Coping with pain after discard

Understanding sociopath discard, and the silence of No closure!


Being in a relationship with a sociopath, can be a whirlwind of emotions. You can be told one thing, yet actions never match the words. There are different types, some are more openly narcissistic and abusive, others, are more charismatic.

The regular pattern of a narcissist is

  • Idealise
  • Devalue
  • Discard

Whilst all sociopaths are narcissists, not all narcissists are sociopaths.

The sociopath, is a compulsive pathological liar. Because of this, you do not always witness the devalue stage to your face. The more charismatic that the sociopath is, the less likely you will be to witness the devalue stage. Remember that the sociopath finds being honest, and telling the truth, more difficult to say, than the lie.

This means that you can see the relationship move swiftly, from idealise – discard, and not witness the devalue stage. The devaluing stage is happening, but not to your face. It will be happening behind your back. The narcissist would openly devalue you, put you down, belittle you and will undermine you. A charismatic sociopath struggles with the truth. For the charismatic sociopath, telling the truth is more painful than telling the lie, or keeping up pretence. Due to this, is common, that you will not witness the relationship coming to an end, as you would in an ordinary relationship. It is often sudden and without warning.

Or additionally, the sociopath might deliberately start a row with you. Blame you for something. Turn something around on you. The thinking behind this is so that you would end the relationship, saving the sociopath the need to do so.

Another way for a sociopath to end the relationship, might be to behave really unreasonably. Refuse to talk to you. Pick a fight, or be overly controlling. This is deliberate behaviour designed to infuriate you, so that you find him intolerable, and end the relationship yourself.

Often, there is no warning at all. The sociopath will disappear from your life, suddenly and without warning.

However the relationship comes to an end, it is often shocking. You are left with your senses reeling, and feeling absolutely confused about what has just happened. Sometimes you can be with the sociopath one day, and he is telling you how much he loves you, and wants to spend the rest of his life with you. The next day, he is gone. Or the next day, for no reason at all there will be a huge argument, and you are left wondering how did that happen, and ultimately, blame yourself.

What is the effect of sociopath discard?

The lack of closure at the end of the relationship with the sociopath can be particularly damaging. It can delay healing, and it can leave you feeling, that the relationship is not quite over. You might feel:

  • Confused
  • Bewildered
  • Lost
  • Desperate for answers
  • A longing and neediness to understand
  • Wanting back the honeymoon stage
  • Unsure if the relationship is actually over or not?
  • Self-blame
  • Manipulated, conned and deceived

More than likely the biggest feeling will be one of confusion.   You might be unsure if the relationship is actually over, because it has happened so suddenly, and there was no build up, no warning, no time to prepare, it can feel shocking.

The one thing that you will feel desperate for is answers. Sadly, the one person that can give you those answers is the person that you were in the relationship with, well this is ordinarily so. this is not the case when you are in the relationship with the sociopath. The last person that you want to go to for answers is the compulsive pathological liar.

I would imagine that many of you who read this, who didn’t know that he was a sociopath, might have got the word ‘sociopath’, simply by researching ‘liar’ or ‘compulsive liar’.

It is normal to want answers. Answers give understanding, and help with closure. Without this, you can feel lost, unsure what is happening.

In a healthy, normal relationship, the following things happen prior to breakup

  • Negative or limited communication
  • Emotional distance
  • Lack of physical warmth
  • Time apart
  • Feeling negative towards your partner, and unable to see positive things about them
  • Thoughts about the relationship coming to an end
  • Feeling unhappy

Normal and healthy relationships can and do come to an end. However, normally, some of the relationship breakup is experienced whilst still in the relationship.

With a sociopath, this is not usually the case. Often with a sociopath, you have suspicions that things are going wrong. But the sociopath will lie, manipulate, and deceive. If you raise questions about your suspicions, you will be told that you are crazy, and that it is not really like that at all.

You might question your mind whilst in the relationship with the sociopath, but the sociopath is good at continuing to deceive you. Not wanting to be hurt, or to have another relationship breakdown, you accept the explanations.

This is why it is particularly difficult and painful, when you experience discard from the sociopath, as you are left feeling confused.

Why does the sociopath discard in this way?

There are many reasons why the sociopath will suddenly discard his partner. Always, the reasons have little to do with you. It has everything to do with him and his needs and wishes.

The sociopath wears a mask. But he will only wear that mask for as long as it is getting him what he wants. The sociopath is not emotionally connected, to you or anybody else. Whilst the sociopath might show connection, this would only be a disguise, to to serve his own needs.

When the sociopath realises that he can have better supply elsewhere, or if he feels that supply with you is coming to an end he will leave you without warning. The sociopath would have sourced a new victim for supply, but this would have been done behind your back and without your knowledge.

To do so, it is likely that the sociopath, needed to play victim, to the new source. Often they would have made complaints about you, to gain sympathy and win support. Again, this will be something that you have absolutely no knowledge of, until later.

The sociopath works hard to ensure that his pathway for escape is clear.

You might think, well, if he doesn’t want to be with me anymore, why can’t he give me closure, why can’t he call me? Why can’t he meet with me?

The reason is simple, and it is four things

  • The sociopath is selfish, and only thinks of his own needs
  • He might want to come back for further source of supply at a later date
  • To prevent exposure
  • To stay in control

How do you get over this?

You might wonder how do you get over this? How can you get over this if you have no answers? You might wonder if the sociopath is going to come back, and you might have a longing for the honeymoon period again. You might be left feeling bewildered and confused.

  • Remember NOBODY stays confused forever
  • Remember that the sociopath is a liar, you couldn’t get the truth when you were IN the relationship – you therefore won’t get the truth when it has ended
  • No contact is the way for YOU to regain control
  • Block email, phone, text, social networking sites, and take back control of you, and your life
  • Yes YOU can choose to move on from this!
  • Read as much as you can. Find out as much information as you can. The more you learn, the more you understand, the quicker you will become set free
  • Take back your energy, and start loving YOU
  • Every day do something that makes you happy
  • Stay with the present
  • Think positive (you are what you think)
  • Realise that this is NOT your fault, there is nothing that you have done wrong (no matter what he says)
  • Don’t waste time wondering what he is doing
  • Make contact with others who have been through the same thing
  • Make yourself some new life goals
  • Be gentle on yourself
  • The most important rule of all is to NOT expect closure or answers from the sociopath
  • Remember – the sociopath is the liar, and if he gets back in touch, it is only because he wants to use you for further supply – you deserve better
  • Also remember that this is not just you, there are millions of us who have been through the same thing, which is why we can write and all understand each other

Copyright 2013


282 thoughts on “Coping with pain after discard

  1. My heart goes out to everyone who have posted their stories here. I sincerely hope each of you find peace, strength & stability. My friends & family are amazed when I leak out a story & they can’t understand why I stayed in such a toxic relationship. I had no idea what I was getting myself into but after getting to know her I’ve mostly witnessed an inured little bird flapping its broken wings unable to fly. I wanted to help & believed I could only to find out I can’t. Its impossible to help someone who doesn’t believe they need any. As they say, You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink. The heartache; the mix of deep emotional pain & confusion wreaked havoc on me. Still does and after years of reflection it all seems like a cloud of mist just hanging out there. Its so sureal, did that 7 year nightmare really happen.

  2. I have done a lot of research into this since my boyfriend left but this article describes what I have been through to a tee.
    There was no apparent abusive behaviour in the relationship. He was in fact everything I’ve ever wanted. Really went out of his way to spoil me and of course everything moved much quicker than I would normally allow.
    He literally changed overnight, spent a week keeping me at arms length, being cold and would never tell me what was wrong.
    This eventually erupted into an argument which gave him excuse to leave and blame it on me.
    He blocked all contact from me and within weeks was back with an ex of his.
    I’ve found this so hard as we were saving for a deposit, about to adopt a dog, looking for a car together. I thought my future was set.
    He was telling me he loved me and a week later, had gone.
    In my eyes our relationship was ‘perfect’, a perfect lie apparently and that’s what he’s left me longing for.

    1. Awww I was in the same situation. It felt weirdly fast but I thought he loved me. I was never allowed to be myself though or express my feelings. He made me a shell of my former self and left, cut all contract and moved on to his next victim. It will work out this time though as she has the money and family that will provide for him. It’s been the most painful experience – he took everything he could from me until there was no more and shut me out without a thought for my feelings or my sons.
      No one should experience that type of person and it just shows how shallow and disrespectful they are. I’m still healing and it will be a long time before I can trust anyone with my heart again.

      1. No, it won’t work with her either Mel, he will take all he can. Will destroy her name and reputation and if her family interfere will destroy theirs too. He won’t change.

  3. Surreal is exactly the words I use to describe my soon to be narc / socio ex husband. After all he knew I had been through my life before him…to take that, feign love, draw me and my little girl in his web then four years later turn like a rabid animal and drive a stake into my mind and heart and leave my girl watching her mom deconstruct mentally and spiritually in front of her. I was raised by socios and married one. Now I am alone, no family or friends. I trust no one but my girl. Doubt I will again. I have been date raped and physically and emotionally abused growing up…nothing prepared me for this level of sadism. Nothing.

    1. Hugs for you. Take your healing one day at a time. It does take time. It sounds as if you have been through so much in your life. You can rebuild. You have the love of a little girl who will look up to you, and be inspired by your bravery, to do it for. It will get better.

  4. Faced the monster in court for the last time. As I suspected the court dismissed it but supposedly kept the peace bond active. The monster had his best mask on with a suit, weight loss and the right “talk” to the judge. I should be happy he has moved on and forgotten me. A part of me is still angry and broken. I could have had my baby by now. I’m numb and awkward now when it comes to men. Will I ever be and feel normal again?

  5. I have been to hell…with the sociopath I lived with for the past 7 years. Last May 27th,2016…he was diagnosed with leukemia. I was his caregiver. Ladies and gentlemen..I lived in that hospital,then another hospital out of town with him. He needed a bone marrow transplant. I did not want to be the main caregiver for the BMT, as we had to go through 3 days of intense counseling to make sure we had a good relationship and he was in good hands with me. I lied to counselor…or else “he would not get the bone marrow transplant”…he has 4 grown kids,a mother,tons of friends…but it was on me. I am not complaining about being his caregiver. It was precious and out of love. I quit my job to do this for him….we lived in the hospital for close to a year…then a hotel 5 minutes from the hospital. Then…we came home. Drove 2 hours 1x a week for lab work. The last m.d. appt..he got the news he was in remission and could return to work. That was April 12. April 13th he moved out within 20 minutes. I was left feeling USED IN WAYS I CANT EXPLAIN….and destitute from not working…..

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