Mirror Mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?
In the very beginning things feel extremely promising with the sociopath. But you will not know why.
You have met what appears to be the person of your dreams. He appears to be everything that you ever looked for in a man. What you do not realise, is that this man has already assessed you.
He has assessed you by
- What you say
- Body language
- Talks of needs and wants
- Information about your life
- How much do you have to take?
- Do you have what he wants?
- What is the support in your life – and what opposition would there be to achieve his objective?
In the beginning the sociopath will ask a lots of questions? You were flattered that he seemed to know and understand you so well? How he knew you like nobody else, this has to be a soul mate connection – right? He is just like you….. and has same values, same goals, and seems to have similar to offer as you.
The sociopath is a predator and has the ability to read a person better than anyone Despite his warm charismatic extererior, behind this lies a cold calculating mind, not inhibited by emotions. The sociopath will do lots of things to assess you, and to decide what you are worth, and if what you have to offer is what he needs. To the sociopath, a victim/target is no more than a tool to be used.
He is the slick, smooth salesman, and will assess you, for what you want, what you need, will mirror back to you, and then ‘sell’ you exactly what you want. Its the ultimate deception. The sociopath is expert at selling himself, to be exactly what you want and need.
The assessment and how they mirror you, will depend on what they want from you.
If they need money? They will ask
- “how much is your house worth”
- ”how much do you earn”
- “do you have any debts”?
From an early point, the sociopath is assessing you. He does not want you to be suspicious (who wants to be with a free loader) and so he will counteract these questions with outright lies
- “I own a house, its rented elsewhere, its worth xxx”
- “I earn xxx” (usually a ridiculously high amount)
- “I work as x x x” (a job which will match your professional level)
- “I have no debts, never got into debt” (giving the illusion of financial stability).
Of course these are all all lies, the lies are designed to ‘match’ you and to sell you what you are looking for. This is all part of the strategy for him to be the ‘ideal man (or woman)’ . These lies will lure you into a false sense of security. You will feel that you have met someone who is
- Just like you
- Holds the same values you as you
- Has the same interests as you
- Likes you for all of the values that you hold
He will offer you, whatever you are ‘advertising’ as lacking in your life
- If you are lonely – he will offer companionship
- If your ex was unfaithful or you were hurt in the past, he will sell himself as a person from long term stable relationships
- If you need money, he will tell you that he has financial stability, a good job etc
- If you are seeking stability, he will present himself as a stable person
- If you need fun and excitement, he will be fun and exciting
Whatever you want and need – the sociopath will be keen to provide it.
Assessing and then being who you want, is called mirroring
A sociopath will mirror you Which means that he will reflect back to you, exactly who you are, or even who you think you are. He positively enforces your good qualities, or what you perceive your good qualities to be. He will not mention your bad points or your weaknesses. You might assume that he is so blinded by love, that he hasn’t noticed your weaknesses. But he has. He will test you for weaknesses, then store your weaknesses in his mind for a future date.
By mirroring you, naturally you will assume that you are with someone that you
1. Feel safe with
2. Can trust
3. Someone similar to you. Similar values, goals, and long term life outlooks
We all like people who are like us. People who reflect us.
A sociopath will affectively mirror you, both in the assessment stage, and throughout the relationship. They will continue to mirror you, until they have used you for all that you are worth.
This gives the false illusion that you are with someone who is special. Someone who is just like you, who is a soulmate, and someone that you have known for a considerable period of time, it feels ‘comfortable’ and it feels ‘right’……
If you have met somone, and the relationship has progressed extremely quickly, and you have been swept off of your feet. That this person feels ‘perfect’…. just take a step back, and remember that perfection does not exist. It s a mythical tale, real relationships take work , effort, and adjustment. No two people are identical, not even identical twins, so what are the chances of meeting someone almost identical to you in this life? Really? It is not very realistic, do not let your heart run away with your head. Stand back, and think, what do I REALLY know about this person? What is verified? How much of this is real?
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Dating a Sociopath 
We had the same birthdate (truth – I verified that when I went to the courthouse to view his 7 felony convictions), both left handed (true), his first name was my youngest brother’s middle name and his middle name was my oldest brother’s first name (true -again I can verify this from the court records). From there it was so easy to believe that we were the same about everything else… same values, same goals, same interests… everything.
And as women we are conditioned to believe that we will always want to commit while men will always be looking for greener pastures so when he immediately (IMMEDIATELY) wanted to be involved in every facet of my life… my family, my church, the youth group I worked with, my hobbies… even though I felt it was all happening too fast I kept saying – I must be the one with the problem because isn’t this what I’ve been praying for?
My sociopath has the same birthdate as me too!! Amazing coincidence!!! Lucky he lives on the other side of the world and I had a lucky escape! Continues to tell lies though
Can I ask, do they come across as like the most amazing people and you wonder how you could’ve ever thought something bad about them.. then when it comes to arguing they’re like totally different people and just say everything against the good stuff they have said about you, almost ripping you apart.. then going back to loving you again and it’s like a whirl wind of confusion? Or is that normal
We had the same birthday too!!! My God…I am so lucky that I live in the other side of the world!! Though I was ready to sell up and move to be with this ‘perfect man’
Mines Birthday was 10 days away from mine, the night we met we were together ever since that day through our whole relationship. He barley owned any clothes and wore my clothes, shoes, cologne, hats and whatever I bought him during the 2 years we were together. I’m stunned reading through this blog and having every single thing describe him to a T…
Hi Brandon, you raise something that I have not written about previously. You see because they are mirroring ‘you’ it is common for them to wear clothes that either you purchased, or in same sex relationships to wear the partners clothes. It is like a skin that they wear, to mirror whoever they are with. Once gone, they shed the mirroring skin and put on a new one. Like a chameleon. However, normally they would ‘want something’ from you. What was it that he was getting from you? Did you meet anyone from his background? Family, friends etc? How much did you really know about him? That was verified? Or was it all based on what he told you was the truth?
There is always ‘loss’ when involved with a sociopath (apart from usual heartache) as they come with an agenda, and leave with one too.
My SA was dealing with court things when we first met and throughout our whole relationship thefts of different kinds and other things as well such as going to drug court classes and drug test twice a week etc. when we met I was taking care of him and paying for everything like rent, food, gas, clothes, his drug tests and fines etc. I was his first boyfriend that he was dating publicly. He actually came out (told everyone he was gay) to his family and friends. He wanted to (in his words) show his boyfriend off and let everyone see how amazing and attractive I am and to show his family the person who is making their kid happy and who will be raising their grandchildren. I did confirm a lot of things as I did meet all 3 of his brothers and his 2 aunts as well as some other family members but I also have found out a lot of things that were lies as well… as far as loss I had lost everything at the end of our relationship, my house, car, job and was about $20,000 more in debt from when I had first met him. It’s been about 3 months since I have talked to him as I have completely cut ties and have blocked everything I possibly can.
Wow Brandon! I guess you felt that you could ‘trust’ him as he was doing something that he would never have done before (tell everyone he was gay) therefore your money was safe?
Sociopaths like to put down an ‘investment’ this can be anything really, whatever they can come up with. Sometimes it is a small amount of money (they pay for you, so then you feel obliged to pay for them) they swear they will pay you back, and perhaps the fist time they do… then they stall, and stall and stall. Which wastes your time, life, and keeps you focused/fixated on them.
I am so sorry that you have faced so many losses. It can be a kick in the teeth when it ends and you see the reality. Truth is, you have no clue that it will end, as they make all the moves to make you believe that this is long term….
Brandon I’m so sorry I know exactly how you feel. Sending you love – you aren’t alone!
How do you get through this pain, it hurts so bad and I feel lost.
Hi Frances. I am sorry you are hurting so bad.
It takes one day at a time. You were abused and your trust abused. One day at a time. You were broken down. Bit by bit. One day at a time.
– you need to be no contact. No contact at all. To even start the healing process
– if you had old friends, interests, hobbies in the past, reach out to them
– if you can afford it. See a professional therapist. This can help.
– be expressive. Write, art, listen to music. Anything that occupies your mind.
– focus on gratitude. No matter what your losses are, be grateful for what you have left. The more you focus on this. The more they shrink in control of your mind.
Be good to yourself. Treat yourself as your own best friend. Eat well. Try to sleep properly do activity every day.
It won’t be like this forever. I am sorry you are hurting. But you really can do this.
Did anyone elses SP wear their clothing or purfume early on?
Always dresses nice and lots of cologne when meeting a potential target.
omg yes mine did … right throughout our relationship he would even go out in public in my clothes and perfume… at the time i thought it was “cute” and now i realise with so much pain confusion and heartbreak he was just trying to be me!
Mine wore my clothes or what I had bought him out whole relationship…. Our birthdays were also 10 days apart…. unbelievable.
This is exactly what happened to me and I married him and he left me pregnant and blamed me. He was from the start perfect… I help raise my nieces and had dated quite a bit, but no one really understood that I needed someone who accepted them. He was great with them…sooo great! I bought a house, he wanted to take the next step and move in with his 2 kids….he offers red me 300 the first month and I told him I needed half of all bills…800. This was still far less than he was paying so he hesitated but agreed. I paid for almost everything. He bought food for his kids but everything else was on me. He would say” we need….” And I would get it. I told myself it was the child support and he really was on a tight budget. Plus he told me he had waited his whole life for me, I was beautiful….loved my family, would go to church with me….made his kids go also….everything I loved. I thought too, God is sending me my match…so did my family. Friends . He had no friends,no family. And did not drink. I discovered later he had been in rehab in his 20’s ( he is 45 ) we got engaged and 3 weeks before I found out he lied about the divorce. He had said he was divorced in 2006…he even showed me a fake decree…actually he was divorced in 2012 when we were living together. He swore he was sorry he lied…he just loved me sooo much..,blah blah blah…..I married him and more lies unfolded, he took out loans with his ex wife who was still his wife at the time, he had me get him an iPhone, but kept his old phone at work in secret. When I discover and confronted, he packed everything up and left….everything. I have not seen my step children since. And now he is saying I physically abused him when in fact I ripped up a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and thru it at him because he wouldno speak to me for days. It was all so shocking to me. I just married this man…85 days. I paid for the wedding,the honeymoon, and my parents too us all on a fully paid vacation to Disney. is this why he married me? so his kids could go on a vacation?Sick, I begged him to come home, go to counseling. I had to be written out of work. I could not function…all I did was cry, I felt physically ill. I lost the baby. He does not seem to care at all. He signed a lease and moved 45 min away. I filed for divorce because I know he won’t…I will be in limbo for months, years if I don’t. He has an agenda for sure, I just don’t know what it is. I am certain he has a new source. Or has gone back to his ex…. She has been an ongoing source for him $$$ and he won’t cut the ties ( I think because her family is wealthy)
He doesn’t call, check in, nothing. It is as if I never existed.
If I call or emai…he turns it on me saying his feeling for me changed that day we had the arguement…he doesn’t feel the same about me anymore. It is sooo hurtful! Luckily my friends and family are supportive and my therapist thinks he is a sociopath. After reading much on this site, I am seeing things clearer. I am getting stronger, and know that this is not my fault!
@Liz
Signs seem to point to him being sociopathic. I think, when you asserted yourself, he realized he couldn’t take everything you have from you for himself and his agenda. For certain, you and your own would’ve suffered with this person.
I think they are constantly looking for the next supply source, even when they can manipulate money from the previous, because once they are found out, it is more of a trade or exchange than they want to do. What they really want is something for nothing, which means you have to compromise yourself fully, and view them as more important than your own needs.
Your needs aren’t just secondary to this type person, they are invisible, non-existent. Think I’m wrong? Let him do something for you to “prove” his love. After he “has” you (as you’ve already experienced), “we” are done with “your” needs. “We” becomes “him/his”.
Why do they do this? This is something we all spend a lot of thought on. Books say they are evil, they have brain mapping that basically isn’t “wired” right, that they can feel but experience shallow emotions that allow them to behave in this manner.
I think they do it because the aforementioned handicaps them, in a sense, and makes them odd/unusual and discoverable. It may make some times and odds may fall in their favor enough for them to play games for awhile, but eventually, they are discovered. This limits their options. In a sense, this means they can’t make it alone and need you to do it for them. You, however, do not need them. You may want them (or, more accurately, want their lies to be the truth), but in reality, you don’t need him.
He doesn’t call or check in because he knows the schmuck he is. For you to welcome him or want to hear from him would mean you are manipulatable and desire him at a very high cost to you and yours. This, to a parasite, is the ideal prey. But that is really what he’s looking for. He hopes he will find some great combination of beauty, kindness, morality, love, selflessless, naivete, short memory, and an endless supply of money or a willingness to serve him and his, so he doesn’t even have to make effort.
Wow. Exactly!!
omg…….i have spent weeks trying to figure out something that mine did for me in 3 years……nil.I on the other hand totally renorvated her house did all her gardens ,cleaned her car every week looked after her kids…shoot me now
Jusagurl, everything you said is pure truth.
Wow! Jusagurl…you hit the nail on the head! I’ve never seen my own situation stated so clearly. Thank you.
Can’t quite believe that someone i knew for 15 years before we became a couple could in fact turn out too be a no one, or invisible man if you like, I have noticed he is a different person too every single so called significant in his life, and I am also aware that none of these representations are even close too being real. This sight has helped me so much because it has given definition too things I have seen, but been unable to understand or navigate. He has had a control on me since we began dating two years ago, and he has done it all, mirroring, seduction, weakness exploiting, violence and lying, the lying! I am lucky, I have a strong support network, my sisters and best friend have staunchly refused too leave me alone in the sense he would find most beneficial too him. I am only just at the stage, this week, of establishing no contact, but i feel i have tools now, an strength, just from this sight and the comments, surely the SP only real weakness is exposure, once they are exposed to one person this can only have a domino effect as others may begin to question the SP behaviour, I already know this would be too much like hard work for him, he is a parasite, but he knows it, i know he does and it effects him not at all. Thank you for this sight, it has been the first time in a long time I can really say this isn’t my fault, and my weaknesses are not weakness at all, he is. The power of empathy, one love, whatever you want too call it, its a tangible part of my belief system and you guys have reconfirmed it for me 🙂
Good luck to you Nicky….please be strong and keep up the no contact. It is not worth going back. Hugs (()) xx
Oh wow Nicky, I fell in love with someone 35 years ago, charming, smart, sexy, incredibly good looking. Dated for a while, went our separate ways. Long story short, I have kept in touch with him and reconnected several years ago. Thought something was strange when he got upset I was friends with some of his friends. So I started trying to find out what I what I could. This infuriated him. Fast forward – am now divorced and started communication with my “friend” from the past. Wow, he moved quickly. I thought he must be interested since now I was single. We went away together for a few days, his suggestion. Was a really nice time but weird too. No physical contact (his statement), just wanted to start as friends. The last night there he brought up the fact that he knew I was friends with his sister-in-law and that I had asked one of his man friends about him. He said he did not like it, that he was a private person. He shared a lot about himself so I thought things were going nicely. Well, back to the real world, he has pulled the ignoring act again. I FINALLY put two and two together to what I have suspected all along that he is a sociopath. He is a charmer with no regards to anyone’s feelings as he has none and doesn’t know how to have genuine feelings for anyone. Guess that answers my question as to why he is still single at 64. I am devastated but am so glad I know now what I know. I only hope he finds help and peace.
I’m having a crappy day today …I’m not thinking of going back with him or anything like that, it’s just the amount of lieing and cheating he has actually done the 8 months we were going out has actually hit home today. I hate him. I despise the man. I have never been lied to like this before, it hurts to think someone I cared about could do this to me, especially thinking back to the beginning when it was all full of fun and laughs. 3 months no contact (god is that all) and still going strong tho I get hassled by him every few days or so. Good luck everyone … I just can’t believe there are people out there like that let alone them being so similar!!! Love this site, its helping me understand and come to terms with this horrible mess xxx
Wondering if mirroring can also be life events, whatever I’ve shared, is always present in his life, sharing either that day or the next day. My son went to the ER at college, of course I went there, he went on a drinking bender and went to the ER the following evening (within 24 hours). Is this a sociopath or just coincidence?
Hi Barb, yes absolutely mirroring can be mirroring ‘life events’ in terms of lying about experiencing similar life events to the victim. This creates a feeling of trust, and a false bond, so that the victim will open up and disclose more. (thinking that the sociopath has also opened up). This trusted information, is later used against the victim.
🙂 my boyfriend told me that he had mental illness (psychotic) but he kept saying it s different from others psychotic…one day he told me that based on his psychiatrist, he is psychopath..i didnt believe. i just keep going until now. and then i try to googling about dating a psycho after we had fighting and i dont know what to do, this blog appeared…. i read 2 articles..and…guess what? these all same with our relationship…all of this things 😦 now i believe that he is a sociopath 😦 😦 😦 why me…
I am sorry Barbie, it is horrible when you love someone and this is who they are. The truth is that they will not change. They cannot change.
After 7 years with my SP, I am 4 days in to being discarded, yet again, by him. To be honest, I’m too exhausted to be emotional at the moment, I just feel tired and numb. I’ve also got to deal with the possibility of being thrown off my MA course. I feel so stupid that I’ve put my future in jeopardy for someone who doesn’t genuinely care about me.
What comforts me at the moment, today, is that by reading about ‘mirroring’ is that it’s finally dawned on me that I don’t miss him, but only really miss the reflection of myself. If, as I actually do believe, he’s a blank slate, and merely mirrored my inner self, then the person I really love is me. The person I think I’m missing dreadfully is still here, me!
That thought fills me with such hope for the future 🙂 I’ve just realised that I’m quite a lovely, funny, caring and intelligent person, who I’d want to be with for a very long time. If I can finally see it, so will someone who is genuine and worthy of my love in the future 😀
I’ve just been discarded by my sociopathic bf and had the SAME REALIZATION about having fallen in love with MYSELF! I also feel a million times better and am so happy to have found this information on mirroring after I had already come to the same conclusion! So if there is anything that sociopaths can actually HELP us with (if they haven’t been able to do TOO much damage, that is) it’s in helping us to actually realize that they were reflecting our good qualities back at us so that we were in love with ourselves and…we’re pretty darned lovable!!!!
Very true db 🙂
Dear Mooching Minnie,
What a wonderful insight. Your message rang so true to my situation. I was discarded after 23 years (20 living together as domestic partners) The surprising thing, is that our relationship was very much still in tact, when he left me — we never fought, we made love up to the end, and after one month of mysterious absences (he was always glued to my side when we weren’t working). I realize now that I was in love with the illusion of love. During the past holidays, out of the clear blue, he announces he met someone. Now imagine how I felt when he tells me on a Sat am, and then for the next two weeks leaves to go live with her Thurs-Sun and then back to me. He would come home and I would be beside myself, emotional and very hurt, and he would casually ask me if I wanted to go grab a bite to eat (as if nothing was wrong with what he was doing!!) I literally had a nervous breakdown, and while I was in the hospital and he was on a business trip, my daughter moved all my stuff out of the house into storage. I was discharged from the hospital and went to live with a friend who is an empty nester whom I have known for many years. My brother said he has been around my ex for over 20 years and he doesn’t know anything about him. My ex never shared his feelings and he has no friendships from his past. He had a couple of guys, but the were very strange themselves.
My ex had no friendships from the past either. They don’t emotionally connect to people the same way we do. People are interchangeable, and can easily be replaced.
Your response and insight as to what you are really missing is awesome. Very insightful and true. He is nothing — and you are still you. Remember, everything they say is lies, just designed to trap you and make you dependent. Be free.
Great comments & inspiring. I have just dumped the man I was seeing for 2 years. Its true your gut does tell you & part of me knew his behaviour wasn’t right but he would rationalise everything away. My final straw with him was yet again driving to his & he is on the phone slagging off his ex to a friend or family member when his ex acted rationally to me & seemed perfectly ok.
I was confused as he texted me at least twice a day & often wanted to chat to me in the evening on the phone but when I was free at weekends he would be fishing (hobby) & had forgotten ect. & why didn’t I say enough in advance.
Anyway cut long story short…he gas lighted me again by reminding me of second anniversary of our meeting so I got a funny card for occasion he didn’t get me anything so why had he been on & on about it.I have finally learned to trust my gut instinct & he was totally shocked when I said its over & want him to leave me alone. He miss calculated me & is definitely a sociopath, i.e. double standards, blaming others, very selfish.
My self esteem was low when I met him but now I feel strong & thankfully have got in contact with old buddies who had wondered where I had been. So rebuilding myself & enjoying being me. He has written a letter which I didn’t read & tore up, emailed & text with the start of it saying “I miss you but……” I did not read. Yes you guessed it he hates not having the last say & being in some kind of control.
After many years of having mentally abusive men who I unwittingly let into my life I suddenly see the light & feel happy as a single mum with 2 adult children & thirteen year old at home I love every minute of it.
I got a new job to day & building my own hobby in music that friends are encouraging me to further develop & my son has paid for us to visit him in Venice for a week while he studies history there ( so thankful for a loving Son & his partner).
Now for the first time I trust myself & know that being kind, caring & a happy soul will always be me but my logical & gut instinct is not open for any manipulation……just not happening. I draw good people into my life & although I will never be unkind to those who manipulate & play on others good hearts (& I am sure there will be times I come across them) the fact is I protect myself & those I love.
Take care everyone you are not alone i.e 17 years marriage to sociopath & a millionaire narcis who affected my nervous system for awhile afterwards…should have known better…& now after all these years I do & I am free!
Love love your writing have shared your post on the facebook page and will reblog when i get to my computer!
Uh. All this makes for fascinating and disturbing reading! Is it possible to have traits of sociopathy? After reading this site for several hours I believe my father was a (depressive, adulterous) sociopath and now I feel I might have some elements passed down to me. I’m 41 and have always felt a little ‘different’, maybe detached from emotions at times. I maybe feel a bit…autistic? Lots of acquaintances but avoid having close friends, though I am quite ‘warm’ and popular at work. I feel ‘good’ but often feel a blank inside. I procrastinate chronically and seem to veer towards self-sabotage. I am not bipolar but have strong ups and downs of mood. I go through periods of dysthymic depression and disinterest/anhedonia. I feel love and guilt and shame but these feelings often feel too intense and make me often wanna hide. So I can not feel.
I’ve been seeing a woman for six months and we’re in love. I miss her when she’s not there, long for her but do sometimes feel emotionally needy and jealous when there is no need to be. And I KNOW she loves me, almost to the point she loves me too much. And I like this. But I’d never hurt her or cheat on her and the thought of that makes me hurt inside. The love feels HUGE and we are both addicted. I show her affection nonstop and it’s beautiful between us. She says I am ‘perfect’ (I tell her I’m really not) and that we are ‘soulmates’…and I have read those words on here many times!!!
I told her my flaws from the start, that I felt ‘different’, was a bit of a procrastinating loser, found life hard to fathom. I would just hate for me to be that sociopath who wrecks her life because what we have feels so good and she is such a lovely person. I genuinely love her but I am always analysing the situation in my mind and can barely switch off. Though I feel flawed, I want to live up to her desires and improve myself as much as I can. She is really wonderful yet I always feel like I’m gonna mess things up somehow.
Do I sound like a sociopath? Or is possible to have traits but not be entirely an SP?? I feel really confused right now.
Hello Ozzo:
You wrote this almost 6 months ago, so this is a very late response. I am posting it as a postulate, a little mini-theory I have, after having been involved with a man very much like yourself.
I am not a psychologist, but I am a Ph.D. This does not always mean I express the best judgement. Having vulnerable patterns of behavior formed in childhood rises and sinks to its own standard. This has nothing to do with education. It is all playing out on a much deeper unseen level. It you could see it in your mind’s eye, you could overcome its influence. But few of us seek or are offered the psychological help it would take to uncover the hidden self. This goes for BOTH parties in a relationship, whether one is sociopathic, or not. I would add that this is true in many relationships, in general, that have nothing to do with romance.
When I was working on my doctoral dissertation, I was examining children who had learning disabilities (diagnosed) vs. students in a low-functioning class that were not officially labeled learning disabled. I was a junior high teacher at the time, so I knew this group of students who were not officially diagnosed like they were my babies because I was their very devoted teacher. Let me also say that because of this, I loved them, and would never, ever have given up on any of them. They were all between 11-16 years old. I spent an enormous amount of time thinking and investigating why they were the way they were, though each was a little or a lot different from one another, and each had been “dumped” in my class due to this. I was working in an inner-city ghetto at this time.
For some, their behaviors were organic. They were low IQ and had no one at home to give them the extra time, love and attention that would have helped them to perform at a higher level. Some of these were foster children. Some were the children of addicts or alcoholics. Some were abused. Others had had their schooling interrupted repeatedly due to unstable family circumstances– an emotionally troubled parent, or guardian. Some had been moved over and over and interrupted schooling had left them perennially behind and confused. The list goes on.
Here is where my mini-theory starts. These children, even the ones who were “dead” inside, were often indistinguishable from those who had an official diagnoses and were therefore receiving school services. One set of conditions can easily mimic another. The events of my kids’ lives, either in-vitro, or as children, had shaped a particular destiny for them that mimicked students who had medically verifiable brain damage or were, say, dyslexic or had nonspecific learning disability. Some of mine may have also had these issues as organic functions, but a parent had refused services, not wanting anyone to know their secret– that they drank during pregnancy, that they neglected their children, that being in their homeland three or four months a year was more important than their child remaining in school. Each of my children had a secret. It took me most of the year to figure out what the secrets were.
Please go back and read my second paragraph. The parents could not see how damaged they themselves were, or how damaging they were, in turn, to their children. Those that had an inkling universally wanted to hide their secret. All that is to “read” then, for me, was the child himself, and the empirically visible evidence of who they were at that time and place. And that evidence read: DYSFUCTIONAL and broken child. I did not give up hope on any of them, worked with each according to need, and loved them with all my heart and skills of teaching. Almost all made good progress during the year.
Fast forward many years. I have been involved with a man. In many ways, like you describe yourself. There is no point in describing his personal history, but it was awful. And he had learning disabilities. And substance abuse issues. But he clearly loved me though he f*ed this up time and again. His social cue read was often very poor and he compensated by tangling with me for control. I was certain he was a sociopath. Textbook case.
But not all parts of the picture gelled. He told me that he had never felt like other people, and he was glad. He felt it gave him a certain resilience not to feel things deeply, empathetically, hurtingly the way people like me did. Shortly after, I was talking with his daughter and she revealed his mother and father were both heavy alcoholics. I went and looked up the symptoms of the spectrum on fetal alcohol disorder. To my surprise, almost all of it fit for him being mild fetal alcohol syndrome. This man is a college graduate. Yet the alcohol damage apparently displayed itself in other-than-IQ ways.
There may be another answer to your behavior. Go look, investigate and do not close your eyes to where the truth my lead you. Either environmental or organic. I am not implying you are fetal alcohol. Only that many other things besides sociopathy mimick sociopathic behavior, or could even lie at its root. And sometimes sociopathy mimicks itself, but there is still hope, if you are willing to make hard choices on modulating your behavior and be brave in facing the obstacles you encounter.
I have been threatened, degraded in social media and stolen from for the last 4 months after we got married. He was extremely mean after the wedding and then we found out our paperwork did not go in. He was sweet and even kind of docile until then. He also relapsed on IV meth in March. He has moved all the way across country and blocked me from everything because according to him I’m a “stalker” i so confused and my kids are upset and his daughter is missed by us. I guess we were family for the last 5 years
This, is, bullshit. I’m what you’re calling a sociopaths and I’m actually quite shocked by the way sociopaths are described here. Sociopaths are like Men, most of them are assholes but some of them are nice. It’s not because we lack emotions that everyone of us will ruin the life of people he encounters. I do lack feelings, but like a big part of us, I have a moral code. This moral code includes cheating on my wife, hurting in any way women, and stealing. These are things I’d never do. I also do manipulate people, but not to ruin them, I’ve helped tons of people from depression and heartbreaks. Sometimes being empty of emotions can help other people to feel better. In other words, Sociopaths can be good people. Only stupid sociopaths that find it easy to be a bad person without feeling anything does it. My goal in life is to be a good husband, to make my wife have a happy life. So, no, not all of us are bad. A lot of us have a moral code that sometimes is even stricter than those of a normal person. Logic and Honor are the golden rules, and if you’re with a sociopath that follow these rules i can guarantee you a happy life. But, do not mess with a sociopath. Cheating is for me worst than murder. So know the limits of the sociopath you’re dating. Have a good day Ladies and Gentlemen.
Kyle – You do not understand what a Sociopath is then, You are not a sociopath.
My first serious girlfriend was an extreme Narco-Sociopath, even at very beginnings of adulthood. From a criminal and dysfunctional family. I never understood any of her confusing and dispiriting behavior, and it was pre -internet, so there was no way to simply type in a description of the behavior – no guilt or remorse/ vicious verbal abuse/ attempts to isolate me from friends etc – and get some hint or answer about it all. It was bewildering and left me very confused, if somewhat relieved, when it all just ended, without any conversation or closure. Then one day years later she came back all smiles with claims of our bond and closeness. It was then I fully grasped that this was a complete facade persona – she had previously let me fill in the blanks and round out the identity she wanted to create for me. She was very smooth, intuitive and subtle, and it had all previously worked on me. I had never known remotely who she really was, until finally joined up all the inconsistent and ‘wrong’ elements about her stories and dramatic claims – and finally recognized a very damaged and hollow individual, who had observed and targeted me from afar from the very outset – as vulnerable and of value to her.