Sociopath’s not having ‘real’ range of human emotion and feelings have to fake their emotions and fill in the gaps with what is termed as ‘flowery language’ …. this is language that nobody else would use. It is over the top. When you look back to the beginning of the relationship, or even when the sociopath was trying, you might feel confused, after all the sociopath was just ‘so nice’. In fact nicer than anyone else that you had met. The sociopath is armed with a dictionary of words in their mind – that they use
They learn this behaviour by
- Observing what others say
- Observing positive responses to things that are said
- Observing negative responses to things that are said
Words come from the head – not the heart. Words can seem overly sentimental – gushing with enthusiasm, you almost feel ‘bad’ if you turn them down (after all you don’t want to hurt someone). The sociopath knows this and plays on this fact.
From observing others, sociopaths learn a code of conduct. Like an encyclopaedia in the brain of the ‘right’ thing to say. These words are manipulative and designed to pull on your heart strings. The language is over the top, too descriptive, and just sickly sweet ‘nice’. This is a deliberate attempt to manipulate and ultimately control you.
The sociopath speaks sometimes like a 18th Century wordsworth poet. When trying to woo or seduce someone you can guarantee that the sociopath will go overboard.
It is this that can make you feel ‘uneasy’ or the words might seem sleazy. Something about the language that the sociopath uses is just not right.
Why does the sociopath use flowery language?
- They are talking from their ‘head’ and not their ‘heart’
- They are talking to manipulate you
- They have no feeling connected to their words, although they will use big words to ‘describe feeling’ often this will be words that nobody else uses.
- The sociopath uses words as the mask of illusion. The reason that they do this, is because words are easy. The sociopath is able to use words from their memory bank of ‘right words to use’ learned from observing others — to deliberately create a mask to deceive you
- Flowery language can confuse you
The importance of confusing and ultimately ‘stunning’ the victim with language
It can be difficult to turn someone down who is making such an effort to be ‘nice’ to you. The use of flowery language can confuse the victim. You know in your head that something is not right. That pull in your stomach can send off red flags warning you that something is wrong. But you do not want to hurt someone who appears to be trying so hard to be open and sincere.
Language and bombardment of communication can stun the victim. The sociopath knows this.
- It gives little time for you to think
- It focuses attention onto the sociopath – in the guise of the attention being focused on you
- It is ultimately ‘brain washing’ ‘grooming’ and ‘mind control’
If you fail to respond to the flowery language
The sociopath, having used what they perceive to be the ‘right’ words to say to lure you and manipulate you, will become frustrated if you object and fail to respond.
Remember that for the sociopath, two things are important
If attempts are made to lure you, win and control are not working. The sociopath will feel frustration. When the sociopath feels that they are losing control, the mask will slip. You will then witness another character who will display the following behaviour
- Feigned hurt, pain and victim mentality
- Blame (of you)
- False accusations against you
- If none of the above work, ultimately narcissistic rage will occur, using derogatory words against you, putting yourself and your person down.
You, the victim might not have said a word. The sociopath’s ultimate motive is to control you. To own you. To possess you so that they can manipulate you for their own source of supply. If you are seen as a good source, and are objecting to being controlled – they will react in the above ways.
You will then be left feeling
- Guilty and confused (after all the sociopath was just being so ‘nice’)
- Doubting yourself
- Or – numb
I have written about the cycle of abuse, and how the sociopath follows this cycle. Operating from the ‘head’ and not the ‘heart’ the sociopath uses an armoury of words and language, to manipulate, control and confuse you.
In some senses this is the worst type of emotional abuse. You the victim are left confused, wondering what is real and what is not. If you are still in love with the sociopath, you might be tempted to go back through the cycle of abuse again. Wanting the ‘nice’ sociopath to return again. After all, you are now hurting and in so much pain. You want the pain to go away.
The sociopath can change in an instant when they are losing control. If you are looking back on the beginning of the relationship, how things felt so perfect in the beginning, that you felt that you were living in a mills and boom novel, it felt like Romeo and Juliet – and how did things go so very wrong?
Remember that – the sociopath
- Assesses you
You will see this cycle repeat again and again. The longer that you are in the relationship, the more regularly you will see this cycle repeat. You the victim are left in a state of confusion and pain, desperately wanting the nice person back…. the honeymoon period in the beginning when everything was so very perfect.
However, it wasn’t perfect. It was never perfect. All through the relationship, from start to finish you were being manipulated and controlled. Brainwashed even.
See the truth, see the pattern, love is not control. Love is not ownership. Love is not manipulative. Love is loving you for who you are….. in the relationship with the sociopath – you are loved for whoever the sociopath wants to mould you into.
See the truth…. set yourself free.
Copyright datingasociopath.com 2013
285 thoughts on “How the sociopath uses flowery language to manipulate and control you”
Omg, He always told me he wants to mold me into what he wanted me to be and wished he could caery me in his pocket and when he wated me I would always be there. Told me I was branded,(
((cattle came to mind) yes possesion, they think they own us. In the beginning it sounded cute, after you them its to late, by the time you figure everything out your all fuxked up yourself!! He txted our daughter tell mommy happy birthday and I love her, even sent her a pic but it wouldnt go thru, 3 days ago he tole another woman the very same thing I feel so much bett#r today surrounded by my family on my birthday, and there is light at the end of the tunnel. Peace an love 😉
Bewildered mine always said I would be a good project for him. It was his way of degrading me at the same time bc I always felt not good enough or that something was wrong that he had to fix me. As for using words he wasn’t very smart so he didn’t use words he didn’t know.
I know it, I always would feel like a trophy, he used to tell me I made him look good. Something must be wrong with me to have stayed with him this long. Now Im back to square 1 three days of no contact with him. It gets better anyway after bo contact, everything wikl b ok.. Peace an love
OMG! Do all of them belong to the same secret society of Sociopaths Anonymous? Mine used the word “branding” and “ownership” too. He wanted to own me, I thought it was exhilarating, wrote it off as a sign of demonstrating love. BUT sheesh … I am new to this site and new to all of this information! Just found two days ago that the man I was falling for is a sociopath.
Riah, I’m sorry you have to go thru this too. I was never talked to about any ownership. However, if I went out with friends, he would text me every fifteen minutes. If he knew a friend or two in the group was a guy, he would ask “what’s his name and where does he live!? He was scary enough that i could picture him beating these friends to a pulp (always saying he’s a trained killer, “marine”). It’s no life. Like you said, it feels a little flattering at first, but it’s really someone very sick where this is just the beginning of many bad things to come. Stay away!
PR and Riah,
The pic from the Dangerous Liasons movie gives me chills. It really feels that way, with their eyes. He is so powerful and she is under a spell (for a little while). We wisen up eventually. Creep! Riah we are here for you. We love talking here and getting our “garbage out” and “positive in”. Im glad you’re here! 🙂
Glad were all here too lisa 🙂
Love & Light
Some examples of sociopath “flowery language” from REAL life ( my ex spath’s emails to VARIOUS women):
” I said it before, I’ll say it again – you are THE BEST ! ” – this is from email he wrote to his son’s therapist. She is married and also has autistic son… my ex spath wrote to his sister that she (therapist) is his “ideal” woman… he sends her these kinds of emails…
” We both know the incredible challenges. But I really do believe there is something that God sees in us, something intangible that we will only know later as to the reasons we were chosen for this task. So just like you said; we have the burden as they do but we have the gift of having our boys. That stretch to love more intensely, grow through pain and somehow, someway learn things about ourselves and that we would never have otherwise. One of my fav. authors C.S. Lewis wrote ; “Experience; that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn.” – this is from email that he sent to one poor woman Marissa, that he met on OKcupid site. She also has son with some similar disorder and this was one of the FIRST emails they exchanged. He presented himself as such compassionate man, good father, good person…
“Sounds like a truly horrible situation and it is always good to have someone to talk with about it. Any time you want to write me about it, I’m here. I would never think differently about you. I’m glad that you had the courage to divorce and hope that you will someday be free of any fear of him. I too have fear of Christian’s mom. When you get abused something creeps in and it takes courage and time and distance. Seems we can always forgive faults of others but more often than not we crucify ourselves for experiences we sometimes have no control over. The only good part is that when it happens, when you decide it is over there is a big exhale. I felt convinced I did the right thing but the emotional fallout is never good, ever. “What was I thinking? Was I that desperate?!” etc. etc. ” – this is also from his email to this poor woman who confided to him on OKcupid about her ex husband ( she had NO idea to whom she is opening her heart to…)
As you can see, my ex spath was one high league sociopath “flowery” talker …
Oh yes, just to tell you that writing of these emails and to few other women were in the same time …. and he always talked how his Dad is “juggling” women …. like he is not 🙂 Oh, well, sociopath is a sociopath, can’t escape that.
OMG!!! Thank you Caerra …. what a fantastic example!!! Yes this is exactly as it is …
Yes positivagirl, flowery “bullshit” …
I will find some more of his “flowery talk” emails and post them as examples … let’s keep spreading “sociopath” awareness…
Speaking of BS. My ex has words on his profile saying he is “a loyal honest and caring man. He is a man yet sometimes wears his heart on his sleeves. Looking to connect emotionally and physically. Looking for his last relationship. ”
WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP!
I did not know about this, but makes sense, that they “hook” you, also with their language!
Absolutely. Flowery language is key to sociopathy mirror girl. Had you sent me a donation? As I meant to write to thank you? …. if so THANK YOU…. I lost my job due to sociopath – so thank you. I think it was you x x
I did, and you are very welcome. I think it is horrible what you have been through, and the quality stuff you post should have been a real source of income to you 🙂
Positivagirl, thanks is all that can be said to you and another for opening eyes to the cycle and the tactics used by the sociopath. I am so far over the sp saga but still frequent the blogs to make myself stay aware and support anyone grieving over their current situation because unless you have been with a SP, N, BP, or other…. many just do not understand the extent of manipulation and abuse that is involved.
Mirroring example: A friend in common sent pics of me and Mr. SP together for memories sake via my cell, I asked her not to in the future as I wanted to remember nothing. At some point, I told him about this. Within two days, he “mirrored” the same back to me. How he saw our pics on the screen at a club he frequented and just couldn’t deal with our breakup. How he loved and missed me. Really? Not. Had it not been for the info out there, the mirroring wouldn’t have been as obvious as a sunrise. The joke of this was he was at the other club with his new target (not sure if he’s acquired that one or moved onto another) but I went there and advised both him and his new target that the text he’d sent just two hours prior may not have been so true sincee and his new fling looked so cozy together. Maybe he just got over it with her presence. I did address her and ask her opinion. Of course, she was unresponsive as they both stared at me. At that point, I’m quite certain I was a story of a unstable and crazy ex or whatever flowThis was all a week within our breakup. Anyway, this was really my good dead for the lowly new target or source of supply. The lowly new target knew we were together before and I believe was happy in her victory to steal the man of her dreams, as well as the fact that the SP found someone he could likely squeeze next. I was delighted that she was getting him and not some innocent woman thinking she’d met her hearts desire with the honeymoon phase embarking. **The irony of life. No contact is the only way to go. Whoever said no pain, no gain didn’t date the SP. Loving my life in the Bay! Positiva keep blogging.
Oh … I found this from my “email” sociopath archive … if you wandered what happened with that poor woman Marissa… shortly afterwards he discarded her (they wrote for some two weeks to each other, then he “pulled” away) …
This is email he wrote to his sister about Marissa:
“I bailed on the planned Sunday movie w/Marissa and her son…said he had plans w/Nancy..just had bad vibes on it. Sounds like her ex- (just got divorced but seperated 2 years) is a crazy abuser (verbal but hinted at more)..don’t need that crap…some crazy ex , too much stress and getting to think I’d become her “counselor”..not sure if I should stop writting or grab a coffee..kind of pulling away which isn’t too mature(me)”
You see how he shows one face (flowery talk) to the victim and tin the same time talks badly about the victim to others
Yep. Mine will talk badly about me to everyone now. I’m crazy. I’m stalking. I’m whatever. But to my face he says nobody out up w him like I did. I’m his world. I have a good heart etc. makes me sick to even think about it all.
Both versions are true in his mind, I’m convinced of it. This is the sort of “crazy making” thoughts that most people can’t understand and can’t reconcile.
How about this one. I love you and lets see where God takes us.
Omg Mine did the same thing to me as well, what a creepy phoney. ufggggg..Well they do all think the same, why do they even exist? No contact thats the way to stay out of their messyp life. Pea e an love..
I want to thank you so much for this site. I vist every day for support and encouragement.
My Svengali spath loved this game.
He stated to me early on in the relationship that his mother had always told him ” the woman he chooses to be with and have on his arm is a reflection of himself”. When we would go shopping he would literally pick out my clothes that he wanted me to wear! “Oh you look do beautiful in that” BS!
I totally lost myself, my being of who I was/am in the relationship!
Warning to anyone who here’s these things coming out of someone’s mouth!
Socios aka succubus with their pathetic little lives are nothing but a malignity on society!
Hi Pos, how does one go about donating? Anyone who has knowledge feel free to post please…. Thanks ~
There is paypal button at the bottom of the page 🙂
arrrgh..I am so tech-NOT savvy…so I need to set up a pay-pal account?
Positivagirl I can’t remember but the only thing he said was I was an angel alot of the things you write he didn’t do and I think that was because he was to stupid.
I laugh Marion bc they are truly stupid.
I find they are flowery — I was told I was “perfect” which no one is, I was told I was the best thing in his life (now his new woman is and he told me that himself) . He loved me with all his heart — even when he already was living with someone else he told me that.
All of the sudden it became, Its all about you all the time, I don’t like how you treat me, etc etc. The flower can turn to weed pretty quickly once they are done with you.
The worst thing about a relationship of any length with a sociopath is that you feel stupid, duped and very low down on yourself. As you fight the loneliness and grieve, they have already set up their new life — you resent them for that.
It is a very big waste of time and energy , of which you are aware, and this makes you feel worse because you cannot shake the feeling of inadequacy. It also makes you fearful of meeting another person the same.
Truth is normal can seem so boring after all this up and down, which also sounds strange.
Guess mental abuse does the same toll as physical in the end.
May we all go on to find our normal fulfilling relationships!
Hi no more sociopaths?
I have those same exact feelings.
After the divorce in February and now he has remarried in August I am angry at all of the points you have made plus I feel stuck -cleaning up after the aftermath of the storm! Following the divorce, then my bankruptcy I am trying to sell the house. Find a new job He has No accountability, No Moral compass …has Gone on his merry little way!
I believe in Karma, and since we all know they can NEVER change it will come back to him!
On another note positivagirl I am so sorry to know that you lost your job due to your socio…again I believe the Karma will come back on him!
What you put out on the universe comes back to you!
Love, happiness, peace and contentment to all socio survivors!
Yes, I also, believe that what they do will come back at one point in there life and it will be worse then anything. I believe that they will run out of supply and be left alone to suffer the consequence of their actions. NO ONE on earth can be unique to the universal law.
So true everyone! I only dated this guy 4 months, luckily left him after researching, have been alone and over thinking about him the past 2 months. Im crushed even from this short of a time dating him. I check my phone, email, but nothing. NC for 1 month, after texting a pretty pic of myself and said, “this is for your doll collection”. HA! Forever got a lot shorter. Why am I wasting my time! I remember the painful lies, feeling dirty and used, moving from plan C girl, to A girl, and back to C again. This is CRUEL, for them to break the heart of someone that loves them. A few times I was afraid for my life, yet I “want” this?! Sometimes I feel nuttier than he is! What is wrong with me! I’m going on a coffee date tomorrow. Just to get out…that’s IT.
Hi Lisa, Sometimes I also feel like maybe there is something wrong with me to tolerate this son of a bitch. Theres nothing wrong with us mentally except we are addicted to these spaths. Have u found thepost on addiction and recovery. Your not by no means alone. Peace an love 😉
Bewildered, I don’t get how we fell for this malarkey. I remember him crying a few times and I kissed and practically drank his tears away. I thought I needed to do something extra and radical to show I loved him. These reptiles never “receive” the good they r given. He was probably laughing inside while crying?! lol..not human.
I forced myself to go on a coffee date last night with someone new. It went really nicely. Trying to get out a bit, stay busy. We all need to at least get out and socialize. Even if we just gain a guy friend 🙂 We need to squeeze in a bit of fun in our lives 😉
Lisa Im glad ur date went nicely, thats a step in the right direction. Keep No Contact!!! More and more day by day you will feel like ur own self again, it gets better, I hop I dont backslide again, after I heard lie an tell someone else he loves them I couldnt possibly b that dum. Peace an love 😉
Yep, I’ve heard it all, too. Apparently he “loved me since the first time he saw me”, “when he first met me, he wished he was single”, he “loved my confidence, it was so sexy” (of course he tried to crush it when I wasn’t going along with his hair-brained ideas) … While he was dating his now-wife, he asked me to give notice on my place and move in “my space is so much better with you in it”. The bullshit was constant – and while my alarm bells were going off in the beginning, I think I became immune to the b.s. as it progressed. Later when I told some guy friends some of his lines, they rolled their eyes, and said “are you BELIEVED him?” (yes, yes I did believe him. Hook. Line. Sinker)
After we broke up, he really sucked up to me via email, probably so he wouldn’t have to repay me the money he owes me. Now that I know about his marriage, he’s not so sweet and generous and constantly whines when he sends me an email money transfer (in amounts small enough so his wife won’t notice). F@ck him.
Unfortunately for the next guy I’m with, if I even sniff a hint of bullshit, he’ll be out the door so fast, he won’t know what hit him. Oh well, que sera sera.
Yes. Sociopaths are able to speak poetically and word almost every sentence beautifully. This is how they are able to put their victims in a “trance” like state. It’s almost hypnotizing to listen to them. My Sociopath loved to qoute Shakespeare, I remember all of the love letters and dozens of poem he once wrote me. All which I have burned long ago…but my favorite was titled “My Lullabies for you are at winters end”. He would always call me “Luxia Darling” or “My little Princess” when he would piss me off. He would send me flowers sometimes when I would catch him lying about something with poems hidden inside the middle of the bouquet written in silver or gold pen. He knew golden dipped roses were my favorite. Lol….after a while I stopped falling for it. And that’s when he would throw violent trantrums because he knew it wasn’t going to work anymore on me. And instead of calling me sweet names he called me Cunt or Bitch. And that’s when I threw a glass ashtray at his head and busted it open…he thought twice after that as to what he called me and removed and hid all glass or heavy objects from our apartment. Lmfao… Don’t mess with Luxia, I’m a little crazy too! 😉
“My Little Princess” reminds me of “Black Swan”. Have you seen that?
Sure have, I used to dance Ballet in my teens.
Don’t you wonder if the director was a soc? He sure did make the women around him crazy…
I love that, lmao im glad u busted his head open, I know that must sound awful and I wouldnt feel like this if he wasnt a spath. Good for him. Lux u ROCK….
Sorry for the late reply, and yes….the director of the Ballet company Thomas, was very manipulative towards his dancers and the way he did poor Beth was extremely Sociopathic. I felt sorry for Nina, but Beth was a pretty tragic character also. And Lilly, Nina’s rival was a little Sociopathic too. It seemed she only got close to Nina to hurt her and steal the spotlight.
‘I’m a little crazy too!’ I love it Luxia! 😀
I know we shouldn’t behave like this, but I did too anyway. I slapped his mouth once when he compared me to his ex + I slapped his head once when I knew he talked bad about me behind my back. Not too hard, actually. He made me frustrated with his words and…well, I guess he don’t like my frustration!! 😀
Yes. Calling a woman a ‘Cunt’ is so utterly inappropriate. I told him the next time he were to ever call me that…I would cut his Penis off in his sleep. And I was serious too. We would both be sitting up in jail looking stupid lol.
Hey Free, my Soc liked to give me a slap during intimate moments etc…but, if he hit me hard I would slap him back 🙂 he often sulked when I did but, if you give it you should be able to take it!
He used to bite until I bit him back & he said “why did you do that?” & I said I was hungry 🙂
Love & light PR xoxo
PR. If UR hungry eat real food like chicken or steak. Not dog poop! ROFL
LOL J’bug I think I did!
Shitty old spath ROFL
How are you doing?
I’m hanging in. Good days. Bad moments. Still NC. Makes me sad that I was so unimportant to him. I can’t believe they are built this way. I thought only other animals eat their own.
I dunno if he still pervs me or not. I deleted that profile where he was lookin at me. Now he has no knowledge of anything in my life. And he doesn’t seem to care. I sometimes think: He walked out. Abandoned me. Doesn’t call. Doesn’t speak. He cheated. Called me names – btw u and I have the same name apparently. I begged and pleaded only to be threatened and blamed. I’m starting to decide its ok if I go out w this other guy. I’m not the one who left me here! Will I ever feel again? I dunno. But at first I didn’t even think I could ever be interested in someone and now I sometimes find myself a little curious. However I do feel not good enough. I feel beat up and childlike afraid to give my heart away again. Of course I don’t have much of one left. That should make all men run right? Anyway. I don’t cry as much After that visit to the psych last week. Was good to hear him say I was normal but have endured way more than anyone should. Well gotta go nurse my bee stings and get to work!!
Have fun at work & keep on your healing path, stings & all 🙂
Go out & enjoy the other guys company just protect your heart 🙂
It’s okay to mourn the death of your relationship but, don’t run headlong into someone else’s arms just for the sake of it?
It’s normal to do this but, probably not wise considering what you have been through.
He will wait if he truly values you as a person, take time to disconnect fully from your Soc…
Or go out & bang your brains out but, not your heart 🙂
Oh & use protection for your heart & your health 🙂
LOL. No bangin for me. Not ready for much more than a good morning text!!
Yeah, what’s with the slapping? Mine only played at that carefully, testing. Hasn’t engaged in that for a long time. Asked me last week when watching a movie though if I’d ever been slapped. I replied, “I don’t know.” He looked at me confused, as if to say, “Shouldn’t you know?” I really didn’t want to indulge the conversation or give an impression of my thoughts about it, but I sense it was waters testing, to learn if it would humiliate me.
Just read this & I was called ‘Darling’, ‘My beauty’ & then when he was annoyed it was the C@*t or bitch, whore, slut & sometimes friendly like Bitchie & I called him Bastardo (he’s Italian) so, he quite liked that???
Aren’t they just pathetic really when you think that they are all actors with the same script. I never got flowers or poems but, we (me & the others) got perfume. I sent him off to get one I liked rather than something he obviously kept a stock of & he was annoyed. Still I’d rather have a perfume I like or nothing!
He gave me a Mimco purse which I really like & he didn’t even bother to wrap it!
It must have come from an OW that had a supply or fell off the back of a truck?
I don’t think he ever paid full price for anything, except my J’dore perfume or Chanel Mademoiselle ! LOL
I also told him to stop buying cheap champagne I only drink French or really good Australian equivalents.
Funny he often tried to ply me with drink but, I am a 2 glass screamer around him as I was always wary of letting my guard down with him….always???
I can drink more but, not with him so, something inside me always was on alert, even if I never guessed his game til the jig was up!
Cheap in mind & language, I educated the silly bastardo, in more ways than one 🙂
He doesn’t have good taste but, his ladies do 🙂
Love & light 🙂
Lol, what a Goddamn loser.
This was a great post!
I think it is so easy to over-look the “flowery language” as a way to hook us…hearing those wonderful things about ourselves FEEL GOOD and we begin to form an addiction with how they make us feel about ourselves. Unfortunately, I was so young when I initially got hooked on him…he gave me sonething I didnt have, etc and made it so hard to compare in the future. I realized later, after dating a hand full of “normal” men (well, kinda normal lol) that no one actually talks like that, that consistently. Now, reflecting back on all of the things he said to me this last go-around, I feel silly for believing it…such an ego move!! Oh well, we’re all human..we all love being told what we want to hear.
Some of my favorites, which now seem absurd to read:
(when asked what he was going to do about our “Friendship” which was quickly developing to more)
“I have already decided that whatever decision I make from here on out, will never take you out of my life again”
(wow, never?!? only took 5 months..although I guess it WAS my decision)
“You’re energy is so incredibly beautiful. I cant take my eyes off of you”
(he didnt even know what ‘energy’ is. Because if you did, you would see how toxic yours was ha)
“I love you, so incredibly much. Nothing will ever take that or the last 10 years away from us”
(made me feel special..like what we had was TRUE…no, i was just the one to give him another chance)
“You are so incredibly beautiful…I just like staring at you”
(In moments of predatory stare, i would ask him why he was staring at me. However, if anyone in public would ever stop to tell me I was beautiful, he would get very uncomfortable and not acknowledge the strangers comment. Almost as if, HE wanted to be the one to make me feel that way…and if anyone else did, he could see his words were losing power. hmm)
“This doesnt make sense to anyone else, Gaslighted. But it doesnt have to. No one will understand what we have been through and will go through together. No one will understand our incredible love”
(I would challenge him with how fucked up the whole situation was getting, and how it just wasnt healthy for anyone involved. He sold me on the “no one will understand” notion, which I suspect he frequently used with his Ex, too, to keep her around when her friends/family encouraged her to move on)
and even AFTER the break up, we had contact for the first few weeks after…he would say
“I have a feeling youand I will be in each others lives forever…theres no getting around how important and amazing you have been to me, which is why I want this to be civil.”
(I was always pretty civil with him this last go-around..despite finding him cheating on me, also. I sort of always “knew” in my gut, which is why I was truly more disappointed in myself than him. I didnt throw words at him or anything…Which he took as a sign of “no hard feelings” and was reaching to maintain some form of normalcy)
During those few weeks, we met for coffee. During this time, he literally matched/mirrored everything I had emulated in my life during our time together..it really messed me up in the head at first, because I thought “How can this man now be the man I wanted NOW when he couldnt do it while we were together?” It really hurt me until i realized..it was all bullshit.
He literally matched the following:
“I totally get the whole ‘being alone’ thing…it has been really therapeutic and healing for me”
(I had always told him he needed some time to himself to sort through his past relationship before getting with me…and told him how therapeutic solitude and meditation can be)
“I dont even watch TV anymore…it was so weird coming home and seeing my mom watch TV! I am so done with it…”
(I dont even own a tv..which he always made fun of me for. I prefer books, blogs, and music. TV stresses me out)
“I have a job interview in X…it wasnt my choice, but hey, I need to go where work is!”
(X is also the location I am moving to in two weeks. He all of the sudden ‘got an interview’ there when this was a huge point of discord in our relationship. Its like, he had to take the one thing I was looking forward to and throw it in my face that he would follow me out there. I later found out that this was complete bullshit, from the OW, and that there was no way in hell he could leave the state…oh, and yes, he was also unemployed and living off of me for a while)
and would basically just pretend he was changing into this super high conscious yogi…when I am pretty sure a yoga mat would spontaneously combust if he ever tried to practice in a room full of love and light again haha 🙂 Okay, so maybe not REALLY…but you get what I mean!
The strange thing is though..it is so clear looking back on all of it. I remember crying for HOURS after that interaction with him, though. He matched EVERYTHING. And I was so confused. I didnt get it. It hurt. I didnt understand what was happening and why he was so damn charming.
I remember crying my eyes out for hours, to my mom, saying “Dear God, I need a sign. I need a divine intervention to get through this”
Later that night, I got a text from the OW…
and ALLLL the pieces began to fall into place 🙂 It all began to make complete sense and I havent looked back with the same pining feeling since.
So, ladies, make sure you ASK and INTEND for the healing you deserve! It is coming!
Wow. I can’t even believe how closely your posts resembles my own experience, even some similar phrases. Now I see why other people on this thread are saying the SPs use the same dictionary! I am just very recently coming to terms with the fact the person I’m in love with is a SP and looking back on the last almost-decade makes me sick, especially when I see the textbook flowery language, now that I can identify it. Thanks for sharing your experience, it’s helpful to realize I’m not alone.
“Whoever said no pain, no gain didn’t date the SP”. Best line this morning. Ha ha… good one!
That is a good one, its true though NO PAIN NO GAIN!!!!! Peace an love 🙂
jusagurl they are really very stupid and I could see this but my love for him would let things roll of my back. But I can remember thinking to myself want a nut job and what have I got myself into. He would talk about things that made no sense and tell these stories that had no meaning. He constantly lived in the past when he was playing football in H.S. and didn’t even graduate. Has not even worked a steady job for more then a couple of months and lived off woman his entire life. Now do you think he is a soc? He’s 52 and supposedly in love and working now. He’s a changed man RIGHT
Hey Jus, the slapping got introduced slowly & playfully then it became a game & then I would tell him off & he would drop it for a while etc…just part of the whole demeaning game to push your boundaries & compromise you.
Mine always was pushing anal sex but, not for me but, he never let up & even showed me videos etc…but, I told him NO & I didn’t find the videos a turn on rather a turn off so he stopped pushing it.
Then he would start again & round we’d go again…I always challenged him & I think that’s why he kept me so long???
Just as a side note, mine couldn’t make ‘small talk’ unless it was dirty.
He would call & I’d say are you still there,just silence at the other end & I would make up an excuse to hang up. What a weird life I was leading, like a trance really. Very hypnotic & always calling???never letting me go. I wouldn’t call him so, he would break & call me as I wasn’t going to chase him. More Challenging from me & more hooking me back in everytime….let me go then bait me back on the hook! What a waste of 10 years….don’t you waste too much!
Lol yes I did receive the Alicia Keyes song thankyou so much, shes one of my favs. I know what u mean about feeling dirty, they flirt with anything that has a pulse and I couldnt talk to anyone male, all my male frienda didnt like him, so not to have drama I listened to him, what a jerk I was, yet he sspike to anything that move . The hell with him, hhe lost a good thing. I find myself happy most days not having him around anyhow. His loss and hes even to dymb to c it. Just gotta keep No Contact. Peace an love PR 😉
Ditto on the jealousy re other men yet anything female was fair game to my Soc!
You are so right he has lost a great person as they all do!
The thing we have to remember is we haven’t lost anything great, just a low life, predatory, sleazy, creepy Soc!
I love the Alicia Keys & Nicki Minaj duet ‘Girl on Fire’, it’s about two women & one jumps & the other doesn’t….says a lot about me & the OW….rings very true & haunted me during this time? I love being psychic just wish I’d get the messages sooner??? 🙂
Stay Strong Bella 🙂
” I love you with every bone in my body”.
“I love you with every breath I take”
” you are absolutely stunning”.
” you are an angel…my angel”.
” you are perfect in every single way, the way you smile, the way you move,,,smell,,,touch me,, ,your voice….everything”.
“I can’t get you out of my head”
” A truer love one could not wish to find”
” I would love to fall asleep with you…….would love to watch you while you sleep”
” I feel complete when I am with you”
” NO-one ever made me feel the way you do”
” i would never lie to you”
” i would never do anything to hurt you”
” you are the love of my life, my soulmate”
” i would be empty without you in my life”
Just a few, but I bet you’ve all had them somewhere along the way!!
I don’t understand why, but mine says no lines like this. One of the reasons I’ve wondered if he is something milder, or different than a sociopath. Because of a couple crazy texts, I’ve actually wondered about split personality disorder.
Jusa I asked my counselor about the split or multiple personalities and she said common signs would be forgetting how he got someplace. Finding stuff in the closet or house he didn’t remember buying. Running into people who know him but he doesn’t seem to know. Losing time. Things like that.
” i would never lie to you” and you are my angle and I would never do anything to hurt you.These lines he used with me. He did everything to hurt me and always lied to him. My God do they use this with every victim.
ooo ooo! heres a fun one!! 🙂 He said,
“I already decided I wouldnt lie to you anymore”
PARDON? ANYMORE?! I was unaware you had been lying to me this whole time 😉
I cleared his ass up really quick by letting him know he doesn’t need to make “honesty” sound like its a privilege and that I expect it out of anyone I am with.
Gas here’s one : “I’m ready to commit to us now. ” after being caught online with all sorts of women and trannies.
omg!!! funny but soo not!! lol
Heres another (after I caught him texting with another girl)
“She doesnt mean anything to me! I was just using her (oap! using someone else, I see) for help with homework and I had to pretend to care about all of her problems so she would do a good job on my homework”
^Now that I think about it, that was probably the most honest response I ever got from him! He openly admitted to using another human being, for his own benefit.
Next time he says “your my Angel”, tell him: Well your the Devil, now get out of my life! Lol….
Mine used those lines verbatim 😦
I think they follow the same script & just change it now & again or when it’s not getting the desired effect?
Loser PA loser’s they really are scumbags 😦
Mine would say after he accused me of cheating & I would throw it back at him, “I would never cheat on you!”
Oh Pa leaze hand me the barf bag 🙂
Or “I dont’ have time for other women”, puke, puke….
“I can only be myself with you!”… & her & her & her!!!
Best revenge on them is being happy & laughing at them because from what I have gathered here they really are big fat jokes…what were we thinking???
Love PR, I hope your well x
It’s exhausting isn’t it?
“We are telepathically connected my love”.
“I can’t stand a day without seeing you”
(He was visiting me 4 days a week. Lives an hour away. Prob “prepping”, getting me more dependent on him before discarding me 😥
I used to cry once a week. Now EVERYDAY? Isn’t it supposed to get better?????
Hi Lisa 🙂
It does get better, just takes time 🙂
Do all your healing & take care of your heart 🙂
The scars are invisible but, that doesn’t mean they aren’t still there & you are not alone 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
Thank you PR. I would be near devastated without this site, and everyone here. I still cannot believe this happened. Its like I’ve been living in bizarre-o-world! Sometimes I feel so strong and done with this, then memories undo some of the progress all over again. We will all get there in our own time. I am thrilled that we r all here for each other. We r very fortunate 😉
This site has saved my sanity as I teeter back & forward….one step forward, two steps back then suddenly…..freedom is on the horizon 🙂
We will never forget but, we have to forgive ourselves for being duped & forgive the Soc’s because, they will never forgive us or appreciate us or love us, they can’t….No Soul, no heart, no courage!
Just Big Black Holes that suck our universe in 😦
Love & Light PR xoxo
I wish we could exchange emails. Maybe have them on here for one hour and then it could be deleted? Just a thought! 🙂
I’ve said a couple of these to him?? I was so in love with him despite the way ivallowed him to treat me. I was very vulnerable when we met and we used to spend hours talking. He mirrored me so much and in the beginning he was everything I had told him I would like in a partner. I couldn’t believe my luck. he told me he was my soul mate and my knight in shining armour. It certainly felt like he was. He was so good at playing the part. well we know the saying. If it seems too good to be true it probably is. When the mask slipped I came down with the biggest thud. OUCH. After this he used to say he wanted to build me up just to see how hard I fell. He got such a kick out of seeing me an emotional wreck. I cant believe how I undervalued myself so much. No one deserves this kind of treatment.
Dear Soul Destroyed,
We have all been there. We r here for you. These guys are sooo smooth and convincing ( more than an average everyday con man). We are not foolish. They are skilled and crafty. The lies sounded so good didnt they?
Now that we know what it really was, lets look ahead…little by little. This page has been invaluable to me and the fruends here. Make sure that once you study over what Spaths are, you MUST study how to feel better. 90% of your reading time should be on YOU and 10% on “shit for brains guy” IF you still need to.
Google Melanie Tonia Evans for extra support. Look at the radio show episode about self empowerment. THIS self studying will heal us. Going over and over what they’ve done for months could keep us stuck…forever. Lets not do that!!! 😉
Hi Lisa 🙂
I love this so thought I’d share it with you & everyone on this journey here 🙂
“Learn to love the fool in you, the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries. It alone protects you against that utterly self-controlled, masterful tyrant whom you also harbor and who would rob you of your human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for your Fool.”
– Theodore Isaac Rubin
P.S. I think the last part relates to the Sociopath?
Thank you so much Lisa. I will most definitely take a look at that site. Thank you. I am 9 months down the line. I have come so far but still have alot of work to do. Thanking you for your kind words and support. This site has been a life saver. Hope you are being kind to yourself as I am learning to do. xx
SD 😉 PR thank you 🙂 I love it. The ending must be about a spath!
Yep & being fools makes us better than the Spaths always 🙂
Love PR x
PR I feel like taking the garbage out in front of my sociopath neighbor and saying “now this is how you get rid of a body” HA!
LOL just make sure something smelly is in it so, if he looks it’s worth it 😉
Put the Soc out with the garbage, sounds like we all need to embrace this idea….out with all the other crap 😉
Lisa if u do be sure u have a baseball bat and beat the hell outta that garbage bag while asking!
“What’s that foul,putrid,disgusting smell???”
“Oh sorry, i just put my Soc in the garbage!” bahaha
“It’s only murder if they find the body; otherwise it’s just a missing person.” Just a thought…I love my e-cards 🙂
PR what’s that smell? His socks.
Jokes for u:
A woman and her Soc went to the zoo. “I’m sorry officer. I thought the sign read Please Feed the Gorillas.”
An alligator and a crock both swam passed a Soc. The woman asked them “why did u let him live? Why not eat him?” They answered “our stomachs can’t handle Socs. There’s no telling where they been or who they already been in.”
I was at a party sitting back listening to comments made by Charles Manson, Ted Bundy and my ex. Can u guess which one was lying the most? ME! I would never be at a party with those losers all in the same room!!
ROTFL 🙂 🙂
I know Pos will be shaking her finger at us but, I think after all the fun the Soc’s have had at our expense it’s ok 🙂
Jokes for you 😉
‘A douche bag of your magnitude could cleanse a whales vagina’
‘ You inspire me to invent new words like Douchetard’ 😉
‘Sociopath, Narcissist, Pathological liar, Manipulator, Cheater, Abuser.
I’m not calling you names.
I am describing you.’
I gotta million 😉
Love PR xoxo
“I gotta million”? That’s what my ex said. Although he was so dumb he thought that was the next number after zero.
You know what, out of all this something good has come & it’s us 🙂
I cannot believe the great, funny,genuine people that I’ve been thrown together with here 🙂
We are all getting to a better place & we have made friends all over the world, never give up!
Love always PR xoxo
Not to offend bc I know people here have various religious beliefs. If u keep an open mind and insert UR own belief system in this song the remaining lyrics are so spot on!!!!
Beautiful J’bug 🙂
Big Hug for you 🙂 & woof woof for Judah & Hannah from George my doggy 😉
I told you he’s a rescue dog & he’s deaf (I think he’s glad he is around me?)
Love & prayers for Judah & his Mom 🙂
You guys are hilarious tonight! I didn’t mean to be a rebel rouser, but it was worth it. Creative comments…ha!
I’ll tell you, in reference to “he’s been in everything” I remember going to the doctor and crying. Being tested for stds since I was cheated on with 15 potential other victims. Thank God I am healthy and rid if this wild animal. He reminds me of the wild cats in the neighborhood. I wonder if any children came out of his affairs?! We really know NOTHING…all of us! Thrilled that this is over with 😉
Oh mine had children!! Twins!!! $900 a mont child support till he signed his rights away last year and let the step dad adopt them. They’re about 8 yrs now. He never cared about them. Doesn’t want them. Has an older daughter and son. His son has nothing to do with him. His daughter is just like him. Messed up family genes!!
It’s a pity we all didn’t rebel sooner as I quashed my hilarious nature a lot with MR SOC 😦
Joke for you 😉
‘Oh, you don’t like being treated the way you treated me?
That must suck.’
To my OW ‘
Your not his new ‘love’ , your his next victim!
So, Thank you for getting ME out of that position!’
” The ability to convince yourself of your own lies is something you’ve mastered beautifully.”
Well Pos did say laughter was best. And even better at their expense. Besides I needed it tonight. Still missing the little dick for brains (did I say little?). And tired of crying. So ya know what? Instead of crying over my Psych today I cried over Judah bc he ate rat poison (no pun intended) and is very sick. Won’t know if he’ll make it for 3-5 days bc of the type he ate. So let me bash my ex!! Bash on ladies! For Judah!!
OMG no 😦 not Judah 😦
For Judah I hope you get well soon beautiful boy 🙂
Love to you J’bug, really praying for your baby 🙂
Thanks PR. He had shots and drank peroxide and charcoal. He’s a sick boy.
As for the song I posted. It’s really spot on. But I didn’t get al the Christian pics across my cell when I posted it so I hope it doesn’t offend anyone. The words just fit our situations. That’s all.
It’s cool, all good 🙂
Just take care of our lovely Judah 🙂
Thinking of you as usual 🙂
A tribute to Judah
Love it & I had a German Shepard growing up Sabre 🙂
George talks to us maybe I should put him on youtube 🙂 being deaf he makes really weird sounds 😉 talks to his toys all the time 🙂
I should have called George (5 miles) then when I say I’ve just walked 5 miles, people will think I’m so fit 😉
Lisa, I’m gald your healthy 🙂
Mine has 3 adult children & told me once he’d fathered a son at 16?
Probably a lie, who knows.
He is grooming his son (late 20’s) to treat women with disdain which I’ve witnessed & was angry about it.
They would say secret code stuff to each other & try & bait me which I realized way too late
Still I am glad it’s over & I cannot believe the depths they stoop to even with their own children, really sick!
One of the best from him was……..” I swear on my children’s lives,,, you are my world,, you are the only one for me..I’ve loved you since the first time I set eyes on you”
He had already told me previously that he had a thing for the woman he was stood with at the time he first set eyes on me!
He must have a lot of eyes like mine did 🙂
& he swore on his children & his mother (god rest her soul)….I would never do that unless I truly meant it!
Mine also hit on my friends I’ve since discovered!!!
What a creep of the highest order….still I am glad I’m not his latest prey listening to all the crap he’ll be spinning blah, blah just POO & more POO!
Love PR xoxo
Hey Phoenix, mine hit on my friends to, family members as well then has no emotion over it when confronted, just lies and says thats not true. Ugggggg I have a love hate relationship, this sux. No contact.
Hey B 🙂
NO CONTACT because they love to keep you spinning in the game!
Mine hit on everyone from friends,relatives & women old enough to be his mother!
Yeah Phoenix, he also flirted with old woman, one woman had wrinkles all over an she told me he made her feel uncomfortable. She told me he was undressing her with his eyes, Truly embarrased, of course when xonfronted lies lies an more lies. . Peace an love 😉
Hiya B 🙂 did you get Alicia Keys song I sent to you?
Yes re older ladies etc…no one seems off limits to the Soc which is really creepy (not that I’m dissing the older lovelies) but, it just seems they’ll jump anyone….makes me feel dirty sort of eeewww.
Still I am free of that creepy man for good…Yay me 🙂 & Yay YOU 🙂
I’ve followed this site for several months now and can unequivocally say it saved my life. This post in particular really hit the nail on the head.
I was tangled up with my spath for six years — we were “together” for three years, albeit broken up a half a dozen times. He kept his tentacles in me for three years after that final breakup…checking in with me via phone or text “to see if I was happy”, as my happiness was his only wish”. A few months ago, I was on the verge of leaving my current boyfriend, at the prompting of my spath, when I discovered this site. ASTONISHMENT! I had never known the definition or signs of a sociopath but mine fits it to a “t”. So many things just never added up and now I understand why. One if the things that often baffled me was the words he used and the love he professed…and how none of it ever added up when it came to his actions.
I threw out letters he wrote me, including a poem he wrote me for Valentine’s Day (“The Dream is You” or some such rubbish) but here’s a few excerpts from emails early in our relationship …
“Thank you for an enchanting evening last night. Your cooking was delicious, your company superb and your affection rapturous.”
And “I was entirely flattered to be with you last evening, especially when meeting your friends. When in your presence I’m all at once enchanted and awed.
Something is happening to me that’s different then before. I’ve honestly never been as enraptured at this point in a relationship in my life. At age 40 I thought I’d felt and seen everything before, save for the truest of romantic love.
You’ve given me leave to dare think I might yet find even that someday soon.”
And “Simply put, I find you astoundingly beautiful in every way.
My feeling is that the more I know about you, spend time with you and grow with you, the deeper and faster I’ll fall.
For now, let me say that I’m exceedingly fond of you and await your return with breathless anticipation.”
And of course, he always signed these “captivated”, “charmed”, “enchanted”, etc.
To make a long story short, I’ve recently discovered he’s married, changed his name, and has posted profiles to websites to meet woman. I can only imagine the breadth and depth of the lies he told me over the years, I shudder to think of it…and you have my eternal gratitude for enlightening me and showing me the path forward.
Great quotes! Yes from all that you wrote he seems 100% sociopath…
Jeez,,,,,,sounds identical to mine,and guess what,he never did overly well at school, said he was useless at English and literature,,,,,,all words adn NO actions, all of them !!!!
Heres something I wanna share, it has nothing to do with this post but my spath left me a message this morning on the house phone saying he wasnt at that house [the house from where I heard that phoncall] even knowing I heard him for 60 miinutes he still proclaimed he wasnt there, said I have someone else in my corner and I was never in his corner and saying stupid things after he chewed me out he said if you want me Ill be at such and such a place. Ok If you left me why chew me out and continuously lie even though I gave him tons of information that I did hear you. These people are not to be believed. How can u lie when I actually heard you, well I dont wanna c him he can stay where he is. Unbelievable!!!!!! Peace an love
It would be humorous if they weren’t so serious, right? I’d probably ignore everything he wanted me to internalize and just say, “Woooow, that is a sensational trick how you called me from that location but weren’t really there! Were you remote from a beach in Jamaica or something?? Tooooo cool…” Just, duh, these guys.
Yes ya know it would b humerous if they werent so serious. Oh well say la ve. I feel sorry for the poor soul hes with now. Sometimes I feel so good and other days Im blue guess it goes with the territory. Peace and love juss… 😉
Hey B 🙂
Time for you to start moving on & forward, don’t waste more precious time on him ;(
My girlfriend passed away a couple of weeks ago, beautiful person & I wish that it was my Soc & not her, she never hurt anyone 😦
Still he’s here creating havoc & she’s gone 😦
Don’t wait a minute longer B 🙂
Go out & make a happy life without the dead eyed Soc!
Love & Light 🙂
Phoenix, I am so sorry to hear about your friend, like my mom always said [may she RIP] God only takes the good ones. You reminded me of myself for a minute because I always say oh so an so died and he walks the streets. But yes you are 110% correct I do have to move on your so right. I will take it one day at a time, recover some more and see what life has to offer me. Thankyou Phoenix for caring, I also care for you, Positiva, shes incredible isnt she? and everyone on this site, this site did so much for me, made me aware of things to come when my spath came back. No Contact, No Backsliding I am really done after I heard him with my own ears. It just hurts, I have good days and bad. In time I will be fine an so will you an everyone here… Peace an love PR :;)
Awww Beautiful B 🙂
It is very hard to get through the damage that this relationship has done 😦
You know I think this is the worst thing ever to happen to anyone ( relationships I mean), I know worse things happen in the world 😦
I have had a marriage break-up after 19 years which was awful but, this is worse because it was a deliberate targeting for the Soc’s own self gratification.
I really feel for the people here that have married one & had children with them, it would be extremely hard to have a child with someone that actually doesn’t love you 😦
Just uses you as a means to an end or to provide a front for them. The family man etc…
My Soc said he’d never loved his wife of 25 years but, just went along with it at the time?
I asked him what he meant etc…he must have loved her at some point (I didn’t know he was a Soc at this time), & he said he’d never felt love for her 😦
They had 3 children together, how sad for her 😦
So B I want you to gather all your strength & rise above this episode & do not let this define you 🙂
You are destined for much happiness 🙂
Just a shame you had to learn this lesson at all.
I wish I could put my Phoenix wings around you & protect you like a Mum as I wish I could for all the wonderful hurt souls here 🙂
Be Brave & be proud, you’ve come a long way 🙂
Love & light always 🙂
Thankyou Phoenix, and Alicia keyes is one of my favorite artists I have 2 of her cd’s and Brand new me is one of her best. Peace an love 😉
Hi B 🙂
I am glad you are an Alicia Keys fan 🙂
I have all her CD’s & her poetry book etc….I have seen her live when she toured Australia.
I thought of you when I heard that song 🙂
Love PR xoxo
And what song reminds u if ME Ms PR?
“Love is a Battlefield” Pat Benatar Ms J’bug 🙂
& pretty much most of Pat I get a lot of Ms J’bug coming through.
Let me know if I’m on the right track? 🙂
& SOS from Abba 🙂
Love PR xoxo
Few more examples of real life sociopath “flowery talk”, my ex spath emails to a married woman, with whom, as I found out from this and other emails, he HAD an affair, although he told me how he used to have coffee and walks with her, that her husband got jealous and told her to stop seeing my ex spath. I can clearly remember my ex spath telling me how he doesn’t know why her husband acted like that when there was nothing between him and her. I believed him, what a surprise it was when I found this emails that he wrote to her.
” I occasionally feel pangs of guilt but I know (darn well hope) that the Lord “understood”. I did let it go at confession a few years back (NO NAMES) and I really did feel a weight lifted. He is a great “Irish” priest (not Fr. Hickey!) and funny we always end up talking sports at the end 🙂 But on a ‘serious’ note, I wish somehow I could say after all these years that I regretted it but that would be just another lie. Every now and then I think that you really can’t choose who you love any more than you can choose where and when you are born. I guess today after I left there was a bit of melancholy because all of a sudden I was back and just a flood of memories; things I hadn’t thought of in years. Okay enough said…”
” I think of you and your brother Billy quite often and I try to say my quick Hail Mary for you all. I hope his children are doing as well as could be expected. Mom’s 3 year anniversary is in a couple months. Every single time of think of those days, wake/funeral you always come to mind. For me it will be an indelible moment as in all that confusion, numbness your smile was there. Even though we don’t chat like we used to, I do think of you alot. ”
I can only tell you that this woman, married with two kids, still accepts my ex spath’s “attention” and lies and cheats on her husband… These women are like sponges … they absorb any flattery they get although they are married, they just accept whoever comes along with attention, flirt, like ‘what a gorgeous woman you are”. … really disgusting.
Oh! and her reply to this poetic flowery talk email was big Thank You in the subject line of the email. I wander what would her husband do if he knew this…
Hi Caerra 🙂
OOOOOO I would love the husbands of the women my Soc has seduced to find out….gee I think I can see the dust storm as he runs screaming off in the distance 🙂
You know I remember him taking me to dinner one night with his friends & a married woman just evil eyed me all night & he went outside with her for ages.
I just realised she was a married OW so, he was rubbing me in to her!
Her husband was huge & ugly so, I wouldn’t want to be on the wrong side of him!!! Wish I could remember his name? 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
Sociopath is like octopus. They keep their tentacles attached to various source supplies. To every woman he pretends like there is ‘special’ connection between him and her, and when he discards her he still calls on that “special connection” to still keep his tentacle on her, but now without any commitment, responsibility or obligation….
I love your comments, Caerra, and my spath had TRIED to keep the tentacles attached to me by flattery, flowery emails and empty compliments. However, since I found out he’s married, a fact which he tried to hide while telling me stories of his financial hardship (so he wouldn’t have to pay me money he owes me, I’m sure), he has now switched tactics, trying to play on the fact that I am a kind and compassionate person. I think he’s finally realizing that I am not so kind and compassionate when I’ve been fucked over.
I think he is a little afraid of what I know about him and that I could/WOULD blow the roof off of his house of lies, so he is now treating me with kid gloves. He wouldn’t dare start a smear campaign against me to anyone who matters, and his record in our industry and with the law is so poor, he has to play a bit nicer. And since he realizes with me that there will NEVER be a chance for friendship or redemption with me, he has pretty much stopped all communication … Thank GOD. My next step is to block him from my email accounts at home and work, and since my work phone number is going to change soon, that won’t be an issue.
FREE AT LAST!!!
That was a right thing to do, what you did. Mine also was kind of afraid of me, probably because he knew I was intelligent and I would, after he discarded me,start using my brain against him. I know from one email that he wrote to his sister he wrote: “I don’t want us to become enemies” …. and I realized why, because he was afraid. Well, he was right about that. I also found out really nasty things about him, I could destroy his reputation, but I rather kept it low, I stayed hidden and decided it would be more helpful for me to keep observing him and use him as tool to understand the nature of sociopaths. One thing that almost made me react was when I found out that he took his son and his son’s friend to the gym… when he returned, his son went to take a shower and my ex spath used that time to go to porn site (I implanted a keylogger on his comp) and the words he typed in the search field of the porn site were (in gay section: ” gay, Bodybuilder destroy teen, bodybuilders bareback, two studs a** f*#&king in a pool, etc” I was appalled 😦 Felt really sick. What a sick monster. I thought I should email this to the mother of his son’s friend so that poor woman knows to whom she is sending her boy too. But, my ex spath pretends to be good religious person, devoted father, that woman could not know in a million years what is behind a facade. I doubt he would ever do any harm to the boys, but just the fact what is it that turned him on in the gym, what sick fantasy…what a sick person.
Caerra I found similar stuff last year when my Soc left a different time. His ex gf showed me a gay profile of his in another state. I found a transsexual profile and an adult Alex site where he posted a naked pic of himself w a hard on. I copied everything to my computer and printed it out. I emailed it to his sister brother and rest if his family. Went to his store Nd told the assistant mgr he left a few things at the house when he moved and gave her the print outs of tranny conversations etc. needless to say he never went back to that store. He turned in his keys at another location and quit from humiliation. I guess he was afraid if me too. But then he got over it and realized I was only hurt so he still came back home! But not this time. And NO I’m not proud if my reaction of revenge. In fact I supported him financially till he found another Job bc I felt it was my fault
Hey J’bug 🙂
I don’t think your revenge was bad at all & standing up for yourself the only way you could,nothing to be ashamed of!
WOW you are amazing 🙂
Yeah sometimes it is better to behold from doing actual revenge actions… made me remember lines from one song that I always liked (I guess in this case with my ex spath, I followed the advice in this song…)
“Actions have reactions, don’t be quick to judge
You may not know the hardships people don’t speak of
It’s best to step back, and observe with couth
For we all must meet our moment of truth”
I also am not fan of revenge, but to protect myself – that yes.
I don’t call it revenge it’s justice & it might stop them in their tracks?
If I can save one other woman I would any day 🙂
It’s because we are so nice that they continue as freely as they do 😦
So I have no qualms about revealing what he has done.
I would never go out of my way to hurt someone so, why should he & get away with it.
Its like we are victims of an invisible crime but, the damage can last a lifetime & never any punishment.
How many people do they destroy? 😦
If revenge is possible then I say go for it!
I’m tired of being bullied & mind gamed as, it still goes on even after they leave 😦
We are living this reality because of them & I would rather have never met him,ever 😦
I am healing from something that someone else did & that’s not fair.
I would never do this to anyone or wish it on them.
The Soc is your worst enemy & they do it all acting like they are your friend….really awful thing to do.
Love & Light PR xoxo
Not feeling that healing tonight. Hurt and cry. Cry and hurt. Hurt and cry.
Don’t be sad anymore 🙂
The hurt is all part of the process, you are grieving & healing your heart.
The tears are washing your soul clean.
It’s really hard but, you can do it 🙂
Have faith in yourself & a big huggle for Judah 🙂
Love PR xoxo
Good post PR…. I agree… if it is not exposed… then we are victims of ‘invisible’ crime… but still I personally had something hold me back from sending these nasty truths about him to everyone in his contact list. I am letting it out here, it is impossible to keep these nasty discoveries inside…
With respect to the revenge/justice conversation, I have to respectfully disagree with you. I’m not saying you’re not right with what you’re feeling, but we as humans don’t have the long view to enable us as individuals to administer revenge. Bibilically-speaking, it is believed that those who are divinely assigned to evaluate breakdowns and administer justice will be measured by a heftier yardstick. If that’s the case, we may also want to rethink whether revenge of a sociopath is worth that personal responsibility. To follow that thought further, if it’s true that justice administrators are divinely assigned, wouldn’t it follow that with the same broad view, God would administer punishment? I’m also not clear on whether these sociopaths serve a purpose or not as a self-actualization tool, but if they do, how would we know without the long view? We would mostly then just be creating interference.
But, even all that aside, I personally believe that for us to focus on the negative (justice/revenge) is a triumph for the sociopath. While we’re thinking about bad, we can’t be doing good which is building up, shoring up, strengthening, creating, becoming and, ultimately, winning. I just think time, energy, thought and resources would be better spent on something more worthwhile, and that is within our realm of short view vision to make a difference.
Hey Jus 🙂
Very true & I don’t waste energy anymore seeking revenge 😦
I did initially go ballistic & try & gain some of my own power back 🙂
This was before I fully realised just what I was up against.
A full blown Sociopath!!!
I also realised just recently that not only does he collect Royal Dalton Lady Figurines & displays then in a cabinet, his wing-man his son collects & displays the ‘Predator” figures from the movie….how bizarre is that???
My Soc is also a ‘Freemason’, member of the ancient masonic lodge (creepy).
I am on the higher road but, my need for revenge initially was relentless & I felt crazy 😦
Which is often the case after all this abuse etc…remeber I had 10 years to purge out 😦
I am concentrating all my good energies on healing & helping others now but, my initial gut response was to fight not flee so,I did & i don’t regret standing up for myself but, my Soc does 🙂
I will answer to my higher power one day I’m sure but, I think under the circumstances it won’t be too harsh??? 🙂
Love & Light Always Jgurl 🙂
@PR – My motivation to send the texts to the police wasn’t for revenge, but rather to prevent him from interfering at my work. I don’t care what happens to him, because it seems like Karma is taking care of everything – I really do believe that what goes around comes around, that’s why I’ve tried to keep to the high road, and have focused on myself to see my own patterns in relationships (I have learned so much, it’s been a very hard lesson, but one I’m sure I won’t forget).
I’m sure if he ever got a job at my company he would do his best to sabotage me, and at least if he was stupid enough to apply (he emailed me last week to ask about a job opening – WTF?) then it would be on record with the police, and I could approach HR about it. Unfortunately he’s very good at his job, but I don’t want him sweeping into the only stability I have known since we parted ways, rocking the boat and sabotaging my career. It’s totally self-preservation.
The anger comes and goes, but is getting less and less. I’m really trying to see things from a spiritual perspective, and for me that has helped a lot – my spiritual advisor said when we first broke up that this would be the greatest gift, but I couldn’t see it until the day I realized I had used him to give me the love I couldn’t give myself, and in the process, I had betrayed myself by compromising my values (though it wasn’t always obvious at the time).
that’s my story any way …
Hi Darling 🙂
Yes like you I compromised myself but, not fully something always made me hold back.
I didn’t realize either until I found this site & others, just what I was up against.
My Soc is high functioning & is a Commander in the Fire Brigade & a Car Dealer so, plenty of vulnerable women pass his way like sitting ducks 😦 Quack,Quack I was a big duck 😦
I am also spiritual as many here are & I know Karma is taking care of business 🙂
I reacted initially out of confusion & retaliation as I was blown apart by the OW’s revelations…
We met & it was horrendous for us both.
Unfortunately she aligned with me then turned tail & stayed, even after I had informed her of some very personal info which really did my head in 😦
I don’t blame her as she has been brainwashed etc…I feel really sorry for her as she seemed very fragile 😦
She is a Dr Of Sociology so, it’s her job & her life on the line & I can only imagine how embarrassed she is to have been duped etc…but, still she has stayed & knows he’s a Sociopath.
I am on my higher road & protecting myself & only come to this site to support ,share &
My need for revenge has gone but, my need to iwarn others is very strong so, I will see where that takes me?
Love & Light 🙂
@Caerra – thanks, it’s been really hard to not retaliate by contacting his new wife, as I know he has filled her head with lies about everything. BUT – she has already admitted that she was “with him” when we broke up, so as far as I’m concerned, they deserve each other.
However, I have copies of text messages he sent to another ex-gf (who had a restraining order against him during the period of time he was obsessively texting her – and he was “in love” with me), and some of these messages mentioned the name of a police officer who was pursuing some of his issues (long story). I am tempted to forward them to the cop so he is aware of who he is dealing with, then I want to delete everything he ever sent me and move on. I am very much on the fence, and have to look at the “cost-benefit” ratio, if you will. What purpose will it serve, and if I do this, will it really be the “end” … or am I adding fuel to the fire? Who knows. I think I have to decide soon, or don’t do it at all. I’m so confused, and I don’t want to give this bastard any more of my energy – he’s stolen enough of my time, energy and resources already.
I sent what I had & whilst it seemed like the action of a woman scorned well, it was & hell hath no fury!
I did feel better as I paid it forward to help others….he wasn’t happy so, that made me smile 🙂
I would never do anything to harm another living soul but, I don’t believe my Soc has a soul so,nothing to lose.
I found it very purging actually like I took some of my power back 😉
Besides he didn’t care about me so, why protect him?
Love & Light 🙂
I had the same thoughts and questions about retaliation…. Some of the persons to whom I thought I should send truth about him, while following his email correspondence with him, they turned out to be … well, not some ‘that much nice’ persons… so it didn’t have much sense… for example, that cop to whom you are thinking to send those text messages… how much do you know about him after all? In the end you will do what you think and feel it is the best in your situation, but it is definitely good to hear other opinions…
for example… the mother of that boy that is friend of my spath’s son…. actually, she is very religious and out of pity she sends her boy from time to time to hang out with my ex spath’s son because my ex spath’s son is autistic and doesn’t have much friends. But, on the other hand, this woman ALWAYS expects that my ex spath pays everything for the boys, even when she takes them to the movies, she takes money for it. She doesn’t say: Oh, it’s ok, this time it’s on me.. although she is a doctor, I think she has good salary and my ex spath receives social help… She also never called my ex spath’s son to her son’s birthday, I guess she didn’t want that autistic child ‘spoils’ the party.
Then, one of the female friends he was pursuing, she appeared to be quite selfish and kind of openly sitting on two chairs, having open door to reconcile with her ex and trying to get involved with my ex spath in the same time…. Even my spath was having second thoughts will he have her in his game or not because she was selfish… as we know, sociopaths like nurturing, caring women… from whom they can suck life from…
It seems to be another tell-tale that so many of them cross gender-sexual boundaries. Guessing it’s part of the general lack of boundaries. I suspect this of my soc as well, but he won’t admit.
This is so true, lol octopussys is what they really are. Peac an love C. 😉
Jusagirl, I have got to add to what you said. My spath had a secret addiction to pantyhose. He had over 20 pantyhose websites listed on a secret pad. Idiot! 😀 Anyway, he sincerely had some delicate qualities that I ignored. I always felt he had a boyfriend, but had no proof. There was a guys name on his cell and he was defensive and said “He is just my old Marine Sergeant!” Huh?? He NEVER looked at other women in front if me (4 months). He used the word cuddle a lot, and skipped while walking like a kid…Im serious. Maybe he used me to look acceptable on the outside? Situationally gay since he is bored? You are RIGHT. They cross MANY boundaries since they bore easily and need constant excitement. I had to be cat woman once. HA! I crossed a few boundaries and it was never enough. Porn stars aren’t enough. Us girls never had a chance, but the next normal guy will appreciate everything! Wink 😉 Think positive!
Mine doesn’t wear men’s cologne but likes something more gender neutral, like fragrant lotions. He also will wear some tinted glosses and glitter lotion on his face. When he left the pink frosted lipstick on my mouth (yes, that happened—horrifying), I’m still not sure it wasn’t him wearing it and didn’t want to say so. But, seriously what’s bad is, absolutely anything is possible.
Jus, you could smell mine before he entered a room always using cologne etc…& really nice floral ones too???
He also showered all the time & his skin was so dry from it, considering all his encounters he could be a sharkboy 🙂 always in the water circling his victims 🙂
Since the frosted pink lipstick incident, all I can think now is, “Where else had he been on days he came to me?” I also wonder if he left me and went directly to others. Just disgusting.
Mine did & it was confirmed by OW & vice versa eeeewwwww….I hate to think what else we shared 😦 Yuk Yuk oh well…..lesson learned hopefully?
You’ll be okay, we’ve got your back 🙂
LOL Lisa, you are so right & Cat Woman…you go girl 🙂
Mine called me Wonder Woman & his beautiful Amazon (I’m very tall & leggy) LOL…..makes me wonder now 🙂
Made me cross certain boundaries but, not as many as he wanted thank god!
They really have weird fetishes & as I’ve read here most like the transsexual type re porn etc…was a real turn off but, as you said they need to push the boundaries for excitement because to them normal is boring!
I love NORMAL 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
“They really have weird fetishes & as I’ve read here most like the transsexual type re porn etc…was a real turn off but, as you said they need to push the boundaries for excitement because to them normal is boring!
I love NORMAL :)”
That makes me wonder if any others have seen a pattern of the left-of-normal behaviors coming out in things like style of dress/clothing. This guy, I complimented him on a nice striped polo and walking shorts once and he said, “I did this for you. I look boring.” Who new telling someone they looked nice could be an insult? But, without going into too much detail, he has some flamboyant and what others might term, odd tendencies, if you know what I mean. He stood out in a crowd and people were always commenting on different aspects of his appearance. He seemed to not notice and take this as expected/par for the course, so it’s obviously been going on a long time.
Mine wasn’t flamboyant like that but, loved his labels….Rolex watch, Ralph Lauren Polo’s, Calvin Klein undies, Levi jeans etc….Harley Davidson Motor bike, BMW convertible in garage…used Fire Brigade car as it cost him nothing….he was a tight wad!
Was always clocking up points on his Amex which was a Titanium one….I was never impressed so, I think that amused him…I don’t acquaint wealth & prestige with good people as I have met all kinds…in other words i judge by actions…though he cleverly portrayed that he wasn’t interested in money but, his lifestyle & possessions screamed otherwise!!
I think they are all weird & we are all discovering here just how much which is scary!
Mine wasn’t stylish. He was more plain Jane. Ha! No pun intended bc he did want to wear makeup. Caught him several times taunting girls and trannies to teach him how to put it on. And he shaved EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!!!!
E V E R Y W H E R E
LOL eeeewww hairless to boot 🙂
Mine reminded me of a Silver back gorilla, not so hairy but, in stature definitely….I would picture him beating his chest & prancing about LOL 🙂
Mine had a huge gut, like he was pregnant & i used to try & tell him to lose it for health reasons etc….it was like a huge verandah really…oh well kept the sun off his teeny weenie
OMG I really have lost it today 🙂
What the hell did I see in him????????
Caerra are you saying that they will resurface when the new source of supplies starts to be low. Mine was with his new source of supply and came down to visit here in san jose and wanted to see me twice already in 7 months. The first visit was in May we saw each other and I told him I still loved him and he said I needed to move on and then I would be in peace. That he was with no one and he was but said he would see me
in July and he did come but I would not see him when he called and texted. He said that he would try and not have a problem with me not wanted us to be friends and that was that. I haven’t heard from him since then. So, its been almost 1 month and a half. But I did tell his sister to stay away from me because I was trying to heal from all the horrible things he did to me and that he would never see me or his dog again and that his dog he left behind was not his dog. So, after all this would he have the nerve still to contact me. I have heard he is in love and his new woman loves him she bought him a car and all is good hes even working which he never did with me in 7 years said he didnt’ need to or wanted to do illegal stuff said he was a hustler and now hes this changed man working, in love and all this happened in 7 months. How is this I just don’t understand can you give me some insight that I must be missing. All is 6 babies mamas and 2 wife’s and girlfriends didn’t change him. How could one woman just get so lucky or am I crazy? Love Marion
Hey Marion 🙂 Sociopaths can’t change. It is just that now he has put a new mask, new ‘changed’ persona. He will enjoy for a while in this new, different persona (they love their roles – for a while) but then same old things will repeat ( phases – gaming, manipulation, discard). Actually things are already repeating, he is now in ‘idealization’ (that first phase) with his new victim, same old cycle : idealization, gaming, discard. Nothing ever changes with sociopath. Remember the saying : “The wolf changes his coat but not his nature.” So that is what he did, he just changed his coat.
As for re – appearing in victim’s life, if you are wondering and expecting him to contact you … well, sometimes they are occupied with their new sources and years can pass, but they will “check in” most certainly…. it can be under mask like “how I you, are you happy, have you moved on, I want you to be happy”… but that is a mask, he is actually attaching his tentacle on you again so that he can drain life out of you, disrespect you and make you miserable… when they say “I want you to be happy” that means “I want to make you miserable”… Be happy that he is finally gone, cherish yourself and your freedom so you can work on your healing…
Judahbug, I am practically peeing my pants in laughter! My spath shaved EVERYTHING as well…even toes!! Only hair he owned and kept was on his head, and that was thinning too. I hate that I like that now and will never find it again since its not a normal guy!!! So I should look for a tranny now??? 😀
Oh Lisa he had a freakin hair phobia and I don’t mean rabbits!!! He had a little electric thing to get rid of hair in his ears and nose. And would shave the Mister Mister. Although when seeking trannies what is that? The Sister Mister? Hell I dunno.
Bahahahaha Mister Sister ROTFL I bet you wouldn’t mind using a real shaver now on Mister
It’s ok PR. His Mister is dead anyway without Mr Viagra. In fact last year he left once and I flushed his pills in the toilet to make sure he wouldn’t get any for a month bc his insurance wouldn’t payout for more until a month later! Hahahahahahaha!
Laugh we might. And mean we might be. But dang if it doesn’t make me feel better making fun of these dick for brain men!!!
J’bug laughing at these dicks is the best medicine 🙂
These dicks create more drama than a van full of drag queens on their way to a wig sale 🙂
LOL Lisa 🙂
Mine had little on his head so, it migrated down his back etc…probably why he didn’t shave it all off…had to keep it for????
I don’t have a Brazilian more like the Amazonian…wild & untamed LOL….giving too much away now 🙂 LOLOLOL 🙂
Judahbug I’m telling you, mine had NO hair other than his head, lashes and brows. Mister was all clear too, impeccable every minute of everyday! I’m serious. What the hell just happened to us? :O
Lisa I guess I thought it was a male preference kinda like some guys like women to shave below the belt and some don’t. Here’s a really personal strange thing. But I heard that gay men have very sensitive nipples. Is this true? My ex was Crazy about that. I always wondered if that was a normal guy thing or mostly gay men
Ok, so I have to say that my ex, on one hand, seemed pretty “innocent” in some ways, so imagine my surprise when he told me he was into those sex resorts and he would enjoy watching other people basically have group sex. Then at one point (just before we broke up) I found some very disturbing bi and transexual porn … I’m no prude by any stretch, but that shocked me … Not really the kind of guy I want to be hanging around, truthfully, so it’s no great loss that he’s out of my life. BUT, I still have to say that the betrayal stung really badly.
Yes the betrayal and abandonment hurt. Then the treating me like I was the problem was bad. He needs to grow up! Does having no conscience mean they have no concept of maturity and age equivalence?
Awww Judah, mine told the OW he stayed with me to help me with my problems???
I didn’t have any until all of this!! Made me soooo angry & that’s what got my back up…I am no charity case!
What a Jackass….I’m a Jack of all trades & he’s a Jack of all ASSES 🙂
No he’s the queen.
Ditto Darling….what were we thinking?
Love & Lights now on 🙂
Get this. Mork just went to jail. LOL!!!!!
Yep Aliens…you girls nailed it!
The betrayal is the worst part. I mean I sincerely would have tried to help this guy had he been open. He never revealed himself. During you know what, he was like a robot , in thought in another land. He packed clothes to change what was on his body throughout the day and night in a mystery! HA!
Re ex’s he’s discarded (except me because I burnt that bridge back deliberately)
he still calls one as she buys cars from him & to see how she is & tell her how well he’s doing etc…I know her as well.
His ex wife (never divorced) still keeps her on the chain via their adult children & grand children. His son is his wing man (late 20’s now) & lives with the ex wife so, has an excuse to manipulate & control her via him. He employs his son & takes him on overseas trips with my OW in my saga. His son knew us both & plays the game. His daughter & sister also in on the sham!
Another OW still out there with others just all part of his game 😦
I am so glad I’m free of this bizarre world & the torture by triangulation 🙂
He’s not that great just a good actor & his stage is huge, only his stage though (lol).
He even has one in Canada that he pretends is his cousin….kissing cousin me thinks!
Hi PR 🙂
Yes, in his sick sociopath mind, he enjoyed cheating you in front of your eyes with that woman… I also remember a lot of similar things of which I wasn’t aware in time when they were happening…
I forgot to write to thank you for that decording link. I have put it in my favorites and will try it – that method with ice and piece of paper with spath’s name – sounds good! 🙂
Yes Caerra it works 🙂
@ Caerra 🙂
I vent a lot here also & thank goodness for this site, I can’t imagine what I would be like without yours & others to relate to 🙂
Love PR x
Hi PR! Hope you are well – sent ya an email!
Could someone tell me why all my emails to this site is going to my spasm folder and how to change it. Thank you so, MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hi Marion you need to check your email settings or go to your local tech/computer person & ask them?
I am not sure what program you have???
Good Luck 🙂
I hope your well 🙂
Ahhhh she meant spam folder. For a second I thought she meant her spasm spath’s inbox folder !!!
Btw I’m watching Mork n Mindy. Do u think Mork was a Spath? He had no emotions. Couldn’t feel. And used Mindy as a source of supply for a roof over his head and survival among other things. He played mind games too. Nanoo Nanoo!!!
I think your onto something there Mork from Ork….I loved that show & I lurve Robin Williams 🙂 very hairy & short…just like….No stop LOL.
I think the Spath’s come from the Black Hole & just suck our universe in 😦
It explains a lot about the sexual confusion they have. I mean Mork did transport here to earth in a freakin EGG!
LOL a Double Ententre very clever 🙂
Spasm & Spathism…a new medical term Spathism…omg it just gets funnier 🙂
Spathism. A deformity as we know it:
a) cousin IT like with no sexual identity
b) guppy fish like w no problem of eating their own.
c) hairless chihuahua dog afraid of commitments
d) penguin like mating sticking around for only a year or so.
e) Lion King likeness thinking they own and control us
kewl definitions so, Urban Dictionary take note 🙂
More and Mindy? HA HA! I remember that as a kid. He was VERY distant. I can’t believe I remember that about him!!! Cracking up here tonight with you girls! Nanoo nanoo! 😀
Yeah in this episode Mork thinks a dictatorship would be better than democracy. There u have it!!! Spath!!
Yes Lisa, I think after all we’ve been through a good laugh is definitely in order 🙂
On that note 🙂
‘Remember you are what you eat so, don’t be fast,cheap,easy or fake!’ LOL
& For the Spath…’I removed your ego & it turns out that’s what was clogging your reality’
Have you ever just looked at someone & thought the wheel was turnin but, the hamster was dead!
Some people need a High Five….in the face with a chair….LOLOLOL
OMG. U MEAN THERE’S A HAMSTER IN THERE!!!!!
& a Gerbil??? EEEWWW LOL ROTFL I htink we’ve lost it….thank god!
LOST IT….Spathism cure, take one big dose of reality, visit this site & bingo your cured 🙂
Laughter really is healing 🙂
Your amazing you ladies….:)
Today, I sit here and all that comes to my mind is how my ex. is enjoying his life with his new girl and how his life is better they say and I have to pick all the pieces of my life and soul together. The tears just won’t stop and my heart feels like it has been ripped out into so, many pieces.7 years off pain and now trying to survive all the lies and being used and throw away like a dirty rag.and they don’t feel a thing.Thinking that how him and this woman are living there life while I’m trying to have one. I wake up every morning wondering where Marion went.I ust to be so happy, laughing and enjoying my life and now all I feel is a deep sadness. The pain is so deep. I try everyday to go on but it’s so hard to forget all the abuse and why I let it happen. I pray to God all day long to take this pain away. Iam a very loving person and wonder how anyone could ever do the things he did. But I know he is a Sociopath. I will survive this I know but it will take awhile I know and laugh one day again. Thank you for listening to me God Bless all you woman I feel for all of you. .
Awww marion 🙂
It’s the most awful of relationship’s to be in because the fruitlessness of it is overwhelming 😦
Like you I am questioning myself & my inability to see it for what it wasn’t & that has been very hard 🙂
Read Paula’s Pontification
I found it enlightening but, hard all the same to read 😦
I was in for 10 long years so, as they say the longer you’ve been exposed to the Soc the harder it can be?
I have had a lot happen in my life but, it was never this bad because the situation was not one sided as it is with a Soc.
In other words, my marriage ended but, there had been love during it & normal interactions.
With the Soc relationship it’s all just about a big game & their self gratification without any thought of us whatsoever…
This is the hardest reality to deal with…& like a deer in the headlights I just froze when he was exposed to me & I am now left to find may way back:(
Like you,back to myself & forgive myself for being duped so badly 😦
I still cannot believe I just let this man take me over to such a degree & the discard has been shattering 😦
I am good however & as I say this I have been having therapy & doing all the healings etc…
but, I have a long way to go & I am here for you 🙂
We are on our journey back from hell so, hold tight & we will free ourselves together & with the help of each other here 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
For You Marion 🙂
@Marion – I know how you feel, mine had gone on to marry 13 WEEKS after we broke up, 14 weeks after he asked me to move in (he asked me to move in while he was dating his now wife (of course I had no idea, though I had suspicions) – can you imagine, asking a current gf to move in, while planning to marry someone else? What a complete f@cking loser).
One thing you need to remember is that his happiness is shallow and temporary … For mine, since he is incapable of deep feeling and lasting passion, eventually, he will spin out of control in the manic/obsessive way he always does, and he will ruin yet another relationship, and probably ruin his new wife as well. They leave a trail of destruction, it’s so pathetic. Thankfully I didn’t spend that long with him and he didn’t ruin me, ultimately I realize I am SO much better off without him.
I don’t miss HIM, I did miss the person I thought he was – and now I realize he is a complete fraud. I may have said it once before, but my spiritual advisor told me that at some point I’d realize that this whole thing was a gift – and I have had my epiphany, and she was right. Doesn’t mean I don’t have days of anger, but they are getting less and less. And, sometimes it takes karma a while to come back around, but it always does, so I try to focus on improving my own life, and doing what makes me happy. God will take care of him, of that I’m sure.
Gosh darling I need my epiphany! A friend of mine asked me today what was it I couldn’t let go of. The defeat? I don’t think that’s it so this is what I realized later:
“U asked me earlier what it was that I couldn’t let go of. I think it might be the good Darrell. The fake one. The one that doesn’t really exist? It’s so hard to think that person wasn’t real. It felt real to me. And on days like this when my daughter openly rejects me he was all the family I had – the good Darrell that is. This bad Darrell is a demon from hell. A selfish one like my mom. And my brain has a hard time knowing the two live inside the same body. That may not make sense but I think that’s what my problem is. ”
Anyway. I’m tired if hurting. Not hurting. Hurting. Dying. Crying. Sleeping. There’s too much besides him. Nobody understands except for u guys here. I’m in tears today. U have no idea. My daughter met me today bc she wanted her birth certificate. I thought she wanted to actually see me finally. But she made it clear she doesn’t wanna relationship w me and I was crushed. I have nobody else that I want in my life. I love my granddaughter to pieces but she’s not my daughter! I would trade everything for my child to love me. I would trade even more to have her and my granddaughter. But all I get is discarded by psycho boy. Replaced by some trannies probably. And threw away by my own flesh and blood. I have nothing left inside me. Absolutely nothing. Only tears that are pouring down my face.
@Judahbug – I’m so sorry you’re feeling like that, and I can’t imagine what you’re going through with your daughter. You have probably heard it all before, but nothing lasts forever, and perhaps one day your daughter will have an epiphany of her own and realize that she has played her own role in this dysfunction. And that is the day that she will start to come around … In the meantime, well, have you ever thought of therapy – talking to an objective sounding board can make a world of difference to your perspective.
As for the “man” …
You have to remember that the “nice” guy that you loved – not real. He’s a ghost. The real guy is the douchebag who treated you like shit. They play nice to manipulate, and you have to realize, it’s not YOU who is NOT loveable, it’s THEM. They deliberately choose woman/partners who are kind, loving and generous (inherently loveable traits) – don’t you see? If you were an unloving and awful person, you wouldn’t have taken him on, and he knows that. He then would have skipped you altogether and found someone else.
Why should his shortcomings as a human being and a man be a reflection of you as a woman? It’s not. If you weren’t loving and trustworthy yourself, you wouldn’t be able to love and trust.
Let him have his trannies and his bizarre fetishes. Thank God you’re not twisted enough to keep his interest …
Yes Dar. I do have a counselor. It’s how I know I’m the sane one in the family. Just been hit w too much from many and its hard to walk alone. I know my ex is a freakazoid. I have instruction to stay away from him bc he can be dangerous. so I come here at night.
“…but my spiritual advisor told me that at some point I’d realize that this whole thing was a gift – and I have had my epiphany, and she was right.”
I was wondering if you could elaborate on what she meant by gift?
Ok, I’m sure a lot of people who’ve been used and treated like shit might not like what my advisor wrote to me, and this is not necessarily a message to anyone other than me. (so please – don’t take these words as finger pointing to you who are reading it) BUT, I have done a lot of self work in the last 4 years, and this is a woman who, in her compassion and wisdom, has helped me examine and understand so many issues I’ve had through a spiritual perspective.
To qualify this, let me also say that from the beginning of the relationship with the ex-bf, something didn’t seem right, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. His facade as a kind and loving man was totally contradicted by some terrible things he said about other people, his stories of being victimized by his exes, and just some very questionable behaviour in general (can you say “loose cannon”?). I was also dealing with a life-threatening health issue at the time, so my discernment wasn’t as sharp as it might have been. And I’ll admit, I was lonely, as I hadn’t had a relationship in a long time … Because I had known him socially, it was easy to overlook the red flags from the combination of these factors.
It took me a long time to see this experience as a gift, and I still struggle with it. What I realized was that this awful, painful experience caused me to self-reflect and go deeper into examining my soul than ever before. I had an epiphany one morning (in the shower, of all places) and it went like this: “I used HIM to give me the love that I couldn’t give to myself, and I chose to overlook inappropriate behaviours and to NOT see him for who he really was, because I needed to validate myself by having a man in my life”
Here’s what she wrote to me:
“We have phases in life that we intended to have certain understandings…to be living certain insights….and when those phases come and we are not quite there, then life comes at us in difficult ways. Imagine that YOU orchestrated ALL of this….to really hit home to yourself that reality is BEHIND THE APPEARANCES. HE appeared nice, loving..people don’t have one side or another. They are the same ‘complex’ all the time..we just have to see behind appearances and live from a deeper place of wholeness…then we are not blind. But it’s not about suspiciously scrutinizing another…but by scrutinizing self for all neediness, all preference, assumption….When your desire is to know your true nature as expression of the Infinite…and that drives everything as you move through life with joy and glad expectations of the innocent child…then you are on track for major acceleration. Only then you are truly open to another….without strings.
What he did: using you….is reflecting what you did to him…USING HIM….to feel loved. The triangle of false conditional, selfish love goes like this: I love you therefore I get to control you, if you don’t act as I have fantasized in my mind, I will get [angry, nasty, hateful, hurt, back-stabbling…etc/]. Until we are in unconditional love, we all play that triangle to some degree, and in some manner. It is not freeing….it holds others to being what we project on them, and binds us to prison bars at the same time.
Thank God you are not left to settle for less than self-awareness through complacency with a man! Forget relationship until you feel your wholeness…until you can see this whole thing as the biggest blessing ever!”
So you see, this is what my experience has been about. It doesn’t make what he did OK, and I still think he’s a complete douchebag. BUT, since I have been able to acknowledge my own participation in the drama, it has given me my power back by taking me from the “victim” (and yes, I played that role, too, just differently and with different motivation than him), to being a woman who takes responsibility for herself. Life doesn’t happen TO us, it happens THROUGH us …
I hope that helps – it took me a long time to understand it …
Bravo Darling 🙂
I am also at this point of taking responsibility for myself & had a similar tale etc…leading up to & including the whole saga.
I know the lesson was sent for a reason & I have had many like you.
The only difference is the hold that the Soc has which, is enormous because each time I came to my epiphany he sensed it & changed the game.
Whilst I was gaining awareness & my own role in it, he too knew & unlike other relationships it was very difficult to escape from?
He always counter acted my awareness of myself & my trying to free myself of his hold.
I did this many many times 😦
It almost felt like child abuse (yes I had that as well) but, it was done surreptitiously, “Don’t tell anyone what we do,say”, etc…& this has been why the act of betrayal can run so deep 😦
The smiling assassin, the worst enemy who befriends you first then systematically takes you down & all for the thrill 😦
It’s abuse at the most base level which is why it’s the hardest to come to terms with 😦
Thank you for your insights 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
Wow. Thank you, Darling, for sharing this. It sort of blew my mind. I had to reread certain sentences a few time to grasp their meaning, and I’m sure I will have to spend more thought on this.
Throughout this journey with the soc, I have stopped to hold up the mirror to myself, and more than a few times, I haven’t liked what I’ve seen. As I’ve suggested in other posts, I’m not sure some of the things could’ve been uncovered by any other means wherein stress/pressure wasn’t applied.
The knowledge of my self-issues has slowed me down, wherein I second-guess my own motives, and I think that is a right thing. I find it hard to trust others right now, and I’m sure that’s a reflection of my own self-trust as well. Ironically, that aspect has made it hard to know where the boundaries should be with the soc. I’ve questioned long-held beliefs that I am certain originated in childhood from my parent’s teaching—things I had assumed, without question, that were right. Sometimes, the lesson was right in principle, but not the concept on the whole. I have work to do to adjust some thinking, eliminate assupmtive-processing (this was from my father—a useful skill/trait in theory, but in practice gone haywire), and assess the motives behind my own expectations of a man.
Thanks again for sharing… this was valuable information for me, and hopefully for others.
I’m so glad you found it helpful – sometimes people don’t like to hear that they have to look at themselves and their own motivations, but there is always a grain of truth, no matter how small. When I’ve self-reflected, I haven’t liked what I’ve seen, but I’ve been able to take this situation and hopefully become a better woman for it. Best of luck!
Hi Darling 🙂
Mine was living with the OW & planning marriage & also planning a holiday with me!
We did not live together but, had been in a relationship 10 long years.
He recently sold his place & said he was living at his deceased mother’s with his sister & invited me there for dinner with his family??? They all knew except me,really wicked family 😦
I suited him perfectly for his dalliances etc…because I didn’t want to live with him.
My children & I needed our own space & I was determined to keep my private life separate & I am so glad I did 🙂
Something always made me hold back or was it him???
I am glad it’s over & I have angry days but, they are getting less & less as I regain my own self back from all the mind control etc…
I am strong & resilient like most here so, like you time to pick up the pieces & move forward.
Still it has been the most unbelievable experience that only we understand 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
I think the gift I received was seeing that the amount and quality of “love” I received was very reflective of how I love myself. I’m serious. Think about this! Do we love ourselves enough? Probably not, and we don’t realize it till we run into people like this. Just my two cents 😉
I don’t know what reply I expected, but it sure wasn’t that. Definitely food for thought…thanks for your thoughtful reply.
Lisa & Jus 🙂
It’s funny but I remember the OW saying that the Soc wasn’t very warm toward her except in bed but, I got lot’s of hugs & kisses etc…but then again that’s me 🙂
He mirrored me right down to being openly loving with me in front of others etc…but he doesn’t do that or didn’t with her.
I also give it out but, I don’t truly love myself or think I’m worthy so, I am now doing a lot of therapy to give myself the love I so freely give to others 🙂
I am getting there & I think this whole experience has led me to this point & now I have to take action & truly, madly, deeply love myself as I was born to do 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
Jusa, I’m glad I’ve got you thinking! PR that is GREAT!!
It’s all good. I think we need to figure out WHY we were targeted. What are we “representing” to men? Do we seem like pushovers? Idk what the heck I look like…ha! Just my thoughts 😉
I attract everyone including Spaths’.
I get the little old ladies & the disabled people, the intellectually disabled…everyone,even animals love me.
I have had the most bizarre encounters with all sorts of things 🙂 🙂 LOL a monkey bit me once, probably a Spath :)…chased by Emu’s, Kangaroos,all a little excited by me???
Even an Elephant took a liking to me…an Ostrich tried to hump a bus I was on & the driver siad it was me as it was at my window!!!!
Yep I’m a magnate for all living things…insects as well!!! LOL I am not lying!
I wear my heart on my sleeve & never think I’m superior to anyone 🙂
A friend told me I am too nice & my Soc said this a lot.
My friends also said it’s my pheromones?
Maybe I should roll in POO, oh sorry did that already with my Spath 🙂 LOLOL
I just have to watch myself in future, stay away from zoo’s etc…& circuses where crazy clowns (Spath’s) hang out 🙂
I will stay me though 🙂
Just more aware 🙂
Love & Light 😉
Jusa, Darking is right. Here’s my confession:
I felt something was wrong from the minute u met my spath. I DELIBERATELY ignored the red flags because:
I was single 4 YEARS prior, and I wanted to have FUN and not be alone “for a change”. You see? I sound terrible, but I used him too :p
My payoff was: companionship, sex, going out to eat, movies, whatever. We all are getting something out of staying somewhere, to a degree 😉
Yep, I confess I used him at first to show my ex husband I had someone too 😦
I had just been left for another so, was vulnerable & needy. Then he got his hooks in & away we went.
I was always wanting to prove to myself & others that I was wrong about him & he was a good man so, I reinforced that with his help daily 😦
I remember not wanting to let him beat me because, I thought with my love he couldn’t help but be a good person….aren’t I the martyr 😦
I think the Soc senses this & therefore it’s open season on the Savior.
Good against Evil the historical battle…played out by me & him at all costs…the cost in the end,was no winner just another victim to move onto 😦
Can you tell I’m having therapy & really needed it!
I didn’t even realise how “flowery” my language is but now I keep noticing it, explains my affinity to poetry though
I think this song, “Jar of Hearts”, by Christina Perri sums up the experience of dating a sociopath. PERFECTLY.
Oh yes, our hearts are in the Jar but, the lid is open now so, be free 🙂
Phoenix do you believe they will get there Karma. I do but he has been doing this for 32 years will it ever caught up to him?
Do you think that they would see it as ‘karma’ marion? I don’t as they would simply shift the blame. Play victim, it would all be somebody elses fault. They would then use this to their own advantage to lure someone else in….. as now they are ‘victim’ again. If they have karma, I am sure that they turn it around. I don’t think they get to a point of deep soul searching that they need to change.
Very true Pos 🙂
They don’t have a conscience so, would never soul search & yes they do then make out they are the victim.
You must have been amused by our recent chat & jokes, I could see you laughing & shaking your head 🙂
We have to laugh don’t we…it’s been a huge help to us all this site 🙂
Enlightening, confronting & healing…all good 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
We musta laughed too hard PR. Right now I wanna take my whole script of ambien and go to sleep till?????????
Awww J’bug, it’s very draining being in this trauma 😦
I am reading Peter Levine “The Unspoken Voice” I recommend you have a look at it 🙂
You need rest but, don’t overdo the ambien 😦
Have a break & maybe have a little break from this site for awhile cause whilst it helps it also reinforces it back sometimes 😦
Keep your chin up as we are all here for you & you are not alone 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
Karma has already reached them in their loss of us & being a Spath with no feelings forever,I think that would be Karma enough for me 😦
We have been used & abused & I have shut my heart down but, I am working hard to re-open it 🙂
The Soc cannot do this so, that must be an awful way to live (like the living dead really)…maybe that is the Karma…live like your never alive!
We however, think, feel,love etc…& we still do 🙂
Just need to turn our love light back onto full & shine right into their dark dark void 🙂
Shine on Marion, you can do it, we all can 🙂
In every other way, the universe is a structure of action = reaction. Our soc’s seemingly unseen/covert actions also have consequences. Some, this person is cursed to suffer with daily throughout his life, regardless of the “Hahaha… I don’t feel anything, nothing matters to me!” persona/character they reflect.
By virtue of their lack of emotional depth, they don’t even get the benefit of contrast without incorporating wild extremes. We’ve discussed many of these, from fetishes and sexual preferences/issues to moodiness (highs/lows) and telling whoppers just to experience some reaction from others. It’s a sad state to be in wherein negative attention helps you feel you’re alive and breathing.
Is there a future justice and day of reckoning for them otherwise? I personally believe there is for us all. My own track record is not spotless. Some things I’ve repented during this lifetime that I know about. I still do wrong things unintentionally that I didn’t know were problems… until I did. Or willfully, when I’m under stress and want relief, release, and not thinking clearly or broad view.
As messy as this sounds, in their dysfunctional minds, some of the things they do routinely may to them be survival and may fall under the “doing wrong things unintentionally” category. Isn’t that why we pity and sympathized with them sometimes? Until the depths of their depravity or deception crystallized for us? I think it’s one of the reasons why it can be hard to leave them—they aren’t ALL bad. But the parts that are soooo bad comparatively are what makes it easy for us to hate them.
I got a real kick out of the girls’ joking messages at the soc’s expense last night and genuinely laughed along (was in bed or I probably would’ve also joined in!) because, having gone through it, I see the humor and we bond in our commiseration. But from a heart perspective, I don’t wish him ill, I do wish him well in spite of himself (and he is quite literally his own worst enemy), and I wish myself clearer and as self-protective as necessary, now being knowledgeable of the possibility for destruction due to his associated condition.
As Positiva has written before, it’s not like the next person is getting something better, no matter what image they would like to project, because he is still the same person, with the same associated condition. All he can do is hope to stay under the radar for long enough to dig in. In that sense, watching him with the next person is more like being forewarned of an impending trainwreck; you don’t know when it will happen, but it will derail—another consequence of him having to be him.
Well said Jus 🙂
You really are a good writer & I hope you share your insights more with others 🙂
Have a look at Peter Levine as he has some great healing books/insights as I am reading
‘In an unspoken voice’, very good & enlightening.
So Insightful! I really enjoyed reading your thoughts on this. I very much have to agree with many of the points:
-every action has a reaction
-they are the true victims, as they cannot escape themselves
-the next does not have it any better.
How enlightening for all of us to read! Seriously! And you are so right. Sometimes we need to step outside of ourselves and talk to us like a friend, to see the situation without emotion. If a good friend was going through this, what would you say?
Although I have reached some sort of level of acceptance (no more tears or excruciating pain), I am still doing a bit of processing and understanding. Accepting new layers, as my life has been turned up side down from all of this. It has been a huge healing summer for me. Funny to acknowledge that it all “ended” with us on memorial day weekend, and here we are, approaching labor day weekend. Minimal to 0 contact (NC for the last 6 weeks!). WHat a healing summer for me!
This summer I have:
-taken a job across the country (HUGE opportunity)
-reconnected with my best friends
-moved back in with my parents (Before the move) and reconnected with them
-unknowingly became the second highest producing sales team member on a a team of 12.
-got my health on track
-have slept A LOT
-signed up for a class required for my new job (passed 1st exam)
-helped more with my best friends wedding (since i was too self absorbed into the soc before)
What a summer.
In preparation for my move (1 week!! ahhh!!!!!) I have been going through old photographs, letters, notes, journals – really, anything I have left at my parents when I was growing up that I havent seen sicne I have moved out to college when I was 18. I found a box. A box full of letters and journal entries about my soc. I have struggled with him for the last 10 years, which means it all started when I was 14-15. Obviously, I didnt have the same life experiences to draw from but oh my god IT WAS ALL THE SAME!!! The confusion, the hurt, the pain, the drama, the back stabbing, the betrayal. Holy crap, it was all the same. And I was reading through all of these letters…letters to me, letters to him…just smiling and shaking my head, thinking “Wow, he really has NOT changed one bit in the last 10 years”.
Sure, he has put on a good show. “Look at me, I’m doing X,Y, and Z! I really do have my life together!” But really, to the core…in his HEART AND SOUL…he is the same person.
And, well, since most of us here are more on the spiritual side, we all relate more to the fact that you cannot really have a truly fulfilling life if your heart and soul are not in the right place – which is why we struggle so much with the soc.
It was just slightly crazy for me to go back, go back through EVERYTHING..and step back into those feelings at such a young age. A few things I noted from my “high school” and “college” self when I read and re-read these letters:
-I failed 2 finals in high school because he was texting me/arguing with me the whole time about…I don’t even remember??
-He was a “friend” at the time, and wouldn’t talk to me when he found out I lost my virginity to a guy I was dating at the time. It was “all my fault” and I felt “so bad for disappointing him”…omg GAG!
-set me up with his “Best friend” and then sabotaged that.
-Would make grand plans to come to concerts and festivals with me, at my expense, and then stand me up..I had to take a friend instead.
-would tell me how much he loved me (which kept me hanging on) and would literally vanish for months out of my life. Wouldnt talk to me. Hurt like hell when i was so young
-Told me he wanted to marry me (so young, I know). Got mad at me and proposed to someone else 3 months after being intimate with me.
I cant believe I never saw it clearly. And I cant believe I had to circle back around years later to “find out for sure”…But now, especially with all the past evidence, there is literally no question. He will not change, ever. Feels good to realize that and have the whole 10 years come to a full circle, but holy COW is it exhausting processing all this stuff! It takes a lot out of ya!
Anyone else physically/mentally exhausted? I cant say I am “Depressed” anymore because I have really regained control of my days, but I still tire fairly easily.
Also, regarding the notes/journal entries…think it is wise to hang on to these to always remind myself? I went through a stage where I purged everything he ever bought me/touched. So, I had no memories of him in my physical space…but regarding these, is it okay to keep these to remind myself? Seems like event hough I had all that evidence, I still forgot this time around.
Hi GL 🙂
Ditto, I found something I wrote 5 years ago to my Soc & it was all there in front of me & like you I was pulled back in for another 5!
Read Paula’s Pontifcation as she just posted another great article/blog
This was me & it’s still hard to read yet also freeing 🙂
Like you I am doing well & very drained sometimes, I wonder if it’s still some sort of control or just the residue of the trauma (probably the latter).
Jus & you both write eloquently so, keep it up 🙂
I am reading Peter Levine “The Unspoken Voice” he has some great books on trauma healing 🙂
Congrat’s on your successes 🙂
Have a nice glass of vino & relax bella 🙂
You’ve deserved it 🙂
I see a fabulous new guy coming your way & he’s not a Soc so, enjoy xoxo
Love & Light 🙂
Thank you Pheonix what a lovely lady you are. That’s makes sense about Karma but I do belelive they are truly never happy with such evil energy.
PR – Thank you!! I hope your “visions” of a new non-soc guy are correct 🙂 hehe I feel ready! Well, almost ready… But I feel excited for it! 🙂 Which is a huge step.
Hi GL 🙂
I sent you an email & yes he’s on his way….Soc out forever!
Heart open for the real deal 🙂
Love & Light Bella 🙂
PR and Gaslight, don’t laugh. I started dating a normal guy that does not call or text every half hour! It takes getting used to. I was feeling like he isn’t interested since he only contacts me once or twice a day. HA! This is what normal is!! 😀
Yep, & Isn’t normal wonderful & real 🙂
Good girl & Good Luck & tell him when your ready about this experience but, don’t scare him off…Pos told me 3 mths or so???
Your good too go bella…Be Happy, the past is behind you for a reason 🙂
Self Love first, this is for you 🙂
AWW 🙂 Thats good to hear, though! Im slightly nervous to the cross over back into normal-ville from this relationship. I know I can only do so much healing on my own, and that I will have a great deal of healing to do once I am actually IN a relationship with someone, since thats where most of the damage was done.
How did you adjust to being in a non-soc relationship? What are the thoughts/fears that come into your mind, if you dont mind me asking?
I know your asking Lisa but, thought I’d chime in 🙂 what’s new I heard you think 🙂
Normal Love will come naturally as long as you feel you deserve it.
Manifest real, normal, true & accept no less.
No compromise just truth from day 1.
Open & honest, all up front, no sneaky texting, no sneaky emailing…transparency only.
If you don’t’ get that which is normal behavior then don’t bother, the real deal is out there.
Have the confidence in yourself & it will all flow from there. 🙂
PR that video was adorable! So sweet! 🙂
Gaslight, I only went out on a couple dates. I literally FORCED myself to “get out there”. I am just looking to socialize right now so it helps me to not worry much at all! Don’t look for anything, just meet people. It’s truly helping me move on a bit more 😉 Thank God! 🙂
Lisa I forced myself to go out too. I find I’m insecure and don’t trust. It’s helped keep me busy but then I don’t believe a word this guy says to me!!! I’m messed up!!!
Awww J’bug your traumatized & it’s messed with your head & heart & it’s going to take a long time to heal but, it will eventually but, it’s very hard on you 😦
Have you written to your daughter?
Take your time to heal you first then work on the rest.
Keep busy & remember you’ve shut yourself down so,it’s going to take a very strong person (you) to open your heart again because it’s in pieces 😦
Pick up each piece with great care & compassion.
Your feeling very very unsteady but, put both feet on the ground & feel it under your feet from your soles to your soul.
You need grounding as your fragmented all over the place 😦
Keep up with your therapy & faith 🙂
Here’s a joke for you to make you smile 🙂 hopefully?
“I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup & shit a better argument than that”. 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
I saw my daughter for first time in over a year today. She needed her birth certificate. So I saw my granddaughter too. But my daughter made it clear she doesn’t wanna relationship w me. That’s exactly what she said. There’s no forgiveness. No love. Only judgement. Blame. And she doesn’t feel guilty or care. So of course I miss my ex. The one who never cared either.
UR right. I have been beat up by a LOT of people the past few years. An they don’t care that I try to recover and be a better person. U learn who UR friends are that’s for sure. So I still have no family. Prob why I hurt tonight.
J’bug, keep pushing back 🙂
I mean push up & away with all the people that are bringing you down, not in the real sense but, in your mind.
Say “NO MORE” out loud & really mean it.
You have to practice this & really work on self love, stop deflecting it off YOU.
Love yourself truly, do you think your worthy?
You are but, what do you think?
I’m not a therapist but, you are worth it & must start believing it, not just saying it.
Keep fighting for you 🙂
While I don’t have near the history of your family abuse, I also learned early my parents weren’t necessarily my allies. What’s bad is they really believe they are. In my case, it took me over 30 years to stop stupidly looking for approval and just not share important things, knowing they didn’t have it in their person to be supportive after the chips had fallen. I’d always hoped I would develop an “extended family” of friends for me and son, but I’ll be honest, I’m wary of drawing people too close. Once you know what you know about your own family, it couldn’t help but taint your impression of the world of relationships in general. So, I do a lot alone.
Wow Jusa that sounds exactly like me. Took me 40 years to start standing up for myself
Judah, PR is right. I was only dating/brainwashed for 4 months with my spath. I left him mid June :p
I forced myself to go out a month later and gained a guy friend. The latest one might be the same. My point to you is this: go out on “dates” to make friends. Don’t date to find a man. Understand what I mean? THEN, you won’t be as uncomfortable since you aren’t expecting or looking for romance. It’s the only reason I am comfortable and a bit confident. I have NO expectations. Pretend you and your next date are from an anti-social club. You’re helping each other to get out of the house. Just practice! 😉
I feel hopeful, not fully healed, but truly getting closer. You will too. Lets do this together! 😉
Lisa I did that with this new guy. Just as friends. Said so specifically. He was ok w that. But after seeing him three times he’s all hands and keeps trying to sleep w me. When I say no he acts like he’s ok w that. We’re friends. Then starts trying again! Repeat. Repeat. I feel like he’s upset I keep rejecting him but that’s not my fault bc I told him ahead of time!! Anyway. It’s nice having someone to talk to or go out but he may be history.
That’s why I don’t try with one-on-ones, in my experience, no matter what they say, they aren’t looking for just friendship. I joined some local Meetup groups in the area where I live—just things that interest me, like foreign/indie films, tennis, but also a singles group. I haven’t been to any of the gatherings yet, but I’m hoping meeting on group terms will help me create better friendship parameters that are understood from the outset.
I think ur right groups are best. I was doing great but yesterday n today I feel all depressed and am against being around anybody much less a group. Geez I hate this.
Judah, I think some of that is a bit normal. Guys are human yet animalistic…ha! Anyway, maybe try to think of it as a compliment (as you turn him away). As long as you do not feel afraid and really uncomfortable. You’re a strong, independent woman. So say what you want and don’t want, just like you’re already doing. Try to enjoy yourself and enjoy some compliments abd attention. You’re worthy! You deserve it 🙂
I love the end, how he faints. Idk if hes actually feeling anything but he is at least bothered that his one supplier is gone…HA!
Well shoot Lisa. I thought he died at the end. Am I a wishing too hard???
Nah it’s the Karma bus you just can’t see it 🙂
I hope I can say the words in this song to him one day.
Don’t worry the Karma bus has a lot of passengers on it & it’s heading his way 🙂
P.S. Did you know that female honey bees do all the work & male bees only exist to mate with the queen then die…we are the queen bees 😉
Yes I knew about the bees. And them little effers stung the dickens outta me two nights ago!!!!!!!!
OMG yes 😦 maybe it was a sign???
You survived…Queen Bee 🙂
Bingo! It will be from the heart one day, like we are so DONE! 😉 It’s gonna happen.
But he would have to come back For the millionth time first. And right now he hates me like …… HAIR!!!!!!!
Hahahaha OMG. I’m losing my sanity like PR!!!!
At least your in good company here 🙂
‘Our family is just one tent away from a full blown circus’ 🙂
PR! Haha! The circus is definitely in town 😀
And these guys are as peculiar as a 3 dollar bill! :p
Ok. This post is supposed to be about flowery words. Shouldn’t we be posting flowery words about them?
“Baby u look stunningly more gorgeous in that dress than I do”!
“Sweetie that color mascara compliments the gray in UR eyebrows”
Have a looksy at paulas pontification as todays post is really spot on, you too Lisa & anyone else here 😉
Love & Light 🙂
I know we are all turning to many places for support. I found Melanie Tonia Evans online. Another excellent place to turn, but this one here is my favorite. We actually connect! 😉
Interesting article for us since we are good empathetic people. It explains why even extremely intelligent people still fall for swindlers lies.
Wow, I said that looked so strange, I asked him who that was that I needed to know he just loojed at me and didnt say anything, frifgin weired an creepy. has his elbows ob the window sill with on leg bent to the vack and was twirling his curls while talking to some crazy girl he cheats on me with, now I know he has sex with her that way, he looked GAY omg. Peace an love 😦
Mine had a fetish for long nails everytime during sex before he ejaculated he would say let me c ur nails.
I just don’t know what to say about the nails. Not to sound naive, but I sincerely never realized how deeply disturbed these guys really are…all of them. I didn’t think anyone here could relate to me about THIS part (bizzare fetishes and their femininity) but it’s sweeping the spath nation. My head is spinning 😦
It’s finding this site that has saved my sanity & yes the weirdness of them & being able to share & compare has been enlightening & yes….creepy.
Mine loved me to paint my long nails & was fascinated that I had my own nails 🙂
He bit his to the quick & I was always wondering why such a control freak couldn’t stop such a nasty habit.
He would do the weirdest things…his Royal Dalton Lady collection is now speaking volumes to me about possessions & his son having a ‘Predator’ collection is just further insight into this creepy family!
I cannot believe just what I was party too!
Read this from Paula’s Pontifications as it is so true 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
Mine liked me to paint my nails too and run them down his back.
Also got really turned on looking at my painted toe nails!
The plot thickens 🙂 x
He he Dorena 🙂
Mine was the same re the painting of nails & dragging down his back!
Gosh they really are all the same, just different masks.
The plot thickens & I’d wish mine would get in his plot 🙂
Or maybe they’ve all lost the plot 🙂 LOL
A quote from my ex spath email to his son’s therapist ( a woman, off course and a married one (I think he especially likes to try the married ones, like a parasite to dig in and destroy other’s family)
“Truly appreciated you taking a Friday night to come and help out. You’re awesome a true ‘natural’. You impressed even my father who is a VERY difficult man to impress:)
You’re The Best !
Oh! I have a good friend… An amazing carpenter although he only speaks Aramaic, Greek and some Latin…probably
He wanted me to pass on a big thanks:)! ”
He is writing how she is a great therapist (what she needs to hear) and shows what a good (religious) man he is …. sociopath in action!
He presents himself as ‘good man of faith’ … what a maniac, he is ‘friend with Jesus’ ( is there a smiley for throwing up, I need one!) … every day and night… 5 hours daily he is on porn site (especially humiliation ones)
I’m doing better, but sometimes I would almost rather be his “slave”. I do not have any weird fetishes, but maybe I want him to control me? Wth does this mean? Do I not want to think for mysekf? Anyone ever feel this way?
You were conditioned to be his slave as was I & he made me call him “Master” & he would say “You are my slave & I will do whatever i want with you!”
WTF was I thinking????…I wasn’t it was all part of the programming after years of monotone & tying me to him…he was like a shadow, always there but, shadows are dark & need light to be seen 🙂
I was the light…he the shadow.
You are not alone Lisa, we have all been controled & manipulated by these devious men 😦
This song reminds me of this Article. . .
Reblogged this on Keeping it Together with ListRA Dawn and commented:
If you’re not aware, in his book, Andrew Lobaczewski used the term “patho-semantics” to describe these particular ways that those with pathologies of conscience use language to manipulate and con others. He suggested that this become a sort of field of study. It’s a great idea because so many people learn about what these people are like character-wise, but then you can’t assess that character because it’s hidden behind the mask. But if you learn the language that makes up part of the mask, then you can really start to recognize things more accurately in this arena.
Absolutely, thank you Ponerology.
Thank you so much to everyone for sharing here. It is helping me to realize I am not crazy as he wants me to believe. Here in an example in an email from my ex spath:
You’re so communicative! 😦
I am so happy its friday! I need the downtime this weekend to refresh myself. Next week I have a lot of big deliverables that are coming to fruition at work. Once those are completed I should be able to shore up the remaining work the following week, and be able to relax a bit the week following. I wish I had this much planning and control of my life outside of work! It’s very daunting not knowing what will happen from day to day. Ha. Guess that is life. Speaking of life I heard you state several times that change is not something you are comfortable with..Why? It’s so fascinating to me…But we all know I am a strange bird!
Hahahahaha oh brilliant I love it!! Isn’t it amazing? 🙂 🙂 when you see it for what It is you can only laugh. My ex did exactly the same their language is very bizzare usually littered with what a good person they are (or are becoming) thank you you made me laugh!!
I reading it again and still laughing 🙂
Omg!! *Facepalm*. Mine sounded like a poet. He called our exchanges like this, sometimes for hours, “verbal 69s”. He would go on for hours in text and emails about how wonderful I was, how in love he was with me, how I was the best thing that ever happened to him in almost Shakespearian prose. At first I just thought he was trying to impress me and went with it. He would tell me all the time. “you. inspire me”. It was over the top.
He also wanted us to get matching tattoos on our ankles of shackles, like I was his slave and he mine. He also wanted to fabricate something in iron to literally brand me with. He even told me he worshipped me and got a tattoo across his chest for me of a Hebrew phrase and i wss to get a matching one. When I asked him why he got it ob his chest he said “so you can see it when we make love”. I believed everything and fell hard for this guy. Lord help me, i feel so duped.
They are full of flowery language bullshit. It’s how they operate. It’s quite sleazy really. Sleazy langauge.
Ive been reading this site for 3 days now. Although, I haven’t had the strength to tell my sad sad story, this site and reading all of your insightful comments have helped me so much. Thank you all very much! I wanted you to take a look at a couple songs that I think describe a spath to the tee.
One is called “Stupid Boy” and another is “Broken Wing”. Thank you!!
My sociopath ex used to talk about ..”you see when it comes to matters of the heart” like she was referring to love. She is the most unscrupulous tricky devious con artist I have ever seen in my entire live. She paint the greatest pictures and images in the world.According to her, her daughter got full scholarship to high school and now 3 years after she left the school is suing me for tuition. She is the master of crookedness lies and Lord she’s FRAUDULENT!!!!!!!!!! She is good at what she does and it will take a little while to find her out. By the time she is found out she will have already have done so much damage. It is only a matter of time before enough people discover her and she run out of hiding places. She ran away from jamaica island and scam her way into getting a green card. Lord have mercy on all those people whose information and business she has to handle in the card business. I am wondering what will be her next move after she shall have been discovered and her mask fall off in creighton pa. Allegany County has a guest coming. Likewise the man/men who fall pre to her.
Hi a b welcome to the site 🙂
Is she still in your life right now?
This article is not fair and is classifying all sociopaths as bad people with bad intentions when that is very entirely false. There are “good” sociopaths that don’t use their gifts to manipulate people for their own selfish gain. Granted, we are all selfish due to lacking certain emotions, we can still be good depending on how we were raised by our parents. I learned good morals from my parents, and I would never hurt someone for my own personal gain, as easily as I could do it. I obtain happiness through the people who care about me such as my friends and family being happy. Although I can’t reciprocate the love they give me, I would still do anything for them and they know that. Granted 9/10 sociopaths don’t have as good of morals as me, but you still can’t judge everyone to be the same. It’s not fair.
🙂 🙂 🙂
Oh good Lord 😂😂😂😂
I love how they always say why do you make us all out to be bad??? 🙂 🙂
The flowery language. Word salad. Spontaneous amnesia. Sickos.
YES so true!! Or they may present as someone with Aspergers…something is off in the intonation. Language is not coming from emotion or from their social group…it comes from a different place and can feel “off.” Flowery language…so true!!
“It feels like this is what I’ve done everything for. All my life, all of the experiences. Every little drop of personal development has led me to distill myself for finding you, holding you, pushing you and you doing the same for me. I keep thinking about how I love every part of you I’ve seen so far. I keep having this strange feeling. The type of feeling that makes me understand why people believe in gods. That this is simply right.”
“The love is strong and pure, like something I haven’t felt. Not hyperbole either, or mistaking my feelings as novel and different merely because they are recent. It’s a feeling, like a velvet glowing spring alight in the distance of some dark cave that hasn’t seen this light or any other. It’s pouring. Warming. And to be quite honest, f-ing weird. I’m not merely falling for you, you surround me; and my love, beautiful though it already is, continues to grow in bizarre yet supremely satisfying ways.”
“Our every exchange pushes me further towards the most exhilarating feeling. It’s like knowing a child will be born (this man hates infants but knows I love them and am a mother); it’s not here but you actively wait with increasing anticipation. My whole life I’ve been a dreamer, yet realistic. I want my dream to come true as everyone does…I want to make that dream a reality. I imagine the wind of the stratosphere, maybe “feel” it for just a second, but then open my eyes to my feet planted firmly on terra firma. So I have made it my duty to create personal airplanes. Living buildings. And the spiritual technology (he’s a hard atheist) to get ever higher. The feeling that grows every time we talk, it’s magical. I feel like with you by my side and me yours, we’ll make our skies much closer. Maybe more than that…”
The sociopath shit that I became deeply entangled with sent me the above after a month of dating in person (4 months of knowing each other total after meeting online). He’d eventually come to tell me about how he callously beat his ex-wife and then left her, gave a woman an STD, cheated on many others without remorse and sexually assaulted a gay male target he was sleeping with.
Our exchanges went on like this even as he was devaluing me (he’d call me gendered slurs if he sensed that I would not be manipulated by him) and scanning for new targets. He talked to me like this even after raping me. He talked like this intermittently for a year after discarding me and finding a more easily manipulated target/GF (who he was emotionally traumatizing privately).
Oh they are wordsworths alright. I always thought he should have either been an actor – or a male escort. Nobody could do drama, lies, serenades like he did. Like shakespear. Minus the credibility. I am sorry that you have been through this. It is so tough to realise that you have been duped and conned. It sounds like you have escaped from a very toxic individual.