Tag Archives: personality disorder

Sociopath -‘it’s your fault I lie – stop asking me questions’


As we know, Sociopaths do not feel ‘guilt’ ‘remorse’ or ‘shame’ for their actions. If you try to think about their behaviour with a normal analysis of YOU, you will only end up confused, and at a further loss as to why they can behave this way.

Sociopaths feel a sense of superiority over their victims. Being without conscience, they do not feel bad for their actions. They do not care about your needs, or how their behaviour is affecting you.

It can be very stressful being with a Sociopath, as they are not only compulsive liars, their lying is also pathological. This means that they lie, deliberately to manipulate, con and deceive their victims, for their own benefit. It is all an act. They KNOW what they are doing, they lie deliberately to deceive you.

From your point of view, you see it that they deliberately hurt you. From their point of view, they are remaining ‘hidden’. Sociopaths are very good at hiding. They hide from everybody. I was quite close to the Sociopath who was in my life. I think I saw the person that was behind the mask. Quite a few times, to see how he operated from the other side.

The duality of the Sociopathic brain

Most people function using only one side of their brain. Sociopaths, operate using both sides of their brain. Not only do they use both sides of the brain, additional to this, they are ’emotionally mute’ this means that they do not experience the full range of human emotions. Although they can feign to be more emotional than the average person. In fact, they could appear to be the most caring person that you have met in your life. They seem to be really ‘in tune’ with your emotions. This isn’t because they are feeling as you are, it is more that they are capable of reading other people. They have been reading people, and mimicking the appropriate response, being who YOU want to see, for a long time.

As Sociopaths use both sides of their brain, and are not held back by emotions, they are able to live a life, where they can be whoever they want to be. Often, and usually, they will be more than one person at a time. The relationship with the Sociopath in my life, went through many transformations. I saw him as many different people throughout that time. What was the most enlightening was during 2015. Another year when we were not together. We had split up. This time I was to see how he operated with another victim. What went on behind the mask.

Duality of the brain, is useful. However, it can also be confusing. This is why they have to keep people separate. Otherwise they forget who they are ‘playing today’.

An example of this, was that when he was with the new woman, he would become frustrated and not want to speak to me. this was because he had already donned a new mask, to her he was one person, to me another. In fact, I didn’t even know that he had a girlfriend, as he told me that had ended. Of course, it hadn’t.

Compulsive pathological lying

Lying is to the Sociopath, HIDING. Hiding is what they do best of all. They learned as a child that hiding was GOOD an that being OPEN and HONEST was bad. As a child, they learned that if there was honesty, there would be bad consequences for their actions. Perhaps they were overly punished. Perhaps they witnessed the father cheating on the mother. Perhaps they witnessed the father being a bully and the mother being a victim. These distorted views were shaped within childhood. Additionally aside from infidelity, if there is also any kind of addiction, like drugs or alcohol that is hidden from the outside world, this again, is a form of being hidden.

The child Sociopath learns, that to LIE is GOOD. to be HONEST is BAD. The child sociopath might have been overly punished, if they were honest. So they learned that to be accepted, they needed to be considered ‘PERFECT’.

The child sociopath learns that there is comfort behind the lie. The lie is the screen that they hide behind it is where they feel safe.

An example of this, in the final year that the Sociopath was in my life, he was unknown to me (well unknown in that he wouldn’t admit it), living a double life.

To me – he was a single guy, who was ‘sorting himself out’ he wanted space, and time to sort himself out.

To the other woman- he was living in a flat alone, was single, and he was her boyfriend

The reality was that he was living a double life.

Sociopaths get dupers delight from conning and deceiving people. Remember that two things are important to them

  • Being in control
  • Winning

What this ultimately gives them – is POWER and an ability to stop you from moving on with your life, it also keeps a dominance bond between you.

Remember, that to the Sociopath, life is just a game, and other people are merely actors in the game.

He would tell me

I am going to my mum’s on Thursday, I am taking care of my family, it is important for me to be there for them, as my step father is sick

The truth was

Due to his new girlfriends ex, and her children, he wasn’t allowed to stay at her house, at any other time apart from Thursday night.

He would also say, every day

I am just going to have a bath/shower, have something to eat, then lie in bed, and watch I player, I will call you before bed

The reality was

That he would speak to me, then he would call her, talk to her all evening on the phone, until he would say to her that he was ‘tired’ and ‘going to bed’ then he would call me. To him, this was completely fine, normal and acceptable behaviour.

If you challenged him on this, he would become angry, agitated and then would ACCUSE me of:

  • Restricting his freedom
  • Not allowing him space
  • Being suffocating
  • You are making me ‘ill’

He loved to use the words ‘you are making me ill’ ‘you are making me anxious’.  Of course, I would be an unempathetic bitch, for ‘not caring’ about his illnesses (of which there were many).

The last week that we spoke, he was angry and was telling me that he was about to ‘lose his job’ as he was on the phone too much at work. I don’t know how stupid he thought I was, but the truth was, he couldn’t cope with having conversations with TWO people at the same time. Otherwise, he would be detected and caught out for who he is. I knew the truth and reality and saw behind his lies, he was always invisible to me. So I would text him more, hoping that he would screw up and send the wrong text, to the wrong person. He did sometimes too, or a part of the text meant for her, was sent to me. I wished she could see the truth, one text he sent me, had half of the text meant for her, about her cooking him a cooked breakfast.

I could see the text for myself, as he was saying how he wanted, sausages, bacon, eggs, beans, mushrooms, toast, waffles. I mean, seriously this guy was really going to town. I knew that he must have complained that I didn’t cook amazing meals for him. Being keen to keep him she was offering him a banquet, after all she didn’t want to lose him and be like his crazy ex. She could do much better. He was loving this.

I did feel sorry for her, but knew, that like me, it is part of a journey of learning. It will probably be some time before she realises that he is duping and conning her.

What she didn’t know was that he was going to lose his flat. I think that he tried to keep his options open, as he didn’t want to become homeless. I was more fascinated by his psychology, by not being involved with him, I was able to see more about him, than I ever could when I was with him. She has what he wants, a roof over his head

His last text he told me that he couldn’t really text, as he had to go to the toilet, as work wouldn’t allow him to use his phone at work. Now I knew that this wasn’t true. He deliberately chose a job, where he could flat out text all day long and keep an eye on his target, making sure that she didn’t escape. He doesn’t stop being in contact all day long. I would stay awake all night, knowing that if he was asleep, I could at least have some headspace and think.

The Sociopath will have 100% focus and attention on their new victim, which can be mistaken for someone being hopelessly and madly in love. It isn’t this, this intensity of attention:

  • Keeps you under close control and ability to be monitored
  • Stuns the victim not giving them time to think
  • Presents a false illusion that they have met the ‘love of their life’ a ‘soulmate’ connection
  • Provides an opportunity for a perfect fit, mirror illusion

As he needed somewhere to live, as his rental was coming to an end, in his mind, he had weighed up the odds. She was a good target.

  • Recently divorced
  • Lonely
  • Had been cheated on
  • She had her own house
  • She was financially secure, with a good job, and the mortgage was in her name

Yes, I did feel sorry for her, but I had no way of contacting her. Even if I did, what would be the point? It would  only reinforce the lies that he had told about me. This would increase their bond, with her thinking that she had a more special prize than she thought she had.

I knew the reality of the prize she had obtained. It was more akin to a free loading idiot wearing a tin foil hat, than the knight in shining armour that she thought she had. Who was I to spoil the illusion? He would only use me for triangulation. I was interested in seeing just how he worked what went on behind the scenes? What was he hiding, and how did he hide, and why?

I learned something about the patterns of lying and hiding, and the dupers delight that they get from this.

They like to use a lie, that is similar to the actual event. The lie that they tell to you, will always place some burden of guilt on YOU if you try to investigate further. Here are some examples:

Telling me that on Thurs and throughout the weekend, he would be at his families house as they needed him, someone was dying of cancer (this bit was partially true, he did have cancer) – he would say I AM SUPPORTING MY FAMILY THEY NEED ME

Only on a Thursday this wasn’t the family he was going to. He was going to be with his other family. His new woman and her children, and staying at her house. Yes, I am sure that they also needed you.

What this achieves –

  • Makes you feel guilty for questioning
  • Gives them power and control
  • Has ‘some’ bearing on truth
  • Is their altered twisted reality that they are forcing you to accept

He then said ‘ I cant talk now, I am not allowed to use my phone at work, I will lose my job’ I am in the toilet at work.

Truth was, he was at her house, and in the toilet, as he wasn’t meant to be contacting me. Again this achieved the above to make me feel guilty

  • That he would lose his job because of me
  • That it was my fault that he was being forced to go to the toilet
  • That he was being a good person and abiding by the rules of work, and I was asking him to be a bad person and break the rules, getting him into trouble, this would be MY fault

Altered and twisted version of reality

This is how the Sociopath can keep up with their lies. Most of the time, as they

  • Compartmentalise and segregate people
  • Make you feel guilty
  • Pretending that they are being good and you are asking them to be bad
  • Keep the lie to a similar story (this is how they become the lie, and start to believe their own lies)
  • Get off on the power and control that they have over you – experiencing that high and dupers delight

Sadly, Sociopaths do not live the same way as other non Sociopathic people. They have no care or regard for the rights, welfare, of anyone other than themselves. I have lost count  of the amount of times that I was told

  • I am proud of who I am turning into
  • I am learning to be a moral man
  • I am learning my lessons

He was expert at giving the illusion, that he was either about to make a change, or was growing into the person he should be. A bit like a child in puberty about to grow up. Only he never really got there.

Sociopath and hiding a final word

I remember a time, when he really tried to manage his Sociopathy. He really did try to live, without hiding behind the mask.

I saw and witnessed, him slip away and hide back behind the mask. When he felt that he was losing me. Or it was over, there was no need to be his self. He was to go behind the mask, and would never return again in front of the screen. Once he was hiding again, he was gone.

Sociopaths feel safe and protected behind the lie. You won’t be able to coax them out. Inside they are insecure children, locked in a world, where they sat as a child, where they learned to hide. For hiding – was where the felt

  • Safe
  • Secure
  • In control
  • Powerful

When they are in control, they know nothing can go wrong. At least…… not for them anyway.

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