Coping with pain after discard

Understanding sociopath discard, and the silence of No closure!


Being in a relationship with a sociopath, can be a whirlwind of emotions. You can be told one thing, yet actions never match the words. There are different types, some are more openly narcissistic and abusive, others, are more charismatic.

The regular pattern of a narcissist is

  • Idealise
  • Devalue
  • Discard

Whilst all sociopaths are narcissists, not all narcissists are sociopaths.

The sociopath, is a compulsive pathological liar. Because of this, you do not always witness the devalue stage to your face. The more charismatic that the sociopath is, the less likely you will be to witness the devalue stage. Remember that the sociopath finds being honest, and telling the truth, more difficult to say, than the lie.

This means that you can see the relationship move swiftly, from idealise – discard, and not witness the devalue stage. The devaluing stage is happening, but not to your face. It will be happening behind your back. The narcissist would openly devalue you, put you down, belittle you and will undermine you. A charismatic sociopath struggles with the truth. For the charismatic sociopath, telling the truth is more painful than telling the lie, or keeping up pretence. Due to this, is common, that you will not witness the relationship coming to an end, as you would in an ordinary relationship. It is often sudden and without warning.

Or additionally, the sociopath might deliberately start a row with you. Blame you for something. Turn something around on you. The thinking behind this is so that you would end the relationship, saving the sociopath the need to do so.

Another way for a sociopath to end the relationship, might be to behave really unreasonably. Refuse to talk to you. Pick a fight, or be overly controlling. This is deliberate behaviour designed to infuriate you, so that you find him intolerable, and end the relationship yourself.

Often, there is no warning at all. The sociopath will disappear from your life, suddenly and without warning.

However the relationship comes to an end, it is often shocking. You are left with your senses reeling, and feeling absolutely confused about what has just happened. Sometimes you can be with the sociopath one day, and he is telling you how much he loves you, and wants to spend the rest of his life with you. The next day, he is gone. Or the next day, for no reason at all there will be a huge argument, and you are left wondering how did that happen, and ultimately, blame yourself.

What is the effect of sociopath discard?

The lack of closure at the end of the relationship with the sociopath can be particularly damaging. It can delay healing, and it can leave you feeling, that the relationship is not quite over. You might feel:

  • Confused
  • Bewildered
  • Lost
  • Desperate for answers
  • A longing and neediness to understand
  • Wanting back the honeymoon stage
  • Unsure if the relationship is actually over or not?
  • Self-blame
  • Manipulated, conned and deceived

More than likely the biggest feeling will be one of confusion.   You might be unsure if the relationship is actually over, because it has happened so suddenly, and there was no build up, no warning, no time to prepare, it can feel shocking.

The one thing that you will feel desperate for is answers. Sadly, the one person that can give you those answers is the person that you were in the relationship with, well this is ordinarily so. this is not the case when you are in the relationship with the sociopath. The last person that you want to go to for answers is the compulsive pathological liar.

I would imagine that many of you who read this, who didn’t know that he was a sociopath, might have got the word ‘sociopath’, simply by researching ‘liar’ or ‘compulsive liar’.

It is normal to want answers. Answers give understanding, and help with closure. Without this, you can feel lost, unsure what is happening.

In a healthy, normal relationship, the following things happen prior to breakup

  • Negative or limited communication
  • Emotional distance
  • Lack of physical warmth
  • Time apart
  • Feeling negative towards your partner, and unable to see positive things about them
  • Thoughts about the relationship coming to an end
  • Feeling unhappy

Normal and healthy relationships can and do come to an end. However, normally, some of the relationship breakup is experienced whilst still in the relationship.

With a sociopath, this is not usually the case. Often with a sociopath, you have suspicions that things are going wrong. But the sociopath will lie, manipulate, and deceive. If you raise questions about your suspicions, you will be told that you are crazy, and that it is not really like that at all.

You might question your mind whilst in the relationship with the sociopath, but the sociopath is good at continuing to deceive you. Not wanting to be hurt, or to have another relationship breakdown, you accept the explanations.

This is why it is particularly difficult and painful, when you experience discard from the sociopath, as you are left feeling confused.

Why does the sociopath discard in this way?

There are many reasons why the sociopath will suddenly discard his partner. Always, the reasons have little to do with you. It has everything to do with him and his needs and wishes.

The sociopath wears a mask. But he will only wear that mask for as long as it is getting him what he wants. The sociopath is not emotionally connected, to you or anybody else. Whilst the sociopath might show connection, this would only be a disguise, to to serve his own needs.

When the sociopath realises that he can have better supply elsewhere, or if he feels that supply with you is coming to an end he will leave you without warning. The sociopath would have sourced a new victim for supply, but this would have been done behind your back and without your knowledge.

To do so, it is likely that the sociopath, needed to play victim, to the new source. Often they would have made complaints about you, to gain sympathy and win support. Again, this will be something that you have absolutely no knowledge of, until later.

The sociopath works hard to ensure that his pathway for escape is clear.

You might think, well, if he doesn’t want to be with me anymore, why can’t he give me closure, why can’t he call me? Why can’t he meet with me?

The reason is simple, and it is four things

  • The sociopath is selfish, and only thinks of his own needs
  • He might want to come back for further source of supply at a later date
  • To prevent exposure
  • To stay in control

How do you get over this?

You might wonder how do you get over this? How can you get over this if you have no answers? You might wonder if the sociopath is going to come back, and you might have a longing for the honeymoon period again. You might be left feeling bewildered and confused.

  • Remember NOBODY stays confused forever
  • Remember that the sociopath is a liar, you couldn’t get the truth when you were IN the relationship – you therefore won’t get the truth when it has ended
  • No contact is the way for YOU to regain control
  • Block email, phone, text, social networking sites, and take back control of you, and your life
  • Yes YOU can choose to move on from this!
  • Read as much as you can. Find out as much information as you can. The more you learn, the more you understand, the quicker you will become set free
  • Take back your energy, and start loving YOU
  • Every day do something that makes you happy
  • Stay with the present
  • Think positive (you are what you think)
  • Realise that this is NOT your fault, there is nothing that you have done wrong (no matter what he says)
  • Don’t waste time wondering what he is doing
  • Make contact with others who have been through the same thing
  • Make yourself some new life goals
  • Be gentle on yourself
  • The most important rule of all is to NOT expect closure or answers from the sociopath
  • Remember – the sociopath is the liar, and if he gets back in touch, it is only because he wants to use you for further supply – you deserve better
  • Also remember that this is not just you, there are millions of us who have been through the same thing, which is why we can write and all understand each other

Copyright 2013


339 thoughts on “Coping with pain after discard”

  1. My heart goes out to everyone who have posted their stories here. I sincerely hope each of you find peace, strength & stability. My friends & family are amazed when I leak out a story & they can’t understand why I stayed in such a toxic relationship. I had no idea what I was getting myself into but after getting to know her I’ve mostly witnessed an inured little bird flapping its broken wings unable to fly. I wanted to help & believed I could only to find out I can’t. Its impossible to help someone who doesn’t believe they need any. As they say, You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink. The heartache; the mix of deep emotional pain & confusion wreaked havoc on me. Still does and after years of reflection it all seems like a cloud of mist just hanging out there. Its so sureal, did that 7 year nightmare really happen.

  2. I have done a lot of research into this since my boyfriend left but this article describes what I have been through to a tee.
    There was no apparent abusive behaviour in the relationship. He was in fact everything I’ve ever wanted. Really went out of his way to spoil me and of course everything moved much quicker than I would normally allow.
    He literally changed overnight, spent a week keeping me at arms length, being cold and would never tell me what was wrong.
    This eventually erupted into an argument which gave him excuse to leave and blame it on me.
    He blocked all contact from me and within weeks was back with an ex of his.
    I’ve found this so hard as we were saving for a deposit, about to adopt a dog, looking for a car together. I thought my future was set.
    He was telling me he loved me and a week later, had gone.
    In my eyes our relationship was ‘perfect’, a perfect lie apparently and that’s what he’s left me longing for.

    1. Awww I was in the same situation. It felt weirdly fast but I thought he loved me. I was never allowed to be myself though or express my feelings. He made me a shell of my former self and left, cut all contract and moved on to his next victim. It will work out this time though as she has the money and family that will provide for him. It’s been the most painful experience – he took everything he could from me until there was no more and shut me out without a thought for my feelings or my sons.
      No one should experience that type of person and it just shows how shallow and disrespectful they are. I’m still healing and it will be a long time before I can trust anyone with my heart again.

      1. No, it won’t work with her either Mel, he will take all he can. Will destroy her name and reputation and if her family interfere will destroy theirs too. He won’t change.

    2. Mine has been gone 3 weeks . Wont respond to me Wont talk or text. He is back at a halfway house. On medication for bipolar and trying not to do crack. Bought motorcycle but 2 months behind on truck payment. Posting everything on facebook. Where he’s going what he’s eating and how blessed he feels. He hasn’t blocked me but if I text or call he doesn’t respond. I am at a loss. The week before he has sent a text saying he wanted to start a honeymoon fund. I lost my grandmother Feb 8 My daughter Feb 14 and now him. I am so sad. Silence is awful.. Not sure why he hasn’t blocked me

    3. Yes exactly the same here!!! My boyfriend spoilt me gave me a car some big presents we were often talking about getting married buying a canal barge and living morgage free so I can just draw and focus on my art all day!!! what an awesome dream eh?! then BOOOOM one day he disappeared and three days later when I finally got him on the phone he was not wanting to tell me where he had been I got angry told him to F*** O** then that was it my fault intirally for him getting back with his ex! who he moved in with over christmas showered her with gifts left her two weeks later for the same reason … she asked him where he had been when he was three hours late?!!! meantime he has been back to me!!! But has been very very cold!!! Hes like a drug to me and I want him back!!! But I know hes really bad for me, says I’m being weird and he doesnt need my shit in his life!!!! hes back with her again now and it hurts like hell!!! I want the honeymoon period back when he pretended I was his soul mate and he loved me!!!!

      1. Hi Cynthia, while I don’t recognise this as Sociopathy, I can resonate with your pain of discard. This can be so painful and leave you feeling worthless. How long after splitting with his ex did you meet? How long were you together?

  3. Surreal is exactly the words I use to describe my soon to be narc / socio ex husband. After all he knew I had been through my life before him…to take that, feign love, draw me and my little girl in his web then four years later turn like a rabid animal and drive a stake into my mind and heart and leave my girl watching her mom deconstruct mentally and spiritually in front of her. I was raised by socios and married one. Now I am alone, no family or friends. I trust no one but my girl. Doubt I will again. I have been date raped and physically and emotionally abused growing up…nothing prepared me for this level of sadism. Nothing.

    1. Hugs for you. Take your healing one day at a time. It does take time. It sounds as if you have been through so much in your life. You can rebuild. You have the love of a little girl who will look up to you, and be inspired by your bravery, to do it for. It will get better.

  4. Faced the monster in court for the last time. As I suspected the court dismissed it but supposedly kept the peace bond active. The monster had his best mask on with a suit, weight loss and the right “talk” to the judge. I should be happy he has moved on and forgotten me. A part of me is still angry and broken. I could have had my baby by now. I’m numb and awkward now when it comes to men. Will I ever be and feel normal again?

  5. I have been to hell…with the sociopath I lived with for the past 7 years. Last May 27th,2016…he was diagnosed with leukemia. I was his caregiver. Ladies and gentlemen..I lived in that hospital,then another hospital out of town with him. He needed a bone marrow transplant. I did not want to be the main caregiver for the BMT, as we had to go through 3 days of intense counseling to make sure we had a good relationship and he was in good hands with me. I lied to counselor…or else “he would not get the bone marrow transplant”…he has 4 grown kids,a mother,tons of friends…but it was on me. I am not complaining about being his caregiver. It was precious and out of love. I quit my job to do this for him….we lived in the hospital for close to a year…then a hotel 5 minutes from the hospital. Then…we came home. Drove 2 hours 1x a week for lab work. The last m.d. appt..he got the news he was in remission and could return to work. That was April 12. April 13th he moved out within 20 minutes. I was left feeling USED IN WAYS I CANT EXPLAIN….and destitute from not working…..

    1. You were kind to him. That speaks to who you are. You are a decent human being. Value yourself for that.
      Him— let him go. Please. He may try to reconnect when he needs something. Don’t. You’ve done your part. You do not have to keep throwing yourself under the bus for him. He is a user. When you say no he will moveon to someone else he can use.
      You can move on and love yourself. See yourself for the thoughtful, kind person that you are. You deserve to be loved, respected, appreciated. Do yhat for yourself. Then, maybe, you’ll find someone else who loves, respects, appreciates you. If not, it’s okay. You ddon’t need another to validate your worth. You especially don’t need anoyher whose mission is to use you and devalue you.
      May you find peace. Keep plugging!

      1. Hi Mary, please heed positivgirl’s advice. It will not be different. Please let this be the last time.

    1. Was friends with someone for years and had worked with him many many years ago. I was in another country and going through a separation when we connected. Everything was amazing, the attention, the hourly attention, texts, phone calls and plans. Lots of plans. Thought he was the one. He was due to come to my city (we never even SAW one another during a 10 week long distance romance) and then he turned on me. Turned really bad. Sent me hate texts, sent private and horrendous emails to my husband (who by the way stuck by me and we reconciled!) then even threatened my life and his own once. He said he would distribute a picture of me to my daughters school that I had taken for him and was provocative. Then after a month he sent the longest and most heartfelt apology, noting he knew my husband and I got back together and he wished me every happiness etc. He had the gall to ask if we could eventually be friends again. I wrote him a letter saying to never contact me again, that he revealed himself to me & that we could never be friends. I haven’t heard from him in a month. He must have moved on to some other victim. Good riddance. What a nightmare. All I can say is, arm yourself with loads of data on this subject and each day that passes that you are happy and rid of that ginormous lie, you are better for it.

      1. Lord I was in a long distance relationship as well. Loved him with all my heart and soul. I was so sick by the discard but I am getting better each day by reading up on the sociopath. It certainly helps.

  6. I have been discarded after he verbally abused and pushed my son and we walked away from him. Apparently I made HIS life hell and after I left he text to say we were over. He has his things at my house and has left me financially skint.
    I am feeling like I am having a complete breakdown, panic attacks, anxiety, everything and everywhere reminds me of him and creates panic in me.
    I don’t think he will try to come back to me. He has to collect his things tomorrow and I will be leaving the house with my children.
    I have had lots of support from friends and family to help me escape him this time.
    I thought I’d be happy he’s gone but I’m desperately sad. WHY IS MY BRAIN DOING THIS TO ME!!

    1. It’s called trauma bonding. During idealization, dopamine and endorphins fill your brain like a drug. Then it gets taken away little by little making you feel like you are going through withdrawal from addiction. Your brain is actually rewired. It takes time , but if you remain no contact, you WILL heal. Each day will get better. Read a lot about anti social personality disorder and realize it wasn’t your fault and he will never change or get help. If you need someone to talk to, you can contact me.

      1. I was with a man for 3 years who is a narcissistic sociopath. It wasn’t until a few months ago I realized what he was. I suffered emotional and verbal abuse daily and sometimes physical abuse. It has been one week since no contact accept for today. I responded to an email of his telling him angrily how I felt about what he did. I am extremely emotional trying to cope with the reality of what had happened. Trying to piece my life back together because he shattered me. It was an emotional roller coaster and he would blame me for his abusive behavior. He didn’t have any authentic remorse. I’ve been betrayed. I gave him everything, was loyal and faithful to him. Yet he would accuse me of cheating out of thin air. He was actually the one who was on the internet in the middle of the night and would clear the history. He professed he was loyal to me. Then last week out of nowhere he threw me out of the house in a drunken entitlement rage and told me I was dead to him. Said he was going to kill me and people in my family. Took a baseball bat and started beating the couch. Then said he was cheating on me and going to cheat on me. He sent me texts that same night of the same. Then I blocked him the next morning. Initially I felt safe to be away from him. Now I am struggling with the trauma/betrayal bond. I am starting therapy but it can’t happen soon enough. I am in agony over what has happened.

    2. I was discarded 8/27/17 by my first love. We were reunited after 15 years of being apart. I had no idea what he was and is….

    3. I feel your pain! I too have been with one for 7 years living together, been married for 3 months and now his mask is off. Hang in there as I’m trying TRUST IN GOD!! Much Love ❤️

  7. It has been 2 months, and one relapse on my part – but I am finally letting go and moving on and seeing him for the horror he truly is.

    1. I was discarded 6x in 3 years and I’m telling you it gets easier . After he took me to financial ruin and after all the emotional and physical abuse the thi g that finally truly opened my eyes to how evil inhumane he is was me asking him for 100 for groceries and him refusing . He owes me tbousands.. and he couldn’t help me w groceries. As trivial compared to all he’s done that truly showed me how low he’d go.

      1. It’s been 3 months for me now and I finally feel like me again. It’s such a weird feeling.
        It feels amazing and liberating to no longer be living in his life or lies and not knowing what the hell reality was.
        I feel more positive and healthy and actually look and feel much better.
        I was made to feel so worthless for so long then he just disregarded me, as he had a new interest to feed from. I did feel down about this and he did not feel I was worth explaining matter to – in fact he made me feel like I was going crazy thinking he had moved on when he had.
        Anyway the point is it does get better and you should not get down as you are stronger, healthier and happier and that poor sod that is stuck with him now has to suffer those Awful feelings someway or another.
        There is always a pattern and she won’t be the last.
        Yes there are horrible people out there but now we know how to spot them and it’s the best feeling.
        I have no regrets, I’m happy I found a stronger happier me again.


      2. Only for 14 months but probably the longest unhappiest 14 months of my life – I seen the signs I ignored them and I fell into the trap. But I’m out of it now and I have no regrets because this has certainly toughened me up. 😊

  8. I have recently been abruptly discarded. Feeling so hurt, angry & upset all at the same time. How can the same person who showered me with love & affection act so brutally cold?! Getting angry & upset towards him served no purpose other than making me feel worse. Realised eventually to stay true to myself by being nice and walking away. Pain is pretty unbearable right now, constantly wishing I could turn back the clock to when I thought everything was so perfect – it’s hard to stomach that it wasn’t real. With some more time, I hope things start to get a little easier. Sorry to everyone else who has had to suffer like this.

    1. I am sorry you are hurting Jenna. You ask how could somebody who showered you with such ‘love’ and ‘affection, be so brutally cold?

      The truth is, what you are seeing now is the reality. They fake it so that they can get what they want. Because they do not experience the same range of human emotions, they can walk away, without guilt remorse or shame.

      I know the truth is so difficult to come to terms with. It can be easier to accept the lie than the truth. I also remember how much it hurt. I can say, that with time, with focus onto you, and not onto him, that you can heal and recover.

    2. I really feel you. It’s the same for me. Someone who acted like the love of my life and soulmate should and would never do that. It’s a game to them and it’s sick. It makes me angry that I am still suffering and he’s moved on as if he wasn’t telling me how he could never recover if he lost me, how he could not live without me for almost 5 years and up until 3 months ago when I discovered a solid proof of his lies. Once I presented it to him, he no way out and stonewalled me instead. I feel your pain and I also feel very frustrated with it. At least we are not alone and we now know. The light will shine on us again.

  9. I recently fell back into the trap. Got back in contact with him because I miss him dearly as a friend even tho I was the one always there for him but never the other way around. It hasn’t been 2 weeks and I’m getting the silent treatment. Weather it’s about me or not it’s happening again. I don’t know what I was thinking. I really need to let him go.

    1. Hey Tee, well first of all forgive you, for falling back into the trap. They groom you, while at the same time, stripping you to the core.

      None of the energy was ever going into building the relationship (even when you thought it was) it was going into building him. The constant relentless games. So why would he go back to you? To do the same thing again? The reason for this, is ‘because he can’ and EGO. He likes the power and control, but at the same time gets easily bored. Likely could have other options elsewhere.

      Tee, remember this THE OUTCOME WILL ALWAYS BE THE SAME. You cannot fix what is unfixable. You cannot repair what is unrepairable. You only have the power to heal and repair you.

      So now, you are back in the loop…how do you ‘end’ when someone is ignoring you? Last time you ended it, was it you that ended it?

      1. Hi,

        Yes it was me that finally had the upper hand. He gave me the silent treatment for no reason at all. It was his monthly thing to do. I’d always go back or he would find a reason to reach out to me and I would be so happy to hear from him. I’d finally got tired and told him I was done playing games with him. I started dating and he got wind of it and texted me and called me. I ignored both attempts and he disappeared while stalking me online daily. I was 2 months into no contact with him. I missed him and text him one night. I told him I missed him and he acted like he didn’t believe me. He wanted to see me immediately. The next day I gave in. I drove to see him. He didn’t open the door or answer his phone. I left and he text me the next morning saying that I took too long. He even went so far as saying “you probably were never even here”. And he had the nerve to ask me to drive over again. I went. We talked for 2 days after that and then mid text he disappears yet again. This has been goin on for a year. I think he is bipolar as well as NPD. The silent treatments started very early on around the 2nd week of meeting him. I’ve gotten so use to them. Since then I have learned that he has NPD and can’t change. He’s used triangulation on social media against me. He’s called me names and disappeared only to show back up 7 days later to contact me. Thank you for your advice. I don’t understand my attachment to him. Though I do remember the bittersweet moments in the beginning where he made me feel like I was the one and that I was different from the rest. We had an intense connection. I don’t understand how any of it couldn’t have been real.

      2. I’ve probably been discarded by him around 8 times in the year. One time was right before my birthday because I questioned his odd behavior. He gave me the silent treatment and had the nerve to text me on my birthday to say happy birthday and then continues with the silent treatment until a month and went back again. If I wait a month he accepts me back. The cycle is so dizzying. I won’t go back again.

  10. Hi! New Here. Been discarded about two months now. I’m still having a bit of withdrawal. I was never in any type of romantic situation before this. I’m pretty scared. I do not want to deal with dating for a long time, this was only 8 months total, but I could tell in the beginning he was a narc, I just let myself fall b/c the love bomb phase was so intense, and amazing to me. No one has ever made me feel like that, you guys! Its supper addicting, plus i’m an HSP, it was a lock and key situation. I feel so numb. :/

  11. I was in a 18 year marriage with my husband. We never fought or even had a cross word towards each other! He acted as though he adored me from the time we got together until a month and two weeks ago! He left to go run a errand but before leaving he gave me a kiss and hug as always and returned a hour later a completely different person! He said that we needed to talk, it was important! He then coldly, emotionless and with no feelings in his eyes said, ” I (he) had been having an affair for the last 3 1/2 years and I (he) was in love with her and wasn’t in love with me anymore! I was devastated, confused and shattered! I am seeing a therapist and have tried twice to commit suicide by taking 60 xanax two weeks apart, once was 2 days after he told me and again two weeks later! God won’t take me so I am trying to get help with a therapist and now a psychiatrist. Why can’t I get mad or move on?

    1. Aw Rose. 18 years is such a long time. How devastating for you. To have no clue that the man you had shared so much of your life with had betrayed you and for such a long time.

      I am however pleased that you were not successful with your suicide attempt. I have written a post about suicide. Either find it using search bar above or i will try to find the post for you. I am pleased that you are getting professional help and support.

      I hear your pain. I am so sorry that you are hurting. Hang in there.

      1. Thank you so much! I am doing better but I still have painful days even with the three day a week therapy! I don’t think I will truly ever get over this😔

  12. I am just the first day away from my partner , I am 7 months pregnant with a sociopath, he is 19 years older then me. We had a relationship off and on for over 2 years . He had lied to me for well over a year about his ex that was living with him. He kept saying she was moving out and they weren’t together and I was so naive and had such low self esteem because I was just going through my separation with my two daughters father and then this man swept in and seemed like the night in shining armour . He was always there to text and to talk to me and he seemed so interested in my life .
    When really he was just wanted to use me for the sex and the attention I gave him. For 2 years I really thought he wanted me and I was dumb enough to believe his lies. No matter how many times I caught him messaging other women he would still turn it all around on me and I would end up feeling like the crazy one. Like I was the one who did something wrong when I didn’t.
    I then was finally done with him ( so I thought) and had started to date a nice man. And he found out and got extremely jealous and controlling , he started messaging me and convinced me to meet him one last time so he said and I ended up pregnant .
    So just 3 months ago he said he wanted to officially be exclusive with me ( lies lies lies ) and wanted me to live with him, I was almost fully moved in and then found more messages from him and another woman. Devastated , I packed my family up and went back to my rental. He then after 2 weeks convinced me to start talking to him again. Being pregnant and alone I started to see him. And then something wasn’t sitting well with how he was acting last night . He told me work was very busy and I stopped by work and he was gone , for 45 mins he ignored all my calls and I know exactly what he was doing. He is a serial cheater and liar.

    I am so hurt and depressed and lost . How can someone pretend , and be everything I ever wanted but then when I’m not around he’s texting so many other women, not just one, but multiple. And to tell me he loves our son and baby so much and then go and have sex with other women. I feel so low and disgusted . And I have my baby coming in 12 weeks and I am just so sad .

  13. I was discarded a week ago. Admittedly I packed his belongings as a threat to try and see get him to see how he had changed in the hope that he would become my husband again how he was before. I made it clear if he took the belongings that he was making the choice to leave and all I was doing was trying to show him how much he was hurting us. He chose to leave. I’m not sure if he’s a narcissist, bits of him are, bits of him aren’t. He’s a cocaine addict and admitted that he had messed up again and it was out of control. I had suspected and I think I had put the pressure on him asking about money and he couldn’t face it anymore. I’ve barely heard from him since. I’ve gone no contact to let him know I’m angry and not begging so maybe he can get some head space. It’s just beyond me that someone can just leave and act like I’ve never existed, or the three children he has brought up as his own. He did this last time when the habit got out of control. I’ve had no explanation, I do not know his intentions. I am stronger this time than last but it’s scary not knowing our future. Maybe there is someone else, I just don’t know. I am so upset, I love him and I am worried about it. It’s so lonely.

  14. Hello all!
    It has been a little over 2 months for me… the man I thought was the love of my life stopped loving me just like turning a switch.
    What I saw in his eyes the last time I saw him was nothing like the man I fell in love with. He was cold and empty, filled with darkness. He told me to leave like 50 times and with tears in my eyes I walked away…
    I miss him everyday, I miss what I had with him
    and I still cry over what happened, he has 2 small children who I became very attached to and I miss them dearly as well. I wonder how they are doing on a daily basis.
    He has not contacted me at all and I know he is back with the girl he was with prior to meeting me.
    I know that I dodged a bullet the day I walked out of that house, but I can’t help it and I want the closure I think I deserve. I loved him so much and he was never ever able to feel that and it makes me so sad.
    Time does heal all wounds and this too shall pass, but a reminder that I’m not alone in this journey is always so good. Thank you to you all who share your stories here, because it’s after reading them that I pick myself back up and hold my head high knowing that I didn’t lose, he did… because my love is so worth it!

  15. Hello all!
    It has been a little over 2 months for me… the man I thought was the love of my life stopped loving me just like turning off a switch.
    I miss him everyday, I miss what I had with him
    and I still cry a lot over all the lies and deceit. He has 2 small children who I became very attached to and I miss them dearly as well. I wonder how they are doing on a daily basis. But I can’t let that be the reason to contact him because I know he will destroy me again.
    The last time I saw him replays over and over in my head, the man that said he loved me and promised me the world was no longer there, all I saw was coldness in his eyes and darkness in his soul. I was devastated, but had to walk away since he told me he was done with me.
    He has not contacted me at all and I know he is back with the girl he was prior to meeting me.
    I know that I dodged the bullet there, but I can’t help it and want the closure I think I deserve. I loved him so much and he was never able to feel that and it makes me so sad.
    I do feel things get better and time does heal all wounds, I have learned that sometimes the reason we encounter evil people is to learn to love ourselves in the healing process.
    I know I’m stronger than I was was while I was with him and I have learned about my self worth.
    Finding these posts and all the comments makes me feel like I’m not alone for you all have endured the heartbreak and the aftermath of this type of toxic relationship.
    I still don’t know if I’m strong enough to face him and say “no” to him if he were ever to come back, but one thing I know for sure is that I will not blame myself for what happened and I will remember the times I sobbed on my bathroom floor for the man who I thought was my soulmate.
    Thank you for reading and blessings to your hurting hearts.

  16. I am struggling. I was doing so much better for a brief period … distracted by evacuating for a hurricane, the start of a new job, etc. It’s my dreams at night that are relentless and completely out of my control. I miss the magnetism and energy of our friendship so very much. I worked so hard to avoid thinking about anything to do with this person and the past after having suffered through the depression of embracing the loss for so many, many months. I just don’t understand why my sleeping brain insists on focusing on this person … constantly conjuring scenarios where I can get closure (but only in my dreams). It’s wreaking havoc on my waking hours and my ability to ward off the memories, longing, disappointment, and confusion. I want an apology and an explanation so badly I can practically taste it knowing that it’s NEVER going to happen. How do I finally get my brain to turn all that off? How do I get away from that lingering past? I’ve never had this issue with past relationships. I’m baffled, depressed, and desperate for relief.

    1. It is tough. A good tip is to focus on gratitude. This works because it changes your thinking process to positive. It occupies your mind. It starts to change your thinking, and it gets you back in control. I mean gratitude about EVERYTHING. Your bed you sleep in, water in your tap. Electricity, food in the cupboard. THat one friend. Your neighbourhood. People who serve in shops. Birds flying outside. Anything at all that brings you job. Gratitude and gratitude, it sounds stupid but it really does work. The mind cannot take a joke.

  17. Hello everyone,
    First of all, it is sad but comforting to be reading this blog and everyone’s stories and comments. I was so confused after what I went through, I thought I was going to go crazy. Not many people around me understood but I still got a good support for which I am grateful.
    Reading all this was a rude awakening but also, I finally understand and can process everything that had happened to me. I am accepting the fact that I’ve been completely duped by the love of my life and my soulmate (or so I thought that’s who he was).
    He is the next level high end charismatic type of sociopath and never really conned me for anything. On the contrary, he was generous with me and contributed more than his fare share. He does work but he does not abide by rules, goes by his own time (frequently bails or cancels at the last minute), pays his bills late etc…and yet, he has kids he adores. He is somewhat overbearing and controlling with them but I believe he truly loves them and puts them above all.
    He never devalued me, loved everything about me and loved me like no other. The connection was beyond belief and out of this world. I could not believe my luck. But he did have a family and what I thought was over with his wife was not, despite him coming over to live with me. I think he did live a parasitic life with her and then expected to eventually transfer that onto me if I didn’t catch him in a cheating lie. So he was duping his wife (working on the road) and then duping me with her and then others on top of that. A triple life! When a text from another woman came to his phone while I was holding it he made up a ridiculous story. I was shocked but quickly calmed down and accepted it but his reaction was so over the top that I immediately knew that he was guilty. It was as if I did something wrong and not him. He even threw up. Still, I loved him so much I put up with it but from there, I discovered more and started confronting him which he could not stand and accused me of calling him out of his character. He told me how much he loved me till the day I showed him yet another proof of his cheating and then suddenly he cut me off, no explanation, nothing. He texted me once and wanted to talk but in the end bailed out. I think he was just checking if I was still hooked, which I still kind of was. I still had some hope. Now I see it for what it was and he is a stranger to me. I cannot believe the level of deceit and the trouble he went through to keep up all his lies to everyone. Except for the conning, the Sociopath profile fits him like a glove. I am sickened and disheartened. This was 5 years of my life thinking myself the luckiest girl in the world.

  18. Does anyone have any advice on how to go about healing if I work with him? I see and hear him every day. I cannot and refuse to leave my company as I love working here. I keep my office door closed but really don’t want to do that either, as I may a victim, I will not hide. He goes about his day with no emotion on his face, after wasting 10+ months of my life. He is an ugly ugly person, and he has done awful things to his previous victims, victims who he referred to as psycho’s.
    I don’t have family here, and my friends have their own families and lives. I just don’t know how to get out of this rut. It’s been 2 weeks.
    Any advice would be helpful. I feel very much alone and lonely. Oh god, the loneliness is awful. 😦

    1. I think reading and getting your answers on blogs like these to help you understand that what these people do has nothing to do with you, even if what they’ve done to you did and still is affecting you. In the end, it is that and lots of empathy toward yourself is what you need. There is another blog that helped me a lot and it might help you as well – I hope it helps. Be strong and kind to yourself.

  19. Sooo many questions!!
    I’ve thought and over thought this situation I’m in so many times through 2.5 years! I’ve now even questioned if I’m the narcissist instead of him because of my urge to speak to him and then trying to go no contact? Is that normal? Even when he’s hurt me, I end up apologising for me trying to then get in touch with him, or being sensitive.
    When do you know if your receiving the “normal” silent treatment or when it’s over? I live between hoping I’ll hear from them again or the opposite where they tell me it’s over and I can live my life again.

  20. I can’t do this. Was 49. Knew he lost a wife tragically. Thought ok. he can do committeemen. All my cards on table . Been singe a decade now. Know can’t breakup again. Not in me. Single happily for a reason.
    Oh but promised me a fairytale. So sweet. Wanted to believe.
    Now 9 years later disappears. At Christmas. No way to reach him. Dad coming for cancer treatment ( he lives out of town. I don’t drive. Even if wanted health issues preventing . . My own health problems took job
    Shouldn’t love him but I do. I need him back to help me. My Dad will be devasted. 83. Heart condition. I am terrified. Can’t do this.

  21. I’m so greatful I found this. I dated a guy for almost the last year. He was amazing and after a horrible marriage I felt like I finally found what I always wanted. I moved him into my house and helped him find a job in the area. He told my two children that he would never leave and how much he loved them and me. We had plans of a wedding, having a child, had booked and trip and bought gifts for the girls to go on the trip for Christmas. The week before Christmas he was off. He went back to his old town and was really strange. He came back and told me how much he wanted and needed me. The next morning he asked me to bring his phone to work as he forgot it. There was a text between him and his ex on how much he loved her and how much she loved him. A common problem to our relationship with triangleation. I called him back at his job and told him to move out right away. I can’t believe it. He never apologized and hasn’t contacted me since. Christmas was horrible and my girls miss him so much. I had no clue who he really was. Makes me so sad

    1. I am so sorry that you are feeling sad, and your Christmas, a time that should be happy was ruined by someone like this. However, I am happy that you know now, and that you got him to leave your life. I wonder if he had ever stopped contact with his ex?

  22. Jeuesia,
    I completely identify with what you said. I saw the “red flags”. I knew in my gut that he wasn’t right – but omigod, the” love bomb” phase! Wrong term in my opinion. Bullshit phase would be so much more accurate. They never “loved” anyone but themselves.. Whatever it was, the intensity of it got to me and I let myself fall hard. Then I tolerated the verbal abuse and the continual mind fuck that he unleashed once he knew I was invested. It has been two months since he left and I still dream about it and have the occasional panic attack. I understand that there really was no “devaluing “ of me because I was never valued by him. I was a target and that is all. I feel like I was poisoned over 8 1/2 months and I just wish that I could purge it more quickly.

    1. You are right about the bullshit phase. It is called love bomb, because they come at force, like a bomb going off in your life. It is understandable that you fell hard. They do the equivalent of ‘grooming’. I agree with you, about the feeling poisoned. Have you seen the video liar by Rollins?

      Warning – this can be triggering.

      It sounds like you have a good understanding of what has happened to you. Which is great in a 2 month period. I found that speeding up the process (I was pretty gone so recovery took me a long time) was to first start focusing on gratitude, for things that you wouldn’t usually be grateful for. Your home, bed you sleep in, water in the taps, food in the shops, delivery people who deliver the food, people that serve you in the shops etc. I found that this helped me to ground me back to MY reality, rather than the reality that was created for me.

      Set yourself some goals, even if short goals, and reward yourself when you have achieved those goals. Read some of the posts about healing and recovery (there is a search bar on the site). It does take time. Someone deliberately targeted you, and abused you. You cannot put it in any other way. But you can heal and recover. He has no further power over you. I am pleased that you are free… I wish you speedy recovery!! 🙂

  23. Thanks for the encouragement, Positivagirl. I have seen that video. I’m pretty sure I showed it to him once. Smh, I didn’t understand how relevant it really was. I will work on the gratitude. You are the second person I have seen say this.
    I am still neck deep in the hate (hurt, really) and try to find ways to destroy him place. I have actually gotten some real revenge. Things I can’t even mentioned because they aren’t legal. I am finding that they do not make me feel better. Obviously, I need to let it go.

    1. Letting go is the most challenging thing to do when you have been groomed. It can make you feel like you are going crazy. You know that this person is bad for you. Betrayal burns. I think it can burn holes in your soul. I was reading articles about soul loss. About what can happen to the soul at the time of trauma. Maybe you might find it interesting too? Focusing on gratitude does work, as it starts to undo the mindfuckery that they place you under (like a spell) and gets your brain back for you, your world and your life. it takes practice. I still practice gratitude every day.

  24. And I do realize that as long as I continue to feel the need for any kind of “revenge “ he still has the power over me. Only I can take it back. I’m just not sure how at this point.

      1. I guess I’m finding that to be at least somewhat true. There is no end to it unless I let it go and I’m not really free until I do. Like I said, I just can’t seem to figure out how to actually do that. Hopefully focusing on gratitude will help.

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