When the relationship comes to an end. You will find that trying to move on with your life, is almost impossible, as you are sent relentless emails, texts, contact on social networking sites, and even turning up at your home.
Remember earlier, when he bombarded you in the beginning, it is the same now, at the end. Only this time the bombardment is negative, spiteful, relentless anger and venom. You can be left feeling that there is nothing left of you, an empty shell, how are you going to cope? You don’t even have enough strength to fight back anymore. You feel dead inside.
Establishing No Contact
When the relationship with the sociopath (or with anyone with a disordered mind) comes to an end, it is important to establish No Contact. No contact means:
- Do NOT open emails
- Block their number from your phone
- Do not read texts
- Block them from your social networking sites
- You might decide to go no contact with mutual friends too – as it is about cutting contact
- Put all memories of them, photos, gifts, anything associated with them in a box, and put it away
- Have no contact, no communication at all, if you get tempted, call a friend instead, or do something else, the urge will go
It means to have absolutely no contact at all. This can be quite frightening to do. Especially if this person has isolated you from people who were close to you. You might feel that he has become your life, after all he worked so hard to be the centre of your world.
You might feel that he is all that you have left in your world. But remember with him, you had nothing anyway. it was all an illusion. All a lie, designed to manipulate you, control you and use you for what they needed. So, really you are losing nothing.YOU CANNOT LOSE WHAT YOU DO NOT HAVE!
It is likely that attempts to make contact will escalate when you try to escape fully. But keep going.
The benefits of establishing No contact:
- You will focus your energy on healing you
- Your ex will not be able to hurt you further
- You will seek out support for YOU and not be reliant on your ex
- You will let go, and start to move forward
- You will find you have TIME to pursue hobbies for YOU
- You will have time to meet new friends
- Most importantly you are giving yourself TIME to heal
Enjoy this time, be self indulgent. Right now, probably for the first time in a long time, you can focus on YOU, on your needs. As likely for a long you had been focusing your energy on someone else.
Establishing no contact, is the quickest way to heal. If you hold on, the only outcome will be further damage, further abuse, further control of your life. You will only delay thee inevitable So, break all contact. Get your sanity back. Get your space back.
First step you need to take
Make sure that the final contact with your ex is that you say ‘this relationship is over, and I no longer wish to be in contact with you further. I am telling you not to contact me further on xxx date and at xxx time, do not contact me, face to face, by email, text, calls, social networking” Explain that you now need time alone to heal and recover. Warn that if he does not give you this time, it would be considered harassment, and the police could be called.
What happens if I break No Contact?
If you break no contact, it is like smoking a cigarette when you have quit smoking. You go back to square one. Breaking no contact can make you feel bad. If you do give in to temptation, it is likely that you will regret it, as you will have to start again. But if you do, don’t beat yourself up about it. Try to put it behind you, and start again. Breaking no contact will not make you feel better, it will likely make you feel worse. Sometimes you have to experience this a few times to understand that breaking no contact, is only going to cause you further pain.
What if my ex contacts me?
It really depends what he wants. If you have children together, establishing totally no contact might be difficult to achieve. Make sure that you keep contact to a minimum, and keep communication business like, nothing else. If your ex needs something try to arrange for someone else to be at home, so that he can collect. Otherwise, if you do not have have children together. Block anyway that he can make contact with you.
- Block telephone number on your phone
- Block email address
- Block and delete him off your social networking sites (and do this before he can block you)
What if you see them out?
If you have to, just wave and keep on moving. There is no need to be in contact with your ex. If he tries to talk to you, make your excuses, and keep on walking. No contact means no small talk, nothing. He is no longer a part of your life.
He will not stop hounding me!
This is harassment if you have sent the warning text, giving time date and asking to no longer contact you, depending where you are in the world, call the police and make a complaint for harassment
He is telling lies about me – I want him to stop!
Unfortunately this is part of the course with a sociopath. The best way to make him stop is to completely ignore him. It will be tough going for a while, but try to stay close to those you trust, and away from those you do not. You might find at the end that you lose some’ friends’…. but to be honest, if they do not believe in you, then this is no big loss.
This is really hurting, I want to contact him!
DON’T!!! – Tips to do when you feel like this…..
- Call a friend
- Google ‘sociopath, psychopath’ read as much as you can, this will empower you
- Go to the gym, or do something active, exercise helps release endorphins
- Do something else
- Write about how you are feeling – keep a diary or set up a blog, whenever you feel like calling, write instead
- Find online support forum, talk to others who are going through the same as you. This will empower you
He owes me money – or has stolen from me, I want my things back
It is unlikely that you will ever get back what he has stolen from you. Let it go to hold on, will just create further loss.
I want to know why? Why has he done this? I need him to know he has hurt me
This is futile, you will not get answers from him. Read all you can about sociopaths online. Find support forums, where others can understand this ‘crazy’.
He doesn’t care that he has hurt you. He only cares for himself. If he pretends to care, he is lying.Talk to someone who really does care.
- Keep busy
- Focus on you
- Take one day at a time
- Yes it will hurt, but it will hurt more if you keep having him in your life – HE will hurt you
- Do exercise
- Catch up with people you haven’t seen for a while
- Try to find online support groups
- Read as much as you can (it is healing)
Good luck, and remember, that the one thing that the sociopath did, was take full control of your life. So take back your control. It will help and it will give you back the power over YOUR life.