Establish NO CONTACT!

When the relationship comes to an end. You will find that trying to move on with your life, is almost impossible, as you are sent relentless emails, texts, contact on social networking sites, and even turning up at your home.

Remember earlier, when he bombarded you in the beginning, it is the same now, at the end. Only this time the bombardment is negative, spiteful, relentless anger and venom. You can be left feeling that there is nothing left of you, an empty shell, how are you going to cope? You don’t even have enough strength to fight back anymore. You feel dead inside.

no contact 2

Establishing No Contact

When the relationship with the sociopath (or with anyone with a disordered mind) comes to an end, it is important to establish No Contact. No contact means:

  • Do NOT open emails
  • Block their number from your phone
  • Do not read texts
  • Block them from your social networking sites
  • You might decide to go no contact with mutual friends too – as it is about cutting contact
  • Put all memories of them, photos, gifts, anything associated with them in a box, and put it away
  • Have no contact,  no communication at all, if you get tempted, call a friend instead, or do something else, the urge will go

It means to have absolutely no contact at all. This can be quite frightening to do. Especially if this person has isolated you from people who were close to you. You might feel that he has become your life, after all he worked so hard to be the centre of your world.

You might feel that he is all that you have left in your world. But remember with him, you had nothing anyway. it was all an illusion. All a lie, designed to manipulate you, control you and use you for what they needed. So, really you are losing nothing.YOU CANNOT LOSE WHAT YOU DO NOT HAVE!

It is likely that attempts to make contact will escalate when you try to escape fully. But keep going.

The benefits of establishing No contact:

  • You will focus your energy on healing you
  • Your ex will not be able to hurt you further
  • You will seek out support for YOU and not be reliant on your ex
  • You will let go, and start to move forward
  • You will find you have TIME to pursue hobbies for YOU
  • You will have time to meet new friends
  • Most importantly you are giving yourself TIME to heal

Enjoy this time, be self indulgent. Right now, probably for the first time in a long time, you can focus on YOU, on your needs. As likely for a long you had been focusing your energy on someone else.

Establishing no contact, is the quickest way to heal. If you hold on, the only outcome will be further damage, further abuse, further control of your life. You will only delay thee inevitable   So, break all contact. Get your sanity back. Get your space back.

First step you need to take

Make sure that the final contact with your ex is that you say ‘this relationship is over, and I no longer wish to be in contact with you further. I am telling you not to contact me further on xxx date and at xxx time, do not contact me, face to face, by email, text, calls, social networking”  Explain that you now need time alone to heal and recover. Warn that if he does not give you this time, it would be considered harassment, and the police could be called.

What happens if I break No Contact?

If you break no contact, it is like smoking a cigarette when you have quit smoking. You go back to square one. Breaking no contact can make you feel bad. If you do give in to temptation, it is likely that you will regret it, as you will have to start again. But if you do, don’t beat yourself up about it.  Try to put it behind you, and start again.  Breaking no contact will not make you feel better, it will likely make you feel worse. Sometimes you have to experience this a few times to understand that breaking no contact, is only going to cause you further pain.

What if my ex contacts me?

It really depends what he wants. If you have children together, establishing totally no contact might be difficult to achieve. Make sure that you keep contact to a minimum, and keep communication business like, nothing else. If your ex needs something try to arrange for someone else to be at home, so that he can collect. Otherwise, if you do not have have children together. Block anyway that he can make contact with you.

  • Block telephone number on your phone
  • Block email address
  • Block and delete him off your social networking sites (and do this before he can block you)

What if you see them out? 

If you have to, just wave and keep on moving. There is no need to be in contact with your ex. If he tries to talk to you, make your excuses, and keep on walking. No contact means no small talk, nothing.  He is no longer a part of your life.

He will not stop hounding me!

This is harassment if you have sent the warning text, giving time date and asking to no longer contact you, depending where you are in the world, call the police and make a complaint for harassment

He is telling lies about me – I want him to stop! 

Unfortunately this is part of the course with a sociopath. The best way to make him stop is to completely ignore him. It will be tough going for a while, but try to stay close to those you trust, and away from those you do not. You might find at the end that you lose some’ friends’…. but to be honest, if they do not believe in you, then this is no big loss.

This is really hurting, I want to contact him! 

DON’T!!! – Tips to do when you feel like this…..

  • Call a friend
  • Google ‘sociopath, psychopath’ read as much as you can, this will empower you
  • Go to the gym, or do something active, exercise helps release endorphins
  • Do something else
  • Write about how you are feeling – keep a diary or set up a blog, whenever you feel like calling, write instead
  • Find online support forum, talk to others who are going through the same as you. This will empower you

He owes me money – or has stolen from me, I want my things back

It is unlikely that you will ever get back what he has stolen from you. Let it go to hold on, will just create further loss.

I want to know why? Why has he done this? I need him to know he has hurt me

This is futile, you will not get answers from him. Read all you can about sociopaths online. Find support forums, where others can understand this ‘crazy’.

He doesn’t care that he has hurt you. He only cares for himself. If he pretends to care, he is lying.Talk to someone who really does care.

 Top tips

  • Keep busy
  • Focus on you
  • Take one day at a time
  • Yes it will hurt, but it will hurt more if you keep having him in your life – HE will hurt you
  • Write
  • Do exercise
  • Catch up with people you haven’t seen for a while
  • Try to find online support groups
  • Read as much as you can (it is healing)

Good luck, and remember, that the one thing that the sociopath did, was take full control of your life. So take back your control. It will help and it will give you back the power over YOUR life.

Copyright 2013

147 thoughts on “Establish NO CONTACT!”

  1. I met mine in 2013. I have been stuck since. He served time in prison and I pined over him the whole time. I actually thought he gave a damn because he wrote me back a few times.I literally was waiting for him to come back. We ran into eachother and hes been coming to see me once a month. Everytime he leaves, I fall apart. He blocks my calls and text messages. He says he lives with his mother but deep down I know hes lying. He has made it very clear to me what purpose I serve to him in his life. Sex,nothing more and nothing less. He too is very attractive but I see through it. I listen to his sly little remarks and I notice how I feel when he hugs me. Its cold and insincere I feel so stupid for letting him coming back. All he brings is pain. He brings drugs around me, he jokes about raping me and acts as if he is during sex…I feel like a piece of garbage…Hes gotten worse and worse..the last time he flipped my world upside down. He found someone else. I can feel it. He even tells me,” I will always come back, you need to ask yourself why you let me in” Im probably the stupidest person in this forum. I know better. Last session we had I think I scared him because I called him on his crap. I argue and talk back and thats when I see the real him. Hell I see it all the time. I dont want to feel sad but I do. I dont want to believe it but hes a bad man and I am a stupid woman because I know it. My plan is no matter what. Dont answer the door.Ive been reading this article over and over. He discards me once a month and everytime I let him in,the pain is worse and I myself feel worthless. God help me. Im better than this. I dont want to hate him but maybe I have too. He is distancing himself more and more which is good right? Its been 2 weeks. After my behavior last time, I doubt Ill see him for awhile. I scared him away. He will be back. Because he knows when to catch me off guard. Its up to me. I have to pick up the peices and keep going. It’s going to be a hard fight but I have to be strong and just never open the door when he knocks.

    1. I know this feeling. I loved a sociopath. He’s one of the best looking guys ( smart, funny, sexy, fitness model)… I never thought that I could find anyone that good looking that would want me but my belief is that he saw someone that he could control. I don’t think I’m ugly by any means but I was competing with about 2000 fitness models on his social media. He slowly took control of my life and took away one friend at a time by making up lies about me not loving him enough and it slowly creeped to family members as well. I lost everyone in my life that was important because they saw the abuse but all I could see Is that he was the only one that really love me because that’s what he told me. If someone tried to buy me a drink he would flip out on me and call me names, horrible names such as whore and slut for simply saying thank you for the drink. This is how it started. That I was not loyal to him. I was not allowed to look in a different direction. He would go out and made me stay home by making me feel guilty. He slowly controlled every aspect of my life even my relationship with my kids. We went back-and-forth like a roller coaster. He would treat me like crap. The dog got more attention and love than I did. And when I asked for it he would Yellit me because he said I was never happy with anything that he did. Everything was turned around and life became so confusing it made me question who I am. He made me think I was crazy, told everyone that I was knot and love than I did. And when I asked for it he would Yellit me because he said I was never happy with anything that he did. Everything was turned around and life became so confusing it made me question who I am. He made me think I was crazy, told everyone that I was mentally ill because I was just like my father who was the same. I myself was abused as a child and already had low self-esteem. This me and beat me down physically, emotionally, spiritually I am mentally to the point where I wanted to die. I tried no contact but I couldn’t stay away from this beautiful man who I was so attracted to. I just couldn’t keep away. This is gone on for two years and I still sit here wanting to see him and questioning my own behaviors. Is it my fault? Am I crazy? Maybe I am mentally Ill…. even asking myself if I am a Socio path myself? This man has restrained me, stolen money, and I’m pretty sure has cheated on me many times but is very sneaky about it because he lives an hour away. He’s constantly stating that that is what I do to him so if you think you’re crazy you’re not the only one going through this and there are thousands of people just like us. I finally got a job and I’m trying to be strong enough to stay away from this man who is destroyed my life . I am slowly trying to get my friends to come back into my life but they don’t trust me because they think I will go back. I am very lonely all the time and my kids hardly ever visit me. I got a job but I am also physically not well so that does not help. I wake up and pray and I read articles such as this and I also got a new counselor that I am looking forward to seeing. I am hoping to get on antidepressants for a while until I get better and to see hope in my future with someone that will truly love me and not hurt me but it looks hopeless right now. I am being strong enough to stay away and you Cantu !!!

    2. It would help if you move far away, if that’s possible. Pray, if you believe in God. Stay strong and don’t beat yourself up over him. It’s tough, but if you are 1000 miles away, its easier. Good luck

      1. I [ray also to my Lord Jesus Christ. I will stick close to Him He has all power even over a sociapath.

  2. I’ve had no contact since being discarded a week ago. After 7 years, discarded after finding out she was in a relationship with another guy for 10 months. I found out and confronted her. She went hysterical in her house screaming and crying for me not to leave and that she loved me and wanted me. I stayed. Everything I’ve read here describes her to a T. The lying mad showering with love and then little fights to push me away. Obviously she was trying to create distance so she had an excuse not to talk to me so she could see the other guy. Anyway, the guy she is with didn’t know about me so he left when she picked me. We were great for 2 weeks after she swore she was done with him but she was texting him. He’s the one who told me she was a sociopath and to read about it. Now he’s taking her back. He told a few people when he was mad and I’ve told a few people and now there is some damage control on her end to some mutual friends. I won’t contact despite the urge but feel like we need to clear the air. She is spreading lies about me and downplaying our relationship to mutual friends and the other guy. Still maintain no contact??

    1. You should definitely NOT try to clear the air. You need to maintain no contact even though you have the urge to confront her. Any of your mutual friends will know the truth and if they don’t, they probably aren’t worth it in the end. She’s a sociapath so “clearing the air” probably wont do anything on her end anyways. It may sound silly but in the past when I’ve gone thru similar things, I would write a letter to the person I had unfinished business with to get everything off my chest. I never gave the letter to the person but it was theraputic for me. I could also read the letter later if I felt a moment of weakness and wanted to contact the person. It helped me a lot. Stay strong & good luck!!!

    2. Just run dude …. run as fast as you can … before you look for love again …love what you want in your life
      Good luck please for your heart soul and mind stay strong .

  3. I just read my May 16th 16 post. Of course 2 months later he popped up out of nowhere. I let him in. After 2 weeks of bullshit he ended up handcuffing me and putting a gun to my head. I lost my apartment and am now homeless. What a grand finale and happy discard for me. Learn from me. Run…keep these parasites far away.

  4. wow. you guys get what im going through so well. he is so so creepy and yet im addicted to him. He has DEVESTATED me and crushed my soul

  5. There is no helping a sociopath, I’ve come across a guy exactly like this article describes. It’s made me feel so much better to know I was not losing my mind. I am a kind hearted person and he pulled on that emotion with his never ending sob stories… I wondered how one person could have so much hardship going on in their lives. Thankfully I am pretty clued up on human behaviour. I have blocked this guy in every way possible and will ignore him if I ever have the unfortunate moment of bumping into him. He would bombard me with so many texts and then go silent…. just playing with my mind. Not letting me forget he existed to stop me moving on….. absolute scum. People like that will grow up sad and lonely as they will never change. Just be glad they are out of your life so you can move on….his apologies meant nothing to me in the end He went out of his way to find me whilst I was happily married, interfered with my marriage to such a point that it caused me extreme depression and confusion. People like this should come with a warning sign and they will eventually self destruct when they become old and wrinkled and realise they can’t play these games anymore. Do not give them the time of day…. manipulation at the highest order. Wasted a lot of my head space on this idiot. Wish I could go back to the start and ignore his bombarding messages through social media.

  6. I just wanted to comment after reading these, that I am stronger than I believed. I actually married a sociopath and stayed married for 13 miserable years while he sucked the life out of me. Just like DD, I almost lost everything including my mind. He was even poisoning me. Long story short, we divorced and I immediately moved on and handled my business. Even though it took some time, I got most of what I lost back on track, and without realizing it I established the no contact rule. Thankfully he married someone else, but would always contact me via voicemail maybe once or twice a year. Although he never displayed any violence towards me, he always speaks as if he has some authority. I answered one of his calls after 4 years, only for him to profess his undying love for me, and to tell me I love him??? Oh, and how happy he is with his new life and his wife loves him so much! He’s a real piece of work. I’d like to say that they’re not worth it. Work up the strength before you don’t know who you are anymore, and move on. Always remember what you went through to make sure you stay clear… Happiness can happen, but you have to put in the work to make a fresh start and Begin the journey to healing.


  7. This sight is so therapeutic! I’ve been married to a sociopath for almost 28 years and in the process for 6 years of trying to get a divorce. Sociopaths are truly manipulative, heartless, selfish, horrible individuals. They are users and abusers – the mind games are endless and unbelievable. Looking back on so many happenings, I can’t believe I am still sane. I lost the person I was but through very minimal contact, I was slowly able to discover myself again. Though I’ve come a long way, I often revisit this site as I still have difficulty accepting that the person I thought I married never existed! He continues to walk proud portraying to be such a friendly, caring humanbeing – a definite wolf in sheep’s clothing.

      1. I stayed to protect the kids and out of fright. He told me to keep my fn mouth shut and reminded me a few months ago that he always wins. His large family has no clue the person he really is and his lies are endless. His mom was his enabler. She was a liar and corrupt just like her son. He lived with her more than his wife and kids. We were and still are neighbors. I am trying to settle to get the divorce over but he keeps stalling and being difficult. I was so stressed a couple years ago that I got real sick and so had to quit the legal process for a couple years to regain my physical and mental health/strength. I am much stronger now and having discovered this blog has been my absolute God sent. I cant thank you enough! If only I had known about it years ago. The feedback is so unbeleivably accurate! Only those that have lived it, understand. I cant describe the feeling having this blog !!

  8. As horrible a marriage I had, the thought of seeing him with another woman really bothers me because looking at the friendly face he portrays, it is so easy to still see him as the person I thought I married and not the person he really is. Feedback to help me cope seeing him with another woman would greatly be appreciated.

    1. I have written a few articles about this phelicia that are on the site. To another woman he will be who just as abusive. I would imagine perhaps worse also as he would see you as main source of supply. 28 years is a long time. Often they have issues with the mother from childhood. If you have been with him so long he could see you as a mother figure to return to.

      1. I took him from his mom at 32 yrs old. There are 9 years between us. He told me many times that he needed his mom more than me. She protected his lies and corruption. When I caught on to their wrongdoings, that is when he really got angry and punished me mentally every chance he got. He is still trying to punish me because I am fighting for what is rightfully mine through the divorce process. His mom died a couple years ago so he then became all nice to me again. I didnt recipricate so he then started seeing someone a year younger than me “just to make me jealous” he said. He claims to not see her anyore but I dont believe much of what he says. He is so sly and has absolutely no conscience whatsoever.

    2. Just accept the reality, always remember u want a true love not the fake… And once u know clearly that the real love Nvr existed it shud be easy for u though tougher than being said but that’s the reality else u have to live that life again and deep u know that’s just illusion and compromise… And u know there is no compromise in love…. Try to learn not to give a shit about that sick…. This will empower u. Gud luck

      1. Thank you, Mohammad, for such encouraging feedback. You are so right – there is no denying reality – and reality is what one must focus on. I am empowered by your words – thank you once again for taking the time and caring enough to help me cope!!

  9. My ex and I have not established contact at all in a few months. If he sends me birthday wishes in a couple days should I say thank you or not acknowledge his text at all?

    1. It depends how you feel within you. What you think he is like. You could reply if it bothered you not to. Thank you for your wishes. I would like you not to contact me further. I will not respond to further messages. Then send his messages to an app to keep any further messages. But it really depends on who he is. How you feel. That is what i would do. It gives you an opportunity to take control and set a boundary. Also anticipate he might not contact anyway.

  10. I would just say “thank you” out of respect and if he texted any further I would not reply. You are right saying there is a chance he wont text and I would say he wouldnt with intentions of hoping it would hurt me. At one time it would have bothered me but discovering this site has blown oxygen into my lungs like you wouldnt believe. If only I had discovered it years ago! Thank you for giving new life to thousands of us across the world!! BIG <<<>>> to you!!

  11. One thing actually concerns me…. WHY they need us. What do they need us for – why us not the ones they – lets say – cheated with, everywhere is stated that we are the the source, that they are ‘fighting’ for us to stay when we want to leave. but WHY – if they can spot and charm etc another one.

    1. That is what I keep wondering? Also, Is there a trigger for the cycle of desire to discard? I just freshly started the no contact but have broken up 100s of times in less than 4 years. I keep wondering how much time do I have until the desire starts up because I would just like to rest my mind for a moment and have a few nights of happiness before I have to be strong again.

  12. After my final sighting he was so deranged & putrid I was forced to wait until the morning to escape home.
    I was physically sick & in shock it was a rage on Boxing Day, I ran into my house and felt so disgusted at myself for trusting him. I removed all evidence of him throwing my Christmas gifts & his left behind clothing into the bin outside.
    I have only been involved with one sociopath, I disgust myself knowing I was groomed into this vulnerable position, I trusted him despite some initial concerns I ignored my gut instinct and felt guilty for having doubts.
    Listen & trust your gut reactions, do not be polite or wait for evidence of any psychopathy social conditioning being open & polite can get people killed.

  13. I ended it with my sociopath bf , yet after 4 wks of ignoring his texts i’m still in tears , what is wrong with me? Hes a liar, a cheat and much worse , he sends me texts saying how hes madly in love with me yet at the same time hes dating new women , he makes me sick yet my head is all over the place, i’m angry i allowed this to happen to me and i’m also sad, can anyone help me through this, i’m struggling.

    1. Hi joanna, you do not say how long you were together for? 4 weeks, is such early days. Give yourself time to grief. Allowing him to be able to contact you, can make it worse, as it gives you more of him to miss and does not give yourself a chance to heal and recover.Hang in there, it takes time, but you can heal and recover.

      1. Thankyou Positivagirl , we didn’t live together but we’d been dating for 2 years when i found out he had lied about everything including his name . I blocked all ways that he could contact me and i informed the police , he just got several new phone numbers & continued to text, i’ve now changed my number. The last text i received before i changed my number said he knows i love him & he needs me to help him ‘get better’ & if i say stop dating women he will, im not stupid enough to respond or fall for it . I’m angry that he’s duping other women and again under a false name. I’m angry and hurt that i allowed this to happen to me, that i believed his lies even when i challenged him on them . I won’t break the no contact rule but i can’t stop crying. Its so hard because i’ve ended up with no friends because of him and i’m ashamed to tell my family, they wouldn’t understand.

      2. Hi Joanna, please don’t be angry with yourself. It is normal to love and to trust your partner. It is normal to want things to be right. it is normal to want things to work out, after you have invested so much time, effort, love. You are the normal one here who has been duped and conned. Anger is part of the 5 stages of grieving and the healing process. Keep working through it, It does get better. It just takes time.

    2. Joanna you will eventually stop crying. I cried nonstop for all the reasons you cried. I think I was grieving the loss of the fantasy he sold me, the sadness that I gave my life to someone that gave me so much pain, that I felt used and made a fool of, that I lost so much time and that I still had some love left for him and didn’t trust myself not to fall again. But you just keep putting on foot ahead and they just continue to carry on with the cycle. Tell your family what you think they can understand: maybe just facts and how you feel. You need your friends and family because the route to healing is long. I’m still very much in it. He just contacted me today saying to be fair to both of us we need closure and we should talk. My closure was all the crying over a last few months after he strung me along, just to ditch me last minute, stop cold all communication then took another girl a week later on our annv trip and posted how happy he was with her on social media. Now he is trying to cycle back around to lure me in again to cast more pain. The crying stops when you have no more tears and you don’t want to cry anymore but you want to survive without them making you crazy with drama and lies. You deserve happiness.

      1. Thankyou Jen and thankyou Positivagirl, your responses and words have helped me to see that I am not alone .
        After a particularly bad sleepless night spent crying I awoke with this thought in my head “Why the hell are you moping around, crying over some asshole that only saw you as an asset to his game & not as a person, he may say hes crying but hes out there tending to his ego with other women, conning them under a fake name because the real him couldn’t even reel a fish in ”
        If a nice memory does creep into my head I quickly replace it with all the nasty things he did to me . I refuse to be a victim, cemetaries are full of them & i am not giving anyone the power to put me there!!
        Instead of my kind, caring nature overcompensating for his inadequacies, i’m going to use my nature on myself, be good to myself and accept that i have to learn from this by not ignoring the red flags or by making excuses for anyone anymore. Knowing there are people on here with the same experiences and knowing that if i am feeling weak i can turn to you all and instead of making me weaker you all give me strength and i cannot thank you enough. This website is helping me to stay sane and safe !!

  14. Thankyou Positivagirl , for sharing your experiences and for such detailed articles. It’s very important that people know that there is always an ’emergency exit’ and that not all doors are closed to them . This website IS that emergency exit.

  15. I was with this man for over a year and a half, lived together for about 9 mos. There were always red flags and I knew the relationship was very unhealthy, but I blinded myself because I loved him and accepted him as a broken man. I thought with time my love could heal him. I started to think I was the crazy one and I felt emotionally stuck, I hated myself for not being able to leave. I just wanted him so desperately to love me back. A couple of months ago we found out we were pregnant, he started making his usual promises and I thought finally things were getting better until I decided to go through his phone. I found out he had been in a relationship with a woman for 2 years and had promised to marry her, everything he had ever bought me was with her money. He was dating other women also, doing drugs, renting hotel rooms and hooking up with random women. When I confronted him he denied it and became violent, he broke things in my home and hit me, and stormed out. I texted back and forth with this woman and we began to piece the nightmare together. I hacked into his social media and found out even more disturbing things, that’s when it clicked it was all a lie and this man is a sociopath. It is beyond cheating, he lied, manipulated, conned, violated and abused me, with no empathy for anyone. I haven’t had any contact for a week and a half and absolutely want nothing to do with him. I’m scared because I am having his child and he knows where to find me. I’m going through an emotional roller coaster, anger, sadness, hurt, disgust, confusion. I feel lost and broken. I know I want nothing to do with him, but all of my energy was devoted to him that I don’t known what to do with myself. I know it will take time but I’m desperate for healing, I wish I could erase him from my soul. I keep having dreams of him, I keep playing the story over and over in my head, I have crying spells and panic attacks. I want this nightmare to end.

    1. It is a horrible journey but it will end u r stronger then these monsters and if u have faith in god he will help u this is an evil vile humanbeing and remember good coconcors all evil coma too these nut bags is what will preveil becareful and god bless

  16. I’ve never encountered anyone like this. And now I’m on my sixth time of trying to break up with him and I’ve established no contact and he emails me like nothing happened like want to go to the beach. It’s been a roller coaster every time I break up with him for his lies he shows up at my job my house and sucks me back in but not after this last time. I’m done… after our last break up he slept with someone and lied and we were going to try a clean slate until her friend texted me and told me and sent me all the screen shots. TheThing is he’s dropped her twice as soon as I agreed to work on things and after she told me he was so mad at them and the things he called her after knowing her a month I would never continue to talk to him. He’s never done that to me still but she continues to try to help him. I knew at the moment after I was mad , hurt but done. He’ll get the point eventually

    1. He does this because he doesn’t have a conscience, guilt, remorse or shame. He simply doesn’t feel that way. I really hope that you are done. As it doesn’t get better. The outcome is always the same.

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