How returning to the past can help you to reconnect to yourself

The key to success is YOU

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Before I begin this post, let me get one thing straight – THERE IS NO MISSING PART OF YOU! You might feel that there is. You might feel that there is something missing in your life. You might feel that you are not the person that you once were.

This is all an illusion.

You are completely whole within yourself. You always have been. What is different, is the mind. The mind is powerful and can play tricks. You can be guilty of deluding yourself.

After an abusive relationship, it is common to stay stuck. The biggest prison, are the walls that people create for themselves. If you allow a sociopath to take control, they will take the bricks and mortar and help you build the wall to keep you prisoner, all under the guise of ‘helping you’.

If you go through your life feeling that something is MISSING the sociopath will gladly fill that missing part for you.

Why the key to ourselves often lies in our past

You are whole. You were born a whole person. You might have a lot of learning, growth and development to do. Some people have other issues, that I will not discuss in this post. I am talking about a person that was healthy and whole, PRIORΒ to being in either an abusive or traumatic situation.

I knew this. Working with people it was something that I often told my clients. I had worked for decades with homeless people. People who had often lost everything, including their homes, and were now living in temporary accommodation, sometimes with children too. For many of those people, at that point in their lives when I met them, life, was a complicated puzzle, sometimes overwhelming, the problems in their life felt overwhelming. I worked with people to resolve small problems one by one, to put the missing pieces of the puzzle back together.

So, if I was experienced at doing this to help others? Why did I struggle to do it for myself? Firstly, while I knew that the key to my life and the freedom in my life, was in the past – I knew that to reach there, I had to go BACKWARDS. As my daughter had died in Jan 2010, I didn’t want to go backwards to before she was born. I didn’t want to be this person. If I did, I reasoned in my head, then it would mean that I was denying that my daughter had ever existed.

I didn’t WANT to be that person that I was before the trauma had happened. But, even for me, this was essential, and I would stay stuck, until i DID go backwards.

What does it mean to go backwards?

Many victims/survivors talk of how different their lives once were. How they remember the person that they used to be. Often you were a vibrant, fun, successful person, with a lot to offer. Then you met someone who pulled your world down. Now, just how do you get back to who you once were?

To go back to who you once were, to find that missing part of yourself, takes the following:

  • Courage to return to the past
  • A belief to find yourself and knowledge that you will and can do this
  • Overcoming and having the confidence to cope with fear of rejection
  • An ability to follow yourself
  • Knowing who YOU are – what made you tick? What were the things that made YOU happy BEFORE you met your abuser? Where were you? Who were the people in your life? Why did life feel better back then?

Join up the dots

You are ALWAYS who you once were, the difference is what is in your mind. It is your own perception and how you see things. The following are some reasons why you hold yourself back:

  • You might be scared to return to the past
  • You meet see going backwards as literally a step backwards and therefore failure
  • You might think that to go back to where you were before you met the socio – means that you have wasted your life
  • You might not want to have wasted so many (often) years of your life, for… what you might see as nothing
  • You might not want to let go of the false illusion that was offered to you by the sociopath

Backwards can mean forwards

By returning to your past, what you are actually doing, is to return to where YOU were last happy, fulfilled and whole within YOU. You are returning to a time when none of the abuse had happened to you.

You know when you listen to music sometimes, it can trigger a memory? It is like that. By going back to where you felt most fulfilled, you are returning to a place that you felt safe.

I don’t know if this is true for you, but it certainly is for me, and my life. Throughout my life, there have been people who have entered my life, some have stayed, but usually, almost always it is the core group of people that are always there in my life. I might think that they have gone, but they haven’t. Pick up the phone and call, there is something quite comforting about your past.

You are the WHOLE of you

You are every part of you. You are every experience in your life. People come into your life, as blessings, or lessons. Some people are in your life for all of your life, and others, come and go. You need people to leave your life sometimes, as if you didn’t have those people leave, you wouldn’t have time for new people and new experiences.

Let go of the fear and face your past. For in the past, you will find the real true you. The reflections of you that you saw presented to you by the sociopath are not real true reflections. The reflections that are offered by your past will give a TRUE reflection of you.

Go careful, as the mind is powerful and it can play tricks. But it is difficult to trick you when you have returned to the safety of the past, prior to where you were before the abuse happened to you.

You are ALWAYS the whole of you. Nobody can take that away from you. As you go through life, you will grow and develop, sometimes you will experience things that will hurt and cause you pain, but this pain will give you wisdom, and help you to grow. Even if you do not see it at the time.

How far do you go back to the past?

You have to go back to where you were, BEFORE the trauma/abuse happened. Right back, however far that is. For me, this has been five years. I didn’t want to go back to where I was five years ago. I wondered how this could ever be possible. It frightened me, before 5 years ago, I had a very different life. I was meant to be a mother to a little girl. I struggled to go back to the person that i was before my daughter left my life. I saw this as FAILURE.

I saw this as not moving forward, or moving on with my life. Yet, the truth was, as it always had been, the key and the truth for me, lay in my past.

I recall returning to work after my daughter had died. I was in a worst state than I realised at that time. Not in a very good place at all. Yet there was something comforting about returning to a job that I had (at that time) held for seven years. My entire world had changed, my world was fallng apart and crumbling down. I recall thinking ‘in a changing world, it is reassuring to know that some things remain the same’.

What kind of things do you go back to?Β 

This is about the things that are GOOD for your soul. The GOOD memories. This is the place that you know, you feel safe, you understand. It is what you TRUST. Examples of returning to the past (not inclusively)

  • Old friends (particularly those who knew you in childhood) – even if you haven’t seen them for many years
  • Family that love and care about you
  • An old career that used a particular skill, that you were good at
  • An environment or a location, if you went on holiday, or attended a particular event regularly, return there
  • Digging out old belongings – books, music, anything at all, that you haven’t seen for a long time, particularly if you haven’t seen those things since the abuse started
  • ANYTHING that gave you joy, that you loved PRIOR to meeting your abuser

Your soul doesn’t lie

You might think that you CAN’T go back there. But you can, and indeed you likely will, when you are ready. Those missing parts that you think about, when you focus on how the sociopath has RUINED your life. The sociopath cannot really ruin your life, even if you think that they have (but they will have a good try, if they want to). Nobody can ruin your life, it can, only if you allow it to.

Your soul doesn’t lie. When you think back and reminisce. When you think of all you USED to be, or all that you USED to have, it is all still there. It is just about reconnecting to it again. That sadness that you feel in your heart? You feel sad for the false empty promises, where the sociopath promised to offer to missing parts to you – but the truth was NOBODY could fulfill this, as there never was missing parts of you, even if you thought that there were.

Sneaky,crafty sociopath huh? …. master of illusion and confusion – offering to fulfill what you already had within you…. but they do this. The question is why didn’t you see this for yourself.

Begin today

I love lists. Begin today, write a list of all the things that YOU loved in your life BEFORE you met your abuser. What were the things that made you happy? Write down everything – one by one. Everything that made you PROUD to be you, everything that made you happy, everything that gave you joy.

Expect at first, to feel sad with this list. At first it is likely that you will look at this list and see all that you used to be. This, might indeed tempt you to return to your abuser. However, if someone makes you feel bad about YOU – they shouldn’t be in your life. If someone makes you feel bad about you, they are bad FORΒ you.

Don’t expect immediate results. It can take quite some time. Remember that it has taken some time to abuse you, traumatise you, an attempt to steal your life. Be realistic with time frames. The longer that you were abused for, the longer that it will take to reclaim you.

Believe me, you are WHOLE you always have been. The sociopath might have undertaken ruining and smear campaigns. If you have lost people out of your life because of this, this is fine, let them go. Do not try to protest, or repair those friendships, just let them go. This is in fact a blessing, even if it feels like a lesson.

Someone once told me that you can never really have more than four friends. I thought that was stupid. I had LOADS of friends. Or at least I thought I did. Truthfully I didn’t. My real true friends, would NEVER betray me. Nothing a sociopath could say or do would damage those friendships (and the sociopath would know about this too) they would instead target (to humiliate and shame you) your vulnerable friendships. Those people are not your real friends. Your real friends, lie in your past. You have experienced many events in life with them. Sometimes you might not see them for a time – this is fine, you know that you will see them again.

START SMALL – and go from there.

Please leave comments if you would like to discuss this. As I am sure that this post is written for somebody who is reading, who has been feeling stuck.

What do you miss out of your OLD life?

Do you fear going backwards?

Did you think that going backwards means failure or wasted time and life?

Sometimes in life, the key to finding you – is to go BACKWARDS as always (no matter what the sociopath would have you believe) you are the WHOLE of you.

Copyright datingasociopath.com 2014

 

 

 

 

 

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36 thoughts on “How returning to the past can help you to reconnect to yourself

  1. Positivagirl,

    You are so important to me and recovery. It makes my day when you are here. I have been thinking back lately, about how kind I always was, giving, thoughtful, courteous, loving etc. I’m still that person. I see it so clear now. It took long to get to this point. (I didn’t want to let go of the illusion of him). The truth is he was as real as “Ronald McDonald”. Lol πŸ˜‰ He never REALLY made me lose myself. That was temporary. I’m back. 😊

    Everyone here needs to really dig and remember how human they were, because they are STILL just that. Caring people. Time to be done with him/her and say………..NEXT! πŸ˜€ xx

    1. Hey Bunny how are you doing?

      What happened with you? I know that you went back, and then there was the drugs.

      What happened, and where are you at right now? Is he out of your life?

      1. It is finished. One day he just showed up, (he lives an hour away). Ridiculous. Anyway, I played a role. We went out for coffee and I pretended “it’s great that you came by. what a nice surprise, but THIS IS DONE”. He could not believe it. He had tears. I said “I fell for you and you didn’t catch me”. He can be very dangerous so I had to be careful with words.

        If you remember, I did a background check which proves he was living with another woman who is disabled, for the entire year we were together. That is where I draw a real sharp line. Sure there’s rough moments, but they are so short that it’s not a real problem anymore. Thanks to you (and all our friends here too) I am doing very good now. My deepest thanks and love to you Positivagirl πŸ’œ xx

      2. Ew, I must have missed that one. How could he be living with someone else for an entire year? That is SO deceptive. I can understand why you couldn’t forgive that one. But that must have hurt you, such lies and deception, and just a waste of your time too.

        Really pleased to hear that you are doing really well πŸ™‚

      3. Wow I am driving home praying to God asking him for something desperately to be revealed to me as to why I am so stuck on this person. I have let him totally steel my present precious time that I want to enjoy and be happy with. What you said about not being WHOLE, I feel like for the past two years I been living life with part of my soul missing. I have let this man steel my joy for way too long and I have allowed myself to get I to this frame of mind that constantly repeats pain pain pain. I contemplate how can I get back to myself, I don’t know what steps to take or where to go to get out of this darkness it feels like. That’s exactly what it feels like darkness. I need to get that light back in my soul again, that positive outlook on life on a daily basis. I’m tortchered cause I don’t know how to fix myself. This post helped me understands own feelings, which is extremely hard for me. I know I’m in pain but I don’t know why or how to fix it! Thank you for this πŸ’”

      4. Positivagirl ,

        He pretended to live in his parents basement….haha. I’m done.

        Firetotherain,

        Just do things you used to do before. I went back to exercising, crocheting, going out with my sister or friend, gardening, go to a movie, ladies bible study, etc. all things I used to do before having all my time stolen by him.

        Remember how much better you were before meeting? You are still the sweet fun person you were before. To be yourself again, do what you did before. You can do this 😊

  2. Thanks i do and will continue to do those things…I think the hardest thing for me is accepting what happened and the not understanding or knowing why he chose to do what he did to betray me. Did he ever really love me…you know questions like these and I wonder does he regret what he did and loosing me….I feel like sometimes I want to see him face to face to get closure and just tell him what’s on my mind to get an answer. It’s just haunting that’s all so I think maybe it would be a relief to talk to him and get some answers but I’m sure it will all be lies anyways so there really isn’t a point and I would rather not give him the satisfaction of him knowing how much I’m suffering. I haven’t contacted him since last Xmas and I plan to keep it that way. It’s so hard! I just want to say everything I feel but I know it will only make me feel worse. He owes me an apology and I know I will never get it. Sad but true! He doesn’t even care about himself why would care about me.

    1. Fire,
      I was where you are at right now. All of us here were. I promise it gets easier. Know and remember: they do not love anyone just like you said. You will not get any true answers so why look for any at all? You will be lied to again and again. You will never ever ever get closure from that person. Not gonna happen. I’ve been there sweetheart. I know literally what you are feeling. I was addicted to mine. It hurts. Bad.

      The good news is that you are staying NO CONTACT and that is the MAJOR KEY to moving on. “Fake it till you make it” on bad days. He owes you an apology and you will NEVER get one. This is why what you are doing so far is great. You’ve accomplished something BIG. Keep up the good work, fight this fight like we all are, and you will win dear 😊

      1. Hi Bunnyshy, Fire to Rain, Pos Girl, PR, all.
        I am semi disabled, I hope my ex isn’t your ex! (Bunnyshy(. Do u live in Victoria Aust? Thats uncanny. They sound like the same man/person almost. I hope it isn’t so. But they may have 2 timed alot of us. As we’re survivors & number so many on this site, that it may happen that some of us may have dated the same man. Mine didnt hit me or steal money but he was manipulative, possessive controlling, angry, bad temper, volatile, abusive verbally, self centred, friendly & charming in public, overbearing. No contact is only way to move on permanently, but i finding it hard to do sometimes. We’ve had distant sms contact but i havent sms’d back in 2 wks. We havent met up in 3 1/2 mths which is good. I have almost returned to my old life before i met him, I seem to have more friends, & even a boyfriend but taking it very slowly, platonic as i still think of my ex. But loyal generous friends which i’m very grateful for. Doing a course at neighbourhood hse, Grief & Loss. As they made us dependant on them. I may go back to making collages, i did this before i met him. I am taking photos now, I did this before I met him, he didnt stop me frm taking photos at least. He liked the attention, me taking his photo. I miss the dream he promised me & the charmer, larrikin in him, funny sense of humour, when he was kind. I dont miss the belittling or controlling or taking over my life & not being allowed to travel on my own or who I could & couldn’t see & not being allowed to watch tv hardly. You will all get there, arrive at a nicer place in life’s wondrous journey & heal, & I pray for the light, Gods light to enter every dark corner, place & shine goodness, truth, love, purity, touch & heal all our hearts, emotions & souls. Love & Light to all πŸ™‚

      2. Hey Dragonfly,

        The spath lived in New Jersey. He is identical to yours but add a hidden mate and real residence, and he twisted my arms to almost breaking point. We can get far by ignoring them “even when we don’t want to”. Doesn’t it always pass? Of course it does! What are we getting from these spaths really? I think less and less everyday but maybe once a month I have a slight “I miss him episode”. I stick it out, read, work on hobbies, anything and then it’s all good again. You’re doing great. Stick with it. It is KEY to us having a normal life with real human beings. Our good days start now 😊

  3. What do you do when there’s not really a point in your past where you were ever whole, yourself? What if life had threw so many lessons at you, that to step back would be like going through a minefield?
    Jen.xxx

    1. Hi Jen,

      What I found, was just simple things that were mine. That were not related to or had any relation to him. Helped me. Say with you, even if life had been chaotic and bad. Your art is you. Is your own. It belongs to you and makes you happy. I have a couple of friends I might not see too often, have known them decades some since childhood. I never fear who I am with them and always feel safe. They love me for me. Your life could have been a minefield. But even as a child you would have key things that were you. A place you played as a child, your favourite colour, music that sings to your soul, a Vista on the horizon, a film that touched your soul, a news article or memory, old writing…. Anything at all.

      1. Hi Pg sorry for the late reply, thank you for verifying that for me, it’s much appreciated. πŸ™‚
        I felt that my ways were being undermined by others, I was told that my creativity alone couldn’t possibly heal me, I’ll refer anyone who says that again to me right to this post. πŸ™‚
        Hope you have a wonderful holiday btw. πŸ™‚
        Jen. xxx

    2. Arthouse,

      For me personally, I would start doing new things and build up from that. After I left the spath, I started power walking, artwork and reading more books. More or less I was forced to help myself. I am like you. Things were always extra difficult in my life, a lot of it was not even my fault. Major pain and hardships. So I would say start building a newer version of you. A step at a time 😊

      1. For me, it was REALLY hard. As to do so, I was FORCED to go back to where I was before I was pregnant with my daughter. Am not saying life was perfect then, but I wouldn’t say I had been in abusive relationships before then.

        I never thought I could or would achieve it. It took years. Only this year, did I start to go back into the real me. My own passions. Once I started to have ownership of those passions again, I wasn’t going to let them go and started to feel stronger. It was like an armour that protected me. My passions hadn’t hurt me. I didn’t have to be that person anymore. The more I took ownership of me, the better I felt.

      2. Thank you for your advice Bunnyshy, it’s much appreciated and very good sound advice. Each day is a new beginning and another chance to make your reality a much better one, I totally agree with you on that one. πŸ™‚
        Jen.xxx

  4. Thank you, Positivagirl, for your posts. They make me feel better. … Unfortunately, I often meet my Socio at work. He totally ignores me and as soon as he sees me, I can notice disgust all over his face, as if I were an insect, a snake or some kind of disgusting creature. I don’t know why he is treating me this way. I did not hurt him nor disturb him. I have been no contact since February but, after all the troubles he caused me, I don’t know why, it seems as if I were the guilty one.

    1. He does this deliberately Gabri. It is no reflection on your worth at all.

      Think of a child how they behave it’s like that. The fact that he uses so mugh effort to make you feel bad…. Means he is putting more effort into it than you.

      He will do anything to get attention and standing on you makes him feel better about himself.

      Next time you see him at work, smile brightly and say HI then walk right on. Rise above it and be the bigger person. Remember he does things for a reaction.

      You know if he feels nothing well he is the loser as you have the ability to love and to feel. Hurray for you. Walk away with a smile that you will always be the winner here.

      1. Dear Positivagirl, thank you so much for your kind answer. You know, I am really ashamed when I think that, despite all the troubles he caused me, despite all my sorrow and tears, despite the fact he treated me so badly, I still miss him desperately. I am not going to break “no contact” in any way, I know he is an evil person and I also know I don’t love him -we are totally different, I would never be happy with him – . But still I can’t get him out of my head – his false promises, his false love and words -. It looks like he has poisoned me, I am not the person I was before meeting him and I don’t know what to do. I feel a sort of “mutilation” in my inner being and still today, four months after our break up, I can see no hope for the future. Will I always be like that, feeling so desperate?

      2. Gabry,

        I know you will get past all of this. I was heavily addicted to the spath. Guess what? After leaving him 5 times, getting abused even worse each time, being lied to and cheated on, hid his real residence the entire year, etc, this was enough to begin the end of it. You have your limits and you will get there. Keep reminding yourself of what he did and how it made you feel. Always turn back to those facts. You can do this πŸ˜‰

  5. First, I want to say that along with several other blogs, this one is packed with useful, knowledgeable insight, for which I’m so grateful. Truly, healing from a spath is unlike any other form of healing isn’t it, it is mourning a living being, a ghost, a demon. And why would we mourn a demon? Only one of the thousand confusion factors, what are they, who are they? Worse, our own close friends often can’t fully comprehend what we’ve endured. We cannot just “get over it” like a normal break up can we? It is wrought with complexity!

    These forums where we can be among people who’ve been through the exact same thing are incredibly healing! I am so happy that you all have chosen to share. I read somewhere, perhaps here, that once we begin to slowly peel out the damaged areas of our minds by sticking to no contact, we can begin to fill the empty spaces with our own passions, old ones or new ones or both.

    I am trying some of the things I’ve always wanted to, occupying my mind with positive learning and adventures through active healing as the passive healing simultaneously takes place, time goes by and slowly helps mend in the meantime. I’d recommend getting on Groupon or a similar site and signing up for something special, bring a friend if you like, just FORCE yourself if needed to “get up and try,” as Pink says! I am taking courses, joined a gym, trying yoga, reading, watching those favorite old movies, appreciating my lovely smiling little dog. It is MY time, it is MY life here and now, and the past and the future belongs to me! (and to you all!)

    Sometimes I stumble… sometimes I sink back into the quest for answers, but each time, I can more quickly snap back, understanding it is an addiction and I need only to distract myself for a few minutes, with a walk or phone call, in order to break past the craving for my poison person.

    I want to offer you one of my healing images….Close your eyes….Think of your “person” as a tree that you walked past one day that captured your attention. You thought is was a strong and beautiful tree, it provided shade, it made you feel alive….Now allow yourself to picture it beginning to petrify, the face begins to fade into the stone of time, the leaves have long since fallen. It seems much smaller now, not so towering. You see less and less tree and more stone until you will no longer see a tree at all. It is a dark stone, it is cold, it lives on the forest floor. Picture yourself matter of factly stopping to look at this stone that you once thought was a lovely living tree. You see nothing now but rock as you step across its faded face, deliberately moving forward through the beautiful forest. Look up! The trees are all around you, the sound of leaves in a breeze comforting you. Reach your arms up, do it, to meet the trees, be tall, be warm and alive!!

    1. Hi libertie, I love your visualisation technique. I am a big fan of doing this. It’s really important when your mind has been altered and deliberately played with. Thank you for sharing. I love it.

      1. You are most welcome P, every little bit helps! You’re doing great work and I know we’re all so glad for it πŸ™‚ I wanted to offer up my blog area as well. Not nearly the targeted counseling resource you’re providing but a few of my thoughts may help other readers, and my online resources area may also give others some valuable direction! It’s called Libertie Bloom…until next time, thanks once again.

    2. I like the Tree Anecdote & i read a similar story about a tree with bad bark, could not give shelter, being like a narc or spath, somewhere else on this site, it is very healing & cathartic to read this. love & light to all. Reading all your posts helps me & to keep on going, as i am still getting cravings, its an addiction. I never took this long to get over an ex before, nor did my previous ex’s keep in distant contact like this nor were they abusive, mind games either. Nor did i have cravings to see or hear frm my previous ex’s. One stay in touch as distant friend, hes healthy emotionally. I having dreams about my ex now. In the dream He was sitting next to my other healthy non narc ex. In a white room, .They have never even met, in real life. Also my ex was electrician. In dream next, I was on a ladder doing electrical work! i managed not to spark or explode anything.Then a lady older one, cldnt see her face was with me at station. She left her big suitcase at stn & was gone. I felt she knew my ex narc in some way. Does it mean she’s helping him get rid of his baggage? I couldn’t see her face, she was oldish i sensed. i see the suitcase as being left, as shed baggage, but i’m not a dream interpreter. I having more dreams about ex now, i dont know why that is. An earlier dream 2 or 3 wks ago, (after his friendly msg), i saw ex driving up long grass drive way. I was driving out of driveway in dream & saw him & then i started to reverse, as he was coming in. Then it ended. Our dreams may be messages from God, Spirit, Unconscious mind or our minds processing rubbish, baggage our ex’s left us with? Many of my dreams came true & i’d dreamt we’d broken up before & we did after I had those dreams. I have dreamt about ex’s past & he said most of what i dreamt was true about him, of his past.

  6. hello positiva, this post today was great for me to read. Since some time now after accepting all the facts and reality of my relationship to the P , i was feeling stuck. i did not know in which direction to go really. One year passed since i dumbed him , i am in LC due to a common work project and although for a lot of time i was not feeling anymore the deep pain , obssesIon , sadness , anger and all those feelings of the grieving period , something was not feeling right. A vague sense of emptynes , tiredeness and vanity took over me and i could not say why. I started to feel anxiety as i could not step out of this and i wondered if it is depression. But being quite self aware and also being a medical doctor myself i dont meet criteria for depression. it is more like emotional flatness and this caused me fear becouse i have always been very vibrant and lively and emotional expressive.
    i started looking for new ways to sooth myself or to give new perspective as starting yoga, meditation e.t.c , things that i have never tried before.
    Reading this post i see that maybe instead of starting new things what i have to do is to reconnect more with my old me before the P. Probably by doing things i used to do before will make me feel more familiar with my true inner core that never i lost really. conserning my relationships what i have chosen to do is that i kept close to me only the true friends that i had during my whole life, which are 2 and my sister. this gave me a solid ground to walk so to start rebuilding me.
    I am glad really that you are there with your open heart and your open mind and compassion to provide your inshights to humanity.
    I had looked and read a lot of blogs and forums during my recovery process about psycopaths / sociopaths / narcissists, aside with the classical books. i stil do. i find your blog to be the more insightful and genuine and authentic and compassionate. Just thank you for being there. if you have any advise to give for this particular place in recovery that i find myself now, i would be glad to hear you.
    Clarity

    1. Hi Clarity,

      Thank you for your comment. You are right, when you talk of the emotional flatness. Think of it like this, what they do to you, is

      1. Brain storming (firing questions at you)
      2. Brain washing (manipulation and control)

      Which will always leave you feeling BRAIN DEAD.

      You do this, to cope. IF someone is on at you enough, you will eventually (to cope) switch off. Your brain switches off to cope. You say that you are a medical doctor, perhaps you understand how PTSD works on the brain? It is similar to this. Your brain tunes out, and you become used to tuning out. It feels flat – nothing.

      Sociopaths play with your mind, they deliberately create dependency and addiction to them. They shut down your outer world, making themselves the centre of your world. When they are removed from your world, you are left — almost frozen. Stuck.

      You want to put things right, but do not know how? I promise you, that the more you reconnect to all of the things that you were doing BEFORE you met him, your brain will start to fire again.

      Why? It will fire again because of previous memory responses stored in your brain. At first, if you have been really abused, you might feel no response. If this continues, you might want to look at depression, or even trauma therapy. I remember just looking at things, staring at them, feeling nothing at all, zero.

      My story with recovery (I was really traumatised after an event in the hospital) began earlier this year. I am from the city where the graffiti artist Banksy lives. Someone gave me a Banksy book. His life, has been similar to mine (well apart from he is a famous artist I am not) but his work hangs on my sisters wall, we would have gone to the same clubs, festivals, free parties. I could identify with his work. Something switched within me. I went from there, to the garage, I had moved house at the end of 09, I had boxes of books, art materials, things I hadn’t seen in years. I went through the boxes, and started to find me. I started to paint. I had always been to a festival (one of the biggest in Europe) — I hadn’t been since 09, I had barely left the house…. I got tickets for this year, I started to plan, just as I had before any of this had happened. I started to reconnect to music that I love with a passion. I started to find my passions again.

      As I did, my brain was firing off, positive responses. There was no fear – I felt SAFE – as I knew this. I was going backwards but actually moving further forwards than I had done in more than 4 years.

      follow your heart, and follow your soul. Think of who you were prior to meeting him, and try to do as much as you can that you used to do. As you do, he will become smaller, much much smaller, and your mind will be set free. You should feel a sense of upliftment at finding joy at new things.

      I worked with homeless people, and I often would say to my clients who were depressed and feeling flat, read childrens books, watch childrens cartoons, they are good for the the soul…. it is so very true.

      1. yes i feel urge to watch Telly Tubbies at times & miss Inspector Gadget. I will watch kids cartoons more, thanku for this insight, it is healing. Love, light to all

  7. Hi Pos,
    . Stuck… We have all been there,, I was riddled with major depression and anxiety for quite sometime, I was always 140lbs. and at 5 feet tall. I was a little overweight for my height. When I became depressed I turned to comfort foods. and now weigh 162lbs. In April of 2014 I came to being, I felt renewed and rejuuvinated, started feeling like my old self again, I finally got it after 25 yrs. it was all a lie, an illusion,I have accepted that now, and because of that I feel love and life again. Live, laugh, love.. With NO CONTACT you also can achieve this.I would just like to say if it wasn’t for Pos and this site which I stumbled upon by the way I dont really know. where I would be, and Phoenix ,she’s a wonder all in herself and funny to, God Bless her and pos, its just to bad this post wasn’t out in the 90s, could have. saved me an my kids from this devil. Anyhoo, keep on readig,and learning, there are a zillion posts on this site, one for every emotion, every feeling, every why? and how comes, the OW,look for whatever your feeling at that very moment and I promise you you will be reading about how to overcome these horrible things that were done to us, betrayed. by husbands, and boyfriends who we loved and THOUGHT loved us. Con Artist pieces of shit. Karmas a bitch, what. goes around comes back around. Good luck to all of you, you can do it, I have. faith in you. Peace and love. .πŸ’•πŸ’•πŸ˜†

  8. Hi,, I been reading your articles and the comments for awhile These posts help me through EXACTLY what I’m going through at this time, and I find strenght , It’s hard to understand that kind of cold and cruel mentality, – thank you for all your help and advice.

  9. Hi everyone, this is my first time writing on here although I have been reading for a while, nearly 6 weeks on no contact with my ex ( who I’m sure is a sociapath, he is still posting notes through door etc, the last three years seem like a nightmare but now I’ve woken up. I am wanting desperately to get back to playing badminton as I did before his controll but cannot due to fractured rib from a punch from him, this was 7 months ago and isn’t healing properly I am still in pain every day and this is making me sad

    1. Hi Dianne, it must be frustrating that he has hit you, and injured your joy ‘today’ so you are still carrying his limitations into your life today. I hope that you heal, quickly, in time for summer. Well done to you for 6 weeks no contact, that is quite an achievement!!! How are you doing today?

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