Image www.wphotographs.com
It can be tough when you have come out of a relationship with a sociopath. I wrote earlier about the five stages of bereavement, that you know that you are truly the other side of the bereavement, when you hit stage 5 Acceptance. If you haven’t read that article these are the 5 stages again.
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
I wrote in that article how you do not always go through those feelings in any particular order. But the final stage is always acceptance.
How do you know you are at the final stage of recovery?
You know that you are at the final stage of acceptance, when you can not only let go, you feel no bitterness. You don’t hold onto bitterness, or negative emotions about what has happened to you. Often you can see things in a spiritual context (although not always).
Most importantly, despite what this person has done to you. You let go with love. By the time that you reach acceptance, you should feel free. You should feel relieved that you no longer have someone who is controlling your life, and causing damage behind the scenes.
You would have, hopefully, read enough, and understood enough about sociopaths to be able to see it for what it is. That the sociopath follows a pattern of behaviour, which is the same pattern that all sociopaths followed.
There is no need to feel anger towards the sociopath. It wasn’t personal against you. It is just the way that they are. They would have done this before in the past, and they will do this again in the future. There is nothing that you could have done or said, to have made things better. The outcome would have always been the same.
I strongly believe that people come into our lives for a reason. Although sometimes, I do still struggle with why I met the person that I did in 2010. Maybe I was meant to understand about psychopaths and sociopaths, so that I could write about it. Maybe I will change my work, and move from working with homeless people, to working with women fleeing these relationships, focusing on healing and recovery. Whatever the reason, it has happened, because of the last relationship, I now understand and I can let it go with peace.
To get to the point of acceptance, you often have to go through the previous four stages, and feel those emotions, to be able to let go.
Those who continue to say how much they hate their ex, and how angry they still are about what happened, are still in the process of recovery. Acceptance means peace. Peace within yourself. It means that you have been through the recovery process, and are now at peace.
Hatred will only keep the sociopath as part of you. It is negative. Only when you let it go, with love, when you wish them well, and you wish them happiness, and you know in your heart, that it is a disorder, that you cannot change. That it is NOT a part of you. Will you find inner peace and happiness again.
It is when you reach acceptance, that you are ready to be with somebody new. To start your life again. To begin to trust. Moving into another relationship before you are at the acceptance stage, would likely be starting a relationship with unstable foundations. It is likely to be a rebound relationship, and therefore also unlikely to not workout, bringing further pain.
To get to acceptance, you need to love yourself. To forgive yourself. To also let go with love the sociopath. Wishing them well on their journey.
This might seem a difficult thing to achieve. Particularly if the sociopath, is harassing or stalking you. How can you let go? Again, this is back to No contact, and allowing yourself to go through the motions of bereavement.
Also be realistic. The longer that you were with the person, the longer it will take to heal. The sociopath not only morphs into you, but by their consistent control they force you to morph into them. Which is why you feel such a sense of loss, when there is discard and the relationship is over. It is because you feel like you have lost a part of yourself.
This is just an illusion, you cannot lose part of yourself. Not for any length of time, it is always there. It is just finding you again. How to find the beauty within you.
Nobody else can make you happy. Nobody else will complete you. For you, are already, on your own fully complete and whole. Go through the bereavement journey. Learn as much as you can, understand as much as you can. When you read page like my website, and you recognise the person that you were dating too, know that this was not your fault. Really neither is it the sociopaths, it is just the way that they are.
You cannot change them, they struggle to change themselves. Most do not want to either. You cannot give someone a conscience when they do not have one. You cannot make someone else who they are not. You cannot change the sociopath – but you can change you.
Words © datingasociopath.com
Dating a Sociopath 
I love this section! I also believe that people come into our lives for a reason. One such example is a new friend who knew my ex and made the statement “he is a sociopath, just like my ex husband. I had not heard the term “sociopath” before and immediately started researching this. I was stunned, this was a moment of complete clarity for me..because this WAS my life.
Now understanding that I never had a chance, has helped expidite my healing process!
I love your site, for the support and help you have to offer is truly a blessing.
I do know now that I will NEVER ALLOW this to happen to me again!
Thank you so much for your counsel, greatly appreciated!
You are welcome Sandra, welcome to the site. I hope you find support and healing here 🙂
No, sorry I do not wish him well in his journey, because the 52,000 he owes me won’t let me, I refuse to allow him to ride off into the sunset with another woman after I paved the way for the good credit score, I found the beautiful homes to live in, I did all the hard work. NO I want him to suffer and go back to his sorry 430 credit score like when I met him, I want to save my money and raise my son alone without having to pay for him, his ex and his son. I want my life back, so NO there is no “wish him well” I wish him to go back under the rock from where he slithered out in the first place, broke and alone! I will never EVER leave the stage of anger until I get my money. EVER!
I hear you loud and clear! I hear you. I hear that you want this money back. From my experience though, unless you have a contract (and even if you have that), it can be very difficult to get money back. That is a lot of money that is owed to you.
No, you can’t wish someone like that well. I understand your anger, and that you feel cheated, duped, conned. I can understand your anger. He likely will go back to his poor credit score, while you, are likely to rebuild, both your life and your finances. I am sorry that this has happened to you.
I wish I had found this site 2 years ago. During my entire relationship I felt like I was walking around with a giant question mark over my head going “What just happened?”. When I first found this site, and it was only a few weeks ago, for the first time I felt empowered. I finally knew what I was dealing with. It gave me a weird sense of hope that I would better be able to help our relationship by understanding him. It also gave me a healthy dose of reality that it wouldn’t last much longer. Now that the relationship is over, it’s so much easier to let go because I’m already at the final stage. There were no tears this time. No wondering how he could be so heartless, cruel, and careless. I don’t even miss him. Even though the damage is done, I have learned a lot about myself. Instead of focusing on the damage, which I cannot change, I put myself in therapy to solve the issues that left me open to someone like him in the first place. It’s such an odd concept, but his game and lack of love for me, has made me love myself all the more. I’m going to come out of this the best version of me that I ever have been. And I look forward to it more and more every day.
This is good to read Michelle. Welcome to the site! 🙂
Thank you so much for your positive outlook on the final breakup, and the visual with the question mark… really hit home that this doesn’t have to be devastating, but can be a learning experience. I’m at my final breakup now after two years of being screwed over and charmed back, and because of your encouraging story I feel excited! Starting therapy on Wednesday so with guidance I’m hopeful that I will be even stronger than before ‘Prince Charming’ came along. Good luck to you, and thanks.
Thank you so much for your blog. I feel like it has really helped me with my transition into the Acceptance stage. Not 100% there, because I do have bouts of anger and sadness toward all that I was put through but everyday really does get better. I immediately reached out to everyone close to me when I ended the relationship and the overwhelming love and support I received showed me that I was going to be okay and that I had the strength to move past all of this. It’s been 4.5 months since the 2.3 year relationship ended and I haven’t felt this happy in years, even while with him. The intense beginning that comes with dating a sociopath is just not worth it to me if it isn’t real. I think the biggest struggle for me has been trusting men in general- whether ones I have felt an emotional or intimate connection with or men I come into contact with on a daily basis. Trust is something that has to be earned, though, and I realize it will be a factor of my healing process. Again, thank you so much for all that you do, you’ve touched so many lives and helped so many of us, it’s truly incredible.
What a very kind comment. Thank you Jes am so happy to hear that you are moving onto a different part of your life. Yes, I think that learning to trust again, can be a difficult thing to do. Which is why it is important afterwards as much as possible to keep your world small. Contain people in that world, that love you. Hopefully being around those people you will start to learn to trust again. To believe again that love can be unconditional (afterall it comes from not only our personal relationships, but also from close family and friends). If you don’t feel ready, maybe this is you telling yourself that you need more time to heal. That unless you meet the right person, no thank you. Otherwise, it is like saying once you have had one car crash when do you want another.
How long had you been reading the site for? I really appreciate your comments. Thank you! 🙂
Thank you
I cant thank you enough for your note on healing, I am beginning my journey, its hard, but navigable, your note is a ray of light showing me the way.
Thank You
I am still married to my sociopath. 17 years. My friend kept telling me he was a sociopath and after 17 years I decided to Google what a sociopath was. He meets every single description that I ever read. I finally was financially ready to leave 2 months ago. But I cry and miss him everyday. Yet everyday I find out something hurtful he has done to me. I treated him like a king. Come to find out he was using me for the whole time. He was so charming and lovable to my face. The holidays are tough and I miss him. Please offer me some advice and help.
I believe I am married to a sociopath, I found out that years ago he cheated on me while I was pregnant with our second child. we have been together eight years. He left his wife for me, blamed her becayse she did not want to work it out if he had feelings for another woman. I was young and naieve when we got together, grew up very sheltered never had a boyfriend until him. He was my first love. I dont even kow what a normal relayionship is supposed to be like. I go back and forth with wanting to leave, but he knows so well how to reach my heart. Even though my faith in him is less than ever, Im afraid of being alone. U wonder uf he is the only person that would ever be willing to marry me. Im a very attractive woman but I also have emotio.al issues. im obsessive and have borderline personality disorder. I am so confused. Every time I try to talk about my feelings and how he hurts me he refuses to aknoledge my feelings. please help.
Hi damaged, it is tough if this is your first relationship, as you have nothing else to compare the relationship with, and no reference of ‘normal’.
It is normal for people with BPD, to fear being alone. What other support do you have? Do you have support other people? Have you had counselling or therapy at all to talk about your feelings?
Very helpful! Thank you very much for your encouraging words!
It nice to know I’m not alone and that it’s not my fault. He really is a sociopath that was bent and still is on trying to destroy my life. I’m still in anger stage and want my daughter back and my property. He really meant it when he said I was just a vehicle to bring my daughter into the world and I could leave now.
Oh Laura, I am so sorry that this has happened to you. How utterly devastating. How did he get to keep your house and have custody of your daughter? Horrific. You are not alone. It isn’t your fault. He is a sick in the mind man. Who targets people to get what he wants. Is your child safe?
I don’t know where to start with moving on. . . im all over the place emotionally and lost. . . I cant even get through my day to day activities without crying, I have no real support from friends. I feel so alone.
You are not alone. There are so many that understand you and your story. Read the comments …