It can be tough when you have come out of a relationship with a sociopath. I wrote earlier about the five stages of bereavement, that you know that you are truly the other side of the bereavement, when you hit stage 5 Acceptance. If you haven’t read that article these are the 5 stages again.
I wrote in that article how you do not always go through those feelings in any particular order. But the final stage is always acceptance.
How do you know you are at the final stage of recovery?
You know that you are at the final stage of acceptance, when you can not only let go, you feel no bitterness. You don’t hold onto bitterness, or negative emotions about what has happened to you. Often you can see things in a spiritual context (although not always).
Most importantly, despite what this person has done to you. You let go with love. By the time that you reach acceptance, you should feel free. You should feel relieved that you no longer have someone who is controlling your life, and causing damage behind the scenes.
You would have, hopefully, read enough, and understood enough about sociopaths to be able to see it for what it is. That the sociopath follows a pattern of behaviour, which is the same pattern that all sociopaths followed.
There is no need to feel anger towards the sociopath. It wasn’t personal against you. It is just the way that they are. They would have done this before in the past, and they will do this again in the future. There is nothing that you could have done or said, to have made things better. The outcome would have always been the same.
I strongly believe that people come into our lives for a reason. Although sometimes, I do still struggle with why I met the person that I did in 2010. Maybe I was meant to understand about psychopaths and sociopaths, so that I could write about it. Maybe I will change my work, and move from working with homeless people, to working with women fleeing these relationships, focusing on healing and recovery. Whatever the reason, it has happened, because of the last relationship, I now understand and I can let it go with peace.
To get to the point of acceptance, you often have to go through the previous four stages, and feel those emotions, to be able to let go.
Those who continue to say how much they hate their ex, and how angry they still are about what happened, are still in the process of recovery. Acceptance means peace. Peace within yourself. It means that you have been through the recovery process, and are now at peace.
Hatred will only keep the sociopath as part of you. It is negative. Only when you let it go, with love, when you wish them well, and you wish them happiness, and you know in your heart, that it is a disorder, that you cannot change. That it is NOT a part of you. Will you find inner peace and happiness again.
It is when you reach acceptance, that you are ready to be with somebody new. To start your life again. To begin to trust. Moving into another relationship before you are at the acceptance stage, would likely be starting a relationship with unstable foundations. It is likely to be a rebound relationship, and therefore also unlikely to not workout, bringing further pain.
To get to acceptance, you need to love yourself. To forgive yourself. To also let go with love the sociopath. Wishing them well on their journey.
This might seem a difficult thing to achieve. Particularly if the sociopath, is harassing or stalking you. How can you let go? Again, this is back to No contact, and allowing yourself to go through the motions of bereavement.
Also be realistic. The longer that you were with the person, the longer it will take to heal. The sociopath not only morphs into you, but by their consistent control they force you to morph into them. Which is why you feel such a sense of loss, when there is discard and the relationship is over. It is because you feel like you have lost a part of yourself.
This is just an illusion, you cannot lose part of yourself. Not for any length of time, it is always there. It is just finding you again. How to find the beauty within you.
Nobody else can make you happy. Nobody else will complete you. For you, are already, on your own fully complete and whole. Go through the bereavement journey. Learn as much as you can, understand as much as you can. When you read page like my website, and you recognise the person that you were dating too, know that this was not your fault. Really neither is it the sociopaths, it is just the way that they are.
You cannot change them, they struggle to change themselves. Most do not want to either. You cannot give someone a conscience when they do not have one. You cannot make someone else who they are not. You cannot change the sociopath – but you can change you.
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