Confusion and bewilderment of the victim


When you come out of a relationship with a sociopath. You are left feeling confused. Bewildered. You are trapped by the illusion of the perfect man you first met. The kind caring man, the one who swept you off your feet. The one who appeared to be your soul mate. Who had so much to offer. But in reality, gave so little. You are instead left with a stack of false promises, and empty dreams that came to nothing.

And now you are left feeling drained. Perhaps you have a longing to go back to the honeymoon period? How he was in the early stages. You need to realise that this will never happen. It can’t happen. Why? Because he wasn’t being true, he wasn’t being honest. He was simply being a mirror image of you.

If you were to take him back, he would only repeat the same behaviour again. This time gaining more glee from duping you twice.  So, going back is not an option. No matter how rose coloured those early days were, and no matter how many empty promises he gave you, that things would one day improve.

He has walked right into your life, taken what he wanted and needed for himself, and then when the source of supply was running out, when you are left absolutely drained and he knows that there is no more to gain from you. He disappears.

You are left feeling stunned, bewildered and confused. You try to reach out to him, to talk to him, beg him to speak to you. But you are treated even worse, and feeling even worse. He blanks your calls, switches off his phone, rants at you on the phone, talks over you, has no interests in your needs or wishes, and when he has finished ranting, he puts the phone down on you, and cuts you dead.

You are stunned. Confused. How did this happen? In the blink of an eye, the mask slipped and you saw a different man. What you actually witnessed, was the real man. He couldn’t keep up pretence any more. And now he has moved on. I know that this sounds harsh. But it is the harsh reality of being in a relationship with a sociopath.

He moves in cycles, and if you returned, he would have less respect for you, and the cycle would complete even sooner than the original time.

Remember the cycle

  • Assessment
  • Seducing
  • Gaming
  • Ruining

The reason for this is

  • The victim is no longer blind, and won’t believe the lies
  • The sociopath will have less respect for the victim
  • So therefore, the sociopath won’t be able to seduce, and the victim will never again see him as the man of her dreams

The only outcome would be further loss.

Once the relationship has ended, the sociopath almost always moves on to another source for supply. A new target, a new victim. A sociopath finds it difficult to be on his own. He will always find someone else to scam, someone to freeload from, someone to live off. If it’s not you, it will be someone else.

The reason that you feel so confused, is because you have been manipulated, deceived and lied to.

What you saw, was not reality. You only saw the front end screen. Think of the wizard of oz, and the disappointment of Dorothy  as she pulls back the curtain and sees the real true wizard. This is what it is like discovering the truth, that the man of your dreams was in fact a liar, a con man, and hiding behind a big curtain of lies.

Confusion is never a permanent state of mind. Confusion will force you to seek understanding, to gain answers and the truth will set you free. You will still doubt, and tell yourself, that ‘he cant be’. The truth is so hard to accept. You were ripped off and conned.

Its also embarrassing. The sociopath banks on this. How you will not want to talk to your friends about how you were treated. Find an online support forum for victims of sociopaths, the people there will help you, and you can be open and honest about what you are going through.

It is likely that the sociopath called you crazy, gaslighting you (which I will write about later). You are not.  But it is hard to reach out for help, when you have been effectively emotionally abused.

It is not because you are stupid. It is because you have been conned by a magician, a con artist. The truth is that you are not experienced at assessing con artists, and they are expert liars. A sociopath is such an effective liar, that they could pass lie detector tests.

You are left feeling confused and bewildered, because your mind has been played with.  You have been manipulated and deceived. He did this by effectively mirroring you, by telling outrageous lies, and going to extraordinary lengths to cover those lies. The longer that you are in this relationship, and the longer that you are deceived, the worse the confusion and bewilderment is. You are left wondering what is real.

Of course, he doesn’t just leave. You are very lucky if he does a vanishing act and you never hear from him again, because the final part of the journey with the sociopath is ruining. If he hasn’t ruined you enough already, he will do so when he has left, and he is really done with you, by conducting a smear campaign against you to discredit you.

Coming out of confusion

  • Remember nobody stays in a confused state forever
  • Learn all that you can to understand what has happened to you
  • Re-connect with things in your life that you can TRUST and that is real (old friends, family, people from your past before you met the sociopath)
  • Talk to others who have been through the same thing, it will help you to make sense of the nonsensical, that people in your real world might struggle to understand
  • Realise that this is a mental disorder, that cannot change
  • It is no reflection of you
  • Allow yourself time to heal, and be realistic with your recovery. You will experience the five stages of grief, as you were not in  the relationship with the person that you thought you were
  • Focus your energy on what you CAN change!! YOU
  • The more that you learn, the more that you understand, the less confused you will feel
  • The fog of confusion will not last forever, its natural to want answers, realise that you won’t get those answers from the sociopath, but you can get answers elsewhere, like on this blog and other resources online
  • Establish No contact! This means blocking calls, texts, and social networking sites. You need time alone to gather your thoughts, to gain strength, and to come out of the confusion!

Copyright 2013

92 thoughts on “Confusion and bewilderment of the victim”

  1. Thanks for this I have been following this and it works. I have a question? I married a sociopath and since the divorce I have been through emotional turmoil but overall I am happy. I have re-learned things I love again and every day I wake up with a smile of just knowing its MY day without the abuse I suffered for too many years. He took almost everything from me financially and emotionally and I fell for everything and gave him everything as I did not want to fight and I wanted him out of my life as quickly as I could manage and legally it meant to give him money I did not think he would fall for it, but I played into the game and left in shock and horror at the extent he would go to. Financially I am ruined but I gained my old friends and family back which have given me more support than I could ever have wished for. I have had to change myself, where normally I would not speak I now speak, where normally I would behave a certain way I have to think about it and change my behaviour even if its just slightly so I am not as predictable to him, as he is keeping track of me. I have a restraining order against him and now his entire family, which does not work by the way as its tedious and he finds ways around it. I have given up all friends and contacts that know me and him so I am removed from his cycle of gaslighting me and he has been super cruel there. However he is out to get me one last time (I always think its the last time and then he is back again 3 months later) and he caught me on my back foot again just as I am starting to rebuild my life. I know what he is doing, my family is of the opinion that I must relent, that he is so unstable and they fear for my safety. I have a nest egg and though he said he would not go for it, he is aggressively pursuing it and legally he found a loophole to get to it. Do I relent with full knowledge he will be back 3 months time with the next thing or do I make a stand? I just want to be on my front foot with him.

    1. Hello Helga. It’s nice to meet you. No. You make a stand. Do not give this man anymore of your money. Stick to the law, you have a restraining order against it, if he breaks that call the police.

      Record everything and keep evidence. He is ruling you through fear. You give again, and it will be something else. They are relentless, and will pursue you until you break.

      I am really pleased to hear that you have got friends and family on side, who are helping you. They will be your support. Talk to those who you trust. Do not have contact with this man, and use the law against him to enforce it. Stay firm and try to be strong. The sociopath exploits weaknesses. DO not give him anymore of your money – break free. You owe him nothing. In fact he should be paying YOU not the other way around.

      Don’t let him bully you. Remember that the sociopath will do anything for control. Use your friends and family to support you. And the law to stop him from harassing you.

      It sounds like he is breaching the restraining order by continuing to contact you. Report him. Sociopaths hate to lose control. You have lost enough NOW is the time to stand up be strong and focus on YOU and your life.

      This man is a parasite.. NOthing more. He is weak. That is why he bullies and controls you.

      1. Thanks for this. Funnily enough my one friend said the very same thing after I posted this, she wants me to sue him for damages. She made me laugh today as she wants me to go on a date she thinks it would be good for my self esteem I told her I do not want to date as I am fearful of men; her response was the following: “Honestly you cannot be scared of men you have no experience currently your score is Phycopath=1 Men=0” it did put it into perspective, as I do have male friends and I do not fear them, I laugh a lot lately it feels really good to laugh again, I am so grateful for every day I have to learn, laugh and live. You are right though and I know if I relent he will just be back again with something else.

      2. I can honestly say this is true. Whatever you give it will never be enough.

        You want to cut connection with him. Its over. Finished. So, therefore your money is your own.

        I would be wary of dating though until you are healed. (read my post in healing and recovery) how to reduce the risk of meeting another ….

        It is important to focus on you. To be strong. When you are, you will look back and think wow, I cannot believe how far I have come.

        Please make a promise to yourself. Nothing he will not get one more penny.

        Let him have his dramas, his tantrums, let him threaten you, try to dominate you, control you. Just keep walking away…. on your own pathway. Make yourself strong for you!! 🙂

    2. Oh, my god, you are telling my story. i didn;t realize that this was real. this is very new to me , even though everyone else in my life seemed to get it first but, doesn,t get what I am, experienceing now, this is confusing Mentally, emotionally and spriitually. . How can someone get away with taking everything about you away?

      1. They can’t. You will always have you. No matter what illusions the person places in front of you or you to yourself, you are there (here) inside of you.

  2. Cool will do, I will read your article thanks, I have been told to be cautious of this. I am not ready to date at all yet, I need a lot more time to heal as I am pretty messed still so no dating for me till I am 100% back and he has no more power to affect my emotions.

  3. I have bookmarked this page. I am on day 2 now. I don’t even know what to think about all day. Had a cry last night bit only because I miss my dream future and I really really miss the old me. I miss her I was such a confident woman and nice boys always like me. What am I going to daydream about today? So sick of ruminating!!!

    1. Feeling stupid- read as much as you can I have just passed month one. Some days I have struggled to get out of bed. I was also confident and had the world at my feet. Everyday I arm myself with knowledge. Read other stories. Lovefraud is a biography of a women that was with a sociopath. It all seems so real but, he picked you because you were warm hearted and he just mimicked your emotions. They are beyond charming. Another good book is The Sociopath Next Door. The ruminating sucks but, read about anti social behavior and empower yourself. I go to therapy. I have a girlfriend that also had a sociopath in her life and is now free and in love again. Take care and don’t isolate yourself. Believe in the power of sisterhood and family. You will make it.

  4. Omg I have been trawling the Internet to get this answer!!!
    I have spent four years with a lying, cheating man who I think from reading this is sociopath.
    I feel so lost and sad like the last four years have been wasted.
    I don’t know how to get him out of my head

    1. Hi Tracey. If this person is constantly in your thoughts this is not healthy for you. Try posting here, there are a lot of people here who understand how you feel. We have all been there. this is no reflection on you. Sociopaths are compulsive pathological liars, cheaters, deceptive and manipulative. They lure you in with a mask of perfection and behind your back plot and scheme for their own ends and their own selfish needs – never thinking how this will affect you.Take one day at a time it does get better – I promise!

      1. So true…I have just come out of a 7 yr relationship with a sociopath..I was and still am so destroyed in so many ways..I am still in shock and ask myself..HOW.did this happen to me..WlHY did this happen..What did I do wrong…I have been through almost ALL the stories I have just read here ..including 1 yr of harrowing psycotherapy whilst I was still with him (deep “gaslighting”) I still I the one who is twisted…for entertaining the idea that he is a sociopath..if it was not for the fact that I discovered,,his son had been diagnosed with I seeing this the right way…seems the universe is screaming the obviouse yet I am in such shock and still finding it hard to believe..

      2. Hi Angel, you did nothing wrong. It is not wrong to love with all of your heart. It is not wrong to give your all to someone and to hope that they will treat you with equal respect. You didn’t ask to be lied to, or abused.

        How you are feeling right now, is very common. Every person struggles to accept the truth in the beginning, your brain feels in a fog. I am unsure if he discarded you – so the first paragraph might not be relevant. But does this post help you at all? welcome to the site.

      3. It will get better!!!! I promise….I lost everything in my relationship with a sociopath… Money,family,friends and nearly my job!!!!!! Evil,nasty,lying and manipulative con artists!!! Never have I seen anything like it in my life!!!! Leave and have no contact…get counselling and talk,talk talk to friends xxxxxxx

  5. Thank you , I will.
    He texted me last night and after reading this I didn’t reply.
    Unfortunately no contact isn’t completely possible but I will do all I can to minimise it.
    Even that small act of not replying made me feel like I had got some power back.
    I am trying to come to terms with being so stupid to stick around once I started to realise the true him I think. I feel like I deserve this for allowing it when I knew he wasn’t a moral or kind man quite early on, probably within the first year.
    I’m still at the stage where I think he might change, reading all this for hours last night I know he won’t but I need to get to the place where I believe that so I will definitely be back, thank you all in advance for sharing and putting up with me.

    1. Hey tray. It is a process…. albeit a slow one. They will eventually get the message. They thrive on controlling, playing games. the only way to move forward is to stop playing the game. Establish and stick with No Contact.

      You will see posts in the healing and recovery stage – which explain about No Contact – and also what to do when you are struggling with this.

      He WON’T change. But it can sometimes take a while for your heart to catch up with what your head already knows!!!

      Welcome to the site 🙂

  6. sorry, me again.

    Can I ask, now I have stopped engaging with him is there a pattern of what I might expect next.
    Will he disappear? or do I need to be ready for something else?

    1. Hi Tracey, it really depends on what he is doing right now. If he has a new source of supply, if he feels that you have something that he wants (that he feels entitled to from you) and if he feels that he has destroyed you.

      Often there is a period of silence and then they reappear. This can again go two ways. They will then either attempt to manipulate you through

      Love (by trying to re-seduce you)
      Fear (by threatening you)

      They can alternate between the two – whatever they love to win. So if you have chosen to leave and they didn’t want this, they could set out to destroy you by the above (if it was seducing through love – they could do that then dump you – so they had control ending it) or through fear, lies ruining campaigns threats and intimidation – so that if they cant have you nobody else can either)

      Equally he might go away quietly – but this is not usual.

  7. The thing I was fearing the most has happened two days ago. I received this dreaded email saying he wants to say our final goodbye face to face. WTF!?? Have not seen him in 2 and a half months. On Aug.22 I officially broke up with him via text to wich he responded nasty, like he was the victim.
    He wanted me to know that he was leaving the Country. After thinking for a good 3houres I send back an email asking why he felt the need to share that with me and that I no longer cared were he goes or what he does and that my concern was ONLY for myself these days and that he is no longer a part of me. I also asked what it would accomplish if we said goodbye in person. The whole thing is probably another lie. Who knows? His reply came rather quickly it just said GOODBYE.
    Last year on St.Patricks Day I suffered a heart attack during one of his silent treatments only I did not know at that time what it meant. It was long before I knew anything about Sociopathic behavior . Anyways, I spend 4days in the cardiac intensive care unit and they almost lost me. After 4days I was reluctantly released . Things did not change after that.
    I fell asleep on the sofa and when I woke up he was gone. I could not believe it . I frantically called him on his cellphone but it went straight to voicemail . My heart
    was pounding in my chest. WHERE IS HE???????
    Later it turned out that he took the opportunity, since I was resting, to bring Cigaretts and Rasorblades to some old prison body , who now resided in a nursing home. MADNESS !
    Please catch me I’m falling as my head is spinning and my heart is pounding once again.

    1. Is there a part of you that wants that goodbye, face to face? Are you still thinking that maybe he does care after all?
      If so I totally get that.
      But if we believe what we read on here the answer is simple, don’t go, find someone else to talk to and know you are the sane one even though it may not feel like it, I for one think I am quite crazy!!
      I’m sorry for your pain, it’s awful xx

      1. Hi , Traybray
        Yes, I guess there is a part of me that still wants to see him, that hopes against all odds that he is not a Sociopath .
        This constant conflict between my head and my heart is tormenting me all of the time. I do believe what is written here to be the truth, I just don’t find it to be that easy to do.
        My Councellor yesterday said the same thing you did , that secretly I’m hoping to hear from him and since I’m not a lier, I agree. It isn’t easy to admit and it makes me feel pathetic like I’m a glutton for punishment .
        It takes about all that I have not to act on my feelings ( and I won’t ) but it is so difficult .
        Thanks for sharing your thoughts

      2. Hi, Traybray
        Thanks for giving me your thoughts on this.
        Yes, I guess there is still a part of me that wants to see him und that hopes against all odds that he is not a Sociopath. This constant conflict between my head and my heart is tormenting me all of the time.
        I do believe what is written here to be the truth, I just don’t find it to be that easy to do .
        My Therapist yesterday said the same thing you said, that secretly I’m waiting to hear from him again and since I’m not a liar I agree. What makes it worse is the realization that he is out there not feeling anything at all. It makes me wonder who is better of.
        All of this is not easy to admit and it makes me feel pathetic like I’m a glutton for more punishment . It takes just about all that I have NOT to act on my feelings . Be assured that I won’t because I still have some pride left in me. Thanks for your input.
        Good Luck

  8. Hey ladybug
    The reason I asked the question is because that’s how I feel too!!
    He is a despicable man who has shown me no love or respect for a long time but all those words about how this, that and the other was my fault have stuck.
    My heart still skips when I get a message from him and I feel terrible at not replying because the thought of never seeing him again is horrible to me just now.
    I am trying to be strong, mainly because I have one particular friend who has been through this and she would kick my ass if I caved in but it is really, really hard.
    I guess the time we are being a glutton for punishment is when we do go back for more, my theory is this:
    I am wondering “am I wrong?” But the fact he did anything bad enough to even make me trawl the Internet looking for answers or that I found this website and several hundred light bulbs went on means that despite my doubts I am probably right, he is a sociopath and therefore the only healthy choice is to stay strong and stay away!!!
    Hug to you ladybug, if you do cave don’t be afraid to come back for support, if anyone judges you, I’ll kick their ass!!

    1. Hi Traybray
      I thank GOD so much for this Site were we can share our stories and feelings. It means so much. We all come here sooner or later as strangers and end up as friends because we share the same traumatic experience that has left us so confused and broken.
      As I read your lines, I see you feel pretty much the way I do at this point. Knowing there is someone out there who shares my feelings makes me feel less crazy.
      As we are trying to recover and thinking that we are getting stronger, after months go by, there comes another email again sending us back to the spin cycle and destroys everything we worked on.
      I find the unpredictability of these people so unnerving .
      Mine would never pick up the phone to call me and ask for forgiveness or please let’s try one more time nor would he beg . He was never wrong in 3years. Everything was always my fault according to him and that made him the victim.
      Never before have I acted this way in that I don’t call him ( like I used to) or email him like I used to just to make sure he was alright because he has a serious heart condition. Up until now he has not seen this side of me.
      A thought came to my mind. I had officially broken up with him on Aug. 22 via email. His EGO must have gotten bruised after all , who am I to break up with him , being that I’m his property an all.
      So he let another 3weeks go by before sending me the email telling me about his plan to leave the Country and that he just wished our final goodbye would be in person. My thinking on this, if I were to agree ( wich I don’t ) that he would try to reel me back in once again and then at a time when I least expected, to break up with me so his EGO would be restored. I appreciate any thoughts on that.
      Thanks !
      Traybray , U are in my thoughts and in my heart. Lets be strong together .

    2. I can SO relate to all of this. I was with mine on and off for the past 9 1/2 years. We were married for 4 and have been divorced for 4 1/2. I still love him, yet I hate him. I have failed at no contact twice. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and believe his I’m sorrys and I love yous and took him back. He lied to me and cheated on me again…only WORSE the second time. To this day he STILL tries to get me back, wants to be “friends”, try again at a relationship, etc. I just got off the phone with him a few minutes ago. He wanted to go to dinner with me. I said no even though I am feeling SO lonely and empty tonight. I knew it was the last thing I needed, to see him. I told him everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie. I told him I did not trust him and I wanted no relationship with him at all. He said he would leave me alone……I doubt he will. He never does. I know I did the right thing, so why do I feel so lousy? I immediately wanted to call him back. I feel pathetic too, and stupid and I know that I am not. I used to be such a strong, independent woman. Now I am a wreck and I doubt absolutely everything about myself, even my own thoughts! This has been a nightmare. I still struggle with all of the emotions of love and hate and disbelief. I realize a “normal” person would actually want to talk about things, work things out in a normal way. They would actually be hurt by my comment about lies. He just said “ok”. Because he KNOWS I am telling the truth and see him for what he really is. It still breaks my heart and some days I struggle even to get out of bed and go to work and trying to live a normal life is exhausting. Sometimes, I just feel like giving up. I am SO glad I found this site. I have been reading and re-reading just to keep myself strong.

      1. Hey Julie, you know I think that he can give you what you want (company and an end to the pain) but not what you need (a happy healthy relationship, with someone who is open and honest).

      2. Wow, your story mimics mine very closely. I am married but living separately from him right now. He’s pretty much dropped daily contact with me and as soon as I DO see a text from him, my heart flutters as I still love him. I am so torn inside because as the songs says, ” I know what’s good for me, but I want you instead” it’s awful. I cry myself to sleep and can barely breath some days.

    3. Hey .. I’ve caved a few times… I’m actually in the middle of caving, yet again. This will be the 3rd time in 2 years. I was with him for 3.5yrs.. and without him the past 1.5 yrs. Yup, 5 years of emotional and mental torture… But my heart just can’t let go. He’s charming and I WANT TO believe him this time. I want to believe that he’s come to his senses and doesn’t want to lose me forever bc he’s sick and can’t help himself. I told him 2 weeks ago (first time seeing him in over a year) that I’ve forgiven his bad behavior because I know he just can’t help himself and that he’s just not capable of anything else. (shrug) I pray that one day I will be able to let go and enjoy my life again. I’ve lost major parts of myself that just don’t feel natural anymore. Sad? Yeah. I’ve met a wonderful man that treats me completely opposite.. like a princess! It’s been 4 months, yet he does not make my heart sing, like the devil does.
      I shake my head at myself and think, “that’s WRONG with me???” 😦

      1. Hi Brenda, what is wrong with you is that you have been brainwashed and conditioned, reprogrammed if you will, to think that you cannot live without him. He knows how to press your ‘happy’ buttons. The key is to return back to where you were BEFORE him. I know, 5 years is a long time, 5 years of abuse is a long time. He won’t change. He cannot change. Yes he might charismatic and charming, but behind that silver tongue is a liar, that will stab you in the back as soon as he can. It won’t get better, the longer you are with him, the more losses you face.

      2. Your comment “make my heart sing” struck a chord in me. Is it possible to ever recapture that feeling? I am very depressed as I start NC for a third time.

  9. This morning I want to talk to him, badly!!
    It’s hard to stick to the rules sometimes
    He will be delighted if I call him though, not because he wants to talk to me but because it gives him power!!!
    Must not call
    Must not call

    1. I just started NC for third time. It is so hard not to respond when I receive a message. But, don’t call. Don’t call!

  10. I really don’t know Hun
    That might be his plan
    However it goes if you do see him I think we both know it won’t end well!!

    Stay strong for me, inspire me and I’ll do the same for you and if either of us cave in at least we know there is some one out there who understands why it is so hard!!!!
    I’m not a sadist and he has had enough of my life, love, money and time so I’m going to resist the urge to talk to him (today!!)

    Hug xx

    Ps if you notice my user name change, it’s less detectable but doesn’t appear to have changed so maybe I did something wrong

  11. If this reply comes twice, I’m trying to change my user name and keep fucking it up a bit!!!
    I don’t know what his plan is Hun but I think we both know whatever happens wont be good or lead to a happy ending.
    Mine has just sent a message saying where he is planning on moving to etc, I’m sending brief, polite replies as am still hoping I might get some money back!!!!
    One thing is for sure though I’m never going back for more abuse no matter how hard it is, and it is

    Hug xx

    1. Hey Mamabear
      Upon reading your story on another site (My story , tell me your story ; for some reason I can’t get on to it anymore ) I think he is a Spciopath. Many of the characteristics fit the profile .
      I’m also new at this and so relieved to have found this site to get answers. As you go on reading , a lot will become much clearer.
      Please don’t beat yourself up about him being married . It happened and you can’t change it anymore . Move on from here and lern as much as you can because knowledge is power and the truth will set you free as POSITIVAGIRL always says. All of us have been ( and most of us still are) there and know the confusion and the pain that u’re in. We all understand!
      My story is also more tame than most but not any less painful.
      He never took anything from me and he never physically or verbally abused me . He did however have a criminal record and it’s a biggy . Attempted murder on his x wife some 20years ago. He spend 13years in prison and is still on parole going into the 9th year. He also purchased a lot of things for me. I to fell very hard because I loved him so much . Every cell in my body screams for him. To finally realize that it was all a LIE is so devastating. It does not want to sink in. I guess it takes time.
      As for the dispicable things he is capable of and you’re not knowing if it’s because of yourself or him – honey I can assure you it is not because of you !
      You’re in a good place here . I know I find great comfort here and so will you . Do it at your own pace and if you fall we pic you up . No one here wil judge you.
      Sending u lots of Bearhugs

      1. Thank you so much, your kind words help.
        I’m a bit sick of it all tbh, I just want to stop thinking about him but its really hard!!!!
        This site helps allot though.
        Thank you again, hug xx

  12. Something has happened, a light bulb has gone on, maybe it’s reading this site over and over but I have woken up this morning knowing, really knowing he didn’t ever actually love me. One incident has popped into my brain, he was away “working” (he wasn’t he was away shagging) I’d text him to tell him what an awful day I had, then for one reason or another we couldn’t speak on the phone ( OW probably!!) and next day he had completely forgotten my bad day. Small incident but it has made me remember how he never seemed to care about me or my day etc etc. that’s not love is it? I’m reasonably smart, I work in a caring profession, and yet I have been a complete dumbass where this charmer is concerned.
    This lightbulb moment is going to make no contact so much easier, he’s not contacting me because he cares about me, he never did when we were together, why would he now, I am forced to accept the game continues and that helps, really helps.
    It took me a week of reading this site to block him on social media, my head believed you, my heart has taken a while to catch up. I don’t want to go completely NC as I am still living in the deluded hope I might get my money back but I did well yesterday and didn’t reply and today will be easier.
    Now I need to work on the loving myself bit, I need to learn to enjoy my own company, I’m finding that really hard but now know (thanks to you guys) I am incredibly vulnerable to another one while I feel the “need” for that love and company…I’m listening to you and my heart is finally getting there, thank God for that, and for you.

    Might just do a little happy dance xxx

    1. Hi Mama bear,
      No it isn’t love, it never was ! They are not capable of feeling love ; remember ? It was all a game!
      Please don’t jump into another relationship at this point and give yourself time to heal and understand what happened to you. It takes time.
      I just got this Book “Puzzling People”
      by Thomas Sheridan and it’s fascinating , can’t put it down.
      Please don’t hurt yourself any more!!!
      Stay strong and think!!! Don’t tell him you’re suffering because of him , it wil only make him happy !
      Hug u Mama bear

  13. All I read about are male sociopaths.Met and dated a coworker beautiful female.Broke a lifetime of not dating coworkers she seemed so alive we exchanged phone numbers after a month of exchanging eye contact.She txt me 12 times in 30 minutes first date she wanted sex came after me like she was shot out of a cannon..I refused. Red flag .Fourth date sex and it was crazy girl sex things a normal girl wouldn’t bothered me she said I’m glad you don’t have hangups like some people.When I asked about her marriage he was abusive and it was his fault for the divorce and her of a against him.I found out she cheated on him she then had numerous relationships with men and women all ended and she just dropped of the face of the earth,they never heard from or could contact her.I found out she slept with 17 of the 70 people I work with,before asking her out I reached out to 22 employees they all said she is such a nice girl,after the breakup. It was she’s crazy dude she was sleeping with 2 to 3 other people while she was with you.Between the 50texts and 15 phone calls a day I didn’t want to believe she could be doing this,she quit sharing things with me and when my health began to suffer at first after reaching out she resented me in texts.She asked me too keep the relationship quit because she hated work gossip I feel it was because she was afraid what I would here.Employees married who I’m told were sleeping with her at the time quit talking and won’t look at me.After the last time in bed we didn’t have sex because I didn’t trust and resented her couldn’t talk or open up how I felt sick inside.She started to look for reasons to argue and on the last day she screamed I’m not as crazy as everybody says.We didn’t talk for 2days and she ended it because didn’t feel comfortable anymore and that I lied too and manipulated her.I called five days later she said we could talk but she couldn’t play games anymore? For 4 weeks we talked and seemed to be back to normal then after being together all day on a Saturday till 11 pm I couldn’t get all hold of her the next 845pm she texts me everything his not ok and she Neede rest .I go to work the next day and find out she is dating the grossest guy at work a man on his third wife with four kids and no money who she told me she didn’t know he said she came on very strong.I tried texting and calling she deleted me on fb and changed her number even changed and bought a new vehicle.She flaunted this new relationship in front of me until the man was forced to transfer.She has sent birthday cards with th letters cut out of magazines.And the whole time she keeps stalking me at work,then I don’t see her for a week then three or four times a day she shows up stares but won’t wave or talk.Everybody tells me to just move on I can’t breathe I missed her dearly.All I here is how much she is doing and how happy she is she is doing things with him that she wouldn’t do with me when even stalks his third wife who threw him out with him by her side.He tells everyone he is in love and is getting engaged after four months. I bought the book sociopath next store and two weeks later she bought it and it was on her nightstand.Please what am I dealing with I feel totally lost I am 49 she is 44 it seems like ninth grade all over again..Afterthought she used to ask me why I was with her because she wasn’t like anyone I usually dated and an worried that if I found out about her past that I wouldn’t want to be with her. I never played along

    1. Hi Tom, welcome to the site. You should note that with the exception of early posts on this site (as it was my own personal blog) of my own experiences -posts are written gender neutral. You will also see a lot of male victims of both female sociopaths and also male victims of other male sociopaths in the gay community. So you should find other guys here who can absolutely relate to you.

      I am sorry to read your experiences. It must be tough still having to work with her. Whatever she is – she is clearly not good for you. And you do not feel good about yourself having her in your life. I don’t know if she is a sociopath as they are manipulative and deceptive but also charismatic and very charming (unless the relationship is over) – I cannot say what she is – but whatever it is – it is something that is not making you feel too good about you. I understand when people say ‘move on’ why this can be hard – especially when someone places mind games with you. I know you will have to have some contact due to work – but is there any way that you could try to set up no contact – and stick to it….. as much as is possible in a working situation – as this will force you to focus on you and not her (if she is a sociopath she will do ruining and smear campaigns – tell lies about you and try to destroy you) turn your entire world upside down…..

      1. Thank you the smear campaign started 3 months ago I am crazy and won’t quit texting her that’s why she had to change her number and I love her and can’t take that it is over.once her current source was transferred the stalking intensified.I notified the police my H R dept and it is said this is what she always does .When I started with the company I never saw her but once a day after the first date she would pop up 12 times a day in various locations while the attention was nice I work on the road so for her to find me was amazing,she would be there before me.Then on the first day of no contact nothing for 6 weeks then 3 to 5 times a day for the past two months I see her? I have to work with her for the next four years .I have spoken with past boyfriends they all say if she is not in total control she moves on and has no contact ever with anyone so this confuses all of us. It seems whoever she comes in contact with she mirrors them it’s crazy.she has no friends only married friends and never discusses her past but asks you a million questions.I would wake up at night and she would be sitting up staring at me.I have been in therapy for 2 months and have rescuing and co dependency issues not major but last two relationships the same..Some days I feel like I am going insane,I know being with her is not anyway to live but I don’t know what was real and wasn’t she looks like her life is great and I am suffering hugely.Even when I know this won’t last with him and he will be just like I am now I feel no better.

      2. Hey – the signs are there. For sure. how she got to places before you did…. they have an ability to find information like a radar. Often scarily so. I would go careful with the texting her though – as she could (and probably would) use this against you. Would say that you are stalking her (and the phone is her evidence). Sociopaths mirror others –

        As with – you don’t know what was real, and having to grieve the ghost of the person….. you know that the more you learn, the more that you read the clearer everything will become to you. The more that you know – the truth really will set you free. Each day as you practice No contact and do NOT contact her – it WILL force you to focus on you. Each day although in the beginning it is hell and so painful – see this as an ADDICTION and treat it so….. you wouldn’t a heroin addict a fix of heroin to take away the pain – would you? Cold turkey – NO contact – focus on you…. read and read all that you can. So that you can see all that was really happening. The truth will really set you free.

  14. Thank you ,I haven’t had contact with her since June 5 of this year I was replying to her texts she had me believing we were still a couple when she was making sure the other guy was going to date her.We continued to talk an txt I was unaware she was doing this behind my back.and then 24hrs later I no longer existed she walks by me turns her head drives by me and stares straight ahead and flaunted the new guy every chance she had.She hid me at work and on f b but has him plastered everywhere.I have even been parking 500 yards from work at a mall for 3 months.Miss the person I thought she was of course,but actions speak louder than words,insecure she his emotionally undercooked yes nothing ever her fault and charming and beautiful until you quit playing and or paying ..this site has been tremendous.I keep just trying to move forward never have had anything like this happen before no closure..

  15. So this past tuesday as i am walking through my work parking lot I come face to face with the former girlfriend she says Hi Good Morning,I replied Good Morning and kept on walking..These are the first words said to each other since June 1st..It didnt make me feel worse or better..Its like someone I never met..What bothered me after is that she looks better than she has at anytime in her life..My self esteem being what it is,has me believing that she has found the man of her dreams and her life is going great..I have never met an individual like this in my 48 yrs on this planet..The ambuiguity is what bothers me the most..And the emotional rollercoaster ride..I cant even explain..

    1. Hey don’t torture yourself with these thoughts….. (that she looks better, has found the man of her dreams etc) if she is a sociopath – she hasn’t she has found another victim. Also if she looked great this could be to mirror someone else so that she could use that person. Be thankful (as painful as it is) that this person is no longer you…. you are the lucky one!!!

  16. Hello everyone! I am so so overwhelmingly happy to have found this site. I have been involved with someone for five years and a few months, a sociopath. We have very complicated home situations so we are not living together but he has been controlling and manipulating me for years and because I love him I never could just walk away. Every time there was any type of attitude or unhappiness or noncompliance on my part I would get the silent treatment for days on end, no reply to my texts, he wouldn’t pick up my calls. Then when he was ready he would text or call and if I didn’t reply or pickup and accept my punishment he would threaten me, threats that he would show up at my job or house.
    From the beginning he would ask me to buy him things, “lend” him money that I never got back, shop for him, not talk to other men, behave a certain way. All the while, I never received gifts or money, he could talk to whomever he wanted, he was a charmer with girls always around him. We go to the same gym so that is where we see one another and met.
    I have always been accused of lying and having secrets….both of which are lies but he would get so accusatory that he would not speak to me over suspicions of lies. That always made me think he must be lying, but I wanted to believe in him. If he lied about other things, what about his unconditional love he professed? Even as I write this it is hard to imagine that he lied to me about that.
    He has changed so much since the honeymoon phase, so many empty promises that have slipped away. About two weeks ago I caught him lying. It was a meaningless lie, a really stupid thing to lie about but a lie nonetheless. Because I had my suspicions about other lies, this made them all real. If you lie to me about that, it must be a part of who you are. He of course played the victim, told me i’m fucked up for thinking that way about him, and ignored me, his power play. It gets me so crazy that he wont reply to me. Anyway, because of the lie I couldn’t just go back to normal me and I had an attitude which is not allowed with him. So he has been ignoring me for days. I have begged him to talk to me, he wont. All my reaching out has gone unanswered. So last night I couldn’t sleep and I found this site. Thank you!!! Today is day one of me not texting anymore. I copied one of your excerpts into my phone which will be my go to when I wanna text him…it is my empowerment. I will not live like this anymore, feeling so low and mistreated. Thank you for being here…..

  17. This is hard to hear. I feel that labeling someone a sociopath implies he or she knew what he was doing every step of the way, manipulating circumstances…but as sociopaths have very little understanding of self, how can this be? They must not understand what they are doing. I have just broken up with my former fiancé after realizing he is an alcoholic, something he will always deny. He has driven me crazy, gas-lighting me and the like. He fits this description well, and I am devastated by his cruelty, but I cannot believe that this boy (I’ll call him) truly has an understanding of what he was doing or how he really is. He found ways to set me off and make me the crazy one. But I do believed he loved me once…is it possible that it was an elaborate hoax, or are we speaking about ill people who do not understand their own selves? It would be easier to believe it was all manipulation. I would like to, but instead I find myself having a wondering what really happened here. I gave everything, got nothing but cruelty in return. And it’s true, the more I reached out, the crueler he became. Turning off the phone, etc. I was looking for answers…he fits this description to a tee, but i think he was really trying to believe he was different when he met me, that I was good for him, and then he ruined it with cruelty. And I, of course being human, reacted indignantly, with hurt and anger. Being with him turned me into a different person…who is the sociopath then…him, or me?

    1. What makes you think that they have very little understanding of the self Sara? I do not think that they can learn from past mistakes. I do not think that they have a conscience, when enraged – they could do anything (at that moment in time). They know what they are doing. The only thing is that they are

      – Impulsive
      – Live in the now – and not really make long term plans for the future (they say whatever suits to fit ‘now’)
      – Play victim to let you believe that they are the ones that you should feel sorry for
      – Use people for their own gain

      I think the most important thing to remember is this LACK OF CONSCIENCE. This is the most important thing. yes they can be nice – when it suits, and its convenient to them. But if you no longer suited their needs, or stood in the way of something else they wanted – they will push you out of the way. Not feel bad about it. They don’t feel bad about it, as they don’t feel those depths of emotions. Yes, they do know what they are doing – although when acting out of rage it is more impulsive – at that time they are ‘in’ the rage. Like being in the eye of the storm, hurting you is all that they think about.

      YOU ARE NOT THE SOCIOPATH HERE!! …. Firstly, you have empathy. Despite he has hurt you, you are still thinking of him, and making excuses for him, or trying to find a rational explanation why he has done this. The truth is, there is no explanation. It is just the way that they are. There brain thinks differently to a normal persons brain. It can go so say ‘normally’ for a while…. then they relapse …. and back to stage one of the script again. And again. And again….

      They also suffer with boredom, so they deliberately create drama. Any kind of drama. Which will turn your world upside down. Then when it is all over after you have done everything to help them…. they tell lies about you, play the victim, and blame you for everything making you out to the perpetrator (and tell everyone how crazy you are)….

      No I don’t think you are the sociopath here…

    2. What you are describing now…. is normal. We all go through this. It is called the fog of confusion, when you feel confused and dont want it to be true… you look for all kinds of logical answers and reasons. Of course you do, especially if you have invested time, energy, your heart, your emotions, and shared your dreams – having them sold back to you – as your future life …. It can be very hard to let that go. The best way to understand this site – is to start from the beginning last Feb… and work through (you can see backposts on the left hand side)… I am sure that a lot will make sense to you.

      1. Well that’s a relief. I just took a test online to make sure and I really don’t qualify for this kind of personality disorder. I guess I just meant that I simply can’t believe he didn’t have a heart. I felt it. He has one. I’ve seen him cry over a basketball team cheering on a less developmentally abled team member who scored for them. I mean, there is love there. Damaged…by what I know not…but when I held him close, I felt love. I thought I did. Love is complicated. We had so many great times. But his drinking just continued to come between us-something he denies. He fits this description, but you know I’m no saint. When he verbally abused me, I hit him. But then he straddled me and hit me in the face multiple times. I’m a human. I reacted. And the thing is that he was so cruel, I just wanted to hit him! I didn’t know what else to do. I’m 5′ and didn’t do any damage, whereas he gave me deep bruises and messed my jaw up… I take responsibility for what I did, but he did goad me with terrible things and he smirked while he did it. This does seem a little sociopathic to me. I am just simply confused. I’m a loving schoolteacher and mentor…for god’s sake I have a service dog. I’m a kind person at heart and only wanted to give. He called me Princess Pea because i am so sensitive. I liked the name at the time. It fit. I am okay with being sensitive…but the things he did to me are inexcusable and then he would say things like “my parents have never been like that in all the 30 years they’ve been married! I don’t know how to deal with you.” And called me “crazy bitch.” Here’s a good one from him: “I can always stop drinking, but you’ll always be a crazy bitch.” I loved this man with all of my heart. I cared for him, cooked for him, sexed him, took him to beautiful places-including Costa Rica…and he resented every moment. I simply cannot fathom a himan being so cruel.

      2. Hi Sara

        Accusing you of being crazy and you being the psycho (I bet he had an ex who was a psycho too)??? … and how he was the victim?…. is quite normal. Read this post

        Also read this post

        There are so many posts… Have you also looked up ‘narcissistic personality disorder’ or NPD? As sociopaths are usually (to your face) very charismatic and charming – while behind your back they are destroying your name, your life, your finances and anything else they can destroy. To your face, unless they are raging and the mask slips they are very charming and charismatic.

  18. Well shit, I’ve definitely said two of those things to him. Does that make a sociopath? I said “You don’t deserve me” and “you’ll never find someone like me, who loves you this deeply that she would be here for you if you couldn’t walk anymore and needed help” and I said of his drinking “I say these things because I love you.”

    1. Yes, but you said those things because you MEANT them, he said them as manipulation/control tactics. There is a difference.

      Can you change your log in name? I keep changing it each comment. I cant change them everyone, as it is showing your first and surname? 🙂

  19. And actually, he never used other people to put me down. He was always trying his best to elevate me… Until he got drunk. Then all bets were off. That’s why I say I am confused.

  20. In addition to that, I did use other people to get my point across…his parents, my parents, friends… Does this make me a sociopath?

  21. I mean say they’ve noticed you are anti-social or they wouldn’t be proud of you hitting me or speaking to me like that. Or your friends are also alcoholics.

  22. Hi Paula here,
    I have just finally ended my 5 year relationship with my sociopath. I am on day 3!!! I read this site a year ago and even though I knew it was true, I looked for all of the differences to stay in it. We have just had the best 6 months of our relationship……and yet I found out that his fling from last year is his full time girl friend!
    Finally the penny has dropped!!
    A year ago he started to take care of a teenage boy in the neighborhood who had a bad home situation. I thought this was amazing, so kind. I now know that she has 2 teenage boys and he is simply mirroring her!! He is in for the long haul, she has money and connections.
    She orchestrated the outing!! where I exposed him…..I got to be the bad crazy person who left……She gets to begin the real honeymoon period,
    where she is the center of his life……
    As sad and confused as I am, in getting rid of me, she has given me the
    biggest blessing of my life……….
    I see him, I see him……….I have blocked his calls and his texts……My friends are baby sitting me……..
    I am a little scared as his last ex had to take a restraining order out on him, which he suddenly got a lawyer for!! who paid for that! And squashed it. I now know she was doing what she had to do to get away from him…….I break up with him all the time, he always comes back….BUT this time is different……I know it.
    Before him the thing that I most loved about myself was my kindness, I was a confident successful woman……He mirrored my kindness, spirituality, and design ability…….Ahmazing!!!
    I want my beautiful self back…….
    I am sad, truly sad, but I am strong…..
    Thank you for this site.
    I need you all right now.
    I need to know that I am not crazy, or jealous, or a eager…….That is him.
    Thank you.

  23. Two weeks since the last time I’ve seen him. I managed ignoring his message last week…. today he wrote again saying that I was the only good thing for him in life, and that he misses me…even though he discarded me saying that I have character flaws, that I am hell to live with, that we don`t share the same vision and plans and he doesn`t want a future with me…
    I feel guilty because I told him that he’s sick, pathological liar and he should see a therapist. I feel bad having left him like that; they say to leave loved ones with loving words.
    He hasn`t ever recognized his mistakes nor admitted his latest lies. He says only that he regrets that I have bad feelings about him. I cannot find closure.
    I think after all this time I became addicted to his lies too, I miss everything of him, even the bad part.
    Confusion is nothing, I don’t see nothing good in my life, nothing worth of living. I don`t care about my job anymore. My family and friends are thousands miles away. I live in a hotel room again and my health is going downhill.
    Everything makes me feel like I need to be with him.

  24. I have just come out of ten month relationship with an SP! The best of the best. I found out I’m pregnant and it’s his. I’ve decided to terminate due to risk of genes and him in my life. The worst part is I’m 40 and want children but I can’t do it this way! He knows and hasn’t even bothered to email me to see if I’m okay. I know he doesn’t care abd he’s moved on to next victim or three! It still hurts though that someone can be so callous. I find myself obsessing over how in the hell this happened and how it can be true but I know it is! Ugh

  25. I have just come out of ten month relationship with an SP! The best of the best. I found out I’m pregnant and it’s his. I’ve decided to terminate due to risk of genes and him in my life. The worst part is I’m 40 and want children but I can’t do it this way! He knows and hasn’t even bothered to email me to see if I’m okay. I know he doesn’t care abd he’s moved on to next victim or three! It still hurts though that someone can be so callous. I find myself obsessing over how in the hell this happened and how it can be true but I know it is! Ugh

  26. I am hoping you can help me out. I believe I just came out of a relationship with a narcissist or possible sociopath.
    Just wondering if I can get some help or feedback…sorry it’s so long. It’s the only way I felt I could present it best…
    I was at a very down point in my life this past fall and was looking for comraderie or someone to just plain listen to what I was going through (I am married). For whatever reason my husband and I just seemed to stray apart. We were under a lot of stress at home from adding our newly adopted daughter to our family.
    I met someone through our soccer club. He happened to be the president and we seemed to really get along and he “got me”. One of the red flags that I didn’t really pay much attention to was when he said to me “I wouldn’t even be out with you right now if you weren’t good looking.” He paid a lot of attention to me. We talked many many times. He showered me with compliments told me I didn’t need to be on medication (which I was at the time for anxiety and depression) that I didn’t need counselors to figure out my problems. He always wanted to see me, pressured me to do so although he said he was trying not to but did it anyways. If I needed to talk to talk to him to try and end things he would tell me that he didn’t really want to talk on the phone that he needed to see me in person that way he could “see my emotions and support you in that.”
    I remember two times where he stared at me strangely. It was like he was looking right through me. I thought at first, “wow, that was intense” but now when I look back I am kind of creeped out by it.
    Throughout the relationship he would tell me he didn’t feel guilty about what we were doing (he was married too) because he was happy. There was only one or two times that he expressed guilt (not even sure now if he was telling the truth), never remorse for what he was doing. When I tried to tell him again that we couldn’t continue and I wrote him an email (with my husband’s knowledge) he shot back accusing me of things, talking very highly of himself, critical of me….he later tells me that he wrote that knowing my husband would read it, as I had already suspected. But then he ends the email with a supportive comment like “anyways (name), I feel your pain, it is shooting right through me.” I am left confused and wondering what is going on.
    Things are quiet for a while but he shows up to many of my sons’ games at one point saying it was because of his job. We reconnected this past spring and things go hard pretty fast. One of the things he did that has me really questioning things is this…he showed up at my place of work (I am an educational assistant in a Catholic elementary school) disguised as a courier with a baseball cap and sunglasses on and dropped off a package for me at the office even having the secretary sign for it on his phone. When I thanked him for the gift he said, “Don’t thank me too much I got something out of it too, it was a rush, I told you I was risky.”
    He would meet up with me at any time. He said he would always make himself available for me. He wanted me to leave my husband, he said he would drop everything for me, he would tell me that he would “take my lead”. He left the onus on me in other words, I had to make the decisions. When I made a decision he would follow. I think he did this because it took the responsibility off of him.
    Things escalated one night when he bought me a lot of wine at the bar and drove me home but pulled over to the side of the road and things escalated, he asked me if I wanted to make love to which I responded, “No”.
    I had a panic attack that night after getting home realizing the seriousness of the situation. I told my husband and he confronted him on the phone the next day telling the other man what my state of mind was like. How I suffer after seeing him, telling him how distraught I was. There was no concern from the other man, he just said to my husband “she’s not like that when she is with me.” There were no apolgies, he was unmoved, no emotion after my husband told him I have basically had a breakdown.
    I didn’t speak to him or see him for about 8 weeks. I sat down one day and wrote a letter to him as part of my therapy to help gain closure and move on. It was very to the point taking responsibility for my actions, apologizing to him and his wife but not completely letting him off the hook either. It was very well written and I felt good about it. My husband sent it off to him through his email so that I wouldn’t be tempted to keep any kind of conversation going with him. It was also a way of showing a united front on our part. The other man responded asking me if the letter I wrote him was public or private to which my husband responded on my behalf “If you are asking if Jason (my husband) is going to read a reply from you, yes he will.”
    He then responded with this:
    Forgive me for being skeptical.
    How is it you convince (my husband’s name) to allow you to communicate with me here once again? And via what looks like a recently created gmail account.
    The only two people that can benefit from us communicating is you and I, and I have to assume (husband’s name) has run out of patience on any favour requests you might have especially as it relates to me.
    Are you ok with me forwarding this email to Jason’s legitimate work email or would you prefer I don’t do that?
    (my name) I have no trouble in speaking with you. I never promised I wouldn’t respond to you. On the contrary I made promises to you that I would.
    Let’s not play games (my name), if you have something to say or to ask, just do it. Pick up the phone and call me. I have way too much to say that an email response will do justice. You write that you are not expecting a response but I also know you want a response.
    And if this is not the right time than I am fine with that.
    My only point I want to respond to is that I have always had your best interests at heart. ALWAYS! And still do.
    (Name of possible sociopath)
    So he threatens to send this to my husband but I had already told him this was my husband’s email so he obviously didn’t believe me. I did not respond but my husband did telling him that he knew about my letter and my husband told him to adjust his fantasy accordingly. I can only assume that this enraged him because he in turn sent an email stating this:
    (husband’s name),
    To be clear I have spoken to my lawyer and am left with no alternative but to initiate a restraining order on (my name) if she attempts in any way to communicate with me further outside of soccer related business.
    Her taking steps forward has to be independent of me.
    She needs to stop now!
    I was devastated by this response as all I did was send a letter of closure. I am not sure how he goes from the first email to the second one in a matter of a couple of hours.
    I never stalked him ever, I never went to his house, I never followed him, and I hadn’t texted him, or phoned him AT ALL in 8 weeks. I didn’t understand why he would even suggest a restraining order. I am still baffled. I want to cry when I think about it…I am so devastated.
    His behaviours bring up some red flags for me but I am worried about being off base. I want to be wrong and I want to be right. I am having a very difficult time with all of this. Can you help me me out? What do you think of what I have described?

    1. Hi baffled. This is the way that sociopaths are. I know you are confused that he has now threatened to get a restraining order on you. Sociopaths love to use the law to control you. They don’t like losing and don’t like losing control especially, by threatening you with the law he has effectively managed to twist things around and blame you. You are married. I would have nothing further to do with him. In a way you are playing a game with the sociopath and they will retaliate against you If you do this. Whatever contact you have with him he will twist against you. And worse he would also ruin your reputation too. He would tell people that you are married and chasing him. He would tell people you are mentally unstable he would try to bring your husband around how bad you are and turn your husband against you. You can’t play games with a sociopath. It will only get worse . . It’s like poking a stick at a bees nest……

      1. Yep – the sociopath will shamelessly threaten you with, and actually use, the legal system if they think that is best way to get what they want and they simply tell required level of lies no matter how outrageous to get it rolling.
        After I was discarded by sociopath, I requested a personal item of mine be returned by concise txt. She came back with dismissive and outrageous lie that she had thrown it in the sea – this from laziest person I ever met, she only goes out of house if there’s something in it for her.
        So I took deep breath and sent second txt politely stating that this was not very credible and to simply return it. I was very polite, as realized she keeps record of everything with partners, to be used against them when needed (after discard). That was me finished – her one sided txt responses were unbelievable for next hours – fury – threats – abuse – and array of side issues diverting away from the truth of being called out as the liar she really is.
        But by midnight she must have regained composure and then her txting got really disturbing. There came an essay long txt completely rewriting history, full of outright fabrications, claiming me as stalker and a physical threat to her, and threatening me with restraining order!
        Of course, she has history with this same tactic, previously using it effectively and vindictively against an ex husband to stop his child access (big red flag I missed).
        You can’t reason with crazy – and though it was sort of clarifying to see in txt format how she operates – diversion/deflection/abuse/control/fear – in truth it probably wasn’t worth the bother. It ended up being quite unnerving to see just how far she would actually go to regain her sense of control, and showed that she was a genuinely dangerous person.
        Mine was relatively short involvement – months – I can only imagine what marriage or years of exposure, let alone having children that link you to them forever must be like…
        Positivegirl is right – they are all about control – there’s no resolution to be had with them – can only walk away and do required work to forget them (which I think means accepting that they are just truly appalling people completely unworthy of your time and thoughts). You can’t get your lost time back, but you need to reclaim your future.
        My comment long, but this site is great resource for common experience sharing and clarity of just what dealing with.

    2. See it this way … You sent a letter of closure ….. He will use this against you. Never give a sociopath ammunition to use against you because they will use it against you and twist the truth too. He would try to destroy your marriage too. Focus on your marriage and stay away from this marriage. If you don’t this will get much much worse.

  27. Dear Positivagirl…..Thank you for your feedback. It wasn’t until the week before last that I truly accepted that something was not right with him. I probably would never have sent that letter of closure had I really understood what he was in fact, I’m not at 100% acceptance. Being the empath that I am I have a difficult time accepting that anyone could be like this. I know I must or I will just end up a victim again. My husband and I are moving forward and I am dealing with my own issues. I’m still hurt and embarrassed and struggling to understand. It really is a lonely road.

    1. Unfortunately they love to blame frame and shame. You weren’t to know. I would just leave it and be thankful that he hasn’t ruined your marriage. I am so pleased to hear this… He could only bring you ruin.

  28. I just got out of a four year relationship with a sociopath two months ago. I gave him everything and he used it and left me utterly devastated. As a victim, it is hard to get over this because there are so many things that trigger me. I feel used, violated, humiliated, angry, devastated. I am seeing a psychologist but I feel like a lot of people don’t understand the emotional impact a sociopath can have. He wore me down in subtle ways by finding my insecurities and exploiting them subtly so that I didn’t even know what he was doing until we broke up. He used MY place to meet the other girl whenever I wasn’t at home (parent teacher conferences, visits to my family etc.) and the betrayal of that was horrifying because he was talking about getting engaged to me the entire time. I had no idea he was cheating on me (for a year). He was such a good liar and he lied from the beginning and I should have seen the signs I missed. The journey to recovery is going to be a long one I think. I really sympathize with everyone on here. I don’t think people truly understand what it is like to be a victim. I have gone through four break ups now, and this one with the sociopath has left me scarred mentally and emotionally more so than any other relationshipI have ever had.

  29. My ex stonewalled me for seven wks, me and the children, grandchildren. He finally contacted me and I didnt do well. I called him out, called him and his girlfriend names and sent him posts on sociopaths. Then I blocked him from all contact.He contacted my daughter on mothers day on the pretence of saying happy mothers day. I know what hes doing, hes going to use her for information. My daughter who said she would never have contact with him again has been sucked back in. It breaks my heart, but I know my kids will have to have their own experience around him. I hate it because it means they still have more pain to experience before they figure out what he is:(

  30. Hi! I’m embarrassed I have been conned. I’m married for 15 years to man that seem to be somewhat a sociopath or has another disorder. He has displayed signs of cheating and is verbally abusive and alcoholic. I myself have been in recovery for alcoholism for many years and have worked the steps knowing very well I have addictive personality. Last year the marriage was at a all time high of being bad. Around that time my first love/ high school sweetheart and first man I had sex with contacted me on Facebook. I had always searched for him because our young love was ended when I got pregnant and my mother insisted I have abortion. For years I yearned to find out what happened to this man I deeply loved. Even back then friends thought he was a terrible boyfriend. He would make promises and not keep them and then I would break up with him and he would track me like a dog to get me back. Once he had me back in his grip he would start all the same stuff again.

    So last year when I heard from him in the mist of this awful time in my life I felt so happy I connected with my long lost love who moved out of state. He was very smooth. I didn’t know he lived with a woman in the beginning but honestly I didn’t care because I was excited to get to know this man again after 30 years. I admit I flirted with him on the Internet and before I knew it he was calling me on the phone like a crazy man telling me his girlfriend is mad and to stop. Then calls back and gives me his work number. We talk and decided to continue the talking on different emails. She stalked him but he seemed to get out of it every time she caught him talking to me. By this time we had a full blown connection and I literally felt like I was on drugs. My head was light and I was as happy as I ever thought I could be. He works third shift so when I get up in morning he would have love notes insisting it was meant to be to find each other again. The more I resisted because I’m married and he’s in long term relationship the harder he fought just like when were teenagers. We reminisced about our first time around and it had all my attention. Not only did I think I found my first love again I had a solution to my loveless marriage that I received no positive attention from. I thought I was given a gift!! Well think again.

    So I noticed Inconsisency in some of his stories. He smokes pot and has all his life so I thought maybe his brain cells were half gone and he couldn’t remember things properly. I would ask him a question about his past and he would have a different version. I honestly didn’t care because all I knew was that I felt high as a kite with him in my life again. He would send gifts and letters and flowers to my work. Send me sweet nothings all day on email. We made plans to see each other when he came back home alone to visit his family in summer. I even went against my belief system of infidelity because my husband and I stopped have sex so I thought this could be my chance to reconnect with this high school sweetheart. He claimed he was the best in bed. Would send me sexual emails about things he would do to me. I insisted he get tested for stds and he said he did. In meantime, his “crazy ” girl friend, which I know now he made her that way was hot on his trail. He told me she had cheated on him years ago and has very jealous since then and stalks him. She recorded him talking to me and became very mad and called my house. You would think this would have stopped me. No the love drug was in full force.

    I did crazy things like send him a flip phone to call me on so his girlfriend wouldn’t see on phone bill. Then I became suspicious that he was using the minutes I sent him to talk to other women. He made comments that made me think that and would then deny.

    I was so thrilled to see this man after 30 years and him convincing me within weeks we were soul mates and that we were meant to reunite that I planned a few days get away at a cabin I rented while he was here. I had no regard for my marriage or his relationship. I just needed him. He gave me all the attention I was starving for. He refused to send close up pictures of him self or FaceTime. He claimed he didn’t like to put pictures on Internet. I started to become concerned about his looks and found out he had no front teeth and wore denatures. That was concerning for me. I’m a professional and could t understand how someone’s teeth rot out unless they have very bad hygiene. He said he worked third shift running back of a warehouse at a local chain store. Turned out he was a third shift stock boy and he is in his late forties. Now I’m not dumb I could see the writing on the wall. He had been a heavy drug user and now said he only smoked a little pot. He convinces me that it’s almost legal and not bad. Mind you I’m in recovery from addiction and married to active alcoholic. You think I would have run for the hills.

    Instead I sleep with him when he came here. I persistently asked for results of std tests that he said he took. By the way he said he couldn’t get it up and was embarrassed about that therefore hadn’t had sex with girlfriend in long time.

    After the seduction he tells me he didn’t bring the papers to show he was clean. I brush it off thinking he would never lie. Oh by the way he brought viagra with him to get it up. But didn’t need it because I’m so beautiful. Supposedly. We had the time of our lives for a few days. Turned out he was way less attractive with a face that looked like it went thru the meat grinder. Still I saw the young man I once knew and overlooked it all. I found out he lied about so many things yet I blindly keep it going. After he left I found out I had a Std that could be cured with a few days of medicine. I call crying and screaming how could he do this. He ignores me and when we talk he acts like its no by deal. I ask him to get tested for all things now. He claims he will. Never sends results. Keeps saying he will have them next week. Then some big blow out with girlfriend would happen and it would get put off again. He claimed he was moving back here within a year to be close to me. After I had hance to see him in person, by the way my first thought was ” beauty and the beast” , he started sending pictures to me. Right after he got home from being here he send pictures of him self with a hicky on his neck. I was so mad because he said he didn’t have sex with girlfriend and he says it was a pimple on his neck. These were childish games. Who does that In their forties anyhow. After that he went cold until he needed me to support upcoming surgery. I was there for him via FaceTime email text and calls. Everyday. Then once surgery was done he faded off again. Leaving me without my love drug and starving for his love and attention.

    I was heartsick. I knew he was bad for me but I kept on. I felt so very sad without him and so good with him. It made me forget was my husband was doing on the side and on computer. I felt free from that hell but was really just in a different one. I would put deadlines on things to get him to comply and he would wiggle out. I cried and cried to get me test results so I could find out if he had any thing worse. I suffered so much and he would tell another lie to push it off. He girlfri d saw a bunch of texts he wrote me and instead of kicking him out she contacted my coworkers and told them I’m a home wrecker. It was humiliating but I guess I deserved that because I was having affair with her boyfriend. I’m still suffering from that. I think he offered me up for sacrifice to her to do that to me so she wouldnt kick him out. He went silent after she did that to me for awhile but quickly started emailing again and calling. He somehow got out of that and she is trying harder then ever. I do feel very badly for all that.

    Now I start talking to him again. I swore I wouldn’t do it again but after time I start missing his attention again. He convinces me not to let her win by breaking us up. He wants to see me when he comes agin this year and hang out with me. I say there is no way I would sleep with him again and he says he will win me over. I realize I must be out of my mind. My girlfriends are beyond in disbelief. Here I am, a attractive woman with career and family and living the dream and I’m hung up on a drug addict, with no real future, no teeth and lies about everything. I felt I wanted to fix him. Take care of him and make his life better. He told me the most horrific stories about his bad luck in life. Most promises were never fufilled and he would randomly hang up phone on me when I was too boring and say we were disconnected which started happening often. He convinced his girlfriend – well I’m not sure, because everything is a lie. I realized it when she wrote me a email saying he is a comulsive liar. I started looking it up. I never knew about all this and the profile. It fits him to a tee. I feel absolutely dupped. I almost left my marraige for this loser all in the name of love. First love that is. Now he is threatening me and calling and emailing my work terrible things. I’m depressed and bewildered. I don’t know if there are any good men for me out there. I know I’m really screwed up. I kept thinking about the dreams and plans were had for our future. It was all lie. Plus this man has nothing. No money no car no nothing. Why would I even consider that for my life when I had a lot going for me??

  31. It is so sad to find out that he is a sociopath. Some part of me really hopes that he will change for real this time, but I know that is impossible. It is true that he does not have any conscience, remorse, guilt and shame at all. I have been with him for almost 2 years and he never stop lying to me. Every single time when I discovered it, he will beg for forgiveness and promised to never lie to me again. I forgive him every single time because I cannot live without him. Just a few days ago, I discovered his lie again! He has only been working for about a month, and he already cheated on me with another girl, he lie to me saying that he needs to accompany his mother so he could not see me. I doubted so I went to his house to check it and turn out it was a big lie! He invite the girl over his house, they have been staying together for a few days, and he even let her sleep on the master room when i never have the chance to! (only those that i have evidence, he admitted.) He was on his knees begging for forgiveness, and promised that he will never lie again. I broke up with him.

    The next day, things turned around again. Everything has become my fault, he said that i was imagining things, he has nothing to do with the girl ( when he admitted last night that he has been flirting with her and he really has fallen for her, trying to chase her). He said that i was accusing him and that they are nothing more than colleague. He even asked me to go stay with them and he will introduced her to me! How ridiculous! He begged for me now and then, I know he only wanna used me. I am so frustrated with him, at the same time feel so sad for myself that i had to go through things like that. I don’t know how he can do that, lying without feeling any guilt, and he will never admit anything if i does not have evidence to it! He is now asking me to go back and stay with him, because he ‘wants me’ and ‘used to have me’. Obviously, he only needs me to occupy him. I cannot accept how terrible he is. I cannot believe it. I did thought of taking the easy way out and live a ‘happy’ life with him like nothing happened, but I know it will only give him more chances to hurt me again and again. I am starting to accept it after reading articles here that he has no hope to change, he is a sociopath, he has mental problem, he is pathetic. Now I only hope that he will get his karma.

    1. I know. It is devastating, when you love someone, but they have something within them, that cannot and won’t stop hurting you. it is hardwired in the brain. Even if they try to change, temptation gets in the way again, and its back to square one again.

  32. I am a professional and always thought was very smart. But after being in an awful marriage for 25 years with someone that never loved me and controlled me for a good 20 plus years. I didn’t know but he does not have the capacity to love. He joined a prayer group for peace online and soon after started having an online affair with the leader. Very odd. He completely abandoned emotionally his children (our children) and thru her pressure he asked me for a divorce. Great I thought. Now I am free. Ten months after my divorce was final. At work I met my dream man. Very handsome. Tall. Strong. Our first date lasted 8 hours. With him telling me how beautiful I was. That he was going to make me so happy. Etc. for the next 6 weeks I thought I was in heaven. He was everything and more than I dream in a man. I noticed some inconsistencies in his stories. Some lies but he was sooo perfect. Than a crisis came into his life. He was going to lose his business. He called me at work and suggested that he always helped people and now nobody was helping him. I told him I had two girls to raise and I had no money. He said yeah right. I told him if he wanted financial help he should look for a wealthy woman not a single mom. He asked me what I meant. I said you are very handsome and you could get a sugar momma if you wanted. He hang up the phone with me. And that nite texted me good nite as usual. He used to text me several times during the day and come to my house when I wasn’t working. Never leaving me alone or without contact for more than 2 hours. Well he told me he was going in a business trip and would contact me. Than he disappeared. I thought I was going to die. Like a drug addict without the drug. I text him non stop. Then 2 weeks later came to my house abd had sex with me and left. Told me he need time and soace. I felt dirty and used. Sonehow he made me feel guilty about the sugar momma comment and thats how he got me. I kept apologizing. For no ending. Then two months after he disappearence he wrote me an enail saying that I could date other people bc he was in doubt about our relationship. He wanted to have children and I didn’t. So I started the no contact. Was doing well not answering his texts but after two weeks he called ne and I answered. Two weeks after we met for lunch and he tokd me he was traveling a lot. He wanted to be in goid financial stand and for me to be patient. I fell for it. We started calling and texting. Finally I found a picture of him with another woman and confronted him. He told me a bunch of lies. Cursed at me. And I believed him. Abd accepted the verbal abuse. After that he became sweet and told me she was nothing to him. He started calling me non stop. Told me I was the wonan for him. Than one day we met and he told me he was desperate. He couldn’t travel anymore and he had a chance to start a new company. I don’t know how but I fell for it. Gave him 8 thousand dollars. He was very sweet and nice. Told me we should be friends first. No sex. Until we trust each other. He also told me he needed somebody on whom to trust and I was it. Then his cousin died. I asked him about the funeral services. He told me I couldn’t go. He said the wonan from the picture was his son’s mother and she was going to be there. He was trying to be nice to her bc he wants to see his son. All lies as the boy was somebody’s elses. I saw what he was a sociopath. I broke up with him. Now I feel so guilty that I lost 8k to this man. I hate myself. Thanks to this site I am learning I was conned. He wrote me an email full of flattery. I told him it does not work on me anymore. That I don’t want to hear from him. Sent him a copy of a deposit slip and told him to pay me back please as I have the girls. He says he will. I established no contact and try to regain myself. In a way I feel the 8k was the lrice I paid for my freedom and protection. As he is a very violent man. Thats my story. I hope I can help another victim. I feel sorry for this woman but I am glad he found somebody else to leech from.

  33. WOW so happy I found this site, thank you.
    I was with a sociopath for 5 months. I found out he was dating multiple other women as they have called me. I feel confused as I’ve never encountered someone who is so out of touch with reality. I am in shock. Hoping I can come out of this and choose wiser next time.

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