Coping with pain after discard

Understanding sociopath discard, and the silence of No closure!


Being in a relationship with a sociopath, can be a whirlwind of emotions. You can be told one thing, yet actions never match the words. There are different types, some are more openly narcissistic and abusive, others, are more charismatic.

The regular pattern of a narcissist is

  • Idealise
  • Devalue
  • Discard

Whilst all sociopaths are narcissists, not all narcissists are sociopaths.

The sociopath, is a compulsive pathological liar. Because of this, you do not always witness the devalue stage to your face. The more charismatic that the sociopath is, the less likely you will be to witness the devalue stage. Remember that the sociopath finds being honest, and telling the truth, more difficult to say, than the lie.

This means that you can see the relationship move swiftly, from idealise – discard, and not witness the devalue stage. The devaluing stage is happening, but not to your face. It will be happening behind your back. The narcissist would openly devalue you, put you down, belittle you and will undermine you. A charismatic sociopath struggles with the truth. For the charismatic sociopath, telling the truth is more painful than telling the lie, or keeping up pretence. Due to this, is common, that you will not witness the relationship coming to an end, as you would in an ordinary relationship. It is often sudden and without warning.

Or additionally, the sociopath might deliberately start a row with you. Blame you for something. Turn something around on you. The thinking behind this is so that you would end the relationship, saving the sociopath the need to do so.

Another way for a sociopath to end the relationship, might be to behave really unreasonably. Refuse to talk to you. Pick a fight, or be overly controlling. This is deliberate behaviour designed to infuriate you, so that you find him intolerable, and end the relationship yourself.

Often, there is no warning at all. The sociopath will disappear from your life, suddenly and without warning.

However the relationship comes to an end, it is often shocking. You are left with your senses reeling, and feeling absolutely confused about what has just happened. Sometimes you can be with the sociopath one day, and he is telling you how much he loves you, and wants to spend the rest of his life with you. The next day, he is gone. Or the next day, for no reason at all there will be a huge argument, and you are left wondering how did that happen, and ultimately, blame yourself.

What is the effect of sociopath discard?

The lack of closure at the end of the relationship with the sociopath can be particularly damaging. It can delay healing, and it can leave you feeling, that the relationship is not quite over. You might feel:

  • Confused
  • Bewildered
  • Lost
  • Desperate for answers
  • A longing and neediness to understand
  • Wanting back the honeymoon stage
  • Unsure if the relationship is actually over or not?
  • Self-blame
  • Manipulated, conned and deceived

More than likely the biggest feeling will be one of confusion.   You might be unsure if the relationship is actually over, because it has happened so suddenly, and there was no build up, no warning, no time to prepare, it can feel shocking.

The one thing that you will feel desperate for is answers. Sadly, the one person that can give you those answers is the person that you were in the relationship with, well this is ordinarily so. this is not the case when you are in the relationship with the sociopath. The last person that you want to go to for answers is the compulsive pathological liar.

I would imagine that many of you who read this, who didn’t know that he was a sociopath, might have got the word ‘sociopath’, simply by researching ‘liar’ or ‘compulsive liar’.

It is normal to want answers. Answers give understanding, and help with closure. Without this, you can feel lost, unsure what is happening.

In a healthy, normal relationship, the following things happen prior to breakup

  • Negative or limited communication
  • Emotional distance
  • Lack of physical warmth
  • Time apart
  • Feeling negative towards your partner, and unable to see positive things about them
  • Thoughts about the relationship coming to an end
  • Feeling unhappy

Normal and healthy relationships can and do come to an end. However, normally, some of the relationship breakup is experienced whilst still in the relationship.

With a sociopath, this is not usually the case. Often with a sociopath, you have suspicions that things are going wrong. But the sociopath will lie, manipulate, and deceive. If you raise questions about your suspicions, you will be told that you are crazy, and that it is not really like that at all.

You might question your mind whilst in the relationship with the sociopath, but the sociopath is good at continuing to deceive you. Not wanting to be hurt, or to have another relationship breakdown, you accept the explanations.

This is why it is particularly difficult and painful, when you experience discard from the sociopath, as you are left feeling confused.

Why does the sociopath discard in this way?

There are many reasons why the sociopath will suddenly discard his partner. Always, the reasons have little to do with you. It has everything to do with him and his needs and wishes.

The sociopath wears a mask. But he will only wear that mask for as long as it is getting him what he wants. The sociopath is not emotionally connected, to you or anybody else. Whilst the sociopath might show connection, this would only be a disguise, to to serve his own needs.

When the sociopath realises that he can have better supply elsewhere, or if he feels that supply with you is coming to an end he will leave you without warning. The sociopath would have sourced a new victim for supply, but this would have been done behind your back and without your knowledge.

To do so, it is likely that the sociopath, needed to play victim, to the new source. Often they would have made complaints about you, to gain sympathy and win support. Again, this will be something that you have absolutely no knowledge of, until later.

The sociopath works hard to ensure that his pathway for escape is clear.

You might think, well, if he doesn’t want to be with me anymore, why can’t he give me closure, why can’t he call me? Why can’t he meet with me?

The reason is simple, and it is four things

  • The sociopath is selfish, and only thinks of his own needs
  • He might want to come back for further source of supply at a later date
  • To prevent exposure
  • To stay in control

How do you get over this?

You might wonder how do you get over this? How can you get over this if you have no answers? You might wonder if the sociopath is going to come back, and you might have a longing for the honeymoon period again. You might be left feeling bewildered and confused.

  • Remember NOBODY stays confused forever
  • Remember that the sociopath is a liar, you couldn’t get the truth when you were IN the relationship – you therefore won’t get the truth when it has ended
  • No contact is the way for YOU to regain control
  • Block email, phone, text, social networking sites, and take back control of you, and your life
  • Yes YOU can choose to move on from this!
  • Read as much as you can. Find out as much information as you can. The more you learn, the more you understand, the quicker you will become set free
  • Take back your energy, and start loving YOU
  • Every day do something that makes you happy
  • Stay with the present
  • Think positive (you are what you think)
  • Realise that this is NOT your fault, there is nothing that you have done wrong (no matter what he says)
  • Don’t waste time wondering what he is doing
  • Make contact with others who have been through the same thing
  • Make yourself some new life goals
  • Be gentle on yourself
  • The most important rule of all is to NOT expect closure or answers from the sociopath
  • Remember – the sociopath is the liar, and if he gets back in touch, it is only because he wants to use you for further supply – you deserve better
  • Also remember that this is not just you, there are millions of us who have been through the same thing, which is why we can write and all understand each other

Copyright 2013


306 thoughts on “Coping with pain after discard”

  1. My heart goes out to everyone who have posted their stories here. I sincerely hope each of you find peace, strength & stability. My friends & family are amazed when I leak out a story & they can’t understand why I stayed in such a toxic relationship. I had no idea what I was getting myself into but after getting to know her I’ve mostly witnessed an inured little bird flapping its broken wings unable to fly. I wanted to help & believed I could only to find out I can’t. Its impossible to help someone who doesn’t believe they need any. As they say, You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink. The heartache; the mix of deep emotional pain & confusion wreaked havoc on me. Still does and after years of reflection it all seems like a cloud of mist just hanging out there. Its so sureal, did that 7 year nightmare really happen.

  2. I have done a lot of research into this since my boyfriend left but this article describes what I have been through to a tee.
    There was no apparent abusive behaviour in the relationship. He was in fact everything I’ve ever wanted. Really went out of his way to spoil me and of course everything moved much quicker than I would normally allow.
    He literally changed overnight, spent a week keeping me at arms length, being cold and would never tell me what was wrong.
    This eventually erupted into an argument which gave him excuse to leave and blame it on me.
    He blocked all contact from me and within weeks was back with an ex of his.
    I’ve found this so hard as we were saving for a deposit, about to adopt a dog, looking for a car together. I thought my future was set.
    He was telling me he loved me and a week later, had gone.
    In my eyes our relationship was ‘perfect’, a perfect lie apparently and that’s what he’s left me longing for.

    1. Awww I was in the same situation. It felt weirdly fast but I thought he loved me. I was never allowed to be myself though or express my feelings. He made me a shell of my former self and left, cut all contract and moved on to his next victim. It will work out this time though as she has the money and family that will provide for him. It’s been the most painful experience – he took everything he could from me until there was no more and shut me out without a thought for my feelings or my sons.
      No one should experience that type of person and it just shows how shallow and disrespectful they are. I’m still healing and it will be a long time before I can trust anyone with my heart again.

      1. No, it won’t work with her either Mel, he will take all he can. Will destroy her name and reputation and if her family interfere will destroy theirs too. He won’t change.

    2. Mine has been gone 3 weeks . Wont respond to me Wont talk or text. He is back at a halfway house. On medication for bipolar and trying not to do crack. Bought motorcycle but 2 months behind on truck payment. Posting everything on facebook. Where he’s going what he’s eating and how blessed he feels. He hasn’t blocked me but if I text or call he doesn’t respond. I am at a loss. The week before he has sent a text saying he wanted to start a honeymoon fund. I lost my grandmother Feb 8 My daughter Feb 14 and now him. I am so sad. Silence is awful.. Not sure why he hasn’t blocked me

  3. Surreal is exactly the words I use to describe my soon to be narc / socio ex husband. After all he knew I had been through my life before him…to take that, feign love, draw me and my little girl in his web then four years later turn like a rabid animal and drive a stake into my mind and heart and leave my girl watching her mom deconstruct mentally and spiritually in front of her. I was raised by socios and married one. Now I am alone, no family or friends. I trust no one but my girl. Doubt I will again. I have been date raped and physically and emotionally abused growing up…nothing prepared me for this level of sadism. Nothing.

    1. Hugs for you. Take your healing one day at a time. It does take time. It sounds as if you have been through so much in your life. You can rebuild. You have the love of a little girl who will look up to you, and be inspired by your bravery, to do it for. It will get better.

  4. Faced the monster in court for the last time. As I suspected the court dismissed it but supposedly kept the peace bond active. The monster had his best mask on with a suit, weight loss and the right “talk” to the judge. I should be happy he has moved on and forgotten me. A part of me is still angry and broken. I could have had my baby by now. I’m numb and awkward now when it comes to men. Will I ever be and feel normal again?

  5. I have been to hell…with the sociopath I lived with for the past 7 years. Last May 27th,2016…he was diagnosed with leukemia. I was his caregiver. Ladies and gentlemen..I lived in that hospital,then another hospital out of town with him. He needed a bone marrow transplant. I did not want to be the main caregiver for the BMT, as we had to go through 3 days of intense counseling to make sure we had a good relationship and he was in good hands with me. I lied to counselor…or else “he would not get the bone marrow transplant”…he has 4 grown kids,a mother,tons of friends…but it was on me. I am not complaining about being his caregiver. It was precious and out of love. I quit my job to do this for him….we lived in the hospital for close to a year…then a hotel 5 minutes from the hospital. Then…we came home. Drove 2 hours 1x a week for lab work. The last m.d. appt..he got the news he was in remission and could return to work. That was April 12. April 13th he moved out within 20 minutes. I was left feeling USED IN WAYS I CANT EXPLAIN….and destitute from not working…..

    1. You were kind to him. That speaks to who you are. You are a decent human being. Value yourself for that.
      Him— let him go. Please. He may try to reconnect when he needs something. Don’t. You’ve done your part. You do not have to keep throwing yourself under the bus for him. He is a user. When you say no he will moveon to someone else he can use.
      You can move on and love yourself. See yourself for the thoughtful, kind person that you are. You deserve to be loved, respected, appreciated. Do yhat for yourself. Then, maybe, you’ll find someone else who loves, respects, appreciates you. If not, it’s okay. You ddon’t need another to validate your worth. You especially don’t need anoyher whose mission is to use you and devalue you.
      May you find peace. Keep plugging!

      1. Hi Mary, please heed positivgirl’s advice. It will not be different. Please let this be the last time.

    1. Was friends with someone for years and had worked with him many many years ago. I was in another country and going through a separation when we connected. Everything was amazing, the attention, the hourly attention, texts, phone calls and plans. Lots of plans. Thought he was the one. He was due to come to my city (we never even SAW one another during a 10 week long distance romance) and then he turned on me. Turned really bad. Sent me hate texts, sent private and horrendous emails to my husband (who by the way stuck by me and we reconciled!) then even threatened my life and his own once. He said he would distribute a picture of me to my daughters school that I had taken for him and was provocative. Then after a month he sent the longest and most heartfelt apology, noting he knew my husband and I got back together and he wished me every happiness etc. He had the gall to ask if we could eventually be friends again. I wrote him a letter saying to never contact me again, that he revealed himself to me & that we could never be friends. I haven’t heard from him in a month. He must have moved on to some other victim. Good riddance. What a nightmare. All I can say is, arm yourself with loads of data on this subject and each day that passes that you are happy and rid of that ginormous lie, you are better for it.

  6. I have been discarded after he verbally abused and pushed my son and we walked away from him. Apparently I made HIS life hell and after I left he text to say we were over. He has his things at my house and has left me financially skint.
    I am feeling like I am having a complete breakdown, panic attacks, anxiety, everything and everywhere reminds me of him and creates panic in me.
    I don’t think he will try to come back to me. He has to collect his things tomorrow and I will be leaving the house with my children.
    I have had lots of support from friends and family to help me escape him this time.
    I thought I’d be happy he’s gone but I’m desperately sad. WHY IS MY BRAIN DOING THIS TO ME!!

    1. It’s called trauma bonding. During idealization, dopamine and endorphins fill your brain like a drug. Then it gets taken away little by little making you feel like you are going through withdrawal from addiction. Your brain is actually rewired. It takes time , but if you remain no contact, you WILL heal. Each day will get better. Read a lot about anti social personality disorder and realize it wasn’t your fault and he will never change or get help. If you need someone to talk to, you can contact me.

    2. I was discarded 8/27/17 by my first love. We were reunited after 15 years of being apart. I had no idea what he was and is….

  7. It has been 2 months, and one relapse on my part – but I am finally letting go and moving on and seeing him for the horror he truly is.

    1. I was discarded 6x in 3 years and I’m telling you it gets easier . After he took me to financial ruin and after all the emotional and physical abuse the thi g that finally truly opened my eyes to how evil inhumane he is was me asking him for 100 for groceries and him refusing . He owes me tbousands.. and he couldn’t help me w groceries. As trivial compared to all he’s done that truly showed me how low he’d go.

      1. It’s been 3 months for me now and I finally feel like me again. It’s such a weird feeling.
        It feels amazing and liberating to no longer be living in his life or lies and not knowing what the hell reality was.
        I feel more positive and healthy and actually look and feel much better.
        I was made to feel so worthless for so long then he just disregarded me, as he had a new interest to feed from. I did feel down about this and he did not feel I was worth explaining matter to – in fact he made me feel like I was going crazy thinking he had moved on when he had.
        Anyway the point is it does get better and you should not get down as you are stronger, healthier and happier and that poor sod that is stuck with him now has to suffer those Awful feelings someway or another.
        There is always a pattern and she won’t be the last.
        Yes there are horrible people out there but now we know how to spot them and it’s the best feeling.
        I have no regrets, I’m happy I found a stronger happier me again.


      2. Only for 14 months but probably the longest unhappiest 14 months of my life – I seen the signs I ignored them and I fell into the trap. But I’m out of it now and I have no regrets because this has certainly toughened me up. 😊

  8. I have recently been abruptly discarded. Feeling so hurt, angry & upset all at the same time. How can the same person who showered me with love & affection act so brutally cold?! Getting angry & upset towards him served no purpose other than making me feel worse. Realised eventually to stay true to myself by being nice and walking away. Pain is pretty unbearable right now, constantly wishing I could turn back the clock to when I thought everything was so perfect – it’s hard to stomach that it wasn’t real. With some more time, I hope things start to get a little easier. Sorry to everyone else who has had to suffer like this.

    1. I am sorry you are hurting Jenna. You ask how could somebody who showered you with such ‘love’ and ‘affection, be so brutally cold?

      The truth is, what you are seeing now is the reality. They fake it so that they can get what they want. Because they do not experience the same range of human emotions, they can walk away, without guilt remorse or shame.

      I know the truth is so difficult to come to terms with. It can be easier to accept the lie than the truth. I also remember how much it hurt. I can say, that with time, with focus onto you, and not onto him, that you can heal and recover.

  9. I recently fell back into the trap. Got back in contact with him because I miss him dearly as a friend even tho I was the one always there for him but never the other way around. It hasn’t been 2 weeks and I’m getting the silent treatment. Weather it’s about me or not it’s happening again. I don’t know what I was thinking. I really need to let him go.

    1. Hey Tee, well first of all forgive you, for falling back into the trap. They groom you, while at the same time, stripping you to the core.

      None of the energy was ever going into building the relationship (even when you thought it was) it was going into building him. The constant relentless games. So why would he go back to you? To do the same thing again? The reason for this, is ‘because he can’ and EGO. He likes the power and control, but at the same time gets easily bored. Likely could have other options elsewhere.

      Tee, remember this THE OUTCOME WILL ALWAYS BE THE SAME. You cannot fix what is unfixable. You cannot repair what is unrepairable. You only have the power to heal and repair you.

      So now, you are back in the loop…how do you ‘end’ when someone is ignoring you? Last time you ended it, was it you that ended it?

      1. Hi,

        Yes it was me that finally had the upper hand. He gave me the silent treatment for no reason at all. It was his monthly thing to do. I’d always go back or he would find a reason to reach out to me and I would be so happy to hear from him. I’d finally got tired and told him I was done playing games with him. I started dating and he got wind of it and texted me and called me. I ignored both attempts and he disappeared while stalking me online daily. I was 2 months into no contact with him. I missed him and text him one night. I told him I missed him and he acted like he didn’t believe me. He wanted to see me immediately. The next day I gave in. I drove to see him. He didn’t open the door or answer his phone. I left and he text me the next morning saying that I took too long. He even went so far as saying “you probably were never even here”. And he had the nerve to ask me to drive over again. I went. We talked for 2 days after that and then mid text he disappears yet again. This has been goin on for a year. I think he is bipolar as well as NPD. The silent treatments started very early on around the 2nd week of meeting him. I’ve gotten so use to them. Since then I have learned that he has NPD and can’t change. He’s used triangulation on social media against me. He’s called me names and disappeared only to show back up 7 days later to contact me. Thank you for your advice. I don’t understand my attachment to him. Though I do remember the bittersweet moments in the beginning where he made me feel like I was the one and that I was different from the rest. We had an intense connection. I don’t understand how any of it couldn’t have been real.

      2. I’ve probably been discarded by him around 8 times in the year. One time was right before my birthday because I questioned his odd behavior. He gave me the silent treatment and had the nerve to text me on my birthday to say happy birthday and then continues with the silent treatment until a month and went back again. If I wait a month he accepts me back. The cycle is so dizzying. I won’t go back again.

  10. Hi! New Here. Been discarded about two months now. I’m still having a bit of withdrawal. I was never in any type of romantic situation before this. I’m pretty scared. I do not want to deal with dating for a long time, this was only 8 months total, but I could tell in the beginning he was a narc, I just let myself fall b/c the love bomb phase was so intense, and amazing to me. No one has ever made me feel like that, you guys! Its supper addicting, plus i’m an HSP, it was a lock and key situation. I feel so numb. :/

  11. I was in a 18 year marriage with my husband. We never fought or even had a cross word towards each other! He acted as though he adored me from the time we got together until a month and two weeks ago! He left to go run a errand but before leaving he gave me a kiss and hug as always and returned a hour later a completely different person! He said that we needed to talk, it was important! He then coldly, emotionless and with no feelings in his eyes said, ” I (he) had been having an affair for the last 3 1/2 years and I (he) was in love with her and wasn’t in love with me anymore! I was devastated, confused and shattered! I am seeing a therapist and have tried twice to commit suicide by taking 60 xanax two weeks apart, once was 2 days after he told me and again two weeks later! God won’t take me so I am trying to get help with a therapist and now a psychiatrist. Why can’t I get mad or move on?

    1. Aw Rose. 18 years is such a long time. How devastating for you. To have no clue that the man you had shared so much of your life with had betrayed you and for such a long time.

      I am however pleased that you were not successful with your suicide attempt. I have written a post about suicide. Either find it using search bar above or i will try to find the post for you. I am pleased that you are getting professional help and support.

      I hear your pain. I am so sorry that you are hurting. Hang in there.

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