay late at work to finish a project I was accused of “staying late for drum lessons”.

    My clinic also worked with some of the local police officers who were dealing with PTSD. Based on absolutely nothing, my boyfriend was SURE I must be cheating with an officer. I was even told not to walk by the police precinct on my lunch hour (there is a coffee shop just up from the precinct that I used to go to).

    He had histrionics once when I went to look at a condo for sale close to where we currently live (we don’t live together, we have condos a couple doors apart from each other in an older building). We had been talking about moving to a newer building and a suite came up for sale in a nice complex down the block. I went to the open house, just to see what the layout and finishing was like. When I told him about it later he COMPLETELY freaked out and started yelling at me, accused me of planning to abandon him, said it wasn’t fair, that the reason he had stayed in our current building was for me and now I was leaving. It was over the top- I just went to LOOK at the suite out of curiosity. The weirdest part was that he was supposed to have come with me but canceled at the last moment.

    Then I had to go out of town for work: I was asked to help set up a new clinic in another town. It was a great opportunity for me to make some extra money as my boyfriend and I had been planning a trip to Montreal in September. I had three rounds of five days each that I had to do, in June, July and August. When I told him about it, he FREAKED. He accused me of abandoning him, he insisted that I was planning to leave him and relocate to this town, he said it sounded “highly suspicious” and accused me of planning to cheat with the doctor who was opening the clinic. He told me that he was going to sell his condo and move out without letting me know as “revenge” for going away. When none of this worked (mostly because I had no way of backing out of the contract or I would have) he stopped talking to me and cancelled our trip to Montreal.
    Of course, by the time I actually had to fly out, I no longer wanted to go- he totally killed any enthusiasm I had for the project and I was worried every moment that I was away. I texted and phoned all day, every day to reassure him that nothing untoward was going on. When I had to go the second and third times he was a bit better, but then again I had pushed for him to travel WITH me on the last two trips. I thought if he could see the clinic and meet the staff he would see that there was nothing to worry about. He said he would come with me then cancelled. I was VERY glad he did not because I needed to maintain my professionalism which is very hard to do when someone is playing mind games and making ridiculous and very hurtful accusations.

    I had a very good friend come to visit from out of town- she and her husband rented a house for a week and asked me and my boyfriend over for a BBQ as they had never met him. He refused to go, and then was jealous and upset that I returned home at 10:20, saying it was too late for me to be out! My friend came to town a couple more times and I went to visit but could not stay long for fear that I would get in trouble and would have to face accusations and the dreaded Silent Treatment again. She knew the situation, but did not understand at all and has stopped contacting me. She told me that if I was going to stay with him and let him abuse me that she no longer wanted to be friends with me. This really sucked as it took away a critical component of my support system but i sadly guess she wasn’t such a good friend after all.

    He would constantly pointed out men on the street who he thought were staring at me. He was convinced the married owner of a local cafe we frequented was after me. It was very awkward because the owner would always come over to say hello to us when we went because we were such good customers, but I had to be careful not to appear to be too engaged in the conversation or ask too many questions. It was so bizarre. I am not bad looking, but I am no Scarlett Johansson. At first I was flattered that he thought I would be the recipient of so much attention but now I find it weird and creepy.

    In July and August we started making plans to move to a larger city so that he could take a better job. He is in government and has a very high position here but wants an even higher position in a larger center.
    At the beginning of September, he went to Vancouver for a week for job interviews and blew me off the entire time- not a single text or call. Not a word. I cannot tell you how upset I was, especially since I had tried so hard to keep in contact with him while I was away. When I tried to bring up the topic I was punished with another 4 days of Silent Treatment so I have never brought it up again.

    Meanwhile, the jealousy got so bad that I could no longer stay late at work, even if a patient was late, or I needed an extra hour to catch up on paperwork. I applied for, and received a transfer to the city so had a job lined up for whenever my boyfriend found a suitable position. However, the strain from having to constantly walk on eggshells and the long stretches of Silent Treatment started to affect my job performance and I ended up losing my position (if you have never experienced Silent Treatment it is much worse than anything else- I would honestly rather be yelled at or hit. It makes you feel like you are something disposable and worthless. My boyfriend used/uses this tactic often and has stopped talking to me completely, without cause or warning, for up to a month. I am a wreck when this happens as it usually is preceded by a really great few months where I start to let down my guard and feel loved and content and then I am totally blindsided by this cruel rejection).

    My boyfriend returned from Vancouver. I lost my job mid-month, which effectively ended any chance of us both moving to the city together. He was great and very supportive when i lost my job- he gave me money to cover my upcoming car payments and came over every night for a week to bring me food and sit with me while I struggled to put together a plan. He helped me with my resume, looked up jobs he thought would be suitable, cooked for me held me… he was awesome. Until I found another job,. Unfortunately, the job is here and I am obligated to stay, at least for a year. I had no choice, as jobs in my field are not easy to come by. At first he said “no problem. it is only a three hour drive we can visit on weekends” which was reassuring. But then he put his condo up for sale and stopped talking to me for the past 6 weeks. He JUST started talking to me again on November 8th- I had not heard from him since September 30th, even though he lives two doors away. We have spent the past four days together and things were pretty good, but he blew me off today. He is moving tomorrow. I am so upset, so tired, so lost. so shattered I can’t tell you the dark places I have been. i can’t believe he would blow me off on his last night. He has told me that I can come to visit and he will come visit me but I know that it will be totally one-sided. If I can even get a hold of him.
    So here I am at 4 am writing this because no one else understands how hard it is to end a relationship with a sociopath, except for people who have gone through it themselves.

    I know the relationship is toxic BUT it is still the best relationship I have ever had. I know, sad. I am still in the middle of this mess and can’t find my way out yet but I do take heart from the stories of others. It helps.

    1. Hi, I know that while you are in the relationship, you can feel that you are in one where it is ok. This is because they work hard at brainwashing you. Being constantly accused of things you haven’t done, is deliberate. It is controlling. I know that for over a year, perhaps 18 months after the split, I had to work on that. I didn’t realise how bad it was until I got out.

    2. It is November 20th and I just want to update my status. When I wrote the above letter my SP had just reconnected with me after a six week Silent Treatment. He contacted me on a Tuesday and was supposed to be moving to Vancouver the next day. He supposedly had the movers booked for the afternoon, but decided to cancel them and leave his furniture here until his suite sells. He told me he would drive up on the weekends. He decided to leave for Vancouver on Sunday, so we spent Tuesday to Friday with me. During that time we had sex several times, went out for dinner and to a couple local hang-outs, he offered to take care of my bills (as I lost my job two months ago and I have permanent work but have not had steady paycheques yet), we watched TV and cuddled until 4 am three out of four of the nights, he gave me half of his plants, he gave me his pajamas because he likes the thought of me wearing them. The day before he was supposed to leave I didn’t hear a single word- he totally blew me off and I was devastated. I didn’t know if he was planning to say good-bye or just leave.
      So here is what happened: he came over Sunday afternoon and said “do you have a bag packed?” I said yes and he said “meet me at the car”. I packed very quickly and met him at his vehicle. He took me to Vancouver with him- I found him a place to live along the way and we arrived there at about 6. The place was really nice and a great price for Vancouver- my boyfriend had told the owner that we were a couple, but that I had not found work in Vancouver yet so would be commuting between our home and Vancouver until I found work.
      We went for dinner and then came “home”. That night, as we were laying in bed, he said “now the landlord is going to wonder what’s going on when I bring other girls home”.
      I felt sick, literally. I had been stressed out to the point of seriously contemplating suicide for the past 6 weeks and this comment really, really hurt.
      Stupid, stupid me. I could not believe that he got back in touch with me, and I am embarrassed to say that I was so happy when he brought me to Vancouver. I thought maybe he had been thinking about how awesome things were when we were together and he had realized that he needed to re-establish our relationship because he needed me in his life.
      We slept. He started his new job the next day- woke early and had sex before he left. I met him after his work day ended and we went for dinner and to a movie. He drove me to the airport the next day- he insisted on paying for my flight. I had to leave as I worked that night or I would have stayed longer. I was so worried- I had NO idea what would happen now. Were we still seeing each other? Did he still want me to move to Vancouver, like we had planned before the Silent Treatment happened?

      On the way to the airport and against my better judgement I dared to ask him if we would see each other again. He just laughed. I asked again, and said I really needed to know as I needed to be able to make plans accordingly. He laughed again. I felt so sick… I had to make him pull the car over. After he said that I could come and visit him any time. He dropped me off at the airport and headed off to work and I flew home. When I left he did not have a cell phone yet as he was getting one with his new job so we had been contacting each other via email, which is a real pain unless you are near a WiFi spot. When I asked him to text me later so I would have his new number he just laughed. I said “am I not allowed to text you anymore?” and he laughed.

      On Monday, my boyfriend had mentioned how worried he was that the plants he had left behind in his suite would die. He waters every 4 days and has had some of the larger plants for many years. I offered to water them for him and he said “sure”. He wouldn’t give me a key (in the three years we have been together he NEVER let me have a key, though he had mine. He is really, really paranoid about anyone , but I said that I could get someone from the strata council to let me in- no problem. As I was flying home, he texted one of the women on the strata council and told her not to let “ANYONE other than his real estate agent or a prospective buyer in to his suite.

      I was stunned. We have been going out for almost three years and he doesn’t trust me to be in his suite. His belongings are all boxed and taped. What does he think I would do?? For some reason, this really hit me hard. I have been very upset all over again- I should have expected nothing less than BS from him but I had so hoped…
      He still has not sent me his number or texted me, so I guess I am not allowed to contact him via any other method save email. I have, however, had many email from him.

      Control. When and how I can reach him? On his own terms or not at all. Complete control.

      I don’t even know if we are still a couple, as stupid as that sounds. I know it does not appear to be so but he has done the Silent Treatment thing on me many times and it has not affected our status. I knew he was going to go to Vancouver- we had planned this move together and were BOTH supposed to be going. He even brought it up a few days ago. He told me not to worry, that it is only a 3 1/2 hour drive from here to Vancouver. He bought expensive snow tires that he does NOT need in Vancouver so that he can drive the mountain passes to come back here.

      So WHY WHY WHY would he reconnect with me just before he left- if he didn’t want me in his life? Why bring me back just before moving away forever? Why bring me down to the city with him? If he wanted to toy with me he could have ended things after our four days together- that would have been cruel and hurtful enough. He did not need to bring me to the city. He could have just left. Why complain that his plants will die and then text the neighbour and tell her to not let “anyone” in (meaning ME. The evil plant-waterer).

      1. Because he realized he had condemning evidence in his condo that, if you were like him, you could nose through and turn up his secrets. You’re not doing anything wrong. He isn’t on the same page as you though. He’s reckless with your relationship and has established you will all but do backflips not to disappoint him, even when his own behavior is way out of line. You need to start taking care of yourself. His distractions cost you a job you were previously excelling at. He is so not good for you and only you can care more about this. He is not going to. Please, show up for yourself.

  11. This describes the one I know to a T. Wow- I somehow doubted that he was really jealous, it always appeared to me as if he was exerting some strange control tactic (it oftentimes worked). He also accused me writing with other men via FB even though I never did that.

  12. So I said somewhere else that I realized that I was a sociopath (in the budding stages) because of this blog, and this article in particular. names have been changed for reasons of privacy

    I once had a friend named Deryk, we met in 5th grade and quickly became amazing friends. We grew up, becoming closer, doing things together, introducing each other to the others friends, and so on. He even dated my sister at one point (which was incredibly awkward). This went on very well until he became romantically interested in a girl, who we’ll call “Emily”. She quickly became integrated into all of our “friendship rituals”, such as playing games together and hanging out. I became extremely resentful of this, and so I became extremely resentful of her. During our game sessions, we had a series of arguments, escalating past the point where her mother no longer let me in her house, until one day we fought, and she accused me of being a terrible friend, among other things, and my mask slipped. Deryk had never seen me like this, He had never seen me this angry before, and I think it scared him. we parted in silence, and we haven’t talked to each other since.

    my mask slipped this once, and it cracked because of it…
    it’s cracked still, nearly a year later

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