Coping with pain after discard

Understanding sociopath discard, and the silence of No closure!


Being in a relationship with a sociopath, can be a whirlwind of emotions. You can be told one thing, yet actions never match the words. There are different types, some are more openly narcissistic and abusive, others, are more charismatic.

The regular pattern of a narcissist is

  • Idealise
  • Devalue
  • Discard

Whilst all sociopaths are narcissists, not all narcissists are sociopaths.

The sociopath, is a compulsive pathological liar. Because of this, you do not always witness the devalue stage to your face. The more charismatic that the sociopath is, the less likely you will be to witness the devalue stage. Remember that the sociopath finds being honest, and telling the truth, more difficult to say, than the lie.

This means that you can see the relationship move swiftly, from idealise – discard, and not witness the devalue stage. The devaluing stage is happening, but not to your face. It will be happening behind your back. The narcissist would openly devalue you, put you down, belittle you and will undermine you. A charismatic sociopath struggles with the truth. For the charismatic sociopath, telling the truth is more painful than telling the lie, or keeping up pretence. Due to this, is common, that you will not witness the relationship coming to an end, as you would in an ordinary relationship. It is often sudden and without warning.

Or additionally, the sociopath might deliberately start a row with you. Blame you for something. Turn something around on you. The thinking behind this is so that you would end the relationship, saving the sociopath the need to do so.

Another way for a sociopath to end the relationship, might be to behave really unreasonably. Refuse to talk to you. Pick a fight, or be overly controlling. This is deliberate behaviour designed to infuriate you, so that you find him intolerable, and end the relationship yourself.

Often, there is no warning at all. The sociopath will disappear from your life, suddenly and without warning.

However the relationship comes to an end, it is often shocking. You are left with your senses reeling, and feeling absolutely confused about what has just happened. Sometimes you can be with the sociopath one day, and he is telling you how much he loves you, and wants to spend the rest of his life with you. The next day, he is gone. Or the next day, for no reason at all there will be a huge argument, and you are left wondering how did that happen, and ultimately, blame yourself.

What is the effect of sociopath discard?

The lack of closure at the end of the relationship with the sociopath can be particularly damaging. It can delay healing, and it can leave you feeling, that the relationship is not quite over. You might feel:

  • Confused
  • Bewildered
  • Lost
  • Desperate for answers
  • A longing and neediness to understand
  • Wanting back the honeymoon stage
  • Unsure if the relationship is actually over or not?
  • Self-blame
  • Manipulated, conned and deceived

More than likely the biggest feeling will be one of confusion.   You might be unsure if the relationship is actually over, because it has happened so suddenly, and there was no build up, no warning, no time to prepare, it can feel shocking.

The one thing that you will feel desperate for is answers. Sadly, the one person that can give you those answers is the person that you were in the relationship with, well this is ordinarily so. this is not the case when you are in the relationship with the sociopath. The last person that you want to go to for answers is the compulsive pathological liar.

I would imagine that many of you who read this, who didn’t know that he was a sociopath, might have got the word ‘sociopath’, simply by researching ‘liar’ or ‘compulsive liar’.

It is normal to want answers. Answers give understanding, and help with closure. Without this, you can feel lost, unsure what is happening.

In a healthy, normal relationship, the following things happen prior to breakup

  • Negative or limited communication
  • Emotional distance
  • Lack of physical warmth
  • Time apart
  • Feeling negative towards your partner, and unable to see positive things about them
  • Thoughts about the relationship coming to an end
  • Feeling unhappy

Normal and healthy relationships can and do come to an end. However, normally, some of the relationship breakup is experienced whilst still in the relationship.

With a sociopath, this is not usually the case. Often with a sociopath, you have suspicions that things are going wrong. But the sociopath will lie, manipulate, and deceive. If you raise questions about your suspicions, you will be told that you are crazy, and that it is not really like that at all.

You might question your mind whilst in the relationship with the sociopath, but the sociopath is good at continuing to deceive you. Not wanting to be hurt, or to have another relationship breakdown, you accept the explanations.

This is why it is particularly difficult and painful, when you experience discard from the sociopath, as you are left feeling confused.

Why does the sociopath discard in this way?

There are many reasons why the sociopath will suddenly discard his partner. Always, the reasons have little to do with you. It has everything to do with him and his needs and wishes.

The sociopath wears a mask. But he will only wear that mask for as long as it is getting him what he wants. The sociopath is not emotionally connected, to you or anybody else. Whilst the sociopath might show connection, this would only be a disguise, to to serve his own needs.

When the sociopath realises that he can have better supply elsewhere, or if he feels that supply with you is coming to an end he will leave you without warning. The sociopath would have sourced a new victim for supply, but this would have been done behind your back and without your knowledge.

To do so, it is likely that the sociopath, needed to play victim, to the new source. Often they would have made complaints about you, to gain sympathy and win support. Again, this will be something that you have absolutely no knowledge of, until later.

The sociopath works hard to ensure that his pathway for escape is clear.

You might think, well, if he doesn’t want to be with me anymore, why can’t he give me closure, why can’t he call me? Why can’t he meet with me?

The reason is simple, and it is four things

  • The sociopath is selfish, and only thinks of his own needs
  • He might want to come back for further source of supply at a later date
  • To prevent exposure
  • To stay in control

How do you get over this?

You might wonder how do you get over this? How can you get over this if you have no answers? You might wonder if the sociopath is going to come back, and you might have a longing for the honeymoon period again. You might be left feeling bewildered and confused.

  • Remember NOBODY stays confused forever
  • Remember that the sociopath is a liar, you couldn’t get the truth when you were IN the relationship – you therefore won’t get the truth when it has ended
  • No contact is the way for YOU to regain control
  • Block email, phone, text, social networking sites, and take back control of you, and your life
  • Yes YOU can choose to move on from this!
  • Read as much as you can. Find out as much information as you can. The more you learn, the more you understand, the quicker you will become set free
  • Take back your energy, and start loving YOU
  • Every day do something that makes you happy
  • Stay with the present
  • Think positive (you are what you think)
  • Realise that this is NOT your fault, there is nothing that you have done wrong (no matter what he says)
  • Don’t waste time wondering what he is doing
  • Make contact with others who have been through the same thing
  • Make yourself some new life goals
  • Be gentle on yourself
  • The most important rule of all is to NOT expect closure or answers from the sociopath
  • Remember – the sociopath is the liar, and if he gets back in touch, it is only because he wants to use you for further supply – you deserve better
  • Also remember that this is not just you, there are millions of us who have been through the same thing, which is why we can write and all understand each other

Copyright 2013

379 thoughts on “Coping with pain after discard”

  1. are all sociopaths after money or a home? I’ve just come out of something with a man suddenly (he cut off) as I didn’t call him for a week as needed to gain clarity (I had started to hear alarm bells) I’m reeling and trying to tie the pieces together. Its a long story of love bombing and a period of great encouraging and team building. about 6 weeks ago We had grown really close and then He started to attach himself to someone else but continually reassured me they were friends. Ordinarily I would have been fine but this coincided bit by bit with the team building turning to criticism of my character, us spending less time together and how I needed to work on being stronger, more assertive and then would swing back to encouraging me on my growth, development and he’d talk often about this girl still instilling they were friends then threatening to cut her out, but then she would get hysterical and he would keep her there. I decided to take time out & I called him at the end of the week and he ignored the calls i text him to ask how he was, he replied with ambiguous message ‘saying he had nothing to share with me’ I asked him to clarify what that meant and He retaliated with what are you talking about you stopped talking to me relationships don’t last when you don’t take care of them. (I have encouraged and stood by him for the past 9 months, been patient with the mood swings as I understood he’d had a difficult past) He refused to talk but would continue forwarding me a daily email from a subscription. SOme days he would write a little message but more often and since the texts he didn’t and I didn’t understand how to respond; if i respond he would ignore my message but if I don’t respond I kill a relationship. I remained calm as I wasn’t sure if he’d cut me out or was simply upset and I asked again to talk – then suddenly the email stopped.

    The reason I ask about he money and home is because he was financially generous, encouraging, motivated and was once well connected (that is true). However he has bled me dry with the ambiguity, shifting responsibility, rebukes and then love. He is sociable and yet has few friends, narcisstic, He would build me up and take me down. He cuts girls out of his life like blades of grass, leaving them devastated and wounded. I’ve been emotionally abused before and it took me a long time to recover from the destruction that had to my emotional well being. Both men were successful, generous, charismatic, but seemingly deceptive. Still to this day I’m not sure what happened. I have only just found this site and they tick alot of the boxes. I thought the first relationship was abusive but I now wonder if I was dealing with something else all together.

    I’m mostly upset because a few weeks ago the guy I have just been with said I had weak boundaries. To a degree this is true and it makes me feel sick, The boundaries I did put in place he rebuked as ‘rules’ that were stopping me from living yet at the same time telling me what great value I had. He told me I had a beautiful heart and then would character analyse me until I’m where I am now, fighting to stop myself from going back where I did 6 years ago. Would any of this had made a difference, would he have respected me more if I had been able to retain my boundaries. Could I have saved this?

    the first guy moved on and married the girl he met after me and within a year of us breaking up ( we had lived together and had been together for almost 6 years) which was another stab in the heart at the time making me feel that I was responsible for the damage in the relationship as while I seeked counceling from the wreckage (he too just cut and went no closure) he moved on swiftly. I did heal & I feel no resentment towards him but I am accutely aware that this situation has bought up memories.

    I mostly want to reclaim my heart from the recent episode rather than spend my time thinking it was my fault, I was wrong to not call, and yet wrong to have not tried to retain some standard for myself.

      1. Hi yes, I do need to come back here to write. I have had some problems with the formatting on the website. I am going to sort it out, when I don’t write here I do write on the Facebook page.

    1. Hi Jenna, Uncanny, He sounds like my ex who was financially generous had rich parents, would build me up then criticise me, control who I could see & who I couldn’t, try to get me to cut my close girlfriends out of my life for sake of rship & he said I have bad boundaries, he did a lot of emotional mental damage. I feel for you & situation as it reminds me of my rship with him, been on & off for 3 yrs. He mostly dumped me. I used to find hairs on his clothing, after long time apart yet he said he remained faithful & didn’t have women under his roof while I was gone, to try to make me feel guilty for having platonic male friends while we were split up. He used to say he didn’t split only took a break but it was always over when he left. He always initiated No Contact for weeks or mths. Now I will. I hope u will be ok & stay no contact its healthier & he cant mess with your mind heart then. Stay away from him & I pray you are finding your feet now. Hope u doing better & see an understanding counsellor, & re connect with your friends, Blessings, Dragonfly

    2. I just stumbled upon this post while trying to heal from a bad sociopath split myself. A lot of your pain is similar to mine and I wanted to reach out. The short answer is NO you could not have saved this. No one can save or fix a broken sociopathic relationship. You are only questioning if it was your fault because that is what they do best: make us feel we are to blame

      1. 2013 posts. At the time this blog was new. Later posts from later that year were written gender neutral..oddly ones that arent are the most popular posts.

    3. This sounds a lot like my “fiancé” for seven years. He is a sociopath and a alcoholic. He was so good at showing affection and saying how much he loved me. It took me a long time to figure out it is for his own gain. He did not work had every excuse and was an alcoholic. He became “friends” with the neighbor. They talked all the time he stayed with her etc. like a fool I went back many times. He would constantly put me down while putting her on a pedestal. During this time the lovebombing stopped but he still liked to mess with me. BecauseI do believe his enjoyment is abusing. He has not done that to her because he knows that’s all he has and they are not at that point yet. He found another source The neighbor. Now his source is someone taking care of him and telling him how wonderful he is. His mask came off with me a long time ago. It’s weird he barely says he loves me now. When he would talk I could feel a lot of hate. They love to change whenever they feel like it some is control some us because they are full of hate and they like putting their gf down. Everything you are saying what he has done. I have been through it. They are lies. And he sounds. Verymuch like a sociopath. A man that truly loves will not put you in confusion and do such hurtful things. They love confusion and conflict. I’m trying to move on while he lives with the neighbor. In a sense the neighbor set me free. I can see who he truly is and he did not love me. I’m not his source anymore

    4. Sorry to read all these stories, but it does make me feel better that women have experienced this. I was beginning to think or assign my thoughts that all women are like that.
      I wish you all peace

  2. Hi & blessings to all. 13 July 2015
    I fell by the way side & got tempted, went back to my Narc ex, he paid for things helped me get my car home from interstate but controlled who I could & couldn’t see & started arguments, division, got very negative. I ended up lying & seeing forbidden friends in secret, to keep the peace with him & kept 1 or 2 secrets about my past, which got found out & I was discarded called a liar. I’m not going thru this pain emotional blackmail, turmoil again. Am doing a life skills course & seeing friends. Some of my friends have distanced themselves, they cant understand why I would return to him, mental abuse. He was charming, funny, caring supportive & handsome to me, at the start again, after 2mths apart which we were both lonely & had heart ache from before. He can never change & nor can I. I’m worried I have developed socio or narc traits from trying to cope with him trying to keep Rship together, as in keeping secrets, omission & some lies. Which I ask God Jesus to forgive me. My family live far away but know what he’s like. I’m going No Contact permanently this time & so is he. Hes staying away from the Christian Chatroom that we re-connected thru before, in May. Now we been in this Cycle, merry go round, entanglement for near 3 yrs now, with 2-4 mth separations. Lost a lot of friends along the way. Keep strong, My dreams were telling me to leave also. He left me instead. He didn’t seem to play up nor stole money or items off me nor raid my bank account, just my soul, energy draining & wanted me to listen to & follow, agree with his views & protection alias control. Blessings to all. I’ve missed u. I tried to break up with him wks ago as he was too jealous angry possessive vindictive,nasty words. Then he was crying that we would miss each other too much, hurt pain to part. I cried, felt his pain too. I’m an empathy I think. They find it easy when they dump you though. I can feel his energy, heart ache when we been apart for while. I must pray for to sever the unhealthy soul tie, trauma bond, connection we’ve always had. I Back on the No Contact again. Now I feel numb, disconnected, he broke it off then when I told him I felt that, but not till the next day. Blessings & strength to all. Pray I stay strong this time, I went back out of lonliness & boredom. But not worth it to be controlled & watched monitored all time & loss of freedom. Dragonfly

    1. Hey you, pleased to hear from you. You will find that once you had to heal from It once, it never that bad again. Simply because you were not blind this time you went in with your eyes wide open and saw the truth, saw the patterns. So when it ends, this is no surprise. Yes you are right, its not worth it to be controlled, monitored an losing your freedom, and boy do you know it when they do it a second time around!!!

      1. Hi Positiva, thankyou big hugs to you & all here. I still miss the dream potential he fed me, still hurt but had eyes more open this time, yes it warning to all & to keep to no contact otherwise they hurt u cause u emotional pain all over again. He has gone no contact, cut off all phones that I knew etc. Blessings love to all xxx Dragonfly

      2. Hey dragonfly. You know, you are learning. Each time that he does this to you, you learn. The pain of letting go lessons, and becomes shorter in time. It is never as bad, as your eyes were wide open going into it. Yes they do the brainwashing – but – after you undo this, you are free. I also shout out to the universe to bring in new things that are good for me, and remove things in my life that are bad for me. Let him go, perhaps he has been removed from your life, and kept busy elsewhere to be kept away from you. As you deserve so much better.

    2. I badly need help. It’s been 1 year and 1 month and my recovery and communication with my sociopath ex has been on and off. I thought I have already moved on then realizing I am back to square one. Help Please! I need a support group. Gay guy here.

      1. Here is your problem. Communication is on and off when are you healing? Like ripping off band aid and having a scratch then wondering why it is bleeding. No contact is the only way.

      2. NO CONTACT! it is the only way and I PROMISE you will start to heal very soon! As the days and weeks go by, you will a clarity about how this person really is and how ridiculous the relationship was with him, things that became the norm while you were with him , you will realize are NOT normal after awhile of no contact. It is the BEST thing to do, I wish you the best, “gay guy”! 🙂 You can do this, it gets easier and easier.

  3. Even reading all your comments on here gives me that same sickening knot in my stomach and all the negative awful feelings my own narc gives me.
    I went NC for a week then had a blip. Im back to N C and determined .to keep it up forever!!…The punishment?… I was told , not to message him again, he doesnt want me pestering him!… You see..Hes on holiday with his new supply, love bombing her big time no doubt!!… She is younger than me, divorced, has two young children( he cant have any), and a settlement coming her way, ( house, financial security,( he has neither!)….see a pattern here??!shes got everything he needs!!…. Hes forgotten (convienently), that he still wanted to see me ( for sex obviously) before he left!!.
    Shes taking up all his energy at the moment( mental and physical)… So im surplus!!
    These people feel nothing except for their own gratification.
    Getting myself out of this sickening , mentally and emotionally damaging nightmare is my priority .
    I feel sorry for his new love bombing victim and her children…. Shes in his his words simple but basic!!…in ither words .. Easy prey…These people should have a warning tattoo on their forehead…. Tho somehow i think us normal caring loving givers would still get sucked in to their sickness!!
    Im concentrating on myself from now on…. Joined a gym, making new ‘ healthy’ friendships, bought myself a pair of large diamond earings!!.. Because im worth it!!!!….. He most def was / is not , worthy of my love! X

  4. I was discarded by my partner a month ago, he always told me what he was but its no less painful, we have to remain living together although in a large house, last night I heard him on the phone to what was clearly his next victim, flirting, laughing and talking about what there going to do sexually when he visits.
    I’m so distressed I don’t want to eat or work, he never hid his scicopathy but I’m still struggling to accept his abandonment after 3 years of a very close bond.

    How do I let go?

    1. I want you to remember that the ‘bond’ as you describe it, is a psychopathic bond, a dominance bond. Sociopaths need someone else to live off. They use another personality to fill that void within. Inside they are pretty empty, filled up with the life force of someone else. He is now creating a dominance bond with someone else, which means that you are free. Don’t think that she has something that you do not – no, she will only have him, while you will have the world. She will become under his ownership, possession and control. This is the bond that you speak of. Why doesn’t he leave and go and live with her?

      1. Iv asked myself that same question, I don’t know what his plans are or why he’s still here.
        If it were up to me I’d kick him out but we live with his mother who won’t. I guess that’s why he’s still around.

        I’m spending all my time in my room, essentially hiding.
        I feel constantly sick and on edge.

    2. Hi Leo,
      I was lied to and love bombed for 2.5 years. As soon as I raised the issues I was cut off completely. My fiance (despite having described me as the love of her life and being only 2 weeks away from the wedding) moved on within 3 weeks and moved in with the next guy within months. No contact, abandoned and completely discarded.
      What is written above is very true…..don’t look for answers from the person that has done all the damage. You won’t get them.
      The best analogy I read was that the person you were dating is incapable of investing anything. I was (you were) like a car bought for $300 by a backpacker in another country. The moment the car gives any trouble, it is discarded and a new one purchased. $300 is the biggest investment the sociopath is capable of. They don’t know love…..they might say it and “act” it, but thats all it is.

  5. Hi , ive struggled very hard over the last few months with my sociopath ex , Iam on day 44 of no contact and it’s killing me , iam really struggling this week as I passed him the other day , left me feeling very low, also his Birthday this weekend , that’s not helping, he’s ssid he might start seeing a much older women that he told me he wasn’t interested in that went out on a few times last year as friends when we fell out for 3 months around the same time last year , he called her all sorts and said he would never be interested in her as a girlfriend and she was just till fill his days because we were finished , the day after we were over around the end of August he added her to FaceBook as a friend because we were over , this is about the 5th time he’s done this with the same older women , then messaged her and said he was only interested in me , I’ve had enuf this time , it hurts , it’s killing me I can’t eat sleep function , I hate her because she surely sees what he’s doing he’s called me all sorts to her also his family workmates friends hate me and it’s all lies , I done all I could for him , I thought he loved me , why is this women do I tested in him when he’s lifted dropped her several times ? Why is he doing this ? Why is she allowing it ? How can I move on from this never ending ache I feel ? I know if I contact him he will love it and play games , I hate her ! I see her daily and I live close to him , oh she actually told him last year that after s few dates with him , she said he had problems with bi polar and drinking and she wanted to stop the dates but could still text and stay in touch what’s she doing this for ?

    1. Please stop punishing yourself. You are hurting you. It’s time to take back your power. Delete and block from Facebook. He is doing this deliberately knowing this will upset you. He doesn’t care about her. He is using her. Just like he uses everybody. The only person he cares about is himself. This will continue to hurt for as long as you play the game.

  6. I’ve been reading all of this about narcissists the past month , I am a mess , I left my husband of 20 yrs FOR a narcissist , he totally swept me off my feet , did the whole love bombing , the D&D , we were together for a year !!!! This is the last time , he dumped AGAIN , 5 weeks ago , again to go back to his ex !!!! I’m trying so hard to understand , but feel so incredibly stupid that I ended my marriage for this asshole !!! I don’t even know what to think anymore !!! I’m trying to be strong , but it’s not that easy , I’ve lost a lot of weight , feel sick all the time . I try to make everything seem ok at work and with my daughter , but I literally feel sick to my stomach always !!! Just needed to vent !

    1. I am so sorry. That must hurt knowing you were persuaded you met the man of your dreams your soul mate and left your husband. Only to realise it was just a game. They are players and paranoid anyway. So if you left your husband for him he would think you would go off with someone else. Mine thought this and I am very loyal and faithful. Yet he always had this thought.

      1. Lost my daughter, home, best friend (ex) I binge drink and have severe depression. He literally destroyed my soul. I thought we’d be together forever. It was all a lie. :*****

      2. Aw Luna. I lost my home, my daughter died, all my finances, my career, family friends, reputation, money personal possessions. I was left an empty shell and thought I would never recover. I was a mess. I did. I even had severe chronic PTSD to recover from too but I did it. I pulled through and came the other side. You can too.

  7. I cant tell you how much this reading this has helped me. I was with a man for eight moths. Prior to us dating he informed me he had issues and didnt know how which i thought was odd since we were already pretty much dating. He seemed to be getting better emotionally as far as affectionate as time went on though still not “there” in a lot of ways if that makes sense.. He was very into himself, always talking you could never get a word in and was always friends with girls with guy troubles. He was like their hero or some ridiculous thing. Then in late june i talked to him, normal conversation. Said he would call me after work and nothing ever since. No calls, no texts and blocked me on the facebook. It was devastating and absolutely confusing. Even now the lack.of closure is brutal. He was involved almost instantly with someone new which seems like another theme ive read here. I thought he was just emotionally detatched but reading these stories from others i truly wonder if he is narcissistic. Im still working on getting past this. Im over him but to be thrown away in silence like garbage…..i dont understand how anyone could do that to someone they claimed to love. I was completely fooled by this. Never dealt with a personality like it.

    1. Im devistated he left 4 days before my 50th birthday….we never had FB. all of a sudden he on there with his new girl…he said for months tvat he lives by hisself goind out he lives with her bought her a car….its sooo much….why wasnt i enough….i loved him so….thisnis killing me

    2. Sarah, I am in a similar situation, I dated a guy for 5 months, he swept me off my feet, charming, sexy and above all so loving!! We met regularly,spent nights together,our relationship was very passionate and all consuming. I saw him on a Sunday 4 weeks ago, and everything was fine, then I never heard from him again. He doesn’t answer any messages or emails, completely ignores me. He also was very into himself, always talked about his money, his work and his business,never really interested in anything I had to say Then he started mentioning a woman he was mentoring in work, and I knew something was up, but couldn’t quite work out what it was. He always denied liking her, he made out she was awful. But I think she was lined up to be his next source. She, too, had guy troubles!!
      I am devastated and find it very hard to comprehend how someone who I was so close to, could just discard me without any explanation.I had never met anyone with a personality like that before either. It hurts so much. Hope you are ok now. Much love.

    3. This happened to me, too, I completely fell for a guy that I dated for 5 months, he was sexy, charming and caring or so I thought. When we were together, nothing else mattered, he was so loving and always told me how closely connected he felt to me.He also talked a lot about himself, how much money he was earning and how many properties he owned. After our last date 4 weeks ago, which went really well and we had a really nice time together, I never heard from him again, he won’t answer any messages or emails, and I can see that he has read them but not bothered replying. I am so sad and devastated, I have never met anyone like this before, how could anyone treat another person like this whom they claim to love? This blog has given me the answer.

    4. Hello Sarah, reading your post has helped me so much as it was like reading my own story..The man I have been seeing for 4 years did not have a job and had zero interest in getting one. 2 years ago I told him I could only offer a deep friendship as Infelt the relationship was going nowhere ( he knew I wanted to be properley married and feel secure in love and financially ( I am 59 and just want the rest of life to be free from money worries) my income could not have provided for us both and I needed his help I’ve a job….He has now ditched me with no warning…never answered calls or texts and blocked me on Facebook etc….I then saw a photograph of him with another woman who is a licensee with own pub! They had got engaged just weeks after he sent me a birthday present at the time he ditched me. I am heartbroken as never saw it coming. I know he is only with her because she can put a roof over him , the physicality…he is still not working and she has him constantly wearing suits and ties …he always dressed down when he was with me. I love him and was still meeting up with him always hopeful that he would get work and help me save for our own place . I still live in the marital home with my ex as cannot afford my own place even when our house is sold. I am devastated.

    5. So sorry this happened to you. The same thing happened to me. He was my coworker. He poured on the attention till I agreed to go out. He was sweet and thoughtful before we got involved, and then he changed after sex. He would disengage each time after sex for days or weeks and come back with an elaborate excuse. I finally figured it out 6 weeks ago. I’m done.

  8. Sarah, it sounds like you were “ghosted” by this guy. This is quite common in the dating world, and I am guilty of doing myself a few times, but way before social media made it so apparent. Also, maybe he’s a combo of sorts, like mine as I have speculated before on here; mine is a “hybrid Narc” as he has some traits of Spath but also major Narc! who knows? If he is either, or both, just be glad you found out before it became too serious, ehh? Mine is still stuck to me after a long, long, drawn out movie! But I don’t lament where I am at, I bide my time with!

    Just a note to Positiva, yeah as you can tell above, the snooker got back in my life. Big shock, no? But, I really did good with blocking him out for over a month. He popped by with flowers and puppy dog sad eyes. I gave him an ultimatum this time as I have shown each time I am stronger without him and very contented. I think he saw that and took my conditions:
    1) No DRAMA, I won’t put up with ( yeah this is a joke, but most of it is harmless…
    2) No financial gain, sharing as a couple is one thing, but no “pay for play”
    3) Not living together, I clearly stated that it just wouldn’t work
    4) No more put downs or negativity, even though I know he thrives on it
    5) I have a “get out of jail free- card” sorta, if he starts some shit, I can refer to and say “See ya!”

    You get the jist. I know I am delaying probably the inevitible, but you know I really don’t care. I wasn’t caring when he was gone, and it is too soon to know if I will care in the future. It really is like I am stuck in some sort of weird Woody Allen movie! The important thing is through this site I have become a better person to MYSELF. And practice things in my alone time that makes me happy. I think I was mostly doing that anyway, but it helps to get the support and sense of community only this site offers!

    Hi to All~ hope you guys are all doing well. What a wild year, Summer, this has been but truly a crazy hot one but you know I haven’t felt so good in years! After my surgery it is like I felt as a twenty-something! Is 50 the new 40? In my case, I feel even better than a decade ago!


  9. Hey I am 50, weird to type that “out loud”…
    Thanks for your sentiments, dear! Check me in another few months, I hope I can avoid the drama. I hope I am right but not going to be surprised at anything!

  10. My story starts over 2 & 1/2yrs. He wasn’t jealous, wasn’t controlling. He would have bouts of rage. Our 2nd date he was psychotic, I was calm & in control. He always dated women who still lived w/their parents. My birthday would come around, nothing from him. I would break up quite a bit. I thought he was pretending, something deep down wasn’t right. Then I bought a house, we picked it out but he never had money. Yes, I’d loan him a $20 here & there but always made sure he’d pay me back. He used to be addicted to meth. I always thought he did that but never had proof besides he never had money although he made more than me. He moved in with me & all of a sudden started calling me horrible names, became controlling. I kicked him out after 10 days of him acting that way with me & my kids. He acted like he was King. He came back as usual, only to discard me. I dressed up, was making him dinner when he came over to tell me he would eat with me but he wasn’t staying. After pressuring him he told me he was going to a woman’s house but wanted to see me. I told him to leave & never come back. I broke down & it was like he was the devil, no soul. My question is why did he hang around for so long only to show evil once he got what he wanted? He knew I wouldn’t tolerate him yelling & controlling my girl’s & I? Can a narcissist be that good or was it that he got heavily into drugs? He looks horrible now. And why can’t I just let go? The discard was so painful, he literally watched me break down & he looked like Satan.

    1. Yes you can see physically the change within. When he had the narcissistic rage the colour would drain from his face and his eyes would go black. It is difficult to let go because in the beginning they paint the perfect picture your mirror image of who you want to see. Later you get to see the true him. A person who has nothing inside just an empty cage mirroring and morphing into someone else.

  11. I had no idea anything was wrong, he was telling his sister he was unhappy when she egged him on for information about us- triangulating, and she told him she thought our relationship was unhealthy- he said to give it a chance and ” dont throw the baby out with the bathwater” his sister flying monkey tell their 80 yo mommy and she demands he leave me. He discarded me overnight and said he had to ” think” going on to stonewall me for 2 months. All follows this pattern exactly.

  12. I cannot believe I have found this site .. It was only yesterday that a tarot card reader told me what he was.
    My story started 5 years ago just after my daughter had a major stroke .. I met him at my daughters he moved in after about 12 months .. He immediately didn’t like it because it was my house and begrudgingly did work to it .. He called my daughter all the time and accused me of seeing other men . Nothing I ever did was good enough cooking cleaning nothing and he always expected me to do everything . I kicked him out 18 months ago because he was consistently putting me down and calling my family – had no friends by now. He begged me to go out with him last new year so I did. He went on holiday and met someone else and has played us off against each other all year. Talking to me about it as if it is normal

    He has messed with my head with the I love you both and had me not eating or sleeping for months crying at nothing and thinking of nothing else.. Winding me up in public to make me look stupid and crazy .. posting pictures of him and his other woman on fb .. So New Year’s Day I emailed her to let her no what he had been doing and then blocked both of them .. I have had loads calls from an unknown caller .. He is going on holiday with her on Monday (he left her at the airport last time they planned a holiday because I told him it was over) and I can’t believe I am jealous because she will get the only Dave I want .. When he is adorable.
    I have tried to get away from this for so long now and managed it for a while but he always finds a way right back in … He asked me to go away with him on 19 Jan ?? Glad I didn’t respond .. Just hope he stays away from me now but he only lives round the corner and even though I hate the thought that someone else is getting the Dave I love when I haven’t seen him for so long I also want him to move as far away from me and my family as possible I never want to see his face again
    Thank you to all on this site .. It’s only now I am beginning to realise who he really is

  13. I’m a 21 year old bi lad from the UK, who fell in love (apparently it was mutual and seemed that way) with a 39 year old Aussie chap during the summer in the US, after a few meets down there. He apparently came from an abusive relationship. The things he told me were quite dramatic!

    Anyways, after we were parted with each other, he talked to me a few times via text, FB and calling. Everything seemed all well and he’d say the most loving things to me. He told me he wanted to spend Xmas with me (he even say he’d pay for my ticket, but I said no) So I ended up booking a trip to OZ (which I came back from last week)

    After booking my trip and him knowing, I didn’t hear fron him for a few months. He’d tell me he was busy battling his ex and was depressed etc… Before you know it, it was time for me to go to OZ. 5 days after my arrival, he sent me a message on FB with his new landline and mobile. He told me he knew I travelled a long way and that he’d be happy for me to spend the time I had left in OZ with him and that he’d contact me the next day cause he was off to bed.

    Next day, I didn’t hear from him and nor did he return my calls and texts 😦 and then on New Year’s Day, he blocked me on FB which was a real kick to my heart. In the past I told him, if he ever wanted to disappear, to give me a heads up. He always said that wasn’t an option for him to do that to me.

    Anyways, here I am left reeling with all the above. I’ve literally fallen into depression and can feel myself physically and mentally wasting away. I thought about calling, but in afraid too. I want to say sorry, for being selfish, annoying and clingy.

    I’ve read some of the posts about the traits of a sociopath and can relate. But then again, I tell myself I’m probably overthinking. In the mean time he always posts about his heartache on FB to the world that his ex and others have caused him.

    Well, that’s my story…

  14. It’s been over 6 months and I’m still grieving.
    I can’t accept that it was ALL a lie.
    I can’t heal, it’s like a wound that won’t stop bleeding.
    I miss him so much I miss the lie so much and I don’t understand why I did this to myself.

    1. I totally understand your pain. It’s been months of no contact on my end and I’ still find myself crying and missing him terribly. We just have to keep faith that this will get easier with time and keep making healthy choices and know that it’s okay to cry.

    2. I can so relate. I know what my ex is now but the loss pain still trying to come to grips of how he destroyed my soul my finances everything. He left in DEC after asking me ” do u want to marry me” after being busted for cheating. So I went from high to low just like that. He continued to string me along for months. Lies though. All along he had moved to ” rent a room he says” w an ex girlfriend. Yep revisiting old supply I guess.he last came over march 11 for sex. Saying he saw us long term. Then I found him at the old gf house. Police called. Crazy times. He texts me then saying I just broke the last straw w my actions. Like he was coming back to me. Right!! All along denying he lived there but she told cops he was renting a room. Even funnier he texts that he was three hours away but yet I saw him walk in the house. So after that he changed his cell number then emails me telling me I can only reach him via email for awhile. Still never saying he changed his cell. He said broke old phone. Bull!! He emails saying things like” more crap u send my way I’m just going further away”.,wtf does that mean? Think he’s gone far already. Problem is we own a Harley together and I’m not giving my rights up as I bought it on my credit, money etc. I want it turned back in. He won’t. He loves it though he has his own Harley too. So I’m stuck sharing this. He says I can only ride w him. Though five months I haven’t seen it but he has rode w other girls. For years I’ll be stuck w bike. He keeps blaming me for all. Yep lying about me to everyone. Every woman loves him. He’s a biker every girl jumping to him. I’ll never have closure. I’ve gone nc for five days now. He hasn’t contacted me either. I won’t be an email after two years supporting him, Harley…in fact in Feb he took 800 from me to do fence work. Still not done. Keeps saying he will do it but not until I cool my psycho attitude. Lol my fence broke someone else helped fix it. So he took me to CH 13.. He got away w all. I’m inside a mess trying to take day by day. I realize he can’t feel. I have to wonder if he thinks I’ll be supply to come back to as to why he says if I don’t stop he will be further away. After telling me a few weeks ago done never going out again oh but we will ride together. Crazy. He also said a day or so later. Keep talking my shit because that’s what I’m good at except trying to get him back. Wtf does that mean? Said I need to try harder to get him come back. What??? Well nc is all I can do to try and get over this. I’ve made a list of all the cheating , lies, abuse he did so ea time I start missing the dream I thought we had I remember bad over good.

      1. Jenson you must be my twin,”same story” here except 2 harley Davidson involved here, Stay strong and just know we have to”forgive them”then forget them” to”get on”with our lives, Stay strong and”stay prayed up.”

    3. Leo I feel the same. How are you now? Its been 5 months I’ve not seen him and last spoke to him last week where he called after 15 days of him giving me the silent treatment said he missed me via msg and I replied which I shouldn’t have because all my emotions just came out and I regret that now. It’s been more than a year since it all started coming down and every day I go to bed crying and wake up in the middle of the night sobbing. I don’t know how to stop. I miss him so much and I still love him after all he has put me thru. How are you and how is the situation now with you?

      1. Xen.. you think you love him. What you are really missing is how he healed your core soul wound. How he made you feel better. How he soothed your soul wound. Then he ripped off the band aid and ran.

        Him sending you a text saying he misses you, was just his ego saying “what are you up to?”. Again no reflection on you. He would be like this with anyone.

  15. my mom was suddenly diagnosed with a deadly cancer the day before Christmas eve and is dying…..then on new years eve day my boyfriend of over a year and a half who I thought loved me with everything he was woke up that morning said I love you..kissed me and said see you later….3 hours later phoned me and his voice was very cold and just said im going to a party we are over!! I cried and he was so cold….he was going to meet me after new years day to talk then just blew me off again…..I havnt heard from him since that was 3 weeks ago…..he did this to me in the summer for 5 days but I thought it was just the stress from him moving here……he just had a portrait made of us that he sent to his family for gifts…bought me a promise ring….there were no fights….I just got completely blindsighted…left on a dime…no explanation….im losing my mom and needed him the most now… could he not even care after wanting to spend the rest of his life with me? im so totally confused and depressed….no closure …no answers!!

  16. I am dealing with the same. My husband of fourteen years, left me for a 26 year old who had lived off and on with us for ten years. They decided they were in love. This was six months ago and I was so blind sighted. I thought we had a great marriage, and we’re at the point of retirement and grand children. I had no idea what was going on behind my back. He kissed me goodbye for work one morning and just didn’t come home. I got an email the next day saying he wanted a divorce. The past six months have been hell. I have lost forty pounds and continue to throw up if I eat. It is like he is a completely different person than the one I was married to.. I am having a hard time letting go, I know I have to, but I have never felt anything so painful as the betrayal of two people I thought loved me..

  17. Hy there .. I’ve recently been dumped by someone who I am convinced now is a narcissistic sociopath. He also has bi polar I’m convinced which he will not get any help about .he’s on anti depressants anxiouty tablet’s and is also a weed addict…I shouldn’t have gone anywhere near him but being a lovely charming liar who trapped me into a false sense of commitment I am now left broken hearted and feeling very angry with myself for giving him a second chance. He introduced ne to his family and then dumped me three days later I could sense something was up but he was very convincing and this was a traumatic day when he dumped me not only did he ignore me all day before I new he wanted to end it, he was threatening to kill himself putting posts up on social media!! And doing a disappearing act from work and ignoring even his own family getting us all worried but was on Facebook chat all day!! I was very upset I caught two busses up there to try and find him when he eventually bothered to get back to his flat he was pacing up and down telling me he couldn’t do this with me anymore and he thought I’d be good for him and that’s about any answer’s I had. I had no contact after that at all for three weeks I try to contact him and he wouldn’t give me any awnsers and I felt like I was the blame all he said was sorry and ignored everything I longed to have closure. He was also flirting on a work colleges pics liking everyone she had uploaded which made me feel even more low than I was already. And very stupid if he thought this wouldn’t get back to me. He also stopped his sister with meeting up with me.and he has still has some of my stuff that he told me he was posting and I’ve received nothing .the only time I spoke to him over the phone was few days ago and he was still making me feel like it was my kinda fault and he was still trying to be charming with it to making himself out to not want to hurt me anymore bla bla. I don’t want to contact him again but I don’t understand why he wouldn’t want to get my things back to me??if he doesn’t want me and says not even sure if he loved me even though he told me it right up until the day before he dumped me!!I’ve never had the wool pulled over my eyes so much he got his whole family involved to they was very nice to me and was appoligising for him and was upset as I was. Now I have to go up there at some stage and collect rest of my things even though I never wanna see the bastsard again . he said I was his life his future and then I’m dropped like a peice of rubbish. Oh and I’m.pretty convinced he still loves his ex wife he was with her 20 years and think they scieey points against each other as they still bff!!he only stopped sharing a bed with her and stopped staying around her house once week when we actually got into a relationship together!! Oh and he only decided to commit to me when be could see I wanted to date other people and I was accepting he was just a mate with benefits as this had gone on since may.I can’t get my head around him ;(

    1. never think for one minute you did anything to cause this. Be glad he is gone AND do NOT contact him or go get those items unless they are very valuable to you. It’s not so hard to get over the person, but it does take awhile to get over the pain of someone intentionally hurting you. These are sick individuals, but no contact is BEST, it really helps you heal. And read as much as you can, it always helps to read articles and also the comments/ You are never alone.

  18. My ex and I planned to be married AGAIN before year end (he was here at thanksgiving). Then called to tell me where I was wrong in our relationship…and left. The final discard!!! Found out he had met someone on a dating website…married her 90 days later. I was devastated!!! But I have been told the day after his wedding.. He is on Facebook still liking pictures of other women….mostly his exs!!! Poor girl..has no idea her downfall has begun!!!!

  19. You will heal I thought I would never ever be close to the same, a year later I woke up thinking about the sociopath ( clinical diagnosed) and had to tell you guys things do get better

  20. Ha good show, ANNON! I wish I had that under my belt. Am at 3 weeks plus, tho. GOD I must make this stop this time, it is just got to stop.

  21. Hi, it’s been a mind-fuck version XII! Ha, I wish it was only that many. But, I wrote out a long essay earlier this afternoon and then just saved it to notes on my pc and deleted on here. You know, it’s even too embarrassing to admit what has happened, what’s gone down. I have epiphanies ( like today I said to myself ‘you gave up cigarettes and he’s just like that~ a bad bad habit that I will never gain enough pleasure from to keep it up. It just ends bad every time.”
    Ha, you know this. You all know the drill. This was expected, this was planned on. I will not shed tears this time- not in me. I grow less angry at him then at myself for ever going down this dark, scary road again. But I give myself a break because parts of “it” was theraputic. How can such bad be any good? Because I have to look at it this way for my own peace. I know now under God as my witness, and y’all too, that absolutely NC, no more excuses or exceptions!!! This oath I must stick to. I MUST
    Thank god for this support- I read and reread stuff on here. But then I get a few good days under my belt and think I’ve licked it. HA. Not enough time has passed but I know there will be new great days ahead! Spring is coming, love this time of year. It will feel good to know each month that goes by without him is so much better than wasting it on a no-good user and drama maker. Hope everyone has a good period too, that everything goes smooth.
    Thanks for being there!

    1. Hey you are right it IS JUST like quitting smoking. I was a non smoker when I met psycho boy. He met me and convinced me to smoke – so I could buy him tobacco!! I went on to smoke for another 4 years!! A lot of my work was founded on the quit smoking method of recovery. 5 weeks ago, I quit smoking again. I went back to recovery groups and was like YES…. this is where I began!! NOT ONE PUFF EVER…. NO CONTACT…. AS ONE CONTACT LEADS TO…. well… you know…. i keep writing posts then they are half finished, and I go onto something else. I really need to get my concentration back. Spring then summer time for new starts…. look at what you have learned and you will see just how far you have come!!!

  22. You know mine gave me hell about smoking, when we first started dating but later went on to smoke in my company ( of course bumming off me for years). I quit last year back when I was nearing my birthday and all alone. I just was so sick of the habit! It only makes you feel worse after they are through ( cigs and SPATHS)! I don’t have any interest in either as they both damaged my life.

    Another reason to avoid contact is I am so angry at how it all ended that I don’t want to ever hear his voice again. It makes me cringe at the mere thought of hearing any excuses. There is no excuse for treating someone that has been through what I have last few years and to just all the time be on your guard around them, knowing like a mine field that you could step on a bomb at any moment of any day. I think deep down he knows this time that he’d gone too far, even he can reflect at that last day and know. If not than who cares? I don’t want to ever drain myself on it, period.
    Happy Humpday!

  23. Like many others who have posted on this site, I would like to express my sincere gratitude for those who have shared their heartbreaking experiences while being involved with sociopathic partners. I have found strength in reading your stories, and have gained more closure reading postings on this site then I ever would have from my ex. Yesterday I was at the lowest point of my entire life. Searching for anything to explain my emptiness, I came across your site.

    I dated what I thought was my soul mate for over 6 years, we lived together for almost 3 years. It was the magical beginning, and I felt sure he was my forever after. So much so, that I truly believe I would have married him on our first date had he asked.

    I saw him through many challenges in his life including the passing of his father, the passing of his beloved dog (who was like a child to him), depression, bankruptcy, multiple job losses and new job positions with less pay. I stood by his side through it all. I was happy to stand by him and never expected anything in return, knowing that he would do the same for me if/when I needed him. Boy was I wrong!!!!

    For 4-1/2 years, I could justify a lot of his bad behavior; selfishness, questionable comments, mood swings, etc. He had been through trauma in his life and I was very understanding of that. At the 4-1/2 year mark however, I grew tired of promises of a future (in words), but his actions told a whole other story. We were at a place where the trauma and depression had subsided, and it was time for him to step up to the plate for me. He sized my ring finger back in Dec. 2013, and I thought finally we are going to move forward. Fast forward two years and all I ever heard was that he was working on making “my” dreams come true….no ring, no move toward forever. I thought they were “our” dreams. Then in Nov. 2015, after 2 near break-ups in the months prior, he moved out of my life and out of our home forever. I was completely devastated! There are no words to describe what I felt. I was 40 yrs. old when I met him.When he walked out of my life, he took every one of my dreams with him. From day one, I saw him as my husband, the father of my future children, my soul mate/ life partner. Since he left, I struggle to know who I am anymore. Life doesn’t make sense, and I can not for the life of me comprehend what has happened, that is until I read the postings on this site. Not to mention, he cost me the last of my biological years for having children, all on a promise that he never intended to make good on.

    Five weeks after he walked out, my friend saw him out with another woman. In complete honesty, I didn’t know if I would live through the pain I felt….. and STILL feel! I contacted him (stupidly) after hearing about the other woman, and have regretted it ever since. I called seeking closure, I was yelling questions at him, and he ultimately hung up on me. That’s the last I’ve heard from him. I sent him a farewell text the next day (again, stupidly), and he never bothered to respond. That was almost a month ago now and I have vowed not to reach out to him ever again…..and I won’t……. but the PAIN! In my 47 years of life, I have never felt pain like this before. I constantly worry that this new woman will be “the one” he marries, has children with. I just can’t bear the thought.

    Please tell me that at some point in time these sociopaths that have caused so much pain in all of our lives, will feel this same pain we feel. I believe in karma and doing unto others….. I just can’t imagine that people who are this manipulative deserve happiness.

    My apologies for the length of this posting. I just really felt the need to vent to others I think understand my heartbreak.

    1. It is good to get your feelings out. It does hurt when someone discards you. Can leave you feeling worthless. I don’t know if they feel the pain this lifetime.. they seem to only ever feel anything if it affects them. I do believe that they will experience all that they did to others….themselves… when they face final judgement.

    2. That’s my issue I struggle with right now. After 2 years living together all I stood by. Then just turned on discarded and he is living life happy. We know the same people and I have to hear everytime someone sees him. I don’t think these manipulative men deserve to be happy . its just hard to deal with as I’m in pure pain and abandonment while he is enjoying life. Esp on a Harley that we picked out together that my name on. I feel degraded ea time I know he rides her. I also have to see them on my way home from work as he doesn’t live far. Months since DEC. He kept telling me he wanted us to work. All along living w her. In two weeks I know they’re going on a weekend trip. Same one I went on…..riding the hill country on our bike. Will he ever see that that Was ours? My name on it. I get the toll bills. It’ll never stop torturing me. Im trying to get my own set a goal for me. This summer show up at biker places and watch everyone’s jaws drop . I bet his will too. Goal I’ve set for me to help w my pain. Why won’t he admit he lives w her? Or changed cell no? Or why keep acting like if I don’t change he will be further away?? What is he wanting to get out of that?

    3. I can relate to all you say….I am currently going through the exact same heart break and he is engaged to another woman because she can put an instant roof over him and he can carry on as her lap dog without having to work for a living . He had not had a proper job for 18 years…now he is with this wealthier than me woman….I have to see a therapist whilst the pair of them enjoy the good life. I hope karma bites the pair of them. She looks older than his 73 year old mother , but he will still be telling her how beautiful she is just as he did with me. I am hurting like hell and gave been for almost a year.

  24. Yeah, new beginnings, the timeline was similar for you and me. I being a few years older ( I was 43 back then) and now 7 years later ( we deduct a year and a half of no-contact) it is around 6. God, luckily we never considered ( talked yes, but seriously, NEVER) living together~ that adds a whole other layer of feelings and I thank the lord I never lost my independence in that way. But how hurtful, I cannot imagine but I can because I had the same losses and trials and tribulations ( six years is a long time for anyone, lots can happen). But I do know the vacuum oh so well when the phone doesn’t ring anymore, no more texts. BUT I REMIND MYSELF, that I usually dreaded the conversations as it was usually him bitching about really meaningless drivel that was happening to him that day. Boring me about his new car plans and how angry he is at this or that person that day! I often would have to ask him if he could keep the convo “lite” that day if I was myself having a depressed feeling. Often he would then get angry or bitter because how dare I imply his day was not important. But come on! Every. Single. Day. Same thing, cue the title. Oh and it is Sunday, every Sunday he would moan and groan about “how the weekend’s almost over”, “where does the time go” ( mind you he always had errands that did not involve me on most weekends!). So yeah, it is nice to know that this latest time that I allowed his tentacles back into my peaceful world, that this time I was suspicious and sure enough it went back to his same old, same old.

    This was the first morning that I woke up and wasn’t really thinking much about him. It’s been a full month since our big blow out and I am getting back to my old self. It will be many moons before I will not think about him much. I got there before so I know it will come to pass. I don’t get a lot of social contact and I am a self professed loner, but when you have a blood sucking tick like them, it still leaves you feeling detached. I think often, does he miss me? What is he up to? Has he already found a new victim? But you know, thanks to this site and all the previous self reflection, I don’t want to know. I know anyone else he would be with is in store for the real him soon. He is so sloppy that I experienced the mask fall off the first month we dated! I knew then it was not a good person for me to be with but I stupidly thought that “love will conquer this”~ ha! Not knowing these people exist (people without emotion) was not something I think I ever considered before I met my disaster with him.

    God if I could only go back in time to that day when he sent me that sweet Easter e-card! I wish I had ignored it. I wish I had moved on. But maybe this was “a life lesson” that I needed to deal with? And I cannot say that I have grown a bunch. Even without so many people that I had then in my life I did not allow him to destroy those relationships, so I did good there.

    It’s all about keeping perspective of YOUR gratitudes! Like positiva keeps saying, wake up and be happy you have what you have. There is so much abuse out there. So many psychos. Be glad that you have finally ended the nightmare and can look on to brighter days with either a new love or be happy with yourself. I think too much in modern society focuses on “needing” someone else to be happy! I have amused myself for literally my entire life ( being socially awkward) and that led me to find interests on my own. YES! I do love sharing. I love making love, I love to be romantic. All that stuff. But I have to remind myself that life, we are born in alone, and we die alone. Even the closest person I ever had in my life was still ME. I try to take care of myself and do what I know will serve me. Relationships are draining, even if things go right. So I bide my time and heal and have hopes. But in the long run I know that everything will be okay. You will do fine and just keep the faith and keep reading on here. You will feel so much better by summer! I promise!
    Happy Leap Day!

      1. Yes! Interesting theory about cycles~ my old BFF ( now deceased ) used to talk about this. She was always exploring New Age theories, from out of body experiences to reincarnation. I loved to think about and read many books on the subject. I am not sure about any cycles but the latest one to have me thinking is that the Universe could be this giant metaphysical, multi-dimensional illusion ( similar to what was depicted in that movie “Matrix”). There is much talk about how the whole thing could be manufactured by merely the gift of conscience thought. I am probably way over-simplifying the true theory, but that was what I have got from it. Now that my mom, who was my buddy, and my life BFF is gone and so many of my other older friendships have become muted, I have to wonder what is on the other side once we leave. But there’s no way to know until that day we leave so I tell myself why even try to understand or imagine it. Because it makes for some interesting thoughts. I hope that someday we all may know what awaits us whether you’re religious and think of pearly gates or like me and just think there’s got to be something! At any rate this is one hell of experience on this gorgeous blue ball whizzing through time and space!

      2. I go to the spiritualist church, not that I am religious, we only have 7 principles. Which is quite good as I am not too great at following long lists of rules. I don’t really do the religious thing.

        ‘Apparently’ I don’t know if this is true, when you get to the other side, what your life is, is what you see! Or how you are? …therefore if you are negative, bad soul you see this, therefore your reality is what they call winterland. IF you are a positive kind hearted soul, you will see a beautiful place, called summerland.

        I think you will go to summerland! 🙂

        Also, ‘apparently’ …. when you get to the other side everyone can see what you are thinking without you opening your mouth. Imagine that! Seeing someone’s thoughts -can you imagine what it would be like for a dead sociopath!! haha… really!

  25. Thank you both for your words of support. I greatly appreciate them. I’m so grateful to have found this website.

    Since posting my story, I have been insatiable in gaining knowledge about sociopaths AND psychopaths, believing now that my ex could fall into either (or both) of these categories. I purchased numerous books on the subject and with each page turned, find myself in disbelief and shock at what I’m reading. It’s like all of this information was written specifically about my ex. Wow!

    Loop12east, I literally think we were dating the same exact man! My ex was also into the car scene and like you, always had errands to do on the weekends that never included me. I would bet that there are more similarities still.

    I have an interesting update to post. A friend of mine passed last week, may he rest in peace. He was a mutual friend of both my ex and I. The viewing was last night and I had anxiety knowing I would likely see my ex there. I was escorted to the viewing by someone I am currently dating. Sure enough, the ex was there. Ugh! Now keep in mind that I have had zero contact with my ex since he hung up on me more than one month ago, I’m certain without shame, guilt or remorse. Well, fast forward 17 hours (to today) and guess who contacted me via text….. You got it…. the ex. You can’t make this stuff up. He was the typical sociopath/psychopath, first playing the victim (ALWAYS), and then saying how sorry he was for the emotional harm he caused me and that I am a special and loving woman….. And that he will always think of me as such. Are you kidding me? ZERO percent chance I will respond to this crazy text. After decoding his text, I see him for what he really is. He is playing on my empathy, playing the victim, and is not sorry at all that he hurt me. The real truth is that he saw me last night with someone else and knows I have moved on, and am no longer under his spell. His ego has been hurt and it once again is all about HIM trying to regain that control. Not a chance!

    Knowledge is power! I feel strong and confident and truthfully, although I expect to have sad moments for what I BELIEVED to be true, I am in great spirits!

    We all can experience the joys of truly loving someone! We will always win!!!!

    1. It is a good idea to read about both. I don’t write about narcissism but I do cover both sociopathy and psychopathy.

      I am sorry to hear that your friend passed. They like the drama and attention of sickness death funerals. As unbelievable as that sounds. My ex attended his grandfather’s funeral last year he was there taking photos like it was a night out. Not photos of the coffin and flowers etc. Photos of people stood together smiling like photos of a night out. Funerals are also useful as they can learn who if anyone will inherit some money

  26. Thank you, Positivagirl. My friend is in a much better place now, as he suffered much before his passing.

    I attended another viewing with my ex last year (when we were still together) for his Uncle, a man he had known ALL his life….. Not one tear! I couldn’t believe it. I questioned him about it and he told me that everyone grieves differently. I understand that, but not a single tear? At the conclusion of the the viewing, he engaged in conversation with his brother about everything except his uncle.

    He had also told me that when his mother passed in 2002 (before I met him), that he was so busy with coordinating arrangements for her funeral, that he never cried for her either. The woman he claims was his very best friend in this life.

    Honestly, he did experience a lot of loss in his life so I just thought he had been hardened to death and loss. I always found ways to justify his behavior, no matter what. In my mind, I could make it, make sense. If i ever feel the need to rationalize someones behavior again, I am going to RUN not walk in the other direction.

    Thank you again for your response.

    1. He probably did you a favour by not crying at his uncles funeral. Haha… they are so dramatic if he went to the effort of faking it it would have been for a reason and he would have made sure everybody noticed 🙂 … I know…

  27. Positivagirl,

    In the case of your ex taking pictures at his grandfathers funeral it begs the question……Do other’s not view this act as depraved? My ex was two completely different people. His persona to the outside world was prestine. The persona I saw behind closed doors was anything but prestine! I view this act at the funeral as sick and twisted and yet, that being said, if it happened with my ex when I was still under that intense manipulation, I probably would have been able to justify the act in my brain somehow. It scares me to admit that now.

    Now that I have some sense of closure in what the ex is and why he operates the way he does, I’m going to begin work on me. There is something in me that attracts this type of person, I suspect stemming from my childhood. I do not ever want to go through this again!!!!!!! There was a brief time when I really didn’t think I was going to make it through the pain of this betrayal. I pray that I am through the worst of it now. I am feeling better after the knowledge gained, and will continue to move forward, but I still have intense breakdowns over what I thought was my fairy tale romance.

    1. This is normal. It isn’t easy to just move on. People sometimes make out that you do no contact and that is it. But it is the mental abuse that needs to be undone. Worse is that they do know what they are doing.

      Yes.. the photograph taking was bizarre like holiday snaps…

    2. Hi . I got here through searching for healing for my heart and soul! That’s fascinating …I’ve just been manipulated into ending an eleven year relationship with a married man. He had finally run out of excuses for staying with her and on the point of leaving he initiated fights and disappeared from contact. I have recently lost my father (he passed away in July) and have been undertaking counselling. Long story short … by discovering my childhood my eyes were opened about my MM. There is something in me that attracts that kind of guy – my own marriage and subsequent relationships up to this point testament to that. This is very early days for me and I hurt but reading all your stories have helped me today. At 59 I’m not sure what my future holds now but I’d rather be alone and healed than trapped in a nightmare. I know my guy was attached and some people may judge me for that but I was misled and yes, even brainwashed -always next month next month she knows just bear with me – in the end we all feel the same under the skin ! I recommend counselling for anyone who has been or still is a victim. Try the website Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Liu. Power to your elbow.

      1. Hi dejected, I am sorry that you have just lost your father, and that you are going through such a tough time. I would think though that the one you describe might not be a sociopath, if he were, he could stay around for inheritence for the death, until he could drain that from you too. You are right, it is better to be on your own and heal, than to have someone treat you in this way.

  28. Yeah NewBeginnings mine was not a cryer either. Funny, because I have NEVER seen him cry. I was thinking if I ever saw him again I would say that- cry for me bitch! LOL
    But he won’t and I still fight that inner feeling that I could respond to him.
    I am so PROUD you have moved on! Wow- already dating after a month. I am about 6 weeks and honestly I feel really isolated this time. I mean, not really but I have been through many bad experiences in the dating world I just honestly can’t see myself even trying to find someone to date. Let the Universe put him at my door! I am just trying to keep myself busy and working on myself and things around here. It is Spring so I can tend garden more- be outside more. I sorta stayed in a lot during the Winter but it was so mild I literally refused to acknowledge many nice days because of this damned global warming!
    Anyway, HA! Talk about the rigamarow I have done because of mine. I even investigated a website for Narcissits many years back, trying to understand the toxic crap that I honestly couldn’t understand where it was coming from. When we first met and dated it was like this back and forth pettiness that I had never encountered in my life. I ordered workbooks and I blogged and blogged. It soon became clear that he was a hybrid- a Narc/Sociopath. They do exist as mine is proof. But he is such a sorry excuse. I don’t know. I am not as strong as you guys and have put myself through this shit so many times. And I went NC for so long only to be duped again as he came slithering back after my hospital stays, my mom died and he went on a cruise that is what happened first and should have been the reason we don’t talk. But I thought just maybe he did really feel remorse. HA- yeah right. This last six months with him after many back and forth no contacts during the Summer. OMG it is just so exhausting. And he laid a doozy at my feet right at Xmas. I was so shell shocked that it took me a month to absorb that this really can’t go on. Ironically I gave him the excuse to explode and dump me although what I did I am not sure. It never takes much to piss them off. But explode he did- and I went NC and I refused to let him get over on me ever again.

    Fast forward to this week, where we had big early Presidential votes on Tuesday and I got a text ( he is blocked so not sure how that gets through but he is a techy and I think hacks shit) but anyway he just sent a pic of his paper ballot where he voted for the candidate that I go on and on about. I guess he thought I would be impressed and respond but he didn’t text any words, just that pic. I pretended I never saw it. NC since. I think how I could talk to him but then I remember- NO! NO friendship with this creep of all creeps. He doesn’t deserve any more chances. He doesn’t deserve my friendship nor my love. He has gone and done it- I hate him now forever. He could die in a firey car crash and I still think he got off easy!

    Okay- well anyway thanks for the responses, y’all. I do like to talk to somebody about my stuff, but know all my friends avoid me now because of the stupidness of it all. I don’t blame them. But this site let’s me vent and think so I am here still. So many that used to comment on here, remember Nikki?, I guess they have moved on. I envy them but hope to be in that stage soon.

    Edaldude aka Loop12east

  29. Hey guys.

    Need some help abit confused well should I say a lot confused.

    I have this guy in my life who is currently giving me the good old silent treated and pretending like I don’t exist after everything Iv done for this person ran around doing everything stayed by there side threw all the bad times… Yada yada yeah my boyfriend of 3 going on 4 years now, I think he has managed down my expectations so I don’t complain I don’t winge I don’t break his balls.. When I get upset he shuts me down.. When I tell him how I feel he tells me ” it’s all in my head” ” I don’t actually feel that way it’s not like that at all” when clearly it is. I start doubting myself wondering if I do winge to much if it is just me but I know it isn’t deep down inside.. He says I’m cooked and delusional… Nothing’s ever good enough for me.. He can’t ever make me happy.. So I just feel bad and guilty and then don’t say nothing at all. Well I spent the weekday with him and the night he was all lovey Dovey giving me affection girlfriend this girlfriend that.. Kiss kiss kiss text me after I left up until Friday then just vanished like Houdini his done this a few times just to come back and have a go at me if I start taking to other guys while he’s gone so I feel like I can’t even move on when he does this now cos I feel to guilty.. Well I don’t understand after everything Iv done why this person msgs me up until the Friday then disappears I messaged him last night but he didn’t reply… It hurts so much I told him I hate it when he does it and he seems so genially sorry for doing it or some old excuse comes up.. But why can’t they just tell you to move on or they don’t want to be together anymore or whatever just some closure instead of acting like they love you and then disappear then come back and so forth.. Then get angry when youve had enough and start talking to someone else then they just make you feel guilty about it so you stop. My brains rattled I just need some answers please I use to be a personal trainer with the most confidence and now i feel like a empty shell and I’m not good enough for anyone.. I feel lucky that he talks to me he told me the other day I should be greatful that I got to spend the night with him after I’m the one driving 3 hours to go see him.. He use to be the complete opposite at the start he was always wanted to see me spend time with me go places together sleep over my house ring my phone all the time then he just started picking on me and everything about myself and I start to wonder why he has changed and he said its all my fault that I didn’t pull my head out or do As he says. He picked on who I use to be he changed what I wore so I didn’t look like a girl seeking attention I don’t go out anymore i don’t do nothing. I feel to guilty to do anything. Now he gets to ignore me like I don’t exist why I sit here and be that good little behaved girl and wait even though I know I shouldn’t but I still fukn do. I love this man to bits because he can be such the cute loving caring guy we have such great times together when he’s not being the other person I’m just so confused and upset 😦 I don’t know what to do and what’s right or wrong anymore

    1. He does not respect you as evidenced by his behavior and he chose you for your compassion and loyalty- it is evidenced by how you stood by his side. If you think he managed down your expectations he probably did- it is an ongoing pattern of sociopaths. Sadly, it takes a while for the mind and your heart to catch up to each other especially if you tend to see the good in folks. Essentially, you should talk to a trusted friend, find a therapist, and self reflect on what he has done to you and create a timeline. In my life, my coping mechanism during the relationship was to go back to how he was in the beginning;now I know that the image he created or that fairy tale image was not an accurate portrayal of him. The real person is what you are seeing now and the farther you get away from this toxicity the better off you will be…

  30. damned if you do, damned if you dont
    if they act like they dont want you, they dont
    forced to live with mine, its awful

      1. Hi I am glad I found this site. I dated a charismatic sociopath for 5 months which doesn’t sound long but it was the longest 5 months of my life. I left my husband of 4 years for him. I met him at my job and from the very first day it was electrifying. We right away became friends on fb, he was so funny and nice and said all the things I was needing to hear. I was lacking attention in my marriage and not very happy and he too was in the same exact situation. His wife ignored him they didn’t even sleep in the same room anymore so he said. I was swept away he was writing me love poems daily leaving love notes on my car to find…I left my husband a month after meeting him and he convinced me to let him help me pack. I stayed with my family until my husband moved out of our house and he helped me move back in. We were texting constantly when we weren’t together. Then as soon as I was back home he started to text less…and then he abruptly quit his job. So we saw each other less bc he couldn’t leave his wife until he was financially stable. I told him I would wait forever to be with him…and I would have… he found another job after a few weeks (I was paying for everything in the mean time even his cell bill “just so we could stay in constant communication ” he said bc he missed me tremendously.) But once he started the new job it really started taking a lot of time away from us…I told him we were growing distant and he said we didn’t need to talk everyday and I was trying to hold him back…so I stopped texting so much and he would randomly show up at my house and ask me why I was pulling away and that he wanted to be with me… I found myself being so depressed and thinking about him every waking moment. It would take him hours to respond to a message but if I waited even 5 minutes he would send text after text. I took this to mean he just missed me and wanted to talk to me as much as I did him. Tax season came and he started talking about us living together and he would get a huge return to get out of his house and get his own place if I didn’t want him here…when we made love he would cry and tell me how I was the best thing that ever happened to him I was his soul mate and I was saving him from his life of misery… our last day together was 4 days ago…we went to a nice dinner and a movie and right before he left to go home he held me and swore he was leaving as soon as the money came he was ready to spend his life with me…I’ve never felt such joy and love that day…the next day I was blocked on fb he was vague in a text saying his wife found out about us and we couldn’t talk bc he needed to tell her it was completely over and he would call me to let me know the next steps…the call never came…I wait 2 days and his wife contacts me to say I wasn’t the first I won’t be the last and I deserved an explanation and she would make him give me one…I went to his job and waited for him to get off bc I needed closure…he looked at me with cold black eyes and said idk why I did any of this I never planned to leave..but I love you. He told me his wife knew his ways and he was supposed to suffer with her and then he walked away. And I’ve heard nothing from him since. I’m devastated…physically Ill and broken…and bc we were cheating I feel like I have nowhere to turn without the judgement of others… the worst part…if he wasn’t a stonewaller I would still take him back…probably even let him live with me even though I know that’s not logical…

  31. I’m still trying to figure out whether my ex is a covert narcissist or a sociopath. I’ve just been discarded, I’m trying to make sense out of nonsense this blog has given me some comfort. I was single for a long time as my last relationship was abusive so I was very guarded, but then this handsome charming guy literally came in and love bombed me to death and eventually my guard came down. Within weeks he claimed to feel a “special connection” to me want to have kids with me and talked about living together, complimented me showered me with non attention, calls,texts, dates spending time together, asked me to be his girlfriend within 2 weeks claiming he wants to spend the rest of his life with me he loves everything about me. I can’t deny I felt something was off, everything was moving so fast, too fast but he still showed the same intensity even after we slept together, so I trusted him because I then believed that he wasn’t just in it for sex. I felt pressured into becoming his girlfriend in such a short space of time because despite this amazing strong connection we still didn’t really know each other, but I hadn’t felt this much chemistry and connection in so long it felt so good, he pressured me saying he felt I was holding back and needed to let him prove he was in it for the long haul. If I missed a call or didn’t reply to a text quick enough he would call until I would answer sometimes 10-15 times in a row! or text repeatedly until I would respond, questioning why I took so long to answer. After becoming exclusive I felt that his attention seemed to decrease, the phone calls and texts became sporadic, but just when I felt he was being distant he would suddenly text or call telling me how addicted to me he was and how he couldn’t stop thinking about me missing me etc. He would often mention exes who were models, beautiful successful but say he did not want them. He would also try and make me jealous telling me girls who lived in his building (he lived in a shared house) would walk out naked and give him the eye, and that women on the street would throw themselves at him but he would turn them down, he would always look at me intensely during these stories to see my reaction but I always acted unbothered as I felt he was just testing me to see if I would get jealous. After a while I felt he would give me backhanded compliments saying things like, I’ve slept with women your size and they usually have loose p***y but yours is tight you carry your weight well! He also tried to tell me to change my hair, change career and how to decorate my home, he would always say you are so beautiful to me.. The to me part always made me feel like he was saying I wouldn’t be to anyone else.. Looking back now I can see he was trying to change me but I didn’t realise it then. He would spill a drink and then blame me for it or little things which seemed odd to me. He also told me about this YouTube video that he thought was hilarious, he made me watch it and it was a cat falling to its death and it was quite disturbing, he seemed so amused by it and could not stop laughing until he saw my reaction and then said he thought it was sad too and tried to act sympathetic, I also found this quite odd.. As time went on he became more distant He would ignore my messages and started saying he was stressed and busy and then I found out he was secretly dating online. I was devasted and sent him a message saying he was a player and I was done and I blocked him. A few days passed and I felt so depressed that like an idiot contacted him, I couldn’t believe that he hadn’t even tried to prove how sorry he was, how could he get over me so easily! Stupidly I called him and asked to meet up with him (I genuinely wanted closure, i couldn’t get him out of my head) I went to see him and he said he’s been really stressed due to money problems and he feels depressed and suicidal and really does care about me and knew it was all his fault but still feels a “special connection” when I asked him why if he’s so depressed he’s online dating he began crying saying he felt suicidal.. He should get a damn Oscar because I actually felt guilty and believed this bs and ended up staying the night with him. He then told me that during our break he added his ex gf on Facebook and had liked some of her pictures, again I thought he was trying to make me jealous(how could I be so dumb) The next day i decided to go on his Facebook to find he had added at least 200 girls who’s pictures he had liked, including his ex) I decided to go NC again but didn’t even tell him it was over when he called or text I just ignored him. Just as I started to feel strong and get over him 2 weeks go by and he texts me saying I guess no one cares when your down and out, really thought you were the one, guess I was wrong.. I can’t deny despite all his shit I still felt deep down there was a connection, I missed him so badly and I like an idiot replied explaining that I only ended it because he had been unfaithful and I felt he was saying he was depressed as an excuse and wouldn’t leave him just because he had no money! Somehow he worked his charm on me again claiming to miss me special connection bla bla and I fell for it.. I missed him so badly I went to see him and after and amazing passionate night together I hear nothing for 2 days after. I called and text and got no reply, then after I Send an emotional text about feeling used and just be real about your intentions he responds saying he was just busy and I overreacted. I said if he wants to see other women then just leave me alone and he gives me the whole special connection speech and says he doesn’t want to end it. He contacts me the next day on whatsapp and we have a nice convo for an hour and then randomly disappears offline. This was 4 days ago he’s now been online numerous times but is deliberately ignoring my message even though we were having a full on conversation planning a date for the following week.. He knows he’s deliberately ignoring me and it’s funny because it’s not as upsetting as before, maybe I’m desensitised to it, but I now just feel disappointed in myself that I missed so many red flags and allowed it to go on! I can’t understand why he would come back to then discard me, why say you want to be with me then ignore me.. It’s obvious he’s found a new supply as he is constantly on whatsapp and even on at 4 in the morning (funny we used to talk until the early hours of the morning..) I’ve blocked him this time and deleted his number. I just feel hurt because I’m now realising that everything I thought we had was a lie! I feel like an idiot! Anyway sorry for the rant and thank you for bringing awareness to these types of men! Do you think he is a narc or sociopath?

  32. Hi I am glad I found this site. I dated a charismatic sociopath for 5 months which doesn’t sound long but it was the longest 5 months of my life. I left my husband of 4 years for him. I met him at my job and from the very first day it was electrifying. We right away became friends on fb, he was so funny and nice and said all the things I was needing to hear. I was lacking attention in my marriage and not very happy and he too was in the same exact situation. His wife ignored him they didn’t even sleep in the same room anymore so he said. I was swept away he was writing me love poems daily leaving love notes on my car to find…I left my husband a month after meeting him and he convinced me to let him help me pack. I stayed with my family until my husband moved out of our house and he helped me move back in. We were texting constantly when we weren’t together. Then as soon as I was back home he started to text less…and then he abruptly quit his job. So we saw each other less bc he couldn’t leave his wife until he was financially stable. I told him I would wait forever to be with him…and I would have… he found another job after a few weeks (I was paying for everything in the mean time even his cell bill “just so we could stay in constant communication ” he said bc he missed me tremendously.) But once he started the new job it really started taking a lot of time away from us…I told him we were growing distant and he said we didn’t need to talk everyday and I was trying to hold him back…so I stopped texting so much and he would randomly show up at my house and ask me why I was pulling away and that he wanted to be with me… I found myself being so depressed and thinking about him every waking moment. It would take him hours to respond to a message but if I waited even 5 minutes he would send text after text. I took this to mean he just missed me and wanted to talk to me as much as I did him. Tax season came and he started talking about us living together and he would get a huge return to get out of his house and get his own place if I didn’t want him here…when we made love he would cry and tell me how I was the best thing that ever happened to him I was his soul mate and I was saving him from his life of misery… our last day together was 4 days ago…we went to a nice dinner and a movie and right before he left to go home he held me and swore he was leaving as soon as the money came he was ready to spend his life with me…I’ve never felt such joy and love that day…the next day I was blocked on fb he was vague in a text saying his wife found out about us and we couldn’t talk bc he needed to tell her it was completely over and he would call me to let me know the next steps…the call never came…I wait 2 days and his wife contacts me to say I wasn’t the first I won’t be the last and I deserved an explanation and she would make him give me one…I went to his job and waited for him to get off bc I needed closure…he looked at me with cold black eyes and said idk why I did any of this I never planned to leave..but I love you. He told me his wife knew his ways and he was supposed to suffer with her and then he walked away. And I’ve heard nothing from him since. I’m devastated…physically Ill and broken…and bc we were cheating I feel like I have nowhere to turn without the judgement of others… the worst part…if he wasn’t a stonewaller I would still take him back…probably even let him live with me even though I know that’s not logical…

      1. I think it’s normal to hope and wish that they will come back to us because the connection we once felt was so strong.. until we accept that the feelings we feel towards us is and never was mutual we will always feel this longing… I too sometimes wish and hope he will realise he fucked up and come back begging me but I know deep down he A doesn’t deserve me and B doesn’t and can’t love me or care for me the way I did him. It’s hard to comprehend but once you do you can start loving yourself in the way you loved him. I wish you the best and hope you can’t find the right kind of love instead of addiction to an unhealthy love that he doesn’t deserve

    1. Thank you…I am trying hard on an hourly basis probably to remind myself if he cared this wouldn’t have happened…do I really want to be with someone who could so easily make me feel this? Sometimes it works sometimes it doesnt. I have decided to talk to some friends and family members about it though because it sends me into dark places… Ive also sought out some help from a dr…although the wait list is over a month away…I pray he stays away until I can find my strength again…or forever would be best…

      1. Your welcome, I know what you mean. I know that my ex is no good for me at all but for some silly reason a small part of me longs for him to return.. I think it has a lot to do with not fully accepting that everything was a lie and that his feelings were never genuine! Normal loving people just don’t treat people that way. You should be proud of yourself for recognising your self worth and realising you deserve more! I’m seeing it as an addiction and we are cold turkey right now it hurts now but eventually we will kick the habit and see the benefits of being free from a user a manipulator who never loved us. Keep busy and do things to make yourself happy. We will find a healthy real love one day, instead of an illusion that is fake, stay strong x

  33. Reading RH SIN whiskey words and a shovel has definitely helped me a lot, also read self help books such as iyanla vanzant in the meantime has really helped with the healing process x

  34. I will definitely look into those today! I dreamt about him last night bring with someone else and it has me feeling a certain kinda way. 😦 I thought about messaging his whole family wife and her family to make them aware of his problem but… I need to move on…I know I can’t keep thinking about him… I just hate knowing he’s getting away with this unscathed while I’m stuck in an emotional shitstorm.

  35. I get what you mean but it’s honestly not worth it, it will just make things worse. Leave him to karma and focus your energies on making yourself happy. All these feelings are normal! And trust me she will see it for herself eventually anyway. When he sees your not bothered he will probably try come back so you have to work on building your strength now.

  36. After care & closure went well, horrific experiences were gifted to me from him. Then he got through and began bothering me again, good cop bad cop routine which makes me extra nervous not to trigger the rage or defend myself. I keep asking him to go enjoy his new relationship but he ignores me finding more ways to stress me out. A visit to my house was the worst, I didn’t open the door.
    Now his new partner is trying to contact me and I’m freaking out with this nonsense. He loves drama, I hate it, I’d love to tell her about him being a stalker, raging and having more than one woman on the merrygoround, but I can’t afford the stress.
    When do they leave for good ? What has he told her about me ? Does she think I’m crazy or in love with him ? Is she as crazy as him ?

  37. My husband is a full blown narcissist. As soon as we got married, the mask came off. I was totally caught off guard as I had no idea of what was happening. After 7 months of marriage he abandoned me. I didn’t know where he was or anything. I called him and he ignored my calls and emails. I cried and was so depressed. He eventually started coming around maybe once a month. The sad thing was that I put up with this behavior for a year and a half. This man tore down my self esteem so badly that I felt the crumbs he was giving me was better than nothing. I eventually had to go to therapy, but I let him still trick me to stay in his crazy world. He recently lost his job and asked if he could stay with me until he got on his feet. I agreed because I still love the idiot. Well that was short lived. After 3 weeks he was gone again. The difference this time is that I put him out! He made a mistake and butt dialed my number and I overheard a conversation he was having with his ex wife. When he came home, I confronted him and he went ballistic! I told him to get the hell out of my life. I drove him to his ex wife’s house, dropped him off, and I sped off. The very next day I went to the court and filed for divorce. Now he has been emailing me and I have been ignoring him. I have gone no contact and it feels great. I am not stopping until I get rid of this man. He is a sick twisted individual who stole my joy and my life. He knew what he was doing the whole time. I am trying to figure out what I ever saw in him. I guess it was the charm that narcissist have because he is not very attractive and no woman would look twice at him. By the way, he is 52 years old and I’m wife number 3 for him. A man like him is sure to have wife number 4, 5, and 6. For those who have allowed a narcissist to make your life miserable, please stay strong and cut them off. Trust me, you don’t lose anything by going no contact with the devil!

  38. Here is my story. Please tell me if this guy is a narcissist or if I am evil. 27 years ago I met this wonderful guy and on our first date, he shook my hand instead of coming on strong like most guys. I found that endearing. We dated for four and a half years. Then he asked me to marry him and I was over the moon in love. He owned a home and substantial property on Cape Cod near the beach, so he asked me to sign a prenup. I foolishly did. We had a big beautiful wedding and when we went on our honeymoon, he reserved a room with twin beds to save money. When we got home he scolded me for buying too many groceries. It turns out I had gotten pregnant on the honeymoon. We were in our thirties so I was ready. He was not. When I voiced my excitement and joy at having a baby, he told me that all he wanted to do was build a dining room and because I was having a baby he couldn’t afford to. He told me the weight of the world was on his shoulders. I had severe morning sickness day and night and he told me he was sorry he had gotten mixed up with such a “lemon.” He had a not well behaved dog who slept by the bed and every night he made me climb over the dog to get into bed because the dog had lived with him longer and had more rights. I developed a problem with the pregnancy and was put on bed rest. I notified my boss and all was fine there, but about a week after arranging my leave of absence, he told me that his parents said I had been fired from my job. I told him I had taken a leave of absence. But he said I was a huge disappointment. One cold icy, night, he came home from his job as a self-employed carpenter and I asked him if he would go to the store about a half mile away and get me some ginger ale because I was so nauseous. He said he wanted to have a drink and relax and refused to go. So, I continued getting his dinner and he lit a fire in the wood stove. I swear, it was over a hundred degrees in the house and I asked if I could open a window to get a little air and he grabbed me by the shoulders and said, “Here, you want some air, I’ll give you some” and pushed me out the door into the icy yard. I was fortunate that I had grabbed my bag as he was pushing me so was able to drive home to my parents house. A few minutes later the police called and said he had thrown every thing I owned in a pile on his lawn. The next day was New Year’s Eve and he went out partying with his cousins while I stayed at home crying. He filed for divorce soon afterward and my lawyer counterfiled so that I could control the court dates since I was pregnant. The lawyers drew up a document that said he had to pay my hospital bills and a few weeks later, I had to be hospitalized with a complication to the pregnancy and he called me and told me he hated babies because they stink and yelled at me for being in the hospital. I became a single mother before my daughter was born. That was 23 years ago. The whole time I was pregnant he wouldn’t even speak to me.I was granted a divorce on the grounds of cruelty and abuse. Once he came over to see our baby when she was an infant and the spark between us was still glowing and he told his lawyer I had seduced him. LOL I raised our daughter alone and he paid a very low amount of child support because he was so wealthy he didn’t have to work and child support in MA is based on income only. He was for the most part an absent father. But every few years he would come back around and I would end up back in bed with him when I heard his sweet apologies. I truly believed that I could put my family back together again. A year or so ago I was at his house and some tenants of his stopped in to meet our daughter and all he did was show them a bowling trophy and pictures of himslef on a fishing trip, etc. He owned two homes and two cottages mortgage free and I own a home but have a mortgage, yet he would not pitch in and help our daughter get a car or anything. His cousin is a felon who served ten years in prison for home invasion and using the gun to hurt his ex and her boyfriend in front of a small female child and my ex is best friends with him. In August he sold a cottage for three hundred thousand dollars and as it was, I was driving our daughter 40 miles to her job everyday and then I was driving back 50 miles to my job and then back 50 more to pick her up and 40 more to go home. I was tired of this situation so I asked him if he would get our daughter a car of some sort and he yelled, “That money is mine!” It was not a pretty fight. We had made love and then he told me he wanted nothing to do with me. After 27 years of an off and on relationship. Then a few months later I had a health crisis and I asked him to take me to the doctor which he did but then I never heard from him again. In February he started contacting me again and he had a health scare and I was right there for him as I have been through several cardiac procedures. Then two weeks later, he was supposed to pick our daughter up from work and bring her home and he texted her and said he couldn’t because he was meeting up with a new lady friend. Then he texted me that he had a new woman. He blocked both our daughter and me from his phone. First, he told me it was my fault that he dumped me because I was always complaining that he didn’t help me with our daughter and that was according to him, “my mess” not his. All I had asked him for was a car for our daughter. He evaded every parental responsibility and I am so tired from having to work multiple jobs all of these years to support our daughter. He emailed me and told me he would not speak to me and the next day he unblocked our daughter’s phone and told her to tell me a bunch of crap about what he calls “the other woman.” I am so confused abut all of this and why he would do this after we have been together for a lot of the past 27 years. I feel so guilty that maybe I did cause the break up. My pain is unbearable but I keep working to keep food on the table. Does he sound like a narcissist to you? The big thing is that he feels zero empathy for both our daughter and me.

  39. Yep I’m going thru this right now. I stood by thru all and supported financially . he left in DEC. Kept playing mind f games until I blew his lies publicly in april. He took our Harley , our dog, my money and went n moved in wwith an old girlfriend . now I no longer exist. Won’t say goodbye. Changed cell no and said if I need him email him. Screw that. He owes me 10k and my Harley. If I ever said any heartfelt words he ignored came back w saying I’m stalking him. Umm no I’m not. Been 12 days I went NC and haven’t heard from him either. Doubt I ever will. All this after asking me to marry him last Nov after cheating on me for fifth time. Blames me for everything. Now him n ex gf who is sooo ugly really. Everyone said I was most beautiful gf he ever had. Its hard. I miss him. The fun. But that was fake I see. Some days I wish I knew he thinks of me. I went and bought my own Harley as my therapy to not sit n think of him. Wonder as I was great supply if months or years hell try to come back to me.

  40. I’ve no idea if the last guy I dated was a sociopath but I can relate to the lovebombing idealisation phase. He rushed the relationship and by 3 weeks declared love for me.
    I couldn’t believe how lucky I was to of met him. He introduced me to friends and family. Even said to them he’d waited a long time for this. He asked me to do small favours and I did.
    Then I began noticing things. He played the victim in every previous relationship. He’d been cheated on etc. He had over 1600 friends on Fb and there was constant banter about his dating like on there. I felt uneasy. He would say others were interested in him and show me his exs that he was still friends with. He seemed like he used fb to appear outgoing and having a great life. He spent money like it was water. Buying huge rounds yet his flat had cheap furniture. He also showed me a bank card in his wallet that was his exs of yrs ago, strange he’d have that.
    And then suddenly after I missed a goodnight text he changed and went quiet on me, dumped me abruptly a few days later by text. There was no empathy for my feeling nothing. I told him I’d had feelings and his reply was did I mean a feeling.
    I never heard back from him after that and that was 3 mths ago.
    I was so hurt and confused I wanted to
    Speak with him but I didn’t I left it. I still wonder if he lied the whole time about falling for me. I’ll never know.

    1. Lou, I posted this above…..but worth repeating.

      I was lied to and love bombed for 2.5 years. As soon as I raised the issues I was cut off completely. My fiance (despite having described me as the love of her life and being only 2 weeks away from the wedding) moved on within 3 weeks and moved in with the next guy within months. No contact, abandoned and completely discarded.
      What is written above is very true…..don’t look for answers from the person that has done all the damage. You won’t get them.
      The best analogy I read was that the person you were dating is incapable of investing anything. I was (you were) like a car bought for $300 by a backpacker in another country. The moment the car gives any trouble, it is discarded and a new one purchased. $300 is the biggest investment the sociopath is capable of. They don’t know love…..they might say it and “act” it, but thats all it is.

  41. My problem, now that he’s left me, is I don’t know who I am!
    We did everything together.
    They say to do something that you didn’t do when you did things with him but I don’t know WHAT to do!
    The loneliness is the worst part of this all.
    I’m going on 8 weeks NC but that also consists of 8 weeks of just existing.
    I’m lifeless!

    1. Yes i have faced the same GayeLynn. He had moulded, shaped me, isolated me and twisted reality so well.. i can relate. It has been a long time for me. What helps is to reconnect to those you knew BEFORE it happened.

  42. That’s what is so embarrassing!
    I really didn’t HAVE many friends before him.
    I’ve always felt like I was the 3rd wheel my entire life and when I’d have A friend, that friend would get 100% of me.
    That’s why it was so easy for him.
    I MADE it easy.
    I GAVE him 100%.

    I do, however, have a BFF that, for reasons I can probably GUESS, isn’t here for me at all this time.
    Whether she feels 1) It’s the same ole same ole or 2) karma’s a bitch as she may feel I wasn’t there for her like she would’ve liked because I was with HIM for 5.5 years OR 3) that she has finally found HAPPY and anything BUT, is a waste of her time.(?)
    I have confronted her with ALL 3 scenarios and she disputes them….”allows” me to call and vent after 2 or 3 weeks of me “begging” (without any input, good OR bad so I MAY as well NOT have talked at ALL) and then denies the fact that she isn’t here for me.
    Once, she even said it was because her phone was broke.
    That was last week~Friday and Saturday.
    Hardly equates for all the other ignored calls/texts.
    Even with his run 7 weeks ago, THREE weeks ago, my 17 year old cat was dying and she wasn’t even there for me through that harrowing 2 weeks.(?)
    (My cat, I’m convinced, as he was only “sick” and “dying” in front of ME, because he took on ALL of my emotions to where it SEEMED as though he was checking out. $1,200 in tests LATER, I found he’s healthier than I could EVER be!!)
    LOVE MY CAT!~Now HE’S for SURE always there for me!!!

    I’m certain, I need to stop studying HIM and turn to ME as there’s no DOUBT that I’m HIGHly Co-Dependent.
    Signed up for a few things online and they do have a meeting once a week up the road from me.
    However, it’s a 12 step program.
    August 8th, I will be celebrating my 24th year of sobriety NO thanks to AA.
    I didn’t care for those meetings AT all and it seems ALL support meetings for ANY thing are based on those darn steps.
    What I’d like to perhaps do, is just go and see if I make a friend or 2.
    The problem again, I was going stir crazy on my 15th year of not drinking and had NO place to go so I DID go to an AA meeting.
    I honestly said, “I’m not here for support to not drink. I just want to make some new friends.”
    Not GOOD!
    The guy running the show that night, who had 6 months in after numerous amounts of relapses, told me not to ever say that again and if I come back, I needed to learn the AA jargon!!!!!
    Talk about REALLY feeling like I didn’t belong anywhere after THAT!
    (Looking BACK, 9 years later, it IS making me smile a bit!)

    All in all, I guess I KNOW what to DO.
    Just don’t know HOW as I’ve never been good at ALONE.

  43. I could really just some guidance. I dated a woman for about a year. The beginning she told me she wanted to marry me and raise my kids with me and that I was the best thing that ever happened to her. I was her movie. Fast forward to 6 months and her father passed away. I was there for her…no one else was. She seemed to still be in love with me tho and she seemed to be ok just sad. Then she started being mean…insults, distant and I was on eggshells…I didn’t know what was happening but thought it was grief…the thing is she was nice to everyone but me…a roller coaster. One day I felt like she was the girl I knew and next was this cold stranger. For 6 months I took this roller coaster because again I thought it was grief…I have been around ppl who lost before and never experienced mean but it was next level. I was a mess. Them after one year, half of it being a roller coaster she told me she didn’t want to be with me anymore. I didn’t make her happy and she wanted to break up…about a week went by and she was back talking to me but didn’t want to be with me…kept me on a string. Told me she didn’t want to be with me but she had hope that maybe one day she would. My life was in shambles…fast forward to June…she loved me again and wanted me to let her in and now it is August and now she says she is gone and is never coming back. I am again devasted. How did this happen. She kept telling me she knew she was great and she knew she was good looking. She would belittle me in front of people. Wouldn’t come with me to an important doctors appt because to her it didn’t sound fun eventhough I was always by her side. She didn’t care when my son got diagnosed with a disability. Said oh well I am sure it will be ok and that was it. How did this happen??? Who is this person? My therapists say this is not grief and she lacks empathy and does things to hurt me and it will never make sense as to why. Are they right? Am I dealing with a narcissist? A week ago I was bawling over her and she knew I was devastated that she said she didn’t want to be with me ever again but then messaged to tell me she got her nipple pierced. That made me freak out! Why?!?!?

      1. Does she sound bpd? Socio? Narc? I can’t make sense how one week she was messaging me every day and now she wants nothing to do with me

  44. Dealt with the devil on and off 1 year. He did a lot for me. Money, fixing my car and house. Always there everytime I called even if I told him I was done. Turns out he’s been with another woman during the same time. She knew about me I knew nothing about her. He slept with us both without protection. I wound up pregnant and he discarded me like trash. I didn’t realize I had been in the devaluation stage from early on. I knew he was a fraud and bum but still dealt with him. He beat me up when I confronted him and now has a warrant for his arrest. He is the worse person I ever met. He is the devil to me a monster. I feel so angry and vengeful. Trying to move forward but emotionally truamatized. Reliving the lies and devaluation. I should have left 100 times. Lonely confused and feel rejected. Found out he has a lengthy criminal record too. So many civil suits as he poses as a licensed contractor. Nobody understands…

  45. I just found out my ex narc who basically caught off our sex life before she dumped me is totally sleeping around. Something she would look down upon when she was with me. She told me we can’t hang out because she knows we will get back into a relationship (which is like ok….that means you know we have a strong connection) and she just doesn’t want a relationship and wants to be alone is actually just having meaningless sex with people! I don’t understand

  46. Please help. I don’t know who to turn to. The sociopath in my life discarded me 4 years ago. He had made me completely dependent on him financially as well as emotionally. When he left, he did it without looking back. Took our dog comfort and future. I’m older than he is and was left without a career or prospectives. He kept dangling the carrot and now I’m looking at living on near poverty levels…. I’m a typical loyal empathetic human being and was a good catch for the sociopath. He really ruined my life and I don’t know how to heal? The therapists I see, do not understand what I’m really gong through. I was never so helpless, depressed, confused. I use to think I was intelligent, beautiful and felt I had a lot to offer someone but now I feel as a failure. I’ve not been able to even date anyone for 4 years. I’m grabbing at straws for recover from this nightmare. I’m open to any suggestions as to what I can do to begin my healing.

  47. I am in the same position as you, unable to heal. Pain worsens every day really but I my job keeps me going and focused on something productive. My sociopath was my ex husband who pushed me out of his house on a cold winter’s night 24 years ago New Year’s Eve and I was pregnant at the time. I stupidly got involved with him again and in March he dumped me for a real estate agent who was selling his property and disowned our daughter, too. No one understands the pain. I think we just have to look at the damage these sociopaths do and be thankful they are out of our lives. I know that is easier said than done.

    1. Jayne i am sorry for the pain you are experiencing. What a dirt bag he is. It is his loss. You have your beautiful daughter. Run for the hills with her and hopefully he will continue to be distracted elsewhere while you can continue to heal and recover and you can and will. Make 2017 the year you quit something that is very toxic for you.

  48. I have tried wishing, I’ve tried hoping out of shear will & I’ve tried praying for her but it seems nothing will help these people understand. The deep intricate wounds they are able to create are astonishing. It truly scares me how she could cut me down so easily when I’m simply attempting to make plans with her. For example: For work, I was away 4 days a week so we’d speak on the phone several times a day. Had 1 more day to go until 3days of freedom and with all this time alone at work, I’m dreaming of her. Where are we gonna go & what are we gonna do when I get back. So I ask her, “what you wanna do when I get there baby?” most often, she’d react with very little or even negative enthusiasm. One time I was utterly mortified when her response was, “Oh, are you coming up to see me? Aren’t you gonna go see your MOM first? Or are you gonna go visit your FRIENDS first? WHY AREN’T YOU HERE? I NEED A MAN.”
    Holy Crikey!!! Ever since I met her that’s all I ever wanted to do, was spend every available minute with her. At this point I was extremely confused. Why was she yelling? Why was she involving my friends & family? Do I sometimes visit them? Yes, I sure as hell do but what in the world is she freaking out for? Wow!
    When I first met her, she had sparkles in her eyes. And I literally mean, SPARKLES … In her eyes. Brilliant, radiant diamonds beaming out of her blue eyes. I literally thought I had found a diamond in the rough…’er actually she found me. But after years of excessive drinking all while plunging deeper into the complete madness of mental distortion, her eyes now are nothing but black holes.

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