A sociopath hates to be confronted about their lies. The lie is their cover. It is the cloak that a sociopath wears as a mask to the outside world. A sociopath hides behind its lies. Lies give them power. It gives the power to manipulate and deceive. Sociopaths take pleasure from manipulating people.
The most important thing to a sociopath is CONTROL. A sociopath hates to lose control. When you confront a sociopath about a lie, when you have gained the evidence, and confront them, they will do the following.
1. Change the subject
2. Become angry
3. Deflect (well what about x y z)?
They will REFUSE to confess to the lie. And will do anything to protect the lie. The lie is their friend. It is behind the lie that they feel safe.
And if you dare accuse the sociopath of something that they DIDN’T do. Because after all of the lies, you quite rightfully do not trust them, who would? They will go on and on and on about how you accused them of something that they didn’t do. They will repeat this for weeks. They use the accusation where you got it wrong, to ‘prove’ how you always get it wrong. If you accuse them of something that they didn’t do, and they prove this to you, they will use your poor judgement over and over as evidence that they are now telling the truth. ‘but you got that wrong, remember, you always accuse me of things that I do not do?’ Sociopaths are great at deflection.
Everyone tells lies every now and again. White lies ‘Sorry I am late…..’ to your boss or ‘I can’t come to xxx because xxx’…. we all do this.
A sociopath however is different. A sociopath tells lies habitually, pathologically. What this means is that they lie all of the time. Most of what they say is not the truth. The sociopath lies deliberately to manipulate and deceive, and mislead you. When the sociopath is lying they have no care about your welfare, or your needs. They are simply thinking of their own selfish needs, what they can get. Or, to derail you, so that they can maintain their secret private life. The truth leaves a bitter taste in their mouth.
A sociopath will tell lies about everything. From what they ate for breakfast, to how much money they have, to what happened in their past. They will tell the most incredible lies.
There is a saying ‘the bigger the lie, the more believable it is’. The sociopath would think nothing of telling you that somebody was dying of cancer (even themselves) if it suited their own needs. Sociopaths love to play the victim, to gain your empathy and kindness. Playing victim, they have further manipulation and control over you. They lie when often it would be far easier to tell the truth. There is no sense to it. They do not think ‘obviously this lie will be found out’ this doesn’t matter. What is important is using the lie to get what they want and to stay behind the mask of deception. Sociopaths use illusion to create confusion.
Sociopaths like to win. They like to get what they want. They will lie and betray your trust, to use you, and to get what they want from you. You might wonder, but why are you lying about this? Sociopath’s create problems that do not need to be there in the relationship. They tell lies, that are obviously going to be found out at some point in the future. This does not bother them, as they get a rush of endorphines to the brain, from lying and conning.
If the sociopath makes the promise to you, that they will stop telling lies, and will be honest, if they confess to lies from the past, and promise not to lie again, they think one thing – if you believe that line. Sucker!! …. it won’t be very long before the sociopath is lying pathologically again. If you visualise how difficult it would be for you to constantly tell a lie, all of the time. This is how it is with sociopaths. Even if they meant it, that they would stop lying, they would tell one lie, get away with it, and be believed, they would get a high from lying to you, and getting away with it. From this, more lies are told, and the lies increase within a short period of time. Until the sociopath is once again living the life of illusion behind the mask. Almost full time.
You cannot trust a liar. Whilst you might at first feel sorry for the sociopath as they tell you their victim stories. You might feel sorry for them, and their troubled past, and make excuses for their behaviour. This is time wasted, as the sociopath who is prepared to lie to you, will also lie about you. Trying to help the sociopath is pointless, as when they are done with you, they will lie about you, and think nothing of ruining your reputation. The sociopath will then go further, to make YOU out to be the liar. The sociopath will stop at nothing to achieve their own ends.
Also see Catching the Sociopath in the lie
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Dating a Sociopath 
Ah, the lies.
Like when he said I was smoking all the cigarettes and so I switched brands – no more blaming me when he ran out and I didn’t.
When he said “yes, honey I love you, go to counseling and get help” implying he wanted me to be better – and after the first session “WTF do you need that for”
How do you know when they lie? Every time their lips are moving. I’m still, four years after, thinking of little things that were lies – amazing how stuff just pops into your head after so long.
Ah the counselling. He faked that he was seeing a counsellor. Every Tuesday. For months. This is how crazy it is…. he KNEW that I had completed Counselling training. Yet he lied to me about it. Of course I was going to know he was lying when he said that his counsellor was going to send a survey to me asking questions about him. I said, er no, that wouldn’t happen. He swore it was true. That I should wait for the questionaire to come in the post. The lies became even more elaborate when he then said he was going off for hypnotherapy. The counsellor knew he was a sociopath and was going to fix him 🙂 🙂 …. so ridiculous, you can but laugh.
Yes, mine too faked the meetings with the psychologist, and later he faked weekly meetings with a psychiatrist. He also faked for months that he was diagnosed with major depression, and he faked that he was under heavy therapy to cure major depression. Then, he would fake to be terminally sick. These are just typical lies usually told by psychopaths.
yes!
If their mouths are open ,they are lying! I can’t get rid of my Ex.I have divorced him in 2/ 2010 .He still tells people, I’m his wife! We have a son ,I feel so bad for my son! He has ruined my life bad!!He has tried to kill me.(& I put FRO on and the cops lost or courthouse lost it But that paper means nothing to him! I can’t date anyone but he will brag abt. Hoes.I wish he would find someone else!( But, then I’ll feel bad for that person!)He will not leave me alone!! Always goes to jai (but not lately ,I wish! My body is killing me from being beat on from him. I have a older son and when he was little ,my son was 7, back when and he said DONT DATE HIM!(My son was right!) He treated my other son crappy and now my son life got screwed up! !He uses our son as a pawn! Blames me that I need help! I’m the nut!! Where’s a part where I can find how to get rid of him!?I’m blowing him off now and just ignoring him no matter what he says or texts ,calls etc… I pray for everyone out there dealing w/this! I’m afraid to date now seems like there are so many out there!? I didn’t even realize how many people are involved in this nightmare! ,I feel like just disappearing!!Any advice esp. for my child b/c he tries to use him and talks crap on me? (And the whole family is like him ,they lie and believe it!) I wish I could go back in time so bad! I can wish my life away! But it’s not helping I know! Please! Anyone with any advice to get him out of my life for good! Thank you for listening!! Amanda
Hi Amanda, I edited your comment as it gave your full name. This is a long time for you to be going through this. I know this as my daughter died Jan 2010…. 4 years is a long time. I am sorry that you are going through this. It is so difficult when you have a child with him, you might find the post and comments on co-parenting with a male sociopath useful. You can find this post by typing in co-parenting with a male sociopath into the search engine. Welcome to the site 🙂
Amanda – I’m there too. I have an order of protection he has violated about 20 times (no kidding) and because he has so artfully manipulated the cops – he never gets locked up because if he’s not beating me – he’s OK then. Best advice (I have a degree in psychology and have been in intensive counseling for over 18 months) do NOT engage him. No matter how bad you want to text back a plethora or curses. (I know this and have fallen weak at times). My counselor often uses the analogy – I’m jumping into the boxing ring and he stands at the ropes with a smile. Never try to figure out WHY a true sociopath does something – they just…do. Their agenda is larger than what a typical person can imagine and a moral core is simply absent. Even as far as treatment for mental health diseases and disorders – sociopathic personalities are often deemed as “untreatable” as – without a moral core / center – there is no place to build from.
Now here’s the part you will really not like – it will be long difficult t get him out of your life for good. I can’t give you a reason why, other than sociopaths just do. I was so happy when I found out my ex was screwing another woman and he still wouldn’t go away. There is a court order where it states he is not allowed to see or speak to me or our children – he has not seen the kids in over a year – he still will not go away. I have moved, closed all joints accounts, stopped engaging him for so many moths – he has still not gone away. If his life were to improve he will still stalk – and if it is going down the tubes – he will blame – as sociopaths always do. I cannot tell you how to get rid of him – there is no formula – but start with proper knowledge and go to reliable websites that explain sociopathic behaviors such as WebMD, the American Psychological Association, or the DSM (Diagnostic Statistical Manual). Here is an except you may find helpful…
http://www.md-health.com/Sociopath-Traits.html
Sociopath Traits
Sociopathy or antisocial personality disorder is defined as mental health condition in which a person has a long-term pattern of manipulating, exploiting, or violating the rights of others. There are many characteristic Sociopath Traits and the defining criteria are listed here.
Medically, sociopathy is termed as antisocial personality disorder. It is defined as “a mental health condition in which a person has a long-term pattern of manipulating, exploiting, or violating the rights of others.”
The exact cause of sociopathy is not known. However, it is believed to result from complex interaction of genetic and environmental factors (e.g. child abuse, alcoholic parents). Sociopathy is much more common in men as compared to women.
Sociopath Traits
Various hallmark sociopath traits are listed below. It is important to note that not all traits will be present in all the “sociopaths”.
According to ICD-10 criteria, presence of 3 or more of the following qualifies for the diagnosis of antisocial personality disorder (~sociopathy):
1.Callous unconcern for the feelings of others.
2.Gross and persistent attitude of irresponsibility and disregard for social norms, and obligations.
3.Incapacity to maintain enduring relationships, though having no difficulty in establishing them.
4.Very low tolerance to frustration, a low threshold for discharge of aggression, including violence.
5.Incapacity to experience guilt or to profit from experience, particularly punishment.
6.Markedly prone to blame others or to offer plausible rationalization for the behavior that has brought the person into conflict with society.
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM IV-TR) is another widely used tool for the diagnosis and it defines sociopath traits as:
A) Pervasive pattern of disregard for and violation of the rights of others occurring since age 15 years, as indicated by three or more of the following:
1.Failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest
2.Deception, as indicated by repeatedly lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure
3.Impulsiveness or failure to plan ahead
4.Irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults
5.Reckless disregard for safety of self or others
6.Consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations
7.Lack of remorse as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another
B) The individual is at least age 18 years.
C) There is evidence of conduct disorder with onset before age 15 years.
D) The occurrence of antisocial behavior is not exclusively during the course of schizophrenia or a manic episode.
Amanda – good luck – your going to need it 😦
Again fantastic comment Christine. Thank you.
Amanda, I have an x-wife that in some ways is like this but she is a very high functioning, legalistic, religious, very intelligent, talented and attractive psychopath. Runner up to Miss North Dakota which is a red flag in itself but a group of girls who were like my sisters, I had lived with convinced me she wasn’t what I thought of pageant women. I was such a sucker because years later when our divorce process started, I approached these women who were married and they all said they did not even know my x, they knew me. Yes, upsetting but I have learned life is not always what we dream for ourselves, even if we follow a christian path. I also found these types are attracted to church ignorance to these issues.
Men go through similar things as you have described and may not fear the physical abuse as women but the emotional lying, gas lighting and psychological abuse is so stressful and daily exposure to fight or flight draining abuse. Dealing with someone who is the center of society with charming and playing an excessive and distorted victim mentality or lying that they are still married to you, while being an effective nurse of esteem, these women are possibly more scary for men without the psychical. Only my judgement, so don’t be offended, I did not live your story. Women more likely to be believed at some higher level then men. So that will be a positive for you going through this.
How characters like this control; They gaslight and abuse you into something you are not and that person you have become looks unhealthy and CRAZY. In that form, it is very difficult to raise beyond the societal negative affect they have had on you or described to others about you. Books like CRAZY MAKERS, are helpful to help you realize you are absolutely in a crazy state not because of something you have done wrong but because of the intense abuse you have been connected with for years. These types are like tics or parasites that collect hosts to bleed narcissist supply from and they will try any way to keep you in there life through lying, degrading or beyond. I have had a few professionals say, don’t run from your own story and while you are rebuilding yourself with help from a good friend, family, experienced counselor and building health activity in life, to never drop your story. Yes, you must read the social setting you are in but repeating that story or exposing valid documented truth, over time this will help others entranced in this persons behaviors and false narrative, to see the truth. I have around 50 books on these personality disorders. Researching and learning from others stories does help but better to focus on improving your mind, emotional wellbeing and life outside that drama. Once you rebuild yourself, your x’s story will fade fast. Anyone who had doubted you, will start re-entering your life with love and support.
Nurses are one of the highest fields for psychopath, BiPolar and Borderline Personality Disorder. Why; Because these types thrive in repeated narcissist supply and chaos. They can be great nurses and get a new supply of patients and families thanking them every few days. Far majority of nurses are absolutely wonderful. After two years of exposure to my x, I was diagnosed with ALL Leukemia and had a Marrow transplant. My x went through it with me only in a public way. Once we returned home, she was gone. She kept saying she could do a better job then each one of the nurses I had and just years before I started divorce process, she completed her nursing degree. The narcissism is obvious when she never appreciated the nurses helping me and always saw herself as better.
I have been through this and it has taken around 2 years to get to the starting point of what I am describing.
I have also found these sites to be safe because psychopaths are not looking for help, won’t go to counseling, won’t take medication if prescribed, don’t want to try to help anyone but themselves, they don’t care about anyone suffering through dealing with them.
Encouragement; You are definitely suffering and your head is in a draining spin state that is hard to control, you just want relief. Amanda, you are a gift to this world and once you get through this you will be a gem to your kids and so helpful to others going through this.
If you are still dealing with divorce or custody issues, like me, purchase the best book on this topic, SPLITTING.
I can feel your pain and even your misspelled words and issues with grammar, shows you are really struggling. No Worries, I was there to. When I would write for help years ago, I was so drained and convinced there was no way out, that I struggled to write with clarity.
Hope this is helpful and someday you will be helping so many, just know there are so many that have gone through this and you did the first step, reaching out for help.
Thank you for taking such time to write your comment Brent. Also for your kindness and empathy.
Let be more than clear. I married a man who is a sociopath – and this is not my opinion – but the results of a battery of psychological tests. After being separated for 20 months I have discovered slowly but surely that EVERYTHING he told me was a lie. It’s sickening and does not end. Assume that the sociopath in your life told you a lie EVERY time he / she spoke. There is no complete truth in anything! Truth mixed with lies perhaps – but even benign daily events are used as an avenue to manipulate and create a larger story for a longer purpose – a path a typical mind can find near impossible to even imagine.
Positiveagirl and others who have responded – THANK YOU! I was thinking about being more active posting to blogs etc because I know the confusion, anger, and sheer loneliness trying to sift through a sociopaths intentions and mode of operation. Thank you for the comment – but it is not deserved as YOU deserve the credit. You are reaching out and speaking among confusion and pain – that is brave – and worth noting. Everyone who is brave enough to seek answers here are brave and forthcoming – something very difficult to navigate among confusion and pain. Well done…Love Christine 🙂
Christine..like you I have my degree. Like you, the battery of tests proved he has borderline personality disorder. Like you….the order of protection is NOTHING. For all of you who has had a sociopath in yur life. Dont engage, and….Im sorry for this….the rest of your life will be altered. Sociopaths will NOT go away. Reasonableness is non-existent in their mind. For all who are haunted by a sociopath…..please listen. Always watch, always look around…and always KNOW that patience for revenge will exceed any level of reasonableness from a sociopath. Dont try to change or be free….learn to work within the cage created. Im sorry for all. I have been involved in this for 6 years and I have finally learned that I must work within the cage he has created although WE have been apart or 6 years.
I’m still at the stage of needing to catch my sort of partner out. Not that it will make much difference, but to me it is more a case of needing it so that I can take MY next step in leaving. This woman is a control freak; it seems the only thing I can control at the moment is to leave. I am so tired of fighting to be heard.
I think that this can become an addiction Rob, where you get caught in the loop of trying to catch them out. The only way forward is to walk away, stop playing the game and go no contact. Otherwise, it can continue for years. Round and round in an endless cycle.
So true! My son’s father hates my mother because she has been on to him from day one even before I was. She has confronted him too and he hates that!
I was pursued and sucked in by a married man who had “left” his wife
Two years and this man has told me some of the biggest lies I have ever heard and I constantly caught him out on them (all relating to his wife )and he would STILL go on with the lie even with PROOF In his face !!
He has showered me with love and affection. He has made me feel like I am the most beautiful amazing person on the face of the earth. We broke apart for a couple of months and he is now pursuing me again. The lies OMG the lies. But you see I am hooked on him. The sex is beyond amazing. And yes he has the sociopath stare into my soul that I was confusing with a stare of love. OMG the stare. … Right into my soul. He has a high sex drive. He has the stamina. He also has very weird sexual fantasies. He is highly conscious if his appearance. Very good looking and a body that is his temple. His words of love sweep me into another world. The things he says you would just not believe such a man could exist.
Did I mention the lies. And how he will turn it around on me to make ME feel like I am the crazy one. I start to question myself. I have neglected friends and family for two years being swept up with this man.
This site has helped me see so much and how I now need to heal from this.
He is still in contact with me and I am so afraid to stop the contact because I can’t imagine never speaking to him again. But reading all this has given me some tools. I need strength. I have great friends and family who are being really supportive here. But no one understands what this man has done to me. I need strength to run from him and never look back.
I should have mentioned I am bombarded with videos and pictures of himself naked or masturbating. Seeking constant approval of himself. I have had to co stanly reassure him of his looks or his body. He “plays ” it down and I see it is to seek attention and approval. Constantly
He has NO friends from his past. He has one. One male friend and it’s his ex brother in law
He doesn’t have a close loving relationship with his family
I was lied to about his wife. I was led to believe they were seperated. Dumb ? Yes. Sucked in. Yes.
I don’t even know where to begin to rebuild my life from this disaster. He is back home with his wife all happy and has come and and wrecked my life and swanned back in. I would love to contact her and tell her but I realise there is no point in hurting or ruining another persons life because of the damage he has done.
I was married to one for 24 years until he shot me in the chest with a 270 deer rifle, and no he is not in prison, that is another story. I understand what you are saying about not being able to stay away from them. I told my friend he was like a drug to me that I had to keep going back for more. It’s been three years now and I’m still recovering from the mental anguish. I had no idea what a sociopath was and would never have admitted or believed that I was in an abusive relationship. The physical abuse did not come until that fateful day, it was all emotional and mental. It’s been only a year and a half since I have had no contact at all, if you don’t count court dates. It has been the hardest thing I have ever had to go through in my life and there were days I didn’t think I was going to make it but I’m determined that I will. I also had some great friends who have stood by me on a consistant basis from the beginning and saw first hand the abuse. We have two grown sons who have been devastated from this also. They still have some relation with him and the only thing I can do is pray that they will be able to see the truth of who and what he really is. I can’t fully even really tell all the details of that 24 years on here, to much detail. But I can say that is does and will get better if you keep going forward, know the truth of what they really are, know it’s not your fault, it’s their’s, know you can’t fix them, you can only fix you, and the most important thing I had to do was break all contact. I know if you have young children that is not always possible but if you can, do it. You will never have a life of any worth as long as you are attached to a sociopath. They are destroyers of any kind of life form. They are the walking dead looking for their next victim to suck the life out of. I hope theses website can help and encourage anyone who is caught in a relationship with an abuser, physopath, sociopath, etc to seek the help they need.
Wonderful post. Thank you. They say that emotional/mental abuse will almost always later turn to physical abuse. When you say that you couldn’t say the details in those 24 years, is this because you cannot remember? I know that they make you feel like you are living in a fog, I felt brain dead. I even went back, thinking that as I knew what i knew – and he ‘wasn’t that bad’…. that it would be ok. But it didn’t take too long before the sunshine stopped, and I was back with a thick head, not being able to think or concentrate properly. You are so right, you will never have a life of any worth, if you are attached to them. That must have been so scary for you to have a gun at you? How are you doing today?
Julie,u should tell her. I have been there
Julie, why wouldn’t u tell her? She deserves to try and get away
My sociopath has killed me over and over. I understand how you all feel and I’m sorry for you. It is hard to walk away. But….soon I will be free. Bless us all.
Keep going connie
Julie, this happened to me as well. I actually found out that he was married two months after I told him that I was pregnant with his baby. Then, his wife found out about me, and she left him. While trying to getting her back behind my back, he would still behave as I was his only love of his life. I fell for it. Long story short, I believed him and we had two more children. I left when I found out he was actually conducting a secret life made of prostitutes, underage sex slaves, and other sexual perversions which are highly disgusting so I don’t even mention it here. I had evidence. He still denies. I found out he did it all the time, and he did it even before meeting with me. This is just who he is. A perverted psychopath who cares only about himself. Of course he never acknowledged anything, and he is now stating to the court that I am a crazy woman, a psychotic paranoid. I wish he was dead, but he is not and I have to go through a lot of trouble (and so my children). So dear Julie, I hope that by now he is out of your life. If not, just know that the sexual drive is very typical of these monsters. Yet, don’t think even for one instant that he is only using you for sex. Forget about it. So, I don’t think you need to be used by a sexual maniac anymore. Anything you said (the videos and pictures of him, for example, the no friends, etc) applies to me as well. The poor wife of this individual would benefit from our words, but you must think about yourself first. So just rebuilt your life. Move on and free yourself from the psychopath. I am glad you are not married to the monster, nor you have children. Just run away and never look back. Take a std test, make sure everything is fine, and then celebrate!
I want to make sure I alert women on this site that there are women that act like this. I actually am in support that there are more women like this then men because women are believed much more often then men are when they season their lies with theatrics like a 5 year old trying to gain mommies attention. I married and now after 14 years of this hell, I divorced a women like this. Early in the marriage, I figured it out but failed at describing it to anyone because its literally was behavior that did not make sense and did not match her public charm, intelligence and talents. I saw after being a straight honest man that if I divorced her she would destroy me with lying and convince people with false emotions she used in the first place to draw me into our sating relationship. When I sought out couples counseling the first time she cowarded down when she was asked questions like I was beating her. So embarrassing! Another time I asked our pastor to counsel us and she claimed I had raped her on the honeymoon and cried in the music pastors wifes arms when we got home. They had moved away many years prior but I finally called them to ask and they went off explaining that she had put them in a horrible position just before I started dating her. She was flirting with the male music pastor so much trying to get closer to him in a way they both feared confronting her because they sensed she might spread rumors but I started dating her so that fixed their worries. In support of more women being sociopaths; Most sociopath based movies are stared by females.
I am sorry and do’t want to offend anyone just want to make a point. I recognize the hurt and damage that each one of you feels and incredibly sorry you all have gone through this because believe me, I know the devastating side of dealing with these types.
2 years into our marriage, I was diagnosed with ALL Luekemia and had a Marrow Transplant. Not shocking with all the stress being married to these types involves. I immediately begged the doctors to listen to me and through the years always said I was not safe at home because at the time I had no idea what I was dealing with. My own family didn’t believe me until she started treating them like she had been treating me for 14 years during the long drawn out divorce process saturated with her lies. Thank God the Ad Litem and Custody Evaluator picked up on her lying and we ended up with 50/50 custody. The court staff said they rarely, if ever diagnose someone during the divorce process. So I asked for a parenting consultant be included in the settlement! In three weeks she blew threw the $3,000 retainer over ridiculous issues no one in their right mind would waste their time on but she always added lies to make herself look like she was doing the better parent due diligence! I think the only thing she didn’t accuse me of was molesting my daughter, during the divorce process and thank God for that! The only thing I have done is 2-3 times a year, I had just get to the point I had enough and would yell and cuss at her for 10 minutes and walk away. Yes, legally thats verbal abuse but the lying and complications of her lying in our life and to my medical providers through the years while I was repeatedly near death was emotional and psychological abuse at significant levels.
Brent am just checking with you, as this discloses personal information and shows your photo, I edited your full name. Are you happy with this comment to stay up?
Yes you are right, there are plenty of female and male victims.
I can relate to this, for 15 years…with a woman with BDP, Narcissistic, Alcoholic, Pain Killers, and cheating….pathological liars (trait from family and mother). Finally ended in 2007 and had custody of my kids….and fast forward to 2016….I thought I had healed, and made wrong choice with someone similar to her…it was so uncanny how “familiar” the love bombing and discard was initially. I woke up after many travelling trips an realized that I was being targeted as a “supply” for resources and status. Shame was her game, and also they are shameless when it comes to discard and replacement. I feel sad at first, because it was an illusion, but each day and week found to courage and feel blessed as my self learning and disconnect help prevent further damage. Fortunately, it was only for 5 months. But took almost 3 months to finally able to gain self esteem and confidence back. They suck the life out of you, and really lucky that I wasn’t a paycheck, and emotional roller coaster ride with her. If we learn to dropped the pain, shame, and anger necklaces that we all wear from our childhood to adulthood, they won’t be able to “push buttons,” or manipulate and lie to us. It’s the good and emphatic people that get targeted and abused….we are not their “Box of Chocolate.”
Brent, of course there are both male and female psychopaths! I am sorry you have been managed by one of these monsters.
I don’t think anyone was trying to say that sociopaths were only male. My mother is a sociopath and athough he finally had the sense to divorce her, my father still insists she is a “good person” on the “inside.” They fought each other all the time (she always initiated and he walked away), but he wasn’t there to witness the abuse she put me through when he was at work or away. She was very good at covering her tracks. He still doesn’t “get” it. I was the only kid I knew who begged her parents to get a divorce and prayed for it nightly from the age of 7.
I think my ex is a sociopath we used to live together and have been split about 6 weeks he is always accusing me of speaking to others he goes hot and cold like when he believes he can’t have me when I’m all guns to move on he’s back like a rocket trying to get back with me he done this just last week and I let him back into my life then as soon as he has what he thought he couldn’t he turns cold and seems very distant I am convinced he tells me lie after lie but Im having trouble proving it he has painted himself out to be a saint I have confessed to speaking to a couple of men since we split as friends nothing else but he is adamant that he has not spoke to Any girls and I find that hard to believe he is constantly saying and accusing me of speaking to this one and that one I need evidence just not sure how to get it
Claire, I had the same issue. He would accuse and blame me with NO GROUNDS, and would depict himself as the victim. I hired a private detective. You can’t believe what I found out since the very first few hours. The most of the job they do on the phone or computer, so I advice you to make an investigation. You will be overwhelmed by evidence. If you are not married or don’t have children with him there is no point in finding documentation for the court, so probably you don’t need to hire an investigator. Yet, you need the evidence for yourself. I believe that we actually have to do our best to find out the truth, as in the case of psychopaths the evidence will help us a lot to dissolve cognitive dissonance, and it facilitates our healing process.
Just a quick comment on this post. I have been studying psychopathy since one year, and I am reading anything available on the internet. I think that psychopathic lies are the MOST important feature for the victim to realize that she/he is with a deeply disordered individual. Before realizing that my husband is a psychopath, I would actually be quite skeptic about the existence of people capable of lying at such a rate and about EVERYTHING. It is hard to believe. But it is the case that there are such people, and they are disordered. the post summaries very well what is psychopathic lying. I can confirm that everything written in the post applies to my case. The psychopath would lie ALWAYS, about EVERYTHING. from small things such as what they had for lunch, to BIG things such as they are separated, they are dying of cancer, etc. The lies are often used to gaslight us. He is out of my life since one year, and he would still try to gaslight me about anything that happened or that is happening in my life. Of course now I know better, but it takes the full awareness of what psychopathy is to protect ourselves from these excuses for a human being. My advice to everyone is: don’t minimize the lies. They are not just redflags, they are the core feature of psychopathy. Also, never confront the psychopath with the lies. Collect evidence instead without alerting him/her about your plan to collect evidence (or else he/she will hide much better). It won’t be too difficult to collect evidence, as they think they are much smarter than us and also, they really don’t are about the consequences of being caught. So they will often be not cautious, which will help your search for the truth.
My ex boyfriend is a sociopath. We met in the state mental hospital. He was there because he had tried to rape his nine year old daughter. He was finally sent to prison. When we got out then we moved to his home town. He worked excessively and spent lots of time at the gym. We attended AA meetings every night. He started playing poker every chance he could. As an enabler I started working as much as I could as well as go to school. He used me financially and would usually conveniently forget his money.
He said that he would pay me back and it never happened. I would catch him with his ex wife who had just gotten out of prison. The system had taken their three kids. Of course the system had screwed him because he is native American. I found out that he had kissed our developmentally disabled roommate. I chose to kick her out instead of him. He would accuse me of cheating which meant that he was cheating. He was kind and supportive in public while aggressive and critical in private. Finally he kicked me out of my own house. I went back a week later for a visit. There was a woman with him when he picked me up. She tried to beat me up and the cops were called. I never saw or spoke to him again. I left this ten year relationship from hell. Abuse in any form is not ok. I had felt powerless and now I am not.
Hi Jenny, thank you for your comment. I am wondering how did he convince you, that his actions that he had been sent to the mental health hospital for, was ok? Then you say that he chose to kiss your developmentally disabled roommate and you kicked her out. It sounds like you have been through a lot. Experienced a lot with him. How long have you been free from him? I hope that you never return.