I wouldn’t have thought that ‘words’ just ordinary, every day ‘words’ could create a psychological connection that would have a profound impact to the victim.
When I say ‘just words’ I mean regular words. Not ‘you are fat’ or ‘you are a useless man with a small penis’ or ‘you are ugly’. Of course those words are going to be hurtful, and will hurt you. Those words will stick in your psyche and damage your self esteem.
I am talking about regular words. Words that reflect your every day world.
- Names of your friends and family
- Places that you like to visit
- Places that you like to go
- Activities that you are passionate about
- Your children, your pets
Practically anything that you have an EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENT TO. Anything that you LOVE. Anything that means a lot to you. Anything that you have either a current attachment to, a history with, or are planning to build into your future.
Sit, pause, take that in. Every day words, that you have an emotional attachment to. At first the psycho will feign interest in those people, places, activities, etc and you cannot believe that you have met someone who cares so much about the things that you love and care about.
How lucky could you be?
This is all part of the grooming process and emotional abuse that will last for a long time after the psycho has left your life. YES – this is deliberate. They know exactly what they are doing!
How does this affect you?
Hearing words repeated over and over, by someone who is abusing you, creates an ‘attachment’ to what you are emotionally associated to.
Not only does it create an attachment, it also creates an additional association memory. If this is repeated over and over, the association memory can be stronger, than your emotional attachment. Or, your emotional attachment, can be
- Distorted
- Changed
- Altered
Possession and control of the memory bank is taken over by the psycho, and this creates a strong attachment and bond that you find difficult to understand.
Altering memory banks and constant thoughts of the socio/psychopath
You might go to a place you once loved, that perhaps you have a lot of previous memory of, yet feel a longing for your ex.
Hearing a word, might cause you a sense of anxiety.
You might avoid places/people and not feel comfortable in those surroundings anymore, but have no understanding why.
You could at the extreme end, experience panic attacks and completely avoid those people/places/experiences.
Result?
Isolation. Or constant thoughts of your ex.
This post is a follow on from yesterdays post, where we discussed why you felt the constant yearning for your ex. In earlier years, I wrote about addiction and addiction recovery, how this works within the brain. This post takes this further.
Example
I have recently moved home. Lots of people move home all of the time. I don’t however. I had lived in the same side of my city all of my life. I thought I would continue to do so forever. He left in early 2015. I stopped going to places I once went to. I stayed in my house, but even that had memories of him (this would be normal in a break up).
It wasn’t easy moving to a different side of the city. But I knew that I needed to move away. I spent a long time painting and decorating the new place prior to moving in. Over that time, I needed to return to my old place to pack. After moving, I sometimes I need to return there. When I do, I am surprised how I am bombarded with memories, thoughts, panic, anxiety. Places feel different, than they do in my memory when I am in my new home.
In my new home there is no memory at all. So much so, that I am often bored, and need to keep myself occupied (hence me writing on this site again). I didn’t quite realise how bad it was, until I moved away. You might think that this is simply PTSD. I understand PTSD, and think it is more than that. As much of the panic – is about regular things that were not traumatic.
It was deliberate, and intentional. To create an attachment to him, and to take over me, my thoughts, my attachments and my emotions.
Similarities with PTSD
The similarities are
- Startled response
- Panic
- Anxiety
- Needing to escape
- Feeling unsafe
- Questioning your thoughts
- Flashbacks
What isn’t similar with PTSD
PTSD is related to trauma. Yet, you experience traumatic related responses to ordinary events. So why is this? What is really happening?
The truth is that the sociopath keeps you in a constant state of trauma. Even if things are relatively calm, and good, you await what will happen next, and hope that things do not return to how they once were. You can never really let down your guard. Not once you know the truth. Or not once you have discovered there has been some element of betrayal. It is rare for a victim to leave immediately, as often they need to process what has happened, and it can be so unbelievable, that believing the lie, is easier than accepting the truth.
While you might experience PTSD related symptoms, it isn’t really the same as PTSD. This is what I would call faux PTSD, a deliberate ploy by the Sociopath to keep you attached to them. To keep you living constantly in fear, and anxiety, by playing on your own emotional attachments to what is important to you, in your life.
The result, is that you could find it difficult to return to functioning in your life, as you once did. Nothing feels the same. This is why many people will say, that ‘you will never be the same again’. I do not believe this to be true. You can, and you can heal and recover. You just have to understand how to undo the mind control and emotional abuse that was done to you.
What are your thoughts and experiences? Did you experience similar? Or are you unable to relate to this?
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Dating a Sociopath 
I am not sure if i can really relate to this. I do have PTSD from an assault and hostage situation with my ex- common-law husband in 2001-02. The main feature for me was that i had to keep telling the story of what happened to me. I did the same thing with this latest incident with the sociopath – I couldn’t stop talking about it for 2 months – and then i get triggered and start again. Nobody gets it and they just say – move on. In terms of words, he would trigger on certain words I said or related to something I did and use them against me as if they were facts. For example, the first time we met, i told him how my thyroid had gone low, and not knowing what it was, I thought – is it dementia? He later kept saying i have demential – even on-line to strangers. I got checked out – i don’t have dementia. The last time i saw him i was so hurt by his behaviour and betrayal I asked for permission to hit him. I tried – couldn’t really, but gave him a couple of love punches in the gut in bed, and then he hurt me again when he said i was violent. He also said i was manic because i laughed too much one time. He would use words against me that weren’t true in order to hurt me and justify him not wanting to be with me or love me. It still hurts. Normal people don’t act like this. Makes it really hard to let go and he uses this as a reason why we could only be friends – why would i want to be his friend. By the way, i am in my 60’s and have arthritis in my fingers. He is younger and rock-solid fit. I couldn’t hurt him if i tried.
Hi Mary, my heart goes out to you. You have been through so much. I also had severe ptsd when I met him, from events the year before meeting him. I am pleased you are not falling or it about being friends. You need time to heal and recover, and someone who is emotionally abusing you, is only going to damage you further psychologically. It sounds like he met you at a very vulnerable time in your life, when you were already traumatised. This can be typical. They like to target people who need help and support, and feign to offer this to you. Only really they will use this opportunity to take what they can and abuse you.
I like the part about LAUGHED TOO much Mary…I can really RELATE to that…I’ve had these c***ts put me down about that too…esp, in company of others & I’m educated. The COLD way it was said was SO cruel…to me, everyone was laughing in the conversation…& here MY partner, was acting so NASTY. At the time, I knew NOTHING of Narcs or Sociopaths…not realising, how any attention taken away from them, seems a threat…I know different NOW. So, I say LAUGH ur guts out, Mary…& if they don’t like it….F***K, them OFF..out of ur life. These MONSTERS can’t laugh…coz, they don’t feel…& they are damn JEALOUS if U can.
U will eventually notice, over time…any form of humour they offer, is just sarcasm.
Sooooooo true! He used to laugh about an inch from my face. All of his “humor” was sarcastic or laughing while he put down women. SICK!
yes god … exactly
This past Sunday was horrible for me. I was in a store and heard a song that we used to listen to on my record player. It never meant anything to him, but now that song haunts me. I isolate. Since we broke up I have lost friends. They didn’t believe me. He ruined my name. I work and come home. I go to therapy and try to take care of myself. I have zero desire after being alone since February to have another relationship. I am no longer attracted to men. When I have to be around a man, I have a tough time. I am ok with all of this. I feel safe being alone. Sometimes I just want someone to talk to and laugh with at night. I have a list of places I will not go. I drive longer routes to avoid memories. I have days when I wish he would show up. I don’t know why. He would belittle me and physically hurt me again. I was called fat everyday. Ive lost 30 pounds from believing him. I don’t eat and have trouble sleeping. How could I want to run into him?
I’ve made it 6 months! Thank you for this article.
LByourself I stayed single and was unable to be with another man for 2 years after we split. I would panic at the thought of it. How are things going for you with therapy?
Therapy is saving me. I found someone that knows a ton about this abuse. She is amazing. This site was the reason I found a therapist. I’ve read several books that have helped. I have learned to let the bad and depressing thoughts pass over me. I let myself cry and I get up and go do something. For some reason, I believe in myself. I’m so alone but I know good things are coming. I truly loved him. I would have done anything for him. It still hurts.
I am pleased you have found a good therapist who helps you and understands. What books did you find useful? I am thinking of putting a page up of recommended books.
Becoming the Narccisist’s Nightmare really helped me start to let go of my anger and move forward. I have started to accept that this was not a relationship and that he never loved me. If I could get relief with ptsd, I would feel better. It’s the worst part for me. The anxiety attacks really mess me up.
EMDR can be useful for PTSD. Also some people have found CBT to be useful for PTSD. Personally I have had to do a lot of my own work. A bit like occupational therapy that people do on the body after a car crash, but therapy for the mind. I could write a lot more on this topic, or run another blog alongside this one on this subject. I know that a lot of victims do have PTSD also.
OH yeah, I know that one…they STEAL ur music choices…ready for their next VICTIM…don’t take it to HT….shows they have NO life, or taste of their own…they’ll NEVER be able to play that music how U heard it…rest assured, u’r better than that. Flick them off…they’re imbiciles.
I’ll try to offer an explanation to your question at the end. From what I’ve read, it appears you think of him as an authority for validation. Let me explain. He is the one that tore you down. All the changes you made, was because you seeked his approval. Perhaps you thought if you did this or that, the insults and personal attacks might ease up or stop. But If you look back you can probably see, there was always something new. *He can’t have you confident and secure* You might not *need* him anymore. (This is what was really going on inside his head) Now that you’ve separated from him, and because he tore you down and causes you to be isolated. Even if you’re not aware of it, you could feel like some validation from him might solve some lingering issues. Also he is someone you’re familiar with, which you don’t have to *get to know* which in your case is a stressful thing now. All of this plays a part. My suggestion. Stay away no matter what. Any *validation* you might get from him will come at a price. It will not be sincere. It will most likely just be a means to try to *get back in* and gain back more control.
Sign-A Sociopath for good.
This is excellent advice. Thank you John.
Yeah John Doe…but this ain’t showing masculinity (The only English opposite WORD to feminism wh is made to make out that women HATE men…wh means men supporting masculinity must HATE women on the same logic – NOT buying it, either way). Seeked HIS approval? What’s going on there…isn’t it a 2 way street?
*He can’t have you confident and secure* You might not *need* him anymore….FFS…talk about INSECURE …this guy has a HUGE problem after all the “secure & pretend” antics…NOT buying it Mr Doe.
“*Even if you’re not aware of it, you could feel like some validation from him might solve some lingering issues*.”…YEP…absolutely understand that one…but there’s NO understanding with a self-absorbed sociopath….it’s a CRUEL waste of ur TIME. SO, SAD as it maybe, ladies…U THOUGHT U made a connection…U NEVER did…U were just made an IDIOT to think he was anything of substance….walk away!!!! DON’T envy the next…they’ll get EXACTLY the same.
Hello, Sick of BS. I’m having trouble understanding some of your reply. The part about his *masculinity* confuses me. As well as the part about men who support must hate women too, while involving the Sociopath I was commenting on. I’m not sure how you gathered this from post, as it being in questioned or supported, or unsuppprted. I was merely trying to inform the person about what was possibly going through his head. I’m sure some of it won’t make sense to you, others, or even me at times. If all Sociopaths did things that *makes sense*, it’s unlikely such an in depth discussion like this would take place. What everyone can do is, study behavior patterns/human nature, psychology, and try to make some sense of it. There’s different *levels* of Sociopathy. Also as well as with empathic humans, there is also different levels of intelligence with Sociopaths. If you have any questions, I’ll do my best to answer them accordingly, as well as give some possible insight on things I have first hand knowledge of. And excuse my response time, I just now put my twitter *unchecked* notifications that I couldn’t figure out why they wouldn’t go away, to this article. I have my dense moments, Lol.
Sign-A Sociopath for good.
Although I know where you were going with this, the opening didn’t make complete sense to me.
They find your passions and emotional triggers because you trust and open up. At first you think it brings you closer later used to emotionally control you and you don’t know it’s happening. When you tell them how you feel or why you hurt they then have more emotional content to play with. If you are dealing with one best to stop showing or talking about your vulnerabilies.
While I understand what you are saying heartfelt. This is not about how they get the information, or why, it is the impact and why the person struggles to move forward. And why they can be isolated. I will read the post again, if the first part does not make sense. Thank you.
She’s right…the start of ur post was confusing….when I made a copy…I had to add words for myself to explain it…as I know what U were trying to say. It’s NOT words that trigger U off….it IS PLACES & names of things…even MUSIC we played in their company, they never heard before…then, they just DUMP U & took it for their own. Basically, they hijacked ur life…then told U, U were SHIT.
U stand bewildered & confused…until U work out they were NEVER seeking a relationship…they were just playing u. They CAN’T have a relationship…coz, they DON’T CARE at the core of their soul….& NEVER will. They just play…like juveniles as they’ve always have been, since school. And their ‘ so-called’ honesty about wanting a relationship is also just juvenile GAMES.
So, if an older LONELY-looking NICE man is still sgl. for yrs…..yet seeming very keen to chase women…I think U need to think HARD why that is.
Why are you making copies of my work?
No. It is what i wrote. WORDS. Words that are deliberately repeated.
I’ve only made copies of ur words positivagirl for my DIARY…to remind me…I’m NOT alone in my hurt thru deception & jokery – I experienced. And the more words I can gather to make sense of EVIL uncaring minds…makes me stronger & back at PEACE with myself…so
I can get back to hopefully trust the right ppl, as I use to.
I’ve only made copies of ur work positvagirl…to remind me…I’m NOT alone & that my mind of confusion by some crazy ppl’s behaviour CAN make sense…if U just KNEW what U were dealing with. I knew MYSELF, I knew my HEART…so, I couldn’t u/stand things.
Sociopathy Awareness only came to me at start of 2015…& amazingly…it ALL fell into place with certain difficult ppl…& I mean EVERYTHING! Ppl can experience ENVY (for the silliest things) where it can chew at the core of their soul. Where I thought ppl had to have grown up (like me)….only to finally realise…they NEVER did…& so…it ALL made sense.
It’s had me realise TRUST my gut when I sense things are NOT right here…STOP the benefits of doubt, or possible excuses…when I KNOW I wouldn’t do the same myself. Keep asking urself: Is this person BEHAVING like they are really into me, despite what they say? And the answer was simple: NO!!!!!!
Not the answer I wanted to hear – esp when I was SO nice…but still, the answer that came.
I feel as if he has tainted everything in my life. I shared my home with my X-husband for 11 years and I rarely think of him. But, the MONSTER, did not even live with me during our 3 on-and-off years together, and yet every room, every piece of furniture, every article of clothing, books on shelves, DVD’s, songs, everything in my house (including the hot tub where he brought a hooker and performed for my surveillance cameras just to hurt me while I was out of town) – reminds me of him. When I broke up with him the first time, he took various hookers to my favorite local hotels, favorite restaurants, favorite casino resorts, and even Maui, where I had gone on my honeymoon with my X-husband and checked in with them on Facebook just to torment me. My friends don’t understand why everything is a trigger and say things like, “You say that about EVERYTHING. Everything reminds you of him. You’re just being ridiculous.” I have destroyed and discarded so many things that were once sentimental to me, because they became such a torment, once I had been “discarded”. Every time I broke up, he BEGGED me to forgive him and take him back and promised NEVER again. This time, he didn’t come back and I feel as if I have slipped off the edge of a black, bottomless cavern, into an eternal free fall, aching to finally reach the bottom and shatter into a million pieces, so that I (and the pain), will cease to exist.
I am so sorry you are hurting so badly devoid. I guess the split with the husband of 11 years was normal, and the relationship non abusive? How long ago did you split with the monster?
3 months ago. I still cry every day.
It is still very raw and very early days devoid. While there is silence and peace, you are healing. Can you try to do one thing, every single day that makes you smile?
THEN don’t fall off the edge…if U KNOW U were kind…these MONSTERS HATE kindness…they are COLD, CALCULATED & EVIL…so RUN! Even where they could have benefited….they’re NUTS. Like me, U possibly couldn’t imagine a grown adult could ACT in such a way…well, U know different now. The bully in the schoolyard….grew up to be a BULLY ALL his life….even, if educated…& I can tell U…not all educated ppl think like this NUT JOB. Take care…U are NOT imagining it…it’s REAL…we ALL know what U had been thru….amazingly, the SAME.
Hello, devoid of Joy. Your names appears to ring true to what you’re going through. He indeed does sound like a Monster. A very disturbed Monster, a Monster to others Monsters even. But we’re not going to let this Monster win, deal? What you are experiencing is what HE WANTS you to experience. Let’s not give that subhuman POS a single thing that he wants. It’s time to live again, regain your control over your thoughts he took. This pain can and will end. This time when he didn’t come back, that’s the ONLY good thing you’re ever going to get from him. The first thing I need you know, this POS isn’t likely gone. But merely hiding his present in the shadows to appear completely gone. I assure you with all the access he’s had to you, and his need for control and to inflict pain, that he has all of your passwords to everything. And is keeping tabs, looking at your history, what you’ve searched for, EVERYTHING. So change them all, especially the your password to your Apple ID or for your droid if you use those smart phones. He could be seeing every iMessage you send picture you take, site you visit, all in real time as it happens. Also any computer you’ve had while with him needs to be throughly checked for *Key loggers* if you have any of them on your computer(s) he will just get your new password everytime you make one. He also likely knows the answers to all your secret questions for *forgotten passwords* situations. Change those as well. And don’t just simple change it to a different question with a answer he could know or figure out. I will give an example to help you be safe from his knowledgeable guesses. Example: Q: What is your mothers maiden name. A: (The name of your 1st best friend) or (Purple House) He’ll never guess something like *Purple House*. It has to be something that he can never guess, or even think to guess. I suggest you do all of this ASAP. Even before replying here. He will get joy from seeing things and reading what you say that lets him know, he still has control over your life from your current pain you’re going through. Don’t give him that, or anything. Now I need you be aware of something else, depending on his level of obsessions with you, keeping tabs on you, and wanting to know he still has you isolated and broken down from him. He may *Pop* back up to try and apologize and say things to get back in enough, just to snoop to try to eventually gain access to any of your devices to try to get your new passwords and log information. It’s important you don’t even give him a chance to even speak any words to you. Don’t underestimate him. He can seem sincere. He IS NOT. If you ignore his requests to *talk or explain* anything to you, if he tries to apologies. Depending on his level of obsession, like I mentioned earlier. He may try a different means. *Actions speaks louder than words* Manipulation tactic. Examples: Mow your yard without asking, wash your vehicle, repair something outside he thinks you might want fixed. All without asking. This is to get you thinking *maybe he has changed* *Maybe he realized he loved me or missed me during our time apart*. Since he’s doing all these things without asking and just doing them upon himself, right? It’s fake. Call the cops and have him arrested. He needs to see your serous about not wanting anything whatsoever from him. I see I’ve harped on that *first thing to do* part quite lengthy. I needed to cover all of that and explain, so you won’t be caught off guard, monitored, and tricked by him. I know right now it may seem there is no light at the end of the tunnel, or no end to pain. But there is, to both. And you can move on. And there is methods to minimizing the effects of things that constantly remind you of him. And I believe you can and will get there. Don’t give up, don’t give in, and don’t let him win.
Over all he appears like the *average* Sociopath. It’s clear why he brought hookers to your hot tub, favorite hotels, etcétera. Pain, a longer lasting pain from constant reminders. Instead of the done and over with type. The one that stands out to me is, the honeymoon part in Maui, I think you said, that you and your ex had. That is very odd to me. It is definitely a red flag to me. The extent he went through to do that, tells me it was personal to him for some reason. As a Sociopath, it raises a lot of questions to me. However, it exposes the lengths he will go through. So as I explained previously, compared to that, mowing your yard, repairing things outside, and different things to manipulate you, is very well within his amount of dedication.
Just know you are not alone in any of this. There is a community here that can relate and offer advice from their personal experiences with one. This is a winnable battle. If you have any questions, or just want to write to get stuff off your chest. I’m here to answer any the best that I can or to just listen.
Sign-A Sociopath for good.
I just discovered this site but I need your help. I’m not even sure you still come here. Of course I’m a victim of loving a sociopath. I’m not sure if he has discarded me or just torturing me with the silent treatment. I know I should stay away from him but it’s like I’m addicted to the pain. Also, I have borderline personality disorder so I feel fucked. I feel like he is going to make me hurt myself. Besides the abuse, he knows my flaws and weaknesses. But I’m afraid of him abandoning me. I need help/advice to leave…im pregnant as well. I don’t want him to know.
Hi, yes I still come here. Having bPD is going to make things tougher for you, as you know, as people with BPD struggle with loss usually due to abandonment often in childhood. However, there is a difference between holding onto what is good, and holding onto what is bad. Inside this man, does not contain anything of you.
This pain that you feel, let it go, ride with it. Let it go, know that if you let it go, you will be letting go of someone who is toxic to you. Do you have any support other than him? Nobody else can do this, except you.
You need to be in the ‘now’ and not fear what lies ahead. It is no use me telling you that he is bad for you. As you already know this. Trying to plan out the rest of your life, right now, is not realistic either. But you could make today, right now, good. Treat yourself well, and Iknow that for someone with BPD who is feeling like self harm this can be tough. Reach out to a professional. Speak to the right people who will not abuse you. Start to practice self care, and self love. What are your plans for today? Try to keep your mind focused. Do you do art? Start a wordpress blog, instead of reaching out to him, write and reach out to others. Go for a walk, Have a nice bath, make yourself look nice etc. Practice self care. If you reach suicidal thoughts reach out to a suicide hotline in your area. Try to keep away from who is abusing you, and what is toxic to you.
May be out in left field. My experience, 40 yrs, is to read these people and
whatever they say the reality is 180 degrees in the other direction. Kind of
like pulling up to a four way stop in your car. Your X is on your 3 o’clock and motions for you to go ahead and then when you go X whams you on the right side. And, they do it every time. Not normal. PTSD, you betcha. These people are death. Read these people for what they have done to you. “Warning! Danger!”
My X? Have no reason to know anything about her. What does filter back
are comments such as: ” manipulative bitch and we have to tiptoe around her.”
They get found out. It happens. Still, they stalk and await opportunity. It is
their, for the sake of a better word, hobby.
40 years….. you deserve a medal. Especially if you still managed to keep your mind.
Thanks for your feedback. It is so true. You are so right. It’s a day to day thing – i am up and down, but basicly really doing well on my own. Thanks so much for this site and all your feedback. It is so helpful!
You are welcome Mary 🙂 You will heal and recover, it just takes time.
It’s only two days that i discovered the ugly truth about my ex, from this site particularly. But i found it very hard to accept. i don’t know if it’s better not knowing at all and only have the illusion that was a bad relationship. It’s really difficult to deal with the realization that the person you are in love with DOESN’T EXIST at all. It was a fake personality built very carefully thanks to the information I PROVIDED to him. It’s impossible not to blame myself too. I could have seen the signs, there were many but unfortunately they are not the signs that you have learned in your life to see in dishonest people. They are different. The signs are confusing, contradictory. Because this people have NO PERSONALITY at all but they mimic attitudes based on the situation. Whatever they do has a final purpose. NOTHING IS JUST FOR YOU even if in the beginning may seem so. For me it was a totally new situation and i had never experienced before something like that. I feel that i built this relationship. What an ILLUSION! And I’ll explain why: I put a REALLY BIG EFFORT to make things work. And that’s only because he was really willing to change attitudes that i didn’t like on him. And after long conversations that we were continuously having (that used to exhaust me) he was -actually very quickly -changing. The day after. That was feeling odd but at the same time i couldn’t complain because now i had what i wanted ,we were fine……..until the next “conversation”. It was lunatic and really really exhausting. SO NOW I REALIZE with all this effort, with all this emotional and physical energy with all that willing i wasn’t building the relationship I WAS BUILDING HIM!!! And that i find the most difficult part of this story to let it go. I have been deceived? It doesn’t help to feel like that, it hurts even more.
Anna, this is HUGELY insightful. Where you say ‘I wasn’t building a relationship, I was building him’. Hang on to this thought, it will help you healing.
Yep, I couldn’t believe ppl could behave this way either…esp when u truly TRUSTED & gave ur HEART & soul…well, now U know different….BUT, on that…NOT everyone is like that….it IS a recognised PERSONALITY brain wired personality disorder (more common than U think)….& we were NEVER warned about it, esp if it was never in ur family & talked about.
My soc/ex did this to me in a slightly different way. I thought it was a ploy, and when i talked to Nikki, she explained it to me and it was like a light bulb went off in my head. They use word association to STAY IN YOUR HEAD. To KEEP THEM IN YOUR MIND.
I worked with mine. Long story short, it was one of the discards. He wasn’t speaking to me, but was talking to another woman we work with all the time to make me jealous. (Throw in some triangulation for good measure!)
Our office is very quiet and I was stunned in my tracks by some of the conversations he was having with her.
He and I talked about very specific things. We were both into a specific genre of film that not many people were into. (Nothing dirty) but one day (as he was giving me silent treatment) I heard him have a very pointed conversation with the other woman about a movie he had recently seen. She was not into the movie, or the conversation. But he kept talking AT her about this movie. It was a movie we had both been excited about when it was coming out.
I remembered thinking, that’s a conversation he WANTS to have with me. That’s OUR movie genre. I was hurt that he was having THAT conversation with her. She wasn’t even pretending to be polite. She kept telling him, “I really have no opinion about that. It’s never been my thing.”
Now I look back and see clearly: He didn’t WANT to have that conversation with me. If he wanted to, he would have. He had that conversation with her about something very specific to us so that I would hear it, be hurt by it, and he would stay in/on my mind. Just because he was giving me the silent treatment didn’t mean he wanted me to forget about him.
Another example? We were both into food and cooking. I had been excited about a specialty store that was opening in our area. Again, during the silent treatment, I must have heard him have 4 or 5 conversations with people about how he had gone to that store and was really excited about it.
These were people who didn’t cook and didn’t care about the specialty store opening. At the time? I thought, he’s DOING this on purpose. He HAS to be.
And he was…………
Yep, seems u’r starting to see the signs of juvenile delinquency thinking – & what I’ve noted – it comes across like a ‘sour grape’ attitude when U still don’t know where U stand with them, coz they won’t talk about it, yet try make it clear u’ve done something wrong by them…time to back away…U are not dealing with a healthy adult. In fact, despite appearances & adult sounding voices….u are NOT dealing with an adult, at all – u’r dealing with a juvenile JOKER. It’s why it’s called a personality DISORDER…perpetually stuck in the juvenile yrs – seeking to stir up ppl’s emotions & create unnecessary drama…so, they can get the attention they seek in their BORING lil lives – it’s all they know.
If it starts out fun & friendly, yet quickly becomes confusing & frustrating without making any progress…I can guarantee…U are dealing with one.
Just u/stand these crazy ppl (altho NOT insane) look at others as their PLAY toys…they’ll pick U up with enthusiasm & throw U away without care…it is NOT a relationship that needs to happen! Hold ur ground, don’t react, be polite & walk away…& tell urself…I just DODGED a bullet! GOOD on ME!!!!!
Take care…U are ALLOWED to be ur BEST protection! TRUST ur gut – U are ALLOWED to DO so & NOT let anyone try tell U otherwise!
MOST of all…I just want to assure ppl NOT to FEAR loneliness….but rather EMBRACE solitude & use the time to learn to LIKE urself again & what U like….as U did as a kid. Youth is short & life after is just as short…don’t waste it…esp on parasitic arseholes. There is NOTHING WORSE than be caught up with one of these self-serving arses….that have NO life except sucking it out of everyone else.
Those lightbulb moments are good. Each lightbulb moment, frees you, takes you back to the real you.
Your assessment appears on point. You put the pieces together well. Continue to share your knowledge of this to others. The *average* (Majority) of Sociopath is very easily beatable, with knowledge of his tactics and trickery. And needs to be bested and outwitted. Awesome Job!
Sign-A Sociopath for good.
I can very much relate to this after 2 years with a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Narcs can do this type of behaviour too Pascales. How are you doing today?
It’s been 7 months since I broke up with him and I am doing much better now. Being in a relationship with a narcissist was a terribly painful experience and I hope I will never make that mistake again..
If you do, you will recognise the red flags much earlier, and get out. This too… is a gift.
Am pleased that you are out, safe and starting to live a better life.
It is so true, positivagirl! Thank you for your deep analysis and for sharing this on the site. For a while I couldn’t understand why I can’t just leave, and not able to maintain nc. Your post helped me to get some understanding.
Yes, I am very much isolated, because I was so preaccupied and consumed by his lies, and “noise” in my head – that I didn’t have time for anything or anyone else. Plus, he managed to convince me how “evil” and negative everyone who surrounded me for years were. Plus, because he is a “religious ” man, my sp, no one is good enough to be around me.
I also tried nc for several times, but every time I give in. Does nc really work? And how long would it actually take for him to go away.
Because what happens, I stop communication, and he would call to the different numbers and places where he knows he could find me. He also tretens to do this and that to me and my family, etc. I can’t stand the site of him, and can’t tolerate his presence most of the time. It’s only the thought of those moments, or “how things once were” are playing a bad joke on my mind. I am still under his spell, and doesn’t seem to know how to shake it off. My situation is slightly complicated, because we had a child together. He was my partner during the whole process, however, the baby is not biologically his. He managed to convince that he is older, and have bad medical history and genes, so we went through a donor. Now how rediculous is that?! Also, he was married at that time, which is a whole different long story – he got married in the middle of our relationship, and when I found out, he came up with a story that he had to do it. That she was his business partner and she was threatening him with jail time. So he had to get married in order not to go to jail. Anyone who would hear this would probably think that I am just a weak, stupid looser, with no self esteem or brain in my head. And I would probably agree with them, except I have a highly payed job and position (which I don’t know how long I would be able to keep, I am so depressed and bombed by my current situation). I also have two degrees, and MBA.
My story is very long, because I allowed him to control me for 10 years. And every time when I felt strong enough to leave, he would find a way to lure me back in. And what’s interesting, he would actually stay, and even contribute financially. But once again, I am at the place of being discarded and betrayed in the worst possible moment ( not to mention when it happened when I was 9 months pregnant, or with newborn baby in my arms etc when it happened, I feel as I have no excuses, and so dumb! ). If you have any advise on how can I stay strong and keep nc, and actually if it is possible to get rid of him?
I can’t stand the site of him, I can’t tolerate his presence, but I can’t explain why I let him in every once in a while. I am in the situation where I am barely surviving emotionally, physically and financially only because I followed his advises and gother myself there (bought an expensive house at the time when he was present and promised to help, and demanded to fire a nanny, and place a child in a daycare – so I am completely screwed ) . I feel as if I continue this route I will be completely destroyed, but I have no ability or resources to stop or change my situation right now. He does pay for the daycare, but I feel as that is how he keeps me trapped in this situation….It can go on and on, sorry for the long post. Thank you for being there
U say not what country u are from, Tia…I assume UK…so please find help from govt groups that support abused women….esp now U have a child. No matter what STATUS U had in society…U will be surprised to find women from all of them. These monster men exist behind closed doors & the world is waking up to them….even tho alot of men in power, are also abusers.
A ‘religous’ man U say…well, if there is a GOD….religion was only MAN-invented for ONE reason (why do U think there are so many conflicting religions)…simply to hold ppl to some MORALS & stds in life…as the LAW often fails us here…where there is NO direct law to say we HAVE to BE moral & sociopaths know that…simply coz, claiming morals is hard to prove…& LAW can only deal with FACTS, altho preferring towards a moral side that shows care….yet, we ALL know as abused moral ppl…how that can be made a JOKE behind the scenes.
If U want some PEACE in ur life of personal existence (& U will die one day & the world will just move on) – YES…NO CONTACT…with an arse…is the ONLY way to go. STOP the excuses or you will always be a SLAVE to their sordid existence.
Take that child & LOVE it with everything U have & YES, it’s biologically NOT his. Most of all…TEACH that child as they face adulthood (claimed by LAW as 18yo – poss 16yo as far as sex- where ur parental rights can then ONLY be made advisory from there)…HOW to survive, appreciate life & respect others & themselves…against the sociopaths & narcissists which will turn up in their lives (as they had in yours)…& just HOPE they were not DNA made one too. A narcissist, I believe is made…a sociopath is BORN.
Good to read you are still in
the fight.
Your advice is right on.
I just discovered your site this weekend. I am just realizing that everything that I have been going through over the last 6 years is an actual thing – sociopathy. Like everyone else visiting here, I feel like I am going through the worst trauma of my life. I can’t breathe. Knowing that I put up with the most immense abuse, lies, betrayal, waste of my life for the good parts that now I know were never even true. Thank you for creating this. Am I able to relate to this? I am able to relate to every single letter in every single post on this site. All of it. It’s just uncanny.
Hi Kay. Thank you for your comment. Are you now out of the relationship and free?
Yes, thank you. It’s been three weeks. I finally had confirmed documentation in writing of his betrayal and cheating. I sent it to him, and his fear was real. I had the power to send this information to his family and friends and it would have destroyed this false narrative that he built about himself and exposed him for the intricate liar that he was. What did he do? Apologize? Feel guilty? No. He threatened me with a restraining order if I contacted anyone he knew. Exactly like what you said in another post. Six years of loving this person. I don’t imagine I will ever hear from him again, because there is no way he can possibly dispute what I have in writing. I feel like I am experiencing a death.
I was threatened with restraining orders over and over again. He never did anything. I basically let everyone know the truth. I had e mails threatening my life. Sent them to everyone. I never heard from him again. He ran and started seeing another victim. I’m so glad you are away!!!
Wow good for you. That takes incredible strength to do what you did. Basically you did similar to what I said in ‘how to get even with one’. By doing what he would do. He knew that you were not going to live in fear, or be threatened. It would have been easier to find someone else. Well done you!
I was really scared and it was awful. I can’t believe a year has passed since that happened. It really hurt and I still think about it everyday. When I read what others write my heart aches for them. It’s so hard to describe what that pain is like. Anyone that walks away from a sociopath is a very STRONG person. I never thought I would feel relief. I wish I could help everyone that goes through this. ❤️❤️
Yes. I understand what you are saying..
That is amazing that you did that! I wish I could do that. I want to, but at this point I feel it would just make me look insane and I would honestly be afraid of his retribution. I did send some to his sisters (with whom I was close) but told them not to tell him. I trust that they won’t. But now when he trashes me and makes up lies, at least they will know the truth. Frankly, I want nothing more than to get even. There is nothing left to save of this “relationship”. I still have amazing documentation of lies, so if he does not on a rampage I will not hold back and I will be as mean and ruthless as I feel like being. Lovebombyourself, I am so thankful that you feel relief now. I hope I can get here. What a wonderful person you are to come here a year later to continue to offer words of encouragement to us. Thank you for your kind words.
Last year I quit eating and lost my job because of him. It was horrific. I will always be around to listen to anyone that has been through this. People do not understand unless if they have been there. I lost many friends. I would do anything for anyone abused by these monsters.
I’m so sorry you had such a terrible time. Going to work is so draining, nearly impossible, I have had to leave a few times, but I am so lost and tired when I am at home, I can’t function there either. Its like you don’t know what to even do with yourself. I’m giving myself until the end of this week to drink a bottle of wine every night and cry and not exercise, and then I have to TRY to get myself into a healthier space. Hugs to you.
Hugs to you!!! Do what you need to do! It’s going to get better. It really is. I drank beer and ate chocolate. I’ve read some good books that have helped me. I downloaded Audible and listened to several books. We: A Manifesto for Women by Gillian Anderson really helped me. It’s positive. I found a therapist that specializes in this abuse. Love yourself!!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Love this comment. Positive advice. There are also some great apps that you can download onto your phone now as well. I hear that the app headspace is good although I haven’t tried it. Am all for treating yourself well like your own best friend.
Kay,
You are amazing. Don’t forget that! You got away and you can move forward and heal. You will feel peace. Take care of yourself! Do nice things for yourself.
I’m not yet convinced my x-wife is a sociopath but I do know that her 1st x husband is. One funny is that my x was his first wife and now she will be his 12th wife, go figger that!
It’s apparent to me now that the “Snake Charmer” (x’s nick name for him) started going after my wife via their mutual religion where he had an Epiphany and was reinstated as a “Melchizedek Priest”, good joke. It’s interesting to me because I’ve studied the Melchizedek Priesthood and have an interesting book on that, it’s a Biblical Priesthood and the highest priesthood mentioned in the Book.
Long story short, the guy convinced my wife of 22 years to simply go to her regular hair appointment and never come home. I know this was planned and assisted by her girlfriend and others, she also removed documents and such from our file.
Such a weird and low life thing to do to someone! I could accept it, maybe, if I’d been cruel, abusive or whatever to her but we always talked. It’s been 4 months now and not much easier. Very strange.
Wow. That is a strange one :-O