Catching a sociopath in a lie

A sociopath hates to be confronted about their lies. The lie is their cover. It is the cloak that a sociopath wears as a mask to the outside world. A sociopath hides behind its lies. Lies give them power. It gives the power to manipulate and deceive. Sociopaths take pleasure from manipulating people.


The most important thing to a sociopath is CONTROL. A sociopath hates to lose control.   When you confront a sociopath about a lie, when you have gained the evidence, and confront them, they will do the following.

1. Change the subject

2. Become angry

3. Deflect (well what about x y z)?

They will REFUSE to confess to the lie. And will do anything to protect the lie. The lie is their friend. It is behind the lie that they feel safe.

And if you dare accuse the sociopath of something that they DIDN’T do. Because after all of the lies, you quite rightfully do not trust them, who would? They will go on and on and on about how you accused them of something that they didn’t do. They will repeat this for weeks. They use the accusation where you got it wrong, to ‘prove’ how you always get it wrong.  If you accuse them of something that they didn’t do, and they prove this to you, they will use your poor judgement over and over as evidence that they are now telling the truth. ‘but you got that wrong, remember, you always accuse me of things that I do not do?’ Sociopaths are great at deflection.

Everyone tells lies every now and again. White lies ‘Sorry I am late…..’ to your boss or ‘I can’t come to xxx because xxx’…. we all do this.

A sociopath however is different. A sociopath tells lies habitually, pathologically. What this means is that they lie all of the time. Most of what they say is not the truth. The sociopath lies deliberately to manipulate and deceive, and mislead you. When the sociopath is lying they have no care about your welfare, or your needs. They are simply thinking of their own selfish needs, what they can get. Or, to derail you, so that they can maintain their secret private life. The truth leaves a bitter taste in their mouth.

A sociopath will tell lies about everything. From what they ate for breakfast, to how much money they have, to what happened in their past. They will tell the most incredible lies.

There is a saying ‘the bigger the lie, the more believable it is’. The sociopath would think nothing of telling you that somebody was dying of cancer (even themselves) if it suited their own needs. Sociopaths love to play the victim, to gain your empathy and kindness. Playing victim, they have further manipulation and control over you.  They lie when often it would be far easier to tell the truth.   There is no sense to it. They do not  think ‘obviously this lie will be found out’ this doesn’t matter. What is important is using the lie to get what they want and to stay behind the mask of deception. Sociopaths use illusion to create confusion.

Sociopaths like to win. They like to get what they want.  They will lie and betray your  trust, to use you, and to get what they want from you. You might wonder, but why are you lying about this? Sociopath’s create problems that do not need to be there in the relationship. They tell lies, that are obviously going to be found out at some point in the future. This does not bother them, as they get a rush of endorphines to the brain, from lying and conning.

If the sociopath makes the promise to you, that they will stop telling lies, and will be honest, if they confess to lies from the past, and promise not to lie again, they think one thing – if you believe that line. Sucker!! …. it won’t be very long before the sociopath is lying pathologically again. If you visualise how difficult it would be for you to constantly tell a lie, all of the time. This is how it is with sociopaths. Even if they meant it, that they would stop lying, they would tell one lie, get away with it, and be believed, they would get a high from lying to you, and getting away with it. From this, more lies are told, and the lies increase within a short period of time. Until the sociopath is once again living the life of illusion behind the mask. Almost full time.

You cannot trust a liar. Whilst you might at first feel sorry for the sociopath as they tell you their victim stories. You might feel sorry for them, and their troubled past, and make excuses for their behaviour. This is time wasted, as the sociopath who is prepared to lie to you, will also lie about you. Trying to help the sociopath is pointless, as when they are done with you, they will lie about you, and think nothing of ruining your reputation. The sociopath will then go further, to make YOU out to be the liar. The sociopath will stop at nothing to achieve their own ends.

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26 thoughts on “Catching a sociopath in a lie”

  1. Ah, the lies.

    Like when he said I was smoking all the cigarettes and so I switched brands – no more blaming me when he ran out and I didn’t.

    When he said “yes, honey I love you, go to counseling and get help” implying he wanted me to be better – and after the first session “WTF do you need that for”

    How do you know when they lie? Every time their lips are moving. I’m still, four years after, thinking of little things that were lies – amazing how stuff just pops into your head after so long.

    1. Ah the counselling. He faked that he was seeing a counsellor. Every Tuesday. For months. This is how crazy it is…. he KNEW that I had completed Counselling training. Yet he lied to me about it. Of course I was going to know he was lying when he said that his counsellor was going to send a survey to me asking questions about him. I said, er no, that wouldn’t happen. He swore it was true. That I should wait for the questionaire to come in the post. The lies became even more elaborate when he then said he was going off for hypnotherapy. The counsellor knew he was a sociopath and was going to fix him 🙂 🙂 …. so ridiculous, you can but laugh.

    2. If their mouths are open ,they are lying! I can’t get rid of my Ex.I have divorced him in 2/ 2010 .He still tells people, I’m his wife! We have a son ,I feel so bad for my son! He has ruined my life bad!!He has tried to kill me.(& I put FRO on and the cops lost or courthouse lost it But that paper means nothing to him! I can’t date anyone but he will brag abt. Hoes.I wish he would find someone else!( But, then I’ll feel bad for that person!)He will not leave me alone!! Always goes to jai (but not lately ,I wish! My body is killing me from being beat on from him. I have a older son and when he was little ,my son was 7, back when and he said DONT DATE HIM!(My son was right!) He treated my other son crappy and now my son life got screwed up! !He uses our son as a pawn! Blames me that I need help! I’m the nut!! Where’s a part where I can find how to get rid of him!?I’m blowing him off now and just ignoring him no matter what he says or texts ,calls etc… I pray for everyone out there dealing w/this! I’m afraid to date now seems like there are so many out there!? I didn’t even realize how many people are involved in this nightmare! ,I feel like just disappearing!!Any advice esp. for my child b/c he tries to use him and talks crap on me? (And the whole family is like him ,they lie and believe it!) I wish I could go back in time so bad! I can wish my life away! But it’s not helping I know! Please! Anyone with any advice to get him out of my life for good! Thank you for listening!! Amanda

      1. Hi Amanda, I edited your comment as it gave your full name. This is a long time for you to be going through this. I know this as my daughter died Jan 2010…. 4 years is a long time. I am sorry that you are going through this. It is so difficult when you have a child with him, you might find the post and comments on co-parenting with a male sociopath useful. You can find this post by typing in co-parenting with a male sociopath into the search engine. Welcome to the site 🙂

      2. Amanda – I’m there too. I have an order of protection he has violated about 20 times (no kidding) and because he has so artfully manipulated the cops – he never gets locked up because if he’s not beating me – he’s OK then. Best advice (I have a degree in psychology and have been in intensive counseling for over 18 months) do NOT engage him. No matter how bad you want to text back a plethora or curses. (I know this and have fallen weak at times). My counselor often uses the analogy – I’m jumping into the boxing ring and he stands at the ropes with a smile. Never try to figure out WHY a true sociopath does something – they just…do. Their agenda is larger than what a typical person can imagine and a moral core is simply absent. Even as far as treatment for mental health diseases and disorders – sociopathic personalities are often deemed as “untreatable” as – without a moral core / center – there is no place to build from.
        Now here’s the part you will really not like – it will be long difficult t get him out of your life for good. I can’t give you a reason why, other than sociopaths just do. I was so happy when I found out my ex was screwing another woman and he still wouldn’t go away. There is a court order where it states he is not allowed to see or speak to me or our children – he has not seen the kids in over a year – he still will not go away. I have moved, closed all joints accounts, stopped engaging him for so many moths – he has still not gone away. If his life were to improve he will still stalk – and if it is going down the tubes – he will blame – as sociopaths always do. I cannot tell you how to get rid of him – there is no formula – but start with proper knowledge and go to reliable websites that explain sociopathic behaviors such as WebMD, the American Psychological Association, or the DSM (Diagnostic Statistical Manual). Here is an except you may find helpful…
        Sociopath Traits
        Sociopathy or antisocial personality disorder is defined as mental health condition in which a person has a long-term pattern of manipulating, exploiting, or violating the rights of others. There are many characteristic Sociopath Traits and the defining criteria are listed here.
        Medically, sociopathy is termed as antisocial personality disorder. It is defined as “a mental health condition in which a person has a long-term pattern of manipulating, exploiting, or violating the rights of others.”
        The exact cause of sociopathy is not known. However, it is believed to result from complex interaction of genetic and environmental factors (e.g. child abuse, alcoholic parents). Sociopathy is much more common in men as compared to women.
        Sociopath Traits
        Various hallmark sociopath traits are listed below. It is important to note that not all traits will be present in all the “sociopaths”.
        According to ICD-10 criteria, presence of 3 or more of the following qualifies for the diagnosis of antisocial personality disorder (~sociopathy):
        1.Callous unconcern for the feelings of others.
        2.Gross and persistent attitude of irresponsibility and disregard for social norms, and obligations.
        3.Incapacity to maintain enduring relationships, though having no difficulty in establishing them.
        4.Very low tolerance to frustration, a low threshold for discharge of aggression, including violence.
        5.Incapacity to experience guilt or to profit from experience, particularly punishment.
        6.Markedly prone to blame others or to offer plausible rationalization for the behavior that has brought the person into conflict with society.
        The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM IV-TR) is another widely used tool for the diagnosis and it defines sociopath traits as:
        A) Pervasive pattern of disregard for and violation of the rights of others occurring since age 15 years, as indicated by three or more of the following:
        1.Failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest
        2.Deception, as indicated by repeatedly lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure
        3.Impulsiveness or failure to plan ahead
        4.Irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults
        5.Reckless disregard for safety of self or others
        6.Consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations
        7.Lack of remorse as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another
        B) The individual is at least age 18 years.
        C) There is evidence of conduct disorder with onset before age 15 years.
        D) The occurrence of antisocial behavior is not exclusively during the course of schizophrenia or a manic episode.
        Amanda – good luck – your going to need it 😦

    3. Let be more than clear. I married a man who is a sociopath – and this is not my opinion – but the results of a battery of psychological tests. After being separated for 20 months I have discovered slowly but surely that EVERYTHING he told me was a lie. It’s sickening and does not end. Assume that the sociopath in your life told you a lie EVERY time he / she spoke. There is no complete truth in anything! Truth mixed with lies perhaps – but even benign daily events are used as an avenue to manipulate and create a larger story for a longer purpose – a path a typical mind can find near impossible to even imagine.

      1. Positiveagirl and others who have responded – THANK YOU! I was thinking about being more active posting to blogs etc because I know the confusion, anger, and sheer loneliness trying to sift through a sociopaths intentions and mode of operation. Thank you for the comment – but it is not deserved as YOU deserve the credit. You are reaching out and speaking among confusion and pain – that is brave – and worth noting. Everyone who is brave enough to seek answers here are brave and forthcoming – something very difficult to navigate among confusion and pain. Well done…Love Christine 🙂

      2. you I have my degree. Like you, the battery of tests proved he has borderline personality disorder. Like you….the order of protection is NOTHING. For all of you who has had a sociopath in yur life. Dont engage, and….Im sorry for this….the rest of your life will be altered. Sociopaths will NOT go away. Reasonableness is non-existent in their mind. For all who are haunted by a sociopath…..please listen. Always watch, always look around…and always KNOW that patience for revenge will exceed any level of reasonableness from a sociopath. Dont try to change or be free….learn to work within the cage created. Im sorry for all. I have been involved in this for 6 years and I have finally learned that I must work within the cage he has created although WE have been apart or 6 years.

    4. I’m still at the stage of needing to catch my sort of partner out. Not that it will make much difference, but to me it is more a case of needing it so that I can take MY next step in leaving. This woman is a control freak; it seems the only thing I can control at the moment is to leave. I am so tired of fighting to be heard.

      1. I think that this can become an addiction Rob, where you get caught in the loop of trying to catch them out. The only way forward is to walk away, stop playing the game and go no contact. Otherwise, it can continue for years. Round and round in an endless cycle.

  2. So true! My son’s father hates my mother because she has been on to him from day one even before I was. She has confronted him too and he hates that!

    1. I was pursued and sucked in by a married man who had “left” his wife
      Two years and this man has told me some of the biggest lies I have ever heard and I constantly caught him out on them (all relating to his wife )and he would STILL go on with the lie even with PROOF In his face !!
      He has showered me with love and affection. He has made me feel like I am the most beautiful amazing person on the face of the earth. We broke apart for a couple of months and he is now pursuing me again. The lies OMG the lies. But you see I am hooked on him. The sex is beyond amazing. And yes he has the sociopath stare into my soul that I was confusing with a stare of love. OMG the stare. … Right into my soul. He has a high sex drive. He has the stamina. He also has very weird sexual fantasies. He is highly conscious if his appearance. Very good looking and a body that is his temple. His words of love sweep me into another world. The things he says you would just not believe such a man could exist.
      Did I mention the lies. And how he will turn it around on me to make ME feel like I am the crazy one. I start to question myself. I have neglected friends and family for two years being swept up with this man.
      This site has helped me see so much and how I now need to heal from this.
      He is still in contact with me and I am so afraid to stop the contact because I can’t imagine never speaking to him again. But reading all this has given me some tools. I need strength. I have great friends and family who are being really supportive here. But no one understands what this man has done to me. I need strength to run from him and never look back.

      1. I should have mentioned I am bombarded with videos and pictures of himself naked or masturbating. Seeking constant approval of himself. I have had to co stanly reassure him of his looks or his body. He “plays ” it down and I see it is to seek attention and approval. Constantly
        He has NO friends from his past. He has one. One male friend and it’s his ex brother in law
        He doesn’t have a close loving relationship with his family
        I was lied to about his wife. I was led to believe they were seperated. Dumb ? Yes. Sucked in. Yes.
        I don’t even know where to begin to rebuild my life from this disaster. He is back home with his wife all happy and has come and and wrecked my life and swanned back in. I would love to contact her and tell her but I realise there is no point in hurting or ruining another persons life because of the damage he has done.

      2. I was married to one for 24 years until he shot me in the chest with a 270 deer rifle, and no he is not in prison, that is another story. I understand what you are saying about not being able to stay away from them. I told my friend he was like a drug to me that I had to keep going back for more. It’s been three years now and I’m still recovering from the mental anguish. I had no idea what a sociopath was and would never have admitted or believed that I was in an abusive relationship. The physical abuse did not come until that fateful day, it was all emotional and mental. It’s been only a year and a half since I have had no contact at all, if you don’t count court dates. It has been the hardest thing I have ever had to go through in my life and there were days I didn’t think I was going to make it but I’m determined that I will. I also had some great friends who have stood by me on a consistant basis from the beginning and saw first hand the abuse. We have two grown sons who have been devastated from this also. They still have some relation with him and the only thing I can do is pray that they will be able to see the truth of who and what he really is. I can’t fully even really tell all the details of that 24 years on here, to much detail. But I can say that is does and will get better if you keep going forward, know the truth of what they really are, know it’s not your fault, it’s their’s, know you can’t fix them, you can only fix you, and the most important thing I had to do was break all contact. I know if you have young children that is not always possible but if you can, do it. You will never have a life of any worth as long as you are attached to a sociopath. They are destroyers of any kind of life form. They are the walking dead looking for their next victim to suck the life out of. I hope theses website can help and encourage anyone who is caught in a relationship with an abuser, physopath, sociopath, etc to seek the help they need.

      3. Wonderful post. Thank you. They say that emotional/mental abuse will almost always later turn to physical abuse. When you say that you couldn’t say the details in those 24 years, is this because you cannot remember? I know that they make you feel like you are living in a fog, I felt brain dead. I even went back, thinking that as I knew what i knew – and he ‘wasn’t that bad’…. that it would be ok. But it didn’t take too long before the sunshine stopped, and I was back with a thick head, not being able to think or concentrate properly. You are so right, you will never have a life of any worth, if you are attached to them. That must have been so scary for you to have a gun at you? How are you doing today?

      4. My sociopath has killed me over and over. I understand how you all feel and I’m sorry for you. It is hard to walk away. But….soon I will be free. Bless us all.

  3. I want to make sure I alert women on this site that there are women that act like this. I actually am in support that there are more women like this then men because women are believed much more often then men are when they season their lies with theatrics like a 5 year old trying to gain mommies attention. I married and now after 14 years of this hell, I divorced a women like this. Early in the marriage, I figured it out but failed at describing it to anyone because its literally was behavior that did not make sense and did not match her public charm, intelligence and talents. I saw after being a straight honest man that if I divorced her she would destroy me with lying and convince people with false emotions she used in the first place to draw me into our sating relationship. When I sought out couples counseling the first time she cowarded down when she was asked questions like I was beating her. So embarrassing! Another time I asked our pastor to counsel us and she claimed I had raped her on the honeymoon and cried in the music pastors wifes arms when we got home. They had moved away many years prior but I finally called them to ask and they went off explaining that she had put them in a horrible position just before I started dating her. She was flirting with the male music pastor so much trying to get closer to him in a way they both feared confronting her because they sensed she might spread rumors but I started dating her so that fixed their worries. In support of more women being sociopaths; Most sociopath based movies are stared by females.

    I am sorry and do’t want to offend anyone just want to make a point. I recognize the hurt and damage that each one of you feels and incredibly sorry you all have gone through this because believe me, I know the devastating side of dealing with these types.

    2 years into our marriage, I was diagnosed with ALL Luekemia and had a Marrow Transplant. Not shocking with all the stress being married to these types involves. I immediately begged the doctors to listen to me and through the years always said I was not safe at home because at the time I had no idea what I was dealing with. My own family didn’t believe me until she started treating them like she had been treating me for 14 years during the long drawn out divorce process saturated with her lies. Thank God the Ad Litem and Custody Evaluator picked up on her lying and we ended up with 50/50 custody. The court staff said they rarely, if ever diagnose someone during the divorce process. So I asked for a parenting consultant be included in the settlement! In three weeks she blew threw the $3,000 retainer over ridiculous issues no one in their right mind would waste their time on but she always added lies to make herself look like she was doing the better parent due diligence! I think the only thing she didn’t accuse me of was molesting my daughter, during the divorce process and thank God for that! The only thing I have done is 2-3 times a year, I had just get to the point I had enough and would yell and cuss at her for 10 minutes and walk away. Yes, legally thats verbal abuse but the lying and complications of her lying in our life and to my medical providers through the years while I was repeatedly near death was emotional and psychological abuse at significant levels.

    1. Brent am just checking with you, as this discloses personal information and shows your photo, I edited your full name. Are you happy with this comment to stay up?

      Yes you are right, there are plenty of female and male victims.

    2. I can relate to this, for 15 years…with a woman with BDP, Narcissistic, Alcoholic, Pain Killers, and cheating….pathological liars (trait from family and mother). Finally ended in 2007 and had custody of my kids….and fast forward to 2016….I thought I had healed, and made wrong choice with someone similar to her…it was so uncanny how “familiar” the love bombing and discard was initially. I woke up after many travelling trips an realized that I was being targeted as a “supply” for resources and status. Shame was her game, and also they are shameless when it comes to discard and replacement. I feel sad at first, because it was an illusion, but each day and week found to courage and feel blessed as my self learning and disconnect help prevent further damage. Fortunately, it was only for 5 months. But took almost 3 months to finally able to gain self esteem and confidence back. They suck the life out of you, and really lucky that I wasn’t a paycheck, and emotional roller coaster ride with her. If we learn to dropped the pain, shame, and anger necklaces that we all wear from our childhood to adulthood, they won’t be able to “push buttons,” or manipulate and lie to us. It’s the good and emphatic people that get targeted and abused….we are not their “Box of Chocolate.”

  4. I don’t think anyone was trying to say that sociopaths were only male. My mother is a sociopath and athough he finally had the sense to divorce her, my father still insists she is a “good person” on the “inside.” They fought each other all the time (she always initiated and he walked away), but he wasn’t there to witness the abuse she put me through when he was at work or away. She was very good at covering her tracks. He still doesn’t “get” it. I was the only kid I knew who begged her parents to get a divorce and prayed for it nightly from the age of 7.

  5. I think my ex is a sociopath we used to live together and have been split about 6 weeks he is always accusing me of speaking to others he goes hot and cold like when he believes he can’t have me when I’m all guns to move on he’s back like a rocket trying to get back with me he done this just last week and I let him back into my life then as soon as he has what he thought he couldn’t he turns cold and seems very distant I am convinced he tells me lie after lie but Im having trouble proving it he has painted himself out to be a saint I have confessed to speaking to a couple of men since we split as friends nothing else but he is adamant that he has not spoke to Any girls and I find that hard to believe he is constantly saying and accusing me of speaking to this one and that one I need evidence just not sure how to get it

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